[1F21] Lady Bouvier's Lover

Lady Bouvier's Lover                              Written by Bill Oakley & Josh
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer
Production code: 1F21                       Original airdate in N.A.: 12-May-94
                                                   Capsule revision E, 3-Jan-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will not re-transmit without the express permission of
              Major League Baseball.
              I will not re-transmit without the express permission of
              Major League Bas/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family run in, collide, and shatter into little
              pieces.  SLH wanders in to investigate.  Recycled from

Did you notice...

    ... the reel-to-reel tape recorder between the floors?
    ... the address on the cel is "742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield,

Dave Hall:
    ... the monkey goes for Sideshow Mel's throat?
    ... one of the monkeys has its tail wrapped around Sideshow Mel's
    ... Homer actually does a semi-decent job on Maggie's birthday cake?
    ... Homer's pinkie fingers when he nibbles on the cakes?
    ... Patty and Selma aren't smoking in this episode?
    ... Jackie's hair sags at the top?
    ... Jackie has two eyelashes per eye?
    ... the Happy little elves gracing the dining room walls?
    ... Maggie quickly looks around when Abe asked what smells?
    ... Jackie wears what looks like army boots?  (cf. 7F07)
    ... nobody, not even Homer, has a piece of Maggie's birthday cake?
    ... Otto is driving the Seniorville Trolley?
    ... each suite at the Hal Roach Apartments has air conditioning?
    ... only Marge buckles up in the car?
    ... Abe eats with both a fork and a spoon?
    ... Homer's unusually polite table manners?
    ... Jackie doesn't touch her food?
    ... the "Generation X" kid has a lava lamp?
    ... the old guy with the walker attending the senior citizens swing
    ... Mr. Burns wears a red rose on his lapel?
    ... how big the trophy cup Jackie is holding is?
    ... Maggie seems to fear Mr. Burns' touch?
    ... Jasper doesn't knock, but barges in on Abe?
    ... Jackie's veil doesn't actually cover her whole head?
    ... Mayor Quimby doesn't have his aides with him?
    ... Lisa finally gets her wish to be a flower girl?  (cf. 8F20)
    ... Bart looks bored in his role as ring boy?
    ... Selma is actually holding Homer's arm?
    ... Patty and Selma look bored at the wedding?
    ... the Flanders family aren't sitting together?
    ... Jackie keeps Mr. Burns' ring?

Tony Hill:
    ... OFF lives in a racially diverse neighborhood?
    ... the lawyer checks a document before telling Abe it was OK for
        him to die?
    ... since only Mrs. Bouvier has said no to Burns since he became a
        billionaire, he's become a billionaire since he fell for Marge?
    ... Homer says "Yabba Dabba Doo"?
    ... the grandfather clock pendulum isn't swinging?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Bart has a phone jack in his room?
    ... the "freak" children had tanned (not "pink") skin and "proper"
        blue eyes; also, "freak" Maggie's bowl was turned over?
    ... at the dance, when there's a shot of everyone dancing, all of
        the couples move identically?
    ... even Bart said "Aaaaaaww" when Maggie came in wearing her dress?
    ... Jackie wears a white dress at her wedding?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... Sideshow Mel conducts the Monkey Philharmonic?
    ... Jacqueline neglects to greet Marge?
    ... Maggie's sucking slowed down as the one-eyebrowed baby
    ... the one-eyebrowed baby has crushed his fruit box?
    ... Bart wrinkles his lip imitating his grandparents?
    ... Bart flaps his wings as well singing "Chicken Tonight" theme?
    ... Bart mispronounces "ogle" as well?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Krusty, Sideshow Mel, Homer, Abe, crazy old man,
      Clinton, Barney)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty, Jackie, Selma)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Lawyer, generation Xer, Roger Meyers, Sinatra man,
      driving range teen, man with cel, Apu, comic book dealer, Luigi,
      "Nein!" man)
    - Harry Shearer (TV announcer, Burns, Smithers, Jasper, Lovejoy,
- Special Guest Voice
    - Phil Hartman (Troy McClure)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, woman in wheelchair)

Movie (and other) references

  + "Lady Chatterley's Lover"
    - episode title
  + Hal Roach, the "Little Rascals" producer {ddg}
    - apartments are named after him
  + Chaplin's "The Gold Rush"
    - the potatoes on the forks scene
  + "Les Brown and His Band of Renown" {th}
    - Red Breem & His Band of Some Esteem at the old folks' ball
    "Reservoir Dogs" {rg}
    - Bart and Burns standing off with guns similar to scene in movie
  + "Cocoon" {wp}
    - Burns dancing in disco, wearing white tuxedo
  + "The Graduate"
    - glassed-in organ, Abe and Jackie on the bus

