[1F10] Homer and Apu

Homer and Apu                                           Written by Greg Daniels
                                                      Directed by Mark Kirkland
Production code: 1F10                       Original airdate in N.A.: 10-Feb-94
                                                  Capsule revision I, 22-Feb-97

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
              I will not go nea/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- Recycled

Couch      :- One at a time, Homer, Bart, Marge, and Lisa pop their
              heads up from behind the couch.  After a short delay,
              Maggie pops up from between the cushions.

Did you notice...

    ... the ambulance license plate is "SLIP"?

Dave Hall:
    ... there is more than one package of expired ham?
    ... there appear to be food stamps in Apu's cash-register?
    ... Homer is hooked up to a heart monitor?  (Why a heart monitor?)
    ... Patty & Selma aren't smoking?
    ... the bite out of the "BITE BACK" sign?
    ... Kent Brockman's awards in his office?
    ... Apu isn't wearing his normal clothes until after he gets fired?
    ... Apu holds Homer's towel with pinkies extended?
    ... the satellite dish on top of the Indian Airport?
    ... Apu carries all the gear for Homer and him?
    ... the bell on the sliding doors of the first Kwik-E-Mart palace?
    ... Maggie crawls to the front door to see her daddy?

Don Del Grande:
    ... according to the electrocardiogram (EKG), Homer's heart rate is
        less than 60 beats per minute?
    ... when the dog is barking on TV, it's usually one word per bark,
        but the two words "KENT BROCKMAN" appear together in one bark
        rather than two?
    ... the wall on the side of the dumpster area at the Kwik-E-Mart has
        some "El Barto" graffiti in cursive script?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (29c stamp man, Homer, Barney, Abe, robber)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty, "Monster!" woman)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Apu, Twinkie man, voiceover on "Bite Back", man with
      bad neck, bum, comedian, drowning man)
    - Harry Shearer ($2 gas man, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Inspector,
      man on loudspeaker, Hare Krishna, train announcer)
- Special Guest Voice
    - James Woods (himself)
- Also Starring
    - Michael Carrington (Master)
    - Pamela Hayden (Martin, Jimbo, Kwik-E-Mart woman)

Movie (and other) references

  + "Fight Back"
    - Kent Brockman's show similar to David Horowitz's
  + "JFK" {mw}
    - "No way, man!  Get yourself another patsy, man!" like Danny DeVito
  + "Dune"
    - Lisa saying "I can see through time" (see below)
  + "The Hard Way"
    - James Woods becoming a convenience store clerk for a movie, like
      Michael J. Fox becoming a cop in the movie
  + "The Shining"
    - tide of cranberry juice same as blood pouring from elevator
  + Cranberry commercials
    - stupid dialog by drowning guy
  + Kern & Hammerstein's "Show Boat" {cf}
    - Apu sings "because, to tell the truth, I do" the same way as
    "Flame Over India" {aw}
    - shot of train with many passengers clinging to outside of cars
  + "Lawrence of Arabia" {rc}
    - shots of Homer and Apu traveling together
  + "In the Line of Fire"
    - Apu jumping in front of James Woods similar to Clint Eastwood
      jumping in front of the president

Previous episode references

- [8F01] "Oversized novelty check" presented to essay contest winner
- [8F21] A character loses his job and lives with the Simpsons {rl}
- [8F22] "Oversized novelty billiard ball" (c.f. oversized novelty hat
  in 1F10)
- [9F15] Homer with sugardaddy stuck to his back (c.f. lollipop on chest
  in 1F10)
- [9F15] Abe and his stories that doesn't go anywhere
- [1F02] Homer's fear of bees

