The Patty and Selma File

Originally by Dave Hall and Jordan Eisenberg
Maintained by Matt Conrad

Version 3.6
This list is updated through most of Season 16. The remainder of Season 16 and Season 17 will be added shortly. Please e-mail all omissions and errors to Matt Conrad.

   Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
   Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
          and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
   Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.  But I thought she was the one that didn't like
          to be ... you know ... touched.
   Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy.  Selma simply had celibacy
          thrust upon her.
-- "Principal Charming (7F15)"

Patty's Characteristics
A sworn celibant, Patty's only relationship was a one-sided fling with Principal Skinner. She is distinguished by her triangular earings, circular necklace beads and pinkish dress.

Selma's Characteristics
Her full name is Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. Her closest companions are her sister, Patty, and her pet iguana, Jub Jub. She lacks a sense of taste and smell, and is distinguished by the part in her hair, her S-shaped earings, oblong necklace beads and light-blue dress.

Episodes Based Around Patty and Selma
7F15Principal Charming
8F20Black Widower
9F11Selma's Choice
2F14Homer vs. Patty & Selma
3F15A Fish Called Selma
5F02Easy Bake Coven
GABG04There's Something About Marrying
GABF06Goo Goo Gai Pan

7F15Patty likes Cherry Cordials
8F07"Mary Tyler Moore" hairdo; Modern Bride Magazine
9F08Little Bart's "Spout Medley"
1F05Brad Goodman's infomercials
3F15Troy McClure; "Divorce Court"
5F02Selma prefers Eye of Newt
DABF04"Nookie in New York"
FABF08Selma likes a man with a little mystery (i.e. keeps his socks on during sex)

Patty and Selma vs. Homer
7G08They hint at Homer's cheating on Marge; badmouth him in front of Lisa
7G11They present cynical opinions throughout Marge's birthday, and hope for Homer to choke on his food
7G13He is caught on tape referring to them as the "gruesome twosome"
7F02Patty refuses to think about Homer's "friskiness"
7F05"Look, he can use a horn!"; they yell at him to shut up
7F07They accuse Homer (rightly) of being insincere; compare him to a caveman
7F12Their first glimpse of Homer in a flashback; they already hate him
8F07They bet on weather or not Homer is wearing pants, mock his potential Fatherhood Quotient, and trick him into saying "I'm also fat"; Homer laughs at their new hairdos
8F09Speculate that Homer bought some magic beans with his stock money; not surprised that Homer (supposedly) spent $5,200 on beer
8F10Many rivalries as Homer lives with Marge in their house
8F14Suggesting that Homer might trade his youngest daughter for beer and a nudie magazine; they greet him rather unpolitely at their apartment
8F19Patty roots for Lurleen's success ... if it means getting rid of Homer
8F20Homer's wedding gift to Selma is a video-casette; which he plans to tape over himself
8F21"There goes Davey Crockett in his baldskin cap"; joke about Homer getting his nose caught in the toaster, and a chicken wing stuck to his face for 3 days
9F04Homer befalls the last lingering thread of Patty's heterosexuality
9F09The sisters seek out a replacement for Homer, even though he's alive
9F11They're disgusted by Homer hugging them
1F06Patty speculates that Homer (with Bart) is lost in the woods during cougar season
1F07They show up in Homer's mental image of "unsexy thoughts"
1F15Homer happily spots the two amidst a tornado's wrath
1F21Patty greets the family: "Hello, everyone except Homer."
2F01Homer approves of Sideshow Bob's Selma-killing policy
2F03Homer is delighted to hear the news of his sisters-in-law's death
2F10Patty and Selma leak the news of Marge's pregnancy, attempting to destroy Homer
2F14Plot of the episode involves Patty and Selma blackmailing Homer
3F04Homer (and the kids) scramble to hide from the sisters; they joke about Homer's showering habits, and him disappearing into "fat air"
3F06They purchase Homer's tombstone, in hopes of his death rumors being true
3F10They bowl for a competing team: the DMV Regulation Kings
3F15Selma says Homer "would have to bathe to be a pig"
3G02Homer fantasizes about them melting in blazing heat
5F01Homer is tempted to shoot them as they ride past on a bicycle; Selma is relieved that Marge leaves Homer
5F02Selma forgets Homer's name, calling him Durwood (a reference to "Bewitched")
AABF21Homer thinks a view of their rear ends is "nauseating," and faints
BABF18Patty says seducing Homer would be "act act of violence; not love"
BABF22Patty scandalizes Homer for not laughing during "Love is Nice"
DABF04The sisters revel in Marge leaving Homer
EABF01The sisters throw a cinderblock at a Homer dummy during Sideshow Bob's stakeout
EABF12They sponsor Prop. 104 to get Homer kicked out of Springfield
EABF21Homer kills Patty and dresses her up as Marge to trick God.
EABF19The sisters call Homer "Hairy-ass Tubman." Homer responds by calling them "Fatty and Smellma" and throwing a car battery at them.
EABF19In a gesture of gratitude, Homer tells Patty and Selma "You slags are all right!"
FABF13Upon seeing young Patty and Selma for the first time, young Homer mistakes them for longshoremen.
GABF06Homer laughs at Selma's fears about losing her looks. Selma later kicks Homer's "thingies."

