Monty Can't Buy Me Love Written by John Swartzwelder Directed by Mark Ervin ============================================================================== Production code: AABF17 Original Airdate on FOX: 2-May-1999 Capsule revision A (9-Sep-2001) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis ============================================================================== [Canadian TV Guide] Mr. Burns isn't feeling so "excellent" when another billionaire struts into town and showers goodwill upon the lower class, so Monty enlists Homer as his image consultant and winds up on a shock-jock's radio show. {hl} ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: I HAVE NEITHER BEEN THERE / NOR DONE THAT Couch: The family run on and do a chorus line. They're joined by a line of Rockette-type women. As the camera pulls back, the back wall of the living room is lifted up to reveal elephants doing handstands on one front leg, magicians pulling rabbits out of hats, and other assorted circus performers. The music throughout sounds as though it's from a circus. [Recycled from 9F08. And 9F13, and 9F16, and ...] {jac} ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... this show was rated TV-14-DL, the most "adult" rating so far? [{tdm} writes, "Although 'Treehouse of Horror V' was made before the ratings system was introduced, it gets a TV-14 DV rating in syndication." -- Ed.] Nathan DeHoff: ... Burns mentions his strong teeth as one of his good points, even though he wears false teeth? Don Del Grande: ... the opening is a repeat, but had not been used in a new episode since 1994? ... while there were no Maggie falls, there was a Lisa fall? ... Maggie was asleep until Marge started reading her poem, but then fell back asleep until Bart was riding a dog? ... everybody who is shocked is drawn with gaps in their upper teeth? ... Fortune threw Ned Flanders a $100 bill? ... Mr. Burns knows Homer's name (even if he has to look at a list)? ... Burns mentions that someone "couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer", which is something you might expect a Yalie to say (Radcliffe being the "female Harvard")? Yuri Dieujuste: ... Burns's car horn sounds the same as Homer's car horn? ... Burns lives at 1000 Mammoth Lane? ... the check has no ZIP code or state? Harvey Diggs III: ... when Mr. Burns writes out the check to Homer to give some of the information is already written in it for him? Curtis Gibby: ... the high school float and the toy monster both looked like the actual monster? Dave Hall: ... SHL jumping through the hoop in the opening credits? ... Lisa didn't bother to get up after her fall? ... the shoplifting department has specials? ... the banjo-playing monkeys captivates Homer's attention? ... Homer actually carries at least $200 dollars around in his wallet? ... Sherry, Terri and Ralph are riding on the kiddie train? ... the wretched expression on the train engineer's face? ... Burns gives new meaning to back-seat driver? ... Homer could actually juggle? ... Burns writes with his right hand, not left handed as in 7F23? ... Homer's statue has two hair strands rooted at both ends? ... Jerry Rude wears his wristwatch on the right wrist? ... Burns and Homer don't wear seatbelts? ... Patty and Selma weren't smoking? ... Homer's hair strands fluttering when Nessie roars at him? Darrel Jones: ... Bart's penny is a 1996 Philadelphia mint? [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] ... Burns' Loch Ness Monster doll is wearing a gaucho hat and a "Macarena Madness" T-shirt? ... each letter in "Macarena" is a different color? Joe Klemm: ... the cattle prod shock sound is the same as the shock sound as "There's No Disgrace Like Home?" Ondre Lombard: ... Otto actually *was* listening to Judas Priest? (for the folks who haven't heard of early 80s metal bands such as JP.) [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] Travis D. McLemore Jr: ... Arthur Fortune on the cover of "Billionaire Beat"? ... Jerry Rude drinks from a toilet-shaped coffee mug? ... when we see Homer playing pinball, he's on his second ball with a score of 1010? Tom Rinschler: ... Jimbo running in front of OFF to see what the commotion is about? ... the Scottish Terrier in the pub? Benjamin Robinson: ... Marge wrote her duck poem on duck-shaped paper? ... Maggie seems to be interested in the duck poem? ... Mr. Burns watches the news on a rather old-fashioned TV? Evan Ross: ... the Loch Ness Monster screams like Marge? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Krusty, Quimby, Arthur {je}, Willie) - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Moe, Apu, Comic Book Guy, Carl, Frink, Man 1 {je}) - Harry Shearer (Announcer, Otto, Costner, Burns, Smithers, Wiggum, Ned, Hibbert, Brockman, Lenny, Pa (Willie's Dad), Man 2 {je}) - Special Guest Voice - Michael McKean (Jerry Rude) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Jimbo, Milhouse) - Tress MacNeille (Appraiser, Agnes, Horrified lady, Willie's Mom {je}) - Maggie Roswell (Receptionist) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "Can't Buy Me Love" (song) - title a play on the Beatles' song + "Been there, done that" (popular phrase) {er} - Bart's chalkboard gag: "I have not been there nor done it" + "Antiques Roadshow" (TV series) - "Cash In Your Legacy" a spoof + "The Lone Ranger" (TV series) {tdm} - Bart, riding a dog, says "Hi-yo, Silver!" + Dick Button (figure skater) {tdm} - "Dick's Button's" store + Virgin Megastores (chain of retail stores) - the Fortune Megastore is similar - the store logo is similar, too {tr} + "The Postman" (movie) - at the megastore, Lisa watches the DVD version this movie [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Richard Branson (founder of Virgin Megastores) - Arthur Fortune is modeled after him - has a penchant for riding in balloon [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + "Tiger Beat" magazine {tdm} + "Teen Beat" magazine {gw} - "Billionaire Beat" magazine + Howard Stern (talk radio host) - the Rude guy's show patterned after the king of all "shock jocks", complete with lesbians and risqué questions + "This Old Man" (children's song) {jk} - Knick-Knack and Patty Whack, the Siamese midgets ~ "Blaze" from American Gladiators {al} - She was a lesbian (and also the victim of a murder a few years ago) + "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" (children's TV series) - on the Rude Show, Jerry likens Burns to Skeletor, a character on the show who had a bare skull for a head + Washington [D.C.] Zoo pandas {jk} - Fortune donating two pandas to Springfield's zoo - [{dj} notes their names are Ling and Ping, and that they never mated - - Ed.] + "Jurassic Park" {jk} - 'copter scene at the end of the second act + "In Search Of ..." (documentary series) {hl} - documentary hosted by Leonard "Spock" Nimoy alluded to + "Biography" (TV series) {hl} - documentary series hosted by Peter Graves - "Star Trek" (TV series) {hl} - typical Scottyism heard - "Godzilla" (series of movies) {jg2} - the Loch Ness Monster's roar is similar + "Aliens" (movie) {er} - when Prof. Frink starts