The Patty and Selma File
Originally by Dave Hall and Jordan Eisenberg
Maintained by Matt Conrad
Version 3.6
This list is updated through most of Season 16. The remainder of Season 16 and Season 17 will be added shortly. Please e-mail all omissions and errors to Matt Conrad.
Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like
to be ... you know ... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy
thrust upon her.
-- "Principal Charming (7F15)"
Patty's Characteristics
A sworn celibant, Patty's only relationship was a one-sided fling with Principal
Skinner. She is distinguished by her triangular earings, circular necklace beads
and pinkish dress.
Selma's Characteristics
Her full name is Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. Her closest companions
are her sister, Patty, and her pet iguana, Jub Jub. She lacks a sense of taste
and smell, and is distinguished by the part in her hair, her S-shaped earings,
oblong necklace beads and light-blue dress.
Episodes Based Around Patty and Selma
| 7F15 | Principal Charming |
| 8F20 | Black Widower |
| 9F11 | Selma's Choice |
| 2F14 | Homer vs. Patty & Selma |
| 3F15 | A Fish Called Selma |
| 5F02 | Easy Bake Coven |
| GABG04 | There's Something About Marrying |
| GABF06 | Goo Goo Gai Pan |
Likes
| 7F15 | Patty likes Cherry Cordials |
| 8F07 | "Mary Tyler Moore" hairdo; Modern Bride Magazine |
| 9F08 | Little Bart's "Spout Medley" |
| 1F05 | Brad Goodman's infomercials |
| 3F15 | Troy McClure; "Divorce Court" |
| 5F02 | Selma prefers Eye of Newt |
| DABF04 | "Nookie in New York" |
| FABF08 | Selma likes a man with a little mystery (i.e. keeps his socks on during sex) |
Patty and Selma vs. Homer
| 7G08 | They hint at Homer's cheating on Marge; badmouth him in front of Lisa |
| 7G11 | They present cynical opinions throughout Marge's birthday, and hope for Homer to choke on his food |
| 7G13 | He is caught on tape referring to them as the "gruesome twosome" |
| 7F02 | Patty refuses to think about Homer's "friskiness" |
| 7F05 | "Look, he can use a horn!"; they yell at him to shut up |
| 7F07 | They accuse Homer (rightly) of being insincere; compare him to a caveman |
| 7F12 | Their first glimpse of Homer in a flashback; they already hate him |
| 8F07 | They bet on weather or not Homer is wearing pants, mock his potential Fatherhood Quotient, and trick him into saying "I'm also fat"; Homer laughs at their new hairdos |
| 8F09 | Speculate that Homer bought some magic beans with his stock money; not surprised that Homer (supposedly) spent $5,200 on beer |
| 8F10 | Many rivalries as Homer lives with Marge in their house |
| 8F14 | Suggesting that Homer might trade his youngest daughter for beer and a nudie magazine; they greet him rather unpolitely at their apartment |
| 8F19 | Patty roots for Lurleen's success ... if it means getting rid of Homer |
| 8F20 | Homer's wedding gift to Selma is a video-casette; which he plans to tape over himself |
| 8F21 | "There goes Davey Crockett in his baldskin cap"; joke about Homer getting his nose caught in the toaster, and a chicken wing stuck to his face for 3 days |
| 9F04 | Homer befalls the last lingering thread of Patty's heterosexuality |
| 9F09 | The sisters seek out a replacement for Homer, even though he's alive |
| 9F11 | They're disgusted by Homer hugging them |
| 1F06 | Patty speculates that Homer (with Bart) is lost in the woods during cougar season |
| 1F07 | They show up in Homer's mental image of "unsexy thoughts" |
| 1F15 | Homer happily spots the two amidst a tornado's wrath |
| 1F21 | Patty greets the family: "Hello, everyone except Homer." |
| 2F01 | Homer approves of Sideshow Bob's Selma-killing policy |
| 2F03 | Homer is delighted to hear the news of his sisters-in-law's death |
| 2F10 | Patty and Selma leak the news of Marge's pregnancy, attempting to destroy Homer |
| 2F14 | Plot of the episode involves Patty and Selma blackmailing Homer |
| 3F04 | Homer (and the kids) scramble to hide from the sisters; they joke about Homer's showering habits, and him disappearing into "fat air" |
| 3F06 | They purchase Homer's tombstone, in hopes of his death rumors being true |
| 3F10 | They bowl for a competing team: the DMV Regulation Kings |
| 3F15 | Selma says Homer "would have to bathe to be a pig" |
| 3G02 | Homer fantasizes about them melting in blazing heat |
| 5F01 | Homer is tempted to shoot them as they ride past on a bicycle; Selma is relieved that Marge leaves Homer |
| 5F02 | Selma forgets Homer's name, calling him Durwood (a reference to "Bewitched") |
