[1F06] Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood

Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood                                   Written by Dan McGrath
                                                      Directed by Jeffrey Lynch
Production code: 1F06                       Original airdate in N.A.: 18-Nov-93
                                                  Capsule revision J, 22-Feb-97

Title sequence

Blackboard :- None due to shortened intro.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family's eyes all run in in darkness -- and when the
              lights come on, the bodies run in after the eyes.  The
              bodies sit down on the couch and lean forward, sticking
              their eyes in their sockets with a popping sound.

Did you notice...

    ... Groucho Marx in the crowd around Dr. Hibbert?
    ... Homer walking by the window after Lisa's line about cartoons not
        having to be 100% realistic?
    ... the Krusty Burger map of the US has an apple with a knife in it
        for NY state, and a big dollar sign over Nevada?
    ... spit flies from Flanders' mouth each time Homer slaps him?

Don Del Grande:
    ... in "Panamanian Strongman", the building Noriega is on flies a
        Panamanian flag?
    ... the ship Barney ends up on flies a Greek flag?  (Also, Barney
        comes to on sacks of baklava.)
    ... everybody (including Maggie) is eating (well, she's just patting
        it) a bowl of the same thing (cereal? oatmeal?) at breakfast?
    ... after Dr. Hibbert does his street appendectomy, the patient
        feels no pain and isn't bleeding?
    ... when Bart gets his rubber knife, the Junior Camper in the poster
        is saluting with his left hand?
    ... when Bart complains to Homer that he isn't doing anything to
        help, he calls Mr. Flanders "Ned"?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... someone drops a glass upon hearing Bart wants an all-syrup
    ... money is never exchanged between Apu and Bart?
    ... you can do a lot in this town with $20?
    ... Dolph's shirt is dark blue?
    ... Bart changes his clothes in class?
    ... SLH eats the floor pie in two bites?
    ... Homer, duh-the captain, splashes everyone but himself and Bart?
    ... the campers have watched "From Here to Eternity"?
    ... Homer sings along at the same rate as the tape when it slows
    ... Homer wants a fried fish but there's no frying equipment?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Hans Moleman, Captain McAllister,
      Krusty, father in Bart's vision)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Kearney, Todd Flanders)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Andre in video game, Arcade security boy, Apu,
      sailor, Moe, man with appendicitis, father in Bart's vision,
      Wiggum, Lou)
    - Harry Shearer (arcade security guard, Skinner, Flanders, Jasper,
      Dr. Hibbert, man in suit on oil rig)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Ernest Borgnine (himself)
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Jimbo, fat kid)
    - Maggie Roswell (Warren)
    - Russi Taylor (Martin, camper in Bart's vision)

Movie (and other) references

  + "Boys 'N the Hood" {rl}
    - episode title
  + "My Dinner With Andre" {ddg}
    - video game Martin was playing
  + "King Kong" {tab}
    - "Panamanian Strongman" has a similar theme
  + "Six Million Dollar Man"
    - Apu at the Squishy machine
  + "On the Town"
    - Bart & Milhouse broadway song (see below)
  + "Crocodile Dundee"
    - Hans Moleman: "You call that a knife?"
  + "Ah, Wilderness" {ddg}
    - Itchy & Scratchy episode title
  + "Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown"
    - the shots of the rafts
  + "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
    - Homer: "Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink"
  + "Deliverance"
    - shot of rafts moving slowly through the darkened trees
  + "Friday the 13th"
    - closing scene around campfire

Previous episode references

- [8F11] A swear word shaved into one's hair (Bart desires it in 8F11)
- [8F11] "The Looter" video game (cf. "Larry the Looter" in 8F11)
- [8F21] Hibbert: "Don't thank me, thank the knife" (cf. MacGyver:
  "Don't thank me, thank the moon's gravitational pull" in 8F21)
- [8F23] "Don't hurt me."  {rl}
- [9F06] Homer: "Go away, eating" (cf. "Can't talk, eating" at "The
  Frying Dutchman" in 9F06)
- [9F10] "Batman?"  (cf. "Steak?")  {rl}
- [9F15] Toothless Joe Bubble Gum (cf. Joe & "chomper" in 9F15)
- [9F20] Hans: "Down I go" (cf. warden in 9F20) {pam}

