The Quimby File

Originally by Dave Sweatt
Contributions from Nicol�s Di Candia & Peter Watkins
Maintained by Bill McIntyre

Season 2
Season 3
Season 4
Season 5
Season 6
Season 7
Season 8
Season 9
Season 10
Season 12
Season 16


Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby (Democrat)
[2F02] He was once called an "illiterate tax cheating, wife swapping pot smoking spend-o-crat" by Birch Barlow. His response was "Hey, I am no longer illiterate"
[2F02] He was portraited by Side Show Bob in a TV ad as "supporting revolving door prisons and even released Side Show Bob, twice convicted for attempted murder
[2F02] Lisa Simpson refered to him as a convicted Felon.
First Appearance:
Did not appear in season 1
[7F03] Bart Gets an F, he declared an official Snow Day [2nd season, 1st episode aired]
[7G03] Quimby should have appeared in the first season's "Homer's Odyssey", when Homer appealed to the 3 members of the City Council for a stop sign. The 3 council members are never seen again.
Marital Status: Married
Mrs. Quimby, voiced by MAGGIE ROSWELL
[1F11] wife speaks
[2F10] wife mentioned
[4F06] wife sings one line
[AABF05] wife mentioned at home
[9F02] Son out of Wedlock, Kent Brockman at a retail store Grand Opening says "everybody's here, even Mayor Quimby's iligitamate son"
[2F10] Another child out of Wedlock is born
[FABF22] Half-Chinese "love child"
Other Known Family
[9F04] Clovis Quimby, beer swilling brother
[1F19] Freddy Quimby, nephew
[1F19] Maria Quimby-Wolfcastle is a Quimby [making McBain an in-law]
[3F10] other Quimby family seen walking toward Moe's
[9F13] Rex, a kid in Lisa's class, is probably a Quimby
Mistresses seen with
[8F15] seen in a motel "polling the electorate"
[8F07] he is photograph with the blonde in the 4th row at the soapbox race
[1F11] his wife catches him in bed with a woman
[1F16] he's in bed with a woman, being disturbed by the de-programming of Hans Moleman
[2F06] Willie video tapes him busy with a woman in his car
[2F07] is using the Caveman Room [with his wife, not likely]
[2F10] the birth of a child with another woman
[5F01] is with a woman at the Sleep-Easy Motel
[FABF22] is confronted by a Chinese woman who claims he is the father of her child
[FABF22] is seen on a video tape with a half-literate bimbo
[2F02] fundraising by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayorial Committee
[9F19] the newspaper reports his re-election landslide. This is his 6th time to be elected and his 6th term begins here.
[2F02] temporarily voted out of office in favor of Side Show Bob, who was later indicted for fraud. This 6th season episode establishes that his 7th term begins with the indictment of Side Show Bob.
[3F24] Mayor Quimby's re-election Headquarters is seen
[4F15] an aid tells Quimby there's an election in November, refering to the 9th season
[5F01] Quimby is campaigning while at the Sleep-Easy Motel, "Vote Quimby" he says 3 times. Since [3F24], he has been campaigning. This episode aired on November 2, so elections probably occurred immediately after. This is his 8th election and 8th term in office.
[2F02] re-election commercial jingle:
"Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink.
we wouldn't have a tire yard or an inside roller ring.
we wouldn't have our gallows, or a shiny big foot trap.
its not the Mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed."
[2F02] Election Slogans:
"If you were running for Mayor, he'd vote for you."
"Hey four eyes, vote Quimby"
"Hey beardo, vote Quimby"
"This time he's the lesser of two evils"
[3F24] "Your best friend in Government"
Give Us Hell Quimby
[9F18] "I'm sick of you people, your just a bunch of fickle mush heads"
[9F21]"look at those human roaches feeding off of each other's garbage"
[4F15] "You are a bunch of low-income nobodies"
[AABF05] "You idiot!"
Corruptus in Extremis
[7F22] "get that punk's name, nobody makes a fool of Diamond Joe Quimby"
[8F15] mayor's car is seen at a shady motel
[8F11] "I am flip-flopping, I say let him (Bart) stay down there (in the well)"
[9F02] manouvres to have Lisa Simpson removed from Little Miss Springfield position and replaced with Amber Dimpsy
[9F10] attempts to fool the crowd by saying 2 million dollars instead of 3 million
