Flaming Moe                                             Written by Robert Cohen
                                          Directed by Rich Moore and Alan Smart
[$Id: 8f08 1.3 92/03/05 07:50:12 raymond Exp Locker: raymond $]
> Title sequence
Cut from solo directly to driveway.

Blackboard :- `Underwear should be worn on the inside'.
              `Underwear should be worn o' at cutoff.

Lisa's solo:- descending eighth notes (same as in [8f01])
                        .... .
              .          #Nb  b # #Nb  b   N# . . .  .
              1_______5 5443 1754 4434 31 /346161/3__1

Driveway   :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past.

Couch      :- Two thieves (complete with striped shirts and masks)
              are carting the couch away.  The family leap onto the
              couch, but the thieves dump OFF onto the floor and
              continue on their way.

The extra half-beat returns.  (Sigh.)

> Didja notice...
    ... special guest voices included Aerosmith as themselves,
        Catherine O'Hara as the waitress,
        Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz, and Marcia Wallace as Ms. K?
    ... between the floorboards are a pipe clearly labelled `lead'
        and insulation clearly labelled `asbestos'?
        There was also a dead rat in front of the insulation. {em}
    ... the girls were eating rice krispies/marshmallow treats at the
        slumber party?
        (Wouldn't this cause problems for the girl who wears braces?)
    ... Moe was cheating at solitaire?  [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu]
        He had placed two red cards atop each other.
        [Actually, I noticed that one pile didn't even have an up-card.
        And of course, Moe didn't bother to turn all the cards to face the
        same way before he shuffled them. --rjc]
    ... Bart ``paper bag head'' Simpson was hiding behind a paper bag?
    ... Marge's wig (identical to her regular hair) on the dresser?
    ... the mugger in front of Homer's new watering hole, The Aristocrat? {rc}

Did you remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin when Dr. Fink used the gas

Dave Hall {dh}:
    ... some of the people floating on the dead sea look more dead than alive?
    ... the table (with the gas chromatograph) disappeared after Martin's
    ... Ms. Krabappel's desk?  An apple core, and books which face away
        from her (so she can't read the title).
    ... the picture that Bart took out of the bag appears to be the one
        from the TV room?
    ... Krusty slipped money into Bernard's hand?
    ... the `live' lizard around Kent Brockman's date's neck?
        (Is she the weather girl?)
    ... the large mouse (rat?) hole in Moe's bedroom?  There are also
        lady's shoes on his side of the bed.
    ... how Marge handles her plate of bacon and eggs as she sat down?
        Note the look on her face.  (You need slo-mo or FF for this one.)

> Mixed reviews

Catherine Stanton {cs}:  What a classic.  It's a shame they're still
having the sappy endings.  I was hoping Moe would go broke or something.

inde6bc@JANE.UH.EDU:  What's with the sappy episodes, anyway? It seems like
every show this season has been capped with a sappy ending.  Still a
pretty good episode, though.  Bart's first kiss was a success.

Roby Sherman (rsherman@mthvax.cs.miami.edu):  Excellent episode.

Eric C. Williams (eric@npri6.npri.com):  Best of the season.  Just the
right balance of humor and darkness.  Loved the way the `normal' townsfolk
acquired alter egos in the bar.

Dora Kilburn {dk3}:  I thought it was just another episode.  There was
really nothing that was very memorable for me.  My biggest laugh was 
the couch scene.

Bryan Kelln {bk}:  An excellent episode. One of the best.

David Moery {dm}:  By far the best episode this season, and definitely one
of the all-time greats.

Scott Amspoker {sa}:  Excellent episode.  I laughed out loud many times
last night.

J. D. Baldwin {jdb}:  This episode was immediately catapulted into the
pantheon of the greats.  Right up there with `Itchy & Scratchy & Marge' and
`Bart the General'.  It even had an appearance by Scratchy!

Ron Carter {rc}:  Another superb episode; Lisa's PJ party was funny 'cause
it's true.

Yours Truly {rjc}:  Soopoib.  `Eye on Springfield' was great, but I fell
on the floor when Lisa's slumber party went after Bart.  Bart overturned
furniture to impede the girls' progress, just like they do on TV!  [J. D.
Baldwin {jdb} responds, ``TV, hell!  I have three younger sisters, and I
survived pre-adolescence only thanks to tricks very much like this one!'']
But the best part was easily The Song.  (They even had the car driving past
before the song starts.)  I've been singing that song for days now...

