[3F05] King- Size Homer

King-Size Homer                                          Written by Dan Greaney
                                                        Directed by Jim Reardon
Production code: 3F05                        Original airdate in N.A.: 5-Nov-95
                                                  Capsule revision D, 22-Feb-97

Title sequence

Blackboard :- Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
              Indian burns are not our cultural he/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family are windup dolls; they buzz and walk
              mechanically toward the couch.

Did you notice...

    ... Mr. Burns is wearing a Yale sweater (blue on white)?

Joe Manfre:
    ... Lisa subscribes to the "Utne Reader"?

Haynes Lee:
    ... Homer looks like Marlon Brando in his heavier days?
    ... Homer blocks bathroom door with two waste disposal baskets, a
        fire extinguisher and a box of "extra coarse" toilet paper?

Don Del Grande:
    ... SNPP has pay toilets?
    ... one of the machines Homer slides by is the "Try New Crystal Buzz
        Cola" he once got his arm stuck in?
    ... Smithers has a framed picture of Burns behind his desk?
    ... Homer's starting weight is 239, which is what he "got down to"
        (from 260) in 7F18?
    ... the Simpson scale goes up to 400 pounds?  (Most stop at 300)
    ... Marge's feet are smaller than they usually are?
    ... Homer starts to eat the Play-Doh donut _before_ Bart says it's
    ... the clothing store has models of Billy and Benny McCrary (aka
        McGuire), who were the world's heaviest twins while they were
        alive, riding their trademark motorbikes?  (see below)
    ... Homer's alarm is now set for 8:30?
    ... Bart and Lisa don't leave for school until after 9:00?
    ... there are women at SNPP doing calisthenics?
    ... the only reason the ladder over the tank exists is to reach the
        shutoff switch?
    ... the "tank manual shutdown" is a simple switch, yet the computer
        couldn't do it by just asking Homer "Do you want to shut down
        the tank?"?
    ... when Homer is receiving his medal, Maggie isn't there?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... wind-up Maggie flips around?
    ... wind-up Lisa hops and has short-circuited?
    ... wind-up Marge is the only one to make it to the couch?
    ... the "MEN" picture on the bathroom has an overbite?
    ... Smithers turns his head as Homer passes by on his oil trip?
    ... "Assal horizontogoly" essentially means sitting on your butt?
    ... Lenny, Carl, and Guillermo are present when Burns dedicates the
        new work terminal?
    ... in Homer's fantasy, he has a candy machine outside?
    ... the cart rolling by in the grocery establishing shot?
    ... Homer's original pants are in the closet?
    ... the "GOD BLESS THIS MESS" sign behind Marge?

Benjamin Robinson:
    ... the font on Homer's computer looks like an LED display?
    ... Homer's computer had two external disk drives, instead of the
        internally mounted kind?
    ... the input method on Homer's computer is kind of weird?  (If you
        enter "Y-E-S" quickly, the program accepts this as "YES."
        however, if you just enter "Y," you have to pause for a few
        seconds for the machine to accept your input.)

Eliot Williams:
    ... Smithers covers Homer's shoulder with a cloth before Burns leans
        on it during the remote terminal dedication?
    ... Homer uses a regular QWERTY keyboard...even though he only has
        four fingers?

Jose Lafaurie:
    ... Mr. Burns is unusually strong in this episode?

Dominik Halas:
    ... the man on the "MEN" sign appears to have a hardhat on?
    ... Homer is actually standing in the toilet bowl?
    ... Smithers calls Homer a gastropod (the family containing snails,
        slugs, limpets, conches, etc.)?
    ... there's a picture of Patty and Selma on the mantelpiece?
    ... the picture of Itchy chasing a flaming Scratchy on the wall at
        Krusty Burger?
    ... Homer thinks sitting in front of the keyboard looking for an
        "any" key constitutes hacking?

Daniel deHam:
    ... the weak and old C.M.  Burns has more energy than the younger,
        fatter Homer?
    ... Bart watches Homer eat a banana split and Krusty Burgers without
        eating any?

Tony Hill:
    ... Homer takes off his pants but not his shoes?
    ... Dr. Nick classifies Homer as "dangerously underweight"?
    ... Homer's resemblance to BGM while extra-fat and wearing shades?
    ... Springfield has a subway, at least in Homer's fantasy?
    ... Burns uses a handkerchief when he touches Homer's shoulder?

