Simpsons Bible Stories                                    Written by Tim Long,
                                                  Larry Doyle, and Matt Selman
                                                       Directed by Nancy Kruse
==============================================================================
Production code: AABF14                    Original Airdate on FOX: 4-Apr-1999
Capsule revision A (26-Jun-01)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   [ClickTV] Network Series / Sitcom (TV-PG)(30 min)(Surround Sound)(Animated)
   The Simpsons doze off during the Rev. Lovejoy's sermon and dream they are
   Bible characters.  Voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy
   Cartwright and Yeardley Smith.  {bp}

   [Canadian TV Guide] The Simpsons have a religious non-awakening when Rev.
   Lovejoy's droning sermon puts the family to sleep.  {hl}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     I CANNOT ABSOLVE SINS

                I CANNOT ABSOL         at cutoff

Couch:          Five banana peels litter the ground in front of the couch.
                Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa run in, slip on the peels, and do
                perfect backflips onto the couch.  Maggie runs in, slips the
                same way, and lands safely on Marge's lap.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... according to the tombstone on Bart's dream, Ralph the shepherd was five
       years old?
   ... the Orb of Isis [(from "Lost Our Lisa {5F17)"] is in the tomb Milhouse
       and Lisa are trapped in?
   ... the hand of God (or Flanders) had only four fingers in Marge's dream?
       [The Almighty is customarily shown with five, even on "The Simpsons." -
       - Ed.]
   ... Bart wears the same type of belt worn by champion boxers and wrestlers?

Gareth Barsby:
   ... the kids [built] an evil trap in the pyramid?

Danny C:
   ... Goliath could stab Grandpa (don't remember his character name on this
       ep) with a little, human sized knife, but still fit Bart on his thumb?
       A giant with very steady hands :)

Ellen A. Cohen:
   ... there was no unleavened bread [in the "Exodus" dream]?
   ... in the Adam/Homer and Eve/Marge story, Adam tempts Eve with the apple,
       instead of the other way around?

Nathan DeHoff:
   ... each dream seemed to deviate more from the original Bible story than
       the one before it?
   ... Lisa is the only Simpson who had a chance of going to Heaven, even
       though Marge is often portrayed as a better Christian?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Reverend Lovejoy considered the chocolate bunny "a wicked icon", yet
       had no problems with "Christ Dyed Eggs For Your Sins"?
   ... Maggie fell asleep first?
   ... when the Shofar was first blown, it sounded like a truck horn?
   ... slaves had money?  (Moses and Lisa bought the frogs)  [See "Comments"
       section for more -- Ed.]
   ... Bart is "writing" Eye-Well-Know-D-Face ("I Will Not Deface"), despite
       the fact that "D" probably hadn't been invented yet?
   ... Homer's pull is stronger than God's?
   ... Marge and Lisa entered hell voluntarily?
   ... it never occurred to anybody that if the church was the only building
       not burning, they should stay inside of it?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... Lisa doesn't speak a word until Act 2?
   ... Wiggum checks the sundial before he says it's almost lunchtime?
   ... it wasn't obvious to "Pharaoh" Skinner that the frogs were just dropped
       through a hole in the roof?
   ... they were the "juiciest he'd ever eaten," implying he's eaten frogs
       before?
   ... some of the Egyptian guards play 'Marco/Polo?'
   ... the pie had no pan?
   ... the spikes on Bart's crown look just like his real hair, but with only
       6 spikes?
   ... Bart could have just stabbed Goliath II with the giant sword, but
       instead he threw it away?

Darrel Jones:
   ... Rev. Lovejoy correctly stated the Bible has 66 books?  [See "Comments"
       section for more -- Ed.]

Haynes Lee:
   ... this had even more Homer and Marge nudity than Natural Born Kissers?

Andrew Levine:
   ... Lisa is called Lisa in her dream?
   ... Allison Taylor once again shows up in the background?
   ... this is the first time Jesus has been depicted on the show?
   ... the riff on the David-slaying-Goliath inconsistency in the Bible?  [See
       "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

Patrick McGovern:
   ... Flanders doesn't have much more naming sense than Homer?  (Come on:
       Gary isn't much better than Branchmonster)
   ... the "Egyptians Only" sign by the toilets?
   ... as Moses, Milhouse seemed to be able to better express his feelings
       toward Lisa than as himself?
   ... the tie and neck brace Jesus was wearing?
   ... Flanders' family apparently stuck around for the end of the world,
       rather than finding shelter?
   ... Homer being the only one complaining in Hell?

Travis D. McLemore, Jr.:
   ... Homer does a swan dive off the falls?
   ... Gary the Unicorn sounds like Jimbo?
   ... the chocolate bunny's ear falls off when Lovejoy finishes Genesis?
   ... Mr. Largo playing the shofar?
   ... the Red Sea has only one fish?
   ... Nelson/Goliath II uses Bart/David's crown as a ring?

Tom Rinschler:
   ... Maggie is asleep before even her mother?
   ... the Orb of Isis in the tomb?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... as Lovejoy's sermon drags on, the chocolate bunny continues to melt?
   ... once Bart/David cut it, Nelson/Goliath II's hair stayed cut?

Evan Ross:
   ... Marge's hair droops during the sermon?
   ... Marge's moan is louder than Homer's?
   ... the chalkboard scene when Bart runs out of slavery?
   ... Krusty makes a very adult joke while surrounded by kids?

Mike Smith:
   ... it's the first new episode to aired on Easter Sunday since "The PTA
       Disbands" (2F19)?
   ... it's only the third episode to premiered on Easter Sunday ("The Crapes
       Of Wrath" [7G13] is the only other one to debuted on Easter Sunday)?
   ... it's the first episode to be directed by a woman since "Lisa The
       Simpson" (4F24)?
   ... it's the first episode directed by Nancy Kruse?
   ... Nancy Kruse is only OFF's second woman director ever (The other one is
       Susie Detter)?
   ... Springfield having another unseasonable heat wave?
   ... Lisa has a new Easter bonnet?
   ... it's the first episode since "Separate Vocations" (8F15) that Bart have
       to write a blackboard punishment during an episode?
   ... Ralph is only five years old when he was (Barely, until his gravestone
       killed Nelson) dead?
   ... The Orb Of Isis is inside the tomb that Lisa & Milhouse trapped in?

Gary Wilson:
   ... Flanders is now God, when he was the devil in THOH IV?
   ... (obvious) Homer and Marge are the only two people, thus, *have to be*
       on the cover of People magazine?

Bob Yantosca:
   ... Lovejoy reads the Bible stories out of chronological order?
   ... God (Flanders) only has 3 fingers this time?
   ... the skies outside Eden are perpetually cloudy?
   ... God (Flanders) *really* knows how to finger-flick?
   ... the pyramid-shaped jungle gym?
   ... the little sphinxes on the merry-go-round?
   ... Martin Prince and another kid building a sandbox pyramid?
   ... kids sliding down a snake-shaped slide?
   ... King Solomon committing the deadly sin of gluttony?
   ... the taxi driver for "Crescent Chariot" looks to be of Arab descent?
   ... that Jesus has a folder titled "My Accident"?
   ... that Jerusalem is short on rocks these days?
   ... that Homer is the only one tormented in Hell?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Snake, Willie, Krusty, Abe, Santa's Little
        Helper)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Pig, Wiggum)
   - Harry Shearer (Lovejoy, Ned, Skinner, Eddie)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Gary the Unicorn, Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner)
   - Russi Taylor (Sherri)
   - Karl Wiedergott (Groundhog [?])

