[9F04] Treehouse of Horror III

==================================================================== 17-Dec-94
> 9F04 The Treehouse of Horror III
> Title sequence
First Homer gives a disclaimer -- see below.

A zoom over the Springfield Tireyard fire, through the forbidding Springfield
Cemetery, then towards the Simpsons' house.

Five skeletons (one with a familiar `Bride of Frankenstein' hairdo, and
another sucking a pacifier) race for the couch.

The starting credits appear on a different television set from the usual, in
a icky-green ghoulish font.

> Did You Notice
    ... the painting behind the couch has the yacht sinking?
    ... the Monkey's paw on the counter in the Evil Shop?  {bhc}
    ... Homer by himself on the couch, his moving forward to listen to Kent
        Brockman's newscast, then leaning back with the Killer Krusty Doll
        beside him, suggesting that the doll climbed the couch by itself. {dh}
    ... when the Krusty doll was threatening Homer, it asked him to pull the
        cord again to keep it going, and Homer DOES IT!! [What a Homer!] {hot}
    ... the Dewey decimal number for books in the occult section is 666?  {jd}
    ... in Barney's two cameos he *didn't* burp?  {jjw}

> Popular References
    + Alfred Hitchcock Presents...
    + A Clockwork Orange
    + The Twilight Zone: Living Doll
        - ``My name is Krusty, and I love you very much.'' and
          ``I'm Krusty the Klown and I don't like you.''  {jjw}
      Trilogy of Terror: Prey
        - Krusty clambering over the edge of the couch with a knife, his
          maniacal grin revealing triangular teeth.  {ct}
        - the bathtub scene with Homer.  {ct}
        - Homer's ill-fated attempt to get rid of the doll by locking it
          inside a suitcase.  {ct}
        - the Shrill-Violin-Knife-Attack-Music(tm) when the Krusty doll
          raised the knife.  {jw}
    + Love American Style
        - Krusty with the Malibu Stacey doll -- the framing heart shape,
          the cheesy music.  {tc}
    ~ Cape Fear
        - Krusty belted to the bottom of the car. (Robert DeNiro used this
          tactic to follow Nick Nolte's family in the remake.)  {pw,hot}
  ~~~ IT  (most overly stretched reference award)
        - ``Kiss me, fat boy!''  {dp}
    ? Ghostbusters
        - ``Marge!  The doll is trying to kill me, and the toaster's been
          laughin' at me!''  Rick Moranis?  {ns}
    + Escape (late 70s pop hit by Rupert Holmes)
        - In the personals section of the newspaper ("...pina coladas?
          Getting caught in the rain? Come with me and escape. Box 203"). {ap}
   ++ King Kong
        - Homer reaching into the building to grab Marge -- shot for shot.
      The Night of the Living Dead
        - Zombies emerging from the ground, roaming the streets, etc.
        - Barney eating human flesh?  {anon}
      Plan 9 From Outer Space
        - ``The Earthlings are totally incapable of handling the zombie
          attack...''  {rc}
      Where's Waldo?
      Sisyphus (ancient Greek mythology)
        - ``You still pushin' that rock?!''

>> Mosi Tatupu

A brief biography provided by (jpl10@duts.ccc.amdahl.com):
    Mosi Tatupu was an all-state fullback in high school and then went on to
    USC and was their premier running back in the late 70's.  Afterwards he
    joined the NFL and was in the league for about 10 years, last playing
    for the N.E Patriots.  He retired a couple of years ago.  Mosi Tatupu,
    he being a native of Samoa, I guess sounds like a tribal phrase if your
    not aware that it's actually someone's name.

> Freeze-Frame Fun
>> Gravestones during the introduction sequence

        Drexel's Class          (an extinct programme that used to follow
                                 The Simpsons on the FOX network in the US)
        I'm with Stupid ==>
        R. Buckminster Fuller   (with geodesic dome)
        Slapstick               (freshly dug plot, still empty)
        American Workmanship    (which promptly falls apart)

>> For Sale at the `House of Evil'

        Lament Box
        Book, titled `Bottom 12'
        Book, titled `Aroma'(?)
        Shrunken Head           (20% Rayon, 80% Shrunken Head)

>> Gravestones in the Pet Cemetery

        Hamster in a exercise wheel
        Doggie tomb with a bone-shaped headstone
        Lobster  ``Eaten by Mistake''
        Fish Police (unsuccessful animated Simpsons-imitators)
        Capitol Critters    (")
        Family Dog          (")

Two of the tombstones in the human cemetery read `J. Kogen' and `Wall..'
