Old Money

Old Money                           Written by Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky
                                                    Directed by David Silverman

Title sequence

Blackboard :- `I will not grease the monkey / bars'
              `I will not grease the' at cutoff.

Driveway   :- no oil on the driveway.
              Homer does not shake his fist at Bart.
              Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past.

Couch:     :- Grampa wakes up.

Didja notice ...

    ... the band that was playing was Larry Davis, yet again?
    ... Maggie reaches out towards the lions?
    ... Maggie is eating dinner by dumping her pacifier in the food, then
        sucking it?
    ... the `L' was missing from the sign `public library'?

Movie References

  + Tom Jones (the movie)
       - Bea and Grampa eat their pills seductively.
  + The Jazz Singer (Neil Diamond version)
       - Grampa tears his coat and announces, ``I have no son!''
    A Christmas Carol
       - Grampa asks, ``Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?''
  + Nighthawks (painting by Edward Hopper)
       - Grampa in a coffeeshop after seeing how the poor live.
    Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (with Gary Cooper, by Frank Capra)
       - Searching for worthy projects for Grampa Simpson's money
  ~ If I Had A Million
       - A woman uses her sudden wealth to improve her rest home.

Freeze Frame Fun

This episode was a freeze framer's delight!

The sign on Springfield Retirement Castle:

    Where the elderly can hide from the inevitable.

Anybody catch the full text of the sign for `Discount Lion Safari'?

Store departments in Grandma's World (`For the old lady in all of us'),

courtesy of Mike Maxfield:

     Hard Candies
     Doilies
     Picture Frames
     Cookies, Buy 1 get 1 free
     Sea Shell Soap
     Sachets
     Potpourai

The amusement park sign, courtesy of Leedell J. Miller:

                                DIS-NEE-LAND
                        Not affiliated with Disneyland,
                        Disney World, or anything else
                        from the Walt Disney Company

People in line for Grampa's money, courtesy of Brendan Kehoe:

<at the door>
    Jacques
    Dr. Hibert
    a neighbor? ("Knew she was soft on full frontal nudity"); she also
                 looks a lot like Marge did as a young girl)

<outside in line>
    Apu
    Mrs. Krabapple
    Mr. Largo
    Krusty the Clown
    Nelson Mundt
    the Master Chef from The Happy Sumo restaurant
    dog woman
    a sign that reads WAIT FROM THIS POINT, 90 MINUTES.
    Princess Cashmere
    Sideshow Mel
    Darth Vader ????
    Reverend & Mrs Lovejoy
    a big guy (don't know)
    The Joker from Batman
    a female vulcan
    Ned & Maude Flanders
    Principal Skinner
    Kent Brockman ("in line for an old man's money")
    Barney Gumble

Mark A. Holtz single-stepped his VCR for the voice credits at the end:

          DAN CASTELLANTEA                        JULIE KAVNER
                 as                                    as
            Homer Simpson                         Marge Simpson
           Grandpa Simpson                        Patty Bouvier
          Krusty the Klown                        Selma Bouvier
            Barney Gumble
         Diamond Joe Quimby
           Scott Christian
         Groundskeeper Willy

          NANCY CARTWRIGHT                       YEARDLEY SMITH
                 as                                    as
            Bart Simpson                          Lisa Simpson
               Nelson
            Todd Flanders
               Kearney

            HARRY SHEARER                          HANK AZARIA
                 as                                    as
              Mr. Burns                                Apu
              Smithers                                 Moe
            Kent Brockman                            Cabbie
          Dr. Marvin Monroe                   Professor John Frink
               Jasper                          Police Chief Wiggum
               Herman                           Dr. Nick Riviera
                Otto                                 Smitty
          Dr. Julius Hibert
          Principal Skinner
            Ned Flanders
          Reverend Lovejoy

All spelling are according to the tape.

Other Stuff

Stacey Fielding (an665@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) observes:

It wasn't just that is said "I will not grease the monkey bars."
It was the way it was arranged on the chalkboard:

           I will not grease the monkey
           bars.

...that lead me to believe we now have our first Simpson's 
masturbation reference.  Well, Bart <is> getting close to that age.
The `Monroe Box' is a spoof of B. F. Skinner's controversial `Skinner Box'.
I'm sorry I didn't mention this the first time I posted the article; I assumed
that everybody was familiar with it.

Quotes and scene summary

 The family drop Grampa off at the retirement home after another miserable
 `third Sunday of the month' outing with Grampa.  Marge scolds them for
 not treating Grampa with respect.
   
   Marge: You know, <we'll> be old someday.
   Homer: Gasp!  My God, you're right, Marge!  You kids wouldn't put me in a home
          like I did to my dad, would you?
   Bart:  [considering the idea] Well...
   Homer: Aaah!
   -- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money''
   
 The family debate what they should do next month, and after some debate,
 all agree to go to Discount Lion Safari.  Grampa returns to his room, then
 goes downstairs for his pills.  His pills are mixed up with those of
 Bea Simmons, and the two hit it off.  They eat their pills seductively...
   
   Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place
   at the same time and... Jeez!  You'd think this would get easier with time!
   -- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa preens himself for his date, and they go dancing, and lots of other
 stuff.  Grampa goes to Herman to buy Bea a birthday gift, and Herman points
 him at Grandma's World...
   
   Yo, active wear?  Need a price check on a wool shoal.
   -- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money''
   
 Homer pays Grampa a visit on the third Sunday of the month, and when Grampa
 says it's his girlfriend Bea's birthday, Homer greets an empty chair
 (thinking Grampa's friend is imaginary) and drags Grampa out.  They take
 him to Discount Lion Safari...
   
   Do not feed the animals.  Do not allow animals inside the car.
   Do not make eye contact with animals.
   -- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money''
   
 They wander off the official route, get stuck in the mud, and are attacked
 by lions.  The next morning, the lions are scared off by a gunshot...
   
   Mr. Simpson, I presume.
   -- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa returns home to see the paramedics taking Bea's body away.
   
   You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know
   she died of a broken heart.
   -- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money''
   
 At the funeral...
   
   You can tell she really cared for me.  She didn't make me a pallbearer.
   -- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money''
   
   Homer:  I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
   Grampa: Is someone talking to me?  I didn't hear anything.
   Homer:  Oh no!  Dad's lost his hearing!
   -- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money''
   
 In his room, Grampa is greeted by Lionel Hutz, the executor of Bea's estate,
 and learns she left everything to him.
   
   Hutz:   There is one catch...  You must spend one night in... a haunted house!
   Grampa: [gasp!]
   Hutz:   Just kidding.
   -- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money''
   
   Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it.  It looks
   just like a cigar.  Isn't that something!
   -- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa phones Homer to tell him he isn't getting one thin dime.  The
 home director makes a play for the money, and Grampa throws him out.
   
   Grampa:   Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated
             like human beings! whether they have money or not?
   Director: Yes, but it passes.
   -- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa returns to Herman's and buys a fez, allegedly once worn by Napoleon.
 He goes to various `exciting' places and yawns at each.  While at
 Dis-nee-land ...
   
   Oh, Abraham, calm down.  I'm not here to scare you.  They've got me haunting
   a family in Texas.
   -- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money''
   
 She suggests that, since he isn't enjoying the money, he give it to a worthy
 cause.  Meanwhile, Marge suggests that Homer talk to somebody about his
 depression...
   
   Hiya.  You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
   If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW!
   If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW!
   If you have trouble maintaining an...
   -- ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa pays a surprise visit, and the two reconcile.  Over dinner, Grampa
 announces that he's going to interview for worthy causes for Bea's money.
 Outside the retirement home, Kent Brockman does his news report.  Inside
 Grampa listens to pitches from Otto, Mr. Burns, Moe, Dr. Marvin Monroe...
   
   Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber.  The subject pulls levers to receive
           food and water.  The floor can become electrified, and showers of
           icy water randomly fall on the subject.  I call it... The Monroe Box!
   Grampa: Uh huh.  Sounds interesting.  How much will it cost to build?
   Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part!  It's already built!  I need the money
           to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
   Grampa: What are you trying to prove?
   Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and
           will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
   Grampa: Mm.  Interesting.
   -- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
   
 from Bart, a crazy inventor with a death ray...
   
   Man:    With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy
           an area the size of New York City.
   Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
   Man:    Oh.  Well, to be honest, the ray only has <evil> applications...
   -- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
   
 and even Lisa...
   
   Lisa:   The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums.
           They're little children who need more library books, and they're
           families who can't make ends meet.  Of course, if you really wanted
           to, you could buy me a pony.
   Grampa: You're right!
   Lisa:   I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
   -- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money''
   
 Grampa realizes Lisa is right and takes a walk through the run-down part
 of town.  He returns to the retirement home and realizes that $100,000
 isn't enough.  Jasper suggests going to the casino.  While Otto drives
 the bus of old elderly folk, Homer chases after it.  As Grampa changes
 his money into chips, Homer pulls into a Krusty Burger...
   
   Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and
          for God's sakes, hurry!
   Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]
   -- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money''
   
 Homer arrives at the casino and finds that Grampa is actually winning.
   
   Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best:  If you can make one heap
           of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
           and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe
           a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is
           in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
   Homer:	You'll be a bonehead!
   -- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money''
   
   Grampa: Put it all on 41.  [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
   Roulette man:  The wheel only goes to 36.
   Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36.
           [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
   -- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money''
   
 Homer successfully stops Grampa from risking (and losing) everything.
 Grampa sees his friends piling onto the bus for the ride home and decides
 where his money should go:  He spends it on sprucing up the Springfield
 Retirement Castle and creating the Beatrice Simmons Dining Room.
   Episode summaries Copyright 1991 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
   in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
   remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
   the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the
   compilation.)