Mayored to the Mob                                        Written by Ron Hauge
                                              Directed by Swinton O. Scott III
==============================================================================
Production code: AABF05                   Original Airdate on FOX: 20-Dec-1998
Capsule revision C (26-May-2002)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis  {hl}
==============================================================================
   (Canadian) Homer's a hometown hero after rescuing Mayor Quimby and Mark
   Hamill of "Star Wars" from a life and death situation.

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     "THE PRESIDENT DID IT" IS NOT AN EXCUSE  {ddg}

Couch:          Everybody is crushed into a block auto-crusher style [Recycled
                from 5F03 and 5F12]  {ddg}

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Uter wears a "Futurama" shirt to the convention?  ["Despite this crass
       commercialization, Matt Groening left his name on the episode," notes
       {bjr}]

Andy Barton:
   ... 22 2101
   ... the brakes screeching on Titanic?
   ... Alf is supposed to be at the convention but isn't seen?

Rich Bunnell:
   ... 21 0450
   ... Quimby didn't just climb into the window of the restroom when he was
       hanging on for his life?

Ellen Cohen:
   ... 22 1605
   ... someone in the crowd dressed as one of the Borg?
   ... at least five people dressed as Mr. Spock?

Ben Collins:
   ... 21 0625
   ... Lenny, Carl, Mayor Quimby and the Simpsons are the only
       Springfieldianites in their usual clothing at the convention?
   ... there may or may not be crude renditions of a.t.s.'s regulars at the
       convention?  (I think I spotted at least Dale and Ondre) <g> [Dale sez:
       "No, no, that wasn't me, it was Milhouse.  Easy mistake, happens all
       the time..."  Ondre sez:  Per*haps* if Lewis had short straight hair
       and a kind of dopey face, he'd pass for me."]
   ... Homer still has *some* decency (a distaste for rat milk)?

Don Del Grande:
   ... 21 0505
   ... the robot was voiced by Dick Tufeld, the real voice of the original
       "Lost in Space" robot (although he was never credited), as well as the
       robot's voice in the movie (where he was credited)?
   ... C-3P0's head looks a lot like Homer's?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... 21 0345
   ... the eerie abundance of martinis in this episode?
   ... Bill's and Marty's alien costumes look a bit like Grampa Simpson,
       especially at the tops of the heads?
   ... the intro shot of the Science Fiction Convention seemed to be lifted
       straight out of the Convention intro in 4F08?
   ... CBG and his new female companion are wearing the same shirt?
   ... her braces twinkle?
   ... the mouse hole in the wall at the bodyguard training academy?
   ... Moe keeps Quimby's "change" on his person?
   ... the kids clear their dishes without complaining?
   ... the slot machines at the Legitimate Businessmen's' Social Club?
   ... the rats' milk is being made specifically for Springfield Elementary?
       (i.e., they aren't taking the more efficient route of distributing many
       schools at once?)
   ... the doors at Springfield Elementary's cafeteria violate a fire code by
       swinging in?
   ... the animators took the time to draw tiny people walking far below the
       dangling Mayor Quimby?
   ... when Fat Tony is arrested, the clock reads 2:45?

Alex Foley:
   ... 21 0309
   ... C-3PO's head flying during the riot?
   ... Quimby's doorbell plays "Hail to the Chief"?  (is the country ready for
       President Quimby?)

Jeremy Gallen:
   ... 21 0135
   ... Quimby doesn't even bother to swing into the ladies room?
   ... five cats drinking the rat's milk?

Joe Green:
   ... 21 1604
   ... Mark wears his Skywalker costume throughout the episode?
   ... the bodyguard school is a division of Ray-Ban?
   ... Homer's watermelon is labeled "Ann Landers"?
   ... Quimby can hardly bring himself to say "wife"?

Darrel Jones:
   ... 21 0443
   ... Homer knows Ramadan is the Islamic holy month?  (It started about the
       time this ep first aired, BTW.)
   ... Ann Landers is apparently important to our national security?

Joe Klemm:
   ... 21 0152
   ... one stand at the convention is for Roswell, the green alien that
       appears in Bongo Comics?

Haynes Lee:
   ... 21 0227
   ... snooty waiters sounds like French waiter from the Flintstones?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... 21 0819
   ... somebody dressed as Geordi LaForge from Star Trek: The Next Generation
       in the convention crowd?
   ... somebody dressed as Xena: Warrior Princess in the convention crowd?
   ... how out of place Lenny, Karl and Groundskeeper Willie look in this
       convention crowd?
   ... most everyone in the background in some of the scenes at the theater is
       frozen perfectly still?

Michael Morbius:
   ... 21 1238
   ... the words "THOUSAND DOLLAR MOVIE" were written in a font very like
       "Chicago," the Macintosh system font?
   ... Smithers was at the convention?
   ... Artie Ziff was at the convention?
   ... the sarcastic middle-aged clerk was at the convention?

Frank Pul:
   ... unlike the real Cylons in "Battlestar Galactica," the ones wrestling
       didn't have the moving red eye?
   ... the Robot from "Lost in Space" knows Bart Simpson's name?
   ... the Bodyguard school teacher was sitting behind a grassy knoll (on a
       cart) with the rifle?
   ... the "Chief Wiggum, PI" music as he busts in the door at the social
       club?
   ... the cats licking up the milk looked like real cats, not like Snowball?
   ... Burns and Smithers are sitting VERY close to each other at the dinner
       theater?  ["and Burns looks disgusted," adds {bc}]

Tom Rinschler:
   ... 21 0203
   ... Marge was wearing blue gloves while doing the dishes?
   ... the picture of the Victorian mayor (or someone) in Quibmy's office?
   ... the clock in Fat Tony's club reads 9:04 when the bust occurs?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... 22 0021
   ... a booth selling "Meteor Rocks" in the establishing shot of the Bi-Mon-
       Sci-Fi-Con floor?
   ... if you listen closely, Hamill says, "back off, you freakin' dweebs!"
   ... in the fight at the convention, someone holds a knife to a fan dressed
       as the Invisible Man
   ... some animator took the trouble of drawing Hamill in a cross-hatched
       shirt, even when a solid blue one would have sufficed?
   ... a man in the crowd at the dinner theater refers to Hamill as, "Mr.
       Skywalker"?

Mike Smith:
   ... 22 0215
   ... the chalkboard gag appeared the day after the House voted on Clinton's
       impeachment?
   ... the Vita theme from the unaired "Star Trek" episode, "The Cage"
       appeared as CBG got his eyes on the girl?
   ... Milhouse can drink rat milk, but, still can't drink real milk?
   ... Homer still called Rev. Lovejoy as "What His Name"?
   ... Uter wearing a "Futurama" T-shirt?

Dave Sweatt:
   ... 21 1224
   ... Mayor Quimby's introduction of Mark Hamill was knowledgeable and
       correct?  [See "Previous Episode References" for more]

Gary Wilson:
   ... 21 0153
   ... Princess Cashmere, Ruth Powers, the Pimply Faced Teenager and more are
       also training to be the mayors bodyguards?  [{jk} also noticed Mr. Van
       Houten, and {nd} adds Gil]
   ... how much different the other gangsters voices have become since Bart
       the Murder?
   ... they have a new sign, and are now called the *Legitimate Business Mans
       *Social* Club"?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, C-3PO  {dga}, Mayor Quimby, Groundskeeper
        Willie, Dinner theater Maitre D' [?])
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Marty the alien, Geeky-voice teen, Comic Book Guy, Carl,
        Professor Frink, Moe, Legs, Chief Wiggum)
   - Harry Shearer ("Thousand Dollar Movie" announcer, man in movie, Phil the
        alien, Neil Armstrong's aide, Neil Armstrong, Principal Skinner,
        Lenny, Bodyguard #1, Bodyguard #2, Leavelle [?], Louie (the gangster),
        Lou (the cop), Kent Brockman, Ned Flanders, Dinner theater chef)

- Special Guest Voices
   - Mark Hamill (Himself)
   - Joe Mantegna (Fat Tony)
   - Dick Tufeld ("Lost in Space" robot)
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Database, Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Clarice)
   - Maggie Roswell (Comic Book Lady)
   - Russi Taylor (Uter)
   - Karl Weidergott (John Harris)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Married to the Mob"
      - title an obvious take-off

   + Clinton Presidential scandal  {jk}
      - blackboard gag refers to this
      - Quimby dangles in front of an intern restroom

   + "Titanic"  {tr}
      - the "$1000 Movie" is a cheap rip off of the blockbuster

   + "Jaws"  {tr}
      - he risen Titanic attacking the survivors is reminiscent of this movie