Previous episode references

- [7G01] and others: Homer is compared to a simian
- [7F09], [9F16] Roger Myers, President of Itchy and Scratchy
  International, appears {dh}
- [8F20] Lisa wants to be a flower girl {dh}
- [1F15] President Clinton appears
- [1F18] The Italian restaurant {dh}
- [1F18] Maggie's nemesis, the baby with one eyebrow, appears

Freeze frame fun

- Homer's sign: "Please Buy Armour (tm) Brand Hot Dogs."  {mk}
- Looks as though the Bouvier's car is a Volkswagen Kubelwagen.  {mk}
- Sign: "Hal Roach Apartments - Retirement Living in the heart of the
  Cemetery District" {mk}
- The family ate at the "P.  Piggly Hogswine's Super-Sm÷rg" {mk}
- Animation cel: "1F21/7621 SC-136 A-3"
- Sign at the dance: {mk}
       Community Center
       Senior Citizens
         Swing Dance
       Cat Spay-A-Thon
- "The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop", with robot in window.
  Speech balloon: "Take me to your comic books & baseball cards!"  {mk}
- Shop: "Venus Bridal Salon (Not affiliated with the planet Venus)" {mk}
- Sign outside church: {mk}
        First Church
       of Springfield
       Private Wedding
       Please Worship
- Some people at the wedding: {dh}
      Apu & Sanjay     Barney         Hans Moleman     Jasper
      Carl             Lenny          Mayor Quimby     Moe
      Mr. Largo        Ms. Hoover     Ms. Krabappel    Skinner
      The Flanders     The Hibberts   The Lovejoys     The Van Houtens

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The monkeys don't jump Mel from where they are sitting.  {dh}

When Patty and Selma bring their present into the house, the ribbon is
tied so it crossed in the center; when Maggie enters to open it, the
ribbon is around the corners.  {ddg}

Patty and Selma's necklaces change color.  {dh}

Jackie doesn't use her walking cane in a lot of scenes.  {dh}

"Maggie doesn't get along with the other babies" - she got along just
fine with the babies at the Ayn Rand Day Center.  {ddg}

Abe leaves the car door open, yet it's closed in the next scene.  {dh}

Is Mrs. Bouvier old enough to have been around at the time where she
would be arrested for indecent exposure just for showing her lower legs?

Homer closes Marge's window using power, but there's a window crank on
Marge's door.  {th}

OFF normally doesn't have a mail slot on the front door.  {dh}

The "acne kid" is a blonde (and looks older).  {ddg}

The skin color of the cel deliverer changes.

Why would a tube have "DO NOT ROLL" stamped on it?  (How else could you
fit an animation cel into a tube without rolling it?)  {ddg}

The top of tube vanishes after Bart took it off.  {dh}

Sitting down, Abe shouldn't be able to see Jackie at the front door.

Jackie calls Burns the devil, and Burns acts as though she's right.  But
in 1F01, Burns and the devil are different people (there's a newspaper
photo of Burns shaking the devil's hand).

Mr. Burns' bear changes locations in some scenes.  {dh}

When Mr. Burns calls Maggie "Pebbles", her ribbon appears to be the same
color as her hair (as seen from behind).  {ddg}

It's very unlikely Mr. Burns had exactly $350 in his wallet to give to
Bart.  {dh}

Why would Bart care if Burns squirted him with ketchup?  {th}

Abe's image in the mirror isn't reversed.  {dh}

A pipe organ would never be glassed into a separate room.  {th} [also
contradicts its location in 1F05 - ed]

There's no way Abe could beat the glass particles to the floor.  {th}

When Grampa is leaving the church with Mrs. Bouvier, there's nobody at
the organ, yet organ music is playing.  {ddg}


Harry McCracken: The geriatric love episode (this was new, right?) was
    one of the best of the season.  Lots of big laughs, and just enough
    sentiment to be effective.

Aditya Sood: Gee, it looked like everyone on the Simpsons writing staff
    was on drugs for this one....The episode was very funny, but it was
    really weird...Everyone kept having hallucinations, or dream
    sequences, or burst into song.  They did poke fun at the "refs" in
    this episode though...:)

Ted Frank: I was ROTFL for a good three minutes after Marge's response,
    and I was hoping someone with a VCR could post the full text of the
    exchange from "Old folks don't need companionship!" to the precise
    wording of Marge's response.  I'm still smiling thinking about it.
    What a great episode!

