[2F14] Homer vs. Patty and Selma

Homer vs. Patty and Selma                            Written by Brent Forrester
                                                      Directed by Mark Kirkland
Production code: 2F14                       Original airdate in N.A.: 26-Feb-95
                                                  Capsule revision E, 21-Jul-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will remember to take my medication.
              I will remember to take my med/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family appear on the couch as though they were beamed
              there a la Star Trek (original series).  Recycled from

Did you notice...

    ... Homer throws Marge out of the house accidentally?

Tony Hill:
    ... Homer lights a $1 bill?
    ... Homer dials seven digits to reach Las Vegas?
    ... Marge misuses "fiduciary"?
    ... First Bank of Springfield's logo is "BS"?
    ... Patty & Selma don't even knock when they come to dinner?
    ... Homer's "IOU 1 mortgage payment" has serifs on the "1"?
    ... you can be either a fairy or a queen?
    ... Homer says "sisters-in-law", instead of the typically more
        boobish "sister-in-laws"?
    ... Carl and Lenny get drunk on Zima?
    ... Bart drinks Tab?
    ... Homer contemplates working as a Salmon Gutter?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... the ballet teacher mentions that Batman wears tights, but
        overlooks the most obvious example of Superman?
    ... Hans Moleman in line at the DMV?
    ... tethered swimming fills up _before_ ballet?
    ... getting promoted at the DMV is considered "success"?

Werner Peeters:
    ... in the very last scene, Homer squeals away in his car; yet he
        hasn't got his driver's license back, so either it must be Marge
        who is squealing away, or else Homer commits a serious felony,
        namely driving without license!

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Barney, Homer, Willy)
    - Julie Kavner (Patty, Selma, Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Lewis, Ralph, Nelson, Kearney)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Moe, Carl, Broker, bank manager, Wiggum)
    - Harry Shearer (Lenny, man in Homer's dream, Skinner, TV announcer)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Mel Brooks (himself)
    - Susan Sarandon (the ballet teacher)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Richard, Jimbo, DMV superintendent)

Movie (and other) references

  + "Psycho" {wp}
    - Homer screaming and the music that sounds when he sees a picture
      of Patty and Selma
  + "Flashdance" {tb}
    - Bart drinks Tab, just like Jennifer Beals does in the movie
  + "Star Wars" trilogy
    - "Use the ballet!" instead of the Force
  + "Your Show of Shows"/"The 2000- Year-Old Man" {ddg}
    - Homer and Mel's routine
    - usually Carl Reiner (Alan Brady on "Dick Van Dyke") is the
  + Marlboro cigarettes
    - Homer's "I'm in flavor country" line

Previous episode references

- [MG03] "Leap like you've never leapt..." with Bart taking a spill
  immediately afterward {mk}
- [8F15] salmon gutter as a vocation is mentioned {ddg}
- [8F20] Selma gets an involuntary foot rub {th}
- [7F15], [9F11] Hans Moleman appears at the DMV {rl} {ddg}
- [9F19] "Time to take out the trash" {th}
- [1F08] Siegfried and Roy are mentioned {th}
- [2F05] Lisa joins the hockey team
- [2F06] the sinister conspiracy music is used

Freeze frame fun

- Sign: {mk}
  "Our Commissions
 Offset Your Losses."
- Gag paper headline: {mk}
- Banner: {mk}
  The "T" Is Silent
- DMV sign: {mk}
 All Forms
 Must Be
 Filled Out
- Homer's invention (visible for about two frames) was spherical with
  three projections not unlike a three-legged stool.  There were also
  some external wires.  {th}
- Sports selected by kids: {ddg}
    - Jimbo, Dolph, Kearny: football
    - Richard, Lewis: badminton
    - Milhouse: baseball
    - Nelson: Tae Kwon Do
    - Lisa: ice hockey
- Homer's vision of Marge: {ddg}
    - tiara
    - blue necklace with a diamond hanging from it
    - scepter
    - bouquet
    - purple stole trimmed in fur
- Some ads in the carnival newspaper: {ddg}
    - READ THIS!  Turn base elements into GOLD!
    - EARN, EARN, EARN!  AT HOME - BE A SALMON GUTTER (circled by Homer)
    - Instant Cash!
    - COOK NEEDED - Pete's Eats
    - BROOM PUSHER - Credentials necessary
- Eye chart at Springfield DMV: {ddg}
               F P
             L P E Z
            H N O S A
           R A H N A I
          L E D J A H L
         E E L W O R N A
       L I N P A X O K L M
- Homer's quiz answers: (wrong ones marked with x, unknown with ?)

