Pygmoelian                                              Written by Larry Doyle
                                                     Directed by Mark Kirkland
==============================================================================
Production code: BABF12                   Original Airdate on FOX: 27-Feb-2000
Capsule revision A (23-Nov-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   [From milpool.com] Moe wins Duff's "beer-tending" contest but loses out on
   making their calendar.  So he undergoes plastic surgery and lands a soap-
   opera role that he missed years before.  {jp2}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     DODGEBALL STOPS AT / THE GYM DOOR

Couch:          The Simpsons take their places on the couch.  Matt Groening's
                signature is on the lower right-hand corner of the screen.
                Marge wipes up the errant marking with a rag.  As soon as she
                does so, Matt Groening runs back onto the set and re-signs the
                scene.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... "Dr. Tad's" eye-patch shade?  [Probably too noticeable for a DYN, but
       let's include it for the record -- Ed.]
   ... if you listen carefully, it sounds like the technical director is
       saying, "What the fudge?"
   ... Duff Man's real first name is Larry?

Nathan DeHoff:
   ... Moe's acting career apparently didn't end with his murder of the
       original Alfalfa?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Lisa picked her "attendance" trophy over her music ones?
   ... Homer's car now has a cassette player (instead of the 8-track)?
   ... Homer's cassette player requires him to enter the cassette lengthwise
       (and tape-side first)?  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]
   ... Homer must have given Lisa back her car door handle before they arrived
       (otherwise how did she open the car door so soon?), yet she waited
       until they parked before escaping?
   ... nobody cheered for Moe when he was introduced, but Homer and the others
       cheered for him later?
   ... either it's summer vacation, or the soap opera is on at a time when
       Bart and Lisa are home?
   ... Moe signed for the book left-handed?  (He could have been doing it to
       disguise his signature)

Curtis Gibby:
   ... this is the second time this month that they've bashed Dartmouth's
       drinking?
   ... January 1 is a Saturday, which is consistent with this year (2000)?
   ... this is the second week in a row that Homer's been on TV?  (First
       during the PBS pledge enforcement thing in [BABF11], and this week on
       "It Never Ends.")
   ... Marge's cursive is pretty good?

Matt Greenberg:
   ... Marge wants to save a vacuum cleaner?
   ... Maggie didn't have her pacifier in the scene where she played with the
       balloon
   ... this is the second episode in the row that the endings are cut short?

Darrel Jones:
   ... the Irish bartender from Chicago "tosses" Larry the Lush during the
       contest?
   ... Springfield isn't in Rhode Island?
   ... the board roam the balloon floats through is for the Log Cabin
       Republicans?  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]
   ... Luanne Van Houten, Mrs. Krabappel, and Selma can be seen among the
       crowd adulating the "new" Moe?

Joe Klemm:
   ... Apu, Skinner, and Milhouse's dad are designated drivers at Duff Days?

Adam Long:
   ... the band at Duff Days looks really dreary?
   ... this episode had robots that *weren't* destroyed by Homer?
   ... Moe practices a little dance before going on stage?
   ... Kearney is at Duff Days?
   ... for someone who "doesn't talk much", Carl has a lot of dialogue in this
       episode?

Jerry P:
   ... the Duff calendar is for 2000?
   ... two of the three people Moe wants to get revenge on want to apologize?
   ... there wasn't much of an attempt to make Moe look like the previous Dr.
       Tad Winslow?

James Reisdorf:
   ... this is the first time Moe's last name has been pronounced on the
       Simpsons?  (And it's correctly pronounced)
   ... Surly from Duff Gardens is at the festival?
   ... Apu was in the designated drivers "cage"?  (Ironic ... since he offers
       alcohol at the Kwik-E-Mart)
   ... the tipsy-o-whirl is basically one of those astronaut training devices
       without the motor?
   ... Mello Yello's "Oh Yeah" was used AGAIN for a theme?
   ... Moe is a VERY fast tapper, and organized to boot?
   ... Moe's Tavern has been run illegally for over 25 years?
   ... Homer knows who Bill Maher is?
   ... Moe sings "Silver Bells" under anesthesia?
   ... "It Never Ends" features a Soap Opera rarity, someone who actually
       ANNOUNCES the actors?
   ... on the same note, it features another rarity, the show being televised
       live?
   ... Marge is attracted by the new-look Moe?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Snake's "little dude" doesn't mind riding a girls' bike?
   ... Manjula is among Moe's admirers?

Jeremy Vitrano:
   ... OFF's smoke detector sounds more like a car alarm?
   ... Marge leaves the vacuum behind after all?
   ... the man was asking who was the designated driver was talking to Bart
       and Lisa?
   ... Moe listens to the director's conversation with the stethoscope?
   ... Moe was hired without knowing if he could act?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Ben Franklin [?], Michael Finn, Barney, GOP 2,
        Casting Director [?], Actor)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Little Dude)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, Designated driver attendant, Announcer, Duff
        Man, Surgeon, Carl, Moe, Snake, Delivery Boy)
   - Harry Shearer (Surly, Babe Ruth, Phil Angelides, TD, Narrator)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Titania [?], Pumpkin Dance Woman, Contessa)
   - Tress MacNeille (Tipsy-Wheel Woman, Nurse, Anesthetist, "Bye bye, Moe",
        "Don't be a stranger", Producer, Cleo)
   - Karl Wiedergott (GOP 1 [?], GOP 3 [?])

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw (play)
      - episode title a spoof [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]
      - both revolve around someone being made over to appeal to respectable
        society  {bjr}

   + "The Lost Weekend" (movie)  {bjr}
      - this movie (about alcoholism, appropriately enough) referenced in the
        "Duff Days" banner

   + "Cocktail" (movie)  {jg2}
      - the Trick Bartending competition is reminiscent of Tom Cruise's moves

   + tough love (phrase)  {bjr}
      - "Duff love" a spoof

   + delirium tremens (medical disorder)  {bjr}
      - Duff gives away pink elephant balloons -- seeing pink elephants is
        often taken as a sign that you've had too much to drink  [Ed Gein
        adds, "Yes, and the DTs are what happens when a drinker goes without
        alcohol.  If Duff beer wanted to promote delirium tremens, they'd have
        given out black spider balloons" -- Ed.]

   + Pres. Kennedy's "Berlin Wall" speech  {bjr}
      - Duff sticker reading, "Ich Bin Ein Duff" (cf. "Ich Bin Ein Berliner")

   + Mt. Rushmore (national monument)  {bjr}
      - Moe disparagingly refers to his face as, "Mt. Crapmore"

   + "Politically Incorrect" (TV show)  {jg2}
      - "That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight!"  [The
        show airs at 12:05am Eastern Standard Time -- Ed.]