The Sisters' Less-Appealing Qualities
7G12Slideshow involves Selma taking a siesta
7F15Selma says she's getting older, fatter and uglier; she applies "Gee, your lips look hairless!"; Skinner imagines her ina nude spray-painting image
8F08Patty suffers from an unusable leg razor; she fails to float in the red sea
8F11Selma talks about finding Patty's stubble in her leg-razor
8F14Selma snores; Lisa sees them naked; Bart finds their bra and blackhead gun; they're forced to rub Patty's feet
8F20Selma is shown in the tub, pressing her cheek against a glass wall, and torturing Sideshow Bob with her requests for a footrub
8F21Otto thinks Patty was born a man
9F08Selma's kiss leaves a huge, red blob on Baby Lisa's face
9F11Selma's butt falls asleep; "Back to the Loch with you, Nessie"
9F22Selma's apparently always leaving the toilet seat up!
1F03They refuse to participate in "girl-stuff"
1F05They ride a horse naked through Springfield (them; not the horse)
1F07Homer fearfully imagines them shaving their legs
1F15They sit like a pair of witches as a tornado carries them away
1F20Selma exhibits tight, revealing clothing
2F14Homer grudgingly gives the two foot rubs (from "the corns" to "bunyan country")
3F04They ask Marge "How's it hanging?"; Patty sucks a hermit crab out of its shell with her mouth
3F11Marge bears witness to their frightening wardrobe rotation
3F12Patty soaks her feet in a suitcase
3F15Troy McClure administers breath-spray on her while kissing her
4F06Patty is spotted exiting a burlesque house ... for men!
4F16Patty is hinted at being "a man in a dress"; Selma swallows a band-aid
5F02They are witches with green skin and warts
AABF21We see a rear view of them jogging on treadmills in sweat pants
DABF02Patty is somehow aware that the church now features ice in the urinals
DABF05Rides on the "Stayin' in the Closet" float in the Gay Pride Parade
DABF08Drive away Odysseus' men appearing as the (hideously ugly, seashell bra-wearing) Sirens in "Homer's Odyssey"
EABF19An episode of "The Price is Right" Patty and Selma appeared on was not aired because they aren't "TV Pretty."
FABF23"Dr. Bartley" notes that the latest victim of the "Muttonchop Murderer" could have been killed days ago, as "the body is bloated and the face is rotten. With her last breath, victim Selma remarks that "it was 5 minutes ago!"