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + Genesis 2 - 3
      - Homer/Adam and Marge/Eve get expelled from the Garden of Eden  {bjr}
      - the legend of the unicorn (Gaelic folklore had it they missed Noah's
        Ark)  {hl}

   - the Simpsons 1994 Calendar  {ddg}
      - one picture was Homer and Marge in the Garden of Eden with Homer
        eating all of the apples

   + Isaiah 5:6  {dc2}
      - while the "camera" pans over the landscape of Eden, we see the lion
        laying with the lamb, an image described in this passage

   ~ "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" (book)  {ss}
      - in this book, there was an animal which wanted to be eaten

   ~ Land of Cockayne (medieval folktale)  {ds2}
      - another land where animals give themselves up to be eaten
      - Pieter Breughel's painting of the Land of Cockayne, three loafers are
        lying in a Homer-like stupor after gorging themselves.  In one corner
        you can see a pig running about with a knife conveniently attached to
        it and a big slice already taken out

   + "People" (magazine)  {jk}
      - God's magazine to Adam and Eve

   + Genesis 2:19-20  {bjr}
      - Marge/Eve tries to name the animals, but Homer/Adam already has

   - "2001: A Space Odyssey" (movie)  {al}
      - Eve/Marge making tools looks fairly similar

   + the Watergate break-in
      - the apple-eating incident is tagged "Applegate"

   ~ "Damn Yankees" (play)  {al}
      - Applegate was the name given to the Devil in this play and movie;
        therefore this was a double pun

   + Exodus 1 - 15  {bjr}
      - Milhouse/Moses leads the Hebrews out of Egypt

   + "The Ten Commandments" (movie)
      - "Where's your messiah now?"  {ddg}
      - Chief Wiggum spoofs Dathan, Edward G. Robinson's character from the
        movie
      - plague of frogs  {hl}
      - let my people go  {hl}
      - the climactic parting of the Red Sea staged similarly
      - Pharaoh-Skinner's men chasing the kids  {dj}
      - costuming and some of the camera angles (like Skinner/Pharaoh) and his
        men floating in the Red Sea similar  {bjr}

   - "Rugrats" (TV series)  {ddg}
      - having kids as Hebrew slaves was just like the "Rugrats" Passover
        episode

   - The New Testament
      - the skip rope rhyme is done ala the genealogy of Jesus
      - [actually, these genealogies also appear in the Old Testament -- Ed.]

   + King Tutankhamon (Egyptian ruler)
      - "King Butt" was written on the pharaoh's tomb
      - Wiggum mentions the British Museum, where Tut's remains are on display
        {jk}

   + Exodus 3:2-5  {bjr}
      - the burning bush appears

   - Marion Barry (political figure)  {bc}
      - Bart's "Bush set me up" comment echoes this former Washington, D.C.
        mayor's "famous last words" ("Bitch set me up") as he was caught
        smoking crack cocaine

   + Cleopatra (Egyptian ruler)  {tr}
      - the Pharaoh's secretary is named "Krabapatra"

   + "Ay, caramba!"  (Bart's old catchphrase)  {bjr}
      - this becomes "Oy, caramba!" in the short

   + I Kings 3:15-28  {hl}
      - Homer dreams he is the king
      - in the story, Solomon must decide the custody of a baby.  He suggests
        dividing it in two, knowing the true mother will give it up to spare
        its life

   + "The People's Court" (TV series)
      - the setup for Homer/Solomon's next decision (music, podiums for
        defendant and plaintiff) apes that of this syndicated small-court
        series

   + Sodom and Gomorrah  {hl}
      - Krusty mentions one of the cities in his act

   + Genesis 5:21-27  {js}
      - Methuselah mentioned; when Bart/David called him his oldest friend, he
        wasn't kidding -- Methuselah lived to be 969

   + I Samuel 17  {bjr}
      - the story of David's battle with Goliath

   + "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (professional wrestler)
      - the phrase "Stone Cold" turns up in the ads for the "David vs.
        Goliath" sequel

   + "The X-Files" (TV series)
      - "typewriter" font used to identify where scenes take place

   - Hulk Hogan (professional wrestler)  {ss}
      - Bart's monologue is very similar to Hogan's "Four Commandments"

   + "Davey & Goliath" (TV series)
      - SLH shows up and talks to Bart/David, like the dog in this series

   - "Celebrity Deathmatch" (TV series)  {al}
      - "Let's get it on!" spoken by Goliath/Nelson is what the referee says
        at the beginning of each match

   + Samson and Delilah  {hl}
      - Bart tries to defeat Nelson by cutting his hair

   + "Last Action Hero" (movie)
      - Bart (as David) vows he will become "the first action hero"

   - WCW (wrestling federation)  {bs}
      - the belt Bart wore around his waist in the David vs. Goliath sequence
        looked a lot like the WCW World Heavyweight Title belt

   + Genesis 11:1-9  {bjr}
      - tower of Babel mentioned

   + the leaning tower of Pisa  {dj}
      - the top stories of the Tower of Babel look a lot like the Leaning
        Tower of Pisa

   + Jack and the Beanstalk (fairy tale)  {dj}
      - a little guy going up against a giant
      - the giant lives up in the sky

   + Jonah 2  {hl}
      - Bart meets their skeletal remains

   + "The Little Prince" (children's book)  {tr}
      - Goliath/Nelson calls David/Bart this

   + "Fantasia" (movie)
      - Nelson/Goliath II's appearance from the tower of Babel similar to the
        devil's rising out of the mountain [J. D. Baldwin says the demon
        rising from the mountain "was modeled after Chernobourg, the Slavonic
        god of evil" -- Ed.]
      - same music is used, too  [A. Michelson writes, "That was "Night on
        Bald Mountain" or "Night on Bare Mountain" -- Ed.]  {bjr}

   + "King Kong" (movie)  {tr}
      - the scene where Goliath/Nelson falls from the tower similar to where
        King Kong falls in this movie

   + "Ben Hur" (movie)  {tr}
      - "Where's your Messiah now?"

   + Simpson/Bruckheimer Films (movie production company)  {bjr}
      - the "lightning striking the logo" effect similar to that seen in their
        films.  These two are (or were, one of them passed away) noted for
        high-octane action films

   + Revelation 6:1-9
      - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse seen at the episode's end

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [7G04] Homer and his family go to Hell, while an idealized family goes up to
         Heaven
- [7G05] Bart versus a very large Nelson  {hl}
- [7F03], [8F03], [8F15] Bart writing blackboard punishments during episodes
         {ms}
- [7F04] Lisa was almost the first Simpson member to beamed up to Heaven (cf.
         her being the first member to beam up by Kang's & Kodos' ship  {ms}
- [7F13] "Davey & Goliath" reference  {ms}
- [7F13] OFF in Hell  {ms}
- [8F05] Commentary on the plight of the Jews  {je}
- [8F16] Davey and Goliath mentioned  {je}
- [9F12] Homer sprawled on his back in pain  {by}
- [9F21] Methuselah appears / is mentioned  {je}
- [1F09] Homer: "I didn't say stop!"  {dj}
- [1F14] Chief Wiggum says Robinson line "Where's your messiah now?"  {hl}
- [1F15] The four Elephants (er, Horsemen) of the Apocalypse are referenced
         {dj}
- [3F04] Santa's Little Helper talks to Bart in one of Bart's dreams  {dj}
- [3F05] Pig with British accent appears in family member's dream  {bjr}
- [3F06] Homer (supposedly) falls from a waterfall  {je}
- [3F08] Marge worries about clean underwear in a time of danger  {gw}
- [4F20] A non-Halloween episode with three segments  {dj}
- [5F02] Last episode with a marquee sign  {dj}
- [5F12] Lou says "Sweet"  {je}
- [5F17] The Orb of Isis seen in the tomb's treasure room
- [5F18] Homer & Marge naked  {ms}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Sign outside church  {by}

     Today's Topic:
    Christ Dyed Eggs 
     for your Sins

- Some Animals in the Garden of Eden  {by}
   - Butterfly, Squirrel (almost looks like the Lincoln Squirrel!), Elephant,
     Zebra, Lion, Lamb, Dolphin, Giraffe, Unicorn, Mink, Groundhog, Snake,
     Green and White Parrots

