Twenty-Two Short Films        Written by Richard Appel, David S. Cohen,
  About Springfield              Jonathan Collier, Jennifer Crittenden,
			  Greg Daniels, Brent Forrester, Rachel Pulido,
		      Steve Tompkins, Josh Weinstein, and Matt Groening
				With Writing Supervised by Greg Daniels
						Directed by Jim Reardon
=======================================================================
Production Code: 3F18               Original Airdate in N.A.: 14-Apr-96
					  Capsule revision D, 10-Jun-96
=======================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
=======================================================================

    Interconnecting vignettes depict various moments in the lives of
    Springfield residents, including Apu's partying activities;
    Smithers' allergic reaction to a bee sting; and Dr. Nick Riviera's
    appearance before a medical review board.  Also: Skinner makes
    lunch for Superintendent Chalmers.

=======================================================================
> Opening Sequence
=======================================================================

>> COUCH SCENE

      Everybody is a sea monkey (except for mermaid Maggie) and swims
      to a couch made of clams to look at a treasure chest instead of
      a TV.  The treasure chest opens to reveal diamonds.

	(Recycled from 3F08.)

=======================================================================
> Did you notice...
=======================================================================
    ... Apu's shirt was on backwards when he left the poolhouse?
    ... "22 short films" is debatable (see below)?

Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.:
    ... when Sanjay butchers "Be there or be square", he indicates with
	his fingers?  (a la Pulp Fiction...)
    ... Homer's Cheez Whiz is called "Cheesy Does It"?
    ... Maggie and Wiggum make similar babbling noises?
    ... Snake's shirt says "Middlebury"?

Mark Richey:
    ... the Kwik-E-Mart is beside an overpass?
    ... 10 writers (including MG) are credited?
    ... the Ford mansion is across the street?
    ... Burns is reading "Auto-Gyro Enthusiast"?
    ... the unenthusiastic "Hi, Dr. Nick"s?
    ... the picture of Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital?
    ... Barney's tab is $14 billion?
    ... Snake has student loans?
    ... Moe's Tavern is a former speakeasy (see below)?
    ... the roast is in flames?
    ... the Springfield shopper is no longer free?
    ... there are no McDonald's in Springfield (lucky town)?
    ... the Simpsons theme on both Marge and Snake's radios?
    ... the flying mail?
    ... Brandine has lost her job at Dairy Queen?
    ... Barney, Martin, and Doris on the sidewalk laughing at Nelson?

Rick Senger:
    ... Apu likes Tofu Dogs?
    ... Apu burps like Barney?
    ... Apu takes less than two seconds to have sex?
    ... the wall across the street looks quite different from when the
	Bushes lived there?
    ... Smithers is fatally allergic to bee stings?
    ... Nick Riviera prescribes booze to Smithers lying there prostrate
	on emergency entrance island?
    ... Nick Riviera places a cadaver in the passenger seat so that he
	can use the carpool lane?
    ... Nick Riviera mispronounces the word "capacitor" ("capacitator")?
    ... Barney owes Moe $13,999,998,000.00?
    ... Snake went to college (probably at Middlebury)?
    ... Superintendent Chalmers brought some white wine with him to
	Smithers' luncheon?
    ... Superintendent Chalmers' Krusty Burger has two pickles in it?
    ... when Agnes yells "The house is on fire!  Help!  Help!" in
	obvious earshot of Chalmers, he blithely ignores her (didn't
	they date)?
    ... Maggie makes "baby noises" for the second week in a row
	(laughing in the paper dispenser)?
    ... there are over 2000 McDonald's in the state containing
	 Springfield?
    ... Bumblebee Man's antennas conduct electricity much like a spark
	coil?
    ... Bumblebee Man's spaghetti conducts electricity much like a
	metal?
    ... there is a cigarette butt under Snake's accelerator pedal?
    ... Reverend Lovejoy has an olde English Sheepdog?
    ... Reverend Lovejoy encourages his dog to do his business on the 
	Flanderosa?
    ... Otto reads Fangoria?
    ... Sideshow Mel's hair bone was actually his attempt to remove
	some gum from his hair?
    ... Herman's antique store is remarkably bereft of any antiques and
	seems nearly empty except for a few cardboard boxes, a
	Confederate flag, and some guns on the wall?
    ... Nelson wears briefs?

Benjamin Robinson:
    ... several versions of the show's theme song can be heard in the
	"bridge" segments between stories? (mostly jazzy beat)
    ... "trans-dental" can refer to something administered via the
	teeth?
    ... when Moe flicks the lights on and off, Barney looks up as if he
	can't quite figure out what's going on?
    ... Snake listens to a "rockin'" version of our favorite theme
	song?
    ... Lisa did not appear to pay for her new haircut?

Jose Lafaurie:
    ... the doctor disobeys Dr. Riviera and shocks Abe more often than
	every 5 seconds?
    ... the burger Chalmers holds is a double burger?
    ... a picture of Krusty bursting forth from a drum in Snippy
	Longstockings?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Josh Weinstein is a writer, but Bill Oakley isn't?
    ... the Kwik-E-Mart has "closed for the second time ever" (or
	third, if you count when Apu shot at the customers in 1F09),
	the first being in 7F24?
    ... the Squishee machine does not have the flavors listed on it?
    ... the barbecue cook's apron reads "In my next life, YOU'RE
	cooking"?
    ... a Krusty Burger weighs 1/4 pound (like a Wendy's "single")?
    ... when Maggie's baggie is pulled off, her diaper apparently went
	with it?
    ... the Springfield Shopper now costs 25 cents (it even says this
	on the papers in the machine) instead of being free?
    ... Bumblebee Man has a pet chihuahua?
    ... Lisa makes a self-reference: "I finally look like a real
	person"?

John Murray:
    ... Apu eats a tofu dog at the BBQ (he is a vegetarian)?
    ... Snake has a student loan to repay?
    ... residents of Springfield never heard of McDonald's?

Jason Hancock:
    ... Hans Moleman is white in this episode?
    ... Bumblebee Man walking into the Channel Ocho studios from the 
	bee's-eye view?
    ... Burns reading "Autogyro Enthusiast?"
    ... Snake went to college?
    ... the "Skinner and the Superintendent" opening sequence is
	similar to the "I Can't Believe They Invented It" opening at
	the beginning of 9F20?
    ... the Springfield Shopper's vending machines are designed like
	USA Today's?
    ... Maggie doesn't wear _any_ underwear (not even a diaper)?
    ... McDonald's (which was referenced twice) sponsored this episode?
    ... Bumblebee Man speaks Spanish at home?
    ... we STILL don't know what the comic book guy's name is?