yelling "They're right on top of us!" is similar to the scene in which the aliens first appear in the film + the Macarena (dance step) {tr} - the Nessie doll's T-shirt mentions the faded dance craze + "King Kong" - giant monster captured to entertain crowds back home {bjr} - Mr. Burns not wanting pictures of Nessie taken and his reaction - Iran-Contra scandal {hl} - Reagan said "mistakes were made" during the scandal ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7G04] Many people get electric shocks {dj} - [7F20] Only known photo of General Sherman (catfish) looks like Nessie {hl} - [8F21] Spinal Tapp appears {hl} - [9F05] Burns kidnaps others to do his bidding {dj} - [1F08] scenes taking place at a casino {jg2} - [3F10], [3G01] Burns acts unusually pleasant under influence of painkillers {dj} - [3F14], [4F05] Smithers and conga lines {dj} - [3F16] Bart asks for a large sum of money and Homer is mysteriously able to give it to him {ol} - [3F31] Last episode to use the "production line" couch scene {dj} - [3G01] Leonard Nimoy's "In Search Of" is referenced("The Springfield Files") {jg2} - [4F24] "Lazy" Homer, Bart and Lisa {dj} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - In the conga lines {cg} - Fortune's -- Arthur Fortune, Dr. Hibbert, Ralph Wiggum, Chief Wiggum, Mrs. Krabappel, Krusty, Bart, Lisa, Marge, Homer, 9 unidentifiable nobodies. - Burns' -- Smithers. - Some people who "cashed in" their legacy {dh} - Herman (WWI German helmet) - Dr. Hibbert (antique vase) - Miss. Hoover (school books) - Comic Book Guy (collector's issue of Sad Sack) - Krusty (Seven branch Menorah) - Apu (statue of Ganeesha) - Skinner (antique musket rifle) - Moe (antique beer tap) - Some people at the grand opening of Fortune Megastore {dh} Apu Kearney Prof. Frink Burns Krusty Ralph Carl Larry Ruth Chief Wiggum Lenny Sam Comic Book Guy Mrs. Krabappel Sanjay Dolph Mrs. Lovejoy Skinner Dr. Hibbert Mrs. Skinner Smithers Jasper Ned Flanders The Simpson family Jimbo Otto Tom - Some departments at the Fortune Megastore {dh} Stereo Video Books Shoplifting Camera Magazines Coffee Nutrition Center - Some items Jimbo shoplifted {dh} - A Backpack - A pair of pruners - Headphones - Basketball - Some items Nelson shoplifted {dh} - A red hat - Two wristwatches - (and something under his shirt) - Some items Dolph shoplifted {dh} - Two golf clubs - Match coat and hat - Some kids riding the miniature train {dh} - Sherri and Terri - Janet - Ralph ~ Martin ~ Richard - Burns' check (No. 723 #6676095) gives his address as {dh} C. Montgomery Burns 1000 Mammon Lane Springfield, USA - Loch ness sign {cg} L O C H N E S S ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (waves) [Picture of] [ Nessie ] - Written on the toy monster {dh} Macarena Monster ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== = Bart stood beside Homer when Marge asks Homer where he got the champagne from, but either Bart vanishes or he "magically" turns into Noodles the Clown. {dh} * We clearly see the Fortune Megastore is open, and people are in the store, and the store is not that busy -- how come those idiot people are simply standing around outside the building? {dh} * "Fortune Megastore" is presumably based on "Virgin Megastore", yet a Virgin Megastore only carries music and videos (well, there's also Virgin Cola machines and the occasional Virgin Airways office). {ddg} = The scene first shown from The Postman clip shows bare telephone poles, when Lisa selects director commentary cables are dangling from the telephone poles. {dh} * A "director's commentary" track on a DVD does not put the director's image on the screen. {ddg} = Ralph rides the kiddie train inside the Fortune Megastore yet we later see him outside the store waiting with Chief Wiggum to get in. {dh} = Burns' electric prod vanishes shortly after he enters the Fortune Megastore. {dh} * Mohammed Ali can't walk unassisted, now that he has [Parkinson's disease]. {dj} = When Homer goes on to the stage to get his dollar from Arthur Fortune, it appears that he's actually handing Homer two or three dollars. {pm} = Although Fortune tosses $1 bills into the crowd, Ned picks up what looks like a $100 bill. {bjr} - Burns' reflection in the wine glass isn't reverse. (i.e. it's not a true reflection.) {dh} = Burns is holding a notepad and pen when he approaches Homer seeking help yet during the conversation Burns is holding nothing. Then, towards the end of the scene, the notepad and pen reappear. {dh} + Burns is left-handed. (See 7F23.) {dh} + Since when does Homer like Burns? {jg2} * If Homer didn't know the hospital was naming a wing after him, why did he pose for that statue? {jg2} - Intro shot of dinner scene doesn't show the plate on the table in front of Burns. {dh} = Right after Burns walks past Homer in his morphine-enhanced stupor, one of Homer's eyes starts moving uncontrollably for a second. {ddg} + Willie's father was hung for stealing a pig, according to "I Love Lisa (9F13)," so he could not appear in tonight's show. + Also in "Who Shot Burns" when he was burying the class gerbil he said his father's corpse was thrown into a bog. {hl} * The water would drain back into the lake -- it's the lowest spot around. {cg} * Aberdeen is on the opposite coast of Scotland to the Loch Ness. [It might have been a cross-country game, though -- Ed.] {sjt} = The railing on the SS Springfield in the last act changes between shots. {cg} c During the Nessie in Springfield part, Burns mentioned the greatest wonders of the world. One of them he said was the voice of Jim Nabors, but the closed caption said "Mr. Roebuck's catalog". {ka} = What was with the size of Nessie at the end?! It was a gargantuan monster in Loch Ness and at the harbour, but in the casino, it was no taller than the ceiling! {mb} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Nathan DeHoff: This is the first Burns episode in some time, but, unfortunately, it's not a very good episode. Burns's attempts to be loved really aren't all that funny, and too much emphasis is placed on violent or gory bits [...] and dumb sight gags. The Howard Stern take-off wasn't much of a parody, and the Loch Ness monster bit came out of nowhere, and had a weak resolution. Also, speaking of weak resolutions, Arthur Fortune pretty much disappears after providing a catalyst for the plot. Some of the more absurd bits, such as Burns's cow-catcher, the shoplifting department, Frink's frog exaggerator, and Burns's unexplained overpowering of Nessie, were pretty funny, but the episode was quite weak overall. Grade: (D) Yuri Dieujuste: Poor execution and a lack of funny jokes has caused this episode to implode on itself. A poor plot line does not help either. I guess the writers can not write a Burns episode correctly any more. Grade 4.0/10.0 (F) Jordan Eisenberg: It'd be great if the staff finally decided to do more than just a handful of Mr. Burns scenes each year, but if they continue to write for him as poorly as they've been doing for the past two seasons, this may be the very way to go. Aside from Burns himself, the plot wasn't all that creative, the