[2F13] Bart vs. Australia

Bart vs. Australia                              Written by Bill Oakley and Josh
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer
Production code: 2F13                       Original airdate in N.A.: 19-Feb-95
                                                  Capsule revision E, 21-Jul-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- I will not hang donuts on my person.
              I will not hang don/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- OFF swims onto the scene as though the carpet is a surface
              of water.  They climb out onto the couch dripping wet.
              Recycled from 1F17

Did you notice...

    ... Bart dials 577562374257635623567462357736257635725 at first?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... after the Simpsons' plane takes off, the pan through the earth
        shows someone was buried alive and is trying to dig his way out?
    ... Bart & Lisa's hair is mussed when they arrive in Australia?
    ... the statue of Australia's first prime minister looks like Snake?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Vishnu at the center of the world?
    ... in Australia, Lisa is wearing white shorts and sneakers, and a
        red sweater (or something) tied around her waist?
    ... Maggie has a Happy Little Elf doll?

Dave Madden:
    ... Adolf drives a German-made Mercedes-Benz, and shops at (or
        steals from) French Cartier?
    ... no one noticed the phone off the hook all day long?
    ... Bart hums "Raindrops keep falling on my head" while the Aussie
        is on pseudo-hold?
    ... Bart rubbing his wrists in the embassy after getting the
        handcuffs off?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... the picture of Ayr's Rock [now called Uluru - ed] over the
        telephone in Tobias' house?
    ... the milk carton is left open in the refrigerator?
    ... the clock in the embassy guardhouse is set to American time?

Dave Hall:
    ... Homer's butt is sticking out of the water during the couch
    ... Bart and Lisa have to climb up on the toilet to use it?
    ... the lack of toilet paper in the Simpson bathroom?
    ... how fast the toilet cistern seems to fill up with each flush?
    ... Homer drops his bar of soap in the shower?
    ... the fish plaques on the bathroom wall?
    ... the baseball cap hanging on the chair in Bart's bedroom isn't
    ... the smug look on Lisa's face?
    ... the penguin is a solid block of ice when it hits the research
    ... the research guy slams the phone on the control panel?
    ... the research station bathroom has a swing door that can't be
    ... the toilet paper in the research station is rolled over-handed?
    ... the floating public telephone has three phone books?
    ... Tobias is playing with the boomerang indoors?
    ... Bart throws the crumpled letter in the waste basket without
    ... Bart doesn't empty out his trash?
    ... Homer and Marge sitting holding hands?
    ... Homer doesn't know it hardly snows in Australia?
    ... the family unpacks way more clothes than they actually wear?
    ... the boomerang shaves a bit off Bart's hair?
    ... Bart sheds a tear?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, man on pennyfarthing, Gus, man observing
      effect of boomerang)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Tobias)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Antarctic man 2, aide in Chile, Bruno, marine, man
      with spoon, man with boomerang, souvenir store clerk, helicopter
    - Harry Shearer (Antarctic man 1, El Presidente, Adolf, Andy, Avril
      Ward, bartender, souvenir store owner)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Phil Hartman (Conover)
- Also Starring
- Pamela Hayden (international operator, Milhouse)

Movie (and other) references

  + "National Geographic"
    - Bart's dialing sounds like the theme from it
  + "The Rescuers Down Under" {mk}
    - identical to house Tobias lives in
  + Monty Python "Bruces" skit
    - collection agency address is "Sheepdip Court"
    - Bruces refer to sheep dip
  + "A Cry in the Dark"
    - Bart's line about a dingo eating your baby, just like what
      happened to Meryl Streep's character in the movie
  + "Crocodile Dundee"
    - "That's not a knife" line
  + The Michael Fay caning in Singapore incident
    - see comments section
  + "Mad Max 2"/"The Road Warrior" {cc}
    - Wez is in the mob chasing Bart and Homer
  + The fall of Saigon {aw}
    - scene with Simpsons entering the helicopter, just like American
      embassy staff in 1975
  + The cane toad infestation of Australia
    - see comments section
  + "Frogs" (bad 1972 sci fi movie starring Ray Milland) {jl}
    - similar pan past lots of frogs

Previous episode references

- [7F13] A prank gets Bart sent away from the USA {rl}
- [1F16] Bart's butt gets booted {ry}
- [2F01] the helicopter pilot appears {ddg}

