The Jebediah Springfield File
Originally by Dave Sweatt
Maintained by Nicol�s Di Candia
Founding of the town of Springfield
A case of Jebeditis
the Taming of the Land Cow
Oh, Whacking Day
Other Celebrations and Recognitions of Jebediah
Timeline
Bibliography
Founding of the town of Springfield
[5F02] As early as 1649, the Maryland town of
Sprynge-Fielde was inhabited by obvious ancestors of the people of Springfield, the Flanders and the Simpsons.
[3F13] In 1796, a fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves
Maryland after misinterpreting a passage in the bible. Their destination, New Sodom.
[4F03] Marge says these pioneers were circus freaks.
- Jebediah: "People, our search is over. On this site we shall build a new town, where we can worship
freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets."
- Shelbyville Manhattan: "yes, and marry our cousins."
- Jebediah: "What are you talking about Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?"
- Shelbyville Manhattan: "Cause they're so attractive. I thought that was the whole point of this journey."
- Jebediah: "Absolutely not."
- Shelbyville Manhattan: "I tell you I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins."
- Jebediah: "Well then, we'll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity,
abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call rootmarm?"
[2F22] The town of Springfield was born on that day.
And to mark that sweet moment, our people planted this lemon tree. Lemons being the sweetest fruit
available at the time. [4F15] In 1797, the town charter was created;
- [9F10] "...as chief constable, ye shall receive one pig every month and two comely lasses of virtue true."
- [4F15] "...spiritous beverages are hereby prohibited in Springfield under penalty of catapult."
[9F10] This document was signed by Jebediah Springfield and others. Let's party, like twas 1799!
[4F15] In 1798, a law was changed, "prohibition of spiritous beverages is hereby repealed".
[3F13] Later, some of the settlers traded guns to the local indians for corn, then the indians shot them, and took the
corn. [7G07] Jebediah built the first hospital out of logs and mud.
[3F13] Springfield Theme Song, "Embiggen his soul"
"Hitch that team up Jebediah Springfield,
whip them horses, let them wagons roll.
That a people might embiggen America,
that a man might embiggen his soul.
his soul,
his soul, ..., ..."
A case of Jebeditis
[3F13] Jebediah coined the town motto. "Mr. Springfield, how can I hope
to achieve such greatness?" A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
[3F13] Some historians consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot, but I think you'll find that he's easily the
equal of William Dawes, or even Samuel Otis. --- H. Hurlbut
[3F13] The tongue of Hans Sprungfeld was bitten off by a Turk in a
groghouse fight. He then aquired a prosthetic tongue crafted out of silver. Known as the evilest man of the 1780's,
Hans even tried to kill George Washington. In 1781, he attempted to rob General Washington in Trenton New Jersey,
"gimme all your money". He took with him part of a portrait of Washington, on which he later wrote his secret
confessions. That was the last time the pirate Hans Sprungfeld was ever seen.
[7G07] Hans then changed his name
to Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jenediah Springfield.
[3F13] Objects owned and used by J.Springfield:
- fiffe....upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom
- hatchet...with which he hacked at the chains of oppression
- chamber pot...{upon which he possibly thought up the town motto}
- pipe...{upon which he...}
- raccoon skin hat...{which he wore as he harvested the vast fields of hemp}
[3F13] The Secret confessions of Jebediah Springfield
Know ye who read this there is more to my life than history records. Firstly, I did not tame the
legendary buffalo, it was already tame, I merely shot it. Secondly, I have not always been known as
Jebediah Springfield. Until 1796, I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate. And the half wits of this
town will never learn the truth. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I write this confession so that my infamy
will live on long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria.
[3F13] The Myth of Jebediah has value too.
He is the symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it. It brings out the best in the citizens of
Springfield. "Don't be shy....just think of Jebediah, and the words will come."
[7G07] The Ghost of Jebediah
- [What's in the bag Bart?]
- "My head. Go ahead Bart, tell them. Its the head of Jebediah Springfield."
- "Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town."
- [you're not really talkin', you're just my imagination]
- "Oh I am, am I? Wait a minute, I hope your not planning to do what I think your doing. You know Bart,
you don't have to found a town to be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage
to stand up and admit he's made a mistake. Anyway, think about it, will you son?"
the Taming of the Land Cow
"the Taming of the Land Cow and other folk tales"
- [3F13] "....its some sort of land cow." Legend has it that Jebediah
tamed a wild buffalo. But, Jeb confesses, "...I did not tame the legendary buffalo, it was already tame,
I merely shot it."
