The Professor John Frink File

v3.0

Originally by Dave Hall and Paul Buxton
Maintained by Claus Rasmussen

Table of Contents:

Characteristics
Major Appearances
Minor Appearances
Inventions
Miscellaneous Information
Quotes

1. Characteristics

Yellow skin
Brownish-green coloured hair
Thick eyeglasses
Buck teeth
Has a tendency to mumble
Wears pink trousers, a white shirt and a blue bow-tie
Wears a green jacket or a white lab coat
Has been married (possibly divorced, certainly separated)
Has a son
I.Q. of 199
Voiced by Hank Azaria

2. Major Appearances

[7F17] Hoped his death ray would win Grampa's money. {dh}
[8F04] Was technical advisor during nuclear scare. {dh}
[8F08] Tried to analyse Flaming Moe for secret ingredient. {dh}
[8F11] Had a plan to rescue Timmy O'Toole (which was to freeze the boy). {dh}
[8F12] Created the Gamble-Tron 2000 to predict outcome of football games. {dh}
[8F23] Created a radio-controlled aeroplane for babies. {dh}
[9F17] Suggested a 'Fantastic Voyage' into Homer's body (exiting out of rear). {dh}
[9F20] 'Proved' Marge was present at the assassination of John F. Kennedy. {dh}
[1F01] Invented a robot bear for Mr. Burns. {dh}
[1F09] Came up with a plan to foil the burglar - the run-away house. {dh}
[2F01] Technical advisor to Itchy and Scratchy Land. {dh}
[2F06] Invented the Super Sour ball. {dh}
[2F07] Tested Abe's revitalizing love tonic. {dh} {Frink turns into the 'cool' Jerry Lewis character in 'The Nutty Professor' after taking Grampa's love tonic. -dgp}
[2F11] Had plan to destroy comet. {dh}
[2F15] Researching the cure for seventeen stab wounds in Mr. Burns' back. {dh}
[2F19] Substitute teacher. {dh}
[2F22] Invented flying motorcycle. {dh}
[3F04] Formulates theory of the third dimension.
[3F18] 'The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink'.
[3F20] Young Frink invents the 'Frinkiac-7' computer.
[4F02] Microscopic Frink invents the Debigulator.
[4F01] Inventor of the AT-5000 Auto-dialler.
[5F02] Inventor of the Matter Transporter.
[5F13] Demonstrates the 'Visible Computer' at the Knowledgeum.
[5F14] In the queue at the Post Office.
[5F21] Gives Homer advice on inventing things. {dk}
[AABF05] At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.
[AABF07] Tracking down unauthorised radio signals.
[AABF17] Helps Mr. Burns to capture the Loch Ness Monster.
[AABF18] Member of Springfield's Mensa society.
[BABF15] Invents the tap dancing shoe for Lisa.
[BABF17] Demonstrates his Info Cram 6000.
[CABF04] Gets attacked by seagulls.
[DABF14] Introduces his steam-powered mechanical "Super-Spider" to the civil war reenactment.
[DABF19] Uses his time machine to help Homer change the past.
[EABF07] Watches the Spell-lympics.

3. Minor Appearances

[7F21] Seen briefly at the 12^th Annual Comic Book Convention.
[9F10] Fellow passenger on the monorail. {dh}
[9F11] Name & face appears on the Sperm Bank's '101 Frozen Pops' catalogue. {ja}
[1F05] Seen briefly at the 'Do What You Feel Festival'. {af}
[2F05] In the crowd at the ice hockey match. {nr}
[2F15] Frink-headed fish. {dl}
[3F08] Appears briefly as 'Dr. Strangelove'.
[3F23] Waves goodbye to the Simpsons.
[4F03] In the crowd at the fight.
[4F05] Seen briefly at Larry Burns' going away party. {af}
[4F06] Helps demolish the burlesque house.
[4F07] Helps rebuild Flanders' house.
[3F24] 'Professor Frink's Virtual Chilli'.
[4F13] In Dr. Nick's waiting room after a failed experiment.
[4F13] In the very next scene, Frink can be seen in the crowd, seemingly fully recovered.
[4F09] In the crowd as Skinner admits his virginity.
[4F21] Attacked by an octopus.
[4F23] Seen briefly at the train station platform.
[5F04] Reject bachelor.
[5F05] Seen briefly at the archaelogical dig after Lisa discovers the 'Angel'.
[5F23] Eating gruel as a member of the Movementarians.
[5F09] Seen briefly at the town meeting voting to horse-whip Homer.
[AABF09] Star struck in the presence of Homer Simpson.
[AABF15] Seen briefly walking inside a floating ball.
[AABF17] Seen briefly in the crowd at the Fortune Megastore.
[AABF20] Seen briefly at The Java Server internet cafe.
[BABF10] Attends Maude's funeral.
[BABF21] Slips in Homer's Squishee.
[CABF06] At Bart's faith healing meeting.
[BABF22] At a cartoons festival.
[CABF08] Watches Tom Savini perform.
[DABF17] Accompanies Quimby to meet Burns at the power plant.
[DABF19] The Frink Bird is eaten at Dr. Hibbert's dinner.
[DABF22] Attends Rolling Stones' Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp.
[EABF04] Watches the women's bodybuilding finals.

