Call of the Simpsons                               Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                      Directed by Wesley Archer
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7G09 Revision: B Date: 00/2/23 By: Andrew A. Gill Original: Raymond Chen
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> TV Guide synopsis
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The Simpsons put the camp back in camping when their RV goes over a
cliff, leaving Marge and Lisa to keep the shelter fire burning while
Maggie makes her time bearable, and Homer and Bart go for help.

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> Title sequence
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Blackboard :- `I will not draw naked ladies in class'.
              `I will not draw naked ladie' at cutoff.

Driveway   :- Homer yells ``Auuuugh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch      :- They all fit.

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> Didja notice...
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    ... Albert Brooks (credited as `A. Brooks') voiced Cowboy Bob,
        the RV salesman?

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> Movie (and other) References
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  + The Sound of Music
        - The music as the RV travels through the woods, lake, etc.
  + Prelude to the Afternoon of a Fawn (Debussy)
        - The music as a nature-lover videotapes a deer drinking from a stream

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> Freeze Frame Fun
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>> Bob's RV Round-Up
    ``We'd rather make a friend than a profit.''
>>> In the credit office
    ``Bankruptcy, shmankruptcy!''
    ``We give credit to everyone.''
    ``No credit?  Good!''

>> Packed in the RV
    lots of sleeping bags, duffel bags, etc.
    barbecue grill
    fishing pole
    thermos
    cooler
    TV set

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> Animation and continuity goofs
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> Comments and other observations
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>> Brian Howard's {bh} secret informant tells him about the following scenes
which were left on the cutting-room floor:

>>> Just before they took off in the camper, there had been a shot of the
    inside of their house, completely emptied; everything was supposedly
    packed in the RV.

>>> At the campfire, Marge says something to the effect of ``Well, now
    would be a good time to answer any big questions you may have, such as
    about the facts of life''.  Lisa says she has heard some fairly startling
    things around the playground, and Marge responds that they were probably
    true.

>>> When Marge is being interviewed about her ``marriage to Bigfoot'', she
    is asked something like ``What's it like going to bed with a wild man'',
    and she says she sort of likes a little wildness...

  - Although two of the scenes edited out are somewhat racy, this is
    not cause for alarm.  It is standard procedure to produce more
    footage than necessary, so there are inevitably cuts made and jokes
    edited out.  (I'd hate to be the one who has to make the decision.)

===============================================================================
> Quotes and scene summary
===============================================================================
% While Homer waters the flowers, Bart (unhappily) mows the lawn with a manual
% mower.  Todd putters past atop the Flanders' sit-down mower.  Bart asks
% Homer why they can't have a decent mower, and Homer tells Bart to be happy
% with what he has, ``Don't try to keep up with the Flandereses [sic].''
% Just then, Ned pulls up in his shiny new RV, and Homer is flabbergasted.
% Ned rattles off the features, including the satellite dish on the roof.

How can you afford something like this, Ned?  I mean, I get your mail
once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% The answer is simple:  Credit.
%
% Homer takes the family to ``Bob's RV Round-Up''.  The salesman spots easy
% quarry.  Homer asks to see their best RV, better than Flanders'.  Cowboy
% Bob shows them ``The Ultimate Behemoth'', a two-story monster.

Bart:  Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob:   You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1
       launched last satellite.
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Cowboy Bob ignores Marge's repeated questions as to the Behemoth's price.

Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob:   Four.  One for each part of the chicken.
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Cowboy Bob shows them inside.  Fireplace.  Giant-screen TV.  Full-sized
% refrigerator.  Crystal chandelier.

Bart: Aye, Carumba!
Lisa; This is better than our house!
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer finally asks how much it costs.  Cowboy Bob lays it on thick and
% takes Homer to the credit office.  There, he assures Homer that the
% credit check is purely a formality, but it's part of the procedure.
% ``I don't own the place, even though my name's up there.  Long story.''