Freeze frame fun

- In the Kwik-E-Mart: {rc}
    - Ham, Exp.  FEB 6, 1989
    - Bargain Table, Any Item 10c
        - Rotted apple
        - Old bananas
        - Can of soup (note that sides are all bulging)
        - Expired ham
    - Ask about our fried pickles
    - Do _not_ accept _checks_from_:
        - Chief Wiggum
        - Reverend Lovejoy
        - Homer J. Simpson
        - Homer S. Simpson
        - H. J. Simpson
        - Homor Simpson
        - Homer J. Fong
    - NO
        - Checks
        - Credit Cards
        - Food Stamps
- "Bite Back with Kent Brockman and His Channel 6 Consumer Watchdog
  Unit", 555-6425 {rc}
    - 6425 spells "NICK" in the American lettering system
- "Monstromart - Where shopping is a baffling ordeal" {rc}
    - Fun Size Flakes
    - Big Mayo
    - Even Bigger Chips
    - Rice
    - Poodle Bones (?)  (some kind of dog bones...)
    - Nutmeg - Economy Size (12 pounds)
    - Duff Beer (20 gallon barrel)
    - Peptic Bismol
    - Pancake Syrup
    - Cranberry Juice
    - Express Lane - 1000 Items or Less
- At the first convenience store ever: {rc}
    - "The master knows all except combination to safe"
       _  ____________________
      / \ |  /  | |   /|  /  |
       _/ |  \ -| |  __|  |  |
        \ |   \ | | (  |  |  |
      \_/ \ \_/ | |    |  |  /

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

Since when does the Kwik-E-Mart sell gasoline?  {ra}

The price of bargain table items is originally 50c.  (This in itself
seems odd given the rest of their prices.)  Anyways, it changes to 10c,
15c, 10c and finally 15c.  {ra}

Homer appears to eat all of the ham in the package at the Kwik-E-Mart,
but he's eating more ham at home.  (There is more than one package of
ham dated February 6, 1969, but that was the only one in the bargain
pile.)  {ddg}

After Apu has his nametag ripped off of his uniform by the Kwik-E-Mart
big cheese, there is about a second or two where Apu appears to be
missing his moustache.  {tdf}

Channel 6 studios are very different from Bart Gets Famous.  {ra}

The usual door mat is missing from front steps when Apu is in the front
yard.  {dh}

Apu sees Homer in TV room through the front bay-window.  The TV room
should be at the back of the house.  {dh}

It's raining when Apu first arrived at OFF's house.  After the
commercial break, it's no longer raining.  {gpm}

Jimbo's candy disappears.  {dh}

The lollipop should've been visible while Homer is getting out of the
shower.  {ra}

The Monstro Mart aisle changes width.

Lisa's new musical instrument only appears when needed.  {dh}

A plate of food disappears from kitchen table.  {dh}

Family usually doesn't eat dinner in the kitchen.  {dh}

How do Homer and Apu get off the cliff and get to the airport?  {ra}

The Kwik-E-Mart doors say push, but open automatically to the sides.

The Kwik-E-Mart has a no-checks policy, but also a "Don't accept checks
from:" list.  {ra}

The plane that Homer and Apu is way too small for such a flight.  {ra}

Didn't the Kwik-E-Mart used to have aisles?  {ra}

The fence is on a different side of the Kwik-E-Mart when Apu is on OFF's
roof.  {ra}

The tear in Homer's pants is on his left leg when he returns home, but
on the right while he is in India.  {ra}

Marge pulled the "Lucky Charms" out of thin air.  {dh} We shouldn't have
be able to see the TV room from behind Marge when she mentioned the
"Lucky Charms".  {dh}


Ron Carter: [B-] Good solid Simpsons fun, except for the jarring guest
    appearance by James Woods; what was that?  As always, I love the
    musical numbers, and "Who Need the Kwik E Mart" was no exception.
    The Monstromart gag wasn't explored as much as it should have, but
    overall plot was good.

Rakesh Agrawal: One of the best episodes I have seen in a long time.
    Apu's song was great.  And the airport scene had me ROTF.  A lot of
    surprises, and good old Abe shows up at least twice.  The dog
    barking was as annoying as the eyebrows (Homer the Vigilante) and
    repetition (Bart Gets Famous).  (I liked the rakes.)  A.

Peter Vachuska: I thought that Homer and Apu was good and above average.
    For most of the episode Homer was his "normal" self -- spontaneous,
    not too bright, but having a big heart.  Only in the "I'm not your
    patsy" scene with Ken Brockman did he step out of character.

Carl Mueller: (Re: that dog barking) I'm sorry, but that was one of the
    funniest things I have ever seen.  This episode was great.

Joey Berner: Well, I liked this one!  I guess I'll have to give it a
    "B".  The plot was good, although I really wanted to see a little
    more of India.  For all the advertising they did on "Homer Goes to
    India" he only seemed to be there for about two minutes!!  All in
    all, a good episode with some funny lines.