> Movie (and other) References
    Truth or Dare
        - the girls play the game
    North by Northwest
        - the music as the girls chase Bart {hrl}
  ~ Close Encounters of the Third Kind
        - removing the screws to get at Bart
    Gilbert Godfreid
        - Moe's ``I'm Moe and I invented it''
          [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu] {lt}
        - Tipsy McStagger's and buying a drink for a chain of bars {rc}
  + Cheers
        - The Song and The Pictures.
        - a lascivious head bartender (Moe/Sam).
        - the waitress
            - pseudo-intellectual (``shan't'', ``Morris'') {ez}
            - moralistic {slp}  Note her body language when she
              scolds Moe for stealing Homer's recipe. {ez}
            - ``She left to pursue a movie career.  Frankly, I think she
              was better off here.''  {slp} Shelley Long left Cheers to
              pursue a movie career, but never recaptured the fame she had
              while on Cheers.
        - insult-based sexual banter between the bartender and waitress.
        - they also end up sleeping together. {slp}
        - a Woody-like bartender constantly polishing shot glasses. {ez}
        - a fat slob dressed in a suit jacket (Barney/Norm).
            - ``Barney!'' followed by a leading question from the bartender.
  + Sean Penn
        - Krusty punches out a photographer.
  + The Nutty Professor
        - ``And the secret ingredient is... LOVE!'' {rc}
  + Phantom of the Opera
        - Homer's haughty speech from the rafters.
        - Notice the robe deftly draped over his face like the Phantom's mask.
    Hunchback of Notre Dame {rc}

> Freeze Frame Fun
As usual, all items tagged with a `-' are courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}.
Items tagged with a `+' are due to Dave Hall {dh}.

>> Eye On Springfield

  - Springfield sign a la HOLLYWOOD sign
    Statue of town founder Jebediah O. Z. J. Springfield
       (accompanied by a buxom brunette striking the same pose)
    Sir Putt-a-Lot's Merrie Olde Fun Center
        3 bikini-clad babes standing on the fairway of the 1st hole.
        (Alligator standing, wearing boxing gloves; center hole leads
        to the parking lot...) {jpc}
  - Larry's Chinese Theatre
      - ``Here's looking at you, Larry'' (signed) McBain
        Kent makes handprints on his own cement panel.
      + A Laramee billboard on the side of the theater.
  - Springfield Downs (Greyhound dog races)
      + The hounds didn't come out of their proper gates (i.e. The numbers on
        their backs didn't match the numbers on the gates.)
      + Some people at the downs:
          + Jasper
          + Lenny
          + Karl
          + Barney
          + Herman
  - The Jazzhole (Bleeding Gums Murphy appearing)
  - Springfield War Memorial Stadium
  - The Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor (cf [7G08])
      - Manager's Special  Up to 12 Letters Only $15.95  The Perfect Gift!
        Kent gets a giant tattoo on his back.

  + The great tire fire is even funnier because the old beat-up truck is shown
    to be brand-new in the old news footage.  (Note the same tires in back of
    the truck, and the tree behind the fence, or the new building in the
  + Springfield's oldest man appears to be Raliph Melish(sp?), the guy who got
    his driving license revoked by Patty in `Principal Charming'.

>> Moe's Tavern

    The lost and found box
          Bowie knife
          troll doll
          glass eye (which rolls away and crashes to the floor)
          cough syrup
            Andrew Tannenbaum {trb} explains that troll dolls were very
            popular with little girls around 1965.  The implication is
            clearly that Moe never got rid of anything in his lost and
            found box.
  - Isotopes sports banner on wall
  - Love Tester
        - Hot Tamale
        - Casanova
        - Hubba Hubba
        - Luke Warmish (also Luke Warm Luke)
        - Cold Fish
    + Steven Tyler scores `Hot Tamale' on the Love Tester.
  - Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium
  - Headlines with Moe's success
        - Springfield Shopper    `Wizard of Walnut Street'
        - Timely                 `One Moe for the Road'
        - Bar and Stool Magazine `Through the Roof!'
  - People at Flaming Moe's
        - Jasper
            + Steven Tyler throws his scarf into a crowd of women, and
              Jasper catches it.  Jasper proceeds to wipe his mouth with it.
        - Otto dancing with Princess Cashmere
            + Otto is wearing his headphones.  What is he listening to?
        - Ned and Maude Flanders
        + Krusty
        + Dr. Marvin Monroe
        + Karl
        + Lenny
        + Barney
        + Ms. Krabappel
          Kent Brockman
          The two cops
  - Next door is `King Toot's Music Store'

>> The Song

>>> The Words, transcribed with the help of Ron Carter {rc}

When the weight of the world has got you down
    and you want to end your life.
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
    and problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the tow'l,
    'cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's....            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
    can warm you like a hug.                    (Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...