Freeze frame fun

- In the Noiseland Arcade: {rc}
    - The Looter
    - Satan's ???
    - Touch of Death
    - Alien
    - Terminator
    - My Dinner With Andre'
        - Control: Trenchant Insight, "Tell Me More", Bon Mot
    - Viewmaster
    - Escape From Death Row
    - Panamanian Strongman (w/ George Bush)
- In the Kwik-E-Mart: {rc}
    - Candy Eggs, Chipz, Doodles, Bomb, Mmmms
    - Radioactive Man #8 (comic book)
    - NUKE arcade machine
    - Squishy machine settings:
        - Recommended Dosage
        - Unhealthy Dosage
        - Experimental
- The boys' tatoos:
    - Bart:
        - Cobweb and bat on right arm
        - Snake on left arm
    - Milhouse:
        - Sexy woman on right arm
        - Globe (?) on left arm
        - Fiery skull on torso
- During the Apu hallucination scene: {rc}
    - Models and Model Decals
    - Triple-G rated movie
    - Pop, Sweet Tooth
    - Come On In
    - Bootleg Records (sign has a boot on top)
    - All Nite Arcade
    - On Tap: Cold Root Beer, Booking, Batting
    - Bicycle Seat Covers Here
    - Happy Birthday
    - Bowl
- The sign said, "Junior Campers Meeting Room" and "Not affiliated with
  the Boy Scouts of America"
- Bart's patches: {rc}
    - Archery (bullseye target)
    - Debt Collecting (knives, open hand, cup with coins in it)
    - Embalming (mounted cat with x's for eyes)
    - TV Trivia (TV set with colored Trivial Pursuit squares)
    - Patch Forgery (camera with cloth and needle/thread)
- Some of Donny Don't's antics from "The 10 Do's and 500 Don'ts of Knife
    - using knife as toothbrush
    - using knife in slingshot
    - stabbing cat
- Krusty Burger fun map: {rc}
    - Hey Kids Color In All Fifty States!
    - NY is signified by an apple with a knife in it
    - NV has a big dollar sign on it

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The faceplate on "Panamanian Strongman" changes: in one shot it has
Noriega and Uncle Sam on it, but in the next shot Uncle Sam is gone.

The Squishy machine appears to have something purple and something red,
but the one Bart gets is green.

Milhouse's eyes have tiny whites when his glasses fly off, but Klasky-
Csupo normally leave the whites off the eyes of characters with glasses.

Bart's and Milhouse's tattoos disappear in the shot immediately after
they get them, when Barney is walking behind them.

When Bart wakes up in bed with the Junior Camper uniform on, in one
scene he has no white dots on his shoes.

When keepaway is played, the shorts and the shirt manage to stay
together.  {rl}

In "The 10 Do's and 500 Don'ts of Knife Safety", the apostrophes are

Homer's hairs should have hung down when he swung over the floor pie,
but they didn't.  {rl}

A "sheet bend" is a knot used to join two ropes together.  It cannot be
used to tie a cat's tongue to a peg, as it requires two free rope ends.

How could the pie be resting over the hole in the driveway without
pulling the green blanket in with it?

In one of the pictures of the Krusty Burger map, the US seems to have
annexed the Canadian Maritime provinces.

On the map, Krusty yells, "Hey Kids!  Color in All Fifty States!", but
the map only has the lower 48 states on it.  {tab}

The map has Mississippi incorrectly labeled as MI.  {djk}

Bart pulls the fork out from one side of the knife, but Flanders folds
it back into the other side.  {mm}

When the raft starts to fill with water, a number of patches suddenly
appear on it.  {ddg}

Although Bart can't lift his arms to hug Homer, he is strong enough to
row to the oil rig.  {ddg}

What happened to the rest of the fathers on the raft trip?  We only see
Borgnine with the kids.  {mm}


Ron Carter: (B) I liked this one, the pacing on the raft trip was too
    slow, but lots of nice refs, and the plot flowed quite well.  Some
    of the visuals were quite nice; the Broadway sequence and "Friday
    the 13th" closing had some really good shots and pacing.

Joey Berner: Well, I have to say that last night was pretty much a
    turkey for me.  Once again, the first act was strong and then
    tapered off after that.  Most of the jokes are just getting too
    predictable.  At least this episode had one plot, rather than two
    disconnected ones.  I can't really think of any memorable quotes
    from this, although I thought the Broadway montage was kind of
    interesting.  All in all, I'd have to give this one a C. A few
    chuckles, no real big laughs and basically, kind of a clunker.

Mike Loux: I really liked this episode.  The one-liners and double-take
    scenes (that is, scenes where I do a double-take because something
    bizarre pops up - like the burst appendix that really bursts) were
    well-done.  Seemed a lot like some of the older episodes.  Overall,
    I give this episode an A-.  I laughed my head off.

Carl Frank: VERY slow first act that -- like last week -- had little to
    do with the rest of the plot.  Once it got rolling, however, the
    11/18 episode was one of the better ones.  Some terrific lines
    ("Cartoons don't have to be 100 percent realistic" with two Homers;
    "Stupid poetic justice"; "Seagulls only go out to sea to die..."
    splash), some great refs (Deliverance, Lenny Bernstein's _On The
    Town_, Beauty and the Beast) and some fantastic freeze frame fun
    (_My Dinner with Andre_ video game and the _Patch Forgery_ merit
    badge).  Overall rating B/B+.

