Some Enchanted Evening

Some Enchanted Evening
                                         Written by Matt Groening and Sam Simon
                               Directed by David Silverman and Kent Butterworth

TV Guide synopsis

With their parents out for a night of romance, Bart and Lisa recognize
their sitter on ``America's Most Armed and Dangerous''.

Title sequence

Blackboard

    {I will not yell ``Fire'' / in a crowded classroom.}
    {I will not yell ``F} at cutoff.

Driveway

    Homer yells ``Auuuugh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch

    Everyone fits, but it's a tight squeeze.

Quotes and scene summary

   

 Breakfast at the Simpsons.  Homer and the kids chow down while Marge watches,
 standing and sipping her coffee.  The radio is tuned to the KBBL traffic
 report.
   
   Bad news, drivers.  There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
   Oh, it's a mess.  There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling
   going on, folks...
   -- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer reaches for the milk, revealing a box of ``Yummy Donuts''.  Bart
 and Lisa struggle for custody of the box (Maggie's eyes watch the
 back-and-forth) until the donut pops out of the box, bounces off Homer's
 head, and lands on his plate.  Homer inhales the pastry.

 The school bus honks its horn, and the kids head out.  Marge holds up two
 lunchboxes:  ``You forgot the special lunches I made.''  Bart and Lisa
 help themselves to Marge's purse.  ``That's okay, Mom!'' responds Bart.
 ``We got money!'' finishes Lisa as she replaces the purse in Marge's
 pocketbook.  Marge's protest is interrupted by a ``Yaaaargh!'' from
 Homer as he glances at his watch and gets up.  Marge closes her eyes
 for a kiss, but Homer takes and drinks her coffee then leaves.

 Overhead shot of the kitchen wreckage.  ``Well, Maggie, it's just you
 and me again.''  Maggie has fallen asleep.
   
   This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble.  All talk, 24 hours a day.
   If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening
   audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin
   Monroe.  The number is 555-PAIN.
   [Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone]
   Don't be afraid, call now!
   [Marge dashes for the phone]
   -- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Marge starts to explain her problem.  ``Hey lady, save your whining for
 when you're on the air, okay?''

 At the plant, Homer listens to the radio.  Dr. Monroe snuffs out his
 cigarette, reaches for another donut, and selects his next call.
   
   Dr.MM: Next we have Marge.  She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of
          a marriage.
   Homer: Hey, turn it up!  I love hearing those wackos!
   -- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
   Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist]  Tell me about your husband, Marge.
   Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more
          romantic! ...  [beginning to sob]  And forty pounds thinner,
          and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently]  And he ate
          with utensils!  [breaks down crying]
   -- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer refuses to believe that it's his wife calling.
   
   Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing.
   Marge: [pause]  Oh, okay.  Well, thank you.  [about to hang up]
   Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!
   -- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 The plant employees nudge each other knowingly.
   
   Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother.
          You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
   Marge: Really?
   Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
          Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got
          to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you,
          you will be leaving.
   Marge: Leave Homer!?
   Dr.MM: Please!  Don't use his real name!
   Marge: Leave Pedro!?
   -- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 The employees crack up.  Homer swallows hard.

 At the Simpsons residence...
   
   Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
   Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor.
   Moe:  Moe's Tavern.
   Bart: Hello, is Al there?
   Moe:  Al?
   Bart: Yeah, Al.  Last name:  Coholic.
   Moe:  Lemme check...  [calls]  Phone call for Al.  Al Coholic.
         Is there an Al Coholic here?
         [bar denizens laugh]
         Wait a minute...
         [to phone]
         Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out
         who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
   -- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer's at the bar, dreading going home.  While Homer eats a pickled

 egg, he explains that Marge is going to leave him because he's a pig.

 Moe agrees; he <is> a pig.  Homer goes for a second opinion.

   
   Homer:  Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
   Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am!   [huge belch]
   -- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
   Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the
        town.  Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
   -- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 And after dinner, Moe suggests they check into a motel.  Homer likes the
 idea and heads out.

