Simpsons Tall Tales                  Written by (Pt. 1) John Frink & Don Payne
                                                         (Pt. 2) Bob Bendetson
                                                           (Pt. 3) Matt Selman
                                                      Directed by Bob Anderson
==============================================================================
Production code: CABF17                   Original Airdate on FOX: 20-May-2001
Capsule revision Aa (4-Nov-03)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   [From the Episode Guide] A rail-riding hobo tells the tales of American
   legends, leading to Homer imagine himself as Paul Bunyan, Lisa as Connie
   Appleseed versus the wagon train pioneers, and Bart and Nelson as Tom
   Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn in a rafting adventure on the Mississip'.

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     I SHOULD NOT BE TWENTY-ONE BY NOW

                I SHOULD NOT BE TWENTY-O           at cutoff

Couch:          The family's couch is now the Evergreen Terrace subway stop.
                (We know this because of the big "Evergreen Terrace" sign,
                made out of tile, behind the couch.)  A subway car comes and
                picks the family up, leaving behind the empty couch.
                [Recycled from BABF11]

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... the "G-7" [Homer's sector, backward] sign at the airport?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Connie Appleseed wears shoes?  (The real Johnny Appleseed walked
       barefoot, and even had a "nature" reason for it)
   ... Lisa didn't point out to the hobo that there were no buffalo in the USA
       -- what were killed were bison?
   ... the Quimby character on the riverboat hid four aces along with his
       derringer?
   ... there was a "28 IF" sign at the Delaware train depot?

Tony Hill:
   ... Homer prefers buffalo testicles to apples?

Darrel Jones:
   ... unlike many frontiersmen, the Buffalokills seem to be trying to use all
       of the buffaloes they shoot?
   ... the Mark Twain segment happens between 1850 and 1853, when Millard
       Fillmore was President of the US?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the Happy Little Elf in the stuffed animals pile?

Alee Molino:
   ... Maggie's missing again, throughout the whole of Act I and III?  She
       does show up during the "Connie Appleseed" segment.
   ... the corpse in Fat Tony's carry-on bag?  And despite the fact that it's
       the size of a body, they're letting him bring it on instead of checking
       it in?  (I know.  It's a cartoon.)
   ... Homer and Marge didn't help Bart and Lisa onto the train before getting
       on the train themselves?
   ... Marge and Lisa both wear cardigans, while Homer and Bart have matching
       blue windbreakers?  That's surprisingly adorable that they match.
   ... Paul Bunyan's father looks like Abe's father in the "old country" (in
       the story that Abe tells which culminates with the family moving into
       the Statue of Liberty and filling up the head with trash)?
   ... if we assume a house crushed with every big smashing sound, Paul
       crushes ten cabins on his way to breakfast?
   ... Laura Ingalls Wilder was a contemporary of Paul Bunyan?
   ... when Paul wakes up after being dragged out of town, his boot laces are
       untied?  (I almost expected them to be tied together.)
   ... when he fell down unconscious, Paul destroyed the rest of the church
       that he already broke the spire off from?
   ... for a "giant doofus," he sure did a good job of carving an ox?  With a
       tool as rough as an axe, no less.
   ... Paul smashes a deer out of the way in Death Valley?
   ... Babe has the capability to hold a beer stein in its hoof?  (Maybe Paul
       carved it some thumbs.)
   ... Paul's breath is apparently unobjectionable, as he breathes to make the
       swing go and his girlfriend doesn't complain?
   ... there is a Bongo-like rabbit doll and a Happy Little Elf in the
       collection of stuffed animals that is dropped on Paul's girlfriend?
       Also, a dinosaur and a panda bear, which may not have been discovered
       by this point in the United States.  (I still know it's a cartoon ...)
   ... Mrs. Krabappel is dressed like a saloon barmaid?
   ... when Homer is rejoicing over being "Mr. Popular," Marge ducks and
       hurries out of the way?  It's after she does this that he starts
       dancing and kicking his boots.
   ... Homer gave the hobo a hairstyling during the commercial break?  The
       hobo messes it back up again while kissing himself during the "Tin-Can
       Tilly" story.
   ... the fire burned out, too.
   ... the settlers were able to make a perfect slice right through the middle
       of the buffalo?
   ... the Hibberts' teenage son makes an appearance?
   ... the southern version of Lisa's voice has greatly improved since [8F18],
       "A Streetcar Named Marge"?
   ... the hanging on the front of the pulpit resembles the hanging at
       Reverend Lovejoy's church in modern Springfield?
   ... Eddie is bald when he takes his hat off?
   ... in the "Tom Sawyer" segment, Mrs. Krabappel is wearing the same red
       saloon girl dress that she wore in the "Paul Bunyan" segment?  Tawdrier
       makeup this time, though.
   ... the Simpsons DID end up in Delaware, and they are going to Wilmington,
       as Lisa wanted?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... the body in Fat Tony's duffel bag?
   ... Homer/Paul doesn't appear to have been dragged very far from the city?
   ... two original songs, "Nothing Beats the Hobo Life," and "A King-Sized
       Woodsman," are listed in the credits?  The music is credited to Alf
       Clausen, and lyrics are credited to John Frink and Dan Payne.

Vince Yim:
   ... Maggie doesn't go on vacation with the Simpsons?
   ... Nelson as Huck Finn gestures "five" ("I'd like five") using two hands?
   ... When Homer-Bunyan tears open the exhibit of stuffed animals and showers
       Marge with stuffed animals, one of them is a Binky Rabbit?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Abe, Barney, Willie, Quimby, Moleman, Krusty,
        Man [?], Silas)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Moe, Carl, Frink, Wiggum, Hobo  {jlm})
   - Harry Shearer (Lenny, Skinner, Lovejoy, Hibbert)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)
   - Frank Welker (Various Critters)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Airline Ticket Agent, Mrs. Bunyan)
   - Karl Wiedergott (Extra Guy)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Paul Bunyan" (American folk tale)  {am}
      - hobo's first story a spoof  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   + Laura Ingalls Wilder (author of "Little House on the Prairie")
      - Carl mentions running the famous author out of town

   - rohypnol ("date rape" drug)  {dg}
      - Moe plans to take a knockout drug to a party

   + "Rodan" (movie)
      - Paul Bunyan fought this monster, according to the hobo

   + buffalo hunting in the 1800s  {jc}
      - main plot of Connie Appleseed story

   + lunar landing  {am}
      - Lisa's comment that "We have ladders that can put a man on the roof
        ..." which is similar to the modern lament, "We can put a man on the
        moon, but ..."