Tony Hill: This episode will not go down as one of the better ones,
    IMHO.  The main plot was well done up until the end, when it ended
    too abruptly.  Everything else in this episode was positively
    disjointed.  Even the self references couldn't save it.  I give it a

Don Del Grande: A - Definitely the best show this season (and I'm not
    just saying that because they showed Maggie in a dress...although
    some people might complain that could have been the show's "slow

Matthew Kurth: This was really a neat episode.  It finally gave a
    substantial role to Marge's Mom, and we got more Grampa too.  Maggie
    in a dress, the "humanized" Simpsons, and Lisa in dress as a member
    of the wedding party were all real treats.  Above average. 8/10

Dave Hall: I must confess, I like this episode.  Though it may not make
    other people's top 10 list for sheer laughs, I liked it because the
    story wasn't heavily marred by funny but pointless jokes as I find a
    lot of this and last season episodes.  I felt Abe's pain when Burns
    whisked Jackie away, but having that lawyer show up ruined it for
    me.  For this reason, I give this episode 4 out of 5 stars.

Yours truly: An excellent episode.  Great moments: Homer the monkey
    ("What do kids know?"), that _stupid_ "Chicken Tonight" song, Ross
    Perot pamphlet, Homer and Abe rapping to slinky bass, Smithers and
    Burns!, "Sound of Grampa" ripoff.  Definitely an A.

Comments and other observations

Hot dog jokes

Apart from the obvious "Armour Hot Dog" song, Adam Fields points out two
    other hot dog jokes in the episode:

    - The two buildings which change outside the power plant (sometimes
      they're breasts, graves, etc...) were hot dogs.
    - Bart's guns were filled with ketchup and mustard, popular hot dog

The Bouvier's car

Joe Clark writes, "Patty, Selma, Marge's mother, et al. drove away from
    la maison Simpson in a circa-1974 Volkswagen Thing, without a doubt
    *the* oddest and *the* most unsafe vehicles ever made."

Jackie's friends

Mrs. Bouvier mentions Frances Farmer, Sylvia Plath, and Zelda
    Fitzgerald.  Tony Hill explains, "Frances Farmer, a 1930s actress,
    lived from 1914-1970.  Sylvia Plath, born 1932, a poet and the
    author of `The Bell Jar,' committed suicide in 1963.  Zelda
    Fitzgerald (wife of Scotty) lived from 1899-1948, making it a rather
    strange trio for Mrs. Bouvier to have associated with, especially
    since Marge is only 35."
    Steve Portigal adds, "I also thought the bit about Frances Farmer,
    Sylvia Plath and Zelda Fitzgerald was a listing of three very
    unhappy women.  Plath committed suicide, Famer was institutionalized
    by her mother and eventually lobotomized, and Fitzgerald was married
    to a drunken workaholic who killed himself with booze (and I don't
    know more about her than that...)"

Big band songs

The two big-band songs played in this episode were "Moonlight Serenade"
    and "Sing, Sing, Sing".  Tony Hill writes that "Moonlight Serenade,"
    Glenn Miller's theme song, was written by Miller with words by
    Mitchell Parrish in 1939, while "Sing, Sing, Sing" was written by
    Louis Prima and some other guy in 1937.

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie.]

On the Krusty show, Krusty laughs for the children, who cheer for him.
Sideshow Mel, donning a tux, approaches the klown.

   Mel: Please, Krusty: this is very demeaning!
Krusty: Shut up and conduct!
-- Sideshow Mel is forced to lead a band of monkeys, "Lady Bouvier's

Mel conducts a dozen monkeys on kazoos playing a Strauss waltz, but one
of the monkeys stops.  Mel's baton-poking prompts the monkey to lunge
for his throat.  A prone Mel shrieks as the other monkeys join in.

Bart and Lisa laugh uproariously as they watch, as does Homer, who has
Maggie on his lap.

Homer: [watching TV] Maggie, can you point to the monkey?
        [Maggie points at Homer]
       Pfft.  What do babies know?
 Lisa: Maggie, can you point to the credenza?
        [she does so]
Homer: D'oh!
-- She knows zebus as well, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge calls out from the kitchen.

Marge: Homer!  You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday
Homer: [walking in] What?  [reads lettering] It's not Magaggie's
       Oh.  [eats the extra "a" and "g", then eats other letters]
Marge: Hey, hey, hey, hey!  Stop it.  I made a special cake for you to
       ruin.  It's over there.
Homer: Ooh!  [goes over, picks letters off it]
-- She knows him well, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

The doorbell rings.  Marge answers it with Maggie in her arms.

