Days of Wine and D'oh'ses            Written by Deb Lacusta & Dan Castellaneta
                                                      Directed by Neil Affleck
==============================================================================
Production code: BABF14                    Original Airdate on FOX: 9-Apr-2000
Capsule revision A (28-Dec-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   [TV Guide] Barney quits drinking to take helicopter-flying lessons, leaving
   Homer feeling resentful and inferior; Lisa and Bart enter a contest to
   photograph the cover of the Springfield phone book.  {cl}

   [Advertisement] "Tonight, experience HOMERVISION ... when Homer has one
   (dozen) too many." (Advertisement has multiple overlapped images of Bart,
   as he would appear to someone intoxicated, saying ...) "Over here Homer."
   {bg}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     I WAS NOT TOUCHED "THERE" / BY AN ANGEL

                I WAS NOT TOUCH  at cutoff

Couch:          The Simpsons, drawn as they were in the Ullman era, sit on the
                couch.  Suddenly, they are joined by ... the Simpsons, drawn
                as they are today.  Confronted with one another, the two sides
                scream and run away.  [Recycled from AABF23]

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Marge reads "Meddling Today" magazine?

Gareth Barsby:
   ... Barney was so obsessed in alcohol, he actually helped the Duff company?
       [i.e., they sent him a "you're welcome" photo -- Ed.]
   ... Santa's Little Helper likes beer?
   ... Bart wants another bike, despite the one he has?

Sam Bell:
   ... one of the ladies at the meeting was Su-san, who tried to destroy Marge
       at the country club?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Barney managed to slip out of a closed handcuff?
   ... nobody could imagine Barney piloting a helicopter, even though he once
       piloted a blimp?
   ... Barney has "Pomme de Cheval Vin Francais" (Horse Apple French Wine),
       which is 80 Proof?
   ... the subject at the AA meeting was "THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR HANDS AT
       PARTIES"?
   ... the closet contains (what I assume is) Grandpa's Emmy?  (True, Bart and
       Lisa really wrote the I & S episode that won it, but they did still
       give it to Grandpa)
   ... Moe lives at 57 Walnut Street?
   ... both Moe's address and the one for the phone book contest say
       "Springfield, USA" and no ZIP code?
   ... they never say how Bart and Lisa decide which one gets the bike?  [See
       "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

Joe Green:
   ... the bottle of Screech Owl on Barney's cabinet?
   ... Marge reads "Meddling Today" magazine?
   ... the Tinky Winky lookalike's antenna is shaped like a martini?
   ... the diarrhea-causing chips Apu brings out are Ruffles?

Jimmy Jay:
   ... the Simpsons have a picture of Lincoln on the wall?

Darrel C. Jones:
   ... Homer talks about a census taker, on an episode broadcast two days
       before the real census takers start going door-to-door?

Joe Klemm:
   ... Milhouse's old blanket is indeed a My Little Pony blanket?

Andrew Levine:
   ... this is the first time we see Lisa naked?

Adam W. Long:
   ... Homer wasn't drunk at Barney's birthday party?
   ... there are at least 5 (somehow) apartments above Moe's?
   ... Barney's apartment consists of a mirror, telephone, and dartboard?
   ... one of the poker-playing dogs hides an ace?

Michael Morbius:
   ... there were cardboard tubes like the ones Cletus likes in the garbage
       along the sidewalk where Homer and Bart were first seen?
   ... Barney's apartment has a dartboard just like Moe's Tavern?  Maybe he
       stole it from Moe's.
   ... at the party in the video are the Wife Dodger and the Ear Bender--the
       Barflies?  They are not seen anywhere else in the episode.
   ... also at the party are the Hibberts?
   ... the "&" in "Fireball & Mudflap" is misleading since Burt Reynolds plays
       Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap?
   ... the Teletubbies' head symbols are a menorah [looks more like a
       pitchfork to me -- Ed.], a "female" symbol, and a martini.

Jerry P.:
   ... Lisa's hat falls off in the news report?

James Reisdorf:
   ... when using the talking Tiki, Homer uses improper grammar?
       ("irregardless" is not a correct term)  [{cg} writes, "I guess he's
       never read Bernstein, Copperud, or Follett."  See "Comments" section
       for more -- Ed.]
   ... in the home movie, when Barney gulps the beer, he seems to say "gulp!"
       every time he licks?
   ... one of the Teletubby clones has a three-pronged top?
   ... Homer slurs "Way Down on the Suwanee River" (or whatever this is
       called) when Moe and Lenny want him to dance?
   ... Homer wants to consume Olestra?
   ... the "double-talls" Barney and Homer are drinking seem to be iced?
       (i.e., they don't steam)

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... in the establishing shot before Barney showed up in the helicopter,
       Homer parked really badly?

Mike Smith:
   ... the First Annual Monty Burns Award and the Mr. Sparkle box in the
       closet?
   ... the producer credits are in black?  [Presumably because of the white
       steam the background -- Ed.]

Fox Wolf:
   ... the fire Homer started was rapidly spreading toward the kitchen?
   ... this episode mainly uses a different music scheme than other episodes?
       [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Gil, Ga-ga)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Cletus, Comic Book Guy, Carl, Moe, Clerk, Kirk, Announcer,
        Pilot)
   - Harry Shearer (Ned, Lenny, Wolfcastle, Kent, Burt Reynolds)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Brandine, Lindsey)
   - Karl Wiedergott (Gay Man [?])

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Days of Wine and Roses" (book and movie)
      - episode title a spoof
      - [Jeff Cross says the book is by J. P. Miller -- Ed.]

   + "Touched By An Angel" (TV series)
      - in his blackboard punishment, Bart recants his claim of being touched
        "there" by an angel

   + "Muhammad Ali vs. Superman" (comic book)  {jg2}
      - "She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" is reminiscent of this 1970's comic

   + 1999 Women's World Cup  {dj}
      - Homer wears a sports bra, like the one Brandi Chastain showed (and
        popularized) after scoring the game winning penalty kick for the U.S.

   + Bob's Big Boy (restaurant)  {fw}
      - Bob's Big Poi -- Hawaiian restaurant

   + "Get Out of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)" (song)
      - Homer's exclamation when he spots the Tiki sculpture borrows from the
        chorus of this Billy Ocean song

   + "Teletubbies" (TV series)
      - show the kids are watching is similar, but with more hurting people

   ~ "Copland" (movie)  {bmn}
      - McBain eating his way to an overweight action part is reminiscent of
        Stallone for this film

   ~ "Raging Bull" (movie)  {al}
      - Robert De Niro did the same thing for this movie

   + O.J. Simpson murder case  {bjr}
      - O.J. fled with his friend A.C. in a white Ford Bronco before he was
        arrested

   + "The Falcon and the Snowman"  {jj}
      - Marge uses the title characters as an example of friends sticking
        together

   + "Dogs Playing Poker" (painting)  {jk}
      - inspires picture that Bart and Lisa attempt to take [See "Comments"
        section for more -- Ed.]

