The Bart Wants What It Wants                 Written by John Frink & Don Payne
                                                   Directed by Michael Polcino
==============================================================================
Production code: DABF06                   Original Airdate on FOX: 18-May-1999
Capsule revision A (13-Jan-2006)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   [from TVGuide.com] Reese Witherspoon and Wolfgang Puck are guest voices as
   Bart and Milhouse fight over a girl.

   The object of their affection -- and altercation -- is Greta Wolfcastle
   (Witherspoon), the daughter of action-film star Rainier Wolfcastle (Puck).
   [Jay Kormann notes this is an error.  Puck played himself in this episode 
   -- Ed.]  After Bart and his slingshot rescue her backpack from bullies,
   Greta is immediately smitten.  But her crush is unrequited, and the
   oblivious Bart blows off a date with her in order to harass Principal
   Skinner at his stand-up comedy debut.  Clued to Greta's feelings, Bart
   breaks off the relationship -- until Milhouse steps in.  It's only then, in
   the name of love, that Bart asks his parents' help to win Greta back by
   following her to her dad's film set ... in Toronto.  {sx}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     THE GIVING TREE IS NOT A CHUMP

                THE GIVING TREE IS N            / at cutoff

Couch:          Another repeat of the "chorus line" opening, where the Simpson
                family joins a high-kicking line of chorus girls, and the
                backdrop lifts to reveal circus animals.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================

Bojan Bugarin:
   ... at the fair there are same balloons everywhere (always six: 2 red, 2
       blue, 2 white)?
   ... at first, Homer holds the steering wheel with his left hand and the
       torch with his right?
   ... when Homer says "You wait till next month" he takes the torch into his
       left hand, and the wheel into his right?
   ... Marge throws the torch with her left hand?
   ... for a moment Homer is not holding the wheel at all?
   ... Burns is at the Basketball game without Smithers?
   ... the Springfield Preparatory School keeps instruments in the same room
       with the Periodic system?
   ... at the end Mrs. Krabapple is in the audience when Skinner is talking?
       (Coincidence?)

Santino Ciofani:
   ... the school board now allows elements other than those on the Oscar
       Meyer periodic chart?
   ... Moe has a cigarette machine in the tavern?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Bart's bumper car had a Mercedes logo, and Bart used it as a targeting
       sight?
   ... there was no "hidden gag" in the FBI warning on the DVD?
   ... the "Itchy & Scratchy" commentary included a "picture-in-picture" video
       commentary, which, in this case, was a benefit?
   ... Bart and Greta hold opposite hands (Bart's right, Greta's left) when
       they thumb wrestle?
   ... the left-handed Bart is thumb wrestling with his right hand?
   ... Bart got a legitimate 50-point bonus in Scrabble (playing "OBLIVIO" to
       turn "US" into "OBLIVIOUS")?
   ... Homer knows where Toronto is?

Brian Dreggors:
   ... Bart's bumper car at the prep school fair had the grill of a Mercedes
       of 1960/70s vintage and the car he bumped was a Lexus?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the screen shaking when Wolfcastle's car pulls up the Simpson's
       driveway?

Chad Lehman:
   ... Lisa counts the number elements in the table very quickly -- nearly
       immediately?
   ... Skinner's lips read "Welcome to George W's America".
   ... McBain & wife are separated?  (possibly a post-Maria wife; not jumping
       to the conclusion it was Maria)
   ... the Itchy & Scratchy DVD is the full widescreen aspect ratio, with no
       black bars on top or bottom?  (Meaning it wasn't -- for lack of a
       better term -- broadcast TV compatible?)
   ... Rainier's courtside seats are better than Mr. Burns' and Kent
       Brockman's?
   ... Smithers' "prissy" male date, complete with limp wrists?
   ... Bart saying "I think you left your pencil at my house" sounds just like
       "I think you left your pants over at my house"?!
   ... the irony in Milhouse proudly wearing an "Undercover Nerd" baseball
       cap?  (Milhouse being the ... ashamed nerd that he is)

Alee Molino:
   ... the beginning of this episode is similar to the plotline of the "King
       of the Hill" episode that immediately preceded it?  (Hank is chosen to
       carry the Olympic torch, but drops it in a puddle and it goes out.
       With wacky results.)
   ... "Nyah nyah" music plays as the private school bullies toss Greta's
       bookbag?
   ... the star of "Canadian Graffiti" looks like the recruiter for the YMCA's
       "Proper Young Man" class?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Smithers is in the comedy club audience ... and not with Mr. Burns?
   ... Milhouse brushing the hair of a Malibu Stacey doll?
   ... by coincidence, all three "Bart-and-a-girl" episodes are sixth in their
       respective season's production order?

Francis Rogers:
   ... Rainier Wolfcastle starred in a movie with Ross Perot?
   ... Maggie has a "familiar" [Bongo, from "Life in Hell"] doll in her
       playpen?
   ... Lisa uses hair curlers, despite the fact that her hair's spiky?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Headmaster, Butler, Itchy, Willie, Krusty, Tour
        Bus driver, Actor 2, Player [?])
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Bumper-car "victim", Jackington [?], Nelson)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Cletus, Carl, Moe, Chuck, Chief Wiggum, Lou, Officer)
   - Harry Shearer (Ned Flanders, Lenny, Skinner, Auctioneer, Rainier,
        Scratchy, Cap'n, Guard, Actor 1, Announcer 1)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Wolfgang Puck (Himself)
   - Reese Witherspoon (Greta)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, First bully, Jimbo)
   - Tress MacNeille (Teacher, Agnes Skinner, Announcer 2, Tour Guide)
   - Karl Wiedergott (Pilot [?])

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "The Giving Tree" (poem by Shel Silverstein)  {jc}
      - blackboard gag  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   - "Wild Things" (movie)  {jc}
      - using an upscale prep school for a sleazy movie

   + "American Pie 2" (movie)  {km}
      - "Stiffler" (unintentionally) drinks pee

   + "Batman" (TV series)
      - "To the Puckmobile!" similar to the cry of, "To the Batmobile!"  {bjr}
      - pizza logo and brass fanfare similar to Bat-logo scene transitions on
        the series  {jk}

   + "Who Put The Bomp?" (song)  {jc}
      - "Time to ram-a-lam these ding-dongs!" spoofs lyrics of this tune by
        Barry Mann

   + "Life in Hell" (comic strip)  {ddg}
      - Bongo doll

   + "Frasier" (TV series)  {ddg}
      - Rainier Wolfcastle was a voice  [See "Comments" section for more --
        Ed.]