(Wallace Wolodarsky).  Apparently, their football careers ended
tragically.  {rjc}

>> The Springfield Shopper

    As the newspaper with the Dick Cavett news item spins into view, until
    the last rotation the article mentions Woody Allen's birthday on the
    29th of October.  This last-minute replacement was supposedly because
    of the extra baggage from Woody Allen jokes at the time, that would
    have distracted from the simple humour of the joke.

> Miscellaneous Stuff
>> Halloween Costumes

        Homer    as Julius Caesar
        Marge    as an ancient Egyptian, most likely Cleopatra
        Bart     as the malchik Alec from `A Clockwork Orange'
        Lisa     as the Statue of Liberty
        Milhouse as Radioactive Man
        Martin   as Calliope, muse of heroic poetry
        Nelson   as a pirate, with eye-patch
        Wendell  as an astronaut (with a sealed helmet, very unwise)
        Janey    as a princess
        Lewis    as Frankenstein's Monster
        Richard  as ?
        (and a few other kids who have yet to be given names)

>> The King Homer Diet

        Lenny, who used to be one of Homer's co-workers in sector 7G.
        Smithers, soon after getting his salary raise from Mr. Burns.
        Shirley Temple.
        Marge's father.

>> Bart's incantations
>>> Instant Zombies
        Collin - Rayburn - Nars - Trebek        (game show hosts)
        Zabars - Kresge - Caldor - Walmart      (convenience stores)
>>> SnailSpell
        Kolchak - Mannix - Banacek - Dano       (70s TV detectives)
>>> Zombie Buster
        Trojan - Ramses - Magnum - Sheik        (prophylactics)

> Animation Goofs
    ... the expedition advertisement gave no reply address.
    ... the `Dick Cavett Born' news item featured a photo of the adult Dick
        Cavett.  {jd}
        And while the newspaper was spinning, the paper said `Woody Allen
        Born', with an adult picture of Woody.  {gp}
    ... Snowball died `four years ago', but the gravestone [and Lisa's photo]
        lists 1990 as the time of her death.  {jd}
    ... Maggie's bow is misplaced when Bart prompts Grampa for a story,
        also after Homer wastes the Zombie Flanders.

> References to previous episodes
[7F04,8F02]  The ever popular Rigelians.
7F24       Bart's Michael Jackson album.
8F02       The Monkey's paw.
8F12       Lisa's Malibu Stacey doll.

> Reviews
Dora Kilburn {dk}:  Okay, so it wasn't as side-splitting as last year's.
    My favorite line had to be when Bart was (politically) correcting Lisa
    that zombies prefer the term 'Living Impaired'.

David Hyatt {dh2}:  Loved it, I laughed, I cried, etc.
    The first of the three stories was definitely the best.  The Homer/Ape
    story was a little less satisfying -- a lot of great weird stuff like
    just randomly eating people, but the Homer/Ape wasn't developed well
    enough.  Was he an ape who looked like Homer?  Or was he Homer, in the
    body of an ape?  Not enough "ape-like Homerisms" to really round out
    this big character.  Burns did an excellent job, though.

    Long live the maniacal laughing aliens!

Joe St. Lucas {jsl}:  After watching the first two segments of the show, my
    kids thought it should have been a Valentines' Day special -- too much
    love stuff.  I thought the zombie part was as funny as could be, but the
    kids said it sucked.  Their ages; 14 and 11.  Maybe we'll see it again
    next February, heh?

> Comments and other observations
Raymond Chen {rjc}:
    Didn't Lisa make a simply adorable snail?

Jym Dyer {jd}:
    DYN that Malibu Stacey's moved out of her shoe-box apartment into a
    lovely new home?  I wonder if she's still putting out that feminist
    newsletter on her little printing press.

Dave Hall {dh}:
    The 2nd story breaks new ground in prime-time television by actually
    showing a lead character (King Homer) *eat* several other characters!

James Willer {jw}:
    Has anyone else noticed that *every* song Homer has sung this season
    has been featured in an inane commercial?
        - Short Shorts (Nair) 9F01
        - Georgie Girl (Weight Watchers w/ Ms. Redgrave) 9F02
        - (Oscar Mayer) 9F04

Mike Hammond {mh}:
    I thought it was kinda ironic that Einstein must walk the earth in
    search of brains...
[but not for the same reason you citied; Albert's brain was removed for
examination on his death.  And how did three of history's most renowned
thinkers come to be buried in Springfield? -cjb]

> Scene Summaries
The disclaimer for this year's Halloween special is brought to us by Homer,
imitating the distinctive outline of Alfred Hitchcock.

