Colonel Homer

Colonel Homer                                          Written by Matt Groening
                                                      Directed by Mark Kirkland

TV Guide synopsis

Marge fears a cheatin' heart when Homer gets radio airplay for a
waitress-country singer (Beverly D'Angelo), who asks him to be her manager.
Voices: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria.

Title sequence

Blackboard :- `I will not conduct my own / fire drills'.
              `I will not conduct m' at cutoff.

Lisa's solo:- Traditional, but on a bari sax.

Driveway   :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past.
              Homer says `Wooh!' when the car closes in on him.

Couch      :- The cushions are missing.
              Recycled from [8[FG]07].

Didja notice...

        Special Guest Voice
            Beverly D'Angelo (Lurleen Lumpkin)

    ... Julie Kavner voiced the nurse?


Karl Wagenfuehr {kw}:  Wow!  This has to be one of the best in a long time.

David Hyatt {dh2}:  Bad episode.  Sure, you get rich character development,
but it just wasn't that funny.

Alan J Rosenthal {ajr}:  It had some good ones in it, but it was not one of
the best.

Ron Carter {rc}:  Funny 'cause it's true... Great episode, a new
Simpsons classic.

Yours Truly {rjc}:  Funny in places, but not satisfying, and too much singing.

Movie (and other) References

  + Hee Haw
        - Ya-Hoo!

Freeze Frame Fun

More FFF will appear once Ron Carter {rc} or Dave Hall {dh} post their report.

Springfield Googolplex Theatres

  - 22  I'll Fry Your Face III
  - 23  The Smell in Room 19
  - 24  Space Mutants VI [Bart and Lisa's choice]
  - 25  Honey, I Hit a School Bus
  - 26  Look Who's Oinking (Rated PG)  [Homer's first choice, sold out]
  - 27  The Stockholm Affair [Homer and Marge's selection]

BTW, a googol is 10^100; a googolplex is 10^googol, which is an
impossibly large (and essentially useless) number.

Homer's long drive

   Flaming Pete's steak house (burnt down)
   a skunk
   Fertilizer plant
   County Dump
   Surfur mine
   Open Sewers, Next 40 Miles

The Beer -N- Brawl signage

  - No Biting
  - Fudd On Tap ``Fudd me...''
  - Laramies High Tar
  - Fudd Dry
  - Dudes and Gals restrooms

Royal King Trailer Park (note obligatory rural redundancy)

    - [14] Days Without a Tornado
      Later, the [14] is a [2].

Animation and continuity goofs

Marge says that Maggie cut her first tooth, but in fact Maggie has had teeth
for quite some time.

Unaired clips

In the trailer for this episode, Bart and Lisa are in the recording studio.
Lisa remarks, ``I never thought I'd see another woman in Dad's life.''
Bart responds, ``What are you talking about?  There's Betty Crocker, Sarah
Lee, Aunt Jemimah...''

Comments and other observations


Previous episodes

    [8[FG]15] The man who held up the Kwik-E-Mart

Lurleen's songs

   Your Wife Doesn't Understand You, But I Do
   I'm Basting a Turkey With My Tears
   Don't Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It
   I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth
   Bagged Me a Homer
   Bunk With Me Tonight
   Stand By Your Manager

And, for the attentive, I buried a Remington Steele reference in the


Quotes and scene summary

 The family wander through the Googolplex Cinema parking lot, trying to find
 a parking space.  Every spot they find is stolen from them just before they
 reach it.  Homer finds a space labelled ``Compacts only''.  He reasons,
 ``Marge, that's just a suggested car size.''  Homer squeezes the car into
 the space (scratching the cars on either side in the process).  ``How am
 I doing on the right?''  Lisa responds, ``Well, we're getting a lot of
 sparks over here, Dad.''  Homer `succeeds' in parking the car.  ``Okay,
 everyone out the window.''

 Unable to find a movie to suit everyone, Marge suggests the kids see one
 movie while she and Homer watch something else.  Bart and Lisa dash off.
 Homer wants to see ``Look Who's Oinking'', but it's sold out, so he has
 to settle for ``The Stockholm Affair'', a highbrow political movie.

 Homer does every single annoying thing a person has ever done in a movie
 theater.  Meanwhile, Lisa covers her eyes while Bart thoroughly enjoys
 a gory scene from the latest Space Mutant movie.
   Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
   Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over.
   Bart: [pause]  It's over.
   Lisa: [uncovers her eyes]
         [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting]
   -- Watching `Space Mutant VI', ``Colonel Homer''
 Homer continues being incredibly annoying, including giving away the
 ending.  The other viewers throw their food at him, and Marge bawls
 him out.

 On the car ride home, Marge tries to apologize, but Homer is still mad.
 Bart uses a magic marker (drawing directly on Homer's head) to illustrate.