   + Johnny Appleseed (legend)  {bjr}
      - "Connie Appleseed" based on this quasi-legendary figure

   - "Johnny Appleseed" (Disney cartoon)  {th}
      - the wagon caravan in the Connie Appleseed sketch seemed to be inspired
        by this cartoon, which was part of a larger film, if I recall
        correctly [Ryan Mead writes, "That would be 'Melody Time'" -- Ed.]

   - "Bonanza" (TV series)  {bjr}
      - cut to wagon train accomplished by "burning" a hole in the middle of
        the screen outward, like the title credits of the series

   ~ "The Empire Strikes Back" (movie)  {vy}
      - Homer sleeping inside the skin of a buffalo reminiscent of scene where
        Han Solo slices open an alien beast and stuffs Luke Skywalker in it

   + huevos rancheros  {ah}
      - Homer wants huevos buffaleros for breakfast

   + Donner Party
      - Simpson/Bufflkill wagon train stranded and resorts to starvation, like
        this real-life group of settlers

   + "Tom Sawyer"  {bjr}

   + "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" (novels)  {bjr}
      - third act draws from these classic American books

   + Splash Mountain (amusement park ride)  {bjr}
      - Nelson/Huck and Bart/Tom depart finish their raft ride on a platform
        similar to the ones at this attraction  [See "Comments" section for
        more -- Ed.]

   + Bed, Bath, and Beyond (home-accessories stores)  {bjr}
      - Bart and Nelson visit "Pone, Pelts, and Beyond"

   - Paul McCartney death rumors
      - sign at rail yard reads, "20 IF" the way license plate on "Abbey Road"
        cover reads "28 IF"  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [8F18] ("That story had/this play has everything")  {ddg}
- [9F04] huge Homer-looking character wants normal-sized Marge-looking
         character  {jc}
- [9F04] Homer is depicted as a giant who eats people  {jg2}
- [1F06] Unappetizing sponge baths for an old man  {dj}
- [1F19] Bart's Tom Sawyer outfit is the same as when he imagined himself as
         Tom Sawyer in this episode.  {am}
- [2F06] Missourah is mentioned  {jc}
- [2F11] Town imperiled by comet (cf. meteor in tonight's show)  {bjr}
- [2F14], [BABF01] Someone assumed to be dead is poked with a stick  {am}
- [2F15] Lisa is the bride-to-be at a wedding  {bjr}
- [3F11] A character talks about damaged merchandise from a large department
         store (in this episode, damaged merchandise from J.C. Penney, in
         [3F11], burnt clothing from Sears)  {am}
- [3F16] A hobo with special talents is seen  {dj}
- [4F01] Lisa and Nelson fall in love  {jg2}
- [4F03] a middle of a map of the settler-era United States is burnt out  {am}
- [AABF04] large-scale, ineffectual gun battle  {jc}
- [AABF19] Marge is compared to a Q-Tip  {am}
- [AABF20] Rodan appears  {jg2}
- [AABF21] Johnny Appleseed is spoofed  {jc}
- [BABF11] Homer eats animal testicles  {am}
- [BABF16] "All for Silas!  All for Silas!" (cf. Homer in BABF16)  {km}
- [BABF19] "Going to Delaware" dialogue replicated word-for-word
- [BABF21] scene from this episode used for still picture of Kang and Kodos
         are in the closing credits  {ddg}
- [CABF09] Homer uses "hungee" for the word "hungry."  {am}
- [CABF13] Lisa tries pointing out obvious errors, but is rebuffed  {bfg}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Sign at the ticket counter  {am}

    +-----------------------------+
    |             AIR             |
    |           DELAWARE          |
    |              _              |
    |       ----\ | |  /----      |
    |        \--- | \  ---/       | <== Er.  That's roughly supposed to
    |         \__ |  | __/        |     be the shape of the state of 
    |             |_/             |     Delaware, in solid blue, with
    |                             |     white wings on it.  "Air Delaware"
    +-----------------------------+     is in a red, tilted font.

- Door sign in background, as the Simpsons get their tickets  {am}

    +-----+
    | G-7 |
    +-----+

- On the side of the Simpsons' train car  {am}

    UNION PACIFIC

    UNION
    PACIFIC        <== (on two lines instead of one)

- On frying-pan greasing duty ("Paul Bunyan" segment)  {am}
   - Barney
   - Lenny
   - Carl
   - Willie?  (he was swallowed before this session)

- Landmarks that got their name thanks to Paul and Babe  {am}
   - Great Smoky Mountains
   - Death Valley
   - Big Holes With Beer National Park

- Museum sign in the "Paul Bunyan" segment  {am}

    +------------------------------+
    |          MUSEUM OF           |
    |       STUFFED ANIMALS        |
    +------------------------------+

- Signs at state line  {bjr}

    NOW LEAVING      NOW ENTERING
     MISSOURI          MISSOURA

    [Note to non-U.S. types:  "Missouri" is sometimes pronounced as
     though it were spelled "Missoura" (or "Mizzurah").]

- Supply store sign in the "Tom Sawyer" segment  {am}

    +--------------------------+
    |       PONE, PELTS        |
    |                          |
    |       AND BEYOND         |
    +--------------------------+

- The chase parties  {am}

    Boat 1:
      Eddie
      Chief Wiggum
      Homer (as the Judge)
      Lou (rowing)

    Boat 2:
      Lenny
      Willie
      Ned (rowing)
      There's a fourth person in this dark with black hair, whose face
      can't be seen.  It might be Lenny.

- Wanted signs  {bjr}

         WANTED               WANTED

        [Nelson]          [    Bart     ]
                          ["Moonshining"]
          FOR                   FOR
    MARRIAGE DODGING        MOONSHINING

- Church sign  {bjr}

    SAWYER-FINN
      FUNERAL

- On a pole in the train yard in Delaware  {am}

    +-------+
    | 20-IF |    <== higher on the pole
    +-------+

    +---------+
    |  TRACK  |
    |    3    |
    +---------+

- Still pictures during the credits  {am}
   - Baby Paul Bunyan holds up a cow.
   - Moe, in the "Paul Bunyan" segment, holds up a huge tranquilizer pill.
   - The buffalo laugh (at Connie Appleseed, who is not in the picture)
   - Homer Simpson sponge-bathes the hobo
   - Babe kicks Paul Bunyan in the crotch (not seen during the show)
   - Kang and Kodos (DEFINITELY not seen during the show)
   - The pig groom from the "Tom Sawyer" segment
   - Huck and Tom's smiling corpses in the church rafters

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
*  Actually, Bart would be 24 instead of 21.  [See "Comments" section for more
   -- Ed.]  {jk}

+  BABF16 "Kill the Alligator and Run" established that OFF was exiled from
   Delaware, and yet they won a trip there.  {jc}

-  The Simpsons wait at the "Air Delaware" counter, but their tickets (or
   their ticket envelope) have "Springfield Air" printed on them.  {am}

*  The hobo doesn't quite get the Paul Bunyan legend right; for example, Paul
   Bunyan was found, not born of normal-sized parents.  [See "Comments"
   section for more, though -- Ed.]  {ddg}

*  The Simpsons and the hobo are burning a campfire directly on the floor of
   the train car, which looks like it's made out of planks?  {am}

=  The amount of the campfire wood left on the floor of the car changes in
   different scenes.  {am}

*  There were never any buffaloes in North America.  Those were bison.  {th}

=  You can see that there's only half a buffalo on the spit, but you can also
   see the entire rod that it rotates on.  How is it being held on the spit?

