I Married Marge

I Married Marge                                          Written by Jeff Martin
                                                           [No director credit]

Title sequence

Blackboard :- `I will not torment the / emotionally frail'.
              `I will not torment th' at cutoff.

Lisa's solo:- very bright and happy.

Driveway   :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past.
              Homer says `Waugh!' when the car closes in on him.

Couch      :- The family (except Maggie) cartwheel into place and
              strike a `Ta da!' pose.  Maggie hops onto the couch
              and joins them, striking the same pose.

Didja notice...

    ... guest voices included Doris Grau (as the chapel clerk) and
        Maggie Roswell (as the old lady and one of Charlie's Angels?) ?
    ... Maggie fell but once?  (When she tried to get away from Homer.)
    ... Lisa's altitude during her cartwheel? {las}
    ... Marge's hair wasn't as tall as it is today? {las}
    ... Marge was wearing her lap belt?  (No shoulder belt, since they
        weren't standard issue back in 1980.)
    ... Homer's car has a chain-link steering wheel?
    ... after the man sinks the `free game' putt, he jumps to the side and
        starts doing body punch motions with his right arm?
        ``The international Guy Victory Sign (tm).  All that was missing was a
        quick close-up of Marv Albert saying YESSS!!'' {rg}
    ... the glowing cooling towers of SNPP?  (When Homer proposes to Marge.)
    ... the wedding picture ($50) cost more than the wedding ($20)? {las}
    ... in the wedding photo, Homer and Marge's pupils were red? {af}
    ... Homer had the couch to himself, leaving Marge to sleep on a
        chair? {las}
    ... Patty's stationery is titled, `From the Pen of Patty'?
    ... Maggie cuddles up to Homer and closes her eyes as if to sleep,
        but her eyes pop open when Homer approves Bart's lunch request? {klk}
    ... at Gulp-N-Blow, the rest rooms were labelled `Gulps' for the gals
        and `Blows' for the guys? {rc}
    ... Homer was wearing an `I shot J.R.' T-shirt?
    ... Mrs. Bouvier originally did not go to the hospital with Marge? {las}
    ... Marge's labor pains lasted less than a minute?
    ... that Homer was able to include in his story things that he was
        not present at?  Okay, Marge could've told him about the stuff she
        was present for, but how did he know about Burns' Pac-Man habit?

        The end of a tradition.
        (Though the crow call was there when Homer watches employees going
         to work.)

