[2F12] Homer the Clown

Homer the Clown                                    Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                    Directed by David Silverman
Production code: 2F12                       Original airdate in N.A.: 12-Feb-95
                                                  Capsule revision D, 21-Jul-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- Next time it could be me on the scaffolding.
              Next time it could be me on the scaff/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family are sitting in midair on an invisible couch
              when the couch runs in and assembles itself on top of
              them, making them collapse.  Recycled from 1F22.

Did you notice...

Tony Hill:
    ... Homer buys MSG in bulk?
    ... the flowered wallpaper?
    ... Krusty and Skinner patronize the same restaurant?
    ... Krusty is able to move Homer with one hand?

Dave Hall:
    ... Maggie's pacifier pops out of her mouth in the couch scene?
    ... Krusty throws away a lit hundred dollar bill?
    ... the toy Krusty shooting Sideshow Mel out of a cannon?
    ... Krusty smokes Laramie cigarettes?
    ... the Krusty star on his dressing room door?
    ... Krusty butts out an almost whole cigarette?
    ... Krusty lights another cigarette and throws it away?
    ... the crow call during the SNPP establishing shot?  (first in a
        long time)
    ... Maggie the Clown?
    ... the flag on top of Homer's potato sculpture?
    ... Homer needs someone to dress him?
    ... the mouse hole at Krusty's Clown College?
    ... two hair strands is how you can tell Krusty and Homer apart?
    ... this is the second episode to have a birthday for Milhouse?
        (cf. 8F04)
    ... the Krusty face on Homer's car gets smashed by the tree?
    ... Milhouse's Dad works at the Cracker Factory?
    ... Lenny is usually holding something whenever we see him at SNPP?
    ... Homer's bucket of house paint is yellow?
    ... Louie is a bad shot, even with a scope on the rifle?
    ... Krusty's head is bandaged up except for a fluff of hair on top?
    ... Ned carries a Bible on his person?

Don Del Grande:
    ... "Bart, Lisa, and Maggie the Klowns" have hair the same white
        color as their faces?
    ... Chief Wiggum has black hair (once again)?
    ... there's a "Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey" game at Milhouse's party?
    ... a sign in the Kwik-E-Mart reads "Duff Beer Suitcase"?
    ... at Luigi's, Lisa is wearing white socks?
    ... fat Tony's limousine has no front license plate?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Krusty, Homer, truck driver, New Hampshireite,
      Estonian burglar, mobster at clown college, Vittorio)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, child at Krusty Burger, Ralph)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Georgian, Russian, Krusty Burger emcee, Carl, Wiggum,
      Apu, Luigi, Legs, car salesman)
    - Harry Shearer (Bill, Lenny, Texan 1, Texan 2, man at graduation,
      Ace Awards announcer, Louie, plastic surgeon, Flanders)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Dick Cavett (himself)
    - Joe Mantegna (Fat Tony)
    - Johnny Unitas (himself)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (woman on intercom, Angelique, Milhouse)

Movie (and other) references

  + "In Living Color" {ddg}, {rl}
    - episode title refers to "Homie the Clown" character whose
      trademark line is "Homie don't play that"
  + "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" {th}
    - Homer builds a circus tent out of mashed potatoes, just like
      Richard Dreyfuss does
  + Jack Benny's "Train leaving on track nine" sketch {klb}
    - Krusty saying "Cucamonga" similar to the sketch
  + McDonald's restaurants {ddg}
    - Krusty burglar a take-off of the Hamburglar
  + the Menendez brothers' trial {bt}
    - the defendants in the trial claimed to have purchased ammo at a
      Big 5, even though they no longer sell ammunition
    the Teddy Roosevelt assassination attempt {mk}
    - Roosevelt foiled an attempt with some speech notes in his breast
    "Batman" {dh}
    Twilight Zone, "Eye of the Beholder" {el}
    - the plastic surgery scene: slowly removing the bandages, camera
      panning from behind the bandage
  + "Prizzi's Honor" {kt}
    - Don Vittorio based on William Hickey's character, Don Corrado