   ~ "Superfriends"  {dj}
      - on one episode, the Titanic was raised, developed a mouth and sharp
        teeth, and reaped destruction  [See "Comments" section for more]

   + "Alf"  {tr}
      - he star of this TV show is one of the attractions of the convention

   + "Battlestar Galactica"  {tr}
      - he robots from this TV series are to tag-team wrestle at the
        convention

   + "Star Wars"  {jg}
      - "use the forks" is similar to "Use the force"

   + "Star Trek"
      - "Set Phasers on Fun" a spoof of the original series' signature phrase,
        "Set phasers on stun"  {ddg}
      - several characters at the convention dress as characters from the
        various incarnations of this show
      - Homer's sleeper hold looks more like a Vulcan nerve pinch  {hl}
      - music playing when Comic Book guy fell in love was either from the
        "Star Trek:  The Original Series" episode with the blood sucking woman
        or the Glass Menagerie episode  {hl}

   + "Revenge of the Nerds"
      - Homer yells "Nerds!" just like Ogre does when he first spots the nerds
        from the roof of his fraternity building

   - "Barbarella"  {mwh}
      - Edna Krabappel dresses like her at the convention

   + "The Day the Earth Stood Still"  {dt}
      - Gort shows up at the convention

   + "Godzilla"  {dt}
      - so does the old-style Godzilla [{dt} adds, "Lets face it, there is
        only one Godzilla and Groening picked the right one." -- Ed.]

   + "Doctor Who"  {tr}
      - Tom Baker from this TV series is signing autographs with the TARDIS to
        one side

   + First Moon landing  {ddg}
      - Neil Armstrong was there
      - he says "This is one small step toward firing your ass", similar to
        his first words on the moon

   + "Lost in Space"
      - the original Dr. Smith and the original robot were there  {ddg}
      - Bart mentions the movie  {tr}
      - robot says, "Danger, Danger, [insert name here]"  {bjr}

   + "Roswell" comics  {gs}
      - a booth behind Comic Book Guy is lettered "Roswell," in the same
        manner as the comic book
      - [{al} adds, As there is little use in stating, Bongo also puts out the
        Simpsons comic book.  Cross-promotion, people.  -- Ed.]

   + "Alien Autopsy"  {hl}
      - Comic Book Guy and his lady love both wear "Alien Autopsy" shirts

   + "Moonraker"  {mo}
      - scene where CBG falls in love with the nerd with braces on her teeth
        similar to one where Jaws falls for a nerdy Scandinavian girl

   + "Land of the Lost" (The original Sid & Marty Krofft Saturday-morning
      show)  {jk}
      - convention-goers dressed as the Sleeslak, the lizards from this show
        about a family that is trapped in a world where dinosaurs roam

   + "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson"  {tr}
      - Robbie the Robot imitates Ed MacMahon's patented laugh

   - "Wonder Woman"  {tr}
      - Mark Hamill takes out a cut-out of this comic book/TV character with
        his light saber

   + Ramadan  {hl}
      - biggest religion event on the Muslim calendar starting this week [That
        is, the week this episode aired -- Ed.]

   + Kennedy assassination (and aftermath)  {hl}
      - Marshall looks like one who escorted Lee Harvey Oswald just before he
        was shot
      - Marshall is shooting from what appears to be a "grassy knoll"

   + "An Officer and a Gentleman"  {dt}
      - The training scene and the humiliation scene seemed to have been taken
        from this movie

   + "The Godfather" movie series  {jg}
      - the setting of the Mafia hideout and music, and also the mobsters

   + Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator  {tr}
      - like Mayor Quimby (or is that the Department of Transportation?),
        people may not have agreed with him, but "he made the trains run on
        time"

   + Milk ads  {tr}
      - Lisa wears a "milk moustache" like people in the ads (although they
        probably didn't use rat milk (and [the original milk ads] didn't use
        real milk either))
      - [Andrew Levine notes, "And of course, there was one of those ads with
        Bart and Lisa in it.]

   + "Weekend at Bernies'"  {tr}
      - Homer contemplates using Quimby's corpse with this film as his guide.

   - "The Rock"  {hl}
      - dangling man from balcony to make deal

   ~ "The Lion King"  {jg}
      - Kent Brockman talks about the circle of life

   + "Hail to the Chief"  {tr}
      - plays on Quimby's doorbell

   + "The Untouchables"  {hl}
      - smashing the casks of rat milk (cf. Smashing beer casks)
      - Fat Tony's "I want this man dead" threat similar to one made by Capone
        in the movie  {ag}
      - beating Quimby with a bat

   - "Bullets over Broadway"  {al}
      - Mobsters at a musical

   + "Hooray for Hollywood"  {jg}
      - "Guys and Dolls" [the song in this episode, not the musical] is
        similar

   + "Guys and Dolls"  {nd}

   + "Luck, Be a Lady Tonight"
      - "Luke, Be a Jedi Tonight" is similar

   + "Othello"  {tr}
      - Shakespeare's play obviously was done poorly at the dinner theatre
        recently

   + "The Godfather"
      - mobster's hand pinned to table by fork  {hl}
      - "kiss of death" scene  {ddg}

   + "Rent"  {tr}
      - Homer thought that Louie may have had appeared in this musical

   + "Stomp"  {tr}
      - Homer also thought that Louie had been in this group which uses
        everyday items to create music

   + "The Bodyguard"
      - "I Will Always Love You" is played
      - Homer carrying Mark in his arms  {al}

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Fat Tony Appearances  {hl}
   - [8F03] Bart worked for him
   - [1F09], [2F03], [3G01] Wanted poster in police station
   - [2F12] Ran gambling racket
   - [2F17] Comic book convention attended by nerds
   - [3F15] Said Troy McClure "sleeps with the fishes", literally!
   - [3F20] Gave Apu false immigration papers
   - [4F03] In boxing audience
   - [4F08] Ran pretzel racket
   - [5F16] At picnic

- Botched Mayor Quimby Introductions  {ds}
   - [9F10] L. Nimoy/Weren't you one of the Lil' Rascals?
   - [9F18] the Larry White/Barry White fiasco

- [7G07] Jimbo and gang looking at fluffy clouds  {hl}
- [7F21] Mayor Quimby speaks at a convention featuring comics  {ol}
- [8F03] The gangsters blatantly cheat at poker  {bjr}
- [8F03] The Legitimate Businessmen's Social Club  {jg}
- [9F07] Bart's refusal to recognize the original Doctor Smith was like his
         encounter with Adam West  {mm}
- [9F07] Bart's only knowledge of a past TV series is based upon a movie
         remake  {ol}
- [9F07] Bart doesn't recognize a TV actor appearing in his role, knowing only
         the movie version  {ddg}
- [9F14] References to Ann Landers  {ol}
- [9F14] Homer munches out on watermelon  {hl}
- [9F21], [3F02] References to ALF  {ol}
- [1F02] Homer confronts nerds  {hl}
- [1F09] Kickbacks mentioned  {je}
- [1F17] Skinner's love for Star Wars  {je}
- [2F02] Mayor Quimby runs against Sideshow Bob  {hl}
- [2F08] A Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space" type says "The pain!  The pain of it
         all!"  {dj}
- [2F12] The "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club" appears  {bjr}
- [2F19] Imitation milk called "malk"  {hl}
- [3F02], [3G01] Alf referenced  {je}
- [3F07] Homer calls Rev. Lovejoy "What's his Name" (Cf. "Captain What's his
         Name")  {af}
- [3F08] Fourth incarnation of Dr. Who appears  {dld}
- [3F24] Mayor Quimby kicks Homer out of his election headquarters  {hl}
- [3G01] Chewbacca references  {jg}
- [3G01] Gort is seen  {dj}
- [3G02] Milhouse drinking different kind of milk  {ms}
- [3G02] Cockroach at Moe's  {ms}
- [4F09] Skinner admits to be a 44 year old virgin  {hl}
- [4F19], [4F22] Swarms of rats moving in unison  {je}
- [5F01] Advertisement with twirling heads (if that makes any sense)  {je}
- [5F07] Sack with a "$" dollar sign  {je}
- [5F08] Homer doesn't know what a bribe is  {dj}
- [5F16] Homer forgets Reverend Lovejoy's name  {je}
- [5F23] Spaceship revealed to be a fake  {hl}
- [AABF01] Futurama referenced  {je}
- [AABF02] Chalkboard gag reference to the Clinton affair  {ms}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Sign at the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con  {bjr}

      SCIENCE FICTION
        CONVENTION
    SET PHASERS ON FUN!