The Dave Hall {dh} report:
  - In the couch scene, Maggie fell flat on her face.
        (Bart's right leg was in the couch.)
  - When Homer walked down the stairs you can really hear the boards creak.
  - Death watching over the graves at the local fun center.
  - Curtains missing from window as Homer bent down to yell at the kids from
    the open space of the window.
  - The cute way Maggie sat on Homer's knee.
  - The AZTEC theater that Homer and Marge went to appears to be the theater
    that closed down in ``Saturdays of Thunder''.
  - I'm not sure about this, but I don't recall the ending sound track to
    ``The Empire Strikes Back'' as sounding like that?
  - The young lady standing in front of Homer and Marge `looks like' Krusty's
    secretary. (She is seen walking with a young boy after the movie ends.)
  - Did you see Princess Cashmere and `what looks like' a young Otto
    without headphones and cap?
  - As Homer and Marge walk home, the woman (of last couple) waiting in line
    appears to be (a future) Maude Flanders?
  - The body in the mouth of the dinosaur.
  - The outhouse(?) behind the guy putting?
  - The broken light-bulb above the `E' in `FREE GAME'.
  - Barney's shirt pocket seems to have switched sides.
  - This might be due to animator's choice of colors, but while Marge was
    on the phone in front of Berger's Burgers, a signal(?) light was left on
    on one of the cars.
  - Abe's appearance and mental state seems to have deteriorated within
    10-11 years? In this episode, he appears to be a man in his early 50s?
  - The dirty dishes piled up in and around the sink, or the can of blue
    stuff(?) (on the table) in the kitchen of Abe's home?
  - The burglar alarm above the trash-can in front of Family Jewels, yet
    there `seems' to be no bars or similar anti-burgler device covering
    the shop windows?)
  - The rather excessive amount of video camera coverage of the `Family
    Jewels' shop?
  - For the wedding, Marge had worn a heart in the middle of her necklace.
  - Aleen(sp?) appears to be the `future mother' of a boy she can't get to
    brush proper. [8[FG]01]
  - Cletus(sp?) shirt was half tucked in, while most of it was hanging out?
  - Intro shot of Shotgun Pete's show Aleen and Cletus sitting apart while
    Cletus sat back sucking on a cold one?
  - Marge looked really nice(?) in her wedding dress, including the `full'
    figured look her belly made.
  - The old lady Homer calls on could be Mrs. Quick. [7[FG]21]
  - I wonder where Homer placed his clothes before hitting the couch?  (I don't
    see them anywhere in the living room.)
  - The really cute way Maggie looked as she felt asleep on Homer's belly.
  - Homer sent what seems to be a lot(?) of money through the mail system.
    (Actually, I think Homer sort of gave that money to one of Marge's sisters
     as I don't see the stamp on the letter being cancelled.  This would give
     reason for lack of address on the letter.)
  - As Marge spoke to Homer through the intercom, at the Gulp-n-Blow, the menu
    states that they serve beer.
  - Homer didn't have a shirt pocket until the cigarette-lighter appeared in
    it.  (Since Homer doesn't smoke, how come he has a cigarette-lighter in the
    first place?  Maybe to had out cigars?)
  - When Homer dumps the kids on the floor, slow-motion shows a funny (cool)
    expression on Maggie's face before she hit the floor face first.

Reviews and favorite parts

John J. Wood {jjw}:  I thought it was excellent.  The 80s references were
hysterical, as was the overall writing.  A great complement to `The Way We
Was' [7[FG]12].

Karen L. Klein {klk}: ``Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.''

Larry Schwimmer {las}:  Overall, an entertaining episode which filled in
family history.  Favorites:  Slash-O knives, the close up of Maggie when
Homer picks her up, the donut man, ``Simpson, eh?  I'll remember that

Ron Carter {rc}:
    ``Bart, Cart, Dart, Eart... Nope, can't see any problem with that!''
    ``As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes...''

Yours Truly {rjc}:
    When the music swelled up as Marge read the card, then suddenly stopped.
    ``Dear Marge.  Ex. Ex. Ex.  Homer.''

Movie (and other) References

    I Married Joan (1950's sitcom)
        - the title {jc, jdb}
  ~ Busting Lose
        - the trapezoid scheme {ks}
  + Charlie's Angels
        - Homer and Barney are watching it when Marge calls
  ~ Raising Arizona and no doubt others
        - `By the time you read this, I will be gone.' {ajr}

Freeze Frame Fun

As usual all items tagged with a `-' are due to Ron Carter {rc}.

The AZTEC (movie theater)

    [now playing]  Empire Strikes Back
    Coming soon... Space Mutants

    [The first of the `Space Mutant' film series.
     Cf. also the `Bart vs. the Space Mutants' video game.]

Homer's car

  - license plate 795 DVI
  - DISCO SUCKS bumper sticker
  - one tail light is burnt out

Barney's place (courtesy of Dave Hall {dh})

as Homer and Barney share a `cookie dough' while watching `Charlie's Angels'
in their slippers:

  * Old couch
  * Pink(?) underwear with hearts on couch arm-rest
  * Sock on other arm-rest
  * Table with rotary dial telephone
  * Springfield high-school fanfare(?) flag above table
  * Small 10" B&W(?) TV on (telephone wire cable?) spool
  * Banana peel next to the TV
  * Wall clock (from bar?)
  * Poster (of Farrah Fawcett?) covering a crack on wall?
  * Old golf clubs in corner of room
  * Records in milk-carton(?) crate.
  * Bat and ball
  * Some things on the floor:
      * Empty beer(?) can
      * pennies or loose change
      * Ace of spades playing card
      * Bowling ball (to go with Barney's bowling shirt?)