Previous episode references

- [8F03] Fat Tony and his boys appear {dh}
- [8F03], [1F19] Willie Nelson is mentioned {dh}
- [8F04] Milhouse has a birthday party {dh}
- [9F04] Dick Cavett and Woody Allen are mentioned {dh}
- [9F05] Krusty eats the eggs of a bird other than a chicken
- [9F21] Action Comics #1 (the first Superman comic) appears {bdp}
- [1F14] Homer does cartwheels {ddg}
- [1F15] Buying a clean house to replace a dirty one is suggested
- [1F16] The midget from Estonia appears {dh}
- [1F18], [1F21] Luigi the chef appears {dh}

Freeze frame fun

- Sign: {mk}
Hosted By Dick Cavett
- Some kids at Milhouse's birthday party: {dh}
    - Milhouse
    - Bart
    - Janey
    - Sherri or Terri
    - Ralph
- Some Krusty products: {dh}
    - Monopoly board game
    - crowd control barrier
    - wall poster
    - toy cannon
    - toothbrush and toothpaste
    - wall clock
    - lunch box

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

The sign behind the audience at Krusty's show says "KRUSTY THE CLOWN";
also, the name of the college is "KRUSTY'S CLOWN COLLEGE".  Surely
Krusty would spell these with K's normally?  {ddg}

The necklace appears out of thin air on Krusty's desk.  {dh}

How did Krusty set the pearls on fire?  {th}

Maggie's high chair is up against the dining room table in some scenes.

Homer doesn't have his ID card in some SNPP scenes.  {dh}

Homer did better cartwheels in 7F05 and 1F14.  {ddg}

How come nobody notices that Homer sounds nothing like Krusty and he's
missing the tuft of hair on top of his head?  {ddg}

Milhouse really had no reason to gloat about having Krusty over at his
party -- Bart already had Krusty over for dinner at his place in 8F04.

Janey and Ralph aren't really Milhouse's friends, so it's unlikely they
would be at Milhouse's birthday party.  {dh}

Homer didn't get "free stuff" at the Kwik-E-Mart; what made him think
he'd get "free stuff" at Luigi's?  {ddg}

It hasn't happened in over 20 years, but the Generals _have_ beaten the
Globetrotters.  {ddg}

The Globetrotter kicked the ball backwards into a basket - that's the
Generals' basket, isn't it?  (BTW, you only get 2 points if your
opponents shoot a "3-point shot" into your basket.)  {ddg}

Why would Krusty want to take the bus home from Switzerland?  {th}

Homer's flower magically appears on his chest, and on the wrong side
too.  {dh}

Homer makes it halfway around the loop; he should have fallen straight
down, not circled around backwards.  {ddg}

Homer is right handed in this episode.  {dh}


Tony Hill: This ep was pretty hilarious.  Krusty and Homer's bike ride
    was the best slapstick we've had since the waiter gag in "The Boy
    Who Knew Too Much."  But the plot after Krusty fled the gangsters
    was unusually predictable for OFF.  I give it a B.

Bailey Irwin: The premise was clever and original, the characterizations
    were sharp for a change, but most of all the gags were BRILLIANT
    (the Dick Cavett bit is one of the funniest things this show has
    ever done).  The final third got a little too absurd, but on the
    whole the slapstick was hilarious.  My grade: A-.

Eric Lin: Not the greatest episode, but entertaining.  I like the bullet
    shortage bit, the Harlem Globetrotter bit, and the Homer's bare butt
    bit.  Very hilarious.

Dave Hall: If an episode had to capture the feel of a 3rd season
    episode, this episode comes close.  With the exception of the breast
    gag, nothing bothered me.  I rate this episode a 10.  I haven't
    laughed so hard since Homer's love post card and the swear scenes in

David Crowe: I have just finished watching Homer the Clown (for the
    second time) and am glad to notice that twisted humor is finding its
    way back into the Simpsons.

Scott Fujimoto: Didn't have strong feelings either for or against the
    episode.  It did have some laughs, unlike a lot of other recent eps,
    but the whole storyline was pretty uninteresting, at least until
    Homer got kidnapped by Fat Tony.  An average episode for Season Six.
    Grade: C

Marc Singer: Episodes like this one are the reason why I keep watching
    the show, even after episode's like last week's Bart's Crap...er,
    Comet.  See, if you keep bitching about the bad ones long enough,
    they make some good ones.

Dave Zembower: Man oh man, I tell you, this season has just been
    miserable!!  Bart's Comet episode was lame, the Stonecutters episode
    was worse (poor Jean-Luc Picard!), but this Homie the Clown just
    capped it off!!  The entire premise was horrible.