   + "Gilligan's Island" (TV show)  {jg2}
      - "I meant Maryann on Gilligan's Island ugly ..."

   + "Planet of the Apes" (movie)  {jg2}
      - "... not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly!"

   + "Days of Our Lives" (TV soap opera)
      - opening sequence similar to "It Never Ends"
      - announcer's line similar to "Days'":  "Like sands through the
        hourglass, so are the days of our lives ..."
      - soap character wearing an eye patch  {jk}

   - "All My Children" (TV soap opera)
      - Tad Martin, a hunky, woman-getting character on this series [could be
        the inspiration for] Dr. Tad Winslow

   + "The Young and the Restless" (yet another TV soap opera)
      - the faces shown during the opening of "It Never Ends"  {dj}
      - opening music to soap opera similar  {jk}

   + heartworms (canine disease)  {bjr}
      - as Homer implies, Moe's description of the acting bug similar to what
        heartworms do

   - "Hole in my Soul" (song)  {cg}
      - Moe's line during rehearsal is similar to the title and chorus of this
        Aerosmith song

   + "Tootsie" (movie)
      - Moe and Homer trashing the soap opera on live TV reminded me quite a
        bit of a similar scene in Tootsie, where Dustin Hoffman reveals his
        "secret" on live TV  {ep}
      - a staircase in the background is similar  {ep}
      - "Should I cut him off?" line similar to movie  {cg2}

   ~ "Tiny Toon Adventures" (TV series)  {jpr}
      - episode is somewhat similar to a Tiny Toons ep where Babs Bunny leaves
        Acme Acres for a prime-time soap opera, herself getting a new look in
        the process, like Moe does
      - Homer's barging in unscripted on a live show similar to Buster Bunny's
        unscripted arrival to bring Babs back to Acme Acres
      - like Buster, Homer's unscripted arrival features the spilling of
        secret information
      - (All of this MIGHT be a stretch)  [Might?  Oh, well, I thought it was
        an interesting enough coincidence to include -- Ed.]

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Past episodes that have a kid who looks just like his or her parent of the same sex  {cj}
   - [8F05] Itchy & Scratchy
   - [9F10] Krusty's little boy
   - [4F04] Kearney's son

- [MG20] Homer sounds a false disaster alarm  {bjr}
- [8F02] Moe chases someone with a board with a nail at the end  {jg2}
- [8F08] We see Moe's pillow talk  {cg}
- [9F11] Robots of drunken historical figures  {jg2}
- [9F11] Surly, one of the Seven Duffs, seen
- [9F11] Sleazy appears  {jg2}
- [2F11] Bart and Lisa (cf. Principal Skinner) try to catch a balloon after it
         floats away  {jg2}
- [2F12] Moe (cf. Krusty) has plastic surgery  {jg2}
- [2F31] Moe acting  {mg}
- [3F03] Flying pig  {al}
- [3G02] King Toot's Music Store  {jv}
- [4F02] Board with a nail  {jv}
- [4F03] Moe's "acting days" mentioned  {al}
- [4F15] Bart drunk  {al}
- [4F19] Pencils have erasers  {cg}
- [4F19] "That's why pencils have erasers"  {al}
- [4F22] Duffman appears
- [4F22] Homer having to piss.  Again and again ...  {jj}
- [5F01] Homer having to go to the bathroom to pee  {mg}
- [5F04] Homer impersonates a heavenly being  {jg2}
- [5F12] Moe calls himself a gargoyle, and refers to his cauliflower ears
         {cg}
- [5F23] Hoverbikes appear/mentioned
- [AABF04] Moe could use a better butt  {dj}
- [BABF10] Dartmouth College drinking joke  {jv}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Awards on Lisa's trophy shelf, from left to right  {bjr}

    - apple on pedestal
    - student at desk, on cup (for attendance; this is the one Lisa
      saves)
    - book on pedestal
    - big pencil standing on end
    - horse on pedestal
    - diamond on pencil
    - graduate in cap and gown
    - musical note on pedestal
    - big trophy cup

- Banner at festival  {bjr}

                 Duff DAYS
    A LOST WEEKEND FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

- Sign on the designated drivers' cage  {bjr}

    DUFF DESIGNATED DRIVERS'
        ROCKIN' FUN ZONE

- At the animatronic exhibit  {bjr}

       THE
    ALCO-HALL
     OF FAME

- Gyro wheel sign  {bjr}

    THE TIPSY-WHEEL

- Contest sign  {bjr}

    BEER-TENDER CONTEST

- Contest "round cards"  {bjr}

     TRICK    DRUNK
    POURING   TOSS

- Duff stickers  {bjr}

    DRINK   DUFF     VIVA
    Duff    ENUFF   LA DUFF

    KISS               I'MO
     ME    Ich Bin     DUFF
    I'M    Ein Duff   YOU UP!
    DUFF

- Cosmetic surgeon's door sign  {bjr}

      COSMETIC
       SURGERY
        GROUP

     "WE'LL CUT
    YOU UP GOOD!"

- Anesthetic machine  {bjr}

    NEW CAR SMELL / ANESTHETIC
              [dial]

    [The actual label was in a semicircle above the dial.]

- Something to shoot for  {bjr}

    A GAY PRESIDENT IN 2084

- Marge's soap notes  {bjr}

    Sexy Results   [in cursive]
    ------------
    ------------

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
c  When Lisa says, "trophies, trophies," the closed captioning reads,
   "panicked gasping."  {bjr}

=  The family managed to change from their pajamas to their street clothes en
   route to the festival.

