Bart on the Road                               Written by Richard Appel
				       Directed by Swinton O. Scott III
=======================================================================
Production Code: 3F17               Original Airdate in N.A.: 31-Mar-96
					   Capsule revision B, 7-May-96
=======================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis {sp}
=======================================================================

    While Lisa spends her spring break at work with Homer, Bart drives
    Milhouse, Martin and Nelson to Tennessee, thanks to his fake ID and
    Martin's cash from a stock dividend.  Voices: Nancy Cartwright,
    Pamela Hayden.

=======================================================================
> Opening Sequence
=======================================================================

>> COUCH SCENE

      Snowball II yells as the room is cleared and the Simpsons are
      put in place by a pinsetter.

	(Recycled from 3F06.)

[Are the blackboard scenes becoming a distant memory? --ed]

=======================================================================
> Did you notice...
=======================================================================
   ... Lurleen Lumpkin's name was in a sign in Branson, Missouri?

Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.:
   ... Smithers appeared in this episode, but not Burns?
   ... the pulsating noise whenever we see Homer's workstation?

Haynes Lee:
   ... the mousehole in the side of the wall of the courier office?
   ... the Happy Little Elves over Maggie's crib?

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... Marge not noticing the milk dripping from Bart's cereal box?
   ... Milhouse considers himself a nerd (after discovering the truth
       in [1F07], no doubt)?
   ... Martin wears a white nightshirt to bed?
   ... Martin drools (big-time!) in his sleep?
   ... "Milton" is a combination of Milhouse and Martin? (evidently
       Bart is very accustomed to speaking impatiently with Milhouse)
   ... Lisa has a phone in her room?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... milk drips out of the bottom of the cereal box?
   ... according to a sign in the window, Kwik-E-Mart sells Duff by the
       suitcase for $12.95?
   ... Moe says he checks everyone's ID, but doesn't bother doing that
       with Nelson or Milhouse?
   ... Homer says Lisa is the only <man> he can trust?
   ... Smithers does not object to Lisa's presence at the plant?
   ... the Andy Williams show was endorsed by Look magazine?  (this
       is funnier when you realize Look folded a couple of decades ago)
   ... the man at the World's fair site is sitting on a box of glitter
       wigs?
   ... Lisa says, "stewardess," instead of the less sexist, "flight
       attendant?"
   ... Bart did not bother to laminate his driver's license?

John Murray:
   ... when Milhouse and his dad go down the firepoles the music sounds
       like the theme from Batman?
   ... Homer thinks purple is a fruit (Mmm...Purple)?
   ... Homer now works the night shift?

Veronica Marquez:
   ... Nelson lives in a shack?
   ... Marge corrects her grammar, apparently because of the grammar
       rodeo?
   ... the Gracie Films logo is captioned for the second time? (The
       first being 3F31)

Jason Hancock:
   ... Bart's car has purple license plates?
   ... the kids listen to "Radar Love" on 94.5 FM?
   ... one of the light bulbs on the SNPP map is supposed to represent
       my hometown Quad Cities (Davenport and Bettendorf, IA; Rock
       Island and Moline, IL) Nuclear Generating Station?
   ... the Canadian family drives on the left side of the road after 
       turning around?
   ... the Andy Williams concert is reviewed by Look magazine, which
       folded 25 years ago?
   ... Homer's face turns red after finding out where Bart is?
   ... apparently Bart is afraid to drive on the interstates, as we see
       nothing but two-lane roads on the trip?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Bart's license says his birthday is February 11, 1970, he's 4'0"
       tall, weighs 85 pounds, and eyes color "BL" (blue? black?)?
       (For you overseas fans, "2/11" means February 11 in the USA and
       not November 2; also, 85 pounds is about 39 kg)
   ... Spring Break is April 15-19?
   ... Skinner's calendar has four lines for April, so April 28/29/30
       share spaces with April 21/22/23?
   ... Springfield Elementary School is on 19 Plympton Street?
   ... Bart's cereal is not in a bag inside the box?
   ... Milhouse's father makes crackers, and Martin's father is a
       stockbroker?
   ... the two radiation suits look the same size when hung up, yet one
       fits Homer and the other fits Lisa?
   ... Bart found a car in which he can reach the petals and see over
       the dashboard?
   ... both of Nelson's "haa-haa"s were of a lower pitch than usual?
   ... the writers must like alt.folklore.urban, because, not happy
       with Lisa and Coriolis Effect (2F13), now Bart demonstrates
       "cruise control steers the car"?
   ... Lisa has a princess phone in her room?
   ... when Homer spun Lisa around, she doesn't get dizzy?
   ... when Homer dials the Oak Ridge Nuclear Plant number, he has it
       memorized and only dials seven digits?
   ... Bart knows Chinese?  [I disagree because I think the courier
       service trained him to say "Here are your eyes" --ed]
   ... Homer's trashcan fire did not set off any smoke detectors?
   ... Maggie's room has a Happy Little Elves train on one wall and a
       poster of a mushroom on another?
   ... it almost sounds as if Maggie tries to say "Mommy" when Marge
       picks her up?
   ... one side of the dome is in perfect shape (before it falls) while
       the other side has holes in it?
   ... SNPP and Oak Ridge must be connected by a special telephone
       service that allows Homer to dial only seven digits when
       calling, since SNPP is shown not to be in Tennessee?

Penny Wise:
   ... Bart's driver's license says "Springfield, USA"?
   ... Spring Break was the third week of April?
   ... the "National Grammar Rodeo" is supposedly in Canada?
   ... Nelson laughs at Martin's toy dog when it gets run over?
   ... the car next to Bart's on the highway whose driver Nelson
       smacked, turns the car AROUND to go back to Winnepeg, meaning
       that the boys weren't even heading towards Canada?
   ... Homer plays the part that Moe usually does during prank phone
       calls?
   ... the last 6 digits of the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility are 071710?
   ... the package that contains the T-437 Safety Command Console and
       Nelson, Martin, and Milhouse, was just labeled 'TO SPRINGFIELD,
       FROM: OAK RIDGE'?

Mark Richey:
   ... Skinner's calendar is for April 1996?
   ... Itchy & Scratchy come on in the morning?
   ... Bart pours milk and eats directly into the cereal box?
   ... Homer's radiation suit has his name on it?
   ... Nelson's faint "Ha ha"'s at the end of acts I and II?
   ... Bart's actually a pretty good driver (cornfield incident aside)?
   ... Homer throws a book into the wastebasket paper fire?
   ... Maggie cries?
   ... Milhouse still has his glasses after the pawnshop?

Jose Lafaurie:
   ... Bart's car had a blank purple license plate?
   ... everytime Martin falls asleep, he drools?
   ... Bart apparently went without sleep when arriving at the "Wod
       Fir"?
   ... the foursome actually bought wigs?
   ... Lisa is unconcerned that Homer would murder Bart?

Anthony Dean:
   ... that Nelson's parents don't seem to care about the whereabouts
       of their son?
   ... that (in this episode, at least) Springfield seems to be in a
       state out west?
   ... that Homer actually keeps a secret?