Marc Wasserman: I give it a B as well, but I thought the raft trip
    pacing was fine; it was supposed to be slow to give us the feeling
    of a lot of time spent out there.  Favorite moment: "We're saved!
    Seagulls are only found near land!  They only come out to sea to
    die!"  Seconds later: "Swaaaaak!  (Splash)"

Chris Estep: I give it an A-.  It did move a little slow at times.
    Beyond that, I thought the humor was very abundant.  Plenty of gags.
    Favorite moment: The veiled reference to Deliverance when they were
    rafting and you hear "dueling banjos" and see shadows looking
    through the woods.

Yours truly: I have to give it a C-.  It would have been OK, except
    Homer's engrossing level of stupidity wrecked it for me.  He
    reminded me too much of John Cleese in "Fawlty Towers" --
    domineering and incompetent.  Highlights: the ingredients of the
    peanuts, Bart half-heartedly trying to get his uniform back, Bart
    being promoted to "pussy willow", Krusty: "We're takin' a bath on
    this one."  Slightly below average episode.

Comments and other observations

Musical notes

Some of the music from this episode included:

    - "Flight of the Bumblebee" while the $20 floats away
    - The Archies, "Sugar, Sugar (You Are My Candy Girl)"
    - "Dueling Banjos" in the shot of Ernest et al. traveling slowly
      through the forest
    - Ernest Borgnine and the kids sing "Bingo"

The Broadway scene

Mary Jo Place says, "The `Broadway' scene is a reference to an old MGM
    musical called `On the Town', about three sailors on shore leave and
    their adventures in the Big City.  Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra were
    both in it; the third guy I don't remember.  Many of the dance
    sequence/city montages were done in THAT sort of dreamlike way for
    which Gene Kelly was famous/notorious.  The movie (based on a
    broadway play, I think) was most famous for the song `New York, New
    York, it's a hell of a town' which was parodied on last night's

"Don't Bogart That Squishy!"

It's easy to miss, but just before Barney says, "I don't know where you
    magic pixies came from," Milhouse yells, "Don't Bogart that
    squishy!"  (The close captioning says this as well.)  Thomas Baker
    says, "Little Feat had their most famous song, `Don't Bogart That
    Joint', which fits in with the drink/drug culture motif of the

Springfield's location

Several posters noted that in this episode, Springfield is probably in
    an east coast state, since the raft trip carried them out to the
    Atlantic fairly rapidly, and since the oil rig is shown to be in
    this same ocean on the Krusty Burger map.

Homer's cruelty?

Yours truly feels Homer was too cruel and moronic this episode to be
    likable.  Brian Kemper agrees: "I've got to admit that this bothered
    me too, enough that it distracted me from really enjoying the show.
    If he'd teased Bart just _once_, it would've been funny, but to do
    it for the _entire show_ was not."  So does C. Mealy: "I agree.
    This year Homer's just plain mean.  I'm not the kind that gets upset
    or offended at all, but I don't understand how Homer being cruel is
    funny.  I find myself not laughing.  I think the difference is that
    in the past he was pathetically self-centered, like a three year
    old, and a total hedonist.  Now he likes being mean."

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]

It's an afternoon at the video arcade!  The arcade is packed with kids,
some even forming long lines as they wait for a game to become free.
Martin plays one of the more intellectual games.

Video Man: Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the
   Martin: [entranced] Tell me more!
-- Martin plays "My Dinner with Andre", "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Meanwhile, Bart plays a rather more violent game while Milhouse watches.

Bart: Be cool, Simpson...but be _in_ the game, not _of_ the game.
 Man: Bwaa!  No es bueno...Bwaa!
       [He gets shot and falls off the building]
       [George Bush walks on the screen and kicks the corpse]
Bush: [robotically] Winners don't use drugs.
-- Bart plays "Panamanian Strongman", "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

"GAME OVER" flashes on the screen.  Bart is despondent.

    Bart: Aw, I'm out of money.
Milhouse: Don't say that out loud!
           [Security men watch a bank of TV screens]
   Man 1: Caucasian males out of money in sector four.  Go to code red.
-- Bart and Milhouse at the arcade, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Each security guard has a key, and they place them into keyholes
simultaneously and turn them clockwise.  In the arcade, a siren goes off
and red lights bathe all the game players in an eerie glow.  Bart and
Milhouse watch as a door opens and a huge shadow walks out of the
blinding white light, smoke billowing around its form as its footfalls
shake the room.  It turns out to be the change boy, and he says, "I'm
sorry, you'll have to leave," as though reading these words off a card.
Bart and Milhouse walk out.

Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
 Bum: You mustn't kill time, boys, you must cherish it.  Seize the
      day!...Can I have some change to go get loaded?
-- Bart and Milhouse get ejected from the arcade, "Boy Scoutz 'N the

At home, Homer is surrounded by books.

Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites...
 [Looks at books, picks up peanut jar]
Honey-roasted peanuts.  Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting
agents, [excited] pressed peanut sweepings..." Mmm.
-- Homer reads a literary masterpiece, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Marge interrupts Homer's fantasy, saying she has to go out to pick up
something for dinner.  "Steak?"  Homer guesses happily, but Marge says
the money's too tight.  "Steak?"  Homer guesses again, and Marge says
with a worried look, "Er, sure, steak..."

Homer turns back to the honey-roasted peanut jar.

Ah, the last peanut -- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed
-- Homer with an almost empty jar of peanuts, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

He tips his head back, closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and tosses the
peanut towards his head, missing his mouth.  The peanut clatters behind
the couch, and after a couple of seconds, Homer observes, "Something's
wrong."  He gets down on his hands and knees in front of the couch and
reaches underneath.

               [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
        Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy!
               Eww, slimy.
               Oh, moving!
               Ah-ha!  [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty
               dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
        Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
-- The voice of reason, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

"Woo hoo!"  Homer chuckles, and he begins to walk out.  But he trips on
the peanut and lands on his fat can.  The $20 flies out of his hand and
blows out the window.  While "Flight of the Bumblebee" plays in the
background, we follow the course of the money as it blows high over

In the parking lot of the arcade, Bart and Milhouse take turns punching
one another in the arm.  Both look bored, and Bart says he thinks it's
wearing a bit thin.  "You think so?" queries Milhouse.  Just then, the
$20 lands in the parking lot five feet in front of them, and Milhouse
points it out.  "Maybe a plane exploded," Bart suggests, but Milhouse is
ecstatic: "Our prayers have been answered!"

The two boys strut into the Kwik-E-Mart.  "Hello gents," Apu says, "what
will it be?"  Milhouse orders a Super Squishy -- "One that's made
entirely out of syrup," Bart adds.  Apu is aghast, as are all the other
customers in the store -- even Snake who holds a bag while he points a
gun at Sanjay.  "An all-syrup Super Squishy?  Oh, s-such a thing has
never been done," Apu explains.  Bart pushes the $20 towards him and
says, "Just make it happen."  Apu complies, with some trepidation.

He grabs a Super-sized cup and twists the knob on the Squishy machine
from "Recommended Dosage" past "Unhealthy Dosage" to "Experimental".
The machine begins to shake as it ejects goopy green liquid into the
cup.  A man runs out of the store in a panic, and Apu sweats, "She won't
hold!  She's breaking up!"  But the machine dings and stops shaking.
"If you survive, please come again!" he says cordially.

The boys cheer as they walk out.  Milhouse forces a straw into the
Squishy, commenting how thick it is.  He tries to drink some of it
through the straw, but he sucks the straw into his throat and his
glasses fly off.  Bart doesn't bother with the straw; he simply drinks
straight out of the cup.  "Whoa!  That's good squishy," he smiles, but
then his eyes start to go wonky and he groans.  His vision trebles, and
three Milhouses ask him, "What's it like, Bart?"  Bart can only stutter
incoherently, and Milhouse grabs the Squishy: "Gimme that!"  He takes a
slurp, then groans himself, and his face twitches.

    Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar.  What do we do?
Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style!
           [singing together]
          Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town:
          the schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
          The stray dogs go to the animal pound,
    Bart: Springfield, Springfield!
Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield!
  Sailor: New York, New York!
    Bart: New York is that-a-way, man!
  Sailor: Thanks, kid!
Together: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!
-- Painting the town green, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

The two young men have a hell of a time: first, they go to the
skateboard park, where a man in a suit shows Bart a skateboard for his
approval.  At the VIP video game room, Milhouse plays two games at once
while a garcon brings him a drink.  The boys go to see "Cats" next, and
Bart mischieviously starts a cat-fight by spitting some Squishy at one
of the actors.  Then, they buy lots of packs of "Toothless Joe"-brand
bubblegum-flavored chewing product and blow immense bubbles with it --
so immense that when the bubbles burst, they are covered with pink
stuff.  Homer happens by, and he sticks his finger in it and licks it
off.  "Mmm, free goo."

At the 24-hour rub-on tattoo parlor, Bart gets a cobweb and bat on his
right arm and a snake on his left arm, while Milhouse has a woman on his
right arm, a globe on his left arm, and a fiery skull on his torso.  As
they leave, Barney is seen to be walking behind them.

I don't know where you magic pixies came from...but I like your pixie
drink!  [drinks some squishy]
-- Barney to Milhouse and Bart, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Apu's laughing face appears while images whirl by: a "Models and Model
Decals" store, a triple-G rated movie theater, a "Sweet tooth" sign, a
"Come on in" sign, "Bootleg Records", "All Nite Arcade", and a "Booking"
and a "Batting" sign.  Then, the signs begin to blur as they spin around

The next morning, Bart wakes up on his bed, under a blanket.