 Marge, Bart and Lisa stand by the car.  Homer is still behind the wheel.
 ``I'm going now, and I don't know when you'll see me again.''  He speeds
 off.  Then comes back, hands over Maggie, and speeds off again.  Lisa
 remarks, ``I guess that executive stress ball we gave him isn't working.''

 Homer drives along the highway.  Billboard:  ``Flaming Pete's [picture
 of a steak] 75 miles.''  Homer continues.  The next billboard reads the
 same, but this time only ``30 miles''.  Another billboard, reading
 ``Next exit.''  Homer reaches the next exit.  Flaming Pete's has burnt down.

 Homer continues his long drive, trying to hold his breath as he goes past
 various smelly things.  He reaches ``The Beer -n- Brawl'' tavern.
   Man 1:  Hey you, let's fight.
   Man 2:  Them's fightin' words!
   -- Say what you mean, ``Colonel Homer''
 Homer tries to order a Duff, but they only serve Fudd.
   Okay, Fudd me.
   -- Homer orders a beer, ``Colonel Homer''
 The musical performer is Yodelin' Zeke.

 The next act is Lurleen, their waitress.  Though the bar denizens react
 poorly to the fact that drink service will stop.  Lurleen sings a song
 she just wrote, which describes Homer's current state down to the last
 detail.  Well, almost.  The song concludes, ``Your wife don't understand
 you, but I do.''

 After her song, Homer approaches Lurleen.  ``Your song touched me in a way
 I've never felt before.  And which way to the can?''

 [End of Act One]
   Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger?
   Homer:   Homer J. Simpson.
   Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
   Homer:   That's a pretty name.
   Lurleen: Oh, you think so?
   Homer:   Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I forgot it.
   -- Persistence of memory, ``Colonel Homer''
 Homer arrives home the next morning, singing.  Homer's diction has taken
 distinctly country/western turn.  Homer sings at work, carelessly pulling
 levers back and forth.  Power cuts in and out all across town.
           [in the operating room, the power flickers]
   Nurse:  Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
   Doctor: Put it back!  Put it back!
   -- It was like that when I got here!  ``Colonel Homer''
 Lenny scoffs at Homer's singing to his bowling ball, until he learns
 that Homer's bowling a 280.  Lenny gives it a shot.

 Homer tries to order a Fudd at Moe's Tavern, but Moe says that he thought
 it was pulled off the market ``after all those hillbillies went blind.''
 Homer says he got some at another bar, and Moe is shocked that Homer
 went to another bar.

 Homer drives to Lurleen's mobile home in Spittle County.
   Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind.
   I haven't felt this way since Funky Town!
   -- Homer, ``Colonel Homer''
 Homer asks for a copy, but Lurleen says they're all in her head.
 So Homer insists they ``crack open [her] head and scoop out those
 songs.''  He takes her to Lucky's Records, where Lurleen records
 her song on a CD (for 25 cents).  The clerk (Wade) says his brother
 owns a radio station in Weevilville, and Homer grants permission to
 let them play the song.

 The song is played on KUDD 570 AM.  The effects of the song are profound.
   Moe:    [listening to a song on the radio]  For the next half hour,
           beer is on the house.
   Barney: [bursts out of the men's room]  What'd you say, Moe?
           [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty]
   Moe:    Nuthin'.
   -- Trees falling in the forest, ``Colonel Homer''
   Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel]  I thought I told you to stay away from
           my sister!!
           [a song comes on the radio]
           [softens]  Oh, here's 50 bucks.  Take her to the Copa.
   -- Calms the savage breast, ``Colonel Homer''
 The music even quells a riot at the prison.

 The family listen at home.
   I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
   -- Lisa, ``Colonel Homer''
   Country music sucks.  All it does is take precious air space away from
   shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
   -- Bart the Critic, ``Colonel Homer''
   Marge: Who is this woman?
   Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress,
          but she's going to be a country music superstar like...
          uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 Marge expresses her disapproval.
   Marge, you make it sound so seamy.
   All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on
   some outfits.
   -- Homer tries to reassure Marge, ``Colonel Homer''
 This fails to reassure her.  Homer answers the phone.  It's Lurleen.
 ``Uh, I think I can come over.  Lemme ask my wife.''  Marge yells
 ``Mmmmmmmm'' as loud as humanly possible.  Homer replies, ``It's a
 date.''  Homer visits Lurleen, who is immensely grateful.
   Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know...
            wantin' sum'in' in return.
   Homer:   Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now
            I feel kinda guilty about it.
   -- Ask and you shall receive, ``Colonel Homer''
   Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
   Homer:   Hey!  [thinks on it]  You <did> say sugar, right?
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
   Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager.
   Homer:   Really?!  Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
   Lurleen: That's okay.
   Homer:   I make a lot of stupid decisions.
   Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
   Homer:   I did bad in school.
   Lurleen: I didn't even go.
   Homer:   My personal hygeine has been described as...
   -- Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies?  ``Colonel Homer''
 Lurleen takes Homer to the Coruplent Cowboy, a clothing store.
   Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis.
   Sweat actually cleans this suit!
   -- Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, ``Colonel Homer''
 Slightly past midnight, Marge sleeps alone in bed.  Homer finally arrives
 home, clad in traditional gaudy Western attire.  Marge is furious and
 asks him if he's having an affair.  Homer denies it, but admits under
 interrogation that Lurleen did kiss him a couple of times.  Marge forbids
 Homer to become her manager.
   Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of
          managing a beautiful country singer!
   Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie!
          And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 Marge holds up a picture to illustrate.  Homer says that, whether she
 likes it or not, he's going to make Lurleen a star.  Marge snaps back,
 ``Fine.  See if I care.''  Homer leaves.