4. Inventions

[7F17] Death Ray
[8F12] Gamble-Tron 2000
[8F23] Radio Controlled aeroplane for babies
[1F01] Robot bear
[1F09] Run-away house
[2F06] 77X42 super sour ball
[2F22] Flying Motorcycle
[3F04] Frinkahedron
[3F20] Frinkiac-7 Computer
[4F01] AT-5000 Auto-Dialler (Frink's first patent)
[4F01] Chess-playing robot arm
[3F24] Virtual Chilli
[5F02] M. C. Escher's 'Cricket Stumps'
[5F02] Floyd the robot
[5F02] Mood Pants
[5F02] Matter Transporter
[5F13] Visible Computer
[5F21] Hamburger Earmuffs
[AABF07] Radio-Source Finding Ear Trumpet
[AABF17] Monsterometer
[AABF17] Flipper-Finder
[AABF17] Hoax-a-scope
[AABF17] Frog Exaggerator
[AABF18] Sarcasm Detector
[DABF14] Steam Powered Super Spider
[DABF19] The Time Machine.

The Hidden Message in 3F04
When Homer is wandering around in the third dimension there is a string of hexadecimal numbers floating in space.
The string reads: 46 72 69 6E 6B 20 72 75 6C 65 73 21.
When converted into ascii text the string reads 'Frink rules!'

Frink Noise {mr}
Matt Rose wrote a letter to Bongo Comics, which was published in Simpsons Comics issue #30, asking about how the noises Professor Frink makes are written in the scripts. The reply was:
"That amusing noise which has become synonymous with the name Frink is entirely the genius distant rendering of one mega-talented actor, Hank Azaria. The way Frink's laugh is spelled on 'The Simpsons' scripts is entirely less amusing than you'd think: (FRINK NOISE)"

6. Frink Quotes

[7F17] Old Money

Grampa is interviewing people who want his money.
Grampa: What the hell is that?
Frink: Why, it's a death ray my good man, behold.
(Frink fires death ray)
Grampa: Hey, feels warm, kinda nice.
Frink: Well it's just a prototype, with proper funding I'm 
       confident this little baby could destroy an area the 
       size of New York City.
Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill 'em.
Frink: Oh, well to be honest, the ray only has evil 
       applications. You know my wife will be happy, 
       she's hated this whole death ray thing from day 
       one.

[8F04] Homer Defined

Frink explains the effects of a meltdown at SNPP.
Frink: These unfortunate people here will be instantly killed. 
       This circle, which I am sad to say we are in, will 
       experience a slower, considerably more painful death.
Kent:  Good Lord!

[8F08] Flaming Moe's

Frink analyses the contents of a 'Flaming Moe'.
Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas 
       chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... Love!? 
       Who's been screwing with this thing?

[8F11] Radio Bart

Frink explains his plan to rescue Timmy O'Toole from 
the well.
Frink: Although we can't reach the boy, we can freeze him 
       with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can 
       rescue him.

[8F12] Lisa The Greek

Frink tries to predict the Superbowl winner.
Frink: After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the 
       blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner 
       is... Cincinnati by 200 points!? Why, you worthless 
       hunk of junk.

[8F23] Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes

Frink demonstrates his aeroplane for babies.
Frink: This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance 
       to fly, just like my son here. He can execute the barrel-
       roll, loop-de-loop, then bring it in for the perfect 
       landing. Whu.
(The plane crashes through the window.)
Frink: Oh dear, my wife is going to kill me.

