[1F08] $pringfield

$pringfield                                       Written by Bill Oakley & Josh
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer
Production code: 1F08                       Original airdate in N.A.: 16-Dec-93
                                                  Capsule revision I, 21-Jul-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
              I will not say "Spr/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family runs in and smash into each other, breaking
              into pieces.  Santa's Little Helper comes in to
              investigate.  Recycled from 9F21.

Did you notice...

    ... the door behind Barney in the unemployment office says "Room 1"
        on it?
    ... Burns' dual shower-heads are shaped like fish?
    ... the germs on Smithers' face say, "Freemasons run the country"?
    ... Yoko Ono goes to both shows at the casino?
    ... Krusty sings "The Name Game" song using the name "Herpes"?
    ... Homer's breakfast consisted of a bottle of cloves, Tom Collins
        mix, and a frozen pie crust?
    ... it was spelled "FLOREDA" on Lisa's costume?

Dave Hall:
    ... the sound of gunfire as Abe and Jasper walk down the street?
    ... Quimby doesn't have his bodyguards with him?
    ... Rev. Lovejoy wears his robe to the town meeting?
    ... Smithers isn't with Burns at the town meeting?
    ... Chief Wiggum wears his badge on the correct side of his chest?
    ... Krusty is at the meeting?
    ... the spent shotgun shells littering the floor of the bedroom?
    ... Homer peeks into the women's washroom?

Ron Carter:
    ... two of the judges at "The Gong Show" are Paul Williams and J. P.

Don Del Grande:
    ... in Homer's "photographic memory", Marge's hair is green, except
        for the parts of the hair in rollers, which are blue?
    ... in Bart's casino, Jimbo uses a rake in place of a croupier's
    ... after Marge puts Maggie back on the floor, she starts to grunt
        every time she pulls the handle on the slot machine?

Timothy Callahan:
    ... the music at the tiger show is "Sabre Dance" from the ballet
        "Masquerade" by Khachaturian?

Tom Collins:
    ... in "Springfield On the Grow", it looks as though Widow Roosevelt
        makes a surprise appearance?
    ... a "Burns mermaid" is one of the designs on the slot machine

Tom Baker:
    ... for a while at the beginning of the episode, there is applause
        every time "Springfield" is said or displayed?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Abe, Homer, Scott Christian, Barney, Quimby,
      Irish workman, croupier, Krusty)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Brit waitress, Nelson, Ralph)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Amos, Brit designer, Hippy, Texan, Apu, casino kid,
      hillbilly, Raymond, man at craps table, man in Krusty audience,
      man at spinning wheel)
    - Harry Shearer (newsreel narrator, Jasper, bum, Burns, Smithers,
      Brockman, Skinner, Flanders, Lovejoy, McAllister, Otto, Gunter,
      Ernst, man who hands Homer the phone, slot machine man)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Gerry Cooney (himself)
    - Robert Goulet (himself)
    - Phil Hartman [??  -- ed]
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, slot machine woman)

Movie (and other) references

    "Vega$" {rk}
    - episode title
    "Dr. Strangelove (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the
    Bomb)" {ab}
    - episode title is actually "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop
      Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"
  + "The Great Train Robbery"
    - the train on TV coming towards the family and them being scared is
      like the first showings of this old movie
  + "Wizard of Oz"
    - Homer: "The sum of the square roots..." just like the Scarecrow
    "2001" {sam}
    - Burns lying on bed with Victorian furniture and lit-from-
      underneath bright white floor is the same as Dave Bowman the
  + TV's "The Gong Show"
    - Homer and Barney playing the harmonica in the large overalls
  + Howard Hughes
    - Burns looks the same
    - the germs phobia (Germ Away)
    - the Spruce Moose (Spruce Goose)
    - long fingernails and toenails, tissues, and bottles of urine
  + TV's "Dick Van Dyke Show"
    - Homer tripping over the ottoman
  + "Rain Man"
    - Tom Cruise/Dustin Hoffman lookalikes at the blackjack table where
      Homer works
  + Siegfried and Roy, illusionists
    - Sign in casino: "The Flamboyant Magic of Gunter and Ernst"
  + Bill Cosby's album "For Adults Only" {tab}
    - Krusty's show at midnight is similar to Bill Cosby's, which was
      recorded at a casino at midnight
  + "Gumby"
    - Lisa's costume makes her look like Gumby
  + Jerry Lewis, "The Delicate Delinquent"
    - Burns says of his Spruce Moose, "Model?" to Smithers, just like
      the nutcase inventor says of his rocket ship to Jerry Lewis,

Previous episode references

- [7G08] Bart sings "Jingle bells, Batman smells..." (cf. Robert Goulet
  in 1F08)
- [7F07] "Blood Bank" on casino premises for quick cash is like Bart
  getting $12 for his blood in 7F07 {tc}
- [7F17] Abe gambles {rl}
- [8F14] Barney calls Maggie "Bart" {ddg}
- [8F19] Homer's "lifelong dream" is mentioned {pam}
- [9F04] Abe raises hell after the government misses a payment {rl}
- [9F21] Yoko Ono appears
- [1F04] Skinner: "The only monster here..." (cf. 1F08, Homer: "The only
  monster here...")