*  As the train crossed the Mississippi River, there was a waterfall just
   below the bridge.  The only waterfall on the Mississippi is in Minneapolis,
   and there is no longer a bridge that close to the falls. (Plus there was no
   city in the scene, duh.)  {th}

*  Why would Homer's father have mandated the shotgun wedding?  {th}

=  When Marge runs away from the shotgun wedding, she appears to have no feet
   at the beginning?  This kind of looks computer-generated, as did the
   shooting star in the Paul Bunyan segment.  {am}

*  Tom was the one with the thing for Becky ... so why was Huck marrying her?
   [Because then we'd see Bart marrying his sister? -- Ed.]  {mb}

*  The photographer for the rapids in "Tom Sawyer" merely hangs up the photo
   of Huck and Tom on the raft rather than offering to sell it to the boys,
   defeating the purpose of having a souvenir stand.  {am}

*  Derringers can only hold one or two rounds.  {jc}

*  No one was taken away or arrested by the train worker checking the cars in
   Delaware?  This did not look like a passenger train (Union Pacific).

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Don Del Grande:  Okay, maybe I do like these "anthology" episodes better than
   the others, mainly because they can cram three complete stories (plus the
   links, but those weren't quite as interesting) into one show.  (A-)

Joe Green:  This show had a couple of funny moments, but ultimately fell flat
   for me.  In particular, I thought having Bart and Nelson die in the Tom
   Sawyer segment was *way* too dark for OFF.  I hope Season 13 will consist
   of better efforts than this.  (C)

Tony Hill:  This was a rip-roaring good episode of the kind we haven't seen
   enough of lately.  Altogether I'd say the Paul Bunyan vignette was the
   best.  Lisa's criticism of the story makes me think she'd be at home in
   this group.  The flume ride gag was priceless.  I think Tall Tales gets the
   first A of the season!  (A)

Darrel Jones:  Fine, not great, but worthwhile conclusion to Season Twelve.
   Coulda done more with the Connie Appleseed concept, but nothing horribly
   wrong.  Many excellent one-off gags (the "beer-lake" park, the buffalo
   testicles, the gun-within-a-gun) give this ep a 8/10  (B+)

Alee Molino:  I can't help thinking that this is very Treehouse Of
   Horror-like, but we've had other triads before- Simpsons Bible Stories and
   Trilogy of Error, for example.  This wasn't badly done, although the
   adaptation of the stories leaves a little to be desired.  On one hand, the
   writers did change the stories just enough for them to have a Simpsons
   flair.  On the other hand, they weren't changed quite enough to be very,
   very wacky and funny, which I think possibly could have worked out for the
   better.  And the naked hobo?  Eeeuuuuw.  Makes my flesh crawl.  (B)

Michael Nusair:  I have to say it, when I first heard the premise of this
   episode, I thought it was going to suck.  I would call "Simpsons Bible
   Stories" one of the worst episodes ever, so you could see why I would be
   less than enthused about CABF17.  However, I was pleasantly surprised by
   this episode.  All three stories were very entertaining and pretty funny.
   The stuff in between stories were also pretty good (although the
   sponge-bath jokes were slightly disgusting).  Overall, I'd say that this
   episode was a good way to cap off a decent season.  (B+)

Mike Reed:  An awesome season comes to an average end.  "Simpsons Tall Tales"
   was an uneven effort, at its best, putting on hilarious gags like the 99
   cent store, and at its worst, serving up immature jokes about buffalo
   testicles and sponge-bathing hobos.  But, as this is the last episode in
   Mike Scully's last season, I'll give him credit that he's done much worse
   than this one.  (C+)

Robin Steinmann:  After an annoying "Simpsons on travel" start, the episode
   improved to an acceptable anthology show.  With my favourite bit being
   "Paul Bunyan" and my least favourite being "Connie Appleseed" all three
   segment were still enjoyable though not great.  They ruined the Mark Twain
   story by trying to mention to many chapter, and the Connie Appleseed bit by
   being too preachy and too short to be really memorable.  Still, no big
   non-structural mistakes.  All in all a  (B-)

Yours Truly:  This show is reminiscent of the old "Treehouse of Horror"
   series, with its framing story, its one-tale-per-act structure, and its
   surprisingly dark undercurrents.  The show opens with a jaw-droppingly
   perfect reference to last season's finale, and the hobo is a fine narrator.
   Physical humor dominates the Paul Bunyan story, but it's clever humor.
   (The scene where Homer meets Marge is great.)  The Johnny/Connie Appleseed
   parody has an interesting "save the buffalo" message, but could have
   focused more on its main character.  The Tom Sawyer spoof paced its complex
   storyline well.  The theme park photo gag and bar fight were highlights,
   along with the old-timey language.  This episode brings the twelfth season
   to a satisfying close -- and that's not just a tall tale.  (B+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B+ (3.20)   Std Dev.: 0.6523   (11 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Meta-reference corner

Joe Green:  Bart's blackboard punishment ("I should not be twenty-one by now")
   refers to the fact that he hasn't aged since the show premiered.


Benjamin Robinson adds:  Of course, if the characters aged in real time, the
   show would be off the air right now -- a good argument for *not* aging
   them, I think.


Vince Yim adds:  Actually, in chronological years, Bart should actually be 23
   or 24. Since Bart has always been 10 years old (although not established
   until the regular season), one can assume that he was 10 years old during
   the Tracey Ullman years.  Hence, Bart was 10 years old in 1987, making him
   23 or 24 today [in 2001] (depending on what time of the year his birthday
   is in). But, not counting the Tracy Ullman years, when the Simpsons debuted
   as a series in 1989, adding up the years, he would be at least 21, if not
   22.


