A Fish Called Selma                               Written by Jack Barth
					      Directed by Mark Kirkland
=======================================================================
Production Code: 3F15               Original Airdate in N.A.: 24-Mar-96
					  Capsule revision B, 28-May-96
=======================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis {sp}
=======================================================================

    A dinner date for Selma and Troy McClure leads to more after the
    actor's agent (voice of Jeff Goldblum) reports that being seen in
    public with a woman is a career boost.

=======================================================================
> Opening Sequence
=======================================================================

>> COUCH SCENE

      Little wind-up toy versions of the doll scoot to the couch,
      however, Homer falls backward, Lisa has short-circuted and hops,
      Maggie flips around, and Marge's mouth hangs open.

	(Recycled from 3F05.)

=======================================================================
> Did you notice...
=======================================================================
   ... you can see the little rods and strings pulling the Muppets in
       the film?
   ... Troy drives a Delorean?
   ... the Fox Theater in Capital City is closed?
   ... Selma still carries Terwilliger as one of her last names? (cf.
       8F20)
   ... Buster Keaton's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is replaced
       by Troy's? 

Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.:
   ... Bart never makes it to the couch; he just goes around in circles
       after reaching the edge of the couch?
   ... "Muppets Go Medieval" is a 1977 film?
   ... Troy's immensely wrinkled-up face while "fighting" Kermit?
   ... during the "fight", someone (presumably the Kermit operator)
       yells "Ow, watch it!"?
   ... during the "fight" Kermit says "parry"?
   ... in "Leper in the Backfield" Troy's number is 11?

Haynes Lee:
   ... those conspicuous black rods in the muppet movie?
   ... the boarded up windows outside Troy's house?
   ... lava lamps in Troy's house?

John Murray:
   ... Lisa has never heard of the Muppets (and Homer can't describe
       them)?
   ... "The Muppets Go Medieval" from 1977 is Troy's latest movie?
   ... Troy's new movie looks like a cheesy '70s movie (but what's new
       for Troy)?
   ... we never learn of Troy's bizarre sexual disorder, and what
       exactly it has to do with fish?
   ... Troy has an aquarium in his bedroom?
   ... Selma thinks Troy's house is modern, even though it looks to be
       from the '70s (again, surprise)?
   ... Lisa remembers Troy from filmstrips (education, with the same
       great titles of Troy's other educational films)?

Chris Lehr:
   ... Bart thought Troy was made of leather?
   ... Troy's picture was used for a doggie door?
   ... Troy and Selma built a snowman in a Newport, ALIVE with pleasure
       ad?

Damian Penny:
   ... Troy's car has a "Follow Me to the Springfield Aquarium" bumper
       sticker?
   ... McClure's vision correction glasses are the same kind Bart once
       had to wear in 1F07?
   ... Kent Brockman is a guest at Troy and Selma's wedding?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... in "The Muppets Go Medieval," Kermit calls Camelot, "Hamelot?"
   ... the VW Bus in the UGLI parking lot?  (it's three cars to Selma's
       left, in the lower right-hand side of the screen)
   ... when Homer swallows the bride and groom figurines, they make a
       big lump in his throat?
   ... we hear a little splash from inside Homer when he succeeds in
       swallowing the figurines?

Rick Senger:
   ... Marge was attracted to Troy McClure back in the seventies when
       he was "quite the teen heart-throb"?
   ... Chief Wiggum hasn't heard of Troy McClure or his movies?
   ... Grampa mistakes both Patty and Selma for Marge?
   ... Selma looks the same to Troy McClure without glasses as she did
       to Bart wearing Beer Goggles in "Selma's Choice"?
   ... Troy McClure is has a limited class 4 driver's license?
   ... Barry White and Liz Taylor had their celebrity photos TWICE on
       the wall at Pimento Grove (they have each been on the show
       TWICE)?
   ... Troy McClure smokes Churchill (extra large) cigars?
   ... Troy's romantic dialogue/proposal to Selma is straight out of
       his dialogue to Miss Piggy in the corresponding drive-in movie?
   ... when Troy goes to kiss Selma, he sprays breath spray in HER
       mouth?
   ... Bart, Homer, Marge, Lisa and Maggie have almost NO scenes/
       dialogue in the entire show?
   ... Selma wears light purple lipstick on her wedding night?