Haynes Lee:
    ... everyone overlooks toothpaste which is best for removing bubble
	gum?

Veronica Marquez:
    ... the Kwik-E-Mart still sells Duff suitcases?
    ... Pedro and the bumblebee stare blankly at each other?
    ... Bart looks like he's threatening to swat the bee?
    ... somehow, Smithers survives his sting?
    ... 160 grave complaints have been lodged against Dr. Riviera?
    ... napkins at seafood restaurants are always greasy?
    ... whatever it was that Wiggum was eating, it wasn't a burger?
    ... Pedro's sneakers are part of his Bumblebee outfit?
    ... Pedro wears his Bumbleebee outfit everywhere except at home?
    ... Pedro's wife name is Emma Z.?

Tom Kretchmar:
    ... the bumblebee guy says just about every stereotypical Spanish
	phrase of distress *except*  "Aye Chihuahua", the Chihuahua
	looking on all the while?

=======================================================================
> Cast
=======================================================================

>> Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Hans Moleman, Abe, Barney, Homer, Pedro the Bee,
     Willy, Sideshow Mel, Jake the barber, Krusty)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Maggie, Nelson, Ralph)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Sanjay, Apu, Dr. Nick Riviera, Moe, Snake, Chalmers,
     Chief Wiggum. Cletus, comic book guy, Mr. Van Houten, Wadlow,
     Professor John Frink)
   - Harry Shearer (Burns, Smithers, panicked doctor, Jasper, Skinner,
     Lou, Eddie, Herman, Rev. Lovejoy, Ned, Dr. Hibbert, McAllister,
     Otto)

>> Special Guest Voice
   - Phil Hartman (review board member, Lionel Hutz)

>> Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Agnes, Emma, Brandine, Mrs. Glick)
   - Maggie Roswell
   - Russi Taylor (Uter)

=======================================================================
> Movie, Music, and other References
=======================================================================
	
+ "Thirty-Two Short Films About Glenn Gould" {mar}
    - episode title
    - a 1993 Canadian film about the famed pianist
~ "Catch-22" {hl}
    - 22 in episode title
  "Slacker" {mar}
    - a 1991 comedy that follows a whole busload of people around, one 
      at a time.  The form of this episode reminded me of that
+ O-+->'s "1999"
    - Apu's line "I'm going to party like it was on sale for $19.99!"
  Ball Park Franks {bjr}
    - Apu's claim that the wieners will "plump in my stomach" refers
      to Ball Park's claim that their hot dogs "plump when you cook
      'em."
+ The song Apu loves is some song by the "Funkytown" people {vm}  
    - "I am the (?) Freakazoid/ Come on and wind me up"
  "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" {hl}
    - making whoopee at a pool party in the changehouse
+ Busby Berkeley films
    - the way everyone falls into the pool is similar to the diving
      thing done all the time
+ "Sing, Sing, Sing"
    - song on radio is the theme song with this song's beat
+ "E.R."
    - the very popular medical show.  Dr. Nick's segment parodied it
+ "Flatliners" {je}
    - the fire light in Skinner's kitchen like the strange light from
      the half-open bathroom door
+ "Pulp Fiction"
    - the Wiggum/Snake/Herman plot:
       - the Quarter Pounder/Royale with Cheese conversation
       - Snake runs down Wiggum like Butch does to that mob boss
       - the convertible crashes much like Butch's car, running down
	 a fire hydrant/mailbox
       - Snake and Wiggum/Butch and the mob boss fight
       - the military antiques guy ties them up and is about to subject
	 them to atrocities
       - military guy knocked out by a medieval weapon {jl}
+ "La Cucaracha"
    - song on Pedro's radio
+ The Mexican Hat Dance
    - song on Pedro's radio
  "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" {hl}
    - Giant squid
  "Green Acres" {hl}
    - Eddie Albert uses a phone on top of a telephone pole
  Animaniacs' "Potty Emergency" {vm}
    - Milhouse/Wakko at a store trying to go to the bathroom only to
      be repeatedly deterred
    - "Bathroom's for paying customers only.  You gotta buy something."
      Even though Wakko didn't have any money.  {jl}
+ "McDonalds"
    - the Hamburglar comic
    - the Hamburglar on the book is the older one from the 1970s.  The
      newer one has more of a round face and does not look as sinister
      {hl}
+ "Pippi Longstockings", Swedish children's story turned horrible film
    - the name "Snippy Longstockings" is similar
  "Friends" {bjr}
    - Lisa's new hairstyle reminiscent of Monica Geller's (Courtney
      Cox's character)
    - Between this season of "Friends," and the one before, several
      of the characters got new hairstyles.  For some reason modern
      science has yet to fathom, the entertainment press devoted a lot
      of ink to this subject
    - Monica's new hairstyle, like Lisa's, was the subject of mixed
      reviews
+ Robert Wadlow {vm}
    - the tall guy bears a remarkable resemblance to the tallest man
      who ever lived according to the Guiness Book of World Records
  "Be Our Guest" from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" {vm}
    - Frink's theme song sounds very suspiciously similar to this song

=======================================================================
> Freeze Frame Fun
=======================================================================

>> Clips from "Skinner & The Superintendent"

      9F18: Skinner slicks up his hair in preparation for a surprise
	    visit from Chalmers
      2F19: Skinner and Chalmers discuss the teacher strike {ddg}
      3F10: Chalmers is run down by "down with homework" perpetrators
      2F32: Lumpy the School Snake
      1F18: Chalmers in the gym

>> Newspaper Articles

    HELMS CALLS FOR
      DONUT TAX

    DEADBEAT DAD
    BEAT DEAD

>> Cheese Sign

     FOLLOW ME TO
       TRAPPED
	BABY

>> Clips from "Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel"

      3F01: "Duh, light switch?"
      2F01: "Hey Maw, watch me get a picture of that crazy critter"
      3F01: Homer throttles Cletus
      1F15: "Hey Maw, get a load of that there spiky haired kid"
      3F11: "Hey Brandine, you can wear this shirt to work"

