The Simpsons Ride


Compiled by Tim Reardon
The Simpsons Ride is a simulator attraction at Universal Studios
Hollywood and Orlando. The ride takes place at Krusty's theme park
where a new ride is being opened. Meanwhile Sidshow Bob has escaped
from jail yet again. Along with the Simpsons, we are the first
people to ever go on this new ride and it turns out that Bob has
taken control of it.

Voice Credits (original material)

 Dan Castellaneta: Homer, Krusty, Grampa, Groundskeeper Willie,
                   Pimply Faced Teen, Hans Moleman, Barney, Kodos,
                   Repo Man, and Mr. Freidman (Dr. Brown's loan
     Julie Kavner: Marge, Patty, and Selma
 Nancy Cartwright: Bart, Maggie (baby noises), Nelson, Ralph, and
                   the Happy Little Elves
    Yeardly Smith: Lisa
      Hank Azaria: Apu, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Professor Frink, Cletus,
                   Lou, Snake, the Sarcastic Man, and Pants-off
   Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob
Christopher Lloyd: Dr. Brown

Voice Credits (archive footage)

 Dan Castellaneta: Homer, Krusty, Grampa, Itchy, Hans Moleman,
                   I Can't Believe They Invented It announcer
                   (9F20), Mitch (9F11), Mice in control room
                   (9F01), Animals at graduation (9F03), Pigs
                   (3F03), Horary for Everything member (9F11),
                   Captain Lance Murdoch (9F11), Fish 2 (9F11),
                   Control room man 3 (2F01), and Robot Repairman
                   2 (2F01)
     Julie Kavner: Marge and Selma
 Nancy Cartwright: Bart, Robot Kids (9F11), Mt. Splashmore kids
                   (7F18), Kids on train (3F03), and Horary for
                   Everything member (9F11)
    Yeardly Smith: Lisa
      Hank Azaria: Dr. Nick, Sea Captain, Professor Frink, Cletus,
                   Man in car (9F20), Surly Duff (9F11), Conductor
                   (9F03), Horary for Everything member (9F11),
                   Guest relations man (2F01), Movie narrator
                   (2F01), Control room man 1 (2F01), Officer
                   (2F01), and Man in Itchy costume (2F01)
    Harry Shearer: Scratchy, Man in pool (9F20), Doggie Doorman
                   (9F20), Mitch's supervisor (9F11), Mt.
                   Splashmore Narrator (7F18), Wolf (3F03), Father
                   Bear (3F03), Canyonaro narrator (5F10), Horary
                   for Everything member (9F11), Duff Gardens
                   announcer (9F11), Fish 1 (9F11), Bort (adult)
                   (2F01), Control room man 2 (2F01), Robot
                   Repairman 1 (2F01), and Park announcer (2F01)
    Pamela Hayden: Robot Kids (9F11), Baby bear (3F03), Kids on
                   train (3F03), Horary for Everything member
                   (9F11), and Bort (child) (2F01)
     Russi Taylor: Kids on train (3F03)
   Maggie Roswell: Woman at Frying Dutchman (9F06), Bort's mother
                   (2F01) and Woman in giftshop (2F01)
     Phil Hartman: Troy McClure
   Denise Kumagai: Mr. Sparkle women (4F18)
   Karen Maruyama: Mr. Sparkle women (4F18)
      Sab Shimono: Mr. Sparkle host (4F18), Mr. Sparkle (4F18), and
                   Mr. Sparkle reporter (4F18)
Hank Williams Jr.: Himself (5F10)

Press reports gave both Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) and Russi Taylor
(Martin) voice credits. Both Milhouse and Martin appear but do not
speak. I tried listening really hard to the scene of Martin getting
hassled by Chief Wiggum in the queue video and where Milhouse is
amongst Patty and Selma's lost and found items in the midway show
for maybe a grunt or a gasp or any noise but I couldn't hear
anything. Other reports listed "Louie the hitman" as a character
voiced by Hank Azaria in the ride. I presume that this would mean
Fat Tony's henchman Louie but I could not find him anywhere in the
ride. I think that those reports might have been incorrectly
referring to the sarcastic man as he was not listed in those

Other reports stated that "at least 24" characters have speaking
roles which is accurate. Depending on how you count you can get
different numbers. For example, is Maggie counted as a speaking
character? Are you counting the characters that are only in
archive footage but not in any original material? How do you count
the Happy Little Elves? etc.

Harry Shearer's absence in the ride is as seamless as one could
have hoped for. All of the characters one would have expected to
see in the main storyline just happen to not be any of his. Even
the booths in the midway are manned by the most natural choices.
Sure it would have been nice to see in the queue video a scene in
which Homer is trying to cut in line in front of Flanders or
something like that, but there isn't one instance in which it
seems awkward that his characters do not speak.

Troy McClure appears in clips from the Simpsons TV show in the
queue. Interestingly enough The Simpsons Ride isn't the only
Orlando area attraction where Phil Hartman can be heard. He also
plays Morris the toucan in The Enchanted Tiki Room (Under New
Management) at Disney's Magic Kingdom.

Character cameos seen in ride (Appearances elsewhere in the park
are not listed here unless that character does not appear in the

           Apu: runs concession stand in midway and is seen outside
                of Kwik-E-Mart in ride. His concession stand can
                also be seen on the Krustyland map
        Barney: entertains guests as Scratchy in Krusty's midway
                welcome and stands outside of Moe's in ride. Also
                appears on the poster for "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate
                Rip-Off." The same poster can be seen in the "So
                Many Great Rides" segment in queue video
Bumble Bee Man: Moe steals Bumble Bee Man dolls from Willie's booth
                in midway. There are also Bumble Bee Man dolls
                as part of the physical structure of the booth.
          Carl: watching Krusty's midway welcome. Also a brochure
                for "Crazy Carl's Coupon Castle" is at the
                information booth but it is probably a different
  Chief Wiggum: gives a warning about Sideshow Bob in queue video,
                inspects a gun in Krusty's midway welcome, and can
                be heard on PA in ride. Also appears on the "exit
                only" signs and on the "Madame Manjula" poster
        Cletus: seen in archive footage in queue video, in
                background with Brandine in "Wiggum's Warning"
                segment in queue video and gives tips on theme park
                enjoyment with Brandine, Whitney, Birthday,
                International Harvester, Crystal Meth, Dubya,
                Incest, Jitney, and eight additional children in
                queue video. Also appears with Brandine on the
                poster for "Krusty's Balloon Parade" and on the
                "Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein" poster
Comic Book Guy: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video, waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend"
                segment in queue video, watching Krusty's midway
                welcome, and waiting in line at "Captain Dinosaur's
                Pirate Rip Off" in ride. He also appears on the
                poster for "Yard Work Simulator"
   Cookie Kwan: watching Krusty's midway welcome
      Database: watching Krusty's midway welcome
     Disco Stu: watching Krusty's midway welcome
   Dr. Hibbert: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video with wife and three kids and watching
                Krusty's midway welcome with wife and three kids
      Dr. Nick: seen in archive footage in queue video
 Eddie and Lou: assist Chief Wiggum in "Wiggum's Warning" segment in
                queue video and assist Chief Wiggum in Krusty's
                midway welcome
      Fat Tony: watching Krusty's midway welcome
        Grampa: seen in archive footage in queue video, Gets
                interviewed by Krusty in queue video. Seen waiting
                in line in "Are We There Yet?", "Cotton Candy", and
                "Moe Scalping Beer" segments in queue video. Has
                Hans Moleman watch Maggie while using the diaper
                changing station in Moleman's information booth,
                watching Krusty's midway welcome, is stopped by the
                pimply faced teen before entering the ride and
                watches Maggie in pre-boarding video, and waiting in
                line for "Happy Little Elves in Panda Land" in ride.
                There's also a Grampa flag along with the rest of
                the family in front of the ride building and Grampa
                appears on the "Madame Manjula" poster
        Willie: runs milk bottle game in midway and waiting in line
                at "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip Off" in ride. Also
                a picture of a little troll like guy who looks like
                Willie is on the "Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy" booth
                outside the ride building and Willie is on the
                poster for "Impervo the Painless"
  Hans Moleman: seen in archive footage in queue video and runs
                information booth in midway
  Happy Little
         Elves: Doofy, Bubbles, and Cheery seen in "Happy Little
                Elves in Panda Land" attraction in ride and on
                a poster advertising it. Their ride is also
                mentioned on the Krustyland map.
 Helen Lovejoy: waiting in line in "Grampa's Interview" segment in
                queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
     Itchy and
      Scratchy: seen in archive footage in queue video, Itchy and
                Scratchy picture seen in Krusty's office in queue
                video, Itchy and Scratchy statues seen in "Back to
                the Future" segment in queue video, Ned takes a
                photo of Rod and Todd with a costumed Scratchy in
                background in "Moe Scalping Beer" segment in queue
                video, Itchy and Scratchy flags seen in "Moe
                Scalping Beer" segment in queue video, Moe steals
                Itchy dolls from Willie's booth in midway, costumed
                versions of Itchy and Scratchy (with Barney playing
                Scratchy) entertain guests in Krusty's midway
                welcome, star in "Safety First" in pre-boarding
                video, and a giant spinning Scratchy can be seen in
                ride. They also appear on height measurement signs.
                There are several Itchy and Scratchy attractions
                seen on the Krustyland map. They appear on the
                poster for "Krusty's Balloon Parade" in balloon
                form. There are also Itchy dolls as part of the
                physical structure of Willie's booth. The midway
                has a generic advertisement for the Itchy and
                Scratchy show and has Itchy and Scratchy's wheel of
                pain. There are Itchy and Scratchy ornaments
                to the left and right of the TV in the funhouse
         Janey: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
        Jasper: watching Krusty's midway welcome
   Springfield: Jebediah Springfield statue in ride
     and Dolph: walking in background in "Grampa's Interview"
                segment in queue video and watching Krusty's midway
                welcome. Also appear on the "Tooth Chipper" poster
Kang and Kodos: in space ship in ride and have giant statues of them
                in ride. Also "Get Probed by Kang and Kodos" seen
                on Krustyland map
 Kent Brockman: waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend" segment in
                queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
                with daughter
      Lard Lad: Lard Lad statue in ride
         Lenny: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video, walking in background in "Wiggum's
                Warning" segment in queue video, and watching
                Krusty's midway welcome
       Manjula: on poster for "Madame Manjula's The Future
                Looker-After!" and the attraction is seen on
                the Krustyland map
        Martin: gets hassled by Chief Wiggum in "Wiggum's Warning'"
                segment in queue video and watching Krusty's midway
                welcome with parents
  Mayor Quimby: waiting in line for "Happy Little Elves in Panda
                Land" in ride
      Milhouse: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video with Kirk, is amongst the lost and
                found items in Patty and Selma's midway booth, and
                watching Krusty's midway welcome with Kirk. Also on
                the "Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein" poster
   Miss Hoover: waiting in line in "Cotton Candy" segment in queue
                video, waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend"
                segment in queue video, in background in "Moe
                Scalping Beer" segment in queue video, and watching
                Krusty's midway welcome
           Moe: sells beer to Homer in queue video, loots Willie's
                booth in midway, and stands outside of bar in ride.
                Also appears on a poster for "Captain Dinosaur's
                Pirate Rip-Off," The same poster can be seen in the
                "So Many Great Rides" segment in queue video, "Moe's
                Tunnel of Shame and Rejection," can be seen on the
                Krustyland map, and there is a Moe's Tavern brochure
                at the information booth
     Mr. Burns: in hot air balloon in ride. Also appears on the
                "Madame Manjula" poster
     Mr. Teeny: Mr. Teeny statue seen in "Back to the Future"
                segment in queue video and appears on monitor above
                ride vehicle dancing with Krusty when ride takes
                longer than usual to launch. Also appears on the
                poster for "Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical
Mrs. Krabappel: on poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
 Ned, Rod, and
 Todd Flanders: in background in "Moe Scalping Beer" segment in
                queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome.
                Also appear on the poster for "The Sea Captain's
                Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
        Nelson: watching Krusty's midway welcome and laughs at
                guests in ride. Also appears on the "Tooth Chipper"
          Otto: waiting in line in "Cotton Candy" segment in queue
                video, waiting in line in "Moe Scalping Beer"
                segment in queue video, and in school bus in ride
     Patty and
         Selma: Selma seen in archive footage in queue video and
                they run lost and found booth in midway. Also on
                poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
                and the information booth has a brochure for
                Patty & Selma's museum of vacation photos
  Pimply Faced
          Teen: shows Apu spoiled ice cream in Apu's concession
                stand in midway, stops Grampa from riding in
                pre-boarding video, appears on monitor above ride
                vehicle telling guests not to worry, and is nearly
                run over by ride vehicle in ride while selling
       Skinner: Skinner faces appear on milk bottles in Willie's
                midway booth
         Frink: seen in archive footage in queue video, featured in
                "Back to the Future" segment in queue video, warns
                Krusty of radiation in pre-boarding video, and saves
                guests in ride
           Man: on poster for "Radioactive Man: the Ride," the
                same ride can be seen on the Krustyland map and is
                mentioned as not operating at the information booth.