| AABF21 | Homer thinks a view of their rear ends is "nauseating," and faints |
| BABF18 | Patty says seducing Homer would be "act act of violence; not love" |
| BABF22 | Patty scandalizes Homer for not laughing during "Love is Nice" |
| DABF04 | The sisters revel in Marge leaving Homer |
| EABF01 | The sisters throw a cinderblock at a Homer dummy during Sideshow Bob's stakeout |
| EABF12 | They sponsor Prop. 104 to get Homer kicked out of Springfield |
| EABF21 | Homer kills Patty and dresses her up as Marge to trick God. |
| EABF19 | The sisters call Homer "Hairy-ass Tubman." Homer responds by calling them "Fatty and Smellma" and throwing a car battery at them. |
| EABF19 | In a gesture of gratitude, Homer tells Patty and Selma "You slags are all right!" |
| FABF13 | Upon seeing young Patty and Selma for the first time, young Homer mistakes them for longshoremen. |
| GABF06 | Homer laughs at Selma's fears about losing her looks. Selma later kicks Homer's "thingies." |
The Sisters' Less-Appealing Qualities
| 7G12 | Slideshow involves Selma taking a siesta |
| 7F15 | Selma says she's getting older, fatter and uglier; she applies "Gee, your lips look hairless!"; Skinner imagines her ina nude spray-painting image |
| 8F08 | Patty suffers from an unusable leg razor; she fails to float in the red sea |
| 8F11 | Selma talks about finding Patty's stubble in her leg-razor |
| 8F14 | Selma snores; Lisa sees them naked; Bart finds their bra and blackhead gun; they're forced to rub Patty's feet |
| 8F20 | Selma is shown in the tub, pressing her cheek against a glass wall, and torturing Sideshow Bob with her requests for a footrub |
| 8F21 | Otto thinks Patty was born a man |
| 9F08 | Selma's kiss leaves a huge, red blob on Baby Lisa's face |
| 9F11 | Selma's butt falls asleep; "Back to the Loch with you, Nessie" |
| 9F22 | Selma's apparently always leaving the toilet seat up! |
| 1F03 | They refuse to participate in "girl-stuff" |
| 1F05 | They ride a horse naked through Springfield (them; not the horse) |
| 1F07 | Homer fearfully imagines them shaving their legs |
| 1F15 | They sit like a pair of witches as a tornado carries them away |
| 1F20 | Selma exhibits tight, revealing clothing |
| 2F14 | Homer grudgingly gives the two foot rubs (from "the corns" to "bunyan country") |
| 3F04 | They ask Marge "How's it hanging?"; Patty sucks a hermit crab out of its shell with her mouth |
| 3F11 | Marge bears witness to their frightening wardrobe rotation |
| 3F12 | Patty soaks her feet in a suitcase |
| 3F15 | Troy McClure administers breath-spray on her while kissing her |
| 4F06 | Patty is spotted exiting a burlesque house ... for men! |
| 4F16 | Patty is hinted at being "a man in a dress"; Selma swallows a band-aid |
| 5F02 | They are witches with green skin and warts |
| AABF21 | We see a rear view of them jogging on treadmills in sweat pants |
| DABF02 | Patty is somehow aware that the church now features ice in the urinals |
| DABF05 | Rides on the "Stayin' in the Closet" float in the Gay Pride Parade |
| DABF08 | Drive away Odysseus' men appearing as the (hideously ugly, seashell bra-wearing) Sirens in "Homer's Odyssey"
| | EABF19 | An episode of "The Price is Right" Patty and Selma appeared on was not aired because they aren't "TV Pretty." |
| FABF23 | "Dr. Bartley" notes that the latest victim of the "Muttonchop Murderer" could have been killed days ago, as "the body is bloated and the face is rotten. With her last breath, victim Selma remarks that "it was 5 minutes ago!" |
Cigarette / Smoking Jokes
| SC22 | They stop at the Kwik-E-Mart to get their cigarettes, but Apu isn't there; they recall buying emergency nicotine patches from Apu when they tried to quit smoking |
| 7F21 | In a flashback, they decide to take up smoking |
| 8F08 | Patty's cigarette butt lights the world's very first "Flaming Homer" |
| 8F10 | After taking their photograph, their mother announces "Okay, girls, you can smoke now." |
| 8F20 | Selma smokes in the bathtub; Sideshow Bob compares her to a divine ashtray; she decides to quit smoking - except after meals and after MacGyver |
| 9F08 | Baby Lisa is disturbed by their cigarette-smoke |
| 2F03 | Dressed as witches, they light their own stakes on fire with cigarettes |
| 2F10 | They cause Maggie to cough from inside the womb |
| 2F11 | They appreciate the preciousness of life ... while taking a puff |
| 2F14 | Homer mistakes their cigarette smoke for his house burning down; they're almost fired for smoking on the job |