>> Folks in OFF's kitchen (clockwise from bottom left)  {jh}

       Mr. Teeny 
       Handsome Pete
       Lisa (seated on table)
       Marge
       Ned Flanders
       Corporal Punishment
       Groundskeeper Willy
       Dr. Colossos
       Dr. Hibbert
       Lionel Hutz
       Col. Hapablap {jl}
       Mayor Quimby
       Sideshow Mel
       Otto
       Lenny
       Captain McCallister
       Uter

       and, in the foreground, the Capital City Goofball

>> Selected people along the street (l. to r.)  {jh}

       Quimby's bodyguards {jl}
       Miss Hoover
       Superintendent Chalmers
       Lunch Lady Doris
       Dave Shutton
       Eddie and Lou
       the girl with big red hair {jl}
       Chief Wiggum
       Wendell
       Mrs. Wiggum
       Mrs. Albright
       Jasper
       Mrs. Glick
       Martin Prince
       Don Brodka (holding cigarette)
       Barney Gumble
       Disco Stu
       Smitty (Moe's barfly w/o glasses)
       Rod and Todd Flanders
       Mrs. Krabappel
       Carl
       Lenny
       John Swartzwelder
       Matt Groening
       Larry (Moe's barfly with glasses)
       Ralph Wiggum
       one of Nelson's buddies {jl}

>> Miscellaneous FFF

- Card: "Apu in `The Jolly Bengali'"
- The fire truck reads "Springfield Volunteer Fire Dept."
- Snake's shirt read "Middlebury".
- Signs on fence: Four signs, two reading "Post No Bills".
- Card: "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink"

>> Technical Credits (if you Care) {vm}

    Overseas Animation: Anivision (J.C. Park) {ddg}
    Assistant Director: Klay Hall
    Animation Timers: Michael Polcino, Neil Affleck, Pete Michels
    Storyboard: John Rice, Ted Mathot, Martin Archer
    Character Design Supervisor: Dale Hendrickson
    Character Design: Scott Alberts, Joseph Wack, Mark Howard, Matt
      Groening, Sam Simon
    Background Design Supervisor: Lance Wilder
    Background Design: John Krause, Maria Marrioti-Wilder, Edgar
      Duncan

=======================================================================
> Previous Episode References
=======================================================================
- One-time characters that reappeared:
  - MG14,8F11: Jake the barber
  - 7F02,8F11: Capital City Goofball
  - 9F16,1F19: Matt Groening
  - 9F16,3F01,3F16: John Swartzwelder
  - 2F20: Dr. Colossos
  - 3F07: Don Brodka
  - 3F08: Col. Hapablap
  - 3F09: Disco Stu
  - 3F11: Brandine
  - 3F12: Handsome Pete
- [7G07], [7F10], [3F31] Episodes broadcast with their titles {bjr}
- [7F16] "La Cucaracha" is heard {jh}
- [8F09] Smithers is stung by a bee {jh}
- [8F11] Townspeople proposes solution to rescue Timmy O'Toole/Lisa
  {hl}
- [8F15] Snake's "EX CON" license plate {jh}
- [8F16], [3F01] Maggie laughs {ddg}
- [9F01] Springfield Volunteer Fire Department {jl}
- [9F02] Lisa gets a new hairstyle
- [9F15], [2F05] Homer: "Done and done." {jl}
- [1F05] Bart tries some of his patented spitting off the overpass
  {bjr}
- [1F08] Utica is mentioned {bjr}
- [1F13] Barney is associated with NASA {jh}
- [1F17] Swarming bees {hl}
- [2F11] A chihuahua is seen
- [2F16] Smithers and Burns on double bike {hl}
- [3F01] "Where's Daddy?" played {hl}
- [3F03] Apu eats tofu dogs
- [3F06] Burns is associated with autogyros {jh}
- [3F09] The mansion across the street is seen
- [3F12] Chalmers shows up at Skinner's house {hl}
- [3F17] The Kwik-E-Mart sells Duff suitcases {vm}
- [3F17] Fake Latin is heard {jl}

=======================================================================
> Animation, Continuity, and other Goofs
=======================================================================

- An animation glitch occurs when Apu grabs the tofu dog; for one
  frame, a part of his head is pushed downward.  {jl}

= One of Lisa's hair spikes was split in one shot but in the next shot
  looks normal again.  {jl}

+ Smithers was stung by a bee in 8F09 and suffered no ill effects.
  {vm}

= Dr. Riviera leaves the door open, but when he defends the charge of
  misuse of cadavers, the door is closed.  {jl}

= Chalmers should know how to get to Skinner's house.  (See 3F12.)

= Chalmers takes a burger but Skinner doesn't.  Even if Skinner did
  have one, there should be two burgers left on the platter.  But
  there's only one.  (And there's a lot less fries)  {jl}

* Springfield Volunteer Fire Department's initials are "SPFD".  {jl}

+ I thought the Springfield Shopper was free (not 25 cents), and I 
  thought it was delivered to OFF's house.  {jh}

= When Homer pulls Maggie's baggie off, he's grabbing it by the bottom,
  but when it comes off, he's suddenly holding it by the arms.  {ddg}

c Captions read "( thumping on glass )" for Maggie when she's not
  doing anything.

+ In the "Where's Daddy?" game it should have been Homer hiding behind
  a sheet (however, Lisa learned to do her own diapers [2F15]).

* If Krusty Burger is indeed much like McDonalds, why are their burgers
  grilled?  {jl}

+ Bumblebee Man has spoken English off camera before (and pretty well,
  I might add; see 1F11).  {jh}

* Spanish Bee man cannot be electrocuted by a single spaghetti strand
  because of no return path for the current.  {hl}

c When Pedro the Bee suffers his accidents at home, captions say the
  radio plays "La Cucaracha" when it is playing the Mexican Hat Dance.
  {jl}

* The Spanish is atrocious (see below).  {vm}

* When Snake knocks over the mailbox, letters appear to pour out of the
  ground as if from a geyser.  {ddg}

* Herman probably wouldn't be able to fire his double-barrel shotgun,
  which needs to be manually loaded.  {vm}

= Chief Wiggum loses his hat in the fight with Snake, but in the next
  chapter of the Herman story he has his hat back.  {jl}

* How did Milhouse get the mace and helmet w/visor in the bathroom?
  {vm}

= Herman's teeth aren't visible when he's knocked down by Milhouse,
  but in the next shot they are.  {jl}

* The barber pole in Snippy Longstockings isn't moving which normally
  means the shop is closed.  {jl}

+ The barber shop was called "Jake's Unisex Hair Palace" in previous 
  episodes, and Jake the barber sounds different (almost like Sideshow 
  Mel this time).  {jh}

* Why is Ralph further down the street than his parents?  (see FFF)
  {jh}

+ Jasper supposedly got a nose job but he's seen with his regular nose.
  {vm}

+ Although Frink says the monkeys stole his glasses, he is, in fact, 
  wearing them.  {rs}

=======================================================================
> Comments and other observations
=======================================================================

>> Before there was Martha Stewart... {bjr}

...there was `Helpful Hints with Heloise,' or something like that.  As
    a women's columnist, Heloise offered simple, but counter-intuitive,
    hints on how to keep that house looking great.  This is probably
    who Marge is referring to when she says, `If I remember my
    Heloise.'