    Wolfcastle: on poster for "Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show"
  Ralph Wiggum: is centrally featured in "Dream of the Big Theme
                Park Money" and "Lisa's Boyfriend" segments in the
                queue video and is carried away by a vulture in
                ride. Also appears on the "Screamatorium of Dr.
                Frankmarestein" poster and the Krustyland Quotes"
                seen in the funhouse has a Ralph quote
  Rev. Lovejoy: walking in background with Jessica in "Wiggum's
                Warning" segment in queue video and watching 
                Krusty's midway welcome
    Rich Texan: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Santa's Little
        Helper: on poster for "Madame Manjula's The Future 
 Sarcastic Man: delivers gross food items to Apu's concession stand
                in midway
   Sea Captain: seen in archive footage in queue video and on poster
                for "The Sea Captain's Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
                The attraction also appears on the Krustyland map
                and the information booth has a brochure for "Sea
                Captain's Seafood Shack"
    Sherri and
         Terri: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
                queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome.
                Also appear on the "Radioactive Man: The Ride"
  Sideshow Mel: Sideshow Mel figure seen in Krusty's office in
                queue video, Sideshow Mel statue seen in "Back to
                the Future" segment in queue video. Also appears on
                a poster for "Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical
                Revue" and "The Sideshow Mel Experience" is
                mentioned as not operating at the information booth.
      Smithers: in hot air balloon in ride. Also appears on the
                "Madame Manjula" poster
         Snake: complains about his treatment in Apu's concession
                stand in midway
   Snowball II: Not seen in ride but her picture appears in the
                Kwik-E-Mart giftshop. Also the Simpsons costumed
                characters RV has her cat carrier on top
  Troy McClure: seen in archive footage in queue video

Minor and one-shot characters seen in ride

     Big Nosed
 Punching Man*: walking in background in "Wiggum's Warning" segment
                in queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
        Blinky: Not seen but one of the area attractions coupons
                at the information booth mentions three-eyed fish.
                Also appears in a bowl on top of the Simpsons
                costumed characters RV
 Captain Lance
       Murdoch: seen in archive footage in queue video
       Lovejoy: walking in background with her dad in "Wiggum's
                Warning" segment in queue video and watching
                Krusty's midway welcome
         Julio: (the roommate in "Three Gays of the Condo") watching
                Krusty's midway welcome
    blonde kid
  with glasses: (from Bart's class) waiting in line in "Cotton
                Candy" segment in queue video
         Larry: (the barfly) watching Krusty's midway welcome
       Lumpkin: waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend" segment in
                queue video. Also on poster for "The Isotop-ettes
                Musical Spectacular"
Miss Allbright: (Sunday school teacher) waiting in line in "Are We
                There Yet?" segment in queue video and watching
                Krusty's midway welcome
          Baby: Not seen in ride but his picture appears in the
                Kwik-E-Mart giftshop on a bag of diapers
       Kashmir: on poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
       Poochie: Not seen but mentioned on Krustyland Map for
                Poochie's Half-Pipe attraction and Poochie's Toddler
                Kennel listed on the rides not operating at Hans
                Moleman's information booth
    Krustofski: Seen in picture in the pre-boarding room
          Wife: escorts Scratchy in ride vehicle in pre-boarding

* guy who punched Homer for trying to sell him love tonic in
"Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy", told a diapered Barney that he made
him sick in "Mr. Plow", punched a hippie in "Bart of Darkness",
would not buy a wishbone necklace from Marge in "Homer's Barbershop
Quartet", told a pimply faced teen not to touch him in "Homer Alone"

Notable characters not from The Simpsons TV show

Additional Cletus's Kids
Additional generic Happy Little Elves
Doc Brown
Repo man
Mr. Freidman
Pants-Off Johnson
Adam, Eve, and, serpent
black hole of Calcutta prisoners
Civil War soldiers
Jimmy Swearwords
Willie's cow and chicken
Krusty Krewmember dogs (similar looking dogs have appeared in
 Itchy and Scratchy cartoons on show)
Captain Dinosaur and other dinosaurs
octopus (on Sea Captain's poster)
lady in an army bikini (on stunt show poster)
Giant Devil

Notable characters not seen in ride

Agnes Skinner
Superintendent Chalmers
Lionel Hutz
Lindsay Naegle
Luanne Van Houten
Lunchlady Doris
Crazy Old Man
Crazy Cat Lady
Maude Flanders
Bleeding Gums Murphy
The Octuplets
Jub Jub
Grandma Bouvier
Blue Haired Lawyer
Mr. Largo
Drederick Tatum
Sarah Wiggum
Judge Snyder
Bill and Marty
Legs and Louie
Nelson's parents
Yes Guy

This list can go on, but it's clear that the creators of the ride
took great care into putting so many characters in the ride,
including some very obscure ones like Kent Brockman's daughter and
the big nosed punching man.

Previous episode references

  [7G12] Krusty mentions how Sideshow Bob tried to frame him for
         robbery and was foiled by the Simpsons in his midway
         welcome video
  [7F01] An area attraction coupon for the Sea Captain's snack shack
         advertises three-eyed fish
  [7F16] "Are we there yet?" from this episode
  [7F18] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [8F04] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [8F05] A photo of young Krusty as he appeared in this episode can
         be seen in the pre-flight boarding room
  [8F19] Lurleen Lumpkin appears on the poster for "The Isotop-ettes
         Musical Spectacular" and in the queue video
  [9F01] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [9F03] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [9F06] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [9F07] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [9F11] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [9F20] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [1F06] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [2F01] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [2F01] Itchy and Scratchy Land is seen on the Map of Krustyland
  [2F04] Jessica Lovejoy appears in the queue video and in Krusty's
         midway welcome video
  [2F31] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [2F32] In a press conference defending his name, Krusty insists
         that tourists in his park were decapitated before they
         entered the Krustyland House of Knives. This has been the
         only mention of Krustyland ever in the Simpsons TV show,
         yet it also comes up in other mediums such as comic books
         and video games
  [3F03] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [3F12] 100 Tacos for $100 is advertised at Apu's concession
  [4F12] Poochie is mentioned on the Krustyland Map for "Poochie's
         Half-Pipe" attraction and "Poochie's Toddler Kennel" is
         listed on the rides not operating at Hans Moleman's
         information booth
  [4F18] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [5F08] Many of the fictional rides and games advertised come
         directly from the carnival attractions in this episode
  [5F10] Clip from episode shown in queue video
  [5F10] A photo of Krusty as he appeared in this episode can be
         seen in the pre-flight boarding room
[BABF01] Comic Book Guy is dressed as "The Collector" on the poster
         for the "Yard Work Simulator"
[EABF12] Homer's roommate Julio from this episode can be seen
         watching Krusty in the midway welcome video
[JABF09] Several of Cletus's children from this episode appear in
         the queue video
[JABF19] "It's a Long, Long, Line!" seen on the Krustyland Map and
         "The Tilt 'n' Spew" seen on both the Krustyland Map and in
          the queue video. Both of these attractions can be seen in
          the background at the amusement park in this episode

Outside of ride building

Carnival booths surrounding the queue (next to giant Krusty head)

* Pie in your Eye "Warning--pies may contain poison"
  "I heartily endorse this event or product"- Krusty the Clown
* Ring Toss "Small rings, giant bottles It's Impossible" "Everyone's
  a winner except people who play this game!" "Toss it!"
* Shoot Out the Star [on a sign shaped like a downward arrow] "Why
  are you looking down here? There's nothing to see!" "Give it a
  shot. Then go away!"
* "Win!" Wheel of Chance "Win!" "Voted booth of the year by the
  shameless shill society"
* Hit It! "Win a smelly toy" "Fun for kids! Not so fun for adults"
* Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy [Picture of a little troll like guy who
  looks like Groundskeeper Willie] [on a t-shirt shaped sign] "Want
  your face on a t-shirt? Go somewhere else!"
* Bull's Eye "No bulls were harmed in the construction of this
  booth." "You can't do it!: Don't even try!"
* Strike 3 "The nailed to the table milk bottle game" "No finer way
  to waste three minutes!

Flags in front of ride: Krusty, Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa, Grampa, 
Maggie, and Sideshow Bob

The welcome sign seen as you enter the Krusty head reads "Welcome
to Krusty-Land: The Krustiest Place on Earth"

The giant Krusty head has a uvula- a punching bag.

Itchy and Scratchy are on the height measurement signs. Maggie is on
the signs for stroller parking and child swap areas, and Chief
Wiggum is on the exit only signs.

Queue Video

Show clips and original material in chronological order:

Disclaimer (Woman's voice)
 1. "Suggestion Box"
    [9F20] Marge in Chains
 2. "Repossessed Nose"
    [9F11] Selma's Choice
 3. "Park Visionaries"
    [9F01] Homer the Heretic
 4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money"
    [7F18] Brush with Greatness
 5. "Back to the Future"
    [1F06] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood
    [9F03] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
 6. "So Many Great Rides"
    [3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian
Disclaimer (Man's voice)
 7. "Grampa's Interview"
    [5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust
    [9F07] Mr. Plow
    [5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust
 8. "Are We There Yet?"
    [4F18] In Marge We Trust
    [9F06] New Kid on the Block
    [8F04] Homer Defined
 9. "Cotton Candy"
    [9F11] Selma's Choice
10. "Lisa's Boyfriend"
    [2F31] A Star Is Burns
11. "Wiggum's Warning"
    [2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land
12. "Moe Scalping Beer"
    [2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land
13. "Cletus's Tips"

The clip titles are not official titles and are only used to
identify them for this capsule

Original Queue Video Clips


Welcome to Krustyland. Please be aware that the ride you're about to
board is a motion simulator and may be too intense for some guests.
You will experience sudden unexpected motions including rapid
accelerations, sharp turns, steep dives and climbs, and sudden
stops. We advise you not to ride this attraction if you are an
expectant mother, have heart, neck or back conditions, abnormal
blood pressure, medical sensitivity to fog or strobe effects, recent
surgeries, claustrophobia, are prone to dizziness or motion
sickness, or have any other conditions that may be aggravated by
this experience. Guests must be at least forty inches tall to ride.
If your child is not forty inches in height we offer a child swap
area. To reduce your wait time kindly keep up with the party ahead
of you. Also please remember there is no smoking in any area of the
attraction. Please direct any of your questions to one of our
Krusty Krewmembers. Thank you for your cooperation and enjoy.

1. "Suggestion Box" (0:30)

A curtain with Krusty's face on it opens to reveal Krusty sitting at
his desk in his office

Krusty: Hey hey theme park ride lovers, excited children, dragged
        along parents, and foreign tourists who have no idea what
        I'm saying. Welcome to Krusty's all new thrill-tacular,
        upsy-downsy, spins-aroundsy, teen operated thrill ride. [a
        large banner for the ride falls down from the ceiling
        behind him] You're gonna love it. [he walks to his front
        door] And if you don't, write your suggestion on a twenty
        dollar bill and drop it in this box. [drops money into box]
        If you've got a really good idea, put it on a fifty. Hahaha.

Items in office: (on shelf) Krusty mug, Sideshow Mel in a cannon
                 figure, lunchbox, Krusty toothbrush, jack-in the

Hanging on wall: Gold record, advertisement for Krusty show, Krusty
                 clock, Itchy and Scratchy picture

2. "Repossessed Nose" (0:50)

In Krusty's office

  Krusty: This ride is so great it'll make other rides look like
          you're just sitting down. It'll make just sitting down
          seem like you're sitting in one of those really lousy
          chairs where one leg's shorter than all the other legs.
          You know the kind. Anyway, I really hope you like this
          ride. I am so in hock right now a repo-man is coming to
          repossess my clown nose.

A man wearing a Repo Depot shirt enters

Repo Man: Alright, sir. I don't like this anymore than you do. Gimme
          the nose. [Krusty resists] Come on, gimme the nose. Gimme
          the nose.
  Krusty: G'oh! The only guy who messes with my nose is Dr. Herbert
          Shapiro. There's no part of me he hasn't tucked,
          tightened, or just sliced right off. Why are you still
          here? Are you looking for a tip?
Repo Man: I'm afraid I need your hair extension too. [rips out
          Krusty's hair]
  Krusty: (grunts) Why do I bet on high school lacrosse? Why?