>>> The Images

    The two cops enjoy a drink (still in uniform)
    Ms. Krabappel with two sailors

>> The Aristocrat, the dive bar Homer pays a visit to

    + As Homer stepped out of his car
        + a cop car was chasing another car
        + a guy being robbed
        + a striped car
        + a wino (without shoes) passed out on the sidewalk
    + The bartender (with the patch over one eye) has a tattoo of a skull;
        the skull has a patch over the same eye.
    + Several bullet holes above the pay phone

>> Lionel Hutz's bookshelf

    Our Legal System

>> Homer's hallucination

During Homer's wandering, he passes the TV shop.  On the screens appear:

  - the Chief of Police of Springfield
  - Krusty
  - Dr. Marvin Monroe
  - Kent Brockman
  - Scratchy getting a stick of dynamite in the mouth (the
    pictures cuts -right- before it blows up, damn)
  - an unidentified couple ready to kiss (ala a soap opera)

all the sets then `tune' to Moe's face...

  + Even the bear under Jebediah Springfield looked like Moe.

>> Flaming Moe's knockoffs

  - Flaming Meaux
  - Famous Moe's, Established Last Night, Best Moe's in Town
  - Flaming Moe's pushcart

>> Miscellaneous

The Czechoslovakian outlet looked like this:

              | |
            |    --

> Animation and continuity goofs
>> Door hinges

Sandra Ann Salinger (salins@aix.rpi.edu) points out that, since Bart's door
opens into the room, the hinges would be on the inside of the door, and
the girls couldn't have removed them.

>> Bart's escape

In `Bart vs. Thanksgiving' [7f07] we see that there is a tree within
easy climbing distance of Bart's window.  But in this episode, Bart
was forced to make a jump for it.

>> The slide show

First, we see Semla holding the slide projector's remote control, which is
panel-like, but later while Patty's holding it, it's depicted as being
trigger-like. {dh}

>> Moe's Tavern

All due to Dave Hall {dh}:

Moe is standing in front of Homer with the blender between them, yet when
Moe rolled the drink down the bar to the customer, the blender is to one
side of them.

The lid of the blender disappeared from Homer's hand when he poured the
two drinks, yet it appears later to be on the top of the blender.

Homer only made enough drink for him and Moe, but after the customer
complaints about the Love Tester, it appears that the blender is half full
again. (Taking into account the blender appeared to be empty for one

For a couple of frames, Homer's hand passes under the drink. (i.e. drink
overlays Homer's hand.)

For some scenes, the bottles on the counter seem to move/disappear/change

After Moe places the towel over his shoulder, it disappeared after Mr.
Bannister asked about the inventor of the `Flaming Moe'.

A FF on Homer falling from the window shows several chain links
breaking--something that couldn't possibly happen.

>> Miscellaneous

Also due to Dave Hall {dh}

When the Camera pans from the TV room, it appears that Lisa's room is above
the TV room, yet later, from the back view of the house, Lisa's room is
over the kitchen.

The note-pad next to the phone only appeared when Bart wanted Homer to say
his name.

Bart threw the note-pad to the floor, yet when Lisa's friend pointed her
finger at Bart, the note-pad is nowhere to be seen.

The TV remote disappeared from the couch for one scene.

Only four girls went past Homer as they chased Bart.  (Where did the
fifth girl go?)

While Homer sat at the dining room table, his Duff beer is placed in
front of him, but you only see it during one scene only.

> Comments and other observations
>> A sappy ending?

Stephen L. Peters {slp}:  Where would Homer and Barney go?  Like any
sitcom, the rich get richer, and the poor get rich and then blow it all.

Jamie Ide {ji}:  How can you call that a sappy ending?  Moe was about to
close a million dollar deal and give half to Homer when Homer blew it.
Moe's was back to being a dive bar (I'm sure Moe squandered his profits)
and Homer still got no credit for inventing the Flaming Homer.  IMHO, that
was the least sappy ending so far this season.