jokes weren't all that funny or unpredictable, and a lot of it just seemed stupid. At least I found everything _before_ Mr. Burns' first appearance pretty funny (especially the "shoplifting department"), and the "King Kong" twist was a nice touch. (D+) Alexei S. Esikoff: The first act seemed very promising ... back in old Simpsons territory. But after that ... Where did Smithers go? Where did Fortune go? Where did Bart, Lisa, and Marge go? There were some good gags, especially Willy's parents. And Homer was in good form, not a jerkass. His last bit of dialogue with Burns was true to both characters. But it could have been better. The beginning had so much potential to veer off in a number of satiric directions --shots at big business or the strange lives of billionaires. I wish Fortune stayed around and he and Burns actually became rivals. He would have been an interesting character to develop. The Nessie stuff was just silly ... besides, we all know the Loch Ness monster doesn't really exist, right? Right? (B-) Joe Green: Much better than what I was expecting (judging from those lame Fox promos). It was nice to see an episode that didn't rely on cheap laughs about Homer's stupidity/obnoxiuousness. It looks like Swartzwelder is back on top after a string of episodes that ranged from uneven to mediocre. (A) Dan Hogg: Uh ... okay. The first act was all right, but I thought the episode would have more about Arthur Fortune after that. Instead we got a kind of weak plot (Mr. Burns wants to be loved). And, come on, we are all so sick of seeing Homer involved in the story, even if he wasn't the main character this time. The Jerry Rude bit was funny, as was Homer with the oversized check. However, I could see the joke w/the silver dollars from a mile away, and that Lenny & Carl scene afterwards was uncalled for. The Loch Ness bit was completely also far-fetched. And whatever happened to that Megastore, anyway? (C-) Carl Johnson: Another episode that could have been written by four-year olds. The overabundance of tasteless jokes, plus the whole thing about Nessie destroyed what could have been a great "rivalry" episode. The billionaire in question disappeared within 5 minutes, and Mr. Burns's schemes fell way flat. Highlights were the description of the bad billionaire, and Homer's saying, "To be liked you have to go out and do things, but to be hated you don't have to do squat." That's (sadly) the best Simpsons saying of 1999, a pretty fine axiom. I suppose the irony this season is this: The chalkboard gags are great. Couch gags, never been better. Plots, full of potential, hope. The show sucks. Weird. [...] Sadly, this isn't anywhere near the worst episode this season. (B-) Darrel Jones: The best episode in some time. Great to see Burns being himself. In fact, great to see Burns period. The plot was wonderfully done, and got delightfully wacky during Act Three (especially the ending). The only bad part was the grotesque humor after Lenny got hit by a silver dollar. An 8/10. (A-) Joe Klemm: A fun episode for one that is centered around Mr. Burns. Sure everyone will probably consider this a wacky Homer episode, but this is more specifically a Mr. Burns episode. The plot was well set up, and the Loch Ness bit was able to be good for the spoiler that was on the page even in just one act. However, I'm wondering what's the deal with the TV-14 rating, since this is normal for a Simpsons episode. (B) Haynes Lee: A lot like the "Trouble With Trillions." This show would have been a lot better with more Arthur Fortune or Gerry Rude (if Fox censors would have allowed it). (C-) Jake Lennington: Welll, it certainly was a mixed bag. Homer wasn't as asinine as much and we got to see a lot of Monty. The BIG downer of this episode was the coin-to-the head w/Lenny. That was not funny and it was in bad taste. "Oh my god, they injured Lenny!" (B) Andrew Levine: The first two acts were dull and not very funny. The final act had much better jokes, although I thought that the bit with the monster was quite cartoonish. This episode lacked Mr. Burns' anachronistic references that enliven his' character (and made "Homer the Smithers" such an enjoyable episode). Overall there was too much lowbrow and forced humor. (C) Ondre Lombard: This episode was entertaining and funny and semi-different, as it revolved around Mr. Burns for once caring whether or not people like him or not. It went well until the plot decided to take the most absurd turn in Act Three and start the characters on a journey for the Loch Ness Monster. Consequently, act three bored me for the most part, with only two good parts: Homer for once indicating that he has an appreciation for courtesy, and Homer in the kilt. Another low point for this episode was Lenny and the coin, which was as bad as the sliced arm gag in Realty Bites. (C) Patrick McGovern: Hmmm ... I anticipated this a LOT, but it didn't live up to expectations. However, it still wasn't bad at all, and definitely not as bad as some curmudgeons here have said. There are tons of great gags: The population of Loch Ness, Burns destroying himself King Kong style, and every scene featuring Richard Bran ... err, Arthur Fortune and Gerry Rude. Of course, the third act was just painful at times, mainly the nonsensical very end. A subplot here would've done wonders. And as a side note, Michael McKean does a GREAT Howard Stern voice! (B-) Tom Rinschler: As Burns himself said, "That didn't go well". The plot was disjointed and jumpy, as if they had three different stories and attempted to patch them together as best as possible, and then did a poor job of it. (A better story line would have Burns and Fortune attempting to outlandishly outspend each other, until a wily Burns caused Fortune to spend himself into poverty.) At least there were a few good jokes to keep this from being a complete flop. (C-) Jason Rosenbaum: Despite having the best quote of the season ("I'm not even that easily impressed ... ooh! A blue car!"), this episode totally missed the mark. The beginning stunk, the overall plot wasn't that interesting, and the ending was a bit nonsensical. Although it didn't demolish Burn's character like in "The Old Man And Lisa," it didn't help it either. (D+) S. J. Treano: The episode started well, and had a few good gags, but almost everything after (and including) "A Sober Irishman?" just sucked. And the idea of finding the Loch Ness Monster was one of the silliest things that has been done on the Simpsons, because it crossed that line from realistic animated sitcom to zany, out-of-this-world cartoon. However there were good moments like "Wow! A Blue Car!", so it gets a: (C) Yours Truly: Fortunately, this show has a great concept: Burns tries to improve his public image. Unfortunately, this show has a not-so-great execution. Burns makes the weird decision to enlist Homer's help, and Homer makes the equally weird decision to give that help. Also, the tone was too off-the-wall for my preference. Fortunately, the show does have some good moments, especially in the first act. Don't miss the sound bite when the Gracie Logo