Bob:   [running a credit check]  [presses `Enter']
       [sirens wail and lights flash]
Homer: Is that a good siren?  Am I approved?
Bob:   You ever known a siren to be good?
-- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% ``That was the computer [...] telling me, sell the vehicle to this fellow
% and you're out of business.''

Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?
       I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
Bob:   Take it easy, willya, huh?  You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting
       from ya...
-- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% He shows them a bucket of bolts that is miraculously still in one piece.
% Homer asks, ``Is it used?''

Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way.
I mean, literally, buddy.  This is for you, you know.  It's this or a wagon.
-- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Cowboy Bob pulls every slimy tactic in the book to panic Homer into buying
% the RV.  The rest of the family don't seem too happy by the turn of events.
%
% The RV coughs to a stop in front of the Flanders' house, where Homer takes
% the opportunity to gloat.  He then turns his attention to his family.

Homer: Everybody ready?
Bart:  I hate this.  I don't want to go.
Homer: That's the spirit!
-- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''

Ready or not, Nature, here we come!
-- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% The RV (packed to the gills) putters down the street.
%
% Traffic has backed up behind the slow-moving RV.

Bart:  Turkey farm?       Skunks?       Slaughterhouse?
Lisa:                No.           No.                   No.
Marge: What are you kids doing?
Lisa:  We're playing ``Name that Odor''.
Bart:  Dad's feet?
Homer: Bart!
Lisa:  You win, Bart.
Homer: Lisa!
-- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Bart whines, ``Are we there yet?''  Homer replies, ``Go back to your smell
% game.''
%
% The RV makes a turn off the main road, and it wanders through the woods.
% Marge consults her map.

Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer: Pffffft.  Maps.
-- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the
   woods, ``Call of the Simpsons''

Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
-- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

% ``Don't worry, this is an all-terrain vehicle!''  Homer tests the hypothesis
% by driving into a lake.  Marge's feet get wet.

Lisa:  Mom, I'm scared.
Marge: Don't worry.  We all are.
-- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% The RV returns to dry land, and Homer throws the RV into high gear.
% (Amazing!  It has more than one gear!)  The RV crashes through bushes.
% Homer asks, ``Whaddya think, should we stop here?''  Everybody yells,
% ``YEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!''  Homer slams on the brakes.  Curious, the horizon
% is nowhere to be seen through the front window.  The RV tips forward:
% It's balanced precariously on the edge of a cliff.  Everyone screams.
% And screams.  And screams some more.

Homer: [speaking softly and slowly]
       When I give the word, everyone ever-so-slowly open the door
       and slide out.  On the count of three...  One...
SoundFX: (*rustle*)  (*rustle*)  (*slam*)  (*slam*)  (*slam*)
Homer: [turns around:  Everyone has already left]
-- Taking charge in a crisis, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer slips out just before the RV tips over the edge, fallllllllllllls,
% and explodes.

Lisa: [glumly] The Simpsons have entered the forest.
-- But will the forest survive?  ``Call of the Simpsons''

% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:09]
%
% Homer tries to put a good face on things.

Homer: Yes sir!  This is a real adventure!  Why, I bet there are people who
       would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like
       this.
Bart:  You mean like  just did?
-- The Simpsons have entered the forest, sans RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Trying to cheer up Maggie, Lisa points up into the sky.  ``Look, Maggie.
% Birdies!''  Vultures circle overhead.

Marge: Oh Homer... What are we going to do?
Homer: Now, don't worry.  Our situation isn't as bad as it seems.
       And you're forgetting---I'm an experienced woodsman!
       Now, you all stay here for a mintue while I go over this way to
       try to get my bearings.
       [walks away fifteen meters]
       [sits down]
       What am I going to do!?  I've murdered us all!
Echo:  I've murdered us all! ... murdered us all!
Homer: Shut up!
Echo:  Shut up! ... Shut up!
Homer: D'oh!
Echo:  D'oh! ... D'oh!
-- Echo Canyon, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% That evening, Homer ``finishes'' building some sort of shelter-like thing
% out of twigs and a fallen log.  Not very impressive.

