===================================================================== 2-Dec-92
> [8F23] Brother, can you spare two dimes?
==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
>> Bart's Blackboard punishment
        I will not fake seizures
        ..............          - at cutoff.

>> Lisa's Sax Solo
        ..............

>> The Driveway:
        ..............

>> The Couch:
        Everyone but Maggie cartwheel into place and strike a `Ta Da!' pose;
        Maggie bounces up to her regular place on the couch and does the
        same.  {recycled from 8F10}

==============================================================================
> Popular References
==============================================================================
    + The Gold Rush
        - the Charlie Chaplin hobo eating a boot.  {ajr}
    + Jimi Hendriks ``Purple Haze''
        - ``S'cuse Me while I kiss the sky; Marge.''
    + 2001:  A Space Odyssey
        - the big, coloured, circular Homer-eye made it gratuitous.  {jdb}
    + Star Trek
        - ``Dammit!  I said full power!'' -- an exclusive James T. Kirk
          utterance.
        - the Asian `navigator'.  {tk}
    ? Brainstorm
      The Emmy television entertainment awards.
      Davey and Goliath
        - Flanders' doorbell (see below).  {me}
      The Wizard of Oz
        - ``There's no vibrating chair in that bag for me?''  {me}

>> The mumble award for excellence

Rolf Wilson {rw}:  Has [anyone else] picked up on the parallel between the
    Montgomery Burns award and the Malcolm Baldrige excellence awards?  Or
    has a similarity of initials and my fevered imagination led me astray
    again?

Bob Yantosca {by}:  The Excellence award did indeed look like an Emmy,
    only they substituted a model of an atom (with a couple of electrons to
    boot) for the globe.  (And the winged figure had a resemblance to Monty
    himself. -dk)

>> Flanders' doorbell

Mark Eckenwiler {me}:  Astute viewers will have noted that the doorbell
    chimes ``Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott'' (A Mighty Fortress is Our God).
    I suspect this was chosen in part because of the hymn's association with
    that idiotic Christian values show from my childhood, ``Davey and
    Goliath''.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
    ... one of Homer's sperm had three eyes?
    ... around the fire, one of the hobos was eating a boot?  {ajr}
    ... Barney's blood on the bar room door?  {las}
    ... Smithers' sperm swam in tight formation...  {jd}
        ... and if you listen real close you can hear a Space Invaders
            type marching noise -- unh-ah unh-ah unh-ah unh-ah!  {tms}
    ... the teapot and cups hanging in the china hutch behind Bart during
        dinner look vaguely like the spaceship Discovery?  {rjc}
        (Probably a self-induced subliminal 2001 reference.)
    ... Herb used an "Oscilloscopes 4 Less" oscilloscope?  {las}
    ... the credits superimposed over the sperm were jiggling too?  {ajr}

==============================================================================
> Lists and Freeze-Frame Fun
==============================================================================
>> The Train
{las}
        Toxic Waste with glowing green slime
        Krusty's Sulfuric Acid  (loved this one -las)
        Emil's Fluffy Pillows  {rlg}

>> Homer's recollections of the couch

        Who Shot J.R.
        Hands Across America
        Berlin Wall Coming Down/Gomer Pyle

>> Great Works of Literature for Children

        Less than Zero
        `Some maudlin novel by Ethan Frome.'  {ma}

>> Herb's Baby Inventions

        Dog in a Ball
        Baby Remote Control Airplane
        Baby Translator  (patent number: 214661767 -rc)

>> Signs at the Baby expo

     Tu-Fr: Twin Convention  (a pun on "Two-fur"? -rjc)
     No Triplets!

==============================================================================
> Animation and continuity goofs
==============================================================================
    - The couch was broken, yet in the final scene, the couch stands
      good-as-new behind Homer's new chair.  {jjw}

==============================================================================
> References to previous episodes
==============================================================================
    ... the flashback to [7F16].