Freeze frame fun

- News on Parade Corporation News: {rc}
    - Current Events
        - A-bomb test, which kills smiling soldier
    - New Gadgets
        - The television
    - Hollywood
        - Graumann's Chinese Theater
        - Amos from "Amos and Andy" radio show
    - Springfield: City on the Grow
        - Springfield Aqua-Car
        - "I'm pulling for Springfield"
- Outside the theater (past and present): {rc}
    - Featuring Ray Milland in "Tame the Mighty Hudson"
    - Vinegar Parlor
    - Heinrich's Monocle Shop ("o" in "shop" is a monocle)
        - changes into (present day) closed Cheap Guns shop
    - Adult theater (address is 511-513) showing
        - "Sperms of Endearment" ("Terms of Endearment")
        - "I'll Do Anyone" ("I'll Do Anything")
- Some people at the town hall: {dh}
    - Apu, Carl, Chief Wiggum, Krusty, Larry, Ned & Maude, Otto, Selma,
      Skinner, Mr. & Mrs. Van Houten, Rev. Lovejoy
- At the end of the gambling "vote" in the air are tossed hats
  (including a baseball cap), false teeth, purse, and hair brush.  {rc}
- Homer's "perfect" memory:
    - Marge: green hair (except for under the curlers, where it's blue),
      rainbow-colored pearls, a blue dress, pink shoes, and a rolling
      pin; stands on a red chair with no back
    - Apu: three heads
    - man wearing white with black polka-dots bikini
    - man with a penguin on his head
    - woman with jack-in-the-box head (on a spring)
    - alligator in burgundy suit
    - Homer: huge, muscular arms
- Mr. Burns' Casino stuff: {rc}
    - Naming of the casino
        - Brittania
        - Woodstock
        - Mr. Burns' Casino (logo is Burnsie as a mermaid)
    - Blood Bank on Premises
    - Gerry Cooney, Official Greeter of Mr. Burns' Casino
    - Today: The Flamboyant Magic of Gunter and Ernst
    - Krusty's Midnight Show, Adults Only
        - Picture of Krusty with XXX over his mouth
    - Tonight: Robert Goulet also Concrete and Asphalt Expo 1993
- Bart's Casino stuff: {rc}
    - Tonight: Milhouse, Next week: An evening with Jimbo
    - The odds board:
      Krabappel Nervous Breakdown   2-1
      Fat Kid Popular              50-1
      Bart Gets His Own TV Show  1000-1
    - The buffet:
        - Wonder Bread
        - Sprite
        - jar of pickles
    - Bob Goulet sings: "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg/
      The Batmobile lost a wheel, the Joker got away, Hey!"

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The cars along the street disappear in some scenes.  {dh}

The man who corrects Homer ("That's a _right_ triangle!") gets it wrong
as well.  (see "Comments" section)

Kent's earphone in the Social Security office changes from white to

In the painting of Jebediah Springfield in the town hall, he's pointing
with his left hand, but in the statue, he's pointing with his right
hand.  {ddg}

When Lisa stands up at the town hall meeting, at first Apu is sitting
behind her, the scene shifts, and when it comes back someone else (the
twins?) are sitting behind her.  {sr}

Quimby's suitcase disappears from certain scenes (at the meeting).  {dh}

Quimby bangs his fist to get the people's attention, yet he uses a
mallet later on.  (I wonder where he got the mallet?)  {dh}

Just before everyone tosses their hats in the air, the guy in the white
sweater to the left of the aisle turns his head completely around
without moving his shoulders.  {tab}

Jebediah's statue pointing finger switches hands.  {dh}

Homer deals a 9 that has three rows of three symbols and an 8 that has
its symbols in rows of 3, 2, 3 (as opposed to columns of 3, 2, 3 which
is correct).  {ddg}

The dice are always white, opaque, and quite small; casino dice are red,
transparent (or at least translucent - light gets through), and much
bigger than "ordinary" dice, to make it virtually impossible to load
them.  {ddg}

A plate of food replaces Homer's cards.  {dh}

When Maggie lands on the table, one of the dice has a "1" and "6" on
adjacent sides; when Skinner tosses his dice, there is a "3" and a "4"
on adjacent sides.  Dice are always made so the opposite sides add up to
7, not adjacent sides.  {ddg}

It doesn't seem that Marge is properly sitting on that stool.  {dh}

The first time Marge plays a slot machine, the right wheel stops first,
then the center, then the left, instead of left-to-right.  {ddg}

Marge isn't wearing a watch until she needed it.  {dh}

When Bart opens up his casino, he is talking on the phone.  In the
initial shot, he his wearing a tux, with a shirt which buttons down the
front.  However, in a close up, the shirt he's wearing looks like a t-
shirt (i.e., with no front seam.)  {as}

Whem Maggie's pacifier falls into the woman's cup of coins, it gets much
smaller.  {ddg}

When Maggie lands on the crap table, her arm is on "FIELD", and the dice
come up "2" - rather than Maggie being taken in, she should have paid
2-1.  (But what would Marge do with three babies?)  {ddg}

Burns' spray can disappears.  {dh}

How does Maggie get home?  When Homer is about to leave and Marge tells
him to go without her, Maggie isn't there.  {ddg}

When Robert Goulet hits Milhouse with his microphone, it appears as if
Milhouse's glasses go through his head (not actually into his head, but
from the front immediately to the back).  {ddg}


Adam Levin: Great episode on gambling!  I thought Flanders would have
    been against it.  Is Bart rich now, or what?  Burns as Howard
    Hughes.  And Cooney still has a glass chin, even as a cartoon!

Neil Berkman: I thought it was by far the worst Simpsons episode ever.
    Not a laugh in it.  I could pull a better cartoon out of my...Hey
    kids!!  Bill Oakley, if you're reading this, sorry, but that episode
    was the absolute bottom of the barrel.  Just when I was regaining
    some faith in the show after the dismal start of the season...

Ron Carter: Grade: B. I thought this one was pretty solid; a good build-
    up with some solid refs; the triple gag of the "Hurrays" during the
    gambling "vote" was great.  Burns transition to Howard Hughes was as
    bizarre (and funny this time around) as the real thing.