Homer: Good Eeevening.  I've been asked to tell you that the following show
       is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.  You
       see, there are some *crybabies* out there, religious types mostly,
       who might be offended.  If you are one of them, I advise you to turn
       off your set now.

Homer dares us by flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken.
Someone from the television audience takes up Homer's dare. As we
all stare at a dot, Marge's footsteps enter from off-stage.

Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone ``chicken''?
Homer: Noooo.  I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples!
Homer: Ooooh... Fuzzy.

[End of Disclaimer.  Duration: 0'41"]

The Simpson family host a Halloween costume party for Bart and Lisa's
friends.  Homer descends the stairs, dressed in a toga.

Homer: Behold mighty Caesar! [sheet catches on a nail]  In all his glory!
       [kids laugh at the Emperor's new clothes]  D'oh!

Nelson (dressed as a pirate) watches Martin dance gayly towards him.

Martin: I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry!
Nelson: No kiddin'!  [kidney-punches Martin]

Bart ``Alec'' Simpson admits...

Bart:  [English accent] Stupid party, wish we were trick or treat'n.
Marge: Now Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house.

Marge sits in the middle of the front room with a flashlight.  Lisa turns
off the lights.  Marge begins with a scary story about a witch who died a
horrible death.  She passes food around to the children that represents
parts of the witch's body.

Bart:  Yo, Mom!  We haven't got the eyeballs yet.
Marge: [aims the flashlight at Homer, who is eating the ghoulish snacks]
       Homer, you're ruining it!
Homer: Yeah, well... It was an evil game.

Marge asks if anyone knows a ghost story.  Lisa steps forward, with a tale
about a boy and his doll.

Homer: That's not so scary.
Lisa:  A doll...  From *Hell*!
Homer: [cowardly] I'm gonna go to the store...
Lisa:  [laughs evilly]

[Time: 1'17"]


Bart thanks Grampa Simpson for giving him more money than you would believe
for his birthday.  Marge wonders where Abe got the money from.

Abe:   The Government.  I didn't earn it; I don't need it; but if they miss
       one payment, I'll raise HELL!

Bart:  Hey Homer, where's your present?
Homer: D'oh!  I mean...  D`oh-n't worry son, I forgot to get you a present.
       But I swear on my father's grave--
Abe:   Hey!

Homer rushes off to the nearest convenient `House of Evil' (your one-
stop Evil shop).  He asks the very old Asian owner who appears out of
the shadows if he sells toys.

Owner: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread.
       We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call ``Frogurt''!

Homer tells the owner that he is looking for a present for his son's
birthday.  The owner hands to him a talking Krusty doll.

Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Owner: That's bad.

Bart and his friends use the front door to play `Pin the Tail on the Donkey'.
During Milhouse's turn Homer bursts in, crushing the poor kid into the wall.

Homer hands his delicately wrapped birthday present over to Bart, who
immediately renders the packaging to shreds.  After testing the doll (``I'm
Krusty the Klown, and I love you very much.'')  Bart gives his father a hug
and thanks him for the best birthday he's ever had.  Abe has a different

Abe:   [shouting] That doll is *Evil*, I tells ya.  Evil!  Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Abe:   [whines] I just want attention.

Sitting on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn, Homer watches a Kent
Brockman newscast.

Kent:  ...and in environmental news, scientists have announced that
       Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.

As Homer leans back, we see the Krusty doll is now sitting next to him.
Homer plays with the toy.

Doll:  I'm Krusty the Klown and I don't like you.
Homer: Heh heh heh heh.
Doll:  I'm Krusty the Klown and I'm going to *kill* you!
Homer: Hee hee hee.  Didn't even pull the string that time.
Doll:  I said I was going to kill you! [points finger] YOU!  Homer Simpson!

Homer dismisses the doll over the side of the couch, but the doll reappears
brandishing a large butchers knife.  Homer screams as the doll flies
through the air on the attack. The rest of the family rush in from the
kitchen. Homer cowers at the opposite end of the couch from the doll.

Marge: Homer, what's wrong?
Homer: [pointing to the harmless doll]
       That doll tried to kill me!
Bart:  I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Homer's pleas go unheeded as his family leave him to be alone with the doll.
The doll approaches, laughing sinisterly until the pull-string ends. At the
doll's request, Homer pulls the string and the the doll continues its
sinister laugh.  Homer takes a bath.

Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R.  My baloney
       has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R...

The doll emerges out of the bath water, welding a miniature harpoon.
Homer screams and runs nude through the house, past Marge and her two
sisters in the kitchen.

