Bart Star                                               Written by Donick Cary
                                                   Directed by Dominic Polcino
==============================================================================
Production code: 5F03                       Original Airdate on FOX: 09-Nov-97
Capsule Revision B (21-May-00, interim update 18-Dec-00)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" synopsis
==============================================================================
   None submitted.

   [If you use these summaries to determine if you found the right capsule,
   here's a TV Guide-like synopsis:  At a health fair, Springfield discovers
   their children are unfit, so a pee-wee football team, coached by Ned
   Flanders, is formed to remove those extra pounds. But soon enough, Ned
   hands the job over to Homer who thinks he can be a better coach.]

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:    I DID NOT INVENT IRISH DANCING

Couch gag:     Everyone sits on the couch and is crushed into a cuboid block,
               auto-crusher style.

==============================================================================
> Didja Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Flanders stuck up for himself, unlike usual?
   ... for some reason, Chief Wiggum didn't know who Nelson Muntz was (this
       was hardly his first offence), and didn't realise he'd actually
       taken in Bart Simpson (who's had his share of spotlight in the town)
       instead?

Don Del Grande:
   ... despite the fact that pee-wee football is supposed to get the kids into
       shape, none of the kids' shapes get any better?
   ... the football field lines are 10 yards apart instead of 5?  (Just like
       in 1F14)
   ... some of the uniform numbers (Janey, Rod) are "square" while others
       look like normal numbers?
   ... Nelson is wearing an old-fashioned helmet without a face mask?
   ... they're eating dinner in the kitchen?
   ... both Lisa and another player wore uniform number 1?
   ... when Lisa showed up, she was wearing shoulder pads, but no football
       pants, knee pads, or football shoes?
   ... there was no "Some Celebrity Voices Impersonated" listing in the
       credits like there was for 5F01?
   ... when Bart is shown on TV, Maggie's not wearing her hair ribbon?
   ... in the early morning scene, Maggie is wearing a white baggie?

Dave Hall:
   ... Mr. Van Houten is missing from the family portrait? (cf.4F04)
   ... Milhouse wears a bow tie in the family portrait?
   ... Lisa wore her dress under her football uniform?
   ... Otto is the scoreboard keeper?
   ... Bumblebee Man, in costume, sitting in the bleachers?
   ... Uter is missing a shoe?
   ... Ralph is placed in a leg cast?
   ... Nelson says "5F03, hut!"?
   ... Mr. Van Houten is sitting with Sanjay?
   ... Maggie's white sleeping baggie?
   ... Smithers was the event announcer at Springfield High School?
   ... Smithers excitement at men gymnastics?
   ... Lenny went out with Marge?
   ... Marge's Farrah Fawcett hairstyle in high school?
   ... the happy look Lisa has when reading "Greatest Sports Injuries"?
   ... Lisa has perfume?
   ... Nelson's left hand is bandaged up?
   ... one of the purple-haired twins has a crush on Bart?
   ... the family is having supper in the kitchen not the dinning room?
   ... we saw Maggie actually eating?
   ... Homer wasn't drinking a beer at dinner?
   ... Homer knows Burns'office phone number by heart?
   ... Nelson's mom works at Hooters?
   ... Sherry and Terri's mother sitting in the bleachers?
   ... Grampa wearing Bart's lucky red hat?
   ... the championship is against Capitol City?
   ... Chief Wiggum hauls Bart away in handcuffs?
   ... several people wearing red hats in this episode?

Jason Hancock:
   ... the Van Houtens' family portrait no longer includes Kirk?
   ... Hank is carrying his usual can of Alamo beer at the game, and Dale is
       smoking his usual cigarette?

Joe Klemm:
   ... Dr. Nick Rivera has a gender booth at the Health Fair?
   ... Milhouse kicks Bart's croutch five fives?
   ... Ralph wearing a cast during the first football game?
   ... Either Sherri or Terri has a crush on Bart?
   ... Milhouse pulling the jock strap out of his pants after he gets cut?
   ... Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer (of King of the Hill) sitting on the top
       bleachers in the Springfield/Arlen game?

Keith Mackler:
   ... at one point, Nelson says "5F03 hut" while waited to receive the ball?
       (I don't know the football terminology.)
       5F03 is the episode code.

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... the Hills' "guest appearance" in last week's preview doesn't quite
       match their appearance in the show?
   ... Brockman's "frenetic dancing" graphics showed the military guys
       dancing?
   ... Joe Namath's vapor-locked car is a late-model Mercedes E-Class (note
       the round headlamps)?
   ... someone managed to get "slut" and "skank" past the censors without
       drawing a "PG-L" rating?

Donni Saphire-Bernstein:
    ... we saw Namath's girlfriend in Bart's mind's eye, but not originally?
    ... Lisa was wearing a skirt, while the other girl football players (I 
        believe) were wearing pants?
    ... chalk up another homosexual innuendo by Smithers ("bring on the men!")