*  Once the car stopped, the kids could open the rear doors even without the
   door handles.  {bjr}

*  What happens to the pets in the car?  {jp}

-  Actually, I think the "Fun Zone" used plain barbed wire, rather than razor
   wire.  {bjr}

+  Bart already knows what it's like to get drunk from [4F15].  {cg}

c  When Lenny says, "that's my moo," the CC reads, "that's my Moe."  {bjr}

=  Kirk Van Houten found in audience during the beer tending competition, and
   also in the Rockin' Fun Zone as well.  {af}

*  Lenny reads Moe's liquor license upside-down.  {jv}

c  When Carl says, "lazy bald and fat," the CC reads, "lazy reckless and fat."
   {bjr}

=  While the plastic surgeon is drawing on Moe's face, you can't see the
   marker on his profile at first.  In the next profile shot, it magically
   appears.  {jv}

+  Moe has significantly less armpit hair than he did in [8F08].  {cg}

+  The sign outside the hospital said "Springfield General Hospital", but
   above the entrance it says "Springfield Hospital."  {ddg}

*  How could Duffman talk with the sticker on his face if he couldn't breathe?
   {jg2}

*  The balloon should not have gone through the chimney, then lowered back
   down to where Bart and Lisa could reach it, then back up to the upper
   floors of a tall building.  {ddg}

c  Here's a nit-picky one:  When Homer says, "guy who never picks our
   numbers," the closed captioning reads, "*that* never picks ..."  [Emphasis
   the author's -- Ed.]  {bjr}

*  What if a women has to go to the bathroom?  The bathroom may still be the
   place where Moe's wrestling office is.  {mg}

*  The book Moe got was plot ideas, not scripts, so why would they have pink
   "dream sequence" pages in them?  {ddg}

*  These days, soap operas are never done live anymore.  Thus, the writers
   could have cut Homer's angel bit from the program and explain that Moe's
   death was really a dream.  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]  {cg}

*  On every video switcher I've ever seen, the lever to fade to black (i.e.
   take the program off the air and show nothing) is on the right, not the
   left.  {cg}

=  The lever is gone in the second shot of the control room, when the
   executive tells the technical director to cut Homer off.  {cg}

*  The TD wouldn't push a button to kill the show, he'd pull a lever.  [See
   "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]  {cg}

=  The set piece that falls on Moe has double doors on one side, but a single
   door on the other.

*  That flat [backdrop] would have and should have broken if it was simply
   screwed or nailed into the floor, or it should have had jacks on the back
   of it to keep it balanced.  {tm}

   Flats don't weigh that much.  {tm}

   There's enough wind resistance to keep it from falling so fast.  {tm}

   Moe would have more likely choked because the top rail (the top part of the
   flat) landed on his throat.  {tm}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Nate Birch:  This episode started out fairly decently (even if we've seen the
   exact same thing happen before) with some good gags and a decent plot,
   right up to when Moe's new face was revealed.  From here I was expected
   some hilarious stuff about Moe dating, and all the funny stuff related to
   that, but instead we get a jumbled up, predictable, and not very funny
   second half to the show.  Usually I'd give a show like this at least a B,
   but what the hell was up with the Lisa and Bart subplot?  Why in God's name
   would they care if a balloon flew away, in previous episodes Bart didn't
   notice when Maggie made off with the car!  And the payoff is some joke
   about a gay president in 2084?  Huh?  All in all a pretty dull episode.
   (C)

Nathan DeHoff:  It was kind of random, but I still liked it.  It wasn't very
   deep or developed, with the show pretty much just moving from one joke to
   another, but at least the jokes were funny.  There were plenty of great
   scenes and lines (the bartender competition bit, the soap opera spoof, and
   Carl revealing why he doesn't talk much, for instance).  Perhaps it could
   have used a more developed plot, and I think they introduced the makeover
   so late into the episode that they didn't have a chance to do anything but
   a few random gags with it.  Still, it kept up a good, humourous pace, and
   there's a lot to be said for that.  (B)

Curtis Gibby:  A little extreme wackiness, like in last week's [BABF11], is
   occasionally a good thing.  But it's always good to come back to a solid
   plot-line with good quasi-reality-based humor.  I saw this solid
   performance in "Pygmoelian," and it made me happy.  There were several
   laugh-out-loud moments, such as the return of Duff Man and Moe's liquor
   license.  However, I do have one complaint.  Where did the balloon subplot
   go?  I would've liked to have seen the balloon show up in the later scenes
   back at home.  Anyway, keep 'em coming.  Season 11's turning out all right!
   (A-)

Joe Green:  Ehhh ... Not an out-and-out BAD episode, but just sort of bland.
   The story didn't really go anywhere, not to mention the gratuitous subplot
   and deus ex machina ending.  (C-)

Carl Johnson:  It's either a good episode or a strange writing staff, or both,
   when the only major flaw a production holds is Homer J. Simpson.  BABF12 is
   the best of the season-- not so perfect as to be considered classic-- but a
   fine piece of entertainment.  It would be just mean of me to nit-pick about
   the third act, to say that the joke revolving about Moe replacing the other
   eye patch guy was too much of an in-joke to be worthwhile, that the show is
   trying too hard to please its implacable hard-core fan base.  So I won't.
   Because for once this hard-core fan WAS pleased, and, being a
   self-righteous little bugger, that's all that matters to me.  (A-)

Darrel Jones:  Like Moe himself once said, "It's not without its charm."  The
   Beer-Tender bit was interesting, and I liked how the new Moe looked (any
   resemblance to Hank Azaria?  I'm curious).  [No physical resemblance,
   really -- Ed.]  But it went downhill after Moe started seeking revenge.
   The soap opera was fun, but the "angel" part was overdone.  The balloon
   subplot should have been excised.  But the ending was cute.  (B-)

Andrew Levine:  This episode had less to hate about it than most from 1997 on;
   cartoonishness is kept to Season 5 levels, and steps out of the spotlight a
   little to let a supporting character carry the superplot.  My only real
   gripe is that it didn't make sense for Homer to drag his whole family to
   the beer festival, when he could probably have had a better time on his own
   (and we would have been spared some onerous, unfunny scenes).  That said,
   the episode doesn't have a good deal of positive things going for it
   either.  The subplot made me smile, but it was resolved too quickly; I
   would have had Maggie go after the elephant on her own and done a full
   parody of "La Ballon Rouge."  In short, this is one of those episodes, like
   "Marge Gets a Job" or "This Little Wiggy," which didn't strike me as
   remarkably good or bad, and probably won't adhere well to my memory.  (B-)

Adam Long:  Larry Doyle maintains his status as one of the best writers on the
   staff with another great episode.  "Pygmoelian" had many elements of humor
   to remind me how much I miss the Season 6-8 episodes, such as Duff Days,
   the bandage-removing gag, the whole "It Never Ends" bit and many more which
   I can't think of right now.  Most all of the gags worked, and I loved the
   ending.  The subplot was nice but a bit short.  Nevertheless, great show!
   (A-)

Michael Nusair:  A pretty average episode.  It was good in that it avoided
   over-the-top wackiness, and it had pretty good characterization.  It was
   definitely enjoyable, especially for this season, but something just seemed
   to be ... Lacking.  I dunno.  I can't really put my finger on it.  There
   were a few funny parts, and the revelation of Carl's full name was nice
   (Carl Carlson).  Now if we could just get Lenny's full name ...  Anyway,
   overall:  A good episode, just not a great one.  (B)