 Patty: Hello, everybody except Homer.
Jackie: [touching Maggie's nose] Happy birthday, granddaughter.
 Patty: Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street.
         [Abe knocks on door]
   Abe: [to black man who answers] Happy Birthday!
-- That's him, all right, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

{With everyone seated at the table, Marge brings Maggie in.}

   Marge: {Everybody get ready!  Here comes the birthday girl, in her
          very first dress.}
Everyone: {Aw!}
   Patty: {She's a little angel.}
   Selma: {Yeah.  I want to put a hook in her and hang her from our
          Christmas tree.}
     Abe: {[loudly] What smells?}
   Marge: {Uh oh.}
-- A wee accident?, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Everyone sits around a pile of presents as Marge brings the birthday
girl in.  Bart wants to wait for the other babies before opening the
presents, but Lisa explains they didn't invite the other babies because
Maggie doesn't seem to get along with them.  As if on cue, the one-
eyebrowed baby is pushed by in his pram outside.  Spotting each other,
Maggie and he scowl.

Marge picks her up and seats her at the table.

     Marge: Maggie!  We've got a surprise for you.
             [brings in the cake.  Everyone takes photos of her, and
            Maggie gets frightened by the flashbulbs, candle flame, and
            darkened room.  She whimpers]
       Abe: Ooh!  Put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton,
            and stick it in her ear!  That'll stop them shakes.
    Jackie: No, no.  What she needs is a balsam specific.
       Abe: Balsam specific?!  Oof!  While we're burning money, why
            don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too.
      Bart: [raspy] Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder.
Abe+Jackie: Don't make fun!
-- "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Maggie is put to bed after all the excitement.  Jackie begins to

   Jackie: I remember Lisa's third birthday.  She and Bart did this
           adorable little song and dance routine.
      Abe: Oh, heh heh!  That was a real horn-honker!  Let's see it.
            [Bart and Lisa look at each other]
      Abe: Now!  Do it!
            [Bart and Lisa groan]
      Abe: [threatening] Do it...!
Bart+Lisa: [walk to window, turn around]
            [bored] Hot dogs,
           Armour hot dogs,
      Abe: Sing it like you mean it!  [plays harmonica]
Bart+Lisa: What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
     Bart: [fat voice] Fat kids!
     Lisa: [squeaky voice] Skinny kids!
     Bart: Kids who climb on rocks!
     Lisa: [tough voice] Tough kids!
     Bart: [sissy voice] Sissy kids!
 Milhouse: [spots on his face] Even kids with chicken pox --
 Everyone: -- love hot dogs,
           Armour hot dogs,
           The dogs...kids...love...to...bite!
            [Home walks by with a sign for Armour hot dogs]
     Lisa: Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?
 Everyone: [Lisa walks off] I feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken
           Tonight, like Chicken Tonight...
-- Lisa demonstrates the rhetorical question, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Afterwards, Jackie and her spinster daughters sit in their car in front
of the house.

       Jackie: It's been great spending time with my family again.  I
               guess the next time I see you won't be until
        Homer: [sly] Or if not then, Christmas...
          Abe: I suppose I'll be gettin' home too.  At least I got
               Matlock to keep me company.  Oh!  He's on in five
       Jackie: He is?  Step on it!
                [the old folks' bus pulls up]
Crazy old man: [inside] Hurry up, hurry!  Each "Matlock" could be our
-- A wish before dying, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge is pensive in bed that night.

Marge: Homey, you know, it's funny.  Both my mother and your father seem
       pretty lonely.
Homer: Hee hee hee!  That is funny.
Marge: Yeah.  Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or
       shopping.  Or to that room in the library that's always full of
       old people?  Um...periodicals!  That's it.
Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.  They need to
       be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients
       they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?
-- Stockdale could still surprise us, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

The next day, Marge and Homer pick up Abe, then stop in front of the Hal
Roach apartments where Jackie lives.

