[2F21] The Springfield Connection

The Springfield Connection                          Written by Jonathan Collier
                                                      Directed by Mark Kirkland
Production code: 2F21                        Original airdate in N.A.: 7-May-95
                                                  Capsule revision E, 22-Feb-97

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface.
              I will not mock Mrs/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The living room is seen through the barrel of a gun.
              Homer walks on, the gun trained on him, and he turns and
              fires.  The scene turns red starting at the top, as if
              being covered with blood.  Recycled from 2F10.

Did you notice...

    ... Homer uses "whomever" correctly?

Tony Hill:
    ... "Star Wars" segues into "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"?
    ... it takes three officers to carry the pizza?
    ... the cops laugh for :15 when Marge joins and :10 when she quits?
    ... Bart never pictured Marge as an authority figure before?
    ... Homer laughs for :22 when he pranked out Flanders?
    ... they kill almost a minute with extended laughs this episode?
    ... it's 12:50 when Marge breaks up the poker game?
    ... the lights flicker when Moleman gets executed?
    ... Marge's hair pops up when she removes her hat?
    ... Herman has to catch the 5:01?  [get it?  Levi's 501 jeans?  -

Don Del Grande:
    ... Chief Wiggum's hair turns black when he's outside at night?
    ... Itchy is the "Eat Cheese" mascot?
    ... the car Marge is driving in her police training has license
        plate "AL 21"?
    ... Marge's hair is in a ponytail when she wears her hat?
    ... when the hat is removed, the hair doesn't always bounce back up
        to normal?
    ... Marge's breakfast of a donut and cup of coffee?
    ... Burns swipes the $200 _and_ doesn't pay for his quart of milk?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... Marge wears white pearls to the orchestra?
    ... Barney in the drunk tank?
    ... Marge makes Bart wear pads and helmet for his own safety, yet he
        gets beaten up?
    ... the tallied years marked in Hans' cell?
    ... Ned drops his groceries when he gets to his house?
    ... a person backs up when Marge gives Homer a ticket?
    ... Herman talks a lot like Templeton (Paul Lynde) in "Charlotte's
    ... Homer recognizes the jeans are counterfeit right off?
    ... Milhouse wants to play with Bart late at night?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, man who likes guns, Barney, Hans, Abe)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Kearney)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Snake, Snake's brother, Wiggum, Benevenstanciano,
      Lou, Apu, Moe, Carl, Jericho, crony)
    - Harry Shearer (Hibbert, Eddie, Skinner, Ned Flanders, Lenny,
      Herman, Lovejoy)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz)
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Jimbo, Milhouse)
    - Tress MacNeille (Mrs. Skinner)
    - Maggie Roswell (Maude Flanders)

Movie (and other) references

  + "The French Connection"
    - episode title
  + "Police Academy" {jag}
    - gun-crazy guy at training weekend is the same
  + Cary Grant {hl}
    - Grant liked wearing women's underwear for comfort (according to an
      interview with him)
  + "An Officer and a Gentleman" {hl}
    - Marge climbing over wall very similar
  + "Magnum Force" {hl}
    - scene with Marge shooting targets
  + "Bullitt" {aw}
    - car chase scene
  + "Speed"
    - Marge jumps over an incomplete freeway
  + "Hill Street Blues"
    - music while Marge on the beat sounds similar to theme music
    - music over credits is very similar
  + "Cops"
    - footage at Skinner's looks the same
  + McGruff, the crime dog {th}
    - McGriff is very similar, with same slogan

Previous episode references

- [7F11], [9F14] Homer spends some time in the clink {rl}
- [7F16], [1F14] "Bringing in the Sheaves" is sung
- [8F16], [1F14], [2F04] "Bringing in the Sheaves" {rl}
- [8F22] Bart slides under a closing garage door (cf. Marge) {ddg}
- [9F04],[2F12] Someone shoots a gun at Ned Flanders {jrc}