- Convention Attendees  {bjr}

As is often the case, when science fiction devotees gather, you're
sure to see people dressed as their favorite characters.  Here are
some of the interesting people, robots, and aliens that I spotted:

    -    Chewbacca ["Star Wars"] (at the door; Willie also has a
           Chewbacca T-shirt)
    -    Geordi LaForge ["Star Trek:  The Next Generation"]  {ol}
    -    Gort ["The Day the Earth Stood Still"] [1]  {dt}
    -    Dr. Who [1]  {tr}
    -    Godzilla [1]  {dt}
    -    Neil Armstrong [2]  {ddg}
    -    "Pig" guard ["Return of the Jedi"]
    -    "Other" guard ["Return of the Jedi"] (I don't know the name,
           but Lando Calrissian was disguised himself as this kind to
           infiltrate Jabba the Hutt's lair.)
    -    Dr. Smith ["Lost in Space"] [1]  {ddg}
    -    Robot ["Lost in Space"] [1]  {ddg}
    -    The Invisible Man (in bandages)
    -    Imperial Stormtroopers (cutouts, and later Homer punches
           someone in Stormtrooper costume)
    -    Wonder Woman [3]  {tr}
    -    Spock ["Star Trek"] (many different people, including
           Skinner!)
    -    Xena  ["Xena:  Warrior Princess"]  {ol}
    -    Radioactive Man
    -    C-3P0 ["Star Wars"] (head only) [4]
    -    Seeslak ["Land of the Lost"]  {al}
    -    Borg drone ["Star Trek:  The Next Generation"]

  Notes:

    [1] The actual man, machine, or monster, not a fan in costume
    [2] Not a science-fiction character.  In real life, Mr. Armstrong
        is mobbed during his rare public appearances
    [3] Not a science-fiction character
    [4] Also appears in the convention commercial, along with "Star
        Wars" co-star R2D2, and the Cylons from "Battlestar Galactica"

- Bodyguard academy sign  {bjr}

    [Picture of]  LEAVELLE'S
    [ Leavelle ]  BODYGUARD
                  ACADEMY
    A DIVISION OF RAY-BAN

- The watermelon labels  {hl}
   - Sting, Madonna, Al Gore, Ann Landers

- On the academy campus  {bjr}

    BERATING ROOM

                  SESSION
                    IN
                  PROGRESS

- Milk carton label  {bjr}

    SQUEAKY FARMS
        BRAND

    [Fat Tony with]
    [ a pitchfork ]

    GENUINE ANIMAL
       M I L K

- Dinner theater sign  {bjr}

     MARK        PEPPER
    HAMILL       STEAK

     [pic]       [pic]

      IS           IS
    NATHAN        THE
    DETROIT      ENTREE

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
*  If the convention was bi-monthly then how come OFF didn't know about it?
   {ab}

-  The TARDIS (the blue box at the "Doctor Who" booth) should have the words
   "public call", the first on top of the latter, squeezed between the words
   "police box" on the top panel.  {tr}

*  In reality, Jonathan Harris doesn't do "appearances" or "cameos"; this is
   why he doesn't appear in the "Lost in Space" movie.  {ddg}

=  The window in Quimby's limousine goes from closed to open in the blink of
   an eye.  {je}

=  Quimby is absent when Mark Hamill is there, and then when the bodyguards
   show up, he is on the bench.  {ab}

=  The microphone stand Mark uses disappears, then appears back on stage at
   the convention.  {ab}

=  The oranges switch places on the floor when Homer tackles Marge.  {ab}

*  School lunches are subsidized by the federal government (through U.S.
   agricultural surpluses), not local governments.  {bc}

=  Fat Tony's martini is empty, but he takes another sip in the next shot.
   {je}

*  In 3G02-Lisa's Sax, Milhouse says that real milk can kill him, so he has to
   drink Soy Milk.  Then again, he is drinking milk in 4F01-Lisa's Date with
   Density.  Then again, this is Rat's Milk ... so ... [Head explodes]  [Clif
   Duhn counters, It's possible to lose allergies as one gets older, but since
   no one in the Simpsons has aged in 10 years, that's not too likely."]  {af}

=  The beginning shot of Quimby's building is different when Quimby is hanging
   out of the window.  {ab}

=  The window for the most part disappears while Mayor Quimby is hanging by
   it.  {bh}

=  When Chief Wiggum busts into the social club, the overcoats on the wall
   move.  {je}

=  When Fat Tony says, "I am not so much disappointed ..." the dark circles
   under his eyes briefly disappear.  {bjr}

=  Fat Tony's place is in the basement, then changes to the first floor when
   Quimby lets the rats out.  {ab}

*  Bart should've learned his lesson about the mob in 8F03.  {bc}

*  Mark Hamill apparently plays Nathan Detroit, but sings "Luck be a Lady
   Tonight," which in the play is sung by Sky, not Detroit.  {ms2}

-  After the presentation of "Guys and Dolls", did anyone notice that the set
   that Mark Hamill destroyed was perfectly repaired and standing where it was
   supposed to be?  {bh}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  A funny episode: probably as successful as any episode
   could be with such an absurd premise.  But pardon me if I'm less than
   enthusiastic about the zillionth consecutive "absurd premise" episode.
   (B+)

Rich Bunnell:  After the really, really weak "Kidney Trouble" a few weeks ago,
   this one was a breath of fresh air.  The typecasting of Mark Hamill in
   every scene that he was in stole the show, but Homer's constant use of the
   "sleep grip" was pretty friggin' funny too.  And the whole "rat milk" thing
   was hilariously disgusting.  Sorta disjointed at parts, but hey!  It made
   me laugh.  (A)

Ben Collins:  It's getting boring to read the same reviews every week: way too
   much Homer, Homer's a jerk (this time, he turns his ignorance of Maggie
   into outright hatred), family in the background, too much focus on minor
   characters (I question whether they can still legally use the name "The
   Simpsons," when "Homer and the Townspeople, with Special Guests Homer's
   Family" would be more appropriate), dumb workaday gags, etc.  Well, here we
   have another episode deserving those same comments.  There is some
   well-placed social satire, which barely saves this episode from a D, but
   alas, it needs more.  (C)

Nathan DeHoff:  This episode seemed to suffer more than a bit from what might
   be called "recycled joke syndrome."  It took a lot of ideas that had been
   explored at least once (and usually several times) before (the people of
   Springfield rioting, trouble with the Mafia, Mayor Quimby's womanizing,
   and, of course, that old favorite, Homer getting a new job and wackiness
   ensuing), and put them together into a weakly unified plot.  While amusing
   to watch, the episode hardly seems like one that will go down into history
   as a classic.  There were some well-done parts (Homer's bodyguard training,
   for instance), but, as a whole, the episode just didn't work all that well.
   (C)

Jeff Dean:  This one wasn't half bad.  I was afraid it would be another
   episode involving Homer getting himself into some outrageous situation
   through his own stupidity, and to an extent it was.  Unlike other such
   episodes, though, this one had a good setup and generally funny writing
   throughout.  A few points off for Mark Hamill's extended appearance late in
   the ep; it seemed kind of forced.  Still, above average.  (A-)

Jordan Eisenberg:  Disappointing, but only because of the many people who
   chimed in with early, extremely positive reviews.  A lot of things were a
   bit cheesy, and the musicals weren't as good as I'd hoped.  But it was
   still a very funny episode: my favorite part is Homer switching hands to
   shake as Quimby is dangling from the window.  I wish Marge and the kids
   could have been featured more, but it's worth it to see Fat Tony for the
   first time in a while.  Decent episode.  (B-)

Alex Foley:  Ron Hauge seems to have trouble writing 3rd acts!  The 1st 2 acts
   were great (esp. OFF's visit to the Sci-Fi Convention), however the
   episodes loses steam in the 3rd act, and the musical number fell flat.
   However overall, the episode was fun to watch, but please, just one episode
   in which Homer is not the star!  (B)

Jeremy Gallen:  In the words of Mr. Garrison of South Park, "Well, spank my
   ass and call = me Charlie.  Isn't this exciting?"  That's what I was
   thinking during = the episode.  In other words, I loved this episode!  It
   had everything = in it!  IMHO, a great episode.  What else can I say?  (A+)

Andrew Gill:  After a passable first act, this episode just seemed to decline
   into utter worthlessness.  What did Mark Hamill do that Harry Shearer
   couldn't?  How many times do we need to see Homer getting in a new job only
   to screw it up and almost kill someone?  The homophobic remarks didn't
   escape me either, and I'm waiting for someone to explain what was funny
   about that episode.  All in all, a rather lackluster episode.  In fact, I'd
   rather watch a clip show about Quimby's life than this.  (C)

