Homer's Night Out

Homer's Night Out                                          Written by Jon Vitti
                                                         Directed by Rich Moore

TV Guide synopsis

Bart receives his mail-order CIA spy camera just in time to capture
Homer dancing---naked to his (ample) waist and stuffing bills into
a dancer's cleavage at a bachelor party.

Title sequence


    {I will not call my teacher ``Hot Cakes''.}
    {I will not call my teac|} at cutoff.
    {I will not call my teac\hbox{\vphantom h\vrule}} at cutoff.


    Bart makes a thump as he bounces off the roof of the car.
    Homer yells ``Aaugh!'' when the car closes in on him.


    The couch collapses, leaving the family and cushions on the floor.

Quotes and scene summary

 Morning bathroom routine.  As Marge brushes her teeth, she asks about
 the office party Homer attended last night.

   Marge: So how was the office birthday party?
   Homer: Oh, it was de-lightful!  The frosting on the cake was this thick!
          [about an inch]  And Eugene Fisk (my poor sucker of an assistant)
          didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of
          himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance.
          Ha ha ha..
   Marge: Does this girl like him?
   Homer: Pffft.  I have to warn you Marge, I think the poor young thing has the
          hots for Yours Truly!
   Marge: Homer!
   Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer steps onto the bathroom scales...

   Why are the good things so tasty?
   -- Homer weighs himself, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer vows to do exercises every morning.  Marge gives him a hug.
 ``You're not a blimp Homer, you're myyy big cuddwy teddy-bear!''

 Bart sifts through the advertisements in his comic book, is impressed
 by a spy camera advert (``Just like the CIA uses!''), smashes his
 piggy-bank, and mails the coupon.

 Six months later, Homer steps up once again onto the bathroom scale...

   Oh no!  Two hundred and thirty nine pounds!  I'm a whale!
   Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats?
   -- Homer weighs himself, ``Homer's Night Out''

   Homer: Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer!  [does
          stretching exercises in front of the bathroom mirror]
   Marge: Ooh, don't strain yourself, dear.
   Homer: Good idea Marge.  [stops]
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer mentions that Friday night he'll be attending ``a little get-together
 with the boys at work.  Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in valve
 maintenance.''  Marge suspects that this is a stag party, but Homer insists
 that it will be a ``tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.''

   Marge: Mmmhmmm.  Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant?
   Homer: No!  My... supervisor.
   Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant?
   Homer: Hey, what is this!  The Spanish Exposition?
   Marge: Sorry, Homer...
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Bart and Lisa sit on the couch.  Lisa, as usual, has her face in a
 book, Bart is watching TV.

   Bart: [doorbell rings] Oh-ho!  It's the fe-mail-man!
   Lisa: Fe-mail-carrier, Bart.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Bart runs to the front door.

    :  Bart                           | The Fe-mail-man
    : Lady, where's my spy camera.    |
    : Where's my spy camera?          |Where's my spy camera.
    : Where's my spy camera, lady?    |Every day for the last six months,
    : Where is my spy camera?         |``Where is my spy camera?''
    : Where's my spy camera?!         |``Where's my spy camera?!''
    : <Where's my spy camera!>        |``<Where's my spy camera!>''
    :                                 |Here's your stupid spy camera!!
    :                                 |[thrusts a parcel at Bart]
    : Whoa, thanks, man!
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Bart accepts the package the slams the door in the fe-mail-carrier's face.
 He unwraps the camera and wonders if it really works, 'cause he's got a lot
 of spying to do...

 Bart finds Homer doing touching-toes exercises in the bathroom, and from
 Homer's ascending and descending POV, he watches Bart take a photo (mostly of
 his stomach).

   Bart:  [snaps Homer's picture]
   Homer: Bart!  Whaddaya doing!
   Bart:  Sorry Dad, the answer to that is top secret.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Bart photographs Marge shaving her armpits.  So tells him to take wildlife
 pictures.  So Bart takes a picture of a squirrel pancake, complete with
 fresh tire tracks.  Lisa finds Bart in his bedroom with his pants down...

   Lisa: Ewwww, gross.  Momm!  Bart was taking a picture of his butt!
   Bart: [hastily pulls up his pants]
         Oh sure, like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Marge tells the kids to put on some nice clothes.  ``Since it's just
 the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.''
 Lisa looks forward to fried shrimp.  Bart asks, ``Only four of us?
 Who escaped?''  Marge explains that Homer is having a boys' night out.

