Kill the Alligator and Run                        Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                      Directed by Jen Kamerman
==============================================================================
Production code: BABF16                   Original Airdate on FOX: 30-Apr-2000
Capsule revision A (1-Feb-2001)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis  {bg}
==============================================================================
   [TV Guide Synopsis] "The family seeks a restful vacation in Florida, but
   arrives during spring break, which Homer extends."

   [TV Guide advertisement] "Simpsons at Spring Break!?  Tonight, when The
   Simpsons hit Spring break, Spring break hits back."  Homer quote: "Mr.
   Rock, sir ... can you play something from Jefferson Starship?".

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     I AM NOT HERE ON A / FARTBALL SCHOLARSHIP

                I AM NOT HERE ON A / FARTBALL SCHOL at cutoff

Couch:          The family must walk briskly on hot coals to reach the couch.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Maggie's butterfly-themed hair clip?
   ... someone spray-painted "PALM CORNERS SUX" near the third-floor left
       balcony?
   ... Six Toe County's statue of justice holds a beagle by the ears?

Nate Birch:
   ... we see Marge drive instead of Homer when the whole family is together
       for possibly the first time?
   ... Kid Rock was drawn like some sort of weird psycho?  [Insert your own
       Kid Rock slam here -- Ed.]
   ... that the first time Bart and Lisa rode the swamp boat they liked it but
       the second time they were bored?
   ... Marge's wore her hair different when she became a slack jawed yokel?
   ... the sheriff commits a crime by stealing the crazy lady's trailer?

Don Del Grande:
   ... when Marge was driving, she was driving down the left side of the road?
   ... Homer is (still) 39?
   ... Maggie waves to Captain Jack?
   ... Homer says he saw 15 boobs?  (Apparently, at least one woman had only
       one showing ... or [insert poor-taste mastectomy joke here])
   ... Maggie isn't wearing any hair ribbon -- and is only using one hand to
       swing her hammer -- in the chain gang?
   ... the map of the USA with the Xs does not have "the state of
       Springfield", nor any place where five states meet (as seen in 2F01)?

Gilad Deneboom:
   ... Snake is working next to Homer while being shackled?

Curtis Gibby:
   ... the show has now had four psychiatrists?  (The dark-haired man in this
       episode, Brad Goodman, Dr. Zweig in [2F08] and Dr. Marvin Monroe.)
   ... the age-conscious admiral from [4F05] is in the jury?

Joe Green:
   ... "Self-Test Monthly" has an ad for some sort of purple vehicle on the
       back cover?  [{al} says it's a Canyonero -- Ed.]
   ... one of the jurors is wearing an Army dress uniform?

Jimmy Jay:
   ... Homer was able to write beach on the back of the bed, even though he
       was strapped to the front?

Darrel Jones:
   ... someone writes "Palm Corners Sux" on the hotel?
   ... the train that hits OFF's car is an Amtrak?
   ... Springfield is not in Arizona or North Dakota?

Adam Long:
   ... if Homer was a smoker he'd have been dead by now?
   ... we rarely see OFF in their regular clothes (except Homer)?
   ... the toilet in the trailer isn't concealed at all?
   ... Bart's pajamas have a bottom-flap?
   ... even Marge and Lisa wear bow ties at the party?

Jerry P.:
   ... Homer's eyelids move in opposite directions when he says "sugar"?  (in
       "More hash browns, Sugar?")

Carl Payne:
   ... Homer's quizmaster hat is a traffic cone?
   ... the braised rib bucket has a pig eating ribs?
   ... the nuclear plant has a psychiatrist?
   ... Maggie's car seat is in the front seat?
   ... the Simpson family car's license plate is the same as the Florida
       police car's?
   ... the curtains in the trailer at the diner have the same corn pattern as
       the Simpson's home?
   ... Marge just sticks the pencil in her hair while working at the diner?
   ... Homer calls the guy eating breakfast "sugar"?
   ... Marge is mending socks?
   ... Homer can play the guitar?
   ... one of the "drunken hicks of the jury" is drinking a beer?
   ... Homer's prisoner number is 1028?

James Reisdorf:
   ... John Frink is listed as producing another episode?
   ... Homer's magazine slams the Backstreet Boys?  (Woo-hoo!)
   ... this is the second appearance by a 2000 Grammy nominee for Best New
       Artist this season?  (Britney Spears guest voiced in "the Mansion
       Family")
   ... Kid Rock uses the original music, but makes a different vocal track, to
       "Bawitdaba" in his performance?
   ... Kid Rock's appearance occurred 6 days after his new video appeared on
       MTV?
   ... Spring Break occurs VERY late in the year?  (I don't know anyone who
       has it in May)
   ... the Floridians OFF meets after Spring Break sound more "Southern" than
       most Floridians would?  (Perhaps they're around the state line?)  [See
       "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... the timeline of Maude's death has been preserved?  ("Alone Again,
       Natura-Diddily (BABF10)" ended six months after Maude's passing)
   ... Homer's "baby" is missing an arm?
   ... a guy dives from the hotel balcony into the swimming pool?  (*Very*
       dangerous, by the way)
   ... a guy chasing a topless girl past the hotel pool?
   ... a nekkid student dangles from one of the balconies?
   ... another topless chick at the Kid Rock concert?

Dave Tatum:
   ... Homer seemed to know the "lyrics" to the "song" the band was playing?
   ... Marge is convict number 4670?
   ... Palm Corners is in Six Toe County?
   ... after they were cleared of killing Captain Jack, the Simpsons were set
       free even though they defrauded an Amtrak snack bar?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Judge)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Carl)
   - Harry Shearer (Ned, Lenny, Burns, Inspector, Guide, Radio Announcer,
        Chain Boss, Psychiatrist)

- Special Guest Voices
   - Deidrich Bader (Sheriff)
   - Joe C. (Himself)
   - Robert Evans (Himself)
   - Kid Rock (Himself)
   - Charlie Rose (Himself)

- Also Starring
   - Tress MacNeille (Sepulveda, Cienega, Female Student, Velma, Socialite)
   - Karl Wiedergott (Male Student [?])

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Take the Money and Run" (movie)  {jk}
      - title a spoof

   + "Take the Money and Run" (song)
      - episode borrows title, "Kill the Alligator and Run" from this Steve
        Miller Band song
      - both have a theme of refugees from the law in the American South
        {bjr}

   - "All in the Family" (TV series)  {wb}
      - had an episode where Archie took a quiz to find his life expectancy,
        and was depressed by the results.  (That episode took that issue much
        more seriously than "Kill ...")