Don Del Grande: C - all of the things the critics of "Bart's Comet"
    complained about applied in this episode.  There's just no way to
    make an amusing "let's try to kill the main character" episode.  And
    did Swartzwelder run out of decent gags or something?  He certainly
    ran out of endings.

Matthew Kurth: Hmm, what?  Sorry, I fell asleep.  Duller than something
    very dull indeed. 5.5/10

Yours Truly: Another Swartzwelder disappointment.  Fat Tony's return
    seemed so promising, but the plot was contrived.  Homer becomes a
    clown?  Come off it.  I guess fresh ideas are hard to come up with
    after a while.  Grade: D.

Comments and other observations

Famous people mentioned in this episode

Tony Hill says, "Bea Arthur, star of `Maude' and `The Golden Girls,' is
    alive and well, as the accountant was about to say.
    George Carlin was involved in a lawsuit that went to the U.S.
    Supreme Court in the 1970s.  The court upheld the FCC's ban on seven
    words which may not be broadcast.  The seven words were the
    centerpiece of a hilarious monologue by Carlin.
    Steve Martin, of course, popularized the expression `Well,
    excuuuuuse me' in the 1970s, on his `Let's Get Small' album, I
    Tom Bosley played Howard Cunningham on `Happy Days,' as is well
    known.  `Happy Days' produced three spinoffs, two of which were
    long-running hits.  `Joanie Loves Chachi' was the other one.  Scott
    `Chachi' Baio has since gone on to widespread critical acclaim with
    the title role in `Charles in Charge.'"

Funny place names

Tony Hill notes, "Walla Walla and Seattle are in Washington, Keokuk is
    in Iowa, and Cucamonga is in California.  The last is most famous
    for being part of Mel Blanc's train conductor call in `The Jack
    Benny Show': `Train now leaving at track seven for Anaheim, Azusa,
    and Cuc-(long pause)-amonga.'"

"Starsky and Hutch"

Tony Hill explains that this "was a crime drama which ran for four
    seasons in the 1970s.  (Lot of 70s in this episode, isn't there?)
    Huggy Bear was an undercover informant played by Antonio Fargas."

The True Cross

Flanders is protected from injury a second time by a piece of wood he
    claims to have from the True Cross.  It is not uncommon for people
    to have such pieces of wood, which they claim are pieces of the
    cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified.  Don Del Grande quips,
    "If you put all of the `pieces of the True Cross' people own
    together, you would probably have more than enough to make crosses
    for the two men crucified alongside Jesus as well."

The music played by Homer's head

Tony Hill writes, "`Speak Softly Love,' the Love Theme from `The
    Godfather,' was composed by Nino Rota with words by Larry Kusik.  It
    was a hit record for Andy Williams in 1972 and was introduced in the
    film by Al Martino."

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]

It's the Krusty the Klown Show.  Krusty rides out on a bicycle, in front
of the camera and off to the side.  He rides back on a smaller bike,
then a smaller one still, then a smaller one still, until he's riding a
bicycle no more than six inches tall.  He does a loop-the-loop around a
metal track without falling off, then poses triumphantly on one knee,
tossing the bicycle into the air and swallowing it.  The children cheer

Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away.
Bart: Yes.  He can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle
      and make it funny.
-- Bart and Lisa marvel at the Klown, "Homer the Clown"

"See you tomorrow, kids!"  Krusty laughs, "but before I go, I'd just
like to say --" He opens his mouth and a bicycle bell rings.  The
children cheer; Krusty waves as the curtain falls.  Once it falls, his
grin turns somber.  He pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

Krusty: Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette...unless it's a
        cigarette lit with a $100 bill!
         [tosses a burning $100 bill away]
         [hands bundles of cash to his aides] Put five thousand bucks on
        the Lakers.  Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator.  My
        house is dirty; buy me a clean one.
         [walks into his office, closes the door]
  Bill: Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you your spending --
Krusty: Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
  Bill: [exasperated] Yes, but she's still --
Krusty: I don't want to hear the end of any sentences!
 Woman: [over intercom] George Carlin on three.
Krusty: [answers it] Yeah?...Lawsuit?  Oh, come on.  My "Seven Words You
        Can't Say on TV" bit was _entirely_ different from _your_ "Seven
        Words You Can't Say on TV" bit.  ...So I'm a thief, am I?  Well,
        excuuuse me!  [to his accountant] Give him ten grand.
 Woman: Steve Martin on four.
Krusty: Ten grand.
-- Krusty learns the value of paying people off, "Homer the Clown"

Just then, Fat Tony walks into Krusty's office, two of his henchmen in

  Tony: Krusty, with regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's
        horse race --
Krusty: Aw, come on, let -- how about letting me go double or nothing on
        the big opera tonight?
  Tony: Who do you like?
Krusty: The tenor!
  Tony: [thinks] OK.  But we're only letting the bet ride because you
        crack us so consistently up.
-- Krusty's gambling racketeers, "Homer the Clown"

Fat Tony and his men leave.