   + Olean (fat substitute)  {ddg}
      - Homer asks for, "potato chips that cause diarrhea"

   - "Rio Bravo" (movie)  {db}
      - Dean Martin's character, a drunken deputy, danced while bar patrons
        tossed coins and called him a rummy, as Homer does in this show

   - "Saturday Night Live" (TV series)  {ja}
      - Homer drank a whole six (OK, there was 5 left) pack of beer at once,
        the way Beldar Conehead did

   + Coor's Lite (beer)
      - this beer has been nicknamed, "the Silver Bullet"

   - "The Lone Ranger" (movie serials)  {ddg}
      - uses silver bullets ["Technically, it's a reference," says {ddg}]

   ~ Smokey the Bear (public service spokes-character)  {jk}
      - bear trying to escape fire [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   - "Diabolik" (movie)  {jg2}
      - Moe sprays a gas cloud and laughs evilly, like this movie's title
        character

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Homer's safety deposit closet
   - [8F24] Souvenir sombrero from Mexico shown  {bjr}
   - [9F07] Mr. Plow jacket
   - [9F12] Bart plays soccer  {bjr}
   - [9F16] Simpsons (the family, not the show) win an Emmy
   - [1F13] Homer's space helmet shown in closet
   - [1F17] Malibu Stacey  {bjr}
   - [3F13] Homer still hasn't returned Flanders' hat and town crier bell
   - [4F03] Boxing gloves in the closet  {ddg}
   - [4F11] Marge has another Civil War figurine in the closet
   - [4F18] box of Mr. Sparkle cleanser
   - [5F04] The closet itself  {awl}
   - [5F07] Bart's fire truck  ["or rather, a replacement, since the original
            one burned" -- {bjr}]  {awl}
   - [5F19] Water skis seen  {bjr}
   - [BABF04] Skis  {awl}
   - [BABF05] Homer's motorcycle seen  {bjr}

- [7G07] The episode begins with Homer and Bart walking down the street at
         night  {cg}
- [7F08], [3F11] Golfing putter seen  {bjr}
- [8F12] Mt. Springfield seen  {ms}
- [9F01] Homer starts his own religion  {jg2}
- [9F01] Moe practices a "pagan" religion  {cg}
- [9F02] Barney pilots an airborne vehicle -- the Duff blimp  {ddg}
- [9F07] Homer rescuing Barney from a dangerous place  {ms}
- [9F10] Lisa mentions the town's old monorail
- [9F14] Someone must go "clean and sober"  {bjr}
- [9F14] AA meeting at church  {bjr}
- [9F14] Homer at AA -- "Welcome back, Homer"  {ddg}
- [9F15] Homer flies in a helicopter  {fw}
- [1F04], [2F18] The "dogs playing poker" picture is parodied  {dj}
- [1F13] Barney quits drinking  {jg2}
- [1F13] Sober Barney has neatly combed-back hair  {bjr}
- [1F18] A naked baby Bart is seen sitting on a toilet  {dj}
- [2F09] The angle and sudden zoom-out on the helicopter sitting on the bridge
         is the same as when Arnie Pie was delivering his traffic report  {mm}
- [2F13], [AABF09] A Simpson causes an ecological disaster  {jg2}
- [2F31] Barney goes to what he thinks is an AA meeting  {jg2}
- [2F31] Barney regrets his drinking habit
- [2F31] Barney confused a Girl Scouts meeting for an AA meeting  {ms}
- [2F32], [5F17] Barney sober  {ms}
- [3F11] The well-dressed woman at the AA meeting is from the country club
         {bjr}
- [3F21] Someone drinks several cans of beer at once  {wb}
- [3G02] Barney vows never to drink again  {dj}
- [4F03] Homer kept his boxing gloves  {bjr}
- [4F13] Squidport appears  {awl}
- [4F15] Implication that Bernice Hibbert is a drinker  {bjr}
- [4F22] Barney is sober  {wb}
- [5F23] Moe practices an Afro-Caribbean religion  {jg2}
- [AABF07], [BABF11] Teletubbies seen  {fw}
- [AABF18] East St. Louis below Springfield on livable cities list  {awl}
- [BABF02] Teletubbies seen or referenced  {bjr}
- [BABF11] Two characters are stuck on something high with something that
         burns everything surrounding them getting closer and closer ...  {fw}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Moe's home address, according to the package  {bjr}

      MOE SYZSLAK
    57 WALNUT STREET
    SPRINGFIELD, USA

- Drunkard's remorse stationery  {bjr}

    I am deeply
     sorry for ...

- Flying lesson coupon  {bjr}

    HELICOPTER
    FLYING     [chopper]
    LESSONS

- Various liquor bottle labels  {bjr}

        86
       PROOF        EXPORTE

                  POMME DE CHEVAL
    SCREECH OWL

- People at the AA meeting  {dj}
   - Kirk Van Houten, Susie from [3F11], Gil, Mrs. Bernice Hibbert, Kent
     Brockman, Lindsey Naegle

- Blackboard at AA meeting  {bjr}

        TONIGHT
        -------

     THINGS TO DO
    WITH YOUR HANDS
      AT PARTIES

- Did that phone book address go by too fast for you?  Here's a closer look  {bjr}

        SPRINGFIELD BELL
        SPRINGFIELD, USA
       P.O. BOX 2153-1264
        ROOM RR-312-BB5
    ATTN:  PHOTO SUBMISSIONS
           SUPERVISOR

- In the storage closet  {bjr}

    [Opening shot, left side]

    Top shelf:  Malibu Stacey doll box, soccer ball {mm}, putter
    2nd shelf:  stuffed animal, Mexico hat, Mr. Plow jacket  {fw}
    3rd shelf:  toy fire truck
    4th shelf:  water skis, panda doll, birdcage

    [Opening shot, right side]

    Top shelf:  Oar, lobster trap, ladies' hat
    2nd shelf:  boxing gloves, piggy bank, trophy cup
    3rd shelf:  cowboy boots, Emmy
    Floor:  Motorcycle (!)

    [As Lisa searches]

    Town crier hat and bell {nd}, alarm clock, Emmy

    [As Bart searches]

    Top shelf:  Safe (not seen until Bart walks toward the right)
    Middle shelf: "Spiffy" cleanser bottle, books, Civil War figurine {tjm},
                  Mr. Sparkle box {tjm}, menorah {sc}, old-fashioned camera
    Bottom shelf:  Space helmet {tjm}

- Sign at Springfield Flight School  {bjr}

     SPRINGFIELD
    FLIGHT SCHOOL

- Marge's magazine  {bjr}

    Meddling Today

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
+  Since when did Moe have so many baseball pennants on the wall?  {jj}

=  The police car door on Barney's arm wasn't there in the previous scene.
   {mm}

=  The mail truck's logo had the text "US Mail," but the bag's logo only said
   "Mail."  {cg}

*  When Barney was wearing Marge's dress, it should have went lower. Not to
   mention, he shouldn't have fit.  {ds}

*  If the videotaped party was from only a week ago, and Barney was at that
   time without the police car door attached to his wrist, how did the bar
   gang get used to him having it so fast?  {bmn}

+  Barney's been sober before when he had to be -- see 2F31 and 1F13.  {ddg}

+  Moe's Tavern shouldn't have living quarters on his roof.  {tm}

+  And Barney lives next to the prison, unless he was evicted from that place.
   {nd}

*  There's no non-program related ads on PBS.  [Sean O'Flaherty argues,
   "They're now what are called "enhanced underwriter credits", but would be
   described by any sane person as ads, between some programs on PBS."]  {jk}

*  How could the camera be unused for 7 years?  {wb}

-  A blue car at the airport (when Barney first gets there) had one headlight
   colored normally, and one colored just in blue.  {cg}