   + Sepulveda Boulevard in Los Angeles  {jc}
      - MTV VJ Sepulveda

   + "Logan's Run" (movie)
      - characters have hand "jewels" that light up on their thirtieth
        birthday (cf. 25 for the VJ), signaling that it's time to die  [See
        "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   + Cienega (another place in LA)  {bjr}
      - assuming I heard it right, the replacement VJ gets here name from here

   + "Captain Jack," by Billy Joel  (song)  {cg}
      - Alligator's name the same as this song, which, incidentally, is about
        masturbation
      - [Jon Halter replies, "Actually 'Captain Jack' refers to marijuana.
        Masturbation is mentioned by name in the song but the term 'Captain
        Jack' is one of the many aliases for pot."]

   + gators-in-toilet urban legend  {bjr}
      - Marge welcomes Captain Jack in her toilet

   + "The Wedding Singer" (movie)  {jg2}
      - "Bring on the Rappin' Granny!"  [{jc} notes that she's Ellen Abertini
        Dow]

   + "We Built this City" (song)
      - several times in this episode, Homer tries to sing this Starship song

   + Caesarian section (medical procedure)  {bjr}
      - "Joe C-section" alludes to this

   - "The Dukes of Hazzard" (TV show)  {jg2}
      - OFF beating the sheriff across the railroad tracks is reminiscent of
        the Dukes' escapes

   - "Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry" (movie)  {bjr}
      - I might be mangling the title, but the movie is famous for ending
        abruptly when the main characters' car is hit by a train

   + LBJ photo-op  {bjr}
      - there's a famous photo of him picking up a beagle by the poor dog's
        ears

   - "Leadbelly" (movie)  {gl}
      - the whole chain gang/playing music at the Judge's party seemed to be a
        reference to this 1976 biographical movie

   - Taxi (TV series)  {ddg}
      - Homer, like Reverend Jim, "remembers" how to play the piano

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Kill Or Be Killed: The Dangerous Life Of Homer Simpson and Family  {jma}
   - [7F06] Bart gets hurt trying to jump over car.  Later, Homer jumps over
            gorge.  Almost cleared it, though ...
   - [7F10] The title ["Bart Gets Hit by a Car (7F10)"] is pretty self-
            explanatory
   - [7F11] Homer eats supposedly-poisonous fish, lives
   - [8F11] Bart gets trapped down well
   - [9F01] Fire at the ol' Simpson place!  We gotta save Homer!
   - [9F09] Remember: Uncorrected heart conditions may send you to an early
            grave
   - [9F10] Homer is captain of a monorail that goes berserk
   - [1F02] Homer runs over the Dean
   - [1F03] Chief Wiggum's police car (with Home-Boy in it) sails off cliff,
            lands in pile of garbage
   - [1F15] Homer and his half-assed attempts to rescue himself out of a tar
            pit
   - [2F01] I & S robots almost kill OFF
   - [3F05] If Homer was that overweight in real life, he'd be dead by now
   - [4F03] Homer, because of one of his crackpot schemes, almost gets killed
            by Drederic Tatum
   - [4F19] Frank (Grime E.) Grimes kills himself because of Homer
   - [5F01] Homer does stuff with a gun that would normally kill or severely
            injure a person
   - [5F06] Car slams into house, Marge and The Flanderses are inside
   - [5F22] Bart unknowingly raises lizards, which kill hundreds upon hundreds
            of pigeons
   - [AABF02] Flower shot into Homer's head
   - [AABF04] Grampa Simpson almost killed thanks to Homer's stupidity
   - [AABF19] OFF almost killed by Tomacco-addicted animals
   - [AABF20] OFF "killed" by falling into "lava"
   - [AABF21] Another attempt to kill Homer by those wacky restaurant owners
   - [AABF22] Bart steals tank, drives it to school, aims it at a bunch of
            objects and/or people, and then shoots MLB satellite out of the
            sky
   - [BABF02] Homer almost killed by drowning and half-assed attempt to swim

- [7F24], [2F03] Homer goes nuts  {jma}
- [9F08] "Can't sleep ... clown'll eat me" (cf. "Can't sleep ... gonna die")
- [9F09] A father outliving his children is discussed.  {cg}
- [9F21] Homer plays a piano  {ddg}
- [1F01] Someone whips Homer  {jg2}
- [1F02] "Louie Louie" is played  {cg}
- [2F13] Giant beer shown  {jma}
- [2F21] Marge brushes her hair back  {bjr}
- [3F21] Rock concert (Hullabalooza) attended by Homer  {jma}
- [4F02] Someone whips Marge  {jg2}
- [4F05] The debutante and Admiral Carstairs are seen.  {cg}
- [4F20] Airboats [those propeller-driven flat-bottom boats -- Ed.] appear
         {bjr}
- [4F22], [AABF15] Socialite from New York attends the party  {bjr}
- [5F18] Homer doesn't trust an inanimate object.  (The lawn-ornament
         lumberjacks in the first show, and the sleeping-bag cowboys in this
         one)  {cg}
- [5F21] A prediction is made on how long Homer will live  {cg}
- [AABF02] The word "wang" is spoken  {jma}
- [AABF02] Homer uses the word "wang"  {dj}
- [AABF04] Homer escapes from something important (cf. OFF escaping from
         something criminal)  {jma}
- [BABF10] Ned mentions Maude's death  {ddg}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Homer's magazine  {bjr}

               SELF TEST
                MONTHLY

    [car]     Are You A Good Driver?
    Are You A Good Lover?    [heart]
    [head]        How Smart Are you?
    Do You Have ESP?  [crystal ball]

    [UPC Code]

- Palm Corners sign  {bjr}

                 WELCOME
                    TO
    [palm]     PALM CORNERS     [palm]
    [tree]                      [tree]
           [alligator sleeping]
           [with his head on  ]
           [a pillow          ]

- Sign on Homer's airboat  {bjr}

    SPRING BREAK 4-EVER

- "Help Wanted" signs at the diner  {bjr}

                        BROOM     MOP
     COOK    WAITRESS    BOY      GIRL
    WANTED    WANTED    WANTED   WANTED

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
=  When Homer says he'll take the next quiz, he flips back a page.  {al}

-  On the " 3 Nights Later" exterior house shot there is a light on in the
   living room, but inside all the lights are off.  {al}

*  Bart and Lisa managed to remain in their seats when the car was tipped over
   despite not wearing seat belts.  ("Maybe they were lap belts?" They were
   moving around just before they were turned over.)  {ddg}

*  Wouldn't Bart and Lisa had known that it was spring break?  (They would be
   out of school)  {nb}

=  When Homer leaves the inn strapped to the bed, the bed moves to the front
   of the door early.  {jp}

*  How did Homer write "BEACH" on the back side of his bed?  {bjr}

-  The word "LOBBY" appears on the sign over the hotel door the second time
   Homer leaves.  {cg}

*  Wouldn't Homer need a license to operate the Swamp Boat?  {nb}

=  After the family escapes from the sheriff's boat, it doesn't look like
   Maggie is in the car with them.  {bjr}

=  The second set of railroad tracks appears only when the Amtrak train hits
   the Simpson car.  {ddg}

