Captain McAllister File
Originally by Dave Sweatt
Maintained by Dave Jenkinson
An Italian translation of this document is also available.
Profile
Quotes:
Season 4
Season 5
Season 6
Season 7
Season 8
Season 9
Season 10
Season 11
Season 12
Season 13
Season 14
Profile
Captain McAllister has yellow skin with white hair and a beard. He wears a sea captain's hat, a green sweater, a blue pea soup jacket, brown pants, black rubber boots and often carries a corncob pipe. He squints a lot, probably because he has two glass eyes [AABF16].
Some people claim that his first name is either Horratio or Pete, but it's never been established which, if any. Handsome Pete is often seen with the good captain and McAllister once called Homer "Bottomless Pete," either of which could be the source of this confusion. Strangely, none of the Springfieldians have called McAllister by name since his court appearance in [9F06]. Instead, everyone just refers to him as the old sea captain.
He is voiced by Harry Shearer.
- Deeds, Exploits, and Feats
- [9F06] admits he's not a real captain in court
- [9F08] fights a shark
- [9F21] fights an octopus
- [1F05] takes a picture of Patty and Selma nude
- [1F06] causes a boat to sink
- [1F08] has an idea for a casino
- [1F09] joins Homer's vigilante group
- [2F04] causes a shipwreck
- [2F10] his child is born
- [2F16] says he once sailed around the arctic region
- [3F10] on the Stereotypes bowling team
- [3F24] wrecks a cargo ship full of hot pants
- [4F06] wrecks an oil tanker
- [4F18] gets advice from the Listen Lady
- [5F02] knows his history and fairy tales
- [5F04] a bachelor auction reject
- [5F06] passes the real estate exam
- [5F07] gives the a Simpsons fish
- [AABF16] wrecks the cruise boat
- [BABF06] idolized by Bart
- [BABF08] weds a man to a cow in international waters, then gives them illegal fireworks as a wedding gift
- [BABF19] inspired Wiggums to audition for Homer's television show
- [BABF21] knows the secret of the dolphins
- [DABF06] tries his hand at stand up comedy
- [DABF08] pesters Homer as Poseidon, God of the Sea
- [DABF19] turned into an alligator-man
- Non Speaking Appearances
- [1F09] at the big T treasure digging
- [1F20] takes Lenny's spitting class
- [3F02] in church
- [3F20] at Apu's citizenship BBQ
- [3F24] part of the mob vandalizing the burlesque house
- [3G03] in church
- [4F01] in line when Nelson's giving everyone their stuff back, and there's a lobster trap in the pile. {bn}
- [4F06] reels in a fish at the end of the 'Spring in Springfield' song and dance number
- [4F07] outside Flanders' rebuilt house; outside the Mental Institution
- [5F19] at the gate of the celebrity mansion
- [5F09] in the crowd at Homer's rally
- [AABF01] in the audience of the execution TV show
- [AABF06] in church, mumbles about a tithe audit
- [AABF08] part of the Superbowl bus excursion
- [AABF18] in the audience at the "How low will you go" contest
- [AABF22] in the movie theater audience
- [AABF23] standing on the pier
- [BABF03] swallowed up by a beanbag chair with Homer
- [BABF20] part of New Springfield
- [BABF17] paid by Krusty to covertly help Sophie catch fish
- [CABF06] tied up by rowdy teenagers
- [DABF03] part of the giant pyramid
- [DABF22] in the rock concert audience behind Skinner
- [EABF02] Bart's second choice as a possible new suitor for Edna
- Likes and Dislikes
- [1F05] thinks Patty and Selma are sexy
- [2F04] says "I hate the sea and everything in it"
- [4F18] really likes his Gameboy
- [5F04] loves sunsets
- [5F19] likes the movie 'Splash'
- [AABF04] dislikes the name 'Honeybunch' for his ship
- [AABF11], [ EABF08 ] may be homosexual (while at sea)