3. "Park Visionaries" (0:35)

Outside the park

 Krusty: Since the dawn of time there have been theme parks. The
         Garden of Eden [clip of Adam and Eve], the black hole of
         Calcutta [clip of a crowded jail cell], the Civil War.
         [clip of a union soldier bayoneting a southern soldier] But
         my park has something none of the others do. [Walks into a
         studio] My team of artists and visionaries. I hired all the
         best people... who were fired from other companies for
         inappropriate behavior. Like Jimmy Swearwords and Pants-Off

Johnson is sitting behind his desk with his pants off.

Johnson: Krusty, let me show you what I've been working on. I'm very
         excited. [Begins to stand up]
 Krusty: No, no! Don't get up Johnson. Hahaha. [walks back outside
         and closes the door] Ugh, I hate casual Fridays.

Attractions in background: Ferris wheel, circus tents, giant Krusty

4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money" (0:56)

Krusty stands in front of a carousel

Krusty: Ever since I was a young clown I had a dream, a dream of
        making the big theme park money, but it isn't just about the
        money. It's also about the children. To me, kids are like
        little balls of perfection, that just...

Ralph walks into the frame eating an ice cream cone and drops it

 Ralph: (cries) I dropped my manilla ice cream.
Krusty: You stupid kid! Those shoes cost more than you'll ever make
        in your life. Get over here! [he chases Ralph as the
        carousel starts to turn in the other direction] I'm gonna
        tear off your head and feed it to your neck. [steps off
        carousel and faces camera] So anyway, I may live in a house
        way bigger than yours and I may drive a car that runs on
        champagne, but you folks are going to have to buy a lot more
        merchandise if I'm going to be able to afford another sport
        coat made of Abe Lincoln's private diaries. [walks over to
        coat stand and puts on coat] I didn't even read them!
        Hahaha! Huh? Lincoln was President? I didn't know that. [he
        tears off a piece of the coat and wipes his mouth]

Attractions in background: Matterhorn-like roller coaster. Also the
wrecking ball can be seen.

5. "Back to the Future" (1:17)

Professor Frink walks up to the giant Krusty head at the park

   Frink: Ah, for glaven out loud! What has become of the institute
          of future technology? Ah, I came here to pay a surprise
          visit on my old friend and colleague Doc Brown [looks at a
          picture of Doc standing in front of institute] and his lab
          has been replaced with a clownish theme park! Well there's
          only one way to find out. I must go back to the future.
          Uh, I mean the past, the past.

Frink gets in the "Back to the Future" DeLorean and goes back in
time to "two years earlier." Outside the institute of future
technology a loan officer gives Doc Brown a document to sign.

Friedman: Well Dr. Brown, with this small business loan you should
          be able to keep the institute open for years to come.
     Doc: Oh thank you Mr. Friedman, thank you!

Before Doc can sign Professor Frink in the DeLorean appears and hits
Mr. Friedman.

     Doc: Great Scott!
   Frink: [coming out of car] What? What happened? Did I get here
          in time?
     Doc: No you idiot! You ruined everything. Now I'll have to sell
          the institute of future technology to that mercenary
  Krusty: [overhearing] Mercenary clown? That's me! [he puts a
          Krustyland sign over the IFT sign] (laughs)

Doc lowers his head dejectedly

   Frink: Aww! By trying to change the past I have actually caused
          it to happen.
     Doc: [opening a limousine door for Krusty] So what can I do for
          ya boss?
  Krusty: You can tear tickets at the front gate, if you get a
     Doc: Fine by me, it takes me three hours every morning just to
          get it like this.

Attractions in background: Sideshow Mel in a cannon statue, Mr.
                           Teeny statue, Itchy and Scratchy statues,
                           skyway, circus tents

6. "So Many Great Rides" (0:31)

In Krusty's office

Krusty: There are so many great rides here at Krustyland. If you
        like pirates and dinosaurs you're gonna love Captain
        Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off. [shows poster of Moe and Barney
        cowering from Dinosaur] Or come to Brine World, where you're
        the pickle! For those of you who like the latest music we've
        got the 1950's Doo-Wop Revue! starring distant cousins of
        the original Platters. Finally, the delightful man who looks
        just like Charlie Chaplin and comes up to take your picture
        does not work for this park. Please do not encourage him.

7. "Grampa's Interview" (0:38)

The Simpsons stand in a line and Krusty approaches Grampa with a

Krusty: Hey there, old timer. Would you say Krustyland is fun for
        everyone from 8 to 80?
Grampa: I sure would, but I'm 81. So I'm miserable.
 Marge: Uh oh. Please, don't let him say "Back in my day..."
Grampa: [takes microphone] Back in my day...
 Marge: Here we go...
Grampa: We called amusement parks Professor Funnywumpum's Old-Time
        Emporiums. And they were only in Chicago. Had Ferris Wheels
        invented by Thomas Edison and burned down when we was done
        with them! And, of course we were allowed to hate all kinds
        of people back then! Especially the...
Krusty: Cut! Cut!

Waiting in line: Lisa, Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Grampa,
                 Helen Lovejoy

People in background: Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney

Attractions in background: Roller coaster

8. "Are We There Yet?" (0:21)

The Simpsons stand in the middle of a crowded queue

Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
      Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
      Homer: No
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
      Homer: No
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
      Homer: Yes! We're here! This is it! This is what we've been
             waiting for! To be standing right here in the middle of
             the line!
       Bart: Oh, I guess it's pretty good.
       Lisa: Are we there yet?
      Homer: No

Waiting in line: Comic Book Guy, older Hibbert son, Bernice Hibbert,
                 Hibbert daughter, younger Hibbert son, Dr. Hibbert,
                 Miss Allbright (Sunday school teacher), Grampa,
                 Bart, Lisa, Homer, Marge holding Maggie, Kirk
                 Van Houten, Milhouse, Janey, Sherri, Terri, Lenny

9. "Cotton Candy" (0:36)

Homer approaches the rest of the family with cotton candy as they
wait in line outside a mountain with spiraling train tracks.

 Bart: Woah Dad, what is that?
Homer: This is deep fried cotton candy, dipped in caramel, then
       re-cotton candied, fried again, and then fried again, again.
 Bart: They sell that?
Homer: Uh, well I gave the guy ten bucks to let me go nuts with his
       machines. And now to taste it.

Bart pushes it down Homer's throat and Bart laughs. Homer gets
Marge's attention

Marge: Oh, my. Homey do you need the Heimlich maneuver?
Homer: (gagging) No, push the rest of it in. [she pushes it in and
       he swallows] Sometimes I disgust myself. This is not one of
       those times.

Waiting in line: Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Grampa, Lisa,
                 Bart, Miss Hoover, Otto, kid with blonde hair and
                 glasses from Bart's class

Attractions in background: Roller coaster, pirate ship, ice cream
                           shop, souvenir shop

10. "Lisa's Boyfriend" (0:28)

Homer, Bart and Lisa stand outside a line to a concession stand and
Ralph approaches Lisa with a red Krusty balloon

Ralph: I love you Lisa. Your head is pointy like the sun.
 Bart: Hahaha. Hey, Lis, It's your boyfriend.
 Lisa: Dad, Bart said someone was my boyfriend when they weren't my
       boyfriend and then laughed about it.
 Bart: Dad, Lisa told on me to you.
Homer: Well, I guess the fair thing to do is... [ties strings of
       Ralph's balloon to Ralph and Bart] There. Now you're Bart's
Ralph: Hooray!
 Bart: Owww.
 Lisa: Hahaha.

Waiting in line: Comic Book Guy, Miss Hoover, Kent Brockman
                (looking at a map), Lurleen Lumpkin

Attractions in background: Roller coaster, Tilt n' Spew, parachute

11. "Wiggum's Warning" (0:41)

Chief Wiggum address the camera in the park

Wiggum: Hi everybody! Police Chief Wiggum here to talk to you about
        Krustyland park safety. Very important. Now keep your eyes
        open. Because danger could be lurking where you least expect
        it. [Martin walks by with an ice cream cone] Like right
        there. Keep it moving, wise guy. And lose the attitude!
        Don't enter any restricted areas. If you must throw-up do it
        in your hat. And above all beware of this man. [shows Bob's
        mug shot] Escaped convict Sideshow Bob. [Eddie and Lou walk
        into frame] If you see him call the police immediately at
        119. No... it's, uh, 991. No... it's 111. No, it's 999. It's
   Lou: It's 911, Chief.
Wiggum: No, that can't be it.

People in background: Cletus, Brandine, Jessica Lovejoy, Rev.
                      Lovejoy, Big nosed punching man, Lenny

Attractions in background: Roller coaster, Tilt n' Spew

12. "Moe Scalping Beer" (0:26)

The Simpsons wait in line and Moe approaches Homer

  Moe: Hey, Homer. That line sure looks hot. Care for a little
       refreshment while you wait? Huh? [opens his shirt and has
       beer bottles taped to his chest]
Homer: Moe, you beautiful, beautiful, man.
  Moe: Only two-hundred dollars a bottle.
Homer: You price gouging vulture! I'll never...
  Moe: Alright. For you, a thousand dollars a six-pack.
Homer: That's much more reasonable. I'll take four six-packs.
       [writes a check and hands it to Moe]
  Moe: Hahaha, sucker. [Homer starts to resist handing it to him
       but does so] I mean, uh, friend.

Waiting in line: Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Lisa, Bart,
                 Grampa, Homer, Otto

People in background: Ned (taking a picture of Rod and Todd with a
                      costumed Scratchy), Miss Hoover

Attractions in background: Skyway, giant Krusty head, Itchy and
                           Scratchy flags

13. "Cletus's Tips" (0:45)

Outside the park Cletus address the camera

Cletus: Hi, everybody. I'm Cletus Spuckler. I'm here to give you
        tips on theme park enjoyment for the economically
        disadvantaged such as me and my kin. [walks over to family]
        Theme park food's awful expensive, isn't it folks? Well I
        try to sneak in my own eats. Ha. I keep sodie cans in my
        pockets, [tosses them to kids] I wore a necklace made of
        licorice, [gives pieces to kids] and our Dr. Scholls are
        actually Oscar Meyer. [takes meat out of shoes and feeds it
        to kid] And finally, we carve an extra yongin' out of
        hamburger meat. [pulls out hamburger meat kid and takes a
        bite] You know what Kevin? You delicious. Have a real nice
        day at Krustyland y'all.
   All: Bye, so long!

Attractions in background: stagecoach, Matterhorn-like roller
                           coaster, Line to Nowhere, wooden doorway
                           with a cattle skull on it

Cletus's kin: (most everyone is barefoot or only has one shoe)
              Brandine, baby in a foam dome helmet (being held by
              Brandine), toddler in a diaper, Whitney (girl with
              Pippi Longstockings hair), Birthday (boy in a potatoes
              sack), boy in a coon skin cap, International Harvester
              (boy in a cowboy hat), baby in a diaper, girl in a
              dress, blue-haired kid with a banjo, Crystal Meth
              (girl with a pony tail poking upward), Dubya (kid with
              an eye patch), Incest (buck-toothed boy in a cowboy
              hat), girl in a dress, boy in long johns and a head
              band, and Jitney (girl in overalls and a straw hat
              with a piece of straw in her mouth)

Queue Video Show Clips

% Alterations and cuts from the original airings noted like this

With the monitors being wide screen all of the show clips are
framed in a cartoon TV and have an icon of Krusty in the bottom
corner of the screen reading "Favorite Moments."

Disclaimer (Woman's voice) (1:00)

1. "Suggestion Box" (0:30)

[9F20] Marge in Chains (1:38)

% original credits not seen

The beginning of "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"

Narrator: Products you could only imagine before- The SS Microwave.
     Man: [in a pool] Ah, my crepes are done.
Narrator: The doggy doorman!

A small robot doorman stands next to a dog door.

 Doorman: Good evening, Rex.
Narrator: And mobiller, the chandelier for your car!

A man tries to drive with a chandelier in his car and crashes into a

Narrator: All on "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
    Troy: [standing in audience] Hello, everybody, I'm Troy McLure,
          star of such films as "P is for Psycho" and "The
          President's Neck is Missing," but now I'm here to tell you
          about a remarkable new invention. [he squeezes an orange
          with his face] Until now, this was the only way to get
          juice from an orange.
%  Homer: [doing the same thing at home] You mean there's a better
%         way? <0:04>
    Troy: But that's all changed thanks to the Juice Loosener. Let's
          meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr. Nick: Hello Troy! Hi everybody!
Audience: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?
    Troy: I sure would, but wouldn't we have to pay those outrageous
          grocery store prices for something the farmer probably
          spit in?
Dr. Nick: Not anymore, all thanks to the new Juice Loosener!
Audience: (applause)

He puts a bag of oranges into the machine. It's very loud.