*  (possibly not an error) Amtrak's "snack cars" are called "cafe cars" or
   "food cars".  {jp}

*  Maggie, Lisa and Bart would not have gone to prison, much less have to
   break rocks, they're all minors.  {nb}

*  You probably wouldn't have to go to prison for accidentally killing an
   alligator anyway.  {nb}

*  Chain gangs are not whipped anymore.  {nb}

=  When the sheriff approaches Homer, his car window opens while both of his
   hands are on the steering-wheel.  {gd}

*  Why in the world would they have prisoners working at a high society party,
   in prison uniforms no less?  {nb}

*  Just because the alligator was alive doesn't mean they [The Simpsons] would
   have got off Scot-free, they escaped from custody, and evaded police
   officers.  {nb}

-  On the map, Michigan's annex is colored as part of Canada.  {jp}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Jerome Ayers:  This episode is so crazy, it's SUPERCRAZY!  I mean, Homer has
   yet ANOTHER mid-life crisis, so he goes to see the plant shrink.  Shrink
   tells him to go to Florida with his family.  Then it starts getting funny.
   Very funny. The humor went a bit south in Act 3, but it's no big deal.
   Heck, I think ALL 233+ episodes are funny, and I'm not going to sugarcoat
   that thought for the sake of sounding like a critic.  In that wise, my
   grade for BABF16 is ...  (A+)

Wilson Banswell:  Ok, after a crappy cameo, a wild chase, and some
   (un)hilarious boob jokes, what do I get?  A pile of crap unworthy to be a
   Simpsons episode.  I tried to view this episode as easily as possible.  I
   really wanted to like this episode.  The plot seemed quite impossible.  It
   starts out as Homer with stress, it ends up with Homer & Co. trying to
   escape being a waiter during a dinner.  The jokes were pathetic: the car
   crash, the chase scene, the quiz bit that was stolen from All In The
   Family, etc.  I hated the concert scene most of all. We've seen Homer try
   to be cool in a concert twice before, and this was the worst.  The things
   that were the most tolerable were The Simpsons at the Diner scene, and
   perhaps the court scene.  This is certainly the worst of season 12, if not
   one of the worst of all time.  (F)

Arup Baral:  After a few decent episodes following the painful experience that
   was "Saddlesore Galactica," the Simpsons has produced what now is awaiting
   my spot for Worst Episode Ever.  I am certain a few reviewings will not
   change this inevitable label.  Boob, fart, redneck jokes aren't in he same
   ballpark as the hilarious social commentary the Simpsons were able to
   provide not too many years ago.  This episode plays out as if the Simpsons
   writers have brought themselves to committee thinking.  The concept: A
   Spring Break episode of some sort while still incorporating Kid Rock.  A
   paper being passed around the table while each writer writes a line, is
   very much what this episode comes across as.  A bewildering, atrocious
   episode.  (F)

Nate Birch:  Wow, it seems that the writers solution to having run out of
   ideas for the show, is to cram as many different storylines into one show
   as possible.  As a result this episode jumped all over from one place to
   the next, without any reason.  For instance the first two or three minutes
   Homer is having yet another mid-life crisis, then suddenly he's at some
   spring break celebration and the midlife crisis is almost completely
   forgotten.  On the plus side, this episode was pretty funny (even it was
   heavy on wackiness and "Jerkass Homer"), and the fast pace kept me from
   getting bored.  The Kid Rock cameo was less nauseating than most musical
   guests the show's had lately (but that's probably just because I like Kid
   Rock).  All and all I'll be generous and give it a ...  (B)

Rich Bunnell:  This episode was HORRIBLE.  Bottom of the barrel CRAP.  They
   don't even have the "The writers are trying to piss off the fans!" pillar
   to hide behind this time like they did in that godawful jockey elves
   episode.  The VJ joke was funny, but one joke does not an episode make.
   The plot itself just wandered from place to place, not actually going
   anywhere and spouting out lame jokes for the episode's entire run.  The
   whole Spring Break idea was an interesting concept, but John Swartzwelder
   really bombed it.  I never thought I'd ever say this, but ... Grade:  (F)

Don Del Grande:  This was a show in three acts; the first one (Homer goes
   crazy) was bad, but things got better in the Spring Break act, only to fall
   back to the mediocrity of the first act with the entire "fugitives from the
   law" bit - and OH LOOK, IT WAS ONLY "STUNNED", SO THEY'RE FREE TO GO -
   what, did somebody think none of us watched the same thing on "King of the
   Hill"?  [For those who don't watch "KOTH":  It once had a similar story
   involving an endangered crane -- Ed.]  (B)

Curtis Gibby:  Season-11-itis:  a distinct lack of finishing power in an
   episode.  After a silly-- yet genuinely entertaining-- first half,
   tonight's episode descended into a terminal case of this deadly disease.
   Most of the time, a viewer doesn't get the sense that the writers have no
   idea how to finish the show until the beginning or middle of Act III, but
   the symptoms of this season 11 illness were evident in "Kill" as early as
   the middle of Act II.  I enjoyed seeing the Simpsons adjusting to life in
   the South at the diner, but that was the only good thing about the last
   half of the episode.  The guest stars weren't bad, and I thought the
   relatively normal SNPP scenes were long overdue.  (B)

Joe Green:  Ugh.  I really can't say much about this travesty of an episode,
   aside from the dependence on cheap "all Southerners are hicks" jokes and
   running gags that were stretched out waaaaay too far, and the sheer
   vapidity of the whole thing.  (F)

Jimmy Jay:  Act 1 was hilarious, it really was.  Homer going crazy was very
   amusing.  Act was the worst, hardly any laughs at all.  Kid Rock was SO
   stupid!  Act 3 was funny when the Simpsons had become a southern hick
   family, but other than that it was wretched.  I give it a  (D-)

Carl Johnson:  There were a few stupid scenes, but overall, I thought BABF16
   was more good than bad.  Swartzwelder, who probably didn't do much work on
   this one at all, deserves a good pat on the back for creating something so
   cheerfully stupid. The story was amusing at the very least, and a bit more
   than half of the jokes worked.  Escapist fare of the most entertaining
   kind.  (B-)

Darrel Jones:  Maybe I'm getting soft on the "wacky" episodes, but I liked
   this one.  No classic, to be sure, but a fine one in the tradition of "bad
   vacation" eps.  Liked Homer's "quizmaster" outfit, his craziness while
   fearing death, his party at spring break - heck, Homer WAS this episode.
   And he did a good job of making a total fool of himself, too.  (B+)

Adam Long:  Okay, so it was another wacky vacation-adventure, but this one
   turned out a lot better than I was predicting.  There were the usual low
   parts, but for every subpar gag there was a really good one to balance it
   out.  I will never forgive Mike Scully for putting Kid Rock on the greatest
   show ever, but I think the rest of the episode makes up for it.  (B)