- [AABF21] has nightmares of whales
- [AABF23] gives Mel's movie "4 Arrs"
- [BABF22] enjoys "Bill Paxton's" acting
- [DABF11] signs a petition to recriminalize medical marijuana
- [DABF17] records 'Dharma and Greg' on his TiVo
- [DABF18] 'the Deep' is his favorite movie
- Captain McAllister's work history
- [9F06] Fryin' Dutchman restaurant
- [9F07] markets his 90 Sea Chantees CD Set
- [9F08] sells houseboats
- [9F10] Ye Olde Anchor Shoppe
- [1F06] River Raft Rentals
- [2F04] Lighthouse Keeper
- [3F12] Sea Cap'n's Bait 'n' Baro'n B'n
- [3F24] cargo ship captain
- [4F06] oil tanker captain
- [4F20] cast member on Simpson's Variety Show
- [5F14] Plunderer
- [AABF03] "runs a small academy for lobsters"
- [AABF04] tramp steamer captain
- [AABF11] 'Sardine Queen' captain
- [AABF16] cruise boat captain
- [DABF04] Artie Ziff's yacht captain
- [DABF08] God of the Sea
- Number of Speaking Appearances:
- 4th Season: 5
- 5th Season: 5
- 6th Season: 4
- 7th Season: 3
- 8th Season: 4
- 9th Season: 5
- 10th Season: 5
- 11th Season: 2
- 12th Season: 2
- 13th Season: 7
- 14th Season: 4
- Total: 46
- Old Sea Lingo
- Says Arr: 38 times
- Says Yarr (yes): 22 times
- Says Harr (laugh): 9 times
- Says Narr (no): 3 times
- Says Matees: 3 times
- Says Ahoy: 2 times
- Says Aye: 10 times
- [9F07] A few of his 90 Sea Chantees
- Blow the man down
- Row row row your boat
- In the navy
- What do you do with a drunken sailor
- Dead man's chest
- Asleep in the deep
- The flogging song
- Love theme from 'Das Boat'
- Sink the Bismarck
- Columbia, Gem of the ocean
- Bonus CD: Hornpipe Fever
Season 4
- [9F06] New Kid on the Block
Fryin' Dutchman commercial
McAllister: "Ahoy Matees, had your fill of tacos? Would ye sooner
eat a bilge rat than another burger? Then come for
all you can eat seafood at the Fryin' Dutchman!"
"Is it more iced tea you be needin'?"
"Set sail for the Fryin' Dutchman."
Homer eats at his restaurant
McAllister: "'Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eating machine, Arr."
"Six bells, time for closin'."
"Fairly warned be thee, says I."
Homer takes him to court
McAllister: "Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch, when out of the
mist came a beast more stomach than man.
Homer: "Hey!"
McAllister: "So I says to me bostens, 'batten down the missenmast,
Matees.'"
Hutz: "Captain McAllister, isn't it a fact that you're not a
real captain?"
McAllister: (lowers his head in shame) "Aye."
the Captain decides to settle out of court
McAllister: "I've a proposition for thee fair and true."
(later, at the restaurant)
McAllister: "Come see Bottomless Pete, nature's cruelest mistake.
Come for the freak, stay for the food."
After Moe answers Bart's crank call
McAllister: "Harr, Harr, Harr."
- [9F07] Mr. Plow
Sea Chantees commercial
Homer: "Oh, I'm gonna lose my plow.
Lisa: "Dad, have you ever considered buying cheap commercial
time on channel 92? Check it out."
(they turn just in time to see...)
McAllister: "Arr, 90 Sea Chantees on 3 compact disks. (singing)
Blow the man down, blow the man down. Row, row, row
your boat! In the Navy, come on and join your fellow man."
"Act now and get a bonus CD: Hornpipe Fever. Arr!"
- [9F08] Lisa's First Words
Selling the Simpsons a houseboat
McAllister: "Arr, why buy a house, when ye can buy a house boat."
(a shark suddenly appears)
"Excuse me. (draws a very large knife) Yarr!"
(With that, he leaps into the ocean to do battle with
the shark. Homer and Marge look at each other for a moment.
The shark then re-surfaces with the Captain inits jaw)
McAllister: "Don't forget to check out the galley, that's real shag
carpeting."