Bart: [groans] Oh, my head.
Lisa: Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie.
Bart: Ohh...I don't remember anything.
Lisa: Really?  Not even...this?  [pulls back the covers]
       [Bart is dressed as in a uniform]
Bart: Aah!  Oh, no!  I must have joined the Junior Campers.
Lisa: The few, the proud, the geeky.  [laughs unsympathetically]
Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.
-- Bart considers a membership in Squishyholics Anonymous, "Boy Scoutz
    'N the Hood"

{Barney would agree with Bart's latter utterance: he wakes up on a boat,
his bed a bunch of sacks with baklava in them, his attire a blue-and-
white horizontally-striped sailor suit complete with blue hat and pom-
pom.  "Uh oh," he rues, "not again!"}

[End of Act One.  Time: 5:48]

At the breakfast table that morning, Bart reconciles his behavior.

 Bart: OK, look: I made a terrible mistake.  I wandered into a Junior
       Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done: I've made my
       bed, and ow I've got to weasel out of it.
Marge: I know you think the Junior Campers are square and "uncool", but
       they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-alongs and flag
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy.  Weaseling out of things is
       important to learn.  It's what separates us from the animals!...
       except the weasels.
-- The morning after the Squishy bender, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

At school, Bart thinks he has a solution to his problem.

    Bart: All I've got to do is take this uniform back after school.
Milhouse: You're lucky.  You only joined the Junior Campers; _I_ got a
          dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
 Skinner: [gasps] What is it with you kids and that word?  I'm going to
          shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a
          right: it's a privilege!
-- The curse of the toupee, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Nelson: What's in the bag, wuss?  [grabs it from Bart]
        Oh, look: [contemptuously] Campers' Pampers.  Heh.
         [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney appear, and the four bullies start
        to play "Keepaway!"]
  Bart: Yeah, whatever.  [walks away]
 Jimbo: [blocking his path] You better pretend you want your uniform
        back, twerp!
  Bart: [gulps]
         [The bullies begin to play Keepaway again]
  Bart: [half-hearted] Oh, no.  Woe is me.  My precious uniform.
-- Oozing sincerity, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

  Edna: Guess what, class?
Martin: Time for a surprise quiz?
  Edna: Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it's a good idea.
-- Thank you, Mr. Prince, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

  Edna: Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desk.
Warren: [whining] I'm supposed to -- I've got -- I'm supposed to --
  Edna: Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot.  All Junior Campers are excused to
        attend their patrol meeting.
  Bart: [hastily putting on the uniform] Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I-I'd love
        to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.
Nelson: Hey, look: sergeant Dork!  Ha-ha!
  Bart: [slyly] Enjoy your test.
Nelson: Ha-h -- [realizing] Aw!
-- Saved by the skin of his teeth, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart walks up to the meeting room door: "Junior Campers Meeting Room,"
it reads, "Not affiliated with the Boy Scouts of America."

  Bart: Hello, alternative to testing!
         [Opens the door, sees Ned Flanders] Ohh...
   Ned: Well, it's Bart Simpson...come on in!  You're just in time for
        "Sponge Bath the Old Folks" Day!
Jasper: Help yourself...but stay above the equator!
-- Frightening introductory activities, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart screams and tries to run out, but his necktie gets caught in the
door and it chokes the air out of him.  As he comes to, he hears Ned
explaining, "Now, just breathe into him every three seconds.  Make sure
you form a tight seal around his mouth!"  A plump child does as Ned
suggests, and Bart tries to protest, but the sound is blocked by the
other kid's mouth.  Bart pushes him off and coughs, and the kid turns to
Flanders uncertainly: "Should I keep doing it?"

 Ned: Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary
      pinecone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir!
Bart: I'm outta here, man.  [starts to leave]
 Ned: OK, now everybody take out your Junior Campers' pocket-knives.
Bart: Huh?  [excited] You guys get to play with knives?  [grabs one of
      the other kids' knives] Aw, cool: a spork!
 Kid: Don't hurt me!
-- Bart at a Junior Campers meeting, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

But Ned is quick with kind reproach: "Oops, sorry Bart.  That's a Neddy
no-no!  You're not allowed to handle a pocket-knife till you read this
booklet on knife safety and pass a test."  Bart feels sour grapes as he
looks at the booklet's title: "The 10 Do's and 500 Don'ts of Knife
Safety," and he scoffs, "Aw, who needs a cruddy knife anyway?"  A
rhetorical question, it would seem.