Freeze frame fun

- The phone bill: {av}
    1/10    8:45 AM 16      DD      Santiago, Chile               $15.40
    1/10    9:03 AM 14      DD      Antarctica Naval Res. Station $21.43
    1/10    9:21 AM  8      DD      New Ouagadougou               $17.84
    1/10    9:34 AM 17      DD      Burkina Faso                  $29.02
    1/10    9:55 AM  9      DD      Unnamed Settlement            $38.41
    1/10    10:10AM 21      DD      Disputed Zone                 $38.19
    ("DD" means a daytime rate call---the most expensive there is).
- Envelope addresses: {mk}
 Office of the Prime Minister
 Government Bldg. Suite 1
 Canberra, Australia
 Collection Agency
 10 Sheepdip Ct.
 Sydney, N.S. Wales
- Letter to Bart: {dh}
 Mr. Bart Simpson
 742 Evergreen Terrance
 Springfield, USA
- First slide: {mk}
 Hurt Feelings of
- Slideshow: {av}
    - Crocodile Dundee (duh!)
    - Koala Blue, an Australian-themed boutique
    - Jacko, a crazed ex-Aussie Rules footballer who briefly plugged
      Energizer batteries
    - Subway's Vegemite sub (Subway never came out with a Vegemite sub;
      the yeast spread was made famous by Men at Work's 1983 hit "Down
    - Yahoo Serious Festival (Yahoo Serious came out with a film called
      "Young Einstein" about 1989 or so.  It was popular in Australia,
      but a bomb in the States)
    - Castro in the crosshairs labeled "Plan B"
- Stuff under the airport: {dh}
    - broken, cracked pipes
    - coffins
    - skeleton (died while trying to escape coffin)
    - coffins with dinosaur skeletons
    - Indian God Vishnu
    - Skylab pieces
    - broken, cracked pipes
- Sign at airport: {mk}
   Florae & Faunae
- Sign at embassy: {mk}
 Restroom  For
 Citizens Only
- Sign at cultural center: {mk}
 "Cart Your Arse
      On In"
- Sign at parliament: {mk}
 Parliament-haus der Austr^ia
- Sign: {mk}
 South O' The Equator
     Gift Shoppe
- Gift Shoppe sign: {mk}
  Pedro Sez:
  "Eet's High
- Label: {mk}
 [US eagle logo] 
 Made With Pride
  In the U.S.A.

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The shampoo bottle and toothpaste disappear from Bart and Lisa's hands.

There's no toilet paper in family bathroom.  {dh}

When Lisa uses hand motions to demonstrate "counterclockwise", her
finger goes clockwise.  {av}

I thought Lisa knew better: Coriolis effect does NOT determine which way
the toilets and sinks drain.  (see comments section) {ddg}

Singapore on Bart's globe is a whole Indonesian island.  It's only a
city, and farther west.  {av}

When Bart dials the 39-digit number, the first three digits are not 011;
they should be, for international calls from North America.

The research station bathroom door changes door type and the toilet
paper changes to being rolled under-handed.  {dh}

Would the operator connect Bart to just anyone in Australia?  {dh}

In the first split-screen shot between Bart and Tobias, there is a large
purple bar to the far right on Bart's side that covers up part of the
frame.  {mk}

Burkina Faso is in the Northern Hemisphere; why would Bart have called
there?  {njw}

Shouldn't Homer or Marge answer the phone at night instead of Bart?

I find it hard to believe no one notice Bart was receiving mail from
Australia.  Is Bart the only one who picks up the mail?  {dh}

The first hydro-electric plant was formed in Australia in 1893 in
Thargomindah, Queensland, not 30 years ago as claimed on the stamp --
and that stamp isn't 70 years old as "dollars and cents" weren't
introduced until 1966.  {ddg}

Conover doesn't have his slide stuff when he walks in the door.  {dh}

Conover plays around with a magically-appearing light switch.  {dh}

Scenery behind the couch changes when Conover states the train is
sailing.  {dh}

Conover's cup appears magically in his hand.  {dh}

Maggie's picture is missing from the front room.  {dh}

Australians really spell "flora" and "fauna" just like Americans do.

When Bart reads the "Now Entering Australia" sign, he's inside the
embassy, but in the next shot of him, he's outside it.  {mk}

The clothes Marge hangs up in the closet disappear in one scene.  {dh}

The flag Bart sees through the Embassy window has 14 stripes.  {ddg}

The statue depicts a prisoner as the first Prime Minister, but the first
Prime Minister was named in 1901 after the country was formed from the
independent colonies in much the same way as the USA was formed from
separate colonies.  {ddg}

Maggie disappears and reappears between Homer and Bart entering the
parliament and Marge and Lisa going to buy souvenirs.  {wp}

Part of Bart's hair is cut off by the boomerang, yet it immediately
grows back in time for the next scene.  {ddg}

Since when has Marge been less than supportive of Lisa's musical
interests?  (Except 1F17) {mk}

There are over 130 species of frogs in Australia, so the salesman should
have known what a frog was.  {ddg}

As someone who works for the U.S.  Navy, I can state with some
confidence that there is no such thing as a "Laundry Ship".  On top of
that, it would take months for even the fastest Navy ship to go from
Australia to the USA.  {ddg}


Duane Rollins: Ouch, that was the single worst Simpsons I've ever seen.
    It was hard to figure out what the hell it was trying to say, I mean
    if I want to here about caning or ecosystems I'll read Newsweek.