>> Son of Car Watch

Benjamin Robinson says, "Unless you've just arrived here from Mars, you
    know that the tall man at the end of the show drives a Volkswagen
    Beetle.  These two stories seem apropos:

     - VW had an ad showing Wilt Chamberlain [sic] trying -- and
       failing -- to get into a Beetle.  The headline:  `They said it
       couldn't be done.  It couldn't.'  The copy said, essentially,
       `Even though Wilt the Stilt won't fit, you probably will.'

     - One basketball star -- think it may have been Manute Bol --
       drove a Beetle before he made the big time.  To fit, he took out
       the driver's seat, and drove from the back seat!

    Snake, as usual, is driving one of his endless supply of 1969 Dodge
    Chargers.  He must get them from the same bottomless well that
    Maggie gets her pacifiers."

>> Theme Music

      "Skinner & The Superintendent"

	 Skinner, with his crazy explanations
	 The superintendent's gonna need his medication
	 When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations
	 There'll be trouble in town tonight.

      "Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel"

	 Some folk'll never eat a skunk
	 But then again some folk'll
	 Like Cletus
	 The slack jawed yokel.

	 Most folk'll never lose a toe
	 And then again some folk'll
	 Like Cletus
	 The slack jawed yokel.

      "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink"

	 N-hey, n-hey
	 Professor Frink, Professor Frink
	 He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think
	 He likes to run
	 And then the thing with the...
	 um, person...

>> How many short films, again?

Benjamin Robinson says, "I counted the stories (c'mon, you knew
    _someone_ was going to), and ended up with eighteen.  (That's
    counting the three parts of Lisa's bad hair day as three stories,
    and including Prof. Frink's abortive attempt at tale-spinning.)  So
    someone slipped up, right?  Maybe not.  In octal (base-8)
    numbering, 18 is 22.  People with four fingers per hand would most
    likely count in octal.  So the title could be a sly meta-reference!
    Or maybe someone just miscounted, after all."

I counted twenty-two, counting the outtaked "Marge the Hostage" and
    "Ralphplane!"   My counting included Dr. Nick's board review and
    Grampa's insanity as two stories.

>> Yet More Antiquated Burns Jokes

Haynes Lee gives the meanings of Burns' insults to Smithers, from the
    Oxford English Dictionary:

      - SHIRKADAY: "shirk" means to avoid work.
      - MEPHITIC: to emit a foul-smelling or poisonous stench.
      - FLANGE: a projecting flat rim, collar, or rib, used for
		strengthening or attachment.
      - DISCOMBOBULATED (from Grampa): U.S. jocular for disturbed,
				       disconcerted.

>> Maybe Tito Puente and Celia Cruz should have guest starred.

Veronica Marquez notes, "The Spanish in this episode is atrocious,
    sounding more like a translation of English dialogue into Spanish
    than real Spanish.  And worse, there's no such word as `wudpequero'
    in Spanish.  Of course it takes a fluent Spanish speaker like 
    myself to understand what I mean.

    "For the record, Pedro said: `Oh, what a terrible day at work.
    First, the attack of the crazy woodpecker.  Then, a disaster of
    electricity.  And finally, a catastrophe with a baseball.' Then,
    `Ah, time to relax in peace and quiet.  Ow, oranges on the head!
    Ow, a precarious chandelier.'  Then the woman says `Look at the
    terrible thing I don't understand how this know how I can live
    with a man so irresponsible.  No, no no no no!'  (Hey, don't ask
    me what that should mean.)  Then, Pedro says (the only acceptable
    Spanish here) `Oh, where's my tequila?'  And most legal statements
    in the United States are done in English regardless of the language
    spoken.  You'd find better Spanish on bilingual applications."

    I think the awful Spanish made it funnier, but that's just me.
    Diff'rent strokes, it takes diff'rent strokes to move the world...
    ahem.

>> Moe the Speakeasy

Mark Richey notes that Moe was a former speakeasy.  Speakeasies are
    bars that sold alcohol illegally during the prohibition.  If a
    raid happened, the owners of the speakeasy would slip into an
    alcove behind bulletproof glass and lock themselves in to avoid
    getting shot or arrested.  Keep in mind that Moe is apparently
    pretty old since he was one of the original Little Rascals.

>> Name that episode!

Benjamin Robinson notes, "This is one of only four episodes broadcast
    with its title.  So you don't go crazy wondering what the other
    three were, they're:  `The Telltale Head (7G07),' `Episode 23: Bart
    Gets Hit by a Car (7F10),' and, `The Simpsons 138th Episode
    Spectacular (3F31).'"

>> Van Heflin

He is actor from "a bygone era".  Tom Baker provides a small biography
    from Halliwell's "Filmgoer's Companion":

    "Heflin, Van (1910-1971) (Emmett Evan Heflin).
    Purposeful American leading man of the forties, craggy character
    actor of the fifties and sixties."

Tom Baker adds that Heflin had a skinny and sharp nose.  "I see that
    his movies include `Santa Fe Trail' (with Ronald Reagan), `Green
    Dolphin Street', `Shane', `The Greatest Story Ever Told', and
    `Airport'."

=======================================================================
> Reviews
=======================================================================

Dale Abersold - An instant classic!  Here's to Our Favorite Writers for
    giving us this wonderfully kinetic portrait of Our Favorite City.
    The great moments are too numerous to mention, but the Van Houtens
    in Herman's store, Lisa's new hairstyle, and Nelson's comeuppance
    were highlights.  Grade: A+.  Best of the season.