Freeze frame fun

- Sign at park: {rl}
   | Jebediah Springfield Park |
   | 8:00   Medfly Spraying    |
   | 8:15   Springfield Pops   |
   | 8:30   Spraying - 2nd Pass|
- The danger sport magazines:
    - Bear Baiter Magazine -- $4.86
        - a guy dressed as a T-bone steak taunts a hungry bear
    - Rock Jumper ("The magazine for people who like to jump from rock
      to rock") -- $3.95
        - a guy jumps from a rock towards a far-away, small outcropping
    - Mosh Pitter No. 2 -- $3.95
        - a guy crowd surfs over a bunch of raised hands
    - Danger Liker ("Minefields: playgrounds for the '90s")
        - a guy pogo sticks in a minefield with an explosion in the
    - Cliff Biker Magazine ("The art of falling") -- $4.95
        - a guy rides down a near-vertical cliff on a mountain bike
    - Glass Eater ("Wine bottles: our ten favorite vintages") -- $4.95
        - a criminal-looking guy chews a wine bottle

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

"Proper" 3-Card Monte doesn't require the dealer to swap out the winning
card; the key is to hold the winning and a losing card in one hand and
toss the losing card when you make it look like it's the winning card.

Snake is holding his knife in his left hand, yet Marge manages to hit
Snake with a garbage can lid coming from Snake's left side without him
blocking it.  {ddg}

Marge starts to run her cart down a regular store aisle lined with food
shelves, but she crashes in a main aisle lined with coolers.  {th}

The man at training intent on getting his weapon disappears in one

When Marge is running the Obstacle Course and goes under the fence, her
hair goes through it.  {ddg}

Marge fires 20 shots from her gun without reloading.  {ddg}

Wiggum couldn't have seen the "Magic Eye" design between looking at
Marge and looking back at the page.  {th}

Chief Wiggum says Marge's beat is "Junkyville and Bumtown", but she
walks by the _Junkytown_ Legal Clinic.  {ddg}

Why would Apu let Burns behind the counter?  In fact, what is Burns
doing at the Kwik-E-Mart anyway?  {th}

In this episode, Evergreen Terrace has rural mailboxes, but in other
episodes, we've seen house-mounted boxes.  {th}

Marge sounds like Selma when she's scouting illegal activity.  {th}

When Marge notices the dog without a leash, she doesn't notice the man
behind the dog jaywalking.  {ddg}


Tony Hill: A fabulous effort!  It's the best thing they've done with
    Marge in her life!  Even though Marge is a "straight" character, she
    did a gaggle of funny stuff.  Only complaint is, that counterfeit
    jeans subplot was too contrived.  I give it an A!  But when are the
    "Girls of the Internet" showing up on ATS?

Don Del Grande: Grade: C. Worst non-clip show episode of the season.
    Lifeless story, predictable ending (well, I didn't see Herman
    masterminding a counterfeit jeans ring coming, but you get the
    idea), a "rake scene" (Ned and Homer's reaction to the police tape
    gag), and the jokes were nothing spectacular.

Dairenn Lombard: Besides Marge's carefully planed jokes, puns and
    plot...the side plots (and some jokes) were either forced or just
    didn't make any sense.  I mean, that Flanders one was the worst I'd
    ever seen.  It started out as a good idea but then they just kept
    going on and on...

Joshua Goldfoot: I thought it was a poor episode, with a few good gags.
    I liked the slam on pops concerts (and the idea that anything played
    by an orchestra is "culture.")  Internet references are always nice.
    But this episode...it just didn't work for me.  Another bump in an
    uneven season.

J. D. Baldwin: The "girls of the Internet" joke was about the only time
    I so much as cracked a smile during the whole episode and one of the
    maybe ten times I've laughed out loud (not counting the Lovecraft-
    ian Republican meeting) in this entire oh-so-unfunny season.

Chris Staves: Tonight I did something I haven't done in a long, long
    time.  I actually turned off an episode of The Simpsons before it
    was over.  It seems like the good episodes only come every other
    week these days.  The portion that I saw: D-.