    Troy: [shouting over noise] Doctor, are you sure it's on? I
          can't hear a thing?
Dr. Nick: [shouting over noise] It's whisper quiet!

A drop of orange juice comes out.

    Troy: You got all that from one bag of oranges?
Dr. Nick: That's right! Order now and you'll also get Sun n' Run,
          the sun tan lotion that's also a laxative!

Troy puts on the lotion and then urgently runs offstage.

2. "Repossessed Nose" (0:50)

[9F11] Selma's Choice (1:37)

Bart, Lisa, and Selma ride "The Little Land of Duff"

Robot Kids: [singing] Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you. I'll have
            a Duff, you'll have one too. (repeating)
      Bart: I want to get off!
     Selma: You can't get off! We have five more continents to
      Bart: Hey Lisa, I dare you to drink the water.
      Lisa: [looks at murky water] I'm not sure that is water.
      Bart: Chicken, [imitates a chicken]
      Lisa: Aww quit it Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it!
     Selma: Bart be quiet! Lisa drink the water!

She does so and starts to space out.

Robot Kids: [singing] Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you. I'll have
            a Duff, you'll have one too. (repeating)
      Lisa: They're all around me! No way out! (laughs) No way out I
            tell you!
     Selma: [looking like a monster] What's wrong? You just put your
            head right here.

Selma's shoulder starts growling. Lisa screams and starts swinging
an oar at Bart and Selma.

% Meanwhile back at the house, Marge and Homer watch "The Erotic
% Adventures of Hercules"
% Woman: [in movie] Hercules, the cyclops tore off my clothes.
%  Troy: [in movie] (laughs)
% Marge and Homer laugh <0:08>

Back at the park the kids escape from the ride with Lisa still
spaced out. Selma follows.

     Selma: Bart?! Lisa?!

Lisa runs in front of the park's electric light parade and continues
to hallucinate.

      Lisa: Ahhhh, I can see the music.

[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:36)

% There is static between this and the previous clip as if they
% were from different parts of the show yet they were originally
% back to back.

A roller coaster operator checks to see if Bart is tall enough. 

      Bart: Mitch, you're doing a bang up job.
     Mitch: Thank you sir.
      Bart: (laughs)

He was standing on two candy apples. In the roller coaster car the
bar goes behind Bart's back.

      Bart: Woah, that isn't good. 

The ride takes off with Bart dangling from the bar.

      Bart: (screams) Stop the ride!
     Mitch: I'll have to ask my supervisor.
Supervisor: Better stop it.

Later, Bart is hanging from car at top of the loop. Selma pleads
with Surly Duff.

     Selma: Can't you do something?
     Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy- Surly.
     Selma: Sorry Surly.
     Surly: Shut up.

3. "Park Visionaries" (0:35)

[9F01] Homer the Heretic (0:37)

Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Flay Me to the Moon"

Scratchy reads in the newspaper of a moon launch today. Itchy takes
Scratchy's tongue and ties it to a rocket. The rocket takes off,
wraps around the moon and the moon is pulled to the earth crushing
Scratchy. Scratchy screams and a bunch of mice watch from a control
room and cheer.

4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money" (0:56)

[7F18] Brush with Greatness (1:18)

% original credits not seen

The start of Krusty's show at Mt. Splashmore

Narrator: Live from Mt. Splashmore, the tri-county area's funnest
          water recreation facility, it's the Krusty the Clown Show!
  Krusty: Hey, kids!
Audience: Yay!
  Krusty: (laughs) You know, today's the last day of our special
          week on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore. And I just
          want to say the people here have been super to me and
          Sideshow Mel. [Mel honks horn] The food, the grog, oh they
          threw us brunch yesterday with fresh fruit and the most
          delicious melon. Oooh, we at till we plotzed. And of
          course the thing I'm going to miss most is those special,
          special Mt. Splashmore waterslides, God bless em. So much
          fun, so many memories, give me a minute.
    Bart: [watching at home] It has been a great week hasn't it Lis?
  Krusty: I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack
          this place. Just to show em' how grateful I am. I told
          them you would. Don't make me a liar! (laughs) Ok kids,
          it's time to...
Audience: Kroon along with Krusty! (cheers) 
     All: [singing] I wanna go to Mt. Splashmore. Take me, take me,
          take me, take me now! Now, now, now, now, now! Mt.
          Splashmore take me there right now! (cheers)
    Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
    Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
    Lisa: Me too.

5. "Back to the Future" (1:17)

[1F06] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood (0:31)

Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Aaahhh! Wilderness!"

Itchy and Scratchy sit by a campfire in the woods as it begins to
rain. Itchy hammers Scratchy's paws into the ground and pitches him
like a tent. Lightning strikes Scratchy.

Scratchy: (screams)
    Lisa: [watching at home] (laughs)
    Bart: The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy
          should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taughtline hitch
          not a sheetbin.
    Lisa: Oh Bart, cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

As Homer is on the couch another Homer walks past the window.

[9F03] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (0:33)

Beginning of the movie

Itchy ties Scratchy to the railroad tracks. He tries to board a
train engine but the conductor keeps kicking him out. He then goes
to school, graduates, and takes a job as conductor. He runs over
Scratchy as he is about to finish unting himself. Scratchy

6. "So Many Great Rides" (0:31)

[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:50)

% original credits not seen
% There is static between each clip from this episode as if they
% were from different parts of the show yet they were originally
% all back to back.

At Storytown Village the Simpsons watch an animatronic Three Little
Pigs show.

  Wolf: Come out, come out, or I'll blow your house in.
  Pigs: Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.
  Bart: What a load of crappy crap crap.
 Homer: Quiet boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go
 Marge: This is where the wolf blows down the pig's house.
  Bart: He blows alright, he blows big-time.
 Marge: That's it honey! Get into the spirit.

The wolf blows on the house and it moves slightly. Maggie claps.

 Homer: Eh that was good, but not great.

They then watch an animatronic Three Bears show.

Father: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Mother: (audio feedback)
  Baby: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Grampa: [in bed] Well I'm sorry but it was 150 degrees in the car.

[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:26)

Bart limbos underneath the height measuring elf as he is too tall
to ride the kiddie train. He hops onto the front car.

Bart: So long suc...

He crashes into a tunnel he's to big to fit in. It causes a Paul
Bunyan figure to tip over which decapitates a goose with his ax. The
children on the train cheer.

[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:39)

At the petting zoo, Homer talks to a goat

Homer: Come on, eat the can! Come on!
Marge: You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over

They get some pellets from the machine which pours onto Maggie. The
animals swarm her and she seems to have disappeared.

Marge: Oh my.

She falls out of the scruff of a llama. The family then looks at
some sheep.

  All: Aww! [they see a cuter sheep] Aww! [they see a cuter sheep]
       Aww! [they see a cuter sheep]

The second sheep walks in front of the third sheep.

Homer: [pushing the sheep out of the way] Out of the way you! Aww.

Disclaimer (Man's voice) (1:00)

7. "Grampa's Interview" (0:38)

[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust (0:47)

Outside of Moe's, Krusty shows Bart his new SUV.

  Krusty: It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.
          Come on, I'll give you a ride home.
    Bart: Wow, this is roomy.

Cut to a commercial of the Canyonero driving through the desert.
Hank Williams Jr. sings the theme.

    Hank: Can you name the truck with four-wheel-drive? Smells like
          a steak and seats thirty-five! Canyonero! Canyonero! Well,
          it goes real slow with the hammer down. It's a
          country-fried truck endorsed by a clown. Canyonero!
  Krusty: Hey, hey!
Narrator: The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero
          unsafe for highway or city driving.
    Hank: Canyonero!

[9F07] Mr. Plow (0:21)

cartoon static

The Sea Captain does a commercial

Sea Captain: Arr, 90 sea shanties on 3 compact discs.

A couple sits by the fireplace enjoying the music.

Sea Captain: Blow the man down, maties, Blow the man down. Row, row,
             row your boat. In the Navy. Come on and join your
             fellow man. Act now and get a bonus CD, Hornpipe Fever,

% recycled cartoon static

[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust (0:39)

The Canyonero commercial continues.

Hank: Twelve yards long and two lanes wide, sixty-five tons of
      American pride! Canyonero! Canyonero! Top of the line in
      utility sports! Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts.
      Canyonero! Canyonero! She blinds everybody with her super-high
      beams. She a squirrel-squishin', deer-smackin' drivin'
      machine! Canyonero! Canyonero! Yah Canyonero, yah!

8. "Are We There Yet?" (0:21)

[4F18] In Marge We Trust (1:24)

An overweight Japanese man relaxes in a bathtub. He notices he is on

        Man: Oh hello American investor. I see you are interested in
             distributing Mr. Sparkle in your home prefecture. You
             have chosen wisely. But please, don't believe me.
             Observe this commercial.

The Commercial is in Japanese but is subtitled. A woman prepares to
use a dishwasher with Mr. Sparkle detergent. She blows a whistle and
Mr. Sparkle's disembodied head comes off the box.

Mr. Sparkle: I'm disrespectful to dirt! Can you see that I am

He cleans the dishes to the woman's delight. He goes into the other
room and plays the xylophone with a giggly baby. He is then what
appears to be underwater with three women dancing. 

Mr. Sparkle: Get out of my way, all of you. This is no place for
             loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?
      Women: What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of
             "Mr. Sparkle."
      Woman: Awesome a-power!

A graphic of a monkey playing a drum appears on screen and Mr.
Sparkle blows on the three women turning them into sumo wrestlers.
They happily giggle. Mr. Sparkle interrupts a reporter interviewing
a two-headed cow.

   Reporter: Any plans for summer?

The cow sees Mr. Sparkle and gets frightened and breaks as if made
of glass.

Mr. Sparkle: [to camera] For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.

[9F06] New Kid on the Block (0:19)

% there is a recycled shot of cartoon static from the beginning of 
% the Sea Captain's commercial in 9F07.
% In the original version, as the Sea Captain begins talking the
% camera is on Homer. Here the animation of the Sea Captain is
% stretched out a little more as he starts with "Ahoy Mateys."

The Sea Captain does another commercial.

Sea Captain: Ahoy mateys. Have your fill of tacos? Would you sooner
             eat a bilge rat that another burger?
      Homer: [watching at home] (gasps)
Sea Captain: Then come for all you can eat seafood at the Frying

% Homer drools <0:02>

Sea Captain: [to restaurant patrons] Is it more iced tea ye be
      Woman: Ok.
Sea Captain: (laughs) Set sail for the Frying Dutchman.

% recycled cartoon static

[8F04] Homer Defined (0:21)

Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "My Dinner With Itchy"

Itchy and Scratchy have dinner in a fancy restaurant. Itchy pours
Scratchy a glass of wine. They toast and Itchy drinks it burning
his insides. Itchy reveals the wine was really acid. He throws his
acid in Scratchy's face who runs out of the restaurant and gets hit
by a cable car.

9. "Cotton Candy" (0:36)

[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:20)

The second Duff Gardens commercial from the episode

Troy: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem
      anymore. Now featuring the clean shaven sounds of "Horary for
 HFE: Hey kids! Take a walk on the wild side. And all the races sing
      doop, doop, doop... yeah!

[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:56)

% original credits not seen

The first Duff Gardens commercial from the episode. Lance Murdoch
jumps over blazing school busses on a motorcycle but crashes.

    Troy: Hey Lance Murdoch you just jumped 16 blazing school
          busses. What are you going to do now?
   Lance: I'm going to Duff Gardens.

In a body cast Lance goes on a roller coaster.

    Troy: Duff Gardens, home of the whiplash
Narrator: To be completed in 1994.

He falls from the top of the unfinished roller coaster.

% At home, Bart, Lisa, and Homer go, "Wow!" <0:03>

    Troy: And the washing machine.

Lance is shaken back and forth in the ride.

    Troy: See the happiest fish in the world at the fabulous

In a giant mug of beer fish moan and burp.

10. "Lisa's Boyfriend" (0:28)

[2F31] A Star Is Burns (0:25)

Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Four Funerals And A Wedding"

Scratchy gets married to a lady made of dynamite. They go through
life and in old age the lady explodes killing Scratchy. An elderly
Itchy comes to laugh at Scratchy and then dies himself.

11. "Wiggum's Warning" (0:41)

[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (0:20)

Bart and Lisa check out a gift shop.

  Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! Cool...personalized
        plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on.
 Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
   Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

% In the episode there is about three minutes more of show between
% this clip and the next. Here it looks as if these two segments
% follow each other as there is no act-break static as with other
% clips.

[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (0:41)

Cletus watches the robot parade.