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

All of Homer's bills are singed -- but they aren't all put in with the
singed part on the same side.  {ddg}

Moe admonishes Barney about the plastic wrap on the cigar, but Moe had
just sniffed his without first removing any wrapping.  {th}

Pumpkin FUTURES shouldn't crash on the day after Halloween, as they're a
bet on what pumpkins will be worth on a certain date.  Besides, what
about the pumpkins needed for all those Thanksgiving pies?  {ddg}

Selma cannot smell -- she would never have that stink she could do
without.  (cf. 8F20) {rl}

For someone as out-of-shape as Homer, he certainly can push around a
couch with Patty & Selma on it, much less lift up one end high enough to
knock them off.  {ddg}

When did Homer mortgage his house?  He paid cash for it originally (with
help from Grampa), didn't he?  {ddg}

Grampa won't lend Homer any money?  Wouldn't Abe still have some money
left over from the Revitalizing Tonic?  {mk}

What elementary school lets the kids choose a single sport to play for
an entire term?  Usually, each class has PE together.  {ddg}

Why is Ralph in tethered swimming while everyone else is selecting a
class?  {ddg}

There's a weird animation glitch on the chair, behind Homer's head, just
before he says "Mmm, slanty".

The IOU couldn't have been projected on the ceiling unless 1) the paper
was translucent; 2) the light was very bright; and 3) the room was very
dark.  {th}

The IOU lands on the lamp face-up, but to be projected right-way-round
as it was, it would have to have landed face-down.  {am}

When Bart removes his mask, Lisa is in the fifth row; in the next crowd
shot, she isn't there.  {ddg}

In 1F07, Nelson beats up Bart for no reason; why would Bart being hurt
in a trench stop him now?  {ddg}

The test course is a straight line.  {th}


Jonathan Wolff: My, my, my that Homer's broke/Bart ballets episode was
    horrible!  The only funny line was Ralph Wiggum in tethered swimming
    saying "This doesn't feel good!"  The rest of the episode was
    completely unbelievable.  Homer would never go to Patty and Selma
    for money.

Mike Piccuirro: I'm an avid Simpsons fan, a virtuoso if you will, and in
    my opinion this episode sucked.  Usually I laugh uncontrollably at
    the Simpsons but this episode got an occasional smile.  It is my
    theory that whoever contributes to the weirdness of the Simpsons was
    sick the day they wrote that episode.

Warren Hagey: This was an awesome episode!  Right from the couch scene
    to the end of the show there was plenty of laughs, and seeing Homer
    and Bart in very unusual circumstances was great.  I am still amazed
    every week how Homer continuously gets funnier.  A+.

Scott Fujimoto: This episode was pretty much in the character-driven,
    realistic genre of the second and third seasons.  Wacky jokes were
    kept at a minimum, and the humor for once was not overplayed or
    mistimed.  Marge says at the end, "This is the Homer you don't see!"
    Well, we want to see MORE of him, please!  Grade: a solid A.

Christine Tiplady: [responding to above] EXACTLY!  That's what I want to
    say to everyone in this group who wonders why I haven't liked any
    episode so far this season...what exactly is it I'm looking for?
    "See!  See, this is what I'm talking about, but YOU NEVER SEE!"

Tony Hill: Trouble on Evergreen Terrace.  The humor in this episode was
    the result of some random lines of dialogue.  The plots weren't all
    that funny.  It was even quite disjointed, the plots having nothing
    to do with each other.  The episode ekes out a C-.