Troy J. Matthews:  Not a bad episode if I may so say.  I would have gave it
   "extra" point, if they would have cut out the Kid Rock scene where Joe C
   becomes a sling shot. I think that scene was a waste of time!  (B-)

Michael Nusair:  I never thought I'd say it, but ...  Worst episode ever!
   Man, this thing started out bad, and just got worse and worse.  I did not
   laugh ONCE the whole episode.  The whole, "I like that" thing was mildly
   amusing, but that's about it.  I don't think this episode had one redeeming
   moment.  It did everything that an episode could possibly do wrong.  The
   scenes at the power plant, both with Burns and with Lenny and Carl, seemed
   off.  Everything in Florida was stupid.  Kid Rock's presence was pointless
   beyond belief. Some of the voices even seemed wrong, somehow.  Maybe a
   subplot or something would have helped, but as it stands, this was a 22
   minute crap-fest.  I think Marge said it best: "This family has hit a new
   low."  (F)

Abhi Ray:  This episode does have some snappy dialogue.  It could have been a
   really good escapade-type episode; I did like the fast-paced nature of the
   story from the end of act 2 to the first half of act 3.  However, there
   were so many jokes that were either desperate or tasteless that it was
   impossible to like this episode.  The story is just much too wacky and
   confusing to be entertaining, even on an escapist sort of way.  And Kid
   Rock's appearance was absolutely horrible.  Even with all of the amusing
   dialogue, lack of care drags this episode to a  (D)

James Reisdorf:  I think this was a very clever episode.  Homer's Spring Break
   exploits were quite funny, (just shows he's out of touch), and OFF going
   Southern was also funny, albeit stereotypical.  The ending sequence was
   just as clever, it seems Matt Groening was toying with us in the "Where is
   Springfield?" debate.  But regardless, it shows that the Simpsons have life
   this year after a rocky beginning.  (B+)

Eric Sansoni:  John Swartzwelder rolls another very low ball with an episode
   that seems more reminiscent of the worst Chevy Chase Vacation movie than
   The Simpsons. Funny animal faces and fart jokes define its general IQ
   level.  Homer, a complete puppet of the plot, has never had less humanity.
   At Spring Break, instead of satire on the MTV culture or the generation
   gap, a la Homerpalooza, we get mindless jerkass Homer antics.  The basic
   premise utterly fails, because we have no sympathy for the drunken,
   reckless Homer or his crimes.  The whole episode wallows in nonsense, often
   attempting to parody ideas it never had in the first place.  Some sensible
   Marge dialogue and a striking visual gag or two eke out a few smiles.  (D+)

Fox Wolf:  Well, I better get this done before someone else's review
   influences me to say something bad.  It wasn't bad.  A few chuckles here
   and there, maybe a few snickers, nothing really laugh out loud funny.  The
   only things that were a little odd for the episode were the whole train
   thing and Kid Rock's disturbing scene.  Liked the first act, though, and
   the couch scene was pretty good.  The third act seemed rushed, though, I
   thought it would end a la "Missionary Impossible" with the fire surrounding
   the family.  It could have been better (Okay, A LOT better) if Captain Jack
   wasn't just suddenly alive again, a witty ending would be nice.  Oh well,
   at least we don't have to ponder about the end like most other Season 11
   episodes.  (C+)

Yours Truly:  A story about Spring Break doesn't necessarily have to be an
   intellectual masterpiece, but "Alligator" is like a crasser version of a
   Saturday-morning cartoon.  The first act is a (poorer) rehash of 5F21, the
   characterizations are off, and the ending is anticlimactic.  On the other
   hand, Deidrich Bader puts in a good guest appearance as a sheriff, and I
   liked both a friendly diner owner, and Homer's nickname for Florida.
   Overall, though, the Simpsons' trip to Florida is as flat as, well, last
   week's complimentary beer.  (D+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  C- (1.72)   Std Dev.: 1.3320   (25 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Musical Reference

Jimmy Jay:  Kid Rock performs "Bawitdaba"


Speaking of whom, James Reisdorf has some background information on Mr. Rock:
   Bob Ritchie is better known as our loud screaming, hard rocking, malt
   liquor toting guest star Kid Rock.  Kid Rock for years was an underground
   music sensation in Detroit, but made it big in 1999 with the multi-platinum
   album "Devil Without a Cause".  He had two crossover pop singles, "Cowboy"
   and "Only God Knows Why", but the song he performs in this episode,
   "Bawitdaba" (the chorus which he screams is based on an old school rap
   "hook"), is his most recognizable song by far.  At the time the episode was
   first aired, he had a new album, "The History of Rock", scheduled for
   release.  As mentioned in DYN, his newest video, for the song "American Bad
   Ass", appeared about a week earlier on MTV.

   [Mr. Reisdorf also notes that Kid Rock could be called, "Sideshow Bob
   Ritchie?" -- Ed.]


Darrel Jones identifies the *other* bands in this episode:  "Wild Weekend" -
   Rebels (1963) -- played during spring break, outside the hotel

   "We Built This City" - Starship (1985) -- Homer sings this three times
   during the ep

   "Louie Louie" - Kingsmen (1963) -- played during Homer's Everglades boat
   ride


>> Meta-reference corner

Joe Klemm:  Homer's comment about only having three years left to live could
   be meta-humor that the show may have only three years left before it goes
   off the air.


>> Those Eternal Threads

 - Where is Springfield?

Don Del Grande contributes:  Prepare for the "Springfield is in Arizona"
   posts!  Since they are not welcome in any state except Arizona and North
   Dakota, and they are not in North Dakota, that leaves Arizona -- unless, of
   course, they already crossed out the state they live in (or they're not
   welcome there but they live there anyway).


>> Whatever, it's still too soon for a sex test

Nathan DeHoff wonders whether Maude's death was really "six months ago":  I'm
   not sure if this has been mentioned yet, but that figure seems off to me.
   Why?  Because this episode took place around March, which would mean, had
   Maude died six months before, she would have died around September, but it
   certainly didn't look like fall in the nature preserve at the beginning of
   "Alone Again, Natura-Diddly."


>> "I had the blues like Chasen's had chili."

Curtis Gibby explains:  Interestingly enough, the same day that this episode
   first aired, there was a question about Chasen's in one of the Q&As in
   "Parade" magazine.  The article mentions that this restaurant's chili was
   famous among celebrities, like the Hollywood producer in this episode.


>> Spring break rules!

Benjamin Robinson writes:  An annual rite of spring in America, spring break
   is the period when colleges let their students out of school for a week of
   rest and relaxation.  Of course, what a college student considers "restful
   and relaxing" probably differs from your definition of the term.  Spring
   break has earned the a reputation for being a free-for-all party complete
   with binge-drinking, coeds in various states of undress, loud music, and
   all those other fun things you see in movies about college. What we saw
   during this episode is actually kind of tame in comparison with real life.
   Although spring break usually lasts for a week, the various colleges can't
   agree on which week to grant.  As a result, the spring break season starts
   in March, and winds down by Easter weekend, as students are let loose on a
   staggered schedule.