[9F10] amuses himself with a deck of pornographic playing cards
[9F19] admits to using town treasury money to fund murders
[9F20] claims that Marge Simpson is a shoplifter
[9F20] tells TV viewers that he is not in the Bahamas as a steel drum player walks by
[1F02] takes a fur coat bribe from Mr. Burns
[2F02] Growing hemp under special lighting in his Town Hall office.
[2F02] pardons Side Show Bob for no good reason
[1F05] admits to sleeping with a woman who's not his wife
[1F08] takes Lisa Simpsons piggy bank and money as a tip
[1F08] says the new casino will allow him to grow fat off of kickbacks and slush funds
[1F14] pays Moe to lie in court
[2F17] offers to have dams, forests, and animal species destroyed if needed
[2F31] takes another bribe from Mr. Burns to vote for his film
[3F20] stole Moe's picnic basket
[3F20] Proposes Proposition 24 to run off illegal aliens
[4F06] supports the burlesque house and frequents it
[4F06] goes on an Aruba vacation
[4F14] pardons Side Show Bob for no good reason
[AABF05] takes a kickback from Moe
[AABF05] takes a kickback from Krustyburger
[AABF05] takes a kickback from Apu
[AABF05] takes a kickback from Fat Tony
[AABF12] [Marge's cellphone snooping notes] Mayor Quimby-interns?
[AABF16] tells the olympic committee they'll do _anything_ to accomodate them
[AABF18] shreds files then shreds the paper shredder; escapes Springfield on a horse in a plane
A Trail of Dead Bodies
[9F06] Jimbo Jones poked a dead body with a stick behind the Mayor's House
[9F19] Two more bodies surface in Springfield Harbor
Partying and/or Singing
[7F23] sings Put on a happy face in the Leftorium
[8F11] sings on "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well"
[9F10] sings the Monorail Song
[2F11] sings Ca Sera Sera
[4F05] at Larry Burns' street party
[4F06] sings the Burlesque Song
Pick up lines
[8F15] How would you like a street named after you?
[1F03] "Would you, er, like to dance?"
Declarations, Proclamations, and Exclamations
[7F03] proclaims Snow Day, the funnest day in history
[7F22] dedicates a new Emergency Warning sign
[7F24] renames Route 401 the Michael Jackson Expressway
[8F08] declares Flaming Moe Day [Veteran's Day]
[8F14] declares Marge Simpson Day
[8F21] honors Spinal Tap with a ceremony at City Hall
[9F07] bestows the key to the city to Mr. Plow
[9F07] passes the key to the city to the Plow King
[9F10] introduces Leonard Nimoy at the Monorail christening
[9F18] introduces Barry White on Whacking Day
[2F02] designates a new freeway, the Matlock Expressway
[2F17] opening remarks at the comic book convention
[4F16] ceremony rewarding Laddie for saving baby Gerald
[5F01] declares "Mob Rule" as a result of the city wide soccer riot
[5F22] bestows a scented candle on Bart for saving the lizards
[AABF05] opening remarks at the sci-fi convention
[AABF17] opening remarks at the Fortune MegaStore grand opening
Speech Hesitations
says "er"............4 times
says "well"........16 times
says "uh"...........58 times
Keeping Busy
[1F03] goes to the Hatebox Club
[1F09] takes part in the search for treasure
[1F19] Quimby Compound: Every Thursday is Ladies Night
[1F21] sits in the front row at the Mr. Burns-Ms. Bouvier Wedding
[2F02] participates in Gripe at the Mayor Night at Springfield Retirement Castle
[2F02] participates in Mayorial debates at the Springfield Community Center, while ill
[2F09] Quimby is a member of the StoneCutters
[2F11] Newspaper headline says "Mayor Visits the City"
[2F31] Springfield Film Festival Juror
[3F05] Attends the ceremony honoring Homer for saving the plant
[3F13] Town Jubilation Committee Chairman
[4F06] Conducts a study on the feasability of a super train between Springfield and Aruba
[5F09] plays golf with Homer Simpson
[2F15] Possible Glimpse into the future:
he is finally indicted for various crimes
is reduced to driving for Otto Cab Co.
is working under an assumed name, Mohammad Jafar
Non-Speaking Appearances
[7F23] seen in the leftorium
[8F11] sings on Were Sending Our Love Down the Well
[9F02] seen at the Grand opening of SHOP
[9F20] seen in a steam bath with Chief Wiggum
[4F15] seen in Homer's basement
[5F03] seen at the Free Health Fair
Related Newspaper Headlines
[9F02] Queen to Mayor, Your Next
[9F19] Two bodies surface in Springfield Harbor