>> Potent potables

>>> The Flaming Homer/Moe

Ron Carter {rc} politely provides the recipe:
    Tequila, Schnapps, Creme De Menthe, and the `secret' ingredient:
    Krusty's Non Narkotik Kough Syrup For Kids (``Doc'' Krusty on the label)

J. D. Baldwin {jdb} asks, ``If Moe had split the money and the credit for
the drink with Homer, would it have been called the Flaming Ho-Moe?''

>>> Virgin Moe

Sean Graves (sean@cs.tamu.edu) asks:  So if Lisa had a Virgin Moe, what
would that be?  Flaming cough syrup?  Hmmm.

>>> Harvey Wallbanger

In case you didn't know, the `Frank Wallbanger' joke was a reference to
this drink, consisting of orange juice, vodka, and Galiano.

>> Eye on Springfield

You'd have hoped that an Emmy-award-winning reporter wouldn't stoop to the
level of info-tainment.

J. D. Baldwin {jdb} observes that the episode originally aired during the
1991 November Sweeps.  ``This is exactly the kind of thing that those
`info-tainment' shows stoop to during sweeps.  I laughed until I stopped.
Not that I'm bad-mouthing bikini documentaries, you understand.''

>> The wax game

Theron Stanford {tws} thinks that that two different girls played the wax
game.  ``That's what was so funny--Lisa came up with a really clever idea
to make the one girl feel good, but then left the other girl hanging.''

>> The jinx

David Hyatt {dh2} explains:  ``If we say something at the same time,
whoever says JINX last has to be silent until someone says their name.
Played this all the time with my cousins.  Hours of amusement!''

>> Flaming Moe's bouncer

Some people have suggested that the bouncer was Dreaderick ``I really
[bleep]ed up bad'' Tatum, but I disagree.

(1) The bouncer's name was Bernard.
(2) Bernard has a deep voice.  Tatum has a high-pitched voice.

>> Ms. Krabappel

Catherine Stanton {cs}:  Just a word on Mrs. Krabappel (slut).  I've
always suspected that my teachers were like that after work.  Not only is
she a slut, but an ugly one at that.

Stephen L. Peters {slp}:  So far, we've seen Ms. K in the back seat of a
car with a sushi chef and trying to seduce Lisa's substitute teacher.  I'm
not surprised she'd start hanging around bars if the opportunity arose... 8^)

>> Bart's First Kiss?

Hardly, notes Chris Baird {cjb}.  He presents the Bart Simpson Kiss List:

    kisses    racing slip            [Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire]
    kissed by Homer                  [Bart the Genius]
    kissed by Sherry and Terry       [Homer's Odyssey]
    kisses    Homer                  [There's No Disgrace Like Home]
    kissed by Marge                  [Jacques to be Wild]
    kissed by pretty French brunette [The Crepes of Wrath]
    kisses    Ms. Krabappel          [Bart Gets an F]
    kissed by Marge (in dream)       [Bart vs. Thanksgiving]
    kissed by Lisa                   [Bart vs. Thanksgiving]
    kissed by Marge                  [Bart the Daredevil]
    kissed by Homer (twice)          [One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish]
    kissed by pretty lady            [Saturdays of Thunder]
    kissed by `Susan'                [Flaming Moe]

>> Maggie's First Word?

General consensus is that Maggie's ``Moe'' existed only in Homer's
hallucination and therefore doesn't count.  (Similar to her, ``It's your
fault I can't talk!'' in `Bart vs. Thanksgiving'.)  Some believe that
Maggie actually did say something, but Homer heard it as `Moe'.  Contrary
evidence:  (1) The rest of the family didn't seem to react much to Maggie's
alleged first word.  (2) Homer later hallucinated talking daisies, which
means that he can hallucinate things that simply don't exist.

>> Marge's sarcasm

I was actually mildly shocked by Marge's outburst of sarcasm.  (Which made
it all the funnier, of course.)  Seemed out of character for her.

>> Aerosmith

Mike Berman {msb} identifies the closing music as `Young Lust' from their
album `Pump'.

> Quotes and scene summary
% [Note:  Aside from Wanda, I made up names for the girls at Lisa's party.
% Janey is arguably Lisa's best friend, so she'd almost certainly be invited.
% Susan Hegarty is another of Lisa's classmates.]
% ``Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is `Eye on Springfield'!''
% Followed by disco music and an absurd montage of various Springfield
% sites, with generous helpings of women in bikinis.