Lisa:  Remember, Dad.  The handle of the Big Dipper points towards
       the North Star.
Homer: Heh heh, that's nice, Lisa.  But we're not in astronomy class.
       We're in the woods.
-- ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer and Bart leave to get help.  Maggie follows.  Lisa wonders if it's
% okay to let Maggie go with them; Marge (sweeping the area clear with a
% twig-rake) says they'll be back soon.  ``She's in good hands.''  Vultures
% circle overhead.
%
% Homer and Bart walk through the woods.  Homer tells Bart that animals can
% sense fear, so don't be afraid.  Maggie, following behind, sucks her
% pacifier.  Homer mistakes the sound for a rattlesnake and panics.  Bart
% says to himself, ``I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid.''  Homer corrects him.
% ``Run, you fool!''  The two vanish into the distance.
%
% Homer and Bart run out of breath, and Homer declares that they are only
% steps away from civilization.

When you're an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things.
It's like a third sense.
-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% They step through the bushes---and fall off a cliff, landing in the river
% below.  Then go over a waterfall.
%
% Back at the campsite, Marge and Lisa continue cleaning, and they seem to
% have done a superb job of making the area liveable.  (Marge arranges some
% pine cones atop a mantle, and arranges three squirrels neatly atop a log.)
% Marge notes that the boys have been gone for quite a while.  ``I hope
% Maggie isn't slowing them up.''
%
% Maggie, wandering along, encounters a ferocious bear.  So she reaches into
% her baggie and sticks a pacifier in its mouth.  The pacifier lives up to
% its name.
%
% Homer sufaces at the bottom of the falls, and sees Bart's lucky red hat
% floating past.  He fears the worst, searches for Bart, and swims ashore
% bemoaning the loss of his son.  A voice calls from across the lake.
% ``Don't have a cow, Dad.''  ``What the... D'oh!  You're alive!  And, heh
% heh, buck naked.''  In fact, so also is Homer.
%
% The bear carries Maggie back to its lair, where the other bears roar
% ferociously.  But the first bear motions the others to stop.
%
% Homer helps Bart dress himself in ferns, mud, and moss.  Bart is hungry,
% so Homer bends a sapling into a trap.

What are we going to do, hang ourselves?
-- Bart watches Homer build a trap out of a young sapling,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

% The two hide and wait.  Soon, a bunny rabbit hops by and springs the trap.
% The tree propels the poor rodent far, far, far, far away.  On to Plan B.

I'll go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out
a rabbit.  When he comes out, you step on him.
-- Homer instructs Bart on his role in catching dinner,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer goes into a bush, and is promptly attacked by a chipmunk, a rabbit,
% a raccoon, and a snake.  Homer rolls around frantically.  Bart watches.
%
% A man, a woman, and their baby sit by a tent.  The man is somewhat miffed
% that they haven't seen even one squirrel, but his wife reminds him that
% the ranger warned them to watch out for bears.  A bear watches.  The man
% can't take the warning seriously and calls out, ``Hello, bears!'' inviting
% them to come attack him.  ``All right, all right, you made your point.''
% While the wife burps the baby, the bear sneaks up from behind and takes
% the bottle of formula.
%
% The bear brings the bottle to Maggie, who removes her pacifier and starts
% drinking the bottle.  Meanwhile, the bears bring Maggie all sorts of baby
% toys, and a lantern.  The bears sit around Maggie, as the cave glows in
% the darkness.
%
% Marge and Lisa sit in front of a fire.  Lisa wonders if the boys are okay,
% but Marge reassures her.  After all, they built a fire without knowing a
% thing about Nature.  Imagine what Homer, an experienced woodsman, could do.
% The two go to sleep.
%
% Homer and Bart lie, shivering, on the ground.
% (Many are cold, but few are frozen.)  (Sorry, a tag I never got to use.)
%
% Maggie pulls a bear's paw over her as a blanket.
%
% The next morning, Homer and Bart continue through the woods.

Are we there yet?
-- Bart wanders with Homer aimlessly through the woods,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer spots a beehive.  ``Honey!  We're saved!''  He sticks his fist into
% the hive and sticks a handful of honey (and bees) into his mouth.