 At the stag party, Homer and a dozen or so other men sit around a table in a
 smoke-filled room, beer in hand, as the father of the groom-to-be tells a
 touching story of his son.  Homer grouses, ``Where am I?  The planet
 corn-ball?''  Carl tells him things will pick up once the entertainment

 Marge and the kids are seated in the main dining area of the restaurant.
 Lisa wears a origami hat.  The waiter (dressed as a sea-pirate) asks for
 their orders.

   Waiter: Ahoy!  I spy the children's menu!
   Bart:   Ahoy!  This place bites!
   Marge:  Bart!
   -- A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, ``Homer's Night Out''

   Waiter: So what's it going to be, me little buck-o?
   Bart:   A-huh-ha-hmm, let's see... [examines the menu]  This evening I shall
           go for the...  Squid platter...
   Lisa:   [disgusted]  Ewwwww!
   Bart:   ... with extra tentacles, please.
   -- A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Marge asks the waiter do to something about the raucous party next door.
 While Bart fills out a survey form, the waiter tells the men in ``Davy
 Jones' Locker'' to keep it down.  Homer tells him to shut up.
 Everyone apart from Fisks Sr. and Jr. are enjoying themselves, mostly due to
 the effects of alcohol.

 Bart amuses himself by anagramming ``Cod Platter'' into ``Cold Pet Rat''
 on the daily menu.  The waiter returns with their meals.

   Waiter: [fried shrimp for Lisa]  Here you go...                     \\
           [pork chop \'a la // Hawaiian]  There you are...            \\
           [a smaller serving of fried shrimp]  For the baby...        \\
           [to Bart]  And one squid platter, <extra> tentacles.
   Bart:   Heh heh... Urrggghh... [turns green and drops below the table]
   Marge:  Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner!
   Lisa:   [taunting]  Yeah, eat it Bart.
   Bart:   [from beneath the table] May I please be excused for a minute?
   Marge:  Well okay, but don't dawdle.  Your food will get cold.
   Bart:   Urgh.  [leaves the table]
   -- A visit to the Rusty Barnacle, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Maggie removes her pacifier and replace it with piece of shrimp.  She
 sucks on it.

 At the stag party, the entertainment, a belly-dancer, enters the room to
 give Eugene one last taste of bachelor freedom.  His co-workers clear the
 floor and present to him Princess Kashmir, Queen of the Mysterious East.
 All the men go wild, apart from Eugene and his father, and Homer, who is
 preoccupied with eating a hoagie.  Eugene and his dad are clearly not
 enjoying the ordeal.

 Kashmir has no success enticing Eugene, so Homer is invited to dance with
 her and is pushed up onto the table. (``Go for it Homer!'')

 Bart emerges from the Buoys room, hears the hubbub, and pokes his head
 in the door.  He spots Homer tucking money into Princess Kashmir's
 G-string.  He saves the moment forever with his miniature spy camera.
 Homer proudly announces, ``This is the most fun I've ever had in my life!''

 [End of Act One.  Time: 6:31]

 Martin inaugurates Bart into the Future Photographers of America, held in a
 red-lit darkroom.  Bart dispenses with the preliminaries and gets to work.

   Martin: My goodness!  Quite exciting!
   Girl:   Extremely sensual.
   Boy:    The subtle greytones recall the work of Helmut Newton...
   Martin: Who's the sexy lady, Bart?
   Bart:   [hanging up the photo to dry]  Beats me, but the guy dancing with her
           s'my Pop.
   All:    Wow!
   Boy:    [making a closer inspection of the photo]  He brings to mind the
           later work of Diane Arbus.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Bart denies requests for a copy, and the kids leave annoyed and

   Milhouse: Come on Bart.  You're gonna make me a print aren't you?
   Bart:     Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this
   Milhouse: Ok.
   Bart:     Cross your heart and hope to die?
   Milhouse: Yup.
   Bart:     Stick a needle in your eye?
   Milhouse: Yup.
   Bart:     Jam a dagger in your thigh?
   Milhouse: Yup.
   Bart:     Eat a horse-manure pie?
   Milhouse: [gulps]  Yup.
   Bart:     Well, okay.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Milhouse flaunts his copy of the photo to a kid in the library, and is
 persuaded without too much effort to make a trip to the photocopier. Lewis
 asks Bart why Milhouse gets a copy of his girlie picture but he doesn't.
 Before too long the photo has made its way throughout the entire school.