{On the way home, he walks past Moe's, muttering, "Knives are boring."
Just then, a man flies out the door, followed by Moe, who holds (guess
what?) a knife!}

 Moe: {When I say, "Put your beer on a coaster," I mean it!}
Hans: {You call that a knife?  This is a knife!  [pulls a huge blade
      from his cane]
       [It's too heavy for him to hold up]
       [weakly] Ooh, down I go.}
-- Crocodile Moleman, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Next, Bart comes across Martin.  "Oh, hi Bart!  I'd gladly share these
sweet cookies with you, if only you would help me remove this ribbon."
Jimbo happens by, and he volunteers his knife.  He cuts the ribbon, and
Martin thanks him, opening the box and suggesting everyone share the
goodness.  "Share this!"  Kearney exclaims, pushing Martin in a puddle
while Jimbo grabs the box.  The bullies run off with the cookies,

Bart happens upon a crowd of people surrounding a man who is clearly in
pain.  Dr. Hibbert kneels over the man and his diagnosis is that the
man's appendix is about to burst.  "Luckily, I have my trusty pocket-
knife," the doctor smiles, making an incision and removing the inflamed
organ.  The crowd gasps, and he implores, "Stand back!" as he tosses the
appendix away.  It explodes with a flash, and everyone cheers the
doctor's quick operation.  "Thank you, Dr. Hibbert," says the man.
"Don't thank me," the doctor laughs, "thank the knife!"

Bart notices a trend: "Seems like everywhere I go, people are enjoying
knives."  So he relents and opens the book Ned gave him.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does"...[sighs] They could have made this
-- Bart reads a knife safety book, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Things not to do, according to the book, are use your knife as a
toothbrush, use your knife in a slingshot, or threaten your cat while it
sleeps.  "Oh, they won't let you have any fun," Bart moans.  Homer walks
by and sees what Bart is doing.

Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol,
       boning up on his nerd lessons.
Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive.
Homer: You're right, Marge.  Good work, boy.  [ruffles his hair]
        [Marge leaves]
        [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Just tucking him in.
-- Homer, master of tolerance, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Here you go: your rubber training knife.  You've attained the rank of
"pussy willow"!
-- Ned to Bart the Junior Camper after Bart passes a knife safety test,
    "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

"Rubber knives?"  Bart is incredulous.  "This place is for wimps!"  He
starts to walk out again, but Ned says, "OK kids, now I'm gonna teach
you how to trap wild animals."  Bart pauses, his hand on the doorknob.
"This should only be used in life-or-death situations," cautions Ned.
Bart gets an idea.

Homer walks by the kitchen door and he notices a piece of cherry pie on
a plate on the floor.  He walks over to it..."Ooh!  Floor pie!"  As he
reaches for it, a noose of rope on the floor which he didn't notice
tightens around his ankle, and he is slung up from the ceiling, dangling
back and forth upside down.  Santa's Little Helper gobbles the pie up,
but all Homer can do is watch impotently.

Bart has now earned five badges: archery, debt collecting, embalming, TV
trivia, and his latest, patch forgery, which he sews onto his sash.

When Homer arrives home from work one day, he sees a pie on top of a
green blanket on the driveway.  He hops out of the car and onto the
blanket, but the blanket's purpose was to conceal a pit in the driveway.
Homer, the pie, and the blanket all fall into it.  "Bart!" he yells
angrily, {but he soon forgets his anger: "Mmm, apple."}

Lisa and Bart watch an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, "Aaahhh!
Wilderness!"  In it, Scratchy plays the guitar in front of a campfire
while Itchy roasts a marshmallow.  It begins to rain and the fire goes
out.  So Itchy grabs some tent pegs and hammers them through Scratch's
feet and hands.  He then puts a stick under Scratchy's stomach to hold
it up, and ties the cat's tongue onto one peg and hammers another
through his tail.  Itchy then lies down under Scratchy's body as though
it was a tent.  Although he is dry, the unfortunate Scratchy gets hit
repeatedly by lightning.

Lisa finds it amusing, but Bart points out an error: "The guys who wrote
this show don't know squat.  Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue
with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend."  Lisa is nonplussed: "Oh,
Bart, cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic."  Just as she finishes
saying this, Homer walks by the window -- despite the fact that
(another?)  Homer already sits on the couch.

 Ned: {Howdely-hey, Camper Bart.  Ready for today's meeting?}
Bart: {You knowdely-know it, Neddy.}
 Ned: {Okily dokily.}
-- Bart learns Nedspeak, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

     Ned: Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend.
    Bart: [thinking] Oh no, me bring Homer on a rafting trip?
           [In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and
          faces the wrong way in the raft]
   Homer: Duh, I'm the captain.  My son is Bart.  [splashes everyone
          with his oar]
Father 1: What an oaf!
Father 2: How embarrassing.
  Camper: Glad he's not _my_ father.
-- Nightmare rafting trips, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart shudders at the thought.  Another camper seems unhappy.

