Bart the Lover

Bart the Lover                                            Written by John Vitti
                                                       Directed by Carlos Baeza

TV Guide synopsis

Bart's answer to a month of detention from Mrs. Krabappel is to answer her
personal ad with letters from a Mr. Wonderful, but his last laugh is more
of a guilty whimper.  Voices: Narcia Wallace, Nancy Cartwright, Harry Shearer,
Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner.

Title sequence

Cut from clouds directly to driveway.

Driveway   :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past.
              Homer says `Waugh!' when the car closes in on him.

Couch      :- A four-armed, one-eyed green octopus-alien enjoys a can
              of beer on the Simpsons couch.  It makes its escape
              through a trap door in the floor before the family arrive.
              The Simpsons leap on the couch - and they all fit.
              Recycled from [8[FG]04].

Didja notice...

        Also Starring
	    Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
            Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy?)
        Special Guest Voice
            Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel)

    ... when Bart broke the fishtank, Wendell covered his mouth?
    ... Ms. K read `Woodrow's letter in her slip, with her windows open? {dh}
    ... Homer's doghouse ``blueprint'' included a chimney with smoke
        coming out of it? {dh}  Note also the smile-face on the sun.
    ... Bart threw away a letter addressed to Lisa! {dh}
    ... Maude wears lipstick inside the house?
    ... Ms. Krabappel wore earrings in the tub?
    ... in church, Marge and Lisa smile attentively, while Bart and Homer
        grouse?  As usual.

Mixed reviews

Alan J. Rosenthal {ajr}:  I didn't like this one too much.  I thought that
Bart was a little <too> cruel.  Usually it's cool when Bart is cruel, but this
was too much.  His line, ``I can't help but feel partially responsible'', was
an amazing line, though.

Yours Truly {rjc}:  Another strong showing.  I agree with Mr. Rosenthal that
Bart's ``I can't help but feel partially responsible'' was pure genius.  And
Homer's mumbled postcard was truly inspired.  I just had trouble with Lisa
and Marge's willingness to continue the ruse rather than force Bart to admit
the truth.

J. D. Baldwin {jdb}:
Did anyone else think the guy who wished for a world without
zinc looked like he could be a young Troy McClure?

Movie (and other) References

  + Pamela Smart, the teacher who had an affair with her 15-year-old student
    and convinced him to kill her husband
        - the sexy photo of Ms. Krabappel {jtk,}
  + Ren and Stimpy
        - the only two words visible on one of the essays were `Happy' and

Freeze Frame Fun

The stupid movie

   Milhouse is asleep
   Bart yawns
   Nelson carves on his desk with a knife
   Martin works the projector
        [It's funny 'cause it's true.  The poindexters always run the
        movie projectors. --rjc]

Chef Lonely-Hearts ``Soup for One'' Chicken Noodle

    picture of a pretty depressed looking chef on the label
   Later in the episode, Ms. Krabappel eats Krusty Soup out of the can.

Springfield Magazine

    Cover story:  Krusty Picks Springfield's Best Chili

    ``We Talk With J.D. Salinger''

    Jym Dyer {jd} explains that <nobody> talks with J.\ D.\ Salinger,
    who is a recluse.

    Ad for Duff Dry:
            TRY  --------     [that's supposed to be a beer can]
            TRY (DUFF DRY)
            TRY  --------

    ``Springfield on One Dollar a Day'' by Greg Lovello
        Inset photo of a wino

    Looking For Love?  Call KLondike 5-3457

    Duff beer commercial on the back cover.

Ms. Krabappel's apartment

    On her to-do list
        - Grade Tests
        - [unclear]
        - Cat Food

The assembly

    In the audience
        Sherri and Terri play patty-cake
        A boy pulls on a girl's braids
        Bart tosses a paper airplane
        A boy sits upside-down in his chair (cf. [8F03])

    Mrs. Hoover and Ms. Krabappel smoke under a `no smoking' sign.

    The music of `Saber Dance' by Khatchaturian.

    Mr. Amazing  -- holds six yo-yo's in one hand
    Sparkle      -- a yo-yo in each hand, plus one on each ear
    Zero-Gravity -- throws yo-yo upwards
    The Cobra    -- yo-yo attached to his tongue

    The Twirl King van license plate: YO-YO {ajr}


    Cover Story:  Updike on the Martini
   [Buck Whaley (sowhaley@ecuvm1.bitnet) explains, ``Middle-class angst
    (Updike's big subject) and martinis go hand-in-hand in popular
    American iconography.'']
   [Jym Dyer {jd} adds that Updike's ``Rabbit'' stories have appeared
    in ``Playboy''.]
   The cover-girl wore a (PLAYBOY) rabbit around her neck. {dh}


    The ``Happy Joy'' essay.
    The top essay on the stack reads...