Scott Fujimoto: I don't have any feelings at all toward this episode.  I
    just sorta sat there.  The only thing I noticed was the fact that
    Marge looked nice in a officer's suit with her hair tied back.
    Other than that, this episode is a total blank to me.  Grade: D.

Robert Evers: Finally, an episode that was done is the same mood and
    feel of those great 4th and 5th season episodes, when the Simpsons
    was in its prime!  The jokes weren't predictable, and the plot was
    original; the only thing lacking was an ending.  Grade: B-.

Christine Tiplady: I guess I'd give it a C, because unlike some other
    episodes it didn't actually make me cringe.  It was OK.  All I
    really remember is Bart & Lisa moments: fighting on the kitchen
    floor and cheering from the bedroom window.

Ricardo Lafaurie: This episode got better the second time I watched it,
    but it still wasn't all that great.  There was one ROTFL moment
    (Marge almost shooting Milhouse, Grampa, and Ned) but the rest was
    stale.  It _was_ a pretty noble effort on Collier's part, though.

Yours truly: Some of the gags were funny (Homer at the pops, Homer and
    women's underwear, Homer's defense of real designers), but the
    episode felt tired and forced.  Implausible at best, rather boring
    at worst.  Grade: D-.

Comments and other observations

John Williams

Tony Hill notes that Williams, "prolific film composer and former
    conductor of the Boston Pops, is still living."  Williams has
    composed the music for many hugely successful movies, like the "Star
    Wars" trilogy, "E.T.", "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and "Schindler's
    List".  Amusingly, he also did the music for a really bad 1958 movie
    called "Beatniks" which has been made fun of on "Mystery Science
    Theater 3000".

Where is Springfield revisited

Tony Hill points out that Medfly spraying is done only in California.

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]

It's an evening at the Springfield Pops at Jebediah Springfield Park
(sandwiched in between medfly sprayings).  Homer and Marge watch the
orchestra from atop a hill on a blanket on the grass.

  Marge: Aren't you glad we got out of the house and came downtown for a
         little culture?
  Homer: Peh.  They're butchering the classics.  Could that bassoon have
         come in any more late?
  Marge: Aw, come on, Homer, there's lasers.  You like lasers...
  Homer: Laser effects, mirrored balls...John Williams must be rolling
         around in his grave.
          [the music segues from "Star Wars" to "Twinkle Twinkle, Little
Hibbert: [chuckles] Devilishiously satirical!  I wonder if anyone else
         got that.
-- The Boston Pops, the modern equivalent of death, "The Springfield

"We're out of here," proclaims Homer, dragging Marge along.

They walk home through a seedy part of town.

Homer: Whoa, careful now.  These are dangerous streets for us upper-
       lower-middle class types, so avoid eye contact, watch your
       pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three-Card Monte.
Homer: Woo hoo!  Easy money!  [runs over]
Marge: Homer, these games are fixed.
Homer: Then how come that guy's winning?
  Man: [looks and sounds like Snake] Whoa, I, like, totally won again.
Snake: Way to go, bro!
-- Sincere viperine adulation, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge cautions Homer, "He looks and acts just like the dealer.  I think
they're related, or at least in cahoots."

Snake: Just pick the red card, it's totally not hard.
        [shuffles them a bit]
Homer: Twenty on this one, my good man.  [puts a $20 dows]
Snake: [flips it] Sorry, my good man: black.
        [Marge turns the other two cards over; they're both black]
Marge: Homer, he cheated you!
        [spectators grumble angrily]
Snake: Surely you don't blame _me_!
Marge: It's people like _you_ who are ruining our downtown promenades
       and piazzas.  How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like
-- A motherly scolding, "The Springfield Connection"

"Buh-bye," calls Snake hastily, running off.  "Somebody stop him!"
implores Marge, but everyone still stands and stares.  "He's getting
away," she further pleads, "come on, come on!"  Seeing as no one wants
to chase him, she runs after him herself.  "No, Marge!" calls Homer in
pursuit, but he can't follow for long: his breath becomes too labored
and he stops, panting painfully.