Dr. Hibbert's office

  - Hibbert has an Honorary Degree
  - `So You've Ruined Your Life' (To make Marge and Homer feel better...)

Shotgun Pete's 24 Hour Wedding Chapel

  - Wedding Photos $50 / Please Pay First
  - No Shoes / No Shirt / No Service
  - Dice clock

Springfield Nuclear Power Plant

  - `Fission Illustrated' (read by one of Smithers' frat brothers)
  - Rolling Donut (all the colors of the rainbow)
  - Security Checkpoint / Must Show I.D. / Absolutely No Visitors
    [The guard is busy watching TV.]
  - In the hall, through the Personnel Dept. door
        - Accounting, Lounge, Time Schedule

The letter to Marge

    was addressed simply to ``Springfield, USA.''  Not even a street address.

Animation and continuity goofs

The first shot of the parked car over Springfield shows the car facing the
nuclear plant.  The last shot shows it perpendicular to the plant. {thf}

Burns was playing Ms. Pacman, though it was only 1980 or 1981. {thf}

Compare `War of the Simpsons' [7[FG]20], when Homer mentions ``that big bash
we had with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything.''
Marge points out that it was their wedding.  {ar}  [Or maybe Homer and
Marge held a second wedding ceremony to renew their vows?  This might
rationalize a lot of the inconsistencies... --rjc]

Dave Hall {dh}:

The scene showing Homer approching the window depicts a couch just behind him
(or something brown), yet inside shot doesn't show a couch or anything brown
being behind him.

The green hallway mat is missing from the front door.

Homer lifted up the window and stood up with his head sticking out, while
inside shot shows a stereo up against the window.  The background behind
Homer depicts an impossible view of the TV room from back yard. The
background is more likely to be seen from the side-view of house.  Probably
reused from ``When Flanders Failed''.

Close up shot of Marge and her sisters show a shelf directly over Marge's
head, while wide shot shows three shelves over (all) the sister's heads.
The picture of the sisters that start this flash-back doesn't appear
in the TV room for rest of episode.

During the ``Million$ for Nothing'' seminar, the overhead projector didn't
have a power cord.  Also the shady seminar speaker's head blocked most of
the projector, yet the viewing screen wasn't affected.

Attention to detail:  The repo man placed the pencil in the clipboard rather
than simply have it disappear when he reached out to take the ring from Marge.

Although Homer wrote his name directly under Patty's name, his name appears
off to one side when Marge read it. (Cool observation: Just watch Homer's
hand while he writes...it seems Homer is only watching a body-less hand
write his letter for him.)

Comments and other observations

Cultural background for non-Americans

    The `I Shot J.R.' T-shirt is a reference to the TV prime-time soap
    `Dallas', in which a season ended with J. R. Ewing being shot by
    an unseen assailant.  The big question during the summer was,
    ``Who shot J.R.?''  The question was resolved in Fall 1980.


    Supertramp, `The Logical Song'
    Dolly Parton, `Nine to Five'

References to previous information

Past episodes

    [7[FG]08] The ape at the miniature golf course.
    [7[FG]17] The kids playing croquet.
    [7[FG]03] Marge working as a roller-skating waitress at ``Mr Burger'' {cjb}
    [7[FG]12] Dr. Hibbert informing Marge that she's pregnant.
    [7[FG]06] Captain Lance Murdoch is in a body cast, again.
    [7[FG]15] The Family Jewels store.
    [7[FG]18] The Rolling Donut. (See the [7[FG]18] capsule for an explanation.)
    [7[FG]12] Pour vous.
    [7[FG]13] Homer stands up while the kids are in his lap.