Wow!  Info-tainment!
-- Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''

Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard
Fire.  Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!
-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''

Kent:  We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.
       [caption reads, ``Opposites attract?'']
Homer: He's not so fat.
-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''

Kent:  And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who
       reminisces about growing up in Springfield.
Tatum: That town is a dump.  If you ever see me back there,
       you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad.
-- A candid interview, ``Flaming Moe's''

But first!  Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini!
-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''

% Whence follows another shameless montage of scantily-clad women.

Whoa!  T and A!
-- Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis,
   ``Flaming Moe's''

% Homer asks Bart why he's still up, and (after we hear giggling from
% Lisa's slumber party upstairs) Bart explains, ``Who can sleep with
% those five evil hens cackling and plotting against me!''  Scoffs Homer,
% ``What an ego.''
% The girls giggle about Bart, then play the candle-wax game.

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what
       your husband's job will be.
Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop.  My husband will be a janitor.
Lisa:  That looks like an Olympic torch to me.  Your husband could be
       an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall]  It's a dustpan.
Lisa:  The wax never lies...
-- Lisa's slumber party, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The girls then play Truth or Dare.  Susan (wearing braces) is dared to
% kiss Bart.  In the kitchen, an unsuspecting Bart gets smooched by Susan.
% Bart threatens, ``I'm telling Mom and Dad,'' and the girls place the
% say-it-at-the-same-time jinx on him.  (``You can't talk 'til somebody
% says your name!'')

Coming up next:  An elephant who never forgets... to brush!
-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''

Homer: What is it, boy?
Bart:  Mmph.  Mmph.  Mmph.
Homer: Is anything the matter, my son?  Talk to me, young man.
Bart:  [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.]
Homer: Say your name?  Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart:  Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
Homer: [punches Bart in the arm]
Bart:  Ow!  What was that for!?
Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm!
       Sorry, it's the law!  Heh heh.
-- A kid at heart, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The girls spot Bart (``Let's give him a make-over!'') and chase him
% through the house.  (``Run for it, boy!'')  Bart seeks refuge in his
% room, but the girls remove the screws from the hinges.  Bart perches
% precariously on the window ledge and, choosing between two evils, swallows
% hard and decides to jump.  (Thud.)  The girls turn their attention
% to the youngest Simpson.  (``Come here, Maggie...'')
% Homer peers over his newspaper to see a victimized Maggie with make-up,
% jewelry, and high heels.  ``That's it, I'm outta here.''
% Homer goes to Moe's Tavern, which is empty save one other customer.

Homer: What's the matter, Moe?
Moe:   Oh, business is slow.  People today are healthier and drinking less.
       You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one
       would even use the cigarette machine.
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a
purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
-- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Homer asks for a beer, but the taps are dry.  Moe fell behind on his
% beer payments, spending his last $10,000 on the Love Tester (a coin-operated
% gizmo).  Homer tries to suck the last few drops of beer from the taps,
% but Moe tells him Barney did that already.  (``Cut his gums up pretty
% bad.'')  Moe reassures Homer that he learned how to make other drinks
% at bartender's school, blowing an inch of dust off a Cocktail Chart.

Gin and... tonic?  [in disbelief] Do they mix?
-- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Homer tells Moe of a drink he invented.  Flashback time.  One night,
% he was suffering through yet another of Patty and Selma's slide shows.

Selma: [showing slides]  And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor
       into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
       [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty]  As you can see, we never
       did get the hang of it.
Bart:  Aye, carumba!
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

% ``As I stared up at that hairy yellow drumstick, I knew I needed a drink.''
% Homer heads into the kitchen for a Duff, but since Selma took the last one,
% he has to improvise.

I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup.
[mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down]
[waves his hand in front of his face]
It passed the first test:  I didn't go blind.
-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The slide show continues.  An ash from Selma's cigarette ignites Homer's
% drink.

I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.
-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe invites Homer to make a `Flaming Homer'.  Homer needs cough syrup,
% and Moe goes through the lost-and-found.  He turns up some cough syrup.
% It's rather bland, but after you light it...

Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's invited!
-- Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''

% A customer complains about the Love Tester (``I want my nickel back'') and
% Moe gives him a Flaming Homer.