Marge starts to gain on the multiply-convicted felon; seeing this, he
turns down an alley, still pursued by Marge.  When he sees it's a dead
end and that he's trapped, he turns around and flicks open a
switchblade.  Marge gasps, "Uh, I must warn you, um...sometimes ordinary
people [stammers] they get a surge of adrenaline."  He advances on her,
and in a panic she smashes him in the face with a garbage can lid.
"See?" she scolds.

Wiggum and some other policemen arrive on the scene.

Wiggum: Cuff him, boys.  We're putting this dirtbag away.
 Snake: Huh!  I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
Wiggum: We'll try to make it twelve.
         [Homer arrives in a car, still panting]
 Homer: Marge, are you OK?
 Marge: Uh, I think I'm OK.  It was scary, but...in a weird way, it was
        also kind of exhilarating.
 Homer: Yes, it _is_ exhilarating to see the police get their man and
        save a hysterical woman.
 Marge: Oh, for crying out loud --
 Homer: Easy now, sweetheart, Homey's here.
 Marge: Mmm...
-- Secrets of a successful marriage, "The Springfield Connection"

Lisa and Bart hear about Marge's bravery as she makes soup.

 Lisa: Hey Mom, is this how you caught him?
        [throws Bart to the ground with his arm behind his back]
 Bart: [panting] Face it, Lis, you're too puny to -- aah!  Ow!
 Lisa: Heh heh heh...
Marge: Lisa, unhand your brother.
        [Lisa laughs unkindly, does so]
 Bart: Yeah, like that really hurt.  [walks away] [groaning] Oh...
 Lisa: Mom, was catching that guy _the_ most incredibly exciting thing
       you've ever done?
Marge: Well, it _was_ pretty exciting...but celery soup's pretty
       exciting too!
        [chops up the celery, grunting with each piece]
-- The many forms of excitement, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge seems listless and bored at the supermarket.  "Strange," she says,
picking up a can, "regular ham doesn't thrill me any more.  Hmph."
Grabbing a different can, she asserts, "I'm crossing over to deviled
ham!"  Then, when she thinks no one is looking, she pushes her cart
really fast and stands on the front of it, whooping joyously at the
speed.  She loses control of it as it hurtles toward a large hunk of
cheese on display, jumping off just as the cart crashes into the cheese
and becomes completely buried.  She walks away innocently.

When she parks the car and uses the automatic garage door closer, at the
last minute she rolls underneath the descending door.  She jumps for joy
outside the garage and cries, "Marge!"

At another store, Benevenstanciano hands her the new issue of Sponge and
Vacuum magazine (which previews the '96 sponges), but she seems more
interested in the Death Sports section, featuring such titles as Bear
Baiter, Rock Jumper ("The magazine for people who love to jump from rock
to rock"), Mosh Pitter, Danger Liker ("Minefields: Playgrounds for the
'90s"), Cliff Biker, and Glass Eater ("Wine bottles: our ten favorite
vintages").  Her eyes light up at this latter one when behind her, a few
police cars skid to a halt in front of the police station, their sirens
blaring.  A bunch of officers get out of their cars.

Wiggum: All right, get in there.
   Lou: You're going _down_.
 Eddie: I want a piece of him.
Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh?  Well, we got everything we
        need on you.
         [everyone grabs a piece of the pizza]
 Marge: [knocking] Uh, excuse me?
Wiggum: What?  What?  What what what what what?  This better be about
 Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
         [everyone laughs for a long time, gradually it fades]
Wiggum: Welcome aboard.
-- Bizzare police initiation, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer can't believe his ears.

Homer: You did _what_?!
 Bart: I borrowed your nail clipper.  What's the big deal?
Homer: Nothing.  I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she
       wants to be a cop.
 Bart: Cool!  Will you bring me along when you do evictions?
Marge: You got it, little buddy!
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the
       woman.  I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing
       the underwear (which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
Marge: Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened.  You'll
       always be the man of this house.
Homer: Aw, thanks honey.
        [they kiss; Homer bends one of his knees coquettishly]
-- Gender-bending heaven, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge reports to recruit training.

Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_
        something that happens overnight.  It takes one solid weekend of
        training to get that badge.
   Man: Forget about the badge!  When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your
   Man: I've had it up to here with your "rules"!  [walks off]
-- Stacy Koons in training, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge does the obstacle course, carrying concrete blocks up a hill,
swinging on ropes, crawling under a fence, and struggling to climb over
a tall brick wall.  "Women always seem to have trouble with the wall,"
observes Wiggum.  "They can't ever seem to find the door."

On the shooting range, Marge walks through a town made of wooden house
and building facades.  Various people (criminal and non-criminal alike)
appear in windows, and Marge must shoot only the criminals and spare the
non-criminals.  She achieves a perfect score, only Wiggum admonishes her
afterwards: "You missed the baby, you missed the blind man..."

The last test is a high-speed drive in a police car through traffic
cones, over hills, and across an incomplete freeway.  As she skids to a
halt at the finish, Wiggum says, "Oh, sorry, Simpson: you'll have to do
the course again.  I was trying to get this, er, Magic Eye thing to
work.  Aw, look at that!  Heh, a pony."

Everyone else watches TV at home when Marge walks in.  "Hey, everybody:
Mom's home!"  They all turn and stare at Marge who wears a cop uniform,
all except for her "Hard Rock Cafe" shirt.  "They didn't have my size
shirt, but you get the idea."

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:23]

At breakfast, Marge eats a donut and drinks coffee as everyone else eats
their regular things.

 Bart: Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure
Homer: Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there.  You've
       become very dear to me.
Marge: Oh, Homey, of course I will.
 Lisa: Mom, if someone shot at the mayor, would you have to throw
       yourself in front of him and take the bullet?
Marge: I suppose I would.
 Bart: What if they shot at a Coke machine?
Marge: No.
 Bart: TV?
Marge: No.
 Bart: TV with a picture of the mayor on it?
 Lisa: Whatever you do, Mom, we'll be proud of you.
Marge: Well thank you, honey.
 Lisa: As long as it's constitutional.
Marge: Mmm.  Homer, give me my pepper spray!
Homer: Oh, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border!  [eats
       something] Mmm, incapacitating...[his eyes water]
-- Marge's first day on the beat, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge turns up at the station for assignment.

Wiggum: All right, settle, people.  People, settle.  People!  Ward and
        Van Zuylen, stake out Donut Land: when they fry up a fresh
        batch, call it in.  Keneally and Earhart, back 'em up.
        Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in.
         [they remove their caps and don nightcaps]
        And Simpson, seeing how this is your first day, you're
        inexperienced and vulnerable.  Your beat is Junkyville and
-- The first-day assignments, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge walks past the legal clinic when she espies Lionel Hutz rooting
through a dumpster.

Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.
 Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private!
       You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster
Marge: I just wanted to say "hello".
 Hutz: Oh.  Hello.  [laughs nervously]
        [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents of the dumpster]
-- The truth _was_ out there, "The Springfield Connection"

She walks into Apu's Kwik-E-Mart.

     Apu: So, you are the new cop on the beat.  [sighing] OK, I know the
          drill: what will it be?  $100?  $200?
   Marge: $200.  [realizing] No, no!  I mean, nothing!  I don't take
     Apu: Yes, of course you don't.  I will just leave this money on the
          table with my unseeing back to the money on the table.
           [he turns around]
   Marge: Apu, no.
           [she turns around]
           [Mr. Burns walks by, snatches the money]
Together: [seeing the money gone] That's better!
-- Stash those "Gigantic Asses" magazines away, "The Springfield

{Marge pulls up outside a house where yelling is going on.  The scene
becomes that as filmed by a hand-held camera; the text "3:10pm,
disturbance call appears on the screen".}

      Marge: {I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.}
    Skinner: {Yes, indeed there is.  There's an inflatable bath pillow
             that mother and I both enjoy.  She claimed it was her day
             to use it, I maintained she was mistaken, we quarreled.
             Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed to my horror that
             _someone_ had slashed the pillow.}
      Marge: {Uh huh.  Who called the police?}
Skinner+Mom: {We both did.}
      Marge: {Look, why don't you two settle down?  I'm sure you can get
             another pillow.}
    Skinner: {Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why
             should I have to?  I've done nothing wrong.  And I _don't_
             give permission for my face to be on TV: I want it blurred!
              [his face becomes blurred]}
-- "Cops" comes to Springfield, "The Springfield Connection"

In the next scene, Marge lies on a couch in her bathrobe.