[9F17] So It's Come To This - A Simpsons Clip Show

Frink outlines his plan to revive Homer.
Frink: I have an unorthodox solution, a 'Fantastic Voyage' if 
       you will. Mwa-hey. Three scientists, one a beautiful 
       woman, will be shrunk to microscopic size. They will 
       then rendezvous in Mr. Simpson's lower colon.
Onlookers: Eeeuww.
Frink: Well, we have had a little trouble in finding volunteers. 
       Mm-hai.

[9F20] Marge In Chains

Frink 'proves' Marge Simpsons involvement in the assassination 
of JFK.
Frink: And if we freeze on frame 138, we distinctly see a puff 
       of blue hair coming from the grassy knoll.

[1F01] Rosebud

Frink demonstrates his replacement for Bobo.
Frink: Well it's not your original bear of course mm-hey, but 
       it's programmed to be just as cuddly.
(Frink activates the bear which attacks Mr. Burns.)
Frink: Aw, doggone it, it's supposed to be doing a little 
       dance.
Mr. Burns: Get the bear off!
Smithers: I got him.
Frink: I'm trying to turn it off.
Bear:  Arrgh! No... bear... want... to... live! Arrgh!

[1F09] Homer The Vigilante

Frink demonstrates his burglar-proof house.
Frink: Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm, 
       the house raises from it's foundations and runs down 
       the street, round the corner to safety... 
(The house falls over and bursts into flames)
Frink: Well the... the real humans won't uh... won't burn 
       quite so fast in there, mw-hai.

[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land

Frink raises the alarm.
Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory 
       tells us that all robots will eventually turn against 
       their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and 
       the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and 
       the hurting and shoving.
Scientist: How much time do we have professor?
Frink: Well according to my calculations, the robots won't go 
       berserk for at least 24 hours.
(The robots go berserk.)
Frink: Oh, I forgot to er, carry the one.

Frink is fixing the robots.
Frink: Man! If this is happening here, I'd hate to think what's 
       happening at Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Mm-hey.

[2F06] Homer: Badman

Frink demonstrates his new candy.
Frink: As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour it 
       can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The 
       candy, known as 77X42... Bwei... Where the hell is the 
       candy?
Homer: I don't know.

[2F07] Homer Vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Frink debates the usefulness of Grampa's revitalizing 
tonic.
Frink: Ng-hey. I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast 
       so many fantastic properties.
(Frink drinks the tonic and transforms into the 'Jerry Lewis' 
character.)
Frink: Let's say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding 
       at the Cyclotron, doctor?
Female Scientist: Anything you say, professor, whoaah.

[2F11] Bart's Comet

Frink outlines his plan to destroy the comet.
Frink: Mm-hai. Good evening ladies and gentleme...
Man in audience: Quit stalling! What's the plan?
Frink: Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. Now, 
       working with former Carter administration officials and 
       military men who were forced into early retirement for 
       various reasons which we won't go into here ng-hey, we 
       have planned this defense for the city. As the comet 
       hurtles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it 
       and blow it to smithereens.
(The model rocket destroys the comet, falling debris hits the 
model of Moe's Tavern setting it alight.)
Moe:   Oh dear God no!

[2F15] Lisa's Wedding

Frink-headed fish jumps out of the water.
Frink-fish: Ng-hey.

Frink supervises the team who are busy curing Mr. Burns.
Smithers: Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they 
       discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back. 
       How're we doing, boys?
Frink: Well, we're up to fifteen.

[2F19] The PTA Disbands

Frink supervises a group of infants.
Frink: Mwa-hey, bwa-hai. The compression and expansion of the 
       longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation, you 
       can see it there, of the neighbouring particles.
(A little girl attracts Professor Frink's attention.)
Frink: Yes, what is it, what, what is it?
Little Girl: Can I play with it?
Frink: No you can't play with it, you won't enjoy it on as many 
       levels as I do... Mm-hai bw-ha whoa-hoa. The colours 
       children. Mwa-ha-lee.

[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Frink tests his new flying motorcycle.
Frink: Hello, son. You want to try the flying motorcycle I just 
       invented?
Bart:  No time.
Frink: Okay.

Bart loses his skateboard in the wet cement.
Bart:  I could sure use that flying motorcycle now.
Frink flies by.
Frink: You had your chance. Whoa-hai.