Carl Frank: Good episode.  A trifle slow in the middle portion.  James
    Woods was great, but seemed almost an afterthought, plot-wise.  I
    thought they should have done more in India - merely having Homer
    blow it with with guru was too easy.  And with the ending, like last
    week, I thought "they're toying with us!"  Overall rating: B.

Thorsten Daum: I loved the show.  It had everything good comedy needs,
    drama, exotic places and Apu singing was hilarious.

Yours truly: The episode seemed disjointed (shades of 1F02).  But Apu's
    song was outstanding, and a big thank you to James Woods for
    rescuing what might have been a below-average episode.  I give it a

Comments and other observations

"Dune" reference

In "Dune", there is a substance called Spice which, explains Reuven Bell
    {rb}, "loosened the time boundaries in one's own mind, giving
    certain individuals (the navigators of the Spacing Guild) a limited
    prescience, and giving Paul Muadib the ability to see everywhere
    throughout time and space."  Lisa's comment seems like a reference
    to this, given that she answered the question "Is it too spicy?"

Barney and the syrup

Gary Meadows says Barney talking to the giant syrup bottle reminds him
    of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup.  "She used to do commercials in which
    she came to life and spoke and moved around."

Frank Lloyd Wright

He was an American architect who lived from 1867-1959.

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]

Apu handles the customers in his customary fashion at the Kwik-E-Mart.

 Man 1: I need one 29-cent stamp.
   Apu: That's $1.85.
 Man 2: I'll have $2.00 worth of gas, please.
   Apu: $4.20.
Martin: How much is your penny candy?
   Apu: [cheerful] Surprisingly expensive!
-- Apu the cheerful convenience store employee, "Homer and Apu"

The customers mutter to themselves and walk out, disgruntled.  One of
the customers grabs a Twinkie on the way out and twists it up
vengefully, exclaiming "This is what I think of your store!"  He throws
it on the floor in disgust and walks out.  "Silly customer!"  Apu calls
after him, "You cannot hurt a Twinkie."  He picks it up and it pops back
into shape.  Satisfied, Apu puts it back.

He notices a smell somewhere, and he sniffs over to its source: a bag of
ham saying, "Exp.  Feb. 6, 1989".

  Apu: Jiminy Cricket!  Wooh, expired ham.  [scribbles over the expiry
       Oh, this time I have gone to far.  No, no one will fall for --
Homer: Woo hoo!  Cheap meat!  [picks it up] Ooh, this one's open.
       [starts eating it]
-- No ham too rancid, "Homer and Apu"

At home on the couch, Homer continues devouring the expired ham, but his
stomach begins to rebel.

[eats ham, but his stomach groans]
 [eats some more]
Bowels...clenching!  Not much time...must...finish...[eats some more]
-- Homer battles the expired ham, "Homer and Apu"

The ambulance rushes him to the hospital.

Hibbert: Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting
         spoiled food, or, heh heh, some sort of voodoo curse.
  Patty: Hey: we've just been working the eyes.  [holds up a Homer doll
         with pins in the eyes]
-- That explains the poor vision, "Homer and Apu"

Incensed, Homer returns to the Kwik-E-Mart to have it out with Apu.

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
  Apu: Oh, I'm so sorry.  [gets a pail of shrimp] Please accept five
       pounds of frozen shrimp?
Homer: [holds one up, sniffs it] This shrimp isn't frozen!  And it
       smells funny.
  Apu: OK, ten pounds.
Homer: Woo hoo!
-- No shrimp too thawed, "Homer and Apu"

Once again, the ambulance takes him to the hospital.  Back at home,
Homer lies on the couch while Lisa and he watch "Bite Back with Kent
Brockman".  Each word of the title screen appears from the mouth of a
barking dog in a detective uniform.  Even the sponsor's name is barked
out after a man says, "Brought to you by...".  Homer comments with
admiration, "That dog can sell anything."

Good evening.  Here's an update on last week's nursing home expose,
"Geezers in Freezers."  It turns out the rest home _was_ adequately
heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility.  We've also
been told to apologize for using the term "geezer."
Now, coming up next, the case of the cantankerous old geezer.
-- Kent Brockman on "Bite Back", "Homer and Apu"

Just then, Homer's stomach groans.