   + "Circus of the Stars" (occasional TV specials)  {ddg}
      - "Itchy & Scratchy" episode entitled "Circus of the Scars"

   - "A Visit from St. Nick" (poem)  {bd}
      - the Donderblitzen sausage is, of course, a reference to two of Santa's
        reindeer  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   + "Commando"  (movie)  {ah}
      - Wolfcastle says, "Remember when I promised to eat you last?"  (cf.
        "Kill you last?" in the movie)

   + "Home Alone" (movie)  {bjr}
      - Moe tries to imitate Macauley Culkin's face-slapping shtick

   + "Seinfeld" (TV series)
      - bass guitar theme we hear during the establishing shot of the comedy
        club is similar to the one from this show
      - Skinner performs at a club with a similar backdrop  {sc}
      - this show had a stand-up skit after every episode, like Skinner's bit
        at the end  {dj}

   + Budweiser (beer commercial)  {cl}
      - the "wuzzzzzzzaaaaaaahhh" guys are mimicked by a seriously out-of-
        date, and uncool Milhouse

   + Paramount (movie studio)  {jk}
      - Paramountie

   + Royal Canadian Mounted Police (the "Mounties")  {bjr}
      - combines with "Paramount" to make Paramountie Studios

   + "American Graffiti" (movie)  {jc}
      - "Canadian Graffiti"

   + "Bowling for Dollars" (game show)  {dj}
      - "Curling for Loonies" (Loonies is a nickname for a Canadian nickel) [I
        heard it was their $1 coin.  See "Observations" section for more --
        Ed.]

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [7G02] Bart plays scrabble  {ddg}
- [7G02] Bart plays Scrabble  {bjr}
- [8F06], [8F11], [8F14], [1F19], [AABF21] Phineas Q. Butterfat appearance
         {am}
- [8F14], [9F08] Homer tries to pull one of his kids away from something  {cl}
- [8F22] Music during Bart and Milhouse's fight the same as in this episode
         {mm}
- [8F22], [CABF08] Bart & Milhouse fight  {cl}
- [8F22] a girl comes in between Bart and Milhouse  {jc}
- [1F18] Bart meets Rainier Wolfcastle in a posh, private setting  {dj}
- [2F19], [AABF03], [DABF01] Lisa snubs a college  (So where *does* she want
         to go, anyway?)  {bjr}
- [2F31] possibility of Homer having a "boil"  {cl}
- [3F09] the threat of spraying Bart with a hose  {cl}
- [3F22] Bart rides bumper cars  {sc}
- [3G02] Homer easily caves in during an argument ("Why don't you make me?"
         "Why?!  Oh, I give up.")  {cl}
- [5F03] Homer's upset that Bart's a quitter  {cl}
- [5F08] Ring toss is played at a carnival  {sc}
- [5F08] It's a ring-toss game!  {bjr}
- [AABF17] DVD commentary has a cast member pop up in a separate window  {jc}
- [AABF19], [CABF06] carnivorous elephants  {cl}
- [BABF05] a sword fight with something other that swords  {cl}
- [CABF04] Solar system poster turns up in the prep-school classroom  {bjr}
- [CABF10] Rainier Wolfcastle willing to play a nerd to restart his career
         {al}
- [CABF22] someone throws a cinder block  {cl}
- [DABF04] Wiggum regarding Ziff dancing:  "He'll sleep tonight!" and Bart
         regarding Milhouse swimming:  "He'll sleep tonight!"

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Ring-toss stand  {bjr}

        RING TOSS

    WIN A MICROSCOPE!

- DVD copyright warning  {bjr}

                      W A R N I N G

    THE LAW PROVIDES SEVERE CIVIL AND CRIMINAL
    PENALTIES FOR THE UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION,
    DISTRIBUTION, AND EXHIBITION OF COPYRIGHTED VIDEO
    TAPES.  THE AUTHORITIES INVESTIGATE ALLEGATIONS
    OF CRIMINAL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT (TITLE 17
    U.S. CODE, SECTION 506.)

- Basketball arena sign  {bjr}

    BASKETBALL TONIGHT:
    FREE LOTION GIVEAWAY

- Outside the comedy club  {bjr}

     OPEN
     MIC
     NIGHT

     PITY
    LAUGHS
    WELCOME

- Scrabble board  {bjr}

         B
        ROMANCE
         Y
         F
         R    A
         I    D
      LOVE    O
         N  K R
         DESIRE
            S
    OBLIVIOUS

- Ice cream parlor (this is the first time I can remember seeing the outside sign, which is why I'm including it here)  {bjr}

    Phineas Q Butterfat
     Ice Cream Parlor

- Bus OFF takes to Canada  {bjr}

    FIRST CLASS BUS LINES

- Bus station historical plaque  {bjr}

    [Paul's picture]

     BIRTHPLACE OF
     PAUL SHAFFER

- Canadian museum  {bjr}

     DODGERS OF
    FOREIGN WARS

- Movie studio  {bjr}

    Paramountie

    [hat-shaped]
    [ mountain ]

      Studios

- "Canadian Graffiti"  {bjr}

    OBEY
     THE
    RULES

- Wolfcastle's movie set  {bjr}

    CLOSED SET:
    "UNDERCOVER
       NERD"

- Canadian sports program  {bjr}

    CURLING
      FOR
    LOONIES

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
=  The Olympic rings were upside-down.  [See "Comments" section for more --
   Ed.]  {ddg}

*  Since 1992, the Olympics have been on every *two* years, alternating
   between the Summer and Winter Games.  [Dan S. responds, "True ... but
   Summer TV is all repeats."]  {jk}

*  Homer would have to go abroad to steal the torch at least some of the time,
   since it doesn't pass through the US for every Olympiad.  {bb}

*  Skinner says their periodic table only has 16 elements, all lanthanides.
   There are only 14 lanthanides.  [The appropriately-named "chemboy" says,
   "Then again, maybe they have more elements in cartoon land."]  {mg}

*  A school as expensive as Springfield's private school doesn't have an alarm
   system?  One ought to go off immediately after Principal Skinner breaks the
   window.  {am}

=  The $100 bill Flanders won was actually a $50.  {ddg}

*  The I&S DVD's "audio commentary" has a video image in the corner -- that's
   not audio commentary, then.  {mg}