- Hieroglyphics  {by}

    Bird : Bird : Giant Eye : Pyramid : Bird :
    Giant Eye : Dead Fish : Cat Head : Cat Head : 
    Cat Head : "guy doing this" (Egyptian stance)
      -- Pharaoh Skinner dictating to Mrs. Krabapatra

    Eye : well : knot : D + face of an Egyptian
    (translation: "I will not deface")
      -- Bart's punishment

- Fight promo  {by}

      DAVID
       vs.
     GOLIATH

     D vs. G2
    STONE COLD

- Ralph's tombstone  {bjr}

      RALPH

    975 B.C. -
    970 B.C.

- Horsemen of the Apocalypse, from left to right  {by}

    (cf. Revelation 6:1-9)

    #1 Rider wears a green cloak, on a gray horse, carries scythe (Death)
    #2 Rider wears a light blue cloak, on a brown horse, carries arrow
    #3 Rider wears a silver breastplate, on a black horse, carries flaming sword
    #4 Rider wears a dark blue cloak, on a dark gray horse, carries scales

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
*  The telling of a whole bunch of bible tales only happens in the Easter
   Vigil mass the night before Easter.  Easter masses are like normal masses
   except for the renewal of Baptismal Rites.  [See "Comments" section for
   more -- Ed.]  {jk}

=  Adam (Homer) is portrayed with a belly-button.  As Adam was the first man,
   he wouldn't have a belly-button -- i.e., no umbilical cord as he has no
   human mother.  {jm}

=  Homer's fig leaf defies gravity as he dives off the rocks.  {by}

*  Homer-Adam eats pork in the Garden of Eden, but the Bible states humans
   didn't eat meat until after Noah's Flood.  {dj}

+  God has 4 fingers in this episode, where in others He had 5.  {er}

*  The serpent that tricked Adam and Eve to eat the apple had legs.  Only
   until after the incident did the snake slither.  {jk}

*  Okay, it was in a dream, but the fig leaves came after the apple incident.
   {ddg}

*  The Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil wasn't an apple at all.  [Yeah,
   but this apple is a *really* popular image for the holy fruit -- Ed.]  {pt}

*  Moses was never a slave.  {jk}

*  According to archaeologists, the pyramids were already built when the
   Hebrews were slaves in Egypt.  Don't worry, though, because the Egyptians
   had a mania for civic architecture and thus plenty of work for the slaves
   to do.  {bjr}

*  Although a delicious pun, the Pharaoh of the Exodus (c. 1200 BC) referring
   to Cleopatra is highly anachronistic as the name (and the famous queen as
   well) was Macedonian Greek and would not have been used in Egypt till
   Alexander's conquest in 332 BC.  {tr}

=  The sides of the pyramid turn flat as Milhouse and Lisa slide down them.
   {er}

=  Milhouse didn't have a shofar until he needed it; both times.  {je}

-  The sun shouldn't have set on the opposite side of the Red Sea from Egypt.
   And it's unlikely all those events occurred in the early morning.  {je}

*  Reverend Lovejoy reads about Solomon before David, despite the fact that
   David was king first.  [{dj} adds, "I know the Bible well, so I will tell
   you he may have been reading 2 Kings when he mentioned Solomon, and 1
   Chronicles when he mentioned David.  But I doubt that because 1 Chronicles
   has no mention of David's fight with Goliath."]

*  Jezebel never lived in Sodom (she was from Sidon, see 1 Kings 16).  {by}

*  Methuselah is mentioned in Genesis, not in 1 Samuel, where the story of
   David is found.  {by}

=  Bart/David cuts off only one side of Nelson/Goliath Jr.'s hair, but both
   sides appear cut.  {bc}

+  Ralph is shown as living for five years.  He's eight.  (That is, unless I
   missed a Bible reference.)  [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]  {bc}

*  The whale's skull is drawn incorrectly.  [See "Comments" section for more -
   - Ed.]  {ck}

=  Nelson/Goliath Jr.'s outfit changes colors.  {bc}

*  Why would Goliath II's subjects arrest Bart but not Ralph, who struck the
   killing blow?  {bjr}

+  Their [The Simpsons'] house is shown (in flames) across from the church,
   when it never has been shown there before.  {gw}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Tim M. Cababa:  Certainly not the worst episode ever made, but still a fairly
   middle-of-the-road effort.  There were quite a few funny parts (I thought
   the unicorn bit was good), but nothing that had me ROTFL.  I realize they
   were all just dream sequences, but I still feel that there could've been a
   better segue between the stories.  Was it just me, or did the episode leave
   you wondering how Christ's trial ended?  IMHO it wasn't as good as 3F18 (22
   Short Films About Springfield) but a whole helluva lot better than 4F20
   (The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase).  Even though this season seems to be on
   the road back to the glory years of seasons 4-6, they do still have a bit
   to go.  Overall, a good episode when compared to other sitcoms, but only
   decent for OFF.  (C)

Greg Castillo:  I must express my disappointment with this episode.  Normally
   when they have three shorts, it is excellent because it can rotate around a
   hilariously funny topic for fifteen min.  The Simpsons writers were going
   against 2000 years of history.  They weren't able to pull it off, and it
   was a bad episode.  However, there were some funny parts, like "flushing"
   the Red Sea, so I give it a  (C-)

Ellen A. Cohen:  A majority of the Bible story episode actually disgusted me.
   I'm not one of those Old Testament-thumping fundamentalists, but come on!
   MILHOUSE AS MOSES? What better way to insult the Jewish people in the
   middle of Passover than to have the Red Sea part by flushing a bunch of
   ancient Egyptian port-a-potties? Were the writers looking for a way to
   shock people?  Mission accomplished.  As for the Adam and Eve story, it
   started out kind of cute ("God must've made you from my sexiest
   rib--rrrowwrr!"), but after the apple business it all went downhill.  [...]
   The best parts were (1) watching that chocolate bunny decompose, and (2)
   Bart's dream of David and Goliath, which was the funniest bit in the
   episode!  [...]In conclusion, watching this episode was like LIVING in a
   Treehouse of Horror episode!  (D)

Ben Collins:  I like these "experimental" episodes.  They give the series a
   degree of "freshness" it needs in times like these.  Only The Simpsons has
   the courage to spoof religion so directly, and the religious satire is more
   intelligent than that of "Lisa the Skeptic" or "In Marge We Trust."  I was
   laughing almost constantly throughout.  It's good to see the old
   bad-to-the-bone Bart again, perhaps for the first time since last season
   (no, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken" doesn't count).  I do have a minor beef
   with the wacky ending: Homer engages in the ultimate Jerkass act in keeping
   Lisa from going to heaven.  (B)

Nathan DeHoff:  This was a pretty clever episode, with a lot of good laughs.
   It's difficult to compare it to other episode, since it was non-canonical.
   (Well, I'm assuming it is, anyway.  If next week's episode starts out with
   the Simpsons in Hell, I'll gladly retract that statement.)  There were more
   laughs in this one than in many of the regular episodes that have been
   shown recently.  The characterizations were well-done, and the ending was
   clever.  I think this one is worth an  (A)

Jordan Eisenberg:  Plots could've been a little less disjointed, but they were
   all very funny, with occasional moments of brilliance.  None of the stories
   felt like they had very good endings.  Still, a good episode is a good
   episode.  What's in for next year's bible stories?  The crucifixion?
   Noah's Ark?  Hmmm ...  (A)

Alex Flandonwittsy:  Now this was disappointing.  The first story was
   mediocre, the second terrible, and the third pretty much the same as the
   second.  Few good jokes were available to laugh at in this trilogy, and
   none had as much quality as past THOHs.  The ending of this episode drags
   my grade down even further because, not only was it tacked-on and
   far-fetched, but we also got a glimpse of "jack-ass Homer"(TM) again.  Why
   can't the writers ever just end the show without adding on some wacky, sad
   climax?  (D+)