==============================================================================
> Voice credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, crazy old guy, Grampa Abe Simpson, Krusty)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Todd Flanders, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Sanjay, Sportacus clerk, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon,
        Chief Wiggum)
   - Harry Shearer (Dr. Hibbert, Rainier Wolfcastle, Kent Brockman, Ned
        Flanders, Smithers, Lenny)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Roy Firestone (himself)
   - Joe Namath (himself)
   - Mike Judge (Hank Hill)

- Also Starring
   - Maggie Roswell (Maude Flanders, Luanne VanHouten)
   - Russi Taylor (Uter, Martin Prince, Terri/Sherri)
   - Pamela Hayden (Rod Flanders, Janey Hagstrom)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + Bart Starr (quarterback)
      - title a pun on the name of this quarterback {bjr}

   + "Dark Star" (1973 science-fiction spoof directed by John Carpenter)
      - episode title {ma}

   + "Spartacus" (movie)
      - Sportacus store based on this 1960 gladiator movie {bjr}

   + "Simpsons Comics"
      - Springfield is criticized for its overweight citzens {lrc}
        (issue #1 --hmw)

   + "Happy Days" (long-running 70's TV show set in the 50's)
      - Lenny's shirt saying "Sit on it," a reference to the Fonz {ma}

   + "Good Times" (1970's TV sitcom)
      - Lenny says that Homer, as a gymnast, is "dy-no-mite," as J.J. Walker
        was made famous for saying {ma}

   + "Little Giants"
      - Lisa wanting to be the only girl player {lrc}
      - Lisa wearing a skirt with her jersey and pads {lrc}
      - a good player is cut or bench {lrc}
      - the coaches child quitting the team {lrc}

   + Revelation (Biblical scripture)
      - Rod's jersey number is "6", and Todd's is "66"; when they stand
        together, they form "666", or the Number of the Beast

   + "Fantastic Four" (comic book)
      - "It's clobberin' time" was the catchphrase of The Thing {bjr}

   + NBA ads (commercials)
      - "I love this game" {jk}

   + "The Brady Bunch" (movie)
      - Joe Namath helping a boy with his football skills {jk}

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [9F10], [3F11] Ogdenville is mentioned {jh}
- [1F08]  Marge's career as a slot jockey mentioned {bjr}
- [2F21]  ... as was her stint as a policewoman {bjr}
- [4F08]  ... let's not forget her foray into mobile pretzel retailing {bjr}
- [4F18]  ... or her turn as church counselor (Note that Mr. Cary references
          one of his own episodes) {bjr}
- [3F06]  Joe Namath appears (in flashback) {bjr}
- [3F23]  Looks like Homer's found a use for his Tom Landry hat {bjr}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun (FFF)
==============================================================================
- At the fair {bjr}

+----------------------+
|  FREE HEALTH FAIR    |
| WELCOME CHEAPSKATES! |
+----------------------+

+----------+
|   LUNG   |
| CAPACITY | (Selma was visiting this booth)
+----------+

     +----------+
     |  BLOOD   |
     | PRESSURE |
     +----------+

+----------------+
| ARE YOU CRAZY? | (Sideshow Mel and Kirk Van Houten here)
+----------------+

+-----------+
|  WHAT'S   |
| YOUR SEX? | (Dr. Nick, looking bored, mans this booth)
+-----------+

   +-------------+
   | Check Your  |
   | Cholesterol |
   +-------------+

+------------+
| FIT OR FAT | (with "FAT" in puffy letters)
+------------+

- At Sportacus {bjr}

   +---------+
   |  SMART  |
   |   SOX   |
   |         |
   |         |
   |[picture |
   | of sock]|
   |         |
   |SOLD HERE|
   +---------+

- At the radio show {bjr}

   +---------------+
   | SPORTS SPEW!  |
   |    WITH       |
   | ROY FIRESTONE |
   +---------------+


- Some people who were at the free Health Fair {dh}
   - Bart               - Lewis                - Richard
   - Crazy Old Man      - Lisa                 - Ruth
   - Dr. Hibbert        - Marge                - Sanjay
   - Dr. Marvin Monroe  - Martin               - Selma
   - Grampa Simpson     - Milhouse             - Sideshow Mel
   - Helen              - Mr. Van Houten       - Troy McClure
   - Homer              - Mrs. Glick           - Uter
   - Jasper             - Otto                 - Wendell
   - Krusty             - Rainier Wolfcastle   - Willie

- Some Booths at the Free health Fair {dh}
   - Lung Capacity (run by Selma)
   - Are You Crazy?
   - What's Your Sex? (run by Dr. Nick)
   - Check Your Cholesterol (run by Dr. Hibbert)
   - Hearing Test (run by Maude)
   - First Aid (run by Marge)
   - Fit or Fat? (run by McBain)

- My TWO CENTS with Kent Brockman {dh}

- SPORTS SPEW! With Roy Firestone {dh}

- Book: Greatest Sports Injuries
   (cover depicts a decapitated head of a football player {dh}

- Girls who play football {bjr}
   - Janey
   - Sherri
   - Terri
   - some girl who looks a little like Allison, but isn't her.

- Springfield's opponents (along with the game score, with Springfield 
  listed first) {bjr}

   - Ogdenville Wildcats (20 – 7)
   - Victory City (34 – 0)
   - Waynesport (0 – 59)
   - Arlen (28 – 3)
   - Capitol City (26 – 20)

- In the bleachers during the Ogdenville game {jh}
   - OFF (minus Bart)
   - Ruth Powers
   - Bumblebee Man
   - Kirk Van Houten
   - Cletus & Brandine
   - Clancy & Sarah Wiggum

- In the bleachers during the Victory City game {jh}
   - OFF (minus Bart)
   - Mr. & Mrs. Prince
   - Luanne Van Houten
   - Apu
   - Kirk Van Houten

- Crowd at the Arlen game {jh}
   - Front: Bobby Hill, Luanne Platter, Hank Hill, Peggy Hill
   - Back: Dale Gribble, Bill Dauterive, Boomhauer

- Springfield Wildcats {dh}:
    00 - Milhouse (cut)     10 - Richard        22 - ?? (cut)
    01 - Lisa (jammed out)  11 - Lewis          23 - ??
    02 - Nelson             12 - Martin (cut)   24 - ??
    03 - Bart               13 - Rudy (cut)     27 - ??
    03 - Sherri             14 - ??             28 - ??
    04 - Terri              15 - Bart           30 - ??
    05 - Wendell (cut)      16 - ??             31 - Janey (cut)
    06 - Todd               17 - Steven (cut)   34 - ??
    07 - Allison            18 - ??             44 - ??
    08 - Ralph              19 - ??             51 - ?? (cut)
    09 - Uter (cut)         20 - ??             66 - Rod (cut)

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
= The poster behind Marge at her first aid program has five ticks on it,
  but on a closer angle it only has four.