Cigarette / Smoking Jokes
SC22They stop at the Kwik-E-Mart to get their cigarettes, but Apu isn't there; they recall buying emergency nicotine patches from Apu when they tried to quit smoking
7F21In a flashback, they decide to take up smoking
8F08Patty's cigarette butt lights the world's very first "Flaming Homer"
8F10After taking their photograph, their mother announces "Okay, girls, you can smoke now."
8F20Selma smokes in the bathtub; Sideshow Bob compares her to a divine ashtray; she decides to quit smoking - except after meals and after MacGyver
9F08Baby Lisa is disturbed by their cigarette-smoke
2F03Dressed as witches, they light their own stakes on fire with cigarettes
2F10They cause Maggie to cough from inside the womb
2F11They appreciate the preciousness of life ... while taking a puff
2F14Homer mistakes their cigarette smoke for his house burning down; they're almost fired for smoking on the job
3F11Selma has an old dress with cigarette-burns on it
3F15Selma mistakingly lights a cigarette in a restaurant; after planning a pregnancy, Troy McClure announces she's "smoking for two!"
5F03Patty stands by a lung capacity test booth (?)
5F05They revel in having beaten cancer ... while taking another puff
BABF06Patty has "a nicotine cravin'"
CABF19They put the Ultrahouse to work holding an ashtray
FABF08They stop into Moe's because they ran out of cigarettes while jogging.
FABF13As soon as Marge leaves camp, young Patty and Selma whip out their cigarettes. Selma "can't believe she went five minutes without one of these dream sticks."
GABF06Selma resolves to give up smoking for her adopted child, announcing that they are now a Skoal family.

The sisters are shown not smoking in 7G11 (Patty only), 9F09, 1F03 (Selma only), 1F09, 1F10, 1F13, 1F21, 2F16, 3F04, 3F06, AABF07 and AABF17. {dh}
Patty smokes "Lady Laramie 100's" while Selma smokes "Laramie Hi-Tars." {dh}

The Sisters' Relationship with Men
7F02They drool over Homer's new hairdo
7F15Both are decidedly celebant; Patty dates Principal Skinner
8F07Barney approaches them, thinking Selma is Mary Tyler Moore (only to be maced)
8F14"We've got six months of maternity leave we're never gonna use anyway."; "Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight."
8F20Selma marries Sideshow Bob; Patty becomes the only single sister
9F04Patty loses the last lingering thread of her heterosexuality
9F11"Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver!"; Selma wants a baby
9F13Ralph Wiggum's performance as George Washington moves them both
9F20Barney chats them up at the Simpsons' dinner party
1F09Patty keeps a ball of MacGyver's hair in her purse; Barney flirts with them
1F20Teaching a class on "How to Drive Your Man Wild"
2F15In the future, they fight with Krabappel over Lisa's boquet
2F31Sent into a murerous rampage at the thought of MacGyver being gay
3F06They attempt a game of "good cop / bad cop" with a detective
3F15Selma marries Troy McClure and considers having a child
3F20Selma mentions her many marraiges to Homer
4F20Selma is shown married to Apu, Chespirito and Itchy
5F01Selma invites the TV repairman in as a "gentleman caller"
5F04They attend a bachelor auction
5F09They're in line to register as sex offenders (willingly?)
AABF17"Single, eh? Well, he passes the Selma-test." (about Mr. Burns)
BABF18At Otto's wedding, they teach Lisa the truth about men (they're pigs!)
DABF12Are seen simultaneously marrying Grandpa in the "They'll Never Stop the Simpsons" song
FABF08Selma says to Artie Ziff "Come on, Short Round, we're going back to my Temple of Doom!" Her "angry love" leaves him a changed man.
FABF08Artie Ziff can't break Selma's heart because he kind of makes her sick. Due to this, Selma decides that their relationship could work.
FABF12At Edna's bridal shower, they tell Chief Wiggum they've been "awfully naughty" and he should "lay down the law."
FABF13Young Patty and Selma claim to know every thing about boys, except what they look like below the waist. Patty has some theories based on a G.I. Joe. Later, Patty kisses Homer to prove that a kiss can be meaningless.
GABF04Patty reveals that she is a lesbian

Working at the DMV
7F15Hans Moleman gets an eye exam; their co-workers get married
8F20Hans Moleman needs another eye exam
8F21Otto needs to earn his drivers' license
9F11Hans Moleman needs yet another eye exam
2F14Homer depends on them for his chauffer's license
3F15Grampa Simpson needs his license revoked; Troy McClure visits
3F17Bart visits them for "Go to Work With Your Parents Day" and creates a phony license
CABF19Patty details her parking disputes with Sheila to the Pierce Brosnan Ultrahouse
DABF09Selma gives Grandpa his drivers' license on the condition he never winks at her again
GABF06Selma accompanies Mr. Burns on a driving exam. Later, she speaks to the Chinese adoption officer "bureaucrat to bureaucrat"