Ben Robinson:  Lisa points out inconsistencies in the hobo's Paul Bunyan
   stories. This was probably a reference to the fact that tall tales vary
   from teller to teller, but it could be interpreted to mean continuity goofs
   on "The Simpsons" itself.


Someone known only as "Woozywink":  This year during the quick previews they
   keep showing scenes that aren't actually in the show because they were cut
   for time.  [Actually, that's been happening almost since the show started -
   - Ed.]  They showed a clip of Babe kicking Homer in the nuts in the preview
   but not in the show.  Then in the credits they showed it to make viewers
   think "was that not in the show?" and then show a clip of Kodos and Kang to
   make them say "well, that DEFINETLY wasn't in the show."


>> Musical References

Tony Hill:  "Ol' Man River" was written by Oscar Hammerstein II and Jerome
   Kern for "Show Boat."


Joe Klemm:  "Love is a Many-Splendored Thing" [plays] when Homer Bunyan runs
   toward Marge.


>> Those never-ending threads

 - Where is Springfield?

Tony Hill says:  Looks to be west of the Mississippi River tonight.


Don Del Grande adds:  Assuming the hobo was right that it was the Mississippi
   they were crossing.


Darrel Jones:  [OFF's home state is] definitely not Delaware.  And since OFF's
   train had to cross the Mississippi River to get there, it must be west of
   there for this episode.  States west of the Mississippi are Alaska (though
   the train would have to go through Canada to get there), Arkansas,
   California, Colorado, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Minnesota, Missouri,
   Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon,
   South Dakota, Texas, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming.  (Hawaii isn't possible
   because it's not accessible from the rest of the US via train.) Completists
   note: parts of Louisiana and Minnesota are east of the Mississippi, so
   Springfield couldn't be near, say, New Orleans or Duluth.


Benjamin Robinson:  Foreigners note -- Delaware is on the central Eastern
   Shore of the United States.


>> Union-Pacific:  The choice of hobos everywhere

Don Del Grande:  The show used Union Pacific boxcars; this show premiered just
   after Union Pacific threatened to sue Microsoft if any of its logos, or the
   logos of the companies it owns, appears in "Microsoft Train Simulator" out
   of fear that someone will use the software, think "it's not so hard to
   operate a train", and hop aboard a real Union Pacific train in an attempt
   to drive it.  I wonder how UP will feel about their boxcars appearing on
   the show ...

   (Hey, everybody, let's hop aboard a Union Pacific train just because we saw
   the Simpsons do it!)


>> Paul Bunyan

Alee Molino:  [The hobo's version was] accurate enough, I suppose.  Paul
   Bunyan was indeed supposed to be a large woodsman who was accompanied by a
   big blue ox named Babe.  The whole "greasing the pan so we can make
   gigantic flapjacks" thing is actually part of the original story, although,
   as I remember it, the men skated around with big slices of bacon strapped
   to their boots instead of butter.  I don't happen to recall attempts on
   Paul's life being a part of it ...


>> People from our past

Benjamin Robinson:  Laura Ingalls Wilder -- A girl who grew up to write
   "Little House on the Prairie," which was about pioneer life on the Great
   Plains.  The books later became a TV series, in which Wilder was one of the
   characters.  Ms. Wilder was a well-behaved and likable little girl, which
   is why the image of her being dragged out of town is so funny.

   Millard Filmore -- The thirteenth President of the United States, 1850 to
   1854.  Most historians don't consider him remarkably good or bad.


>> Buffalo:  The other red meat

An anonymous poster wrote:  Buffalo meat is actually pretty tasty, much more
   tender and leaner than most cow beef.  Dunno about the testicles though.


Aaron Hirshberg:  Buffalo testicles grow on trees!  They are a fruit!  They
   can be either green or red!


Shi Bao Nai:  I've had buffalo served in many different ways.  While it is
   leaner than most beef, I don't know that I'd prefer it given the choice.
   (Most of the time I've had it was cheaper and more abundant than beef,
   which is strangely enough the case in a few isolated spots in the West.)

   I think the buffalo tacos were perhaps the best of the bunch, though.  :)


Dwayne Conyers:  There is a restaurant/pub in Delaware that has Buffalo
   burgers.


Carnell Greer:  I've had buffalo wings!


>> If only they had the Internet back then ...

Alee Molino:  On some amusement park roller coasters and thrill rides, there
   are cameras that take pictures of the riders as they go down particularly
   difficult areas of the ride like long drops.  You can end up with a funny
   souvenir, or you can ruin the picture for the rest of the group by doing
   something strange during the shot.  Some women flash the camera.  The most
   famous example of these incidents are those involving the Disney parks'
   "Splash Mountain" ride.

   Usually, one of the staff will remove the pictures before they are
   displayed, and riders who did want a picture are allowed to re-enter the
   line for the ride ahead of other riders in order to make a second attempt.


Fox Wolf:  In the third act, at the flume rude, one of the pictures was of a
   woman showing her "privates" (or ankle, if you prefer).  Apparently, on
   Disneyworld's Splash Mountain, women have been known to show their
   "privates" (or breasts, if you prefer).


John Jensen adds:  Apparently it happens more often than they are able to get
   the pictures smuggled out.

   Since they are digital pics, the operators can just hit a delete key before
   it ever gets shown on the big display.

   I live close to an amusement park here (www.hersheypark.com) and they have
   a camera at the end of nearly every ride.  One that always gets you by
   surprise though is the Great Bear.  TRULY reaction shots.

   The log flume ride though is fun to pose for.  That's the best part of that
   ride, seeing the photos at the end (but never EVER buying them).  $7 for a
   5x7?  get real.

   Favorite group poses I have done

   --3 monkeys: see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

   --everyone in the car slumped over like we were dead.


Speaking of amusement park rides, Benjamin Robinson notes one other
   similarity:  As the boys get off the raft, you can hear a recorded voice in
   the background saying, "Keep your hands and arms inside the car until it
   has come to a complete stop."  Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes
   in a theme park probably knows the drill.


>> Increase your word power

Alee Molino looked it up:  From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary

   pone (noun) -- [modification of Virginia Algonquin appone] First appeared
   1634 : Southern & Midland : CORN PONE

   corn pone (noun) -- First appeared 1859 : Southern & Midland : corn bread
   often made without milk or eggs and baked or fried


>> Paul is dead?