Patty:  There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

In Lisa's bedroom, Krusty chats up her Malibu Stacey doll.

Krusty Doll: Hey baby!  Get comfortable.  Relaaax.  It's a little hot for
             that cheerleader outfit, don't you think?

Homer enters with a bag, rope, chains and a suitcase.  He grabs the doll,
drops it in a bag of dirty socks, then secures it in the suitcase.

Krusty Doll: You think your dirty socks can stop me?!
             Well, they *are* making me... dizzy.  Ooooohhh..

After locking the suitcase, Homer drops it down the Bottomless Pit (``Good
byeeeee Dolly.'')  A gangster bids arrivederci to a body bag and throws it
down the hole.  Another man walks up to the edge of the pit and drops in a
large box.

Man: I was a fool to think that anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi
     Goldberg. [pit rejects the photos]  What the--?

Homer returns home and parks his car in the garage, unaware of the tiny
passenger strapped to the car's underside. Two tiny hands cover Homer's
eyes as he enters the house.

Doll:  Guess who, Fat boy!!
Homer: [blinded, bumping around, with the doll strapped to his head]
       Marge!  Marge!  Look!
Marge: [from the kitchen] Oh, my God!
Homer: [staggering into the kitchen] The doll's trying to kill me and the
       toaster's been laughin' at me!

Homer and the Killer Doll roll about the floor and Homer has his face dunked
in the dog dish (``Eeeew! Dog water!'')  Marge calls the number on the
Krusty doll box (1-900-DON'T-SUE).

Marge: Your doll is trying to kill my husband!  [pause] Yes, I'll hold.

Marge lets the Krusty Co. repairman into the kitchen, to see Homer on the
floor, the doll yanking at his tongue.  Picking up the doll, the repairman
identifies the problem.

Repairman: [pointing to a Good/Evil switch on the back of the doll]
           Yup, here's your problem.  Someone set this thing to ``Evil''.

Problem solved.  The repairman places the doll on Homer's chest, leaving it
to confess its love for Homer.  Homer hugs the doll (``Come here, you.'')

And soon the doll becomes a slave to Homer's every desire.  Homer blankly
watches TV as Krusty places a tray of food on the coffee table.

Doll:  Here you go, buddy.
Homer: Did you walk the dog?
Doll:  Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.
Homer: Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
Doll:  [grumbles, sotto voce] Yeah, you stupid idiot.

At the end of the day, Krusty retires to be with Malibu Stacey in Lisa's
doll house.

Doll: Oooh, what a day.  Homer made me give him a sponge bath [shudders]
      But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile.

Stacey's head falls off when Krusty kisses her, but he immediately returns
it to her shoulders.  With an arm around his partner, the doll is content.
A heart shape frames the scene.

[End of Act One.  OzTiming: 6'14"]

Shining a flashlight in his face, Homer bores everybody with his own lame
attempt at story telling.

Homer: ...and his _wife_ comes through the door!
Bart:  [bored] So?
Homer: Did I mention that she was dead?
Lisa:  No.
Homer: Well, she was.  Aaaand she hit him in the head with a *golf-club*!
Bart:  And?
Homer: Don't you remember?  He went golfing all the time and it really
       bugged her.
Lisa:  You said he went bowling!

Abe:   Homer!  I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!

Bart:  Grandpa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
Abe:   [resentfully] That's a lie and you know it!  But I have seen a *lot*
       of movies...


It was a dark and foggy evening.  Mr. Burns and Smithers are standing on a
wharf as if they're expecting someone else.  Marge approaches.

Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier.  I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper
       she is holding]: ``Single white female wanted for mysterious
       expedition.  Must like monkeys.  Non-smoker preferred.''
Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude
       and uncouth sailors.

On the dock, two of the crude and uncouth sailors (``Aarrr!'') attempt to
stare each other down.  Mr. Burns turns to Smithers.

Burns:    What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Burns:    We *know* what you think!

Mr. Burns hires the young lady and lets out a sinister laugh.  All at sea,
Marge sunbathes while Karl, Lenny and Charlie admire the view from the
ship's smokestack.

Karl:    Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island.
Lenny:   Yeah, to capture a giant ape.
Karl:    I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island?  What do they got there?
Karl:    Apes.  But they're not so big.

Anchored off the shore of Ape Island, Captain Otto hears the natives
chanting ``HO-MER! HO-MER! HO-MER!''.  He asks Mr. Burns about it.

Otto:  Hey, who's this ``Homer'' dude?
Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted
       by the Ape Island Jaycees.  Either way, we're going ashore.
Marge: [walks into scene] Am I going too?