Inconsistencies with everything we've seen so far:

    Homer's letter to Marge was written in script!
    Up to now, Homer has always printed. {las}

Simpsons Uncensored Family Album

    Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test.
    Dr. Hibbert delivered Bart.
    Newborn Bart playing with a lighter.
    ``Four toes on each foot, four fingers on each hand.''

Inconsistencies with the UFA:

    Bart and Lisa's reaction to learning that Marge might be pregnant
        is vastly different from their reaction when they learned Marge
        was pregnant with Maggie.
    Homer and Marge were married at the Lucky Seven Wedding Chapel
        in the UFA.
    Newborn Bart had less hair in the UFA.
    Homer's SNPP ID card is dated 1976 in the UFA. {las}
    Homer's job evaluation sheet was stamped `APPROVED' in the UFA. {las}

Simpsons Illustrated, Fall 1991, Homer's Job File

    On the job application, Homer listed his previous job as
        Deep fat fryer trainee, Gulp n' Blow fast food restaurant
    and his penultimate job as
        Crank turner at windmill hole, Sir Putt-a-Lot's Merrie Old Fun Center.
    [Apparently, Homer didn't think working as a Slash-Co salesman was
        worth mentioning.]

Inconsistencies with SI:

    This episode gives Smither's first name as Wayland, but the job file
        lists the name as `J. Smithers'.
        The Springfield Shopper in SI#1 also mentions a `J. Smithers'. {cjb}
    Homer's job file says he was hired on 7-12-81.  This episode takes
        place in 1980/1981, and Homer was hired the day Bart was born,
        which would make it 1 Apr 81, if we are to trust Bart's birth
        certificate in the UFA.

    Of course, Homer's job file is itself internally inconsistent.
    His employee number changes from form to form, and he filed
    an accident report on 2/11/79, over two years before he started
    working at SNPP!  And the SI job file is inconsistent with the
    UFA identification card.  Moral of the story?  It's too funny
    a joke to have only one version of!

What's it all mean?

Stephen P. Henrie (henrie@cbnewse.cb.att.com) suggests:

Perhaps the writers intended to have many conflicting ``facts'' between
the two episodes, to show that Homer's recollection of their life is so
much more different than that of his wife's.


George Harris {gh} observes that Homer is driving the same car as in `The
Way We Was' [7[FG]12].  Six years, no trade-in.  It also sounded like it was
running rougher this time.

For additional discussion on automobiles, consult the [7[FG]12] capsule.

80's stuff

George Harris {gh} is surprised that Homer remembers John Anderson.
Especially since in [8[FG]01], when asked if he is interested in politics or
government, Homer merely shrugs his shoulders.  And remember that absentee
ballot [7[FG]24].

(For those with short memories, John Anderson was the third party candidate
in the 1980 presidential election.  He got around 5% of the popular vote.)

Shotgun Pete's

J. D. Baldwin {jdb} writes:

I think the writers had a consultant who had actually been married in Las
Vegas (another DYN:  the ticket that the ``Shotgun Pete's'' lady punched said
``Official Marriage License'' on it).  This sequence was so realistic it was
kind of scary--right down to the cheesy red-eyed snapshot wedding photo and
the ``move 'em in, move 'em out'' attitude on the part of the staff.

Yes, I am a veteran of such a wedding (at the ``Graceland'' chapel on the
Las Vegas strip).  As if that weren't enough of a coincidence, less than
twenty-four hours after we watched this episode together, my wife delivered
our first son--who, I swear it, ``mooned'' us on his first sonogram.  I
thought this episode was just short of true greatness, but I have a special
place in my heart for it.

Anneliese Lilje {al} adds:

For those readers in the east, it might be nice to point out that the name
Shotgun Pete's is a clear take off on a very large casino called ``Whiskey
Pete's'' which is on the California / Nevada border (Stateline Nevada).
Many years ago it was just as small as it was pictured in the Simpsons but
now it is a HUGE casino buzzing with all the flair of most large Las Vegas

Slash-Co Knives

Adam J Weitzman {ajw} writes:

At one time in my life, I was offered a training course to become an
in-home-demo salesman for a knife company called CutCo. I know CutCo has
been around for a long time, definitely since before 1980, and while they
don't strictly do door-to-door (you get referrals and make appointments to
do demos instead), this seems like too much of a coincidence to me.

