The Brain Speaks

Every time we heard someone's thoughts on The Simpsons. If it only says "Brain" then it's Homer's. Contributions and additions are welcome.

[7G03] Homer's Oddysey

 Brain: Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I...
 Burns: Simpson! Time's up.
 Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.

[7F03] Bart Gets an F

Mrs. Krabappel challenges Bart to tell the class the name of the pirate on "Treasure Island"

 Bart's brain: Blackbeard... Captain Nemo... Captain Hook...  Long John Silver... Pegleg Pete... Bluebeard...
 Bart        : Bluebeard?

[7F19] Lisa's Substitute

 Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
 Homer: Museum?  Tomorrow?  Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
        on...
 Brain: Sleeping?  Eating a big sandwich?  Watching TV?  Spending time with the boy!
 Homer: Spending time with the boy!  The boy needs attention, Marge.
 Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
        relationship with her.
 Bart : Me too, Mom.  I think you're drifting apart.
 Homer: Shut up, boy.
 Marge: Homer, please.
 Homer: Marge, you don't understand.  I can't do it because...
 Brain: You're trapped.  If you were smarter, you might think of something.
 But you're not, so you just might as well...
 Homer: All right, all right, I'll take her. [sotto voce]  Lousy brain.

[8F07] Saturdays of Thunder

Homer reads "Fatherhood" by Bill Cosby

 Homer: [reading]  Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity:
        No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the
        opposite.  Huh?
 Brain: Don't you get it!?  You gotta use reverse psychology!
 Homer: Well, that sounds too complicated.
 Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
 Homer: All right, I will!

[8F21] The Otto Show {mg}

Otto plays the guitar in the garage.

Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think!
[the music stops]
Brain: I want some peanuts.
Homer: That's better!

[9F07] Mr. Plow

After Homer crashes the family's two cars.

 Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question.  This place
        "Moe's" you left just before the accident.  This is a business of some kind?
 Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar!  Gasp!  But what else is open at night?
 Homer: It's a pornography store.  I was buying pornography.
 Brain: Heh heh heh.  I would'a never thought of that.

[9F08] Lisa's First Word

 Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
 Lisa : Well, don't push her.  Remember, it is better to remain
        silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
 Brain: What does that mean?  Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
 Homer: Takes one to know one.
 Brain: Swish!

[9F11] Selma's Choice

Driving to the funeral {dl}

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: [laughs hysterically] Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!

At the funeral

 Brain: Oh, I thought this thing was going to be catered.
        Boy, am I hungry. I mean, I'm really, really, hungry.
 Homer: It's just not fair, dammit!

[9F12] Brother From the Same Planet

 Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother?
 Brain: Don't say revenge!  Don't say revenge!
 Homer: Uh, revenge?
 Brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here. [footsteps, and a door slam]

[9F13] I Love Lisa

 Marge: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.
        [serves Homer breakfast of eggs and bacon, spelling out ``I
        love you'']
 Brain: Special day!?  Oh, what have I forgot now? Now don't panic.
        Is it Bacon Day?  No, that's crazy-talk.
 Marge: [smile gradually fades from her radiant visage]
 Brain: She's getting impatient!  Take a stab at it!
 Homer: Happy... Valentine's Day...
 Marge: [rubbing his head]  (*squeak*) (*squeak*)  Aw, thank you, dear.
 Homer: WoHoo!

[9F14] Duffless

At home, Homer announces he is leaving

 Homer: Well, time to go to work.
 Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
 Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
 Brain: Heh, heh, heh.  They don't suspect a thing.
 [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say  anything]        Well, off to the plant.
 Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
 Brain: Uh, oh.  Did I say that or just think it?
 Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast!
 Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
 Homer: Aah! [Runs off]

Later, at the Science Fair

 Marge       : I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
 Lisa        : Please, mother, its purely in the interests of science.
 Lisa's Brain: That'll learn him to bust my tomater.

[9F15] Last Exit to Springfield

At the union meeting

 Lenny: So long, dental plan!
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice on Homer's brain: Dental plan!
 Marge's voice on Homer's brain: Lisa needs braces.
 [As a prank, Chuckie drops a pencil into the crack of Homer's butt]
 Carl : Bull's-eye!
 Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl.  Now I lost my train of throught.
 Lenny's voice: Dental plan!   Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces.
 Lenny's voice: Dental plan!   Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces.
 Homer: If we give up our dental plan... ... ...
        I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

Later, at his meeting with Mr. Burns

 Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.
        We both want a fair union contract.
 Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
 Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
 Brain: Wait a minute.  Is he coming onto me?
 Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
 Brain: My God!  He <is> coming onto me!
 Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
        [chuckle]  [wink]
 Brain: Aaaaaagh!
 Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.
        Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious,
        but the answer is no!