Eric Briel: Who the hell are writing episodes like "Ballet" and "The
    Comet" and the one about Maggie?  The jokes are lame at best and the
    characters are "off-key".  Is this the same writing staff as in the
    past?  I'm concerned about the future of this great show...

Brian O'Sullivan: To quote (as best I can) Opus the Penguin: "This was
    bad.  Bad beyond all measure of badness.  Just bad.  (Pause.)  Well,
    it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't _good_."  Didn't like it.  Overall
    grade: D-.

Don Del Grande: C-plus - a little better than "Homer the Clown", but
    both of the stories (Homer's and Bart's) just trudged along without
    really going anywhere, and the ending was a bit rushed.  Maybe if
    they had put the Bart ending at the end of the show, it would have
    had more "bang".

Jon Drukman: People have been complaining about how The Simpsons has
    gone from having at least SOME grounding in reality into a totally
    surreal gag fest, and now when it reverts to the "classic" mode,
    they all hate it!  Grade A. 10 out of 10.  +1 point for Ratboy!

Matthew Kurth: The gags were pretty good, but the characterizations were
    rather poor.  Just a very, very flat episode.  Not even the
    outstanding "flavor country" bit could salvage it. 6/10

Scott Hollifield: I had a dumbfounded Krusty-like expression on my face
    after this episode was over.  I'm not advocating a homogenized
    goulash of writers where no one has a distinctive identity, but I
    would like to see the consistent level of intelligence and humor
    that was present the last two seasons.

Chris Courtois: Kinda lackluster.  Nothing really wrong with it aside
    from the lame Mel Brooks cameo, but only a few really good
    bellylaughs (Homer accidentally throwing Marge out of the house,
    "You, sir, are worse than Hitler", "Flavor country...").  I give a
    C-(or a "Homer", i.e. a B+ as a dog).

John J. Wood: I guess it's natural for a television series to start
    losing its course after over 5 seasons, for there wasn't a fresh,
    original idea to be found.  While Homer accidentally throwing out
    Marge was amusing, that was the only time I laughed throughout
    repeated viewings.  D+.

Yours truly: Maybe I was in the mood for something silly, but this
    episode had me howling!  Bart's "Joy of movement increasing..." was
    fabulous, his penchant for ballet right in line with Simpson male
    gender-bending.  Good main plot, superb ending ("It's a big
    country")...an A episode.

Comments and other observations

Siegfried and Roy

Tony Hill writes, "Siegfried and Roy are magicians at the Mirage Hotel
    in Las Vegas.  Their act involves white royal tigers."

Bart's Tab

Don Del Grande notes of Bart's soft drink, "`Tab' was the Coca-Cola
    Company's diet cola soft drink before `Diet Coke', as Fresca was
    their diet lemon-lime soft drink before `Diet Sprite'.  One taste of
    either and you will discover why they weren't called Diet Coke and
    Diet Sprite in the first place."

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]

At Moe's Tavern, Lenny, Carl, Barney, and a couple of other regulars all
puff on cigars being handed out by Homer.

   Moe: [sniffing a cigar] Ah, this place is going to smell classy all
Barney: To Homer, the Wall Street genius!
         [everyone claps as Homer bows]
         [Homer lights a cigar with a $1, then puts out the flame and
        puts it back in his wallet]
 Lenny: Hey, Homer!  How come you've got money to burn?  Or singe,
  Carl: Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment?
 Homer: Take a guess.
Barney: Uh, pumpkins?
 Homer: [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney.  This year, I invested in
        pumpkins.  They've been going up the whole month of October and
        I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January.
        Then, bang!  That's when I'll cash in.
Barney: To Homer, and to Sergeant Pepper, who's growing out of the
        middle of your back.
   Moe: Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke those.
-- Moe, carcinogen expert, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Everyone toasts Homer as the camera pans to a jack-o'-lantern.  Not long
after, the pumpkin is a rotted pile.