 [End of Act Two]

 Homer hands over a huge wad of cash to the man at the recording studio.
   Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!?
   Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings.  I'm not going into hock
          for this.
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 Lurleen kisses ``Colonel Homer'' greeting, but her reception from Marge is
 decidedly less pleasant.
   Marge: Hm...  I thought you said she was overweight.
   Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.
   -- Tangoing optional, ``Colonel Homer''
 The recording session is under way, as Bart and Maggie entertain themselves
 with the equipment.  Lisa plays her sax as Lurleen sings about a baseball
 metaphor for love titled ``Bagged Me a Homer''.  But the recording has to
 stop because they're getting a grinding noise on the track.  Marge
 gnashes her teeth loudly.

 Lurleen becomes a hit, and the kids help with the production.  Bart slips
 the records into the sleeve, Lisa stamps the jacket, and a heavily
 lipsticked Maggie kisses it.  (Leaving lip-prints on the album cover.)
   Homer:   Guess what, Lurleen.  I got you a gig on TV!
   Lurleen: [squeals with delight]  Oh, Homer!  You're as smart as you
            are handsome!
   Homer:   [angry] Hey!  [softens]  Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 The TV show wants her to sing two sings, and Homer suggests she sing a new
 song.  She privately sings for him a song she just wrote ``that could really
 heat things up''.  It's titled, ``Bunk with Me Tonight.''  Homer misses
 the not-so-subtle intent.  Lurleen sings it again, a bit more pointedly,
 and it finally sinks in.  Homer makes his escape.

 Marge is on the phone with her sister.
   Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman.  If she fails, we're broke.
          If she succeeds, I have no husband.  I don't know what to root for.
   Patty: You don't?
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 Preparing for Lurleen's television debut, Homer struggles with his
 string-tie.  Marge notes that while Homer and Lurleen were out judging
 a greased pig contest, Maggie cut her first tooth.  But Homer isn't
 listening.  She calls in the kids, who are adorably dressed in their
 Sunday best.  ``You've got a wonderful family, Homer.  Please don't
 forget it when you walk out that door tonight.''  Homer leaves.
   Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
   -- Bart on Homer, ``Colonel Homer''
 The television show in question is ``Ya-Hoo!'', a spoof of ``Hee-Haw''.
 While Lurleen sings ``Bagged Me a Homer'', Homer is approached by a
 well-dressed gentleman.
   I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation.
   -- ``Colonel Homer''
 Homer refuses to sell Lurleen's contract.

 In Lurleen's dressing room, Homer asks if there's anything she needs.
 Lurleen bolts the door shut and kisses him.  Homer stops.  ``My whole
 romantic life is flashing before my eyes!''  And it does.  It involves
 lots of slapping.  Then came Marge.  Homer tells Lurleen that his goal
 was to share her voice with other people, and he's done it.  ``I'd better
 get out of here before I lose my family.''  He leaves, then pokes his
 head back in the door.  ``Just so I don't wonder.  You would've gone all
 the way with me, wouldn't you?''  She nods.

 Homer approaches the agent.
   Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen,
   and I'll take any offer.
   -- Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, ``Colonel Homer''
 He sells the contract for $50.

 At Homer, Marge sits in bed (naked) watching the incredibly feeble
 ``Ya-Hoo!'' program.  Homer arrives home.  ``Is there any room in the
 bed for a gad-durned fool?''  ``Always has been.''  While Lurleen sings
 ``Stand By Your Manager'', Homer undresses (but keeps the hat) and gets
 into bed.  Her song concludes, ``I hope that Marge knows just how lucky
 she is.''  Marge says, ``I do'', and the two kiss.  Homer tosses his hat
 onto the camera.

 [End of Act Three]
   Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
   in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
   remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
   the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the

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