[3F04] Treehouse Of Horror VI - Homer³

Homer tries to explain what the third dimension looks like.
Homer:   Uh... it's like... did anyone see the movie 'Tron'?
Hibbert: No.
Lisa:    No.
Marge:   No.
Wiggum:  No.
Bart:    No.
Patty:   No.
Wiggum:  No.
Ned:     No.
Selma:   No.
Frink:   No.
Lovejoy: No.
Wiggum:  Yes.  I mean... um, I mean, no.  No, heh.

Frink explains the theory of the third dimension.
Lisa:  Well, where's my Dad?
Frink: Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted 
       individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic 
       topology, ng-bwui, that Homer Simpson has stumbled 
       into...
(The lights go off.)
Frink: ...the third dimension.
(Lisa turns the lights back on.)
Lisa:  Sorry.
Frink: Here is an ordinary square...
Wiggum: Whoa, whoa. Slow down, egghead!
Frink: ...but suppose we extend the square beyond the two 
       dimensions of our universe along the hypothetical Z 
       axis, there.
(Frink draws a wireframe cube on the blackboard.)
Everyone: (Gasps).
Frink: This forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube", 
       or a "Frinkahedron" in honor of its discoverer, ngu-hey, 
       ng-hey.
Homer: Help me!  Are you helping me, or are you going on and on?
Frink: Oh, right. And, of course, within, we find the er doomed 
       individual.

Frink discourages Grampa from entering the third-dimension.
Grampa: I'll save Homer. All I need is four stout men to work 
       the bellows.
Frink: No pops! It's too risky. For all we know there could be 
       cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large...
Homer: Help! I don't have much time.

[3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield

'The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink'.
Frink: Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the 
       lab with the running and the exploding and the crying 
       when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha.
(The screen fades.)
Frink: Oh, no, please no. I have a funny story if you listen. I 
       even wrote theme music, here listen. Ha ha, mm-m hey hey,
		Professor Frink, Professor Frink,
		He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think,
		He likes to run, and then the thing,
		with the... mm-m person...
       Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.

[3F20] Much Apu About Nothing

Apu remembers his computer training course.
Apu:   I enrolled in Springfield Heights Institute of Technology 
       under the tutelage of the brilliant Professor John Frink...
Frink: Well, sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive, don't touch 
       it, but I predict that within 100 years, computers will 
       be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive 
       that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
Apu:   Could it be used for dating?
Frink: Well, theoretically, yes. But the computer matches would 
       be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic 
       conquest. Mw-hurgn-whey.

[4F02] Treehouse Of Horror VII - The Genesis Tub

Lisa is shrunk to microscopic size.
Microscopic Frink: It worked! The Debigulator worked!

Lisa asks to be restored to her former size.
Lisa:  Listen, I can take care of everything, all you have to do 
       is unshrink me.
Microscopic Frink: Unshrink you? Well that would require some 
       sort of a Rebigulator which is a concept so ridiculous 
       it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle... but 
       aaahh, but not at you O holiest of Gods with the 
       wrathfulness and the vengeance and the bloodrain and 
       the 'hey hey hey it hurts me'.

[3F23] You Only Move Twice

Frink waves goodbye to the Simpsons.
Frink: See ya mm-hey.

[4F01] Lisa's Date With Density

Frink plays chess with a robot arm.
Frink: Oh, pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm!
(The 'phone rings.)
Frink: Lab.
Homer's Message: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy 
       as me?... 
Frink: Why it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer. My very first patent. 
       Aw, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you 
       saying, it's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert 
       schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get 
       you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work, bw-hey.

[5F02] Treehouse Of Horror VIII - Fly Vs. Fly

Frink holds a yard sale.
Lisa:  Wow look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd, I'd be in 
       heaven.
Frink: Good morning, ma'am, good afternoon sir. It passed noon 
       while I was speaking so that was technically accurate.
Homer: He's crazy.
Bart:  Hey Einsteen, how much for the mood pants?
Frink: How much you got?
(Frink's robot tries to make a break for it.)
Frink: Nice try floyd, but you were designed for scrubbing, and 
       scrubbing is what you shall do.
(Homer walks through matter transporter.)
Homer: Hmm.
Frink: I take it from that little impressed noise that you are 
       interested in purchasing that matter transporter, sir.
Homer: Ah erm, two bucks!? And it only transports matter!? Well, 
       uh, I'll give you 35 cents.
Frink: Sold! But I must warn you this devices carries a 
       frighteningly high risk of catastrophic...
Homer: I said I'll take it!