 The kids sit at the dinner table.  ``Wow, a quarter past six.  What's
 keeping Dad?'' asks Lisa.  Bart mutters, ``Yeah, he couldn't possibly
 be late on Meatloaf Night.''

 Homer wanders into the florist shop.
   
   Homer:   [unsure of himself]  Uh, I'd like some flowers.
   Florist: What kind of flowers?
   Homer:   Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
   Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses.  They're $55
            a dozen.
   Homer:   [thinks]  One, please.
   -- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 It's now 8:35.  Marge stares angrily at the front door, growling.
 The kids approach her from behind with their empty plates and ask for
 some food.  Marge turns around and *ROARS*.  The kids scream and dash
 off in fright.  Marge turns back towards the door and waits...

 [End of Act One.  Time: 5:33]

 As Marge growls at the door, evil thoughts penetrate her mind, and her
 eyes turn red...

 Outside in the rain, Homer holds a heart-shaped box of candy in one hand
 and a wilted rose in the other.  He practices his entrance, but realizes
 it's no use and just heads for the door.  Marge pulls the door open as
 Homer tries to insert the key.  Stunned, Homer holds up the candy and
 the flower.  ``I love you, Marjorie.''  Marge softens, and they kiss.

 In the kitchen, Bart dials the phone...
   
   Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment.
   Moe:  [answering the phone]  Moe's Tavern.
   Bart: Is Oliver there?
   Moe:  Who?
   Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
   Moe:  Hold on, I'll check.  [calls]  Oliver Clothesoff!  Call for Oliver
         Clothesoff!
   Bart+Lisa: [laugh]
   -- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer fills Marge in on their itinerary...
   
   Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree!
   Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive!
   Homer: It matters not, mon frere!
   -- A night on the town with the boys?  ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Marge picks up the phone to call a babysitter, and hears Moe:  ``Listen,
 you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I <swear> I'll cut
 your belly open!''  She hangs up, figuring it was a crossed wire,
 and tries again.  She calls the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting
 Service, but they refuse when she identifies herself as Mrs. Simpson.
   
   Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
   Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son.
   Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago?
   Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
   -- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
   Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a
   quite misunderstood and underrated family.
   -- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Upstairs, Lisa watches Marge pretty herself up for a night out.
 Bart listens to Homer talk about his mambo dancing, but his smart
 mouth gets him thrown out.  Homer shaves (and his beard grows back
 almost immediately).

 The doorbell rings, and Homer tells Bart to answer it.
   
   Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!
   -- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Bart slides down the banister (*thud*) and answers the door as Lisa
 and Maggie join him.  He opens the door.  The kids swallow hard.
 It's the babysitter.  (Insert jarring chord.)  Curiously, Ms. Botz
 has brought two suitcases.  Marge leaves her with brief instructions:
 Maggie should be put to bed immediately; Bart and Lisa can watch
 ``The Happy Little Elves Meet The Curious Bear Cub''.
   
   [moaning] Oh!  The Elves!  The Elves!
   -- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Marge kisses the kids good-bye.  Bart tries to get Ms. Botz to approve
 alternate viewing, but a menacing threat puts him in his place.  Ms. Botz
 carries Maggie away to bed.  (Maggie waves bye-bye.)

 At the restaurant, Homer checks out the lobster tank and chooses...
 the one floating upside-down at the top.

 Bart suffers through the Happy Little Elves...
   
   Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
   Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
   Bart: You <know> what happens.  They find Captain Quick's treasure.
         All the elves dance around like little green idiots.  I puke.  The End.
   Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
   -- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Bart switches to ``America's Most Armed and Dangerous'', though Lisa
 finds the show too scary.
   
   The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
   If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
   -- ``Some Enchanged Evening''
   
 At the restaurant, the bubbly stops flowing, so Homer orders another bottle
 of their second-cheapest champagne.

 Back at the house...
   
   The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living
   room, while the bandit roamed the house at will,
   [TV pans over an empty house]
   stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!
   -- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 To the music of the Larry Davis Experience, Homer and Marge mambo divinely.