Jussi Pakkanen:
    ... you can hear the alertness horn after Homer decides to sound it?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Carl, pig with tuxedo, Dr. Nick, farmer, soap opera
      man, movie ticket kid, movie manager, bystander, workers #1 and
    - Harry Shearer (Smithers, Burns, Lenny, Dr. Hibbert, guy at weight
      gain store, Flanders, guy at "Vast Waistband", Arnie Pie, TV
      announcer, ice cream vendor, worker #2)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Joan Kenley (woman on phone)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (soap-opera woman, Milhouse, Jimbo)

Movie (and other) references

  + "The Odd Couple" {ddg}
    - in one episode, Oscar counts pushups how Homer does
  + "Much Ado About Nothing" {rl}
    - Homer buys "Much Ado About Stuffing"
  + "Chips Ahoy" {rl}
    - Homer buys "Ham Ahoy"
  + "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"  {mc}
    - Bart and others looking through window at obese Homer lifted
      straight from the movie

Previous episode references

- [7F13] a shopping cart rolls out of the parking lot {rl}
- [7F14] "Search for the Sun" appears {dh}
- [7F18] Homer's weight of 239 pounds is mentioned {ddg}
- [8F09] Homer takes a bite out of something alive during his fantasy
- [8F23] The drinking bird appears
- [9F06] Homer almost puts "The Frying Dutchman" out of business, as
  pointed out by Ralph {ddg}
- [9F10], [3F01] A funny automated telephone recording is heard {rl}
- [1F03] Crystal Buzz Cola appears {rl}
- [1F07] "Excelsior" is said {rl}
- [2F03] Matt Groening's scary name contains "muumuu" {jl}
- [2F16] Guillermo appears {rl}
- [3F01] Joan Kenley's voice is used {rl}
- [3F02] Springfield has a subway {jp}

Freeze frame fun

- Signs in construction area: {rl}
- Sign Homer passes: {rl}
- Buzz Cola sign: {rl}
- Nutrition Pyramid: {rl}
        FATS      Ice
      & SWEETS   Cream
   WHIPPED  Banana     Bacon   CONGEALED
    GROUP    Split     Runoff   GROUP
   CHOCOTASTY  Choco    Into
     GROUP     Santa   Glass
   Pastry       Cupcake     Oreo   Waffles  EMPTY CALORIES
- Food Homer buys: {rl}
    - HAM AHOY
    - AMNBF (below Stuffing)
    - TUBBB!
        - Just squeeze 'n' swallow
- Newspaper headline: {rl}
- under the gas pipe a skeleton cat is chasing a skeleton Itchy {jp}
- Store sign: {rl}
   ======| |: |=======

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The "Crystal Buzz Cola" machine has a picture of a glass filled with a
non-clear beverage.  {ddg}

The bookcase on the left wall of Burns' office shouldn't be there: his
video monitors should.  Plus, the bookcase disappears after Burns sends
Homer on his way.  {rl}

The oil streak Homer leaves on the rug in Burns' office is gone when
Burns pushes him away.  {ddg}

How does Lisa swivel herself on the pillow chair without touching the
ground?  {dd}

When Maggie makes her Play-Doh donut, there is no red or white in it,
but the Play-Doh Homer eats has both red and white in it.  {ddg}

Homer's bathroom scale should register a higher weight as soon as he
holds the Play-Doh, but it waits until he eats it.  {dd}

Marge's lipstick disappears.  {rl}

The clothes on the rack behind Homer at "The Vast Waistband" change from
suits to shirts.  {dh}

Unless Homer needed them, the keyboard caps were absent in the first
shots.  {rl}

When Homer looks at PgUp on the non-numeral keypad, only PgUp and PgDn
are there; the rest are not capped.  {rl}

In the closeup of Homer pressing the "Y" key, the "Y" is much thinner
than the other characters.  {dh}

If every computer question requires a response of "Y", why even bother
asking a human operator?  Shouldn't the computer just go ahead and do
it?  {ddg}

Homer reads the "Utne Reader" subscription reminder like a postcard, but
it appears to have an envelope flap.  {jm}

When Lisa tells Homer that Marge baked a cake and Homer goes into the
kitchen, the kitchen clock says 2:55 instead of just after 9:00.  {ddg}

When Homer wakes up for his first day of telecommuting, the bed shows no
signs of deformation.  {dh}

The "drinking bird" toy shouldn't work at all without liquid to drink
from.  {jm}

Does Flanders have a new job, or did Homer forget about the Leftorium?

How is shutting off the tank going to reduce the pressure so the gas can
be vented?  {ddg}

The candy machine in Homer's dream disappears and reappears.  {jp}

Marge is wearing lipstick at the ceremony -- except in her close-up.