 The father of one of the kids confiscates the photo, and faxes it to one of
 his work-mates.  Rev. Lovejoy is shown the picture of Homer and the exotic
 dancer which was confiscated one of the boys in the choir. (``This one has
 strayed from my own flock.'')  At SNPP...

   Burns:    His name?
   Smithers: [holding a copy of the incriminating photo]
             Homer Simpson sir, a low-level employee in sector 7G.
   Burns:    Simpson, eh?
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Burns asks to see ``our self-styled Valentino'' tomorrow morning.

 At an aerobics studio, a group of women chuckle at the now-popular photo,
 with the legend ``Watch Out!!!  Bathing suit season is coming,'' and an
 arrow points to Homer's gut.  Marge rips the photo from the board.

 Homer drops by the Kwik-E-Mart, to buy a donut and a Scratch-and-Winticket.
 A copy of Bart's photo is pinned to the wall behind Apu.

   Apu:   You look familiar, sir.  Are you on the television or something?
   Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer scratches the ticket, but his dreams of being a millionaire are foiled
 by that purple fruit thing.  A man greets Homer, but Homer doesn't get it.
 A boy sings ``Do-do Do Do Do, Do-dee Do-dee Do-dee Do'' to the tune of
 the `Arabian Snake Charmer', and Homer answers, ``Well a Do-dee Do Do to
 you too, pintsized.''  Another fellow greets Homer as he leaves the
 convenience store.  (``Wheew, Full moon''), and at the traffic light
 he is recognized by some young women in a sports car (``Huhmm, still
 got it'').  He arrives home and opens the front door...

   Marge: [thrusting a copy of the photograph in his face]
          What is the <meaning> of this!
   Homer: Whyarreeuumpht...  Meaningless!  Marge...  Don't even attempt to find
          meaning in it.  There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir!
   Marge: Princess <who>?
   Bart:  [wanders by] Hey, my photo!
   Homer+Marge:  <Your photo!>
   Bart:  Uh-oh.
   Homer: Why you little...  [steps towards Bart]
   Marge: [grabs Homer's neck] Why you big...
          Bart!  Go to your room!
   Bart:  I'm outta here...
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

   Homer: Look, Marge... Honey... Baby... Doll...
   Marge: [turning her back, folding her arms]  Homer, I don't even want to look
          at you right now.
   Homer: What are you saying, honey?  [Marge points him outside]  But where will
          I sleep?
   Marge: [shaking angrily] My suggestion is you sleep in the filth you created!
   Homer: Will a motel be okay? [Marge slams the front door in his face]
   -- Shall I take that as a yes?  ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer heads dejectedly for the car.  The door opens, and Homer is relieved
 that Marge is taking him back.  He is greeted in the face with a half-packed
 suitcase of clothes.  Marge hands him a box of tissues.  ``If you have any
 soul left, you'll need these.  I know I will.''  Homer sits sadly on the
 front lawn.

 [End of Act Two.  Time: 10:54]

 Moe's Tavern.  ``LADIES NIGHT.  Unescorted ladies drink free.''  A single,
 very tired looking lady sits at the bar.

   Moe:   Whatsamatta, Homer?  It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're
          not even checking out the action.
   Homer: Oh Moe, my wife gave me the ol' heave-ho because of some lousy picture.
   Moe:   [pointing to a copy behind him]  What, this one?
   Homer: D'oh!
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 When Homer says he'll spend the night in a motel, Barney insists, ``No pal
 of mine is going to stay in some dingy flop house!''

 The two of them return to Barney's dingy flop-house.  Strewn everywhere is
 clear evidence that Barney is still a bachelor.

   If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a open beer in
   the fridge.
   -- Barney Gumbel, your gracious host, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer goes to the window.

   Homer:  Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there?  The middle one is
           my house.  Someone must've left the porch light on.
   Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone]  Hello, Marge?  You left
           your damned porch light on!  Homer isn't made of money you know!
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Marge quickly hangs up when she hears Homer's protesting voice.
 Barney suggests that Homer is overwrought and needs to unwind.

   There's a party down the hall.  You know this apartment complex
   really caters to up-scale singles like me.  [belch]
   -- Barney Gumbel, your gracious host, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer declines the offer and spends an uncomfortable night on a
 fold-out couch, while the party down the hall rocks on.