Alee Molino points out a subtle reference:  In the background at the Delaware
   train station, you can briefly see a sign that says "20 IF."  I can't think
   of a really good reason for this to be there, but it may be a play on one
   of the pieces of "evidence" that was used to support the idea that Paul
   McCartney had died.  According to rumor, the Beatles were giving their fans
   clues about this by hiding messages in album covers.

   On the "Abbey Road" album cover, there is a Volkswagen in the background
   and its license plate reads "28 IF."  Some people interpreted this as
   meaning that this was "Paul's age, IF he had lived."  According to Jim
   Kendall, Robert Pietkivitch and other writers at
   http://rmb.simplenet.com/public/files/faqs/pid.html, "Actually, he'd be 27
   at the time of the cover, but this is covered by pointing out that in many
   Indian religions, one is considered 1 year old at the date of birth, and so
   he would in fact have been "28 IF")."


Zan Hecht writes:  The sign in the rail yard that said "20 IF" is a reference
   to the fact that Bart would be 21 by now, but is 1 year off, just like the
   Beatles cover.


>> Coming attractions

Mike Reed faithfully transcribes:

   Voice-Over: This Sunday, it's a 90-minute "Simpsons" marathon!
   (Bart sees Homer on the doghouse)
   Bart: Good grief.  *
   Voice-Over: Ending with the Simpsons' tall tales season finale!
   (Homer-Bunyan scarfs down the giant flapjack)
   Moe: Where's Lenny?
   (Lenny is in Homer's stomach, with Groundskeeper Willie) Willie: I think I
   found a way out.  It's not pretty, but it'll do.

   * scene from [CABF09] "Hungry, Hungry Homer"

   [Matt Garvey notes that the three episodes from the marathon were
   "Treehouse of Horror XI (BABF21)," "Hungry Hungry Homer (CABF09)," and
   "Simpsons Tall Tales" itself -- Ed.]


>> On the cutting-room floor

T. P. Liang submits this cut scene:

   Homer: I can't believe I'm finally going to see the smallest state!
   Marge: That's Rhode Island.
   Homer: I know!  You can see it from the plane.


He continues with:  The bull kicking homer in the testicles was cut.


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

Aaron Hirshberg:  Do you realize that Sunday's episode means that New York
   City can now be referred to as the "Big Buffalo Testicle"?


Jim Dyer:  That would make Capital City "The Windy Buffalo Testicle."


According to Fox (by way of Bill LaRue), this episode scored a Nielsen rating
   of 7.6 (13 share).  This works out to 13.4 million viewers.  Among adults
   aged 18 to 49, the rating was 6.9 (20 share).

   Mike Scully's final season as executive producer ends on a positive note,
   ratings-wise.  The show was up 6 percent in total viewers (7% for adults
   between 18 and 49, and 8% for the 18-to-34 crowd).  Fox notes that the show
   was the highest-rated program on Sunday for adults aged 18 to 34, and men
   in that same age group.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% [Note:  To keep confusion to a minimum, the characters' lines will
% be attributed to their usual names, even when they are acting as
% stand-ins for people in the tall tales.  That is, Homer's lines will
% always be attributed to "Homer," even when he's being Paul Bunyan --
% Ed.]
%
% The family is at the Air Delaware ticket counter, ready to embark on
% one of their adventures.

Marge:	I can't believe it!  We won another contest!
Homer:	The Simpsons are going to Delaware!
Lisa:	I want to see Wilmington!
Bart:	I want to visit a screen door factory!
-- I want to experience déjà vu, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Homer notices something amiss with the tickets -- there's a $5
% airport tax.  "Waive it," Homer says, shaking his fist at the
% airline check-in clerk.
%
% Cut to the family running to hop onto a freight train.  "Stupid
% anti-fist-shaking laws," Homer grumbles before jumping into a
% boxcar.

Homer:	The Simpsons are riding the rails!
	[Bart notices a man lying on the floor of the boxcar]
Bart:	Cool; dead hobo!  [pokes him with a stick.  The hobo wakes 
	up, and the family screams]
Hobo:	Morning, folks.
Homer:	W-What are you going to do to us?
Hobo:	Don't worry, I'm not a stabbing hobo, I'm a singing hobo.
OFF:	[sighs with relief]
Hobo:	[picks up a banjo and sings]
	Nothin' beats the hobo life!
	Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife!
	I gouge them with --
Marge:	[interrupting] Um, excuse me, Hobo.  Could you play 
	something a little less unnerving?
Hobo:	[laughs] Ah, sure.  I, I was just having a little fun with 
	you "no-bos."  Here's ballad that will set fire to your 
	trash can.
-- Do hobos take requests?  "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The hobo sings an introduction to a classic tall tale.

Wont'cha listen to my tale that's ten stories tall,
'Bout a king-sized woodsman, name a' Bunyan comma Paul?
-- Hobo, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% A back-country doctor congratulates Abe on his new son, a strapping
% young lad who is nearly the size of a log canyon.  Abe rushes to his
% wife's side and asks if she is okay.  Exhausted, she asks only for
% some whiskey.
%
% "Born mighty big, he continued to expand, thanks to a hopped-up
% pituitary gland," the hobo sings.  Homer, as young Paul Bunyan,
% tries to play as boys normally do, but childhood activities doesn't
% always scale well.  To make a snowball, he tears off the top of a
% mountain and throws it at his boyhood chum, burying the poor fellow.
%
% "His body grew big, but his brain stayed small.  He was tree-
% choppin', branch-stompin', house-crushin' Paul," the hobo sings with
% a flourish.  As a full-grown man, Homer has found work in a lumber
% camp.  He is an efficient lumberjack, leveling a forest as easily as
% you or me might mow the lawn.  Moe, the camp cook, prepares Homer's
% flapjack breakfast.  It's a feat of engineering.  Two men grease an
% enormous pan by strapping large blocks of butter to their feet, and
% skating across its surface.  When the swimming-pool sized flapjacks
% are ready, Moe calls Homer to breakfast.  Homer runs to camp,
% leaving a trail of crushed log cabins.  He eats the giant flapjacks
% in one gulp.

Moe:	All right, let's get started on lunch.  And, uh ... wait, 
	where's Lenny?
	[cut to inside Homer's stomach.  Lenny is standing waist-
	deep in fluid]
Lenny:	Hello?  Can anybody hear me?
	[Willie surfaces from somewhere below]
Willie:	I think I found a way out.  It's not pretty, but it'll do.  
	[both men dive]
-- I *don't* want to know, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The townspeople have had enough, and convene a meeting.