*  With the exception of "Men in Black," DVD commentary overlay tracks don't
   feature visuals of the people talking.  Even with "MIB," Barry Sonnenfeld
   and Tommy Lee Jones were presented in the same style as the MST3K gang.
   [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]  {jc}

*  You can't thumb wrestle with opposite hands.  {mg}

-  Apparently the animators haven't been to Toronto because the CN Tower and
   Sky Dome didn't really look like they actually do.  {tm}

-  Marge is first seen taking a picture of the Sky Dome, but the CN Tower is
   not in sight.  Now anyone who been to Toronto or has even seen a picture of
   the skyline knows that the CN Tower is about fifty feet away from the Sky
   Dome.  Then when Marge is taking a picture of the CN Tower she is in a
   completely different location and the Sky Dome is no where to be found.
   {ns}

-  When Bart and Homer are on the observation deck of the CN Tower, they see a
   body of water surrounded by green forestry. It is true that if you are on
   the south side of the observation deck you can see Lake Ontario but there
   is nothing close to trees anywhere in sight. All that surrounds Lake
   Ontario is the harbor, some condos, and some factories and warehouses.
   {ns}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Bojan Bugarin:  This was a good episode.  Greta is just great and I like the
   Simpsons in Toronto.  Milhouse is disgusting as always.  But it's not as
   good as "Jaws Wired Shut" or "Half-decent Proposal."  (A-)

Santino Ciofani:  After weeks of odd, unflowing episodes, this breath of fresh
   air couldn't come soon enough.  A solid plot which flowed throughout the
   entire show is always a welcomed plus.  The jokes were outstanding and lots
   of characters contributed to the story, instead of just being around to
   toss in a line or two.  The Canada scene was hilarious and should have been
   longer, but I can't find fault for that at all.  An honest  (A+)

Don Del Grande:  One of the better episodes, but not quite "top level",
   probably because some of the scenes seemed to drag on, and when they
   didn't, they tended to blend together to seem like they did.  They didn't
   show Bart and Greta really do very many things together, and in Canada,
   most of the time was used setting up the one gag.  (And that curling scene
   brought back too many memories ... mainly of the Canadians slapping the
   Americans around in their early-round match in the 2002 Olympics.)  (B+)

Francis Rogers:  This was one of the better episodes this season.  The jokes
   were great. Especially the I&S DVD, Wiggum & Lou in the diner, and
   Skinner's stand-up comedy act.  The part with the stolen Olympic torch was
   pretty good as well. I'd give it an  (A)

Matt Rose:  I found this to be a pretty hit and miss episode, with some
   material slightly harder to swallow than usual.  I thought the interaction
   between Bart and Greta was sweet, and made for some of the best moments of
   the episode.  But more should have been done with Canada, much more.  Why
   one act?  They were willing to give Australia and Japan entire episodes.
   They do gets bonus points for using "Take Off", though.  Typical of later
   season episodes in that too much time is spent on one plot element and too
   little on another.  Unlike some, I enjoyed the Skinner comedy subplot.
   (B-)

Stephen X:  Not a bad episode but not a great episode either.  It is cute to
   see Bart having feelings for a girl, but it has been done before a couple
   times.  Actually, the Homer-centric moments were the funniest of the show.
   All in all, a solid  (B)

Yours Truly:  Well, I've got to hand it to the writers -- they've came up with
   an interesting twist onto the "Bart-meets-girl" story.  Reese Witherspoon
   brings an endearing personality to the girl, Greta Wolfcastle, who wants to
   be more than just friends with Bart.  The show's Canadian scenes don't
   arrive until almost the end, but they're pretty good and you can at least
   say they weren't dragged out.  It's not perfect (toward the end of the
   story the kids act a little too grown-up, for example) but for the most
   part, this is a fine episode.  (A-)

AVERAGE GRADE:  A- (3.53)   Std Dev.: 0.5202   (7 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Musical References

Geoff S:  As Bart follows Milhouse and Greta, "Use Ta Be My Girl" by the
   O'Jays is heard.


Tom Restivo:  [We hear] "Take Off", credited to Bob & Doug McKenzie off their
   "Great White North" album in 1982, though the musical vocals are those of
   Geddy Lee of "Rush" fame


Matt Rose adds:  The rock song played during the Canada scenes is "Take Off",
   from the 1981 comedy album "Great White North", by Bob and Doug McKenzie,
   played by actors Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, of SCTV/"Strange Brew" fame,
   and features the screeching vocals of Geddy Lee, bass player from the
   Canadian progressive rock band Rush.  It was a modest hit on both sides of
   the border.

   (I am fairly certain that the version of the song used in the episode
   tonight was not the original, however.)


Darrel Jones adds:  Bob and Doug McKenzie were characters on "Great White
   North", a recurring sketch on the SCTV TV series, which ran during the late
   1970's and early 1980's. It starred Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas (who
   voiced Rex Banner on "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment") as two dull Canadian
   brothers who would talk about whatever dull things were on their minds in a
   rather long-winded fashion.  They dressed in heavy winter gear, loved
   drinking beer, and always used Canadian expressions like "hoser" and "eh?".
   In 1982, the duo actually released an album, which sold rather well.  "Take
   Off" appeared on this album; it was the expression the McKenzies used
   whenever they were pissed off.  It basically meant "shut up" or "screw
   you".


>> 'Tis nobler to give than receive

Joe Klemm writes:  The Giving Tree is a children's book (by Shel Silverstein?)
   about the friendship between a boy and a tree.  As the boy ages, the tree
   gives its items to help to the boy (first it's apples, then it's branches,
   then it's main body).  In the end, the tree, which is now a stumps, serves
   one more purpose as the boys, who is now an old man, dies laying on the
   stump.


>> The Quadrennial International Athletic Competition Rings

Don Del Grande writes:  The Olympic rings were upside-down (as they were in an
   episode of "King of the Hill" that premiered just before this episode
   premiered on Fox), although it's probably because the "correct" rings are
   copyrighted.  Unlike most "symbols" like, say, the Oscar statuette, which
   can (and have) become public domain, the Olympic rings and name are
   specifically protected under USA law.


Ryan Mead replies:  You can't copyright a symbol.  The Olympic rings (and the
   word Olympic) are trademarked-as well as protected by law under the United
   States Code, title 36, section 220506.


Tom Restivo also replies:  Actually, the AMPAS has been VERY vigilant on the
   Little Golden Nekkid Guy and associated references.  Anytime you see an
   image of the LGNG as a graphic in print or video, there is a '(C)AMPAS(R)'
   stamped on it.