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
John J. Wood {jjw}:
    While I thought there were a few nice moments (Lisa's hotel joke, for
    example) and some occasionally clever dialogue, this episode felt flat
    to me (then again, it seems like I was the only one who loved the Spinal
    Tap episode;-)  Portions of the plot came off non-characteristically and
    forced (the awards ceremony), and the ending was an obvious set-up for a
    third DeVito appearance...not to mention attempting to get the audience
    to think "Maggie's first words?" in a too-predictable fashion (although
    I was pleased with more Maggie).  I probably need to watch it again on
    videotape, but as a whole, the episode appeared to attempt too much but
    accomplished too little.

Ted Frank {tf}:
    I have to say that I didn't enjoy this episode as much as the others
    from this season.  Not enough of the little subtleties that make a
    Simpsons episode great, too hard to suspend disbelief for a couple of
    the things (the settlement, which would've been thrown out of court were
    it really an issue, the whole concept of Herb's invention).  Plus,
    unusually, a lot of the jokes just fell flat.

David Hyatt {dh2}:
    On the one hand, I didn't like the episode because I found most of the
    dialogue, especially in the first half, to be somehow "off".  Burns'
    anti-lawyer rant was WAY "off".  The first Herb scenes were way "off".
    Just altogether wrong rhythms.  And that was just the writing.  Burns'
    voice was also way "off" in that rant.

    I [also] didn't like it because it was a lot of good little scenes
    pressed together.  And the ends of the "Acts" were very unnatural -- the
    "Homer falls off the balcony" ending was just like the "Homer almost
    chokes on the hamburger" ending of last season -- inconclusive, and
    distracting.

    On the other hand, I loved it for a lot of small scenes -- the 2001: A
    Space Odyssey reference, the Flanders' scene, the Raffi joke, the stupid
    award ceremony (with the obligatory "Websters defines..." introduction).

Larry Schwimmer {las}:
    True, it takes a leap of faith [to accept] both how he got the idea,
    its execution, and the marketing.  But, who cares?  They also all have
    four fingers...  Anyways, this is where Devito shines.  The deliveries
    of what the babies were saying was perfect.

==============================================================================
> Comments, questions, and other observations
==============================================================================
Alan Rosenthal {ajr}:  So was this the long-awaited Maggie's first words?
    If so, the joke's on us!

Jym Dyer {jd}:
    I shuddered at the thought of _New_Republic_for_Kids_.  Its parent
    magazine is sheer dingo's kidneys mindrot.  Lisa should know better!

==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene summaries
==============================================================================
%  At SNPP, some workers are lined up for the ``Annual Plant Physical
%  (No jokes please)''.  Lenny gets into line behind Homer, but Lenny has
%  seemingly forgotten his underfashions.  He and Homer make ``small'' talk.
%  (Bad pun moderately intended).

Homer: Forgot there was a physical today, huh?
Lenny: Yeah... [pause] Hey Homer, can I borrow your underwear?
Homer: Nah.

%  The computer screen in front of the tester is blinking some sort of
%  code red warning...

Tester: This can't be right; this man has 104% body fat...

%  Confused, he glances at the water tank only to find Homer enjoying what
%  appears to be a good sized Shakespeare's drumstick.

Tester: Hey!  No eating in the tank!
Homer:  Go to Hell.

%  Shift to the next scene as Homer comes home from work where he finds 
%  Marge in the kitchen basting a roast.  He goes to the fridge to procure
%  himself a cool Duff.

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual: stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, 
       bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough.

%  Meanwhile, at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Smithers is busily 
%  examining test results as Mr. Burns passes by.

Smithers: Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.
Monty:    Who?
Smithers: One of your cabbageheads from sector 7-G.  Take a look at this 
          sperm sample from his recent physical.