  Cletus: Hey Maw, I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter.

The flash causes the robot to malfunction.

     Man: (laughs) Uh, no flash photography, please.

Meanwhile Bart and Lisa watch "The Roger Meyers Story"

Narrator: Roger Meyers' next full-length feature was the wildly
          successful "Pin-Itchy-o".
Scratchy: [Italian accent] Now you be good Pin-Itchy-o, and don't
          you lie.
   Itchy: I promise I will never hurt you.

His nose grows and pokes Scratchy in the eye.

Scratchy: Ouch!
    Lisa: I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize

A Scratchy robot crashes through the screen and starts to
apparently bleed. Bart and Lisa don't seem to care.

    Bart: Want to get a snow cone?
    Lisa: OK.

12. "Moe Scalping Beer" (0:26)

[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (4:59)

Bart and Lisa see a costumed Itchy.

     Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do
     Lisa: Don't do it, Bart

Bart slingshots a stink bomb into Itchy's mouth.

    Itchy: I just wanted to entertain!
     Bart: (laughs) Can you believe I keep getting away with this...

Security guards take Bart away to the behind the scenes area in a
cart. They pass by some technicians.

    Man 1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator".
    Man 2: We got another jumper on the roof of T. G. I.
    Man 3: We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I
           repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.

A repairman removes a robot face and the robot makes a noise.

Repairman: I really wish they wouldn't scream

They put Bart in a detention room and Homer is already there.

     Bart: Dad?
    Homer: Aw, I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the
     Bart: Yeah. There's just no way to resist it, is there.

Meanwhile in a gift shop...

    Marge: I want all five t-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever".
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: your son has been arrested.
    Woman: I'd be terrible embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.
    Marge: (groans)
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: we've also arrested your older,
           balder, fatter son.

Marge comes to get Bart and Homer.

    Marge: Mmm... Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I
           could just crawl into and die.
  Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.
    Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!

Meanwhile Professor Frink meets with the park repairmen...

    Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells
           us that all robots will eventually turn against their
           masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and
           the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and
Repairman: How much time do we have, professor?
    Frink: Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go
           berserk for at least 24 hours.

A robot springs to life and chokes two of the repairmen.

    Frink: Oh, I forgot to, er, carry the one.

Back in the park, which is now closed...

    Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
    Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
    Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
    Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
           you a diagram?

All the lights go out.

    Marge: Oh, for gosh sakes, what now?

An army of robots comes around the corner. From the robot's
Terminator-like point of view he identifies the Simpsons as other
robots to be destroyed.

    Homer: Hey look, this one's coming on to me. Yoo hoo! Mr. Robot!

% this was the third act break for the episode. The last act began
% with another shot of Homer from the robot's point of view for
% about three seconds. Here that's cut and goes to Lisa's line...

     Lisa: Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be
           your friend.
    Homer: [as a robot is swinging an ax at him] Lisa! Don't
           contradict your elders! [his hair is cut off] Aah! My
           hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh God, I'm ugly.
    Marge: I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary.

Meanwhile at the bird sanctuary, Hans Moleman talks on a pay phone.

     Hans: I want the biggest seed bell you have. No that's too big.

Back at the park...

     Bart: A chopper! We're saved!
      Man: [in Itchy costume] Hey! You're the guys that didn't like
           our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent

The chopper takes off without them.

    Marge: Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed.
    Homer: Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me,
           and maybe the boy!

Homer starts throwing things at the robots including a camera which
goes off and seems to disorient the robots.

     Lisa: Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits.
    Homer: What are you, the narrator?
     Lisa: Aah! Just keep taking pictures!
     Bart: I'll get more cameras! Smashy, smashy!

He smashes a camera shop window.

    Marge: I don't approve of that...
     Bart: [German accent] Hey mouse...say cheese. With a dry, cool
           wit like that, I could be an action hero.

The robots lay motionless on the ground.

    Homer: Die, bad robots, die! (laughs) With a dry, cool wit like
           that, I could be an action hero.
     Bart: [interrupting] Who would have thought that our visit to
           Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best
           vacation ever?
     Lisa: Yeah, best ever!
    Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed... not to
           mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
     Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it
           brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good
           exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.
    Marge: You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation
           ever. Now let us never speak of it again.

13. "Cletus's Tips" (0:45)

Krustyland Attraction Posters in queue

*"Happy Little Elves in Panda Land"
[Doofy, Bubbles (buck toothed elf), Cheery (female elf) with panda
dangling from hanging tea cups]

*"Krusty's Balloon Parade"
[Cletus and Brandine dangling from Itchy and Scratchy balloons with
Itchy holding a pin]

*"Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off"
[Barney and Moe in a boat cowering from a pirate dinosaur]
"A ride so old it should be extinct"

*"The Sea Captain's Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
[The Sea Captain fights an octopus away from the Flanders in a boat-
like car]

*"Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical Revue"
[Mel plays the piano while Mr. Teeny smokes a cigar with a cup of

*"Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein"
[Cletus as a toilet paper mummy chases Milhouse and Ralph in a 
haunted house type attraction]

*"The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
[Selma, Patty, Lurleen Lumpkin, Edna, and Princess Kashmir, dancing
in a kick-line]
"Daily in the Duff Pavilion"

*"Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show"
[McBain with lady in an army bikini on his arm while water skiing
with killer whales]

*"Tooth Chipper"
"The ride that strikes a nerve" [picture of a guy with broken teeth]
[Dolph, Kearney, Nelson, Jimbo on a roller coaster hitting their
teeth on the safety bar]

*"Madame Manjula's The Future Looker-After!"
[Manjula looks into a crystal ball with an image of Sideshow Bob in
it. She surrounded by tarot cards of pictures of Springfield
residents with captions: The Fool (Homer and Santa's Little Helper),
Love (Smithers as Cupid), The Towers (plant cooling towers), Death
(Burns as a reaper), The Hermit (Grampa), Justice (Wiggum at Lard
Lad Donuts with a donut and coffee)]

*"Radioactive Man: the Ride"
[Sherri and Terri inside of a Radioactive Man vehicle spinning
around a nuclear fusion tower exploding with other kids spinning
in Radioactive Man vehicles]

*"Yard Work Simulator"
[Comic Book Guy (dressed as "The Collector" from "Treehouse of
Horror X") wearing a virtual reality helmet holding a rake and
push mower]

*"Impervo the Painless"
"Alive For Now" [Groundskeeper Willie hammering nails into his

The last three posters were not on display at Universal Orlando
when I was last there, but it looks like the posters that are on
display could be easily changed around.

*"Krustyland Map"


The Krustyland Map is pretty consistent with the way the park looks
in the ride and in the queue video.

Midway Booths

As guests are grouped before they enter the ride they wait in the
midway with Springfieldians manning the booths. To the right Apu
runs the concession stand and Patty and Selma run the lost and found
(Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers) booth. To the left Groundskeeper
Willie runs a milk bottle booth and Hans Moleman runs an information

In some midways (there is a different one on each of the three
levels of the ride) there is no information booth. At Universal
Orlando it's only on the second level.

Like the queue video, the midway show is on a constant loop, yet
Krusty's welcome video can start at any time during the show based
on the rate the ride is loading. Usually the show will pick up from
the point it left off on, but sometimes it will skip a segment. At
other times Krusty's welcome will cut into a segment in progress
leaving a character in mid-action instantly going to a static pose.
This is most noticeable in segments with a guest character, like
Lisa in Apu's booth or Moe in Willie's booth, who disappear as
Krusty begins speaking.

The runtime of the midway show is about ten minuets, plus Krusty's
welcome video. The cycle time of the ride is five minuets, forty-
five seconds (the amount of time it takes to load, run, and unload
the ride for the next guests) so during ideal operating conditions
guests will not get to see the entire midway show. Needless to say,
the longer it is taking the ride to load, the more of the show you
will see. Nothing in the midway booths is essential to the storyline
of the ride and more or less works as an enjoyable filler.

Chronological order of segments (times are approximate):

    Apu #1 (18): Welcome/Deep Fried baseball cap
 Willie #1 (13): Man Enough?/Don't Hurt Willie
   Hans #1 (25): Puppet Show
  P & S #1 (17): Unclaimed Items Given to Charity
   Hans #2 (25): Haunted Information Booth
 Willie #2 (19): Rap
    Apu #2 (31): Indian Prime Ministers w/Lisa
Disclaimer (30): woman's voice over PA
 Willie #3 (27): Skinner Faces on Bottles
  P & S #2 (16): Loose a Kid? w/Milhouse
   Hans #3 (24): Bart's Questions
    Apu #3 (31): Freshest Ingredients w/Sarcastic Man
 Willie #4 (21): Everyone's a Winner Except Willie
  P & S #3 (17): Lost Medication
   Hans #4 (38): Information About the Booth Itself
    Apu #4 (28): Cup Sizes
 Willie #5 (25): Break Time w/Moe
  P & S #4 (15): Selma's Boyfriend w/Homer
   Hans #5 (32): No Information
    Apu #5 (26): Prison Labor w/Snake
 Willie #6 (24): Demonstration/Rigged it Himself
  P & S #5 (37): Human Misery/Homer's License
   Hans #6 (23): Diaper Changes w/Grampa and Maggie
    Apu #6 (20): Lime Swirl Ice Cream w/PFT
 Willie #7 (22): Prize For a King w/Cow and Chicken
   Hans #7 (26): Funny Costumes/dresses as a pig

   Apu: Welcome to Krustyland. May I deep fry your baseball cap? It
        costs twenty dollars and is not particularly edible. Much
        like all the other food I am serving. (laughs). [he shows
        some unappealing food items] But you have to leave the park
        to eat something else so we've got you there my friend.
Willie: Ack! Are any of ya man enough to knock down Willie's milk
        bottles? And if ya be man enough, don't hurt old Willie!
        Willie's yer friend! But I'll bet none o' ya are!
  Hans: You know, I'm not just an information booth attendant, I'm
        also an aspiring puppeteer. Wanna see my puppet show? [He
        ducks down and makes a puppet out of his sock and glasses]
        (as puppet) The following rides are closed: The Ferris
        wheel, the Krusty carousel, Krusty's house of the future...
 Patty: [rummaging through items] Anybody loose a sweater? How bout
        these sunglasses? Everything that's not claimed we'll give
        to charity unless it fits us. Even if it doesn't.
 Selma: [puts on an Isotopes baseball cap that's too big] How do I
 Patty: It's you.
  Hans: I'm sorry that the Krusty Haunted Condo is closed. But the
        haunted information booth is open. Just a second. [he puts
        on a sheet] I am a ghost. Oooooh. Awww, don't be scared it's
        only me. [he takes off the sheet, puts it on a hook and gets
        scared by it, falling to the ground screaming]
Willie: (doing a rap) My name is G-Willie and I'm here to say,
        knocking down bottles is the game ta play. Throw balls at
        the bottle with all yer might. [flexes muscle] Won't do a
        thing, 'cause they're nailed down tight... Uh... I mean, eh.
   Apu: Oh, this booth is so boring. How to kill the time? Oh I will
        name all the prime ministers of India in reverse order while
        balancing a soda on my head. Here goes: Singh, Gujral,
        Gowda, Rao...

Lisa approaches Apu.

  Lisa: You forgot Atal Behari Vajpayee. 
   Apu: For a reason; he is as forgettable as his foreign policy 
  Lisa: I thought they were very enlightened. 
   Apu: Ok, get back in line. All right little girl.
  Lisa: Fine.

A disclaimer over the PA plays.

 Woman: Attention Krustyland guests. Please be aware that all flash
        photography and videotaping is strictly prohibited from this
        point on. This is a motion simulator ride involving sudden
        and extreme movement. Expectant mothers and individuals with
        heart, back, and neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure,
        claustrophobia, or those prone to motion sickness or
        dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. Thank you
        for your cooperation and enjoy your visit to Krustyland.
Willie: That's easy to hit the bottles. Just pretend they're
        Principal Skinner's stupid face. [the bottles morph into
        faces of Principal Skinner and he smahes them with a ball] 
        Aw, Willie's sorry. Wait, how did you people see those
        faces? They're in me imagination. Oww, what else am I
        imagining? I bet this hammer is really a feather. [he hits
        himself with a hammer] Gaah! Oh, hammer it is.
 Patty: Ok, I've got a camera, car keys, cell phone, this kid. [she
        holds up Milhouse who wishfully smiles as they pause for a
        moment] Any takers? No? (to Milhouse) One more week then
        I'm afraid we'll have to put you down.

Bart approaches Hans.