-  At the heliport there were two windsocks next to one another, yet they were
   blowing in opposite directions?  [Kelly Rhodes writes, "You do see this
   happen in real life.  Perhaps it was a very bad day for windshear."]  {dc}

*  How did the helicopter pilot know the black box would work when he didn't
   play back his test message?  {jg2}

*  When the pilot moves his handle in the helicopter, the other handle didn't
   move along with it.  {ddg}

*  Helicopters cannot fly straight down like Barney's did.  It's not
   physically possible.  (Then again, this is animated, anything goes.  :) )
   {dj}

c  When Wolfcastle said, "I'm playing a fat secret agent," the closed
   captioning read, "Now go away, or I'll eat your camera."  {tpl}

=  The two empty barstools next to Homer disappear.  {bjr}

*  Helicopters can't fly that fast, or land that fast.  {fw}

+  Homer has plenty of nicknames.  {jp}

+  Marge says "I haven't had a friend in years" -- what about Ruth?  [{bjr}
   asks, "What about Luanne Van Houten?"]  {ddg}

*  When Homer asks for potato chips that cause diarrhea, Apu comes out with
   bags of "ordinary" Ruffles instead of "Ruffles Wow!"  [See "Comments"
   section for more -- Ed.]  {ddg}

*  How did the beer fall off the truck?  {jp}

*  How could the bear be able to climb the tree that fast?  [Gentle Ben Mann
   says, "I think bears are actually quite fast.  That's how they getcha."]
   {wb}

*  The smoke from the fire would cause a choppy flight for Barney (Although
   this may explain why Barney had to fly closer to Bart and Lisa, even though
   the ladder almost touched them).  {fw}

*  Why would Bart & Lisa give the whole roll to the contest, couldn't they of
   just developed the roll, and given the picture they shot?  {wb}

*  How did Barney manage to drink those coffees so quickly without burning his
   mouth?  ["Candle Wax," says Ben Mann.]  {mn}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Wilson Banswell:  Keep your day job, Dan C. Not bad for a first effort, but
   come on after 245 episodes, you would assume the voices know the characters
   as good as the writers.  The idea of Barney learning to fly and Bart & Lisa
   trying to get a picture could be amusing, with an experienced writer, which
   Dan C. is not. Most of the jokes fell flat for me(clay going through the
   machine and bear up the tree)  (D+)

Nate Birch:  At first I was worried about this episode seeing as it was
   written by one of the voice actors, and another first time writer, but I'm
   glad to say this episode was a pleasant surprise.  The subject of Barney
   quitting drinking could have been handled in a very bad way, with a lot of
   jerkass Homer, and tasteless jokes, but thankfully that wasn't the case.
   Everyone was nicely in character, the plot was decent (the subplot even had
   something to do with the main plot!), and even better it was darned funny
   throughout (not just during certain acts).  Add to this fairly good
   animation, and you have surprisingly one of the best episodes of the
   season.  (A)

Don Del Grande:  You would think that, after sitting through almost 250
   episodes, Dan would have been able to do a little better job. (Then again,
   I'd like to see Swartzwelder voice Homer AND Barney ... and then it's over
   to Horta to do Arnold's grandfather and that ice cream man, but that's
   another story.)  The "somebody gets saved at the last second by the
   unlikely hero" bit didn't work, but there's nothing new about that.  (B-)

Curtis Gibby:  I really liked the first act, but the rest of the episode was
   only okay.  I enjoyed how we got to delve into Barney's character somewhat.
   The ending of both the main plot and Bart and Lisa's subplot seemed pretty
   sitcomish, and the episode was really not as good on a second viewing.
   (B+)

Joe Green:  Dan Castellaneta didn't do _too_ bad on his writing debut ... I'll
   just be nice and assume the co-writer was responsible for the goofy subplot
   and climax.  The ending was kind of a cop-out, but necessary in a way since
   Barney's excessive drinking is pretty much the alpha and omega of his
   character.  (C+)

Jimmy Jay:  Good stuff man!  I laughed many times at this episode, the
   funniest being Bart and Homer's searching through trash.  I also felt bad
   for Homer when he ran into his bedroom and cried  (A-)

Carl Johnson:  An inept, see-through story takes up far too much of the
   writers' energy, leaving them none to work on any decent jokes.  The
   writing is sickeningly mechanical, and the jokes are just plain stupid.
   The writers had their sights in the right place by connecting the two
   plots, but they obviously employed the clumsiest of methods in reaching
   that goal.  Not feeling good about yourself? Here's an idea, try this.
   Write your own story.  Just write stuff down and build to a climax of some
   sort and try to tie up as many loose ends as possible.  No doubt you will
   do no worse than Dan Castellaneta and his wife.  (D)

Darrel C. Jones:  Well, one thing's for sure; D. C. sure can write!  Those
   convinced the current writing staff sucks may even feel he's better than
   them.  Sure, it's still got the zaniness of recent seasons, but it works.
   And not once does Homer intentionally act like a jerkass.  Even the Bart &
   Lisa subplot was well done.  No classic, but a solid 8/10.  (A-)

Adam Long:  Good writing, actual presence of a formula, and nothing too
   extreme or obnoxious made this an enjoyable episode.  Both plots were
   handled nicely, and a lot of good humor spread throughout.  Nice ending, as
   well.  The trend of forced previous episode references and a few failed
   gags keep the episode away from true excellence, but Dan's writing debut
   was still a rather pleasant offering.  (B)

Michael Nusair:  I must say, I liked this episode a lot.  Overall it was a
   really good episode, and for a Season 11 episode it was great.  It had
   quite a few laughs, stayed away from over-the-top wackiness, and had a good
   subplot.  I don't think you could ask for much more, especially in a season
   filled with so many lackluster episodes.  The part with the bear climbing
   up the ladder of the helicopter was probably the funniest visual gag I've
   seen on the Simpsons in a long time.  The look on its face as it came up
   the ladder ...  I'm laughing just thinking about it (no really -- I am).
   If this episode is any indication of Dan Castellaneta's writing talent, I
   think they should let him write a lot more episodes.  (A-)

Lee Ratner:  I liked this episode but I totally misunderstood the plot from
   the blurb.  I thought Barney would give up alcohol and he would have to
   prevent Bart and Lisa from becoming addicting to the substance.  This would
   have made for better episode.  I also hoped he would have stayed sober at
   the end for artistic not moralistic reasons.  Besides that it was a funny
   episode with a good plot.  I especially liked the AA/AAA joke and the
   people getting thrown out of AA routine.  (A-)

James Reisdorf:  This was one of their better (if not the best) episodes of
   the season.  Bravo to the writers for not giving us the "obvious" ending.
   (even if Barney does end sobriety in the next new episode)  This wasn't too
   mushy, sweet, or sentimental, but it was still able to give us a message
   (in the classic Matt Groening way), and it still managed to pack in a good
   amount of humour.  The jokes, unlike previous episodes, actually had more
   of a "punch" to them, and were funny for a change. The episode might not
   have been "classic", but it was very high in my book, and especially
   considering some of the more recent eps, this one was WELL worth the
   viewing.  Let's hope this quality continues.  (A-)

Thijs Roes:  Barney who stops drinking, we've seen that before haven't we?
   But still pretty ok.  really liked the references to other episodes, like
   the box of Mr. Sparkle, the Mr. Plow Jacket and more.  Not a ground-shaking
   plot, but acceptable.  The break-up of Homer and Barney's "relationship"
   was hilarious, so was the great part on that bridge, when Homer gulped down
   those 6 cans of Duff.  All 'n all a nice one.  (C+)