Nate Harar:  This show was virtually flawless.  Adding "Alf" to any episode is
   always funny.  I didn't give it an A because the ending scene dragged a
   little.  Homer had some really good quotes (remarking that Mayor Quimby's
   corpse was climbing up the side of the building).  Good episode!  The
   writers should keep it up!  (B+)

Darrel Jones:  The best episode of Season Ten yet.  The "Thou$and Dollar"
   production of "Titanic" was hilarious.  And the play had me laughing out
   loud for the first time in ages.  Everything in between was also
   worthwhile, with the highlight being the bodyguard school.  9/10.  (A)

Joe Klemm:  The whole Sci-Fi convention bit was one of the cleverest ways to
   start an episode, which builds up to a another very funny season 10 episode
   of the season.  Hopefully, the writers will use the humor from this and
   D'oh-in' In the Wind to help them in later episodes.  (A)

Haynes Lee:  The best Homer episode in a very long time and one of the best
   all round from the last three years. For once Homer was not portrayed
   totally stupid or as a total a**hole.  (A+)

Jake Lennington:  Woo Hoo!  A decent Homer episode for once!  I loved the Sci
   Fi convention and the rips on Star Wars and other shows.  I'm even glad
   they had the Tom Baker look-a-like as the Doctor from Doctor Who.  (B+)

Andrew Levine:  This episode had an interesting twist on the old
   Homer-gets-a-new-job plot: He actually does the job extraordinarily well,
   much better than Quimby's bodyguards.  I think it's time for everyone on
   this NG to accept the fact that Homer is simply no longer an SNPP employee,
   he just drifts from job to job. Some of the jokes were quite funny,
   although the only ones that stuck in my mind were "How was I supposed to
   know it's not a real spaceship?" and the Peppered Steak thing.  (B+)

Ondre Lombard:  Generally speaking, this was the funniest episode so far of
   Season Ten.  Many jokes didn't have to overly thrive off of themselves, and
   most of all, the story moved quickly.  Not to say it wasn't without its
   problems.  The plot, while vaguely commendable, gets its set-up from yet
   another boring mob scene or fight and Mark Hamill comes inches close to
   being yet another gratuitous celebrity.  Also, the animation is poor for
   the most part. Characters are drawn badly a lot of the time, and the
   animation has that weird aspect to it that reminds me of "The Cartridge
   Family."  Meanwhile, the "Cape Feare"'ish plot was thankfully amusing, and
   Homer was even 98% tolerable [...]  I'm not sure how this episode will
   stand in time, but for now, it's more laughs than I've had all year.  (B)

Abhi Ray:  I can't say much about this episode, except that it was the
   funniest in a long time.  Louie dancing, the waiter, Mark Hamill, Homer's
   sleeper hold, were among the highlights.  However, Fat Tony was somewhat
   unfunny.  Like Curse of the Flying Hellfish, the plot was made more for an
   action movie, and not for a Simpsons episode.  Still, it was funny, and
   that's what counts.  (B+)

Tom Rinschler:  A load of laughs, a tight plot, and good characterization all
   add up to an excellent episode.  Homer's decision to take a new job wasn't
   outlandish (surely Mayor's bodyguard pays much better and is much more
   exciting than his old one), and he certainly wasn't a complete dolt;
   indeed, his rarely-seen conscientious side was greatly on display on this
   episode (saving lives, breaking the rat-milk scandal, etc.).  Altogether a
   wonderful 30 minutes.  (A)

Yours Truly:  Here's an episode that shows that there is life in "The
   Simpsons" yet. Funny from start to finish, and with the clever kind of
   humor we like to see from the show, rather than just off-the-wall stuff.
   The science-fiction convention takes the cake comedically, but the rest of
   the story, where Homer serves as bodyguard to Mayor Quimby, holds up pretty
   well.  Mark Hamill is great (and a great sport) as himself, as is Joe
   Mantegna.  (A-)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B+ (3.30)   Std Dev.: 0.7188   (27 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Now, this is the guy who should've won Best Picture

Alex Foley writes a quick bio of Roger Corman:  Low budget B-Movie director,
   who is currently making films on Showtime.  His recent movies always put
   his name in front of the title (as was the case with Roger Corman's
   Titanic).  Many of his older B-Movies, such as "It Conquered the World"
   (with Lee Van Clef, Peter Graves and Beverly Garland), "Teenage Caveman"
   (with Robert Vaughn), and "The Undead" (with ... well no one)  have
   appeared on "Mystery Science Theater 3000".  He also did many  Edgar Allen
   Poe adaptations such as "Tales of Terror" and "The Haunted Palace" (both
   starring Vincent Price).  More about Corman can be read in his
   autobiography, "How I Made A Hundred Movies in Hollywood and Never Lost A
   Dime" ... or you can get some Corman info here [as of December 1998,
   anyway]: http://www.mst3kinfo.com/daddyp/di_311.html


Benjamin Robinson:  It's doubly funny that Corman should tackle "Titanic,"
   since Cameron's version is one of the most expensive movies ever made, with
   a rumored cost in excess of $100,000,000.  [Ben Collins puts it closer to
   $200 million -- Ed.]


Darrel Jones:  FWIW, Cartoon Network recently showed a 1978 episode of
   "Superfriends" in which the Titanic is invaded by some sentient seaweed
   that takes over the ship, raises it to the surface, and causes it to act
   like a menacing shark, similar to the Titanic in Corman's "film" ... could
   this be a coincidence?


>> Danger, danger, Dick Tufeld

Dick =who=?  Ted Mills knows:  I didn't see Jonathan Harris in the credits,
   but I did see Dick Tufeld, who really was the voice of the Robot in the
   Lost in Space TV series AND in the movie.


>> Danger, danger, Jonathan Harris

Patrick Dolan explains that the pedophilia undertones of Bart's encounter with
   Dr. Smith have a precedent:  The joke plays off the connection between Dr.
   Smith and Will Robinson on the original series.  They always seemed to wind
   up together, leading people to form various lewd theories about what Dr.
   Smiths true motives were.  It didn't help that he always seemed to be
   trying to lure Will away from the other adults for his various schemes, and
   his excuses always sounded _quite_ questionable.


>> Danger, danger ... aw, the heck with it

Benjamin Robinson:  For those of you who have as short as memory as Bart, yes,
   there was a "Lost in Space" television show, which inspired the recent
   movie.  It aired, on CBS if I'm not mistaken, in the Sixties.  By the way,
   CBS supposedly chose to air this over another science-fiction series it was
   offered -- "Star Trek".


>> Use the force ... of Sprint Telecommunications

Someone posting from an Earthlink account objected to Hamill's little plug for
   Sprint:  The episode was generally good, but I DID NOT like/approve of the
   blatant "Sprint" plug during the episode.  And that's what it was, plain &
   simple.  Not a joke regarding "long-distance companies" or a pseudo-name,
   but Mark Hamill actually using the "Sprint" name, and a chart showing a
   large "Sprint" bar.  AND to top it all off, during the commercial break,
   yep...a Sprint ad...Could this be the hand of Mr. Murdoch at work...?


Gary Wilson rebuts:  I hope you're kidding, (maybe you are) But that was
   clearly a joke!  It was a reference to how people sell out, i.e., they were
   looking forward to meeting their favorite celebrity, Mark Hamill, only for
   him to advertise a telephone company.

   The Simpson creators/Fox did not get any money from these [product
   placements] you refer to, though they may have had to get permission to use
   the company names. That is about it.  If you didn't understand these jokes,
   I don't know how you understand *anything else* going on in this show.

   If they *were* going to use product placement, they would not be so blatant
   about it.  If it really *was* an ad, the Simpsons writers/Fox would realize
   it would anger many to be done in such a blatant manner, much like the
   crowds reaction to Mark Hamill's Sprint monologue.


>> That's what a hamburger is all about

Ben Collins extols the virtue of the double-double burger:  The "Double
   Double" burger Homer alluded to is probably a reference to the main menu
   item at In-N-Out Burger, a fast-food chain with outlets in California and
   Nevada (including one in my hometown of Ventura).  Well, the demeaning term
   "fast food" does this wonderful chain a big disservice.  In-N-Out is well
   known for juicy, mouth-watering burgers with great-tasting meat (for a
   change) and freshly-baked buns.  Advertisements trumpet the fresh
   ingredients and lack of heat lamps, freezers, and microwave ovens.  If
   you're visiting or driving through the West Coast, I highly recommend
   giving this chain a try.  Be sure to sample their real ice-cream shakes and
   never-frozen French fries as well as the famous Double Double.