 Meanwhile, Bart and Lisa watch more of America's Most Armed and Dangerous,
 and as the description of the Babysitter Bandit continues, they become
 increasingly frightened.  ``In a moment, we will show you a picture of the
 real Babysitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski [pron.\ /botzokowsky/],
 and remember... she may be using a clever alias.''  A picture of Ms. Botz
 appears on the screen, and the kids scream.  Ms. Botz appears, carrying
 a length of rope.  Bart and Lisa scream,
 ``Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!''  Thunder roars outside.
 ``A{\xCount195 \loop\ifnum\xCount>0 \hskip0pt plus1pt\-a\advance\xCount-1
 \repeat}!''  Thunder roars outside.

 [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:23]

 The kids make a run for it.  Bart ducks into the basement.  Lisa skids
 (cartoon style) into the kitchen and grabs the phone.  But she gets a
 busy signal.  Meanwhile, Homer and Marge are on the highway looking for
 Ye Olde Offramp Inn.  They spot it, but miss the exit.  ``No problemo,''
 says Homer.  ``We'll just get off at the next exit.''  A sign reads,
 ``Next Exit 34 Miles.''

 Ms. Botz descends into the basement looking for Bart.  While searching,
 she finds a cabinet of pickled beets and helps herself.  Atop the
 cabinet is Bart and a bowling ball.  Bart tries to roll the ball onto
 Ms. Botz, but he loses his balance and falls.
   
   Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
   -- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt,
      ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Meanwhile, Lisa hides under the kitchen table and finally gets through.
 As she talks, she is dragged by the phone cord out from under the table.
 By Ms. Botz.  Oops.

 Homer carries Marge across the threshhold, stumbles, and trips, tossing
 Marge (``Wheeeee!!'') onto the waterbed, where she relaxes, while Homer
 rubs his knee.

 Back at home, Ms. Botz has finished tying up Bart and Lisa...
   
   Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz.  Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski.
         You're the Babysitter Bandit.
   Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart.  I hope you're smart enough to keep
         your mouth shut.
   Lisa: He isn't.
   -- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 ... disables the phones, tapes Bart's mouth shut, and leaves them on the
 couch to suffer through The Happy Little Elves.  Bart protests, but Lisa
 says, ``Quiet, Bart!  Let's make the best of this.''

 At the motel, Marge offers to go ``slip into something more comfortable'',
 and Homer hopes it's the blue thing with the... things.

 Maggie wakes up and grabs the mobile above her crib, which she uses as a
 trapeze, landing in a pile of stuffed animals.  She spots Ms. Botz in the
 hallway, relieving the closet of its valuables (and some unvaluables).
 Maggie then wanders downstairs and spots her elder siblings, as well as
 the Happy Little Elves.  She decides to watch the Elves.

 The movie ends, and Maggie tries to turn off the TV with the remote control.
 Lisa asks, ``Wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again?''  Maggie nods.
 ``But ya hafta untie me, first.''  Maggie does so.

 ``Oh... Homer...'' calls Marge seductively.  She's indeed wearing the blue
 thing with the... things.  Homer gives one of his lustful, ``Ohhhhh...''s.

 Ms. Botz continues her pillaging and spots Maggie walking through the
 hallway.  She follows the sound of the sucking, which leads her into
 a dark room.  (*whump*)  The lights come on.  Bart (sucking on Maggie's
 pacifier) has clobbered her with a baseball bat.

 Homer and Marge relax in the waterbed, and Marge decides to check up on
 things at home.  There is no answer because Bart, Lisa, and Maggie
 (clutching Bart's neck like a knapsack) have escaped out the window.
 The kids call from a pay phone.  (Bart goes down on all fours so Lisa
 can stand on his back to reach the phone.)
   
   Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer.  How may we help you?
   Lisa: We caught her!  We caught the Babysitter Bandit!  She's tied up
         at our house right now!
   Bart: Ask if there's a reward.
   Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
   Bart: Yeah!
   -- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer and Marge return home to find Ms. Botz bound and gagged, being forced
 to watch, yes, The Happy Little Elves.  Homer and Marge untie her and
 apologize profusely.  Ms. Botz's first words:  ``Please turn off the TV.''