- [9F18] Jebediah was believed to be first to have "whacked snakes
into snake heaven". But history records that J.Springfield was at the Battle of Tyconderoga on that day. In
addition, this fact was known by the management of Olde Springfield Towne but was deliberately
suppressed. Whacking day actually started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.
- [7G07] He was also believed to have once killed a bear with his
bare hands. Modern history, however, recently uncovered evidence that the bear in fact
probably killed him.
Oh, Whacking Day
May 10th [the myth of Whacking Day has value too]
[9F18] A tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield, every May 10th local residents
gather to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them into snake heaven.
[9F18] Olde Springfield Towne boasted that in 1775, Jebediah
initiated the very first whacking day. "...if you'd like to learn more about Whacking Day, there are many
fine books in our giftshop."
[9F18] Rev. Lovejoy reads from the bible, "...and the Lord said,
whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others."
[9F18] Oh, Whacking Day
Oh whacking day, oh whacking day,
our hallowed snakes skull-cracking day,
we'll break their backs, gouge out their eyes,
their evil hearts, we'll pulverize,
oh whacking day, oh whacking day,
may God bestow his grace on thee.
[9F18] Famous Grand Marshalls
Richard Nixon
Barry White
Other Celebrations and Recognitions of Jebediah
- the town and most everything in it is named after Jebediah Springfield.
- [7G07] A bronze statue, possibly replaced with a marble one, stands in the middle of town.
- [9F02] Annual Founders Festival & Parade is held.
- [9F20] Appears on the front cover of the Springfield phone book.
- [9F10] A replica of the "Birthplace of Jebediah" can be visited next to Springfield's oldest tree stump.
- [9F18] Olde Springfield Towne honors Jebediah.
- [3F13] Springfield's bicentennial [200th birthday] is celebrated, including a "Parade to distract Joyless citizenry".
- [3F13] Springfield Historical Society displays artifacts of Jebediah and other settlers.
- [3F13] The best 18 essays about Jebediah Springfield are on file in
the Springfield Elementary Library, available upon request.
Timeline
- [5F02] 1649
- New England town of Sprynge-Fielde accuses and kills innocent women as witches, but fails
to eliminate the real witches.
- [9F18] 1775 [May 10th]
- Olde Springfield Towne claims that Jebediah Springfield founded Whacking Day and was at
the Battle of Tyconderoga on this date [these occured in Maryland or somewhere in New England?]
- [3F13] 1781
- Hans Sprungfeld attempts to rob General Washington in Trenton New Jersey [maybe he is making
appearances as both Jebediah and Hans]
- [3F13] 1795
- Lisa's essay claims there is no record of a Jebediah Springfield before this date.
- [3F13] 1796
- pioneers leave Maryland, led by Jebediah Springfield and Shelbyville Manhattan,
eventually to found Springfield and Shelbyville.
- Jebediah confesses that, until this date, he was known as Hans Sprungfeld
- [4F15] 1797
- "spiritous beverages are prohibited in Springfield" and very likely, the entire town charter
was adopted on this date.
- [4F15] 1798
- the spiritous beverages prohibition is lifted in Springfield
- [7G07] 1838
- a television documentary claims that Jebediah O.Z.J.
Springfield came west in 1838, and along the way met a ferocious bear that very likely killed him.
- [7G07] 1848
- Jebediah supposedly saved the settlers from death during the Great Blizzard of '48 [this would make
Jebediah nearly 100 years old on this date]
- [9F18] 1924
- Whacking day has its real beginnings, as an excuse to beat up the Irish, on this date.
Bibliography
Bibliography
- [3F13] Young Jebediah Springfield. "Rental Films Presents" A Watch & Learn feature. Starring Troy McClure.
- [3F13] Hollis Hurlbut. Springfield Historical Society Curator and Antiquarian.
- [9F18] Bob Woodward. The Truth about Whacking Day
- [9F10] Springfield Town Charter {also [4F15]}
- [3F13] Lisa Simpson. Jebediah Springfield: Superfraud.
- [3F08] various sugar packets.
- Encyclopedia Generica vol.15 "ramrod - Sprungfeld"
CONTRIBUTORS:
{wb} Warren Bloom
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