     Bill: You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.
   Krusty: No can do.
            [lights a cigarette with an original Superman comic]
     Bill: And those ridiculous bets you make...gambling is the finest
           thing a person can do _if_ he's good at it, but you haven't
           won anything in months.
   Krusty: So?  I'll just make some more money.  Crank out some cheesy
     Bill: But you've already merchandised everything: Krusty's Monopoly
           Game, the Krusty Krowd Kontrol Barrier..._nothing_ is selling
           any more, not even your new Lady Krusty line.
   Krusty: But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day!
            [flips TV on]
            [a woman goes over her upper lip with a chomping Krusty
           shaver-type thing]
   Johnny: So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache Removal
           System now, Angelique?
Angelique: It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas.  But is my upper lip
           supposed to bleed like this?
   Johnny: Probably.
-- Truth in advertising, "Homer the Clown"

  Bill: At this rate you'll be broke in a month.  The only thing left to
        do is...open a Clown College and train some regional Krustys.
Krusty: You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?
  Bill: Exactly.
Krusty: Forget it.  I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes.
        Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
  Bill: I'll found the college tomorrow.
         [Krusty lights a cigarette with a string of pearls]
-- Endangered omelettes, "Homer the Clown"

In the middle of driving down the highway, Homer skids to a halt in
front of a billboard.

 Homer: [gasps] It must be the first of the month: new billboard day!
         [a car-carrying truck stops behind him]
         [a bunch of cars drive onto it accidentally]
Driver: Heh heh heh...finders keepers.  [drives off]
 Homer: [reading] "This year, give her English muffins."  Whatever you
        say, Mr. Billboard!  [skids off]
         [stops suddenly at another billboard for barbeque sauce]
         [cars collide behind him and explode]
 Homer: [reading] "Best in the West."  Heh heh heh, that rhymes!
         [looking at the next one] "Clown college"?  You can't eat that.
-- Homer's billboard-judging criteria, "Homer the Clown"

At the power plant, Homer piles his purchases (including MSG, "Best in
the West", and English muffins) at his work station.  "Well, I got
everything I was supposed to get.  I'm not going to enroll in that clown
college, though...that advertisement had absolutely no effect on me
whatsoever.  In his daydream, he imagines himself sleeping and dreaming
of himself eating a sandwich.  The billboard for the clown college
batters its way into his thoughts.  The Krustys on the billboard start
dancing to circus music.

Lenny walks in: "Hey, Homer: the section you're supposed to be
monitoring is on fire."  Through Homer's eyes, Lenny is a dancing clown.
Four clowns roll out of a safety door and start dancing sitting down (in
actuality, it's Charlie and three other men trying to put out their
burning clothes).  Homer chuckles to himself.  "Clowns are funny..."

At dinner that night, Homer scoops a large pile of mashed potatoes onto
his plate and shapes it carefully into a circus tent with his fork.
"Mom?"  Lisa asks worriedly.  "I think I'll have some wine," responds
Marge.  Homer looks up to see his family dressed like clowns, holding
miniature billboards advertising the clown college and dancing to circus
music.  "Marge...?" asks Homer slowly.  "Yes, Homey?" answers the clown
Marge, starting to hum circus music.

Homer: That's it!  You people have stood in my way long enough.  I'm
       going to clown college!  [leaves]
 Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
-- "Homer the Clown"

{Marge dresses Homer in a grey suit.}

Homer: {Hurry up!  It's my first day of clown college.}
Marge: {Hold still, Homer.  Don't squirm!}
Homer: {[squirming] I _am_ holding still.  I _am_ squirming.}
 Bart: {Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty, it's
       sacrilege.  He's a one-and-only.  I mean, he invented the pie-
       fight, the pratfall, and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.}
 Lisa: {Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off
       as Tom Bosley, but Krusty?}
Homer: {You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.}
 Bart: {[pauses] [looks at Lisa] What's a Chachi?}
-- It's like a hibachi, only funnier, "Homer the Clown"

At Krusty's Clown College (formerly Willie Nelson's house), Krusty
addresses the enrollees.