        Adrian Be[lew]              [student's name]

        [Scribble, scribble]

        Coltrane [scribble]
        Miles 62
        Thelonious Monk
        Greatest Jazz

    Oktah Ahisha {osa} explains that John Coltrane and Thelonius Monk
    are noted jazz musicians.

Responses to Ms. Krabappel's personal ad

    Return addresses:
            Springfield Retirement Castle (from Jasper)
            Butch Kloon(?), 725 S. Spr...
    Addressed to:
            Springfield Magazine
            Box 402

Letters in the Simpsons mail

    Addressed to:
            Lisa Simpson
            94 Evergreen Terrace
            Springfield, USA 00913

    Addressed to:
            94 Evergreen Terrace
            Springfield  USA

Possible Bad Influences

    Bumper Stickers
    Comic Books

Duff Breweries / Capital City

   See the World's Biggest Pull-Tab
   Postmarked 1978.

Playing at the Aztec: Ernest Needs a Kidney

Gordon (Gordie) Howe [transcribed by Dave Hall {dh}]

     Career Totals               Games      Goals     Assists     Pts.

      National Hockey League      1767       801        1049      1850
      World Hockey Association     419       174         334       508
      Major League Totals         2186       975        1383      2358

Media response

David Hyatt {dh2} found the following article from the 15-Feb-92 issue of
the San Francisco Comical, err, Chronicle, taken in turn from the Los
Angeles Daily News:


    Los Angeles -- ``The Simpsons'' creator Matt Groening contends that
    Thursday's episode depicting an animated teenager holding a gun to his
    head was meant to be funny, but some suicide experts say it could be a
    bad influence on fragile children.

    ``The majority of kids will not be disturbed by that, but a child who
    is vulnerable and disturbed may imitate the behavior,'' said Pamela
    Canter, executive director of the National Committee on Youth Suicide

    But Groening said that the mock suicide scene has to be looked at in
    the episode's context.

    ``We opened the show with Bart and his class watching a scratchy
    black-and-white film about zinc,'' Groening said.  ``It was a send-up
    of those cornball education films we were forced to watch when we
    were growing up.''

    The snippet showed the teen in a dream sequence imagining a world
    without the element zinc.

    Because zinc didn't exist, the teen had no car; without a car,
    he lost his girlfriend.  Distraught, he put a gun to his head, but
    when he pulled the trigger, nothing happened because there was no
    zinc in the firing pin.

    ``He wakes up thinking, `Thank God I live in the world of zinc,' ''
    Groening said.  ``If anything, it possibly cheers up suicidal teens
    by giving them something to laugh at.''

``How about that last line from MG? In yer face!'' says David Hyatt.

Animation goofs

The waiter who takes the chair away at the Gilded Truffle changes when
the camera angle changes.  (First it's a blue-haired guy with a tall head,
but when we switch to Bart's POV, it looks like a brown-haired Mr. Largo.)

Marge's shoes are white rather than their traditional red when she plays
with Maggie.  They regain their color afterwards.

Dave Hall:

Ms. Krabappel's gas tank changes sides.

The next day at school, Martin wasn't drawn with `pens in his pocket'.

Maude magically sprouts a place setting at dinner.

The paper airplane hit Rod's left eye, yet he covered his right eye.

Homer's tetanus-inducing board vanishes once its job is done.

Comments and other observations



George Harris {gh} notes that Ned's ``half-cocked'' speech ``has got to be
the most outrageous quote in the Simpsons' history.''

Automobiles identifies Jimmy's car as a 1966 Ford Galaxie.