Hey, this drink is delicious.  And my phlegm feels looser!
-- Snake oil not included, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The customer asks what it's called.  Homer explains, ``It's called
% a Flaming...''  Moe quickly interrupts, ``Moe.  It's called a Flaming
% Moe.  That's right, a Flaming Moe.  My name is Moe, and I invented it.
% That's why it's called a Flaming Moe.  What, what are you looking at
% Homer?  It's a Flaming Moe, I'm Moe.''
% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:00]
% Moe's Tavern is packed with customers, all drinking Flaming Moe's.

Barney: [discovers the salad bar]  Hey, what's this?
Moe:    A sneeze guard.
Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works!
-- An ounce of prevention, ``Flaming Moe's''

Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down
on you for accepting food stamps.
-- Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''

% It's clear the it's the Flaming Moe that is drawing the customers.
% A pretty woman applies for the waitress position and gets it (after
% some lascivious comments from Moe and an insulting rejoinder).
% ``You shan't regret this.''  Harv Bannister from Tipsy McStagger's
% Good-Time Drinking and Eating Emporium offers to buy the recipe.
% (Moe doesn't quite understand that `Tipsy McStagger' is merely the
% name of the company; he thinks there really is a Mr. McStagger.)

The Flaming Moe is not for sale.  Do you know how much of my blood
and sweat are in this drink?
[everybody in the bar spits out their drink]
Uh, figure of speech.
-- Moe refuses to sell out, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Mr. Bannister surreptitiously pours a Flaming Moe into a container for
% future analysis.  Barney is pleased.  ``Good for you, Moe.  Only an
% idiot would give away a million-dollar idea like that!''  Homer is not
% pleased.  At school...

Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank
        Mr. A. J. P. Martin.
Ms. K:  [applauding]  Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant!  Once again, you've
        wrecked the grading curve.  Oh, I pity the poor student who has
        to follow you.  [consults her sheet]  Bart Simpson, you're next.
-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''

The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson.
The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart
man.  He's my father, Homer Simpson.
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

% Bart proclaims that Homer invented the Flaming Homer, but everybody
% knows that Moe invented it.

Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
      [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor]
Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody.
Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge!  You can have what's left at the
      end of the day.
-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe erects a neon `Flaming Moe's' sign atop his tavern, and Flaming Moe's
% becomes The Place To Be.  Krusty arrives with a date and punches out a
% photographer.

Quimby:  Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day!
Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
Quimby:  It can be two things!
-- Serving one's country, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe makes the cover of magazines with his new drink.
% At the Simpsons dinner table, Lisa asks if, instead of milk, she can have
% a Virgin Moe, and Homer growls.  Bart arrives with a `I got toasted at
% Flaming Moe's' T-shirt.  Homer orders Bart to take it off, so he does.
% Bart eats dinner shirtless.  Marge suggests Homer talk to Moe.  Homer
% refuses.  Too upset to eat, he decides to go to Moe's.  (``D'oh!'')
% But he can't get past the bouncer.  Inside Moe introduces his new friends.

Moe:       How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith!
Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc.
Moe:       C'mon guys, free pickled eggs!
Aerosmith: Awright!  Yeah!  [head onstage]
-- The price of fame?  ``Flaming Moe's''

% They play `Walk This Way'.  Karl and Len enjoy their Flaming Moe's, but
% Len forgets to extinguish the flames before he drinks it.  His hair
% catches on fire as a result.  Jasper is in the crowd.  Otto dances with
% Princess Cashmere atop the table the Flanderses are at.  Homer sneaks
% in the bathroom window and is surprised to see a well-dressed Barney.
% Barney introduces his friends Armondo and Ralphy.  Moe joins Aerosmith
% on stage.

Ms.K:  [heavy make-up, in a tube top]  Hiya, scrumptious.
       Do you want to ignite my drink?
Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
Ms.K:  Single parent, are we?
Homer: No!
Ms.K:  [lasciviously]  Well, let's pretend you are...
-- Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... ``Flaming Moe's''

% Homer tracks down Moe and asks him, ``How could you do this?''

If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
-- Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The waitress asks Moe if what Homer says is true.  The phone rings.