 Krusty: All right, now there can only be one Krusty in each territory,
         so I hope this works out.  Tell me where you're from.
  Man 1: Georgia.
Texan 1: Texas.
Texan 2: Uh, Brooklyn.
  Man 2: Russia.
  Man 3: New Hampshire.
  Homer: Homer.
-- Homer from Bonerland, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: OK, we'll start off with the baggy -- wha?  [sees Homer] Those
        are supposed to be baggy pants.  Baggy!
 Homer: Ooh.  I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my
         [back in the classroom]
Krusty: OK, memorize these funny place names: Walla Walla.  Keokuk.
        Cucamonga.  Seattle --
 Homer: [laughs] Stop it, you're killing me!  [laughs more] Seattle.
Krusty: [groans]
-- The trials of teaching Homer, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty: And now, everybody's favorite, the Spin Cycle Fantastique trick!
        It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off, but if you
        blow it, you'll look like a fool.
         [Homer gets on the little bike and wobbles]
 Homer: Steady...steady...[crashes through ramp]
         [back in class]
Krusty: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right?
         [throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
 Homer: [taking notes] Kill wealthy dowager.
-- The trials of teaching Homer, part deux, "Homer the Clown"

Homer tries the Spin Cycle trick again, but his pants get caught in the
pedals and pulled off him.  "Burn that seat," Krusty orders.

Back in class...

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each.  But get a
        cheap one and what happens?  It goes off, takes out the eyeballs
        of every kid in the room!  What's _that_ going to cost you?
         [to accountant] Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?
-- Krusty teaches balloon animal art, "Homer the Clown"

Homer tries the Spin Cycle trick once more, but when he gets to the ramp
the torsion twists it around his body.

At home, Homey puts the finishing touches on his clown makeup.  To his
credit, he looks just like Krusty except for the missing tuft of green
hair on his head.  Turning around, he sprays Bart in the face with

 Bart: Wow, I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.
 Lisa: If there had to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's
Homer: Thanks, honey.  Bank shot!
        [bounces seltzer off Bart's cheek and onto Lisa]
 Lisa: Wow!  That's good aim, Dad.
Homer: Well, it _was_ my major.
-- With a minor in dirty limericks, "Homer the Clown"

Graduation day arrives.  Krusty addresses the first class.

Krusty: Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans.  You will
        now go back to your home towns and do kids' parties, swap meets,
        and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten foot
        clown pole.  Now, come and get your catskins -- er, I mean,
         [everyone lines up]
         [Krusty hands out the first one]
         [he shakes the man's hand and shocks him with a joy buzzer]
   Man: [walking up] This is the happiest day of my li -- ow!
Krusty: Heh heh.
 Homer: [grabs his diploma] Got it!  No shock for me, hee hee!  [runs
Krusty: Oh yeah?
         [Krusty pounces on him and shocks him repeatedly]
-- Those goofy clown graduations, "Homer the Clown"

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:56]

A pile of giant hamburgers rests in front of a new Krusty Burger
restaurant.  An assembled crowd of children cheer.

   Emcee: And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger -- the one
          with ketchup -- here he is, coming in by parachute: Krusty the
           [sound of Homer yelling, getting rapidly louder]
           [he smashes through the hamburger display; his parachute
          floats gently after him]
   Homer: [dazed] [laughs like Krusty]
Children: Yay!
   Homer: [reading monotonically] "To audience: I now proclaim this new
          burger...for sale!"
Children: Yay!
   Homer: [sees emcee motioning, laughs like Krusty]
           [Homer does some inept cartwheels] Oh...save me.
Children: Yay!
           [a midget in a prison outfit and mask walks out]
   Child: It's the Krusty Burglar!
   Homer: Ohmigod!  He's stealing all the burglars!  Why you little --
          [jumps Krusty Burglar, starts pummeling him]
   Emcee: Oh, Homer, it -- it's all -- it -- it's all j -- jus -- just
          an act!
   Child: [crying] Stop!  Stop, he's already dead.
           [two men drag Homer off]
   Emcee: Er, Krusty the Klown, everybody!
           [a few children clap; the rest are too horrified]
 Burglar: Please look at my Medic Alert bracelet...
-- The dedication that shouldn't have been, "Homer the Clown"

Homer drives off to his next engagement -- a birthday party at
Milhouse's.  The children cheer as he skids onto the lawn, losing a tire
and crashing into a tree.  A second later, he flies out the windshield
and lands face down in front of the porch.  "Hey, hey," he moans weakly.