William J. Reis: I'm really starting to get worried about the way this
    season's going.  The comet episode seemed tolerable compared to this
    Australian mess.  No real belly laughs though I don't think there
    has ever been an episode which has not elicited a few solid chuckles
    if nothing else.  This one had the bare minimum.

Robert Matthews: I hope everyone thinks The Simpsons are back in form
    with the latest episode.  I thought it was a terrific one, with a
    coherent plot and seemingly hundreds of hilarious throwaway jokes.
    (The koala being electrocuted!  The penguin in an ice cube!  The
    lava death -- ust horrible!)

Benjamin Dreyfus: This one was good -- like I&S Land and Kamp Krusty, it
    showed the Simpsons outside of Springfield for the majority of the
    episode.  Although some of the jokes didn't work, there were lots of
    great moments.  I'll have to watch this one again, since I couldn't
    understand what the Australians were saying 26% of the time.

Alex Werner: This was my favorite episode this season...a solid A. There
    was an interesting and not completely predictable plot, and a number
    of funny gags and jokes.  I thought the biggest laugh was Lisa's
    response to "Yahoo Serious Festival".

Brett Walker: I really don't want to sound like a someone who can't take
    a joke but Bart vs. Australia really pissed me off.  The episode was
    kinda funny but I don't really appreciate my country being portrayed
    in such a poor and inaccurate way.

Stephen Schwartz: Message to all disgruntled Australians: We love your
    country.  We think it's really grand and filled with intelligent,
    good-hearted people.  Nary a single moron in the bunch.  But: THE

Aaron Varhola: Excellent.  The gags worked, the satire of the Singapore
    caning incident was dead-on, the pacing was perfect, and everyone
    was in character.  (I particularly liked Marge's protectiveness
    towards Bart).  Funny as hell, as well, and many gags only popped
    out on repeated viewings.  A+.

Evan Cantor: As one of those posters responsible for the Comet Sucks
    phenomenon, I must say that Bart Vs.  Australia, all serious
    commentary aside, is the best episode of the season so far.  I split
    my sides laughing and managed not to piss my pants in the process.

Marc Singer: A really funny show.  That scene in the bar just seemed a
    little stupid (and not at all funny), but the rest was fantastic.
    Bart being a scoundrel, the American need to have toilets draining
    "the American way," etc. were all terrific, and the sequence of Bart
    calling the Southern Hemisphere was brilliant.

Don Del Grande: B-minus - not a particularly funny story, although this
    may be in part to the fact that I was in Australia three years ago
    and I may have paid too much attention to things that just aren't
    true.  Telegraphing the ending didn't help matters much.

Chris Courtois: Let's see...A far-fetched, implausible plot, OFF acting
    out-of-character, really just a series of random Aussie gags...by
    all accounts this one should have sucked, and yet, and yet...it made
    me laugh, dammit!  A lot!!  And that's worth quite a bit in my book.
    I give it a B+.

Matthew Kurth: An episode that worked very hard at trying to be a
    classic, and indeed, it is pretty good.  But like "Bart's Comet", it
    lacks that little spark to lift it above the rest. 7.5/10

Yours truly: A fine episode about Down Under, improved for me by the
    fact that my parents are Australian and I'm well aware of the
    stereotypes, which were aptly portrayed here.  Nice Fay/caning
    parody, and Bart and Homer's worldly ignorance added a good deal of
    humor, too.  Grade: A-.

Comments and other observations

The Coriolis Effect

This is a real effect, but it isn't strong enough to affect the
    direction of water flow down a sink or bathtub.  Any claims to the
    contrary are urban legends and can be scientifically refuted.
    Please consult the sci.physics FAQ for more information.

Flight time analysis

Don Del Grande calculates, "The flight took 41 hours 15 minutes; the
    maximum time difference in USA winter is 19 hours (Pacific Standard
    Time is GMT-8; Eastern States Summer Time is GMT+11), so the flight
    itself took over 22 hours.  (This is plausible, if there were stops
    in, say, Honolulu and Auckland, and if Springfield is in the east,
    Los Angeles.)"  Having been to Australia five times, I can say that
    the usual trip goes Los Angeles to Honolulu to Fiji to Sydney.  A
    stop in Aukland would be slightly unusual, in my opinion.  The last
    time I flew, in August 1993, it was Los Angeles to Sydney direct, 14
    hours straight, on a 767.