Bob Roberds:
   ... this is the first spotting of Martin's father since "Kamp
       Krusty"?
   ... Bart's driving has improved since "Burns' Heir"?
   ... when Homer tells Lisa that he plans to murder Bart, her only
       concern is that Bart will "know I told"?

=======================================================================
> Cast
=======================================================================

>> Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty, Selma)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Maggie)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Cletus, Mr. Van Houten, Moe, hitchhiker, harried
     Winnipeg father, wig shop owner, pawn shop owner, dispatcher)
   - Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Mr. Prince, Andy Williams,
     Smithers, real estate hypnosis man, Al Gore, Oak Ridge tech)

>> Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
   - Jim Lau (Hong Kong doctor)
   - Tress Macneille (the airport ticket lady)
   - Russi Taylor (Martin)

=======================================================================
> Movie, Music, and other References
=======================================================================
	
+ America West Airlines {jh}
    - name "AmeriWestica" similar
+ Take your daughter to work day {bjr}
    - Mr. Skinner bases his "Go to work with your parents day" on this
      annual event
+ "Batman" (TV show)
    - the "sliding down poles" thing
  Kay Bee Toy Stores {vm}  
    - "Wee World" is similar
  "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" {hl}
    - movie about a teenager who skips school and steals a car with
      his friends
+ Apollo 13 disaster
    - Lisa uses the trademark "Houston, we have a problem" and calls
      it Homer 13
+ "Radar Love" by Golden Earring (circa 1975)
    - the music playing on the radio
+ "The Bridges of Madison County"
    - Martin's suggestion of destination takes from this book/film
+ "White Lightning" {hl}
    - Burt Reynolds drives car through cornfields like Bart does
  "National Lampoon's Family Vacation" {vr}
    - the station wagon that pulled up beside the 4 guys, where the dad
      threatened to turn the car aruond if the kids didn't stop 
      screwing around
+ "Phantom of the Opera" {vm}
    - "Phantom of the Opry" based on this famous play (the author
      eludes me)
+ The Grand Ole Opry {vm}
    - "Phantom of the Opry" also a reference to the Carnegie Hall of
      country/western performers
+ "Beatlemania" {ddg} 
    - "Alabamania" a parody
+ "Up With People," a black musical group {jh}
    - "Up With White People" a parody
+ "Moon River"
    - Andy Williams song
~ "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" {dga}
    - Kirk pawns his reading glasses
+ "The China Syndrome" {br}
    - Homer spilling Buzz Cola on the T-437

=======================================================================
> Freeze Frame Fun
=======================================================================

>> The following areas have nuclear power plants  {pw}
	  
   - Oregon
       
       Harney Basin
   
   - California
			
       Arcata
       Diablo County (it has two)
       Mojave
       San Onofre 
		
   - Idaho
			
       Twin Falls
		
   - Nevada
			
       Battle Mtn
       Egan Range
       Indian Springs
       
   - Arizona
			
       Grand Canyon
       Tennessee
       Oak Ridge

>> Bart's drivers license {pw}

______________
|            |  B47U89RE243
|   Boring   |  
|     old    |  BART SIMPSON
|    photo   |  742 Evergreen Terr
|     of     |  Springfield, USA
|    Bart    |
|            |  Sex  Height  Eyes   Weight
|____________|  M    4'0     blue   85

>> Some of the acts in Branson  {bjr}

     Waylon Jennings and Madam
     "Phantom of the Opry"
     "Up With White People"
     "Fent Dixon and the Second Helping Band"
     Lurleen Lumpkin and Pip Doodler
     Alabamamania
     Show Show Show {jl}

>> Miscellaneous signs {pw}

     Tenneseein is Tennessbelievin
     4 Dozen Glitter Wigs, small
     Hocksville Tennessee
	
>> Technical Credits (if you Care) {vm}

    Overseas Animation: Akom (N.J. Kim) {ddg}
    Assistant Director: Pete Michels
    Animation Timers: Neil Affleck, Nichole Graham, Emily Michels,
      Cyndi Tang
    Storyboard: Christian Roman, Chris Moeller, Pete Michels
    Character Design Supervisor: Scott Alberts
    Character Design: Dale Hendrickson, Joseph Wack, Mark Howard,
      Matt Groening, Sam Simon
    Background Design Supervisor: Lance Wilder
    Background Design: John Krause, Maria Marrioti-Wilder, Edgar
      Duncan

=======================================================================
> Previous Episode References
=======================================================================
- Postscripts: {vm}
  - 7F11: Homer says he'll "live life to the fullest" and over the
	  credits munches pork rinds and watches a bowling tournament
  - 9F21: Homer thanks everyone on behalf of the group and makes a
	  joke which everyone laughs at (though Barney doesn't get it)
  - 3F07: Bart plays the lame-o "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge"
  - 3F15: A news report on Troy McClure starring in his own pet
	  project
  - 3F17: Marge answers calls on the various mischief Bart has made
	  abroad
- Batman references: (TV show or movie)
  - 7G08, 1F08: "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..."
  - 7F17: The Joker wants grabs at Abe's money
  - 7F18: Krusty wipes "flesh-colored" makeup off his head
  - 7F21: Bart grabs comic book receptionist and says "I'm Bartman"
    (like the movie)
  - 8F15: spinning background and Bart's head
  - 8F20: "To the Simpson-mobile!"
  - 9F07: Adam West (the original Batman) guest stars, and drives the
	  Batmobile
  - 9F10: Burns' escape from the town meeting
  - 9F15: "Give me the mirror" scene lifted out of the movie
  - 9F15: The revolving door (Batgirl)
  - 9F15: Burns and Smithers slide down poles (TV) while the Danny
	  Elfman theme plays (movie)
  - 1F09: Spinning newspaper and music
  - 1F11: The musical cue {jac}
  - 1F17: One of the beekeepers talks and acts like Adam West
  - 2F14: The ballet teacher mentions that he wears tights {vm}
  - 2F17: campy '70s Radioactive Man
  - 3F01: spinning background and state seal
  - 3F12: signing forms is more interesting than a weekend with Batman
	  {vm}
  - 3F12: Krusty's "flesh-colored" makeup wipes off {dga}
- [7G02], [7G13] Lisa questions intelligence value on Bart {vm}
- [7G03], [8F24] Martin's parents are seen
- [7G13] Homer takes Adil to SNPP {hl}
- [7G13] Bart speaks a foreign language {jh}
- [7F07] Bart uses a fake ID {vm}
- [7F20] Bart drives a car {jh}
- [8F02], [2F06] Lisa gorges herself on candy {jl}
- [8F04] Donuts with purple filling (Mmm... purple) {vm}
- [8F04], [2F07] A Rubik's Cube is seen/mentioned {jh}
- [8F08] Lisa plays truth or dare {hl}
- [8F09] Smithers meets Homer by the candy machine {vm}
- [8F12] Lisa says "Woo-hoo!" {vm}
- [8F19], [9F10], [9F19], [3F10] Lurleen Lumpkin is referenced
- [8F19], [3F02] The camera spins around something {vm}
- [9F11] An unlaminated driver's license is seen {vm}
- [9F12] An R-rated movie turns up less than expected {vm}
- [9F14] A Simpson uses a fake ID as a minor (cf. Homer in 9F14)
- [9F15] "Batman" reference while sliding down firepoles {vm}
- [9F22] The 1982 Knoxville World's Fair is referenced (cf. Homer's
  oversize cigar) {ddg}
- [1F03] Homer "sticks it to the man" (the candy machines)
- [1F18] A letter from a marquee falls off and lands on the ground (cf.
  the "K" of the Kwik-E-Mart in 1F18) {jh}
- [2F07] Al Gore is referenced ("I will.") {vm}
- [2F08] Maggie cries {jl}
- [2F12] Mr. Van Houten's job at the cracker factory {jl}
- [2F14] Money is invested in the futures market {vm}
- [2F16] Homer vents his frustration away from Lisa {jh}
- [2F17] The music from when the Van Houtens slide down poles and
  from when the director reminisces about the '70s RM are exactly the
  same (listen close, you'll see!) {vm}
- [2F33] A joke is made about "Bridges of Madison County" {vm}
- [3F01] Marge eyes the empty kids' rooms {vm}
- [3F11] The AAA (American Automobile Association) is mentioned {jh}