   Homer: [folding a balloon incompetently] And then, take that...and...
          put that in there, and you...ah!  There's your giraffe, little
   Ralph: I'm a boy!
   Homer: That's the spirit.  Never give up.
Milhouse: Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart?  _My_ Dad
          got Krusty the Klown to personally appear at my party.
    Bart: Ehh, I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.
Milhouse: Ho ho, I don't know, Bart.  My Dad's a pretty big wheel down
          at the cracker factory.
-- A big salted wheel, that is, "Homer the Clown"

Homer dances in front of the children while they throw stuff that
splatters at him.  He gets sick of it soon enough, and collapses into an
arm chair.  "Uh, it's not 5:30 yet," Mr. Van Houten reminds him, so
Homer gets back up and dances some more.

At work, Homer sits tiredly at his station.

Lenny: Hey: nice threads.
Homer: Whew, I'm beat.  And after work I've got to dedicate a new Jiffy
       Lube and cohost the Ace Awards.
Lenny: Wow!  Jiffy Lube!
 Carl: Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.
Homer: Yeah.  When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be
       nothing but glory.  You know, the glory of being a clown.  I tell
       you, it's hard, tiring work.  But when I see the smiles on their
       little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with
-- Clowning breeds cynicism, "Homer the Clown"

At the Ace Awards, Dick Cavett stands at the podium.

     Dick: Well, my time's almost up here, so, uh, I'd just like to
           say...I know Woody Allen.
            [a couple of people clap halfheartedly]
    Homer: And now the winner for the most promising new series on
           cable: "Old Starsky and Hutches".  [funky music starts]
Announcer: Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy
            [after the show]
     Dick: Let's walk and talk.  I, uh, I have some wonderful stories
           about other famous people that include me in some way.
    Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
     Dick: Hey, me too.  We can go together.
    Homer: Um...no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
     Dick: Heh heh, your...churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was
           having dinner with Groucho and --
    Homer: Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight
           if you don't beat it.
-- Homer does the Ace Awards, "Homer the Clown"

Homer rues his decision to become a clown on the drive.

 Homer: Aw, being a clown sucks.  You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs,
        and admired by the elderly.  Who am I clowning?  I have no
        business being a clown!  I've leaving the clowning business to
        all the other clowns in the clowning business.
         [a siren sounds behind him]
        Aw, no.
Wiggum: [getting out of his car] Well, well, well, Velocity Boy, I'm
        going to give you the biggest ticket you -- hey!  Krusty!
 Homer: I'm not Krusty.
Wiggum: Oh, to think I was going to give _you_ a ticket.  Krusty the
 Homer: [annoyed] I am _not_ Krusty!
Wiggum: Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set
        those beavers loose in that pine furniture store?  [laughs] Ah,
        memories.  [rips ticket up] All right, you take it easy, Krusty.
         [drives off]
 Homer: Hey, he didn't give me a ticket!  This is an intriguing
-- Intriguing, indeed, "Homer the Clown"

Homer discovers just how intriguing at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Homer: [gasps] You mean I get five percent off on everything in the
       store just because I look like -- I mean, just because I _am_
       Krusty the Klown?
  Apu: How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy
       magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year?
       [quietly] Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic
        [holds up magazine with a large butt on it]
-- The upside of mistaken identities, "Homer the Clown"

Homer takes his family to Luigi's restaurant.

   Homer: I'm telling you Marge, this will work.  They'll think I'm
          Krusty and give us free stuff.  I've been getting free stuff
          all day!  Look at this swell bucket of house paint.  [holds
          one up] Look at it!
   Marge: I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's dishonest.
   Homer: Well if we agree, then why are we arguing?
           [they walk into the restaurant]
   Luigi: Hey, Krusty!  Hey, ooh, beautiful date-a tonight, huh?  And
          such-a lovely children you have-a now.
    Bart: I'm more striking than lovely.
   Luigi: You come-a with me -- come-a with Luigi!  You don't want to
          sit with the rest of these-a scum.
Everyone: Hey!  What do you call that? etc.
   Luigi: I only-a consider you scum compared-a to Krusty.
Everyone: Ah!  Oh, well, right.  I can see that, etc.
   Luigi: Yeah, you see how you scum.
-- Homer (er, Krusty) takes the family for dinner, "Homer the Clown"

Krusty's woes with Fat Tony continue.  He and Bill watch TV with Fat
Tony and his two henchmen.