   Lisa: So Mom, what are you going to do with your day off?
  Marge: I just want to relax and forget that I'm part of that thin blue
         line which stands between civilization and chaos.  [sighs]
          [Bart walks in with his skateboard]
         Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that class nine vehicle
         without pads and a helmet.
   Bart: But Mom --
  Marge: It's for your own safety.
          [later, Bart gets beat up by Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney]
Kearney: Take that, Safety Boy!
  Jimbo: This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day!
-- Hey there, Safety Boy, "The Springfield Connection"

In the hairdressing salon, the Springfield ladies chatter while getting
their hair dried.

 Maude: I just hope they have Us magazine in heaven.
Mrs. S: He said it was his day to use the tub pillow.
  Edna: I can't go to the library anymore, everybody stinks!
         [they talk amongst themselves; Marge walks in]
 Marge: Don't stop talking on account of me.  I may be a cop, but I'm
        still your friend.  [everyone looks at her]
        So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel?
  Edna: Law-abiding.  I'm done!  [she runs out]
 Marge: Moe!  I've never seen you here before.
   Moe: [awkward] Well, these days my roots don't stay so chestnut on
        their own, Officer Simpson.
 Marge: You don't have to call me "Officer", I'm not on duty here.
         [a barber lowers a chair; it sounds like a shot]
         [Marge rolls and points her gun at everyone]
 Marge: Oh, heh.  Looks nice, it's, er, it's a good length for you.
-- Small talk, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer whistles while he strings police line around a house.

 Lisa: Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad.
Homer: Shush, dear.  You'll wreck Daddy's fun.
  Ned: [walking up, singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the --
       oh my Lord.  Something horrible has happened!
Homer: [snickers, then laughs] Fooled you, Flanders!  Made you think
       your family was dead.  [laughs] Don't you get it?
  Ned: [strained] Heh.  Heh heh...
Homer: They're not, though.
  Ned: Oh?
Homer: [laughs] But you thought they were!
  Ned: Yeah.
Homer: That's why it was so funny.  [laughs]
  Ned: Heh heh, that's a good one...
-- Give that man the $100,000, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge takes Lisa on a tour of the station.

 Marge: And that's the drunk tank --
Barney: [groaning] Oh --
 Marge: -- and this is Mommy's desk.
  Lisa: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the
        protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy
        elite?  Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social
        problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
 Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog!  [uses a hand
        puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!
-- "Bite Back" merchandise, "The Springfield Connection"

Lenny has an announcement for the poker buddies in Homer's kitchen.

 Lenny: Hey, great news, guys: I picked up a nudie deck for our game.
 Homer: [grabs it] "The Girls of the Internet"...ooh, I'd go on-line
        with them any day!
         [everyone clamors]
   Moe: Hey, hey: we've offended Herman.
Herman: No, no, I'm just going out for some fresh air.
   Moe: Jeez, that guy sure likes his fresh air.  None of that for me!
        [puffs on a huge cigar, coughs] Oh, yeah, yeah!
-- The Stale Air Fund, "The Springfield Connection"

 Carl: Hey, Homer, are you sure it's OK to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble
       here now that your wife's a cop?
Homer: Are you kidding?  Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal!
       This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we
       get a free funeral for Marge (God forbid), and I can run
       background checks on whomever I want!  [to Moe] -- Mohammar.
  Moe: Homer, please!  Please, ixnay on the ohammar-May.
Homer: [holding a radar gun] Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny:
       I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
Lenny: Come on, put that away: those radar guns give you cancer.
Homer: All the more reason for you to hurry up.  Hey, what could be
       going a hundred miles per -- ow!  [Lenny slugs him]
-- Homer's love for technology, "The Springfield Connection"