   Ned: Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret!  A
        special celebrity dad has been arranged for you.
Warren: But -- my older brother would like --
   Ned: [cheerfully] Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already
        been confirmed.
         [Ernest Borgnine walks in laughing]
Ernest: Hiya!  I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson
        in "From Here to Eternity".
         [The kids except for Bart and Warren cheer]
-- Or not, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart walks into the living room at home while Marge knits.

Homer: How was jerk practice, boy?  Did they teach you how to sing to
       trees?  And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?
        [His chair collapses] D'oh!  Stupid poetic justice.
 Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting
Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.
-- People unclear on the concept, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart goes up to his room to mull it over.

         Bart: [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask
               him and he'll say "No."  Then it'll be his fault.
        Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go,
               I'll just say, "Yes!"
Homer's brain: Wait!  Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
        Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
         Bart: [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come
               on this trip with me.
        Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on
               your trip with you.
 Bart & Homer: D'oh!
-- The rafting trip showdown, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Warren seems less than impressed about his assigned celebrity dad, and
Ernest tries to cheer him up.  "Aw, come on, kid: quit crying!  It'll be
fun, I promise!"  He laughs, but it tapers off sheepishly.

McAllister: Arr, here be a fine vessel -- the yarest river-going boat
            there be.
     Homer: I'll take it!
             [The raft sinks]
McAllister: [sadly] Arr, I don't know what I'm doing.
-- The truth comes out, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

  Ned: Okey dokey, every dad find a partner.  Two dads to a raft.
        [All dads except Homer shake hands and smile at one another]
Homer: Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders --
  Ned: Well, Homer, looks like we're boat-buddies, huh?  Want me to zinc
       your sniffer?
-- A fate worse than death, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

They all depart.  The river is a fast-moving one, and everyone has to
work at directing their rafts.

  Ned: Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not
       "slowpids", huh?
 Bart: [appreciative] Ha, ha!
Homer: You are not my son!
-- Bart gets disowned in the raft, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

A little further down the river, Flanders searches through his pack.

  Ned: Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought?
        [said map is on Homer's head as a sailor's hat.  It blows off]
Homer: Um, I dunno...but lucky for you _somebody_ here is responsible.
        [pulls out a "Krusty Burger Fun Map"]
       Hey, there's a _New_ Mexico.
-- Useful geography trivia, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

The raft rapidly approaches a fork in the river.  "Quick, Homer: which
way do we turn?"  But Homer is engrossed with the number of Krusty
Burger locations on the map.  Ned is forced to pick a path on his own.
He chooses the left one, but everyone else goes down the right side.
"Hey," wonders Ernest aloud, "where are the sissy and the bald guy

Homer, Bart, Ned, and Todd are swept over a few waterfalls, but
eventually they end up at the mouth of the sea.  "Paddle harder, Homer,
we gotta fight the current!"  Homer disagrees vehemently.  He grabs
everyone's paddle and says, "In a situation like this you just relax and
let the current take you back to land."  He lies back with his hands
behind his head.  But the land recedes from view rapidly until they are
in the middle of the ocean.  Homer stands up, looks worried for a
moment, then says quietly, "D'oh."

[End of Act Two.  Time: 15:12]

       [Homer dances on a beach with ice cream cones and lollipops]
Homer: [singing] Sugar, do-do-do do, do do,
       Oh, honey honey, do-do-do do, do do,
       You are my candy girl...
        [batteries in walkman run down]
       Lousy piece of junk!  [throws it into the water]
 Todd: Hey...I got that for my birthday!
Homer: Now I have to face stupid reality again.
-- Homer's escapism, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

   Homer: Flanders!  My socks feel dirty.  Give me some water to wash
Flanders: Again?  Homer, we have to ration the water carefully.  It's
          our only hope!
   Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you
          think we're floating on?  Don't you know the poem?  "Water,
          water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."
-- The Rime of the Modern Homer, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

He begins to slurp up the salt water, and the other three campers have
to restrain him.

   Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed!
           [a seagull flies into view]
Flanders: Wrong, we're saved!  Seagulls always stay near land.  They
          only go out to sea to die!
           [it squawks and spirals into the ocean]
   Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo!  See that, boy?  Your old man was right,
          not Flanders.  We _are_ doomed!  In your face, Flanders!
-- Extreme grudge-holding, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart is quick to point out, "Well, at least Ned is trying.  What are
_you_ doing to help?"  Homer gets bitter: "Since you're all such a big
bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing."
He grabs the ration box and begins to explain that the secret is to take
tiny bites.  At first he demonstrates by nibbling at some rations
tentatively, but then he crams them by double handfuls into his mouth.
Everyone has to restrain him forcibly, and Homer sobs, "Why couldn't I
be on one of the smart rafts?  I bet they're having the time of their
life."  He would lose his bet, however: the other rafts travel slowly
between dark, ominous forests which emit rustling noises.