Moe:	We gotta do something about Bunyan.  We're going bankrupt 
	just feeding and clothing the guy.  Not to mention the 
	crushings.
	[the crowd murmurs in agreement]
Carl:	Hey!  I say we get him drunk, and drag him out of town -- 
	same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
	[the crowd murmurs its assent]
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% So, the townsfolk offer Homer a wagonload of beer.  Homer's
% appreciative, calling the town the "greatest friends a giant doofus
% can have."  He drinks it down, and passes out.  Skinner is amazed it
% took only one beer to take Homer down (albeit a beer the size of a
% Conestoga), and Moe admits to spiking the beer with several giant
% knockout pills.
%
% The morning after, Homer wakes up outside of town.  (Not that far
% outside -- you can only drag a man Homer's size so far.)  He takes
% the hint and sadly leaves.
%
% The hobo's song picks up the narrative.

Paul was just as lonely as a man could get,
So he took out his axe and he carved himself a pet.
-- Hobo, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% And that's exactly what Homer does, cutting a block of stone from a
% nearby mountain, and skillfully carving it into the shape of an ox. 
% Wishing that he had a real pet, Homer falls asleep against the ox. 
% That night, a weird aurora fills the sky.  A spark jumps from lights
% to the ox statue, bringing it to life.  Homer calls his new blue
% friend "Babe."  During their travels around the country, they create
% several new landmarks.  Smoke from their brandy-and-cigar party
% creates the Great Smoky Mountains.  After Homer and Babe lay waste
% to a valley, it becomes known as Death Valley.  Finally, they dance
% around with mugs of beer.  The beer sloshes from their mugs, filling
% the holes created from their footsteps and creating Big Holes with
% Beer National Park.  (Mmmm ... beer holes.)
%
% Their adventures culminate with a fight between Homer and Rodan.  We
% cut back to the railcar.

Lisa:	Excuse me, Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.  And his size 
	is really inconsistent.  I mean, one minute he's ten feet 
	tall, and the next his feet are as big as a lake.
Hobo:	Hey, hey, hey -- who's the hobo here?
Lisa:	I'm just saying.
-- Lisa, the CBG of tall tales, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The story continues as the hobo sings, "Now Paul and Babe were a
% mighty fine match, But the man had an itch than an ox couldn't
% scratch."  Homer is riding Babe, and sees Marge plowing a field in
% the distance.  Marge spots Homer, and she's impressed with what she
% sees.  Smitten, Homer runs toward Marge.  As he gets closer, Marge
% realizes Homer's not a six-foot man standing at the edge of the
% field, but a sixty-foot man standing a quarter-mile away.  She
% starts to flee, but Homer catches her and is able to assure her that
% he won't smoosh her.
%
% He uses Marge's brushy hair for a cotton swab, as a prelude to
% sprucing up for a date.  On the date itself, Homer suspends a swing
% from his forefinger.  He blows gently on Marge to push her to and
% fro on the swing.  He opens up the museum of stuffed animals to
% shower Marge with teddy bears (and a surprised guard).  Finally,
% Homer twists a hoop from a barrel, shines it up, and offers it to
% Marge as a ring.  It's far too big for her hand, of course, but it
% does loop nicely around her waist.
%
% This relationship, like all others, has its own unique challenges.

Homer:	We've been together a long time, now.  When are we gonna 
	... you know?
Marge:	Soon.  I just need a few more yoga classes.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Marge notices a shooting star in the night sky.  The nearby
% townspeople see it, too.

Frink:		Hoy!  That meteor's heading straight for us, with 
		the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain!  
		Pain in the glaven!
Lovejoy:	God has sent us this fiery kill-rock to show us his 
		love.
		[the crowd begins to panic]
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% There's only one man who can save the town -- Homer.

Homer:	Oh, I get it.  When I'm crushing and killing you, you 
	don't like me.  But when can save your life, suddenly I'm 
	Mr. Popular.
Lenny:	Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Homer:	Woo hoo!  I'm Mr. Popular!
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The plan is for Homer to bat the meteor away, like a baseball, with
% a bat made out of a giant log.

C'mon, right across the plate!  Let's see what you got, huh!  This 
one's for the little crippled boy ... that I crippled.
-- Homer Simpson (as Paul Bunyan), "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% As Homer bends to get a good-luck kiss from Marge, the meteor lands
% right in his pants.  Homer manages to get the blazing rock out of
% his knickers, hot-potatoes it from one hand to the other for a few
% seconds, and hurls it far away.  It lands on a large city, setting
% it afire.  The crowd cheers.
%
% Back to the train.

Hobo:	And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.
Bart:	Boy, that story had everything:  A giant!  House-crushing!  
	A meteor!
Marge:	Townspeople!
Lisa:	Got any more tall tales?
Hobo:	Well, I suppose I could spin you up a few more yarns.  But 
	first, who wants to give me a sponge bath?  I'm filthy.
	[the Simpsons look at one another for a couple seconds]
Homer:	All right, but your next story better be worth it.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Homer gets a bucket and sponge, and reluctantly starts sponge-
% bathing the hobo.
%
% [End of Act One.  Time:  8:34]
%
% After the sponge bath, the hobo continues entertaining the family.

Hobo:	Okay, ready for another impression?  This is South Side 
	Gates tearing into Tin Can Tillie.
Homer:	Oh, this'll be good.
Hobo:	Who put the beans in my bindle?
	[imitating woman's voice] Oh, I am so tired of you saying 
	that you put beans in my bindle.  It just makes me so --
	[man's voice] Do you ever shut up?
	[woman's voice] Kiss me you fool.
	[hugs himself, making kissy noises, and rolls on the floor 
	toward the Simpsons]
-- Hobo masterpiece theatre, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Lisa asks if she can hear another tall tale.

Hobo:	All righty, here's a story just for you, little girl.  
	It's the tale of Johnny -- no, Connie Appleseed.
Lisa:	Ohh ... [flattered smile]
	[dissolve to Pioneer-era America]
Hobo:	Back around 1840, the great pie known as America was still 
	cooling on the windowsill, and everybody headed West for a 
	slice.
	[the Simpson family rides as part of a wagon train.  Homer 
	is holding a rifle on his lap]
Homer:	[singing happily] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, 
	safety off, safety off,
	Cleaning my gun with the -- [the gun fires, killing a 
	buffalo]  Whoopsie!  [laughs]
Lisa:	Dad!  You just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo.
Homer:	A poor *delicious* buffalo.  He'll be dinner for the whole 
	wagon train.  [shoots a second buffalo]
Lisa:	Why'd you kill another one?
Homer:	Dessert.
-- Why else?  "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The wagon train chows down that night to a big meal of tasty
% buffalo.  There's a bullet in Bart's meat, and he spits it
% offscreen.  We hear the sound of a buffalo getting hit and dying. 
% Lisa warns the people that if they continue to kill buffalo at this
% pace, they will wipe out the entire species.  Everyone laughs at
% this -- even the buffalo.
%
% Later, while walking among a field of buffalo carcasses, Lisa thinks
% over the situation.