 Marge: [gasps] Illegal gambling in my house?
   Moe: _Your_ house?  _Your_ house?  Gee, it's so glamorously decorated
        I thought I was in Vegas!  Hey, you guys lied to me: you said it
        was Vegas!
Barney: Yeah, well we'll be going.
         [everyone leaves, murmuring]
 Homer: Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies!
 Marge: I didn't mean to.
 Homer: Oh, you've become such a cop.  And not that long ago you were so
        much more to me: you were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons,
        an unclogger of hairy clogs.
 Marge: I'm still all those things, only now I'm cleaning up the city,
        sewing together the social fabric, and unplugging the clogs of
        our legal system.
 Homer: You're cooking what for dinner?
-- Marge attempts a parallel structure, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge loses her enthusiasm for police work the next day.

Marge: [thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law.  Dog,
       no leash.  Man, littering.  Horse, not wearing diaper.  Car
       parked across _three_ handicap spaces...[spoken] Homer!
Homer: Hey, Marge.  How's my little piglet?
Marge: Homer, I'm on duty.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK, I'm supposed to be working too.  [chuckles]
Marge: You have to move your car.
Homer: I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for
       those kids over there.
        [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs up]
Marge: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to
       move your car now.
Homer: I'll be right back.  Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
-- Marge, chopped liver, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: Oh, that's it: I'm going to write you a ticket.
Homer: But Marge!  We're family.
Marge: You're breaking the law.
Homer: I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you
       back your hat.  [snatches it]
Marge: Hey!
        [Homer taunts her; Marge grabs for it]
        [a crowd assembles to watch]
       Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
Homer: Ooh, what are you going to do about it?  What are you going to
       do, huh?  [Marge's voice] Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to
       arrest you.  Wha -- what?
        [Marge snaps handcuffs on him]
       Marge, not here.  Hey...you're not really arresting me?
Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right.  [screams like a sissy]
-- His attorney will be Lionel Hutz, I'm guessing, "The Springfield

[End of Act Two.  Time: 15:47]

Wiggum comes to get Homer out of his jail cell.

 Wiggum: All right, Simpson, you're free to go.
  Homer: Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry tort.
         [does so]
Lovejoy: [in the next cell] All right, Hans, time to go.
   Hans: But he ate my last meal.
Lovejoy: Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today,
         consider yourself lucky.
   Hans: Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail?
Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking.
          [Hans is led away by two men]
-- The Moleman bites the dust, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge is apologetic to Homer.

Marge: I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer, but what I did was right.
       Some day when you really need it you'll be happy there are
       dedicated cops like me out there.
Homer: I have nothing more to say to you, Marge.  I'm drawing a line
       down the center of the house a la "I Love Lucy".  You stay on
       your side and I'll stay on my side.
        [sees he's drawn himself into a corner]
-- Aw, Ricky, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer laments his treatment to his poker buddies.

 Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police
        academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that
        movie, "Spaceballs".  But instead it's been painful and
        disturbing like that movie "Police Academy".
Barney: Hey Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply.  After this case,
        and the other case, there's only one case left!
         [pretending to be the other people in the room] Yeah, yeah!
        Uh, Barney's right.  Yeah, let's drink some more beer.  Yeah!
        Hey, what about some beer?  Yeah, Barney's right.
 Homer: All right, guys, pipe down.  I got some more in the garage.
Herman: [quickly] Uh, I'll, I'll get it for you, Homer.
 Homer: Hmm.  I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
   Moe: The "garage"?  Hey fellas, the "garage"!  Well, ooh la di da,
        Mr. French Man.
 Homer: Well what do _you_ call it?
   Moe: A car hole!
-- Homer gets his vocabulary built, "The Springfield Connection"

Herman walks into the garage with a briefcase.  Three men wait for him.