- [9F10] Marge vs. the Monorail
At the Ye Olde Anchor Shoppe
McAllister: "Arr, ye call that an anchor?"
- [9F17] So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
Delivery truck arrives at the Fryin' Dutchman
McAllister: "Thar she blows, the catch of the day."
His staff has just ringed his telescope eyepiece with charcoal
McAllister: "You heathenist dogs, from this day I be requirin' hair
nets."
Season 5
- [9F21] Homer's Barbershop Quartet
Fighting a giant squid with a harpoon
McAllister: "Arr, squiddy, I got nothin' against ya. I just heard
there was gold in yer belly. Ha ha Harr, Harr Harr."
- [1F05] Bart's Inner Child
Takes a photograph of Patty and Selma riding naked on a horse
McAllister: "Arr, this picture will serve me well on those lonely
nights at sea."
- [1F06] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood
At the River Raft Rentals shop
McAllister: "Arr, here be a fine vessel, the yarest river goin' boat
thar be."
Homer: "I'll take it!"
(the boat sinks)
McAllister: (sadly) "Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'."
- [1F08] $pringfield (or, How I learned to Stop worrying and Love legalized Gambling)
Planning is everything {d}
McAllister: "I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail
'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the
likes of which ye have never seen."
Burns: "We're building a casino!"
McAllister: "Arr... can you give me five minutes?"
- [1F09] Homer the Vigilante
Becomes one of Homer's vigilantes
McAllister: "I be with ya too, matee."
Responsible adults
Marge: "I don't think the guns are a good idea."
Homer: "Marge! We're responsible adults. And --"
Moe: (shoots) "Whoops."
Homer: "And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms
in a responsible way --"
McAllister: (shoots) "Sorry."
Skinner: (shoots) "Uh oh."
Moe: (shoots) "Me again."
Bart: (shoots) "Sorry."
Season 6
- [2F04] Bart's Girlfriend (aka Lovejoy's Little Devil)
A not-so-great lighthouse keeper
Man: "I'm telling you the light would work better if it pointed
out to sea."
McAllister: "Arr, shut up. I know what I'm doin'."
(a boat crashes in the distance)
McAllister: "Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it."
- [2F10] And Maggie Makes Three
Holding his newborn son by the feet
McAllister: "Arr, you're truly the catch of the day."
- [2F11] Bart's Comet
Bomb shelter hysteria
Otto: "You're crazy!"
McAllister: "Arr, what's it to ya?"
- [2F16] Who Shot Mr. Burns? - Part 1
At the Town Hall meeting
McAllister: "Arr, Burns, your scurvy schemes will earn ya a one way
passage to the boneyard."
Burns' evil plan
Burns: "One last question: have you ever seen the sun set... at
three p.m.?"
McAllister: "Aye, once, when I was sailin' 'round the Arctic --"
Burns: "Shut up, you!"
Season 7
- [3F10] Team Homer
The Stereotypes bowling team
Luigi: "Mama mia!"
Cletus: "Yeehaw!"
McAllister: "Arr, me Matees, Arr."
Apu: "Whoa. They begged me to join their team... begged me!"
- [3F12] Bart the Fink
The Sea Cap'n's Bait 'n' Baro'n B'n
McAllister: "Arr, I've got some customers, call me back Ishmael.
Ahoy there minnows."
Bart: "Have you seen this man?" (shows him a Krusty balloon)
McAllister: "Arr, that's Handsome Pete, he dances for nickels.
Pete, ye got some customers."
(a short guy with a Krusty-like face bursts in and
plays "Sailor's Hornpipe" on an accordian.)
Lisa: "No, we're looking for this man (inflates the balloon
a bit more), Krusty the Clown."
McAllister: "Narr, Narr, Narr."
(Bart throws a quarter in Handsome Pete's cup)
McAllister: "Not a quarter. Arr, he'll be dancin' for hours."
- [3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield
A suggestion for removing gum from Lisa's hair
McAllister: "Arr, have ye tried a Baltic Squid? They can suck the
bolts out of a submarine's hull."