Carl Frank: Not one of my favorites.  [...] As references go, Kissinger,
    Goulet, Hughes, Cooney, the corrupt Senator, were all good (the
    laugh track when Homer tripped over the footstool was excellent).
    But overall, I would have to say that a fully complete plot was
    lacking.  Rating: C/C+.

Don Del Grande: This episode didn't seem to go anywhere, probably
    because it focused a little too much on Marge at the slot machine,
    where all she did was put the quarter in the slot and pull the
    handle.  [...] It did have its moments, [...] but it didn't
    particularly stand out, especially with another "Homer and Marge
    together" ending.

Elson Trinidad: Well, as a story and plot, it was rather fair.  But it
    had IMHO the best gags of any Simpsons episode of recent memory.
    Barney stole the show.

Neil Berkman: Like several other episodes this season, this was kind of
    a "pod people" Simpsons - it had the form of a Simpsons episode, but
    there was just something terribly wrong with it.  Some of the jokes
    might have been clever had I not seen them so many times before in
    other episodes.

Scott Mankey: I thought this was a great episode, I'll give it an A-.  I
    liked the opening with the young Abe and Jasper.  One bit I thought
    went on a little too long (ala the "Rake" scene) was Burns laughing
    after remembering running into the Irish guy with the bumper car.

Stephan Gharibian: I'm confused about the whole show.  It didn't get
    anywhere, and despite the huge potential of the idea of gambling
    coming to Springfield, the plot was weakly developed.

Harv Laser: I found this episode, except for the weak ending, hilarious,
    with the references coming so fast and furious I could hardly keep
    up with them.  I'd give it an A-.

Jeremy Greystoke: Overall, I thought this one was good.  Not as good as
    Last Temptation or Marge On The Lam (the interpolation of the
    Dragnet theme with the Simpsons theme was incredible) but a worthy
    effort: B/B+.

Andrew Bolgus: "$pringfield" was a howl, a real winner.  Burns turning
    into Howard Hughes was a scream, especially when he pulls the gun on
    Smithers.  Plus it had Robert Goulet as a guest star, so now The
    Simpsons has something in common with that other great comedy,

Joey Berner: I really laughed a lot at "$pringfield, or..." The pacing
    was about the best it's been this season, quick punchlines and
    cutting between scenes, really did make this one in my top three of
    the season.  [...] I give this one a B+.

Yours truly: Didn't work for me.  Kissinger, Cooney, and Goulet were
    excellent, but I didn't get the Howard Hughes thing, so I was going
    "Huh?..." Homer was being stupid again: ridiculous blackjack dealer,
    "Rain Man" joke, and mocking Marge at the end weren't funny for me.
    I give it a D+.

Comments and other observations

"Amos and Andy"

Ron Carter explains, "For those not familiar with early US radio
    history: Amos and Andy was a very popular comedy radio show
    (1929-54) which starred two white men (Freeman Gosden, Charles
    Correll) who affected black `dialects' etc."

Springfield Aqua-Car

Al Wesolowsky says, "These vehicles really existed.  The ones shown in
    the newsreel were pretty much like the ones I recall from the late
    50s/early 60s.  They could be driven on land and would operate like
    a boat in the water.  Lyndon B. Johnson had one on his ranch near
    Johnson City, Texas, and it was on display there as late as 1983."

James L. Brooks jokes

Aditya Sood says of the two porno movie titles "Sperms of Endearment"
    and "I'll Do Anyone", they are "both obviously parodies of the James
    L. Brooks' films `Terms of Endearment' and `I'll Do Anything.'
    (which is still unreleased.).  James L. Brooks, of course, is the
    producer of the Simpsons."

Juha Terho notices, "$pringfield, Marge in Chains and Marge Gets A Job
    were all written by Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein.  Two of those
    episodes parodied Terms of Endearment and all three had a secondary
    plot in the first act that had a little or nothing to do with the
    main story.  And hey, compare `Spruce Moose' with Marge Gets A Job's
    `Spruce Caboose'!
    So, I predict the next Oakley/Weinstein episode, Lisa vs. Malibu
    Stacy will parody Terms of Endearment and Spruce Goose in some way,
    and at least have a first act that doesn't connect well to the
    primary plot."

Pythagorean error

After putting on Dr. Kissinger's glasses, Homer says "The sum of the
    square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to
    the square root of the remaining side," to which the man in the
    bathroom stall goes, "That's a right triangle, you idiot!"

Marc Dreyfuss comments, "Not only is what Homer said not true for
    isosceles triangles, but also, it is in fact the SQUARES of two
    sides and the SQUARE of the remaining side.  And not just ANY side,
    but the sides that subtend the 90 degree angle.  I'm afraid the
    Simpson's might have really shown us the depth of math-illiteracy in
    this country -- even the person in the stall who screamed `idiot!'
    couldn't get the problem right."

Ron Carter says this is a reference to "The Wizard of Oz", in the scene
    where the Scarecrow is given a brain and says the same thing.  He
    says, "And the guy in the booth is right; it -is-a right angle -and-
    they -did-get it wrong in the movie; I never noticed."

"The Gong Show"

Ron Carter explains, "For those not familiar with US TV shows of the
    70s, `The Gong Show' was mostly a real life farce, in that it looked
    for the worst acts to perform, and then (usually) washed up
    celebrities would judge them.  They had a large `gong' on stage,
    which the judges would hit to disqualify an act.  The `Two Guys' act
    was a real act on the show, as was the robot that caught fire."