Inside jokes

``Well, you're not Ted Bessell.  But you're just as nice.''  Ted Bessell
was a director for the Tracey Ullman Show.


In `The Way We Was', Marge quickly changed the subject when Lisa asked
them how Homer proposed.  In this episode, since Marge was out of the
house, Homer could tell the story without fear of interruption.

One of the raciest Simpsons episodes so far.  The miniature golf castle
scene?  Gulp-N-Blow?  The things they let air at 8pm nowadays...

Quotes and scene summary

 In the kitchen, Marge studies the instructions on a home pregnancy test.
   Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test?  Homer, shouldn't we have gone
          with a better-known brand?
   Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
   -- And smoke it, ``I Married Marge''
   Ahoy, Maties!
   If the water turns blue, a baby for you!
   If purple ye see, no baby thar be!
   If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!
   -- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, ``I Married Marge''
 It's pink.
   Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
   Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
          the other kids.
   Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
          I always did.
   -- Simple Simpsons symptoms, ``I Married Marge''
 Marge leaves to see Dr. Hibbert.
   Bart:  Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor?
   Lisa:  Is anything wrong?
   Homer: No, everything's fine.  Your mother uh just... broke her leg.
   Lisa:  What!?
   Bart:  I smell a bun in the oven...
   Lisa:  Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad?
   Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers]
   Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright!  Way to go!  [exchange high fives]
   Bart:  You're a machine, Homer!
   -- Cheer and cheer alike, ``I Married Marge''
   Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie?  Another baby in the house.
   Bart: Oh, cool!  We can race 'em!
   -- Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
   Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games.
          For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
   Lisa:  Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
   Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
   -- The duties of fatherhood, ``I Married Marge''
 Bart asks what it was like when Marge was pregnant with him, and Homer
 decides to tell them a story.
   It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's.
   Those were idealistic days...  The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of
   Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...
   -- Homer tells a story, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer had been dating Marge for several years and working at the miniature
 golf course.  Homer's job is to sit inside the windmill and crank the
 blades.  His boss stops by to tell him to slow it down; the golfers are
 complaining.  Homer slackens the pace.
   Boss:  Keep this up, and someday <you> will be the guy who hands out
          the putters!
   Homer: Yes, sir!
   -- A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, ``I Married Marge''
 ``I was 24 years old, with a beautiful girlfriend, <and> a job with a
 future,'' notes Homer.  He looks around to find that the kids have vanished.
 Bart and Lisa are playing croquet in the yard.  They thought the story
 was over.
   Lisa:  It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad.
          We watch an appalling amount of TV.
   Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
   -- ``I Married Marge''
 Homer spots Maggie scurrying away and turns her into a captive audience.
 (We get a wild zoom of Maggie as she swings onto Homer's lap.)

 After Mrs. Bouvier takes a family picture, we hear a car horn outside.
 Marge leaves to go out with Homer, but not before her sisters express
 their scorn for ``that ugly meatball.''
   Patty:  If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat!
   Granma: It would leave less hair on the couch.
   -- Marge's sister and mother give some alternatives to Homer,
      ``I Married Marge''
 Marge tries to stand up for
 Homer, but her point is undermined when Homer yells, ``Get your butt
 out here!''