appears; it's one of the funniest moments of the show. (C+) AVERAGE GRADE: C+ (2.30) Std Dev.: 1.0124 (28 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> This program was exceedingly graphic and should not have been viewed by young children In the United States, this episode was broadcast with a rating of TV-14-DL, indicating the show has some content that perhaps should not be viewed by young children. This is more "restrictive" than the show's usual rating of TV-PG. (I put "restrictive" in quotes because there's nothing preventing anyone from watching, regardless of age.) Some members of guessed at what triggered the new rating. Aaron Matthews starts by wondering: Since when is it TV-14? Gary Wilson answers: Since Lenny gets impaled by a silver dollar and spurts blood all of the place, I suppose. Sarah Culp: I assumed it was due to parts of the radio show segment. "shep9882": I thought it was what was under Homer's kilt. Ellen Cohen: Don't forget Burns' wiener-swallowing. Todd Emerson: I'm guessing that the whole rating for tonight's show was based solely on the banter between Monty and the Howard Sternesque shock jock on KBBL. The L is for language, and I believe the D is for dialogue. I could be wrong, though. Little help, here! Don Del Grande: My guess is for Burns saying "farting". Note that while this episode is rated TV-14, the episode of "Family Guy" that originally followed it was only rated TV-PG. Ondre Lombard adds: That and perhaps the Rude DJ asking Mr. Burns how long his genital is. (the word "penis" or any reference to it tends to give any Fox show an instant TV-14 rating.) I find this sort of peculiar considering Natural Born Kissers came inches away from showing The Full Monty for both Homer and Marge. I suppose since there weren't jokes like "How long is your wiener?" it was able to slide by. *shrug* Does nothing but prove how arbitrary and useless the TV ratings are. Eric Sansoni: I'm sure it was the Howard Stern-esque scene which caused the rating. IMO this is totally justified. It's not the depiction of sex which I feel should be offensive, but the way it's depicted. The crass way Stern handles it is clearly much more unhealthy for younger viewers than simply seeing a mom and dad type get affectionate, in the entirely innocent way they did in Natural Born Kissers. NBK is one of the most innocent depictions of sexual material I've ever seen on television, which is why I found it utterly charming. By contrast the Stern parody was almost offensive even to me who often enjoys the real Stern show. This was virtually a direct copy of the grossest stuff Stern's ever done. >> If it's good once, it'll be good five times Mike Smith notes: It [the "chorus line" couch gag] is first used in "Lisa's First Word" (Aired December 3, 1992)and then, used again in "I Love Lisa", "The Front", "Cape Feare", and "Fear Of Flying" (Not to mentioned "The 138th Episode Spectacular"). >> Musical Reference David Puckett somewhat breathlessly relates: I've looked through the capsule submissions that have been posted so far (and the replies to them) and so far, no one has mentioned yet that the song that was playing during Arthur Fortune's little entrance was Alice Cooper's "Billion Dollar Babies." I thought this was pretty cool, coming right on the heels of Alice's new box set [POORLY VEILED PLUG]. I'm guessing it was the original studio version, including Glen Buxton et. al. (although it's kind of hard to tell on my pathetic television speakers). Man were they ever one tight band! [STILL MORE POORLY VEILED PLUG]. If you don't believe me, go out and buy the new box set, "The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper", available in music stores of taste everywhere! [SHAMELESS BLATANT PLUG] ["Huh? Who is Alice Cooper?" -- Mark J. Finegold] Todd Emerson adds: Two METAL songs [appear] in tonight's episode: "Living After Midnight" by Judas Priest, and "Billion Dollar Babies" by Alice Cooper. Coincidence that these would appear on the same episode guest- starring Michael McKean, a.k.a. David St. Hubbins of the world's loudest metal band, Spinal Tap? Hmmm ... >> Huh? Who is Judas Priest? Haynes Lee: Judas Priest [was a] heavy metal band from the 1980s Todd Emerson: Actually, their first album was released in 1973 (and they're currently in the studio preparing another one! Rock on!). Unlike their native England, they didn't achieve any real mainstream success in the States until the '80s, though. >> "Ooh, I heard this really sucks!" Joe Klemm: "The Postman" is a 1997 bomb starring Kevin Costner as post- apocalyptic man who attempts to restart the U.S. by restarting the postal service. However, the plot, written by the same guy who wrote the same script as "L.A. Confidential," was awful, and the high-budget film was running the same time as "Titanic." As a result, the film bombed and it became a real stinker that even the writer regretted doing. Speaking of whom, Jeff Cross names the writer, and elaborates on "The Postman's" undoing: "The Postman" by David Brin was one of those patriotic post-apocalypse novels that hounded the eighties; this one was about a drifter who poses as a mailman after the fall of the US and pretends that the government is back in business. The Kevin Costner movie didn't even break even and only lasted three weeks in the theaters. My theories as to the causes of such a lackluster draw are 1) It was up against "Titanic," which was giving all other films at the time the Microsoft competitors' rush to video. 2) The trailers for the film gave it the appearance that it was a huge rock 'n' roll action flick, but it dragged and seemed more like an anti-militia remake of "Dances With Wolves." 3) Sir Thomas More said "Patriotism is a virtue of the wicked." In the post-Vietnam world, it's become politically incorrect to stand up and fight for your country. >> A bad penny always returns So, how do we *know* Bart's penny was minted in Philadelphia? Don Del Grande explains: The lack of mint mark below the date means it's a Philadelphia penny; "D" would indicate Denver and "S" San Francisco, although the San Francisco mint hasn't made any general circulation coins in years. >> The lovable billionaire Benjamin Robinson: That would be Richard Branson of Virgin [insert name of enterprise here]. Branson is young(ish), brash, and personable, all of which most CEO's aren't. In the business world, his interests range from high-visibility industries like music and movie production, to slightly more mundane businesses like air transport and media retailing, to offbeat ones like air tours in vintage airplanes. Outside the office, Branson pursued a range of flamboyant activities, most recently attempting to become the first man to fly around the world on a balloon. He didn't make it, and after a few expensive rescue attempts some critics began wondering if maybe he should take up stamp collecting or something for a hobby. Perhaps Monty should have waited for something similar to happen to Arthur Fortune. Andrew Gill provides more information about the ballooning angle: Most every aviation feat has