Marge: Say, I've got a neat idea!  Why don't you go in and pick up my
       mother and we'll all go out to dinner?
  Abe: I'll be back in a jiffy!
        [comes back with a woman in a wheelchair]
Marge: That's not my mother.
  Abe: I'll be back in a jiffy!
Woman: Can I come too?
        [Homer rolls up Marge's power window]
Woman: [disappointed] Oh...
-- Too many cooks, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

At P. Piggly Hogswine's Super-Smorg restaurant, Marge tries her hand at

 Marge: You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common.  Um...hmm.  You
        both got swindled by that telemarketing scam!
   Abe: Oh, it's not a swindle.  What you do is, see, you give 'em all
        your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they'll
        send you a prize.
Jackie: I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone.
   Abe: Aw, feeling blue, eh?  I got something that'll cheer you up.
         [puts forks in two potatoes and makes them dance]
Jackie: [wheezes laughter]
Lawyer: [approaching] Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin.  I
        have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this
        unauthorized imitation.  Boys?
         [two large men grab the potatoes and forks and stomp on them]
-- "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Later at Jackie's apartment, Jackie shows Abe an old photo of herself on
a beach with her ankles indecently exposed.

Jackie: And here's a picture of me getting arrested for indecent
        exposure.  It was the most embarrassing day of my life.
   Abe: [whistles] Lift those gams.  You were one nifty number!
Jackie: Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy.
   Abe: Who were your friends?
Jackie: Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald, Frances Farmer, and little Sylvia Plath.
   Abe: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song
        that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever
        been to.
Jackie: You're so sweet...
   Abe: [thinking] Ooh, I feel all funny.  [gasp] I'm in love!  No,
        wait.  It's a stroke.
         [later, in the ambulance]
        No, wait!  It _is_ love!
         [the ambulance halts and the attendants boot him out]
        I'm in love!  [rolls onto highway as cars honk]
-- "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

[End of Act One.  Time: 6:49]

Bart lies in bed watching a shopping network on a portable TV.

     Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure.  You might remember me from such
           films as "The Boatjacking of Supership 79" and "Hydro, the
           Man With the Hydraulic Arms".  Coming up this hour on the
           Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of Itchy
           and Scratchy, the toontown twosome beloved by everyone --
           even cynical members of Generation X!
  Gen Xer: [watching at home] Pfft, yeah.  "Groovy".
   Meyers: Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers these hand-drawn Itchy
           and Scratchy animation cels.  Each one is absolutely,
           positively, 100% guaranteed to increase in value.
Announcer: [quickly] Not a guarantee.
-- Checks will not be honored either, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart can hardly resist.  He goes to the step at the top of the stairs
and peeks around the corner waiting for Homer to approach.

       [Bart and Homer run into each other]
 Bart: Pardon me, sir.  Forgive my clumsiness.
Homer: Not at all.
 Bart: [chuckles, holding Homer's wallet]
Homer: [chuckles, holding Bart's slingshot]
 Bart: [on phone] Uh, yes.  My name is Homer Simpson, and I'd like to
       order an Itchy and Scratchy cel...my credit card?  Uh, do you
       accept a Federal Breast Inspector's card?  License to Ogle?
       Vysa?...Oh, yes, of course.  That's what I meant, _Visa_.  It's
       these new dentures.
-- Dentures paid for on Vysa, no doubt, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Later at dinner, everyone pigs out as usual.

Marge: Well I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love
       with my mother.
Homer: Well I'm opposed to the whole thing.  Damn opposed!
 Bart: He's damn opposed.  Damn, damn, _damn_ opposed!
Marge: Bart!  Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa
       being in love?
Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister.
       And then our kids...they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no
       overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
        [Homer imagines the freakish kids]
-- They'd be almost...human, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge decides to call her mother.

 Marge: Hello, Mom?...Fine.  You know, Abe had a very nice time with you
        last Sunday --
   Abe: Tell her I love her!
 Marge: [covering mouthpiece] Grampa, shh!  I know my mother.  If you
        come on too strong, she's going to get scared away!
   Abe: [runs to other phone] I love ya!
Jackie: What?
 Marge: Er, I love you, Mom!
   Abe: I love you, I love you --
         [Marge joins in saying "I love you"]
 Marge: -- I love you.  I love you, Mom, gotta go!
-- No telemarketing skill at all, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

{The doorbell rings, and Bart answers it expectantly.}

          {[Bart answers the door]}
     Man: {Yeah, hi.  I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.}
    Bart: {That's me!}
     Man: {[punches Bart in the face] Don't write no more letters to Mr.
          {[doorbell rings; Bart answers it]}
Teenager: {I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.}
    Bart: {Uh, that's me.}
Teenager: {[punches Bart in the face] Stop stealing golf balls from the
          driving range!}
          {[doorbell rings]}
     Man: {[through door] Homer Simpson!  I've got a, uh, special
          delivery for you.}
    Bart: {Go away!}
     Man: {If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson, I cannot give you
          your...special delivery.}
          {[Bart looks through mail slot, sees man holding animation cel
          rolled in cardboard]}
    Bart: {[sighs with relief] [opens door]}
     Man: {Here's your special delivery.}
    Bart: {Thanks --}
     Man: {[punches Bart in the face] And that's for keeping me
-- Three for three, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart can't contain his excitement

