Nukesadaisy

A lovely sunny Summer morning in Springfield. The camera shot starts high above the city and swoops down in true Disney fashion through the trees and twittering birds until we are finally looking in through the window of the Simpson house where Marge, Homer, Maggie and Lisa are eating breakfast.

Shot from inside the house reveals that the camera we have been looking through is attached to a miniature remote control spy-helicopter with FBI painted on the side.

MARGE

Homey, have you been upsetting the FBI again?

HOMER (taking out a rifle and shooting the chopper down through the window)

Pesky Feds...

The helicopter crashes into the garden and explodes. Instantly, three big blue trucks with FBI painted on them screech to a halt outside the house. Hordes of FBI men rush into the garden to recover the wreckage and rush back to their vans again. The last man to leave looks through the window at Homer and takes a quick picture with a camera..

MARGE

Where did you get that gun?

HOMER (Voice of HOMER'S BRAIN)

I... won it.. on a game show.... oohh, she'll never believe that. And it's true...

CUT TO quick dream sequence where Homer is on Wheel of Fortune style game show. He has won the top prize and can choose from a luxury car, a new house, a massive chest full of money or the rifle, all on a revolving platform with bikini clad models.....Homer takes the rifle and accidentally fires it at the car, blowing out all its windows.

HOMER

The boy's room.

MARGE

I wish you wouldn't go rummaging in Bart's room, Homer. It's a violation of privacy. Where is your brother, Lisa, he should be up by now..

LISA

I don't know. I haven't seen him for days.

MARGE

Go up and find him. I'm not having him stay in bed all day, even if it is the Summer holidays.

HOMER

Holidays? Holidays? Whoo-hoo!

MARGE

Not for you, Homer. You have work.

HOMER

Can't I take the day off please please... it's so sunny, I want to enjoy the sunshine while I am still youthful and virile and frisky..

CUT TO quick dream bubble of HOMER lying semi-comatose on the sofa watching TV.

MARGE

No. Go to work.

HOMER

Fine. But when I come back all mad and crazy like that man in that film and chop you all into tiny little pieces, it's your fault Marge..

LISA upstairs walks up to a door covered with chains and bolts and signs saying "Keep Out", "No Entry" "Death to Intruders" and "Warning : Booby Traps". She gingerly pushes it open. It is the loo and the sea captain is sat on it.

GENERIC SALTY OLD SEA DOG CHARACTER

Aaaarh, I'll not be a moment in the privee...

LISA carries on down the landing to Bart's room. The door says "LAND OF BART. DETH TO STRANGERS", "Keep Out", "Booby Traps" etc. There is a retinal scanner on the door. Lisa looks into it - the LED display reads "Access Denied." So LISA just pushes open the already ajar door and walks in.

Inside, it is dark and untidy. BART is sat at a PC. It is just like David's room in Wargames.

LISA

Bart?

BART (who is clearly manic, twitchy and talking in a very excited fashion)

Lise, you gotta come and see this, it's totally amazing..

LISA (walking over to the screen, where Tetris is playing)

Tetris?

BART (pressing a key)

No this.

The screen displays the yodelling hamsters. BART gives it a knock.

The screen goes black and then a long list of number start scrolling rapidly on it.

BART

It's connected to a modem, see. It's dialling out thousands of numbers automatically, I'm going to hack into the new Krusty Kong game... (advert for game which says "Out Soon" is on desk next to the PC)

BART points to the phone, attached to an old-fashioned cradle modem affair. It is ringing out constantly.

LISA

Isn't that expensive?

BART (blasé)

Yeah, but what you gonna do?

We cut to a montage of various Simpson characters answering their phones in their houses and hearing a loud bleeping noise of data transmission..

PRINCIPAL SKINNER at home in full combat gear

Yes, hello, hmmm.. sounds like some form of coded distress signal from a POW camp in Nanchong. (Grabbing a gun) Mother, I'm just popping out for a moment.. (jumps out of window)

BARNEY at home on the sofa, crashed out.

Hallo? Is that you again, God?

