The New Kid on the Block			       Written by Conan O'Brien
							 Directed by Wes Archer
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[$Id$]
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> Title sequence

>> Blackboard
	{I will not bring sheep to class}.
	{I will not bring sheep} at cutoff.

>> Lisa's solo
	Traditional.

>> Driveway

	Homer yells, ``D'oh!'' when Lisa scoots past.
	Homer yells, ``Wooh!'' when the car closes in on him.

>> Couch

	The couch falls through the floor.

> Quotes and scene summary

%
% Homer's viewing of the television program ``Hunks'' is interrupted by a
% visitor:  It's the next-door neighbor Mrs. Winfield, who is moving to
% Florida with her husband.  She asks Homer to do a few things to help
% her sell the house.  Like wear pants when he stands in the window.
% Homer refuses.
%
% While mowing the lawn, Homer is drawn to the boxes of discarded coathangers,
% old newspapers, and expired medicine.	 Unable to stop himself, he takes
% them into the house.

Marge: That medicine's not for you!
Homer: [emptying assorted bottles of medicine]
       C'mon, Marge!  Maybe I'm not getting enough...
       [reads the label] estrogen.
-- Can't get enough, uh huh, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The argument is interrupted by a television commercial for the
% all-you-can-eat dinner at ``The Frying Dutchman'' seafood restaurant.

Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood.  The last time I ate shrimp,
       my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions.
Homer: Mmm... shrimp...
-- Mmm... convulsions... ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The Winfields' real estate agent shows a couple the home.

Wife:  Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so let's just pay
       whatever the Winfields want.
Agent: That could work.
-- Flexibility is our middle name, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The sound of Homer's belching draws their attention, and they see Homer
% lounging in the wading pool, fishing a half-eaten weiner [sic] from
% the water, and eating it.  This changes their minds.
%
% Bart and Lisa tiptoe past the ``SOLD'' sign on the Winfields' front lawn
% and sneak in the basement window.  Bart preys on Lisa's anxiety by
% improvising a scary story about the Winfields.  This spooks Lisa, who
% runs off in fear.  As Bart chuckles, a shadowy figure sneaks up on our
% hero and grabs him.  Bart screams and faints.
%
% Blackness.
%
% ``Hey, kid.  Wake up.''  The 15-year-old figure introduces herself
% as the new neighbor.

Laura: Are you all right?
Bart's brain: She's beautiful.	Say something clever.
Bart's mouth: [meekly] I fell on my bottom.
Bart's brain: D'oh!
-- Thinking fast on one's bottom, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% [End of Act One.  Time: 3:29]
%
% As ``Clumsy Student Movers'' unload the van, Laura welcomes Marge to their
% home.	 Marge is impressed by the girl's manners.
%
% Marge plays Welcome Mobile for the new family, adding to the promotional
% gifts a coupon for a free drink at Moe's Tavern.

Woman: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially
       after that TIME cover story, ``America's Worst City''.
Marge: [proudly] You could see our house in that photo!
-- Was Homer in the window without any pants on?  ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The next item in the basket is for the man of the house, which is an
% optional extra in this 90's family, Laura's parents having divorced
% two years ago.

Woman: They're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career,
       career, career.
Homer: [outside, scolding SLH]  hammock.  Do you understand?
       Mine!  ... Don't look at me that way!
-- The exception that proves the rule, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% On the front kerb, Bart and Laura exchange schoolyard stunts, and Laura's
% smart retort scares away a proto-menacing Kerny and Dolph.  Laura offers
% to read Bart's palm:	``You're going to be rich!  There's your mansion.
% Here's the tennis court.''  She spits into Bart's hand.  ``And there's
% the swimming pool!''	Laura makes a playful escape back into the house.
% Bart admires his wet palm.  ``I'll never wash this hand again.''
%
% And he doesn't.  The hand is filthy, but the pool of spit remains.  Lisa
% tries to get Homer to tell Bart to wash his hand, but Homer is busy trying
% to find a babysitter.

Homer: I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister.  I look after her now.
Abigail: [rocking but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair]
       [speaking to no one in particular]  No, Bart.  Put it down, Bart.
       Bart, put it down.
-- And come out with your hands up, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Homer is disappointed that he wore his extra-loose pants for nothing.
% Bart suggests Laura could baby-sit, and Lisa takes the opportunity to
% tease him.  Bart lunges for her with his filthy hand, but she quickly
% steps aside, landing Bart's hand on SLH, who runs off, Bart's hand
% sticking like glue.
%
% At the neighbor's house, Laura's mother agrees to let her baby-sit.

Homer: Uh, and there was something else...  Something I was supposed to
       tiptoe around...
Laura's mother: My divorce.
Homer:  it!  Woo-hoo!  I'm glad  of us remembered.
        could've been embarrassing.
-- A close call, ``The New Kid on the Block''

Laura's mother: Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.
       I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you
       can arrange it.	After all, Homer, I do have the normal ... appetites.
Homer: [knowingly] Heh, heh, heh.  I know what you mean.
       [just checking] Just let me make sure we're not talking about food.
Laura's mother: I'm not.
Homer: [as if he knew it all along] Right!  Me neither.
       [just checking] We're talking about sex, right?
Laura's mother: Right.
Homer: I hear you loud and clear!
-- But does he understand?  ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Lisa is surprised to find Bart... taking a bath?

Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
-- Bart takes a bath, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart welcomes Laura in a velvet smoking jacket, complete with (bubble) pipe.
% Lisa and Bart leave Laura to decide what to have for dinner.
% At the empty ``Two Guys from Kabul'' restaurant, the phone rings, and the
% two guys fight over it.
%
% While Laura introduces the kids to take-out Afghan food, Homer and Marge
% order dinner at The Frying Dutchman.

Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge:	Mmm, what about the bread?  Does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
-- One slice of bread with not so much fish in it later...
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Marge contents herself with some Tic-Tacs in her purse, while Homer eagerly
% orders the all-you-can-eat dinner.  Even before the waiter can give him his
% plate, Homer is at the buffet cart, carting away an entire of shrimp.
%
% At the Simpsons residence, Laura goads, ``Come on, Bart.  If I can teach
% Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.''  Maggie dances with Snowball.  Laura
% places Bart's hand on her hip, and they dance.  Bart drifts into
% fantasy-land, where he and Laura dance divinely, though Laura takes the
% opportunity to give him a wedgie at the end.
%
% Homer continues to gorge himself on shrimp, Marge having fallen asleep,
% and the rest of the restaurant staff waiting anxiously, as it is already
% closing time, the chairs upended.  Captain McAlister tries to convince
% Homer to leave.

Can't talk.  Eating.
-- Homer, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The proprietor finally throws Homer out.  It takes two attempts.
%
% Marge lies in bed, but Homer is furious and wants to make an issue out of
% the incident.

Homer: This is my quest.  I'm like that guy.  That Spanish guy.
       You know, he fought the windmill...
Marge: Don Quixote?
Homer: No, that's not it.  What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
Marge: Don Quixote.
Homer: No!
Marge: I really think that was the character's name.  Don Quixote.
Homer: Fine!  I'll look it up!	[heads off and consults a reference]
Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it?
Homer: [quietly fuming]	 Nevermind.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At the Kwik-E-Mart, Bart plays backseat driver as Laura plays ``Death Row''.
% Upon reaching the Conservative Judge, the Insanity Plea fails to work, so
% Bart suggests a Change of Venue.  Unfortunately, it changed to the Texas
% electric chair.  ``If I'd hit the Remorse button one more time I would'a
% made it.''
%
% Homer pays a visit to Lionel Hutz's ``I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm''
% law firm.

Homer: All you can eat.	 Ha!
Hutz:  Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fradulent advertising
       since my suit against the film, ``The Never-Ending Story''.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Hutz:  I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero
       in American history.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
-- I'm sorry, did I say `hero'?	 I meant `zero'.
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart pays a visit to Grampa (coincidentally, on the elder Simpson's
% birthday), asking for advice on older women, but it doesn't seem to be
% much help.  In a move betraying his lack of brain cells, Bart turns to
% Homer for advice.  Homer tries to act busy, but Marge insists that
% Homer talk to Bart about... you-know...  Homer believes Bart should learn
% the same way he did, then reconsiders.  Marge leaves the two alone.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around]	a refrigerator!
They're about six feet tall,  300 pounds.  They make ice, and... um...
[spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute.  Actually, a woman is more
like a beer.  They smell good, they look good, you'd step over
your own mother to get one!  [downs the beer]  But you can't stop at
one.  You wanna drink another woman!  [gets another woman out of the woman]
-- Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers,
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Many women later, Homer babbles incoherently, then passes out.
%
% Bart lies unhappily in bed.  ``How can I get her to notice me?''
% Laura opens Bart's bedroom window.  ``Meet me at the treehouse, Bart.
% And come alone.''  She vanishes.  Bart swallows hard.
%
% Bart paces nervousely in the treehouse, then turns around to see Laura
% in a heart-stopping red dress.  She explains, ``I'm so happy, I just had
% tell someone.	 I have a boyfriend.''	Bart reacts with stunned horror,
% envisioning Laura teaching his heart of of his chest and drop-kicking
% it into the trashcan.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:34]
%
% And to rub salt in the wound, Laura's boyfriend is Jimbo.  Bart flashes
% back to another of Jimbo's abuses.

Bart:  How can you like that guy?
Laura: I dunno.	 Maybe because he's an outlaw.
       You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house?
Bart:  Jimbo killed him?
Laura: No.  [dramatically]  But he poked him with a stick.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Jimbo, the self-proclaimed ``Dr. Tongue'', arrives on his motorcycle to
% pick up Laura.  ``Who's the dork?''  ``Leave him alone.  He's just a kid.''
% Laura's words echo in Bart's head.

Bart:  I'll show  who's ``just a kid''!
Marge: [calling] Bart, bedtime!	 I laid out your jammy-jams!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At dinner, everyone digs into light grey goop with gusto, except for Bart,
% who has no appetite.	Bart's request for advice fails to work.
%
% Homer and Marge leave the kids in Laura's care...

Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad.
Homer: [hugs her] Thanks.  That means a lot to me.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Laura tells the kids to be in bed before Jimbo arrives.

Bart: What do you like about him?  He's just a good-looking rebel
      who plays by his own rules.
Lisa+Laura: [wistful sigh]
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At Night Court, Captain McAlister presents his testimony, though undermined
% by the fact that he's not really a captain.  The defense attorney offers
% to show the court how much shrimp Homer ate.	Aides bring in bags upon bags
% of stuff, emptying them on the judge's desk.

Aide:	  Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
Attorney: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.
	  That's next door.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

Is it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no
other food was available?
-- The defense attorney cross-examines Marge,
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% During the proceedings, a Domino's pizza is delivered for Homer.
% Lionel Hutz draws out of Marge the fact that after being thrown
% out of the restaurant, they drove around until 3am looking for
% another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant, and failing that, they
% went fishing.	 Marge collapses in tears.  Hutz addresses the jury of
% Homer's peers (all overweight citizens).  Captain McAlister
% approaches Homer and offers a settlement.
%
% Marge covers her face as Homer chows down heartily on all the food
% he can eat, at the window table.  A huge crowd of onlookers have
% gathered, and Captain McAlister ushers them inside, barking, ``Come for
% the freak; stay for the food.''
%
% Bart eavesdrops on Jimbo and Laura on the couch, smooching.  Bart has
% a plan.  Meanwhile, Laura's mother has considerable difficulty getting
% Moe to accept the coupon for a free beer.  ``No, this is... Bo's Cavern.''

Moe: [answers the phone]  Yeah, just a sec; I'll check.
     [calls]  Amanda Hugginkiss?  Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss.
     Where can I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
     [bar denizens laugh]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B.  Why, when I find out who you are,
     I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving
     dogs in your butt!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart answers, ``My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen
% Terrace.''  Moe celebrates victory.  ``I knew he's slip up sooner or
% later!''  He unsheathes a rusty knife and heads out of the tavern.

Moe:	Hey, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?
	Gasp!  Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!  [drinks it]
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Moe's angry dash through town is momentarily put on hold while he
% consults his map to find Evergreen Terrace.  Moe bursts into the
% Simpsons home as Jimbo and Laura are making out.  He brandishes his
% knife, and Jimbo falls to his knees, begging and crying for mercy.
% Bart gloats, ``That's your outlaw?''	Moe leaves for the Tavern,
% where Barney is sucking beer straight from the tap, pausing briefly
% until his heart starts beating again.
%
% Laura shows Jimbo to the door, suggesting they not see each other any more.
% She concedes to Bart that he was right after all.

As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
-- Bart, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% ``You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teen-aged moustache,
% I'd go out with you in a second.''  She gives him a peck on the cheek.

Laura: [on the phone]  Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle?	First name...
Bart:  [whispers]
Laura: [continues]  Ivana?
Moe:   [on the phone]  Ivana Tinkle, just a sec.
       [calls]	Ivana Tinkle!  Ivana Tinkle!  Hey, everybody, put down your
       glasses.	 Ivana Tinkle!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% All, including Homer and Captain McAlister (who apparently stopped by the bar
% for a drink) enjoy the joke.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:14]

> Voice Credits
>> Starring
    Dan Castellaneta	    (Homer, Barney, Grampa, Defense attorney)
    Julie Kavner	    (Marge)
    Nancy Cartwright	    (Bart)
    Yeardley Smith	    (Lisa)
    Hank Azaria		    (Apu)
    \:	  and
    Harry Shearer	    (nearly everybody else)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Sara Gilbert	    (Laura)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Phil Hartman	    (Lionel Hutz)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Pamela Reed		    (Laura's mother)
>> Also Starring
    Pamela Hayden
    Maggie Roswell

> Didja notice...

    ... Captain McAlister had a glass eye?
    ... the multiracial couple interested in the Winfield residence?
	How politically correct...

> Movie (and other) References

     * Miracle on 39th Street

> Comments and other observations

Sara Gilbert plays Roseanne's daughter on ``Roseanne''.
Pamela Reed plays a divorced parent on ``Grand''.

``Hunks'' is, of course, a spoof of the syndicated game show, ``Studs''.

Mrs. Winfield's voice has softened considerably.

Marge's allergy to seafood must be a relatively recent development, since
she ate at Chez Paree's (``Some Enchanted Evening''), the Rusty Barnacle
(``Homer's Night Out''), and The Happy Sumo (``One Fish...'') with no
visible ill effects.

It looks like Maggie was doing something closer to a cha-cha than a waltz.

The best part was the nine-frame ``family dinner'' scene-let.

Some odd things about the lawsuit:

    1. It's held at night?
    2. Why a jury for a civil suit?

And the answer to both questions, of course, is ``Because it's funny!''

Marge wasn't wearing lipstick in court.

> The boring copyright statement

Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.)