[9F16] The Front

 Brain: This is it, Homer.  It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.
 Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
 Marge: Oh, my God!
 Brain: No, the other secret!

 Lisa        : Look, there's only one way to settle this.  Rock-paper-scissors.
 Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart.  Always takes `rock'.
 Bart's brain: Good ol' `rock'.  Nuthin' beats that!   Bart:  Rock!
 Lisa        : Paper.
 Bart        : D'oh!

 Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
        But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing
        you with beer.
 Brain: It's a deal!

[9F19] Krusty Gets Kancelled

 We see a sleeping donkey with flies all over it inside Homer's brain.

[9F20] Marge in Chains

 Burns: Who the devil are you?
 Brain: Don't panic.  Just come up with a good story.
 Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
 Brain: D'oh!

[1F06] Boy Scouts 'n the Hood

Homer searches under the couch for a peanut.

 Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy!
        Eww, slimy.
        Oh, moving!
        Ah-ha!  [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty
        dollars...I wanted a peanut!
 Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!        Homer: Explain how.
 Brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.

Later, at home, knowing Bart will ask him to go to the rafting trip.

 Bart : [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask
        him and he'll say "No."  Then it'll be his fault.
 Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go,
        I'll just say, "Yes!"
 Brain: Wait!  Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
 Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
 Bart : [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come
        on this trip with me.
 Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on
        your trip with you.
 Both : D'oh!

[1F07] The Last Temptation of Homer

 Homer: [singing] Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking,
        But I sent you Ben Gay.
        Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something,
        And I -- [sees Lisa watching] Uh oh.
 Lisa : Dad, why are you singing?
 Brain: Tell a lie, tell a lie.
 Homer: Um, because I have a small role in a broadway musical.
        It's not much, but it's a start.
 Brain: Bravo.  [sarcastic clapping]
 

 Brain        : Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...
        [He imagines Patty and Selma in the bathroom together, shaving their legs.]
 Brain        : Ohh, that's unsexy.
        [Pictures Barney in a bikini. Barney is singing the theme
        from "I Dream of Jeanie" seductively, but he's interrupted when heburps.]
 Brain        : Eww!
        [Barney becomes Mindy in a red bikini and she blows him a kiss.]
        [Homer looks at Mindy]
 Mindy's Brain: Think unsexy thoughts!  Think unsexy thoughts!
 Homer        : Well, this is my stop!
        [He presses the "Stop" button in the elevator, forces the door
        open, and steps out -- into the air.]
 Homer        : See you tomorrow!

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

 Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
  Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
 Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back.  But
        we've also expanded into other important areas.  [reads a list]
        Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world
        domination -- Lisa: World domination?
 Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
 Brain: Mental note: the girl knows too much.

[1F20] Secrets of a Succesfull Marriage

At Lenny's house, Homer, Lenny, Carl, Barney and Moe are playing poker

 Lenny: You want another card or not?
 Homer: Huh?  Oh, OK.  I'll take three.  [Moe deals them] D'oh!  D'oh!
        D'oh!  I mean...woo hoo.
 Moe  : I'm in.  [tosses a chip into the pot] Let's see your cards.
 Homer: Oh, I was bluffing.  [shows them]
 Moe  : Ha ha.  Come to papa -- wait a minute!  You have a straight
        flush, Homer!  You do this every time, you -- oh, you -- oh!
        Gah!  I'm choking on my own rage here.
 Carl : Hey, don't yell at Homer.  Just 'cause he's a little slow...
         [Homer gasps]
 Brain: Something was said...not good.  What was it?
        "Don't yell at Homer!"  No, that's OK.  What was it?  ...Slow!
        They called you slow!
 Homer:  [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that!  I -- huh?
         [Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap]
 Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here?  Boy, you _are_ slow.
 Brain: Something said...not good.
 Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

Later, Homer is in the tree house trying to think how to persuade Marge to stay with him

 Homer: All right, Brain, it's all up to you.  If you don't think of what
        it is, we'll lose Marge forever.
 Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding *
        eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding *
 Homer: OK.  But then we gotta get to work. *
         [pigs out] *

[1F22] Bart of Darkness

Bart is upset for having to spend the summer outside the pool.