Mark Richey:
   ... the dog running in front of Troy's car?
   ... Dr. Hibbert in the DMV?
   ... Elizabeth Taylor's photo was unsigned?
   ... Rainier Wolfcastle signed his pictue "McBain"?
   ... the "Page One" photo was actually on page 10?
   ... "Look Who's Drunk!" was McBain?
   ... Troy was repairing a beanbag?
   ... the breakdancing ape?
   ... the audience actually liked "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want
       to Get Off"?
   ... Homer called Selma a guy?
   ... Rev. Lovejoy says "Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier" and "The
       Fabulous Troy McClure"?
   ... Marge's (and I guess everybody else's) eyes glow in the dark?

Veronica Marquez:
   ... Piggy accepts Troy's advances?
   ... Troy, the guy on ET, Selma, and Lisa use the "You may remember
       me" line?
   ... Troy carries his corrective lenses with him?
   ... Troy mispronounces Bouvier?
   ... Troy's agent has a small brush of hair on his chin?
   ... the name of the second date place is UGLI?
   ... Ugli serves contemporary California cuisine?
   ... Lori forces a laugh?
   ... Troy claims to be one of the first actors to speak out against
       horseplay?
   ... Bart whistling at the end of the musical?
   ... this is Selma's second marriage?
   ... Troy still spent the majority of this episode smiling?

Jason Hancock:
   ... "The Muppets Go Medieval" would be the first Muppets movie if
       it was released in 1977? ("The Muppet Movie" was released in
       1979.)
   ... Troy McClure looks virtually the same in 1996 as he did in
       1977, despite aging 19 years?
   ... McBain has black hair in one of his restaurant photos?
   ... many of the pictures in the Pimento Grove restaurant are of 
       celebrities who have appeared on the Simpsons before (see
       below)?
   ... Troy and Selma are the Route 18 Drive-In's last customers?
   ... Homer's brain hums "Rock and Roll Part Two" at the wedding (see 
       below)?
   ... apparently Rev. Lovejoy dislikes saying "You may now kiss the
       bride," as he substitutes "You may now kiss each other" instead?
   ... the message on the back of Troy's DeLorean is "JUST MARRED?"

Don Del Grande:
   ... Selma wears a lot of lipstick in this episode?  (Is this the
       first time Selma - or Patty, for that matter - wears lipstick?)
   ... Kermit looks blue?
   ... Marge's eyes snap shut, rather than close, when Homer tells her
       to close her eyes?
   ... Selma has a mole on her right cheek that first appears when
       she's talking to Marge and Patty after the wedding, but
       disappears when she's at the Troy McClure Day celebration?
   ... Maggie wasn't in her dress at the wedding?
   ... apparently, neither Lisa nor Maggie was involved in this
       wedding, unlike Selma's first wedding?
   ... Marge has an old-style (round analog, with bells on the top)
       alarm clock on her side of the bed, instead of Homer's digital
       clock on his side?
   ... Maggie is wearing a bathing suit?  (Even at Mt. Splashmore in
       the pool, she wore her baggie)
   ... Selma's a phone-cord twiddler?  (Join the club...)
   ... the first date makes page 10 of the Springfield Shopper, but the
       wedding makes page 1?

=======================================================================
> Cast
=======================================================================

>> Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Miss Piggy, Homer, Abe, Louie)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma, Patty)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Kermit, Chief Wiggum, Carl, waiter, man on ET spoof,
     Dr. Zaius)
   - Harry Shearer (Hibbert, reporter, Lenny, "I ordered Zima",
     Travolta monkey)

>> Special Guest Voice
   - Jeff Goldblum (MacArthur Parker)
   - Phil Hartman (Troy McClure, Fat Tony)

>> Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Lori, nurse monkey)

=======================================================================
> Movie, Music, and other References
=======================================================================
	