Patty and Selma vs. Marge
7F07They insult Marge's cooking on Thanksgiving
7F21As children, they enslave Marge for a brief period
8F15As children, they make fun of Marge's dream to be an astronaut
2F08As children, they torment Marge before her first day of school
2F10They leak news of her pregnancy despite her orders to the contrary
2F14Marge sets them straight in their attitude towards Homer

Bonding with Marge
7G08They visit for Christmas
7G12They visit with slides from their trip to the Yucatan
7F02They watch game shows with the family
7F05They say goodbye as the Simpsons leave for Capital City
7F07They visit for Thanksgiving
8F07They select new hairdos with her in the kitchen
8F09They watch the financial channel with Marge and the kids
8F21While Bart, Homer and Milhouse are at a rock concert
9F04They eat together in the kitchen
9F09They clip coupons in the kitchen together
1F05They diagnose her mental stress
1F06They accompany Marge in the kitchen
1F13They watch Homer's launch with the rest of the family
3F04They visit after their trip to Sulfur Bay
3F11They assist Marge's wardrobe troubles
3F15Marge and Patty try to talk sense into Selma's marraige
5F02They trick-or-treat together
BABF18They warn Marge that Becky is out to seduce Homer and kill her, like in that documentary "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle"
DABF04Signs an e-mail to Artie Ziff "Your love slave, Marge."
EABF19They suggest buying Marge a "kitchen carnival" for Mothers' Day.

On the Phone with Marge
7G11On the morning of Marge's birthday
7F05They plan on calling Marge every day in Capital City
8F09They advise Marge to turn to the financial channel
8F19Marge talks to Selma about Lurleen
5F11Patty is the first caller to Compuglobalhypermeganet (cut in syndication)

Patty and Selma Bond with the Kids
7F15They watch the kids for the night; Bart tries to cheer up Selma
9F11Selma takes the kids to Duff Gardens
5F07Selma gives Bart a dollar for Christmas
CABF03Maggie's "safe-house" is with them; they put her in a Selma-esque wig and expect her to eat a manwich

7F20Barney is maced by them
8F07Barney is maced by them again
8F20Selma bought stock in a mace company right before society crumbled

Patty and Selma's Travels
7G12Preparing 8 carousels of slides from Mexico
7F15Egypt, Lenin's Tomb, Gettysberg
8F08Armed with slides from their trip to Czechoslovakia
8F20More talk of their trip to Egypt; Easter Island
GABF06With the Simpsons in tow, Selma visits China to adopt a child

Patty and Selma Flashbacks
7F12They argue over Marge's prom date
7F21Little Marge is their personal slave
8F15As children, they make fun of Marge's dream to be an astronaut
9F11Marge mistakes a childhood memory of her sisters for "Prince of Tides"
9F22Flashback to Sideshow Bob's attempt at murder
2F08As children, they torment Marge before her first day of school
FABF13In Marge's flashback to camp, Patty correctly guesses the name of the boy in the washing room (Homer)

Other/Misc. Notes {dh}
7G06Their picture hangs on the Simpson mantel piece
7G11They keep a portrait of Bart on the wall of their apartment
7F15Patty felt asleep on the Simpson couch with a lit cigarette in her hand
7F20At the Simpson party, Barney was so drunk that he was chatting up P&S as if they were one person
8F07At the hair salon, the twins are reading gossip magazines "Idle Chatter" and "Peephole"
8F14They have two dead-bolts and a chain-lock on their apartment door
8F14their heads don't actually rest on their pillows because of their hair-dos
1F05They own medical equipment
1F09They carry around on them clumps of McGyver's hair
2F14Chief Wiggum carries around (on him) a photo of them
2F15They wore black to Lisa's wedding
EABF21God mistakes Patty for Selma.
FABF12Selma prepares "Vigrin Screaming Orgasms" at Edna's bridal shower
FABF18They publish a quiz to determine if you're a "Patty" or a "Selma" in their newspaper, the "Twin Spin." The Sea Captain is a Selma.

In the swing pass over Springfield in the opening credits, Grampa, Jasper, and Herman are watching them sunbathe.
Patty and Selma have no significant speaking roles in Season 14.


{dh} Dave Hall (

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Last updated on February 10, 2006 by Matt Conrad (