Bart: Hey, Lis!  Guess who's got a genuine Itchy and Scratchy animation
Lisa: Oh!  That is so cool!  That is so exciting!  That is so --
       [Bart pulls it out]
      -- crappy.  It looks like part of Scratchy's arm.
Bart: Oh, no.  I used Dad's credit card to buy this!
Lisa: Yeesh.  How much was it?
Bart: $350.
Lisa: Ooh...
       [a ghostly Nelson at Bart's shoulder saying "Ha ha!"]
       [at the Kwik-E-Mart, Nelson writhes on the floor]
 Apu: Oh my God.  This boy is having an out-of-body experience.  This is
      very...bad for business.
-- The proper response, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

That night at the Simpson house, Abe and Homer sit together on the
couch.  Abe, sharply dressed, awaits the arrival of his new belle.

  Abe: Hot diggety!  I'm going to smooch her like a mule eating an
       apple!  [demonstrates] I even bought me some special novelty
       dentures.  [turns off light] See?  [smiles.  Dentures glow, "Kiss
       me, sweetie!"]
Homer: Dad, that will never work.  If you want to make your move, you
       got to play it...cool.  [jazz bass and cymbals start playing]
        [to the beat] Now what you gotta do
       If you wanna get a kiss
       Is act real smooth
       And make your move like this:
        [stands up, stretches and yawns, and sits down again, arm still
       outstretched so it lands around Abe's shoulder]
  Abe: Oh, I see!
        [to the beat] So if I take your advice
       And make your patented move,
       Then my chances for love
       Will slightly improve?
        [does the Homer move]
Homer: [giggles] Now what's that rule?
  Abe: Play it cool.  [music stops]
        [doorbell rings.  Abe panics, jumps behind the couch]
-- Real cool, just like that, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe takes Jackie to a seniors' dance.  Meanwhile, Bart, tries to pawn
his cel at the comic store.

  Bart: Is this cel worth anything?  [gives him cel with arm on it]
Dealer: [looks at it, sighs] Let me show you something.  This -- this is
        a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler.  It is worth something.
        This -- this is an arm, drawn by nobody.  It is worth nothing.
  Bart: Can't you give me anything for it.
Dealer: I can give you this telephone.  It is shaped like Mary Worth.
  Bart: Oh...
Dealer: No groaning in my store.
-- Or was that "no Groening"?, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

At the dance, Red Breem, the band leader, cues Glenn Miller's "Moonlight
Serenade".  Jackie dances closer to Abe.

Jackie: Oh, my favorite song.  This is so nice!
   Abe: I can't remember when I felt this young.  Oh...I really can't!
         [they almost kiss]
 Burns: Say, sport!  Mind if I have the next dance?
   Abe: [stammers] What the --?  Don't sneak up on a -- oh, you --
 Burns: No need for the blown gasket, Charlie.  I'll have her back in
        one piece.
         ["Sing, Sing, Sing" begins.  Burns dances up a storm with
   Abe: Grr.  That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he?
        I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime!  [does so]
         [Monty and Jackie dance on, oblivious]
-- Not much of a revenge, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe sits on a park bench across the street when Monty and Jackie leave
the dance together.

        [Burns and Jackie laugh]
Jackie: I swear, Monty: you are the devil himself!
 Burns: I -- [yelling] who told yo -- oh, ho ho, I, yes, yes, well, I'd
        say you're an angel, but angels don't dance like that.
-- They've never flown so low either, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Smithers arrives in Burns' limo.  He growls as he opens the door for
Burns' new date.  The car screeches off.  Abe walks off slowly down the
street through the pools of light cast by the street lamps.

   Abe: Good night, Mrs. Bouvier...wherever you are.
Lawyer: [approaching] Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy
        Durante.  I have a court order demanding an immediate halt of
        this unauthorized imitation.  Boys?
         [two large men grab Abe's hat and stomp on it.  The three
   Abe: Well, would it be all right with you if I just laid down in the
        street and died?
Lawyer: [off-camera, shuffles papers] Yes, that would be acceptable.
-- "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 13:39]

Burns is jubilant in his office the next day.