Singapore references

Aaron Varhola notes, "A significant portion of the episode parodied the
    caning of Michael Fay, an 18-year old American who was arrested and
    caned in Singapore this past summer for vandalizing cars."  He also
    says, "The Australian flag is a veiled Singapore reference as well.
    Singapore's flag has five stars above a moon, in white on a red
    field, with a white field underneath the red.  The Australian flag
    shown in the episode also have five stars above a moon, so to

The cane toads

Tony Whittaker explains, "They released them in Queensland about 60
    years ago to eat a cane beetle which had been devastating the sugar
    crop.  Unfortunately they forgot the beetle could fly while the toad
    wasn't too good in getting off the ground.  Hence it wasn't too
    successful in killing off the beetle...The toads have no predators,
    can eat almost anything and breed at an amazing rate.  They've
    spread across about 1/4 of Australia since then and are a huge

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]

Bart and Lisa kneel on either side of the sink, squeezing bottles into

 Bart: Go, toothpaste, go!  Move your pasty white butt.
 Lisa: Come on, shampoo!  You can do it!
        [both swirl down the sink, shampoo first]
       Yay!  I won your stupid bathroom products race.
 Bart: No fair!  You only won because you had the inside track.  If the
       water was spinning the other way --
 Lisa: It _never_ spins the other way.  In the Northern hemisphere,
       water always drains counterclockwise.  It's called the Coriolis
 Bart: No way.  Water doesn't obey your _rules_: it goes where it
       wants...like me, babe.
 Lisa: Yes, _Bart_...why don't you try it and see?
        [Bart turns the tap on; water swirls counterclockwise]
 Bart: I _know_ I've seen it go the other way.  Ah, faithful toilet:
       you'll prove me right.
        [flushes it repeatedly; groans as it swirls counterclockwise]
Homer: [elsewhere] I'm a singin' in the show --!  Ow!  Hot...aah!  Cold!
       Oh!  Hot!  Cold!  Hot!  Oh!  Who's...doing...that?
Marge: [walking into upstairs bathroom, seeing Bart pushing the water
       the other way] Oh, for Pete's sake, Bart, use the plunger!
-- Marge, uncharacteristically, misinterprets Bart's behavior, "Bart vs.

Lisa continues to try to explain the observed phenomenon to her less-
than-brilliant brother.

Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern hemisphere.
Bart: What the hell is the "Southern hemisphere"?
Lisa: [sighs] Haven't you ever looked at your globe?
       [said globe is still wrapped for Bart's birthday from Abe]
Lisa: [pointing] See, the Southern hemisphere is made up of everything
      below the equa --
       [stops, sees Bart looking blankly]
      -- this line.
Bart: Hmm.  [spins globe] So down there in, say, Argentina, or...[reads
      logo] Rand McNally, all their water runs backwards?
Lisa: Uh huh.  In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet
      and hamburgers eat people.
Bart: Cool!
-- Impressionable youth, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart grabs the phone book and looks under "International Dialing".  He
dials 577562374257635623567462357736257635725 (those darn country codes)
for Antarctica and awaits an answer.

 Bart: Hello, Southern hemisphere?  Which way does the water go in your
Man 1: [sighs] Just a minute, I'll check.
        [walks into bathroom; toilet water is frozen]
Man 2: [walking in with a magazine] Aw, nuts.
-- Bart checks with Antarctica, "Bart vs. Australia"

Next, Bart dials a palatial-looking building in a jungle.  {The view of
the building is cut for one second.}

      Aide: Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el
      Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
      Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!
Presidente: Ay, caramba!  Then the rebels will soon take the capital.  I
            must flee!  [dives out window]
-- Bart checks with Argentina, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart rues his luck.

 Bart: I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
        [tries another number]
        [a phone rings in a car in a foreign country]
Adolf: Eine minuten, eine minuten!  [ringing stops]
       Ach!  Das facken phone ist ein...nuisance phone!
  Man: [riding by on penny farthing bicycle] Buenos notches, mein
Adolf: Ja, Ja.
-- Bart checks with Argentina, "Bart vs. Australia"

A pay phone sticking out of a sea of lava rings.  A man sitting on the
roof of his house floats by; he reaches for the phone but falls
screaming into the lava.