MOE in the bar

Hey, cut it out you pesky prankster. I know who you are.

CUT TO phone box. NELSON MUNT is doing an impression of the bleeping noise down the phone. Then he says "Harrh hah.."

OTTO (dancing along to the noise)

Cool.. this is freaky electro beat, man....

NERD SCIENTIST IN LABORATORY

Gentlemen, we have finally received radio signals from extraterrestrial life-forms. I'll just run it through the decoder..

He presses a button and a bizarre looking machine readout says "Barbara, I like cheese...."

NERD SCIENTIST

Clearly they are some form of mentally subnormal ape-like species.....

CUT TO THE POWER PLANT. HOMER is in the canteen with LENNY and KARL. He points to a cheese sandwich in a glass cabinet and says to the woman behind the counter

HOMER (simpleton voice)

Barbara, I like cheese...

Suddenly, a gang of repo man appear and pick up the entire canteen counter, including Barbara behind it and march it away. HOMER is just about to eat his cheese sandwich when one returns to snatch it out of his hand.

HOMER

D'oh!

LENNY

Hey.. what gives?

They look round to see that all round the plant things are being removed by repo men, like "Emergency cooling equipment" and "Safety clothes." Two men are trying to coax the radioactive green rod into a net. It keeps snarling and trying to escape. Through a window we can see a gang of men loading one of the cooling towers onto a pick up truck..

MR BURNS ( announcement over the TANNOY)

Attention all workers. Listen carefully. This is a very important announcement....

Two repo men up a ladder remove the tannoy speaker and the announcement goes dead.

HOMER

Some..thing... is going on here. And I don't care what.

BACK IN BART'S ROOM.

LISA

Bart, we've been here for hours. We're never going to find it. Where did you learn how to do all this stuff?

BART

I've been reading up. Look.

Indicates the bed, where there is a copy of MAD magazine.

LISA

MAD?? (Reading cover) How to Hack Into Secure Government Sites from Your Own Bedroom and Change Your Status as An Unlawful Immigrant. Isn't this illegal?

BART

It's only illegal if you get caught. And the beauty of the internet is that no-one knows who or where you are.

CUT to secret Microsoft mountain HQ. A sign on the mountain says "Microsoft HQ" next to a crossed-out one that says "US Military Nuclear Defence Facility. Please call again!". There are checkpoints in front of a massive steel door. A jeep drives up to a checkpoint gate and the driver keys in something onto the keypad. The screen says "Unspecified Error. Abort, Retry, Fail"...The driver starts bashing the keyboard in frustration. CUT TO a large underground military style operations room inside the mountain. BART's room and close-ups of his face, his computer and Lisa are on dozens of monitors from different angles. His voice is being charted on a frequency modulation screen.

GENERIC SQUEAKY VOICED PIMPLY YOUTH

Sir, he has an unregistered copy of Windows 2000....

BILL GATES swivels round slowly on a black chair stroking a chihauhau in sinister fashion. Pregnant pause.

BILL GATES

Oh well... you know I really don't mind. That's fine.

Then he eats the chihauha whole, like the aliens in 'V'.

BACK in BART's room

LISA (looking through piles of papers on Bart's bed)

What are all these?

BART

Just writs for defamation, libel, that kind of thing. Some of those Brits in newsgroups are soo sensitive. I had no idea that calling someone a <cue long string of bleeped out expletives> was an insult in England too..

Hey, I think we're in...

CUT to shot showing progress of phone call down wire... out of the Simpson House, to the local exchange, then zoom out to a map of the world where the call is routed to Africa, China, Australia, Britain, up to a satellite, bounced around 4 satellites back down to India, then back to the USA, to Springfield and into a building which we can see from out of Bart's window... It rings and is connected to a computer in Krusty's office.

I'll switch to voice mode.

VOICE OF KRUSTY (as text appears on screen)

Heh heh heh! Welcome back Professor..

BART

Cool!

LISA

Hmm, I doubt he's referring to you..

VOICE OF KRUSTY

What do you want to play?

BART (typing)

Games

VOICE OF KRUSTY

You must type the password.