Jericho: You're late, Herman.
 Herman: Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality,
         Mr. Jericho?
Jericho: [checking the contents of the briefcase] Looks like good stuff,
         but of course, I'll have to sample it first.
          [trying on a pair of pants] These are fabulous!
 Herman: Yeah.  Who would suspect that they're counterfeit jeans?
Jericho: And what better place to make the buy than a cop's garage where
         no one would suspect a thing?
          [they all laugh evilly]
-- The notorious jean-smuggling ring, "The Springfield Connection"

 Homer: Hey Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny.
        [gasps] A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole!
        I'm going to tell everyone.  Wait here.
Herman: Not so fast.  [levels a gun]
 Homer: [slows his gait] OK.
Herman: Maybe you should just stop entirely.
 Homer: [stops] Herman, how could you?  We've all thought about
        counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the
        victims?  Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria
        Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy.  _These_ are the people who
        saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too!"
-- Homer pleads on the side of capitalism, "The Springfield Connection"

Herman: [ominous] Advance on him, men.
 Marge: [appearing at the garage door] I don't think that's a very good
 Crony: Oh no, it's Gloria Vanderbilt out for revenge!
 Marge: No, it's Officer Simpson of the police.
         [handcuffs the men; Herman rolls away and points his gun at
 Homer: Herman, your beef is with me!  Leave the girl out of this.
Herman: OK.  [grabs him as hostage]
 Marge: [gasps] Homer!
 Homer: It's too late for me, Marge!  Sell the jeans and live like a
-- Last-ditch pleas, "The Springfield Connection"

Herman escapes out the side door with Homer.  Marge goes out into the
yard looking for him.  Milhouse comes out from behind a tree: "Is Bart
home?"  Grampa pushes a pram out: "Just taking Maggie for a stroll."  A
hideous witch appears from behind a fence and Marge shoots it.  "Well,"
notes Ned, "I guess I _am_ putting up the Hallowe'en decorations a
little early.  Criticism accepted."

"Marge!" cries Homer from Bart's treehouse.  Marge begins the ascent;
Lisa and Bart cheer her on from an upstairs window.  "Go back to bed!"
she admonishes, "Don't make me come up there."  The children groan, turn
out the light, then continue to watch.

Herman says slyly to his captive, "Looks like your wife is embarking up
the wrong tree."  Herman aims his gun at the entrance, but Marge comes
in through the secret trapdoor, knocking Herman sprawling.  "Freeze!"
she cries.  "Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's

 Homer: Oh, Marge, you saved my life!  I'm sorry I teased you.  You are
        a really good cop.  I'm proud of you.
         [they embrace]
Herman: So long, gotta catch the 5:01!
         [uses jeans to slide down a rope]
 Homer: He's getting away!  You blew it, Marge.
 Marge: I don't think so.
         [the jeans start to rip]
Herman: Oh, foiled by my own shoddy merchandise!
         [he falls to the ground]
-- The best-laid plans, "The Springfield Connection"

Herman is wheeled into an ambulance.

   Abe: That's _my_ ambulance.  I called for it four hours ago.
 Homer: Marge, how did you know --
 Marge: That the pants would rip?
 Homer: No, what I was wondering was --
 Marge: Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated
        husband has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching -- which
        these jeans have in spades.
Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson, but, um, we can't hold him.
        There's no evidence.
 Homer: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
Wiggum: Um, they've, uh, mysteriously, er, disappeared.
         [all the policemen put on new jeans]
        Looking good, boys.
 Marge: That's it.  There's too much corruption on this force.  I quit.
         [all the policemen laugh for a long time]
Wiggum: Ah.  Sorry to lose you, Simpson.
 Lenny: [in the kitchen] I don't think they're coming back.
   Moe: All right, that does it: I'm looking at his cards.
         [does so] Aw, crap.  I fold.
-- The neverending poker game, "The Springfield Connection"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:53]

The music over the credits is the Simpsons theme done to sound like the
theme from Hill Street Blues.


   {jrc} James Curry
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {jag} Joshua Goldfoot
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {hl}  Haynes Lee
   {aw}  Al Wesolowsky
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)