Tangy.
-- Homer eats a mouthful of honey---and bees, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer (his voice muffled because his mouth is filled with honey and bees)
% yells for water, and Bart points him ``that-a-way, man.''
%
% Homer dives into a muddy stream and emerges a mud-covered beast.  His
% appearance is captured on videotape by a nearby nature-lover, who runs
% away in panic.
%
% News bulletin.  Bigfoot has been spotted.  The videotape is shown.

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was
impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language,
and most of all, its indescribable stench.
-- Newscaster reports that Bigfoot (Homer) has been sighted,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

% (Foul language?)  The ``Springfield Weekly'' tabloid has offered a $5000
% reward for the capture of Bigfoot.

We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
-- Newscaster interrupts to report Bigfoot sighting, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer and Bart sit, glum, on a log.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 15:57]
%
% The campground has turned into a media circus.  The ranger notes that Marge
% and Lisa were lucky to be found---before Bigfoot got them.  He shows Marge
% the newspaper headline and photo.  Says Marge, ``Why, that's my husband!''
% A new headline:  ``I married Bigfoot.''  Marge is surrounded by reporters.
% ``His name isn't Bigfoot.  His name is Homer.''  Another headline:
% ``Bigfoot's wife pleads:  `Call him Homer!' ''.  ``What does it eat?'' asks
% a reporter.  Marge doesn't understand the commotion, but answers the
% question anyway.  Next headline: ``The Bigfoot Diet: `Pork Chops Aplenty' ''.
% Bears loom menacingly, and a TV reporter tells his gopher to get rid of them.

No bears.  We're taping!  All bears off the set!
-- ``Call of the Simpsons''

% No one seems to notice that Maggie is riding atop one of the bears.
% The TV reporter interviews Marge, and asks her what their marriage is like.
%
% Bart and Homer lumber through the forest.  (Homer is still covered in mud.)

Bart:  Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart:  Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart:  Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart:  Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
-- Wandering aimlessly through the forest, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer smells food, and he and Bart follow the scent, eyes closed, into
% the bears' lair.  They back away slowly (``Nice grizzlies...'') and are
% surprised when Maggie waves the bears off.  Maggie leaves with Bart and
% Homer.

Later, grizzly dudes.
-- Bart bids farewell to a pack of bears, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Maggie turns around and waves good-bye to her friends.  One bear still
% sucks on a pacifier.
%
% As the trio near civilization, one person shouts, ``It's him!  It's
% Bigfoot!''  Homer is quickly subdued by a crowd of people.  The ranger
% tells Bart they saved him just in time.

What the hell are you talking about, sir?
-- Bart, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer breaks free and runs off.  They shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.
% Bart rushes to his fallen father's side.

Avenge me, son.  Avenge my death... ZZZZzzzzzz...
-- Homer (Bigfoot) is hit with a tranquilizer dart, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% On television, the reporter explains that scientists from around the world
% are gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute to study the creature,
% and are soon to announce their findings.

Dr. Marvin Monroe:  After extensive biological and anatomical testing,
    I regret to announce that our findings are... inconclusive.
    This thing may or may not be human.
German scientist: Dat's what he tinks.  I say it's none other than Bigfoot
     himself.
French scientist: Oh, no, I disagree.  I think it is a man.
     The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.
-- On the capture of Bigfoot (Homer), ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer and Marge watch the news report in bed.

Cheer up, Homer.  At least they let you go.
-- Marge, after Homer is captured and believed to be Bigfoot,
   ``Call of the Simpsons''

This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.
-- German scientist who examined Homer/Bigfoot, ``Call of the Simpsons''

% Homer turns off the set, depressed.  Marge smiles and kisses Homer
% good-night.  ``My brilliant beast.''
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:17]
===============================================================================
Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen.  Updated 2000 Andrew
A. Gill.  Unattributed discrepancies between this and the previous
revisions are mine.  We don't give loans to anyone.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm just
taking credit for the compilation.)