The drinking scene

Andrew Mutchler gives a complete list of the details of the scene of
    debauchery right after Homer says, "We've really done something for
    the children."  In the town square, roughly left to right:

    - A man warms his hands by a fire built in a garbage can
    - A really drunk man drinks from a bottle, dances and falls over
    - A man and a hooker dance on the rooftop of a place called "Tony's"
    - A man kisses a hooker
    - A man in a sailor suit kisses a hooker
    - A man sits on the shoulders of the Jebediah Springfield statue and
      drinks from a bottle
    - A man leans against the statue and drinks from a bottle
    - A man kisses a hooker
    - A man and a hooker dance on the roof of what looks like a
    - A man lights firecrackers
    - A man pushes another man drinking from a bottle in a shopping cart
    - Somebody is doing something beside one of the lions on the
      courthouse steps, but I couldn't make it out
    - A man kisses a hooker on the courthouse steps
    - Three people kneel on the ground, apparently shooting craps.

Tiger in-joke?

Jeremy Greystoke suspects, "Remember that David Mirkin is now the
    producer of The Simpsons.  He used to be involved with Chris
    Elliott's wonderfully demented Get A Life.  One of the classic
    episodes of that short-lived series revolved around a community
    theater production of that beloved Broadway musical classic: `Zoo
    Animals On Wheels'.  Yes, I think we can safely establish the
    existence of a trend.  :)"

Bart's martini experience

Timothy Callahan writes, "Bart comments on the quality of the casino's
    martinis.  I guess he'd know a good martini when he saw one, what
    with all the mixology he learned in Bart the Murderer.  [8F03]"

Possible references

Linden Mason asks, "Well, this is a reach: Did anyone else think that
    the whole `Boogey-man' scene looked suspiciously like `Night of the
    Living Dead'?"

And Andrew Krieg says, "Here's a stretch for a movie reference.  Krusty
    sings the Name Game `Herpes, Herpes, bo Berpes...' and Burns turns
    into Howard Hughes.  The movie `Melvin and Howard' features Howard
    Hughes getting picked up while hitch-hiking and forced to sing the
    Name Game in order to get a ride."

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]

An old newsreel film is shown.

The News On Parade Corporation presents "News On Parade Corporation
-- A newsreel's introduction, "$pringfield"

The narrator continues: "Bringing you the world of current events," as
an atomic bomb explodes in the background and a smiling soldier in the
foreground collapses, "new gadgets," showing a family watching a train
approach them on a small television; they raise their hands in fright
when the train reaches the camera, "and Hollywood. look: it's Amos from
radio's 'Amos and Andy'!" the narrator says, and Amos greets us: "Hello,

Springfield: City On the Grow.  It's a proud day as Springfield is
declared one of America's four hundred fastest-growing cities.
And why not?  Business is booming!  Half the country wears Springfield
galoshes.  And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory.  Keep
'em coming, boys!
The city's even in the celebrity business.  Everyone knows Professor
Rubbermouth hails from Springfield.
Everybody's chipping in; even this fellow [a dog with pulling a wagon
with a sign, "I'll pull for Springfield"] has Springfield's can-do
So watch out, Utica: Springfield is a City On the...Grow!
-- Shameless newsreel tourism plugs, "$pringfield"

The newsreel ends, and a young Abe and Jasper walk out of the theater.

   Abe: Hah!  The way people act around here, you'd think the streets
        were paved with gold.
Jasper: They are.
-- Logical conclusions, "$pringfield"

As if to prove Jasper's point, a car tries unsuccessfully to brake, but
the shiny street surface is too slippery.

1993 fades in and Abe and Jasper age forty years in a blink.  The
formerly tranquil background is polluted with gunfire and a siren.  The
two old men encounter a street bum.

Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Abe: Yes!  And you ain't gettin' it.  Everybody wants something for
      [Abe walks into the social security building] I'm old: gimme gimme
-- Everybody indeed, "$pringfield"

At the power plant, Homer is in the bathroom, humming.

Hey!  _There's_ something you don't see in a toilet every day.
-- Homer at the power plant, "$pringfield"

It's a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

Homer: Anyone lose their glasses?  [no one answers]
       Last chance!  [still no one answers]
        [Homer fishes the glasses out of the toilet.  He puts them on]
       The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles
       triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
  Man: That's a _right_ triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!
-- Reverting to Homercles the Greek, "$pringfield"

Mr. Burns says farewell to a distinguished guest.

   Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
   Henry: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
   Henry: Er, yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.  [sotto voce]
          No one must know I dropped them in the toilet; not I, the man
          who drafted the Paris Peace Accord.
-- Material for the National Enquirer, "$pringfield"

Burns and Smithers grunt awkwardly for a few seconds, eventually closing
the door on Dr. Kissinger.

Smithers: Sir, bad news from accounting: the economy's hit us pretty
   Burns: Heh, tough times, huh?  I've lived through twelve recessions,
          eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics.  I'll survive
Smithers: Even so, sir, we _could_ stand to lay off a few employees.
   Burns: [enthusiastic] Oh, very well!  [points at some monitors] Lay
          off him, him, him, him --
           [sees Homer wearing Kissinger's glasses]
          Hmm...better keep the egghead.  He just might come in handy.
-- An effective disguise, "$pringfield"

Lisa tries to dissuade Homer.

 Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.
Homer: [to Bart] Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean
       you can tell me what to do.
 Bart: I'm Bart.
 Lisa: [snatching them] Gimme those!
Scott: And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking
       into a wall.
-- Cause and effect, "$pringfield"

 Scott: And now over to Kent Brockman for some grim economic news.
  Kent: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at
        the unemployment office.  Joblessness is no longer just for
        philosophy majors.  _Useful_ people are starting to feel the
Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
  Kent: Hmph.  And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.
-- Have you considered Broadway?, "$pringfield"

The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort
Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.
 [Shot shows prostitutes holding signs]
Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame
squarely on you, the viewers!
-- Kent Brockman editorializes, "$pringfield"

A town meeting is held to decide how to handle the economic slump.