Homer: Oh, rancid meat attack!  Stupid parasites.  Is there no way I can
       find justice?
 Kent: If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number --
Homer: Boring.
 Lisa: Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart.
 Kent: And now a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints.  [dog
       barks repeatedly]
 Lisa: Dad, are you listening to me?
Homer: Shh, Lisa: the dog is barking.
-- Anything, indeed, "Homer and Apu"

That night, at the channel six studios, Kent Brockman talks to Homer.

 Kent: All right, are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep?
Homer: No way, man.  No way, man!  Get yourself another patsy, man.  No
       way am I wearing a freakin' wire!
 Kent: {All right, all right, all right.}  Would you be willing to wear
       a hidden camera and microphone?
Homer: Oh, that I'll wear.
-- _Much_ safer, "Homer and Apu"

The next day, Kent and Homer are inside a van labeled "Ordinary Van"
parked outside the Kwik-E-Mart.

Kent: We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized
      novelty hat.
       [Homer puts it on, and struggles to stand upright]
      Now, go get us some incriminating footage, and remember: you have
      to get in and out in ten minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck
 Man: [neck horribly twisted] He's not kidding.
-- Moving in for the kill, "Homer and Apu"

Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving.  Apu
watches him, curious.  {Two seconds of the swaying and weaving are cut
in syndication.}

  Apu: Huh?
Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu.  Just go about your daily routine like I'm
       not wearing the hat.
  Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir.  Perhaps
       you have a bee in your bonnet?
Homer: Bee?  Aah!  [stomps on hat, runs out]
 Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station twenty years!  He had one
       day left till retirement.
-- A sad day for Channel Six, "Homer and Apu"

But the camera inside the hat still works.  It is pointed at Apu.

  Apu: Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller.  La, la -- oops
       [drops a hot dog] Oh, no -- it is encrusted with filth.  [blows
       it off] Oh well, let's sell it anyway.  Now this is just between
       me and you...smashed hat.  Hee hee --
 Kent: Hot diggety-dog, we've got him, Mr. Simpson.  Now let's -- Mr.
Homer: One hot dog, please.
-- No hot dog too encrusted, "Homer and Apu"

Kent Brockman interviews Apu for "Bite Back," and Apu shows the
videotape to some customers.

       [on "Bite Back"]
 Kent: Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat?
  Apu: No -- I mean, yes -- I mean -- uh oh.  [sweats]
        [Apu turns off the TV]
       I think I come off very well.
Woman: Monster!  Run, children.
-- "Homer and Apu"

The interview has made the rounds at Kwik-E-Mart HQ, apparently.  A man
walks through the door, flanked by two bodyguards.

Inspector: Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart
      Apu: But, sir, I was only following standard procedure.
Inspector: Ah, true.  But it's _also_ standard procedure to blame any
           problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
      Apu: Uh huh, and if I can obtain for you these animals?
Inspector: I'm sorry, Apu: I have no choice.  You can no longer wear
           this name patch.  [tears it off]
      Apu: [gasps]
Inspector: And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles.
           [tears off the patch]
           Now: turn in your pricing gun.
           {[Apu removes it from a shoulder holster]}
           {[severe] The other one too.}
            [Apu removes it from an ankle holster]
      Apu: [sighs] Fired...after all these years of loyal service.
           [picks up a hot dog] I don't want to live any more.
Inspector: [grabs him] Give me that weiner --
      Apu: I don't want to live, sir!
Inspector: Give me that weiner --
      Apu: Don't --
Inspector: No, Apu, it's not worth it!
-- The biggest moment of Apu's life, "Homer and Apu"

Apu wanders the streets of Springfield, depressed and alone.

Apu: What do I do now?  I have been drummed out of my profession.  I'm a
     disgrace!  Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking
      [laughter is coming from under the bridge where two bums tickle
     each other with feathers]
Bum: Who needs money when we got feathers?
-- A new aphorism, perhaps?, "Homer and Apu"

Apu walks past a store window advertising, "Today Only -- Laughing
Monkeys."  The four monkeys see him approach, and they all begin to
laugh and point.

His wanderings take him to Evergreen Terrace.  As he meanders down the
sidewalk, a thunderstorm begins.  "This is all because of Homer
Simpson!" our Hindu friend rues.  Funny he should mention Homer -- at
that very moment, Homer watches "Evening at the Improv" where a black
comedian is doing his routine.