%  We see a microscope's view of poor Homey's lackluster sperm lounging
%  around the slide.  They all look like little Homers with flagella instead
%  of bodies.  One lay dormant having a nap and snoring at the bottom of the
%  frame, two come into view from opposite sides only to klunk noggins a
%  couple of times, while a third ``Blinky''-like three-eyed HomeySperm 
%  scoots across.  Burns is suitably disgusted.  Smithers then shows him
%  a ``normal'' sperm sample; a fleet of virile, grinning wee SmitherSperms
%  go jetting by.  Burns is quite impressed with this sample.

Smithers: I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason  he's ``shooting 
          blanks''.  He could sue us for *millions*.
Monty:    Mother of Pearl!  Call my lawyers!

%  Shift to Monty's office where six ``suits'' have come to offer legal 
%  advice to a domineering Mr. Burns.

Monty:  Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you.  I want
        your legal advice, I even pay for it.  But to me you're all *vipers*!  
        You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on
        pain and misery!  Vvvt...  But I'm... rambling...  Anybody want any 
        coffee?
Suit 1: I'll have some coffee.
Monty:  Want it *black*, don't you?  Black like your heart!  It's so hard for 
        me to listen to you!  I hate you all *so much*!  ...I'm sorry, it's my 
        problem, I'll deal with it.  Please continue.
Suit 1: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple thou, he'll be
        *so* dazzled, he'll sign *anything* you shove under his nose.
Monty:  Oh, *brilliant*.  A cash settlement!  I could have figured that out,
        you button-down maggot!  
Suit 1: You have any cream?
Monty:  Oh, yes, of course.  Where are my manners?

%  ``Meanwhile, below the poverty line'', the scene shifts to a railyard
%  where six bums are sitting in front of a fire.  As fate would have it,
%  one of the bums is none other than Herb, Homer's half-brother.

Bum 1:  Yeah, I used to be rich.  I owned ``Mickey Mouse Massage Parlours''.  
        Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down.  I said ``Look, I'll 
        change the logo, put Mickey's pants back on''.  Phhbt.  Some guys you
        just can't reason with.

Herb:  I used to own a successful car company.  My strategy was givin' 'em
       Japanese names.  You guys ever drive a Tempura hatchback?
Bum 2: Yeah, I got hit by one of those.

%  Herb goes on to explains how Homer ruined him by designing ``The Homer''
%  car for Herb's company.  We see flashbacks from 7F13.

Herb:  Forbes magazine called it the ``Blunder of the Century''.  Little 
       overblown, don't you think?  What about ``New Coke''?
Bum 3: Hey!  I invented that!

Herb:  Yeah, but all that's in the past.  'Cuz this is America.  And in 
       America, you're never finished as long as you've got a brain in your
       head.  Because all a man really needs is an idea...
Bum 1: Well, I'm licked.
Bum 2: Me too.

%  We shift back to OFF's homestead where Bart is demonstrating the ``Couch
%  Vault'', one of the events at ``The Living Room Olympics'' brought to you
%  by StainMaster carpets.  Unfortunately, his trajectory is off and instead
%  of clearing the couch, he lands on it thereby putting the oft-used piece
%  of furniture out of it's misery.  It lays tattered, splattered and 
%  shattered on the floor as Homer enters the room.

Homer: What the Hell are you two-- Auuugh!  Oh, my couch! The arms, the 
       seat...  The dream is over.

%  Homer's dejection quickly turns to anger and he tries to find out who the
%  culprit is.  Unfortunately for him, presumably a few years of covering for 
%  each other have given Bart and Lisa the advantage as they dupe their Dad.

Homer: All right, who did this?
Bart:  We were just sitting on the couch, quietly chatting, when we heard a
       creaking noise.
Lisa:  We leaped off, just in time to see it collapse.
Bart:  There, there.  You're safe now, little sister.

%  Hook, line and sinker.

Homer: Well, why did this have to happen now during Prime Time, when T.V.'s
       brightest stars come out to shine?