  Quimby: I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move
          to a more prosperous town and run for mayor.  And, er, once
          elected, I will send for the rest of you.
Audience: Boo!
    Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor --
  Quimby: The chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope
          in her eyes.
    Lisa: This piggy bank contains fifteen dollars I've saved from my
          allowance.  It isn't much, but I would like to help.
  Quimby: Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.
-- The Mayor distinguishes himself, "$pringfield"

I'll tell you what made this town great!  Good old-fashioned gumption.
there's nothing here a little elbow-grease won't fix.  So let's roll up
our sleeves and -- [falls asleep standing up]
-- Abe's pep rally, ruined by narcolepsy, "$pringfield"

Mayor Quimby doesn't agree.

 Quimby: People, people: let's be a little more realistic.
Skinner: Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up, but a number of cities
         have rejuvenated their economies with, er, legalized gambling.
          [Everyone talks excitedly]
         There _is_ an added bonus: some of the revenue can go to help
         our underfunded public schools.
          [Everyone stares stonily]
  Patty: {Well, I liked the part about the gambling.}
-- Principal Skinner: one for two, "$pringfield"

Just to make sure it's OK with God, Ned checks with Rev. Lovejoy.

     Ned: What do you think, reverend?
 Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no
          longer immoral.
Audience: Yay!
   Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this
          dismal town!
Audience: Yay!
  Barney: {[burps]}
Audience: {Yay!}
-- No one fickle here, "$pringfield"

Quimby bangs his gavel to restore order.

  Quimby: Well now, are there any objections?
           [Everyone grumbles, "Marge Simpson..."]
   Marge: Actually, I think it might really help our economy.
           [Everyone sounds surprised]
  Quimby: Very well, then: instead of fleeing this town, I'll sit back
          and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds.
Audience: Yay!
-- And everyone is happy!, "$pringfield"

The audience departs, cheering.

Marge: This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield.
Homer: And you know what the best part is?  We've really done something
       for the children.
-- Advantages of legalized gambling, "$pringfield"

[End of Act One.  Time: 5:27]

Mayor Quimby takes Mr. Burns for a stroll along the prospective site for
the new casino.

 Quimby: We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our
  Burns: Oh, I'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old
          [flashback to Mr. Burns driving a bumper car -- straight into
         the legs of a workman]
Workman: Why you -- oh!  Master Burns.  I mean, carry on!
          [Young Burns smashes him repeatedly] Ah!  Oh!  Ow!  Oh, me
         leg's gone gimpy.  Who will provide for me little ones?
-- Burns the sadist, "$pringfield"

Young Burns laughs evilly, and old Burns laughs as he remembers.  His
laughter continues in the shower later that day, in bed that night, in
church on Sunday, and at his desk on Monday as he pounds his desk in
merriment.  "What was I laughing at now?...Oh yes, that crippled
Irishman!"  He breaks into hysterical mirth again.

  Smithers: Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your
      Brit: Gentlemen, I give you Brittania!  Gambling with all the
            glitz and glamour of the British Isles.  Best of all, the
            waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits -- fresh from
            the streets of Sussex, they are.
     Woman: Freshen your drink, Guv'ner?
     Burns: Get out.
     Hippy: OK, all right, wait, now -- now dig this, man --
     Burns: Get out.
     Hippy: Ho ho, wow, oh, let me just get my head together.
     Burns: Now!
McAllister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men.  We'll sail
            'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes
            of which ye have never seen.
     Burns: We're building a casino!
McAllister: Arr...can you give me five minutes?
-- One bad design after another, "$pringfield"

Mr. Burns is unimpressed.  "Idiots.  I'll design it myself!  I know what
people like: it's got to have sex appeal and a catchy name."  He calls
it "Mr. Burns' Casino", and makes a giant mermaid statue of himself in
the center of a fountain.

Lisa talks to Marge at home.

 Lisa: Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know
       which state to go as.
Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of
 Lisa: No: Nevada makes my butt look big.
-- Texas would be worse, "$pringfield"

Marge: Then how about going as Florida?  You enjoy orange juice, old
       people like you --
 Lisa: Dad, what do _you_ think?
Homer: Shh!  I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
Marge: Why?
Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino.  As you know, it's been my lifelong
       dream to become a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show",
       and you did it in 1977, remember?
        [Flashback to Homer and Barney playing a giant harmonica,
       wearing a pair of two-man large overalls, getting gonged and
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on
-- Something to be proud of, "$pringfield"

At Burns' casino, Otto meets the official greeter.

Gerry: Hello.  I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.  Welcome to
       Mr. Burns' Casino!  If there's anything I can do to make your
       visit more enjoyable, please: just let me know.
 Otto: Er, great.  See ya!
Gerry: Uh, don't forget to apply for our V.I.P.  Platinum Club for
       special discounts on --
 Otto: Hey!  I said, bug off!
        [Otto punches him in the jaw, and he collapses]
-- That glass jaw again, "$pringfield"

Homer works at his job with vim and vigor.