Joe Manfre: A funny episode but somewhat shallow...these Homer episodes
    are getting more and more repetitive as time goes on.  I was
    disappointed that the writers went *nowhere* with the "Homer as
    overweight crusader" idea.  At least the gags in this one were a
    part of, and not extraneous to, the *plot*.  Grade: B.

Mark Richey: While it is entirely believable that Homer would be lazy
    enough to gain 61 pounds just to avoid work, that probably would
    have made a better second story, rather than the focus of the entire
    episode.  As it stands, it's an average episode, ranking as a C.

Adam Lipkin: Um...What the hell was that?  This episode was barely
    funny.  Sure, there were some good parts, like Ralph's line, and Dr.
    Nick, and the reappearance of the drinking bird, but most of the
    rest was just low-quality.  C.

Dale Abersold: This episode was very enjoyable, mostly because it was
    _funny_, and there was no attempt at moralizing or maudlin
    sentimentality.  Best moment: the beginning, when Homer is dragged
    off to the horror of...calisthenics.  Grade: A. Best episode since
    "Sideshow Bob Roberts".

Haynes Lee: Review: B-.  Way too heavy on the fat humor but the computer
    humor was near non-existent.  It would have been nice to see Homer
    join the ranks of the nerds.

Scott Fujimoto: OK, this was mostly a gag episode, but I still found it
    pretty funny.  The best part was when Homer was desparately trying
    to gain his 62 pounds.  Mmmm...Play Doh.  Grade: B.

Don Del Grande: B-minus -- it was going along relatively well during the
    first two-thirds of the show, but the "get to the plant before it
    blows up" bit didn't seem very funny.  There just aren't that many
    "fat jokes" to work with in the first place.  This is definitely a
    story that needed a subplot.

Ricardo Lafaurie: A strong showing.  Once again, the writers prove they
    can do well without references.  And the brief computer footage was
    great too.  That Play-Doh had to be one of the sickest things Homer
    ever ate.  Grade: B-.

Benjamin Robinson: "King-Size Homer" is at least regular-size fun.  Good
    jokes and (mostly) good characterizations mark this episode.  I'd
    say it's a fine first "Simpsons" effort by Dan Greaney.  (B+)

Dominik Halas: Although this episode didn't have me ROTFL, it didn't
    have me cringing in disbelief, either.  The fact that there was only
    one plot line allowed them to develop the plot more than usual.
    Altogether, a solid but not outstanding episode.  Grade: B.

Tony Hill: This was an OK episode, not very outstanding by OFF's usual
    high standards.  Did they _really_ make fun of FDR's disability?  It
    was better social commentary on the way people are granted
    disability freely, IMHO.  The animation of the fat Homer was not all
    that pleasant to look at.  C-.

Yours truly: Not terribly funny.  It was pretty much a one-joke episode,
    and not a terribly plausible one at that.  I couldn't quite accept
    Burns leading an exercise class, and Homer looked to be much larger
    than 300 pounds, if he's 239 in his regular frame.  Grade: C-.

Comments and other observations

Real-life fat guys

Haynes Lee notes, "The two fat guys on the motorcycles in the Vast
    Waistband shop are Benny and Billy McCrary, who hold the Guiness
    World Record(tm) of the heaviest twins at 1,500 pounds."  Dominik
    Halas notes the presence of these two plus a third mannequin and
    says, "They are actually models of the world's heaviest man (Jon
    Bower Minnoch, weighed 975 lb) and the world's heaviest twins (Benny
    and Billy McCrary, weighed 723 lb and 743 lb, respectively.)
    Although I can't be sure about Minnoch, the twins are drawn almost
    exactly as they appear in their photo in the Guinness Book of World
    As well, Bart imagines himself as a real fat guy from the news a few
    years ago.  He too used a sponge to clean himself.

Closed captioning note

Both Ricardo Lafaurie and I noticed that when the man says, "Paul
    Newman's going to break my legs," the captioning said "Jolly Time"
    instead of "Paul Newman".  This isn't the first time something has
    been overdubbed at the last minute -- recall Bart's "Just ask Claus
    von Bulow" in 1F19, which sounds different than his immediately
    preceding line.

"Press any key"

Benjamin Robinson says, "Before you laugh at Homer, consider this: The
    Compaq help desk reports that one of the most frequent new-user
    questions is, `Where's the "Any" key?'  The folks at Compaq fielded
    this one so often that they eventually gave up and changed all their
    documentation to read, `Press the ENTER key.'"

Chernobyl & Three-Mile Island

Ricardo Lafaurie explains that these are "two nuclear accidents.
    Chernobyl was a plant in Russia that nearly suffered a meltdown, and
    nuclear waste flew into the air, poisoning cows in the field and
    thus poisoning the milk.  Oh, it was horrible...if you lived in
    Russia.  Three-Mile Island, on the other hand, didn't explode, but
    it contaminated the island."