been broken years ago. Most, that is, except one small little feat in ballooning. Until just a few weeks ago, no man had ever circumnavigated the globe in a hot-air balloon. The reasons had been largely political (Libya and China sometimes refused to let people cross their airspace), rather than technical. One of the favorites to break the record was the C.E.O. of Virgin Enterprises, who seems to be the model for Mr. Fortune. David Zahnd: In defense of the Chinese (they are, after all paying for my car), arranging these balloon flights requires rerouting of commercial domestic and international air traffic. In a country like China, that is enough aviation over a large enough area to be a legitimate pain in the butt, for the Western Capitalist Swine playing with their billions. Speaking of billionaires, Benjamin Robinson goes on to say: Adam Sandler is a former "Saturday Night Live" alum who has made it big with movies like "The Wedding Singer." He's widely castigated by movie critics for making really dumb movies, but he's laughing all the way to the bank. >> Ach, it'll take more than that to kill a Scotsman! In "I Love Lisa (9F13)," Willie said his father was hanged. Many people noticed how he seemed to have come back from the dead just for this episode. David Brunt takes a stab at explaining this inconsistency: It's historically proven that someone can be hanged for a limited time and still survive if released. I think it's around a minute or two - though it depends on the windpipe not being crushed by a rope. There was supposedly an olde clause that if a person was not killed by hanging, they were pardoned. Hence the rumours of prisoners putting metal rods and the like in their windpipe to protect it from being crushed. In any case, hanging was outlawed in Britain in the mid-1960s. Unless Willie's father was hanged before then (or in another country, 'bogs' probably refer more to Ireland than Scotland - but the *no hanging* legislation still covers that), it's a writing error. I hope somebody was ... Oh, who cares! Andrew Gill writes: That's lynching. Hanging snaps the neck. Instantly. Lynching asphyxiates the person. The few states that still allow execution by hanging have to make sure that the rope's not too short, or the person will slowly die over minutes. They also have to make sure that the rope isn't too long, or else the head will be torn off, according to one source (very theatrical, possibly true, but I wouldn't quote me on it). David Brunt: I knew there was *another* reason for the metal bar in the throat - it stopped the neck being snapped. Think about it - the throat is solid, the neck can't bend and snap under the pressure of the rope. So, my earlier posting was correct. In a way ... I see your point though. I recall that when the 'Official Hangman' retired (what a title to have!!), the papers over here ran his memoirs. He did mention the bar trick, plus the long/short rope story. So, I suppose they must be true. Meanwhile, Tom Rinschler has another theory: Maybe Willie's mother married her late husband's (twin?) brother, who subsequently raised the boy, and was henceforth fondly remembered by the grateful boy as his father. >> Here Nessie, Nessie, Nessie ... Benjamin Robinson writes: One of the world's most durable legends is that Loch Ness, Scotland, is inhabited by a giant creature resembling a water- going brontosaurus. Speculation was fueled by a famous photo allegedly taken by two men, showing Nessie's head rising from the surface of the Loch on a fog-bound morning. Everybody had an opinion as to what it was. Many scientists figured it was a fraud. Others felt it was a natural phenomenon, like a log that happened to be floating on the surface. Still others thought there may be a yet-undiscovered creature, hiding in the waters of the Loch. (It isn't =quite= as far- fetched as you think. A ceolenocath [sic], a type of prehistoric fish, was caught off the coast of Madagascar long after it was supposed to be extinct.) In the end, the doubters were right, at least about the photo: One of the men confessed on his deathbed that the picture was a hoax. Human nature being what it is, I doubt that this will be the last we hear from Nessie. Tom Rinschler adds: Except of course, Loch Ness was covered by a mile-deep glacier during the ice ages (in other words, most of the last few million years or so). And the river connecting Loch Ness to the sea is too shallow for a Nessie-sized monster to swim up. >> Car Watch Megastore Benjamin Robinson: The purple car in front of the button store looks like a Mazda Miata. The car in front of the bookmobile lady's former house is definitely a Fiat X1/9. Burns' car sports a "RR" on the grille, marking it as positively a Rolls- Royce, as opposed to the Rolls-Royce knockoff that I had assumed it was. Note that Burns replaced the flying lady hood mascot with an atom figure. >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Monty Parts Jordan Eisenberg's Alterna-alterna-title: "The Trouble With Millionaires" Jake Lennington suggests: "Bad Will Hunting" Haynes Lee: Knocking out Mohammed Ali is quite tasteless since he does now have Parkinson's disease. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {jp2} ============================================================================== % Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie lie in front of the TV. Announcer: And welcome back now to "Cash In your Legacy". This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield. [Moe sits at a table with the appraiser] Appraiser: This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed. Moe: Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but, heh, it's been such a century. Appraiser: At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars, except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer rocks". Homer: And I do. Whoo! Appraiser: Appraised value: $15. Moe: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him! [grabs Skinner's antique gun from him, but it disintegrates] Aw, geez. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Marge comes in the family room. Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk? Homer: We stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry. Marge: Oh, come on! Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy. Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm just ... um ... uh ... Lisa, finish my sentence for me. Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn ... [falls asleep and off the couch] Marge: Fine, if we're not going for a walk, we'll just talk about our day. I wrote another poem about a duck! -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % So, the Simpsons go for a walk down the street. Homer: Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain. Barney: [drives by in a car] Get a horse! Homer: Can we, Marge? Can we get a horse? Marge: We're walking, Homer. Homer: There's some dogs. We could all ride dogs. [some dogs eat from a garbage can] Marge: Forget it, Homer. No one's riding any-- Bart: [rides by on a dog] Heigh-oh, Silver, away! [the dog chases its tail in a circle and Bart falls off] -- Family walk, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % They continue walking. Marge: Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn! ...but you don't want to buy your buttons there. Homer: [to Bart] Phew. Well, I dodged a bullet. Marge: Now, there's the place you want to buy your buttons. And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live! Bart: [to Homer] If you love me, you'll kill me. -- Family walk, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Lisa is the first to spot a big celebration in the street. Marge: Looks like something exciting's happening. Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper. Lisa: Why can't we see it now? Marge: Well, it's not really on our walking route. [but the rest of the family is gone] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Marge gives up and follows the crowd to the front of the Fortune Megastore, % which is celebrating its grand opening. Homer sips champagne he gets from a % clown named Noodles. Marge can't believe all the fuss is just for a store. Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. "Mega" means "good", and "store" means "thing". -- Homer, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % The people are finally allowed in the store. It is filled with many % departments spanned across three stories. There are lots of escalators, a % fountain, and an oculus. As the Simpsons walk in, Homer scratches his butt % in front of a camcorder. The image is projected all across the megastore. % Dolph, Nelson, and Jimbo come out of the shoplifting department where they % have been busy shoplifting. Nelson decides that he'll be doing all his % theivin' there. Marge: This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart! [overhearing this, Apu whimpers] I'm sorry, but it really is. Apu: Yes, I know, but still ... [whimpers] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Bart runs over to Homer. Bart: Hey, Dad, gimme 50 bucks. I gotta buy some things. Uh, better make it a hundred. [Homer hands him a bill] Lisa: Yeah, me, too. [Homer hands her a bill] Marge: Homer, don't you think you're spoiling-- [Homer hands Marge a bill and she is satisfied] -- Homer's financial plan, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At a music listening station, Otto complains that the so-called "new music" % is ripping off Judas Priest. He takes off the store's headphones from over % his own headphones. % % Lisa watches "The Postman" on a big screen TV. Lisa: Ooh, I hear this really sucks. [she presses a button for director's commentary and Kevin Costner appears in a split screen] Costner: I'm sorry. I am really sorry. Ugh, ah, I don't know what I was thinking, but "Field of Dreams" was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again. Lisa: Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. Costner: Aw, thanks, you're sweet to say that. Lisa: Uh ... where are you? Costner: [steps out from behind the TV] I'm back here. Hi, will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No, no crusts. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At a kiddie train ride, Bart flattens a penny on the track and derails the % train. % % In front of the store, Smithers is driving for Mr. Burns, but can't get % through all the pedestrians. Mr. Burns reaches from the back seat to honk % the horn. In a hurry to demolish an orphanage, Mr. Burns gives the order to % use the cowcatcher. Smithers pushed a button causing the car's front grill % to turn into a cowcatcher. It succeeds in pushing most people aside as the % car resumes driving, but the Comic Book Guy gets stuck and the car is % stopped. % % Mr. Burns gives up on driving through and decides to see what's going on. % He gets people out of his way by zapping them with a cattle prod. He and % Smithers make it into the store. Burns: [condescending] Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? [smiles and looks around] Smithers: Uh, I don't see one, sir. Burns: Of course not. The very notion of a talking banana is absurd. [disappointed] But still... -- Mr. Burns in the Fortune Megastore, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % The lights dim and a fanfare plays. Mayor Quimby makes an announcement from % a central stage. Quimby: Attention, good shoppers of Springfield, someone very special has just entered the store. The world's most popular billionaire... Burns: Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me. Quimby: Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune! Burns: Wha?! -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Arthur Fortune lowers into the store in a hot air balloon through the % oculus. Arthur: Hello, Springfield! Crowd: Hello, Arthur! Arthur: [gets out of the balloon onto the stage] You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life: I went down Mt. Everest on a boogeyboard... [clip is shown on TV display] Crowd: Ooh. Arthur: ...climbed Niagara Falls... [clip] Crowd: Ooh! Arthur: ...and just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. [clip of Arthur ringing a doorbell with boxing gloves; Ali comes to the door, and Arthur punches him] Marge: Oh, how awful. Arthur: But this is the biggest thrill ever, the opening of my 112th store! [crowd cheers] -- What could be better?, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" Arthur: Now, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for my accountant today. It seems I have too much money. Who wants a dollar?! [waves dollar bill in the air] Homer: [above rest of crowd] I do!! [goes onstage] Arthur: Ha! Alright, what's your name, young man? Homer: [tugs at dollar] I don't know. Just give me the dollar. Arthur: [lets Homer take the bill] Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune! Now, who wants a second dollar? Homer: I do. Arthur: Well, alright, here. Now-- Homer: I do! Arthur: Oh, the heck with it. [pulls many dollars from a sand bag on the hot air balloon] Dollars for everyone! [throws the money to the crowd] Crowd: [chanting] Fortune! Fortune! Fortune! Fortune! -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" Burns: That man's totally insane. Ned: [standing next to Burns, picks up a $100 bill] Well this goes right into the old poor box. Burns: Not so fast, old chum. [zaps Ned with cattle prod and takes the bill] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Arthur Fortune leads a conga line, singing "We love Arthur Fortune; he gave % us a dollar". Burns: Oh, that flamboyant fop. He's got them eating out of his hands. Smithers: Well, you have to admit, he *is* charismatic, sir. Burns: Oh, bosh! Anyone can lead a conga line. Hop to it, Smithers! [Smithers starts dancing] Conga, conga, conga! We love Monty Burns more! Conga like you mean it! Please don't make me shock you! -- Battle of the billionaire conga lines, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % In his mansion, Mr. Burns sits in a chair with a drink watching the TV news. Brockman: Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat, Arthur Fortune. Burns: Oh, the