Don Del Grande:  I thought I recalled a federal court decision that said that
   the image of the Oscar statuette was now considered public domain; I found
   a reference to it, but it may not apply to the Oscar statuette itself.
   (AMPAS sued a company that made a variation with the LGNG holding a star
   over his head rather than a sword in front of him.)


>> Rudolph is happy to be left out of this

Brian Dreggors explains:  Among the wursts (sausages) Lisa names during dinner
   with Rainier Wolfcastle is 'Donderblitzen.'  Hopefully not an actual meat,
   the name donderblitzen refers to two of the original eight reindeer who
   pull Santa Claus' sleigh, Donner and Blitzen.  In older versions of the
   story, Donner's name is spelled Donder, as per the German language (Donder
   = Thunder, Blitzen = Lightning).


>> Thanks for calling!

Don Del Grande:  Rainier Wolfcastle mentioned that he was a voice on
   "Frasier"; a number of celebrities have their voices on that show, as
   callers to Frasier's radio call-in program, and most seasons' last episodes
   list most, if not all, of the celebrities who "appeared" this way in that
   season.


>> Car Watch:  With a Vengeance

Brian Dreggors:  Rainier Wolfcastle owns a Hummer H1 (HUMMVEE), the
   quintessential suburban assault vehicle made famous during the Gulf War and
   by countless celebrities.  During the New York Intl. Auto Show in April of
   2002, General Motors unveiled the Hummer H2, a smaller, Chevrolet Suburban-
   based version of the original H1.  None other than Arnold Schwarzenegger
   (whom Wolfcastle is a parody of) helped debut it.  Since then, he's become
   the unofficial spokesman for the H2.

   On a side note, Buick (another GM division) recently announced a new
   midsize SUV for the 2004 model year.  It's name: Rainier.


Benjamin Robinson:  You wouldn't know it from watching the show, but the
   Hummer isn't an ideal date car.  The real thing has an elbow-height
   "tunnel" running right through the center of it, effectively separating you
   from your would-be paramour.

   Most of the other action tonight was in the bumper car arena.  Bart's car
   was styled to resemble a late-60s or early-70s Mercedes-Benz, the kind
   people drove just before they became really fashionable.  The chauffeur-
   driven bumper limousine is modeled after the Rolls-Royce Phantom V.  Bart's
   victim drove what appears to be a Lexus LS400- series -- note the logo on
   the grille.


>> Commentary on Commentary

Francis Rogers:  The I&S DVD is typical of many DVDs with it's audio
   commentary (the Simpsons Season One DVD set has commentary).  However,
   there is one major flaw: Commentary is usually a separate audio track,
   meaning it would be impossible to have the inset with Scratchy and Itchy
   speaking.  Although it would probably be possible to have two chapters of
   the same content (one chapter with commentary, one chapter without), but
   since this is an EXTREME waste of space, it is rather unlikely.


Kevin Madden adds:  Some DVDs of TV series have special editions of certain
   episodes where they show the full episode and then every now and then an
   inset will pop up and someone will talk about something.  I doubt they
   would ever do that for a movie though, because like you said it would take
   up a lot of space.


>> Well, not everyone is blessed with naturally pointy hair

Ted Schuerzinger asks:  Why does Lisa need curlers?  She's got POINTY hair; I
   wouldn't think she needs curlers for that.  And we didn't see her in
   curlers in "Little Big Mom", the last episode where she was being a mother.


>> Personality Parade

Joe Klemm:  Steven Soderberg is a director whose works include sex, lies, and
   videotape, Erin Brockovich, and Traffic (the last one he won an Oscar for).
   His most recent film is a remake of Ocean's Eleven starring George Clooney.


Benjamin Robinson:  Dick Cheney -- Vice President of the U.S.  Skinner's
   sarcastic welcome to "Dick Cheney's America," as opposed to "Bush's
   America," might refer to allegations that it is Cheney, and not Bush, who
   really runs the country.  This sort of talk has subsided greatly since the
   terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, but I
   wouldn't be surprised if this joke was written long before then.


Tom Restivo responds:  In the weeks following the attack, the whereabouts of
   Dick Cheney were unknown, for security reasons.  This intensifies in the
   minds of some even more that he _was_ running the country.  One of the
   first post-attack political jokes that made the rounds of late show was
   that he was hiding out in a theater playing the Mariah Carey bomb,
   "Glitter".


Benjamin Robinson continues:  Wolfgang Puck -- He's a popular chef, known for
   taking an ordinary dish (like pizza) and jazzing it up with exotic
   ingredients (like sun-dried tomatoes or, evidently, M&Ms).

   Ross Perot -- Founder of the Reform Party and former candidate for
   President.  Most people today think he's kind of a crank.

   Paul Shaffer -- Most visible in his role as David Letterman's sidekick and
   musical director, Shaffer has also worked on a variety of live musical
   theater performances, and even cut an album or two.  He was actually hails
   from Thunder Bay, not a Toronto bus station.


>> "Clean and bland.  I'm home!"

Benjamin Robinson writes:  Marge's opinion of Canada nicely summarizes
   American feelings about that country.  One the one hand, it's like a
   cleaned-up version of the States, without the crime, urban decay, or
   pollution.  On the other hand, it lacks America's edgy, "hip" qualities and
   is perhaps even a bit dull.  In other words, the kind of country where the
   graffiti artists might actually write, "Obey the rules."

   Canada has a thriving film industry, so it isn't surprising that
   "Undercover Nerd" should be filming there.  Toronto can stand in nicely for
   any number of American cities, and the cost of filming up there is far
   lower than in southern California.

   "Curling for Loonies" is kind of an interesting concept.  Curling
   originated in Scotland, but the Canadians are the sport's most enthusiastic
   fans.  There are an estimated 1.5 million curlers in the world, and 1.1
   million of them are from Canada.  Sometimes called "shuffleboard on ice,"
   the idea is to "bowl" the heavy stones onto precise spots on the ice.  The
   guys with the brooms are there to help guide the stone to its final
   location.

   As for "loonies," those are Canadian dollar coins.  They have a Canadian
   loon on the tail side, hence the endearing nickname.


>> But with the 'House on the team, they should bounce right back

Don Del Grande:  Canada's Olympic basketball team hasn't been THAT bad -- they
   finished fourth in 1976.  (Okay, maybe with the introduction of NBA
   players, most of which are from other countries, they've fallen a few
   notches ...)