Homer's flashing

Jussi Pakkanen noticed two single frames of Homer's nakedness being
    revealed under his muumuu as he falls into the tank.  He writes, "It
    is a sort of an inside joke for animators to include single frames
    of nudity in their work.  Until the recent years these frames were
    impossible to detect, but nowadays they are fairly simple to see
    thanks to frame-by-frame videos and laser discs.  The Simpsons crew
    was brave enough to show that Homer has no underwear under his
    muumuu, but they weren't bold enough to `reveal everything'."

Quotes and Scene Summary (courtesy of Gary Goldberg)

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]

Smithers and two goons knock loudly at the door of the men's room at the
Nuclear Power Plant.

Smithers: Come on Simpson, open up!  We know you're in there.
           [The goons break the door open.]
           [looking under stalls] Mmm...[points to stall] that one.
           [The goons bust it open.]
   Homer: [gasps] Someone's in here.
           [Homer whimpers and whines while being dragged off.]
          No...No!  Oh!  For the love of...
Smithers: Boy, I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five
          minutes of calisthenics.
-- Homer, king of bad health, "King-Size Homer"

All of the plant employees are outside, preparing to exercise.
Montgomery Burns addresses the employees.

Burns: One, two, three, four.  Up, down, three, four.
        [Homer sweats, gasps, and stammers.]
 Carl: This new exercise program is great.
Lenny: Yeah, every muscle in my body is getting a workout, especially my
       big fat mouth.
Homer: Yeah, especially your big fat...oh wait.
Burns: Raise your right huck, aerate.
       Raise you left huck, aerate.
       I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
-- Burns waxes poetic, "King-Size Homer"

Homer tries to do a push-up.

Homer: [struggling to complete a pushup] Two!
Lenny: Actually Homer, that's just one.  See, each pushup includes both
       an up part and a down part.
Homer: D'oh!  Hey, where's Charlie?  How'd he get out of this?
 Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay.
       [scoffs] It's like a lottery that awards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?
-- At that, Homer's a viking, "King-Size Homer"

Homer wanders around, muttering "Must hurt self, must hurt self, must
hurt self..." He spies a "Hardhat Area", with signs warning of careless
workers above.  A wrench falls, and he runs over to stand where it fell
-- only to have a bucket of nails fall in the place which he just ran
from.  "D'oh!"  He runs back.  A workman walks over, and a wheelbarrow
of bricks falls on him.  "Hmm," muses Homer, "probably better that
didn't hit me."

Homer pours oil on the floor and, getting a running start, slides
through it, past several monitoring stations and Smithers, and into
Burns office, where he comes to a stop.

Burns: Yes?
Homer: [pause] Hello.
Burns: May I help you?
Homer: Uh...could you give me a little push in the opposite direction?
Burns: [slowly] Okay.
        [Burns pushes Homer in the other direction using a long wooden
Homer: Thank you.
-- Homer's self-injury attempt through oil fails, "King-Size Homer"

Later, Homer is reading through a book called "Am I Disabled?

Homer: "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no.
       "Lumber lung"...no.
       "Juggler's despair"...no.
       "Achy breaky pelvis"...no.  Oh, I'm never going to be disabled!
       I'm sick of being so healthy.
       Hey, wait...hyper-obesity!  "If you weigh more than 300 pounds,
       you qualify as disabled."
-- A fanfare plays, "King-Size Homer"

Homer imagines a mountain with 300 lbs. as the goal at the top, A
tuxedo-ed pig appears at his shoulder.

  Pig: You can do it, old boy!
Homer: Yes I can!
        [Runs up mountain, then turns and runs back to pig and takes a
       bite of his arm.]
  Pig: Yes...that's the spirit!
-- Homer climbs the metaphorical mountain of weight gain, "King-Size

Cut to the Simpsons' living room.  Bart is sitting on the couch.

 Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal.  No more exercise program, no more
       traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.
 Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61
       pounds is something I want to be a part of.
        [Lisa swings here chair around, unexpectedly appearing.]
 Lisa: Dad!
Homer: [frightened] Aah!
 Lisa: I must protest.  You're abusing a program intended to help the
Homer: Hee hee hee, I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to
       see it my way: all my life I've been an obese man trapped inside
       a fat man's body.
 Lisa: Have you told Mom about this?
Homer: No, it would only worry her.  If you want to add to her worries,
       go ahead.  I guess _I'm_ just a little more grateful for all the
       things she's done for us.
-- Backwards rationalizing, "King-Size Homer"

       Lisa: [annoyed] Dad!
      Homer: Yes, sweetheart?
       Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy; any doctor will tell you that.
      Homer: Oh yeah?  Well we'll just see about that little miss smart
              [Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office.]
Dr. Hibbert: [gasps] My God, that's monstrous.  I've never heard of
             anything so negligen -- I'll have no part of it!
              [Turns his back on Homer.]
      Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
    Hibbert: [turns around again] Yes.
-- And that doctor is..., "King-Size Homer"

Dr. Nick Riviera walks into the room.

  Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!
Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick!
      Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously
            underweighted individuals like yourself.  I recommend a slow
            steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
     Homer: [pensive] Of course.
      Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected
            food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group
            and the chocotastic!
     Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
      Nick: Well...be creative.  Instead of making sandwiches with
            bread, use poptarts.  Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,
      Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
  Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
            And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it
            against a piece of paper.  If the paper turns clear, it's
            your window to weight gain.  Bye bye, everybody!
-- Bye, Dr. -- oh, forget it, "King-Size Homer"

Cut to supermarket.

Homer: Oh, it's a dream come true, boy.  I can -- nay I must -- eat
       everything I've always wanted.  Now come on, every second I'm out
       of bed I'm burning precious calories.  Now get grabbing!
-- Shopping becomes fun, "King-Size Homer"

Homer and Bart grab assorted disgusting fattening foods and throw them
in the shopping cart while joyful music plays.  Cut to ice cream shop
where Homer is gorging a sundae.

Homer: [stuffing himself] Ahhh!
 Bart: Eat around the banana, Dad.  It's just empty vitamins.
-- The secret to eating a banana split, "King-Size Homer"

Cut to health food store.  Homer is stocking up on weight gain products.
The cashier observes, "Lucky for you this stuff doesn't work."

Cut to Krusty Burger.  Homer is surrounded by empty wrappers.  Bart
offers him the last sandwich.  Homer says, "I don't know.  Fish
sandwich...are you sure?"  Bart rubs the sandwich on the wall until the
wall turns clear, which is all the excuse Homer needs.  A bird flies
into the newly clear wall.

Cut to Simpsons' bathroom.  Homer steps on the scale.

Homer: [whines] Ohh...225!  That means I lost weight!
 Bart: Ahem...Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
        [Homer moves his stomach blubber.  Scale shows 296.]
Homer: Woo hoo!  Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at
-- So close, "King-Size Homer"

Homer fantasizes about how his life will become once he starts working
at home.  He sits outside wearing sunglasses at his work station under a
sun umbrella.

Marge: Here's your lemonade, and here's your beer.  Ooh, you're such a
       vigorous young go-getter.  When's your next coffee break?
Homer: [lascivious] Any time I want...[growls]
        [They giggle.]
-- Homer's dream world, part one, "King-Size Homer"

Homer puts on a record and dance music fills the air.  He and Marge
begin to dance as Flanders pulls into his driveway and walks by, looking

Flanders: [moaning] Ohh...
   Homer: Hey, Flanders.  Bad day at the rat races?
Flanders: Yeah, a crazy guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran
          over my hat.
-- Homer's dream world, part two, "King-Size Homer"

Homer's fantasy life spills over into reality as he dances around the
bathroom by himself.  Bart entreats Lisa to come and see, and she
giggles when she does.  "Neat!"

Cut to Homer and Marge's bedroom.  Marge is laying on the bed reading a
book.  Homer sits down and his weight causes the bed to tilt, throwing
Marge on top of him.

Marge: [getting thrown on top of Homer] Whoa!
Homer: Oh!  Hello, honey.
Marge: Hi.  Erm, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.  Did
       you put on a little weight this week?
Homer: I was going to surprise you, but what the heck: honey, I'm
       purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!
Marge: [gasps] Have you lost your mind?  Have you thought about your
       health...or your appearance?
Homer: Oh.  So that's it, isn't it, Marge?  Looks.  I didn't know you
       were so shallow.
Marge: Oh, please.  I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but --
Homer: Beautiful.  Good night.
        [Quickly turns off light.]
-- Better not hear the end of that sentence, "King-Size Homer"

Cut to Homer and Bart in the living room, before Homer goes to work.
Homer is weighing himself.