[5F13] This Little Wiggy

Frink demonstrates the 'Visible Computer' at the Knowledgeum.
Frink: Mm-hai. The section now illuminated is the Floating Point 
       Unit, one of my personal favorite units. 
Crowd: Ooh.
Frink: Oh, well...
Bart:  Hey, how do you get this thing to play blackjack?
Frink: Stop that, you're hurting it.
Bart:  So how's it supposed to work?
Frink: Well...
Bart:  Boring! Am I on the internet?
Frink: No, you can only access...
Bart:  Boring! What's that fire for?
Data:  The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed!
Frink: No more pictures!

[5F14] The Trouble With Trillions

Lenny rests on Frink's back to fill in his tax return form.
Frink: Oh no... No no, I felt that. You didn't carry the one you 
       foolish person. Now you'll incur the penalties with the 
       compound interest and the wrath and the truncheons.

[5F21] The Wizard Of Evergreen Terrace

Homer asks the Professor for advice on inventing.
Frink: ...and these (handing books to Homer) should give you the
       grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics
       and of course microcalifragalistics.
Homer: Er, look, I just want to know how to invent things.
Frink: All you have to do is think of things which people need
       but which don't exist yet.
Homer: You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Frink: Www oh well, possibly. Or you could take something that
       already exists and find a new use for it, like...
Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
Frink: Mmm well, I suppose that would qualify.
Homer: Thanks sucker. (Homer throws the books and runs off)
Frink: Weh, uh, alright just stay calm Frinky. These babies
       will be in the stores while he's still grappling with
       the pickle matrix bhay-gn-flay-vn.

[AABF05] Mayored To The Mob

Mark Hamill offers the role of Obi Wan Kenobi to the audience
Lenny:  Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, pick me. My whole life has been 
        leading to this moment.
Carl:   Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me.
Frink:  Right, step away foolish amateurs, just keep back, keep 
        out of it. The role is mine with the acting and the groupies 
        and the "Luke, Luke, save me" with the lightsabre and the 
        vwing, vwing, vwing.
Willie: That's not how you vwing. (Willie punches Frink which 
        starts a riot)

[AABF07] Wild Barts Can't Be Broken

Chief Wiggum and Frink try to track a radio signal
Wiggum: Hey, I got nothing. How about you Frinky?
Frink:  I have captured the signal and I am presently triangulating
        the vectors and compressing the data down in order to
        express it as a function of my hand. They're over there.

Frink surveys the makeshift radio transmitter
Frink: Brilliant, they transduced amplitude modulation via the
       concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean,
       that is some clever vhyving.

[AABF09] Homer To The Max

Star-struck in the presence of Homer Simpson
Frink:  Can I shine your shoes? {je} {jo}

[AABF17] Monty Can't Buy Me Love

On the banks of Loch Ness
Frink:  Mmm-hai-hey, let's see now, we have the Monsterometer, 
        Flipper-finder, Hoax-a-scope which is important for the 
        looking and finding.

On the banks of Loch Ness
Mr. Burns:            Where's my monster tubby? What do you
                      people think I'm paying you for?
Homer:                Er, to work in your power plant?
Groundskeeper Willie: You're not paying me anything.
Frink:                You kidnapped me I remember it distinctly
                      with the grabbing and the duct-taping and
                      the tennis ball in the mouth the hurt me.

On the banks of Loch Ness
Frink:  Oh my great good God! Gentlemen, your attention please.
        I am detecting a gigiantic amphibious life-form, it's
        80 meters long and it's heading this way. Oh good glayven
        it's on my shoe. It's a small frog, just get off, just 
        get off there, just get out of it, get out of it. Stupid 
        machine, oh wait a minute, this isn't the Monsterometer,
        it's the Frog-Exaggerator Mm-hai.

On the banks of Loch Ness
Frink:  Whoa, huf, guyven, gloa, pumping is hard, glayven.

[AABF18] They Saved Lisa's Brain

At the Mensa society meeting
Dr. Hibbert:       Welcome to Mensa Lisa.
Principal Skinner: It's the organization for people with high
                   I.Q.s
Lisa:              I know that, it's also a constellation visible
                   only from the Southern Hemisphere.
Frink:             She's good, she's very good mm-m-hai-v and she
                   brought a cream pie.