=======================================================================
> Animation, Continuity, and other Goofs
=======================================================================

* Principal Skinner can hear Bart over the intercom.  {br}  [It's
  probably just meta-humor, a la 2F17.  -ed]

+ In 8F15, Springfield Elementary doesn't seem to have a problem with
  recommending homemaking as a career to Lisa.  {ad}

+ The service at the DMV has usually been quicker than featured in this
  episode.  {jl}

+ Patty and Selma smoke at the DMV.  What happened to their boss who
  believes that smokers are worse than Hitler?  {br}

* The episode is set in April 1996.  Bart's fake driver's license says
  he was born in February, 1970, which would make him 26.  However,
  everyone says he's 25.  {mar}

= When Bart and friends leave Moe's, their beers disappear.  {jl}

+ Homer has spinnable chairs at work, a step up from the Econo-Save
  factory second stools he used to have to put up with.  {br}

- Neither Lisa's nor Homer's mouth moves when they laugh while
  spinning on the swivel chair.  {vm}

* Martin should have a little less than $600, since he spent part of
  the day's profits on toys from Wee World.  {bjr}

= Martin pulled his dividend money out of thin air.  {jl}

* $600 will not take four people to Tennessee by car, much less back.
  {jl}

* How did Bart learn to drive so well, so quickly?  {jh}

- The music on the radio stops after Nelson hits Milhouse in the head.
  {jh}

= We hear Martin quite clearly screaming when they drive into the
  cornfield, but he's asleep.  {jl}

* AAA guides are white - they have never been green; also, the state
  name was not listed on the guide they had.  {ddg}

= In the long shot of Homer changing the lightbulbs, he clearly changes
  Diablo Canyon #2's bulb, while #1's is out.  However, in both the
  closeup and in Homer's comment, this is reversed.  {mar}

- Diablo Canyon is over 300 miles down the coast from San Francisco
  Bay, not in the Bay Area like Homer's map displays.  {ddg}

* The Manitoban father didn't have a Canadian accent.  {br}

* Correct me if I'm wrong, but weigh stations are usually found on 
  interstate highways, not two-lane backroads.  {jh}

- Jolly Ranchers are hard candy; when Smithers ate one, it should have
  crunched like a Life Saver when he chewed it.  {ddg}

+ The candy haul is much larger when it's at Homer's workstation.  {jl}

+ Since when did Homer work the night shift?  {mar}

+ Wouldn't Moe have recognized Homer's voice on the phone?  {jh}

= At first, it looks like Maggie is lying on her left side, facing to
  Marge's left, but she's on her right side, facing to Marge's right,
  in the closeup (when she pokes her.)  {br}

+ What happened to the "Do It For Her" sign and Maggie's pictures from
  2F10?  {ddg} {mar}

= Martin's Al Gore doll disappears.  {jl}

= Bart and pals switch order somewhat after they crush the car; Nelson
  is moved to the far right, and Martin to the far left.  {jl}

= Everyone including Martin stare angrily at Nelson after he makes his
  remark about Georgia; in the next shot, Martin is in a crouching
  position rather quickly.  {jl}

= How did Milhouse get his glasses out of hock?  He has them on in the
  next scene.  {bjr}

= When Bart and friends lose the train, Martin, Bart and Milhouse are
  adjacent in the far shot, but when the camera is on Bart, Martin is
  way behind him and Milhouse, panting for breath.  {jl}

* Why would Lisa answer the phone at night instead of Homer or Marge?
  {jh}

* Why would the Oak Ridge plant sent the console?  Wouldn't they refer
  Homer to the manufacturers, no matter how dire the emergency is?
  {mar}

* Uh, what happens when the rental car company calls Bart about the
  car?  {ddg}

=======================================================================
> Comments and other observations
=======================================================================

>> Did Bart use 1-800-COLLECT?

I think not.  1-800-COLLECT calls are automated; there is no operator.
    Yet Marge spoke as she accepted the call from Bart.

>> Where is Springfield? (i.e. What is "The Noodle Incident"?)

From this episode we can rule out: California, Nevada, Utah (from the
    map), Tennessee, Missouri, and Georgia (the suggested destinations)
    Jose Lafaurie adds, "Also note that when Bart calls collect it's
    getting dark in Tennessee but the day is bright in Springfield (you
    can take a peek out the window), and when Bart calls Lisa again,
    it's afternoon in Tennessee and early morning in Springfield,
    suggesting a Pacific Time Zone area for Springfield."

Jason Hancock: "Bart and the kids started their trip in a state with a
    lot of cornfields and prairies, which indicates a Midwestern state.
    If they visited Branson, MO, along the way, Springfield's state
    probably wouldn't be east of the Mississippi since they took an
    easterly (or southerly, at some point) route.  That could put
    Springfield in Kansas, Nebraska, or Iowa -- three states that 
    border Missouri from the west and north.

>> I thought R stood for "Racy"!

Benjamin Robinson says, "The boys' bad luck with R-rated movies
    continues.  First, the gang troops off to see `Barton Fink' in
    `Brother from the Same Planet (9F12),' and now they try to swallow
    `Naked Lunch.'  This movie was, from what I heard, a highly surreal
    trip into the mind of a junkie -- or something like that.
    Certainly, it's not as much fun as the title suggests."

>> He might be related to their spokesman, too

Benjamin Robinson says, "The car Bart rented looks most like a Ford
    Crown Victoria.  The size of the car, the window treatment (six
    windows on each side), and the taillights are a good match.  The
    grille, however is a little too large.  If this car is indeed a
    Crown Vic, it means:

    - Bart rented the most expensive car possible, short of a Lincoln
      Town car.

    - Bart rented a car that he could barely see out of. Good thing he
      had cruise control since he probably had a tough time reaching
      the pedals.

    - Bart most likely rented from Hertz, which features the fine
      products of the Ford Motor Corporation.

>> Radar Love

That's the song the gang was listening to in the car.  Benjamin  
    Robinson tells us, "`Radar Love,' by Golden Earring, was first sung
    in the '70's.  It became popular again when White Lion covered it
    in the late '80's.  The boys were listening to the original version
    -- kudos on their excellent taste.  (The `spin around the car'
    camera effect was also neat.)"