%  Homer holds a silent eulogy to the fallen chesterfield, recalling all the
%  great times they've had together:  The ``Who Shot J.R.'' episode of 
%  ``Dallas'' (a receding hairline Homer is shocked at who did it), ``Hands 
%  Across America'' (The Flanders' join Marge, Bart and Lisa in the chain
%  while a near-totally bald Homer sits on the couch with a Duff as the
%  T.V. reports that ``Except for huge gaps in the western states, H.A.A. was
%  a complete success...''), Tom Brokaw reports that ``They're dancing on
%  the Berlin Wall'' which a bored and cue-ball headed Homer quickly turns off 
%  in favour of an ``uproarious'' episode of ``Gomer Pyle''...)

Homer: Well friend, you're going back to where you came from-- the curb in 
       front of Flanders' house.

%  The scene shifts to a park where Herb is on a park bench digging in
%  his noggin for an idea to make him rich again.  A crying baby and her
%  frustrated mother give Herb the inspiration...

Herb: Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime!  How do I thank you?
Lady: Please don't hurt me.
Herb: Consider it done.

%  Meanwhile, back at SNPP, the boys console a dejected Homer.

Lenny:    Hey pal, I heard about the couch.
Karl:     Yeah, you gonna be okay?
Homer:    Yeah, you know, my life just can't get any worse.  
          [Long pause]
          That's right.  There's no way my life could possibly get *any* worse.
          [Short pause]
Smithers: Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office at once.
homer:    D'oh!

%  The six ``suits'' and Smithers are with Mr. Burns in his office as Homer 
%  enters.

Monty: Is this the one with the lazy sperm?
Smithers: Um-hm.
Monty: Simpson, you big virile son-of-a-gun!  How would you like a cheque for
       2 000 dollars?
Homer: Would I!
Monty: All you have to do is sign this form.
Homer: Wait a minute!  I'm not signing anything until I read it or someone
       gives me the gist of it.

Monty: D'oh...  Alright well, it just explains that you've... won... yes, 
       that's it... won the... first annual... uh... Montgomery Burns... uh...
       Award for... uh... outstanding achievement in the... the... the field of 
       uh...  *excellence*!
Homer: Don't I get some sort of trophy?  And a big award ceremony?

%  Well, the next thing you know the scene shifts to the Springfield Civic
%  Center where an Emmy-esque gala is going on.  A big production number
%  opens the First Annual M.B.A.F.O.A.I.T.F.O.E. show, complete with cheesy
%  dance steps and props (the set is two cooling towers on each side of the 
%  stage with a huge Emmy-esque statue in the middle-- the figure holding
%  the ``ball'' is a winged twenty-foot golden Monty.  Up in the balcony,
%  Lisa comments on the precedings...

Lisa: This award show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Monty: And now to present the award, here's former heavyweight champion
       Smokin' Joe *Frazier*!
Joe:   Webster's Dictionary defines "excellence" as: "the quality or condition
       of being excellent".  And now the winner of T.M.B.A.F.O.A.I.T.F.O.E...

%  Homer wins (of course), and the spotlight finds him in the balcony with OFF
%  as the Simpsons' theme plays.  Homer does the inevitable and falls over
%  the edge into the orchestra.

[End of Act One - Time 7'11"]

% At Moe's Tavern, Homer, Moe, Barney and Joe Frazier relax after all the 
%  excitement of the evening...

Joe: Keep those pickled eggs comin', Moe.
Moe: You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe.

Moe:   Whatsa matter, Homer?  Cummerbund too tight?
Homer: I miss my couch.
Joe:   I know how you feel.  You lost a couch.  I lost the heavyweight 
       championship.
Homer: Phhhbt.  ``Heavyweight Championship''-- there's like *three* of those;
       that couch was one of a kind.

Joe:    Homer, I know things are tough now.  But one day you'll be walking
        along and you'll see a piece of furniture you can love just as much.
Barney: Hey Frazier, shut up!
Joe:    Barney, you've been riding my back all night...
Barney: Oh yeah?  Care to step outside?
Joe:    Let's do it.