  Bill: Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made
        franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem
Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due!
         [TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch]
        He's spinning the ball on his finger!  Just take it, take the
         [the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him]
        That game was fixed.  They were using a freakin' ladder, for
        gods' sakes.
-- Krusty learns the Globetrotter truth the hard way, "Homer the Clown"

  Tony: I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.
Krusty: Look, I'm cleaned out.  Just take the Clown College.
  Tony: We have already taken it.
         [at the college]
   Man: Kids have a lot of money these days.  So after you finish your
        performance, you might consider robbing them.
Krusty: Look, what did I tell you?  You can't get blood from a turnip.
        You want to kill me?  Go ahead and kill me.
         [someone starts firing at him]
        Oh!  Hey!  Hey, all right, OK, already!  [firing stops] Look, we
        can talk this over.
  Tony: No more talk.  It is time for us to take you for a ride.
Krusty: Oh, no...mind if I go to the bathroom first?
  Tony: I see no harm in that.
         [Krusty runs off, slams the bathroom door]
         [a window slides open; a car speeds away; a plane flies
  Legs: When he's done in there, I gotta go.
-- "Homer the Clown"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:45]

Fat Tony and his henchmen go cruising for Krusty.

      Tony: OK, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him.  Legs, you check
            out the East Side.  Louie, Rome and Budapest.  Tell the boys
            I want a total world search.
Legs+Louie: Right, boss.
     Homer: [at a car dealer] I want a free car because I'm Krusty.
            Krusty the Klown?  Get it?  Krus -- [honks horn] -- ty!
             [Tony's car skids to a halt]
      Tony: Cancel the world search.
     Homer: I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Klown.  Which
            is me, Krusty!
     Louie: [behind a fence with a rifle] Hey!  It's Krusty, all right.
            Should I shoot him gangland-style or execution-style?
      Tony: Listen to your heart.
  Salesman: Well I can't _give_ you the car, Krusty, but I _can_ let you
            have this little number for practically nothing: only
             [bullets hit the car]
     Homer: [suspicious] Hey, what are all these holes?
  Salesman: [quickly] These are speed holes.  They make the car go
     Homer: Oh, yeah.  Speed holes!
             [bullets riddle the car and smash the windshield]
  Salesman: You want my advice?  I think you should buy this car.
-- Instant depreciation, "Homer the Clown"

"We need more ammo," notes Fat Tony, "let's go to Big 5."

Krusty has gone to Switzerland for plastic surgery.

Doctor: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete.  Now, when I remove
        the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring
        back at you.  [hands him a mirror]
Krusty: Aah!  I look exactly the same, you moron!
Doctor: Ho ho, nonsense, Krusty: you look at least ten years younger!
        Plus, I did your breasts.
Krusty: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?  Oh, what's
        the use?  I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.
        Can you loan me bus fair?
         [the doctor stuffs a bill in Krusty's new cleavage]
         [offended] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
-- "Homer the Clown"

Homer, meanwhile, uses a pickaxe to make some speed holes in his own

  Ned: Whatcha diddely-doin', neighbor?
Homer: Aw, putting speed holes in my car.  Makes it go faster.
  Ned: Is that so?  Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use
       some -- [a shot rings out] aah!  [Ned collapses]
        [he gets up slowly] Wow!  Lucky I always keep a bible close to
       my heart -- [boom!] aah!  [Ned collapses]
        [he gets up] Ho ho, lucky I was wearing an extra large piece of
       the True Cross today.  I think I'll go inside.
        [a shot hits Homer's pick axe]
Homer: What keeps doing that?
 Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.  Let's
       just grab him!
-- Louie the henchman, not the marksman, "Homer the Clown"

In the car, Homer pleads with his captors.