>> Sinless City

From Benjamin Robinson: "Bart's description of Branson, Missouri, as
    being a Flanderized Las Vegas is right on target.  Among other
    things, the townsfolk in Branson banned R- (and higher-) rated
    movies, salacious cable channels, and anything else not considered
    wholesome, family-oriented entertainment."

>> Waylon Jennings and Madam, together at last

Benjamin Robinson says, "Madam was the dummy half of a ventriloquist
    act.  She was a granny puppet that told off-color jokes.  Her
    human partner died a while back.  Waylon Jennings has had a long
    career in country music.  He is perhaps most famous for (a) not
    getting on the plane that killed Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and
    the Big Bopper, and (b) singing the theme to `Dukes of Hazzard.'"

>> Mother always did like you best

Benjamin Robinson ponders, "So whom does Homer like best?  Not Lisa, or
    he would have told her.  Almost certainly not Bart, since he drives
    Homer up the wall most days.  This means that Homer's favorite kid
    is none other than Maggie!  Way to go, girl!"

>> The hilariouser the name, the deliciouser the candy

From Veronica Marquez:

Zagnut Bar... "Pretty atrocious amalgation of nuts and other ungodly
    stuff."

Razzles... "I think these are Willy Wonka candies."

Skittles... "Easily mistaken for M&Ms, Skittles are fruit candy.  Their
    slogan is `Taste the Rainbow', and now comes in a variety of
    styles, flavors, and colors.  Unfortunately it has now gotten to
    a point where it's anyone's guess as to what flavor any particular
    color is -- until you eat it.  Then you invariably get Wild Berry."

Whatchamacalits... "A candy bar which is an amalgation of milk choco-
    late, nuts, nougat, and a whole bunch of other stuff.  Pretty good,
    but you need a strong jaw."  Jose Lafaurie adds, "Especially if
    it's one year old!"

Twizzlers... "`Makes mouths happy.'  Long intertwined sticks of
    licorice, strawberry, or cherry.  Eating it is an exercise of
    clamping the stick in your jaws and pulling at it with your hand.
    If you are now thinking of something other than Twizzlers, you need
    professional help."

Jolly Ranchers... "They come in sticks or squares, are artificial
    fruit flavored (nevertheless quite delicious), and will make your
    teeth beg for mercy if you eat more than four."  Mark Richey adds,
    "There may be a subtle reference to Smithers' sexuality.  When I
    was in elementary school, everyone jokingly called JR's `Gay
    Farmers'.  To our elementary school minds, this was the height of 
    humor.  Of course, Smithers, while gay, isn't a farmer, and many
    straight people (including myself) like Jolly Ranchers."

>> The brat pack's route

Jason Hancock says, "The brat pack likely went through Kentucky to get
    to Tennessee because they would have to cross the Mississippi if
    they came directly from Missouri or Arkansas.  So they could have
    started from one of Missouri's border states (most likely Kansas,
    maybe Nebraska or Iowa) into southern Missouri, where they would
    cross the Mississippi at some point to either Kentucky (where there
    is a bridge from Missouri) or Illinois.  (If the latter was the
    case, they would also have to cross the Ohio River at some point
    in southern Illinois.)  I think we can all figure out how Bart
    got to Hong Kong.

>> GM Chrysler

Mark Richey says these are two of the "Big Three" US automakers (Ford
    is the other one).

>> The futures market

Mark Richey says, "This may be a reference to the controversy that
    surrounded First Lady Hillary Clinton when it was revealed that she
    parlayed $1000 into $100,000 on the cattle futures market in a
    month."

>> "The Bridges of Madison County" (hope they come falling down!)

Mark Richey says it's "an insanely popular romantic novel about the
    four day affair between a National Geographic photographer and an
    Iowa housewife.  It was turned into a hit movie last summer
    starring (and directed by) Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep (who got
    her 198457th Oscar nomination for her performance)."  It's a
    joke, guys... it's really her 10th.

>> Andy Williams and "Moon River"

Mark Richey adds (with a correction from M. Petri): "White bread easy 
    listening/pop star who fits in perfectly with Branson.  That's why 
    it was such a shock to find out Nelson worships him (Martin maybe,
    but Nelson?!!?).  Incidentally, the look of pure love on Nelson's
    face was, to tie in another thread that has been running around the
    newsgroup this week, one of the best facial expressions ever on the
    show.  BTW, I would probably have joined Martin and Milhouse in
    slumber at the concert."  "Moon River" is an Oscar winning song
    from "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

>> Knoxville, Tennessee and the World's Fair

Mark Richey says... "A city of about 165,000 in eastern Tennessee.
   Knoxville is the home of the University of Tennessee.  Incidentally,
   Vice President Al Gore is from Tennessee (though I don't think from
   Knoxville)."

M. Petri says in regard to the World's Fair, "I saw the sun sphere.  I
    went to the 1982 World's Fair with my sister.  It was a waste of
    time and money.  About the most notable thing I can remember from
    it was it was the first time I heard of the Korean brand GoldStar.
    They had lots of GoldStar TVs in the Korean pavilion."  Veronica
    Marquez says, "This is in accordance to the AAA tradition of
    assuring you that you will spend a lot of money on your vacation,
    not necessarily enjoying yourself."  More from M. Petri: "As for
    the shoddy condition of the fair grounds... I recall that the
    neighborhood surrounding the fair looked pretty sad and unsafe even
    when the fair was going on."

>> Marlon Brando

Mark Richey says he is "one of the greatest actors in history.  In
    recent years, he's become reclusive, as well as very, very, very,
    very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
    very, very, very, very, very, very fat.  In fact, he pretty much
    puts Homer to shame."  Oh yeah, and he plays Vito Corleone in
    "The Godfather".  Whahavievaduntoyu foyutoteetme wisudirepect?

>> Oak Ridge birthplace of the atomic bomb?

Bob Roberds says, "Oak Ridge can be called birthplace of the atomic
    bomb (that's where uranium separation was done), but a case can
    also be made for Hanford, Washington (plutonium production), and of
    course Los Alamos."

>> Just Who is Langdon Alger?

Benjamin Robinson researches and speculates:

   - Horiato Alger (1832-1899):  The original "rags to riches" guy.
   - Russel Alexander Alger (1836-1907):  Governor (and later Senator
     from) Michigan, and also Secretary of War at the turn of the
     century.
   - Harry Langdon (1884-1944):  Comic actor during the silent movie
     era.
   - John Langdon (1741-1819):  Governor of New Hampshire, and a
     delegate to the U. S. Constitutional Convention.  He was later a
     Senator in the first Senate, and something of a liberal by the
     standards of the day.
   - There's also an architectural firm called Langdon & Wilson.  They
     designed the J. Paul Getty Museum in Malibu.

Robinson continues, "They don't seem too related to one another, or to
    this episode, though.  Perhaps `Langdon Alger' is a puzzle-making
    firm?  Oh, well, it's one of life's mysteries, I suppose."