Homer: Oh, I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I have to face another
       day at work!
 Bart: Bad news, Dad.  We're out of food.  We're even out of the basic
       elements of food.  You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the
       soy sauce.
Homer: I need a miracle.  [Maggie squeezes off some Play-Doh and shapes
       it into a donut, handing it to Homer.]
Homer: Aw, honey, that looks just like a real donut.
 Bart: [goading] Dad...its says its non-toxic.
Homer: [eating it] Well, that's a plus.
        [Eats it and weighs himself again.  Just over 300 lbs.]
       Woo woohoohahoo!, I did it!
 Bart: Uh, Dad, towel rack.
        [Homer removes his blubber from it.  Scale reads 315.]
Homer: [gurgles with delight] oh my.
-- With room to spare, "King-Size Homer"

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:55]

Cut to Homer's new home office.  Many plant personnel are gathered
around for the inauguration ceremony.

   Burns: [clears throat] I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work
          terminal; it will allow our safety inspector here to perform
          his duties from home.  And so excelsior to you, Mr...[to
          Smithers] What's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Simpson, Sir.  One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G.
   Burns: Yes...Simpson!
           [Everyone claps.]
   Homer: [teary] Thank you for your pity.
    Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
   Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as
          he finds something good on TV.  But this season...[shudders]
-- The wonder of self-reference, "King-Size Homer"

A member of the press takes a photo of a smiling Burns, whose picture
appears the next day with the headline, "Burns survives shut-in".

Cut to Homer entering "The Vast Waistband", a clothing store.

   Homer: I'm looking for something loose and billowy, something
          comfortable for my first day of work.
Salesman: Work, huh?  Let me guess.  Computer programmer, computer
          magazine columnist, something with computers?
   Homer: Well, I use a computer.
Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what's the connection?  Must be the
          non-stop sitting and snacking.
           [more audibly] Well, sir, many of our clients find pants
          confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample
          gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets,
          muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes --
   Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo.  I'll just go with a
-- Homer, inconspicuous, "King-Size Homer"

Homer walks out in a blue muumuu with red flowers on it as people around
the mall turn to stare.

Cut to Homer's bedroom, next morning.  The radio is announcing the
morning traffic.

Arnie: Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute.  Traffic this
       morning is as bad as it gets.  Due to a fire at the Army testing
       lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the
       expressway.  Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your
       windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
Homer: Hee hee hee.  I pity those poor suckers on the freeway.  Gas
       break honk.  Gas break honk.  Honk honk punch.  Gas gas gas.
        [Walks to terminal.]
       8:58, first time I've ever been early for work.  Except for all
       those daylight savings days.  Lousy farmers.
-- Without whom, new obese Homer wouldn't exist, "King-Size Homer"

Homer reads the computer screen.

 Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key".  Where's the ANY key?
        I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"].  There
        doesn't seem to be any ANY key.  Woo!  All this computer hacking
        is making me thirsty.  I think I'll order a TAB.  [presses TAB
        key] Awp...no time for that now, the computer's starting.
         [reading screen slowly] "Check core temperature, yes slash no."
        [types] Yes.
        "Core temperature normal."  Hmph.  Not too shabby.
        "Vent radioactive gas."  [types] NO.
        "Venting prevents explosi-on."  Heeheee...whoa, this is hard.
        Where's my Tab?  Okay, then, [types] YES, vent the stupid gas.
         [Cut to a farmer tending his corn.  The gas release blows away
        part of the crop.]
Farmer: Oh, no!  The corn.  Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.
-- Curse you, popcorn manufacturers, "King-Size Homer"

Cut back to living room.  Bart and Lisa get ready to leave for school.

Homer: [taunting] Bart and Lisa have to go to school, while I get to
       stay at home, naah naah nah naah naah.
 Lisa: I like school.
Homer: Well, why don't you live at it, then?
 Lisa: [drolly] I would if I could.
 Bart: Not me, sister.  When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's
       comp, just like Dad.
        [Imagines an older, superfat Bart lying on a bed with media
       people all around him.]
        [Southern accent] I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
        [The media applauds.]
-- Love those sponge baths, "King-Size Homer"

 Lisa: Ew!  Mom, this whole thing is really creepy.  Are you sure you
       won't talk to Dad?
Marge: Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how.  Your father can
       be surprisingly sensitive.  {Remember when I giggled at his
       Sherlock Holmes hat?  He sulked for a week and then closed his
       detective agency.}
 Lisa: Well, maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings.  The longer he
       lives likes this, the harder it'll be to go back.
Marge: [realizes] You're right.  Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of
       Homer?  [tries again]
       Homer!  [tries again]
       Homer...that's it.  That's the one.  All right, send him on in.
-- Marge finds her center, "King-Size Homer"

Lisa fetches Homer.

 Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Yes, honey?
 Lisa: Um...Mom just baked a cake.
Homer: Ooh!  [walks into kitchen] Huh?
Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious talk.
Homer: You dragged me all the way from work for that?
Marge: Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your
       controversial plan, shall we?
Homer: I --
Marge: Con!  You're endangering your health.
Homer: Pro: I'm drought-and famine-resistant.
Marge: Con!  You're setting a bad example for the children.
Homer: Pro: I, er, don't have to go to work.
Marge: Con!  You're running the air conditioner non-stop.  It's freezing
       in here.
Homer: Pro.  Uh...uh..  I love you?
Marge: Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.
Homer: Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here and
       nobody's gonna take it away from me.  You never had faith in me
       before, but let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is
       dead.  Now I'm a big fat dynamo!  And where's that cake?
Marge: There's no cake.
Homer: [sulking] Oh.
-- The cake was the cheese, "King-Size Homer"

Homer sits at his terminal.

Homer: "Vent radioactive gas?"  [types] Y E S.
       "Sound alertness horn?"  Y E S. [it sounds in the distance]
       "Decalcify calcium ducts?"  Well, give me a Y, give me a...Hey!
       All I have to type is Y. [to Marge] Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-
       attractive-sexually-anymore: I just tripled my productivity!
Marge: Good.  Good for you.
Homer: Y. Y. Let's see, so many letters to choose from.  I'll pick Y!
       Y. Y. [sees SLH] Wha -- what the heck are you doing over there?
        [Pushes SLH down to the floor.]
       There, you found the floor.
  SLH: Arf!
Homer: Y, Y, Y. Y. Y.
Marge: I'm going out, I run errands during the day.
Homer: Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer?
        [The door slams.]
-- Not in this fat lifetime, "King-Size Homer"

{Later, Homer is nodding off at his terminal.  Mail slides through the

Homer: {[excited] The mail, the mail is here!
       Oooh, an urgent plea from Edward James Olmos.  "Lisa Simpson -
       can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?"  Heh
       heh heh, kids.  Huh?  "Free sample of fabric softener"...woo
-- Filling his idle time, "King-Size Homer"

{Cut to Homer standing in front of the washing machine in the basement.}

       {[his hat tumble-dries to a stop]}
Homer: {[putting it on] Mmm, I _can_ feel three kinds of softness.  }
 Lisa: {Dad, what are you doing down there?}
Homer: {Washing my fat guy hat, honey.}
-- I didn't know there was such a thing..., "King-Size Homer"

Cut to Homer in front of the TV watching a soap

Announcer: We now return to "Search for the Son".
    Woman: According to Daddy's will, _I_ inherit the entire plantation.
      Man: I'll see to it you don't get apricot one!
-- Homer watches daytime TV, "King-Size Homer"

Homer uses a broom to hit at the keyboard in the general vicinity of the
"Y" key.  Several kids gather outside to watch him through the window.

Milhouse: Uh...what's your dad's job again?
    Bart: He's a nuclear safety technician.
  Nelson: What's he doing with that broom?
    Bart: [sheepish] Uh...what isn't he doing?
   Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.
           [laughs, gives Nelson a high five]
    Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone.  Just because he's overweight doesn't
          mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
   Homer: [inside] Hey, what are you kids looking at?
Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!
   Homer: Don't make me close that shade!
           [pokes window with broom, then loses interest]
-- Idle threats -- literally, "King-Size Homer"

 Bart: Hey, Homer, you promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress
Homer: Nuts to that.  I'm going to the movies.
 Lisa: Shouldn't you be working?
Homer: I've got someone to cover for me.
        [Camera shows drinking bird repeatedly pressing 'Y' on the
-- That's using its head, "King-Size Homer"

Homer goes off to "Honk If You're Horny!" starring Faye Dunaway and
Pauly Shore.

    Homer: One for "Honk", please.
Ticketeer: Oh.  Gee, uh, just a minute.  I have to check with the
            [to manager] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
  Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are
           not equipped to meet your needs.
    Homer: What are you talking about?
  Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't
           possibly fit in our seats.
    Homer: I can sit in the aisle.
  Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
Bystander: Hey, Fatty!  I've got a movie for ya: "A Fridge Too Far"!
-- Low fat-jokes, "King-Size Homer"

The rapidly-assembling crowd laughs.

  Homer: Shame on all of you.  Give me my dignity!  I just came here to
         see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace.
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a
         garbage bag full of popcorn.
  Homer: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food.  I'm
         sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes!  The overweight
         individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and
         hard working as everybody else.  And they're going to make
         their voices heard!  All they need is a leader.
          [doffs his cape and struts off]
         Hmph...I'll work harder than ever before and show the world
         that overweight people are not undisciplined, lazy and
          [gets home, sees bird on its side]
         What happened to my bird?
          [Screen is flashing "Situation critical, explosion imminent".]
          [moans] Oh!  Marge?  Lisa?  Flanders?
-- He'll find a scapegoat somewhere, "King-Size Homer"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 17:04]

The screen continues to flash "Explosion imminent".