    Lisa: [walking in] Bart, you can't actually _call_ these places.
          Don't you know how expensive international calls are?
    Bart: [dials] Hello, Operator?  I'd like to make a collect call to
           [in Australia, a phone rings; a koala electrocutes itself]
Operator: This is the international operator.  Will you accept a collect
          call from --
    Bart: [lowering voice] Uh, yes.  Uh, ahem, this is Dr. Bart Simpson
          of the International Drainage Commission.  It's an emergency.
  Tobias: If it's an emergency, then.
    Bart: We understand some drains in your area have been
          malfunctioning, sucking in people and...whatnot.
  Tobias: Willikers!  That's awful.
    Bart: [gravely] Indeed.  We need you to check your sinks and toilets
          and tell us which way the water is going, and please!  Stand
           [Tobias checks sink and toilet]
  Tobias: [breathless] The fixtures...they're all draining clockwise,
    Bart: D'oh, she was right, stupid Lisa science queen.
-- Bart forgets his sisters' mental superiority, "Bart vs. Australia"

    Bart: Look, why don't you just check your neighbor's drains?  I'll
           [Tobias rides trike off down long dirt road]
Milhouse: [at the window] Hey, Bart!  The bakery caught fire and all of
          downtown smells like cookies!  Wanna go smell?
    Bart: Yes...yes, I do.  [leaves phone off hook]
           [later that night, Bart walks back into the kitchen]
           ["Hello!  Sir!  Sir!" is heard from phone, still off the
    Bart: [picking up phone] Huh?
  Tobias: I've returned from the Koolamuggerys' place...they're draining
          clockwise too!
    Bart: Draining?  I don't care about that any more.
  Tobias: Are we in any dang --
           [Bart hangs up]
-- Short Attention Span Simpson, "Bart vs. Australia"

"Three Weeks Later," says a caption on the screen, as Homer sits on the
couch and reads a phone bill.

Homer: Burkina Faso?  Disputed Zone?  Who called all these weird places?
Brain: Quiet, it might be you!  I can't remember.
Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
Brain: No, no!  Why embarrass us both?  Just write a check and I'll
       release some more endorphins.
        [Homer scribbles a check, then sighs with pleasure]
-- Bart's tomfoolery is paid for once again, "Bart vs. Australia"

In Australia, however, the picture isn't nearly so rosy.

 Bruno: Nine hundred dollary-doos?  Tobias!  Did you accept a six hour
        collect call from the States?
Tobias: It was an emergency call from the International Drainage
        Commission in Springfield.
 Bruno: Oh my God!  There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?
-- A fate worse than death, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart's phone rings in the middle of the night.

 Bart: [sleepy] Hello?
Bruno: Right!  I'm calling all the way from Squatter's Crog, Australia
       and I want to speak to, er, Dr. Bart Simpson right now.
 Bart: Uh...[plugs nose] hold, please.
Bruno: All right, but I don't --
 Bart: [low voice] Payroll, Bert Stanton speaking.
Bruno: Oy!  I said "Bart Simpson".  What kind of a company is this?
 Bart: [high voice] Bart Simpson's office.
Bruno: Thank the great good Lord.  Look, I was just say --
 Bart: One moment please.  [hums "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head"]
Bruno: Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo?  Bleedin'
       yanks, I oughta --
 Bart: This is Bart Simpson.  Can I help you, ma'am?
Bruno: Yeah, er -- hey!  My name is Bruno Drundridge, right?  You owe me
       $900, mate.
 Bart: No, you owe _me_ $900!
Bruno: [stammers] I...you...ooh!  You're just some punk kid, aren't you?
       Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate.
 Bart: [chuckles] I don't think so.  You're all the way in Australia.
       Hey!  I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.  [hangs up]
-- Bart cries in the dark, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bruno: Ooh!  Ah, that's it.  I'm going to report this to me member of
       parliament.  [yells out window] Hey, Gus!  I got something to
       report to you.
        [Gus tends his swine]
  Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is!  I want to take this all the way
       to the Prime Minister.
        [they go down to a lake]
       Hey!  Mr. Prime Minister!  Andy!
 Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates!  What's
       the good word?
-- The Australian governmental structure, "Bart vs. Australia"

In the US, Bart receives a letter: "Mr. Simpson, blah blah,
misrepresentation over telephone, yatta yatta, sincerely, some
Australian jerk."  Bart crumples it and tosses it into his garbage bin.
It's joined later by many more similar envelopes, each with an
increasingly dire warning stamped on the outside.  Finally, Bart's
garbage bin is full of letters, and he uses Lisa's saxophone to compress

 Lisa: Hey, I need that!  [grabs her saxophone]
        [looks at letters in garbage] Office of the Solicitor General?
       Office of the Prime Minister?  Hopping Mad Collection Agency?
       What is all this stuff?
 Bart: Nothing.  Some stupid country thinks I owe them money.
 Lisa: Uh oh.  Bart, you better talk to Mom and Dad about this.
 Bart: [walking into TV room] Hey, guys?  Just so you don't hear any
       wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: [scoffs] That's no reason to block the TV.
Marge: Oh my...
-- Homer, to the point as usual, "Bart vs. Australia"

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:14]

Bart's parents question his actions.