James Reisdorf:  A less than stellar episode in my book.  Moe getting a face
   lift was a cool idea, but the script was as poorly written as the ones on
   "It Never Ends".  It kinda bugged me at the end why we don't know how Moe's
   face went back to normal.  We can just speculate.  (D+)

Jeremy Vitrano:  There were a lot of good gags that made me laugh out loud.
   In my opinion, this is one of the best this season.  Moe getting a
   storyline was great.  The ending left something to be desired, and that
   whole balloon thing seemed like only an excuse for the gay-Republican joke.
   All in all, very enjoyable.  (A-)

Yours Truly:  An interesting mix of old- and new-style "Simpsons."  Most of
   the show was from modern, anything-goes mold, where the story is there to
   serve as a framework for jokes satirizing the liquor industry, soap operas,
   and our obsession with surface appearances.  Once it got to the bar-tending
   contest, it was handled well.  However, a tiny subplot featuring the kids
   and a pink elephant balloon was a highlight.  It had slice-of-life quality
   to it that was a trademark of "The Simpsons'" earlier seasons.  I'm an
   old-schooler, so I might be a little biased on the matter, but I think it's
   telling when the best part of a new episode is the part that reminds me
   most of an old episode.  (B-)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B (2.94)   Std Dev.: 0.6691   (19 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Meta-reference corner

Benjamin Robinson:  After his botched attempt at comforting his friends, Carl,
   a background character who doesn't get that many lines, turns to the camera
   and this is why he doesn't talk much.

   Moe explains the implausibility of the ending, so we don't have to.

   As Moe explains, he gets cut off by the credits, as if the producers of the
   show wanted to shut him up.


>> Musical References

Darrel Jones:  "Hippy Hippy Shake" by Swingin' Blue Jeans (1964) is played
   during the Beer-Tender contest.


>> Oh, so that's where it comes from

Joe Green:  It should be noted that Shaw's "Pygmalion" took its title from a
   Greek myth.  In the myth, Pygmalion was a sculptor who didn't think any
   woman was good enough for him, and created a female statue named Galatea
   that was so perfect that he fell in love with it.  The love goddess
   Aphrodite subsequently rewarded Pygmalion by turning Galatea into a real
   woman.  A longer and more detailed retelling of this story can be found at
   <http://www.loggia.com/myth/galatea.html>.


>> Found:  A practical use for 8-track players

Courtesy R. Schram:  You can play cassettes in 8-track players, by inserting
   them "lengthwise and tape-side first"; an old trick -- The animators DO
   care about the little details!  (Of course, it would have been more
   authentic had we seen Homer shaving off some of the excess plastic case on
   the cassette so that the tape would fit better in the 8-track.


>> Great Drinkers in American History

Benjamin Robinson describes them:  Ulysses S. Grant:  American general for the
   North during the Civil War, and later President of the United States.  He
   was rumored to be a two-fisted drinker, but this reputation may have been
   exaggerated by his critics.

   Babe Ruth:  The Sultan of Swat, Ruth held the record for most home runs in
   a career, until Hank Aaron beat the mark in the mid-70s.  Had there been
   records for carousing, Ruth might have held them, as well.

   Benjamin Franklin:  Statesman, founding father, inventor, publisher, and
   all-around Renaissance man, even though the Renaissance was over when he
   appeared on the scene.  Alas, he sometimes had a problem holding onto his
   liquor, especially in his later years.


>> Art Imitates Life Dept.

Kudos to Hari Wierny for forwarding this article:  Official Savors Simpsons
   Role

   February 29th, 2000 -- Sacramento Bee

   "The Simpsons" cartoon show has waded into California politics.  The latest
   episode featured a bar-tending contest with the winner getting his photo on
   a beer calendar.  A photographer stepped forward to snap the winner's
   picture -- a photographer identified as, "Phil Angelides, Duff Beer vice
   president for calendars and fake ID's."

   The character looked only a little like the state treasurer and Sacramento
   developer by the same name.  "Nobody looks good on 'The Simpsons,' but I'll
   take it as an endorsement," Angelides said.  "If I ever run for office
   again, I'll say I'm the vice president for calendars and fake IDs.  That
   should be worth some votes."  The mention was more than a coincidence.
   Angelides said "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening is a friend.  Good thing
   he's not a relative ...


>> "Let's see how you like a sticker on *your* face!"

"Censoring" by sticker has been done before, as Joe Klemm notes:  In some
   printed materials, there may be something that could be inappropriate to
   some people.  Thus, some companies may put a sticker over the product.
   That way, the dirty part can be censored, unless the reader decides to pull
   the sticker off.  One example of this type of censorship appears in an
   "Outland" comic-strip collection book, in which the cover features a
   sticker covering a kid mooning Opus, the penguin in "Outland"/"Bloom
   County."


>> At least it will give archaeologists something to find.

Benjamin Robinson:  Lisa isn't exaggerating when she says Maggie's balloon
   will be around for 10,000 years.  According to environmentalists, modern
   man-made materials don't naturally decompose and return to the environment
   the way wood, cloth, and some metals do.  The result is litter that hangs
   around for generation after generation until someone cleans it up.  I don't
   know about balloons specifically, but one statistic that I remember
   predicts cigarette butts discarded today will remain more or less intact
   for nine centuries.


>> "We're here!  We're queer!  We don't want any more Democrats!"

Darrel Jones:  The Log Cabin Republicans is, basically, a group of homosexual
   members of the US's Republican party.  Any out-of-the-closet gay man in the
   US, even if they generally agree with them on the issues, would have a hard
   time being a Republican because their leaders promote "family values" and
   other things considered offensive to gays.  Nevertheless, a Log Cabin
   Republican currently serves in the US House of Representatives: Arizona
   Congressman Jim Kolbe.  BTW, their candor about "Elect a Gay President in
   2084" is atypical of homosexual activists; like many other political
   organizations considered on the "fringe" of society, they're usually a lot
   bolder in public.


>> Ever Been To White Castle?

Jeremy Vitrano:  White Castles aren't located everywhere, so allow me to
   explain. It is a fast food joint, shaped like a, um ... white castle, that
   sells hamburgers, but the hamburgers are very thin and very tiny -- almost
   bite-sized --and cooked on a steamer.  White Castles are also called
   Sliders, because they go in one end and come right out the other.  :)


>> Up late with the ugly people

James Reisdorf writes:  Bill Maher is a political comedian who gained fame as
   a stand up act, and is currently the host of ABC's (formerly Comedy
   Central's) "Politically Incorrect", a semi-satirical "talk show" where a
   panelist of 4 famous people (from newsanchors to singers, political writers
   to actors) talk about current issues, mostly in a humourous fashion.  It
   shows at 12:05 AM in most areas, making Homer partially right about him not
   being allowed on before midnight.  However, in the Central Time Zone, it
   shows at 11:05 PM.  (Does this mean Springfield isn't in Missouri?)  Plus,
   it showed at 11 PM when it was on Comedy Central.