>> Then there was that period when Springfield's trains ran on time

Dave Sweatt comments on the changing nature of Springfield's town government:
   The Mayor's office and government building have changed again.  In
   [AABF05], it was called the Springfield Municipal Building.  It has been
   the Town Hall since Mayor Quimby was introduced, which had a very
   recognizable architecture.  In [7G03], before the Mayor was introduced, the
   building was officially called City Hall, and was run by a City Council,
   not the Mayor.


>> Got Milk?

Jeremy Gallen:  Although it may sound kind of silly, rats can give milk.  Any
   mammal can give milk.  As I learned in Life Science (seventh grade) the
   definition of "mammal" is "Any animal that has hair, and produces milk for
   its young."  End of discussion.


Someone known only as "Jammybrice" notes that while you can drink rat milk,
   you probably don't want to:  The quality of the milk is directly related to
   the quality of food that particular animal is consuming.  In the best
   scenario, a cow is only eating things like grass, fairly natural producing
   a clean milk.  A city rat eats a fair amount of whatever it can.  It's
   similar to the reason why even though we eat chicken, we don't want to eat
   pigeons.


>> Eeeeeeeeeyess?

A lot of people recognized the voice of the Dinner Theater maitre d', and they
   all seemed to have a different guess as to who originated that voice.
   Sonya Rhen posted a convincing answer:  Frank Nelson had the catch phrase
   "eeeeeeeeeyess?"  He used it regularly on The Jack Benny show and almost
   every show he made guest appearences.  He appeared on many TV shows in the
   fifties including  I Love Lucy.  He made a few different appearances using
   "eeeeeeeeyesss?" as his catchphrase.  He also was a semi-regular in the
   last episodes of I Love Lucy.  He played the next door neighbor to the
   Ricardos when they moved to Connecticut.  I believe his character's name
   was Mr. Ramsey.  He did not incorporate his catchphrase in this character.

   The Great Gildersleeve had a similar but different catchphrase.  His was
   the more maniacal "heheheheheyessss" The Great Gildersleeve was portrayed
   by several men, but I don't think he was ever portrayed by Frank Nelson.

   Back to Frank Nelson.  The last time I saw Frank Nelson was on Saturday
   Night Live back in the early 80's.  He appeared as a newsstand guy in a
   skit with Tim Curry portraying Mick Jagger.  I don't know if he's still
   alive, but the caricature of the waiter suggest he might be because the
   caricature looks like Frank Nelson as he might look if he was still alive.


As Ms. Rhen alludes, other people were nominated as the source of the unctuous
   waiter voice.  Gary Wilson makes the case for Mel Blanc:  I think that I am
   accurate in that it was Mel Blanc who did the voice.  Mel Blanc
   occasionally did this "Yeeeeeeees?" voice in Bugs Bunny cartoons as well.
   I've also seen him on the TV version of Jack Benny and it is Mel Blanc for
   sure.

   [I think Nelson originated the voice, and Blanc adapted it for his own ends
   -- Ed.]


And finally, Andrew Milner has some comment on the connection between "The
   Jack Benny Show," and "The Simpsons.":  The unctuous waiter ("Mmmmm
   ...Yes?") in tonight's episode was a takeoff of a regular character on the
   old Jack Benny radio/TV series during the 1940s-1960s. The character
   regularly appeared smarmy waiter or salesman or some such who always
   introduced himself with "Mmmmm ...Yes?"  His obnoxiousness always made Jack
   boil to a slow burn.

   And another Jack Benny/Simpsons connection -- Harry Shearer began his
   showbiz career as a child actor on Benny's TV show in the early 1950s;
   Shearer did generic kid characters, and sometimes played Jack as a boy
   during flashback sequences.  One of Benny's costars was none other than
   cartoon voiceover legend Mel Blanc, who proved to be a great influence on
   Shearer...


>> The many faces of Homer

Michael K. Neylon, responding to Ben Collins' review, writes:  While I'd agree
   about this episode being too much Homer, too little family, I really don't
   think this episode qualifies as "Homer the Jerk", at least to the extremes
   of "Homer's Enemy" and "Homer vs. the State of NY." There was a bit of the
   caring Homer that showed through the rest of the episode (his 'commitment'
   to his bodyguarding, then the commitment to get rid of the rat's milk scam
   because it affected his children), and most of Homer's antics were brought
   because of his normal bumbling self as opposed to having an intense hatred
   towards somebody or something.  While it's still not the Homer of Seasons
   1-5, I could live with this one, with the only caveat that he'd need to
   stick to one job, that job being the powerplant.


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Mayority Rules


Yuri Dieujuste:  The quote "he makes the trains run on time" is from famed
   Italian dictator, Benito Mussolini.  Even though he was ruthless and evil,
   he did manage to get things done.  [Yeah, especially if you count, "Dragged
   his country into an unwinnable war" -- Ed.]


Don Del Grande:  ["I Will Always Love You"] was not originally written for the
   movie but was recorded by Dolly Parton years earlier; this is why it was
   ineligible for a "Best Song" Oscar.


Joe Klemm:  Dolly Parton wrote [that song] for the film version of "The Best
   Little Whorehouse in Texas".


Haynes Lee:  The Mafia kiss of death is on both cheeks.  [So be sure to get it
   right when you do it -- Ed.]


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {jo}
==============================================================================
% On another pleasant night in Springfield, the Simpson family watches
% TV in the living room.  Tonight's fare on "Thousand Dollar Movie" is
% "Roger Corman's 'Titanic.'"
%
% On the screen, a cheaply-produced ship crashes head-on into an
% enormous iceberg, dropping it straight into the ocean.  A pair of
% characters looking something like the two stars of the more famous
% movie row immediately away  from the accident.

Man:      We're safe now, Clarice.  We made it away from that ...
          cursed ship.
Clarice:  Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Clarice tries to undo the knot holding on her "stifling bikini" while
% the blond-haired man in the boat grins in anticipation.  Suddenly, the
% formerly submerged Titanic rises up out of the water, attacking the
% couple with a set of jaws it has, rather remarkably, grown.  Marge, a
% bit more into this pitiful attempt at moviemaking than any person of
% average intelligence should be (of course, that's what I said about
% the "real" version of "Titanic" and the whole damn world fell for it),
% yells out a warning to the characters on the screen.  Just as the boat
% is about to swallow them, the "Thousand Dollar Movie" sign pops up.

TV Announcer:  We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion, after
               these messages.
Homer:         Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy
               commercial.
--Perhaps a P.S.A. would satisfy the gentleman?, "Mayored to the Mob"

% The commercial on TV is one of two hideously ugly green aliens seated
% at the controls of a flying saucer.  While one of them uses an alien-
% like  voice, the other sounds noticeably like Marty, from KBBL.

Phil:     People of Earth.  We have traveled all the way from space to
          attend the most astrotastic event in the entire universe!
Marty:    [laughs] You said it, Phil.  It's the bi-monthly Springfield
          Sci-Fi Convention.
Phil:     That's right.  It's "Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con".  Come meet all your
          favorite stars!  Mark Hamill!  [Mark's head spins onto the
          screen]  Alf!  [as does Alf's]  And many more!  [this time,
          both Mark's and Alf's heads fly on-screen simultaneously]
Marty:    Plus, tag-team robot wrestling!  It's the mighty robots of
          Battlestar Galactica, versus the gay robots of Star Wars!

% A quick shot of C3PO getting his head pounded by a Battlestar
% Galactica robot is shown; as the robot pleads for help from R2D2, the
% wheeled robot makes a few characteristic noises of refusal, and is
% accordingly cursed in  a rather effeminate way.  "Remember," says
% Phil, "It's 'Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con!"  Be there ... and be square!"
%
% Homer and Bart decide this beats both work and school, so the
% Simpsons end up attending the convention, which is packed with all
% kinds of nerdy rabble.  At the door, the Pimple-Faced Teen has to
% refuse entry to a man in a Chewbacca costume, who roars in discontent.

Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention?  It's full of nerds!
-- Homer, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Lisa, standing quietly, is recognized by Database, Milhouse, and
% Uter, who wave to her as they pass.

Database: Hi, Lisa!
Milhouse: Hey, Lisa!
Uter:     Guten Tag!
Lisa:     [embarrassed] Hi ...
-- This could probably double as a joke about the members of the LSFC,
   "Mayored to the Mob"

% Over at the autograph booths, kids and adults alike get things signed
% by the likes of Gort, Doctor Who, and Godzilla, while Neil Armstrong
% sits at his table totally ignored.