Homer: But wait...you can't kill me for being Krusty the Klown.  I'm not
       him...I'm Homer Simpson!
 Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of
       our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney.  Yeah, Barney Gumbel.
 Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking picture of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my _real_ name is, uh -- think, Krusty, think!  --
       Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about
       Organized Crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
 Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to
       the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!
-- Homer "Fletch" Simpson, "Homer the Clown"

Homer is sat in a chair and a bright spotlight shone on him.  An elderly
man in a black coat walks in.

Vittorio: I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this,
          Krusty, because I am a great fan.  [holds out hand] Don
          Vittorio DiMaggio.
   Homer: [sadly] Krusty the Klown.
Vittorio: Sorry I have to do this, Krusty.  [pulls a gun]
           [points it at Homer, cocks trigger]
          I cannot do it.  To murder a funny man of such genius would be
          a crime.  Ah, tell you what, Krusty: do for me my favorite
          trick where you ride the little bike for me through the loop,
          and I will let you live.
   Homer: Oh, but I've never been able to do that --
           [trigger is cocked] Hey, how about if I just squirt you in
          the face with my boutoniere?
           [trigger cocks more] OK.
-- The power of persuasion, "Homer the Clown"

Homer grabs a little bike and frets, "I'll never be able to do this
trick.  Never!"  At Vittorio's prodding, he balances on the bike and
succeeds in riding it towards the loop.  "Hey!  I'm doing it, I'm doing
it!" he cries gleefully, riding up the loop -- but as he gets to the
top, he slides back down to the bottom again.  "Ta da," he finishes

Vittorio: The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest
          insult of all -- [cocks gun]
  Krusty: [bursting in] Hey guys, I came to -- oh, you've got a deadly
          game of cat and mouse going.  I'll come back.
    Legs: [gasps] I'm seeing double here: four Krustys!
   Homer: Krusty!  Oh thanks, thanks a lot.  You came here to save me!
  Krusty: [slowly] Yeah, that's what I did.
Vittorio: My apologies to you.  I almost made a grievous error.  [cocks
          gun at Krusty] Goodbye, Krusty.
  Krusty: Wait: he can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one is
          the real Krusty.
           [grabs Homer by the head and plays the shell game with
          himself and Homer]
Vittorio: I am confused.
   Homer: Heh heh.  Good one, Krusty.
           [Vittorio cocks the gun at Krusty]
  Krusty: Oh, crap.
-- That's putting it mildly, "Homer the Clown"

Vittorio menaces, "Because of that disrespectful display, I shall now
kill both of you -- unless you _both_ go through the loop...together!"
The two klowns moan at the thought, but they try it, Krusty riding,
Homer perched on top.  In his fear and in his attempt to hold tight,
Homer covers Krusty's eyes with his hands.  Krusty admonishes him, but
they miss the loop entirely and ride up a pool cue right onto the pool
table.  They ride straight into the racked-up Boston balls -- and sink
every one of them.  The Italians are visibly impressed.

The antics don't stop there, however.  The two klowns jump across a gap
onto the bar; Homer's head plays "The Godfather" theme music on the wine
glasses that dangle from the roof.  "Ah!" gasp the Italians.  Krusty
sees that the part of the bar that lifts up so the bartender can get out
is raised.  Thinking quickly, he knocks it closed with seltzer.  The
Italians even applaud, but Vittorio moans, "Ah, but without the loop it
is nothing," cocking his gun again.

He's spoken too quickly -- Krusty and Homer fly off the bar, straight
towards the loop, and whizz around and around it many times.  They fly
off together and skillfully land in the "Ta da!" pose; the miniature
bike flies towards them, and Krusty, although he opens his mouth to
catch it, is beaten to the punch by Homer, who swallows it and makes the
bell ring by opening his mouth.

Italians: Yay, Krustys!  [applauding]
Vittorio: Grazie, grazie.  You have a brought great joy to this old
          Italian stereotype.
    Legs: No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not --
Vittorio: Yes, I am, I know it, I am.  Anyway, thank you, Krusty.
  Krusty: You're welcome.  So, uh, we're even now, huh?
Vittorio: No, we just won't kill you.  But you still owe us the money.
          [ominous] $48.
  Krusty: [hands him a bill] Here's $50.
Vittorio: And two your change, and we thank you.
-- Come again!, "Homer the Clown"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:57]


   {klb} Kerry L. Berney
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {bdp} Brian D. Phillips
   {kt}  Ken Timlin
   {bt}  Bob Timmermann
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)