Darrel Jones:  Not an all-time classic, but the episode was just different
   enough to work; a non-Halloween episode without continuity (as the ending
   made clear). At least Homer's dream was kept short, though I still liked
   it.  And I was raised as a preacher's son, so I loved the religious jabs.
   Marge as Eve was great, Lisa as an Egyptian slave was okay, but Bart as
   David was the highlight of the ep.  Altogether, 9/10  (A)

Joe Klemm:  The episode starts out good with the Adam and Eve bit, which shows
   Homer in a wacky way.  Then, it drops a little bit with Moses.  However,
   the King Solomon and David bits were pure classic. Unfortunately, the
   episode's wraparound was dumb and unnecessary, and the format should have
   been three separate stories without a wraparound ala THOH V-IX.  (B-)

Andrew Levine:  Why do we still watch The Simpsons?  The consensus among the
   newsgroup posters seems to be that the show has gone on a steep decline the
   past couple of seasons; that the great writers have left for greener
   pastures, leaving a team of cheap hacks; that the poignance and
   far-reaching wit are gone and have been replaced with cliches and
   bandwagon-culture gags.  So what keeps us tuned to our local Fox affiliate,
   every Sunday night at 8?  Episodes like this one.  The Simpsons reached its
   highest creative point of this season or the last with "Simpsons Bible
   Stories".  Providing us with quirky sight gags, good satire, and a surreal,
   archetype-breaking ending, SBS reminds us how unique The Simpsons is among
   sitcoms.  (A-)

Patrick McGovern:  Amazing.  Amazing that they could pull it off; amazing that
   it got away with only a TV-PG; just amazing.  If "Maximum Homerdrive" was
   the writers giving us the finger, then this is their humble apology.
   Overall, it's 2nd best of season (Next to "Sunday, Cruddy Sunday") and a
   real achievement that they could manage to pull it off.  The ending, while
   weird, was definitely funny; this felt like it could be at home in Season
   4.  (A)

Tom Rinschler:  An interesting and amusing twist to the annual Halloween
   episodes substituting Biblical stories for horror stories.  And, if you can
   handle a little Biblical satire, there is quite a bit of fun to be had
   here.  Marge's version of Genesis was OK, but Lisa's version of Exodus and
   Bart's version of King David were even better.  Of course with the ending,
   it will have to be as non-canonical as the THOH stories.  (A)

Matt Rose:  A pretty damn funny show, and that's rare anymore.  What can I
   say, naked Marge with her hair down is just too irresistible <grin>.  Leave
   it to the Simpsons to beautifully skewer the Bible.  I would say the show
   got weaker as it progressed -- I think Homer's fantasy was hilarious, they
   should have kept it going!  The People's Court?  God, that was a classic
   rolling-on-the-floor moment.  A very strong effort still, especially for a
   tenth season episode. "The Simpsons" might be a fading entity, but it's
   still good for quite a few laughs those rare times they get away from the
   cliched "Homer gets a new job" formula they've run into the ground.  (B+)

Evan Ross:  I must admit, I was a little wary when this episode came out.  I
   was afraid that it would become too preachy and lose the Simpsons' spirit.
   But, I was pleasantly surprised.  While not a great episode, it did offer a
   few very good jokes (... Sodom was known for pottery!) that surprised you.
   Not a great ep., but a good one.  (B)

Gary Wilson:  This was a nice change from the average episode.  It wasn't
   hilarious, but it was refreshing to see the writers are still trying new
   things.  This show cannot be compared to any other episode fairly, except,
   perhaps THOHs, so I'm not sure how to grade it.  However, simply because it
   showed the writers aren't just plugging in variables to an established
   plot, I enjoyed it.  It wasn't hilarious, but it was about time we got
   something fresh and inventive.  (B+)

Bob Yantosca:  One of this season's best, ranking behind TOH IX [BF01] and the
   "Mr. Pinchy" episode.  Only the Simpsons can turn our most cherished Bible
   stories into a hilarious romp!  Homer as King Solomon stole the show, with
   the King David sketch coming in close behind.  While the whole Exodus thing
   was a bit lame, I did enjoy seeing Homer and Marge in the Garden of Eden.
   Also, Marge is a real babe when she lets her hair down.  :-) :-)  (A+)

Yours Truly:  Great concept, even if it's funnier on paper than in actual
   execution.  Good "casting" is the highlight of a Genesis spoof that finds
   Homer and Marge as the new Adam and Eve.  Lisa's Exodus dream is a funny,
   and slightly feminist (in the good sense) retelling of that story.  The
   story of David and Goliath, a la Bart, spoofs both action movies and its
   source material.  This is a late-series trend I wouldn't mind seeing
   continuing, which is a minor miracle in itself.  (B+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B+ (3.24)   Std Dev.: 0.9028   (25 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Writer Watch

Mike Smith:  Tim Long is one of those guest writers, I think.  Much in the
   same league as Mimi Pond (7G08), and Steve Pepoon (7F13).  Only time will
   tell.  [Time says Mr. Long is a regular writer.  He's credited with
   "Desperately Xeeking Xena" from "Treehouse of Horror X (BABF01)," the
   controversial "Saddlesore Galactica (BABF09)", and part of "Behind the
   Laughter (BABF19)" -- Ed.]

   Larry Doyle may write weak episodes (He may have wrote the weakest one,
   which is the Lisa/Moses one), but, "The Terror Of Tiny Toon", from
   "Treehouse Of Horror IX", is still his finest hour (Or, finest 10 minutes,
   if you prefer).

   Matt Selman may have been luckier with the Adam/Eve story, instead of David
   Vs. Goliath II, since it's was he who wrote last season's finale, "Natural
   Born Kissers" (5F18), which still remembered by many OFF fans everywhere,
   for it's last 15 minutes (From Homer & Marge at the Putt-Putt course
   onwards).


>> Musical References

Many people noticed that "Highway To Hell," by AC/DC, plays during the first
   part of the closing credits.


Travis D. McLemore, Jr.:  The theme from "Over the Top" plays while Bart/David
   trains.


Phil Boss adds:  [The theme is] from the brilliant film "Over the Top"
   starring Sly Stallone as a professional arm-wrestler. It is universally
   recognized as the height of American filmmaking about ... uhm ... arm
   wrestling."]


>> The Infidel's guide to Easter Vigil

Not Christian?  No problem!  Tom Restivo explains how the Easter Vigil works:
   This is going to certify my in NG Geekdom in a Biblical sense, but ...

   Easter Vigil is considered THE Mass of all Masses for the Liturgical Year.
   In the Roman Catholic Rite, it included the Blessing of the Paschal Candle,
   the reading of two to seven Old Testament passages -- not the entire Bible.
   There is a passage from an Epistle by St. Paul, followed by the
   Resurrection Story in one of the Synopic Gospels.  After the Homily, there
   is the Rite of Christian Initiation, where the Elect get baptized and, for
   the adults, get confirmed.  The entire congregation renews their baptismal
   vows

   From then on, it followed like a regular Mass, including the Collection
   (and Second Collection).  Total time: little over two and a half hours.

   For those reading, Genesis 1:1-2:4 is a favorite (not Gn 2:5-3:24, the
   second Creation Story with Adam and Eve, as portrayed in Homer's dream),
   and Exodus 14:1-15:1 is a must (that's Lisa's Dream).  Another passage is
   Gn 22:1-18, or Abraham put to the test by sacrificing Isaac -- not dreamt
   by OFF.  Of course, there is no David vs. Goliath 2, but it's based on 1 Sm
   17:1-54.

   Other readings from the OT come from Isaiah, Barach and Ezekiel.  No
   Revelation is read.

   That's my Alle-scrum-dum-dilly-luia summary of Easter Vigils.  :)


However, J. D. Baldwin notes:  The Simpsons don't go to mass.  They aren't
   Roman Catholic, but some unnamed Protestant denomination.  I think this has
   been pretty thoroughly and well established.  And, anyway, Lovejoy wasn't
   telling Bible stories, he was just reading from the first two books
   (possibly with the intent of reading the whole thing, both testaments?)
   because he felt it was needed by the congregation.