%  Uhhh, Barney, do you realise who you're dealing with?  Anyway, the boys 
%  step outside, punches are thrown, blood is splattered on Moe's door, but
%  as Barney lay upside down in a trash can, he brings it all into perspective.

Barney: Alright!  A peanut!

%  Back below the poverty line, Herb informs the troops of his newly found
%  inspiration.

Herb:  I'm tellin' ya, all a man needs is an idea.  And I've got an *idea*!
Bum 1: Then how come you're still a bum?
Herb:  Alright, a man needs two things: an idea and money to get it off the
       ground.

%  A discarded newspaper informs Herb of Homer's windfall.  He hops on the
%  next freight train to Springfield.  While finding an appropriate car to
%  ride in, he ignores the toxic waste car, a cage of lions, and a broken
%  Krusty Brand Sulfuric Acid car, opting instead for the Emil's Fluffy
%  Pillows car.  Meanwhile, Homer walks the streets in search of solace.

Homer: I feel so empty... so alone... so... *couchless*...

%  An anonymous furniture store he passes may hold the key...

Homer: Wow!  The SpineMelter 2000!

%  The next day, OFF is in the store for a demonstration of the vibrating
%  chair from a suspiciously Sulu-esque salesman.

Homer:    Give me full power.
Salesman: But sir--
Homer:    Dammit!  I said full power!

%  After a ``2001''-ish warp thingie where everything in Homer's view melts
%  into colours, Homer says he wants the chair.  As should be expected,
%  however, Marge injects a touch of reality.

Marge: This chair is $2 000!  We could buy a whole living room set for that.
Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me.  I tried to
       fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead
       ends!  I think this chair is the answer.
Marge: This money was a blessing!  We can't just spend it on some creature 
       comfort.
Homer: Alright, we won't get the chair.  Now excuse me, while I kiss the sky...

%  As Homer continues to try out the chair, Herb is in the Simpson's neck
%  of the woods, but mistakenly goes to Flanders' house instead of OFF's.
%  He rings the hymn-chiming doorbell.

Flanders: Yes?
Herb:     Oh, uh, sorry.  I must have the wrong house.
Flanders: Oh, that's where you're wrong, friend.  Aren't we in luck?  Today
          is our "tithe" day, and we've got ourselves a transient!  Come in,
          my friend.  Let us feed and bathe you.
Herb:     Hey, wait a minute...
Todd:     Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet?
Flanders: I think it's Mom's turn, son.
Todd:     Awwww, no fair.

%  Later, Herb exits the house shaven, groomed and wearing a new suit.

Herb:     Well, thanks for the suit.
Flanders: If you ever want to spend the night, Maude and I can sleep on card
          tables!

%  While the Flanders' continue to croon ``Onward Christian Soldier'' as Herb
%  leaves their serendipitous presence, Homer reflects on how much he loves
%  his neighbours...

Homer: Oh, they're singing again.  Lousy neighbours.  I wish I was deaf.

%  The doorbell rings, and outside we see a nervous Herb contemplating what he
%  should say when he finally sees Homer...

Herb:  What am I gonna say?  This is the guy who ruined me.  But on the 
       other hand, he's family.  So many conflicting emotions...  How to 
       express them?
Homer: Herb?!
       [Whack!]

%  As Homer drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes, Herb steps over the
%  body and is greeted by Bart and Lisa playing cards in the dining room.

B + L: Unkie Herb!
Herb:  Bart!  Lisa!  I'm so glad to see ya!
Homer: You weren't so glad to see me!
Herb:  I'm sorry Homer, but I'm still mad at ya.  Every word you say just 
       makes me want to punch ya in the face.
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the
       butt?
Herb:  Well, I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

Marge: Herb!  How have you been?!
Herb:  I've been livin' in a cardboard box, sleepin' on crates, eatin'
       out of dumpsters...  You?
Marge: Well, can't complain...