Comedian: Yo, check this out: black guys drive a car like this.
           [Leans back, as though his elbow were on the windowsill]
          Do, do, ch.  Do-be-do, do-be-do-be-do.
          Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this.
           [Hunches forward, talks nasally]
          Dee-da-dee, a-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee.
           [Audience howls with laughter]
   Homer: Ah ha ha, it's true, it's true!  We're so lame!
-- Homer's humility, "Homer and Apu"

Apu says threateningly, "It is time to settle the score!"  He walks up
to the door and knocks.  Homer answers it, and Apu walks slowly towards
him, arms outstretched, an angry scowl on his features.  Homer walks
backwards, and screams in fright.

[End of Act One.  Time: 6:23]

Homer begs for mercy.

Homer: No, don't kill me.  I didn't know there was film in that camera
       in that hat!  I was unaware.  I was unaware!  [sobs]
  Apu: Mr. Simpson, you misunderstand me.  In my village this is the
       traditional pose of apology.
Homer: Oh.
  Apu: You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little
       confusing.  Many have died needlessly.
-- The price of tradition, "Homer and Apu"

Apu reveals the true purpose of his visit.

  Apu: I have come to make amends, sir.  At first, I blamed you for
       squealing, but then I realized, it was _I_ who wronged _you_.  So
       I have come to work off my debt.  I am at your service.
Homer: You're...selling _what_, now?
  Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that!  Karma can only be portioned out by the
       cosmos.  [slams the door]
  Apu: He's got me there.
-- Homer teaches about karma, "Homer and Apu"

The next day, the family watch as Apu works in the yard outside.  Homer
walks down the stairs.

Homer: [annoyed] Is he still out there?
Marge: Yes.  He's raking leaves?
Homer: What?  That's _your_ job.  If he starts doing Lisa's wood
       chopping --
Marge: If he wants to make it up to you so badly I think you should let
Homer: OK, OK, I'll let him.  But then I get a Chipwich, OK?
-- Homer, master delegator, "Homer and Apu"

As part of his debt repayment, Apu decides to cook dinner.

  Apu: It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you.  Back in
       Ramatpur I was considered quite the gourmet.
Marge: [sniffs her food] Mmm, it certainly is exotic.  [looks up] Ooh,
       Lisa -- is that too spicy for you?
 Lisa: [breathless] I can see through time!
Homer: [stuffing his face] Stop being such babies.  You can't be afraid
       to try new things.  For instance, tonight I'm using a...Apu, what
       do you call this thing again?
  Apu: A "napkin".
Homer: Ha ha ha ha!  Outrageous!
-- First time for everything, "Homer and Apu"

[In 3F31, we see a scene that was cut from the original airing of this
episode.  It was probably meant to go somewhere in Act Two.  Transcript
courtesy of Frederic Briere.]

  Apu: I'm hoping you enjoy this movie.  It made every Indian critic's
       top 400 list.
Woman: [singing] Love love love love love!  I'm in love with lovely
        [an Indian man breaks through a window and curses in Hindi at
       three sitting men]
        [they all start dancing]
 Bart: This movie you rented sucks.
Homer: No it doesn't, it's funny!  Their clothes are different from my
       clothes.  [laughs] Look at what they're wearing!  [laughs more]
-- "Homer and Apu"

[End of cut scene.]

The inspector and another woman are conducting interviews for Apu's

Inspector: All right, why do you want to become part of the Kwik-E-Mart
   Barney: Because I like people.  And I need a place where I'll be out
           of the sun.
    Woman: Thank you.
   Barney: [burps]
Inspector: Hmm...he's head and shoulders above everyone else.
-- At beer-drinking, perhaps, "Homer and Apu"

Just before they hire Barney, the woman points out there's one more

Inspector: Name?
    Woods: James Woods, heh.
    Woman: Previous job experience?
    Woods: Ooh, uh, let's see, "True Believer", uh, "Salvador", "Onion
           Field", uh -- "The Hard Way"?
Inspector: Wait, wait a minute.  Those aren't convenience stores!  That
           sounds more like the resume of a Hollywood movie star.
    Woods: [chuckles] You know, er.
 Together: [gasp] James Woods!
-- That's what he said, "Homer and Apu"