Why is it that we have ladders that can put a man on the roof, but we 
can't find a renewable source of food?
-- Lisa Simpson (as Connie Appleseed), "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Lisa hears her name in the wind.  (Well, Connie does, anyway.)  It
% draws her to an apple tree standing alone on the prairie.  Looking
% up, Lisa is inspired -- instead of buffalo, the pioneers can base
% their diet on apples!  Excited, she gathers some and takes them to
% the wagon train party.  The camera pans past the tree so we can see
% that the mysterious voice is really coming Hans Moleman, who is
% trapped in some sort of mud or quicksand pit.  He slips beneath the
% surface.

Lisa:	Mom!  Dad!  Look what I found!
Homer:	Oh, boy!  Buffalo testicles!  [takes two apples and starts 
	eating them] Mmmm ...
Lisa:	No, Dad, they're apples.
Homer:	Wha?  [spits the half-chewed apples] Yuch!
Lisa:	Well, that's it.  I don't want anything to do with this 
	wagon train of death.  Either switch to apples, or go on 
	without me.  Hmph!  [closes her eyes.  There's some 
	commotion, and Lisa opens her eyes to see that the wagon 
	train has hastily left without her]
	You'll be sorry!  [throws an apple at the wagon train.  
	Offscreen, a buffalo is hit and dies]
	Oh ...
-- The buffalo's best friend, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The hobo says that Connie traveled across the nation, planting apple
% trees, and even changed her last name to "Appleseed."  A little
% Connie icon on an old map traces her route, showing apple trees
% popping up in her wake.  Meanwhile her family changes their surname
% to "Bufflekill."  The map shows their parallel route across the
% Great Plains, with little buffalo skulls in its wake.
%
% One morning on the wagon train path, Homer crawls out of his
% sleeping bag (made of buffalo hide).  He's hungry.

Homer:	[yawns] I haven't had buffalo in six hours.  Marge, how 
	about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros, 
	and some fresh-squeezed buffalo J.
Marge:	The buffalo are gone.  I think you shot them all.
	[the camera pans across the site of a great buffalo 
	slaughter, nothing but bones and skin remains]
Homer:	Oh, Connie was right!  We wiped out the entire species!  
	What have I done?  What have I done?
Bart:	Calm down, Pa.  There's two left.  [points]
Homer:	[shoots them both, then throws down his rifle]
	What have I done?  What have I done?
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% With no source of food and cold weather arriving, things look grim
% for the wagon train.

Hobo:		[narrating] With the buffalo gone, the starving 
		settlers were driven to cannibalism.
Moe:		You're the fattest, Bufflekill.  Okay, everybody, 
		dig in!  [the settlers, wielding forks, advance on 
		Homer]
Lisa:		Stop, everybody!  I've got apples!  Delicious, 
		nutritious apples!  And, there's enough for 
		everyone.
		[she drops a few, and they roll toward the setters.  
		They pick up a few and start eating]
Mel:		Sweet.  It's like a hootenanny in my mouth.
Lovejoy:	We're saved!
Flanders:	It's a miracle!
Carl:		Hooray for Connie Bufflekill!
Moe:		[peeking out from beneath Homer's buffalo robe] 
		What?  So now we're not eating Homer?
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Back to the modern-day train.

Hobo:	And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples 
	in everything that's good:  Apple wine, apple whiskey, 
	apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in 
	it, apple nail polish remover ...
Lisa:	Don't forget apple sauce.
Hobo:	Yeah ... I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
Homer:	Aw.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:35]
%
% The train crosses the Mississippi River.

Hobo:	Whoa, look out there, folks.  That's the mighty 
	Mississip'.
Homer:	Big deal.
Hobo:	Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags rafting down 
	the Big Muddy -- Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
Lisa:	That's not a tall tale, it's a book by Mark Twain.
Hobo:	Look, let's just do this thing.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The story begins with the classic scene of Tom and Huck whitewashing
% a fence.

Nelson:		Whitewashing sucks, Tom.  It powerful sucks.
		[Milhouse walks by, rolling a hoop]
Bart:		Morning, friend.  Want your turn at whitewashing?  
		It's powerful fun.
Milhouse:	Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer.
Nelson:		If I may?  [dunks Milhouse's head in the whitewash] 
		Now, get to work!
		[later, a row of boys -- all with whitewashed faces 
		-- paints the fence]
Bart:		[laughs] I still got it.
-- He's powerful persuasive, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Nelson walks on his hands along the top of the fence.

Lisa:	Now, Huckleberry Finn!  You get down from there.  A body 
	could break his neck.
Nelson:	I ain't afeard of that.  I'll just get a new neck, off'n a 
	cat.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Sure enough, Nelson falls and gives his bones an "awful rattlin',"
% as Lisa puts it.  As Lisa comforts him, the two start holding hands. 
% Homer catches them at it, and is powerful mad.  Nelson says that he
% was going to let go eventually, and Homer seems okay with it.  Just
% to play it safe, though ...
%
% Cut to the church.  Nelson and Lisa are at the altar, and Homer has
% a shotgun trained on Nelson.

Lovejoy:	We are gathered here today to force this man, 
		Huckleberry Finn, to holy matrimony.
Marge:		[to Homer] How romantic.  This reminds me of our 
		shotgun wedding.
		[we hear the sound of a shotgun cocking.  The camera 
		reveals that Abe is pointing a gun at Marge]
		Grandpa, we've been married for years.  When are you 
		going to put down that gun?
Abe:		Well, I reckon you're right.  [he lowers the gun, 
		and Marge immediately runs away]
		Hang it all!
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The ceremony begins.

Lovejoy:	Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife ...
		[suddenly, Huck squeals]
		Whoa!  [Lovejoy takes off Huck's hat, and sees that 
		it's really a pig in a tuxedo]
Abe:		Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig!
Homer:		No wonder he was pooping so much!
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Tom Sawyer and the real Huck laugh at the wedding party and run
% away.  The parishioners chase after them, leaving the pig behind to
% eat the wedding cake.  The boys make it to a raft and slowly make
% their getaway down the river.
%
% A little bit later, the boys make it across the state line, leaving
% Missouri and entering Missourah.  Their sense of relief doesn't last
% long.  Soon the raft takes a wild ride through the rapids and down a
% waterfall.  Afterwards, it lands at a dock.