   Florida has been the traditional focus of spring break, but this is
   starting to change.  During the 60s, the place to be was Ft. Lauderdale.
   Later, the party moved to Daytona Beach.  Eventually, the townsfolk tired
   of having their town torn up each year, and the students were "encouraged"
   to tone it down, or go elsewhere.  Panama City was hot for a while, thanks
   to lax enforcement of the 21-and-up drinking age we have here in America.
   (The attitude wasn't much different than that of Palm Corners' sheriff, who
   was understanding during spring break, and a hard-ass at all other times.)
   Nowadays, the up-and-coming hot spots are in Mexico and the Caribbean,
   where the drinking age is only 18.  Florida is still a popular spot,
   especially for those who lack the funds for overseas travel.


Joe Klemm adds:  As seen in the episode, MTV sends its crew down south every
   year as part of Spring Break, and they usually have special events down
   there, like concerts featuring some of today's hottest performers.


James Reisdorf:  The wild events in Florida is almost dead similar to this
   famous April event held by the infamous music network.  (Ironically, "We
   Built this City" was performed by Starship during the first one in 1986)


Jerome Ayers:  these wild, crazy, rowdy and alkyhol-fueled college students
   are not the top source of revenue for the state of Florida.  FAMILIES are!


>> America's Wang!

Benjamin Robinson:  Forget where Springfield is ... where is Palm Corners?
   Based on the characters' accents and sensibilities, I'd suggest it's in the
   panhandle, perhaps near the sites of real-life Panama City or Fort Walton
   Beach.  The area, from what I've heard, is as much like nearby Georgia or
   Alabama as it is peninsular Florida.

   Other "Florida" touches include

   * The orange groves that the family drive past in the third act.

   * The popularity of airboats, those flat-bottomed boats that are pushed
   along by a large above-water propeller.

   * The large swamp.  Florida's most famous is the Everglades, but swampy
   land can be found in other locations.

   * The tendency of the locals to "adopt" and name alligators. Wildlife
   officials hate it when people do this, especially when people feed them,
   because the 'gator loses its natural fear of people.  At this point, the
   "friendly" animal can suddenly turn and attack.

   * The electric-chair ice sculpture.  The state prison at Starke has an
   electric chair fondly known as Old Sparky.  Sparky may be headed for
   retirement soon, thanks to numerous "cruel and unusual punishment" legal
   motions.  [This is indeed the case; the last several executions have been
   via lethal injection -- Ed.]


>> So That's What Happened To John Sencio

Jeff Cross explains:  The scene where the VJ gets whisked away because a chip
   in her palm turned red is straight out of an old sci-fi flick called
   "Logan's Run," which starred Michael York (AKA Basil Exposition from
   "Austin Powers").  It was about a post-apocalyptic biodome where the
   residents were required to commit suicide at the age of 30 to control the
   population.  Everyone had a "lifeclock" chip embedded in their hands, which
   would turn red when they turned 29 and anyone who ran away from their fate
   was hunted down and shot on sight.  It seems appropriate that MTV, whose
   target audience is the late teens-early 20's age range, would use this
   method to make sure the audience can identify with their on-air
   personalities.


>> "Kill The Alligator And Run" -- The True Story

As Jerome Ayers points out, there really is a true story:  I once saw
   something on the news once about manatees, and how that motorboats
   sometimes hit these creatures.  Sometimes called "sea cows", manatees swim
   in the waters around Florida, and most manatees are severely injured or
   killed due to motorboats sometimes hitting them.  I think they have a
   facility in Florida for the rehab of these magnificent and at the same time
   lumbering creatures.  Same deal for alligators, crocodiles, or any large
   water-dwelling creatures around the waters of Florida.


>> Music for Idiots

Benjamin Robinson:  Speaking of Florida, it's also home to the Backstreet
   Boys, one of those pre-fab boy groups that have been tearing up the charts
   lately. They're also presumably the subject of teeny-bopper quizzes like
   the one Homer gives Lenny and Carl.  Hey, at least it wasn't BSB at the MTV
   concert ...


>> Car Watch Rules!

Benjamin Robinson observes:  One of the cars that passes Homer while he's
   trying to hitch a ride appears to be a pink Cadillac, from the early 70s.
   The vehicle that picks him up is definitely a green VW Bus.


>> And now, here's something you're really going to like

"Lone Star" weighs in with his or her opinion:  They had a new episode of the
   Simpsons on yesterday,

   I liked that.

   The plot and story started out incredibly stupid and mundane,

   I liked that.

   The psychiatrist and midlife crisis "plot" was obviously recycled,

   I like that.

   Kid Rock was the most pointless guest appearance since B. Helper with
   Michael,

   I liked that.

   The second and third acts employed mind-numbing gags and extradimensional
   physics,

   I like that.

   The stupid train gag was quickly outdone by the disgusting Bart marries
   Lisa  mimick

   I like that.

   The ending  relied on the dumb whipman in continuing the story,

   I liked that

   Final Grade D-

   Yet when will they realize it's just boring.

   I liked that

   You people say the show sucked, I like that.

   [I don't normally print entire reviews, but I liked this one -- Ed.]


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Eric Sansoni alterna-title for this show is:  Swamp Gas


Wilson Banswell reports the American Neilsen ratings:  Kid Rock and Charlie
   Rose guest starred on "The Simpsons," which pulled an 8.6/14 (7.5/13 [for
   the season]) at 8 p.m.


Darrel Jones:  Bart thought Mount Rushmore is in North Dakota, not South
   Dakota.  This is a common mistake amongst Americans who don't live in
   either state (which would be most of us).


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Bart brings the mail to his dad, earning three dollars for
% convenient on-couch delivery.  The mail brings Homer an interesting
% magazine.

Homer:	Ooh, my first issue of "Self-Test Monthly!"  Finally, I 
	get to find out what makes me tick.
Bart:	I'm betting it's hunger and rage.
Homer:	Yeah, but in what ratio?
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The cover of "S-TM" poses questions such as, "Are you a good
% driver?"  Homer answers "yes" to all of them, pleased that he's
% testing out so well, until Lisa points out the quizzes are on the
% inside of the magazine.  She suggests that Homer be the quizmaster,
% giving the questions for others to enter.
%
% Homer gets into his new role, wearing a robe and an orange traffic
% cone with a question mark painted on it.  The new quizmaster's first
% subject is Ned Flanders.