Broker: Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got
        to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en!  Before!
 Homer: All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling
        one of my livers.  I can get by with one.
-- Homer confuses internal organs, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

On the way home, Homer contemplates his predicament.

      Homer: Oh, how am I going to tell Marge we're broke?  I need a
              [sees smoke leaking from under the front door]
              [gasps] My house is on fire.  Woo hoo!  Insurance to the
              [walks in, sees Patty and Selma smoking]
Patty+Selma: Hello, Homer.
      Homer: Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after
             6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick.
              [wipes some furtively off his teeth]
      Marge: This is a special occasion.  Patty and Selma just got
             promoted at the DMV!
      Selma: Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for
      Homer: All right, that's the last straw: time to take out the
             trash!  But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
-- Homer's veiled threats, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

The sisters cling to the couch even more tightly.  Homer pushes it out
the door and dumps them onto the lawn, then pulls the couch back inside.
Marge is apologetic.

Marge: I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very
       complicated man.
        [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his
Homer: Wrong!
Selma: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Patty: Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have
       been planted, you throw away the envelope.
Marge: I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that.  He may not be a
       big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide
       for the family.
Homer: [overhearing] Oh, sweet, trusting Marge, I can't let you down.
       [holds up overdue mortgage notice] I'll get some money somehow.
        [dials phone 5774623] Hello, Vegas?  Give me 100 bucks on red...
       D'oh!  All right, I'll send you a check.
-- The Vegas Gamb-L-Phone, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer sits in bed with a pad of paper and a pen.

Homer: If only I could think of an invention...something that would
       really make money.  Must concentrate and work harder than I've
       ever worked -- [falls asleep]
        [in his dream, a conference table of executives applaud]
  Man: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson.  This invention of yours has made
       us all rich, especially you.  It's simply yet ingenious, and it
       fits right in the palm of your hand.  Every person in America now
       owns one of these, and in many cases, three or four.
Homer: [reaching for the man's palm] Uh, could I just get a look at
  Man: Ha ha!  Why would you need to see it?  You're the genius that
       invented the product in question.
Homer: But, uh, could I just --
  Man: Now don't worry, you'll get to see it just as soon as we unveil
       our new ad campaign.
        [a screen projects a hand closed around something]
        [everyone stands up and blocks Homer's view]
Homer: Lemme see, lemme see!  Out of the way!
-- Not even in his dreams, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

       [Marge appears in the dream, then awakens Homer]
Marge: Homer!  Homer, wake up!  There's still a few minutes till our
       usual bedtime.
Homer: Oh, my invention!  All our money problems could have been --
Marge: Money problems?  Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
        [Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen]
Homer: Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.
        [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently]
       And Lisa, my little princess.
        [Bart walks up]
       And who could forget dear Ratboy?
 Bart: Ratboy?  I resent that.  [gnaws on doorframe]
Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
-- Bart's teeth-dulling tactics, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

The next day, Bart and Milhouse walk to school.

    Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse?  The sun is out, birds are singing,
          bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my
          understanding --
Milhouse: It is a gorgeously fabulous day -- marvelous, even.
    Bart: So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school?  [slows down]
Milhouse: [coy] Nothing...what's _your_ hurry?  [slows down more]
           [Bart stops walking]
          That's enough, Bart.  Fun is fun, but if we're late we're
          going to get in trouble.
    Bart: You're right, Milhouse: fun _is_ fun.  [whistles]
-- Bart, nonchalant idler, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

At school, Principal Skinner, the principal, makes an announcement from
the Principal's Office.

Skinner: [over PA] Attention, students.  It's time once again to choose
         a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we
         can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner...even
         though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular
         sports fill up fast.
          [a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym]
  Willy: [getting trampled] Aah!  Too many wee ones.
Richard: This gets uglier every year!  Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
  Lewis: No...and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.
  Ralph: [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right.
-- I don't think he means Eliot, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

The school bell rings throughout the clear neighborhood air.