Armstrong's Aide:People!  People!  This man has actually been in outer
                 space!
Krabapple:       Hah!  Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong:  This is one small step towards firing your ass!
-- Maybe you can get your lines straight this time, "Mayored to the
Mob"

% At a "Lost In Space" table, the actor who played Dr. Smith sits
% behind a table.  The robot stands nearby.  Bart and Lisa walk up to
% them.

Bart:       Hey, wait!  I saw that "Lost In Space" movie, you are not
            Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith:  Oh, the pain ... the pain!  The pain of it all!
Robot:      [laughs] You have still got it, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith:  Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit!  My dear boy, I'd be
            happy to show you my resume, if you'd care to meet me later
            in the food court?
Robbie:     Danger, danger, Bart Simpson!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Bart and Lisa run off, probably a good idea.  Elsewhere, the Comic
% Book Guy goes through a few boxes of comics, making a horrifying
% discovery.

Comic Book Guy:  Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the
                 "Peter Parker:  The Spectacular Spiderman" series.
                 This will not stand.
Comic Book Girl: Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious offer for
                 this stack of water-damaged "Little Lulu"s.
Comic Book Guy:  "A", that is not water, that is Diet Mr. Pibb.  And
                 "B", I ... ooh ...
                 [the Comic Book Guy obviously sees something he likes
                 in this woman's face, as he is unable to speak at the
                 sight of her eyes, braces, and misshapen nose]
Comic Book Guy:  Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five year-old
                 virgins who still live with their parents?
Comic Book Girl: Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard and you're on.
Comic Book Guy:  Don't try to change me, baby.
-- You're in no position to bargain here, tubby, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Meanwhile, Quimby takes the microphone at center stage.

"Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders.
[crowd cheers]  And now, to push this convention into hyperspace, the
man who put the 'Star' in 'Star Wars', a real burr under Darth Vader's
saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!"
-- Mayor Quimby, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Amid smoke and green lights, Mark emerges from a space pod and walks
% onto the stage.  Pulling out his lightsabre, he knocks over a few
% cardboard stormtroopers (as well as a "Wonder Woman" cutout) and waves
% politely to the crowd.

Hamill:     Hey, thanks, everybody.  You know, I'm here today as Luke
            Skywalker, but I'm also here ... to talk about Sprint.  As
            you can see, you stand to save up to seventeen cents a
            month over the more dependable providers.
Database:   Daaah, talk about "Star Wars"!
Crowd:      [together] Yeah!
Homer:      You stupid nerds!  He's trying to save you money on long-
            distance!
Hamill:     "Star Wars", eh?  Well, let me ask you this: how many of
            you have ever dreamed of being in that movie?  [the crowd
            goes wild with "me's"]  Well, you're in luck.  'Cause we're
            gonna act out a scene, and I'll need a volunteer to play
            Obi Wan.
Skinner:    Kenobi?
-- No, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Everyone in the crowd has their hands raised, begging for a chance to
% be on stage, including Lenny, who claims his whole life has been
% leading to this moment, Carl, Professor Frink, and Groundskeeper
% Willie.  In the confusion following an argument between these four, a
% riot quickly ensues.  Those in trouble include Dr. Smith and the "Lost
% In Space" robot, as well as Mark Hamill and the mayor.  As the crowd
% of nobodies encroaches upon the latter two, Quimby hides behind Mark
% for protection.  Quimby asks, "Oh God, can't this town go one day
% without a riot?"  He calls out for his bodyguards, but they don't
% come.
%
% Outside, Quimby's two black suited and sunglassed men lie on the
% front of his limousine, staring up at the clouds peacefully, obviously
% having underrated the power of nerds in large groups.  Inside, the
% rioting continues, one faction having gotten hold of Hamill, with whom
% he fights for his life.

Lisa:     Oh!  Poor Mark Hamill!
Bart:     [gasps] That swarm of nerds is going to kill him!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% This possibility seemingly being too much for Homer to take, Homer
% breaks into a rage, screaming and punching out nerds left and right.
% Reaching the Mayor and Mark, he clears the last few nerds off them.

Homer:    Mr. Hamill!  Mr. Mayor!  Come on!
Hamill:   Who are you?
Homer:    Homer Simpson: nerd buster!  And I'm gettin' you out of here!
Hamill:   Gah!  I can't, Homer ... I twisted my ankle.  You guys go on
          without me.
Homer:    Never!  [he picks up and carries the actor]  Follow me!
          [the three sneak off into the spaceship from which Mark
          previously emerged.  Waiting there for a moment, Homer kicks
          the door back open]
Homer:    How was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship?
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Bart points out a fire exit the men can use as an escape route.
% Homer carries Mark and leads Mayor Quimby out of the auditorium and to
% the safety of a nearby bench, where they, along with Bart and Lisa,
% stop to catch their breath.

Lisa:     Oh my God!  Someone has to go back in for Maggie!
Homer:    Forget Maggie!  She's gone!
Marge:    [vaguely annoyed] I've got Maggie!
Hamill:   That was close.  Well, thanks a lot, Homer.  [starts walking
          off]
Homer:    Well, it's a ... hey!  I thought you twisted your ankle!
Hamill:   Oh, yeah ... well, see, the thing about that, is ... [runs
          off]
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Apparently some kind of fire has erupted inside the convention hall,
% as smoke pours out the doors and windows and a bell rings.  Nerds run
% for their lives.  Quimby, lying on the bench, groans in pain as his
% men walk  up.

Guard #1:  Hey, boss.  We were just talking about you.
Quimby:    You call yourselves bodyguards?  You're fired!
Guard #1:  Fired, huh?  Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for
           you?
Guard #2:  Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?
Quimby:    I'll tell you who.  Him!  [points at Homer]
Homer:     Woo-hoo!
Marge:     Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just ...
Homer:     [arms crossed] I said woo-hoo.
Marge:     Mmm ...
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  6:18]
%
% At "Leavelle's Bodyguard Academy", Homer, with a few other new
% recruits, listens to an address from the academy owner/instructor.

Leavelle:  As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee.  Not
           to your family, not to your country, not to Moo-hamad.
Homer:     Even during Ramadan?
Leavelle:  Shut your sass-hole, boy!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Sometime later, a few academy employees cart out a few wagons filled
% with whole watermelons.  A few of the recruits are handed melons
% reading "Madonna", "Sting", and "Al Gore".  Leavelle explains that the
% wartermelons represent the protectees.  The students are to protect
% the melons as though they were the actual people.  Homer, slurping
% away at his "Ann Landers" watermelon, stops eating for a moment to ask
% "What?".  Later, the instructor sits on a hill with a rifle, aiming it
% at a watermelon placed on top of a podium.

Leavelle:  Okay, listen up.  My goal is to assassinate that watermelon.
           Your job is to take the bullet.  Go!  [Homer runs]  Go, go,
           go!
           [imitating gun]  Pow!
Homer:     [diving in front of the cross-hairs] Nooo ...
Leavelle:  Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your
           "Noooooooo!!".  You gotta sell it!  Remember, your
           "Noooooooo!!" is what gets you your next job.  Now drop and
           give me twenty!
Homer:     Noooooooo!!
Leavelle:  Better!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% In the "Berating Room", Leavelle does just that to his students.

Leavelle:  You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at
           the dance!  Not one of you are fit to guard a Russian rock
           band.  However, your checks have cleared, so you all
           graduate.  Congratulations.  [the grads cheer]  And now, in
           honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the
           hit motion picture, "The Bodyguard".
           [singing, badly]  And I ... E-I ... E-I ... will always love
           you ... Ooooh, wee-hah!!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% The students awkwardly sneak out as Leavelle finishes singing.  Back
% at home, wearing a black suit and sunglasses, Homer sneaks into his
% kitchen.  "Clear," he yells back to Marge, who walks in with a bag of
% groceries.

Marge:    Oh, for Pete's sake.
Homer:    [into walkie-talkie] The pig is in the poke.
Marge:    You know, I really don't care for that code-name.
Homer:    Look out, Marge!  Cat!
          [he tackles Marge to the ground, sending oranges rolling]
Marge:    I know you're excited about starting a new job, but could you
          just ... relax for now?
Homer:    [to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?
Bart:     We just wanna get a snack.
Homer:    Access denied.
Bart:     But, Dad ...
          [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the
          floor, unconscious]
Marge:    Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the
          children.
Homer:    They'll be fine in half an hour.
Marge:    Mmph, that's not the point.  And another thing, I asked you
          to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still
          haven't, ehhh ...
          [puts the sleeper hold on Marge as well]
-- The hazards of taking work home with you, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Homer puts the sleeper hold on Marge as well.  "Hmm.  Still half an
% hour 'til dinner.  Oh, well." he says to himself, administering the
% same move on his own arm.  He falls to the floor, hitting his head on
% the table on the  way down, yelling in pain.
%
% Later, Homer drives Mayor Quimby around in his limousine.