Marge: Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a $900
       collect call?
 Bart: Yes, 'm.
Homer: [looking at globe] Hmm, there it is: Aus-tra-li-a.  I'll be
       damned.  [spins globe, laughs] Look at this country!  ["Uruguay"]
       U-R-Gay.  [laughs]
-- Homer, phonetic reader, "Bart vs. Australia"

An official-looking limousine pulls up in front of the house.  The
doorbell rings, and Marge answers it.

Conover: Oh, my.  Hello, I'm Evan Conover with the US State Department.
         [hands Marge his card]
  Marge: [reading] "Undersecretary for International Protocol: Brat and
         Punk Division."
Conover: Unfortunately, Bart, your little escapade could not have come
         at a worse time.  [sets up screen] Americo-Australianian
         relations are at an all-time low.
          [talks over a slide show]
         As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980s the US experienced
         a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture.  For some
         bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent
         thing.  Of course, it wasn't.
          [a slide shows "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
   Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.
Conover: Anyway, the Down Under fad fizzled and the diplomatic climate
         turned absolutely frosty.
          [a slide shows Castro in crosshairs: "Cuba Plan B"]
         Oops, let's pretend we didn't see this.  [swallows slide]
-- The US takes an unsavory route?  No, "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover: And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further.
  Homer: Oh, he'll agitate you.  Ho, ho!  He sure will.
          [laughs heartily, then less so, then sighs]
         What can we do for you?
Conover: Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money, but as a sign
         of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like to imprison
         Bart for five years.
  Homer: [thinks briefly] That's tough but fair.  Boy, go with the man.
  Marge: [holds Bart to her] No, no, no!  No!  I'm not going to have my
         son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia.  You'll
         just have to find some other country to have relations with.
Conover: You're sure, now?  The prison train is sailing.
          [Marge hugs Bart tighter]
         OK, I'm not hearing a lot of support for prison.
-- "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover: There _is_ one other option: they'll drop the charges if Bart
         makes a public apology in Australia.
  Homer: All Bart has to do is apologize and we get a free trip to
Conover: Mm, hmm.
   Bart: I can handle that: I'm an expert at phony apologies.
  Marge: [reproachful] Bart!
   Bart: [with phony sincerity] I'm sorry.
  Marge: That's better.
   Bart: Heh heh heh...
-- Bart, master of deceit, "Bart vs. Australia"

So the family take a flight on Transhemispheric Airlines.  The camera
pans through a cross section of the Earth, past coffins for humans and
dinosaurs, through the center of the planet where Vishnu operates
machinery and wipes sweat from his brow.

The family arrive at customs looking bedraggled.

Homer: Oh.  We left at 1:30pm Monday.  What time is it now?
 Lisa: It's 6:45am next Wednesday.  You may also be interested to know
       that it's summer here, not winter.
Homer: Oh!  [throws his sled away]
 Bart: What does that sign say?  ["Advisory: foreign florae and faunae
       prohibited!"]  I thought they spoke English here!
 Lisa: It says you can't bring in outside plants or animals.  Any
       foreign creature you bring in could upset the environmental
 Bart: Oh.  [removes toad from bag] Sorry, girl.  I don't want to get
       into any more trouble down here.  I'll pick you up on the way
       home.  [puts it on the edge of a fountain]
-- Bart, ecosystem havoc-wreaker, "Bart vs. Australia"

At the US embassy, the family walk inside the wrought-iron gates.  Homer
spots a marine standing guard.

 Homer: Hey!  Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh
        or smile or anything?  [makes noises and faces at him]
         [gets punched in the face] Ow!
Marine: No, Sir!  US Marine Corps, Sir!
-- Hello, Joker, "Bart vs. Australia"

The room at the embassy where the family get to stay is luxurious.