At the Mensa society meeting
Dr. Hibbert: Welcome to Mensa. You join such luminaries as 
             cartoonist Mel Lazarus, Gina Davis, and Parade
             Magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.                   
Frink:       Each the tops in his or her field, er except
             for Mel Lazarus.

At the Mensa society meeting
Lisa:  Only one person in a million would find that funny.
Frink: Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.

Role-playing with Mensa
Lisa:  This is so cool, I feel like I'm back in the 
       Renaissance.
Frink: Please stay in character, gentle wench.

Role-playing with Mensa
Frink: Zounds, someone took our gazebo.

In Mayor Quimby's office
Chief Wiggum:      So who's in charge?
Dr. Hibbert:       Well, that's a good question, let's take
                   a quick look at the town charter.
Lyndsey Nagle:     Done.
CBG:               Done.
Lisa:              Done.
Dr. Hibbert:       Done.
Principal Skinner: Done.
Frink:             Finished.

In an interview with Kent Brockman
Frink: We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers
       move the fastest through yellow lights, so now we
       just have the red and yellow lights, mm-haiai.

At the Town Elders meeting
Lyndsey Nagle: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Frink:         (with sarcasm detector) Are you kidding me?
               This baby is right off the charts, mm-hai.
CBG:           A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful
               invention.
(Sarcasm detector explodes)

At the "State of the City" Address
Principal Skinner: We've got some new rules and regulations
                   that you're just going to go ape-poopie
                   over, Professor Frink...
Frink:             Well first of all, we're going to ban such
                   barbaric sports as Bull-fighting and Cock-
                   fighting. Also Boxing, both kick and the type
                   with the gloves, and hockey, football, push-
                   ups and anything in general where you have to
                   take off your shirt, it's so embarrassing.

At the "State of the City" Address
Dr. Hibbert: When are we going to get to my broccoli juice
             program?
CBG:         Quit butting in please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155
             while mine is a muscular 170. (Sings) I am smart,
             much smarter than you, Hibbert.
Frink:       You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199 for
             crying out flayven. (Bangs head) 198, 197...

[BABF01] Treehouse of Horror X

At a Xena fan meeting
Lawless: ... but I'm sure that once girls get to know the 
	 real you, you'll get plenty of dates.  Next 
	 question.
	 [hands go up.  She picks Frink]
Frink:	 Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey.  In episode BF12, you 
	 were battling barbarians while riding a winged 
	 Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, 
	 you're clearly atop a winged Arabian.  Please do 
	 explain it.
Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like 
	 that, a wizard did it.
Frink:	 I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 --
Lawless: Wizard.
Frink:	 [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

[BABF06] Faith Off

Singing at Bart's Faith Healing
Frink:	Got a cramp in my glavin.  [Bart kicks Frink's rump] 
	Oy!

[BABF10] Alone again, Natura-Diddly

Attending Maude's Funeral
Lovejoy:    In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player 
            in our lives.  She didn't grab our attention with 
	    memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.
Willie:	    Aye.
McAllister: Yar.
Frink:	    Oh, glaven, why, glaven?
Lovejoy:    But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was 
	    always there ... and we thought she always would be.

[BABF15] Last Tap Dance in Springfield

Building a prop spaceship for the tap dancers
Vicki: Professor Frink, will that spaceship be ready for the recital?
Frink: I have visited the future, and yes, it will.  M'hey!
Vicki: [addresses her class] Okay, kids, tonight's the big night!  Now
       remember: the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.
Lisa:  Excuse me, why isn't my name in the program?
Vicki: It is, silly.  You've got the most important part of all. [flips
       through the pamphlet]
Lisa:  Curtain puller?!
Vicki: No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open.
Lisa:  Bu--  My parents are counting on seeing me dance!  And I've worked ever
       so hard.
Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly
       not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That's right.  And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the
       Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat
       for the Reds.
Lisa:  [sigh] All right, I'll be the stupid curtain puller. [yanks the rope]
Vicki: Smoothly. [demonstrating] Pulla-pulla-pulla.
Lisa:  [under her breath] I got yer pulla-pulla-pulla.
Frink: Excuse me, Lisa, but I couldn't help but overhear your nerdly
       predicament.  Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the
       twisting and the [singing] kung fu fighting.  Deedle-deedle dee dee
       doo.