=======================================================================
> Reviews
=======================================================================

Dale G. Abersold - This seems to be the 7th season equivalent of the
    6th season caper episode, "Lemon of Troy."  I felt this episode was
    superior, however, because of the Homer/Lisa subplot.  Still not
    terrific however: the writers did not seem to be having fun.  Why
    no "Stand By Me" refs?  Best Line--Milhouse: THAT job is taken. 
    Grade:  B-.

Chris Courtois - "Bart on the Road" was one of the weaker episodes
    this season.  Not a *bad* episode, just a bit anemic.  Weak
    premise, weak stories, weak gags. A few good chuckles here and
    there, and a welcome Homer-Lisa subplot, but overall, nothing all
    too memorable. Like Bart's rental car, this one seemed to be on
    cruise control.  C-. 

Anthony Dean - After the weak showings of the last two weeks, the
    humorous episode that is "Bart on the Road".  Seeing Bart try to
    order beer at Moe's was one of the high points of this episode.
    I'd give this episode a B+.

Don Del Grande - B - as opposed to the previous episodes, this one
    started out slowly and then improved at the end; however, the Lisa
    subplot tended to detract from the main story rather than add to
    it.

Jeff Gustafson - IMHO, this was the best episode of the season.  I was
    laughing throughout the entire show.  If the writers keep this
    up, there shouldn't be anymore complaints over the show's quality.
    Grade: A.

Dave Hall - In the words of Raymond Chen, "I laughed, I cried, it
    became a part of me."  [Quote from the 7F19 capsule -ed]  IMHO
    Great episode!  And they even mentioned my city too.  Wow hoo!

Jason Hancock - After last week's debacle, I have to say this episode
    was one of the funniest I have seen in a long time.  Nelson's
    musical taste (Andy Williams?) and the other kids' reactions to it
    had me laughing until my throat was sore.  Even seeing Cletus at
    the DMV made me laugh.  There also was the first good subplot
    since "Bart Sells His Soul" with Lisa and Homer at the plant.  In
    the spirit of baseball's opening day, OFF has hit a home run!
    Grade:  A.

Patrick Hayden - Finally!  An episode that had a subplot that made
    sense, a plot that, while highly unlikely, went somewhere, and a
    way to tie them both together.  It also had a good ending and some
    great one-liners.  The charaterization was strong. (Nelson and
    Andy Williams: Who knew?!).  All-in-all a strong episode.  I give
    it an A- because the first act could have been a little more
    cohesive and a little funnier.  But these past few weeks have
    renewed my faith in the show.  Viva la Simpsons!

Haynes Lee - A well rounded episode involving the entire Simpson family
    (except Granpa). It was a bit of a shame that Bart got away with
    the prank completely.  GRADE: A

Adam Lipkin - Well, overall, a pleasant episode, with two decent well-
    meshed plots.  No really hilarious lines, but there was an air of
    humor over the whole show.  Nelson's expression during the Andy
    Williams concert was the best (And most unexpected) facial
    expression I've ever seen on the show.  Grade: A-

Veronica Marquez - I have serious doubts that a kid weaned on video
    games could drive that safely, but otherwise top-notch.  A.

John Murray - Wow a really good episode, some what of rarity in the
    recent seasons.  It had great lines, with a classic Simpsons plot.
    This coupled with a decent sub-plot, sperate but could have been
    more different, made for a great episode.  Also a lot of the
    predictability in this episode was not there, Lisa who, based on
    her view of nuclear power, when she visited the power plant she
    thought she try bring it down or get on Homer's case about not
    doing his job, but she did what a normal person would do, this was
    great.  Grade: A+

Keith Palmer - "Bart on the Road" blended surreal humour (Bart and
    company's road trip), with entirely adequate characterisation (Lisa
    and Homer bond), into an entertaining whole.  It also had a sharp
    piece of animation, the camera pan around the car.  There were some
    gags that were only pleasant, but they didn't really detract from
    the whole.  Grade:  A

Vasant Ramamurthy - I thought this episode was pretty good.  There were
    no hilarious one-liners, but over all, it was funny.  The funniest
    part might have been Bart talking in Chinese to the Chinese guy.
    I'd give it a solid B.  The ending kinda sucked, though.

Mark Richey - At risk of attacking the flames of those who want the
    show taken off the air immediately because they now think it's even
    worse than "Family Matters", I have to say that I really liked this
    episode.  Not only did it make an outlandish situation seem
    realistic, it also included a very nice Homer-Lisa subplot that we
    all know and love.  This episode made Homer seem like a real person,
    rather then simply the moronic idiot he's been in some recent
    episodes (I especially liked his reaction to Lisa's news about
    Bart).  The Bart plot was chock-full of laughs.  All in all, a very
    good episode.  Grade: A-

Benjamin Robinson - The premise was a stretch, but who cares when
    you're laughing this much?  Numerous funny scenes make "Bart on the
    Road" a terrific episode.  The "bonding" scenes with Homer and Lisa
    were nice, and Appel wove the two subplots together with laudable
    efficiency.  Don't miss the ending -- it's one of the funniest in
    the show's history.  (A)

Dan Ryazansky - I thought this was an excellent episode, much better
    than I expected when I first saw the description.  Has everyone
    noticed that Homer has grown much closer to Lisa lately ("Lisa the
    Iconoclast" as the other example).  Tennessee-bashing was excellent
    too, as was the wig shop.  And we actually heard Maggie make
    noises (no words, though)!  Very very very very good episode.  A-

Jim Smith - This episode was absolutely the best so far in 1996.  I
    thought that the last few were great but this one was better on all
    accounts.  Some of the jokes even reminded me of the biting
    cleverness of the first couple of seasons (which I might add was
    the only salvageable component from those episodes-there certainly
    was no good jokes!).  The plot was resolved effectively, etc.
    Everything was there.  It was everywhere you wanna be! ... Anyway,
    this gets a big fat A+ in my book.

Yours Truly - An A-.  Good showing.  Somewhat surprised at Bart's
    driving ability, though the road trip didn't seem to have any
    point.  Some of the best animation was featured in this episode
    (short of "Three Men and a Comic Book"), and the postscript was
    pretty good.  The subplot went nowhere, however; expected Lisa to
    do _something_ monumental (though the father-daughter bonding was
    nice).

AVERAGE GRADE: B+/A- (3.56)

=======================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr}
=======================================================================
% It's springtime, and everyone's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of
% Spring Break.  Principal Skinner is no exception.

Ah, Spring Break in Hong Kong; custom-made suits at slave labor prices.  
-- Principal Skinner, "Bart on the Road"

% But the airline apparently screwed up... they tacked on an aisle
% seat, a kosher meal, and changed the time from Saturday to Friday
% morning.  He calls the airline company, but the time change will cost
% $7830.  "G.M. Chrysler, I can't afford that!" he yells.  But thinks
% of a plan to close school early...

   Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day.
	 Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of
	 fractions and gym to real-world situations.
-- Well, with the computers and all, "Bart on the Road"

% Bart decides to apply his fraction and gym know-how to the task of
% watching television.

Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch mom
      work.
Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace,
      Lis.  I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.
-- All the benefits you need, "Bart on the Road"

Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad.  You've
       been interested in nuclear power for years.
 Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
Marge: Well, there you go.
-- "Bart on the Road"

 Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV.  If you need something to do, you
       can fill out my form -- here.  [hands Marge the form]
Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not
       allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid
       for it ... ohhh.
-- Nothing like being appreciated at work, "Bart on the Road"

% Lisa suggests that Bart take her place, but Marge points out that
% he wanted to see women in the workplace, so Lisa deviously suggests
% the DMV with the Gruesome Twosome.  Bart is shocked by this.
%
% The DMV proves to be as bad as Bart had feared.

Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those weekdays.  [the gruesome twosome laugh]
Patty: Good one.
-- In the weekends we're closed, "Bart on the Road"

% At that moment, Mr. Van Houten is taking his son on a tour of the
% factory.  Its array of equipment -- atomic dough maker, robot
% stirrers, and other gadgetry -- would make Willie Wonka jealous.
% Milhouse is duly impressed.  He discovers how crackers get salted
% (in a ridiculous fashion, too).
%
% Lisa discovers that atomic power isn't quite as thrilling as cracker
% production.

Homer: Donut?
 Lisa: No, thanks.  Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff
       inside.  Purple is a fruit.
-- Mmm, purple, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: Oh!  This is a map of nuclear sites around the country.  As a
       safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these
       light bulbs.
 Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
Homer: 'Cause they won't hire me an assistant.
-- I'm already overworked as the safety whatchamajigger, 
     "Bart on the Road"

% Martin's dad shows his son what he does for a living, being a
% stockbroker.  Martin makes a million on soy futures but loses it all
% but $600.
%
% At the power plant, things just drag on.

I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.
-- Homer (a little metahumor for y'all), "Bart on the Road"

 Lisa: Maybe we can make your job more fun.
	[points to two radiation suits hanging on the wall] 
       What are those?
Homer: I dunno.
-- How the devil should I know, I just work here, "Bart on the Road"

% Homer and Lisa decide to play astronaut, using the radiation suit to
% augment their wardrobe.  Lisa and Homer play "Homer 13" on the swivel
% chairs.

Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person.
-- Homer J. Simpson at work, "Bart on the Road"

% Back at the DMV, Selma takes Cletus' driver's license picture.  A
% nearby machine reproduces the photo, along with some identifying
% information.  Selma grabs the new license off the device.

I just gotta go laminate your license; you'll get it in two to three
weeks.
-- Quick service at the DMV, "Bart on the Road"

% Bart goes to shut off the machine, but then gets an idea.  He takes
% a moment to straighten his hair, sits in front of the camera, and
% takes his photo.  In a few seconds, Bart realizes one of his long-
% term goals:  He has a fake ID.
%
% Bart shows his new ID to Nelson and Milhouse.

Milhouse: Twenty-five years old?  You're not twenty-five years old.
	  This ID is completely fake!
    Bart: Yes, you're right Milhouse.  [takes ID back] It is a fake,
	  which makes it a fake ID.
Milhouse: A fake ID?  Cool!
-- Well, duh, "Bart on the Road"

% "And it's our ticket to the best spring break of our lives!", Bart
% announces.  And it begins with a ticket to an R-rated movie --
% "Naked Lunch".

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
-- Nelson after watching "Naked Lunch", "Bart on the Road"

% The boys stop by Moe's tavern.  Moe checks Bart's license, and after
% discovering that he's 25, allows the boys to purchase beers.  But a
% quick peek at the tavern drunks makes them reconsider.  The threesome
% head out.

% After leaving the bar, they ponder their next move outside.

Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak!  Yeah!
	  [pause, then quiet] Well, when _are_ we going to get rowdy?
Bart:     Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
Nelson:   We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
-- Bart and his fake ID, "Bart on the Road"

% Martin and his mechanical dog Flipsy come up, and Martin shares the
% fact that he won $600 at the stock market.  Bart doesn't see the
% point at first, but quickly catches on.
%
% Bart, Milhouse, Nelson and Martin hit the streets in a rented white
% Crown Victoria.

 Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy!  You and I are going on
	 a road trip.
	  [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window]
	  [Flipsy gets run over by a car]
Nelson:   HA-ha!
-- Well, maybe just I, then, "Bart on the Road"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 6'06"] 

% Bart puts "Operation: Spring Break" into effect.  He gives out
% envelopes containing alibis for a one-week road trip.

    Bart: [handing out envelopes] Gentlemen, for our road trip I have
	  taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly
	  plausible alibi for use on our parents.
	   [Milhouse at home...]
Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national
	  grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
	   [Martin at home...]
Martin:   I've been selected to represent the school at the national
	  grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
	   [Nelson at home...]
Nelson:   [leaving his house] I'm goin' away for a week.  See ya!
-- Well, not plausible for Nelson, "Bart on the Road"          

% ...and finally, Bart.

Marge: The national grammar rodeo?  I wish I were going.  Oh, wait,
       wait; I wish I _was_ going.  Is that right, Bart?
 Bart: I dunno.
 Lisa: It's not fair.  I'm the best student in school, how come I
       never heard about this competition?
 Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
 Lisa: That's not Latin.  [to Marge] Mom, Bart's faking it.
Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory.  Now it's Bart's turn.
-- Bart's alibi for the road trip, "Bart on the Road"

% Aerial shot of Bart's car riding down a highway, flanked by tall
% cornfields on each side.  The camera circles around the car as the
% radio plays "Radar Love."  Milhouse eagerly plays with the fader and
% balance knobs on the radio, which does odd things with the sound.

	   [Milhouse fiddles with knobs before getting a whap in the
	  head from Nelson]
Milhouse: Ow!  Bart, Nelson hit me.
Bart:     He sure did.
-- And it was a good one at that, "Bart on the Road"

A cup holder!  Bart, we've got to stop and get a cup!
-- Milhouse discovers the glove compartment, "Bart on the Road"

% Milhouse sees the driver's seat empty.  "Bart?"  Bart visits his
% chums at the back, thanks to cruise control and a hideous urban
% legend.  But the car drives through a cornfield before the foursome
% know it.
%
% Meanwhile, back at the power plant, Homer gets around to changing
% the light bulbs in his map.  He is bored to the core, but gets an
% idea on a glance at the radiation suit.

% The phone rings at the Simpson house.

Marge: [answering phone] Hello?  Oh, Homey, hello!  I can't remember
       the last time you called me from wor-- oh, you want to speak
       with Lisa.
	[Lisa picks up the phone]
Homer: Hi Lisa, how's your spring break going?
 Lisa: I'm learning about owls.
Homer: Oh, owls, eh?  So you probably wouldn't want to spend another
       day at work with me.
 Lisa: Sure I would.  I can always learn about owls this summer at
       bird camp.
-- Unless they break out and go mad, "Bart on the Road"

% Bart's car rejoins the road after its short tour of America's
% cornfields.

  Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh!  We've arrived in
	  the vast cornfields of Canada.  How much further to the
	  grammar rodeo?
  Nelson: Grammar rodeo?  We're going to a grammar rodeo?
    Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo.  That was just an
	  alibi, Milton.
Milhouse: [whispers] Martin.
    Bart: Martin.
-- Whoopsy-doodle, "Bart on the Road"

% "Where _are_ we going?", Martin asks.  Bart quickly pulls over.