Bart's detention duties

    Unclog pipes (remove Malibu Stacey doll head)
    Spit-clean Ms. Krabappel's coffee mug
    Wax the globe (with Globe Wax)
    Scrub the floor with a toothbrush

Quotes and scene summary

 The class is forced to watch one of those stupid educational films.
 Jimmy's car won't start because the battery is dead---one of the
 consequences of wishing for a world without zinc.  Nor can he
 phone Betty to tell her he's going to be late.  Distraught, Jimmy
 puts a gun to his head, but it doesn't fire---no zinc for the firing
 pin.  Jimmy then wakes up from his zincless nightmare.
   Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries,
   handguns [*bang*!] and many things made of zinc.
   -- Jimmy, a character in one of those stupid educational films,
      ``Bart the Lover''
 ``Gross, he's picking his nose!'' exclaims Bart, casting a well-placed
 shadow.  The bell rings, and the kids rush out.
   If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. ...
   We can talk about anything. ...  I'll do your homework for ya? ...
   -- Ms. Krabappel, alone again, ``Bart the Lover''
 With a heavy sigh, she drives home, stopping at the Kwik-E-Mart.
   Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.
   -- Apu, ``Bart the Lover''
 Ms. Krabappel buys a Scratch-N-Win, and doesn't.  Driving home, her
 car sputters.  The gas station attendant identifies sugar in the gas
 tank.  (``Your ex-husband strikes again.'')  She arrives home and spots
 the personal ads section in a magazine.  ``It might be fun, kind of a
 lark.''  She dials the number.  ``Come on, answer the phone...''  She
 slams her fist on the counter.  ``I need a man!''

 The students are gathered in the auditorium for an assembly.  Bart tosses
 a paper airplane which, just like your mother warned you, hits Todd in
 the eye.  Principal Skinner eventually gets everyone's attention and
 introduces Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company, who in
 turn introduces Mr. Amazing, Sparkle, Zero-Gravity, and The Cobra, four
 teen-aged yo-yo-ers.  They have the entire student body mesmerized.
   Those guys must be millionaires!
   -- Bart is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover''
   I'll bet they get all kinds of girls!
   -- Nelson is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover''
 Ms. Hoover fails to see the educational value of the assembly, but
 Ms. Krabappel finds a typically cynical explanation.  The demonstration
 continues.  Afterwards, Lisa gets an autographed photo of Sparkle.
 ``Wait, this isn't you.''  ``That's the <old> Sparkle.''  The yo-yo-ers
 are herded into the van and scoot off.  (``Get your worthless butts
 in the van!  We got three more schools to do!'')

 The next day, every student has a yo-yo.  Some are better than others.
 Bart seems to have become quite an expert.  At home, Homer and Marge
 watch Bart play with his yo-yo.  (No, silly, I mean the toy.)
   Homer: Can you believe it!?  Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and
          live off the boy!
   Marge: What?  Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks!
   Homer: [thinks]  Donald Trump? ... No.
          Arnold Palmer? ... No.
          Bill Cosby! ... No.
          [out loud]  D'oh!
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 In school...
   Ms.K:     [reading]  After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out
             of food and water.  [Nelson raises his hand]  Yes, Nelson.
   Nelson:   Did they have any have yo-yo's?
   Ms.K:     [exasperated] No, they did not have yo-yo's.
             [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
             were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.
   Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's?
   Ms.K:     [snaps]  No, they did not have yo-yo's!
             [slams book closed]  That's it!
             [slams book onto her desk]  I am getting sick and tired of
             talking about yo-yo's.  From now on, I will not accept any book
             reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's
             or yo-yo-related topics.  Am I making myself clear?
   Bart:     Yo!
   -- Yo, mama.  ``Bart the Lover''
   Milhouse: Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today?
   Bart:     Just one.  A little something I call ``Plucking the Pickle''.
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 But the yo-yo crashes into the aquarium.  Pan from the yo-yo, down
 the string, to Bart's finger.
   I didn't do it.
   -- Bart, caught red-handed, ``Bart the Lover''
 Groundskeeper Willy cleans the mess.
   Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass.  They're goin' to
          a better place.  [takes them out of the room]  [a toilet flushes]
   -- To that big fishtank in the sky, ``Bart the Lover''
 Ms. Krabappel gives Bart one month's detention and confiscates the yo-yo.
   Ms.K: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?
   Bart: [imagines himself, yo-yo in hand.  Ms. Krabappel is inches tall]
         Here ya go.
   Ms.K: [jumps]
   Bart: [pulls it out if reach]  Just kidding.
         [drops the yo-yo] Here ya go.
   Ms.K: [jumps]
   Bart: [pulls it out if reach]  Just kidding.  Ha-ha-ha.
         [end of dream]
   Ms.K: Well, would you?
   Bart: Absolutely!
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 The yo-yo goes into Ms. Krabappel's desk, along with other confiscated items.