   Homer: Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-five...Dealer
          busts!  Looks like you all win again.
   Texan: Yee-haw!  Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat.  I wore it
          the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.
   Homer: Why thanks, Senator!  Oh -- looks like my shift is over.
Everyone: Uh oh.  [they all leave]
-- Taking a break, gentlemen?, "$pringfield"

{Abe prepares to roll the dice at the craps table.}

Abe: {Come on, lucky seven!  Poppa needs a new pair of spats.  I want
     some of that sweet, sweet Do Re Mi.  Fat city, here I come!}
Apu: {Please throw the dice now, please, now.}
Abe: {Don't rush me!  I have arthritis.}
Man: {Would the gentleman please roll the dice?}
Abe: {All right, all right, smart guy.  Oh, for crying out loud, I
     dropped one.  Oh, now it's in my shoe.  Ow!  Ooh!  Ow!  Ooh!...}
-- No free drinks for _him_, "$pringfield"

Inside one of the showrooms, Gunter and Ernst demonstrate their talented
albino tiger riding a unicycle.  "A round of applause, please, for
Anastasia.  She loves show-business.  So much nicer than the savagery of
the jungle, ja?"  In a flashback, we see Anastasia sleeping peacefully
in Africa.  Behind her two men approach in a jeep.  "Hey, tiger!" one of
them calls out, "Wake up!"  He shoots a tranquilizer dart into her, and
she slumps over.  The memory angers her sufficiently to attack her
owners and tear them to shreds.

Bart plays a slot machine with a quarter he finds.

Bart: Woo-hoo!  Jackpot.
 Kid: Wait a minute: are you over 21?
Bart: Are you?
 Kid: I'm not authorized to answer that.
-- Crafty questioning, "$pringfield"

But Bart is tossed into the street nonetheless.

Bart: By the way, your martinis suck!
 Kid: Oh yeah?  What are you going to do?  Start your own casino in your
      treehouse and get all your little friends to come?  I'd like to
      see that.  Ah ha ha ha...
       [Kids pile into Bart's new casino in his treehouse]
Bart: Hi, yeah, welcome.  Have a lucky day.  Mm hmm.
 Kid: Well, he certainly showed me.
-- Retributive justice at its finest, "$pringfield"

[3F31 revealed a new cut scene.  Transcript courtesy of Frederic

Blofeld: 20.  Your move, Mr. Bond.
   Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer.  [Homer gives him a card] Joker!  You
         were supposed to take those out of the deck.
  Homer: Oh, sorry.  Here's another one.
   Bond: What's this card?  "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond.
          [Odd Job and Jaws grab Bond and drag him out]
   Bond: But...but it's Homer's fault!  I didn't lose.  I never lose!
         Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world
Blofeld: Ho ho ho, I'm not going to fall for _that_ one again.
          [as they all leave, Marge comes in, holding Maggie]
-- "$pringfield"

[End of cut scene.]

Marge greets Homer at the blackjack table.

Marge: Hi Homey.
Homer: Hey Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling, I
       bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino.
Marge: I was for the casino.
Homer: Strike three, Marge!  I remember that meeting and I have a
       photographic memory.
        [In Homer's memory, Marge wears a blue dress and has green hair.
       She holds a rolling pin.  Homer's arms are massive]
Marge: Legalized gambling is a bad idea.  You can build a casino over my
       dead body.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  Blah blah blah, blah blah
       blah blah blah.
  Man: For you: it's the President.  [tentacle hands Homer a phone]
Homer: Y'ello?
        [back to reality] And then I said to the President -- get this
       -- Marge?  Marge?
-- No captive audience, "$pringfield"

As Marge walks away from Homer, she notices a shiny 1992 quarter on the
red carpet.  "I wonder if they have a Lost and Found?" she asks, but she
notices the "25 cent" sign above a nearby slot machine.  "Oh, what the
hey," she reasons, and puts the coin in.

The wheels stop spinning, and a short snatch of victory music sounds.
Four quarters drop into the tray, and Marge seems impressed.  She walks
out the sliding doors of the casino, but looking at her watch, she
decides she has time for a couple more turns on the slot machine.

Bart's casino is doing well.  A lighted sign announces, "Tonight:
Milhouse.  Next week: an evening with Jimbo."  Inside, under the odds
board, children swarm around the buffet.  Jimbo uses a rake as a
croupier stick at the craps table.

Hey, how's it going?  Hey: good to see you.  Hey, friends: looking
lucky.  Hey, what's happenin'?  Love the jacket.
-- Bart the Emcee at his own casino, "$pringfield"

Milhouse's act involves Snowball II and "The Box of Mystery."  He says,
"The cat goes in --" but the poor animal seems reluctant to comply.
Milhouse tries to force her, but this only aggravates her more.  She
knocks his top hat off to reveal another similar-looking cat underneath
it, and the two cats wreak havoc with their claws on Milhouse's face
while the audience applauds.

{Back in Burns' Casino, Homer watches a Dustin Hoffman-lookalike with
amazement while a Tom Cruise-lookalike sits next to him.}

  Homer: {Twenty-one?  Do that card counting thing again.  Come on: do
         it again.}
Raymond: {Definitely have to leave the table.}
  Homer: {No!  Please, please, please, please, please?}
Raymond: {Gotta watch Wapner.  Leave the table.  Yeah, leave the table.}
  Homer: {No!  [grabs his arm]}
Raymond: {Aah!  [screams repeatedly, hits his head with his palm]}
  Homer: {Aah!  [screams repeatedly, hits his head with his palm]}
-- Autism is contagious, "$pringfield"

From the control room, Smithers and Burns watch the patrons gamble.
Burns' hair is longer and he has some stubble.

Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.
   Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm
          in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off.  Nothing can stop me
          now -- [paranoid] except microscopic germs.  But we won't let
          that happen, will we, Smithers?
Smithers: Uh, no sir.
-- Good thing they're not in Iraq, "$pringfield"

Marge stands in front of two slot machines, playing them simultaneously.
In boredom, Maggie spits her pacifier into the air and catches it in her
mouth repeatedly.  On one ejection, it lands in a cup full of coins
being held by a woman who walks by.  Maggie reaches for the woman, but
she's already walking away.  She crawls into a nest of feet looking for
the woman, and Marge doesn't notice her departure.