BART

Password? (Groans..)

LISA

Here, let me try..

LISA sits next to BART at PC and types in "abc123"

VOICE OF KRUSTY

Password OK.

BART

How did you know?

LISA

It's the password every shmo with no imagination uses, everyone knows that.

VOICE OF KRUSTY

D'oh!

BART (typing)

List games

VOICE OF KRUSTY

You are already in the middle of a game, do you want to finish?

BART

This is boring, let's go and check out 'celebrities are nekked' dot com. They have faked nudey pictures of Scooby Doo.

LISA

Bart, you really should start attending those sessions with the school shrink.

BACK TO POWER PLANT. MR BURNS'S OFFICE. MR BURNS is looking out of the window at the removal of most of his plant. SMITHERS in his usual position standing next to him.

MR BURNS

The day has finally come, Smithers. Look at these vultures picking at the rotten carcass of my empire.. soon I will have nothing left...

SMITHERS

Apart from twelve other nuclear power plants in six states, a publishing company, a TV station in Kazakhstan, three South African diamond mines, a secret research island off the coast of China.. oh and a hotdog concession stall at the Springfield Stadium.

MR BURNS

Yes, yes. Mere flim flam. Who is responsible for this financial cataclysm?

SMITHERS

Your new accountant, Sir. He has made a series of bad investments.

MR BURNS

Send him in.

Enter LIONEL HUTZ, surrounded by armed guards.

LIONEL HUTZ

Hi! Lionel Hutz. Investment Fund Adviser and part time male lap dancer. Your usual, Mr Smithers?

SMITHERS

(sotto voce) Errr not now. Mr Burns would like to know what happened to his funds.

LIONEL HUTZ

It's funny you should mention that. Let's see. I spent fifty dollars on some new pants, ten dollars on this musical pen (pulls out ballpoint pen - plays theme from Dallas). It's supposed to play the tune from Friends, that's why it was so cheap...

Oh yes, and I invested the rest in an internet company.

MR BURNS

What? You gave billions of my precious dollars to some pimple-faced youth barely out of college and his idiot friends to buy some new-fangled abacus machine?

LIONEL HUTZ

Actually, he wasn't strictly out of college. In fact he hasn't finished high school. To be honest, he hasn't started high school yet. Lawrence! Mr Burns would like a word.

RALPH WIGGUM comes in, looking confused.

RALPH

Can I have my lolly now?

LIONEL HUTZ

So, Lawrence, what happened to the computer business then? Where's all the money?

RALPH

My name's Ralph.

RALPH is led away.

RALPH (just before he leaves)

What's a computer?

MR BURNS (to the armed guards and referring to Lionel Hutz)

Take him away to the torture chamber...

(Looks out of window, sees torture equipment being loaded onto a lorry)

MR BURNS

Never mind. Just feed him to the dogs.

(Looks out of windows, sees dogs being rounded up in back of a van)

Grrrhhh...

MR BURNS goes over to LIONEL HUTZ and tries to slap him. He can't manage it due to feebleness and falls at his feet instead, howling with despair.

LIONEL HUTZ takes out mobile phone and dials.

Hello David? Yes, it's happening all over again...

BACK TO BART'S room.

BART

Whooahh, check this out. Thermoglobal nuclear war. Cool. Hmm, enter targets. Let's nuke Springfield!

LISA

That might not be a very good idea. Remember that prank you played on our school trip to NASA?

CUT to Bart and Lisa inside NASA space command HQ. Bart breaks away from the rest of the school group, and laughing to himself, enters a series of numbers onto a nearby terminal. On the screen a map of America zooms in to Springfield. Bart chuckles and hits return.

CUT TO shot of satellite hurtling to earth.

CUT TO interior of FLANDERS house. NED, TODD and ROD are sitting in the lounge when the satellite crashes through the roof and dangles above the room. Inside the capsule we can see an American spaceman looking out.

NED

Well, Okely dokely. Looks like we have a visitor from the milk-tiddly way.

TODD

It's an angel!