Milhouse: Do you hear that, Bart?  That was the tardy bell.  Truant!
          Truant!  Truant, they'll all say!  [runs off screaming]
    Bart: Aw, who needs him?  I can have fun all by myself.
           [makes a puppet with his hand]
    Bart: [high voice] S'all right?
  Puppet: [low voice] S'all right.
    Bart: S'all right?
  Puppet: S'all right.
    Bart: S'all right?
  Puppet: S'all right.
           [Bart laughs to himself]
-- New Bedlam, here he comes, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

At Moe's, Homer begs for a loan.

  Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need.  However,
       since you have no collateral, I'm going to have to break your
       legs in advance.
Homer: Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time.  Couldn't you just bash my
       head in?
  Moe: Hey, hey: are you a loan shark?  Do you understand how finance
       works?  [grabs a sledgehammer] Now let's do this thing.
-- Moe, the real Wall Street genius, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

In the gym, almost everyone has signed up for a sport.  Bart looks
around and sees how late he is.

    Bart: Oh, no, it's PE signup day!
    Lisa: How could you forget?  They had signs posted all over the
Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man.  Baseball just filled
          up -- oof!  [gets kicked]
  Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.
-- Thanks for the demo, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart runs first to the lap running booth, but it's full.  Same deal with
the pushup course.  Even "gender issues in sport" is full.  Skinner puts
a hand on Bart's shoulder.

Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the
         coolest one of all.
   Bart: Ballet?  Dancing is for girls.
Skinner: Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
-- Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badass Revenge, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer begs at the First Bank of Springfield.

  Homer: Er, I need another extension on my mortgage payments.
Manager: I understand that Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer,
         your credit history is not good.  It says here that you've been
         predeclined for every major credit card.  It also says that you
         once grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like
         a vacuum cleaner.
  Homer: That was in the third grade!
Manager: Yeah, well, it all goes on your permanent record.  I'm sorry,
         but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow, the bank
         is going to take your house.
  Homer: Well, good luck finding it, because I'm going to take the
         numbers off tonight!
Manager: Well, we'll look for the house with no numbers.
  Homer: Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house.
Manager: So, well then we'll look for the house _next_ to the house with
         no numbers.
  Homer: [thinks for a bit] All right, you'll get your money.
-- Homer loses the loan extension tete-a-tete, "Homer vs. Patty and

Homer resorts to his final option.

Homer: You're my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary,
       long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort
       to lend me money.
Selma: We'll take care of you.
Patty: Yes, care.
        [they laugh evilly]
        [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop]
Patty: Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!
-- Patty's patience limit, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:23]

Homer sits at the table with his family.

Homer: What a wonderful dinner.  What a beautiful family!  Someone get a
       picture of me with my arm around this steak.
 Lisa: You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad.
Homer: Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today, and to
       celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair.
        [does so] Mmm, slanty.
        [a grumbling is heard]
Marge: Patty!  Selma!  What are you doing here?
Patty: We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
Selma: Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do
       it!  [grabs them by the neck]
Marge: Homer!  Be careful of my sisters' heads: their necks are brittle.
Patty: That's OK, Marge: nothing's broke...except Homer.
Homer: [gasps]
Marge: What's that supposed to mean?
Patty: It means --
Homer: [stuffing their heads against his armpits] It means these two
       fabulous babes are staying for dinner.
Selma: [gasping] Now there's a stink I could have done without.
-- Homer's secret shame almost slips out, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Afterwards, Homer smiles falsely as Patty and Selma eye him from the
other couch.

Marge: This has been such a nice peaceful dinner.  It calls for a
       celebration.  I'm going to make the most international coffee in
       the house: Montreal Morn.  [leaves]
Homer: All right, you had your fun, now get lost.
Patty: Oh ho, our fun hasn't begin yet.
Homer: Huh?
        [Selma holds out mortgage IOU paper]
Selma: We know something you don't want Marge to know.  Now, we own you
       like Siegfried owns Roy.
Marge: I'm sorry, all we have is Nescafe.  I'm very, very sorry.
Patty: Oh Marge, Marge: you're just in time.  Homer's getting ready to
       give us a foot rub.
Marge: You are?
Homer: No!  I -- uh...I'm giving them a foot massage.  At least let me
       have that.
Patty: [holding leg out] You can start with the corns.
Selma: [holding leg out] Then you can move on to bunion country.
-- It's a big country, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Bart approaches the ballet room with trepidation.