>> Fade to black

Curtis Gibby explains video switcher operation:  The TD wouldn't push a button
   to kill the show, he'd pull a lever. Even if he did push a button (which
   would defy most television control room conventions, but is still
   possible), it wouldn't have looked like that one, it would have been in a
   long row of buttons.  (Aren't you all glad that I'm taking the broadcast
   journalism class that deals with this kind of thing this semester?)


Brad Dancer:  You can do either on most switchers -- in fact, every one I've
   seen in any TV studio -- its either button or lever and it can be placed by
   itself so its not easily hit by accident.


Curtis Gibby answers:  That's what I was saying in my first point, that the
   lever is usually placed on the right side of the panel, away from
   everything else.  But if you wanted, you could just punch up black in your
   program bus. However, most TDs wouldn't do this, for form's sake.


>> Live from Springfield ...

Someone (and my records don't indicate who) wondered about the live broadcast
   of "It Never Ends," since most dramas airing nowadays are taped in advance.


Jimmy Jay answers:  Did you see "Mommy Dearest"?  It was broadcast live there
   too.  Soap Operas are notorious for being broadcast live.


"Scan" adds:  Occasionally, a soap opera will have to tape live or some parts
   of an episode live because of deadline problems.  Which means that
   Springfield not located in the Pacific Time Zone.


>> It Was All A Dream ...

Wilson Banswell:  Deaths occur often on TV, and a lot of it, especially on
   Soap Operas, turns out to be a dream, the most famous example would be
   "Dallas" On day time soaps deaths, and the such turn out to be dreams,
   comas, whatever, as referenced tonight.


Jerry P wonders:  Going along with the replacement actor metaphor, was Marcia
   Mitzman-Gaven upset about Maude being killed off?  Was Maude originally
   only going to die in a dream?


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Nathan DeHoff (!) alterna-title for this show is:  Amoerican Beauty


Don Del Grande:  Springfield Is In: ... not Rhode Island


John Jensen:  Fugly = [Fudging] Ugly


Michael Nusair, on Carl's "breaking the fourth wall":  Coming next week from
   Fox:  "Carl in the Middle!"


Benjamin Robinson contributes these next two items:  Faye Dunaway is a
   respected actress.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% The shrill call of the fire alarm breaks the stillness of the night. 
% Lisa bolts out of bed, scoops up her saxophone and Snowball II, and
% hurriedly decides which of her trophies to save.  She picks out her
% attendance award and joins Bart, who is carrying Santa's Little
% Helper, and Marge, who holds Maggie and a vacuum cleaner, in the
% hallway.  Homer hustles everyone into the car and drives away from
% the house.

Homer:	Good work, everyone.  We're sure to be first in line for 
	"Duff Days."
Marge:	You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
Homer:	[chuckles] I know.  I'm a character.  Now a little beer 
	music to get in the mood.  [inserts a tape in the car's 
	cassette deck, which plays traditional German beer-hall 
	music]
	[Bart and Lisa desperately claw at the doors, but the 
	handles have been removed]
	[dangling the handles from his finger]  Looking for these?
-- German fire drill, "Pygmoelian"

% The Simpsons arrive at the Duff Days site.  Homer switches off the
% beer music, to the kids' relief.  As soon as they step out of the
% car, though, a live band plays exactly the same tune.
%
% Near the entrance, a man is dressed as Surly, one of the Seven 
% Duffs.

[loudly] Drink Duff!  [under breath] Responsibly.
[loudly] Drink Duff!  [under breath] Responsibly.
-- Duff spokes-character Surly, "Pygmoelian"

% Marge volunteers herself to be the designated driver.  For her
% trouble, she gets sent to the "Duff Designated Drivers' Rockin' Fun
% Zone."  It's not as much fun as it sounds, unless being put in a box
% surrounded by razor wire is your idea of a good time.
%
% Lisa admires the Alco-Hall of Fame, featuring animatronic robots of
% Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth, and Benjamin Franklin.  The later two
% get into a drunken shouting match.  Elsewhere, Bart discovers what
% it's like to be drunk.  Evidently, it's like being strapped to a
% giant gyroscope and spun silly.  After the ride, Bart staggers off
% to join his friend Milhouse, who's similarly "wasted."
%
% The highlight of the day is a contest to find the best bartender.

Announcer:	All right, Springfield!  Belly up for the Duff beer-
		tender of the year contest!  [crowd cheers] Now, 
		fresh from his appearance before the House 
		subcommittee on teenage alcoholism, Duff Man!  
		[Mello Yello's "Oh, Yeah" begins to play]
Duff Man:	Are you ready for some Duff love?
		[crowd cheers] All right, today we're going to find 
		out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to 
		dispense Duff.  From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare 
		International Airport -- Michael Finn!  [crowd 
		cheers]
		From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California -- 
		Titania.  [the first syllable is pronounced to rhyme 
		with "sit."  The crowd lustily cheers the well-
		endowed woman]
		[cut to a shot of Moe preening his hair backstage]
		And now, the local mug who fills your mug with the 
		drug you chug, oh, yeah -- give it up for Moe 
		Szyslak!
		[Moe runs out onstage]
Moe:		Hello, Springfield!  How you --
		[interrupted when Titania splashes some beer on her 
		chest, wet T-shirt style, drawing massive crowd 
		response]
-- "Pygmoelian"

% The first round is trick pouring, which incidentally qualifies for
% course credit at Dartmouth.  As "Hippy Hippy Shakes" plays, Finn
% uses a cleaver to split a mug of that wonderful Duff in two.  The
% halves of the can fall aside, leaving the beer standing in place. 
% Before it can spill, he scoops it up in a mug.  Titania pours two
% mugs from two taps, while letting her natural assets bounce up and
% down.  The beer overflows the mugs.  Moe quickly pours mug after
% mug, arranging them to spell "Duff" in big letters on the bar. 
% Titania takes the round, and Moe looks disappointed.
%
% Round Two:  A Duff quiz.

Duff Man:	Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley, and sparkling 
		clear mountain ... what?
Titania:	[rings bell] Goat.
Duff Man:	Eh, close enough!  [crowd cheers]
		[cut to Homer, drinking beer]
Homer:		Ah.  You can really taste the goat.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Round Three.  Duff Man announces it makes up 98% of the score,
% "making the previous rounds a complete waste."  He also reminds the
% audience that the winner of the competition will be featured on the
% new Duff calendar.
%
% Cut to the audience, where Homer, Carl, and Lenny sit next to each
% other.