  Bart: I'd like some information.
  Hans: My pleasure. 
  Bart: Who won the 1942 world series?
  Hans: The St. Louis Cardinals.
  Bart: Why is the sky blue?
  Hans: The molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun. 
  Bart: Why are you so lame?
  Hans: I was a very sickly boy and I never developed social skills.
  Bart: Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?
  Hans: Yes, yes you are.
   Apu: Here at my concession stand, I use only the freshest

The sarcastic man approaches Apu with some gross food items.

   Man: I've got those leftover snacks from the county fair you
        ordered. Half-eaten nachos, flat soda that's been left in
        the sun, and slices of pizza with footprints on them.
   Apu: That is disgusting.
   Man: Ok, sorry.
   Apu: No, no, leave them here so I can properly dispose of them.
   Man: Right. Sure you will... jerk.

He takes everything from him and puts a five dollar sign on it.

Willie: Step right up! Everyone's a winner, except Willie, running a
        lousy milk bottle booth, never learning to read or write,
        sleeps with his head on a bag of fertilizer. Never a shred
        of meat in Willie's stew. That's right folks. Good times!
        Everyone's a winner.
 Selma: This contains every medication that was lost in the park in
        the last week.

She takes all the medication, puts them in a blender and drinks it.
She starts to hallucinate; her hair droops and her pupils begin to

 Selma: My headache's gone, but now I'm blind.
  Hans: Welcome to the information booth. I suppose I should start
        by telling you some information about the booth itself. It
        was made 25 years ago and has never been repaired. Time and
        nature have caused the wood to splinter. I collect those
        splinters and use them to manufacture this replica of the 
        information booth. [he shows a miniature model of the booth
        with a tiny version of himself] If you're wondering if the
        booth is to scale, the answer is yes. If you're curious what
        that scale is the answer is seventeen to one.
   Apu: You may be wondering about the size of the cups here at
        Krustyland. This for example is a large sized soft drink.
        [it's very small] It sells for ten dollars. This may sound
        like a great deal of money but it comes with a free refill.
        And by free refill I mean that you drink the soda, then wait
        for the ice to melt, and then you drink that. Heh. Also the
        macho nachos are not, eh, not very macho.
Willie: Ok Moe, while Willie's on break take good care of me prized

Moe approaches Willie.

   Moe: Ah no problem Irish, it's in good hands. (singing to the
        tune of "Sailing, Sailing") Looting, looting, everything in
        sight. [He puts stuffed toys of Krusty, Itchy, and Bumblebee
        Man into a sack] Hey enjoy the park everybody.
 Selma: Hey Patty, check this out. I made a boyfriend out of all the
        lost and found stuff.

She shows Patty her "boyfriend" which is a coat, hat, and a camera
with glasses for a face. Homer approaches.

 Homer: I believe this is mine. [he takes the camera and the
        "boyfriend" falls apart]
 Selma: It was still the most meaningful relationship I ever had.
  Hans: Welcome to the information booth. Before you ask any
        questions I should tell you the things I don't have any
        information or knowledge about so you can avoid those areas.
        I know very little about the layout or operating hours of
        the park. I am also unfamiliar with the location of the
        nearest bathroom or restaurant. I am also ignorant regarding
        matters of first-aid, park exits, local freeways, and
        turkey, either the country or the bird. Now, how can I help
   Apu: Ok, here is a fun fact. Did you know that this entire park
        was built by prison convicts? Yes, it's true. 

Snake approaches Apu in an orange jumpsuit.

 Snake: Yo, they test everything on us; the rides, the food, the
        slogans. It's totally inhumane.
   Apu: Quiet or I will have you clean the men's room at the burrito
 Snake: No, I lost two buddies there. Oh.
Willie: All you got to do is knock down those bottles. And don't
        think it's one of those carnie attractions you can't
        possibly win. I'll show you it's on the up and up. Just aim
        for the middle bottle. Like so. [he punches the bottles]
        Ahhh! I forgot. It's rigged! I rigged it myself!
 Patty: The best thing about this box is it contains people's
 Selma: Doesn't it make you feel great knowing somebody's going to
        walk all the way out to their car then realize they don't
        have their keys?
 Patty: Hey look! It's Homer's driver's license.
 Selma: 185 pounds? Who's he trying to fool?

She lights the license on fire and light cigarettes with the flame.

 Patty: Oh, you devil you.

They laugh and cough and smoke. Grampa and Maggie approach Hans.

Grampa: Do you have a diaper changing station?
  Hans: Why yes we do.
Grampa: Good. You hold this baby while I make use of it.

He hands Maggie to Hans. Hans holds Maggie for a moment looking
awkwardly at the guests until Grampa comes back. The pimply faced
teen approaches Apu with a carton of vanilla ice cream with a five
dollar price on it.

  Teen: Mr. Nahasapemapetalian. I think this Ice Cream is spoiled.
   Apu: Oh watch and learn my son. This is not vanilla ice cream. It
        is lime swirl.

He erases the word vanilla and replaces it with "lime swirl." The
teen gasps. Then Apu erases the five dollar price and replaces it
with ten. The teen gasps louder.

   Apu: I know, I am great.
Willie: Step right ups lads and lassies. Knock down Willie's old
        baby bottles and I'll give ya a prize worthy of a king. [He
        takes out a cow and chicken from under the counter] Willie
        would take milk and eggs over stuffed teddy bear any day.
        [the cow moos] There, there Fuzzy. I'll steal ya back in
        the dead of night. [the chicken clucks and lays an egg]
  Hans: People ask me, don't you get bored standing here all day? I
        admit sometimes I do, but that's why I spice things up by
        wearing funny costumes. Like this one. [he puts on a pig
        snout and makes ears with his fingers] Can you believe I'm
        getting paid for this? (sighs)

As the action in one booth occurs, everyone in the other booths
pass the time

   Apu: Eats a hotdog, looks at a centerfold in a magazine called
        "Mini-Mart News" with a picture of the Kwik-E-Mart on it
        and gets embarrassed, sprays breath freshener in mouth
        and then uses it as deodorant, yawns
  Hans: Cleans glasses, shoos a fly as it goes by, combs his hair
        with his hand
 P & S: Selma eats a tic-tac. Patty gestures for one. Selma smells
        her breath and gives her a handful. They whisper to each
        other and look like they're talking about the guests. Selma
        picks a hair off of Patty. Selma waves to someone. Patty
        digs in her ear.
Willie: Chews gum, drinks a soda

The sign at the midway entrance reads: Welcome to Krusty's Carnival
Midway- Please wait here. [with a picture of Krusty saying, "It's
called a "Midway" because it's midway between a rip-off and highway
robbery! Hee-hee!"]

At Hans Moleman's information booth:

Attractions closed today:

* Radioactive Man the Ride
* Yardwork Simulator
* The Sideshow Mel Experience
* Poochie's Toddler Kennel
* Krusty's email-Checking Station

Slated for Demolition

* Traumanator Coaster

Area attraction coupons:

* Krusty Brook Woods: Timeshare- A good investment or a GREAT one?
  (with map of timeshare that looks like Krusty's face on wall)
* Patty & Selma's museum of vacation photos
* Hot Time at the Tire Yard Fire Tour
* Moe's Tavern: Free date with Moe with purchase of drink
* Crazy Carl's Coupon Castle: Present this coupon for 1/2 off any
* Sea Captains Seafood Shack: Three-eyed fish for the price of
  two-eyed fish
* The Gilded Truffle: Springfield's only restaurant with waiters

At Apu's Concession Stand:

* Snacks
  Fried Sugar..$1
  Donut Rinds..$1

* Cotton Candy, Flannel Candy, Linen Candy 99 cents

* 100 Taco for $100

The Buzz cola machine and popcorn machine (which really pops
popcorn) are both three-dimensional while other props, as most of
the midway props are, such as the cotton candy maker are two-

Willie's booth advertises 3 balls for $1 and has stuffed toys of
Krusty, Bumblebee Man, and Itchy, but no Scratchy.

Patty and Selma's booth has little detail to it.

Also seen:

Itchy and Scratchy Wheel of Pain (the wheel randomly lights up)

1. Crushed Lip
2. Squished Eyeball
3. Stubbed Eyeball
4. Kicked Tush
5. Finger Bender
6. Sliced Eyebrow
7. Eyebrow Shave
8. Pinched Bellybutton
9. Smashed Hand
10. Smushed Finger
11. Noogie Time!!!!
12. Knee Crack!!!!
13. Stubbed Toe
14. Scalp Twister!!!!
15. Eyeball Switch

Categories on the test your strength game, from top to bottom:
Krusty, Super Hero, Normal Hero, Nudge, Schlub, Schlemiel, Coma

There is also a generic advertisement for the Itchy and Scratchy
show, a ticket booth, and the closed entrance doors for the
"Screamatorium of Dr.Frankmarestein" and "Madame Manjula's The
Future Looker-After!"

Advertisements seen in midway (on monitor for Krusty's greeting)

* Krustyland ATM: Fees raised from $2 to "double however much money
  you're taking out" - sorry
* Krusty Kotton Ear Swabs!: 4 Cool new flavors in the gift shop
* Hall of the Secretaries of the Interior- Wait Time 0:00
* Glow in the Dark Necklaces- That die when you get home. $10
* Krusty's Tribute to great theme park lines- Wait time: 45 minutes
  [picture of Krusty standing in front of a map]
* Merlin's Medieval Joust- Closed for Wizard Re-Bearding
* Krusty's Splash Zone Fright Flume: closed for private wedding
* Krusty's Nuclear Waterslide: Closed for radiation concerns
* Krusty's Funteractive Lithuanian shtetl- Wait time: 10 minutes
* Krustyland Warning: When riding Krusty's stagecoach stampede,
  please avoid the "Groping Undertaker"
* Now Hiring dancer to play guitar in Four Food Groups Singing
  Spectacular: Must have dancing grapefruit experience
* Krustyland Vacuum cleaner bags: Remember your Krustyland vacation
  every vacuum day
* Haunted Condo: closed for annual ghostbusting
* Rain Ponchos: $5 When Dry, $20 When Wet
* At the Krustyland Fudge Factory we'll caramel anything [a family
  holds various camramelized items]
* Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off- wait time: 300 minutes
* The Newest Krustyland Sensation: Clown Hair- looks like cotton
  candy with the clown hair taste kids love
* Comming Soon- Captain Queasy's Barf Cruise

Krusty's greeting (2:15)

Somewhere indoors, Krusty greets us with many Springfieldians around

Krusty: Hey! Hey! It's me, Krusty! (Laughs) Congratulations. The
        line's almost over. Only forty-five more minuets. Just
        kidding! I have no idea how much longer it is. So here to 
        entertain you are Itchy and Scratchy.

A costumed Itchy and Scratchy stumble around.

Barney: [in Scratchy outfit] (Burp)
  Bart: Hey, those are just two drunks you fished out of the gutter.
Barney: That's a lie. [he pours a bottle of beer down the eye hole]
Krusty: You're fired. And leave the suit.
Barney: All right, I'll take this thing off. [he's nude underneath]
Krusty: Gah! Keep the suit! One word of warning that may your
        otherwise enjoyable day at my park. There's a psychopathic
        killer on the loose. His name is Sideshow Bob [shows Bob's
        picture] and he used to work for me. For some reason he
        hates me.

Krusty directs us to a TV with a clip from the Krusty show. Krusty
throws a pie in Bob's face, kicks him in the groin, pushes him into
a cannon, and fires it into a wall.

Krusty: Then Bob tried to frame me for robbery, and he was foiled by
        the Simpsons, [a picture of the Simpsons appears on the TV]
        and now he's vowed to kill them all, even the baby! Six
        months ago Bob escaped from the Springfield Penitentiary.

Krusty directs us to a TV with a clip showing Bob jumping the prison
wall and into a truck full of pillows but as he jumps the pillow
truck drives away and a truck full of barbed wire pulls up into
where Bob falls.

Krusty: He is rumored to be in the vicinity of this park. But rest
        assured my cracker jack security team has everything under
Wiggum: [looking at his gun with Lou and Eddie] I'm sorry does
        anyone know which end the bullet goes in?

Meanwhile outside Barney walks away in the Scratchy outfit. Bob,
first looking like a palm tree, appears out of the darkness. He
clubs Barney over the head with a churro he got from a basket
labeled "Yesterday's Churros". He takes the Scratchy suit and puts
it on. Back at the park,

Krusty: Now, which lucky family will be the first to go on my
        thrilling new ride? Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, make it
        quick I gotta go, to the little clowns room so, the family
        that will see my show, is the one who hollers...

Bob, in the Scratchy suit steps on Homer's foot.