+ "A Fish Called Wanda" (the film that made Jamie Lee Curtis famous)
    - episode title
  Richard Gere
    - see below
~ "Pulp Fiction"
    - "go medieval" is a phrase popularized by this film
  "Back to the Future" {dp}
    - driver's eye view from the DeLorean
+ "Body Double" {hl}
    - the set of Troy's bedroom is out of this voyeuristic movie
+ "MacArthur Park" (Jimmy Webb) {bs} {kab}
    - name of Troy's agent, MacArthur Parker, similar
+ Colonel Tom Parker, Elvis Presley's agent {kab}
    - MacArthur Parker's name is also similar to him
+ Visa {bjr}
    - the card's ad slogan, "It's everywhere you want to be," is echoed
      by McClure when he refers to Jub Jub
  Mystery Science Theater 3000 {bjr}
    - the phrase, "in the not-too-distant future," is from the opening
      theme music to this show
+ "Planet of the Apes"
    - well, duh
+ "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco
    - "The Dr. Zaius Song" is a shameless parody of this hit dance song
+ "Saturday Night Fever"
    - the Travolta monkey pulling the trademark SNF pose (hand pointed
      in air)
+ "Spartacus" {vm}
    - Heston-esque guy saying "I love you Dr. Zaius!" (Spartacus)
    - spoofed twice in Gracie-produced show "The Critic", I believe
+ "Rock 'N Roll Part Two" by Gary Glitter {my}
    - the "Na na Hey!" song playing in Homer's head
+ Marilyn Monroe {hl}
    - Selma dresses up like her, i.e. the black tights, headscarf,
      cigarette holder, sunglasses, bathing suit, beauty mark, and
      her sleeves rolled up like your average starlet
+ Disney Land commercials {bjr}
    - these feature people triumphantly shouting, "I'm going to Disney
      Land!"  (cf. Troy shouting, "I'm going to Sea World!")
+ The Iliad of Homer (Helen of Troy) {bjr}
    - Troy's proposed fragrance name, "Smellin' of Troy," similar
  "Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (?)
  (also speculated to be a Terry Gilliam reference)
    - Troy's new movie title poster similar

=======================================================================
> Freeze Frame Fun
=======================================================================

>> Pictures of celebrities we see... {bjr} 

    ... as Selma says, "I just know a big star...."

       Kent Brockman
       Krusty the Clown
       Liz Taylor
       Ranier Wolfcastle (a.k.a. McBain)
       Bette Midler

   ... as Troy says, "I'm over there" 
   
       we can see a photo of Leonard Nimoy.

   ... as the camera pans to Troy's photo: 
   
       we can see several groups of eight pictures each.

     First group:

     Adam West      | Dennis Franz | Liz Taylor | Barry White
     Joyce Brothers | Brad Goodman | Sting      | David Crosby

     Second group:

     Ringo Starr in the upper right, and Ranier Wolfcastle in the lower
     right.  This looks like an old photo, as his hair is a darker
     color than it is today.  I can't identify the rest.

     Third group:

     That's Bette Midler, in the lower right.  The rest?  Who knows?

     Fourth group:

     Tito Puente in the upper right.

     Fifth group:

     Ranier Wolfcastle again, this time in the lower left.  This photo
     looks more recent.

     Sixth group:

     Total washout -- I couldn't identify anyone at all.

     Seventh group:

     David Crosby in the lower left.

     Eighth group:

     Barry White     |       ?       |       ?       |       ?
     Brooke Shields  | Dennis Franz? | Conan O'Brien | Birch Barlow

>> Page Ten on Springfield Shopper

   TROY
   A LITTLE
   TENDERNESS


	       LOOK WHO'S DRUNK

>> The book Troy is reading {bjr}

     Bean-
     Bag
     Furniture
     Repair

>> Sign {vm}

   Representation

     A talent agency

>> Movie Theater

    ROUTE 18 FLEA-MARKET
       AND DRIVE-IN
    --------------------
    MupPETS go MeiDeVal

 SaT: CLOsed For DEmoliTion

>> Sign

    SPRINGFIELD BOTANICAL
	   GARDENS
   =======================

   McCLURE-BOUVIER WEDDING

>> At the wedding {various}

     Shawna Tiften
     Apu Nahassapeemapetilon 
     Diamond Joe Quimby
     Krusty the Clown
     Arnie Pye
     Mr. Teeny
     MacArthur Parker
     Homer J. Simpson
     Marge Simpson
     Bart Simpson
     Lisa Simpson
     Maggie Simpson
     Jacqueline Bouvier
     Patty Bouvier