At Frinks house
Frink: I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop. [claps, can
       dances] As you see, it responds to any percussive sound with an
       exuberant shaking of its groove thing, yeah, yeah.
Lisa:  Most entertaining, but how does that help me?
Frink: Observe. [removes the switch plate from the dancing can, places it in
       the heel of Lisa's shoe, and turns it on.  Lisa's foot then moves in
       time with Frink's clapping]
Lisa:  Ooh!  That's brilliant, professor!  What will you think of next?
Frink: Well, I also found this at the gift shop. [a weasel attached to a ball]
       Isn't it cute? [places it on the ground, where it bounces around] I'm
       hoping to turn it into a weapon. [Frink noises] It'll kill ya!
Lisa:  I've got to go now. [backs out]

After the big show
Vicki: Self-tapping shoes?  I'm ever so pissed!
Lisa:  I'm sorry, Vicki.  I just wanted to be a dancer *so* badly.
Vicki: [sigh] I understand.  We all do crazy things when we're desperate.  I
       once destroyed Buddy Ebson's credit rating.
Lisa:  Why?
Vicki: He knows why.
       [Homer and Marge look at each other]
Frink: [looking at shoes] Jesus, Mary and glavin!  These shoes are in the off
       position!
Lisa:  You mean I danced all by myself?
Marge: See, honey?  All you needed was to believe--
Homer: [taking the shoes] What are you talking about, Professor Frink?
       They're clearly in the on position.  See?  "On".
Frink: I was merely trying to spare he girl's feelings, you insensitive clod.
Homer: Oh -- OH!  Well, now that I look even closer--
Lisa:  Forget it, Dad.  Oh, I guess I'm never gonna be your Broadway baby.

[BABF17] Insane Clown Poppy

Demonstrating his Info Cram 6000
Frink:  Mmm, hey! With my Info Cram 6000, you can absorb books
        instantly by attaching this electrode to the brain pan...
        [does so] and this ons to the [in pain] loooooiins!
        [electricity start flowing through him]
        Gloyven, Tolstoj, searing, brains, glayven!
        [collapses]

[BABF20] A Tale of two Springfields

In his laboratory as Homer shuts off the city's power
Frink:   I will now teleport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day
         [Starts his teleportation device.]
Machine: Warning. Power failure. [The power goes off]
Frink:   Sweet glayven! [Isaac Newton's lower half steps out of the
         machine] Oh my, hey..! [Isaac Newton's legs runs over and
         starts kicking Frink] Ow, ow, oh, Sir Isaac's legs are
         hurting!

[BABF22] HOMR

Watching a voice actor perform
Lisa:  Excuse me, but isn't that voice vere similar to the cowardly lion?
CBG:   Also, sir, your loud mouth leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason.
       [crosses his arms]
Actor: 
Frink: And the [?] cat sound exactly like Jerry Lewis! With the
       stealing and the lawsuit - oh! Nice judge, don't hurt a person
       [trails off].

[DABF14] The Sweetest Apu

At the Civil War reenactment
Skinner: Tanks! Oh, this is just too inaccurate:
Frink:   Well then, you're definitely not going to like my steam powered
         super spider. Stepping and squishing and the web made of nyyy-lon.
         [The spider attacks the reenacters]
         The nylon has been released.

CONTRIBUTORS


 dh - Dave Hall  (davehall@cyberspc.mb.ca)
 js - Jacob Stohler  (jstohler@nando.net)
 dl - Dlsmay  (Dlsmay@aol.com)
dgp - David Gregory Platt  (umplatt2@cc.umanitoba.ca)
 dk - Darren Kozlowski (darrenoz@cybrzn.com)
 af - Aaron Florian *TDF* (aaron@internerd.com)
 nr - Nick Rose (Aceman6532@aol.com)
 mr - Matt Rose (bartron@aol.com)
 jo - John Ogan (jogan@umr.edu)

Last updated on June 10th, 2004 by Claus Rasmussen (claus@simpsonsarchive.com)

The Professor John Frink File

v3.0

Table of Contents:

1. Characteristics

2. Major Appearances

3. Minor Appearances

4. Inventions

5. Miscellaneous Information

6. Frink Quotes