* Lisa teases Bart for being fat, yet she defended her overweight dad in 
  "King-Size Homer (3F05)."  (Possibly, her instinct to tease her brother
  overrode her instinct to protect the family.) {bjr}

* Despite Ned's use of the "whole nine yards" cliche, it takes _ten_ yards
  in football (for those not familiar with it) to make a first down. {jh}

= In Homer's floor exercise routine, music is played, but there is no music
  in mens' gymnastics. {ddg}

= During the first practice, Flanders was stood four marking lines away
  from the goal, and on the closeup he is only one markline away.

= Flanders' books change colors.

= The amount of spectator chairs vary between shots.

= Lewis was wearing the shirt with the number 4 on the back, but later on,
  either Sherri or Terri has number 4.

= The kids swap positions during practice.

= Just before the first game starts, Lewis has blonde hair. {ddg}

= The people in the crowd's seating positions change.

* I guess Springfield doesn't use the same rules as other states: none of the
  players are wearing mouthpieces, Nelson's helmet does not have a face mask
  (I know it's an "old-fashioned" helmet, but it's still illegal), and spiking
  the ball after a touchdown is illegal...but YOU tell Nelson that! {ddg}

= Technically, the Ogdenville score should be 26-7, but nobody bothered to
  update the scoreboard after the last touchdown. {bjr}

= The Hills are not drawn "Simpson-style".  Wasn't one of the things Matt
  Groening complained about when Jay Sherman "appeared" was that he was going
  to be drawn "Critic-style" rather than "Simpson-style"? {ddg}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  A solid piece of work, but not a great deal more than that.
   There were some unfortunately lame bits, but they were outnumbered by some
   very good gags. Neither Joe Namath nor Hank Hill had a big role in this
   one, but what they did do, they did well.  (B)

Bill Baldwin:  A good if not great episode. Worthy to be kept on tape with
   other Simpsons episodes.  (B-)

Joe Klemm:  Another episode that proves that Homer is an iddiot with him
   putting Bart as a quarterback and his cuts at the closing credits. However,
   the 70's gymnastics bit, Ralph's line to Bart, and the Cat Fight game were
   very clever.  (B+)

Keith Mackler:  The King of the Hill tie-in was great. I also liked the part
   where Ned tells Rod and Todd that football will keep them away from awful
   temptations...like rock music and girls. Ned's drivin us to Squaresville!
   Great episode.  (A-)

Jamey Powell:  A great episode. Dr. Riviera's booth was funny, Joe Namath
   talking about vapor lock was pretty funny, Lisa making that little crusade
   only to find that there was nothing to crusade about was really funny, and
   Homer cutting everybody in the credits was the funniest damn thing I've
   seen in years. The third act could have used some better jokes, but aside
   from that it's a classic.  (A-)

Doc Quack:  Did anyone else notice how superficial Lisa's lines where tonight?
   She only wanted to play football because she thought it was going to cause
   trouble!   As soon as she found out there were already girls on the team,
   she ran away. I've seen writers that couldn't handle Lisa before, but this
   time they were just plain wrong!
   A lackluster show with little to brighten it.  The much advertised KOTH
   section had been shown in promo's and last week's trailer, so there was
   nothing new there!   Too bad they didn't give the KOTH group at least one
   other sentence, so there could have been one line that was a surprise to
   us.
   The C..U..P.. joke was neither funny nor subtle.. The only people that will
   laugh at it, have either forgotten it, or never heard it before. Even then,
   it's likely to be a weak laugh.  (C-)

Mark Aaron Richey:  A rather unspectacular redo of [2F05] "Lisa on Ice", with
   Homer being an overbearing nice guy instead of an overbearing jerk (though
   he started out as a jerk).  We didn't really need another episode of a
   Simpson kid playing some competitive sport because Homer was goading
   him/her on.  Joe Namath was amusing, but couldn't the producers have come
   up with a quarterback that hadn't been retired for 25 years (were Troy
   Aikman, Brett Favre, Steve Young, and John Elway sick or something?)?  The
   KOTH was rather disappointing, maybe because Fox had stuck it in the
   commercial.  Besides, this is Springfield!  There's no way for any team
   from Springfield to be that good. (C+)

Benjamin Robinson:  When Donick Cary gets both characterization and plot
   structure right, then we are going to see a good episode.  Unfortunately,
   "Bart Star" is not that episode.  Homer was too much of a jerk for the
   first half, and Lisa's over-zealous appearance at the football field will
   make her fans squirm.  The basic concept and plot were good, but this was
   still a middling show.  (C)

Donni Saphire-Bernstein:  Another pretty good, not spectacular episode from
   what is shaping up to be quite a solid season so far. Homer and Marge's
   discusson of heckling "...fun too!," the entire health fair bit, and Lisa
   being rejected as revolutionary were all good classic simpsons stuff. It
   wasn't all good, though- Joe Namath's bizzare rant about vapor-whatever
   came off kind of like some of the terrible skits currently running on
   Saturday Night Live. But that glaring misstep was pretty much alone, as
   the pace seldom slackened and Homer came off as being the lovable guy we
   know he can be, in contrast to the unhinged jerk we saw last week.
   (B+)

TheAbman:  Easily the best of the season. The kids were VERY funny with
   excellent one-liners, and i liked how they each played a role in the plot
   based on their character. The storyline developed quite well, with Bart
   facing a realistic but interesting conflict. I really enjoyed how this ep
   ridiculed everything: the credits, the pointless guest star cameo, the
   health fair, the koth crossover, etc.  (A-)

Yours truly:  Reasonable. Characterization was bad in parts, but funny gags
   were a plus. I thought alot to the scene where Lisa wants to join the team
   so she can be the center of attention, but soon learns there are several
   other girls on the team.  (B)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Hey, ho, it's Broadway Joe!