   BTW, we now have an additional clue that the Simpsons are indeed
   Protestant:  the "66 books of the Bible" referred to by Rev. Lovejoy.
   Justification left as an exercise.


Wondering what the 66 books are?  Darrel Jones tells us:  The 66 books of the
   Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges,
   Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles,
   Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs
   (formerly Song of Solomon), Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel,
   Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk,
   Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts,
   Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians,
   Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus,
   Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude,
   and Revelation.  Don't be shocked if you haven't heard of most of these
   before; many are little read and quoted, like Leviticus, a book full of
   strange holy rituals Jews are expected to obey.


>> Hide your shame!

Dan Tropea:  I couldn't believe the implied nudity on the Adam and Eve segment
   on the Simpsons. Wow.  Eve/Marge just covered by her hair and a fig leaf.
   Oh well just a cartoon although for a US TV cartoon that was the furthest
   anyone has gone.  Guess the censors never bothered or cared.


David Chesler responds:  The fig leaf IS censorship (typically a later edition
   to earlier nudes, later a convention.)  It's already a fence around the
   nudity. What do you want?  A big leaf over the fig leaf?

   We're all nude under our clothes, as they say.

   And the closing of "Austin Powers" which has trickled down at least to sub-
   premium cable, has a lot more implication and a lot more stuff showing than
   this (as do plenty of British shows.)

   We saw Bart's bare butt in the Simpson's premiere.


Todd Emerson:  Don't forget in the episode "Marge vs. Itchy & Scratchy," we
   got to see (statue of) David's doodle a couple of times.  I guess that
   nudity was "okay" because it was ART, and it wasn't "flesh"-toned.


Willondon Donovan comments:  Isn't it sort of a goof anyway?  In the Genesis
   story, Adam and Eve didn't get fig leaves until after they'd sampled the
   forbidden fruit.  Are we to believe that this is some sort of magical
   shame, that exists without knowledge of their nakedness?  I hope somebody
   got fired for that one.


Benjamin Robinson:  Personally, I was expecting them to use clever staging and
   "blocking" to keep the stuff even Fox is unwilling to show from being seen.
   (Kinda like when Homer and Marge were trying to get home without being seen
   in "Natural Born Kissers (5F18).")  I guess the director felt that would
   have looked contrived after seven minutes.


Alex Flandonwittsy notes:  Many other cartoons have shown that much skin(not
   to mention live-action shows, too).  "King of the Hill" and "The Critic",
   to name a couple.


>> A Quick Egyptian History lesson

Courtesy of Tom Rinschler:  Traditionally, the Pharaoh of the Exodus has been
   identified as Ramses II, who ruled Egypt for 67 years in the 13th century
   BC, although several other pharaohs have been nominated for this title as
   well.  Bart's graffiti referring to Tutankhamen is actually reasonably
   topical, as the boy-pharaoh had died only 50 years or so before Ramses came
   to the throne. Of course, as has already been pointed out, the rulers of
   Egypt's New Kingdom didn't build pyramids for their tombs, a practice which
   had died out a few centuries earlier as they made extremely obvious targets
   for tomb-robbers.  Instead, they constructed underground tombs in the
   famous Valley of the Kings to ensure that they would lay undisturbed
   forever (which didn't work for any of them except Tutankhamon).


While we're on the subject of Egyptians, Andrew Levine writes:  The "walk like
   an Egyptian" pose that Pharaoh/Skinner demonstrates does not appear in any
   genuine hieroglyphics; it was originated during the Egyptology craze of the
   late 19th century.


>> Gone before his time?

Some people noticed that, according to the gravestone in Bart's dream, Ralph
   Wiggum was five years old when he "died."  Emmett McKenna explains this
   apparent inconsistency:  It was a dream.  Maybe in Bart thought he was only
   five years old for one reason or another.  Maybe Bart figured he had to be
   five to be so stupid.  But very likely, he is older than five.  This was
   not even the real Ralph Wiggum we all know so much, because the Ralph
   Wiggum we are all so familiar with lives in the late 20th century, not in
   the 900's. Do not take episodes based on a dream too serious, just like you
   wouldn't take the Halloween episodes too serious, because they're merely
   Halloween stories.


>> Biblical Bloopers

Andrew Levine explains:  I Samuel 21:1-9 talks about the famous slingshot
   fight where David slays Goliath.  A subsequent passage, II Samuel 21:18-22
   describes how later Elhanan of Bethlehem killed Goliath.  Yes, again.  This
   is one of the most glaring Biblical inconsistencies (www.atheists.org and
   www.infidels.org also give good lists, which include this discrepancy).
   Indeed, Christians have for centuries been explaining this by saying that
   David killed Goliath first, then Elhanan smites his son, who was also named
   Goliath.  Thus, Goliath/Nelson makes the same claim, despite the fact that
   it makes little sense, since the second passage makes no mention of the
   second Goliath having been the son of the first, where it would have been
   natural to do so.


>> Warning:  Really anal-retentive cetological osteology goof ahead

Christian Kammerer:  When Goliath II throws the whale skeleton with Jonah in
   it out the window, the square skull and rectangular flippers show that it
   is supposed to be a sperm whale.  The only problem is that a sperm whale's
   skull looks nothing like the head of the live animal, because the huge
   square head is mostly filled with an echolocation chamber and the precious
   spermaceti oil.  A real sperm whale's skull is a long, thin, dolphin-like
   skull.

   Of course, that really is too much of a cartoon ...


>> Highway to Hell

The episode's ending, with OFF descending into the nether world, had at least
   a few viewers scratching their heads.  Was what we saw real, or just a
   nightmare?


Brian Leahy reasons:  Well, it could have been a dream-within-a-dream.  In any
   event, the ending was clearly not part of the regular continuity, or there
   couldn't exactly be a next episode, unless it was the Simpsons frying in
   hell.  Myself, I put it in the same drawer with the Halloween episodes --
   funny, a bit creepy, but not "real" -- (as if the rest of the series WAS
   real.)

   On the other hand, maybe the Simpsons DO go to hell, and it's exactly like
   Springfield.  ;-)  Or maybe they should have shown the Simpsons descending
   into hell, and being welcomed by Binky, Bongo, and Sheba!


Andrew Levine offers these explanations:  Here are a few ways that the
   distinctly non-canonical ending can be explained away

   - This episode takes place after all other Simpsons episodes, hence OFF
   going to hell is the last bit of Simpsons chronology, and all future
   episodes happened beforehand;

   - It was Maggie's dream;

   - The events took place in an alternate universe;

   - God screwed up and ran the apocalypse a few years ahead of schedule, then
   said "Whoops!", went back, and spat everyone back to Earth;

   - It was just Kang and Kodos playing a joke on the earthlings;

   - Each subsequent episode is just a dream a Simpson has while in hell;

   - It's just a stupid cartoon and we should forget about it.


>> Yeah, but Wiggum *is* Edward G. Robinson

Mike Smith contributes:  Here is the details from next week's "TV Guide"
   "Cheers And Jeers" on the recent (April 4) airing of "Simpsons Bible
   Stories"

   JEERS to deprogramming a classic.  This month ABC abandoned a cherished
   tradition of more than two decades by not showing Cecil B. DeMille's "The
   Ten Commandments" on Easter Sunday (Some years the network aired the
   biblical epic a week earlier on Palm Sunday).  The reason for this
   apostasy?  ABC argued that it didn't want to disrupt its regular schedule.
   Yeah, we couldn't wait for that rerun of "The Practice".  Viewers eager to
   see Moses part the Red Sea that night had to convert to "The Simpsons",
   which offered up a hilarious rendition of that and other Old Testament
   stories.  Principal Skinner makes a commanding pharaoh, but let's face it:
   He's no Yul Brinner.

   HE'S NO YUL BRINNER?!  Hell, I laughed when Skinner dictating that letter
   to Krabappel, and Bart doing that chalkboard thing!  And, that Orb of Isis
   in a cameo!  And, Wiggum surely topped Edward G. Robinson for dumbness!
   They did it very well in less than 10 minutes, than Cecil B. DeMille said
   that he'll do in 3 hours and 39 minutes (Plus an intermission).