Homer:	All right, guys -- one, two, three, ...
	[they lift up their shirts.  A letter is painted on each 
	of their chests spelling M ... O ... O?]
	"Moo?"  Lenny, you were supposed to be "E".
Carl:	See what happens when you skip rehearsal?
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Round Three is the Drunk Toss.  Michael Finn tosses one of the usual
% patrons from Moe's Tavern into a sand pit, like at a track meet. 
% Titania's up next, but she meets her Waterloo in this round.

Titania:	Ew.  You said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to 
		touch the drunk.
Duff Man:	Duff Man says a lot of things.  Oh, yeah!
		[Titania walks out in a huff]
-- If you can't trust Duff Man, who can you trust?  "Pygmoelian"

% Moe now has a shot at winning, but first he must toss Barney.  It's
% an uphill battle, since Moe can't even pick up Barney, let alone
% throw him any distance.  He falls back to plan "B":  brandishing a
% board with a nail in it, he chases Barney, who jumps into the sand
% pit to escape.  He lands a bit short of the first drunk, and it
% looks like Finn will win by a nose, but then Barney's tongue unfurls
% from his mouth.  It stretches a little past the first drunk's
% landing spot, and Moe wins by a tongue.

Duff Man:	And the winner:  Moe Szyslak!
Moe:		Aw, that's great; thank you, thanks a lot.  Uh, I
		just want to say that it was an honor for me to 
		compete against the Mick and the, uh, the chick with 
		the rack there.
-- Moe Szyslak, goodwill ambassador, "Pygmoelian"

% The barflies cheer Moe from the stands.  Lenny shouts, "That's my
% Moo!"

Duff Man:	And now, to take your official calendar portrait, 
		Duff's Vice President in charge of calendars and 
		fake IDs, Phil Angelides.
		[Phil takes the picture with a Polaroid (TM) camera.  
		An unflattering shot of Moe develops]
		Oh, that's a mug you don't want to chug.
Phil:		Knock it off, Larry, we can't put this face on our 
		calendar.
		[Moe looks at Phil and gives the thumbs-up sign.  He 
		doesn't look any more handsome in real life]
-- Should have gone with dogs playing poker, instead, "Pygmoelian"

% Homer and the kids spring Marge from the Rockin' Fun Zone, and they
% walk back to the car.  On the way out, they pass one of the Seven
% Duffs, who is handing out pink elephant balloons.

Marge:	Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart:	[sarcastic] Yeah, right, Mom.  Then I'd like a rattle and 
	a wowwypop.  Actually, I would like a wowwypop.
Lisa:	Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years.  
	And if Bart gets a wowwypop, I want a wowwypop.
	[Maggie takes one of the balloons]
Homer:	Aw, Maggie wants a balloon.  And Daddy will take a hand 
	stamp so he can get back in.
Marge:	[threatening grumble]
Homer:	Just kidding.  [they walk out.  Homer slyly turns around]  
	Remember my face.
-- Can't get enough ... "Pygmoelian"

% Some time later, Moe paces nervously at the bar, waiting for the
% calendars to arrive.  Homer shows up, waving some envelopes.

Homer:	Moe!  The new Duff calendars are out!  The ones with your 
	picture.
Moe:	Oh, boy!  Move over, liquor license.  [takes a framed 
	license down from the wall]
Lenny:	[reading license] Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, 
	and it's only good in Rhode Island ... and it's signed by 
	you.
Moe:	Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for 
	this state and, real.
-- Damn paperwork, "Pygmoelian"

% "Now," Moe says, "let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-lennium,"
% tears the wrapping off the calendar, and is surprised to see a
% sticker covering his face.  No, make that two stickers.  Or is that
% three?  How about six?  Finally, he peels off the last sticker and
% exposes his picture-imperfect face.

Moe:	[gasps] Am I really that ugly?
Carl:	Moe, it's all relative.  Is Lenny really that dumb?  
	[Lenny looks grief-stricken] Is Barney that drunk?  
	[Barney is saddened] Is Homer really that lazy, bald, and 
	fat?  [Homer also looks stricken]
Moe:	Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!  [Moe and all the 
	bar patrons except Carl literally cry in their beers]
Carl:	[to the camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  7:11]
%
% The guys try to console Moe by pointing out he's not as ugly as the
% people at White Castle.

Moe:	Aw, c'mon, look at me, I'm a gargoyle.  What with the 
	cauliflower ear there, and the lizard lips ...
Carl:	... little rat eyes ...
Homer:	... caveman brow ...
Lenny:	... don't forget that fish mouth.
Moe:	Okay, I get it.  I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny:	Or listen to.
Carl:	Or be with.
-- Moe's comforters, "Pygmoelian"

% Lenny offers something more constructive.

Lenny:	Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get 
	some plastic surgery?
Moe:	Plastic surgery, eh?  Maybe they could dynamite Mount 
	Crapmore here [indicates his face] and carve me a new 
	kisser.
Carl:	Oh, I don't know.  Plastic surgery might make you look 
	good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the 
	inside.
Moe:	But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl:	Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe:	Plastic surgery it is!  Carl Carlson, you just saved my 
	life.
	[the cash register rings, and the camera angle shifts to 
	let us see that Homer is raiding the till]
	Hey!  Get outta there.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Back home, Maggie plays with her new balloon.  Bart and Lisa go from
% being slightly condescending towards Maggie's entrancement to being
% entranced themselves.  Bart and Lisa both try to grab the balloon at
% once, but in the ensuing struggle, it gets away and heads for the
% front door.  Bart closes the door in time, but the balloon floats up
% the chimney and off into the distance.  Maggie sees her rubber
% friend going bye-bye, and cries.

Bart:	Okay, don't panic.  I'll get the bikes.
Lisa:	[facetious] I hope they're hoverbikes.
Bart:	Oh, man, that would be so awesome.
Lisa:	[groans]
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Moe gets his pre-operation evaluation from the cosmetic surgeon.  He
% stands, in his underwear, on a stool as the doctor gives him the
% look-see.  He examines Moe's face, and renders his verdict by
% mimicking a bomb dropping.