{Chief Wiggum is talking on the phone down at the police station: "I
keep telling you, lady, your husband and son have to be missing for a
week before we can start searching.  I'd like to help sooner, I would.
But we're very, very busy down here."  As he gets off the phone, he
sighs with relief, and tells his checkers opponent, a dog, to king him.}
Marge hangs up the phone worriedly, and Patty does nothing to reassure
her by telling her that it _is_ cougar season and that cougars don't
mess around.

Back at sea, a plane hovers near the raft.

 Bart: A rescue plane!  Get the flare gun!
        [Flanders does so, but Homer grabs it]
Homer: This ain't one of your church picnic flare-gun firings, Flanders!
       This is the real thing!
        [He discharges the gun, and the flare hits the plane and
-- Homer, Church of Armaments member, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer reasons they're still OK because the minute they rescue the pilot,
they'll also see the raft.  But a plane swoops by, just catching the
pilot before flying away.

{Three dolphins swim up to the raft, and Flanders is relieved.  "Here's
our chance: dolphins always help humans lost at sea!"  The dolphins
chatter at the humans, and a caption appears on the screen: "You're all
going to die."  They swim away, and Ned calls out to them, "Come back!
Come back!"  They ignore him, and Ned becomes frantic.}

     Ned: {Oh, we're done for, we're done for, we're done diddely done
          for, we're done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done
          diddely doodily, done diddely doodily --}
   Homer: {[grabs him and slaps him] Flanders!  Snap out of it!
     Ned: {Thank you, Homer...I don't know what got -- [slap! slap!
    Bart: {[grabbing Homer's arm] Dad, I think he's OK --}
   Homer: {[slap! slap! slap slap!]  It's better [slap!] to be [slap!]
          safe [slap!] than [slap!] sorry!  [slap! slap! slap!]
           [apologizing] Sorry.}
Flanders: {Diddely -- [slap!]}
-- Violence solves everything, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

{Wiggum and Lou prepare a police boat for a search and rescue, but
Wiggum is reluctant to cast off before the mini-refrigerator is stocked
with beer and cold cuts.}

Homer pushes a cheese doodle onto a fishhook and Flanders points out
it's their last morsel.  Homer says, "You'll thank me when we're frying
up a big juicy fish."  He drops the hook into the water and holds the
reel of thread to which the hook is attached.  "Godspeed, little
doodle," sighs Neddy.  A fish bites right away, but Homer is too
complacent to do anything before the thread is all gone.  "He'll be
back," Homer thinks.  That night he calls lamely, "Here, fishy, fishy,
fishy.  We're waiting."

The next day the air is thick with fog.

 Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of
        this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it
  Bart: [gasps] A real Swiss Army knife!  Cool!
 Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
         [Scene switch to a ferocious bear]
Ernest: Don't worry, kids!  I'll take care of him with my trusty...
        [searches for his knife]...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm.
-- Who needed it more?, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days.  If
I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.
-- Bart to Homer as they near death, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer begins to warn Bart about the dangers of a knife on an inflated
raft, but he drops it.  All the blades are extended, but fortunately
none puncture the raft.  Just then the fog burns off and the sun comes
out.  Its rays are focused through the magnifying glass on the knife,
and it burns a hole through the rubber.  Homer watches dumbly, and Bart
says, "Dad, don't take this wrong, but your expression doesn't fill me
with confidence."

The foul stench of death is upon us!  [sniffs] Mmm, hamburgers.
-- Homer's famous nearly-last words, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart sniffs and says, "Hey, wait, I smell hamburgers too!"  Flanders and
Todd sniff the air and they smell the same thing.

   Homer: According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an offshore
          oil rig.
Flanders: That's what you're smelling, Homer!  Oh, if it weren't for
          this blasted fog, we'd be saved.
   Homer: Never mind the fog!  [sniffs] That way!  Steer, there isn't
          much time!
-- The nose knows, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Homer uses his super sense of smell to direct them.  On board the rig,
Krusty paces back and forth anxiously.

Krusty: Oh, I'm taking a bath on this.
   Man: We tried to tell you, these are _unmanned_ oil rigs.
Krusty: Aw, close the damn thing down.  No one's ever going to come.
 Homer: [runs in] Give me seven hundred Krusty burgers!
   Kid: You want fries with that?
-- Just in the nick of time, "Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood"

Bart tells Homer he's proud Homer's his father.  "Go away, eating!" says
Homer, stuffing his face.

Meanwhile, Ernest Borgnine and the other Junior Campers are settling in
around a fire.  "It sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old, abandoned
summer camp."  He suggests they all sing a song, and the boys agree.  He
grabs his guitar and they break into "Bingo the Dog."  From the trees
around the fire someone watches them.  As they sing the end of the
chorus, the figure darts out and grabs Ernest.  He screams.

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21:24]


   {tab} Thomas Baker
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {djk} Daniel Kraemer
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {mm}  Mike Montour
   {pam} Phil Mueller
   {tab} Thomas Baker
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)