Burns: Of course.  We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that
       is, the bait-thing beauty.  The bathing beauty!
       [to himself] Heh heh.  I covered that up pretty well.

Standing before an awesome wooden gateway, the Island Chief notices Marge,
Burns, and Smithers hiding in the grass while the other natives continue

Chief: Mosi Tatupu!  Mosi Tatupu!
       (translation: The Blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.)
Marge: What's he saying?
Burns: He's saying ``We wouldn't *dream* of sacrificing the blue-haired woman.''

Her kind comments are interrupted when the natives grab her, clothe her in
their traditional sacrificial garments (i.e: skimpy clothing) and tie her
between two pillars on the wrong side of the gates.

Marge: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

A giant gong distracts King Homer as he battles with a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
allowing the reptile to get in the last bite (``D'ohhdohhdohhdohh'' echoes
throughout the island); he then goes to investigate.  Marge screams some
more when a giant face leers down at her from the treetops.  Nearby, Mr.
Burns explains to Smithers the importance of the moment.

Burns: Smithers, this is a golden opportunity!  If we can get him alive, we
       can put him on Broadway!  Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!

King Homer enjoys playing and smelling Marge's hair (much to her liking).
Mr. Burns instructs his armed men in how to bring down a giant Homer.

King Homer only feels a stinging sensation from the rifle bullets, and is
only mildly distracted when Lenny fires a ship cannon.  Placing Marge in a
tree, the ape places Lenny in his mouth.

Lenny: Hey Homer, cut it out!  Come on!  Quit eatin' me!

Karl fires his rifle, hitting Lenny in the arm.

Lenny: Ow! [sarcastically] Nice shot, Karl!

King Homer burps after swallowing Lenny.  Mr. Burns uncrates the sleeping-
gas grenades.

Burns: All right, you big ape...  Get a snootful of this gas bomb!

He feebly throws the bomb a foot and gets a snootful himself (``I was
strolling through the Gas one day...'')  Smithers succeeds with the
second attempt.

Burns: Nice work, Smithers!  When we get back, I'm giving you a raise!
       [King Homer swallows Smithers whole, pause]  Oh well...

Homer is chained and shackled, and brought to Broadway with the `Chubbiest
Kickline in Town'.  After dancing girls kick their way off stage, one of
the many reporters asks Mr. Burns a question.

Reporter: What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns?
Burns:    Well, the Ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.
          Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Duggan and Dirschwitz.
Reporter: Sen-sational!

Mr. Burns walks out before the audience.

Burns: Ladies and gentlemen!  In his native land he was a King!  But he
       comes before you in chains for your own amusement!  Presenting Homer!
       The Eighth Wonder of the World!

The curtains draw back, presenting a terrified Homer.  Barney (rudely)
points his finger at the King, amazed at the size of Homer's platform.
Reporters start taking photographs.  Marge senses the camera flashes are
unsettling the giant beast.

Marge:    I think you're making him angry...
Reporter: [derisively] C'mon, what's he gonna do?  Run amok in downtown

Famous last words -- Homer starts to break free of his bonds, pausing to
scratch himself, then squashes the screaming reporter.  The hysterical
crowd flee except for Barney, who courageously offers Homer a peanut.
He kicks the greedy ape for taking the whole bag.

King Homer crashes through the wall into an adjoining theatre, where Shirley
Temple is performing.  Homer is briefly charmed by Shirley's singing and tap
dancing before he swallows her whole (crunch crunch).

In a hotel suite, Mr. Burns is deeply shaken by the recent events.
He sits with Marge on a bed.

Burns: I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.

A giant angry eye peeks through a window, and Marge cheerfully waves back.
Reaching into the room and taking a screaming Marge in his hand, Homer
starts to climb the building.  Planes circle overhead.

Marge notices Homer is having difficulty climbing the building.

Marge: Y'know, you look a little flushed.  Maybe you should eat more
       vegetables and less people...

Exhausted, Homer places Marge on a ledge and falls a few feet to the
pavement.  A crowd gathers as Burns and Marge approach the body.

Marge: [feeling for Homer's breath with her hand] He's not dead!
Burns: No, but his career is.  I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the
       Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building.
Homer: [moans]
Marge: Don't worry, Homey.  I'll take care of you.

A newspaper spins into view; the headline reads: `WOMAN WEDS APE'.
At church, the family and friends of the bride and groom watch as Beauty
and the Beast exchange vows.  Afterwards, they have their picture taken.

Photographer: [to King Homer's relatives]
              Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second..

Mrs. Bouvier: [worried] Wait, Marge, I can't find your father!