 The next morning Marge and the kids sit at the kitchen table, silently
 eating breakfast.  Lisa whispers to Bart, ``I wonder when Dad's coming
 home?''  Marge stares sadly.

 At work, an exhausted Homer drinks straight from the coffeepot.  The PA
 system orders him to Mr. Burn's office.

   Burns: What in blue-blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?
   Homer: What do you mean, sir?
   Burns: [showing Homer the photo]  I mean this!  [Homer gasps]  A plant
          employee carrying on like a over-sexed orangutan in heat!  This is a
          <family> nuclear power plant, Simpson.  Our research indicates that
          over fifty percent of our power is used by <women>.
   -- Read my lips:  No rude faxes! ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer promises that it will not happen again.  Burns sends Smithers out,
 then changes his demeanor.

   Burns: [sadly]  Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man.  I have
          wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk.
          And yet, I've led a solitary life.  The fair sex remains a mystery to
          me.  You seem to have a way with women, [gets up and stares out
          his window] a certain, how should I put it... Animal magneteasmuh [sic].
          [begging] Help me Simpson, tell me your secret.
   Homer: Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
   Burns: [pleasantly]  Simpson, I'm asking you nicely...
   Homer: I don't really know, sir.
   Burns: <Simpson!>
   Homer: Well oh, wine 'em... Dine 'em...
   Burns: [listens attentively]
   Homer: Bring them flowers..  Write them love poetry... sir.
   Burns: Of course!  It's simplicity itself!  I won't forget this Simpson.
          [angrily]  Now return to your work!... and tell no one of what
          transpired here.
   -- It'll be our little secret, ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer returns home and is greeted warmly but quietly by his three children.
 Bart wishes Homer luck with Marge.

 Homer enters the kitchen.  Marge is sitting at the table.

   Homer: Hello Marge?  It's me, Homer.  Are you still mad?
   Marge: [continues scowling]
   Homer: You <are> still mad.  Don't need to say it, I'm your loving husband, I
          can read you like a book. [goes to the fridge]  I'll just have some
          milk. [using a glass]  Look!  I'm not drinking out of the carton!
          [breaks down]  Come on Marge!  Please forgive me! [goes down on his
          knees]  I'm sorry! I'm so sorry...
   Marge: [with contempt]  Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.
   Homer: Yes, I do.  Because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

   Marge: You taught Bart a very bad lesson.  Your boy idolizes you.
   Homer: Oh, he does not.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Marge insists that he take Bart to ``to meet this exotic belly-person.
 I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and
 real feelings.  I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated

 Homer drags Bart along to ``Florence of Arabia'', where the usher points
 him to the Girlesque.  Bart catches a glimpse of one of the dancers,before
 Homer yanks him away by the arm.  At the Girlesque, the attendant redirects
 Homer to Foxy Boxing.  At Foxy Boxing, Bart's view of the action is
 blocked by the paunches of Homer and the portly bouncer.  Next stop is
 Mud City...  Homer phones Marge to tell her he's trying one last place,
 ``The Sapphire Lounge.''  (``Bart!  I said look at the floor!'')

 Backstage at the Sapphire Lounge, they finally locate Princess Kashmir.

   Homer:   Hey Princess!  It's me!  The guy from the snap shot!
   Kashmir: [not very enthusiastically]  Oh, hi.
   Homer:   Look, I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an
   Kashmir: Uh-huh.
   Homer:   I also want my boy to find out that you're more than just a belly.
            I want to meet the woman behind all the
            spangles and glitter, and find out that she has thought and feelings
   Kashmir: Uh, oh, okay, but can we make it quick?
   Bart:    Nice to meet you ma'am.  [waves]
   Homer:   Could you tell him a little about yourself?
   Kashmir: Well, um, my real name is Shauna Tifton, my pet peeve is rude
            people, and my turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 During Shauna's brief profile, the cage she sits in slowly rises.  Homer
 rises with it.  Homer turns to leave and falls.  He hangs on for dear life.

 As the male entertainer begins his song, Shauna tries to shoo Homer out
 of her cage.  The performance proceeds with the curtains drawing back to
 reveal row upon row of scantly-clad women of all nations.

 Homer finally loses his grip, falling and bouncing across the stage.
 The singer eventually recognizes Homer and invites him to join the act.
 Monty Burns and Smithers are in the audience (with respective dates).