Todd Willis:  It's great to finally see an episode with a logical story.  This
   episode had a nice, believable storyline and a nice Bart and Lisa sub-plot.
   It was a good experience to see an episode that revolved around Barney for
   the first time.  I liked the many good alcoholic jokes in this episode and
   the entire beginning sequence was nice.  It's good to see an episode where
   the story works nicely. The Simpsons writers need to continue writing
   episodes of this quality.  (A)

Fox Wolf:  I really, really, really liked this one.  More than "Faith Off" and
   "The Joy of Sect", which are now 3 and 4 on my favorites list, thanks to
   this one bumping them down.  No "Last Exit to Springfield", by far, but the
   best I've seen in a long time.  There was an above par climax, and at least
   they didn't blow it this time (e.g. "Missionary: Impossible"), and they did
   it with minimal wackiness, and minimal low brow jokes (The only real low
   brow jokes was Homer's "Spring Cleaning") The Bart and Lisa subplot was a
   very good one, and some good laughs at the decided phone book photo.  This
   episode wouldn't have existed with that gem of a subplot.  This episode is
   a diamond in a set of logs, that's all I have to say.  (A+)

Yours Truly:  You'd expect a show by the immortal Dan C. to focus on Homer,
   and you'd be wrong.  This on puts the spotlight on Barney's effort to get
   on the wagon; a shrewd strategy, since he isn't as well-explored as Homer.
   Given the serious nature of the subject material, the story of Barney's
   path to sobriety is kept light and amusing, and mixes "realistic" and
   "off-the-wall" elements quite well.  Bart and Lisa's photo contest subplot
   is funny, and enjoyably intersects with the main plot.  As a writer, Dan
   Castellaneta (along with wife Deb Lacusta) has an impressive debut.  I
   hesitate to say Dan Castellaneta should quit his day job, but only because
   then there'd be nobody left to give voice to Homer Simpson.  (A)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B (3.15)   Std Dev.: 0.9619   (22 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Homer Simpson, man of letters

Joe Klemm why this episode was a writing milestone for the show:  This is the
   first Simpsons episode to have a writing credit for Dan Castellaneta, the
   voice of many different characters on the show, including Homer and Barney.
   The only other Simpsons-related thing he did writing for was for the Itchy
   and Scratchy Comics story The Itchy And Scratchy Movie II.

   [At least Castellaneta had a typewriter with a working "e" key! -- Ed.]


>> And you thought it was just background music

The writing staff wasn't the only unusual thing about this show.  Fox Wolf
   paid close attention to the soundtrack, and came up with this:  Everyone
   knows the traditional music for The Simpsons, but for some reason they
   rarely played that in this episode.  They showed it mainly in the second
   act, and once in the third.  However they played the traditional music only
   about three times.  One would guess the new music would be "Barney's
   Theme", although Matt Groening said he didn't want themes for characters,
   it just ended up that way.  Here's a list of times the songs were played --

   Traditional -

   - The beginning

   - The beginning of the third act

   - Before the winning picture is revealed

   New -

   - The beginning of the second act

   - Right after the beginning of the second act

   - Barney attends the A.A meeting

   - Barney at the Helicopter place

   - Barney flying quickly toward burning mountain (before the bridge, in
   minor key)

   - Barney and Homer in the park


>> My Little Blankie

Benjamin Robinson writes:  "My Little Pony" was a series of little horsie
   dolls available in a variety of pastel colors.  I think some of them were
   even fruit-scented.  Not only are these way babyish for Milhouse, but they
   were marketed to little girls, to boot.


>> Worst crossover ever!

"Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo":  Since her introduction in the early 80's, She
   Hulk has been one of Marvel Comics most wildly unpopular characters.  A
   sexy, female version of the Incredible Hulk (one of Marvel's flagship
   characters) she has been repeatedly given her own series despite generating
   almost no reader interest.  Marvel has even tried putting her into various
   super teams like the Avengers and the Fantastic Four, all to no avail.  She
   is destined to join the ranks of the Sleepwalker and SuperPro as the
   characters that never really caught on.  As such, her "cross over" with
   Leon Spinks was a great candidate for a worthless comic that CBG just
   couldn't get rid of.


Speaking of She-Hulk, Michael Morbius observes:  The "She-Hulk" comic had  ...

   * Correct "She-Hulk" logo.

   * Wrong hair and nightshirt colour.

   * She-Hulk is too big compared to Leon Spinks.

   * That was the Seventies She-Hulk--when she was "The Savage She-Hulk."

   * The comic company logo was not the Marvel logo.

   * She-Hulk is in the correct pose.


Benjamin Robinson mentions the other side of the crossover:  Leon Spinks was a
   heavyweight prizefighter.  His main claim to fame was defeating the
   legendary Muhammad Ali.  Although Ali was in the twilight of his career at
   the time, his loss shocked boxing fans.  There were even allegations that
   Spinks' entourage drugged Ali before the fight.


>> He's a god, not a grammar teacher.

Curtis Gibby:  Many of you might argue that it is a perfectly cromulent word,
   but "irregardless" is considered a non-standard word by grammar gurus.  The
   word is formed by adding a negative prefix "ir-" to the already negative
   "regardless," making it, as Roy Copperud describes it, a "one-word
   redundancy."  "Irregardless" came into the language in the early 20th
   century, according to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary of English Usage, which
   advises careful writers to use "regardless" instead.


>> ... and a planet for the idiots

Joe Green:  Barney's remark that "After we die, there's a planet for the
   French, a planet for the Chinese ..." reminds me of a segment from Michael
   Moore's late, lamented "TV Nation".  During a segment on religious cults
   and their weird doomsday predictions, one of the people they interviewed
   was the leader of a white supremacist "church" who claimed that after
   Armageddon the races would be resettled on separate planets.


>> "He was my best customer!"

Dan Cornelius wondered:  This will be laughably easy for you OFF professionals
   out there, but what exactly is Barney's occupation that he can almost
   single-handedly keep Moe in business, for years?


"The Central Scrutinizer":  Selling advertising while dressed up as a baby.

   Driving a plow.

   Being an astronaut.


"Lord Jubjub":  Subject of scientific experiments.


"Toonces":  Lets not forget Sucking quarters out of the Love Tester Machine.


In a related vein, Ben Mann mentions:  "Drinking" cups of them at MB's casino.


James Allen:  Award winning filmmaker.  ("Pukahontas" must've made a fortune
   overseas.)


Miguel Garcia:  Pretending to be Krusty the Klown at Kamp Krusty.


Troy J. Matthews:  I think he worked at Barney's Bowl-a-roma until he got
   fired.


Martin Evans:  Barney could be living off the royalties from his days as a
   singer with the B-Sharp.


Alison [no last name, just "Alison" -- Ed.]:  He worked at Bart Chat (when
   Bart was the "I didn't do it" boy).


William Scheckel:  Or, barring any royalties, maybe he just put his money
   aside back when the band was still together in order to ensure a life of
   beer guzzling.


"Internet King":  I thought he was a sperm donor, hence all the belching
   babies.


"Dopester" asks another relevant question:  When was last time we actually saw
   Barney *pay* for a drink?  ;)


Gabe Farkas:  Doesn't he just run up a bar tab, right?  Remember "22 Short
   Films ..." where he offers to pay it off?  I assume that Moe just started
   another tab ...