Homer:    It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.
Quimby:   Just remember.  You represent the office of the mayor.  So
          always comport yourself in a manner befitting ... quick!
          Honk at that broad!
          [Homer beeps the horn twice at a redhead walking down the
          sidewalk, while Mayor Quimby whistles at her]
Quimby:   Good work, Simpson.  I couldn't be happier with the way that
          went.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Homer, dressed in his bodyguard outfit, opens the door to Moe's
% Tavern.

Moe:      Hey, Homer, I told you not to come 'round here no more 'til
          you paid your tab, or at least cleaned up that mess you made
          in the bathroom.  Na ... Mayor Quimby?  Homer, why didn't you
          say you was with the mayor?  Shove off, pukeholes!  Get outta
          here!  These stools are reserved for the mayor and his
          cronies.  Heh.  Here's a couple of Duffenbraus, on the house,
          of course.

% Moe, having sprayed his regulars off with water, chasing them away,
% gives Quimby and Homer two bottles of beer.

Homer:    [inspects bottle] Mmm!  Semi-imported!  [swigs]  Keep 'em
          comin'.
Moe:      [sighs, putting a case of beer on the counter]
Quimby:   Your generosity is greatly appreciated.  Especially during
          this health inspection season.
Moe:      Aw, yeah, yeah, right, health inspections, that reminds me.
          Heh.  Your "change" sir.
          [Moe slaps down a wad of cash, which begins to move on the
          counter due to the roaches underneath it.  Moe pounds down
          the money, crushing them]
Moe:      We're working on that roach situation, I swear to God.
Quimby:   Eh, you should see the hospital.
-- Eh, I'll pass, "Mayored to the Mob"

% The two "customers" leave the tavern at that point, Homer's suit full
% of beer stuffed in every possible and available storage space.
%
% At home, Homer tells his family how his day went.

Homer:    And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, and the mayor got
          some more change, and I ordered a double-double, but they
          gave me the double-double-double-double!  And then Apu gave
          the mayor lots of change for ...
Bart:     Dad, don't you see what's going on?
Lisa:     That change was a bribe!
Homer:    Oh, honey, don't be so naive.  That's how the world works!
          Sure, the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the
          trains run on time!
Lisa:     No he doesn't!  Trains are regulated by the Federal
          Department of Transportation.  And recent studies have shown
          that, ehhh ...
          [Homer puts the sleeper move on Lisa again; she drops quietly
          to the floor]
Marge:    [scolding] Homer!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Sometime later, at the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club", Mayor
% Quimby and Fat Tony work out a somewhat-less-than-legitimate business
% deal.

Fat Tony:  Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with this school
           milk concession.
Quimby:    Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and
           I need my [he coughs].
Fat Tony:  Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.
           [hands him a sack of money]
Quimby:    Thank you, Fat Tony.  However, in the future, I would prefer
           a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on
           it.
           [Homer, standing off to the side, eats with Fat Tony's
           henchmen]
Homer:     So, how'd you get the nickname "Legs"?
Legs:      Well, that's an interesting story.  Heh.  It seems President
           Kennedy's father was ...
Homer:     Oooh!  Mini-canoles!
-- All the attention span of a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin,
   "Mayored to the Mob"

% However, before Homer can grab the last one off the tray, a rat picks
% it up and runs off with it.  Annoyed, Homer chases the vermin to a
% hole in the wall next to a door labeled "Milking Room".  Walking
% inside expecting to see a room full of cows, he is shocked to find
% rats everywhere, each one attached to a system of hoses that sucks the
% milk out of their bellies, draining it into a large bucket labeled
% "Springfield Elementary".

Homer:    [gasps] Crap on a crust!  [running away]  Aaah!  They're
          milking rats!  Milking rats!!
Quimby:   [to Fat Tony] Rats?  I'm outraged!  You promised me dog or
          higher.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Frantically, Homer runs to his kids' school cafeteria, shocked to see
% all the kids there drinking out of milk cartons bearing Fat Tony's
% face.  Looking over, he sees Bart drinking milk out of an elaborate
% twisty straw, watching the milk slowly pass through the it and towards
% Bart's mouth.  Acting fast, he yells and knocks the carton away from
% his mouth.

Bart:      Hey, my milk!  I traded my math book for that.
           [Lisa walks over, her upper lip covered in a milk moustache]
Lisa:      Dad, what a nice surprise!  [attempts to kiss her father
           hello]
Homer:     [panics and pushes her face away]  Get that away from me!
           Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk.  Ever!
Milhouse:  Can I still drink it?
Homer:     [handing him Lisa's carton] Go nuts.
Milhouse:  All right!  [takes a drink]
Homer:     [disgusted] Ehh!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% At the Municipal Building, Homer bursts in on Mayor Quimby's office,
% who runs on a treadmill, exercising.

Homer:    You monster!  How could you do that to the children?
Quimby:   Those wacky gangsters!  What're you gonna do?
Homer:    And to think I respected you!  And defended you!  You
          wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me!
          [bangs on the control panel of Quimby's exercise machine,
          increasing the speed inadvertently.  The machine sends the
          mayor flying out the window]
Homer:    [gasps, then shouts out the window]  Okay!  We'll call it
          even!
--"Mayored to the Mob"

% [End of Act Two.  Time:  12:18]
%
% Homer, still in the mayor's office, is having a panic attack.

Oh my God, I killed the mayor!  All right, stay calm, I'll just use the body
to stage an elaborate farce, a la "Weekend At Bernie's."
-- Homer, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Suddenly, Homer hears Quimby yell for help from outside the window.
% Homer looks out the window to see the mayor hanging from the ledge, a
% few stories up.

Homer:    [gasps] His corpse is climbing the building!
Quimby:   I'm alive, you idiot!  Pull me in!
Homer:    [grabs Quimby's arm]  Wait a second.  I'm not saving you
          unless you promise to get that rat's milk out of the school.
Quimby:   But the gangsters will kill me.
Homer:    You're forgetting, you've got the best bodyguard in the
          business!
          Now promise, or I'll let you fall to your death.
Quimby:   All right, all right, I promise!
Homer:    Shake on it!
          [Homer lets go of Quimby for a second and manages to catch
          him by the hand.  They shake each other's hand as Quimby
          dangles in the air]
Homer:    Relax, you're in good hands.  Now come on, I'll pull you up.
Quimby:   On ... wait, wait, wait, not so fast.  I can see into the
          interns' restroom from here.  [a hand comes out of the window
          and slaps his face]  Did you know that this is how FDR met
          Eleanor?  [he gets slapped again]  All right, pull me up.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% At the gangsters' social club, Fat Tony, Lenny, and Legs play poker.

Lenny:     Six queens.  Read 'em and weep.
Fat Tony:  Not so fast.  [lays down his cards]  Seven queens.
           [Just then, Chief Wiggum and the Springfield police burst
           in]
Wiggum:    Freeze, goombahs!  We're shuttin' you down, you filthy
           Italians.
Lou:       [whispers something to Chief Wiggum]
Wiggum:    Oh, right, right, filthy Italian-Americans!
Fat Tony:  Gentlemen.  If you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor
           Quimby, I am confident this can be ...
Quimby:    Not this time, Fat Tony.  The Mayor's office is not for
           sale!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Everyone in the room laughs.  Quimby, having made his entrance with
% some cameramen and photographers, asks one if he can edit out the
% laughter.  He shakes his head 'no'.

Fat Tony:  I am not so much disappointed, as I am blinded with rage.
Homer:     Oooh!  The Mafia guy's all mad!  Oh, what are you gonna do,
           call your Godfather?  Huh?  [derisively] Oh, Godfather!
           [makes whimpering noises, then points to the door of the
           "Milking Room"]
           Break it down.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Eddie and Lou smash open the door, revealing shelves and shelves of
% squeaking, lactating rodents.  Wiggum removes one and licks it.  "It's
% pure," he concludes, "Pull the plug, boys."
%
% The boys in blue start smashing milk bottles, overturning milk jugs,
% and squashing milk cartons.  Quimby opens a garage door, letting the
% rats return to the Springfield streets from which they came.  Later,
% Kent Brockman delivers the evening news as Eddie and Lou pour a jug
% down a grate.