>> Aphrodite Inn

      A P H R O D I T E
	    I N N

	  WELCOME
  MR. & MRS. TROY McCLURE

  CHER AND CONTEST WINNER

>> Newspaper MacArthur reads

   TROY WEDS

>> Variety

   McCLURE ANKLES OBSCURITY

>> Technical Credits (if you care) {vm}

    Overseas Animation: Rough Draft (Chang, Myung Kim) {ddg}
    Assistant Director: Matthew Nastuk
    Animation Timer: Milton Gray
    Storyboard: Chris Moeller, John Rice, Celia Kendrick
    Character Design Supervisor: Scott Alberts
    Character Design: Dale Hendrickson, Joseph Wack, Mark Howard,
      Matt Groening, Sam Simon
    Background Design Supervisor: Lance Wilder
    Background Design: John Krause, Maria Marrioti-Wilder, Edgar
      Duncan

=======================================================================
> Previous Episode References
=======================================================================
- The Celebrity Photo Wall: {hl}
  - 7F18: Ringo Starr
  - 8F11: Sting
  - 9F07: Adam West
  - 9F10: Leonard "Spock" Nimoy
  - 9F15: Dr. Joyce Brothers
  - 9F16: Brooke Shields
  - 9F18,9F19: Barry White {dp}
  - 9F19: Bette Midler
  - 9F19: Elizabeth Taylor
  - 9F20: David Crosby
  - 1F05: Brad Goodman
  - 1F11: Conan O'Brien
  - 2F02: Birch Barlowe
  - 2F06: Dennis Franz
  - 2F16,2F20: Tito Puente
  - 2F17: Prince
  - 3F03: Paul McCartney
- [7F11], [3F07] Postscripts during the credits {vm}
- [7F15], [8F20], [9F11], [SC#2] Selma seeks to improve her love life
- [7F16] Kids play in rich (soon-to-be) relative's pool {vm}
- [7F20], [9F06], [1F20] Homer gets drunk {vm}
- [8F03], [2F12] Fat Tony and his boys appear
- [8F17] Homer: "Down in front!"
- [8F20] Selma marries (plus her marriage is mentioned in the wedding)
- [9F11] Hans Moleman (Troy) reads symbols off an all-letter eye chart
- [9F11], [9F14] Jub-Jub appears
- [9F11] A character with impaired vision sees Selma differently (cf. 
  Bart in 9F11)
- [9F19], [2F17] Variety magazine appears {jh}
- [1F03] Fresca is referenced {jh}
- [2F07] The Aphrodite Inn {vm}
- [2F09] Zima is referenced
- [2F15] A wedding is held "outside" {ddg}
- [2F19] State names are given as names
- [3F08] The Fox anthem is played as a joke right before the end of the
  show {mar}
- [3F12] Kermit the Frog appears {mar}
- [SC#1] Troy McClure Day is declared

=======================================================================
> Animation, Continuity, and other Goofs
=======================================================================

+ In previous episodes, Troy seemed to have a healthier career than is
  shown in this episode.  {bjr}

+ Troy HAS worked in the last 12 years (he could have gotten those jobs
  on his own, and they ARE pretty crappy jobs).  {mar}

+ No one seemed to mention the scandal attached to Troy before this
  episode, either.  {bjr}

= In the overhead shot, Selma is sitting on a bronze-colored car.  When
  the point of view switches to ground level, the car is blue.  (Also,
  the car is not Selma's VW "Thing" and not Troy's Delorean.  She's
  sitting on some stranger's car!)  {bjr}

c When Selma lit up her cigarette in the restaurant, there is "Smoking?
  In America?" and "Low Class" in the close captions but they are never
  said.  {hl}
	
= When Selma lights her cigarette, they hadn't been served their dinner
  yet.  So how come Troy has it after the commotion?  {mar}

+ Selma tells Troy, "Smoke smells good when it's coming from you."  She
  must be buttering Troy up, since she lost her sense of smell when she
  was a child.  (See 8F20.)  {bjr}

= In the first shot of Troy's "house" one of the support legs breaks
  off, but it is still fine in later scenes and the house is still
  standing.  {jm}  [Perhaps he fixed it after Selma moved in. --ed]

= When Maggie is first shown at the pool, she's not wearing her hair
  ribbon, but when she's shown from behind, she is.  {ddg}

* When Troy says "It's a good day for me too, baby", he sounds more
  like Lionel Hutz.  {vm}

= Selma's mole isn't there the first time she's shown with Patty and
  Marge after her wedding.  {ddg}

* A scene seen in the commercials (Homer watching Abe's stag party
  and remarking that all it is is a bunch of naked old people) was
  cut; then again, the clip may have been from another episode.