Benjamin Robinson: Joe Namath was a football (not the soccer kind) quarterback
   famous for his brazen nature as much as his football skills.  His team, the
   New York Jets, was set to play in the Super Bowl, where practically nobody 
   gave him a snowball's chance in hell of winning.  Boldly, he guaranteed a
   win for his team -- and came through!  Off the field, he was a hearty
   partier (or had that reputation, anyway) and picked up the nickname,
   "Broadway Joe."  He is also noted for appearing in, of all things, a
   commercial for panty hose.  "If L'eggs (I think that was the brand) can
   make my legs look this good," he noted while modeling the product, "imagine
   what they can do for yours."  More recently, he has shown up in less
   controversial (but funny) ads for Nike's Zoom Air shoes.


>> "We crossed over into another series for this?"

Benjamin Robinson: Those of you who watch "The Simpsons" outside of the
   U.S./Canada market may not be familiar with the Arlen fan in the stands.
   The man who complained about driving two thousand miles was Hank Hill, of
   TV's "King of the Hill."  The patriarch of this animated series, Mike
   Judge, is also the man responsible for MTV's "Beavis and Butt-Head," 
   but several "Simpsons" alumni fill key positions on the new show.  
   Among them is Greg Daniels, who won an Emmy for "Lisa's Wedding 
   (2F15)," one of "The Simpsons" best episodes.  Given the personnel 
   sharing, and the fact that the two shows air back-to-back on Fox, a 
   crossover seemed inevitable.

   Sitting with Mr. Hill in the stands was wife Peggy, son Bobby, and 
   niece Luanne.  High up in the cheap seats are Hank's compadres: Dale, 
   Bill, and Boomhauer.  You might have noticed that the Hills don't have 
   the same amber-colored skin that most of the other people in 
   Springfield possess; instead, they appear the same way the do on their 
   home series.  That may have been a last-minute decision.  For the 
   promotion that Fox aired at the end of "The Cartridge Family (5F01)," 
   the Hills are all colored yellow -- and were decidedly strange looking 
   as a result.  I suspect I'm not the only one who had that opinion, and 
   the Hills were re-colored for the actual showing of this episode.


>> Irish dancing, eh?

Joe Klemm:  Irish dancing is a big craze in Europe and the United States.
   The whole craze began with Riverdance. Later, one of the members, Michael
   Flattley, had his own show called Lord of the Dance. (referring to this
   episode's chalkboard gag --hmw)


>> Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team!

Joe Klemm:  Last month, a girl made the news by becoming the kicker in a
   college football game. Even though his career lasted only one game, she
   broke the gender barrier in college football by becoming the first girl to
   play the sport.


>> Where is Springfield? The search continues.

Joe Klemm:  Springfield is 400 miles from Arlen, Texas.


>> If you get a Gatorade, everyone will want a Gatorade!

Jason Hancock:  The tradition of dumping Gatorade on winning coaches, I
   believe, began in 1987 when several New York Giants players doused their
   head coach, Bill Parcells, after they won the NFC Championship Game which
   earned them a trip to the Super Bowl.  (Parcells is now coaching New
   York's other team, the Jets.)


>> Roy Firestone

Jason Hancock:  Roy Firestone is an interviewer with ESPN (the cable sports
   network).  He hosted their "Up Close" series before Chris Myers replaced
   him about two years ago, but he still hosts their prime-time interview
   specials.


>> Homer the ass hole

Josh Lewis:  Perhaps I'm making too many allowances for Homer's behavior in
   this episode, but I have seeen Asshole Homer in many an episode and *I*,
   for one, thought that he was thankfully not around this time.
   As for the heckling, there are a few explanations here. First, there's the
   probability that Homer was heckling Flanders because he was jealous and HE
   wanted to be the coach. There's also the possibility there that it was a
   deliberate reference to the "Darryl!" taunt famous at Shea and then
   referenced in "Homer at the Bat" [8F13].
   However, I've come to believe that the best way to understand Homer is to
   realize that he works in fairly simple ways. I think it may simply be that
   he connects heckling to sports events, period. As the exchange goes, "It's
   easy to criticize." "Fun, too!" Just Homer having entertaining himself and,
   as usual, not realizing the course of his actions.
   On another note, I thought it was very nice to see Ned Flanders still has
   something of a personality again..


>> I'm Joe Namath. Good night!

George (thesnorks1@aol.com): I don't think some people got what was supposed
   to be funny about [Joe Namath's] part. This was supposed to be a take off
   of the old '70s sitcoms in which a famous role model would come on for a
   little cameo and do a little public service announcement.  I didn't think
   this part of last night's episode was funny by itself, but if you've seen
   some of these old shows, it seems kinda funny.


>> Who is Bart Starr?

Nathan Hartshorn: "Bart Starr" was (is) the name of the Green Bay Packers'
   starting quarterback for several years in the mid-1960's. Starr's Packers
   won the first two Super Bowls, and I believe Starr himself picked up an
   MVP award or two for his performance in the games.


The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Bad News Barts

==============================================================================
> Quotes and scene summary
==============================================================================
% The camera films a busy gathering with a health fair banner. Welcome,
% Cheapskates! There are many stalls, all featuring health-related activities.