 Ms. Krabappel receives a response to her personal ad.  From Jasper.

 After class, Bart works under the sink, muttering, ``She'll pay for this.''
 He discovers the source of the clog---a Malibu Stacey doll head.
   Ms.H: Edna, Happy Hour in the teachers' lounge.
   Ms.K: Just a sec!  [scribbles `B' atop all the essays]
   -- There's a time for quality and a time for quantity, ``Bart the Lover''
 After Ms. Krabappel leaves, Bart retrieves his yo-yo, and spots the
 personal ad.
   1 + 1 = 2?
   Recently divorced
   4th grade teacher
   wishes to meet man
       age: 18-60
   Write: Edna K
          Box 402
   -- Ms. Krabappel's personal ad, ``Bart the Lover''
 Bart discovers responses to the ad and puts 2 and 2 together.
 (Err, 1 and 1.)  He sets to work composing a reply.  ``My name is...''
 He looks around and spots a portrait of Woodrow Wilson.  ``... Woodrow.''

 Ms. Krabappel reads the response in her bedroom.  ``I like holding hands
 and dinner by candlelight.  And oh, yes.  I really hate yo-yo's.''  She
 collapses with joy on her bed.

 [End of Act One.  Time: 7:51]

 Marge looks out the kitchen window and spots SLH, shivering.  The dog
 tries to drink from his water bowl, but the water has frozen, and his
 tongue sticks to the dish.
   Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
   Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
   Marge: I am not!
   Homer: Yes, you are.  You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse
          commercials on TV.
   -- That's a load of rich creamery butter... ``Bart the Lover''
   Homer: I'll build him a doghouse. [starts sketching]
   Marge: Oh, I don't know...
   Homer: Don't worry, I just drew up a little blueprint.
          Let me walk you through it.
          [shows his sketch, quality rivaling that of a 4-year-old]
          This is the door.  He goes through that. ... This is the roof. ...
          This happy character here is the sun.  He shines down on the house, see?
   -- The best-laid plans, ``Bart the Lover''
 Bart comes in with the day's mail.
   How was detention today, dear?
   -- Marge's motherly concern, ``Bart the Lover''
   I'm starting to get the hang of the floor-waxer.
   -- Bart returns from another day of detention, ``Bart the Lover''
 One letter is addressed to ``Woodrow''.  Bart reads it in his room.
 ``You're not like the other men I've met.''  ``Yeah, I'm the twenty-eighth
 President of the United States.''  Ms. Krabappel invites Woodrow to
 write back and encloses a photo.
   You've got a date with the Xerox machine!
   -- Bart receives a sexy photo of Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
 In the yard, Homer tries to saw wood for the doghouse, but fails as usual,
 swearing all the while.  Tood hears this from the Flanders' yard.

 At the Flanders' dinner table...
   A fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar?
   Well, sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake.  Took me the whole
   afternoon to track him down!
   -- Ned Flanders, ``Bart the Lover''
   Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
   Todd:  Hell, no!
   Ned+Maude+Rod: [gasp!]
   Maude: What did you say?
   Todd:  I said I didn't want any damn vegetables.
   Ned:   All right, that's it, young man.  No Bible stories for you tonight!
   Todd:  [leaves, crying]
   Maude: [to Ned] Weren't you a little hard on him?
   Ned:   Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
   -- Dinner at the Flanders' house, ``Bart the Lover''
 Rev. Lovejoy is about to dig into his chilled dessert.  Mrs. Lovejoy
 comes in, ``Ned Flanders is on the phone.''  Rev. Lovejoy mutters, ``Oh,
 if this about that stupid quarter again...''
   Rev.L: [reluctantly, to phone] Hello, Ned.
   Ned:   Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy.
          My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
   Rev.L: Well, you know kids and vegetables.  What was it?  Asparagus?
   Ned:   No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a `bad word'!
   Rev.L: [realizes]  Oh, oh, right, yeah.
          Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from <someplace>.
          Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
   Ned:   <Where> in the Bible?
   Rev.L: Uh... Page 900. [quickly hangs up]
   Ned:   But Rever--- [click]
   Rev.L: [looks down at his dessert, which has melted]  Damn Flanders.
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 Bart pays Lisa a visit.
   Bart: Hey, Lis.  A moment of your time.
   Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah?
   Bart: Suppose I was writing my <second> letter to a girl, and I already
         used up my A-material.  What should I say?
   Lisa: [teasing]  Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not
         telling me about?  [puts down he sax, bats her eyelashes coyly]
   Bart: Oh, please.
   Lisa: Is it Sherri?
   Bart: No.
   Lisa: Is it Terri?
   Bart: No!
   Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?
   Bart: No!
   Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa?
   Bart: No!!  It's <not> for me.  It's... homework.
   Lisa: Sure it is.
         Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework!
         [puckers up]
   Bart: [finally fed up, pushes Lisa aside]
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 At the Flanders' residece...
   Todd:  [watches `Gomer Pyle' on television]
   Ned:   Is this <all> he watches?
   Maude: Well, he used to watch `Davey and Goliath', but he thought the idea
          of a talking dog was blasphemous.
   -- The House of the Lord, ``Bart the Lover''
 Ned scratches out another potential bad influence on Todd.