Maggie thinks she spots the woman with her pacifier, so she climbs up
onto the craps table to reach for it.

     Man: A baby on the table!  That's good luck!
Everyone: Yay!
           [The man throws the dice, and they come up double one]
Croupier: Snake-eyes.  Sorry.
Everyone: Boo!
-- Blast those 35:1 odds, "$pringfield"

Gunter and Ernst leave the circus room after their act is over.

Hillbilly: Gawrsh: it must be excitin' to live in the cuh-see-no.
   Gunter: Ja.
    Ernst: You know, we're having a party tonight...
            [Maggie pulls on Anastasia's whiskers playfully]
            [She roars and tries to bite Maggie, but Barney saves her]
   Barney: Marge, you gotta watch out.  Your little boy, Bart, could
           have been eaten by that pony!
-- Saved in the nick of time, "$pringfield"

Marge is effusively grateful: "I would never have forgiven myself," she
rues.  "Now you stay put, young lady," she says, giving her daughter a
new pacifier which she pulls from her hair.  Barney watches her go back
to pulling the handle on the slot machine.

        [Barney watches Marge gamble]
Barney: Man, that's classic compulsive behavior.
         [Sees a waitress holding a tray with three cups on it]
        Wow, free beer!
         [He chugs all three]
   Man: Buddy, those are my quarters!
         [Barney burps up some quarters]
 Woman: This guy's paying off!
-- How to win friends, "$pringfield"

{Krusty's latest gig is a "For Adults Only" show at midnight in the

Krusty: {I don't want to hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes?
        Herpes herpes, bo-berpes, banana, fana fo-ferpes -- her-pes.
        Hey: that spot on Gorbachev's head -- herpes, trust me!
        Anybody here have herpes?  Huh?  Huh?
         [No one answers]
        You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.}
   Man: {You're the worst comedian we've ever seen!}
Krusty: {Oh, great!  Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next
        ninety minutes.}
   Man: {Fine with us.}
Krusty: {[groans and sits]}
-- Comedic lead balloons, "$pringfield"

Burns has become more of a germ-freak in the meantime.

   Burns: [spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered
          with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers?
Smithers: Why, what do you mean, sir?
           [The germs on Smithers' face grow in size before Burns' eyes]
   Germs: Freemasons run the country!
   Burns: Ew!
-- Germ back-masking, "$pringfield"

Marge continues playing the quarter slots.

Homer: Marge!  You waited for me.
Marge: Er --
Homer: OK, Marge, let's go.
Marge: I'll catch up to you.
Homer: Marge, I'm taking the car.
Marge: I'll walk.
Homer: This late?  Through the bad neighborhood?
Marge: Yeah.
Homer: Marge --
Marge: Go home!  You're bad luck.
Homer: Wait!  I see what's happening here.  You're just mad because
       everyone in this town loves gambling except for you.  Well that's
       just sad.
-- Homer Perot, "$pringfield"

Homer walks off in disgust, but Marge doesn't notice.

[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:45]

The casino is almost deserted except for Marge.  Smithers walks up to
her with two security guards.

Smithers: Er --
   Marge: [annoyed] What?
Smithers: Excuse me, ma'am: don't you think you've gambled enough?
   Marge: No!
Smithers: OK.  We're required by law to ask every 75 hours.  Get her
          another free drink.
-- Just doin' my job, "$pringfield"

At the Simpson home, dishes are piled everywhere.  Snowball II jumps out
yowling from within their midst.

Lisa: Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating?  I mean, we
      haven't had a meal with Mom all week.  And she hasn't even started
      my costume for the geography pageant.
Bart: Pipe down, sister.  I gotta book a new act for tonight.  Turns out
      that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli.
-- Wouldn't want to book her, "$pringfield"

Homer wanders in and opens the refrigerator.

 Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa: cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie
       crust --
 Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her.  We could go down
       to the casino and let her know...
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to -- [takes a bite] --
       let's go see Mom.
-- Maybe there _was_ a reason, "$pringfield"

Marge compulsively gambles still.

Homer: Marge, we need to talk.  You're spending too much time at the
       casino and I think you may have a problem.
Marge: I won sixty dollars last night!
Homer: Woo-hoo!  Problem solved.
-- Elegant solutions, "$pringfield"

Burns continues to degenerate.

          [Mr. Burns hold a model airplane]
   Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane.  I call it the "Spruce
          Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New
          York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
   Burns: Model?
-- Burns' brain, slowly pickling, "$pringfield"

That night, Lisa calls out for Marge.

 Lisa: Mom!
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa!  What's up?
 Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure.  You just lie down and tell me all about it.
 Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after
       me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah!  Bogeyman!  You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
-- So much for parental guidance, "$pringfield"

Homer runs into Bart's room: "Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there
may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!"

Marge arrives home, squealing the tires as she stops in the driveway.
She gets to the front door and sees a hole has been torn through it, and
that chairs and other objects have been stacked against the knob.  When
she opens it, Homer peeks up from behind a bent-over mattress on the
floor, aiming the shotgun at her and quivering.  Bart, Lisa, and Maggie
look over at Marge, and everyone sighs with relief.