   Bart: OK...steady, Bart.  Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of
         a man.
          [opens the door; all the little girls point and laugh]
Teacher: All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie
         Queens.  You can either be a faerie, or a queen.  It's wide
   Bart: [groans]
Teacher: Ah!  And what have we here?  A young man maybe who thinks he
         can be the next Baryshnikov?
   Bart: [surly] I don't want to be the next _anything_.  I'm only
         taking this stupid class because they made me.
Teacher: So, he has fire in the belly!  But it will take more than
         bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov.
   Bart: Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.
Teacher: Ha ha ha!  Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the
         determined, but for the sissies, never!  Now, put on this
         fuchiatard: you are a faerie.
-- In the most masculine sense of the word, that is, "Homer vs. Patty
    and Selma"

At the power plant, Lenny and Carl approach Homer.

Lenny: Quitting time!
 Carl: Let's go, Homer.  On the way home, we're stopping at Moe's for a
Homer: Er, maybe I'll just stay and work overtime.  My sisters-in-law
       are at my house again.
 Carl: Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity.  Pull yourself together and
       come get drunk with us.
-- On Zima?  Surely you jest, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Back in ballet class, an old record plays some cheesy piano music.

Teacher: Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson?
   Bart: I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
Teacher: But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example,
   Bart: Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well.  I'm
         out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit.
          [struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful]
         Wait!  Joy of movement increasing.  Love of dance impossible to
          [the other girls gasp with delight]
         Toes twinkling...look at me, girls!  I'm doing ballet...and I
         love it!
-- At least he's not wizzing with the door open, "Homer vs. Patty and

Patty and Selma have indeed parked their wide butts in front of Homer's

Patty: Hmm...am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
Homer: Request permission to slink by.
Patty: Permission pending.  First...light our cigarettes.
Homer: But you're already smoking cig --
        [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats]
       You're really pushing it.
Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.
Patty: Well, Marge was always a good speller...let's ask her.
Homer: No!  Don't tell Marge.  I'll be good, I'll be good!
        [lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU]
Patty: Tut tut tut!  Just for that, you have to crawl around on the
       floor like the dog you are.
Homer: [stammers] Yes, ma'am.  [gets on all fours]
        [the twins laugh]
Patty: Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" -- in a dog's voice.
Homer: I am Homer Simpson...
Patty: Good, good.  Jump, Homer, jump!
-- No end to the humiliation, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: [walking in] What's going on in here?
Homer: [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge!
Marge: What's that paper?
Homer: What paper?  [reaches for it]
        [it floats up and lands on top of the light]
Marge: [gasps] Homer!  Is this projection accurate?  Did you borrow
       money from my sisters?
Homer: I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my
       wheelings and dealings.
Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
Homer: [gasps] You told!
        [tosses Patty out]
        [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her]
       Sorry, Marge.
        [tosses Selma out]
       I never want to see you again!  You either.
Marge: Homer...Homer, why didn't you tell me?
Homer: [ashen] I was ashamed, Marge.  I've failed you as a husband and a
       provider...and at best, I was a B+ dog.  I'll understand if you
       want to sleep on the couch tonight.  [goes to bedroom]
-- The truth comes out, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 12:38]

Everyone but Homer eats breakfast.

 Lisa: How's Dad today?
Marge: Not too good, Lisa.  Frankly, he's underneath the table.
Homer: Nobody make me any breakfast.  A man so deeply in debt doesn't
       deserve it.
Marge: But I like to make you breakfast!
Homer: Oh, in that case I'll just have French toast with double butter
       and a side of bacon...but no powdered sugar, I don't deserve it.
       Well, maybe a little powdered sugar.
-- The powdered sugar scale of shame, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

In ballet class, Bart strains to a new piece.