Homer:	Okay, Flanders, your love quiz score is ... 61.  That 
	makes you a, "Frigid Frieda."  I took off 30 points for 
	all that crying you did.
Ned:	[sniffs] Well, it was a little insensitive of you giving 
	me a sex test, seeing as my wife just passed away.
Homer:	No way!  When?
Ned:	Six months ago.  You were at the funeral.  You fell into 
	the grave!
Homer:	[laughs] Oh, yeah.  I saw a gopher.  What a day!
-- Not a memorable day, evidently, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% Homer quizzes his co-workers at the power plant.

Homer:	Okay, last question.  Who is your favorite Back Street 
	Boy?
Lenny:	Oh!  The little rat-faced one.
Carl:	No, no, no -- Nick!  He's so good to his mother.
Homer:	According to this, you're both idiots.
Lenny:	Hey, thanks.  What do we owe you?
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% A quizmaster's job is never done, or so it seems.  Homer tries
% testing Marge as she tries to get some sleep.

Homer:	[reading] Okay, there's a black widow at the door, a 
	rattlesnake in the window, and a scorpion on the phone.  
	Do you:  (A) None of the below, (B) -- 
Marge:	Homey, for God's sakes, it's two a.m.
Homer:	Fine, I'll take the next quiz.  [flips pages, and reads] 
	How long will you live?  In an average week, how many 
	braised ribs do you eat?  Marge, do you think that counts 
	honey braised?
Marge:	[holding a pillow over her head] I don't know!  I'm trying 
	to sleep.
	[dissolve cut to later that night.  Homer polishes off a 
	bucket or ribs as he finishes the test]
Homer:	Okay, non-smoker, add eight years, [adds figures] so 
	according to this I'll live to be ... forty-two?  Ohhh, 
	that's horrible!  I won't even live to see my children 
	die!  [puts his hands to his face and cries]
Marge:	[wakes up] Now what's wrong?
Homer:	I've only got three more years to live.
Marge:	Well, maybe you added it wrong; let me have it.  [takes 
	the magazine, rechecks Homer's math, and recoils in 
	horror]
Homer:	See?  And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge.  They're 
	put together by the finest scientists in the magazine 
	business.
-- Iron-clad credentials, those, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% Unnerved by the news, and afraid of dying in his sleep, Homer stays
% awake to watch Charlie Rose interview movie producer Robert Evans.

Homer:	Can't sleep -- gonna die.  Can't sleep -- gonna die.
Rose:	We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans.  Now, 
	before you did "The Godfather," there was "Love Story."  
	Tell us about that.
Evans:	Ah, "Love Story" -- the little picture that could.  Was 
	Paramount chomping at the bit to make it?  Heh, heh, you'd 
	better believe they weren't.  But once that tear-jerker 
	hit John Q. Popcorn, it was boffo-boo-boo box office all 
	the way.  [chuckles]
Rose:	And the critics loved it, too.  I remember Vincent Canby 
	said, [turns to the camera] "I'm going to kill you, Homer.  
	You are so dead."
Homer:	[screams]
Rose:	Now "Chinatown" was a classic, but you had problems with 
	the sequel, "The Two Jakes"?
Evans:	Oh, boy.  Disappointed?  I had the blues like Chasen's had 
	chili.  I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood 
	Rule #1:  [turns to camera] Kill Homer Simpson."
Homer:	[screams and ducks under a blanket]
	[Marge and the kids walk down the stairs]
Bart:	Hey, what's all the screaming?
Lisa:	Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.
Marge:	You should see a doctor, Homey.  A head doctor.
Homer:	I'm not crazy.  It's the TV that's crazy!  [yells at the 
	TV set] Aren't you, TV?
Evans:	The crisis?  Charlie Bludorn's birthday.  The solution?  A 
	snappy banner.  Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne, 
	and six drafts later, I had myself a party.
Homer:	You see?  Gibberish, all gibberish.
-- Hard to argue with that, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The next day, an inspection of the power plant goes smoothly --
% until Burns and the inspector run into Homer.  Wearing a children's
% cowboy sleeping bag, he "nurses" a baby doll on the theory that if
% he is a mother, he cannot die.  Burns cannot convince the inspector
% that Homer is just there "to remind the employees of the precious
% gift of sanity," so Homer is sent to the company psychologist.
%
% The shrink figures that Homer's irrational behavior is caused by
% lack of sleep, which in turn springs from Homer's fear of death.

Doctor:	What you need is a good, long rest.  I suggest Florida.
Homer:	Florida?  But that's America's wang!
Doctor:	They prefer, "The Sunshine State."
-- I dunno, I kind of like it, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% Whatever you chose to call it, Homer and his family are on the way
% to Florida.  Their destination is peaceful Palm Corners, but when
% they get there, they can't help but notice a huge crowd of revelers
% filling the streets.  The town is probably quiet eleven months of
% the year, but the Simpsons have the poor fortune of arriving during
% Spring Break.
%
% The partygoers rush the car, and one well-endowed woman presses her
% breasts up against the passenger's window.  Marge turns to tell
% Homer they will look for someplace more relaxing, but Homer isn't
% there.  He's joined the party, and even helps tip over the car. 
% Through the windshield, Marge can see Homer running off with the
% crowd, yelling, "Party!"
%
% [End of Act One.  Time:  5:48]
%
% Marge surveys the typical Spring Break hijinks -- people running
% half-naked through the streets, playing loud music, drinking, and
% vandalizing signs -- and concludes that Homer will never get the
% rest he needs.  That is, not unless Marge literally straps him to
% the hotel bed.
%
% She underestimated Homer's party-animal nature.  Soon after she
% takes the kids sightseeing, Homer hops out of the hotel, bed and
% all, chanting, "Party!"  He even manages to hitch a ride to the
% beach.
%
% At the beach, MTV hosts its annual Spring Break concert.

Sepulveda:	Whoo!  Sepulveda here, doing the veejay thing for 
		the most out-of-control Spring Break ever.  And 
		since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard!  [a 
		jewel inset into Sepulveda's palm blinks] Ah!  No!  
		Not yet!  I'm only twenty-five.  [a pair of burly 
		guards drags her away, and a new girl runs to the 
		mike]
Cienega:	What up, chew-toys! {dt}  Cienega here, tightening
		the hose clamps for you bad girls.  We got Kid Rock 
		coming up for all you mosh monkeys.
Homer:		Whoo!  I like music!
-- Then you came to the right place.  Maybe.  "Kill the Alligator
   and Run"

% Kid Rock and crew take the stage.  Homer mistakes Joe C. for a lost
% child and tries to tackle him, but concert security nabs him before
% he can get very far.  Kid Rock begins their set with "Badwitaba,"
% and Homer sings along, off key.
%
% The rest of the family enjoys an airboat tour of the local
% swampland.