| 3F11 | Selma has an old dress with cigarette-burns on it |
| 3F15 | Selma mistakingly lights a cigarette in a restaurant; after planning a pregnancy, Troy McClure announces she's "smoking for two!" |
| 5F03 | Patty stands by a lung capacity test booth (?) |
| 5F05 | They revel in having beaten cancer ... while taking another puff |
| BABF06 | Patty has "a nicotine cravin'" |
| CABF19 | They put the Ultrahouse to work holding an ashtray |
| FABF08 | They stop into Moe's because they ran out of cigarettes while jogging. |
| FABF13 | As soon as Marge leaves camp, young Patty and Selma whip out their cigarettes. Selma "can't believe she went five minutes without one of these dream sticks." |
| GABF06 | Selma resolves to give up smoking for her adopted child, announcing that they are now a Skoal family. |
The sisters are shown not smoking in 7G11 (Patty only), 9F09, 1F03 (Selma only), 1F09, 1F10, 1F13, 1F21, 2F16, 3F04, 3F06, AABF07 and AABF17. {dh}
Patty smokes "Lady Laramie 100's" while Selma smokes "Laramie Hi-Tars." {dh}
The Sisters' Relationship with Men
| 7F02 | They drool over Homer's new hairdo |
| 7F15 | Both are decidedly celebant; Patty dates Principal Skinner |
| 8F07 | Barney approaches them, thinking Selma is Mary Tyler Moore (only to be maced) |
| 8F14 | "We've got six months of maternity leave we're never gonna use anyway."; "Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight." |
| 8F20 | Selma marries Sideshow Bob; Patty becomes the only single sister |
| 9F04 | Patty loses the last lingering thread of her heterosexuality |
| 9F11 | "Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver!"; Selma wants a baby |
| 9F13 | Ralph Wiggum's performance as George Washington moves them both |
| 9F20 | Barney chats them up at the Simpsons' dinner party |
| 1F09 | Patty keeps a ball of MacGyver's hair in her purse; Barney flirts with them |
| 1F20 | Teaching a class on "How to Drive Your Man Wild" |
| 2F15 | In the future, they fight with Krabappel over Lisa's boquet |
| 2F31 | Sent into a murerous rampage at the thought of MacGyver being gay |
| 3F06 | They attempt a game of "good cop / bad cop" with a detective |
| 3F15 | Selma marries Troy McClure and considers having a child |
| 3F20 | Selma mentions her many marraiges to Homer |
| 4F20 | Selma is shown married to Apu, Chespirito and Itchy |
| 5F01 | Selma invites the TV repairman in as a "gentleman caller" |
| 5F04 | They attend a bachelor auction |
| 5F09 | They're in line to register as sex offenders (willingly?) |
| AABF17 | "Single, eh? Well, he passes the Selma-test." (about Mr. Burns) |
| BABF18 | At Otto's wedding, they teach Lisa the truth about men (they're pigs!) |
| DABF12 | Are seen simultaneously marrying Grandpa in the "They'll Never Stop the Simpsons" song
| | FABF08 | Selma says to Artie Ziff "Come on, Short Round, we're going back to my Temple of Doom!" Her "angry love" leaves him a changed man. |
| FABF08 | Artie Ziff can't break Selma's heart because he kind of makes her sick. Due to this, Selma decides that their relationship could work. |
| FABF12 | At Edna's bridal shower, they tell Chief Wiggum they've been "awfully naughty" and he should "lay down the law." |
| FABF13 | Young Patty and Selma claim to know every thing about boys, except what they look like below the waist. Patty has some theories based on a G.I. Joe. Later, Patty kisses Homer to prove that a kiss can be meaningless. |
| GABF04 | Patty reveals that she is a lesbian |
Working at the DMV
| 7F15 | Hans Moleman gets an eye exam; their co-workers get married |
| 8F20 | Hans Moleman needs another eye exam |
| 8F21 | Otto needs to earn his drivers' license |
| 9F11 | Hans Moleman needs yet another eye exam |
| 2F14 | Homer depends on them for his chauffer's license |
| 3F15 | Grampa Simpson needs his license revoked; Troy McClure visits |
| 3F17 | Bart visits them for "Go to Work With Your Parents Day" and creates a phony license |
| CABF19 | Patty details her parking disputes with Sheila to the Pierce Brosnan Ultrahouse |
| DABF09 | Selma gives Grandpa his drivers' license on the condition he never winks at her again |
| GABF06 | Selma accompanies Mr. Burns on a driving exam. Later, she speaks to the Chinese adoption officer "bureaucrat to bureaucrat" |
Patty and Selma vs. Marge
| 7F07 | They insult Marge's cooking on Thanksgiving |
| 7F21 | As children, they enslave Marge for a brief period |
| 8F15 | As children, they make fun of Marge's dream to be an astronaut |