Bill McNeal:  Perhaps Duff paid off the tab when he won the lifetime supply as
   a prize for best picture at the Springfield Film Festival.


>> Car Watch at the airport

Joe Green:  DYN the blue Geo Metro and red VW Beetle in the background when
   Barney goes to his helicopter lesson?


Benjamin Robinson adds:  There are some "real" cars in the lot as Barney walks
   up to the flight school.  They are ...

   Yellow-green early Camaro (c. 1967-69).  The outer grille shape is correct,
   but this one had a split center upright that I don't remember being on the
   original.

   There's something there that resembles an early-90s full-size Dodge pickup,
   but the grille texture is different.


>> They're dogs ... and they're *playing poker!*

Seth Miller:  The guy who did those horrible dogs playing poker paintings name
   was C M Coolidge and he did them 'bout a hundred years ago.  The most well
   known one is called "A Friend In Need" (one dog is slipping another dog an
   Ace.)


>> That's why they call them, "Wow!"

Jeff Cross:  A while back the food industry came out with Olean, a low-fat
   substitute for the oil used to cook potato chips in.  The problem was that
   the stuff caused diarrhea.  The prescription fat-blocker Zaltrex does the
   same thing.  At least it's nice to see that Homer's doing something about
   his weight.


Don Del Grande points out what he thinks is a goof:  When Homer asks for
   potato chips that cause diarrhea, Apu comes out with bags of "ordinary"
   Ruffles, but "Ruffles Wow!" are the ones that cause diarrhea if you eat too
   many of them (because of the Olean fat substitute).


Richard Dub disagrees:  Uh ... that's not a goof, that's a joke!  You expect
   Apu to bring out Olean chips, but nope, it's just Ruffles that cause
   diarrhea, geddit nudge nudge? The writers wouldn't have written 'Ruffles'
   in such big letters if they didn't mean for it to be noticed.


>> Only who can prevent forest fires?

Joe Klemm:  The bear trying to escape the fire spoofs the story of Smokey the
   Bear. According to the story, during a forest fire, a young bear cub tried
   to escape the fire by climbing up one of the trees.  Sometime later, he was
   found by forest rangers and given the name Smokey.  He eventually became
   the spokes-creature for forest fire prevention and has appeared in
   countless ads, and a TV special and TV show, both produced by Rankin-Bass.


Speaking of forest fire prevention, Jerry P. notes:  Twice Bart uses a flash
   when taking a picture that doesn't need one.  If he had just turned off the
   flash, there wouldn't have been a fire.


>> I know!  We'll split it in two!

Two kids.  One bike.  Don Del Grande does the math and wonders who will get
   the prize:  Answer: Bart -- it's a "boys bike" (i.e. Lisa's dress would get
   caught on the frame's upper bar))&&


Benjamin Robinson:  Do they still make this distinction?  I thought bikes --
   especially the rad mountain bikes -- went "unisex" some time ago.


Andrew Krupowicz:  Some bikes still do make the distinction, actually.  It's
   kinda rare with mountain bikes, but a lot of people buy basic "touring"
   bikes with more conventional male/female frames ...


>> Coffee with that extra kick

Dan Tropea observes:  It was nice seeing him drink latte unless of course Moe
   spiked it.


Chris Palm responds:  I'm still debating whether it was spiked or not ... on
   the one hand, it was sold to him by Moe, who would probably do anything to
   get his old Barney back.  On the other hand, Moe could simply have figured
   out he could make plenty of cash by getting Barney hooked on lattes.

   I'm going to go with it not being spiked, as Homer had to spike his
   himself.


Andy Gavin adds:  Coffee *is* addictive.  Daily coffee drinkers who suddenly
   stop often get very bad headaches as a withdrawal symptom.  I'd rather see
   Barney addicted to coffee than to alcohol, though.


Eric Endres:  People in the recovery community tend to drink a lot of coffee,
   so it could have played up that a bit, and moreso, it was a good joke on
   the whole craze for the latte grande etc. type of coffees now, and the fact
   that it's also addictive in its own way (caffeine) ...


David Gaudine dissents:  I think the coffee was spiked because: He burped
   instead of the usual too-much-caffeine behavior [and]  If it was real
   unspiked coffee, why show that Moe was the seller?  Barney could discover
   coffee on his own, he wouldn't need Moe to "help".


Bill McNeal:  Barney pays Moe's bills.  Moe is going to exploit (yes, a
   buzzword, but it's the best I could do) Barney any way he can. Presumably
   Barney will get addicted to anything, and Moe just wants to be there ...
   *for* him.


>> What of Barney now?

Eric Endres wonders:  So, after last night's episode [...] I had to wonder if
   they are going to continue Barney's sobriety in the upcoming episodes and
   season(s?).  Something tells me not, but I think it could be interesting to
   keep his character true to the events of last night's episode.  To some
   extent, that has happened with other events in the show (the Van Houten's
   divorce, Skinner/Crabapple, etc.).  Some might think that it just wouldn't
   be the same or as funny with Barney sober, but I think there's quite a lot
   of humor to be explored in that vein, and of course, it may take a relapse
   or two (or twenty) before he really stays sober for good (or goes back to
   drinking for good) ...


Bill McNeal:  Maybe.  But he'll be back to normal the next time we see him,
   which, granted, won't be for a few more episodes, but he'll be the same old
   Barney forever.


Lisa Simpson (via Michael Nusair):  Don't worry, Bart.  It seems like every
   week something odd happens to the Simpsons.  My advice is to ride it out,
   make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to
   where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.

   [Or maybe not.  As of the date on this capsule, we have not seen Barney in
   his alcoholic mode -- Ed.]


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Steve C. alterna-title for this show is:  Final Tap


Mike Smith suggests:  Homer The Screenwriter


Jerry P.:  It looks to me like computer animation was used for some of the
   helicopter scenes: the helicopter spinning around when Homer fell out and
   when the helicopter leaves with Homer carrying Bart and Lisa.  [Can anyone
   verify or debunk?]


Benjamin Robinson:  Overseas viewers might be interested to know that AAA is
   the American Automobile Association.  One of their services, which Homer
   requests, is trip-planning assistance.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Homer and Bart celebrate what the French call "la Nouie de
% Poubelle," the Germans call, "Krappenfest," and what everyone else
% refers to as, "garbage night."  The pair go dumpster-diving on
% Springfield's darkened streets, recovering such lost treasures as a
% used pacifier for Maggie.  She'll be so thrilled!
%
% Our intrepid heroes aren't the only ones having a productive night.

Cletus:		[holding up some tubes he picked out of a Dumpster] 
		Looky here!  Cardy-board tubes!
Brandine:	Now we can have indoor plumbing -- just like they's 
		got at the women's lockup.
Cletus:		They spoiled you, Brandine.  Sometimes I don't even 
		know who you are anymore.
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Bart digs through the Van Houtens' trash, and finds Milhouse's "My
% Little Pony" blankie.  Homer and Bart figure they can earn cash by
% ransoming it back, piece by piece, to Milhouse.
%
% Comic Book Guy dumps a stack of unwanted comics.