Dr. Hibbert: Your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more
             concerned about your gravy level.
      Homer: Now, wait a second! You doctors have been telling us to drink
             eight glasses of gravy a day!
Dr. Hibbert: [infamous laugh] You're a little confused!
      Homer: Oh, confused, would we?
-- the jerk gear has kicked in, "Bart Star"

% Maude Flanders is doing hearing tests. Abe, Jasper and another old guy are
% sat at the table. 

  Maude: OK, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone.
Old guy: You can't tell me what to do.
-- at the health fair, "Bart Star"

% Maude puts on the tone, it is pretty high pitch. 

Abe: Nothing yettt. 

% It gets very high and passers by start gasping and covering their ears.
% The unnamed old guy raises his hand, but Abe shakes his head and he puts
% his hand down again. Meanwhile, Marge is doing her own first aid thing. 

 Marge: [rehearsed] Now, make no mistake. When I say 'first aid', I'm not
        talking about I'm not talking about some sort of.. charity rock
        concert. [laughs] [beat] [serious] I'm talking about treating
        serious injuries! 
        [the crowd roars in laughter]
Krusty: Serious injuries (writes it down), ooh, thats gold!
-- Marge's unit of the health fair, "Bart Star"

% A short and lame demo begins. Lisa walks onto the small stage with a
% bear trap around her leg. Marge says she needs some first aid. The
% crowd, easily impressed as they are, cheer.

% Rainier Wolfcastle is hosting a 'fit or fat' program. Uter is struggling
% to do one sit-up. 

Wolfcastle: Come on! You can't do one sid-up?
      Uter: I loved your last McBain movie, Mr Wolfcastle!
Wolfcastle: Quit stalling, fatty.
-- so this is how they treat their fans, "Bart Star"

% A female assistant is about to see how fat Milhouse is. He holds his
% breath and sucks in his stomach. She measures. At this point, Rainier
% appears and sees what Milhouse is up to.

We can wait. [Milhouse breaths out. He is pretty fat.] Come to papa!
[Wolfcastle slaps a 'fat' sticker on Milhouse's stomach.]
-- Rainier Wolfcastle, "Bart Star"

% Wolfcastle walks along. Everyone is struggling to touch their toes.

Come on! Even my fat mama can touch her toes.
-- Rainer Wolfcastle, "Bart Star"

[Bart is in front of Martin. His shorts rip.]
Hey, Bart! We wear the same underpants!
-- Oh cool! Martin, "Bart Star"

% Wolfcastle puts a fat sticker on Bart.
% Some other time, at the Simpsons home, the family are watching the news.
% Bart eats a Pop Tart. "Results from yesterdays Health Fair is in, and the
% news is not good. Springfield is in terrible shape. Particulary our young
% boys." [Bart appears on the screen. His shorts rip.] Everyone laughs exept
% Bart.

 Lisa: Hey, Tubby! Want another Pop Tart, Tubby?
 Bart: I'm comfortable with the way I am.
Homer: [full mouth] You're a disgrace to this family. [gets another Poptart]
-- "Bart Star"

 Kent: This reporter's opinion is for our lard-laden lads to shape up. Get
       out and try fun activities like military service, franetic dancing,
       or good old fasioned pee-wee football.
Homer: There you go, Bart! Pee-wee football will melt away those unsightly
       pounds and inches.
 Bart: Yeah, but I could get seriously hurt!
Homer: Then its settled.
-- family values, "Bart Star"

% At the Flanders house, Rod, Todd and Ned are sat on the couch.

Todd: We don't have to play football, do we, daddy?
 Ned: Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations
      like rock music and girls.
Both: Yaaay!
-- the Flanders flock, "Bart Star"

% At the Van Houtens, Luanne and Milhouse are sat down.

  Luanne: You know, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy.
Milhouse: Oooh! Can't I just have the surgery?
-- "Bart Star"

% Marge and Bart are at Sportacus choosing equipment for Bart's new hobby,
% Pee-Wee Football. Marge is stood at the counter, speaking to the clerk
% about the items Bart will be needing.

Marge: He's going to need, uh... you know, protection.
  Guy: Sure... one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more of... protection... down there (points down).
  Guy: Oh, why didn't you say so? Kneepads. You got it.
Marge: [very nervouse laugh] I'm talking about his [muffling] personal area.
  Guy: Ah ha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulderpads.
Marge: Look... I wanna cup.
  Guy: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my God!
-- the ol' town pervert, "Bart Star"

% Bart comes out of the changing room wearing his football gear. He looks
% confident in his new kit, and challenges Milhouse.

 Bart: OK, Milhouse, lets try out the new cup.
       [kick]
 Bart: Ha ha! Again.
       [kick]
 Bart: [yawn]
       [kick]
       [kick]
       [kick]
       [KICK]
Marge: Milhouse, stop that!
-- it's every mother's worst nightmare, "Bart Star"

% Later on, on the football field. There is the team and Ned Flanders,
% the team's coach. The team are practicing their throwing.