>> Canada, My Ass!

Timothy Alexander writes:  Just some comments from a bitter old man who
   happens to live in T.O. (Toronto to you damn Yankees).

   This ep of "The Simpsons" was eagerly awaited here in the Great White North
   (land of the Eskimo, home of the igloo, birthplace of Timbits).  The entire
   country (except, of course, Newfoundland and Labrador) was eagerly awaiting
   OFF venturing north to Toronto.

   So, after the first act - no damn Toronto.  The second act finishes up - no
   damn Toronto.  The third act - they are in Toronto!  Mostly on a
   nondescript soundstage that could be ... anywhere!

   Goodness gracious, this ep was as Canadian as lamb curry.  When the
   Simpsons traveled to Australia, it was for most of the show.  When the
   Simpsons traveled to Japan, it was for most of the show.  When the Simpsons
   traveled to Canada, it was about 4.52% of the show.  What gives?

   Also, the writers for tonight's episode were neither Tim Long (Canadian)
   nor Joel Cohen (Canadian).  I don't know, but it seems to me that if you
   have a Mongolian on staff, the Mongolian should write the show where the
   Simpsons travel to, say, Mongolia.

   I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!  I say that we here
   in America, Jr. deserve yet another show which takes place entirely in our
   home and native land!  I say that Jean Chretien get his butt out of Russia
   and high tail it to LA!  I say it's time we Canucks fought back!

   Oh, I give up.  I'm going to take a nap.

   ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.


>> Toronto accent, eh?

Alex asks:  Have you seen The Simpsons episode called "Canada, eh".  Canadians
   don't speak much in it, but when they do, they sound rather nasty, like
   that TV commentator saying "Two Yankee-Doodles have turned this game into a
   dandy".  I'm curious if the producers tried to reproduce the Toronto accent
   there or to exaggerate and uglify it a bit.  The Canadians I knew
   personally, none of them from Toronto though, didn't sound like that.


Stephen Dame replies:  I'm from T.O. Nobody sounds like that, nor have they
   ever.  The elongated "O" sound that is often attributed to Canada is most
   often found in the Canadian Mid-West (Alberta/Saskatchewan/Manitoba) and is
   similar to the Minnesota accent.  Lotsa Yanks just assume all Canadians
   sound like that.  It's an old stereotype, like all New Englanders saying
   "Chowda."

   Peter Jennings was from Ontario.  Wayne Gretzky was from Ontario.  Prime
   Minister Martin and Shania Twain are from Ontario.  That's what most people
   from Ontario sound like.


"Defender" writes:  Jennings, Gretzky, Martin, Twain ...??? Well that might
   represent how Ontarians talk, but we were talking about Toronto, where half
   the people came from outside Canada/ What about Singh, Chan, Kim and Park?
   They don't talk like Jennings, Gretzky, Martin or Twain.  Hey, and isn't it
   funny that Groening comes from Saskatchewan, well his family did, his
   father is from there ... so maybe, just maybe, he was poking fun at the way
   his Dad talks?


"Blazing Laser":  I was going to say something like that.  Toronto is a
   cosmopolitan city and not typical of a 'Canadian' accent.

   The Canadian accent (and personality) shown on the Simpsons is just one of
   many stereotypical foreign characterizations.  Like that Italian chef guy
   with the pizza -- do you know any Italian who talksa likea that?  Or those
   incredibly oversexed Brazilians in that episode where Lisa goes down to
   rescue the orphan.  Or the Chinese celebrating 'Force Your Daughter to Work
   Day'

   What would be funny about Canadians being just like Americans? Actually
   that would be kind of sad.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% The Simpsons race in their car down a country road, pursued by a
% black helicopter with the Olympic Games logo.

Officer: Give up, Mr. Simpson!  We know you have the Olympic torch.
Marge:	 For God's sakes Homer, give them back their flame.
Homer:	 No!  The Olympics have pre-empted my favorite shows for 
	 the last time.
Bart:	 You can always find your favorite shows next month.
Homer:	 *You* wait 'till next month!  *You* wait 'till next month!
Marge:	 [exasperated] Every four years ...
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Marge grabs the torch from Homer and tosses it to the helicopter. 
% The pilots are so entranced by the beauty of the flame that they
% forget to control the helicopter and it smashes into a hillside. 
% Fortunately, the men aren't hurt, but the crash has extinguished the
% Olympic flame.
%
% Meanwhile, Homer has grown bored, but not for long.  He abruptly
% stops the car when he sees a fair going on at the fancy Springfield
% Prep School.

Lisa:	Springfield Prepatory School?  Dad, you told me there were 
	no private schools in Springfield.
Homer:	But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
-- Parental Psychology 101, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The school's snooty headmaster introduces himself to the Simpson
% family.  Homer makes the mistake of pointing to the beer tent, and
% the headmaster promptly smacks him on the wrist.  "Monkeys point,"
% he says.  "Monkeys cry," Homer answers softly.
%
% Marge is impressed by the school grounds.

Marge:		This campus is so lush and verdant.
Teacher:	Yes, you probably recognize it from the film, 
		"Calling All Co-eds."
Marge:		[pointing, like a monkey] Oh, is that where Boozer 
		drank the pee?
Teacher:	It's *one* of the places.
-- The hallowed grounds of Springfield Prep,
   "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Homer has a fun time bouncing in the moonwalk house, until he
% punctures it.  He apologizes to a few disappointed children as he
% leaves the deflated structure.
%
% Looking through a window, Lisa admires one of the classrooms.

Lisa:		Oh, this school has everything.
Skinner:	I know.  Doesn't it just honk you off?
Lisa:		[gasps] Their periodic table has 250 elements!
Skinner:	And our school board's cut us back to 16 -- all of 
		them lanthanides.
Lisa:		You know, we could get equipment like this through a 
		bond issue.
Skinner:	Hmph.  Here's your bond issue.  [throws a 
		cinderblock through the window, and then jumps into 
		the classroom.  Seconds later, he emerges with a 
		"visible human" doll and a cello] Quick, take these.
Lisa:		Principal Skinner, you're just stealing.
Skinner:	Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Meanwhile, Marge helps herself to the buffet of "frou-frou" food. 
% Nearby, Brandine and Cletus see someone they recognize.