man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man? Brockman: This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser, brooding in his cavernous mansion... Burns: Bah! [echoing] Bah! Bah! Bah! Brockman: ...grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, clawlike fingers... [Burns smiles] ...and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face. Burns: [frowns] I thought I had everything: money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth, but what's it all worth when nobody likes you? Smithers: I like you, sir. Burns: Are you still here?! -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % [End of Act One. Time: 7:59] % % At the power plant, Homer carefully picks up three plutonium rods through % the arm protectors and then juggles them. Homer drops the rods when he's % startled by Mr. Burns coming in and calling his name (read from his % notebook). Burns: I need your help. I want to be loved. Homer: [uneasy] I see.... Well, I'll need some beer. Burns: I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. Homer: [wistfully] Oh, Arthur Fortune. [sighs] Burns: Yes! That's the look I'm looking for! What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? Homer: Well, you don't have to call me "slovenly". Burns: Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need. Tell me more, fatty. -- Mr. Burns enlists Homer's help, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % On top of a tall building, Mr. Burns and Homer throw silver dollars to the % people below. Instead of being grateful, the people run in terror of the % heavy coins. As Lenny and Carl walk down the sidewalk, one of the silver % dollars gets lodged in Lenny's forehead. Frantically, Carl removes the % silver dollar, but that causes blood to spurt out, so he puts it back. Lenny: That was a close one! Want to go bowling? Carl: Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain. Lenny: Maybe you should mind your own business. [a woman walks by] Afternoon, miss. [takes out his coin like tipping a hat, blood spurts] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At Mr. Burns' office at the plant, Mr. Burns browses "Billionaire Beat" % magazine and talks to Homer. Burns: I can't believe it. I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires. I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake! Homer: Well, how about donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that. Burns: A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything. [takes out a giant check and fills it out] Take this check for $200,000 to the Springfield Hospital. Homer: Can do. [folds the check many times and puts it in his pants pocket, but as he leaves, it comes unfolded, still in his pants] Burns: Now there's nothing to do but sit back and wait for the kudos to roll in. [night comes and crickets chirp; Mr. Burns presses a button for cricket poison] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At the hospital. Mr. Burns: Where are my kudos? Receptionist: [looks in book] No, we don't have any record of you giving the hospital any money, Mr. Burns. Oh, but we did get a very generous donation from a Mr. Homer Simpson. Mr. Burns: What?! [punches and kicks a metal statue of Homer hugging children] It's not fair! It's not fair! [to receptionist] Morphine, please. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Mr. Burns eats dinner at the Simpsons' house with the family. Homer: Wait a minute, because *I* brought the check, they named a wing after *me*? [laughs hysterically] Oh, you must be mad. Burns: Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then... [dances around humming happily] Homer: Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns and not the silver dollar throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you. Lisa: Yeah, if you want to change your image, you've got to get your face out there... [looks at Burns's hideous face] ...on the radio. Burns: That's it! The radio! I'll go on the most popular program of the day. I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club? Bart: Oh, get with the times, man. It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch. Marge: Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show. Burns: What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough vo-dee-oh-doo? [everyone stares at him] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At the radio station, Jerry Rude finishes interviewing Knickknack and % Paddywhack, a pair of conjoined twins with a show on Fox. In case Mr. Burns % gets in trouble, Homer gives him a list of jokes he wrote on how white % people are different from black people. Mr. Burns goes into the recording % room. Rude: How are you doing, Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show. Burns: I'm pleased to-- Rude: Alright, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. Homer: [to lesbian gladiators] You see, white people have names like "Lenny" whereas black people have names like "Carl". [only he laughs, and the gladiators walk away] Zoom! [makes the "going over their heads" gesture] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" Burns: Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport, so if you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews, you have at it! Rude: Uh-huh... Alright, how many times a day do you go to the can? Burns: Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? Rude: We're on the air now, Skeletor. Burns: What?! Rude: Question two: How long is your wiener, seriously? Burns: Great heavens! What kind of radiola show is this? Rude: How about this -- when was your first gay experience? Burns: Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time! Oh-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day. Rude: Oh, that sounds lovely. [coughs "queer"] Um, ever murder anybody? Burns: Murder? Well, mistakes have been made. Rude: Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that? Burns: Oh, now see here-- [Rude presses a button making fart noises] Stop that! Attention wireless listeners, most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me! Oh stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting! [collapses on the floor] Rude: Don't worry, folks, he's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life. [makes fart noises] -- Mr. Burns's radio interview, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Homer drives Mr. Burns. Burns: That didn't go well, did it? Homer: Good thing those lesbians knew CPR. Burns: Oh, what's the use? I'll never be a popular beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune. Homer: [wistfully] Oh, Arthur Fortune. [sighs] Do you know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas *and* got them to mate successfully! Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people? Homer: Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car! Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time. Homer: A sober Irishman? Burns: Even rarer. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Mr. Burns and Homer take a helicopter to Loch Ness. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 5:54 Running Time: 13:53] % % Groundskeeper Willie works on setting up camp while Professor Frink sets up % equipment. Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy *and* Peter Graves. Burns: Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer. Frink: [taking equipment out of a crate] Let's see now, we have the monsterometer, flipper finder, hoaxiscope, which is important for the looking and finding. Willie: Ach, the whole town's turned out. I've never seen them so excited. [a woman, two men, and an additional couple stand there watching and not looking very excited] Homer: Hey, Willie, that old couple looks just like you. Willie: Aye, 'tis my ma and pa. They own a tavern hereabouts. They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born, and educated. [walks to his parents] Ma: So, you're back, son. Willie: Aye. Pa: I suppose you'll be leaving soon. Willie: Aye. [all shrug and part] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Homer tries to get in an old-fashioned diving suit, but has trouble getting % a buckle around his waist. Willie just stands there and Frink uses the % flipper finder. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for? Homer: Um, to work in your power plant? Willie: You're not paying *me* anything. Frink: You *kidnapped* me. I remember it distinctly with the grabbing, duct taping, tennis ball in the mouth. It hurt me. Burns: The beast looks something like this [takes out a plush Loch Ness monster with a hat and shirt], only without the saucy T-shirt. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Homer wears an old-fashioned diving suit. Giving his group the thumbs-up, % he wades into the Loch. Hours later, Willie, Burns, and Frink still wait % for Homer to return. His air tube goes into the lake, across the bottom, % out the other side, and into the Loch Ness Pub. There, Homer plays pinball % with the suit still on. % % That evening, everyone takes a break, except for Professor Frink, who is % using one of his devices. Frink: Oh, my great good God. Gentlemen, your attention, please. I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life form! It's 80 meters long and it's heading this way! Oh, good glavin, it's on my shoe! It's a ... a small frog. Just get off. Just get off. Get out! Get out! [shakes the frog off his shoe] Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute, this isn't the monsterometer, it's the frog exaggerator! Burns: We're the laughingstock of the town! [the five people stand there looking mildly annoyed] Homer: Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We're gonna find that monster no matter how long it takes. [wearing a kilt, giddy] Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt. [giggles] Can you believe I'm a size four? [spins, causing the kilt to rise and show he's not wearing underwear] Whoo! Pa: Ach. Man 1: Aye. Burns: Oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal that has 24 miles of water to hide in. Drain the lake. Willie: What?! Burns: You heard me. Deploy the delochinator. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Professor Frink uses a hand pump to remove the water. As the lake is almost % empty, the nearby town is flooded. % % Looking through binoculars, Mr. Burns thinks he sees the monster, but it's % just Loch Ness's old homecoming float. Homer disagrees with the message % "Stomp Aberdeen" written on the float. % % Just then, the real Loch Ness monster crushes the float with one flipper and % lets out a mighty roar. Homer identifies the creature by comparing it to % the plush toy. Willie, Frink, and Homer don't want to try to overpower it, % so Mr. Burns decides to do it himself. He takes of his jacket and tie, and % rolls up his sleeves. % % Soon, the monster is tied up, dangling from the helicopter. Inside the % helicopter: Willie: That was amazing, Mr. Burns! Burns: I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest. And now, for my triumphant return to Springfield. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Out on a pier, a stage is set up as many Springfieldians wait for the show % to start. Kent Brockman reports on the event. Brockman: Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat, and it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way, girls, he's single! Selma: Single? Well, he passes the Selma test. [sprays breath freshener] -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Mr. Burns walks onstage. Thank you everyone. And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world -- the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice -- I give you the Loch Ness monster! -- Mr. Burns, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % The curtains open, revealing Nessie wading in an aquarium. The crowd cheers % and chants "Monty". For that moment, Mr. Burns is happy. % % The monster raises its head and everyone starts taking pictures with the % flashes on. Mr. Burns warns everyone that they'll enrage the beast, but % Nessie just coos and smiles. After a lot more flash photography, Mr. Burns % is blinded and stumbles into a crane camera, which knocks over speakers and % lights, starting fires. The crowd runs away and Nessie just stays in the % aquarium. Wait, don't go! Love meeee!! -- Mr. Burns, "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % Later, Homer and Mr. Burns sit at the end of the dock. Homer: Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. [Mr. Burns sighs] But, you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day, but to be hated, you don't have to do squat! Burns: You know, perhaps you're right! I got so swept over the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am -- I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo. [Nessie rubs his head against Burns and Homer and coos] Homer: So, what do we do with our friend, here? Throw him in the dumpster? Burns: Oh, no, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % At Vegas Town Casino, Nessie supervises as Homer pulls a slot machine lever % and loses. Burns: Tough luck, Simpson. Homer: Come on, Nessie! One more pull! [Nessie bellows] Okay, okay. Want a shrimp cocktail? Nessie: [shakes his head, "Nah"] Homer: Yeah, they're not great. -- "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" % [End of Act Three. Time: 6:15 Total Time: 20:27] % % The Gracie Credit sound is Lisa reprising, "Ooh, I hear this really sucks!" ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {al} Andrew Levine {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {cg} Curtis Gibby {ddg} Don Del Grande {dh} Dave Hall {dj} Darrel Jones {er} Evan Ross {gw} Gary Wilson {hl} Haynes Lee {jac} James A. Cherry {je} Jordan Eisenberg {jg2} Joe Green {jk} Joe Klemm {jp2} Jerry P. {ka} Kevin Anderson {mb} Mike Bloxam {ol} Ondre Lombard {pm} Peter Mielke {sjt} S J. Treano {tdm} Travis D. McLemore_Jr {tr} Tom Rinschler ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2001 Jerry P. This capsule has been brought to you by Fortune Enterprises, Inc. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.