| 2F08 | As children, they torment Marge before her first day of school |
| 2F10 | They leak news of her pregnancy despite her orders to the contrary |
| 2F14 | Marge sets them straight in their attitude towards Homer |
Bonding with Marge
| 7G08 | They visit for Christmas |
| 7G12 | They visit with slides from their trip to the Yucatan |
| 7F02 | They watch game shows with the family |
| 7F05 | They say goodbye as the Simpsons leave for Capital City |
| 7F07 | They visit for Thanksgiving |
| 8F07 | They select new hairdos with her in the kitchen |
| 8F09 | They watch the financial channel with Marge and the kids |
| 8F21 | While Bart, Homer and Milhouse are at a rock concert |
| 9F04 | They eat together in the kitchen |
| 9F09 | They clip coupons in the kitchen together |
| 1F05 | They diagnose her mental stress |
| 1F06 | They accompany Marge in the kitchen |
| 1F13 | They watch Homer's launch with the rest of the family |
| 3F04 | They visit after their trip to Sulfur Bay |
| 3F11 | They assist Marge's wardrobe troubles |
| 3F15 | Marge and Patty try to talk sense into Selma's marraige |
| 5F02 | They trick-or-treat together |
| BABF18 | They warn Marge that Becky is out to seduce Homer and kill her, like in that documentary "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" |
| DABF04 | Signs an e-mail to Artie Ziff "Your love slave, Marge." |
| EABF19 | They suggest buying Marge a "kitchen carnival" for Mothers' Day. |
On the Phone with Marge
| 7G11 | On the morning of Marge's birthday |
| 7F05 | They plan on calling Marge every day in Capital City |
| 8F09 | They advise Marge to turn to the financial channel |
| 8F19 | Marge talks to Selma about Lurleen |
| 5F11 | Patty is the first caller to Compuglobalhypermeganet (cut in syndication) |
Patty and Selma Bond with the Kids
| 7F15 | They watch the kids for the night; Bart tries to cheer up Selma |
| 9F11 | Selma takes the kids to Duff Gardens |
| 5F07 | Selma gives Bart a dollar for Christmas |
| CABF03 | Maggie's "safe-house" is with them; they put her in a Selma-esque wig and expect her to eat a manwich |
Mace
| 7F20 | Barney is maced by them |
| 8F07 | Barney is maced by them again |
| 8F20 | Selma bought stock in a mace company right before society crumbled |
Patty and Selma's Travels
| 7G12 | Preparing 8 carousels of slides from Mexico |
| 7F15 | Egypt, Lenin's Tomb, Gettysberg |
| 8F08 | Armed with slides from their trip to Czechoslovakia |
| 8F20 | More talk of their trip to Egypt; Easter Island |
| GABF06 | With the Simpsons in tow, Selma visits China to adopt a child |
Patty and Selma Flashbacks
| 7F12 | They argue over Marge's prom date |
| 7F21 | Little Marge is their personal slave |
| 8F15 | As children, they make fun of Marge's dream to be an astronaut |
| 9F11 | Marge mistakes a childhood memory of her sisters for "Prince of Tides" |
| 9F22 | Flashback to Sideshow Bob's attempt at murder |
| 2F08 | As children, they torment Marge before her first day of school |
| FABF13 | In Marge's flashback to camp, Patty correctly guesses the name of the boy in the washing room (Homer) |
Other/Misc. Notes {dh}
| 7G06 | Their picture hangs on the Simpson mantel piece |
| 7G11 | They keep a portrait of Bart on the wall of their apartment |
| 7F15 | Patty felt asleep on the Simpson couch with a lit cigarette in her hand |
| 7F20 | At the Simpson party, Barney was so drunk that he was chatting up P&S as if they were one person |
| 8F07 | At the hair salon, the twins are reading gossip magazines "Idle Chatter" and "Peephole" |
| 8F14 | They have two dead-bolts and a chain-lock on their apartment door |
| 8F14 | their heads don't actually rest on their pillows because of their hair-dos |
| 1F05 | They own medical equipment |
| 1F09 | They carry around on them clumps of McGyver's hair |
| 2F14 | Chief Wiggum carries around (on him) a photo of them |
| 2F15 | They wore black to Lisa's wedding |
| EABF21 | God mistakes Patty for Selma. |
| FABF12 | Selma prepares "Vigrin Screaming Orgasms" at Edna's bridal shower |
| FABF18 | They publish a quiz to determine if you're a "Patty" or a "Selma" in their newspaper, the "Twin Spin." The Sea Captain is a Selma. |
In the swing pass over Springfield in the opening credits, Grampa, Jasper, and Herman are watching them sunbathe.
Patty and Selma have no significant speaking roles in Season 14.
CONTRIBUTORS
{dh} Dave Hall (davehall@simpsonsarchive.com)
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