Homer: Herb, lemme give you the grand tour.  This is one of our many light
       switches.  It functions in both the ``On'' and ``Off'' mode.  On...
       Off...  On...  Off...
Marge: Homer, he knows how to work a light switch.
Home: Oh...  Yeah, right.  I dunno what this switch does...

%  ``Merry Christmas And A Happy 1985'' lights up the roof of the homestead.
%  Subsequently, Herb and OFF sit down to dinner.

Herb:  Mmm, this is really good, Marge.
Marge: I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Council.
Homer: They do good work!

Bart: Unkie Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely 
      become a bum like yourself?
Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Herb: Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?
Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unkie Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say?  ``Dear Lisa, last 
      night I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your Pop?''
Lisa: I see your point.

%  As night falls, Herb goes upstairs and tucks in Lisa, then joins the rest
%  of OFF in the living room for a rousing game of Monopoly.
 
Herb:  1-2-3.  Ventnor Avenue.
Lisa:  And while on Ventnor Avenue, you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel
       Lisa.  A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble.  Of
       course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill...
Herb:  Get to the point.
Lisa:  1150 bones.
Herb:  Brrrr...  That's all I got!
Homer: Broke again, eh Herb?  Just like in real life, heh heh heh.  I guess
       you're just not much of a businessman--
       [Whack!]

%  As Homer rubs his jaw from Herb's right cross, Marge suggests they play
%  another game, while Bart voices some ``reason''.

Bart: Why are we playing games when we have two grand in the bank?  Remember
      when Dad won the F.A.M.B.A.F.O.A.I.T.F.O.E.?
Lisa: Well, I think we should invest in a set of ``The Great Books Of Western
      Civilisation''.  Look at this ad from ``New Republic For Kids'': Each
      month, a new classic will be delivered to our door.  ``Paradise 
      Regained'', ``Martin Cheselwitt'' or Herman Melville's twin-classics
      ``Omo'' and ``Typees''.

Homer: Wait Marge, didn't you want to spend that money on a vibrating chair?
Marge: That was *your* idea!

Bart:  I think we should get a machine gun.  We can use it to hunt game, 
       spell out things, or ring in the new year.
Marge: Well, *I* think we really neeed to replace the washer and dryer...

%  An unsuspecting Snowball II quietly cleans her fur in the basement while
%  the vibrating washer and dryer move ever closer.  Snowball II escapes with
%  a shriek.  Upstairs, Herb is making another suggestion for the money.

Herb:  How would you like to spend $2 000 to give a broken man a second 
       chance?
Homer: Nah.
Marge: Homer, wait.  Herb, what are you talking about?
Herb:  Not here.  Come into the dining room.  I want to give you a twenty 
       minute presentation that will change the world.
Homer: [incredulously and in fear of boredom]
       Twenty minutes!?!  Ohhhh...

%  The fam reconvenes at the dining table where Unkie Herb explains all.

Herb:  Okay, now before I tell you about my idea, I'd like to show you this.

%  Herb retrieves a tumbler of water and one of those old, funky birds that
%  bend over, drink the water, and stand up again.  Homer is understandably
%  beside himself with amazement.  It continues to ``drink'' from the glass
%  throughout Herb's presentation.

Homer: It's *drinking* the water!!!!
Herb:  Take it easy, Homer.  Now this is an example of how one little idea,
       carefully marketed--
Homer: This is the greatest invention in the world!  You'll make a million 
       dollars!
Herb:  Oh, Homer, that invention's out already.  I was just using it as an 
       example.
Homer: Heh hee heh hee...  It's going back for more...

%  Herb removes the distraction from the table and gets out a set of blueprints
%  showing his idea.  He notes to the table they'll have to use their 
%  imagination to picture the final product.  In his mind, Homer transforms 
%  the blueprints into another drinking bird...