The spaceman opens the pod, falls on the floor, then plants an American flag on the Flanders carpet.

TODD

Can I go back with you to heaven?

BACK TO BART's ROOM

BART

Mmm, maybe you're right. Let's nuke Shelbyville.

BART types frantically and randomly on the keyboard...

LISA

Bart! You're just pressing random keys...

BART

But that always works... see?

VOICE OF KRUSTY

You have launched.. Krusty brand missile to... 'Shelbyville'.

The screen displays a radar map of the US with blips all over it.

CUT to missile bunker. BARNEY is asleep infront of a panel of lights that suddenly all start flashing. Beyond him a glass panel shows a silo with a missile - on which there is a picture of Krusty's grinning face - start to ignite and smoke..

Two military types rush in.

MILITARY OFFICER 1

My God! No, it can't be happening..

MILITARY OFFICER 2

It is! He's eaten all the nachos.

BARNEY burps amid a huge pile of crumbs.

MILITARY OFFICER 1

Go to code red.

CUT TO Quick Scene of MILITARY OFFICER 2 entering a large hypermarket shop called "CODE RED Wholesale Nacho Suppliers"

BACK to BURNS' OFFICE

SMITHERS

Sir, some corporate financiers have put together a rescue package for the plant. But they insist on a change of management.

MR BURNS

Corporate financiers. Heartless bloodsuckers leeching the honest small businessman. Sigh... show them in.

Ten faceless suited men with briefcases enter the room.

FACELESS MAN No 1

Mr Burns, following your accountant's disastrous decision to give all your assets to a nine year old boy, we have come up with a series of measures to keep this plant operational. Primarily, we feel that it is time for a change of direction in the upper echelons of the executive tier.

MR BURNS

What in the name of Jehosophat is he blithering on about?

SMITHERS

I think he means you're fired, Sir.

MR. BURNS

... oh well, come on Smithers, let's go play on the swings. I never really liked this place anyway. Apparently, radiation is dangerous...

SMITHERS face lights up. They go off together.

Just as they leave, there is a tentative knock at the door. HOMER appears.

HOMER

Hello...? Can I have my cheese sandwich back please?

FACELESS MAN No 1

Who the hell are you?

HOMER

Homer Simpson. From sector 7... (thinks).. something or other. Near the water fountain..

FACELESS MAN No 1

Great. You're in charge. I want this place back in profit by tomorrow afternoon.

All the men disappear, leaving Homer alone in MR BURNS's office.

HOMER (worried)

Oh...

He goes over to MR BURNS's desk and sits down. He opens the drawers. He finds, in the following order, (together with his reaction).

1. A revolver.

2. A small kitten that leaps out onto the desk, miaowing ("heh heh.. cute..")

3. An eagle that jumps out, grabs the kitten in its talons then flies off ("dooh..")

4. A book called "The 100 best nature reserves to hide your nuclear waste"

5. An envelope entitled "Tom Hanks blackmail photographs" ("boooring...")

6. A whip ("oooh..")

7. A red button marked 'Do not press' - he presses it, and we cut to Tower Bridge in London lifting up. Homer is annoyed that it appears to do nothing, so he presses it repeatedly over and over. The bridge goes crazy, lifting up and down in quick succession. People and busess are hanging off it shouting in Cockney..

8. A vanilla slice. ("mmmmm, vanilla..")

There is a knock at the door. It is LENNY.

HOMER

You're fired!

LENNY

What? What are you doing in here, Homer?

HOMER

I'm in charge now. Get me some donuts.

LENNY

But you just fired me.

HOMER

Get me some donuts. Then you're fired.

LENNY

But we've worked together for ten years.

HOMER

Correction. YOU'VE worked together for ten years. (Gets up and puts friendly boss word-in-your-ear type arm around him) Look, Lenny, it's like this.. I gotta look at the bigger picture. I've got responsibilities to the company. You have to think of it from my point of view. Greed.. is good! Like in the film. With the plant that ate people and sang...

DREAM SEQUENCE of HOMER as the plant from Little Shop of Horrors singing "Feed me.. feed me now."