Cletus:	Look, Brandine, it's Wolfgang Puck.  [to Puck] Mr. 
	Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut-
	worm, I swear.
Puck:	Try my Rice Krispies squares.  They are wasabi-
	infused with a portobello glaze.  And, you can buy 
	them at the airport.
Marge:	I make mine with M&Ms.
Puck:	With M&M's?  Now, that's what I call fusion.  I 
	could sell 'em on the internet!  [kisses Marge] To 
	the Puckmobile!
	[the "Batman" theme plays as Puck jumps one the side 
	board of a van]
	[to his driver] Go, go, go!  [and off they go]
-- Same Puck time, same Puck channel, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Bart visits the bumper-car tent.  The wealthy students are driving
% around in a genteel fashion, deliberately missing each other.  Bart
% tries to shake things up by bumping someone with his bumper car. 
% The other child is shaken up, and a bumper-car ambulance comes by to
% carry him away.
%
% Homer tries to play a prank on Flanders at the silent auction.  He
% secretly signs his neighbor's name to a $50 bid.  The joke backfires
% when the item turns out to be a $100 bill.  Homer is further
% chagrined when Flanders pledges the money to an orphanage.
%
% At a ring-toss game, Carl and Lenny win a pair of microscopes which
% they use in their "research."  Evidently, they are researching the
% best way to sword-fight using microscopes.
%
% Meanwhile, a trio of highborn bullies is playing keep-away with some
% girl's backpack.  Bart rises to her defense, using his slingshot to
% fire Rice Krispies squares at the bullies.  The boys beat a hasty
% retreat ... to the Hamptons.

Greta:	You were so brave to take on all those bullies.
Bart:	Those weren't bullies.  *That's* a bully.
	[the camera pans to Nelson and a butler.  Nelson has the 
	man flat on his back, and uses the butler's fist to punch 
	him]
Nelson:	Hey, butler, stop buttling yourself!
Butler:	Would that I could, sir.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Ranier Wolfcastle approaches Bart and Greta.

Ranier:	Time to go, Greta.  Your mother's custody starts at 1800 
	hours.
Bart:	Your dad's "McBain"?
Ranier:	[laughs] I play many characters: McBain, Officer 
	McVengeance, Sgt. Murder, and I was a voice on the 
	"Frasier."
Greta:	Would you like to come to my house sometime?  If it's okay 
	with my Dad.
Ranier:	Come!  We play Uno, I chase you with hose, no biggie.
Bart:	Wow, cool!  Uh, I guess we're leaving, too.  [looks over 
	at the school's front gate.  Lisa clings tightly to the 
	bars as Homer and Marge try to pry her away]
Lisa:	No!  I belong here!  Please!
Homer:	Don't worry, honey.  We can't afford this now, but when 
	it's time, I promise my darling daughter can go to the 
	finest school there is ... in South Carolina.
Lisa:	Oh!  I will not be a Gamecock!
Homer:	You will too!  [Lisa continues her struggle, until her 
	grip on the bars finally slips]
	Go Gamecocks!
Lisa:	No!
-- At least it's not Brown, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 5:19]
%
% Bart gets ready for his visit to Greta's house.  Homer helps him out
% with a little friendly advice.

Look, boy, here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like 
"Jumbo" or "Boxcar," and always get receipts.  Makes you look like a 
business guy.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The quiet afternoon is disturbed by a loud rumbling sound.  The
% family runs to the front door just as Wolfcastle's enormous SUV
% pulls up.

Marge:	That car's as big as all outdoors.
Homer:	Wow, what kind of mileage does it get?
Ranier:	One highway, zero city.
Marge:	[impressed] Ooooh.
Ranier:	Mmm-hm.
-- Something to brag about, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Ranier chauffeurs Bart and Greta back to the Wolfcastle house.

Ranier:	Bart, your little tie makes me smile.
Bart:	Excuse me, but you don't sound as tough as you do in the 
	movies.
Ranier:	[threatening] If you don't shut your big yap, I will rip 
	off your face and use it as a napkin.
	[pause, and then everyone laughs]
	[serious again] Laughing time is over.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Greta's room has a lot of cool stuff, including oversize movie
% props.

Greta:	These are props from one of my Dad's movies, "The 
	Incredible Shrinking McBain."
Bart:	Wow, the Q-Tip he used to kill Ross Perot!  Oh, everything 
	in your house is so cool.
Greta:	What's your house like?
Bart:	Aw, it's okay.  My bed is stuffed with hay.
Greta:	[laughs] Sorry.  You're so funny.
Bart:	[awkward laugh] Yeah ...
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Bart and Greta settle down to watch "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoons on
% DVD.  First, they watch "Circus of the Scars."  This episode finds
% the cat and mouse at the circus, where they work as trapeze artists. 
% Itchy and Scratchy swing toward one another on separate trapezes. 
% Itchy draws a pair of knives and cut Scratchy's arms off at the
% wrists.  Scratchy falls *through* the net, under the trapezes, with
% the ropes cutting his body into neat little cubes.  A circus
% elephant eats some of the cat cubes.

Greta:		Check out the audio commentary.  [pushes a button on 
		the DVD remote.  A picture-in-picture box appears on 
		the screen, showing Itchy and Scratchy.]
Scratchy:	We shot this at four in the morning, and the crew 
		was getting a little cranky.
Itchy:		You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderberg
Scratchy:	Always wanting more rehearsal -- [Itchy attacks him, 
		cutting off his head]
-- No long-winded commentaries here, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Next, it's the Wolfcastles' turn to visit the Simpsons.  Marge
% prepares a variety of fine German sausage cuisine, including
% bratwurst, sauerbraten, and donderblitzen.  Lisa recoils at these
% choices, and Ranier dismisses her as a "whale-kissing, Dukakis-
% hugging moon maiden."
%
% Greta shyly reaches for Bart's hand under the table.

Bart:	What are you doing?  Oh, I gotcha.  [pulls Greta's hand on 
	the table] One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
	[Bart begins to thumb-wrestle Greta]
Greta:	One, two, three!
Bart:	Hey, that was a fast count.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Ranier eyes the last slice of pie.

[to pie] Remember when I said I would eat you last?  I lied.
-- Ranier Wolfcastle, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Some time later, the Wolfcastles' doorbell rings.  Greta answers the
% door.

Greta:		Hi, Bart!
Milhouse:	[jumps into the doorway] Whazzu-u-up!
Greta:		Oh.  You brought someone.
Bart:		Yeah, this is Milhouse.  He's my best friend because 
		... well, geographical convenience, really.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Milhouse brought his bathing suit, and happily splashes around in
% Greta's pool.
%
% Meanwhile, Homer bring *his* new friend to Moe's Tavern.