 While waiting in line to see `The Empire Strikes Back', Marge asks Homer
 what his plans for the future are.
   Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating.
   Homer: But it gives me time to think.
   Marge: Oh.  What do you think about?
   Homer: Oh, girls.  I mean, boys.  I, I mean, you.
   -- Planning for the future, ``I Married Marge''
 Coming out of the movie...
   Homer: Wow, what an ending!  Who would have thought Darth Vader was
          Luke Skywalker's father!
   Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie]  Oh, thank you, Mister
          Blow-the-picture-for-me.  [etc]
   -- The infamous Ctrl-L, ``I Married Marge''
 In Homer's car (complete with `DISCO SUCKS' bumper sticker), they sing
 `You Light Up My Life' along with the radio, though Homer has trouble
 with the words.
   Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio]  Our song.
   Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
   Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
   Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy.  No, wait, He's always mad...
   -- Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?  ``I Married Marge''
 Marge and Homer are inside a miniature castle at the golf course.
   Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a <real> castle.
   Marge: You don't have to do that.
   Homer: Phew.  Good.
   -- ``I Married Marge''
   Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
   Homer: Really?  It <must> be the champale talking.
   -- ``I Married Marge''
 They make out.  Marge asks, ``What if we get caught?''  Homer explains,
 ``Don't worry, this castle is impregnable.''  At that moment, a golfer
 putts the ball into a ``Free Game'' hole, and lights flash and bells

 Homer watches `Charlie's Angels' with Barney (``Pass the cookie dough.'')
 and celebrates when they're sent on a mission to Hawaii.  He gets a
 phone call from Marge (working as a roller-skated carhop at Bergers
 Burgers) asking to be taken to the doctor.

 Dr. Hibbert breaks the news.
   Dr.H:  Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
          I think we've found the reason why you've been
          throwing up in the morning.
   Homer: D'oh!
   -- The price of passion, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer's ``D'oh'' echoes through the hospital.
   Dr.H:  Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet]
   Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life.
   -- Marge learns she's pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 At home, Homer talks to Abe.
   Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
   Homer:  Because it's the honorable thing to do?
   Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better.
           Ha ha, you lucky bum!  The fish jumped right in the boat, and
           all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!
   -- Marge becomes pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 Parked at Inspiration Point...
   Marge, there's something I want to ask you.  But I'm afraid, because if
   you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
   -- Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, ``I Married Marge''
 ``Well, I haven't said `no' to you lately, have I?'' replies Marge.
 [Obviously not.]  Homer tries to find the index card on which he
 wrote down what he was going to say, and Marge finds it and reads it.
 ``Marge, from the first moment I saw you, I never wanted to be with
 anyone else.  I don't have much to offer you except all my love.
 Will you marry me?''  ``That's the card.  Give it here,'' says Homer.
 Marge accepts the proposal, and Homer celebrates.  (``In your face,

 [End of Act One.  Time: 7:19]

 The kids are listening to the story.
   Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel?
   Bart: Bzzzzt.  I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson.
   Lisa: Ariel!              Ariel!              Ariel!
   Bart:        Cool Mo-Dee!        Cool Mo-Dee!        Cool Mo-Dee!
   -- The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer recalls the discussions he and Marge had about naming their child.
 (The kids dash off in a puff of smoke.)

 At the Family Jewels store, Homer and Marge survey the choice of rings.
   Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think
          of the name Larry?
   Homer: Marge, we can't do that!  All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'.
   Marge: Well, how about Louie?
   Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'.
   Marge: Bob?
   Homer: `Flob'. [?]
   Marge: Luke?
   Homer: `Puke'.
   Marge: Marcus?
   Homer: `Mucus'.
   Marge: What about Bart?
   Homer: Let's see...  Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art...  Nope, can't see any problem
          with that!
   -- Stopped in the nick of time, ``I Married Marge''
   Homer: [spots a nice ring]  Wow.  I'll take <that> ring.
   Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it?
   Homer: I don't know.
   -- Good things come to those who wait, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer and Marge drive to `Shotgun Pete's' just past the state line.
   Basic ceremony's twenty bucks.  Here's your license.
   Be sure to get this punched every time.  The tenth wedding is on the house.
   -- Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, ``I Married Marge''
 The minister cries, ``Next!'', and Homer and Marge march down the aisle,
 as Doris plays `Here Comes the Bride' on a synthesizer (with synthetic
 rhythm section).
   Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and
             this casino to join... [points at Homer]
   Homer:    Homer.
   Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge]
   Marge:    Marge.
   Minister: ... in holy matrimony.  Beautiful.
             [three minutes later]
             Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your
             lawful wedded husband?
   Marge:    I do.
   Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed.
   Homer:    I do.
   Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission,
             I pronounce you man and wife.  Here's ten dollars worth of chips.
             You may kiss the bride.
   -- How ``I Married Marge''
 As the minister yells, ``Next!'', the photo is taken.