It seems I will never sell these "She Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics.  
Worst crossover ever!
-- Comic Book Guy, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% As soon as he leaves, a pack of feral nerd-boys descends on the
% trash can.  Comic Book Guy drives them off, saying, "Shoo, nerds! 
% Shoo!"
%
% Meanwhile, Homer shows off a muscle shirt he found.  His triumph is
% not diminished when Bart points out that it's really a sports bra. 
% Bart finds some discarded hair from the barber shop, which Homer
% briefly uses as a prop for his impression of a stereotypical
% Italian.  He stops when he spies a far more important find at a
% closed Hawaiian restaurant -- a giant wooden Tiki carving.
%
% The next morning, Marge walks through the kitchen, remarking to
% herself that the air seems much more wavy than normal.  Sniffing,
% she figures out the source of the optical distortion:  a gas leak. 
% It's probably coming from the makeshift hose line running from
% behind the stove, out the window, across the back yard, and to
% Homer's Tiki idol.  The gas fuels a lighter in the idol's mouth. 
% Homer stand's behind the Tiki, trying to impress Bart and Lisa, who
% stand in front of it.

Homer:	Behold, I am King Talky Tiki.  [a jet of flame erupts from 
	the idol's mouth]
Bart +
  Lisa:	Aaah!
Homer:	Hey, Flanders!  Can your god do that?
Ned:	[looking over the hedge] Actually, Homer, you and I 
	worship the same god, so --
Homer:	Irregardless, I am your god now.  [another jet of flame 
singes the hedge]
	Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee!
Marge:	Homer, you can't just re-route the gas line.  Do you know 
	how dangerous that is?
Homer:	Do anger Talky Tiki!  I am all-power -- [the idol tips 
	over, catching the lawn on fire] Aaah!  I'll be at Moe's.
	[runs out of the yard, jumping over the hedge]
-- This is why you shouldn't worship false idols, "Days of Wine and
   D'oh'ses"

% At Moe's, Lenny finishes up an amusing anecdote.

Lenny:	So I says to the cop, "No, *you're* driving under the 
	influence -- of being a jerk!"  [everyone but Barney 
	laughs]
Barney:	[sighs]
Moe:	Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face?  You glum or 
	something?  Eh, glummy?
Barney:	You know, it was my birthday last week, and no one 
	remembered.
Carl:	What are you, nuts?
Homer:	I threw you a party at my house.
Barney:	You lie!  Why would I not remember my own [gulps down a 
	beer] birthday?  [burps]
-- Why, indeed?  "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Moe protests that the guys did hold a party for Barney.  As
% evidence, he produces a videotape of ... the fe-mail carrier
% delivering his mail, with salacious narration by Moe.  Oops -- wrong
% tape.  Moe quickly switches it for the one recorded at Barney's
% party.

Bart:	[offscreen] Okay, Mom, we're rolling.
Marge:	I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion.  
	[reads] Now that you're one year older, the time flew by 
	so fast...
	[the camera pans down to Santa's Little Helper, who's 
	licking himself] Ba-a-rt!
Bart:	[laughs]
Marge:	Gimmie that!  [grabs the camera by the lens, so all we see 
	is her hand]
	[cut to Barney, inebriated, sitting on the sofa and 
	talking to Lisa]
Barney:	I'm just saying that when we die there's going to be a 
	planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll 
	all be a lot happier.
Lisa:	Mr. Gumble, you're upsetting me.
Barney:	No, I'm not.
-- Life of the party, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Barney is horrified to see himself on tape.

Barney:	Jeez, is that what I look like when I'm drunk?
Homer:	You wish.  That's the stage we call, "Professor Barney" -- 
	talkative, coherent, even insightful.  Here's drunk!  
	[presses a button on the VCR remote]
	[Barney, wearing Marge's dress and a blue wig, stands 
	woozily at the top of the stairs]
Barney:	[falsetto] Well, I'm off to market!  [burps]
Homer:	Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours -- Oh, it's 
	just Barney.
	[Barney leans on the banister, which breaks.  He crashes 
	on the floor, spilling his beer]
Barney:	Precious alcohol -- soaking into shag!  [tries to lick the 
	booze out of the carpet.  When Santa's Little Helper 
	approaches, he growls, frightening the dog]
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% By now, Barney is mortified by his behavior.  He also notices --
% just now -- the police cruiser door handcuffed to his wrist.  Carl
% tells Barney that he's had it on for so long it's hard to imagine
% him without it.  He shakes it off, but his dismay stays with him.

Barney:	Oh, I'm a disgrace!
Homer:	Disgracefully hilarious!  You passed out before we could 
	even give you your presents.
Carl:	I still got mine!  Barney, I got you what no drunk can do 
	without:  Morning after stationary.
	[gives Barney the stationery.  Everyone but Barney laughs]
Moe:	And I got you helicopter flying lessons.  [puts a coupon 
	on the bar] Can you imagine this booze bag at the wheel of 
	a whirly bird?  [stretches out his arms and mimics 
	"flying" around the bar] He'd be all, "Look at me!  I'm a 
	tanked-up loser in a helicopter!"
	[all laugh but Barney]
	Ahhh, anyway, happy b-day, pumpkin.
Barney:	So, I'm a tanked-up loser?  Is that how you see me?
Moe:	Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up. 
	[starts pouring a mug]
	[Barney abruptly gets up]
	Hey, hey, where you goin'?
Barney:	I'll show you!  I'm going to take these helicopter 
	lessons.
Homer:	Wait a minute, Barney.  You've got to be sober to fly.  I 
	mean, it's not like driving a car.
Barney:	Then I'm going to quit drinking.  [the guys laugh] No, I 
	mean it!  [the guys laugh harder] You won't see me here 
	again -- ever!  [they guys laugh still harder as Barney 
	storms out the door]
Moe:	[regaining his composure] Wait -- that ain't funny.  He's 
	my best customer.  Well, the handwriting's on the wall.  
	To stay afloat, this bar's going to have to go queer.
Gay
 Man:	You mean it's not?  Ugh.  Wrong again, "Gay Guide to 
	Springfield."  [tosses book over shoulder]
-- Wait, it's right, now, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  5:24]
%
% Barney bids adieu to this long-necked friends.  It's a good start,
% but the former barfly has a tough road ahead, especially since he
% lives right above Moe's Tavern.  And that he has only to slide down
% a firepole to get to the bar.  And that Moe has set up a Santeria
% shrine to lure Barney back.  Barney begs Homer to help get him off
% the sauce, and Homer enthusiastically agrees -- just as soon as he
% finishes his beer.
%
% Suitably refreshed, Homer takes Barney to an AA meeting.

Barney:	My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
Clerk:	I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want AA -- this is 
	Triple A.
Homer:	Oh.  My name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to St. 
	Louis.
Clerk:	East St. Louis?
Homer:	Is there any other St. Louis?
-- Possibly, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Homer finds the right meeting place, at the First Church of
% Springfield.  He escorts Barney into the room, where there is a
% group of about ten or so people.

