The Hans Moleman File

Originally by Dave Hall
Contributions from Jordan Eisenberg
Maintained by Aaron Dodd

"C'mon, Marge, it's like kissing a peanut!"
-- "Burns' Heir (1F16)"

Hans Escapes Death
9F09While transporting Poe's house, Homer run him off the road and his truck bursts into flames
1F17He crashes a truck full of sugar
2F01Present at the bird sanctuary during birds attack
1F04Crashes his AMC Gremlin into a tree and bursts into flames
1F22Catches fire due to his eyeglasses acting as a magnifying glass under the intense sun
2F21Sent to 'the chair' (for an unknown reason)
3F06Buried alive at the cemetery because he 'didn't want to put up a fuss' (cut in syndication)
3F10Mr. Burns sends a drill through his brains in an attempt to "get his lucky charms"
3G01Left behind an X-ray machine as Dr. Hibbert leaves for the weekend
4F06Made to hold onto a flaming arrow longer than expected
4F08His restaurant is invaded by the Mafia
4F13His car is stuck in the wall of Planet Hype {mab} (car appears again in AABF21)
5F12Knocked out by Homer with a book titled 'how to tunnel out of prison'
5F23Suffocated by a giant bubble ala "The Prisoner"
AABF04Narrowly avoids a collision with Homer when he runs in front of Hans' truck
AABF21Homer throws a poisonous pastry at Hans, which explodes upon contact
CABF16The morgue confuses Hans with the dead body of Marge's Uncle Lou
CABF17A Hans-like character in a hobo's tale drowns in quicksand
EABF23Eaten by crocodiles.

Other Hans Appearances
7F15Selma voids his drivers licence (Juha Terho points out Hans' license reads 'Ralph Mellish')
8F20Selma approves his drivers licence
9F11At the DMV renewing his license, taking an eyesight test
Goes on a date with Selma
9F14At the alcoholics support group
1F06Gets into a fight with Moe over a coaster, pulls out large sheath knife concealed inside his cane (cut in syndication)
1F07Works the Solar Energy booth at the National Energy Convention gets KO'ed by the fossil fuel reps (cut in syndication)
1F16Hypnotized into thinking the Simpsons were his family
1F20Teaches an orange-eating class at Adult Education Annex (cut in syndication)
2F05Trips and falls down a flight of stairs at a hockey game, everybody laughs at him
2F31Produces film for the film festival, "Man getting hit in groin with football" (it ends up being one of the finalists)
2F32Hosts morning show on local jazz station
3F18Gets locked in the Kwiki Mart, while Apu goes out to party for five minutes. {ns}
4F05Watches "Too Many Grandmas" in the theater where Homer and Larry hide out
4F20During the Simpson family-smile-time-varitey-hour, Hans resites a poem. "A poem. By Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me." (cut in syndication) {ns}
5F07Seen taking OFF's stove in payback for the money that he gave to OFF. {ns}
5F23Asks of a 'Stephen King and Michael Crichton' bookstore clerk a book by Robert Lludlum
AABF10Marge passes him on the road in her new Canyanero SUV
AABF16Dragged away by men in white coats when he questions the Retirement Castle's edited version of "Gone With the Wind"
BABF02A pushy New Yorker offers to put a "Details" magazine up his wazoo; Homer and Otto narrowly escape his Villaige of the Moles
BABF18When Marge talks to herself in the library, he mistakenly assumes he's made a friend
CABF22Run over by Homer as he crosses the street.
EABF02Attracts some wolves while stuck in snow.
EABF22Needed a new kidney, but Hibbert cancelled the appointment.

Hans in the Background
SC31Wearing a hula suit at the masquerade ball
7F01"Seen" in background as Mr. Burns whacks away at the pinata
7F17Plays billard in the retirement castle {tw}
One of the pallbearers at Bea's funeral
1F05Attended Brad Goodman's workshop
1F11Someone in the audience during Bart's performance "may" be Hans
1F12In the group of angry elderly customers at Krusty Burger
1F15In the Sprinfield Retirement Castle as the residents listen to "The Elephant Song"
1F19Was a juror at the trial of Freddy Quimby
1F20Was a student in Lenny's tobacco-chewing class
1F21Was a guest at the wedding of Mr. Burns and Mrs. Bouvier
2F04Visits church {tw}
2F14Seen at the DMV when Homer took his chauffeur's test
2F16Attended Town Meeting
2F17Seen in crowd of people as film crew departs
2F20One of the people in "the blood thirsty mob"
3F02Seen at Sunday church service
3F12Seen eating alone at the IRS Burger
3F13Hans is seen in line for the Bicentennial roles that Homer tries out for to get role as town crier, Hans is dressed as a king in a red robe {ns}
3G02Drove the truck that crushed Lisa's sax "saxamphone. {ns}
3G03Seen in background being robbed by Snake, while Shary Bobbins sings. {ns}
4F07Gathered outside the mental hospital to greet Ned
4F12In line to try out for Poochie
4F12Seen on line in the Credit Referal department where Marge goes to in the mall {ns}
4F18Among the crowd seeking advice from Marge
4F23In the crowd saluting for the real Seargeant Seymour Skinner when he is forced to leave {tw}
5F04One of the rejects at the bachelor auction
5F09Visits debate between Ray Petterson and Homer {tw}
5F10Seen sitting with Otto at Moe's "Brew Ha-Ha," burning his money in Krusty's likeness {ns}
5F14Puts up a 'closed' sign at the post office
5F19Sits in OFF's living room in the couch opening
5F23Stands up during the Movementarians promotional video screening, but promptly sits back down
AABF07Among the crown of senior citizens during "Kids" and dancing in the street
AABF08On Homer's Super Bowl bus tour
AABF09In the Springfield Mall, and later in the courtroom
BABF05Works in a 50's deli
BABF06Sits in Brother Faith's audience
BABF09Stands in the "Wuss Bets" line at the Springfield Downs
BABF21At the town meeting to discuss the dolphins
BABF20At town meeting over area codes, later at the Who concert.
CABF02Locked underneath Moe's bar when Moe says he has terrible secrets.
CABF16In line to play basketball at the Springfield YMCA
FABF20Contestant in Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

A Summary of Hans' Movie From the Film Festival (2F31){jac}
Hans Moleman narrates, "Hans Moleman productions presents `Man Getting Hit By Football'." Hans stands on a walkway; someone tosses a football at him. It hits him right in the groin, and he doubles over in pain.

Hans' Morning Radio Show, "Moleman in the Morning" (2F32)
Hans sits in front of the microphone and reads his script:
"Hello, this is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you. Today part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every daaaay."

Hans Moleman Quotes
9F14"Drinking has ruin my life. I'm 31 years old!"
1F06"You call that a knife? _This_ is a knife!"
1F16"Mom, Dad, I missed you."
"Cowabunga, dudes!"
1F17"If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir."
1F20"The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage."
1F22"Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun"
2F05"We paid for blood!"
2F31"I was saying Boo-urns." {jm}
3F10"Oh, no. My brains."
4F05"Shh! Some people are trying to watch the movie."
4F06"P-p-please h-hurry..."
5F23"Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?"
AABF16"Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?"

An Italian translation of this document can be found at


{jm} Jake Madfis
{jt} Juha Terho
{jac} James A. Cherry
{mab} Michael A. Budden
{ns} Nick Scalfone
{tw} Thomas Wolf

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Last updated on April 4, 2005 by Aaron Dodd (