Season 8
- [4F06] Bart After Dark
Wrecks his oil tanker on Baby Seal Beach because he's drunk
McAllister: "Arr, I'm in a lotta trouble now. Hey, I'll give ya a
hundred bucks if you'll take the blame."
- [3F24] El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (aka The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
Precious booty
McAllister: "Arr, matee, narry a warning light to be seen. Clear
sailin' ahead for our precious cargo."
Sailor: "Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir?"
McAllister: "Aye, the hot pants."
Evasive maneuvers!
McAllister: "Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision
course! Hard a-starboard!"
Sailor: (unsure) "Uh, port?"
McAllister: (ashamed) "Aye, port."
- [4F18] In Marge We Trust
The Listen Lady says his Gameboy is gone forever
McAllister: "Aye, Aye, Aye."
- [4F20] The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase
After a bad sketch on the Simpson's Variety Hour
McAllister: "Arr, someone should be keelhauled for that one!"
Season 9
- [5F02] Treehouse of Horror VIII
As the storybook Narrator for the witchcraft tale
McAllister: "Arr, and that's the story of the very first Caramel
Cod -- I mean halloween. And it wasn't long before
this yearly custom became an annual tradition."
- [5F04] The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons
Charity Bachelor Auction reject
Krusty: "Come on! He likes sunsets, what more do you want?"
McAllister: "Arr, I'm not attractive."
- [5F06] Realty Bites
Takes the Real Estate exam, $75 or best offer
McAllister: "Arr, I nailed that one about houseboats, did you?"
- [5F07] Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Donates a fish to the Simpsons
McAllister: "Arr, we just gave what we could."
- [5F14] The Trouble With Trillions
In line at the Post Office to mail his taxes
McAllister: "Arr, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all."
Season 10
- [5F19] When You Dish Upon a Star
Speaks to Ron Howard
McAllister: "Arr, I loved "Splash" Mr. Howard. It was totally... Arr."
- [AABF03] Lisa Gets an A
At the beach with Homer's cowardly lobster
McAllister: "Yarr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been
coddling him."
Marge: "Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!"
McAllister: "Eh, sorry, it's usually the mother. Eh, you know I run
a small academy for lobsters like this one. We stress
tough love, daily chores, and the like."
Marge: "No! We're not sending the lobster away to some snobby
boarding school."
McAllister: "Yarr, I understand. It's hard to let go. Tell me this
then, do you have any spare change?"
- [AABF04] Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"
Homer's hanging on the side of a tramp steamer
Homer: "I'd like to apply for a job. Any job! If you don't have
a captain I could be that."
McAllister: "Arr, what other ships have you been on?
Homer: "I've been in that one, (points to) the Taffy Shop."
McAllister: "Good enough. (helps Homer up) Welcome aboard the ship
of... (grimly) lost souls..."
Homer: "The name on the back says 'Honeybunch.'"
McAllister: "Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that. Now come and
meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're...
(grimly) lost souls...?"
Homer: "Well, actually you did."
McAllister: "Yarr, Yarr."
- [AABF11] I'm With Cupid
Apu delivers some pornography
McAllister: "Yarr, it's kind of you to deliver these copies of 'Jugs.'
They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality...
fer about 10 minutes. Harr, Harr, Harr."
Sailor: "You should talk!"
McAllister: (bashful) "Yarr."
- [AABF16] The Old Man and the "C" Student
Seniors from Abe's retirement home come aboard the ship
McAllister: "Yarr, not a looker among 'em."
Season 11
- [AABF21] Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?
Catch of the day
McAllister: "Yarr, here you are: one 'Critic's Special.' If anything
appears to be moving... that's just... freshness."
Discussing Homer's food column
McAllister: "Arr, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking
our businesses."
Man: "Then why did you put yours in the window?"
McAllister: "Arr, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector."
Weight watching
McAllister: "Lard ho! 'Tis a good sign; Homer's unfastened the top button
on his pants."
Akira: "Uh no, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving."
McAllister: "I'm surprised he doesn't just give it up and go for sweatpants."
Akira: "He says the crotch wears out too fast."
McAllister: "Yarr! That's going to replace the whale in my nightmares."