Erik Berliner - This was a hilarious episode.  For an episode really
    lacking plot, it held together reasonably well.  The Lisa sub-plot
    was okay, and the idea behind the story was good, but the Pulp
    Fiction references put this over the top.  The cops in the diner
    had my brother and I cracking up, and it only got better from
    there.  One of the best episodes of the season.  A+

James Cherry [we finally hear from my predecessor! --ed] - Brilliant.
    Just when I think they can't make an episode that outdoes the last
    brillian one (3F01), they do it.  Too many classic scenes to
    recount: Apu, Cletus, Skinner/Chalmers, Nelson, and the "Pulp
    Fiction" stuff -- I'm in awe.  Grade: A+.

Chris Courtois - "22 Short Films About Springfield" was probably the
    ultimate "wacky" episode. Just a bunch of short bits unhampered by
    plot or logic. As such, it's hard to evaluate the episode as a
    whole; it's more how one reacts to the individual parts. A few were
    quite funny (the Skinner/Superintendant sitcom; Nelson's
    comeuppance; Rev. Lovejoy's dog walk), most were so-so, a few
    seemed forced (Lisa's hair; the Pulp Fiction references, while
    amusing, existed solely for the purpose of being Pulp Fiction
    references), none were flat-out duds. One episode-wide item worthy
    of mention was the spectacular direction. The flow from story to
    story was smooth and clever.  A very interesting experiment. Like
    most sketch comedy shows, a rating is a matter of hits-to-miss
    ratio. Most of the bits were just so-so, but there were enough good
    ones to rate a B-.

Don Del Grande - C-plus - I was expecting fast-paced plotless comedy.
    What I got was the occasional chuckle in what almost makes the two
    clip shows look good.  After this episode, all I can say is "Dov'e
    mia tequila?"  (which is as close to Italian for "Donde esta mi
    tequila" as I can get without accents)

Jeff Gustafson - The writers of "The Simpsons" really outdid themselves
    with this episode.  Each scene flowed into the other quite well.
    I'd have to agree with a lot of people on this list that say the
    best part of this whole episode was the Skinner and Chalmer's part.
    A+

Jason Hancock - Well, I'll give the writers credit for trying a
    different approach to a Simpsons episode.  The only problem was
    that the "title" sequences were misleading, as they were not the
    basis for the whole act.  But we did get to see more of what
    Springfield was like.  And even though some parts (like the Nelson
    scene) were dumb, the episode was funny in other parts, especially
    Apu's party and the Bumblebee Man sequence.  Grade: B+.

Haynes Lee - I suspect this is a collection of outtakes from other
    episodes. The tall guy humiliating Nelson is a classic but the
    Skinner short was stretched way too long. The bar holdup scene was
    too short and they should have had Frink.  Grade: B-

Adam Lipkin - Well, a nice, leisurely, meandering day in the life of
    the various Springfieldianites.  Good to see.  The different
    segments were well integrated, and on the whole they were pretty
    good.  The Skinner-Chalmers dinner was my favorite. I don't think I
    liked the Pulp Fiction parody-- to my knowledge, Herman wouldn't do
    that. Nelson's comeuppance was unexpected and while not entirely
    undeserved, it was a bit extreme. Overall grade, B+.

Veronica Marquez - The Chespirito spoof was marred by hideous Spanish,
    but the others were very funny.  I give it an A-.  Now back to
    `Chespirito' :-)

John Murray - Another great episode, maybe the Simpsons is not going
    downhill, as some people seem to think.  This episode had a new and
    exciting format that provided a change that really helped this
    episode.  This combined with great lines, great gags, lotsa
    references, and a plot that doesn't get boring made for a great
    episode.  Grade: A+

Mark Richey - An interesting experiment.  Some of the segments were
    funny, some were less funny.  [...]  Overall average: B  However,
    I'm going to give it a B+ because I like the idea.

Benjamin Robinson - Slightly uneven, but if you don't like one sketch
    you can wait thirty seconds, and another will be right along.  The
    best of these stories is probably "Skinner and the Superintendent,"
    which skewers the "wacky" sitcom genre with aplomb.  Other
    highlights:  The Bee Guy's home life, which eerily parallels his
    work life; Lisa's bad hair day; Maggie's captivity in the newspaper
    box; and Nelson's comeuppance.  The Cletus story was also
    surprisingly good.  (A-)

Marcus Ronaldi - Great episode, very surreal with all of the great
    characters.  This is what I watch the Simpsons for. ****1/2

Rick Senger - One of the most up-and-down shows in it's seven year run.
    The Chalmers/Skinner segment was classic, as was Nelson's
    comeuppance by the tall geeky guy in glasses, Homer's Maggie
    Conundrum, Bumblebee Man's slapstick and Lisa's gum predicament.
    Weaker where Cleetus the Slack-Jawed Yokel and Apu in "The Jolly
    Bengali" and Riviera doing his thing in E.R.  Still, this one was
    jam-packed with jokes, references, camera angles, and good
    dialogue, so I have few complaints.  A-

Yours Truly - Very good episode.  I'm very upset that the Krusty and
    Ralph and Marge the Hostage stories didn't make it, but I liked
    most of the show (except Moe).  The Spanish was amusing because it
    was so terrible, and of course I enjoyed the Chalmers/Skinner
    portion.  I'd give it an A-.

AVERAGE GRADE: B+/A- (3.63)

=======================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr}
=======================================================================
% It's a bright spring day in Springfield.  Bart and Milhouse are
% enjoying a little patented spitting off the overpass.

    Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to.  It makes it harder to spit on 'em.
-- Spit victims are people too,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Bart wonders whether anything interesting happens to people in
% Springfield, but Milhouse was distracted by a convertible aching for
% a mustard-squirting.

C'mon, it's eleven o'clock -- I need some sugar.
-- Bart, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Bart and Milhouse stroll over to the Kwik-E-Mart for their sugar
% fix.  In the store, Sanjay attempts to invite Apu to his party.

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu.  You could use some
        merriment.
   Apu: Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
         [Bart pays for his gum]
        Thank you, come again.  You see?  Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions.  You will
        be there or kindly be square.
   Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store...
         [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign]
        ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's
        on sale for 19.99.
-- The Proprietor Formerly Known as Apu, 
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Apu and Sanjay run from the store at breakneck speed to Sanjay's
% party central.