Announcer:	Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a 
		complete stop.
		[the raft stops and the boys disembark.  The boys 
		walk past a wall of photographs that were taken of 
		other people riding the rapids]
Man:		Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates.
Silas:		Well, I'll dispose of this.  [takes the photo, then 
		tucks it into his jacket]
		[salaciously] All for Silas, all for Silas ...
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Bart and Nelson wake up the next morning.

Huck:	I'm considerable hungry.  We got any food left?
Bart:	[checks his sack] Hmm, looks like we're out of corn pone, 
	fatback, hard tack, fat pone, corn tack --
Huck:	Any tack back?
Bart:	Tack back?
Huck:	I mean, fat tack.
Bart:	Plumb out.
-- Pick some up at Mickey D's, then, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The boys stock up on provisions at a general store.

Apu:	[putting items on the counter] One jug of whiskey, three 
	plugs of tobaccy, and some extra-strength opium.  That 
	will be two cents, boys.  [the boys gasp in astonishment]
Bart:	[gasps]
Nelson:	Two cents?!
Apu:	If you think my prices are high, go across the street!  
	[indicates the 99-cent store, which sells luxury items 
	like grand pianos and crystal chandeliers]
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% The boys leave with their purchases as Apu says, "Thank you, come
% again."  Bart holds up a leaking bag and complains that Apu has put
% the lard pone on top of the fragile egg pone.  The boys soon have
% bigger problems.  Wanted posters are up for both of them -- Nelson
% for marriage-dodging and Bart for "moonshining" (the latter showing
% Bart in the act of mooning the viewer).  Even worse, a wedding posse
% has tracked them down.  The boys grab the "Wanted" signs, run to the
% river, and try to use them to paddle their raft to freedom.  They
% work furiously, but their pursuers are catching up.
%
% A riverboat passes by, and Bart gets an idea.  The posse rounds a
% bend in the river, but the boys aren't there.  "Dog my cats," Homer
% says, "they's dis-separated."  Not quite.  Bart and Nelson are
% really hanging from the balcony on the riverboat.  They float by
% within sight of the posse, but as long as nothing draws peoples'
% attention to the boat, Bart figures they will make a clean getaway. 
% Just then, Riverboat Captain appears on the balcony, and gives a
% virtuoso performance of "Old Man River."  At the finale, he leaps
% onto the balcony rail, stepping on the boys' hands.  The boys lose
% their grip.  They land on the boat's paddlewheel, which flips them
% high into the air.
%
% Cut to the riverboat's lounge, where Krusty tells jokes for the
% passengers.

Krusty:		Well, I see President Filmore's in the news again.  
		[mimes drinking] Glug, glug, glug!
		[the audience laughs]
		[the boys come crashing through the lounge's glass 
		ceiling, landing at the bar]
Moe:		What'll it be, boys?
Bart:		Just 3 Xs, my man.
Nelson:		Gimmie five.
		[Moe takes down two jugs of whiskey, one marked 
		"XXX" and the other, "XXXXX", and pours the boys 
		some drinks]
		[the boys each down a shot]
		This ain't no five-X whiskey -- I can still see.  
		This barkeep's a no-good cheat!
Lounge-goers:	Cheat?!
		[everyone except Moe, Bart, and Nelson pulls small 
		guns from their secret hiding places]
Moe:		Eh, all right, we've all got Derringers, so let's 
		just put 'em away.  Nobody here is a cheat.
Lounge-goers:	Cheat?!
Moe:		Ah, Jeez.  [ducks under the bar]
		[everyone starts shooting.  The tiny bullets -- they 
		look to be the size of BB pellets -- bounce 
		harmlessly off of walls, glassware, and people]
Nelson:		Man, those Derringer bullets are weak.
Bart:		Powerful weak.
-- "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Moe throws the boys overboard, telling them to, "light out, and stay
% lit out!"  They sink to the bottom of the river, where the search
% party is waiting for them with guns (bigger than Derringers) and a
% hanging rope.
%
% Later, Rev. Lovejoy officiates at the boys' funeral.

Lovejoy:	Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed 
		young men, Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.
		[camera pans to the church ceiling.  Nelson and Bart 
		look down on the funeral, smiling widely]
		Now, for the traditional lowering of the bodies into 
		the coffins.
		[ropes hoist Bart and Nelson, unmoving, off the 
		church rafters and into their caskets.  On the way 
		down, the two bonk heads]
-- An old-fangled funeral, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% Back to the present day.

Hobo:	And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure.
Homer:	I like that story, cause I was a judge.
RR Man:	[knocking on the boxcar] Delaware!
Marge:	Hmm.  Well, this is our stop.  Would you like to come 
	sight-seeing with us?  [the family steps out of the 
	boxcar]
Lisa:	We're going to visit the place where J. C. Penney sends 
	their damaged merchandise.
Hobo:	No, thanks.  I'm going to keep on ridin' the rails, 
	swapping stories for sponge baths.
	[the Simpsons laugh]
	[clears throat] I believe I told *three* stories.  [holds 
	up a wet sponge, and squeezes it]
Homer:	Ohh.  [to family] I'll meet you in Wilmington.  [gets back 
	aboard the train.]
Hobo:	Close the door.
	[Homer does so.  The rest of the family leaves, and the 
	camera slowly draws back from the boxcar]
Homer:	[from inside the train] Raise your arms ... okay, the 
	other one.
Hobo:	You know, I do four hundred sit-ups a day.
Homer:	Oh, it shows.  I was going to say something, but I thought 
	it'd sound, you know, weird.
Hobo:	Oh, not at all.  I like when people say nice things about 
	my body.
Homer:	And it's important to feel good about yourself.  Okay, 
	spread your toes ... oh!  You know much glass is in here?
-- Paying the piper, "Simpsons Tall Tales"

% A down-home version of the "Simpsons" closing theme plays, while we
% see still shots of some scenes from the show (and some that aren't). 
% The Gracie Noise is Homer shouting, "Oh boy, buffalo testicles!"
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time (including credits):  21:02]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ah}  Aaron Hirshberg
{am}  Alee Molino
{bfg} Brendon Foster-Gray
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dg}  Dan Gaertner
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{jc}  Jeff Cross
{jg2} Joe Green
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jlm} Jesse L. McCann
{km}  Keith Moser
{mb}  M Bubsee
{th}  Tony Hill
{vy}  Vince Yim

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2003 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2003 Benjamin Robinson; song
lyrics provided by Alee Molino.  This capsule has been brought to you by Air
Delaware.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.