Well, I realize it's trite, but we could tour the bridges of Madison
County.
-- Martin's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

Hey, who has better vacation ideas than AAA?
 [reading a guidebook]
According to the publisher of this AAA guidebook, no one.
-- Milhouse's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia.
-- Nelson's road trip plans, "Bart on the Road"

Milhouse: Wait!  How about a fair?  Not just a county fair, not just a
	  Europe fair, but a World's fair -- the World's Fair in
	  Knoxville, Tennessee.
    Bart: Keep reading.
Milhouse: The Hungarians have built a giant motorized Rubik's cube, and
	  the fair's symbol is the SunSphere, which sits atop a 266-
	  foot tall steel shaft.
    Bart: What's inside?
Milhouse: An information desk.
   B+N+M:  Cooool!
-- After all, we do live in the information age, "Bart on the Road"

% "It's a choice between Disneyworld and Knoxville," Bart notes.  But
% of course, the foursome is hyped up for Knoxville.  And off they go in
% a cloud of dust!
%
% Lisa arrives at the plant.

Homer: You made it!  You have any trouble getting past the security
       guards?
 Lisa: Security guards?
-- At the nuclear power plant, "Bart on the Road"

% Homer and Lisa get lunch, courtesy of one of SNPP's vending machines.

The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a
year, it's up for grabs.
-- Homer and his rules, "Bart on the Road"

% Lisa sticks it to the man, and Homer shakes it.  Success!   A heap of
% year-old candy falls to their feet.  They are caught by Smithers,
% however.

Smithers: [walks up] Simpson!  What in God's name are you--
    Lisa: [offers Smithers some candy] Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers?
	  Razzles?  Skittles?  Whachamacallit?  Twizzlers?
   Homer: They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
Smithers: Well I am partial to Jolly Ranchers. 
	   [takes one and eats it]
	  Good work, Simpson.
	   [walks a few steps, then looks back]
	  Simpsons.  [walks off]
-- The hilariouser the name, the deliciouser the candy,
     "Bart on the Road"

% On the road, we meet a man traveling in a station wagon with his
% family.  He has had about all he can take from his rowdy kids.
% "If you kids can't keep your hands to yourselves," he yells, "I'm
% gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for
% anybody!"  The kids instantly quiet down, but Bart's car travels by,
% and Nelson, seeing that the window is open, slaps the man on the
% head.  "That's it!" he yells.  "Back to Winnipeg!"  And makes good
% his so-called idle threat.  Bart turns out to be a more accommodating
% driver than the man from Winnipeg.

    Martin: Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
      Bart: Yes.
	     [a little later, the boys all have cones]
    Nelson: Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station?
      Bart: Yeah.
	     [a little later]
  Milhouse: Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker?
      Bart: I don't see why not.
	     [a little later, a disheveled hitchhiker rides between
	    Martin and Nelson]
Hitchhiker: Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
      Bart: Yes.
	     [a little later, they all have cones again]
Hitchhiker: Well, I don't think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they
	    needed the extra bed.
-- No orange shoes, I hope, "Bart on the Road"

% That night at home, Marge gets things ready for Lisa's overnight
% stay at the plant.  She packs clothes for her.

Marge: With Bart gone and now you with your father, I'm not going to
       have anyone to --
 Lisa: [75 RPM] Thanks mom, bye!
	[runs out the door]
Marge: -- talk to.
-- Marge the empty-nester, "Bart on the Road"

% The gang rolls into America's most family-friendly town.  (Well,
% assuming your family is white, Christian, and doesn't like listening
% to music recorded after 1952.)

Nelson: What is this place?
Bart:   Branson, Missouri.  My dad says it's like Vegas -- if it were
	run by Ned Flanders.
Nelson: [sees a sign extolling the virtues of an Andy Williams
	 concert]
	Andy Williams!
  Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here.
Nelson: Yes we do.  [punches Bart in the back of the head]
-- Point well taken, "Bart on the Road"

% Mr. Williams' vocal stylings have a varied effect on the boys.
% Bart, Martin, and Milhouse are fast asleep.  Nelson, however, is
% enthralled.

Andy Williams: [singing off-camera]
	       ...my huckleberry friend
	       Moon river, and me.
	       [audience applauds]
       Nelson: I didn't think he'd do "Moon River," but then -- bam! --
	       second encore!
-- Nelson and Williams - who knew?, "Bart on the Road"

% Homer and Lisa gather around a roaring fire of technical manuals,
% and play a classic sleepover game.

 Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare.  You go first.
Homer: Ehh, truth.  Ask me anything.
 Lisa: Who do you love most:  me, Bart, or Maggie?
Homer: D'oh!  All right, dare.
-- Didn't we settle this at the hockey game?, "Bart on the Road"

% Cut to Homer on the phone.

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
  Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What?  How dare you?  If I find out who this is, I'll staple a
       flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.  [hangs up]
-- The shoe is on the other foot, eh?, "Bart on the Road"

Homer: ... Your turn.
 Lisa: Hmm, truth.
Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
 Lisa: Dad!
Homer: I , oh, I won't tell anybody.
 Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything.  Even Moe knew when I
       threw up on the dentist.
-- Way to get Marge pregnant, "Bart on the Road"

 Lisa: Okay.  I like... Langdon Alger.
Homer: I have no idea who that is.
-- Homer and Lisa play `Truth or Dare', "Bart on the Road"

% "Nobody does," Lisa confesses.  "He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles."
% But Lisa warns Homer not to tell anyone, but Homer's forgotten his
% name already.  Lisa says, "This is the best spring break ever!"
%
% Not for Marge it isn't.  She sits alone, watching late-night TV.

... and with my patented seminar, you will learn to corner the real
estate market through hypnosis.  Why waste your hypnotic powers on
neighbors and coworkers when...
-- I Can't Believe They Hypnotized Me, "Bart on the Road"

% Marge can stands no more and forlornly looks into Lisa's room, and
% then Bart's.  Finally, she walks into Maggie's room.  The baby is
% fast asleep.  Marge quietly coughs twice.  Maggie doesn't notice, so
% Marge gently pokes her.  Maggie stays asleep.  Marge pokes again, a
% little more forcefully, which wakes Maggie.  She objects to this rude
% awakening -- loudly.  Marge comforts Maggie, and comforts herself by
% this.
%
% The next day, the boys reach the Tennessee border.  "Next stop, the
% Knoxville World's Fair", Milhouse says, "and its fabulous SunSphere."
% Soon, the SunSphere looms over the horizon.  At last, our heroes
% have arrived.  The boys fan out over the fairgrounds, which look like
% they have seen better days.  Unfortunately, the place is a wreck, and
% any sign of a Fair is nowhere to be seen.  Seeing a wig store nearby,
% Bart talks to the man out front.  "Is this the World's Fair visitors
% center?"  Unfortunately, the foursome have fallen prey to the
% outdated AAA guidebook -- 14 years outdated, in fact.  They also
% discover that the Sunsphere is now the Wigsphere.  Then the man
% asks if the boys are gonna buy some wigs...
%
% The boys -- newly be-wigged -- sit at the curb to consider recent
% events.  Bart takes solace in the fact that they still have the car
% and the wad of cash, but Martin spent the last ten dollars on a
% talking Al Gore doll.  ("You are hearing me talk...")  Nelson,
% angrily, throws a rock at the Sunsphere, which topples, and crushes
% their car.

