Bart with Lisa and Maggie Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find
out who you are, I'm gonna kill you! Bart and Lisa laugh
Bart with Lisa Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're
dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half! Bart and Lisa laugh
Bart with Lisa Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold
of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood! Bart laughs
Bart with Lisa Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I
wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my
hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! Bart and Lisa laugh
Bart (in Principal Skinner's office) Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has
gotta be Homer Sexual! Homer says "Don't look at me!"
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll
sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off! Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what,
Bart Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to
catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
an ice pick! Bart and Lisa laugh
Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and
big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute... Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well
Bart Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea
O'Problem here? Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your
head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains! Bart laughs
Bart Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss!
Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm
going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving
dogs in your butt! Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own
address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's
This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for
Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here".
Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get
it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well,
children, I can't help that! Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name
off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers
Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it?
Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick
'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay?
Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...
Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in
the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme? A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! Bart laughs
10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone
(Marge) I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar
(Moe) Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your
intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh...and that's
the origin of that.
Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the
line sounds like it is crossed
(Jack Bauer) Chloe, I need those schematics now!
(Bart) Who is this?
(Jack) I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
(Bart) Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
(Jack) Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
(Chloe) Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
(Chloe) No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
(Jack) Dammit! Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone
Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
(Bart) Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
(Bartender) Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt? Patrons laugh
Bart calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney
(Bartender) I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
(Patron) Better put it down then, mate! Patrons laugh
Bart calls "Inga-bar Beerman's", in Stockholm
(Bartender) Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay! Patrons laugh smugly
Wait a minute...if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
Fat Tony Yuri Nater? Yuri Nater? Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nater! Barney says, "Be careful what you wish for!"
Why you...I'm gonna chop you into little pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve!
Bart Bart sends a text message to Moe's (who tries to send one back Text message for I.M.A.Wiener. As you can all see, I.M.A. Wiener! Barney says, "I see it, Moe!"
Why you...when I...when I get a hold of you, I - oh, dammit, I typed an F and not a D -
eh, delete, delete, delete, delete - oh crap, I just donated twenty dollars to Haiti!
(Bart) Hi, I'm looking for a Mister Ron, first name Moe
(Moe) Moe Ron? (sigh) Moron. It's you, you little puke! I am gonna tie a rope around your neck, and hang- At this point, Moe tips over the chair on which he was standing, and the noose around his neck strangles him
I'll show you who's a...moron
The Simpsons Guy (Family Guy episode)
Bart, then Stewie Hey guys, do I got a Lee Keebum? C'mon, look at the stools, is there a Lee Keebum?
Uh, somebody check the rear, I know I got a Lee Keebum! Barney responds, "Then you probably shouldn't be handling food!"
Bart laughs, then hangs up
Stewie replies, "Oh my god, that's amazing! That's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want to try."
Bart calls Moe's again, and Stewie says, "Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped!", then hangs up and says
to Bart, "Is that...is that one?"
WABF17 (The Serfsons)
Moe receives a note tied to a bird's leg, sent from Bart Uh, let's see here, an urgent message for My Lady Gwendolyn Parts...uh, My Lady Parts?
Hey, has anyone seen My Lady Parts? Aw, c'mon, somebody grab My Lady Parts!" Barney responds, "That depends; how big is your dowry?," then the others at the bar laugh
(Moe writes his own note) You little craven, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna slice you open
and drain all of your humers - Blood! Black bile! Yellow bile!
(Bart finishes reading the note to Milhouse) And Phlegm!
XABF02 (Gone Boy)
(Bart) I'm looking for a Miss Calls. First name, Tess. Middle initial, T.
(Moe) Uh, just a sec, I'll check. Uh, Tess T. Calls! Tess TiCalls! C'mon, I know you're haniging around here somewhere! Patrons laugh
Why, you little...when I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya and pull till the foam comes out your ears! Bart laughs
XABF17 (My Way or the Highway to Heaven)
This is set in Vichy during World War II
(Moe) Cafe Moe, Moe speakin'
(Bart) I'd like to speak to Mr. Pants, first name, Pierre
(Moe) Un moment...Pierre Pants! Pierre Pants! Aw, c'mon, anyone in this joint pee your pants?
XABF20 (From Russia Without Love)
Bart, with Milhouse and Nelson
(Moe) Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'
(Bart) Uh, hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Buttface, first name Ima?
(Moe) Ima? Nobody's been named that like a hundred years, and as for the rest, why don't ya double check
that name? And try saying it out loud.
(Bart) Ima Buttface?
Milhouse and Nelson laugh at Bart
(Moe) Yeah, well, mistakes are how we learn there, young fella. Good luck in your, uh, your journey into adulthood.