Moe:		It's hopeless, ain't it?
Surgeon:	No, no, no; I love a challenge.  First, we must 
		install buttocks ...
Moe:		Nah, nah, nah -- no luxury items.  Just the face.
Surgeon:	[drawing on Moe's face with a marker] Okay, I'm 
		going to move this up, this wider.  Gonna lose that 
		... I've never even seen one of these.
		[cut to show Moe's face, all marked up]
Moe:		Can the medical mumbo-jumbo.  Can you fix me or not?
Surgeon:	Well, we'll see.  You know, most faces need a little 
		remodeling, but this is a total tear-down.  Let me 
		clean up this mess I made.  [sprays some blue liquid 
		on Moe's face, and wipes the markings up with a 
		cloth]
Moe:		Hey, hey!  That really burns, there!
Surgeon:	Oh, stop it.  You're worse then Faye Dunaway.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Bart and Lisa give chase to Maggie's balloon.  Lisa rides her bike,
% carrying Bart on her shoulders.  Bart tries to capture the balloon
% with a butterfly net, but it floats just out of reach.

Bart:	Gotta get closer.
Lisa:	Ugh, I'm trying.  Can't I get on your shoulders?
Bart:	I'm not riding a girls' bike.  Hey, it's getting away!  
	Step on it!  [kicks Lisa, like a cowboy spurring a horse] 
	Yah!  Yah!
Lisa:	Stop kicking me!
Bart:	Yah!
-- Now you know how Trigger felt, "Pygmoelian"

% Moe's operation gets under way, once the anesthesiologist switches
% her machine from "New Car Smell" to "Anesthetic."
%
% Meanwhile, the balloon floats into the top floor of a tall building. 
% Lisa pulls up in front, and she and Bart run inside.  Seconds later,
% Snake's son (who bears a striking resemblance to his old man) steals
% it.  Tears well up in Snake's eyes, as he takes pride in his son's
% first theft.
%
% Inside the building, a group of suit-wearing men hold a meeting.

GOP 1:	We need a symbol.  Something that says we're gay *and* 
	Republican.
	[Maggie's pink elephant balloon floats in through an open 
	window]
GOP 2:	A little on the nose, don't you think?
	[Lisa and Bart come into the room]
Lisa:	Excuse me, we just came to get our balloon.
GOP 1:	Here you go.  [hands her the balloon] And, have a bumper 
	sticker.  [gives her one of those, too]
Lisa:	Thank you.  [reading] "A gay President in 2084"?
GOP 3:	We're realistic.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% The surgery (and presumably the recuperation period) is complete. 
% Homer watches as the surgeon removes the bandages from the head of
% his patient, revealing ... a beautiful woman.  Moe is the *other*
% patient.  The doctor slowly unwinds his bandages.

Surgeon:	Well Moe, now we see if you go on my wall of fame, 
		or my blooper reel.  [The bandages come off, and the 
		camera cuts to show Moe from behind.  Homer and the 
		surgeon gasp]
Moe:		What, I'm a monster, right?  I knew it.  I guess 
		I'll just crawl back to live in the sewer, 
		periodically emerging to sue you.  [points at the 
		surgeon]
		[the surgeon hands Moe a mirror, showing him and he 
		audience that he's now very handsome]
		[gasps] Is that me?  [sheds a tear]
Surgeon:	Oopsie, we got some leakage.  Let me just cauterize 
		that for you.  [holds what looks like a soldering 
		iron to Moe's face]
Moe:		[in pain, as we hear a sizzling sound] Oh!  Ah!
-- Looks like we're headed to the wall of fame, "Pygmoelian"

% The doctor's pretty nurses say goodbye.  Moe still can't believe his
% good fortune, and figures that he died during the operation and went
% to Heaven.  Homer says that Moe *did* die, but only for a minute. 
% Now, Moe can start his new life.

A new life!  A second chance ... for revenge!
-- Moe, "Pygmoelian"

% Duff Man waters his lawn.

Duff Man:	That brown patch needs a little H20.  Oh, yeah!
		[Moe and Homer drive up.  Moe hops out of the car]
Moe:		Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on 
		*your* face!  Yeah.  [slaps one on him and gets back 
		into the car.  Homer and Moe speed off]
Duff Man:	[collapses] Duff Man -- can't breathe!  Oh, no!  
		Oooh!
-- "Pygmoelian"

% Next, Moe tries to get back at the woman who turned him down for the
% Springtime Pumpkin Dance at his high school.  When he identifies
% himself, she apologizes, which was the one thing Moe didn't
% anticipate.  While he tries to puzzle out his next move, Homer
% heaves a rock through her window.  Homer and Moe haul butt out of
% there.
%
% The last stop is the studios of Channel Six.  Homer surmises that
% they are here to wreak revenge on the Lotto guy, who never picks
% their numbers.  Moe has a more personal motive.

		[the scene flashes back to many years ago.  Moe has 
		his old face, an afro-like hairstyle and big 
		sideburns]
Moe:		It all goes back to my acting days.  I was 
		auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow on the 
		hit soap, "It Never Ends."
		[reading from a script] Angela, I'm afraid I --
Producer:	[interrupting] Thank you; next!
		[dejected, Moe leaves]
		[to Casting producer] What were you thinking?
Casting:	Well, you said you wanted gritty.  In other words, 
		ugly.
Producer:	I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not 
		Cornelius on "Planet of the Apes" ugly.  TV-ugly, 
		not ... ugly-ugly.
		[Moe is behind one of the sets, eavesdropping with a 
		stethoscope.  Naturally, he is shattered by what he 
		hears]
		[flash back to the present]
Moe:		I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, 
		but never ugly-ugly.
Homer:		Well, it's time to get some closure ... extreme 
		closure.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% On the set, the producer -- the same woman who turned down Moe in
% his pug-fugly days -- argues with the actor playing Tad Winslow.

Actor:		But I've been playing Dr. Tad Winslow for twenty-
		five years!  It's time I got a raise.
Producer:	Oh, shut up you windy old hack.
Actor:		And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
Moe:		[walks up] Remember me?  Twenty-five years ago, you 
		said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow.
Producer:	I did?  Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon.  
		You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
Moe:		Really?  You mean it?
Actor:		But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows, that's 
		going to ... [realizes] Oh.  [takes off his eye-
		patch, hands it to Moe, and walks off the set]
-- "Pygmoelian"

% This is the moment for which Moe has been waiting all his life. 
% Suddenly, Homer walks by, pouring gasoline on the set and giggling. 
% Moe stops him, telling him there's been a change of plans. 
% Disappointed, Homer drops the can and stalks off.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time:  14:37]
%
% Time for the show.