  Homer: Oh, yeah, this is the life!  Boy, next summer can you commit
         some fraud in Orlando, Florida?
   Bart: I'm way ahead of you, Dad.
Conover: [walking in] Kno-ock!  Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our
         ambassador, the honorable Avril Ward.
   Ward: Hello.  Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology.  Mr.
         Conover will meet you at the parliament house at three p.m.
   Bart: Yeah, do the toilets go backwards in here?
   Ward: No.  To combat homesickness, we've installed a device that
         makes them swirl the correct American way.
          [he flushes the toilet]
          [it swirls one way, then a machine kicks in and makes it swirl
         the other way]
  Homer: [singing] Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing...[weeps]
-- A moment of patriotism, "Bart vs. Australia"

The family walk out of the embassy.  Bart passes a sign saying "Now
Entering Australia."

  Bart: Hey, G.I.Joe: your sign's broken.  We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir!
 Homer: Really?  Look, boy, now I'm in Australia...[hops over the line]
        Now I'm in America...Australia!  America!
  Bart: I get it, Dad.
 Homer: Australia!  America!
 Marge: Homer, that's enough!
 Homer: Australia!  America!  [gets punched] Ow!
Marine: Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!
-- Laying down the law, "Bart vs. Australia"

At the Cultural Centre, Marge reads the plaque at the base of a statue
of a man who looks like Snake.

Marge: "Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British
       convicts"!  Oh, Lisa, watch your camera.
        [Lisa turns around to see a group of people reaching for it;
       they back off sheepishly and turn to another tourist]
-- Criminals, the lot of them, "Bart vs. Australia"

The family decide to eat a little at a local pub.

           [Bart flicks a pocket knife open and closed repeatedly]
      Man: You call that a knife?  _This_ is a knife.
     Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
      Man: All right, all right, you win, heh.  I see you've played
           Knifey-Spooney before.
    Homer: [to bartender] Hey!  Give me one of those famous giant beers
           I've heard so much about.
            [bartender puts a huge beer in front of him]
Bartender: Something wrong, yank?
    Homer: No.  It's pretty big...I guess.
    Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer, it is.
    Marge: No, I said "coffee".
Bartender: "Beer"?
    Marge: [slowly] Coff-ee.
Bartender: Be-er?
    Marge: C -- O --
Bartender: B -- E --
-- Selective hearing, "Bart vs. Australia"

Conover stands with the family on the front steps of the parliament

Marge: We'll meet you boys back here for dinner.  Good luck, honey.
       [kisses Bart]
 Lisa: Bart, I'm sorry I'm going to miss your public humiliation, but
       the Wolumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up!
-- Bart prepares to apologize, "Bart vs. Australia"

They walk off.  Inside the building, Tobias and his father step up to
greet Homer and Bart.  A man bangs a gavel.

 Andy: Hear ye, hear ye.  This session will now come to order.  With the
       cooperation of the US Department of State, we have present today
       one Bart Simpson.
        [everyone mutters amongst themselves]
       I believe he has something to say.  Bart?
 Bart: [goes to microphone, scratches, clears throat several times]
       I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for what I did to your country.
        [everyone applauds]
 Andy: [jovial] Well, you're free to go, Bart...right after your
       additional punishment.
Homer: Punishment?
 Andy: Well, a mere apology would be a bit empty, eh?  Let the booting
Homer: Booting?
 Andy: Aw, it's just a little kick in the bum.
        [a man with a gigantic boot walks in]
 Bart: Y'uh oh.
-- Little meaning big, that is, "Bart vs. Australia"

{The act ends two seconds sooner.}

[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:19]

The man with the large boot walks menacingly up to Bart.

  Homer: What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant
Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush!  Disparaging the boot is a bootable
         offense.  It's one of their proudest traditions.
          [Australian flag shows a union jack, the boot, and a butt]
          [Bart is bent over by the Andy; the boot man winds up]
  Homer: You sold us out, Conover!  [breaks free]
          [pulls boot off boot man, threatens others with it]
          [puts boot on, grabs Andy]
         Stand back, or I'll boot your Prime Minister!  I'll do it, so
         help me God I'll boot him!
         When will you Australians learn?  In America we _stopped_ using
         corporal punishment, and things have never been better!  The
         streets are safe.  Old people strut confidently through the
         darkest alleys.  And the weak and nerdy are admired for their
         computer-programming abilities.  So, like us, let your children
         run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, "Let your
         children run wild and free."
-- Homer mounts the soapbox, "Bart vs. Australia"

"Now, boy!  Run back to the embassy, back to American soil" yells Homer,
smashing the window with the boot and running out.

Man 1: I'll stop them!
        [throws a boomerang which skims Bart's hair]
       Oh, no!  It's coming back this way!
Man 2: That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us.
 Bart: [spying a kangaroo] Hey!  We can get away in their pouches.
        [tries to climb in]
       Ew!  It's not like in cartoons.
Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.
-- Mmm, pouch mucus, "Bart vs. Australia"

Meanwhile, in a souvenir store...