Season 2 Appearances

[7F03] [to the citizens on Snow Day]
"I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield."

[7F21] [to the Comic Book Convention crowd]
"Is, uh, this on?" "uh, Young people of Springfield, as your mayor I'd like to welcome you to our annual funny book convention. And thank you for pumping almost three hundred dollars into the local economy."
[waves to crowd]
"Your youthful high spirits have emparted a glow into this old warhorse, you might say I feel like Radiation Man."
Jimbo: That's Radioative Man jerk
"I, uh, stand corrected. Well, have fun and be sure to clear out by six for the shriners."
[to one of his bodyguards]
"Get that punk's name, no one makes a fool of Diamond Joe Quimby."

[7F22] [to the crowd at the warning sign unveiling]
"uh, Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests. I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the, uh, off chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do"
"And, uh, now I would like to present the man who made this sign possible by dropping the last of his obstructionist legal challenges, Montgomery Burns."
Smithers: Mr. Burns is never late, something must be terribly wrong.
"well, There better be, nobody leaves Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag."

Season 3 Appearances

[7F22] [to the crowd waiting for Michael Jackson]
"uh, This is the, uh, most exciting thing to happen to our, uh, fair town, since the Dali Lama visited in 1952." "And so I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Dali Lama Expressway, will hence forth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway"
"What the hell made me think Michael Jackson would visit this jerkwater berg."

[8F02] [to the aliens invading Springfield]
"Now, uh, let's be reasonable. We can resolve our differences peacefully."
[alien hits him in the head]
"duh, oow"
[to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"The, uh, zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting in our streets."

[8F07] [to the crowd at the soapbox derby race]
"To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor."
[to a bodyguard]
"Check out the rack on the blonde in the forth row."
[is later photographed ogling the blonde in the forth row]

[8F08] [to the crowd outside Flaming Moe's]
"Henseforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day"
[he is told that today is already Veteran's Day]
"It can be two things"

[8F09] [to the crowd at Willkommen]
"iik ben ein springfielder"

[8F11] [Homer tries to climb down the well to strangle Bart]
[to a bodyguard]
"Put a man on 'em"
[speaks to an angry crowd]
"Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot of heat. So I am flip-flopping. I say, let him stay down there."

[8F14] [to Chief Wiggum]
"Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go." "Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen to me, if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, your gonna break my fall." "Hear me loud and clear Wiggum, you fight me, I'll fight back."
[to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day, in the city of Springfield."
[to a bodyguard]
"They're like trained seals, toss em' a fish and watch em' slap their fins together."

[8F15] [to a auburn haired woman]
"How would you like a street named after you?"

Season 4 Appearances

[9F02] [to Wiggum and the group]
"Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out, and Amber Demsy back in, but this glorified crossing guard of a police chief won't get off his big fat can."
[a small error is found on Lisa's application]
"Roxie, bring in a bottle of champagne"

[9F07] [to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get to where they're going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city."
[Quimby repeals the key from Mr. Plow and passes it to the Plow King]
"The torch has been passed to a new generation of, uh, snow plow people." [Homer won't let go of it] "Come on, gimme the key." "These look like teeth marks." [Homer says he thought it was a chocolate key wrapped in foil] "It was never wrapped in foil"