Guide:	And if you look to your left, you see another endless 
	stretch of stagnant water.  [some of the tourists take 
	pictures] Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, 
	folks.  It's our town's most famous resident, Captain 
	Jack.  [a big alligator swims near the airboat]
Lisa:	Look at the size of that gator.
Marge:	Is he a man-eater?
Guide:	Only convicts and hoboes.
Bart:	Do you have any hobo chunks we could throw to him?
Guide:	Ha -- 'fraid not.  Now years ago, Captain Jack helped 
	build Palm Corners by dragging sticks and stones from the 
	swamps.  Legend has it he designed the town flag.  
	[gestures to a tattered flag flying on the airboat's mast]  
	Say hello, Captain Jack.
	[the gator rolls over, showing his belly, and the tourists 
	say, "Aw"]
Marge:	Aw, he can crawl up through my toilet any day.
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The concert continues.

Kid Rock:	Thank you.  It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, 
		tearing it up at Spring Break, y'all.  Now, what 
		we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute.
Homer:		[in crowd] Bring on the Rapping Granny!  [the crowd 
		stares at him, incredulous] What?  She's hilarious.
Kid Rock:	You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the 
		party, and we're going to give props to the fallen 
		by pouring a forty on the curb.  [some dancing girls 
		wheel a curb onto the stage, and the crowd cheers] 
		But this ain't no forty ounce curb, so we're going 
		to need forty gallons, y'all.  [the crowd cheers 
		wildly, but their cheers turn to boos when Homer 
		grabs the forty-gallon bottle of malt liquor, and 
		begins drinking it]
Homer:		All for Homer.  [drinks] All for Homer.
Kid Rock:	What the?
Joe C.:		Hey, who's that fool?
Kid Rock:	Yo, let's waste that biotch.
Homer:		Biotch?  Moi?  [shakes up the bottle, and sprays Kid 
		Rock and Joe C. with the foam.  They're blasted 
		back, and Homer runs up to the stage microphone]
		[singing badly] We built this city on rock and roll 
		...
		[crowd boos]
		[Homer turns to see a threatening sight.  Two men 
		have grabbed the sleeves of Joe C.'s shirt.  Joe 
		himself has walked toward the back of the stage, 
		stretching the arms of the shirt to such lengths 
		that he looks like a giant slingshot.  Kid Rock 
		exchanges Joe's hat for a German WWI helmet, the 
		kind with a spike on the top]
Kid Rock:	We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
Joe C.:		Let's do this thing.
Sheriff:	[walks onstage] All right now, boys, that's enough.  
		[The men let go of the sleeves] Kid Rock, that's not 
		like you.  And Joe C., would your mama want you 
		stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
Joe C.:		No, sir.  Please don't tell mama.
Homer:		They called you a pig, sheriff.
Sheriff:	Well, I don't care what they call me, as long as 
		they play "Fists of Rage."  That's a good song.  
		[chuckles]
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% Marge paces nervously in the hotel room.  The sheriff comes by with
% Homer, who is still quite drunk.  "Guess how many boobs I saw today,
% Marge," he asks, before answering, "Fifteen!"  With that, Homer
% passes out on the couch.  The sheriff laughs good-naturedly and
% figures Homer was just blowing off steam.
%
% Homer wakes up the next morning to find that his insomnia is gone,
% and that his mental health (such as it was) has returned.  He goes
% out for more Spring Break fun, but the party is over and the
% students are getting ready to return to campus.  Homer vows to party
% on.
%
% The family charters an airboat, and roars through the swamp, playing
% "Louie, Louie."  Homer's having a good time, but the rest of the
% family is clearly counting the minutes before they return to dry
% land.

Homer:	[singing] We built this city, this kick-ass city,
	What kind of music built this city?  [pantomimes holding a 
	microphone to Lisa]
Lisa:	[singing, dispirited] Rock and roll.
Bart:	Dad, look out!
Homer:	[singing] Look out for what?
Bart:	[singing] The giant gator!
Homer:	[singing] The giant -- aah!
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The imperiled alligator is Captain Jack.  There isn't enough time
% for him to get out of the way, and the airboat scores a direct hit
% on him.  He floats upside-down, apparently on his way to gator
% Heaven.
%
% Just then, a police airboat pulls alongside the Simpsons, and the
% sheriff says that Homer is deep in trouble now.  Homer tries to make
% a break for it, but the swamp critters persuade him to go along
% quietly.
%
% The family returns in handcuffs to the police station.

Marge:		Did you really have to handcuff the children?
Sheriff:	No, ma'am, I did not.
Marge:		You seemed so understanding before.  What happened 
		to, "boys will be boys"?
Sheriff:	You see, during Spring Break, the beer companies pay 
		me to look the other way.  The rest of the year, I'm 
		a real hard-ass.
-- Now he tells us, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The standard-issue handcuffs don't fit Maggie, so the sheriff goes
% into the station to get a smaller pair.  Homer sees a set of keys
% hanging on a nail, and a chance for freedom.  He reaches toward
% them, and then uses the nail to split the chain holding his cuffs
% together.  The family runs to their car, and they speed off.
%
% The sheriff gives chase.  Using a bullhorn, he tells Homer to pull
% over, but Homer isn't going down without a fight.  Up ahead, there's
% a railroad crossing, and the lowered crossing bars indicate a train
% is coming through.  Homer gets an idea.

Marge:	Homer, no!  You'll kill us all.
Homer:	Or die trying!
-- That's the spirit, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% Homer guns it, and the family makes it across the tracks, just
% before the train reaches the intersection.  The sheriff is trapped
% on the other side.  The Simpsons get a few moments relief, but they
% have stopped on another set of tracks, just beyond the first.  Sure
% enough, a train headed in the other direction plows right into them,
% and carries them down the track.  Inside the car, Lisa asks her
% father what to do now.  Homer makes the most of the situation, and
% goes to sleep behind the wheel.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time:  13:28]
%
% Dawn breaks, and the train is still pushing the car down the track. 
% Lisa wakes up to find that Homer is missing.  Soon, he climbs in
% through the side window, having just visited the snack car.  He says
% he spoke with the engineer, and received his assurance that there's
% a procedure for just this sort of situation.
%
% The procedure is to pry the car off the train so it can roll down
% the hill.  It comes to a rest after flipping over several times. 
% The family gets out, and Homer puts out his shirt, which caught fire
% as the car was rolling.

Marge:	This family has hit a new low.  We're on the run from the 
	law, totally lost, no car, no money, no clean clothes, and 
	it's all your fault.  [points to Homer]
Homer:	I love being married.
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The family trudges down a back road until the reach a diner, which
% has some "help wanted" signs in the window.  Homer figures they can
% hide there until the heat's off.  The Simpsons walk into the diner,
% each one taking a sign as they enter.