 Back at the Bouvier residence, Patty tells the `lovebirds' to keep it down.
 (Not that they were making much noise in the first place.)

 Marge tallies the bills and comes to an unpleasant conclusion.  Meanwhile,
 Homer shows Marge a `baby monitor' walkie-talkie.  Marge is concerned that
 they can't afford all the baby stuff.
   Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant?
          I hear they pay pretty well.
   Marge: I don't know.  I heard radiation can make you sterile.
   Homer: Pfft.  <Now> you tell me.
   -- ``I Married Marge''
 At the plant, there are only two positions available, and three applicants,
 Homer and two other men.  Smithers recognizes the other two as frat
 brothers at Alpha Tau.  They do the frat handshake, then sing a college
 song.  Homer tries to join their singing, but fails miserably.

 Meanwhile, Dr. Hibbert does a sonogram of the unborn Bart, who turns
 his back.  ``Hm, if I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to
 moon us.''

 Back at the job interview...
   Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality?
   Man 1:    Well, I <am> a workaholic.
   Man 2:    I push myself too hard.
   Homer:    Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything,
             I'm kind of a goof-off...
   Smithers: Okay, that'll do.
   Homer:    ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace...
   Smithers: That's enough!
   -- Job interview, ``I Married Marge''
   Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor.  What do you do?
   Homer:    There's a problem with the reactor!?  We're all going to die!
             Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic]
   -- Homer's job interview, ``I Married Marge''
 Marge goes through the bills, and Homer says he didn't get the job.
 (``They wanted someone good.'')  Marge invites Homer to feel the
 baby kicking.
   Homer: [to his unborn son]  Kid, I won't let you down.
          I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first
          thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job.
   Patty: Yeah, a doctor!
   -- ``I Married Marge''
 Homer tries various jobs, but screws up all of them.  First, he
 works at Ye Olde Candlemaker Shoppe in Olde Springfield Towne.  Then
 selling knives door-to-door for Slash-Co Knives.
   Homer: Good evening, Madam.  You have been selected by the good people of
          Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge.
          Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co!  [hands her the knife]
   Woman: [grabs the wrong end]  Aaaaaagh!
   Homer: [to himself]  Handle first, handle first...
   -- Homer's job experience, ``I Married Marge''
 He then works at the Pitiless Pup Attack Dog School, but not for long.
 Next, he attends a `Million$ for Nothing' seminar.
   First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid
   schemes you've been hearing about.  No sir.  Our model is the trapezoid!
   -- Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', ``I Married Marge''
 The speaker hears a siren outside and leaps out the window (through
 the glass) in panic.
   Fourth notice.  Ninety days overdue.  We break thumbs.
   -- Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, ``I Married Marge''
 Men from Repo Depot come and take all the baby things, as well as
 Marge's ring.
   Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
   -- Man from the Repo Depot, ``I Married Marge''
 That evening, in the middle of the night, Homer goes to a desk and writes
 Marge a letter.  ``By the time you read this, I will be gone.''  He
 can't afford the things she deserves, and besides, her family doesn't
 like him.  (``Shut up with that pen scratching down there!'' yells Patty
 from upstairs.)  He promises to send her every cent he earns to support
 the child.  He leaves the note on Marge's desk and kisses her good-bye.
 Outside, he puts a `For Sale' sign on his car and moves the `DISCO
 SUCKS' bumper sticker from the car bumper to his suitcase before trudging
 off into the darkness...
   Lisa: [crying] That is so sad.
   Homer: Oh, come on, honey.  You know how it turns out.
          After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the
          responsible head of a household.
   Bart:  [poking his head into the room]
          Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
   Homer: Okay.
   -- Edible complex, ``I Married Marge''
 [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:33]

 Marge finds Homer's note and cries.  Her sisters try to console her.
 (``I thought he'd two-time you for a while first.'')  At the Gulp-N-Blow,
 Patty finds hair in her taco, then spots Homer working behind the
 counter.  The sisters decide not to tell Marge.