Herb:  It's a ``Baby Translator''.  It measures the pitch, the frequency and
       the urgency of a baby's cries.  Then it tells whoever's around, in 
       plain English, exactly what the baby's trying to say.  Everything from
       ``Change me'' to ``Turn off that damn Raffi record''.
Marge: Hmmm, that's a very clever idea.
Herb:  All I need is a couple thousand dollars to build a prototype.  You'll
       have your money back in thirty days, I swear.
Lisa:  I think we owe a debt to Unkie Herb.  He took us into his home and
       Dad destroyed him.
Bart:  Dad, you know some scheister's going to bilk you out of your money,
       it may as well be your brother.
Homer: All right, Herb.  I'll lend you the 2 000 bucks.  But you have to 
       forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb:  Nope.
Homer: OK, then just give me the drinking bird.

[End of Act Two-- Time 8'15"]

%  Herb is doing some field research in the Simpson household with Maggie,
%  measuring her cries with oscilloscopes, etc. and figuring out what she
%  is saying.  After a few trials, we skip ahead to a suited Unkie Herb
%  making a presentation to OFF in the living room.

Herb:  Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet.
Bart:  Not really.  We peeked inside while you were in the john.
Herb:  Oh.  Well, here it is again.  My baby translator!!
       [Pause of dead silence and blank stares all around]
Marge: Wooooooh!!
Herb:  Marge, you don't have to humour me.
Marge: Well, it's pretty engrained.

Herb:  What do you think, Homer?
Homer: Herb, this is the *stupidest* thing I've ever seen.  I can't believe
       we blew 2 000 bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my
       buttocks.
Herb:  Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass!
Homer: I try, but I can't...

%  Maggie interrupts the proceedings to mumble something which the baby 
%  translator translates into ``Lavish attention on me, and entertain me.''
%  The family is subsequently impressed.  Lisa plays peek-a-boo with Maggie.

Lisa:       Maggie!  Maggie!
            [covers her eyes]
Maggie:     Blah blah blah?
Translator: Where did you go?
Lisa:       Peek-a-boo!
Maggie:     Blah blah blah!
Translator: Oh there you are.  Very amusing.

Herb:  Well, Homer, now what do you think?
Homer: I dunno, Herb.  People are afraid of new things.  You should have
       taken an existing product and put a clock in it, or something.
Marge: Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.

%  Maggie, um, interrupts the proceedings for an announcement.

Maggie:     Blah blah blah.
Translator: I have soiled myself.  How embarrassing.

%  Later, Homer and Marge are in bed.

Homer: I gave Herb all the money I had in the world.  And he still treats me
       like something he dug out of his ear.

%  Marge consoles poor Homey, and the next day we see Herb at the ``Baby
%  Expo: Tu-Fr: Twin Convention (No triplets!)''.  The camera scans the 
%  crowded floor and we see some of the other inventions competing with Herb
%  such as the ``Dog In A Ball'' and the radio-controlled airplane that seats
%  one toddler.  A crowd gathers around Herb's exhibit.

Baby 1:     Blah blah blah.
Translator: I only want to eat candy.
Mom 1:      Then that's all you'll get.
%  Reception among the crowd is lukewarm at best.  However, a passing child
%  on a leash and his Dad may hold the key to Herb's success.

Baby 2:     Blah blah blah.
Translator: This lease demeans us both.

%  The immediate area is jammed with parents and toy store representatives
%  trying to get a hold of one, two or 50 000 units.  Herb is rich again.

Herb:  I'm rich again!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

%  Back at the 'stead, Herb is leaving.

Herb:  Homer, here's a cheque for $2 000.  But I also wanted to give you each
       a little something for believing in me.  Lisa, this is the first
       volume of ``The Great Books Of Western Civilisation''.  You'll receive
       a new one every month.  Form ``Baywolf'' to ``Less Than Zero''.
Lisa:  Finally a copy of ``Ethan Frome'' to call my own!