LENNY (leaving...)

I understand.

HOMER (shouting after him)

Tell Karl he's fired too.

HOMER leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the desk and lights a fat cigar. The voice in his head starts going round and round - "I want this place back in profit by tomorrow afternoon... back in profit.... in profit... profit... profit.."

BACK to BART's room

BART

This is boring. Nothing's happening.

A huge rocket with Krusty's demented grinning face flies past the window behind them.

CUT To KRUSTY's house. KRUSTY is sitting by the pool, sipping a cocktail with men in dark suits while lots of semi-naked girls lounge on deckchairs. He looks up and sees the missile fly past overhead with his face on.

KRUSTY

Oy oy oy... this could be very bad for my image.

SUITED MAN

All publicity is good publicity.

KRUSTY

What?! Destroying half the population of America is good publicity? Are you nuts? I told you we should never have bought those second hand Russian nukes.

SUITED MAN

They offered us a very reasonable deal. On the plus side, sales of Krusty-approved radiation suits are waay up.

CUT To Plant. HOMER is at the back door (marked "Deliveries") signing for a consignment of Krusty brand radation suits (written on the side of the lorry). Some guys are bringing them in on forklift trucks.

HOMER

Heh heh.. so cheap. I'll show those... lousy.. nameless men.

HOMER takes a radiation suit off a truck and tries it on. It is obviously not a radiation suit, just some overalls painted silver, and has short sleeves.

HOMER (impressed)

Short sleeves.. stylish. Ideal for Summer.

Another truck pulls up. The driver jumps down and approaches HOMER.

DRIVER

One consignment of illegal Mexican dwarf workers.

HOMER

Excellent.

The dwarves all run out of the back of the lorry and into the plant.

DRIVER (getting back into his cab)

And don't send back the dead ones, like the last guy did.

HOMER

Heh heh.. munchkins. Funnee....

MONTAGE of dwarves and HOMER working at the plant.

Shot One : Homer in a boardroom wearing glasses, in front of a flipchart with a pointer, on which there are numerous complex graphs. The dwarves all clap at HOMER's presentation.

Shot Two : Group huddle of dwarves and HOMER - they all leap up and give high fives.

Shot Three : HOMER in his office reading the Wall Street Journal.

Shot Four : HOMER wandering through the plant, stopping the workers, laughing and joking with them , patting them on their heads.

Shot Five : HOMER meeting Tom Hanks in the back of a dark limo. They shake hands and Tom hands over a cheque. HOMER gives him the envelope.

Shot Six : HOMER juggling dwarves, playing basketball with dwarves.. etc.

LENNY (arriving in HOMER's office)

Here are the donuts, Homer. Sorry I've been so long.

HOMER (groaning)

Ten whole minutes! That's it. You're fired.

LENNY

Homer, will you stop firing me. I think the power has gone to your head...

HOMER (wildly overreacting...)

You're right! You're right! What have I done! What has become of me? I can't handle the pressure. It's all too much - people's livelihoods depend on me. OK, so they're very short people, but that's not the point.

LENNY

You do know that there's no uranium in the plant? Some guy turned up in a chevy and took it all away. There's only enough back up power to last two hours.

CUT TO SNAKE driving away with piles of green rods in the back of his car. He passes a sign saying "Baghdad 20 miles"

SNAKE

Alriiight!... uranium. Saddam's going to looove this.

LENNY

You can't make a profit without making electricity. And you can't do that without fission.

HOMER

Well let's go fishin' then.

CUT TO HOMER and LENNY on river bank with fishing rods

HOMER catches a glowing green uranium rod and throws it in his box. There are two already in there with a bicycle tire and some condoms.

HOMER

Doooh, it's not enough.

LENNY

Actually, Homer, I didn't mean this kind of fishin'. I meant nuclear fission. We need more uranium.

CUT TO KWIK-E-MART

HOMER comes in.

HOMER

Apu, do you sell uranium?

APU

For sure.. economy brand or standard? They're both the same price.

HOMER

I'll have the cheapest.