   Burns: Smithers, guess what happened to me last night?
Smithers: I don't know, sir.  You had sex with that old woman?
   Burns: She said "no" to me!  Do you know how many women have said
          "no" to me?  One hundred thirty, but only one since I've
          become a billionaire.  And _she's_ the one for me.  I'm in
          love!  [Smithers groans]
Smithers: Whoop-de-do, sir.
   Burns: Yes, whoop-de-do!  Whoop-de-do to the world.  Whoop-de-do, Mr.
          Florist.  Whoop-de-do, Mr. Physical Trainer.  Whoop-de-do, Mr.
 Clinton: I'm happy you finally found love.
   Burns: Whoop-de-do, Tarantula Town!  [grabs PA mike] Whoop-de-do,
          employees!  Everyone who's found true love may leave early
Everyone: Yay!  [run off, except one man, who cries]
-- Being singled-out, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Burns decides to write Jackie a love-letter.

   Burns: [grabbing paper] "Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier, re: Delineation
          of Romantic Intentions" -- pfft, too sappy.  Smithers, come
          over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend.
Smithers: [rolls eyes] Fine.  "Darling one, read my words and hear my
          heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be
          with you always.  Sincerely," yatta, yatta, yatta.
   Burns: That's marvelous!  How did you think of that so fast?
Smithers: I [sobs] sent it to you on your birthday!  [cries] Excuse me,
          I have something in my eye!
-- Just like watching "Bambi", "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

At the Simpson home, Marge walks down the stairs to join Homer.

Marge: Mom's almost ready for her date.  She sure seems taken by this
       new beau.  I feel so bad for Grampa.
Homer: Dad says this new guy's a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire.
       So let's all be extra-nice to him.
        [doorbell rings; Homer answers it]
        [Marge and Homer scream]
Burns: Hello!  Why it's -- it's, er -- oh, it's er -- [goes back,
       whispers to Smithers.  Smithers whispers back and chuckles]
       Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife Wilma!  Oh, and
       this must be little Pebbles.  [pats Maggie] Mind if I come in?
       I've brought chocolates.
Homer: [grabbing them] Yabba dabba doo!
-- The modern stone-age family, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge sits at the kitchen table with Homer, angry at Monty.

Marge: He's an awful, awful, _awful_ man!  I guess if he makes Mom
       happy, that's all that really matters.
Homer: That's right, money.  Your money's happiness is all that moneys.
-- Subliminal suggestions, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart spies Mr. Burns, and an idea forms in his devious little mind.

  Bart: You know, Gramma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to
        me...she 'specially likes it when they give me money.
 Burns: Run along, Pee Wee.  Baby gets nothing!
  Bart: Very well.  You leave me no choice.  This gun is filled with
        ketchup, this one with mustard.  Now gimme three hundred fifty
        bucks or you're going to be a mess for your date.
 Burns: [ominous] You don't have the guts.
         [they stare each other down; Bart squirts him]
 Burns: Eww!  Here, take your money, take it!  [Bart drops a gun] Ooh,
        now the tables have turned, haven't they?
Jackie: [coming down stairs] Monty, I'm ready!  [sees Burns, gasps]
         [Bart runs off]
-- Bad second impressions, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe sits in the nursing home, dejected, looking at Jackie's photo.

   Abe: Oh, why'd she have to leave me?
Jasper: [walking in] Hi, Abe!  We heard you was in need of some cheering
        up.  We got you a special cake.  ["cheer up Abe"]
         [coughing comes from inside the cake]
Jasper: [looking in] Uh oh.  Better call the nurse.
-- Geriatric disasters, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

{Burns takes Jackie to an Italian restaurant.  Luigi, the chef, finishes
playing a serenade on the violin.}

 Burns: {Bravissimo, Luigi!  Bring us your finest bottle of vino!}
 Luigi: {Hey, you trust-ah Luigi, huh?  He knows-ah what for to make-ah
        really nice the amore.}
Jackie: {Oh, Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.}
 Luigi: {[entering kitchen] Hey, Salvatore!  Break out the cheap hooch
        for Mr. No-Tip and the dried-up-ah zombie he's-ah captured!}
-- Romance, my butt, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart sees Homer walk by his bedroom and decides come clean about the cel