   Bart: See that?  I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then
         I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat.
         Not that I'm into that kind of thing -- [drinks a Tab]
Teacher: Bravissimo, Bart!  Next week, class gives its first recital,
         and you, you will dance the male lead!
   Bart: Dance in front of the whole school?  What is it with you and
Teacher: I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet
         you fear the boys will laugh at you, no?
   Bart: No, I fear the girls will laugh at me.  I fear the boys will
         beat the living snot out of me.
-- As opposed to the dead snot, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Lisa walks up to Homer who sits on the couch.

     Lisa: Hey, Dad.  Whatcha doin'?
    Homer: Daddy has very important work to do.  He's looking through
           the want ads to find a part-time job.
     Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
    Homer: Oh.  No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's
           greatest sex machine.  Oh, I'll never pay off that debt!
            [on TV]
Announcer: Need money fast?  Got no experience?  Step up...to elegance!
           Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.
    Homer: That's it!  I'll make money with a chauffeur job.  Good thing
           you turned on that TV, Lisa.
     Lisa: I didn't turn it on, I thought _you_ turned it on.
    Homer: No.  Well, anyway, turn it off.
     Lisa: It _is_ off.
-- Enter "Twilight Zone" theme, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

It's the day of the ballet performance.

Skinner: You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over.  Most
         of them are here as part of detention.
   Bart: Pretty big crowd.
Skinner: Mm hmm.  We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools.
   Bart: [gulps apprehensively]
-- Detention punishments worse than death, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

As the music starts, a girl does performs solo on stage.  Bart soon
joins her from the wings, a mask concealing his features.

  Lisa: That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something.  I wonder
        who he is?
 Jimbo: He's graceful, yet masculine.  So it's OK for me to enjoy this.
Nelson: {[philosophically] This reminds me of the movie "Fame", and to a
        lesser extent, the TV series, which was also called "Fame".}
-- Bart wows his fellow students, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer, true to his word, drives a limo for Classy Joe.

 Homer: Oh, wow!  I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy
        legend Mel Brooks!  I _love_ that movie "Young Frankenstein"...
        scared the hell out of me.
Brooks: Um...thanks.
 Homer: Hey!  Let's do that 2000-pound man thing.  I'll be that Carl
        Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.
Brooks: [chuckles] Homer, it's not that easy.  It takes the genius of
        Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I --
 Homer: [as Reiner] Sir, today every country has a national anthem.  Did
        they have national anthems 2000 years ago?
Brooks: [Yiddish voice] Sure.  Sure, we had.  Of course, we was caves...
        but every cave had a national anthem.  I'll never forget that my
        cave's national anthem was --
 Homer: What was that...national anthem?
Brooks: [singing] Let 'em all go to hell/except Cave 76 --
-- It's happening again!, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

A police siren blares.

Brooks: [Yiddish voice] What's with the sir -- [normal voice] What's
        with the siren?
Wiggum: Evening, Simpson.  You got a short and your taillight started
        blinking when you made that turn.  Let's see your chauffer's
 Homer: Chauffeur's license, eh?  Mel, buckle your borscht belt!
         [floors it]
Wiggum: Um, since you're trying to make a getaway in "park", I'm
        guessing you _don't_ have a license.  Better head down to the
        DMV; these two broads will help you out.  [shows a photo]
 Homer: Aah!  Aah!  Aah!  Aah!
Brooks: Wow.  Er, officer, this man is making me a little edgy.  Could
        you please give me a ride to the airport?
Wiggum: Well hey, hey!  You're Mel Brooks.  Sure, I'll give you a ride.
Brooks: Thank you.
Wiggum: Er, on the way, we can do that, uh, 2000-dollar man thing.
Brooks: Mmm...
Wiggum: You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be police chief Wiggum.
Brooks: Listen, why don't _you_ play Carl Reiner, and let _me_ play
        police chief Wiggum?  I hate Carl Reiner!
-- Not as much as Carl Sagan, though, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

The ballet performance goes smashingly.