 While Marge collects the laundry, Bart asks if she saved Homer's love
 letters.  She did, of course, although there's only one.  And it's really
 a postcard from Duff Brewery.  Bart reads it as Homer v.o.'s.
   [sloppily scrawled]
   Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit.
   they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!?
   get outta here [scrawl]
   -- Homer's single love letter (postcard) to Marge, ``Bart the Lover''
 Bart spit-cleans Ms. Krabappel's coffee mug and asks what's troubling her.
 She muses how she wishes she could meet a man who likes the way she looks
 in the morning, laughs at her jokes, can fix her car...

 In his room, Bart composes his reply.
   Dear Edna,
   Your photo took my breath away.  Truly yours is a butt that won't quit.
   Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while
   I gapped my spark plugs.
   -- Bart's second letter to Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
 Ms. Krabappel submerges in her bubble bath in ecstasy.

 Rod and Todd play.
   Rod:  At last we built the mission.
   Todd: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.
   Rod:  [sings] Bringing in the sheaves!
   Todd: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves!
   Rod+Todd: We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 Ned scratches out ``brother'' from his list of possible bad influences.
 From the next yard comes Homer's swearing as he fights with the doghouse.
   Ned:   Homer, I'm afriad I've got a bone to pick with you.
   Homer: Look, if it's about the camcorder, I <lost> it, okay?
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
   Ned:   I'm talking about your, heh heh, potty-mouth.
   Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
   All of us pull a few `boners' now and then, go off `half-cocked', make
   `asses' of ourselves.  I don't want to be `hard on' you...
   -- Ned Flanders talks to Homer about his foul language, ``Bart the Lover''
   Ned:   I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boy.
   Homer: Oh, come on, Flanders.  I don't complain about your... ...
   Ned:   What's wrong with my moustache?
   Homer: Makes it look like you got something to hide.
   Ned:   What!?
   Homer: [privately] People are talking...  Lots of people.
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 Ned makes a deal.  He'll shave the ``ol' soup strainer'' if Homer gives
 the sailor talk the heave-ho.  Homer agrees.  ``Aye-aye! ... [sotto]
 Admiral Butt-head.''

 Bart watches ``Colorization Theater'' (all the colors are way off) and
 picks up some more useful phrases for his letters to Ms. Krabappel.

 Ms. Krabappel shows Ms. Hoover her latest letter.  She'll ask for a photo,
 and ``If he's got everything where it should be, I'm reeling him in!''
 Bart opens ``NHL Stars of 1950'', flips to Gordie Howe and snip out the
 photo, saying, ``Strap on your skates, Gordie.  You're going in.''

 That evening...
   Homer: Hey, Marge.  You wanna hear something funny?  Flanders thinks I
          swear too much!  Hee-hee!  ... Marge, you're not laughing.
   Marge: Well, you know, maybe he's right.
   Homer: Well, what a surprise!  Marge sticks up for Flanders!
          Can we have <one> conversation where you don't bring up your hero,
          Ned Flanders?
   Marge: Actually, Homer, <you> brought up Ned Flan---
   Homer: Look, we're past that.
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
   When my father got out of the Navy, he cursed a blue streak.
   It nearly cost him his job as a baby photographer.
   -- Marge talks to Homer about his swearing, ``Bart the Lover''
 Marge suggests Homer start a ``Swear Jar'', contributing 25 cents for each
 offense.  Homer agrees, but asks lots of questions to set the ground rules.