Marge:  [sees a leg disappear into King Homer's mouth] Oh Homer...

[End of Act Two.  OzTiming: 12'52"]

Instead of candies, Marge brings out a bowl of fresh fruits (``..is Nature's
Candy'') for the kids.  An ungrateful child throws an ashtray at her.
Before she can recover, a man with his head resting on his chest and blood
spurting from the neck stump jumps through the front door.

Man:  Awwwwwwooo Ooooooogh!
kids: [all screaming] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Ned:  Hi kids!  Did I scaredly-dare you?
Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders.  But I've got a story so scary you'll wet
      your pants!
Abe:  Too late. [kids shift away]

== DIAL "Z" for ZOMBIES ==

Bart gives a book report in front of the class.

Bart:  From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of
       alphabetic adventure!
Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart:  Well, most of it.

Mrs. Krabappel orders him to find another book to review.  In the school
library, Bart is unimpressed with the latest `Where's Waldo' book (``Man,
he's not trying anymore!'')  He looks around and notices the Occult wing
of the library.

Bart: Gee, I never notice that before.

Bart enters holding a candle chosen from a human skull. A volume flies
out from the shelf, striking Bart on the head.

Book: [Title: ``The Time Life Book of Magic and Spells, Vol.II''
      Bart opens the book and four apparitions appear from the pages]
Bart: Cool!  [slams book shut]
Book: Oww!...OWWW!...oww!...OWWW!

In Lisa's room, Bart eagerly reads from the book of magic while Lisa grieves
over a photo of Snowball 1.

Bart: Chapter 8; Let's talk zombies.  If a zombie bites you, you'll become
      a zombie.  You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the
      living until the spell is broken.
Lisa: [annoyed] Bart, please.  Don't you remember that Snowball 1 died four
      years ago tonight?  Run over by the Mayor's beer-swilling brother,
Bart: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring her back from the
      dead?  [Lisa stares as Bart flips through the pages]
      Let's see what we got.  How to get your skeletons their whitest.
      Selling your soul in a buyers' market.  Ahh, here we are: How to raise
      the dead. [laughs insanely; lightning flashes add to the effect]

Late at night in the Pet Cemetery.  A Full Moon and stiff breeze provide
the right conditions.  Bart wears a black cape and a Michael Jackson album
cover as he recites the spell.  Lisa anxiously stares at SB1's grave-mark.

Bart: [raising a hand in air] Collin..Rayburn..Nars..Trebek! [lightning]
      [raising both hands] Zabars..Kresge..Caldor..Walmart!

As the last syllable leaves his mouth, lightning strikes all the tombstones
in the nearby Human Cemetery.  Zombies appear.

Lisa: [staring at SB1's grave-marker] It's not working. [sighs]
      [notices zombies] Bart!  You cast the wrong spell -- ZOMBIES!
Bart: Please Lis, they preferred to be called the `Living Impaired'.

On the grounds of Springfield Elementary, Groundskeeper Willy pats down
the dirt of a flowerbed with a shovel. (``There, pretty as a picture.'')
Two Zombies rise from the ground and walk away, ruining his flowerbed.
Willy repairs the damage. (``There, pretty as a picture.'')

On their bicycles, Bart and Lisa ride with the wind as Zombies give chase.
Zombies knock at Ned Flanders' front door.

Ned:     Well how'd strangers, what can I do you for?
Ned:     Well Sue Dolkes, you rascal. [chuckle] I thought you were dead.

Ned screams as the Zombies attack.  At home in the Den, Bart and Lisa
confess to Homer.

Lisa:  Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car?
Bart:  Nooo!
Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead?
Lisa:  Yesss!
Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay?
Kids:  Uh-huh.
Homer: [relieved] All right then.

Martin hears Principal Skinner's voice over the P.A.  Skinner sits in his
office with his back to us.

Zombie Skinner: Martin Prince, report to my office at once...
        [turns around, revealing ghastly features] and bring that big
        juicy chess club brain of yours... [licking his lips] Mmmmm!

Homer watches The Krusty the Klown Show as the rest of the family
(including Maggie) board up the windows.  Krusty stands before a large
gift-wrapped box that is the first prize in the Krusty Sweepstakes.

Krusty removes the ribbon and the Zombie Sideshow Mel pops out; dragging
the screaming klown into the box.  The studio broadcasts a `Technical
Difficulties -- Please Stand By' card, but Krusty is soon back on the air.

Zombie Krusty: To enter, send me your parents' brains.  Or write "Parents'
               brains" on a three by five card, and send it to...