Apu: [grabs a tofu dog off the grill]  Quick, quick, no time to cook
     them -- they will plump in my stomach.
      [quickly eats the hot dog]
      [drinks some beer quickly and burps]
      [spots a pretty woman]    
     Hello, beautiful.  No ring, I see.  So you are only arranged to be
     married.
      ["Freakazoid" plays on the stereo]
     Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love this song.  Let us boogie.
      [grabs the girl, and sings along]
     I am a Freak-a-zoid, come on and wind me up... Ooh, I am hot.  Let
     us get out of here.
      [Apu and the woman retire to a changing house]   
      [Apu leaves, clothes askew and smoking]
     Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you were untouchable!
      [backs into the pool, dragging the other guests along with him in
       a domino fashion]
     Oh Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty.  Same time next year,
     no? [gives Sanjay a high-five]
A+S: Yeah!
-- Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, party machine,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Apu runs back to the store with one minute to spare, and Hans Moleman
% chides him for making him waste four minutes of his life.  He wants
% them back... but reconsiders when he knows he'd only waste them.
%
% Meanwhile, in another part of town, Marge is listening to the radio
% while cleaning out the kitchen sink.

"Swing Serenade" is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards.
GUARD YOUR EARS! -- with Gorman's.
-- A radio ad, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Lisa asks Marge if she can recycle a beer can.  "Why not?", she says.
% Lisa walks out to the front curb, and tosses the can in a recycling
% bin.  Bart skateboards by, and, not seeing Lisa there, tosses his
% used bubble gum in the vicinity of the bin.  The sticky mass lands in
% Lisa's hair.  She tries to pull the gum out, but with little success.

 Lisa: Mom, someone threw gum in my hair.
Marge: Are you sure?  Maybe it's just shampoo.  That washes right out.
-- I doubt it, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% But it _is_ gum, and it's pulling Lisa's hair out.

Wait, if I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is
peanut butter.
-- Marge, a little rusty on her mothering,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"
          
% But it won't budge.  So Marge adds some mayonnaise and tells Lisa to
% go out and sit in the sun.  Sulky, Lisa concurs.  A lone bee flies
% near Lisa's hair.  She waves it off.  The bee comes back with its
% buddies, and they descend on Lisa's head.
%
% As she runs screaming around the back yard, one bee breaks off from
% the pack.  The camera shifts to a bee's-eye view.  It flies past
% Skinner, Bart (still skateboarding), and the Bee Guy.  Finally, it
% alights on Smithers, who is pedaling Burns around on a bicycle built
% for two.

   Burns: [looking up from his magazine]  Smithers, what's the meaning
          of this slacking off?
Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir.
   Burns: And?
Smithers: I, I'm allergic to bee stings.  They cause me to, uh, die.
   Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum.
Smithers: Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir?
   Burns: Quite impossible.  I could try to bat him off if you like.
           [tries, feebly]
Smithers: Uh, really, that's o-- [the bee stings Smithers, who slumps
          over the handlebars]
   Burns: Holy cats, man!  We're starting to wobble.
Smithers: [heavily slurred]  Get ... me ... to ... a ... hospital ...
          you ... have ... to ... pedal.
   Burns: Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers.  Fear not, I'll get you to a
          hospital -- the only way I know how.
          Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that
          flange, now!  Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled
          brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the
          right doodad!  Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you
          stuporous funker!
-- Burns and Smithers bikercise,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Burns and that "wretched shirkaday" Smithers arrive at the
% hospital's entrance, where the two men collapse in a heap.  Two
% orderlies spring out the door with a stretcher.  They pause to take
% stock of the situation, then take Burns onto the stretcher and into
% the hospital.  Dr. Nick Riviera walks by.

Smithers: [collapsed] Help... me.
 Riviera: Holy smokes, you need booze. [tosses him change]
-- Don't worry, he'll be back, 
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Dr. Nick throws some change to Smithers, and walks inside the
% hospital, and finds his way into a boardroom.

Riviera: Hi, everybody!
  Board: [unenthused]  Hi, Dr. Nick.
-- At a malpractice board hearing,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few
          complaints against you.  [reads from clipboard]  Of the 160
          gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major
          operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
 Riviera: But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
 Riviera: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
-- "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% An orderly barges in, and yells that there's a crazy man with a
% scalpel in E/R demanding to see a quack.  It's up to Dr. Nick.
%
% The "crazy man" turns out to be Abe Simpson, holding off the
% emergency room crowd.  Dr. Riviera asks "where is the trouble", and
% Abe gives him a full load of symptons, which describe "bonus eruptus"
% which is a disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth
% and escape the body.  Abe's only hope is "transdental electromicide".
% Dr. Riviera asks for a golf cart motor with a 1000 volt capacimator,
% but the two-second hesitation pushes him past schedule.  Nick
% improvises by ripping the cords from an operating lamp and shocking
% the sh-- hell out of Abe.  "Keep doing that every five seconds",
% the "doctor" instructs.  The malpractice charges are dropped, and
% Dr. Nick enthuses "Free nose jobs for everyone!" starting with
% Jasper, who wants a Van Heflin.
%
% Dr. Nick leads Jasper off while Abe continues to receive trans-
% dermal electromicide.  The treatment causes lights to flicker all
% over town, including Moe's Tavern.

   Moe: Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to
        NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah, you had a good laugh, Moe.
   Moe: The results came back today.  
-- At Moe's Tavern, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

   Moe: [reading a printout] You owe me seventy billion dollars.
Barney: Huh?
   Moe: No, wait, wait, wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft.
-- Moe got NASA to calculate Barney's tab,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"
          
% Barney's tab is fourteen billion dollars.
%
% Snake bursts into the bar, and threatens to kill Barney if Moe
% moves.  Apparently uncaring of his best customer, Moe leaps behind
% an alcove in the wall behind three inches of bulletproof glass...
% leaving Snake free to steal all the money from the register.  Moe
% remains trapped within the alcove until air runs out.

% [End of Act I.  Time: 7'33"]

% Elsewhere in Springfield, Superintendent Chalmers walks up to the
% door of a neatly-kept house.  Principal Skinner greets him there.
% Chalmers just grunts as the two men go inside.  Skinner heads for
% the kitchen, where he notices smoke billowing out from the stove.
% The worst has happened -- the roast he has prepared is burnt.
% Skinner, however, has an ace up his sleeve.  He plans to purchase
% fast food from the Krusty Burger across the street and pass it as his
% own cooking.  Skinner starts to climb out the window when Chalmers
% suddenly comes into the kitchen.