Marge: What happened here?
Homer: Oh, nothing, Marge.  Just a little incident involving the
        [He tosses the shotgun aside and it discharges]
       Of course, none of this would have happened if you had been here
       to keep me from acting stupid.
-- Aware of his own limitations, "$pringfield"

Marge: I'm sorry.  I _have_ been spending too much time at the casino.
       I'll be around more from now on.
 Lisa: Does this mean you'll help me with my costume?
Marge: Sure, honey.  I promise.
 Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
        [Marge hugs her]
Homer: Aw, just like on TV.
        [Homer trips on an ottoman.  A laugh-track is heard]
-- Meta-humor, "$pringfield"

At the airport, Bart holds up a sign reading "Robert Goulet".

Goulet: Hi.  You from the casino?
  Bart: I'm from _a_ casino.
Goulet: Good enough.  Let's go.
-- A Machiavellian ploy, "$pringfield"

But Mr. Goulet is supposed to perform at Burns' Casino, alongside the
Concrete and Asphalt Expo '93.  Smithers brings Mr. Burns the bad news.

Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
   Burns: Hmm.  Very well; begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.
-- Thank God for cryogenic Gomer, "$pringfield"

Bart rides his bike home with Goulet seated atop the handlebars.  When
they arrive home, Goulet sees Nelson spelling his name on a board.

Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino?  I think I should call my
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Goulet: _Vera_ said that?  Hmph.
        {[struggles to climb the ladder up to the treehouse]}
-- You ought to know her well, "$pringfield"

Goulet struggles to climb the ladder up to the treehouse.

Lisa runs in in a panic.

 Lisa: Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume and she's
       not, and the geography pageant is tonight!
Homer: Lisa, your mom still loves you.  It's just that she has a career
       now.  She's a slot-jockey.
 Lisa: But Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the
       state of Florida, I'll be the laughing-stock of the whole school!
Homer: [disgusted] Oh, it's always _something_, isn't it?  First I have
       to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give
       birth to you.  And now this.
-- From bad to worse, "$pringfield"

Homer tries to sew with a needle and thread, but he keeps poking
himself.  He tries to use the sewing machine, but he pokes himself even
more often.  He starts up his blow torch, but it's for something on the
car instead.  Lisa has to remind him to work on her costume again.

Finally the costume is done.

Homer: Hello, Florida!  [tapes an orange to her, but it falls off]
 Lisa: [gasps] I'm not a state, I'm a monster!  [sobs]
Homer: [wipes a tear away] No, Lisa.  The only monster here is the
       gambling monster that has enslaved your mother!  I call him
       Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-- A man of action, "$pringfield"

Homer runs into the casino and calls for his wife: "Marge!  Where are
you?  Damn this casino!"  He punches the cardboard cutout of Robert
Goulet, knocking it over.  He runs up to a crown-and-anchor-type wheel
and spins it in anger.  It comes up double stars: "Everybody wins!"
announces the man working the table.  Principal Skinner is preparing to
throw the dice at craps, but Homer forces the dice from his hand and
throws them himself.  "Seven, lucky seven!" announces the croupier.

Dave Shutton, the reporter, talks on the phone, and Homer grabs it from
him.  "He can't talk now!"  Homer states, hanging it up.  Dave looks
puzzled.  Burns watches Homer's progress across his monitors.

   Burns: Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in
          my casino.
Smithers: Fine, we'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir.
   Burns: Aw, my beloved plant.  How I miss her -- bah!  To hell with
          this.  Get my razors!  Draw a bath!  Get these kleenex boxes
          off my feet.
Smithers: Certainly, sir.  And, uh, the jars of urine?
   Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those.  Now, to the plant!  We'll take the
          Spruce Moose.  [picks up the model] Hop in!
Smithers: But, sir --
   Burns: [pointing a gun] I said, hop in.
-- Inexorable logic, "$pringfield"

Homer dashes hither and thither, finally seeing Marge parked at one of
the slot machines.

Homer: [grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!
Marge: Homer, what is it?  Slow down!
Homer: [slowly] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
Marge: What?
Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume.  You made her
       cry.  Then I cried.  Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little
-- Maggie the Brave, "$pringfield"

Marge is aghast.  "I didn't realize.  I'm so sorry."

Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.
Marge: You know, you're right, Homer.  Maybe I should get some
       professional help.
Homer: No, no, that's too expensive.  Just don't do it any more.
-- "$pringfield"

Robert Goulet performs at Bart's Casino.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost its wheel
The Joker got away, hey!
 [spoken] Thank you, thank you very much.
 [hits Milhouse in the face with the microphone]
Oh, I'm sorry, kid...
-- Robert Goulet performs for Bart and his friends, "$pringfield"

Principal Skinner hands out awards at the geography pageant

Skinner: And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no
         help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
  Ralph: I'm Idaho!
Skinner: Yes, of course you are.
-- Ralph and his "Idaho" sign, "$pringfield"

Marge and Homer walk out of the casino and then along the waterfront.

Homer: You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage I can finally
       look down my nose at you.  _You_ have a gambling problem!
Marge: That's true.  Will you forgive me?
Homer: Oh, sure.  Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches
       from Sears?
Marge: Hmm.
Homer: Well, that's nothing, because _you_ have a gambling problem!  And
       remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he
       was dressed like Santa Claus?
Marge: Hmm.
Homer: Well _you_ have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them
       like that.
Homer: Aw, what a gyp.
        [They kiss]
Homer: Remember when I --
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Oh, yeah; I forgot already.
-- Forgive, and...forget, "$pringfield"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21:22]

The music over the closing credits is akin to a Las Vegas show tune.
Over the "Gracie Films" logo, we hear a slot machine handle being pulled
and the rush of coins as the machine pays off.


   {tab} Tom Baker
   {ab}  Amitava Biswas
   {tc}  Tom Collins
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {rk}  Rick Kitchen
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {sam} Scott Mankey
   {pam} Phillip Mueller
   {sr}  Steve Ramirez
   {as}  Allan Sullivan
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)