Written by Jordan Eisenberg

A collection of parodies, sung to the tune of various Simpsons musical numbers. (Most are referring to the newsgroup alt.tv.simpsons.)

Who Needs a Social Life?
(Sung to the tune of "Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?" from 1F10)
[First posted: April 18th, 1998]

Wheather mailing list or IRC or conference in realtime
There's no forum I have seen in which I'd rather waste my time.

When I first arrived, you were all such nerds
But now I cherish ev-v v v v v v v v v v-ry word
Solon's knack for sniffing glues
Ondre's FAQ and harsh reviews
MutantMan's misspelling goofs
Satmar's constant mental coups
One good fella' is Ben Collins
Sorry "Moron"s reign has fallen

Who needs a social life?
Now, blink and look alive:
It's time to rhyme with me.

Jordan: Who needs a social life?
Ben Robinson: That's not a crucial life
Tom Rinschler: We bring the most to life
Mcgbjk: Flames, trolls and posts are rife
Satmar: The Ashkenazi jews are real . . . D'oh!

Who needs a social life?  Not . . .
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE . . .
Who needs a social life?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE . . .
Forget your social life.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE . . .
Who needs a social life?

Not me.


[After reading what I just wrote]
Who needs a social life?  I dooooo . . .

You could shut down Foxworld and alt.flame
to no big objection
but the driving force of Usenet's alt.tv.simpsoooons!!!!!!

We're the boss on your case
The stopwatch of your race
We put the 'imps' in 'Simpsons'

We track goofs and freeze-frame them
Review and explain them
'Cause we are the imps of Simpsons!

Those pimple-faced adults and teens
Hunching over at their screens
Memorizing p-codes, and transcribing every scene!

     Satmar:  But, Lisa's Marxist, facts abound!
  MutantMan:  simpsons rules u jew look down

We may be lame but, just as well,
We post on-topic and can spell!

--

The bettle-browed critiquers!
The pebble in your sneakers!
Yes, we put the 'imps' in 'Simpsons'!

        All:  I remember my first posting
              of which I'd not go boasting . . .
  Dave Hall:  I told them to go read the FAQ
        All:  Now we're the ones who get to say that!

Without it life would be a bore
With Friday nights alone once more

Without it we'd be lost forever:
Last night's was the worst ep. ever!!!

--

They post, they flame, they lurk
They're geniuses at work
So don't take the [rapid typing] . . .

We won't take the [modem dial-up] . . .

Yes, let's keep the [nasal snort] in Si-i-i-impso-o-o-ons . . .

[quick shots of every a.t.s.er clicking his/her respective "send" button]

Bum-buuuum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[spoken]

       Matt Groening: I liked this season.  I'm sorry you guys couldn't
                      enjoy it, but I have faith in the current staff.
  Ian Maxtone-Graham: It's time to pull rank, you beetle-browed freaks!
                 Fan: You can't stop us from speaking our minds.
                 Fan: How can you have the nerve to speak like that?
                      Look what you've done to my favorite show!
         Matt Selman: Nothing pleases you hard-core fans.
                 Fan: You writers take us fans for mindless slugs!
         Dan Greaney: You fans treat us like five-year-olds who just
                      wrote on the wall with crayons!
                Fans: Hacks!!!
             Writers: Nerds!!!
                Fans: Hacks!!!
             Writers: Nerds!!!
                Fans: Hacks!!!

[singing begins]

         Mike Scully: Nerds, you speak your mind, now you mind our
                      speech!
      David X. Cohen: Yeah!  You only type 'cause your voices screech.
         Donick Cary: Nerds!  Without your codes and freeze-frames,
                      you'd be in the dark.
   John Swartzwelder: Shameful, shameless, whining, dateless wonders.
                      But thanks for all the ratings.

  Ian Maxtone-Graham: Nerds!  I write and write 'til my laptop splits.
                      [holds up two halves of his laptop computer, which
                      has been hacked in two]
     Jane C. O'Brien: You ... you rip it to shreds and spit on it.

          Voice Cast: Why can't you follow our lead?
                      [ka-ching!  They're all handed sackfulls of money]
                      Sit back and don't complain.

                 All: Nerds are making our lives insane!


      Ondre Lombard: Hacks!  You're blind to how your performance
                     stinks.
         Haynes Lee: You make Homer look like Professor Frink.
  Benjamin Robinson: You haven't got the faintest idea of how the show
                     should work.  Plots and humor, characters and
                     subtlety.
   Jordan Eisenberg: Someone bring back Conan!!!


       Evil Homer: Hacks.  If I had some poison, I'd ...
    Matt Groening: ... watch your mouth!
       Ken Keeler: It's been the same tired complaints for a decade now.
   Futurama staff: We've moved to Futurama.  Give thanks for what you
                   have.  What's the deal with that ...
  alt.tv.simpsons: That's the problem with ...
   Simpsons staff: Give a break to us.
   Futurama staff: Shut up about that damn show ...
              All: ... this yeeeeeaaaar!!!

[The End]

Who can cut your jokes out?
Hack them up like so
Rearrange commercial breaks regardless of the flow
The syndicators?
Yes, the syndicators can

The syndicators can, and they do before you ever see the first-run show

Who replaces couch gags?
Thrives on greedy tricks?
Only repeat shows made after 1996?                    *
The syndicators?
Yes, the syndicators can

The back-end daytime slots
Are home to quite a lot
Of time-compression and re-edits
They split in half the ending credits
And foreigners can just forget it!

  Who can?
  Who can?
  Who can?
  Who can?

The syndicators can
'Cause the network says they can
They'll treat your shows ... like ... craaap!!!


[* An alternate to these lines:

   Who replaced this couch gag
   With one very old?
   Who can fade to black before the punchline has been told?]