[9F07] [to the crowd inside Town Hall]
"Order, please rise for the, uh, pledge of alligence" [crowd yells "get to the money"]
"in a moment, first let's review the minutes from our last meeting." [crowd yells again] "Very well, we will now hear suggestions for the, uh, dispersement of the, uh, two million dollars." [Quimby is corrected that it's 3 million dollars] "Of course, how silly of me."
[Marge wants to make a suggestion for the money]
"Chat away, i'll just amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards."
[Grandpa tries to make a suggestion]
"All those in favor of Grandpa Simpson's plan for rebuilding main street please......." [interupted by Lyle Lanley]
[Lyle Lanley says he's taking his idea to Shelbyville]
"Now wait a minute, we're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it."
[Quimby dances and sings "Monorail" with the crowd]
[speaks to the crowd at the Monorail grand opening]
"Now I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nemoy. And let me say, may the force be with you." [Nemoy asks if he knows who he is] "I think I do, weren't you one of the little rascals?"
[in the monorail control booth]
"Alright, I'm in charge here." [arguing with Wiggum] "Watch it you talking tub of donut batter." [more arguing] "You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass, now beat it, I'm calling the shots." [more arguing] "Well, we'll just see about that, let's go the town hall."
[Wiggum reads from the Town Charter]
"Keep the pigs, how many broads do I get?" [more arguing] "No you are" [fighting over the charter] "Let go, that's the charter."

[9F18] [to an aid]
"Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes?" "Beautiful"
[to the Whacking Day crowd]
"And now to open, uh, this year's festivities, here's our grand marshall, the prophet of love, Larry White" [Barry says that's not my name] "No, it says here Larry White." [Barry says I know my own name] "Yea, well we'll see."
[Barry asks Quimby if the crowd was listening]
"I, uh, don't think so." "And now, let's here it for our own Ms. Springfield."
[to the crowd]
"Look at this everyone, twelve dead snakes." [crowd boo's him] "I'm sick of you people, your nothing but a bunch of fickle mush heads." [give us hell Quimby]

[9F19] [to the crowd]
"I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies, but as Gabbo would say, I'm a bad little boy."

[9F20] [television announcement]
"People of Springfield, because of the epidemic I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city......" [interupted by a Steel Drum player] ".....hey you, get that steel drum out of the uh, mayor's office."
[to the crowd]
"Let the word go forth from this time and place, Marge Simpson is a shop lifter. In other news, the chick in the Crying Game is really a man." [crowd boo's] "I mean, man, is that a good movie."
[to the crowd]
I, uh, give you our 39th president, Jimmy Carter." [riot breaks out]
[to the crowd]
"Now Marge, we have a special treat for you." [unveils the Carter statue]

[9F21] [to an aid at the Swap Meet]
"Human roaches, feeding off each others garbage, the only thing you can't buy here is dignity."
[to the crowd]
"Welcome swappers to the Springfield swap meet. Ik bin ein Springfield swap meet patron"
[to an aid]
"I need a drink and a shower."

Season 5 Appearances

[1F02] [to Mr. Burns]
"Gentlemen, I have decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you will excuse me I'll go away."

[1F03] [to Marge, at the Hatebox Club]
"Would you, er, like to dance?" "I'm, er, here with my nephews."

[1F05] [at the Brad Goodman seminar]
"I, uh, can't commit to a relationship."
[ to the crowd]
"Good afternoon and welcome to the Do what you feel festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm confortable with my womanizing." "And, uh, to usher in this new era of feeling good, here's the godfather of soul, James Brown."
[to Willie and a mechanic]
"In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal"

[1F08] [to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"I propose that I use what's, uh, left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, uh, once elected, I will send for the rest of you." "The, uh, chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes." [Lisa gives him her piggy bank] "uh, just what I need to tip the sky caps"
[to the crowd]
"People, people, let's be a little more realistic." [legalized gambling is suggested] "Well now, are there any objections?" "Very well then, instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds."
[to Mr. Burns]
"We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our water front."

[1F09] [to Chief Wiggum]
"uh, that reminds me, here's your monthly kickback."
[to the crowd digging for treasure]
"Keep digging, we're bound to find something." "mmmm, I guess we're not gonna find anything."

[1F11] [Quimby is in bed with a woman when his wife walks in]
"Honey!! I, uh, didn't do it........ha ha ha ha"

[1F14] [to the vendor at a ball game]
"I'll take 2 dogs, 2 sodas, and 2 ice cream bars." "What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers."