- [BABF10] Alone Again, Natura-Diddly
At Maude's funeral
Reverend Lovejoy: "In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player
in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with
memorable catch phrases, or comical accents."
Groundskeeper Willie: "Aye."
McAllister: "Yarr."
Professor Frink: "Oh, glaven, why, glaven?"
Season 12
- [BABF21] Treehouse of Horror XI
Night of the Dolphin
McAllister: "Yarr, it begins. The dolphins are upon us and only this
old sea dog knows how to stop -- Yarr!" (two dolphins
jump out of the water and tear him apart)
Dolphin: (surfaces wearing McAllister's cap and pipe) "Arr. I'm the
sea captain. Arr." (the other dolphins laugh)
- [BABF22] HOMR
Saturday night at the movies
Homer: "Hey, don't blame me, this movie is tired and predictable.
You know she's going to wind up marrying Richard Gere."
(audience gasps in surprise)
Dr. Hibbert: "I thought she was going to wind up with that rich snob."
McAllister: "Ably played by Bill Paxton."
Homer: "That's Bill *Pullman*, you fool!"
(someone knocks Homer out with a 2-by-4)
Season 13
- [CABF18] A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
Reads his fortune cookie
McAllister: "'You will take a short sea voyage.' Yarr, I'll enjoy that."
- [CABF22] The Parent Rap
Drive By
McAllister: (spanks Homer and Marge) "Yarr, ya filthy dogs!"
- [DABF03] Sweets and Sour Marge
Springfield: birthplace of the Beatles?!
McAllister: "Aye, we can stop all the lies."
Tastes the sugary harbor water
McAllister: "Aye, 'tis a sugary brine."
- [DABF04] Half Decent Proposal
As Artie Ziff's yacht skipper
McAllister: "You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, eh, 'Arr'-ty."
- [DABF06] The Bart Wants What It Wants
Toliet paper humor
McAllister: (gesturing with the TP'd fish) "Eh? Eh?"
Krusty: "That was the prop comedy of the Sea Captain. More like
'thar he blows!'"
(the audience finally laughs)
McAllister: (walks off stage dejectedly) "Yarr, I'm so sorry."
- [DABF08] Tales from the Public Domain
Takin' care of business
Quimby: (as Zeus) "Poseidon, you take care of Odysseus."
McAllister: (as Poseidon) "Yarr, I'll send him far -- off course!"
As a mean giant cloud
Homer: (as Odysseus) "Gentlemen, I must be wasted. Because it
looks like that cloud is mad at me."
McAllister: (as Poseidon) "YahaHarr. (Blows the ship off course)
YahaHarr."
Mugs for the camera
McAllister: (as Poseidon, knocks the ship off course again) "Ain't
I a stinker?"
- [DABF17] Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge
At the Blackout Riots Town Hall meeting
McAllister: "Yarr, the looters stole my glass eye." (Removes "eye")
This be a super-ball." (Throws the ball and it bounces
away.)
Excuses, excuses
McAllister: "Yarr, and I've got a TiVo full of unwatched 'Dharma
and Greg'."
Season 14
- [DABF19] Treehouse of Horror XIII
The Island of Dr. Hibbert
Homer: "Manimals, invertabroads. You must fight back against
the one who did this to you!"
McAllister: (turned into an alligator) "Yarr, the half-man,
half-gorilla speaks the truth."
- [DABF18] Large Marge
At Luigi's Resteraunt
McAllister: (singing) "You're like Jacqueline Bisset in my favorite
film, 'the Deep.'"
- [DABF21] Helter Shelter
Hockey Game Hijinks
(Homer pours boiling hot fudge onto the besiegers)
Otto: "Hot fudge!"
McAllister: "Yarr, it burns!"
Moe: "Oh, great! And I just got all that gum out of my armpits!"
- [EABF08] A Star is Born-Again
Alone at the Jellyfish Festival
Ned: (sighs) "Well, Sea Captain, looks like you and i are
sailing solo tonight."
McAllister: "Arr, are you hitting on me? 'Cause I don't do that...
on land."
CONTRIBUTORS:
{bn} Bobby Nelson
{d} Daniel
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