 Bart's brain: Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty-boy.
 Bart        : Oh, great, I get to spend the summer with my brain.

later, at the pool

 Nelson      : Look, Lisa: I found this change on the bottom of the pool.  You
               can have it.  Lisa: Thanks, Nelson.
 Ralph       : [coming up for air] Somebody took my juice money!
 Rex         : Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country.
               They'll be hunting, charades, and ever so many delightful
               romantic misunderstandings?         [kids clamor for her]
 Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know.
 Lisa        : Shut up, brain!  I got friends now.  I don't need you
               any more.
               [moronically] Duh, yeah, I'd love to go to your house, hyuck hyuck.

Later, all the kids go to Martin's pool

 Lisa        : Huh?  Hello?  Hey, I'm stuck in here!
               I gotta think of a way to get out.
 Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well: look who's come crawling back.

[2F03] Treehouse of Horror V (The Shinning) {bw}

 Bart : Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
 Willy : Why you little --
 Willy's brain: No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go
 crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
 Bart : What's haggis?

[2F04] Bart's Girlfriend

 Mrs. Lovejoy: I'll just take that -- [sees empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
 Abe: What is it? A Unitarian? [everyone surrounds Bart]
 Bart's Brain: Now just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
 Bart: I --
 Mrs. Lovejoy: -- took the money? Yes, we know.

[2F13] Bart vs. Australia

Homer receives the telephone bill.

 Homer: Burkina Faso?  Disputed Zone?  Who called all these weird places?
 Brain: Quiet, it might be you!  I can't remember.
 Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
 Brain: No, no!  Why embarrass us both?  Just write a check and I'll
        release some more endorphins.
         [Homer scribbles a check, then sighs with pleasure]

[2F15] Lisa's Wedding {cr}

 [Lisa meeting her fianc�e's parents]
 Lisa : Beautiful dinnerware, Mrs. Parkfield.
 Mrs. P : Thank you, Lisa. They were made for the finest family in
  Britain.
 Mr. P : I don't know how _we_ ended up with them.
 Lisa's Brain: Uh oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit, or
  subtle self-pity? Ooh, they're staring at me, better respond.
 Lisa : [laughs very tentatively]
 Mr. P : Oh, it's good to hear a boisterous American laugh!

[2F16] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part 1)

 Homer: [out of breath] Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
 Burns: [sputters] My name is the return address, you senseless
        dunderpate.  Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
 Brain: Oh, I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't
        even know my name!  Well, that's gonna change right now!
 Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp -- ow!
         [Burns pushes a red button; a 1000g weight falls on Homer]
        -- son.
 Burns: [muttering] Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it.  [sighs] I
        can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

[3F01] Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily {tm}

 Homer and Marge are in hot pursuit.
 Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
 Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like
 Flanders!
 Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
 stupid sweater every day and --
 Homer: The Springfield River!

[3F02] Bart Sells His Soul {muyema@us.ibm.com}

 Bart: I can't _take_ this any more. I want my soul, and I want
 it now! [runs out]
 Homer: Bart, you didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls!
 Homer's brain: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
 Homer: [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

[3F04] Treehouse of Horror VI (Homer^3) {bw}

 Homer: I'll take my chances in the mystery wall!
  [goes into it]
  [steps out into 3D land, looks around]
 Brain: Oh, glory of glories. Oh heavenly testament to the
  eternal majesty of God's creation.
 Homer: Holy macaroni!

[3F09] Two Bad Neighbors {s}

Bush goes jogging with Tim Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, and Lenny, and a friendly-looking mutt. Homer watches them jog past from his hammock.

Homer: Huh. Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush.
       [SLH barks and runs off after them]
       I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. [laughs]
Brain: There it is Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no-one was around to hear it.
Homer: D'oh!

[3F11] Scenes of the Class Struggle in Springfield {mg}

Marge is playing bridge with her friends.

Marge: [thinking] Oh, we've got a winning hand, we can take the rest of the tricks.
       [camera pans higher up]
       [thinking] Oh, we'd better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning.
       [camera pans higher up]
       [thinking] Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner
       [camera pans to the end of her hair]
       [thinking] Don't ask me, I'm just hair. Your head ended 18 inches ago.