Marge:  [interrupting] Homer, did you barricade the door?
Homer:  Why?  Oh, the Zombies..  No. [the back door collapses inward]
Family: [seeing the zombies] Aaaaaaaagggggggh!

Homer unselfishly offers himself to the Zombies to allow his family a chance
to escape, but the Zombies ignore him because they can't find a brain.
Homer finds the rest of the family huddled together in the master bedroom.

Bart:  I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle, how
       wrong I was.  I should have never read that book.
Lisa:  Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell?
Marge: It's our only hope!
Homer: [cocking a shotgun] To the book depository!

Homer cautiously leads his family to the car parked outside, but is stopped
by Ned Flanders.

Zombie Flanders: Hey Simpson!  I'm feeling a mite peckish.
    [sinisterly] Mind if I chew your EAR?

Homer wastes him.

Bart:  Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zombie!?

In the car to school, Homer listens to the radio for any news.

Radio: KZMB, All Zombie Radio.  Grrrrrrrrrr!

Meanwhile, a Flying Saucer hovers above the Earth.

Alien1: The zombies have the Earthlings on the run.
Alien2: Soon the human race will wither and fold.  Like the
        Earth plums we've seen on the Observe-a-scope.

Both Aliens laugh maniacally.  Below, the Simpsons charge their way past a
zombified Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph as the three give Zombie Skinner's head
the boot (``Owww! Careful! Not the face!'')  Homer leads as they bust
through the entrance and storm down the school's corridor.  Homer blows
away a zombie Mrs. Krabappel and a few others before finding Barney
chomping down on an arm.

Homer:  [shocked] Barney, not you too?!
Barney: I'm not a Zombie, but hey, when in Rome...

Barney notices a Zombie George Washington staggering about.  Homer blows
the dead President away, and the Zombie Albert Einstein, and Zombie
William Shakespeare.

Homer: Take that, Washington!
       Eat lead, Einstein!
       Show's over, Shakespeare!
Will:  [collapsing dramatically] Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

In the occult section of the library, Lisa watches anxiously as the Zombies
smash their way into the room. Bart searches frantically for the right book.

Bart: Kolchak..Mannix..Banacek..Dano!  [-poof- Lisa turns into a snail]
Lisa: What's wrong?
Bart: I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become.
Lisa: Ahh. [blushes]

Bart: Trojan..Ramses..Magnum..Sheiks!

Brilliant blue light bursts forth from the book, dispersing throughout
Springfield.  Fearing the enchanted light, the zombies return to their

Zombie1: See you in hell.
Zombie2: Still pushing that boulder?
Zombie1: Uh huh.

Two John Smiths argue over a grave.  In front of City Hall, Mayor Quimby
addresses the crowd.

Quimby: The, aw, Zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting
        in our streets.
Crowd:  [cheers]

At home, everything is back to normal.  The Simpsons watch TV.

Marge:  Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart:   [zombie-like] Shhhhh... T V.
Homer:  [zombie-like] MAN..FALL..DOWN.....FUNNY!
Family: [zombie-like] MMMMMM.

[The End.  OzTiming: 19'45"]
> Creepy Credits
>> Starting Credits
        Created by              Bat Groening
        Developed By            James Hell Brooks
                                Matt "Merchandising" Groening
                                Somewhat Shocking Sam Simon
>> Opening Credits
        Executive Producers     Awful Al Jean &
                                Mirthless Mike Reiss
        Supervising Producers   Jay Karnage Kogen &
                                Weaselly Wally Wolodarsky
        Supervising Producer    Ghastly George Meyer
        Producer                Vicious Jack [sic] Vitti
          "  "                  Scary John Swartzwelder
          "  "                  Jittery Jeff Martin
          "  "                  Creepy Conan O'Brien
          "  "                  Unfriendly Frank Mula
        Produced By             Really Unruly Richard Raynis
          "  "                  Demonic David Silverman
          "  "                  Rambling Richard Sakai
        Written By
        (Clown Without Pity)    Atrocious Al Jean &