 Homer helps Ms. Botz with her luggage (``Oh, these things are heavy!'')
 and pays her triple the rate, just so there are no hard feelings.
   
   Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice?
   Homer:   Sure.
   Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
   -- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Ms. Botz speeds off just before Homer is surrounded by police cars.
 Bart explains that they left her tied up in the house, but Homer snags
 him and scolds, ``I just had to untie your babysitter and pay her off
 so that...''  Microphones are shoved in his face.  A reporter asks,
 ``Are you telling the world that you just aided and abetted the escape
 of the notorious Babysitter Bandit?''  Homer fumbles, ``Actually, it
 was quite a struggle!''

 Homer and Marge watch the news.  The caption reads, ``Homer Simpson,
 local boob.''  TV-Homer says, ``Have you ever seen a kung-fu movie?
 It was just like that!''

 Homer shuts off the TV.
   
   Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
   Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that.  The way I see it, you raised three
          children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger,
          you must be doing <something> right.
   -- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
   
 Homer thinks...  ``Yeah!'' and the two kiss as Marge turns off the lights.
 Homer asks, ``Can we make up again?''   Responds Marge, ``Oh, my goodness!''

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:17]
   

Voice credits

Special Guest Voice

    Penny Marshall (Ms. Botz)

Didja notice...

    ... at breakfast, Bart poured the <entire> bowl of sugar onto his cereal?
        Maggie meanwhile stirred her brown oatmeal...
    ... is `melon wrestling' a euphemism for something less printable?  @{cjb}
    ... the gleeful expressions on the girls' faces as they anticipate
        watching the Happy Little Elves tape?
    ... the FBI warning at the beginning of the Happy Little Elves tape?
    ... The Larry Davis Experience plays the same song Homer was humming?

Reviews

Chris Baird @{cjb}:  One of my all-time favourite episodes.

Yours Truly @{rjc}:  An all-time classic.  'Nuff said.

Movie (and other) References

    * The Hunchback of Notre Dame
        - ``The Elves!  The Elves!''
    * America's Most Wanted and other ``Criminals At Large''-type programs.
        - America's Most Armed and Dangerous
    . Jaws
        - the music as Ms. Botz approaches

Freeze Frame Fun

Lunchboxes

    * Krusty
    * Happy Little Elves

Calls on the line

    . Line 1:  Marge, 34, another unappreciated wife
    . Line 2:  Paul Hsi, nail biter (not his own)

The power plant

    * \boxup{7} days since last accident
        The `7' is a replaceable section of the sign.
    * In case of meltdown, break glass.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers Babysitting Service

    * Three babysitters on the couch (incl. Ms. Botz)
    * Painting of a dog barking at a burning house.
    * Poster with photos of the kids: ``No!  No!  No!''
    * Poster:
                    THE SIMPSONS

            NO! NO! NO!     [head shot]
                            [of Lisa]
             [head shot]      LISA
             [of Bart]
                            [head shot]
              BART          [of Maggie]
                              MAGGIE

The phone booth

    * poster of a space mutant on the wall behind the phone booth

Comments and other observations

References

Previous episodes

    * [7G10] The Off-Ramp Inn.

Simpsons 1992 Fun-Time Calendar

    * Dancing lesson

Maggie fall count

    *  During the Al Coholic call (3)
    *  At 6:15
    *  At 8:35
    *  During the Oliver Clothesoff call (3)
    *  As Ms. Botz arrives
    *  Running to watch the Happy Little Elves  (4)
    *  Leaving her room
    *  Sneaking past Ms. Botz
    *  As she reaches the bottom step (almost made it without falling)
    *  Coming in to see Bart and Lisa tied up
    *  Playing decoy in Operation Babysitter-Capture
    *  As Lisa phones 555-U-SQUEAL from a pay phone
    .  For a total of 19.

Boring distribution restrictions

Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1992 by Raymond Chen.
Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)