  Jimbo: {[weeping] I haven't been moved like this since "The Joy Luck
          [Bart does a final leap; everyone oohs]
   Bart: [thinking] They love me; I'm accepted.  I don't need this mask
         any more.  [out loud] Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart!
          [removes mask; everyone gasps]
         It is I who have won your acclaim.
  Jimbo: Bart does ballet!
Kearney: He dances like girls!
 Nelson: Ha ha!
   Bart: Go ahead and laugh.  But I took a chance and did something I
         wanted to do.  And if that makes me a sissy, well, then...I
         guess I'm a sissy.
  Jimbo: [pause] He's a sissy!  Let's rush him.
-- So much for openness, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Rush him, they do.  Bart barely manages to escape.  They chase him over
a field; Bart's forward progress is stopped at a chasm.  Nervously, he
sees his would-be tormentors approaching, and thinks back to his
teacher: "Bart, use the ballet!  Leap!  Leap, like you've never leapt
before!"  He does so -- only to fall into the middle of the chasm,
injuring himself badly.

 Jimbo: Looks like he took a pretty bad spill.
Nelson: [pokes him with a stick] Well, as long as he's hurt...
         [they walk away]
  Lisa: {Bart, I am so proud of you.  You've showed a sensitive side of
        yourself that can never be erased.  From this day forward, we
        are kindred spirits.  [kisses him, walks off]}
  Bart: {Why'd she just leave me here when I clearly need medical
-- Ah, the mysteries of life, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer, meanwhile, is in somewhat serious trouble.

Homer: Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and
       stupid Selma work!  Sometimes I think God is teasing me...just
       like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: Tested, Homer!  God tested Moses.  And try to be nice to my
       sisters.  It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them.  Then, I will hug some
       snakes...yes!  Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes.
       Now _that's_ sarcasm.
-- Homer masters a new art form, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Patty and Selma relish their position in the back seat of Homer's limo.

Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's
Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
Patty: Oh!  Did not adjust side mirror.  Minus one point.
Selma: Failed to check blind spot.  Minus two points.
Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
Patty: You _are_ a loser, Homer...and we're winners.  You gotta learn
Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted.  Minus one point.
Homer: Nagging the driver.  Minus ten points for you!
Patty: Grazed a cone.  Minus _five_ points!
Homer: Being a jerk.  Minus a million points!
-- Did not!  Did too!, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

The twins mark his written test.

Homer: D'oh!
Patty: One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little
       tests.  And what's this?
Selma: Ooh...someone didn't fill in a circle all the way!
Homer: Oh!
        [Patty stamps "FAIL" on it]
Patty: Oho.  Oh boy.  Oh, that felt good.
Selma: Let me try, let me try.  [grunts] Oh, yeah.  Oh boy.  Oh that was
       so sweet.
        [they light up cigarettes]
-- Vicarious pleasure, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Marge: [walking up] So, Homer, how'd you do?
Homer: [glum] Well, I...
Super: Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government
       building.  Because that is _precisely_ the kind of infraction
       that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion.
        [they gasp, and stammer]
Homer: [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy]
        [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this.
        [grabs both cigarettes, drags]
Super: Wait a minute!  Those are yours, sir?
Homer: [monotone] Yes.  [coughs] I am in flavor country.
Super: [skeptical] _Both_ of them?
Homer: [hacks] It's a big country.
Super: Ladies, I apologize.  And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.
        [she slaps him]
-- Homer's going to invade Poland next, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless.  You just saved our hides.
Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your
Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
Homer: I didn't do it for them...I did it for _you_, Marge.  I'd kill
       for you.  Please ask me to kill for you --
Marge: No, Homey.  You see?  You see, this is the stuff I've been
       telling you about that you never see!
Patty: Homer...we're...sorry.
Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up --
Homer: Call off the debt?
Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test --
Homer: Call off the debt?
Patty: Uh...well --
Homer: Debt's off!  Let's go, Marge.
        [squeals away in his car]
-- Exeunt Homer and Marge, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:56]


   {tb}  Tom Baker
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {am}  Andrew Mutchler
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)