Brockman:  And so, as the rat's milk is returned to the sewers, the
           circle of life is complete.  Fat Tony, do you have any
           comments?
Fat Tony:  I don't get it.  Everyone loves rats, but they don't want to
           drink the rats' milk?
Brockman:  Any words for the mayor?
Fat Tony:  [taking the mic] Hello, Mayor Quimby.  I would like to
           remind you that accidents will happen.  Like the killing of
           you, by us.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% The Simpsons watch the newscast at home.

Bart:     Aren't you scared, Dad?  I mean, if I were Fat Tony, and God
          willing, someday I will be, I'd just be stewin' in my jail
          cell, getting madder and madder.
Homer:    Oh, don't worry about that, boy.  He's already out on bail.
          Well, I'm off to work!
Marge:    You're guarding the mayor tonight?  After Fat Tony swore
          revenge?
Homer:    It's my duty, Marge.  Besides, those mobsters don't scare me.
          Bart, would you go start Daddy's car?
Marge:    Homer!
Homer:    What?  There's nothing to worry about!
Bart:     Well, then you start it!
Homer:    All right, fine, I'll take a cab.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% At the Mayor's house, Homer rings the doorbell, which plays "Hail to
% the Chief".  Quimby himself answers.

Quimby:   Homer, I'm not, uh, sure it's wise to go out right now.  I
          was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the ... [sighs]
          wife.
Homer:    Oh, I get it, you're worried about those mobsters, aren't
          you?
Quimby:   No, no, I truly do want to stay home with the ... [sighs]
          wife.
Homer:    You've got to snap out of this funk, mayor.  I'm gonna take
          you someplace where you can relax and forget all about
          gangsters.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% The location Homer picks is a Springfield Dinner Theatre showing of
% "Guys and Dolls".  While there, Homer taps a man on the shoulder.

Homer:    Uh, excuse me.
Usher:    [bizarre, sycophantic voice] Yeeeees?
Homer:    Do you have a table for the mayor?
Usher:    Yeeees!
Homer:    Why do you talk that way?
Usher:    I had a strooooooke!
-- Or he listened to the Jack Benny show too many times,
   "Mayored to the Mob"

% Led into the theatre, Homer scans the horizon for trouble.  Nearby,
% Ned and his family say a prayer over their dinner.

Dear Lord, please make tonight's production better than "Othello" with
Peter Marshall.
-- Ned Flanders, dinner theater patron, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Homer spots Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, and the Lovejoys, and does a double-
% take after seeing the gangster, who lifts his glass in greetings to
% Homer.

Homer:     All right, Fat Tony, if it's trouble with Quimby you're
           after ...
Fat Tony:  Please.  I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts.
           But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could
           deliver.
           [Homer walks back over to his boss]
Homer:     Mayor?  Fat Tony asked me to give you this.  [kisses him]
Quimby:    You moron!  That's the kiss of death!
Homer:     Oh no!  Wait.  Maybe I didn't do it right!
Quimby:    Never mind that, just go and patrol the perimeter.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% The waiter delivers Quimby his dinner, including Au Gratin potatoes,
% which Quimby enthusiastically declares "a quality side."  As he is
% about to take a bite, Homer looks to Fat Tony, who lifts his glass to
% Homer once again, smiling.  Panicking, he runs over to the mayor,
% jumping through the air, and eating the potatoes clean off Quimby's
% fork.  Chewing them, he declares the potatoes clean and goes to test
% the steak for poison, eating a bit more than necessary.
%
% Later, the cast of the show perform a musical number, singing "Guys
% And Dolls" to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood".

Singers:  Guys and dolls!
          We're just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls!
          Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, guys and dolls ...
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Meanwhile, Mark Hamill, dressed as Luke Skywalker, talks with one of
% the show's "producers", wearing a cook's outfit.

Hamill:    This is a conceptual nightmare!  I mean, Nathan Detroit
           would never wear this!  And this song isn't even in the
           show!
Producer:  I don't have time for this.  I got seventy-five shortcakes
           to strawberry.  Now get out there, Luke.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Mark sighs, then walks out on stage to sing the "Guys and Dolls"
% song, swinging his lightsabre leisurely about, the other singers
% joining in.  Mayor Quimby, enjoying the show a bit more than any
% person of average intelligence should (haven't I used that line
% already?), is oblivious to Lenny taking diction from Fat Tony on who
% to off.

Fat Tony:  I want the mayor dead, I want his wife dead, I want his cat
           and dog dead.
Lenny:     Wait, wait, wait, who was before the cat?
Fat Tony:  [sighs] Just kill the mayor.
Lenny:     [walks off, then comes back] You're not mad at me, are you?
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Meanwhile, on stage, Mark, wearing his Skywalker costume with a top
% hat, does another song.

Hamill:          Luke, be a Jedi tonight!
                 Just be a Jedi tonight!
Hamill & Chorus: Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.
Hamill:          Uh, and do it for Chewie and the Ewoks, and all the
                 other puppets ...
Hamill & Chorus: Luke, be a Jedi tonight!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% On the floor, Lenny is about to toss a dagger at the mayor, when the
% chef/producer grabs him by the arm.

Producer:  Hey, you're in this number!  Get out there and shake that
           money-maker!
Lenny:     But I'm just here to kill ... aaah!  [gets pushed on stage]
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Thrust into the spotlight, Lenny, unsure of what to do, holds his
% knife in his mouth and does a dance number to a drum solo.

Homer:    That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh?
Quimby:   He looks awfully familiar.
Homer:    I think I saw him in "Rent", or "Stomp", or "Clomp", or some
          piece of crap.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Finishing his act, Lenny does a kneeslide to center stage to wild
% applause.  Mark Hamill takes him aside.

Hamill:   Hey, pal.  That's my headshot up there next to the pepper
          steak, and don't you forget it.
Lenny:    You're all talk, Hamill!  You never even finished Jedi
          school!
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Lenny punches Mark in the face, sending him into a Barbershop
% backdrop.  Jumping onto the mayor's table, he shouts "Show's over!"
% and prepares to stab him, when Homer tackles him, pushing the mayor
% away.  Locked into a life and death struggle with Lenny with a knife
% in his face, Mark Hamill shouts some advice over to Homer.

Hamill:   Homer!  Use the for ...
Homer:    The Force?
Hamill:   The forks!  Use the forks!
Homer:    Oh.
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Picking two of them up, Homer catches the knife in between the fork's
% prongs and manages to pull the knife out of Lenny's hands.  He stabs
% the fork into the table, through Lenny's tie, trapping him there.  The
% knife flies through the air and hits the stage, nearly missing Mark.

Homer:     Yes!  Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on
           ... oh, crap.
           [notices Fat Tony, who is beating the mayor with a baseball
           bat]
Homer:     Oh, Fat Tony ...
Fat Tony:  What?  What did I do?
-- "Mayored to the Mob"

% Fat Tony runs off, and the Dinner Theater soon closes.  Homer,
% sitting alone on stage, is approached by Mark Hamill.

Hamill:   I checked with the doctor, he said Mayor Quimby's gonna be
          fine.  And I was electric as Nathan Detroit.  What did you
          think of me?
Homer:    Actually, you were luminous, magnetic ... [sighs]
          incandescent.
Hamill:   Oh, cheer up, Homer.  I think you made a great bodyguard.
Homer:    Really?  Would you say I was magnetic?
Hamill:   Absolutely.
Homer:    Aww ...
-- Mutual admiration society, "Mayored to the Mob"

% Walking out the backstage door, they come across a crowd of people
% all begging for Hamill's attention.  "Homer, I think you know what to
% do," Hamill says.  Accompanied by Whitney Houston's "I Will Always
% Love You", Homer picks Mark Hamill up and kicks his way through the
% crowd, going back once for Mark's lightsabre, until Mark realizes he
% had it all along.  Homer sighs, having to walk back through the crowd
% for no reason.  Fade out, as the "Bodyguard" theme plays through the
% credits.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  20:28]


==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ab}  Andy Barton
{af}  Alex Foley
{ag}  Andrew Gill
{al}  Andrew Levine
{bc}  Ben Collins
{bh}  Ben Harris
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{dld} Daniel L. Dreibelbis
{ds}  Dave Sweatt
{dt}  Daniel Tropea
{gs}  Greg Scheinke
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jg}  Jeremy Gallen
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jo}  John Ogan
{mm}  Michael Morbius
{mo}  Matt O
{ms}  Mike Smith
{ms2} Mark Schultz
{mwh} Mark W. Hale
{nd}  Nathan DeHoff
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{tr}  Tom Rinschler

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2002 The Simpsons Archive.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1999 John Ogan.  This capsule has been brought
to you by the Springfield Dinner Theater Association.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.