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Thee House of Heaven


Jordan Eisenberg's Alterna-alterna-title:  "Simpson and DeBible"


Darrel Jones:  Assuming David-Bart is tried, sentenced to death, and executed
   immediately (the appeals process having not been invented yet), he will die
   in 970 BC, which most Bible historians date as the time the real David
   died.


Regarding slaves and money, Andrew Krupowski writes:  Ancient slaves were
   different from modern slaves.  They could do shopping for their masters and
   some would give them cash ...


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% [Note:  To keep confusion to a minimum, the characters' lines will
% be attributed to their usual names, even when they are acting as
% stand-ins for Biblical personalities.  That is, Marge's lines will
% always be attributed to "Marge," even when she's being Eve -- Ed.]
%
% Reverend Lovejoy exhorts his congregation to give generously at
% collection time.

And as we pass the collection plate, please give as though the person 
next to you were watching.
-- Rev. Lovejoy, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% The churchgoers give willingly, but their enthusiasm is sapped by
% the stiflingly hot air.  It's one of the hottest Easter Sundays
% ever, so hot that even a praying mantis sitting on one of the pews
% calls it a day.
%
% Helen returns the collection plate, heaped high with money, to the
% Reverend.  Rummaging through the bills, he pulls out a large
% chocolate Easter bunny.  Shocked, he demands to know who brought
% this "wicked idol" into the church.  (It was Homer, who earlier had
% retrieved it from the Dumpster.)  "Perhaps we need a hefty dose of
% the Good Book," says the Reverend, as he hauls out a bible thicker
% than a Manhattan phone book.  Turning the fans off so the people can
% hear him, Lovejoy sonorously begins reading the book of Genesis.  He
% doesn't get much further than, "In the beginning," before Marge
% drifts off to sleep ...
%
% Dissolve cut from Marge in church to Marge as Eve.  Her hair is
% freed from its usual bouffant, and frames her head where it rests on
% the grass.  Save for one discreet fig leaf, she is as bare as the
% day the Lord made her.  She awakens, and finds herself in a peaceful
% garden populated with friendly animals.

Marge:	[looking at her surroundings] What a beautiful garden.  
	It's almost like paradise.  [sniffs a flower]
Homer:	[offscreen] Heads up.
	[camera pans to see Homer, also wearing only a fig leaf, 
	standing at the top of a waterfall.  He dives, landing 
	directly on the pointy rocks below]
Marge:	Gasps.
Homer:	[hops up as if nothing had happened] Well, hell-o.
Marge:	Aren't you hurt?
Homer:	Course not; there's no pain in the Garden of Eden.  Hey, 
	you must be Eve.
Marge:	Well, I guess.
Homer:	Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.  [growls 
	lustily]
-- And Homer saw that she was good, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Marge wonders if there's anything good to eat in Eden.  Obligingly,
% a pig walks by and offers Homer some bacon.  (Evidently, this is not
% a kosher garden.)  Homer pulls a few strips off the belly of the
% pig, who instantly regenerates.
%
% Suddenly God appears, manifest as an arm reaching down from a cloud. 
% Both the arm's green sweater and the voice of God are unmistakably
% Ned Flanders'.

Ned:	Hi-diddly-ho, paradise-dwellers!
Marge:	God?
Homer:	Uh, good morning, Lord.  I just have to, uh, compliment 
	you on this beautifully crafted mate.
Ned:	Oh, Adam, you're too kind.
Homer:	No, *you're* too kind, and wise, and righteous.  I can't 
	believe you don't have a girlfriend.
Ned:	[chuckles] Oh, please, you're going to give me a swelled 
	head.  I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
Marge:	Well, some general-interest magazines would be nice.
Ned:	You got it, Eve.  [and Ned created several issues of 
	"People" magazine, which have Homer and Marge's picture by 
	default]  There you go.
Marge:	Oh, thanks.
Ned:	Well, I'd better skedaddle.  Oh, there's one more weensy 
	little thing.  See that tree over there?  [points to the 
	Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil] I hate to be a bossy
	Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
Homer:	No problem, Lord!  And it would be even easier to avoid 
	that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
Marge:	[grumbles]
Homer:	Just saying.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Homer and Marge sit beneath the shade of one of the non-forbidden 
% trees.  Homer explains to her how he has given names to the animals,
% like "ground monster," and "branch monster."  The latter name
% belongs to the serpent, who fittingly goes by the name (and voice)
% of, "Snake."

Snake:	Yo, have you dudes sampled this fruit?  [produces a plate 
	of apple wedges] It's like God's private stash.
Marge:	But He said it was forbidden.
Pig:	Quite so, mum.  I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite 
	and, well, that was the last of -- Egad!
	[cut to Homer wolfing down the apple]
Marge:	Please stop eating that!  God's going to be furious.
Homer:	You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.  You know what 
	would loosen you up?  A little fruit.  [offers an apple]
Marge:	Well, it is a sin to waste food.
Homer:	And you keep saying we need to do things together.
Marge:	[takes a bite] Mmm.  This could really spice up those pies 
	I've been making.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Suddenly, the sky darkens, and Ned's arm returns.

Ned:	Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit?
	[Homer, whistling nonchalantly, shoves the apple cores 
	under a bush with his foot]
Marge:	Yes, God.
	[thunder crashes]
Ned:	Doggone it, Eve, I think you'd better high-tail it out of 
	this garden.
Marge:	Adam, say something.
Homer:	Uh, uh, uh, I think we should see other people?
-- Good luck with that, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Ned will not be placated, and Marge trudges out of Eden.  The gate
% slams shut behind her.
%
% Homer may have escaped Ned's wrath, but loneliness finds him.  Even
% a back massage from a pair of minks doesn't lift his spirits.  The
% pig walks by.

Pig:	Lovely day in paradise, isn't it?
Homer:	Yeah, just like yesterday.
Pig:	Today, I'm featuring mouth-watering pork ribs.  Tuck in, 
	then.
Homer:	[reaches in and pulls out some ribs] Oh, I gave a rib to 
	Eve and now she's gone forever.
Pig:	[facetious] One whole rib and still standing?  Well, 
	aren't you the plucky one, sir.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Just beyond the hedgerows of Eden, Homer can see Marge toiling. 
% Regretful that he did not stand up for Marge earlier, he decides to
% sneak her back in.  "I mean, God can't be everywhere at once,
% right," he reasons.
%
% Homer sends the land monster, er, groundhog to dig a hole under the
% hedge to Marge.  The unicorn follows, widening the hole so Marge can
% crawl through it.  The effort takes too much from him, and he
% collapses in a lifeless heap.  Marge quickly crawls through the hole
% to be reunited with her help-mate.

Homer:	Oh, my dear, sweet Eve.  I love you even more than the 
	butterscotch pond or the porno bush.
	[the skies darken, and Ned appears]
Ned:	So, this is how you repay me, Adam!  [Homer and Marge gasp 
	in horror] And after I created my fingers to the bone for 
	you.  I -- Ohhhh, my unicorn!  [tries to rouse him by 
	nudging him with His finger] Oh, what have they done to 
	you, Gary?
Homer:	There, there, I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.
Ned:	Oh, shut up!  You are so banished!
Homer:	Hey, now, let's not do anything rash!  [placating] God is 
	love, right?
	[Ned flicks him into the next county with His finger]
-- Tough love, apparently, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Marge is about to plead for mercy, but another mighty thwack from
% Ned's forefinger cuts her short.  Meanwhile, Homer has landed on his
% backside on a field of pointy rocks, giving him an introduction to
% the world of pain.  Marge sails in from the distance, and lands on
% top of him.
%
% They get up, and look back toward Eden.