Homer:		Hello, gentlemen.  Would you care to meet Ranier 
		Wolfcastle?
Carl:		Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Lenny:		Hey, I've been using that ab-roller you endorsed, 
		but I haven't been gotten any results.
Ranier:		Right, because you've been using it backwards.  
		[spins Lenny around to reveal an impressively-
		developed set of abs on Lenny's back]
Carl:		Are you really Homer's friend?
Lenny:		After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover 
		film?
Moe:		Is it really true that if I kill you, I become you?
Ranier:		Ugh.  This looks like a job for my authorized 
		lookalike.  [leaves.  A second later another man who 
		looks just like Wolfcastle walks in]
Charlie:	Hi, I'm Charlie.  I live in his trunk.
Moe:		So, how much you lookalikes make?  'Cause some say I 
		look like Macaulay Culkin.  [does a bad 
		impersonation of Culkin's "aftershave" scene in 
		"Home Alone"]
-- Whatever Charlie gets paid, it isn't enough,
   "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Ranier -- the real Ranier -- treats Homer, Bart, and Greta to
% courtside seats at the basketball game.  Greta turns to Bart with a
% question.

Greta:	Bart, my school's having a dance.  It's pretty lame, but 
	maybe you could make it fun.  If we went together.
Bart:	Yeah, I guess.
	[the crowd cheers a defensive play]
Homer:	Ouch!  I sat on something sharp.
Ranier:	Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
Homer:	[laughs] I have a Boyle on my ass!
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Later, in Principal Skinner's office.

Skinner:	Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-
		up comedy act tonight.  If the students find out I'm 
		performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down.
Willie:		I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.
Skinner:	All right.  Plus one?
Willie:		Nay.
Skinner:	Now, I'll give you directions starting from the 
		Simpson house.
		[cut to just outside Skinner's office door, where 
		Bart and Milhouse are eavesdropping]
Bart:		Oh, ho, we are so there.
Milhouse:	Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance 
		tonight?
Bart:		Hmm, yeah.  Maybe I should keep my promise.
Skinner:	I just hope the audience is kind, because my 
		material is weak and, uh, and I have that bladder 
		thing.
Bart:		That's it -- I'm blowing off the dance.  This is the 
		biggest thing that happened to me since chocolate 
		milk!
Milhouse:	They've got chocolate milk now?
-- Bart's busy social schedule, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% And so the boys go to Floppy's, where Krusty the Klown is the emcee. 
% Another unlikely comic, Captain McAllister, is finishing his set. 
% He holds a swordfish with three rolls of toilet paper on its
% "sword".  The audience isn't laughing.  Krusty walks onstage to wrap
% things up.

Krusty:		That was the prop comedy of the Sea Captain.  More 
		like, "Thar he blows!"  [audience laughs]
Cap'n:		Yar, I'm so sorry.
Krusty:		All right let's keep this train wreck moving.  
		[looks at an index card he's holding] Principal 
		Skinner?  I know him; he's not funny.  Well, enjoy!  
		[walks offstage.  The audience applauds as Skinner 
		walks over to the microphone.  He adjusts it 
		(causing a little feedback), and begins his routine]
Skinner:	So, it's, uh, standardized testing time again.  Have 
		you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong 
		circles?
Bart:		[chanting from the back of the club room] Sey-mour!  
		Sey-mour!
Skinner:	Heh.  Lost my place.  [clears throat] Maybe, maybe, 
		maybe, maybe a little, uh, improv would raise the 
		roof here.  Would someone name a profession?
Bart:		Loser principal!
Skinner:	Uh, I think I heard, "California Surfer."  [imitates 
		a man on a surfboard]
Agnes:		You suck, Seymour!
		[everyone in the audience boos, except for Bart and 
		Milhouse, who laugh]
-- The king of comedy, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Bart walks home, still laughing at Skinner's terrible performance. 
% Lisa meets him at the bottom of the stairs.

Lisa:	Greta called.  It seems you told her you were sick.
Bart:	Lisa, I only lied because it was the easiest way to get 
	what I wanted.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% That's not a good enough excuse for Lisa.

Lisa:	Bart, this girl is in love with you.  Think about it.
	[Bart reminisces about the times he's had with Greta, like 
	the ride in the SUV and the thumb-wresting match.  
	Finally, he remembers when the two played Scrabble, where 
	all the words are romantic -- except for the "oblivious" 
	laid down by Bart]
Bart:	Hey, I didn't lead her on.  I always played it light and 
	breezy.
Lisa:	Well, if you don't feel the way Greta does, you've got to 
	tell her before she gets hurt.
Bart:	All right, I know what to do.  I'll dump her like she's 
	never been dumped before.  Then, we'll go right back to 
	being friends.
Lisa:	[facetious] Well, Bart, you really understand women.
Bart:	Lis, women are easy.  State capitals are hard.
-- Bart, about to learn a hard lesson, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Homer comes home from a cock fight.  Lisa isn't too approving of
% that, either.
%
% Bart implements phase one of his plan at an ice-cream parlor.

Greta:	You're breaking up with me?  [sobs]
Waiter:	[to Bart] Don't worry.  We get that a lot here.  
	[points to another booth where Chief Wiggum and Lou 
	are sitting]
Wiggum:	Lou, you can't leave the force.  I can change.
Lou:	I just think there's more money in private security.
Wiggum:	What I'm hearing is, I'm too fat.  [cries, although 
	not so hard he can't eat his sundae] Aren't I?
-- It's not you, it's me, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:28]
%
% At home, Ranier tries to console his daughter.

Greta:	I can't believe he dumped me.
Ranier:	In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
Greta:	Dad, this isn't a movie.
Ranier:	Well, let my muscles hug you.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The next day, Bart visits the Wolfcastle household.

Bart:		Greta, I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup well, 
		but you're a sweet kid and someday you'll find 
		someone who --
Milhouse:	Whazzu-u-up!
Bart:		Milhouse?  Greta?  Well, no one has to draw me a 
		picture.
Milhouse:	Oh, but I did.  [shows Bart a drawing of Milhouse 
		and Greta kissing]
Bart:		[gasps] Greta, is this how it is?
Greta:		Yes, except he kissed me in the eye.  [closes the 
		door]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Bart regrets his decision to break up with Greta.