Chalmers: Seymour!
 Skinner: Superintendent; I was just, uh, just stretching my calves on
          the windowsill.  Isometric exercise.  Care to join me?
Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
 Skinner: Uh, oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam.  Steam from the steamed
          clams we're having.  [rubs stomach] Mmm -- steamed clams.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent, 
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Either Chalmers is satisfied with this explanation, or decides not
% to pursue the matter further.  In any case, he goes back to the
% dining room.  Skinner jumps out the window and runs over to the
% Krusty Burger after Chalmers leaves.
%
% A few minutes later, Skinner makes an entrance the dining room
% carrying a big platter of Krusty Burgers.

 Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering
          hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
 Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams."  That's what I call
          hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
 Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh.  What region?
 Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really.  Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use
          the phrase, "steamed hams."
 Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Chalmers suspends his disbelief long enough to enjoy some of
% Skinner's steamed hams.

Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones the
          have at Krusty Burger.
 Skinner: [laughs]  Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers.  Old family
          recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams.
 Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that
          they are obviously grilled.  [shows Skinner the grill marks]
 Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh-- ... 'scuse me for one
          second.
Chalmers: Of course.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Skinner retires to the kitchen for a second.  When he walks back
% into the dining room, we can see that the entire kitchen is in
% flames.

 Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful.  Good time was had
          by all.  I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be --
           [notes entire kitchen is on fire]
          Good Lord, what is happening in there?
 Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis?  At this time of year?  A this time of day?
          In this part of the country?  Localized entirely within your
          kitchen?
 Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
 Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
-- Skinner and Superintendent,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Skinner escorts Chalmers back outside.

   Agnes: [offscreen]  Seymour!  The house is on fire!
 Skinner: No, mother.  It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you
          steam a good ham.
           [Chalmers walks off.  He looks back at Skinner, who flashes
            him the "thumbs-up" sign]
   Agnes: Help!  Help!
-- Skinner and the Superintendent, 
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% A fire engines rushes to the Skinners' rescue.  It rushes past
% Homer, who is carrying Maggie, a bundle of groceries, and is holding
% Santa's Little Helper's leash.  He notices a disturbing news story in
% the "Springfield Shopper" kiosk -- Senator Helms (R-NC) is calling
% for a tax on donuts.  (Mmmm ... taxable food item.)  Juggling the
% baby, the groceries, and the dog, Homer pays for and gets his copy of
% the paper.  ("Done, and done!")  He quickly realizes the mission
% wasn't entirely successful -- somehow, Maggie got locked in the
% kiosk!  He fishes in his pockets for another quarter, but the coins
% are all stretched out because of his stop at the railroad tracks.
% Rushing off to get change leaves Maggie overly upset, so Homer
% stays and tries various techniques to save her, all unsuccessful,
% until he stumbled on the solution.
%
% Later, at the old Simpson place, we see Homer's clever solution.  He
% unbolted the kiosk and carried it, Maggie and all, back to the baby's
% crib.  There, they play a rousing game of peek-a-boo, with Maggie
% using the paper as a screen, and babbles.  At a Krusty Burger,
% Chief Wiggum also babbles as he enjoys a meat-flavored sandwich.

   Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday
        night --
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
   Lou: Uh, the McDonald's.  I, I never heard of it either, but they
        have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
 Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
-- Ignorance is bliss, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"
   
   Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little
        differences.
Wiggum: Example.
   Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese,
        right?  But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out!  Well, what do they call it?
   Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese?  Well, I can picture the cheese,
        but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy
        gum-based beverages?
   Lou: Mm-hm.  They call 'em, "shakes."
 Eddie: Huh, shakes.  You don't know what you're gettin'.
-- Don't think you want to know,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Chief Wiggum wants to get some donuts, but finds himself stuck in
% the booth.  Eddie and Lou deflate the booth and help Wiggum out.
%
% As Wiggum leaves the Krusty Burger, Pedro the Bee Guy drives past.
% The camera follows him home.  He kisses his wife and removes his
% outfit.

Ay, que dia miserable a trabajo.
-- Pedro the Bumblebee Man, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Pedro's atrocities during the filming (or making) of the show include
% getting attacked by a woodpecker, becoming electrically shocked with
% spaghetti, and whacked with a giant baseball.

Pedro: Ah, tiempo para relaxar en paz y quieto.
        [opens a cabinet full of oranges which wallop his head]
       !Ay, naranjas en la cabeza!
        [flails about in his home until he finds himself stuck on
         a chandelier]
       !Ay, una candelabra precariosa!
        [the chandelier is pulled free of the ceiling; bringing the
         ceiling down with it]
 Emma: [walking down and seeing the disaster] !Ay!
       Mira que cosa tan terrible, yo no puedo entender algo como
       esto, como puedo vivir con un hombre tan irresponsible.
       !No, no, no, no no!
        [walks off, handing Pedro a divorce paper]
-- "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Ay, ?donde esta mi tequila?
-- Pedro the Bumblebee Man, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% The rest of the house crumbles.
%
% Snake, on the lam from the bar heist, drives by.  He stops at an
% intersection, and sees Wiggum cross in front of him, who
% (surprisingly) recognizes him.  Fearing the jig is up, Snake floors
% the accelerator.  Wiggum tumbles over the hood and roof of the car.
% Snake hits a mailbox (sending a gusher of mail skyward) before ramming
%a wall.

Hey, hey, wait up!  We gotta swap insurance info!
-- Chief Wiggum after a car crash,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Wiggum catches up with Snake, and the two men fight.  They barrel-
% roll right into Herman's military antique store.  Herman greets the
% two combatants with his shotgun, and holds them up.
%
% A donut rolls out of Wiggum's box, out the door, and down the sewer.
% The camera tracks it back to Evergreen Terrace, where Reverend
% Lovejoy is walking a sheepdog.  He stops in front of Flanders' house.