    Woman: Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart?
    Woods: To be honest, in my upcoming movie I'm going to be playing
           this tightly-wound convenience store clerk and, I kind of
           like to research my roles and really get into it.
           For instance, "True Believer"?  I actually worked in a law
           firm for two months.  And then, the film "Chaplin"?  I had a
           little cameo in that.  I actually _traveled_ in time, back to
           the twenties, where -- oh, heh, I've said too much.
Inspector: Welcome aboard.
-- "Back to the Future" wannabe James Woods, "Homer and Apu"

{At home, Homer hums in the shower.  He turns off the water and reaches
for his towel, but he can't find where it is.}

  Apu: {[holds out a towel] Good morning, sir!}
Homer: {Aah!}
  Apu: {Relax, please.  You do not have anything I have not seen before.
       [sees something on Homer's chest] What is...?}
Homer: {[sheepish] Er...I...like to keep a lollipop there.}
-- For emergencies only, "Homer and Apu"

Apu stacks some cans of corn on the kitchen counter.  Marge looks on.

Marge: Hmm.  Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard.
  Apu: Oh, they'll never move that way.
 Lisa: Mmm, corn!  Haven't had that in a while.
 Bart: Yeah, delicious corn.
-- Corn-selling strategy 101, "Homer and Apu"

Marge: [checks the fridge] Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie.  You want
       to come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart?
  Apu: [knocking over cans] Please, Mrs. Simpson, I -- I cannot go
       there.  That is the scene of my spiritual de-pantsing.
-- Not the de-pantsing!, "Homer and Apu"

Marge suggests they go to the new Monstro Mart ("Where Shopping Is a
Baffling Ordeal") The two of them walk down the aisle, with shelves
stacked high with huge drums of everything.

   Marge: Ooh, that's a _great_ price for twelve pounds of nutmeg.
     Apu: Oh, great selection and rock-bottom prices.  But where is the
     Man: [over loudspeaker] Attention, Monstro Mart shoppers: just a
          reminder that we love each and every one of you.
Everyone: Aw.
     Apu: [impressed] Hmph.
-- Plug for the Monstro Mart, "Homer and Apu"

Barney approaches some giant woman-shaped bottles of syrup.  "Excuse me,
ma'am," he asks, "Where are the lampshades?"  When she doesn't answer,
he rocks the bottle, "Ma'am?"  It topples over, spilling syrup out of
her head with a glugging noise.  "Oh, I've killed her!"  Barney laments,
"It's all happening again!"  He runs off crying, straight into a stack
of cranberry juice bottles.  They smash to the floor, creating a giant
wave of red.  Barney runs away from it as it splashes down the aisle
where Apu and Marge stand.  Barney gets swamped, as does another
customer who can't swim.  "Help me, help me!" he cries, going under for
the third time, but he reaches out and grabs a floating bottle, and as
he comes up for air, he licks his lips.  "Mmm...it's cran-tastic!"

Apu and Marge wait at the back of the long line in the express lane.

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always.
     That old man up front, he is starved for attention.  He will talk
     the cashier's head off.
Abe: {Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel.  In 1957, I
     remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of
     toast.  I set the toaster to three -- medium brown.}
-- Then he tied an onion to his belt, "Homer and Apu"

  Apu: Let's go to...that line.
Marge: But that's the longest.
  Apu: Yes, but look: all pathetic single men.  Only cash, no chitchat.
-- Axioms of shopping lines, "Homer and Apu"

Marge smiles approvingly as the line moves much faster.

James Woods, meanwhile, practices his new job.

Woods: 75, 85, 90, and a dollar.  Thank you, and come again.  Hey, wait
       a minute!  Hey!  Uh...could I just ask you a question?  Did
       you...did you _believe_ that, the way I gave you the change?  Did
       I sound like a _real_ Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kind of guy?
Jimbo: Actually, I thought it was a little labored.
Woods: Oh.
Jimbo: You've got to lose yourself in the moment, man!
Woods: Yeah, like, yeah, OK, great!  OK, let's, let's just try that
       again, OK?  Come on.  Hey, come on -- hey!  Get over here.  OK,
       now you're you, I'm me.
Jimbo: [with trepidation] I'm me?
Woods: [grabs his collar] Hey -- don't..._jerk_ me around, fella.
-- Not to be toyed with., "Homer and Apu"

The whole Simpson family loves Apu's food now, and they chow down
greedily.  "Pass the chutney," Homer says through a mouthful.