    Bart: We got no car!
  Martin: We got no money!
Milhouse: And no one knows we're here!
 B+Ma+Mi: We're stranded!
  Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the SunSphere.
	   [camera cuts back to wider angle]
	   HA-ha.
-- ...and crushed a new car, too!  "Bart on the Road"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 15'54"]
%
% With their car as flat as their wallets, the boys go to plan B.  The
% first step:  figuring out what plan B is.  Nelson wishes they'd gone
% to Macon, Georgia, but Bart has other plans.

% The boys try to get some spending money at a pawn shop.

	     [at a pawn shop, Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses]
  Milhouse: Hey!  I need those to see.
Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect!  Now I can re-bottom those
	    antique Coke bottles.
	     [opens the cash register, and begins counting out some
	    money]
	    Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred...
  Milhouse: Hey!  Come back!  hey! 
	     [crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles]
	    Ow.
Pawnbroker: [putting money back] ...five hundred, four hundred, three
	    hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
-- Stranded in Tennessee with no money or glasses, "Bart on the Road"

% Time for Plan C -- hop an outbound freight train headed for that
% helluva town, Springfield.  The guys throw their bags in an open
% boxcar.  Just as they are about to hop on, the train speeds up and
% heads to Springfield without them.  Nelson is a little more
% persistent and continues running after the train.  He rejoins the
% group after he realizes he can't catch it.
%
% At home, Marge answers another phone call.  She's happy that Bart
% is calling her, but he wants to speak to Lisa.  Bart 'fesses up and
% tells Lisa of their plight.  Lisa has several suggestions.

       [on phone with Bart]
Lisa: Hmmm -- you could travel for free if you were a stewardess.
       [pause]
      Well, how badly do you want to get home?  All right, all right,
      how about a courier, they travel for free, too.
       [pause]
      No, that's a terrier.  They're dogs.
-- Ruff ruff, anyone order a Bart dog?, "Bart on the Road"

% Bart decides to go with the courier idea.

Well, you sure don't look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state
driver's license is proof enough for me.
-- Dispatcher at a courier service to Bart, "Bart on the Road"

% Bart's first assignment takes him to exotic Hong Kong.  He hauls a
% cooler labeled "HUMAN EYES" off the plane, and brings it to a man in
% a white lab coat.  They respond to each other in Chinese.  Skinner,
% still on his spring break, spots them.
%
% Back in Knoxville, things aren't working as planned.  Milhouse wants
% to call their parents, but Bart calls Lisa instead and tells her that
% he needs to courier something large to Springfield, but something
% like that is out of the Simpson's price range.  The dispatcher gives
% Bart a job couriering 5,000 Big Macs to Marlon Brando, and Bart
% says "I can't take much more of this.  I'm counting on you, Lise."
% And hangs up.  That night, Lisa gets little sleep over her concern
% for her brother.  Her preoccupation prevents her from enjoying
% another day with Homer.  Even a little chair-spinning doesn't pick
% her up.

Homer: What's wrong, honey?
 Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can
       tell you because it's a secret.
Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each
       other with our secrets now.  I mean, I haven't told a soul
       about your boyfriend.
 Lisa: Langdon Alger?  Oh, I don't like him anymore.  
-- I was frustrated by his puzzledom, "Bart on the Road"

 Lisa: Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone,
       especially Bart.
Homer: I promise.
 Lisa: [Jenna von Oy-esque] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's
       license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a week out in
       Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and
       they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just
       came back from Hong Kong!
Homer: [face reddens, then returns to normal]  Yes, that's a real
       pickle.  Could you excuse me for a moment?
	[puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice]
	[yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up]  
-- I promised I _would_ get mad, "Bart on the Road"          

Homer: All right, I have thought this through.  I will send Bart the
       money to fly home, then I will murder him.
 Lisa: No, no!  Then he'll know I told.  
-- Someone took a bite out of the Rice Krispie square,
     "Bart on the Road"

% Homer calms down further and asks Lisa for the location of Knoxville.
% "It's in Tennessee", she says, further elaborating that it's next to
% the birthplace of the atomic bomb, Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility.  They
% deduce that Homer could order something from Oak Ridge and get Bart
% to courier it.  Homer calls Oak Ridge and orders his own workstation,
% a T-437 Safety Command Console.  The technician checks his computer
% to see that it's operational, but Homer ends this by pouring Buzz
% Cola all over it.  The technician overly exaggerates his concern.
% Homer sends it care of Langdon Alger.
%
% Bart accompanies his friends home.  They aren't enjoying the trip as
% much as he is.  Milhouse could use another air hole, but Bart hushes
% him.  "They'll know you're in there", he tells Milhouse.  The camera
% pulls back to reveal that Bart and the crate are the only things in
% the plane's cargo hold.  Bart turns another page in his comic, and
% laughs.
%
% Safe at home, Bart makes up an excuse about not returning to the
% grammar rodeo next year.  Homer and Lisa are understandably ticked,
% but sweet, naive Marge is ever-smiling.
%
% Mr. and Mrs. Simpson retire for the day.  Before they can go to bed,
% the phone rings.

Marge: [answering] Hello?  Oh hello, Principal Skinner.  No, Bart
       has never been to Hong Kong.  Good night.
	[hangs up]
	[the phone rings again]
       [answering] Hello?  Tennessee State Police?  No, my son's car
       was not crushed in Knoxville.  I don't know where to begin
       telling you what's wrong with that.
	[hangs up]  
	[the phone rings again]
       [answering] Hello?  No, Bart is not available tomorrow to
       deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam.
	[Homer, who has dived under the covers, snorts]
       Homer, are you laughing at me?
-- Postscript to "Bart on the Road"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21'43"]

=======================================================================
> Contributions
=======================================================================

{dga} - Dale G. Abersold 
{jac} - James Cherry 
 {ad} - Anthony Dean
{ddg} - Don Del Grande 
 {jh} - Jason Hancock
 {sp} - Serge Polishchuk
 {jl} - Jose Lafaurie
 {hl} - Haynes Lee
 {vm} - Veronica Marquez
 {vr} - Vasant Ramamurthy
{mar} - Mark Richey
 {br} - Bob Roberds
{bjr} - Benjamin Robinson
 {pw} - Penny Wise

=======================================================================
> Legal crud
=======================================================================
The above compilation of observations, quote summaries, statistics, and
other miscellaneous information copyright 1996 Chips-Fey Productions.
Not to be used in a public forum without explicit permission from the
author (Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.) or his brother Jose Lafaurie.

Any quoted material above remains property of the original authors;
mainly, quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The
Simpsons, and copyright to Twentieth Century Fox.  The compilation is
copyrighted to Benjamin Jay Robinson.  So don't sue.

Special Thanks to Sabraj Nijjar for saving my butt by volunteering
computer use during that hellish Spring Break.

Bonus points if you found the "Calvin and Hobbes" reference in this
capsule.