Lovejoy: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here.  That's a good boy,
         do your dirty sinful business.
    Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy.  Nice to see you there ... on
         my lawn ... with your dog.
Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog!  Look at that, right on Ned's lawn.
         Now how could you do such a thing?
          [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now.
         Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell.
    Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh?
          [leaves]
Lovejoy: [to dog]  Good boy, don't stop the music.
-- Revenge is a dish best served... um, hot,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Ned walks by the Simpsons' kitchen window, where Marge is squeezing
% a grapefruit on Lisa's hair.

  Ned:  [notes Marge squeezing a grapefruit]
       Marge Simpson!  Still making juice the old-fashioned way?
        [actually, Marge is squeezing it on Lisa's hair]
 Lisa: No, I've got gum in my hair.
Marge: Oh, we've tried everything:  olive oil, lemon juice, tartar
       sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba
       ganoush.
 Lisa: My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
  Ned: Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube, and hit it with a
       hammer?  Works for me when I get bubbly-gum in the old push-
       broom.
-- The Eternal Question of Gum in One's Hair,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Later, Ned bangs away at Lisa's hair on the kitchen table.
% Unfortunately, all this does is flatten the gum out, mashing more
% hair into the gum.  Everyone in town seems to want to take a bash at
% solving this precarious problem, including Groundskeeper Willie,
% Lionel Hutz, and the Capital City Goofball.

% [End of Act II.  Time: 16'22"]

% Time for another show-within-a-show, this time featuring our
% favorite bumpkin.

Hey, what's going on on this side?
-- Cletus pokes his head through a TV cue card,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Brandine is doing some of her daily chores.  Cletus walks in,
% carrying a pair of black shoes.

  Cletus: Hey, Brandine!  You might could wear these to your job
          interview.
Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway?  Naw, you best bring
          'em back from where you got 'em.
-- Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Cletus shimmies up a telephone pole, and tosses the shoes out on the
% wire.

         [on top of a telephone pole]
Cletus: Hey you know what?  I could call my ma while I'm up here.
        [yelling] Hey, maw!  Get off the dang roof!
-- Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel,
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% The camera follows the phone wire back into The Android's Dungeon.
% There, the owner is sending out for food.  Just when he completes
% his order, Milhouse walks in with a potty emergency.  ("I'm gonna
% explode!")  He must purchase something to use the bathroom, so
% Milhouse gets with his three quarters a Hamburglar Adventure.
% Milhouse pays for the comic.  Just then, his dad comes into the
% store.  Mr. Van Houten returns for his kid and finds him buying
% comic books.  Milhouse is dragged away.
%
% Meanwhile at Herman's Military Antiques Shop, Herman has restrained
% Chief Wiggum and Snake in bondage gear, and discusses their near
% future.  "As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin."  The door
% buzzes, but it's not Zed, just those wacky Van Houtens.  Milhouse
% still needs to use the bathroom, so Herman tells him to make it
% quick.  Over Chief Wiggum and Snake's muffled protests, Mr. VH
% reminisces about how the store used to be a pet shop.  But Herman
% will have none of it.  "Get in the corner," he orders.  But soon
% afterward, he's whacked on the head with a mace... the ball-and-
% chain kind.  He's also wearing a helmet.  Milhouse wants to buy
% this ensemble, then notices Herman unconscious on the floor.
%
% Wiggum uses the moment to hop out on his chair.  Outside, he crosses
% paths with Lisa.  She steps in the Snippy Longstocking barbershop,
% and gets into the chair.  She gets her gummy hair cut into a nice-
% looking style.

I finally look like a real person!
-- Lisa, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield" (meta-humor alert)

% Nelson does appreciate Lisa's new look -- he laughs at her ("HA-
% ha!").  Lisa sighs and replaces her wool hat.  Mrs. Glick walks by,
% trips on the curb, and winds up head-first in a trash can.  Nelson
% laughs at this, too.  An extremely tall man drives past in a VW
% Beetle, scrunched up so his knees almost bang into his head.  Nelson
% laughs.  This proves to be his undoing.  The man pulls over, unfolds
% himself from the car, and pursues Nelson.  Realizing his predicament
% ("Crud.") Nelson runs off.  The man rounds the corner, but sees only
% Lisa, and an open manhole.  Of course, the manhole is where Nelson
% is hiding.

Wadlow: [lifts Nelson out of the sewer by his head]
         Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm
         driving my automobile?
Nelson: Yeah.
Wadlow: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
         [turns Nelson to face the car] 
        This was the largest auto that I could afford.  Am I therefore
        to be made the subject of fun?
Nelson: I guess so.
-- Nelson, unclear on the concept, 
     "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% The tall guy forces Nelson to march down Main Street, pants down.  
% He drives slowly behind the ashamed bully.

Wadlow: Hey, everybody!  Look at this -- it's that boy who laughs at
        everyone.  [Nelson]  Let's laugh at him!
 Crowd: HA-ha!
-- Stupid poetic justice, "Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

% Ketchup and mustard rain down on Nelson.  From the bridge, Bart and
% Milhouse laugh at him.  Bart still remembers his comment from about
% 21 minutes and 10 seconds ago, and Milhouse agrees.  "Everybody in
% town's got their story to tell."  Bart notes, "There's just not
% enough time to hear them all."
%
% As if on cue, Professor John Frink tries to get in a funny story
% of his own... but he's too late.  The camera fades out on the poor
% professor, even as he tries to sing his monkey-written theme song.

% [End of Act III.  Time: 21'39"]

=======================================================================
> Contributions
=======================================================================

{ddg} - Don Del Grande 
 {je} - Jesse Edgerton
 {jh} - Jason Hancock
 {jl} - Jose Lafaurie
 {hl} - Haynes Lee
 {vm} - Veronica Marquez
{mar} - Mark Richey
{bjr} - Benjamin Robinson
 {rs} - Rick Senger

=======================================================================
> Legal crud
=======================================================================
The above compilation of observations, quote summaries, statistics, and
other miscellaneous information copyright 1996 Chips-Fey Productions.
Not to be used in a public forum without explicit permission from the
author (Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.) or his brother Jose Lafaurie.

Any quoted material above remains property of the original authors;
mainly, quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The
Simpsons, and copyright to Twentieth Century Fox.  The compilation is
copyrighted to Benjamin Jay Robinson.  So don't sue.

Everybody's got a special kind of story, everybody's got their way to
shine, it don't matter what you got, not a lot, so what?  They'll have
theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine, and together we'll be
fine, 'cuz it takes diff'rent strokes to move the world, yes it does,
it takes diff'rent strokes to move the..... ahem.