Velma:	You took the signs out of the window?  That's pretty 
	presumptuous.  How do you know I'm going to hire you?
Bart:	Sorry, I just want to be a broom boy so bad.
Velma:	I like your attitude.  You're hired.  [to Lisa] How 'bout 
	you, missy?  You want to be a mop girl?
Lisa:	Not really, no.
Velma:	I like your honesty.  You're hired.  [to Marge and Homer] 
	And you two haven't said a word.  I like that -- you're 
	hired.
Homer:	Woo Hoo!
Velma:	Hey, keep it down!
-- She doesn't like that, "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The jobs come with some fringe benefits, like lodging.

Velma:	Y'all can stay in this trailer.  Now, it ain't Buckingham 
	Palace --
Homer:	[disappointed groan]
Velma:	-- but I raised eight young'uns, three chillun's, and a 
	baby here.  [opens the door.  The trailer is in really bad 
	shape]
Lisa:	Ew.
Marge:	Oh, it's so cozy.
Velma:	You're insincere.  I like that.
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The Simpsons start work at the diner.  Music plays on a radio in the
% background, until the DJ announces that authorities are on the
% lookout for a family of fugitives.  Velma quickly realizes the
% Simpsons are those fugitives, but figures they can stay, even when
% she catches Homer about to knock her out with a frying pan.
%
% Safe for now, the family members settle into their new lives.

Homer:	Jimmy crack corn and I don't care
	Jimmy crack corn and I'm not there
	We built this city on rock and r-o-o-o-ll
	Something, something, day.
Lisa:	Wow, look at all the stars you can see here.
Marge:	Those noxious gasses from the swamp must magnify them.
Bart:	I'm getting used to this country life.  Teacher says I'm 
	whittling at a tenth-grade level.
Marge:	And y'all hardly ever bicker any more.
Lisa:	Too hot to bicker, I reckon.
Homer:	You know, killing that gator was the best decision I ever 
	made.
Bart:	Got that right.
Marge:	Dern tootin'
Lisa:	Boy, howdy.
Homer:	Yep, this place is great.  And some day, when Lisa and 
	Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.
Bart +
  Lisa:	Yuck!
Marge:	You mean when they marry other people.
Homer:	Okay, but I ain't paying for two weddin's.
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% That night, the family is awakened when their trailer starts moving. 
% The long arm of the law has finally caught up to them.  The sheriff
% hitches his cruiser to the trailer, and drives the family to jail. 
% Velma looks on, declaring (you guessed it), "I like that."
%
% Homer represents himself at the trial.  He opens his defense by
% saying, "Drunken hicks of the jury ..."
%
% The next thing they know, the Simpsons are on a chain gang, busting
% up rocks.  The work is hard, and the gang boss whips his prisoners
% at the slightest provocation.

Marge:		We'd be much better rock-breakers if we weren't all 
		chained together.  [gets whipped]
Boss:		No talking.
Marge:		You know, you catch more flies with honey than with 
		vinegar.  [gets whipped again] Ow!  I'm beginning to 
		dislike the man with the whip.
		[the sheriff drives up in his car]
Sheriff:	Afternoon, folks.  Got a new assignment for you.  
		The judge is having a little soirée and he needs 
		some help.
		[Homer gets whipped]
Boss:		No listening.  You hear me?
Homer:		Uh, no.
Boss:		You just don't learn, do you?  [whips Homer]
Homer:		Ow!
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The judge's party that night has a unique Florida ambiance. 
% Socialites from the town gather around a buffet table, upon which
% has been placed an ice sculpture of Old Sparky, Florida's electric
% chair (now retired).  The Simpsons, still dressed in their festive
% orange prison jumpsuits, tend to the guests by offering hors
% d'oeuvres.  The gang boss is there, keeping the prisoners in line
% with his whip.

Sheriff:	Simpson, we've got a problem.  The jazz pianist 
		didn't show up.
Homer:		Well, what am I supposed to do?
		[cut to Homer seated at the piano, playing badly]
		[the whip snaps into him] Ow!
		[he now plays well]
-- Learn to play piano the chain gang way!  "Kill the Alligator
   and Run"

% Marge concocts a plan to escape.  She directs Bart to get the
% sheriff's keys, while she diverts his attention.

Marge:		Okay, Bart, I'll sweet-talk the sheriff while you 
		grab his keys.  [Bart winks and walks off]
Lisa:		What should I do?
Marge:		Restock the possum bar.  We're almost out of claws.
Lisa:		[disappointed] Ohh.  [walks offscreen]
		[the sheriff walks up to the punch bowl]
Marge:		My goodness, what a lovely suit, sheriff.  Is that 
		seersucker?
Sheriff:	Nah, not on a civil servant's salary.  It's 
		nearsucker.
Marge:		Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your 
		neck.
Sheriff:	Yup, it's coming along, huh?  You should see it in 
		August after the horseflies been getting' at it.  
		Hoo, man!
Marge:		Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang 
		has to dig for tar.
Sheriff:	Well, now, [chuckles] I might could switch you to 
		dead animal pickup.
-- "Kill the Alligator and Run"

% The sheriff notices Bart unshackling Marge's chains.  The family
% makes a break for it, with Homer hopping away from the piano in his
% leg irons.  They make it to the gate, but the gang boss uses his
% whip to close it before they can escape.  With another crack of the
% whip, he tips over a party torch, and the flame burns a circle in
% the ground around the family.  It's so impressive even *they* have
% to applaud at the sight.

Sheriff:	Nice try.  I guess we just haven't been whipping you 
		enough.
Socialite:	Sakes alive!  [a big alligator emerges from the 
		courthouse] Our beloved Captain Jack isn't dead, 
		after all!  [the crowd murmurs]
Sheriff:	Well don't that beat all.  I guess you folks just 
		stunned him.
Homer:		That's what we've been trying to tell you.
Judge:		Well, looks like you folks are free to go.  But 
		don't you set foot in the state of Florida again.
Homer:		Fine.  There are plenty of other states that are 
		happy to have us.
		[cut to the Simpsons' living room.  A map of the 
		United States is set on an easel.  There is a black 
		"X" drawn through all the states except Arizona, 
		Florida, and North Dakota]
Marge:		[draws an "X" on the map through Florida] Well, 
		we're still welcome in North Dakota, and Arizona.
Homer:		Arizona smells funny.
Marge:		[grumbles, and draws an "X" through Arizona]
Lisa:		North Dakota, here we come!
Bart:		I always wanted to see Mount Rushmore!
Marge:		That's South Dakota.
Bart:		[disappointed] Ohh.
-- Cheer up; you can still go to North Takoma, "Kill the Alligator
   and Run"

% Cut to the end credits.  Kid Rock and his orchestra close out the
% show.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  20:07]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{al}  Adam Long
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cg}  Curtis Gibby
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{gd}  Gilad Deneboom
{gl}  Grey Lowell
{jc}  Jeff Cross
{jg2} Joe Green
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jma} Jerome Ayers
{jp}  Jerry P.
{nb}  Nate Birch
{wb}  Wilson Banswell

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson.  This
capsule has been brought to you by the Florida Department of Tourism.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.