Homer:		This sucks.  Things were so much better back in the 
		garden.
Marge:		I'm sure God will let us return soon.  I mean, how 
		long can he hold a grudge?  [Marge wakes up in 
		church]
Lovejoy:	Forever and ever ... [turns a page and continues 
		reading] ... and ever and ...
-- Is that long enough?  "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  6:11]
%
% Eventually Lovejoy finishes Genesis.  One book down, and sixty-five
% to go!  As he moves on to Exodus, it is Lisa's turn to fall asleep.
%
% The students of Springfield Elementary are having an ancient
% Egyptian version of recess.  Children play tetherball with an
% obelisk.  Lisa and Nelson climb a pyramid-shaped jungle gym. 
% Sherri, Terri, and Janey jump rope, singing a rhyme about the
% generations of Jacob.  Mr. Largo blows a horn, and Groundskeeper
% Willie tells the "wee Israelites" that it's time to resume their
% slavery.  When Bart complains, Willie lashes him with his whip.
%
% Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, and their entourage arrive in
% chariots.

Wiggum:		On your knees, you mugs.  It's the Pharaoh!
Skinner:	Ah, excellent progress, Slavedriver Willie.  Kudos 
		on your whipping.
Willie:		[giddily to himself] He noticed!
Skinner:	Suffering sarcophagus!  My tomb!
		[camera pans to Skinner's sarcophagus, on which 
		someone has painted, "King Butt"]  Who did this?
Bart:		[laughs]
Skinner:	Come on, confess.  Don't make me slay all the first-
		born males again.
		[camera cuts to the burning bush]
Bush:		Bart did it!  [a tendril of flame points to him] I 
		saw him do it.
Wiggum:		Take him away, boys!
Bart:		[as he is dragged away] No!  The bush set me up!
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Skinner orders Willie to switch from the "encouragement" whip to the
% "cruel" whip, which looks like a cat-o-nine-tails.  As Willie whips
% away, Skinner admires the snap-back performance of the new Omni-
% Lash.

Lisa:		We can't keep living like this.  Moses, ask Pharaoh 
		to let your people go.
Milhouse:	Oh, now they're my people.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Wiggum oversees Bart as he scrubs the Egyptian latrines.  "Scrub
% harder, slave," he yells.  "I want to be able to eat off that
% thing."  He glances at a sundial, and adds, "And make it snappy --
% it's almost lunchtime."
%
% Milhouse and Lisa approach Skinner in his tent, which is mounted on
% a stone platform.

Lisa:		Excuse me, uh, Pharaoh?  I think Moses here has 
		something to ask you.  [shoves Milhouse forward] Go.
Milhouse:	[timidly] Uh, Letmypeoplego.
Skinner:	Let your people go!  I've never heard such 
		insolence!  You call yourselves slaves?
		[he throws Milhouse and Lisa out of the tent, and 
		they tumble down the stairs]
Milhouse:	[dusts off his hands] Well, the ball's in his court 
		now.
-- Moses the Negotiator, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Skinner has Krabappel take dictation.

Skinner:	All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. 
		Krabapatra.
Krabappel:	Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird.
Skinner:	Mmm-hmm, very good.  Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat 
		head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this ... 
		[strikes the "walk like an Egyptian" pose]
-- Dictate like an Egyptian, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% The office work is interrupted when frogs rain down from above. 
% Through a hole in the roof, Lisa and Milhouse dump more frogs. 
% Although procuring the frogs took all of their money, they're
% confident the plague will force Pharaoh to let their people go.
%
% Alas, Pharaoh just sits down to a heaping plate of frogs' legs.

Skinner:	These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten.  Ra 
		has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.
Lisa:		It's a plague, you moron!  And we got lots more 
		planned -- and there's nothing you can do about it!
		[Maybe there is.  Wiggum takes the two to the 
		pyramid, where he shoves them down a shaft]
Wiggum:		So long, kids!  Give my regards to the British 
		Museum.
		[laughs as the top of the shaft is sealed]
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Lisa and Milhouse land in a room decorated from floor to ceiling
% with hieroglyphics.  Milhouse asks the obvious question.

Milhouse:	Do you think we could ever be more than just 
		friends?
Lisa:		Not now, Moses, we've got to find a way out of here.
		[they look around for an escape route.  Time passes]
		I know we built a secret passage in here somewhere.
Milhouse:	I found it.  [points to a button showing a man being 
		impaled by spikes protruding from the walls] We're 
		out of here!  [pushes the button]
		[the passageway leading to the shaft closes, spikes 
		come out of the walls, and the walls themselves 
		slowly close in, like in the old adventure movies.  
		Unlike the old movies, the spikes meet in the 
		middle, halting the walls before they can harm 
		Milhouse and Lisa]
Lisa:		Eh.  Slave labor -- you get what you pay for.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Milhouse and Lisa climb the spikes, like a ladder, until they reach
% the top of the pyramid.  They remove the capstone and slide down the
% side, blowing a rams' horn.  "Our time has come!" Milhouse shouts. 
% "Follow me to freedom!"  Meanwhile, Bart is chiseling "I will not
% deface," as a rebus, into the blackboard.  He hears the commotion
% and runs outside.
%
% Wiggum runs into Skinner's chamber to tell him the children of
% Israel are escaping.  Skinner is unconcerned until he is reminded
% that this would leave him without a labor force.
%
% Meanwhile, the children have reached the shore of the Red Sea.

Lisa:		Oh, we'll never be able to swim that far.
		[Skinner and his army of chariots appear on the 
		horizon]
Bart:		Oy, caramba!
Milhouse:	[throws down his staff] Screw this; I'm converting.  
		[to the sky] Save us, o mighty Ra!
Lisa:		Hey, cut that out!  I have an idea.
		[shortly later, as clouds gather, the children are 
		lined up at the latrines]
		Okay, Moses -- lead your people.
Milhouse:	Flush!
		[the children do so, in unison.  The Red Sea is soon 
		drained]
		It's a miracle!  I performed a miracle!  I'm a 
		genius!
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Lisa exhorts everyone to cross.  Skinner sees what has happened and
% commands his troops into the "temporarily dry sea."  As soon as they
% are part of the way across, the water returns, swamping them all. 
% The men surface, and begin horsing around like kids in a pool.  Lou
% complains that Eddie is splashing him, but Wiggum just tells him to
% splash Eddie back.
%
% Safely on the other side of the sea, the children cheer.

Milhouse:	Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt.  So, what's next for 
		the Israelites?  Land of milk and honey?
Lisa:		[consulting a scroll] Hmm, well, actually it looks 
		like we're in for forty years of wandering the 
		desert.
Milhouse:	Forty years?  But after that, it's clear sailing for 
		the Jews, right?
Lisa:		[nervously] Uh-huh-hum, more or less -- hey, is that 
		manna?  [the children cheer and run off into the 
		distance]
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% [End of Act Two.  Time:  12:08]
%
% By now, Lovejoy has reached the book of Kings.  He likens Solomon's
% wisdom to a drill boring into the rock of injustice.  "Boring,
% boring, boring ..."
%
% Homer is dreaming now, and he dreams that he is wise King Solomon. 
% Wiggum comes in with Lenny and Carl.

Wiggum:	King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute.  
	They each claim ownership of this pie.  [takes it from 
	under a cloth]
Homer:	The pie shall be cut in two.  [cleaves it with his knife, 
	and holds out the two halves]  And each man shall receive 
	... death.  [Lenny and Carl are dragged off]
	I'll eat the pie.  [does so]
Wiggum:	Okay, next up:  Jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot.
	[theme music similar to "The Peoples' Court" plays, and 
	podiums for the Plaintiff and Defendant are brought in.  
	Jesus, wearing a suit and a neck brace, walks to the 
	podium.  He and the defendant eye each other warily.  
	Then, Jesus straightens up His files, labeled, "My 
	Accident"]
-- The cases are real ..., "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Back in waking reality, Homer has rolled over onto Bart's arm, but
% the boy manages to yank it free, toppling his father in the process. 
% As Lovejoy drones on about King David, Bart uses Marge's hair as a
% pillow and nods off.
%
% Now Bart, wearing a toga and crown, lounges on a couch while being
% tended to by Sherri and Terri.