[3F13] Lisa the Iconoclast {tm}

 Comic book guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
 Homer: No, it's Homer.
 Comic book guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my
 screenplay, _Homer_. And if I see a movie where
 computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know
 you have stolen my idea.
 Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid.
 Brain: Mental note -- steal his idea.

[3F15] A Fish Called Selma {bw}

 Rev.: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy
  matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
 [zoom in on Homer's head]
 Brain: [singing to himself "Rock 'N Roll Part Two"]
  Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah, dah-dah!
  Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah!

[3F22] Summer of 4 ft. 2 {bw}

 Erin: Hey, I like your hat.
 Lisa: A compliment!
 Lisa's Brain: Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean! Go!

[4F05] Burns, Baby Burns

At Mt. Swartzwelder

 Flanders: Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson!
           How long have you been here?
 Homer   : Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
 Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh?  Hey, word to the wise --
           [shows Homer a card] season pass!  It pays for itself after the
           sixteenth visit.  You know, most people don't know the difference
           between apple cider  and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a
           little trick to help you remember.  If it's clear and yella',
           you've got juice there, fella!  If it's tangy and brown, you're
           in cider town.  Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda
           tricky here...        [Homer's brain gets bored]
 Brain   : [moans]  You can stay, but I'm leaving.
            [brain floats away; Homer is now staring blankly]
 Flanders: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of
           course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
            [Homer collapses]
 Flanders: Oh, my!  I'd better get you some cider.

[4F01] Lisa's Date With Density {bw}

 Lisa: I like you too, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're
 like a big sister.
 Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that?
 Lisa: Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just
 give him this note.
 Milhouse: [groans]
 Lisa: [insistent] Please?
 Milhouse's Brain: When she sees you'll do anything she says,
 she's bound to respect you.
 Milhouse: Sure! What's a big sister for? [walks off]
 [to himself] Oh... I shouldn't have said that.

[3G03] SimpsoncalifragilisticexpialaD'oh!cious

In the kitchen

 Marge: I guess we're not going to find anyone.
 Lisa : We have our own suggestions for the new nanny.  Would you like to
        hear them?
 Homer: You have my undivided attention.  [Meanwhile, in Homer's brain,
        goofy animals dance to "Turkey in the Straw."]

[4F10] Mountain of Madness {oc}

 Smithers: Burns, and Simpson.
 Homer: Oh,
 Brain: Quiet you fool. You're on the one team that can't
 possibly lose!

[4F12] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show {hg}

 Homer: So, it was pretty okay, huh?
  Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
 Marge: Yes we can.
 [they rush upstairs, quickly followed by three bangs of slammed
 doors]
 Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
 Brain: Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now look
 sad....say "D'oh".
 Homer: [sadly] D'oh...

[4F11] Homer's Phobia

In the car

 Homer: Don't worry, boy.  We're gonna set you straight.  By tomorrow
        morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds.
 Bart : What are you talking about, Homer?  Where are we going?
 Homer: Just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places.
        [puts his arm around Bart] Father and son!
 Brain: You're leaving the arm there too long!  You wanna
        make it worse?
         [Homer quickly yanks his arm off Bart's shoulder]
 Brain: No, no!  He'll know you're on to him!  Quick, shake his hand!
         [Homer does as his brain told him]
 Homer: Just remember, son, no matter what happens, I'll always love you.
 Brain: As??  As??
 Homer: [yanking hand away] As a father!  A father!  Regular father.

[4F17] The Old Man and The Lisa {bw}

 We see a dictionary in Mr. Burns' brain, which is looking for the word "recycling".

[4F22] The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

 Homer: Ah ha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
 Brain: Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.

Homer then bumps his brain on his way out of the car.

[4F23] The Principal and the Pauper

Skinner has just revealed his biggest secret, everybody's shocked.

 Brain: Keep looking shocked, and move slowly towards the cake.

[5F09] Trash of the Titans {as}

 Lisa's Brain plays music to her.

All the quotes were lifted directly from the episode capsules and the Season 9 and 10 transcriptions by John Ogan and Patrick Potchana.

CONTRIBUTORS:

{as} Andrew Steinberg
{bw} Benjamin Weiland
{cr} Claus Rasmussen
{hg} Hugh Gurin
{tm} Thomas Mozgan
{oc} ocindy@uswest.net
{mg} Matt Garvey
{dl} Daniel Lawrence
{s} Simon