 Homer: Doh'
Krusty: Fine, you're in. Come with me. Oh, and you can pick one
        other group to come with you.
  Bart: [pointing to us] How bout these guys?
Krusty: Uh sure, whatever. They look clean. You guys come with me.
        [to us] You stay here and wait for someone to tell you to do
   Bob: (Evil laughter)

Watching Krusty: Kent Brockman, Brockman's daughter, Mrs. Prince,
                 Martin, Mr. Prince, Lenny, Carl, Sherri, Terri,
                 Milhouse, Kirk Van Houten, Database, Miss Hoover,
                 Big Nosed Punching Man, Comic Book Guy, Julio (the
                 roommate in "Three Gays of the Condo"), Marge,
                 Maggie, Bart, Lisa, Homer, Grampa, Miss Allbright,
                 Rod, Todd, Ned, Fat Tony, Rich Texan, Disco Stu,
                 Cookie Kwan, Dr. Hibbert, younger Hibbert son,
                 Hibbert daughter, Bernice Hibbert, older Hibbert
                 son, Rev. Lovejoy, Helen Lovejoy, Jessica Lovejoy,
                 Janey, Larry the barfly, Jasper, Nelson, Kearney,
                 Dolph, and Jimbo

Funhouse (pre-ride boarding room) (3:45)

Krusty ushers the Simpsons, including Grampa, through a door reading
"Krusty Krew Members Only"

Krusty: This is where we make all the wonder and imagination that
        fuels our park! Hurry! Put on these lead vests!

He hands them lead vests with the nuclear radiation symbol on them.
Lisa looks at a glowing green door.

  Lisa: Krusty? Is this a nuclear reactor? [she sticks her hand
        through and there's electrical buzzing] Ohhh!
Krusty: What do you know about nuclear energy, kid? Leave that to us

Professor Frink runs in urgently.

 Frink: Oh, uh, Mr. Krusty, sir! The reactor is terribly dangerous!
        With the leakages and the crackages, Observe! [he puts a
        hamster in a cage into the reactor] Oh, the growing is
        happening. [the hamster grows large and breaks out of the
        cage] Now, if a human being were to enter that room, who
        knows what events might occur-ulate! [to Marge and Maggie]
        They could grow 50 feet tall, [to Homer] or three extra
        arms, [to Bart] or an eye where their nose should be, which
        is painful.
Krusty: [yanking Frink by the collar] Hey, Nerden-heimer! Don't you
        have a test tube to polish?
 Frink: Yes, I do, actually. But you denied my request for test tube
        polish! I've been using rainwater and my shirt-tail.
Krusty: [tosses Frink out] Get outta here!

Krusty brings the Simpsons to the vehicle boarding station door
where the pimply faced teen stands guard.

Krusty: Here we are at the vehicle boarding station.
   PFT: [to Grampa] I'm sorry, sir! People with heart conditions may
        not ride!
Grampa: Why, I'm in the best shape I've ever... Oh! Heart attack!
        [clutches chest] been in my life! I feel like a twenty...
        [twitches painfully] Ugh, stroke! ... year-old! Massive 
        aneurysm! I'll wait outside.
 Marge: Ooh, you can watch Maggie!
 Homer: You can enjoy each other's nonsense!
Maggie: (speaking gibberish)
Grampa: You don't say? Well, back in my day, people never had to...

The rest of the family walks away.

Grampa: Well, Maggie, looks like I'll be taking care of... [falls

Maggie wiggles out of the lead vest and off of Grampa's lap. She
goes into the nuclear reactor and from her shadow we can see she's
growing to be a giant.

Maggie: (loud sucking)
Grampa: That's it Maggie. Stay with Grampa. [he's holding the giant
        hamster in place of Maggie]

The family walks into the ride room with the Krusty car.

 Homer: Wow! We're the first people ever to ride this baby! We're
        like that space guy who did that moon thing!
  Lisa: Neil Armstrong?
 Homer: No! Chewbacca! (imitates Chewbacca)
Krusty: Now enjoy the Ferris wheel... or whatever this is. [a hand
        holding a gun pokes Krusty] Whaddya want?
   Bob: [taking off the Scratchy head] A dish best served cold!
 Homer: Is it ice cream?
   Bob: NO! Revenge! [punches Krusty and he passes out] (laughs
 Homer: But we're on vacation! Can't ya kill me on a workday?
   Bob: Simpsons... GET IN THAT RIDE!
  Lisa: Forget it, Bob! We'll never... DAD?!
 Homer: [sitting in the car] I've waited in line an hour for this
        thing and I'm riding it! Now hop in! [they do so]
   Bob: [to us] Now, the last thing you'll ever see! A legally
        required safety video.
   All: Ahhh!

A cartoon, "Itchy & Scratchy in Safety First", begins to play with
a woman's voice narrating.

 Woman: Here are some brief guidelines to ensure a safe and pleasant
        experience. [Scratchy begins to make a dash for the ride and
        Itchy nails his tail to the floor] When the doors open, move
        immediately into the vehicle boarding station. [Scratchy's
        fur gets torn off] Walk; don't run. [Itchy and Scratchy push
        their way through the doors carrying various Krustyland
        merchandise] Proceed to the left and right side of the
        vehicle. [Scratchy puts down his camera and Krusty stuff]
        We ask that you place all large or fragile items, including
        cameras and video recorders, against the wall outside the
        vehicle, and hold on to all loose articles. [Itchy puts his
        bag against the wall and takes a seat, removing his
        sunglasses Take your seats in an orderly fashion and please
        watch your head as you enter the vehicle. [Scratchy hits his
        head on the door as he enters. Itchy hits him on the head
        with a mallet] If you have difficulty dealing with small
        spaces, make the Krusty Krewmember aware of this before
        entering the vehicle. [Scratchy struggles under the lap bar
        and breaks it off, cutting off his head] Once you are
        seated, please pull down on the lap bar. [Itchy sitting
        comfortably reads "Little Mouse on the Prairie" in reading
        glasses. Two Krusty Krewmwmber dogs scold a headless
        Scratchy] Please remain seated and face forward while the
        vehicle is in motion. [Scratchy (now with a head) puts his
        arm around his wife. Itchy takes his hand unknowingly under
        the vehicle and to the other side] Keep your arms and legs
        clear of the closing doors and inside the vehicle at all
        times. [the door closes on Scratchy's arm cutting it off.
        The other door closes safely next to Itchy] No still or
        motion picture photography of any kind is allowed. [Scratchy
        takes a picture and a bunch of missiles launch on him
        turning him into a skeleton] Thanks for your attention!
        [Itchy puts his camera in his pocket and smiles] Enjoy the

Seen on screen before video starts

Krustyland Quotes

"This ride is really, really, really, really great. You're gonna
love it so much." --Sarcastic Praise Magazine

"One time at Krustyland I ate a rainbow ice cream and went on a ride
and then my tummy hurted and my mouth cried a rainbow" --Ralph

[picture of a newspaper] Thrill Ride Weekly
Krusty's all new ride to be FUNNEST ever!
[picture of Krusty giving a thumbs up]
Headline writer fired for using FUNNEST- not a real word

[picture of a control room with people looking at sections of the
park on monitors and Krusty looking at a picture of a lady clown in
a bikini]

Artist's Conception- "The Roller-Coaster of the Future?" [picture
of an alien and people in astronaut outfits on a roller coaster]

Fun level- Krusty rides vs other theme park ride [a graph showing
Krustyland's level high above other theme park rides] Note: No
research was done in the creation of this chart

All-New Thrilltacular Upsy-Downsy
Spins-Aroundsy Teen-Operated Thrill Ride

Number of rides: 1
Budget of ride: $10,000,000,000,000
Length of track: 3 miles
Krusty's favorite number: 6
Number of items on the list so far: 5
Biggest number in the world: 98,842,912
Number of writers who compiled this list: 20
Number of people reading this list: 0

Pictures on wall

*Krusty with Matt Groening
*Krusty with the Krust-Lites [they look like a 1950's music group]
*Krusty as he looked in "The Last Temptation of Krust"
*Young Krusty aiming a pie at a dog while his dad reads a newspaper
 in the background

Signs reading:

*More fun than sitting at home
*No turning back!
*Best Krusty can afford!
*Prepared to be thrilled
*This way to fun
*You made it
*Here it comes [picture of a pie in Krusty's hand]

The video monitor looks like a carnival calliope decorated with
ornaments of Krusty, Itchy, and Scratchy. The room also has a
funhouse mirror. 