    Bart: Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card.
   Homer: What?!
    Bart: Don't worry, here's the cash!
   Homer: Woo-hoo!  $350.  Now I can buy seventy transcripts of
          Nightline!  Hee hee.
    Bart: But Dad -- oh well, he's happy.  I'm going to keep the Mary
          Worth phone right here.  Her stern but sensible face will
          remind me never to do anything so stupid again.
           [it rings; Bart answers it]
Milhouse: Hey Bart, you want to go play with that X-ray machine in the
          abandoned hospital?
    Bart: Sure...
-- Worked for two seconds, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Monty and Jackie picnic at a remote spot with mountains in the

 Monty: [dropping a ring into a champagne glass] Now, my dear, if you
        look in your champagne, I think you'll find a little surprise --
         [Jackie drinks it, swallows the ring, and chokes a little]
        Heh, uh, not to worry, I believe there's another one around here
        somewhere -- [reaches into boiling fondue, burns himself]
         [kneeling] My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid
        as we speak.  Will you marry me?
         [cut to Marge in the kitchen with Jackie]
 Marge: Oh, Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns.  He's an evil man.
Jackie: Evil, schmevil, Marge!  Monty can provide for me.  Besides, he's
        a great kisser.
 Homer: Ew, yuck!
 Marge: What about Abe Simpson?  Don't you have any feelings for him?
Jackie: Oh, he's a dear.  But he's too much of an old fusspot.
 Marge: We're all aware of Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns,
        he's Judge freaking Reinhold!
Jackie: [pause] I don't know who that is.
-- A lost comparison, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Abe wanders down the street, trying to console himself.

Abe: Aw, who needs her?  Now I'll have more time to read things I find
     on the ground.  [picks something up] "La...tex...con...do"...boy,
     I'd like to live in one of those!
-- I don't think so, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Just then he spies Jackie trying on her wedding dress in a bridal salon,
and he runs off.

It's wedding day at the First Church of Springfield.  When Barney
arrives, Homer suggests he sit on the groom's side since the bride's
side is packed.  Barney screams "Down in front" at the only other
person.  The man (who wears a Kaiser helmet) shouts back, "Nein!"

The bridal chorus plays.  Lisa the flower girl and Bart the ring-bearer
walk down the aisle together.

Lisa: Where's Grampa?  Wasn't he invited?
Bart: Yeah, but his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company
      in it.
-- The perils of age, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge and Smithers walk down the aisle, scowling, followed by Homer and
Selma.  Rev. Lovejoy reads a passage from the bible.

Lovejoy: And so when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs,
         he offered them to Mohem, who you will remember is the father
         of Sheckhom, and to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony,
         much in the same --
  Burns: We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz and Him-Ham already.  Get to
         the bloody point!
          [Marge elbows Jackie, "Hmm?  Hmm?"]
Lovejoy: Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your
         lawfully wedded wife?
  Burns: I do.
          [Bart bumbles with the ring and drops it]
         The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper!
          [kicks Bart.  Marge elbows Jackie]
 Jackie: I know, I know.  Ow!  Ow!  [Burns forces the ring on]
          [Marge scowls]
Lovejoy: Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man to be your lawfully
         wedding husband?
          ["Moonlight Serenade" starts on the organ]
 Jackie: Oh, Monty, my favorite song!  How did --
  Burns: I specifically requested _no_ romantic music!  What --
-- A real charmer, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

From the organist's booth, Abe calls out, "Mrs. Bouvier!" as he pounds
on the window.  Glass breaks and Abe falls to the floor face first.

   Abe: Honey!  Are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns?
        Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?
Jackie: No!
   Abe: [gulps] [Burns grins]
Jackie: I don't want to be either!
   Abe: Hot ziggety zam!  That's good enough for me!
         [skips down the aisle with her, arm in arm, and onto the bus to
        the retirement home]
         [guitar music plays]
   Abe: Turn off that racket!
  Otto: Yeah, fat chance, Pops.
-- Otto, always the sympathetic one, "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21:15]

Over the credits, a duo sings over "The Sound of Silence":

Hello Grampa, my old friend,
Your busy day is at an end.
Your exploits have been sad and boring,
They tell a tale that's worth ignoring.
When you're alone, the words of your story
Will echo down the rest-home hall,
[in syndication, the screen divides here {rl}]
{'Cause no one at all can stand
The sound of Grampa.}

Abe begins to tell a story, "{I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier
because her raspy voice} reminded me of my old Victrola.  Oh, it was a
fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed
in your ear.  The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant
like linseed oil or Dr. --", but he's interrupted by the "Shh!" of the
"Gracie Films" woman.  "Oh, I'm sorry," he apologizes.

Special thanks to Dave Hall for proofreading and editing this


   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {rg}  Rick Gray
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)