[1F16] [to the guy in the next room]
"Do you mind? Your killing the romance in here."

[1F19] [to the crowd]
"Ha ha ha that's my nephew. Displaying the Quimby wit that's won the public's heart. Happy birthday Freddy, and may all your disgraces be, uh, private."
[to Bart]
"And who are you little boy?"

Season 6 Appearances

[2F02] [to the radio]
"Hey, I am no longer illiterate."
[to the retirement castle residents]
"And, uh, this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to all local merchants." "Well, uh, what do you, uh, people like?" "Well, uh, I suppose I could name it the, uh, Matlock Expressway."
[to his aids]
"Very well, if that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow." "By special order of the Mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon." "Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger"
[to his aids]
"uh, I'm being attacked by, uh, things."
[to Kent Brockman]
"uh, a, uh, yes"
[at the Mayoral debates]
I, aw-cheu, shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people."
[Quimby sick, sweating, and getting worse, he rubs his hair which now looks like 2 horns] Flames are electronicly added by channel 6.
"What is yer, uh, question?"

[2F06] [Willie's video tape]
"oh baby, oh yea, oh baby......"

[2F07] [to the motel manager]
"The, uh, toilet is overflowing in the, uh, caveman room."

[2F10] [at the hospital]
"This is incredible, God's most wonderful miracle." [your wife wants to hold the baby] "My wife! Where, where?"

[2F11] [to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld...field" "First of all, yes there is a comet in the sky and yes it is going to hit Springfield" [applause] "You, uh, don't need to applaud that." "Now, here's what we think the impact might look like, show them Jerry." "Fortunately we have a plan, Professor Frink."
[Prof. Frink demonstrates the rocket]
"And that will be the end of our Mr. Comet."
[as the comet approaches]

[2F31] [to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"Are there any suggestions on how to attract more tourism?"
[Bart shows a picture]
"Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end."
[Grandpa makes a comment]
"The old person's remarks will be striken from the record."
[Marge suggests a Film Festival]
"All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea"
[later, the film committee is voting for their favorite film]
"Well, I vote for Burns' movie"
[on stage with Jay Sherman]
"Congratulations Barney, and enjoy your prize, a life time supply of Duff Beer."

[2F15] [In the year 2010, "aren't you Mayor Quimby?"]
"I, uh, er, uh, No. Look at this license, Mohamad Jafar"
[to the taxi dispatcher]
"I cut the ribbon at that Convention Center."

[2F16] [to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"People, take it easy. We are all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the jist of it. Also, it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor."

Season 7 Appearances

[2F17] [to the Radioactive Man producers]
"We'll plow up our dams, destroy our forests, anything. If there's a species of animal causing you problems, nosing around your cameras, we'll have it wiped out."
[later, to the producers]
"Nothing, nothing, only the, uh, city has just passed another tax on puffy directing pants" "I, meant a tax on not wearing puffy pants." "I'm sorry"
"uh, there's a thousand dollar leaving town tax." "No."

[3F08] [discussing Side Show Bob and his bomb]
"Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?"
"We have only twenty minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television."
"Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able. We must sacrifice television in order to save the lives of our towns people."
"I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium, but I'm afraid we're out of options."
"Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls."

[3F10] [to some Quimby lookalikes]
"I am, uh, gonna drink you under the table."

[he is chaiman of the Town Jubilation Committee]
"Congratulations, you are our new town cryer. May your shrill nazel voice ring throughout our streets and brains.]
[to Homer]
"Top notch cryering I admit, but the hat and bell belong to Flanders."
"You're to restrict your cryering to the parade and selected pre-approved publicity events."
[to Lisa]
"Can't you understand little girl, Jebediah was not a criminal."
"You are tampering with forces you can't understand, we have major corporations sponsoring this event."
"Dig up his grave? Well, that's highly unothodoxed"
"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
[later, at the grave of Jebediah]
Now Lisa, when you see there's no silver tongue in there, will you stop trying to ruin Jebediah's reputation?"
[Homer asks "what do we get if its there?"]
"By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell, and tricorner hat."
"You will have the hat cleaned and then return it."
[Quimby on a roof top, speaking to his sniper]
"Wait, let's see what she has to say."