The cycle time of the ride is 5 minutes and 45 seconds. That is the amount of time it takes for the ride to load, run, and unload for the next guests. This works out to about 10.435 cycles per hour. With 24 cars, each holding 8 guests, 192 people can ride per cycle. If there are no delays or empty seats about 2003.5 people can ride per hour. The actual riding time is about 4 minutes and 15 seconds with a target load and unload time of about 90 seconds. Some of the quotes were a little difficult to make out, especially some of Bob's lines, and may be off. Homer: [voice only] All right everyone; sit down, times a wasting. The faster we do the ride the sooner I can hit the bathroom. Sit down already so Sideshow Bob can kill us! Hey, let's play the sit down game! Rule number one: sit down. Rule number two: keep doing it. Rule number three: the end. Now sit down all the seats are the same except the ones that are better. I'll make an annoying noise if you don't sit down. (annoying noise) Ok, rides over. Ha-ha, kidding! The pimply faced teen appears on a television above the ride vehicle. He's sitting in a control room with a name tag reading "Sideshow Jeremy." PFT: Don't worry folks. Your comfort and safety and safety is in the hands of highly qualified teens like myself. We're required to take an extensive training course and not wear facial hair. Enjoy yourself but keep the screaming down. I have a math test to study for. If I don't get a C, I get kicked out of the audio-visual club. (groans) He begins to read his book upside down. After a moment he realizes it is upside down and turns it right side up. If the ride takes longer to launch a graphic reading "Krustyland, where vacation takes a holiday" appears with Krusty and Mr. Teeny dancing. Then Sideshow Bob appears on the television sitting in the control room of a wrecking ball. Bob: I've taken over every area of the park. There's no place you'll be safe from me! And now enjoy your ride that's about to be demolished... while you've riding it! (evil laughter) Bob pulls a lever that's labeled thrilling to killing. Our ride vehicle begins to rise to the top of a roller coaster. The animation is now in CGI (where you can see all the spikes on Bart and Lisa's hair) Homer: Oooh, a roller coaster! Lisa: I'm scared Dad! Homer: Sweetie they won't kill you in an amusement park as long as you have a dime left in your pocket. Our ride vehicle stops behind the Simpson's Krusty car with Bob standing off to the side on the wrecking ball platform. It is currently day time. Bob: There's nothing you can do. You're about to die! Homer: You sound like my doctor! [our car crashes into the Simpson's and they go down the first drop] Bob: [to us] Ahhh, my next victims. So anyway, away with you all, ta. [our car follows the Simpson's] Homer: Bob, not only are you not killing us, I'm having fun! Marge: Homey they said to stay seated! Homer: Oh that's a load of [he gets struck by the wrecking ball and goes flying] craaaaaap! I always get sick flying backwards! Doh' Hey I can see our car! [falls on the track] [to us] You guys haven't seen a giant steel ball have ya? [the ball starts to chase him] You don't want to hurt me ball! We're both big and round and never finished high school! [the track explodes and the Simpsons go flying through the air] Save me tourists! We free fall through a giant Krusty head's mouth on the ride tracks. Krusty: Welcome to a magical journey through my mouth. Nelson: [in car in front of us] You're all gonna die! Haw-haw! We crash through the "Happy Little Elves in Panda Land" attraction and land in a giant cup dangling from the ceiling. Bart and Lisa are in the next cup. Bart: A kidde ride. (groans) Lisa: At least we're safe. Bob: [Bob strapped to a giant animatronic panda pops out from behind a wall] Panda begs to differ! [Bart and Lisa scream] [to a singing elf] Will you shut up? Say "wee!" The panda swings Bart and Lisa's cup into another panda whose head comes off as we crash through a wall and land in "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off." Marge and Homer are in a boat. Homer: Alone at last. Marge: Bob's trying to kill the kids! Homer: It just gets better and better! They go down a steep waterfall and we follow. Bob: [his image appearing on a waterfall] Now Homer, because I want to be fair, a piece of advice: Resist every temptation that I've laid in front of you. Homer spies a beer in the hands of one of the pirate dinosaurs. Homer: Oooh beer! [he tries to pry it away from the dinosaur] Marge: Homer, it's a temptation! Homer: When did beer hurt anybody? [the dinosaur figures start to fall apart] Uh-oh, I hate chain reactions! The building starts to fall apart and their boat goes through a hole in the wall as we follow down a crowded grandstand, narrowly missing the pimply faced teen selling popcorn, and landing in a tank of water at "Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show." It's now early evening. On shore Bob is attached to the giant panda with Bart dangling in the panda's grip. Bob: [to Bart] You foiled my plans for the last time! Marge and Homer's boat hits the wall and Bart falls out of the Panda's grip and into the boat. Bart: You soiled your pants for the last time? (laughs) Homer starts a motor on the boat to escape as Bob starts shooting at them. A whale pops up out of the water with Lisa on his back. Lisa: [to us] We'll save you! [she tosses a rope to our ride vehicle] Onward convenient whale! Our vehicle follows the whale and the Simpsons as Bob continues to shoot. Homer: Maybe that exit sign leads to an exit. [an explosion throws Homer out of the boat where he is dangled behind from a rope] Marge, stay away from the ramp! Marge: What? [the boat goes up a ramp and tosses upside down as we follow] Homer: I mean ramps! We go up another ramp and are narrowly missed being hit by a large piece of the grandstand. We crash through the back of the bleachers where Bob and his panda are waiting. Bob: Now for the unkindest cut of all! The panda uses a giant circular saw to cut into the floor where we dangle over a long shaft. A giant Maggie appears. She picks up Bob and pushes the panda aside. Lisa: Look what the radiation did to Maggie! Homer: They grow up so fast. With Bob in her grip Maggie begins hitting our ride vehicle. Bob: Ta-ta tourists! We begin to fall down the shaft but Professor Frink appears in a helicopter-like flying machine. Frink: Do not fear, a nerd is here! Frink fires a suction cup on a rope to our vehicle securing it as we narrowly miss a giant animatronic devil. Frink propels us up out of the shaft and to the top of Springfield at the Hollywood-like Springfield sign. It is now night. Bob is standing on giant Maggie's forehead dangling her pacifier above her. Bob: I'll give you back your pacifier if you destroy Springfield! Our vehicle crashes into the sign and goes down a hillside, past the power plant and through some explosions. Wiggum: [voice over a loud speaker] Careful! The baby is wet and presumed cranky! Our vehicle zips through the streets of Springfield. The Simpsons travel alongside us on a Krustyland parking tram. Homer: I'm not gonna change that diaper! Marge: Mommy's coming giant Maggie! Bart: Come on Maggie! Destroy something! Maggie, with Bob on her forehead, still trying to get the pacifier, knocks over the KBBL radio tower and it explodes. Apu: [outside the Kwik-E-Mart] You break it you bought it! We narrowly miss getting hit by Otto in the school bus and go through the giant donut on the Lard Lad donuts sign. We wind up in the town square where giant Maggie has the pacifier in her mouth with Bob dangling from it as she tries to shake him off. Marge: Get away from my baby! Maggie shakes Bob off and sees our vehicle. Lisa: Maggie, that's not a pacifier! Maggie sticks our vehicle in her mouth and sucks on it. Marge: Get those tourists out of your mouth! You don't know where they've been! Maggie spits us out and we land in telephone pole wires outside of Moe's Tavern. Barney: (burp) The wires sling shot us past Maggie and through a large sign reading "Send Money to Universal Studios." We land in the Simpson's driveway and nearly run over Homer into the garage like in the Simpsons TV show opening. We wind up in the Simpson's house where they gather to the sofa. Homer: Home sweet... [a lap bar comes down over the Simpsons and the walls to their house fall down leaving them in outer space and on the "Death Drop" attraction] doh! Kodos: [in spaceship with Kang] Foolish Earthlings; don't you know all rides must end near the gift shop? Kang pulls a lever and the Simpsons rapidly descend down the Death Drop as we follow. Homer: My bosoms are slapping my face! Lisa: Thanks for nothing gravity! Ralph: [being carried by a vulture] I'm a baby bird! Marge: This must be the part where they take your picture! Okay smile! [they pose] We land at the front entrance to Krustyland, which is now in ruins, to find Sideshow Bob with a circular saw-like weapon. Bob: Five seconds to kill somebody! [to us] Hello folks! The sofa falls on top of Bob and the Simpsons land on top of it. Homer: What a horrible nightmare. Thank God this ride is over. Giant Maggie pushes the giant Krusty head on top of the family and our vehicle as we are lowered back to the floor. There are some minimal fire effects in the ride building. Homer: [voice only] Let's go again! Krusty appears on the TV set above the vide vehicle sitting in the control room. It is now back to 2-D animation. Krusty: Well that's our ride. [looks at a red button] Hey, what does this do? He pushes the button causing our vehicle to vibrate and he laughs. The ride is over. Waiting in line at "Happy Little Elves": Grampa, Mayor Quimby Waiting in line at "Captain Dinosaur's": Comic Book Guy, Groundskeeper Willie, Steven Speilberg (?) In Springfield: Apu, Otto, Moe (looking outside bar), Barney, Mr. Burns and Smithers (in a hot air balloon during the death drop), Ralph Springfield locations seen at the top of roller coaster: School, Church, Moe's/King Toots, Kwik-E-Mart, Krusty Burger, Power Plant, "Springfield" Hollywood-style sign, Lard Lad Donuts Locations seen zipping around Springfield: Power plant, Aztec Theater, Kwik-E-Mart, Moe's, KBBL studios, town square, comic book store The Aztec theater has a two posters for the Simpsons Movie outside. Krustyland attraction seen at the top of roller coaster: Giant bottle of Duff, Krustyland, Hotel, parachute drop, Death Drop, Splash Mountain type ride, Ferris wheel, rest of roller coaster with "Condemned! Sign", Giant spinning Scratchy Signs on roller coaster as we rise to the top: "Roller Coaster to Be Demolished", "Do Not Enter", "Seriously", "It's Your Funeral" There are several flags at the top of the roller coaster, one is a pair of underwear. Attractions at the front of the park at the end of the ride: Ferris Wheel with a big K on it, Giant Scratchy, Giant Duff Bottle, Kang and Kodos statues, roller coaster

Comments and observations

Back to the Future vs. The Simpsons

The Back to the Future ride ran for as long as it was probably
intended to. In the ride we are transported into the future, the
year 2015; a time period in which we'll have flying cars. At the
time of the ride's closure, 2007, this Jetsonian idea of the future
was only 8 years away.

With every passing year it seems less and less likely that 2015
will be like it was depicted in the Back to the Future ride and
second Back to the Future movie. It's a bit of a downer. When I was
a kid I was so eager to get a hoverboard as soon as they were
available. I'm still waiting.

But even without any regard to the anachronistic overtones of the
ride it was obviously intended to close well before 2015. And being
a simulator ride to boot it was probably taken into consideration
from the start that the ride could be easily re-tooled and changed
into a completely different ride later down the road. So why not a
Simpsons ride? As a kid I remember riding on the Hanna-Barberra
simulator ride and thinking to myself while zipping around the
streets of Bedrock how much more I'd sooner be zipping around the
streets of Springfield.

One area in which I found the Back to the Future Ride superior to
the Simpsons ride is that the ride mechanics made the flying
DeLorian feel much more natural than the runaway roller coaster
car in the Simpsons ride. In either ride it's obvious that you are
in a controlled vehicle but in Back to the Future it's supposed to
feel like that. In the Simpsons ride the vehicle is supposed to be
free falling through the sky, floating on water, and dangling from
a rope and it really doesn't pull off the illusion. It requires
a little more suspension of disbelief than Back to the Future.

It's notable that in Back to the Future the guests are the hunter,
we're working with Doc Brown in pursuit of Biff, while in the
Simpsons ride it's reversed and the guests are the hunted along with
the Simpsons as Krusty is incapacitated.

It's also notable that both rides had a key cast member from both
franchises who did not participate- Michael J. Fox and Harry

Why Krustyland?

I found the ride not as Simpsons-ey as I imagined. For most of the
experience we're not in any locations familiar to the show until the
very end. It is more an homage to theme park attractions with the
Simpsons than a ride about the Simpsons. But given the storyline I
can see why that is and I'm not complaining. It also probably makes
the ride more appealing to people who are not familiar with the
show. Although they might not see why Bob hates the Simpsons and
Krusty so much just from Krusty's quick explanation of what happened
in 7G12, but it would have taken too much time to go down the list
of Bob's history with the Simpsons and Krusty.

Well before Universal Studios officially announced it was creating a
Simpsons ride in place of Back to the Future it was rumored to be
just that, but the storyline that was most widely circulated on the
internet was much different. Rather than being at Krustyland the
ride would be at the power plant and the kids from Springfield
Elementary are there taking a field trip. Homer somehow causes a
meltdown and we need to flee the city so Bart takes over Otto's
school bus and takes us on a wild ride through Springfield.

It was kind of assumed that the reason that this wasn't the avenue
taken was because of Harry Shearer's absence, as Mr. Burns,
Smithers, Lenny, Principal Skinner, and Otto would have probably
all had speaking roles. But again this version of the ride was only
rumored and the version that we got is not necessarily plan B. But
even if it was I think the Krustyland idea was a better choice. In
most attractions like these there needs to be some sort of villain
and Sideshow Bob fills that role perfectly. Plus for those of us who
were disappointed by Bob's absence in the Simpsons movie can now
feel a little redemption by his major role in the ride. Maybe Mr.
Burns could have been the bad guy in the alternate version of the
ride as he's arguably as or more evil than Bob, but he's a decrepit
old man and isn't menacing in the way that would work for a ride
like this.

Also in making a Simpsons ride there isn't a basic idea that comes
to mind in what that ride would be like. In other Universal Studios
attractions, which are usually based on movies, guests can get a
general idea of what to expect beforehand. The Simpsons is a long-
running TV series that has covered an endless array of topics and
for the most part the timeline is frozen with each episode as a
stand alone story. There aren't that many story arcs in the show and
the Sideshow Bob episodes are the most notable. Even people who are
just a little bit familiar with the show are probably aware of the
ongoing Sideshow Bob vs. the Simpsons ordeal. In a way the ride is
like an episode of it's own- a stand-alone story that doesn't borrow
too heavily from any specific episode, aside from the Sideshow Bob
episodes, and like in every episode of the show, has no major effect
on future episodes.

Some random thoughts

*The ride is much more surreal than the average episode of the
Simpsons aside from Halloween and other non-cannon episodes,
especially with the giant Maggie.

*The entire ride experience isn't set in real time. The actual ride
time is only about 4 minutes and 15 seconds but is made to give the
impression that it's been going on much longer. At the top of the
roller coaster it's the middle of the day, at the stunt show it's
early evening, and when zipping around Springfield it's night. So
it's not really a continuity error that a character gets from one
spot to another within a much shorter time span than would be needed
in reality.

*The Simpsons season 11 DVD box set is themed around the Simpsons
ride and features many of the same fake attraction posters in the
menus. The start of the ride film is an Easter egg on the fourth
disc. On the disc menu highlight one of the carnival booth signs
and click on it when you see a question mark. The deluxe edition,
the one with the plastic Krusty head, also comes with a express
pass for up to four people for the ride in either Orlando or

*There are many specific references to Disney attractions in the
ride. In the advertisement for the Haunted Condo, the font and
color scheme are identical to the Haunted Mansion's promotional
materials. There's even a reference to one of the ride's iconic
quotes on the Krustyland map encouraging guests to visit the "999
unhappy teen employees" in contrast to the "999 happy haunts" at
the Haunted Mansion.

Many of the references are obvious like with Pirates of the
Caribbean, it's a small world, and The Hall of Presidents, but
some are pretty subtle. On the poster for the Sea Captain's ride
the boat/cars have the same striped canvases as the older Jungle
Cruise boats and the attacking octopus was similar to the attacking
squid in the now defunct 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea attraction
at Disney World and the earlier version of the Submarine Voyage
attraction at Disneyland.

There's even a reference to the Kitchen Cabaret show (later turned
to Food Rocks) that used to be in Epcot Center's the Land pavilion
with the Four Food Groups Singing Spectacular. These two shows were
really weird and absurd with anthropomorphized food singing about
good nutrition. As odd as these two shows were they had a very
campy charm to them and it's nice to see them remembered here.

Krusty even rips off Disneyland's title of "The Happiest Place on
Earth" with "The Krustiest Place on Earth." The Disney attraction
references fit in perfectly. It seems likely that Krusty would be
ripping off his ideas from existing theme park attractions.

*I could not figure out what the Happy Little Elves were singing
no matter how many times I tried. If anyone could decipher it I'd
like to hear it.

*The pay phone outside the Kwik-E-Mart giftshop has random
messages from Simpsons characters. Sometimes it rings and sometimes
you'll hear something when you just pick it up. I heard Bart, Selma,
Nelson, and Ralph. Nelson laughed at me for picking up a fake phone.

This capsule is © 2009 by Tim Reardon. All quoted material remains property of The SimpsonsTM, copyright of Twentieth Century Fox, and The Universal Studios.

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