Marge: Apu, you've been so helpful.  If it weren't for him, we'd still
       be in line at the Monstro Mart!
 Lisa: And he taught me how to play the Sheh'nai.  [plays a snake-
       charmers instrument]
Homer: [shudders] That's even worse than the album Grampa released.
 Bart: And he taught me how to do this.  [puts both legs behind his
       head] I got out of school because I told them I was mangled in a
       car wreck.
-- A believable excuse, "Homer and Apu"

  Apu: Thank you all for the kind praise.
Homer: Well, you deserve it.  All these vegetables are really clearing
       the cholesterol out of the old heart.
        [A lump of cholesterol leaves Homer's heart and travels to his
        [monotonically] Uh, Apu friend me good.
-- Brain short circuits, "Homer and Apu"

Lisa translates for Homer, telling Apu that he's like a member of the
family now.  Apu says he feels that way too.

  Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome,
       There's no structure I have been to, which I'd rather call my
       When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
       But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
       Maggie with her eyes so bright,
       Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
       Lisa can philosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies,
       Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer: [Heh heh, that's OK.]
  Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
       Now here comes the tricky part.
       Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
       Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are Stick-E-Mart,
 Lisa: They make Dad Sick-E-Mart,
 Bart: Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real...[D'oh!]
  Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
       Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines]
  OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
       Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
       Who needs Kwik-E-mart?
  Apu: Not me.
-- The Kwik-E-Mart song, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Everything _really_ wrapped up nicely.  [checks his watch] Ooh,
       much quicker than usual.
Marge: I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've _all_ found happiness, every one of us.
        [Apu sobs in the background]
       Hey, what's that sound?
        [outside, they see Apu on the roof]
  Apu: [singing folornly] Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?  I do.
Homer: {Hey, he's not happy at all.  He lied to us through song.  I
       _hate_ when people do that!}
-- Damn you, feeble song, "Homer and Apu"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:30]

Apu confesses his true feelings.

  Apu: I can't lie to myself, you know.  I _do_ miss my Kwik-E-Mart.
 Lisa: Isn't there _anything_ you can do to get your job back?
  Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case.
Homer: I'm coming with you.  I got you fired; it's the least I can do.
       Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you
       one better and come along!
  Apu: But, sir, the head office is in India.
Homer: OK.
 Lisa: Dad, that's over ten thousand miles away.
Homer: I'm aware of that!
 Lisa: That's over sixteen thousand kilometers!
Homer: D'oh!
-- Here comes the metric system, indeed, "Homer and Apu"

Apu and Homer ride off on mules, with their things strapped to the
mules' backs.  Well, actually, they just ride off to the Springfield
airport.  "I'm sorry we couldn't take a cab, but I spent my last dollar
on the plane tickets," Apu explains.

{As they fly over the mountains, Homer pesters Apu.}

Homer: {Are we in India yet?}
  Apu: {No.}
Homer: {Are we in India yet?}
  Apu: {No.}
Homer: {Are we in India yet?}
  Apu: {No.}
Homer: {Are we in India yet?}
  Apu: {No.  Oh, wait...now we are.}
-- The plane trip to India, "Homer and Apu"

James Woods cleans out the microwave with a scraper while talking on his
cellular phone.

Tony, you're my agent.  You _have_ to do something about this.  ...How
can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a
convenience store clerk to a jittery eskimo firefighter?  ...Uh huh...uh
huh...mm hmm...well, actually, that's a pretty good explanation.  {Now
this is gross, right, this'll be _gross_ points in this new...?  OK.
Yeah, 'cause there's monkey -- yeah, OK, great.}
OK, good: book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at
the Kwik-E-Mart that boom!  I am outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, OK?
...What do you mean, I gotta give two weeks' notice?  Why you frickin',
no good, motha [beep] [beep] cheese!  ...No, not you, I'm just talking
to my oven.
-- James Woods' frustrations, "Homer and Apu"

At the airport, a bunch of people in suits sing, "If you're saved and
you know it, clap your hands," at the arriving passengers, some of whom
are Hare Krishnas.  "Oh, great -- Christians," one of them says.

Homer and Apu hold precariously onto the outside of a train.  "Attention
passengers," the conductor announces, "dinner is now being served on the
dining car."  Everyone inches their way towards the back of the train.

Our heroes' journey continues along a plain and up a mountain path.  As
they near the top, they are unshaven and disheveled.