[3F20] [to his aids]
Aid: Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you
"Does it have an appointment?"
[to the mob]
"Very well, I promise swift and decisive action against these hybernating huxters." "he he he he"
[later, in the Town Hall office]
"Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?"
Aid: Dumber sir, they won't give up the bear patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it either.
"Ducking this issue calls for real leadership."
[to the mob]
"People your taxes are too high because of illegal immigrants, that's right, illegal immigrants. We need to get rid of them."
"In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum, whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield. It shall be known as Proposition 24."

Season 8 Appearances

[to the crowd at the Town Hall]
"And after visiting the area for, uh, the past 2 weeks, I have determined it is not feasable to construct a super train between Springfield and Aruba."
"Next on the agenda, the Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene."
"People, this is an issue we as a town are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bordy house and its small clientel of loyal perverts."
[slide show picture of the Mayor leaving the burlesque house]
"uh, well, uh, that could be any mayor."
"er, uh, well, uh, In light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hand."
[later, sings the Burlesque song]
"we remember our first visit,"
"the service was esquisite."
[Mrs. Quimby sings]
"Why Joseph I had no idea!"
[sings his response to her]
"Come now, you were working here."

[3F24] [in the crowd at the Chili Cook-off]
"Good lord, this can't be happening!"

[4F14] [to the crowd]
"Bob is no mainiac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all, and I assure you they were perfectly sane."

[4F13] [yells at Homer]
"Stop You Idiot!!"
[at a ceremony for the new waterfront]
"Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this...what the hell is that?"

[4F15] [to the crowd]
"You can't seriously want to make ban alcohol, it tastes great, makes woman appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
[to prohibition law is read]
"well, that's a new one on me."
[the duck law is read]
"Wait a minute, let me see that." "well, I'll be damned, long pants."
"...and Spiritous beverages are hereby prohibited under penalty of catapult."
[later, at the Town Hall]
"Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low income nobodies.....
[aid tells him an election is in November]
"What? Again? This stupid country."
[Quimby sends a telegram to Rex Banner]
"Mr. Banner: Springfield needs you."
[at the catapult in the center of town, Rex Banner is sent a flyin']
"That was unexpected. well, Reset the catapult and let's get this over with."
[a newer law is discovered, and prohibition is over]
"Release the prisoner."
[to Homer]
"On behalf of the city, I'd like to apolgize and ask how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again?"

[4F15] [to a crowd at the Town Hall]
"So Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue, and baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next."

Season 9 Appearances

[4F23] [at Springfield Elementary School]
"Now hold on, Armon Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps."

[5F02] [responds to France]
"I stand by my prejudice slur, do your worst you pretensious savages."
"I'll bet I get blamed for this."
[at the witch burning]
"You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society."
[later, at a witch trial]
"Let us throw open the floor to wild accusations." "People, let us not turn into an angry mob. Goody Simpson is entitled to due process."

[5F01] [walks in on Marge at the Sleep-Easy Motel]
"oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Alright, vote Quimby"
[Homer opens his motel room door]
"vote Quimby"
[Quimby is held with a knife by snake]
"Do what he says, I'm too rich to die."
[Quimby runs out]
"vote Quimby"

[5F09] [to Homer, the Sanitation Commissioner]
"Simpson, you idiot. You spent your entire years budget in a month. Your department's broke." [Homer says he will find a solution] "You'd better, because those garbage men won't work for free"
"Did I hear a briefcase opening?"
[to Homer]
"I don't know how you did it Homer, but you certainly solved that budget crisis." [trash bulges the ground] "what the hell is that?" [trash comes up] "What's this? Melon rinds, pantyhose, a term paper from Texas Tech, Simpson do you know anything about......"
[at the Town Hall]
"...and all those opposed to horse whipping Homer Simpson. And now, all in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson"
"Now people, we are far from screwed."
"Time for panic has come. We must move forward and turn to the town's all purpose contingency plan." Plan B? "yes, B"

[5F13] [on television]
"I ordered the re-opening of this prison to send a message to the criminals of Springfield. If you commit a violent crime in my town, you are going to end up here. To demonstrate what you're in for, I will now strap myself into this electric chair, which was deactivated over 30 years ago, and I can only assume, still is. Now, as I mime the convulsions of a condemned criminal, I remind my staff not to come to my assistance, no matter how real my performance may be."
"Turn off the chair."