Bart:	Oh, I was an idiot.  Now I'll be alone forever.  Why did I 
	break up with her?
Lisa:	Oh, Bart, it's human nature.  You only want her because 
	someone else has her.
Bart:	Prove it, using examples from this room.
Lisa:	All right.  Look, Maggie's not playing with this ball 
	right now.  But look what happens when I take it.  [takes 
	the ball out of Maggie's playpen.  The baby tries to get 
	it back] See?
Bart:	Gimmie the ball!  Gimmie the ball!
Lisa:	[sighs]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Bart stalks Greta and Milhouse on their dates, following them to the 
% park, the beach, and the boardwalk.  Finally, he is desperate enough
% to leave a message on Greta's answering machine.  When she picks up,
% Bart tries to ask her to take him back, but Greta cuts him off. 
% "I'm leaving in ten minutes.  My Dad's shooting a movie in Toronto,"
% she says.  "You're going to Spain?" asks the boy who thinks state
% capitals are hard.
%
% Bart explains his situation to his family.

Bart:	So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
Homer:	Canada?  Why should we leave America to visit America 
	Junior?
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The rest of the family is more willing to take the trip, so Homer
% gives in.  He decides the family will go First Class ... Bus lines.

It's so clean and bland.  I'm home!
-- Marge Simpson, upon arriving in Canada, "The Bart Wants What It 
Wants"

% Bart notes that the Toronto bus station is the birthplace of Paul
% Shaffer.  Homer jaywalks across the street, figuring Canada's free
% health care system will protect him.  When a car hits him, he
% figures he's rich.
%
% The family sees the sights in Toronto.  Marge takes a snapshot of
% the Skydome.  Lisa visits the Museum of Draft-Dodgers.  Homer and
% Bart visit the CN Tower.

Bart:	I'm a ten-year-old boy in Toronto.  I should be the 
	happiest kid in the world.  But I can't stop thinking 
	about Greta.
Guard:	Oh, you'll win her back, eh?  And (b), we're closing in 
	five minutes.
Homer:	Would a U. S. dollar change your mind?
Guard:	American currency!  What time would you like your 
	breakfast, sir?
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The Simpsons take a tour of a Toronto movie studio's backlot.  Bart
% spots the place where Ranier Wolfcastle's "Undercover Nerd" is
% filming, and gets off the tour bus.
%
% Inside the studio is a set built to look like a school hallway.  Two
% actors, playing bullies, are hassling a third actor playing a nerd. 
% Ranier is playing McBain thinly disguised as a bookworm.  He
% approaches the two "bullies."

Ranier:		Excuse me, which way to the chess club?
Actor 1:	What's your name, nerd?
Ranier:		Melvin Eugene Punymier.
Actor 2:	Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd.
Actor 1:	Huh.  Just more of you to pick on.
Ranier:		The geek shall inherit the earth.  [picks up the 
		first actor, and uses him to spear the second]
-- The next "McBain" blockbuster, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Homer and Bart find Greta backstage.

Homer:	There she is, boy.
Bart:	I don't know, Dad.  What if she's still mad at me?
Homer:	Listen to me, son.  No one loves a quitter, so you go over 
	there and you win her back.
Bart:	But she might say, "no."
Homer:	Oh, I quit; there's no convincing you.  Oh, I'm going to 
	take a nap.  [goes to sleep]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Milhouse stops Bart from approaching Greta.

Milhouse:	You're not going to win her back.  She's with "The 
		House" now.  [laughs]
Bart:		Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me.
Milhouse:	My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for.  
		So take off, hoser!
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The two boys fight.  ("I'm going to knock you into the next
% province," vows Milhouse.)  The wrestle their way out of the
% "Undercover Nerd" building and into the studio next door, where a
% crew tapes an episode of "Curling for Loonies."

Announcer 1:	Well, we've seen some wild sweeping here today.
Announcer 2:	Yes, the broom handling has been truly dazzling.
		[Bart and Milhouse fight their way into the arena]
		What's this?  Two young Yankee Doodles have turned 
		this match into a Dandy.
Announcer 1:	[laughs] Both our viewers must be thrilled.
-- A very special episode of "Curling for Loonies,"
   "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The boys eventually fight their way to the end of the curling rink. 
% Greta is waiting for them.

Bart:		Greta, I miss you so much.  Please be my girlfriend 
		again.
Greta:		No.
Milhouse:	Yes!  The House always wins!
Greta:		Sorry, Milhouse.  I thought Canada would save our 
		relationship, but it only made it worse.
Milhouse:	You're breaking up with me?  Why?
Greta:		I guess I was just looking for someone more ... 
		masculine.
Milhouse:	I told you, I don't know how that scrunchy got in my 
		hair.
Greta:		Sorry, guys, but you two have put me off dating for 
		at least four years.  I think I'll just buckle down 
		and co-produce my Dad's movie.
Bart:		Need a unit production manager?  [growls]
Greta:		It's too late, Bart.  [walks away]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% And with that, Greta's out of their lives forever.  Bart and
% Milhouse reinstate their friendship.

Bart:		Well, I guess we're single again.
Milhouse:	I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff.  
		But are we still friends?
Bart:		'Till the next one.
-- A realistic pledge of friendship, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% The boys figure that as long as they're in Canada, they might as
% well do something fun.  Soon, they're playing basketball with some
% grown Canadian men.

Milhouse:	I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic 
		basketball team.
Bart:		Yep.  It's just that easy!  [He shoots.  He misses]
Player:		Wow, that was close.  You can be the center.
-- Going for the gold, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% Hey!  Let's go back to Floppy's and see how Skinner's doing!

Skinner:	How come you always run out of tardy slips before 
		you run out of permission slips?
Jimbo:		How come you suck?
Skinner:	Uh, I lack confidence?
-- Yeah, that would be it, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 19:45]
%
% Normal closing credit music.  The Gracie Sound is Milhouse yelling,
% "Wazzup!"
==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ah}  Aaron Hirshberg
{al}  Austin Lewis
{am}  Alee Molino
{bb}  Bojan Bugarin
{bd}  Brian Dreggors
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cl}  Chad Lehman
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{jc}  Jeff Cross
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{km}  Kevin Madden
{mg}  Matt Garvey
{mm}  Michael Morbius
{ns}  Nathaniel Siegler
{sc}  Santino Ciofani
{sx}  Stephen X
{tm}  Tyler McNeil

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2006 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2006 Benjamin Robinson.  This
capsule has been brought to you by Paramountie Studios.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.