 Lisa: Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right?  Well I want the
       didgeridoo.  [plays it]
Marge: Mmm, that seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir.  Mmm,
       why don't you get this nice cap?  ["Pobody's Nerfect in
       Australia"] It's clever...just like you.  Hmm?  Hmm?
Owner: [sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out!  Shoo, shoo.
       Get out of here, yuck!  These bloody things are everywhere.
       They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all
       over the malonga gilderchuck.
Clerk: They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.
Marge: We have them in America.  They're called bullfrogs.
Clerk: What?  That's an odd name.  I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".
-- Ah, the wacky Australian faunae, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart and Homer run past the store at high speed; Lisa and Marge join
them in their frantic race back to the embassy, a whole hoard of police
and angry citizens in their wake.  Ward sees them approaching.  "Oh, the
Simpsons.  Well, they're not getting back in here."  He pushes a button
to close the embassy gate, but it stops working when the gate is closed
half way.  The Simpsons run in anyway as two marines close the gate the
rest of the way by hand.

In the bedroom again, Marge is incensed.

  Marge: I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that!
         I'm must say, I'm very angry at the State Department right now.
   Ward: Yes, but Mrs. Simpson, please: we're about to reach a
         breakthrough with the Aussies.
Conover: [on the phone] Then it's agreed: during the bargaining session,
         we each get two candy apples...all right, one candy and one
  Marge: Oh, for the love of criminy!  Gimme that.  [grabs phone]
         Look, I know Bart did something wrong, but he's my son, and
         _I'm_ going to punish him myself.  Our countries may have their
         differences, but as human beings, I think we can all agree,
         there's no substitute for the discipline of a loving parent...
         [listens] He wants to talk to you.
Conover: Y'ello?  Mm hmm...so we're in agreement.  She won't be allowed
         near the phone again.
  Marge: Mmm...
-- "Bart vs. Australia"

Later on, Conover and Ward walk back in.

    Ward: We _did_ it!  We've worked out a compromise that will allow
          both nations to save face.
 Conover: We've argued them down to...a booting.
Everyone: What?!
    Ward: The Prime Minister just wants to kick you once, through the
          gate, with a regular shoe.
 Conover: I believe it's a wingtip.
   Marge: No deal!  This is my son we're talking about.  Sure, he's not
          perfect, but who is in this workaday world?
    Bart: Mom, wait!
           [he goes to look at the toilet swirling machine]
          It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.
-- Bart, stoic in valor, "Bart vs. Australia"

Bart walks over to the gate as the assembled crowd mutters.

 Lisa: [weepy] Thank you, Bart.  I promise I won't make fun of you later
       for this.
Homer: [sniffs] Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son.
        [the Prime Minister shines his shoe]
        [Bart bends over in front of him, on the other side of the gate]
 Andy: That's it, lad: this is for the Commonwealth of Australia.
        [winds up; Bart moves out of the way just in time]
 Bart: And _this_ is for the United States of America!
        [moons them: "Don't tread on me" is written on his butt]
        [hums "The Star Spangled Banner" while waving it at them]
-- Patriotic until the last, "Bart vs. Australia"

The crowd, frenzied, breaks down the metal gate and charges Bart.
Everyone runs inside the embassy just in time.  A helicopter swoops down
to the roof to rush the family away.

Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more
       tasteful way to be patriotic.
 Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
-- In the aftermath of the mooning, "Bart vs. Australia"

Two marines take down the US flag, fold it, and eat it (presumably to
prevent it from being desecration).  The family get in the helicopter
just in time as the Prime Minister calls, "All right, mates, let 'em
have it!"  The assembled crowd toss their cans of Fosters' at the

Homer: Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier?
Pilot: No, Sir, the closest vessel in the USS Walter Mondale.  It's a
       laundry ship.  They'll take you the rest of the way.
        [shot shows frogs destroying all the crops]
Homer: Hey, look!  Those frogs are eating all their crops.
        [everyone starts laughing]
 Lisa: Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species into
       an ecosystem that can't handle them.
        [everyone laughs more]
        [a lone koala holds onto the helicopter with determination]
-- Imminent koala infestation of the US predicted, "Bart vs. Australia"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:38]

The music over the credits has a didgeridoo playing underneath a
background of flutes, drums, violins, and guitars.  A didgeridoo plays
instead of the regular music over the Gracie Films logo, too.


   {cc}  Chris Courtois
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {jl}  John Laviolette
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
   {aw}  Alex Werner
   {njw} Neil Wolfish
   {ry}  Bob Yantosca
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)