   Ned: A little higher, Wendell.
        [throw]
        Alot higher, Martin.
        [throw] 
        Ralph, thats a basketball..
        [heavy throw, hits Flanders]
        [oooof]
        OK! Nelson's our quarterback. 
Nelson: Thanks, four-eyes.
-- Okely dokely, "Bart Star"

  Ned: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph: I'm special!
-- Pee-Wee Football, "Bart Star"

   Ned: And Bart, you'll be our tackle.
  Bart: Cool!
        [jumps on Martin's back]
Martin: Careful, Bart. You might break my calculator... by which I mean
        my head.
-- playing football, "Bart Star"

 Lisa: [Lisa appears at the gate, with one of her trademark confrontations]
       What position have you got for me?
       [crowd gasps]
 Lisa: Thats right. A girl want to play football. How about that.
  Ned: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the
       team.
 Lisa: [let down] You do?
  Ned: Ah huh. But we'd love to have you onboard!
 Lisa: Well... football's not really my thing... after all... what kind of
       civilised person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?!
  Ned: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
Janey: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
 Lisa: [crying] I've gotta go!
-- sugar for Lisa-haters, [insert gross food name here] for Lisa-lovers,
   "Bart Star"

% It's the day of the team's first game, and the kids are getting ready,
% psyching themselves up with their coach, Ned Flanders.

Ned: Who are we?
All: The Wildcats!
Ned: Who are we gonna beat?
All: The Wildcats!
-- I hate those Wildcats so much! "Bart Star"

Homer: [from croud] Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has
       ever had!
Marge: He's the only coach this team has ever had... and the season hasn't
       even started yet!
Homer: [defeated] Yeah, well... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
-- Cained. "Bart Star"

Marge: You know, Homer, its very easy to critisise.
Homer: Fun, too.
-- ... and alt.tv.simpsons was born, "Bart Star"

Ned: OK, Wildcats, are you ready to give 110%, take it one game at a time
     and go the whole nine yards?
All: Yeah!
Ned: Okely Dokely, lets put on our game faces!
     [they all make wide smiles]
-- teaching football, the Flanders way, "Bart Star"

% Uter kicks the ball. It goes to the opposite team.

Player: Got it!
Nelson: Give me the ball!
        [frightened, the player gives Nelson the ball]
        And your lunch money!
        [and the lunch money too]
-- in the football game, "Bart Star"

% Nelson runs along pushing everyone over. He scores.
% Nelson dances a jig, catching Marge's eyes. Homer yells obscenities at
% Flanders. Meanwhile, Nelson decides that Bart is going to be his shield
% for his next plan. Bart agrees, and runs into the opposite team, who
% repel him with ease. Nelson comes to the rescue and grabs Bart, using
% him as both a weapon and a shield, and scores the final goal.
% The Wildcats have won. They are celebrating. Rod pours a drum of Gatorade
% onto Flanders' head.

I'm special!
-- Ralph Wiggum, "Bart Star"

[the team carry Ned, cheerfully]
Big deal. I've been carried out of Moes like that hundreds of times.
-- Not too jealous. Homer, "Bart Star"

% Cut to the Simpsons home, where Homer is on the telephone to someone.

Homer: Ah, I'm telling you. Flanders can't coach at all. I'm not the type
       to have a grudge for no reason--
       [the camera cuts to a radio studio, where Roy Firestone is sat
        with Sandy Koufax.]
  Roy: [he is on the radio] Sir, can I just break in for a moment?
Homer: [impatient] Yes, Roy.
  Roy: Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?
Homer: Yes. Mr. Koufax, don't you think Flanders is a big jerk?
       [Roy hangs up, leaving Homer the dreaded dial tone.]
Homer: Yellow? Yellow?
       [redials radio number]
Homer: Yeah, Homer again. I think we got cut off.
       [dial tone]
Homer: Yellow?
       [redials number]
-- he just don't get it, "Bart Star"

% Cut to another Wildcats game.
% The Wildcats seem to be having a successful game. Everyone is cheering.

Homer: Flaaaaaandeeers! Flaaaaaaaaandeeeers! Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What!?
Homer: [looks confused] [beat] Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What? What is it?!
Homer: Games out there! Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
  Ned: [pfff] Mmmmmm! They're just words, Neddy. Words can't hurt you!
       [Homer throws a beer can. It hits Ned on the head.]
  Ned: Oooow! Thats it!
 Lisa: Dad, that was really mean!
Homer: I know, sweety, and I got him right in the... uh oh..
       [Flanders is storming towards him. He stands glaring at Homer.]
       [nervously] Heh heh heh... hi, Flanders. Go Wildcats!
  Ned: Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?
Homer: No! No! No no no. Its just that... well... like I was yelling
       earlier... seems like... anyone with half a brain can coach better
       than you.
  Ned: Uh huh! Half a brain, huh? Well, you know what? Sounds like you just
       volenteered!
       [puts cap on Uomer's head and gives him the memo board]
Homer: Me? But you were doing such a great job!
-- Homer the ass hole, "Bart Star"

% The next morning, Lisa walks out her bedroom, looking tired.
% She starts walking down the stairs, but for some reason there are car
% tyres scattered down the steps. She trips down them.

Homer: You're not gonna make the team with that kind of attitude!
       [Homer is wearing a hat, Marge's self defence whistle, some brown
       shorts, and a shirt]
 Lisa: I don't want to make the team!
Homer: Then why are you running the obsticle course?
Marge: Are you wearing my self defense whistle?
Homer: You never use it!
Marge: Hmmmmm...
-- such an idiot, "Bart Star"

% Bart slides down the bannister in a good mood and whistling. 

 Bart: Good morning, everybody!
Homer: Wipe that smile off your face.
 Bart: What did I do?
Homer: I'm tired of watching you dogging on that football field! From now
       on I'm gonna work you like a dog! Now go fetch me twenty laps!
 Bart: Oh, man!
Homer: Do it!
-- he gets worse every minute, "Bart Star"

% Bart is running round the garden. Marge and Homer are at the window.

Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer: Well, if you know a better way for me to live through your son, then
       I'd like to hear it.
-- that's not the way to lose weight, "Bart Star"

% Bart is slowing down and breathing heavily. Homer scaulds him, but Marge
% scaulds Homer back, and reminds him of the days when his father wasn't
% nice to him during sports.