Kirk:		Ah, welcome back, Homer.  I see you've finally hit 
		rock bottom.
Homer:		Pffft.  Not a chance!  I can sink way lower.  I just 
		came to help my friend Barney.
Lindsey:	We all know why we're here, don't we?  To keep 
		ourselves sober ... and to network.  So let's get 
		started.
Gil:		Well, after I lost my third job in two days, old Gil 
		was in a pit of despair.
Lindsey:	And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic?
Gil:		Oh, no, I never touch the stuff.  But you don't have 
		to be drunk to know the value of Amway.  [the AA 
		members gasp, and Gil holds up a small jar]  Now, 
		this is used crankcase oil, [spills it on the floor] 
		which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you 
		know.  And company's coming -- [two men pick up Gil 
		and carry him out the door] Aw, you're doing this at 
		the worst possible time.  [offscreen] Ow, you're 
		finger's in my eye!
-- Speaking of worst possible time, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Barney introduces himself to the group as an alcoholic.  Lindsey
% promises the group's help, and all the sugar cookies Barney can
% handle.  Homer asks where the cookies are, and Lindsey points to the
% table.  Homer complains they're too far away, taking twelve steps to
% reach.  Get it?
%
% Before he knows it, Homer is lying in the grass outside the church,
% wondering how he got there.
%
% Back home, Bart and Lisa are watching a "Teletubbies"-like show.  A
% commercial comes on.

Announcer:	The Springfield Phone Book needs a new cover!
Bart +
  Lisa:		It does?
Announcer:	Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you 
		win a fabulous mystery prize.
		[we see the prize, which is obviously a bike, 
		wrapped in paper on a podium.  A child actor gets on 
		the prize and, with it still wrapped, rides off with 
		it]
		To enter, send your film to this address.  [address 
		shows for a microsecond]  Too quick?  Try again!  
		[address flashes again]  Did you get it?  Here it 
		is!  [flashes three times] Coming in from the left!  
		[zooms by from left] Don't delay, do it today!  
		[flashes quickly three more times]
Bart:		Do you think we should enter?
Lisa:		Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old 
		photo.  [holds up the phone book, which has a photo 
		of Mr. Burns, grinning]
Bart:		Ew.
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Bart and Lisa rummage through a closet containing memorabilia from
% the past ten years of episodes.  They finally find an old camera
% that looks like a relic from the 50's (look-down viewfinder, flash
% that uses bulbs, et cetera).  It even has some film in it.  As a
% bonus, it's so tough, that Bart can bounce it around, like a
% basketball.
%
% Barney screws up his courage and approaches the helicopter school
% pilot, who is talking shop with Arnie Pie.  The pilot warns Barney
% that it takes a special kind of man to fly a helicopter. 
% Specifically, it takes the kind of man who has a coupon for
% helicopter flying lessons.
%
% Barney's introduction to helicopter flight commences.

Pilot:	Elvis played a chopper pilot one time.  [laughs] He made 
	so many darn mistakes, we were just laughing at him.
Barney:	Great singer, though.
Pilot:	Oh, absolutely.  You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo 
	Sayer.  Anyway, we're nice and level now.  How would you 
	like to take the controls?
Barney:	You think I'm ready?
Pilot:	Sure, I do.  One sec -- [leans toward a microphone] 
	Testing!  Black box!  One, two.  [screams twice]
	[turns to Barney] She's all yours, friend.
Barney:	[nervously grabs the control stick.  The chopper wobbles 
	around, then appears to stabilize]
	Hey, I think I'm gettin' it.
Pilot:	Yes, that's great.  [reassuringly] Now let's just pull 
	ourselves out of this tailspin here.
	[camera pulls back to reveal the helicopter plunging 
	straight toward the ground]
Barney:	[as the helicopter regains control] Oh-h-h, ooh.  Oh, I'm 
	sorry about that.
Pilot:	That's okay; that's what the diapers are for.
-- Same principle as barf bags, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% The helicopter flies over the Springfield town square, where Lisa
% stands on a ladder and trains her camera on a bird's nest.

Lisa:		Now, when the momma bird returns to feed her babies, 
		we'll have a prize-winning picture.
Bart:		Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby 
		bird; they want to see celebrities at their worst.
		[just then, Rainier Wolfcastle, looking rather 
		flabby, walks out of the Kwik-E-Mart with a chili 
		dog]
Lisa:		Is that Rainier Wolfcastle?
Bart:		Check out the gut.
Wolfcastle:	It's for a movie.  I'm playing a fat secret agent.
-- Method acting, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Homer stops by Moe's to wet his whistle.  As he's sitting down, Moe
% encourages him to take the stool next to the tap.  This used to be
% Barney's seat, and Homer suspects he's about to be made the bar's
% new "world-class drunk."  He refuses, but Moe orders him to dance. 
% Homer reluctantly does so.
%
% Later, Homer tells Marge what happened.

Marge:	You danced for hours just because they told you to?
Homer:	If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.
-- Well, thank heavens that didn't happen, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Their conversation is cut off when Barney pilots his chopper just
% outside the Simpsons' bedroom window.  As their bedroom furniture is
% being blown across the room, Barney asks Homer if he'd like to go
% for a ride.  Marge persuades him to go, if only so Barney will get
% the whirlybird away from the house.
%
% As Barney demonstrates his newfound skills, Homer catches him up
% with the news.

Homer:	So, you missed some big changes at Moe's.  He hangs 
	newspapers over the urinals now.  You can read the sports 
	page while you pee!  Very la-dee-da.
Barney:	I've made some big changes, too.  Can you believe I'm 
	flying this helicopter?
Pilot:	Power lines!  Power lines!
Barney:	Whoops, sorry.  [pulls up to narrowly miss the power 
	lines, and then resumes normal flight]
	When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's ...
Homer:	Wasted?  What about our staring contests?  And the way we 
	always knew what football coaches should have done?  
	Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his 
	clicker?
Barney:	Those are all priceless memories, Homer, but I don't want 
	to do that stuff anymore.
Homer:	Oh, so you're better than me, is that it?
Barney:	I didn't say that.
Homer:	Take me home.
Barney:	Oh, don't be that way, Homer.
Homer:	I'll scream!
Barney:	Okay, okay.
	[Barney sets the helicopter down on the Simpsons' front 
	lawn.  Homer jumps out and runs into the house]
Marge:	So how was your ride with Barney.
Homer:	I don't want to talk about it!  [starts to cry and runs 
	upstairs.  The bedroom door slams, and Marge shrugs, 
	mystified]
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 12:34]
%
% Homer is still angry with the sober new Barney.

Homer:	[punching his pillow] Stupid Barney!  Thinks he's too good 
	for me.
Marge:	Cheer up, Homey.  You don't need friends to be happy.  I 
	haven't had a friend in years.
Homer:	But you've got me.  Who have I got?
Marge:	[sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl.
Homer:	Aw, Lenny and Carl suck!  [pleadingly] Please don't tell 
	Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as 
	friends ...
Marge:	Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to 
	work it out.  Old friends stick together, like O. J. and 
	A. C.  Or the Falcon and the Snowman.
Homer:	Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
-- I have a few suggestions, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Lisa and Bart continue their quest to place their photograph on
% Springfield's phone listings.  Still going with an animal theme,
% they have decided to recreate one of the (in)famous "dogs playing
% poker" pictures.  When they get everything just so, Nelson pops up
% to take the picture through the kitchen window and claim the idea as
% his own.

Lisa:	Oh, we'll never get a good picture.
Bart:	Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
Lisa:	That picture's a cliché.
Bart:	Picture?
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Homer makes a beer run to the Kwik-E-Mart.  While Apu is in the back
% getting Homer's Olestra-laden potato chips, he bumps into Barney. 
% The two have a rapid-fire, yet awkward, exchange of pleasantries. 
% Homer is so desperate to escape with his dignity that he runs out of
% the store without paying for his beer.
%
% High atop the city, Bart and Lisa admire the panoramic view of the
% Squidport, the monorail, and something we didn't see in a previous
% episode -- the Play-Doh (not Play-D'oh!) factory.  The building
% looks just like a life-size version of the children's toy that
% extrudes ribbons of Play-Doh in the shape of stars, and crescent
% moons.
%
% Bart takes a picture, and then ejects the flashbulb so it bounces
% off Lisa.  She reminds Bart the bulbs are rather hot, and grabs the
% camera from him.  The two go search for their next photo-op. 
% Meanwhile, the discarded bulb smolders in the dry grass ....
%
% Homer affirms his friendship for Lenny and Carl at Moe's Tavern.