APU

Okay. (putting two big bags of prawns on the counter). That will be six hundred dollars.

HOMER

Hey, this isn't uranium.

APU

I'm sorry, I thought you said frozen prawn. My apologies.

HOMER

Yah, what the hell... I'll take it anyway.

APU

Thankyou. Come again.

CUT TO BART's room

BART

We gotta do something Lise, before that rocket hits Shelbyville. I know, we'll steal away on an army truck and sneak into NORAD HQ and persuade the computer that it can't possibly win the game by playing tic tac toe over and over again...

LISA

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

BART

Well do you have any bright ideas?

LISA

Well... this always seems to work.

LISA presses the ESC key. The yodelling hamsters return.

LISA

D'oh.

CUT TO MISSILE flying over and past Springfield. At first it looks like it is flying really fast, then the camera pulls back to reveal a small sparrow overtaking it.

The EAGLE that HOMER released appears with the KITTEN in its talons, above the missile. It spies the sparrow and swoops towards it, dropping the kitten onto the missile. The kitten's paw presses some buttons on the nose of the missile. Inside the missile we see lots of microchips with Russian letters on them sparking and malfunctioning. The missile does a sudden about-turn and turns back towards Springfield, heading straight for the plant. The kitten hangs on for a while then loses its footing and falls off, down through the hole in the roof of the Flanders house and into the arms of a startled Todd.

TODD

God just sent me a kitten.

NED

Well ain't that just super.

TODD

I'm going to call him Jesus.

BACK TO BART'S BEDROOM.

BART (looking thru binoculars at the missile flying towards the nuclear plant.)

Oh baby.

BACK AT THE POWER PLANT. The dwarves are shovelling frozen prawns into what looks like the reactor.

It turns out they are shovelling the prawns into HOMER's mouth.

HOMER (mouth full)

Keep shovelling.

THE MISSILE is getting nearer and nearer the plant. It crashes into the wall of the building above the reactor core, the nose cone opens and tons and tons of uranium rods spill out into the reactor.

LENNY

It appears that a stray nuclear missile accidentally launched by some kids was redirected by a kitten and has crashed into the reactor, thus providing us with all the radioactive material we need to keep the plant in profit.

HOMER

Whoo-hoo! I mean... you're fired. (to the dwarves) Tequila and spicy food all round!!

SILLY CELEBRATION SCENE with dwarves all singing "Andelay andelay, yarriba yarriba!"

MR BURNS and SMITHERS appear. MR BURNS is rubbing his hands with glee.

MR BURNS

Eeeexcellent. My plan has worked.

SMITHERS

What plan, Sir?

MR BURNS

Well maybe there was no plan. But I'll take charge of this plant now. (whispering to HOMER) Good work. Stealing uranium, hiring migrant workers, using substandard safety clothing - you're a natural. How would you like to be my right-hand 'main man' and toadying lickspittle?? Join me, we could rule this plant together, like.... tyrant and idiot.

HOMER

It's a deal. Can I have a raise?

MR BURNS

No.

HOMER

Can I have a bigger office?

MR BURNS

No.

HOMER

Can I have a new chair?

MR BURNS

No.

HOMER

Can I have a fairy cake?

MR BURNS

No.

BACK IN THE SIMPSON HOUSE. MARGE, BART, LISA and HOMER are sitting round the table having dinner.

MARGE

So, did you have an interesting day at work today, dear?

HOMER

Nahh, booring..

MARGE

And what about you children? What have you been up to?

LISA and BART (together)

Nothing.

MARGE

Well, I had a very interesting time today at the discount shoe warehouse... they had 20 percent off all moccassins.

CUT TO SADDAM'S PALACE, BAGHDAD

There are lots of missiles in bunkers, all being loaded up with uranium rods, while SADDAM sits at a control console watching. He taps some keys and a satellite picture zooms in to the Microsoft Mountain HQ.

SADDAM starts laughing evilly. He taps the Enter key on his screen - it says "Evil Dictator Rocket Launch for Windows 98 (c) Microsoft".

An error message appears...

SADDAM

D'oh!