Narrator:	Like the cleaning of a house ... It Never Ends.  
		[the theme music comes up.  As the narrator 
		introduces the characters, penciled renditions of 
		their faces appear on the screen]  With Gabriela 
		DeFarge as Gabriela St. Farge.  Allegra Hamilton as 
		Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide.  And as Dr. Tad 
		Winslow, Moe Szyslak.
Lisa:		I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. 
		Tad Winslow.
Marge:		Well, I'm going to keep watching as long as they 
		have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
-- And no jerkass Tad Winslow, "Pygmoelian"

% We see Moe engaged in some of the aforementioned pillow talk.  He's
% in bed with a beautiful woman, who turns out to be a 5,000-year-old
% mummy that Winslow brought back to life.  She'd like him to join her
% in a city-burning rampage, but Winslow turns her down, citing
% hospital regulation.  What's more, "Clyde Dancer" is spying on
% Winslow, waiting for him to make a mistake.
%
% Homer, Lenny, and Carl head towards Moe's tavern for a drink.

Carl:	So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that 
	girl next door?
Lenny:	Eh, it's over.  She got a window shade.
-- "Pygmoelian"

% When the two men enter the bar, they are shocked to discover Moe
% surrounded by dozens of groping women.  Moe's too preoccupied even
% to get Homer a beer, so he lets Homer get it himself.  Homer pours a
% mug, commenting to himself that it's easier than Moe made it sound. 
% Then the tap breaks off, soaking Homer.
%
% Moe rehearses his upcoming lines with Homer.

Moe:	I didn't bring you back to life just so you could make a 
	fool of me at the club!
Homer:	[reading from the script] You don't love me!  The only 
	thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
Moe:	I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but 
	the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my 
	soul.
Homer:	That was amazing, Moe.  I'm actually a little turned on.
Moe:	Yeah, hey, I've got a gift.  As a child, I was bitten by 
	the acting bug.  Then it burrowed under my skin and laid 
	eggs in my heart.  Now, those eggs are hatching and I -- 
	the feeling is indescribable.
Homer:	I know what you mean.  Our dog had that.
-- Wouldn't have if he had is acting bug pills, "Pygmoelian"

% A delivery boy appears at the door, bearing an envelope marked, "Top
% Secret Storylines."  Moe signs for it, and then has a little peek at
% what the writers have in store for him.

Moe:	[reading] Looks like my character gets back together with 
	that evil Contessa.
Homer:	The one with the amulet?
Moe:	Precisely.  Then I get in a sky-diving accident and have 
	to be rushed to the ... [turns page] graveyard?!  They're 
	killing off Dr. Tad Winslow!
Homer:	What?  Let me see that!  [takes the script and reads it] 
	"Interior -- Coroners' office.  Close-up on Dr. Winslow's 
	mangled corpse.  Coroner:  'Let's get that brain out and 
	weighed and call it a day.'"  Yep, that does sound kind of 
	bad.
Moe:	Well, if they're going to stomp on my dreams, the least I 
	can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes.
-- That's the spirit, "Pygmoelian"

% Dr. Winslow and the Contessa (played by someone who appears to be
% Titania's cousin) relax in a hot tub.  The Contessa suggests that
% she and Winslow go sky-diving.  Suddenly, the doorbell -- which
% sounds suspiciously like Homer saying, "ding-dong" -- rings. 
% Winslow answers it.  On the other side is Homer dresses as an angel.

Homer:		Dr. Winslow!
Moe:		Why, who are you?
Homer:		I am an angel from the future!
		[cut to the control room]
Producer:	Angel?
TD:		What the [bleep]?  Should I cut him off?
Producer:	No, let's see where this is going.
		[cut back to the set]
Moe:		And what do you have to tell us, O angel of the 
		future.
Homer:		You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
Moe:		How tragic!  Tell me more.
Homer:		Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by 
		terrorists, with sexy results.
Moe:		Ooh, that's unexpected.  What else?
Homer:		Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and 
		start a softball team, with sexy results.
		[cut to the Simpson home, where Marge and the 
		children watch the show]
Bart:		What's Dad doing on the show?
Marge:		Who cares?  He's dishing out the dirt.  [writes 
		"Sexy Results" on her notepad]
		[back to the show]
Homer:		And only then do we find out that Professor 
		Galloway's half sister is plotting to take over 
		International Perfume and Wine.
		[cut to the control room]
Producer:	Aagh!  He just gave away a year's worth of 
		storylines.  Cut him off ... n-n-now.  [TD does so]
-- Homer reveals soap secrets, with sexy results, "Pygmoelian"

% Homer and Moe, proud of their revenge, high-five each other.  The
% producer walks over to them.

Producer:	What the hell are you two doing?
Moe:		Sticking it to you for killing off my character.  
		[he and Homer high-five each other again]
Producer:	You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a 
		dream.
Moe:		Whaa?
Producer:	[holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always 
		mean a dream.
Moe:		I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
Producer:	No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
Moe:		I see.  So, uh, what time tomorrow?
-- Dream on, "Pygmoelian"

% The producer laughs sardonically and has her security guards escort
% Moe and Homer off the set.  Moe wrestles free from his guard and
% declares, "With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in
% Springfield."  He walks off the set and slams the door behind him. 
% Bad move -- the "wall" is actually a set, and slamming the door
% causes it to tip over.  To the horror of all concerned, it falls
% over, pinning Moe's head underneath it.  The security men lift the
% fallen wall and free Moe.  He sits up, and the onlookers gasp.  The
% impact has caused Moe's face to return to its former ugly self.
%
% Moe and Homer drown their sorrows in Moe's Tavern.

Homer:	Sorry about your face, Moe.
Moe:	Nah, it's just as well.  That handsome face was nice, but 
	it was too much maintenance.  I had to wash it, rub it 
	with neat's-foot oil ... you did me a favor, Homer.  And 
	to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters.
Homer:	Yeah, you were -- D'oh!
Moe:	Well, I guess that wraps it up.  There's just one thing I 
	don't get, though.  When my face was crushed, why'd it go 
	back to my old face?  I mean, shouldn't it have turned 
	into some kind of third face that was different?  Heh.  
	Don't make no --
	[the closing credits abruptly cut off Moe]
-- "Pygmoelian"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:05]
%
% Normal closing credits.  The Gracie logo sound is Duff Man saying,
% "Oh, Yeah!"

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{af}  Al Foley
{al}  Adam Long
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cg}  Curtis Gibby
{cg2} Cathie Gifford
{cj}  Carl Johnson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{ep}  Eric Pastoral
{jg2} Joe Green
{jj}  John Jensen
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jp}  Jerry P
{jp2} Jouni Paakkinen
{jpr} James Reisdorf
{jv}  Jeremy Vitrano
{mg}  Matt Greenberg
{tm}  Tim MacKay

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  This
capsule has been brought to you by Duff Breweries.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.  Also thanks to Adam Long and Don Del Grande for the writer's and
director's names.