Herb:  Now Bart, I know you're too young for that machine gun you wanted.
       But I'm going to give you something that'll make sure when you're old
       enough, you can still buy one.  A membership in the National Rifle 
       Association.
Bart:  Wow!  The NRA!  Can I get armour-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets, too?
Herb:  It's in the constitution, son!

Herb: Maggie, who brought me my fortune.  Just name anything you want in this
       world.
Maggie: Blah blah blah.
translator: I want what the dog's eating.
Homer: D'oh!
Herb: I'll get you something nice.

Herb:  Now, Marge--
Marge: Herb, I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need any gift from you.
Herb:  You're too late, Marge.  I got you a new washer and dryer.  And I sold 
       the old ones for 50 bucks!!

%  We quickly cut to Moe's Tavern where the aforementioned washer and dryer
%  are ``racing''.  The washer (#55) narrowly beats the dryer (#17).  Moe is
%  not amused, he obviously had money on the dryer and gives it a boot before
%  we scan back to OFF's house.

Homer: Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.
Herb:  Homer, walk me to my car.
Homer: What do I get!?  What do I get!?  It's not another punch in the face,
       is it?  Because if it is, I don't want it.
Herb:  This is what you get, Homer.  I forgive you.  You can call me brother,
       and I can do the same.
Homer: That's it?
Herb:  That's it.
Homer: I see your point, brother.
Herb:  Give me a hug, brother.
Homer: Alright, but I've never really hugged a man before.

%  As Homer gingerly hugs his brother, a big van from ``The Seatery'' pulls
%  up the driveway.

Herb: Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

%  An elated Homer kisses and hugs his brother and we cut to OFF watching the
%  tube in the living room, with Maggie petting the dog, Bart on the floor,
%  Lisa (reading ``Ethan Frome'') and Marge are on the couch (!), and Homer is 
%  in the SpineMelter.  The Executive Producer's credit appears with a 
%  vibrating HomerSperm backdrop.
==============================================================================
> Butchered scenes
==============================================================================
>> Butchered/Censored in Australia

==============================================================================
> Special Credits
==============================================================================
Written by ..........; Directed by ..............

Note: The Josh Weistein listed in the credits as a script editor is NOT the
same Josh Weistein of ``Mystery Science Theater 3000'' fame.

>> Also Starring

>> Special guest voice
        Danny De Vito as Herbert Powell.

==============================================================================
> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments
==============================================================================
This compilation and the scene summaries Copyright 1992 Chris Baird;
the quotes from The Simpsons are the property of the 20th Century FOX Film
Corporation, and reproduced contributions belong to their respective authors.
To be freely distributed through Usenet or any other associated networks on
the provision it remains unaltered and is not used to promote a commercial
service.

>> Significant contributions from...

  {ma} - Mark Atchison (atchison@cis.ohio-state.edu)
 {jdb} - J.D. Baldwin (baldwin@csservera.usna.navy.mil)
  {rc} - Ron Carter (rcarter@nyx.cs.du.edu)
 {rjc} - Raymond Chen
  {jd} - Jym Dyer (jym@mica.berkeley.edu)
  {me} - Mark Eckenwiler (eck@panix.com)
  {tf} - Ted Frank (thf2@ellis.uchicago.edu)
 {rlg} - Raymond L. Gilbert (pi@wam.umd.edu)
 {dh2} - David Hyatt (dhyatt@leland.stanford.edu)
  {dk} - Douglas Krause (dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu)
  {tk} - Tom Kuchar (kuchar@buast7.bu.edu)
 {ajr} - Alan J Rosenthal (flaps@dgp.toronto.edu)
 {las} - Larry Schwimmer (schwim@xenon.stanford.edu)
 {tms} - Timothy M. Schreyer
  {ss} - Scott Simpson (simpson@bnr.ca)
  {rw} - Rolf Wilson (rolf@geoserv.???)
 {jjw} - John J. Wood (jojw@uhura.cc.rochester.edu)
  {by} - Bob Yantosca (yantosca@buast7.bu.edu)

==============================================================================