Homer:	Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and 
	focus on how you suck.  [Lenny and Carl look surprised]  
	But not me -- to me, you're true blue.
Carl:	Aw, thanks, big guy.
Lenny:	Now dance, rummy.
Homer:	Okay.  [dances, while the other two throw peanuts at him]
	[Barney walks in]
Barney:	Hiya, Moe.
Homer:	Well, if it isn't Little Miss "I'm Not Wasting My Life 
	Anymore" -- which he is!
Barney:	Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful 
	behavior over the last twenty years.
Moe:	No, that's okay, Barn.
Barney:	No it's not okay.  I broke barstools, befouled your broom 
	closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I 
	then befouled.
Moe:	Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Just then, Kent Brockman appears on TV deliver a breaking news story
% -- a huge fire on Mount Springfield has trapped two youngsters. 
% Live footage reveals the trapped pair to be none other than Bart and
% Lisa.

Brockman:	Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight 
		the blaze as they're all being used to film the new 
		Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap."  I 
		caught up with Burt on the set.
		[cut to Kent and Burt on the set, sitting in 
		directors' chairs]
		So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and 
		Mudflap."
Reynolds:	I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme 
		Court justice searching for his birth mother while 
		competing in a cross-country fire truck race.  It's 
		... garbage.
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Homer tells Barney that it's up to him to rescue the kids.  Barney,
% who hasn't even flown solo yet, doesn't think he's up to the task.

Barney, [picks up phone] the call is from heroism.  Will you accept 
the charges?
-- Homer Simpson, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% After a few tense moments of soul-searching, Barney and Homer race
% towards the mountain in a helicopter.  Well, maybe not right towards
% the mountain -- Barney hasn't learned right turns yet.  Soon they
% have a more immediate problem, as Barney is heading straight towards
% a bridge.  Barney manages to avoid smacking into the bridge towers,
% and sets the chopper down hard on the roadway.

Barney:	I can't do this.  My nerves are shot.
	[a beer truck brakes hard to avoid hitting the helicopter.  
	A six-pack tumbles out of the truck and lands next to the 
	helicopter's landing skids]
	Beer!  That's what I need!  [picks up the six-pack]
Homer:	Barney!  No!  Don't!
Barney:	Yes!  I need it.  [opens a can and starts to drink]
Homer:	No!  You've got to be sober for this.  Gimmie that.  
	[grabs can and drinks] Ew, it's warm.  [finishes can]
Barney:	You can't drink 'em all!
Homer:	Oh, yes I can.
	[The two struggle over  the five remaining cans.  Homer 
	wins the tussle, opens the cans, and tries to drink from 
	all of them at once.  Most of the beer runs down his 
	shirt, but he still manages to get quite a bit in his 
	mouth]
	I won't let you give up now, when you worked so hard to 
	[suddenly drunk] be the greatest pal in the world.  I love 
	you.  Let's not lose touch after graduation.  [passes out]
Barney:	You brave man.  You took six silver bullets for me.
Homer:	[wakes up] Stay away from my wife.  [takes a swing (and a 
	miss) at Barney, then passes out again, hitting the 
	windscreen]
Barney:	Looks like it's up to me.
-- Barney's defining moment of heroism, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Newly confident, Barney takes off and heads toward the fire.
%
% The flames close in on Bart and Lisa, who take refuge in a tall pine
% tree.

We should be safe up here.  I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
-- Bart Simpson, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% A beer can falls from the sky.  Barney and Homer have arrived!  They
% let down a rope ladder.  Before the kids can climb it, a bear
% shoulders them aside.  He climbs the ladder himself, but before he
% can get into the helicopter, Homer cuts the rope.  The bear lands
% with a thump and then runs off into the woods.
%
% Lisa and Bart yell for help.  Homer, still pretty drunk, tries to
% walk out of the helicopter to reach them.  His foot hooks onto the
% landing skid, and his weight causes the helicopter to do a barrel
% roll.  Barney admonishes Homer to warn him before doing that again.
%
% With Homer hanging on to the skid with his feet, Barney maneuvers
% the helicopter closer to the kids.  They grab Homer's hands, and he
% carries them to safety just before the fire consumes the tree.

Bart:	You did it, Dad!
Homer:	You can't prove I did it.
Lisa:	No, you saved our lives.
Homer:	I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
Lisa:	What?
-- Like buy more beer, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Bart looks back at the fire and figures this is the money shot for
% the phone book.
%
% Some time later, the new phone books arrive at the Simpson
% household.

Marge:	Kids!  The new phone books are here, and your picture's on 
	the cover!
Lisa:	[simultaneous with Bart] All right!
Bart:	[simultaneous with Lisa] Whoa, cool, lemme see!
	[they -- and we -- see a picture of Bart and Lisa, as 
	toddlers, sitting on the edge of a toilet.  Bart and Lisa 
	scream in embarrassment]
Marge:	Isn't that adorable?  I guess some baby pictures were on 
	that old roll of film.
Bart:	Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.
Lisa:	Well, at least we won the bike.
Marge:	Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the 
	orphanage.
Bart:	What?
Lisa:	How could you?
Marge:	Just kidding; I would never do that.  [brings the bike out 
	from behind a doorway.  Bart and Lisa gasp in happy 
	surprise, and run up to hug Marge]
-- "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Homer and Barney have made amends.  The two friends sit together on
% a bench in the park.  Each of them has a cup in their hand.

Barney:	Well, I'm glad we're friends again.
Homer:	Yeah.  So what do you call this stuff?
Barney:	A double tall mocha latte.
Homer:	[takes a swig] It's not bad.  [secretly pulls a flask from 
	his jacket, and pours some liquor into the cup]
Barney:	Well, it ain't beer, but at least I got that monkey off my 
	back.  [guzzles a four-pack of coffee like it was Coors, 
	then burps.]
-- Or did you?  "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% We cut to a shot of the scene as seen through binoculars, then to a
% shot of Moe standing by a cappuccino machine.

Heh, heh, nobody gets away from Moe.  Nobody.
-- Moe Szyslak, "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"

% Steam from the machine obscures the view.  Moe laughs evilly, then
% coughs.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  20:14]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{al}  Andrew Levine
{awl} Adam W. Long
{bg}  Bruce Gomes
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{bmn} Bill McNeal
{cg}  Curtis Gibby
{cl}  Chad Lehman
{db}  Dave Boal
{dc}  Dan Cornelius
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{ds}  Dave Sibley
{fw}  Fox Wolf
{ja}  James Allen
{jg2} Joe Green
{jj}  Jimmy Jay
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jp}  Jerry P.
{mm}  Michael Morbius
{mn}  Michael Nusair
{ms}  Mike Smith
{nd}  Nathan DeHoff
{tm}  Troy J. Matthews
{tpl} T P. Laing
{wb}  Wilson Banswell

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  This
capsule has been brought to you by Duff Breweries and Springfield AA.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.