  Apu: There she is: the world's first convenience store!  [points to
       store on top of mountain]
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
  Apu: Must you dump on everything we do?
-- Well, yes, actually, "Homer and Apu"

They walk up to the sliding doors.  A bell dings as they enter and
approach a man with white hair and a flowing white beard.  He drinks a
Squishee, and a sign behind him announces, "The Master Knows All (except
combination to safe)."

   Apu: He is the benevolent and enlightened president and C.E.O. of
        Kwik-E-Mart -- and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart.  He is the one we must
        ask for my job back.
Master: Approach, my sons.  [they do] You may ask me three questions.
   Apu: That's great, because all I need is one --
 Homer: Are you _really_ the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Master: Yes.
 Homer: Really?
Master: Yes.
 Homer: You?
Master: Yes.  I hope this has been enlightening for you.
   Apu: But I must --
Master: Thank you, come again.
   Apu: But --
Master: Thank you, come again.
-- The master speaks, "Homer and Apu"

The two of them leave, disappointed.

Homer: Well, _that_ was a big bust.  Is he _really_ the head of the
  Apu: [growls, reaches towards Homer]
Homer: No need to apologize, Apu: it was as much my fault as it was
  Apu: [grabs Homer by the throat and squeezes]
Homer: OK, Apu: I accept your apology!
-- Confusion reigns supreme, "Homer and Apu"

They tumble off the side of the mountain together.

Arriving home, the men are greeted by the rest of the Simpson family.

Bart+Lisa: Dad, dad!  What did you bring?  What did you bring?
    Marge: How did it go?
    Homer: Fine!  [looks at Apu] Oh, I mean not good.
     Lisa: I'm sorry, Apu.  But remember, [sings] "Who needs the Kwik-E-
      Apu: Would you mind?  I'm not in the mood.
-- Disappointment, "Homer and Apu"

Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one
crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!
-- Homer comforts Apu, "Homer and Apu"

Apu agrees, he's got to accept his fate after having feared it for long

  Apu: I've got to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart and I'm going to face my
Marge: Oh, that'll work out great!  We're out of Lucky Charms.
-- Dual-purpose visit, "Homer and Apu"

Apu walks off with determination.  He walks into the store.

  Apu: Ah, my old Squishee machine.  And my scum bucket with fly!  And a
       whole check list.
Woods: Hey, you're Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, aren't you?  I mean, you're
       the -- you're like _the_ guy, you're a legend around here.  Can I
       ask you, is it true you once worked 96 hours straight?
  Apu: Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you.  By the end I thought I was a
       hummingbird of some kind.
Woods: Oh yeah, you know, I studied your old security tapes.
        [On tape, Apu imitates a hummingbird, flying back and forth
       across the screen and emitting a high-pitched humming noise]
  Apu: In a few minutes, I tried to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.
-- Nectar without cholesterol, that is, "Homer and Apu"

Just then, a burly man walks in brandishing a gun.

Robber: All right, you.  Hand over the cash and don't try any funny
 Woods: Hey, pal, I assure you: if I tried any funny stuff, _you_ would
        be in hysterics.
-- Disarming comebacks, "Homer and Apu"

The robber recognizes James Woods, and tells him his new song is going
to be number three with a bullet.  "I'm not a singer," Woods protests,
and the robber yells "Shut up!" and cocks the gun.  Apu sees what is
about to happen, and he yells "No!" while jumping in front of Woods.

Woods: Apu!
  Apu: Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead.  How I've missed you!  I mean
       -- I think I'm dying.
-- "Homer and Apu"

At the hospital, Dr. Hibbert explains how lucky Apu is.  "You see, the
bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from
a previous robbery."

Woods: Apu, you saved my life.  And as a small token of my appreciation,
       I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
  Apu: Oh...oh, Mr. Woods, your --
Woods: But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
Marge: That sounds like a good movie.
Woods: Yes...yes, a...a movie, yes.
-- James Woods departs in peace, "Homer and Apu"

Homer: Hey, let's all hug Apu.
        [They all do, then there's a pause]
        [Homer looks at his watch] Hey, there's still time: let's hug
       him again!
-- Metahumor, "Homer and Apu"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:51]


   {rc}  Ron Carter
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {tdf} Thomas Fournier
   {cf}  Carl Frank
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {gpm} Patrick Molloy
   {jt}  Juha Terho
   {mw}  Michael Welch
   {aw}  Al Wesolowky
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)