% Flashback to about 1972. Homer is young, and he is wearing a male kind of
%  leatard thing. He is about to do some aerobics. 

Smithers: Now, thats the end of the girl's full exercise. Now, lets bring
          on the men!
   Homer: Wish me luck, dad!
     Abe: Just don't screw up like you always do.
-- "Bart Star"

% Homer does his aerobics to some music. Lenny and Marge watch from the
% audience, both impressed by his skills. Homer is about to do his final
% piece, but he passes by Abe, who says "you're gonna blow it!"
% distracting Homer and driving him to the floor mat.

Ah! Thats what I get for having faith in you!
-- Abe, after not having faith in Homer, "Bart Star"

% Back to the present.

[whimper] My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same
mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.
-- Homer, "Bart Star"

% Homer asks Bart for a hug, but Bart thinks it's going to be a trick, so
% he runs like the wind. A chase around the garden ensues. Bart throws
% things in Homer's path to avoid the hug.

% The team are finishing today's practice.

Good practice, kids. Now its time for the easiest part of any coach's job.
The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a
lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I
like your hussle [Steven smiles]. Thats why it was so hard to cut you
[Steven's smile drops]. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!
[random sighs of relief] Except you, you and you.
-- Homer, "Bart Star"

Martin: Bart didn't get cut. What a surprise.
 Homer: Now, just because I'm his father, he will get no special treatment.
        He calls me coach just like everyone else. Which he'll be doing, as
        our new starting quarterback!
-- "Bart Star"

% Much to the team's, including Bart's, protest, Homer's decision of Bart
% being the new quarterback is final. He sends the team away and cuts Rod.

% The next day, Homer, Lisa and Bart are in the car. Lisa is in the back
% reading a book, "Sports Greatest Injuries", while Bart is sat in the
% front passenger seat.

 Bart: But I can't play quarterback! I don't even know how!
Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
 Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Now, how about that hug.
       [Homer completely dismisses his driving and hugs Bart.]
 Bart: Dad! The car!
 Lisa: [driving, looking unamused] I got it.
-- child prodigy, "Bart Star"

% It's the day of Homer's first game as coach. Flanders walks by.

  Ned: Good luck, Homer. No hard feelings!
Homer: Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders?
-- "Bart Star"

% The team scrum, and Bart takes the ball but is drove away by the
% opposing team, who land a score. Homer tries to encourage Bart, but
% when Bart gets the ball again, he doesn't know who to pass to. He
% looks at his fellow team, but he's running out of time.

Excellent play, son. You panicked, but you didn't loose your cool.
-- Homer, "Bart Star"

% Nelson tells Bart to just throw the ball, so he does. Nelson catches
% it, and the opposing team pile up on top of Bart.

 Homer: Great debut, son. You really settled in after some early jitters.
  Bart: Are you kidding? I reaked.
 Homer: Oh, really? Do reaky players get the game ball? Hey, everybody!
        Lets hear it for Bart!
        [silence]
  Bart: [meekly] Give me a B?
Nelson: I won't give you a B but I'll tear you a new A!
-- we're all friends here, "Bart Star"

If I wasn't your friend, I'd tell you you sucked!
-- Milhouse to Bart, "Bart Star"

You ruined our undefeated season! You ruined everything, ruiner! [beat]
[childishly] My sister likes you!
-- Terri, "Bart Star"

Nelson: Listen here, Daddy's Boy. You cost us one more game and you're
        dead.
        [pushes Bart into mud]
 Ralph: You're going to heaven!
-- How reassuring, "Bart Star"

% That night, Bart is in his garden working on his skills. He's trying
% to throw the ball through the tire swing, but keeps missing the
% target. The ball hits him on the head.

      Bart: Its gonna take a miracle for me to become a good quarterback!
Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
      Bart: Wow! Joe Namath!
Joe Namath: Thats right. My car broke down in front of your house.
      Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think maybe you could give
            me some pointers?
Joe Namath: Sure! Theres only one thing you need to know to be a great
            quarterback.
Mrs Namath: Joe, hunny, I fixed it! It was just vapor lock!
Joe Namath: OK, look, I've gotta run. Remember what I told you!
-- only in the cartoons, "Bart Star"

% Mr. Namath leaves, and Bart is left with unhelpful memories of what Joe
% Namath said. All he can remember is Namath telling him there's only one
% thing you need to know to be a great quarterback, and that his car had
% vapor lock. Bart decides he's dead.

% Bart's last resort for advice is Lisa. He's in her room telling the story.

Bart: So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting
      Homer down. What am I gonna do?
Lisa: Well, I know you don't wanna dissapoint dad, but how do you fell
      about lying to him?
Bart: Good.
-- "Bart Star"

% Before the game the next day.

       [Bart walks up wearing a cast and lots of bandages.]
 Bart: Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she?
-- not exactly, "Bart Star"

  Bart: No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today.
  Girl: Yes!
 Homer: Oh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my backup plan. Nelson, hows
        your arm feeling?
Nelson: Great!
 Homer: Good. Take this note over to the referee.
Nelson: We forfeit?
-- change of plan, "Bart Star"

% Homer tries to convince the team that they can't play without Bart. They
% all disagree, including Bart. Had enough, Bart throws his fake medical
% aids to the ground.

    Bart: You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid
          quarterback! I quit!
   Homer: What? [beat] Well I've got news for you, mister! You can't quit!
          You're cut! [beat] You too, Milhouse.
Milhouse: [happy] Alright!
          [removes cup, throws to ground]
-- Happy days! "Bart Star"

% That night, our favorite family are sat at the dinner table eating.