Moe:  [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine.  Last name Jass.  First name
Moe:  Uh, hold on, I'll check.  [calling]  Hugh Jass!  Somebody check the
      men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe:  Telephone.  [hands over the receiver]
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: [surprised]  Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister.  This is a crank call that
      sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right.  Better luck next time. [hangs up]  What a nice young man.
-- Nobody's perfect, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe explains to Homer that it's nothing personal. ``This is business.''
% Homer angrily tells Moe he's lost a customer, but he can't make himself
% heard over the crowd and Moe's cash register.  (``Yeah, you can use it!'')
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:16]

When the weight of the world has got you down
    and you want to end your life.
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
    and problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the tow'l,
    'cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's....            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
    can warm you like a hug.                    (Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''

Barney:    [comes into Flaming Moe's]
All:       Barney!
Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel?
Barney:    [belch]
-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''

% Harv returns and offers Moe $1 million for the drink, warning that
% their lab has nearly completed their analysis of the drink.

Brace yourselves, gentlemen.  According to the gas chromatograph, the
secret ingredient is...  Love!?  Who's been screwing with this thing!
-- Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe,
   ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe refuses.  ``The secret ingredient dies with me.''  Thirty cases
% of cough syrup are delivered, and Moe tries to laugh it off.
% Homer pays a visit to his new watering hole, a seedy run-down bar.
% Moe gets to be on TV.

Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield',
      a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street.
Moe:  The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the
-- Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, ``Flaming Moe's''

% Marge and Homer pay a visit to Lionel Hutz.

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz:  I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines]  Oh!
Hutz:  This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.
       How about that!  I looked something up!
       These books behind me don't just make the office look good,
       they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
-- The Great Hutzby, ``Flaming Moe's''

% At home...

Homer: [grumbles]  Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that
       something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: [sickly sweet]  Oh, look at me!  I'm making people happy!
       I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on
       Lollipop Lane!  [leaves the room, slamming the door]
       [pokes his head back in]  Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
       [closes the door]
Marge: Well, DUH!
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe and the waitress are in bed.

Now that's what I call a Happy Hour.
-- Moe in bed with the waitress, ``Flaming Moe's''

Woman: Morris, something troubles me.
Moe:   Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.
-- Moe and the waitress in bed, ``Flaming Moe's''

% The woman thinks Moe should sell the drink and give half the money to
% Homer.  Moe gives in, ``Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick
% once, it costs me half a million bananas!''
% At the breakfast table...

Homer: [mumbling]  Moe... Moe... Moe...
Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?
Bart:  Okay, but you promised me mo' money.
Marge: I mo, I mo.
Homer: [mumbling]  Moe... Moe... Moe...
Lisa:  When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies?  There's a moe-tinee.
Marge: Of course!  All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe.
Bart:  Moe moe moe moe moe?
Marge: Moe moe moe.
Lisa:  Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe.
Bart:  Moe-moe-moe moe.
Maggie: [removes her pacifier]  Moe.
-- Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), ``Flaming Moe's''

% Still mumbling, ``Moe... Moe..'', Homer wanders trance-like out into
% downtown Springfield, where everybody (even the women and the kids)
% are likenesses of Moe.  He falls down in the grass, and even the nearby
% daisies have Moe's face.  Homer screams in panic.
% At Moe's, Aerosmith are entertaining the customers, then realize that
% Joey is missing.

Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks]  Come and get 'em...
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

% Moe agrees to sell, and Harv confides that their usual method is merely
% to steal the recipe.  Before Moe can sign, a voice cackles from the rafters.
% It's Homer.  ``Fools!  You poor, pathetic misguided creatures...''  Despite
% Moe's attempt to stop him, Homer reveals the secret ingredient as cough
% syrup.  Harv quickly takes the contract and tears it up.  (``Thank you,
% Mister Nutball.'')  Laughing diabolically, Homer loses his balance and
% falls to the floor.  Says Barney, ``Holy cow!  You just fell on Aerosmith!''
% One week later, the town is filled with Flaming Moe's knockoffs.
% Moe invites Homer in.

Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
Moe:   Oh, she left to pursue a movie career.  Frankly, I think she
       was better off here.
-- ``Flaming Moe's''

% Homer apologizes for losing Moe a million dollars, and Moe says, ``Maybe
% some things are too good to be kept a secret.''  Moe gives Homer a
% Flaming Homer, compliments of the house.  ``Aw, thanks Moe.  You're the
% greatest friend a guy could ever have.
% Hey, you think Aerosmith will be in tonight?''  ``I doubt it.''
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:29]
% Aerosmith performs in lieu of the closing music.  [Time: 1:02]
Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1992 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the