   Burns:    How does he do it, Smithers?
   Smithers: He's a love machine, sir.
   -- ``Homer's Night Out''

 Homer gets into the swing of things, then sees Bart looking on in
 admiration.  ``Uh-oh.''  He stops the music and asks to have a word.
 A tall beehive hairdo rises.  (``Burns: ``You with the hair!
 Down in front!'')  Marge sighs, ``Oh no, he's sunk even lower...''

   I have something to say to all the sons out there.  To all the boys,
   to all the men, to all of us.  It's about women, and how they are not
   mere objects with curves that make us crazy.  No, they are our wives,
   they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our
   nieces and nephews---well, not our nephews.
   -- Homer, ``Homer's Night Out''

 His monologue touches everyone in the audience.  The singer phones his
 mother, and the men in the audience muse on their wives and children.

 With tears running down her face, Marge runs onstage and calls out to Homer,
 where they hug and smooch.  Bart shooes everyone away.

   All right folks, the show's over!  No more to see, folks, come on.
   Only sick people want to see my folks kiss!
   -- Bart, ``Homer's Night Out''

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:30]

Didja notice...

    ... Marge wears her bunny slippers while brushing her teeth?
    ... the rest rooms at the Rusty Barnacle are labelled Buoys
        and Gulls? @{rc}
    ... Homer uses a Susan B. Anthony dollar on his Scratch-and-Win ticket?

Freeze Frame Fun

The comic book advertisements

    * Before/after picture of a scrawny pipsqueak and a muscular hunk.
      ``Scrawny to Brawny in just ten days!  Just $2.99!''
      Says Bart, ``Yeah, baloney.''
    * A submarine floats in the water.
      ``Real Nuclear Submarine ... only $4.99!''
    * A boy sits watching TV wearing wacko glasses.  He sees through
      a woman's clothes to her underwear.  ``X-Ray TV Glasses ...
      only $1.99.''  Says Bart, ``Sheesh.  Yeah, right.''
    * A boy holds a coin in a man's face.  The man's eyes are wacko,
      and he hands over two dollars.  ``Hyp-No Coin ... only 99c.''
      Says Bart, ``Gimme a break.''
    * ``Genuine Spy Camera --- Just like the CIA uses!!!  $1.99.''
      Says Bart, ``Wow, cool, man!''

Bart's photos

    * His eyeball.  ``I wonder if it really works...''
    * Homer doing touch-toes.
    * Marge shaving her armpits.
    * A dead squirrel.
    * His butt, maybe.
    * Homer's night out.

Bart's rating of the service at the Rusty Barnacle,,

          RUSTY          good
              BARNACLE    v  fair
                              v  poor
           Waiter ...             /
           Food  ....             /
           Atmosphere ..          /
           Cleanliness..          /
           Ambiance  ...          /

Night spots

    * ``Florence of Arabia.  Exotic dancers and Middle-Eastern cuisine.''
      Bart admires the dancers before he gets yanked away.
    * ``The Girlesque.  Wet T-Shirt Nite Friday, Mature Audiences Only.''
      Signs inside, ``$4.00 cover charge,'' ``You must be <over> 21.''
      A man throws a bucket of water.
    * Foxy Boxing.  Bart jumps to get a view over the men's paunches which
      are blocking his view of the boxing ring.
    * ``Mud City.  Close Encounters of the Mud Kind.''
      ``Bart!  I said look at the floor!''
    * ``The Sapphire Lounge''.  Right next to the Off-Ramp Inn.

Animation and continuity goofs

Carl's voice is different.  He sounds like a white guy.

The sign on the copier says ``Copies 5c'' but the coin slot says ``10c''.
And Milhouse put a penny in!

Comments and other observations

Alexandre Charest notes that Smithers has a female at the Sapphire Lounge.

References to previous episodes

    * [7[FG]03] Bart's smashed (and taped-together) piggy bank.

Boring distribution restrictions

Well, I guess you're looking for some kind of distribution notice down here.
I <still> haven't thought of one yet, but as long as you only make
`fairuse' of this I really don't mind you redistributing this to other Simpson
fanatics.  Ciao, Chris J Baird, Esq.  Um, Updated 2000 Andrew A. Gill. 
Unattributed discrepancies between this and the previous revisions are mine.
What I wouldn't give to weigh 239...

HTML conversion by
Howard Jones(ha.jones@ic.ac.uk) on Sat 10 Sept 1994