 In the treehouse, Bart reads Ms. Krabappel's response, suggesting they meet
 for dinner, then return to her apartment ``for some home cookin'.''  Bart
 is puzzled at first, then says, ``Aye Carumba!''  Bart has had his fun.
 ``Time to boat this bass.''
   Ms.K: [writing]  When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here
         watching me.
         [looks up, Bart is watching her]
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
 Bart composes his reply, inviting Ms. Krabappel to dinner at the Gilded
 Truffle.  Ms. Krabappel tries on a large assortment of dresses (ranging
 from cute polka dots to slinky to leather).

 Bart chuckles at seeing Ms. Krabappel waiting at the Gilded Truffle,
 then leaves to enjoy the movie next door.  After the movie is over, he
 spots Ms. Krabappel still waiting, and crying.
   I can't help but feel partly responsible.
   -- Bart, completely responsible, ``Bart the Lover''
 [End of Act Two.  Time: 16:16]

 In church, Homer accidentally puts a $20 bill in the collection tray.
 ``Da--''.  (*clink*) go the coins into the jar.  At the bowling alley,
 the last pin won't go down.  ``Oh, you son-of-a---'' (*clink*).
 Ned, having shaved off his moustache, was immediately cast in a commercial.
 ``The way these checks keep coming in is almost criminal!''  Homer yells,
 ``You dirty bast---'' (*clink*)  Homer completes the doghouse.  Lisa asks
 where the door is.  ``Ohhh---'' (*clink*)  While Homer reclines in the
 hammock, a beehive falls on his stomach.  Homer's bee-sting-covered hand
 drops more coins into the quickly-filling jar.

 At detention, Bart tries to tell Ms. Krabappel there are millions of other
 men.  She challenges him to name one.  Principal Skinner?  ``Let's just
 say his Mommy won't let him out to play.''  Coach Fortner is an alcoholic.
 As for Groundskeeper Willie, ``I'm not going to <tell> what that guy's
   Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life.
   And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry.
   [she cries]
   -- Ms. Krabappel, dumped again, ``Bart the Lover''
 In the yard, Homer hits his thumb with a hammer, but says, ``Oh, fudge.''
 Upon stepping on a nail, ``Fiddle-dee-dee.  That will require a tetanus
 shot.''  Fed up, he kicks the doghouse down.  Marge and Lisa wheel in a
 brand new doghouse they bought, more than paid for by the money in the
 swear jar.  And there's also a little surprise.
   Gasp!  Beer!  How did you know!
   -- Homer receives a surprise gift, ``Bart the Lover''
 Inside, Marge plays peek-a-boo with Maggie.  Bart comes in.  ``Mom, this is
 a little ahead of schedule, but... I need help with my love life.''  Lisa
 responds, ``I knew it!''

 Bart shows the photo of Ms. Krabappel he received.
   This is your teacher!?  I should start going to Parents' Night.  [growls]
   -- Homer sees Bart's photo of a sexy Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
   Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!
   Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
   Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted
          to hear!
   -- The secret to a long-lasting marriage, ``Bart the Lover''
 Lisa suggests they write another letter, saying good-bye without hurting
 her feelings.
   Step aside!  Sensitive love letters are my specialty!
   -- Homer offers to help Bart write a love letter, ``Bart the Lover''
   Dear Baby,
   Welcome to Dumpville.  Population---You.
   -- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover''
 Time passes, and various attempts to write a letter are proposed and shot
   Bart:  How about, ``Crocodiles bit off my face.''
   Marge: That's disgusting!  And besides, when a woman lives a man, it
          doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
   Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.
   -- ``Bart the Lover''
   Three simple words:  I am gay.
   -- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover''
 The family seem to have settled on a reply, but Homer wants to add,
 ``(P.S., I am gay.)''  But he <does> come up with a touching concluding

 Ms. Krabappel sits glumly in her apartment.  Bart slips a note under her
 door and scoots away.  ``Dearest Edna, I must leave you.  Why I cannot
 say.  Where I am going you cannot know.  How I will get there I haven't
 decided yet.  But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind
 blow it will whisper the name... Edna.  And so let us part with a love that
 will echo through the ages. -- Woodrow.''

 Ms. Krabappel hums cheerfully to herself and looks out the window of the
 classroom as Bart scrubs the floor with a toothbrush.  ``It's such a nice
 day today, let's have detention outside.''  ``It's a date.''  Bart offers
 his arm, Ms. Krabappel takes it, and they walk into the sunshine.

 Pan over to the photo mounted on Ms. Krabappel's desk, as Gordie Howe's
 stats are overlaid.

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:15]
   Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
   in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
   remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
   the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the

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