                                Morbid Mike Reiss
        (King Homer)            Johnny Katastrophe Kogen &
                                Warped Wally Wolodarsky
        (Dial "Z" for Zombies)  Scarifying Sam Simon
                                Vicious Jack [sic] Vitti
        Directed By             Bloodcurdling Carlos Baeza

[These credits at the start of the show are becoming a distracting
nuisance! -cjb]

>> Executive Producers
        James Hell Brooks
        Mummified Matt Groening
        Sortirious Sam Simon

>> Starring
        Decaying Dan Castellaneta
        Julie Kadaver Kavner
        Nocturnal Nancy Cartwright
        Yeardley Psycho Smith
        Scare Ya' Hank Azaria
    and Fearsome Harry Shearer
>> Special Guest Voice
        Macabre Marcia Wallace
>> Also Starring
        Rabid Russi Taylor
>> Animation Executive Producer
        Phearless Phil Roman
>> Animation Producers
        Bilious Bill Schultz
        Malcontent Michael Wolf
>> Executive Consultant
        Bloody Bradley Bird
>> Story Editors
        Objectionable Bill Oakley &
        Weird Josh Weinstein
>> Story Editor
        Disagreeable Dan McGrath
>> Creative Consultant
        David Bloody Knuckles Stern
>> Associate Producers
        J. Melon-Crusher Mendel
        Butcher Joe Boucher
>> Theme By
        Red Wolf Elfman
>> Music By
        Sheer Terror Clausen
>> Casting By
        Bludgeoning Bonita Pietila
>> Editors
        Murderous Mark McJimsey
        Deadly Don Barrozo
>> Animation Production Manager
        Killer Ken Tsumura
>> Post Production Supervisors
        Colin "Kafka" Lewis
        Jeff "Bottomless Pit" Goldstein
>> Overseas Animation Directors
        Mike The Maggot Girard
        N.J. Karniverous Kim
>> Executive in Charge of Production for Gracie Films
        Still Miserly Mike Schoenbrun
>> Creative Consultant
        Matt "El Monstro" Groening
>> Creative Supervisor
        "Supervisin' Sam" Simon
>> Executive Creative Consultant
        James Hell Brooks

> Distribution notice and Acknowledgements
This compilation Copr. 1992-1994 Chris Baird; Scene Summaries Copr. 1992-1994
Dave Hall, Scott Simpson and Chris Baird.  Quotes from The Simpsons are the
property of 20th Century FOX Television, and other reproduced contributions
belong to their respective authors. To be freely distributed through Usenet
or any other associated networks on the provision it remains unaltered and
is not used to promote a commercial service.

Significant contributions from...

 {cjb} - Crypt Baird (c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au, cjb@hna.com.au)
       - J.D. Baldwin
  {mb} - Mike Berman (MSB101@psuvm.psu.edu)
  {hb} - Harvey Bornstein (harvey@lugnut.prime.com)
 {bhc} - Bart Calder (bhc@mayhem.east.sun.com)
       - Jim Campanella (jjc4@po.cwru.edu)
  {tc} - Terry Carroll (tjc50@juts.ccc.amdahl.com)
  {rc} - Ron Carter (rcarter@nyx.cs.du.edu)
 {rjc} - Raymond Chen (raymondc@microsoft.com)
 {jrd} - John R. Donald (jdonald@us.oracle.com)
  {jd} - Jym Dyer (jym@mica.berkeley.edu)
  {de} - Doug Easterly (hapa@cats.ucsc.edu)
       - Shane P. Faulkner (faulkner@eng.buffalo.edu)
       - James Gouldsbury (jmg20@duts.ccc.amdahl.com)
  {dh} - Decomposing Dave Hall (dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca)
       - Mike Hammond (mhammond@bnr.ca)
  {dk} - Dora Kilburn (kilburn@tomb.cs.wisc.edu)
       - (jpl10@duts.ccc.amdahl.com)
       - Rob Lopez (rlopez@loanstar.tamu.edu)
 {jsl} - Joe St. Lucas (stlucas@gdwest.gd.com)
  {mn} - Michael Neylon (mneylon@jupiter.cse.utoledo.edu)
  {gp} - Gary Parilis (parilis@gandalf.rutgers.edu)
  {ap} - Andy Peters (adpeters@sunflower.bio.indiana.edu)
  {dp} - David Pochron (pochron@picard.cs.wisc.edu)
       - Glen Santos (rsantos@milp.jsc.nasa.gov)
  {ns} - Norm Schaeffer (hwtx@cornella.cit.cornell.edu)
       - Scott "Shub-Niggurath" Simpson (simpson@bnr.ca)
  {ct} - Carl Tait (tait@cs.columbia.edu)
 {hot} - Henry O. Tirado (hot@cbnewsb.cb.att.com)
  {kw} - Karl Wagenfuehr (wagenfuh@huey.udel.edu)
  {pw} - Pete Wilkinson (dapete@cup.portal.com)
  {jw} - James Willer (jwlr@okeeffe.cc.rochester.edu)
 {jjw} - John J. Wood (jojw@uhura.cc.rochester.edu)


Conversion by Howard Jones (ha.jones@ic.ac.uk)