Season 10 Appearances

[5F22] [to Bart in front of the crowd]
"For decimating our pigeon population and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you [to Bart] with this scented candle."
[AABF05] [to the crowd]
"Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders. And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the star in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skyywalker himself, Mark Hamill."
[in the riot]
"Oh God, can't this town go one day without a riot. Gadzooks, where are my bodyguards?" "We're screwed. Use your light saber." "Take him, he's the one you want."
[to his aids]
"You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!" [who will replace us] "I'll tell ya who, him!"
[to Homer]
"Just remember, you represent the office of the Mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting...[whistles] Good work Simpson, I couldn't be happier with the way that went"
[to Moe]
"Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season." "eehh, you should see the hospital."
[to Fat Tony]
"well, the good children of Springfield need their milk. And I need...[coughs] Thank you Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a non-descript brief case to the sack with a dollar sign on it."
"Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher."
[to Homer]
"Help! Help! I'm alive you idiot. Pull me in."
"but the gangsters will kill me. Alright, alright, I promise." "wait wait wait, not so fast. I can see ino the intern's restroom from here" [slapped] "Did you know that this is how FDR met Elenor?" [slapped] "Alright, pull me up."
[to Fat Tony]
"Not this time Fat Tony. The Mayor's office is not for sale." [everyone laughs] "Can you, uh, edit out the laughs?"
[releases the rats] "Run free little vermin, the city is yours."
[to Homer]
"Homer, I'm not sure its wise to go out now. I was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the, uh, wife. No no, I truely do want to stay home with the....wife."
[later, with Homer]
"You moron, that's the kiss of death! Nevermind that, just go patrol the perimeter. Aahh, augratin potatoes, that's a quality side."
[AABF07] [at the meeting]
"I call this meeting to determine what to do about these blabber mouthed kids and their creepy English accents."
"Settle down people. As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down these little squeelers using the latest in crime fighting technology."
[AABF16] [to the olympic committee]
"And we will do anything. Including, but not limited to, anything, to make your stay here tolerable."
"And that's not all, we've just chosen our official olympic mascot."
[AABF17] [to audience in mall]
The lights dim and a fanfare plays. Mayor Quimby makes an announcement from a central stage.
"Attention, good shoppers of Springfield, someone very special has just entered the store. The world's most popular billionaire..."
"Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune!"
[AABF18] [in quimby's office]
Back in their street clothes, the gang marches into Mayor Quimby's office, announcing that the "jig is up" and that their report (on gazebo reservation reform) will change how things are done in the town.
Convinced that one of his scandalous deeds has caught up with him, Quimby calls for his goons, who shred all his incriminating documents. Quimby himself flees on horseback to a waiting plane. Shortly thereafter, the police burst into the office.

Season 12 Appearances

[BABF21] [to Bart in front of the crowd]
"People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring."
"Willy, must you do that now?"
"They got us now. Without water, we're doomed."
"Give us back our concert, Simpson."
"What am I bid for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree?"
"Uh, sold to the rich Texan!"
"And finally, an exciting announcement from our good friends at Omni-Pave."
% At City Hall, Mayor Quimby tries to fend off the press.
Some reporters see one of the Mayor's aides trying to discreetly close a door behind him and senses that something is up. They barge into the secret room. We see a lavish pool, a roman bath with statues, and girls in bikinis.
A city worker is working with a spade from a bag labeled "pothole cement".
"Good Lord, we've discovered the ruins of an ancient city! OK, you do better."

Season 16 Appearances

"This week in our summer hanging series, we're pleased to present the mutton-shop murderer. At last God-fearing London-ers are free to walk whore alley."
"Err uh...raise this as your own."
"How rude; what do I have to do to enjoy a Sunday brunch with my secret other family?"


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Last updated on February 19, 2006 by Bill McIntyre (