Homer: "Explosion imminent?"
        [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]
       Oh my God!  The plant's going to explode!
        [shot of Lenny and Carl walking past the rumbling tank]
 Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares?  It's Homer's problem.
-- Abrogation of duty, "King-Size Homer"

Back at the Simpsons...

   Homer: Wait, I know: [types] vent gas.
           [reads screen] "Pressure too high?"
          "Tank must be shut down manually?"
           [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird!  I never should have put
          you in charge!  [strangles it a bit]
          Oh, who am I kidding?  It's all my fault!  [the bird nods]
          I've got to call the plant and warn them!
           [grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at
          a time]
Operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat.  To obtain a
          special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm
   Homer: [screams] Aah!
-- Clever diagnostic messages, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: I'm going to have to shut it down myself.  Fat, don't fail me
        [jumps in car; tires blow out]
        [jumps on skateboard; it snaps in half]
        [moaning] Oh.
        [tries hitchhiking with a sign "Give me a ride or everybody
        [a car pulls over]
        [quickly] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me
       in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere!  Because
       there could be some poison gas, I I mean there's really going to
       be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, Especially me!
        [car drives away]
-- So much for plan A, "King-Size Homer"

An ice cream truck drives into view.  Homer flags it down and starts
blabbering again.

 Homer: Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car --
Vendor: [frightened] Take anything you want, man!  Take it all!
-- Homer vs. Big Chief Krazy Kone, "King-Size Homer"

Homer pushes him out of the truck and drives away.  Cut to Burns and
Smithers leading exercise at the SNPP.  Burns entreats, "Push out the
jive...bring in the love."  On the school bus, Ralph is sitting behind

Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the
       restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
 Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some
       kind of food-crazed maniac.
Homer: [driving past the bus, stuffing his face] Oh, that's raspberry!
-- Well, not usually, anyway, "King-Size Homer"

Homer crashes through the gate at the SNPP.  The exercise crowd gets
excited upon seeing the ice-cream truck.

Burns: Workers, please!  There will be time for the frozen pudding wagon
       later.  You still owe me ten more Iroquois Twists!
        [The crowd obeys.]
       Ten Hi Ya Ya...
       and Nine Hi Ya Ya...
-- Aerobatic devotion, "King-Size Homer"

Homer drives up the side of one of the cooling towers, some workers
holding frantically onto the sides of the truck.

    Homer: Get away, damn it!  Run for your lives!
Worker #1: I'll take a rocket pop!
Worker #2: What can I get for thirty cents!?
    Homer: Let go, I've got to get to the tank!
            [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]
Worker #3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
-- "King-Size Homer"

Homer climbs the side of the ready to burst tank.  He passes signs
pointing to the "manual shutdown" switch.  As the workers count off the
last few Iroquois Twists, Homer struggles to reach the switch, only to
fall and grab clutching at the catwalk above the tank.  "Stupid switch!"
he laments, "I wish I had my reaching broom!  Wait a minute, there's
probably a --" The tank explodes, venting green gas with great force.
Homer falls screaming into the tank opening, his tremendous girth
sealing the opening and ending the crisis.

Later, all the employees gather to applaud Homer.

Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential
       Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.  Bravo!
        [Places an award around Homer's neck.]
 Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man
       would have fallen to his death.
 Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the
       release of toxic gas --
Marge: Bart!
Burns: [to Homer]
       We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you
Homer: Thank you Mr. Burns --
        [giggles as the technicians hose off his lower half]
       It was pretty scary up there -- [laughs] -- for a while I feared
       for my life -- [laughs more]
Burns: Now Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you...please
       don't hesitate to ask.
Homer: [gazing at Marge before answering]
       Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?
Burns: I guarantee it.
-- Give him a week..., "King-Size Homer"

Cut to the exercise yard at night.  Mr. Burns is leading a chant while
Homer tries to do sit-ups.

Burns: One...ONE....ONE!
        [Homer struggles to do one situp.]
       Bah, I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer: Woo hoo!
-- The easy way out, "King-Size Homer"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21:16]


   {mc}  Mike Calandra
   {dd}  Daniel deHam
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dominik Halas
   {jl}  Jose Lafaurie
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {jm}  Joe Manfre
   {jp}  Jussi Pakkanen
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry and Gary
Goldberg.  Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)