Bart:	I'm bored.  Send in my jester.
	[Terri claps, and Krusty enters]
Krusty:	Hey, hey, King David!  How you doin'?  Now, I'm not saying 
	Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was 
	known for its pottery.  Ha, ha.
Bart:	What else you got?
Krusty:	[reads through a scroll] Eh, well, wait a minute, I got 
	something on the Canaanites.  They are so stupid --
	[Abe stumbles in, and collapses near Bart.  A bloody knife 
	is in his back]
Bart:	Methuselah, my oldest friend, who did this to you?
Abe:	[in pain] Oh, it was Goliath.
Bart:	But Goliath is dead.  I smote him myself.  I smoted him 
	good.  [gestures toward a mural of Bart standing over a 
	slain Goliath]
Abe:	No, it was his son, Goliath II.  [dies]
Bart:	Nooooooo!  Goliath II is gonna pay.  And this time, it's 
	Biblical.
-- From the producers of "Pharaoh's Revenge," "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Cut to a title card, which reads "David Vs. Goliath" in stone
% letters.  Bart strides up, and hits the letters with a stone from
% his slingshot.  The letters crumble, revealing the new title, "D vs.
% G2:  Stone Cold."  Another stone crumbles these letters, revealing
% the city of Jerusalem, as it stood in 970 BCE.
%
% Bart and Santa's Little Helper walk into the town square.

Bart:	I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head, 
	applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in 
	school, and we're outta here.
SLH:	I don't know, Davey!
Bart:	Quiet, you.
SLH:	Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.  [pokes Bart with his 
	nose]
	[thunderous footsteps herald Goliath II's (played in 
	Bart's dream by Nelson) arrival]
Nelson:	Let's get it on.
SLH:	See you later, Davey.  [runs off]
-- King's best friend, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Bart and Nelson get ready to rumble.

Bart:	You killed my best friend.
Crowd:	Ooh!
Nelson:	You killed my father, who was like a best friend.
Crowd:	Ooh!
Bart:	All I need is my trusty sling and one good, hard ... 
	[feels around for a stone, but the square has been swept 
	clean] Um, say, how's tomorrow for you?
-- Never a stone around when you need one, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Nelson picks Bart up and pounds him head-first into the ground. 
% Then he lifts Bart up.  Bart seizes the opportunity to grab Nelson's
% sword and shear off some of the giant's hair.  That would have been
% a brilliant strategy, if he had been fighting, oh, Samson.  The
% technique has no effect on Goliath, who slingshots Bart miles away
% from the city.  Nelson picks up Bart's crown wears it as a ring.

Let my proclamation go out across the land:  HA-ha!
-- Nelson (as Goliath II), "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Bart lands in a mud puddle, something he hopes won't get into the
% final draft of the Bible.  Ralph, a shepherd, recognizes him.  Bart
% tells Ralph that he needs to find a new hero; Bart is washed up. 
% Ralph decides to stop Goliath II himself.
%
% Cut to a shot of Ralph's grave.  Bart and Ralph's sheep mourn.  Bart
% resolves to avenge him.  "Get ready to meet the first action hero,"
% he says, as he begins a program of intensive physical training.  The
% sheep help him out, acting as free weights, sit-up partners, and
% arm-wrestling opponents.
%
% Under the cover of darkness, Bart makes his assault on the Tower of
% Babel, which Goliath II is using as a stronghold.  The tower turns
% out to be a tricky obstacle.  Bart tries to use a grappling hook to
% climb the wall, but the hook keeps snagging the tower guards. 
% Unfortunately, Bart has no Plan B.
%
% Nelson finishes eating dinner -- a whale -- and tosses the skeleton
% out the window.  Inside the whale is a skeleton of a man, which Bart
% presumes to be Jonah.  A giant ear of corn lands next to Bart, and
% this is his first break of the night.  He uses the corn holders as
% hand-picks to scale the tower walls and confront Goliath II.

Nelson:	I trampled four giant-slayers today.  I think I earned 
	this.  [takes a giant cigar and lights it]
Bart:	Don't you know smoking stunts your growth?
Nelson:	Well, well, well, if it isn't the little prince.
Bart:	I'm not afraid of you, Goliath.  Before, I was arrogant.  
	But now, my heart is humble, and my spirit is --
	[Nelson kicks Bart into the wall.  Then, a giant fork 
	lifts him off the ground]
Nelson:	What do you know?  A king fit for a meal.  [brings Bart 
	toward his mouth]
Bart:	[grabs a lamp -- the kind that Aladdin uses to summon 
	genies] Hope I don't give you heartburn!
	[throws the lamp down Nelson's mouth.  There is a terrific 
	explosion.  As the smoke clears, Bart struggles to his 
	feet.  Nelson is nowhere to be seen]
	Great news, everyone!  Goliath is dead!  Although I 
	haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me 
	surely killed the giant.
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Not so fast.  Nelson, looking bigger and meaner than ever, rises
% from the ruins of the tower, and reaches for Bart.  Without warning,
% something hits him from behind.  Nelson loses his balance and falls
% to his death in the courtyard below.  Embedded in his neck is
% Ralph's tombstone.  Ralph himself walks up, twirling a slingshot. 
% Looks like he wasn't dead, after all, and has dealt the fatal blow.

Bart:		[sliding down a rope to the street] Rejoice, good 
		people.  Goliath the terrible shall rule no more!
Hibbert:	But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
Bart:		What?
Hibbert:	He built roads, hospitals, libraries ...
Carl:		To us, he was Goliath the Consensus Builder.
Eddie:		You're under arrest -- for megacide.
		[handcuffs Bart and takes him to the paddy wagon]
Wiggum:		Where's your messiah, now?  [crowd laughs]
-- Now he says it, "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% Bart's dream -- complete with production credit -- comes to a close.
%
% He snaps awake in church, and rouses the rest of the family.  They 
% look around to find that they are the only ones there.

Lisa:	Everyone's gone!
Marge:	[leaving] Oh, how embarrassing.  Ooh, we slept right 
	through church.
Homer:	Eh, not the end of the world.
	[they open the doors, to find that the world is engulfed 
	in fire and brimstone.  The Four Horseman of the 
	Apocalypse gallop across the sky]
Marge:	No, it's the Apocalypse!  Bart, are you wearing clean 
	underwear?
Bart:	Not any more.
Lisa:	It's the Rapture, and I never knew true love.
Homer:	I never used those pizza coupons!
	[the Flanders, praying, are caught in a beam of light, and 
	float peacefully Heavenward]
Marge:	Why aren't we ascending into Heaven?  [pause] Oh, right -- 
	the sins.
	[just then, Lisa starts to ascend.  Homer grabs her by the 
	foot]
Homer:	Where do you think you're going, missy?
Lisa:	Da-a-d!
	[the earth at the Simpsons' feet collapses, forming a 
	stairway to Hell.  Homer sniffs the air]
Homer:	Ooh, I smell barbecue!  [runs down the stairs.  The rest 
	of the family slowly follows]
	Hey look -- [screams horribly] Oh, they're out of hot 
	dogs!  And the coleslaw has pineapple in it!  Aah!  German 
	potato salad!
-- "Simpsons Bible Stories"

% AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" plays in lieu of the usual closing theme.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time (including song):  20:41]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{al}  Andrew Levine
{bc}  Ben Collins
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{bp}  Brian Petersen
{bs}  Bryton Sampson
{by}  Bob Yantosca
{ck}  Christian Kammerer
{dc2} David Cross
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{ds2} David Sewell
{er}  Evan Ross
{gw}  Gary Wilson
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jm}  Jason Moulton
{js}  Jay Sherman
{ms}  Mike Smith
{pt}  Paul Tomko
{ss}  Samuel Sklaroff
{tr}  Tom Rinschler

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  This
capsule has been brought to you by Akbar and Jeff's Religion Hut.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.