   Marge: So like I said, I never had a kip burn in so deep! The little
          guy's just got a mind of its own.
    Lisa: Mum, please. We're eating!
   Marge: Well, at least I'm making conversation.
    Bart: May I be excused, mom?
   Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
   Marge: Homer, please.
   Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter. It must have been you. You
          quit every job you've ever had. Cop, pretzel vender, church
          counseller, professional gambler.
   Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
   Homer: Well, if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job!
          [Homer walks over to the phone and dials Mr. Burns' number.]
Mr Burns: Ahoy hoy?
   Homer: Mr Burns? This is Homer J Simpson, the father of the big quitter!
          Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I
          quit!
          [Homer winks twice.]
   Marge: Homer, Mr Burns can't see you winking.
   Homer: So--
          [screams, hangs up phone.]
-- "Bart Star"

% It's at the game, and Nelson is in mid-field. He has the ball. He tells
% his team-mates to go long, but to no avail, so he decides to do it
% for himself. He throws the ball ahead of him, runs forward, and catches
% it before it hits the ground.

[exhausted] I've gotta quit smoking.
-- Nelson, playing football, "Bart Star"

We drove 2000 miles for this?
-- `King of the Hill's Hank Hill at a pee-wee ball game, "Bart Star"

% Homer congratulates the team as they're now in the finals, and hugs
% Nelson (who steals some money from Homer's wallet while at it).
% Nelson's dad pulls up on a motorcycle, and Nelson hops on the back.

Nelson's Dad: Great game, son. I'm taking you to Hooters!
      Nelson: I don't wanna bother mom at work.
-- "Bart Star"


% Homer realises he's all on his own, and lifts up the drum of
% Gatorade and pours it over himself.

% The next day, Bart is at the Kwik-E-Mart playing an arcade game.
% Homer enters.

Homer: I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy
       floating in it? Some Skittle.. you know.
  Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed
       it.
Homer: Oh. Then just give me a six pack and a couple of packets of
       Skittles.
-- "Bart Star"

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to
       encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you
       forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
       [Bart looks unconvinced.]
       I've got lots of quarters...
       [Bart smiles.]
 Bart: This thing only takes dollars!
-- father to son, "Bart Star"

% Homer and Bart embrace.

Homer: Ah. You know, tomorrows the championship game and we could sure use
       some good defensive tackle.
 Bart: Well, I thought Uter took my place!
Homer: Consider him cut.
-- "Bart Star"

% The next day is the big day -- the championship game! Homer is sat with
% Grampa Abe Simpson in the crowd.

Marge: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty
       proud of your son!
  Abe: You'd think so, wouldn't you!
       [pulls cap's bill over eyes, begins snoring.]
-- at the game, "Bart Star"

Nelson: Time for one last play, coach!
 Homer: Hold on, I'm working it out..
        [Homer is looking at one of those really old football games where
        an electronic board holds players that vibrate to move the ball.]
        OK. After you vibrate that way, you can fall down. Nelson, you just
        spin around in a circle.
-- Mmmmm... tactical, "Bart Star"

% A police car parks, and Chief Wiggum opens the door and steps out.

Chief Wiggum: OK, I've got an arrest here for Nelson Muntz! Which one of
              you punks is Muntz?
       Homer: Oh no! My quarterback! What are we gonna do?
              [Bart appears on the scene, equipped in his football gear.]
        Bart: Its OK, dad. I can fill in for Nelson.
       Homer: Are you sure, son? I knew I could count on you!
              [moments later, Bart is sat in the back of the police car.]
-- I betcha didn't see that one coming! "Bart Star"

        Bart: So, whats the charge, Chief? Vandalism, smoking?
Chief Wiggum: You know what you did, Muntz! Burglery and arsen. You're
              going away for a long time.
        Bart: Wha--?
-- oops, "Bart Star"

% The police car drives past Joe Namath, who ends the episode with his
% thoughts.

Heh heh. Poor Bart. You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But, theres
nothing funny about... vapour lock. Its the third most common cause of
stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe
Namath. Good night!
-- Joe's final thought, "Bart Star"

% The instant before the credits begin rolling, Joe Namath looks
% startled. Another mystery into the Simpsons collection, but that's
% another story.

Homer's voiceover on the credits

Scully, you're cut. Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta,
gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria, Shearer,
you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of
those people are cut. Johnson, Wolfe and Silverman are all cut. Goldfire,
O'Brien gone. Cut, Elliot, I don't know what you're doing here because
you're all cut. Pietela, Kuwahaha. Theres so many cuts here, look, I'll
just post them up and you see where your name is. Look how many cuts there
are there. Woah boy! You're cut. All of you! You're cut. I cut you!
[Gracie Films logo, "shhhhh"]
You're cut too, shusshy!

==============================================================================
> Key to contributors
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dh}  Dave Hall
{jh}  Jason Hancock
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{lrc} lucee9@yahoo.com
{ma}  Matthew Anscher

==============================================================================
> Legal mumbo jumbo
==============================================================================
[5F03] capsule copyright 2000, Hari Michael Wierny, and The Simpsons Archive.
(The quotes remain the property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the
property of their respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.) Not to be redistributed in public forum without the permission
of the author. Quotes and scene summary transcribed by yours truly.

Sincere thanks go to Benjamin Robinson, who supplied the a.t.s. archives when
needed.

Note: I made a capsule for this episode way back in late '97, I believe. That
was before my sensai (Benjamin Robinson) taught me the ways of the episode
capsule compiler. I sent it to Gary Goldberg hoping to get a spot on the
capsules maintaining team... but it took a whole other one and a half years
before I got anywhere.  Today's product -- minus the quotes and scene summary
-- is a whole new capsule.