 Marge is knitting at home, when she gets a letter from Homer.
 It contains $20 bills, and the simple note, ``Dear Marge, XXX.  Homer.''
 (Which Homer VO's literally.)

 Homer watches the SNPP employees arrive for work and gasps at the
 donut truck that goes in.

 A very pregnant Marge stands in the doorway, waiting for Homer to return.
 Patty can hold her tongue no longer.
   Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you.  Gulp.  'N'.  Blow.
   -- Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, ``I Married Marge''
 Marge pulls up to the drive-through microphone.
   Homer: Yeah, whaddya want.
   Marge: My husband by my side.
   Homer: You want fries with that?
   -- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
 The happy couple are reunited.  (``Holy cow, you're as big as a house!'')
 Marge asks Homer to come home.
   Look at me.  I'm a trainee.
   They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.
   -- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer says he can't even afford a decent wedding ring, but Marge says that
 any ring is fine.  So Homer slips an onion ring on her finger.  Marge is
 touched, but adds, ``Would you mind if I took it off now?  The oil is
 burning my finger.''  Homer takes it off, and eats it.  Marge kisses Homer,
 adding, ``Come home soon,'' before driving off.  Homer tears off his
 trainee uniform and stuffs it in a `Thank you' trash bin.  He rushes
 to SNPP, going right past a security kiosk.  (The guard pays absolutely
 no notice.)
   That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet]
   Muhahaha!  Ironic isn't it.  The hunter has become the hunted!  Hahahaha!!
   -- Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer bursts into Burns' office.
   Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot.  If you're looking for the kind of employee
   that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN!  You can
   treat me like dirt, and I'll <still> kiss your butt and call it ice cream!
   And if you don't like it, I can change!!
   -- Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, ``I Married Marge''
   I like your attitude.  Feisty, yet spineless.
   -- Monty Burns hires Homer, ``I Married Marge''
   Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet
   on his way out.
   -- Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson,
      ``I Married Marge''
 Burns responds, ``I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes
 on a young bootlick named Wayland Smithers.  ...  Welcome aboard, son.''
   Only in America could I get a job!
   -- Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, ``I Married Marge''
   Burns:    Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
   Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
   Burns:    Simpson, eh?  I'll remember that name...
   -- The beginning of a tradition, ``I Married Marge''
 Homer returns home to Marge, to learn that she's at the hospital.
 Mrs. Bouvier grudgingly gives him a ride.

 Homer arrives and tells off Patty when she bad-mouths him.
   Homer:       Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
   Dr. Hibbert: Good God!
   -- A professional opinion, ``I Married Marge''
   Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going
   Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
   Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me.
   -- Useful phrase #1, ``I Married Marge''
   Marge: [goes into labor] Oh!
   Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside.  I'll deliver this baby.
   Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
   Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh?
   -- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
 Dr. Hibbert delivers a little Bart.
   Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
   Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine
          by me.
   -- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
 As Homer calls him ``Daddy's little angel'', Bart takes a lighter and
 sets Homer's necktie aflame.  ``Why you little!''

 Bart and Lisa are playing Chinese checkers, and Homer invites them to sit
 on his lap.
   Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift
          a man could have.  As the years went by, your mother and I were
          blessed twice more.  And not a day goes by that we don't thank God
          for all three of you.
   Marge: [comes home]  Homer, I'm not pregnant!
   Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor]
          Yeah!  Whoa!  Excellent, Marge!
   Marge: Yes!  [exchanges a high five with Homer]
   -- ``I Married Marge''
 [End of Act Three.  Time: 19:55]
   Episode summaries Copyright 1991 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
   in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
   remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
   the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the

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