=======================================================================
> Comments and other observations
=======================================================================

>> Warning: Urban Legend Ahead

Haynes Lee says, "There is a popular urban legend that a famous
    celebrity was admitted to a hospital emergency ward with a live
    gerbil in his rectum. The celebrity in question was practicing the
    bizarre sex act of stuffing live critters up his backside. One
    version of this involves Richard Gere.  For more info check the
    alt.folklore.urban FAQ."  He sent me several proofs (including
    the alt.showbiz.gossip FAQ), but of course I'm still skeptical.
    And besides, that FAQ is pretty bizzare.  I still have no appetite.
    Wait, that's from watching the closeups of Crawford in "Fair Game".
    If you believe this urban message, Aaron Varhola says, "GO DIRECTLY
    TO THE ALT.FOLKLORE.URBAN FAQ, do not pass go, do not collect
    $200."

Mr. Varhola adds, "However, the title is a parody of `A Fish Called
    Wanda', the 1988 comedy starring, among others, Jamie Lee Curtis.
    One of the other most persistent urban legends is that Ms. Curtis
    is a hermaphrodite. This is also NOT TRUE; no one has been able to
    get confirmation from her people, but the legend is too ridiculous
    to believe.  Two ridiculous urban legends in one episode."

>> Please, I just ate a plate of dingamagoo.

Haynes Lee says, "The Mafia expression `sleep with the fishes' means
    that the person in question has been disposed of in the harbor
    wearing `cement overshoes'."

>> Special Guest Voice (aka, "Help me!")

Jeff Goldblum is a moderately famous star of film.  Made popular for
    his role in the 1989 remake of "The Fly", perhaps his most famous
    role is that of Ian Malcolm in "Jurassic Park".  His other movies
    include "Hideaway" (with Alicia Silverstone) and "Powder".

>> Troy's film references (from Haynes Lee)

      Give My Remains To Broadway/ Give My Regards To Broadway
      Electric Gigolo/ American Gigolo
      Fatal Discharge/ Fatal Instinct
      Greatest Story Ever Hulaed/ Greatest Story Ever Told
      The Verdict Was Mail Fraud/ The Verdict Was Guilty
	(also a reference to the tacked-on ending of "The Client)
      Leper in the Backfield/ Angels in the Outfield
      Mr. Troy's Wild Ride/ Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
     
>> "The Muppets Go Medieval" (or, "Hamelot")

John Murray notes that a lot of movies set in the Medieval period were
    made in the '70s.

>> Hi, I'm John Z. Delorean.  You might remember me from such places as
   the Pontiac boardroom, and Federal court.

Benjamin Robinson tells us, "Troy's car is a Delorean DMC.  These were
    built, for a while at least, by John Z. Delorean, a former Pontiac
    executive and GM wunderkind.  The Delorean featured a stainless
    steel body and, as Chief Wiggum found out, gullwing doors.  (A flux
    capacitor was an aftermarket option.)  During its production run,
    the Delorean attracted a number of Hollywood celebrity owners, such
    as Johnny Carson.  Interestingly, John Delorean fell from grace
    when he was accused of, among other things, conspiring to import
    several kilos of cocaine to finance his sinking automobile company. 
    Somehow, it's fitting that McClure should drive one of these
    things."

>> sex, lies, and videotape

Benjamin Robinson says, "Like Troy McClure, both Rob Lowe and Hugh
    Grant were caught up in Hollywierd sex scandals.  Mr. Lowe was
    videotaped in a hotel room with two underage girls.  Mr. Grant was
    caught with a prostitute in his car."

>> Additions to "The Stellar Acting Career of Troy McClure" {mar}

     The Muppets Go Medieval
     The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed
     They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall
     Meet Joe Blow
     Give My Remains to Broadway
     The Verdict Was Mail Fraud
     Leper in the Backfield
     Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll
	(a filmstrip)
     Make-out King of Montana
     The Electric Gigolo 
     The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel
	(upcoming)

>> Other References (Required Reading for Drooling Simpsonites)

The Muppets... Mark Richey: "The world's favorite foam creatures.
    Created by the late Jim Henson, they starred in the worldwide TV
    hit `The Muppet Show' in the late '70s and in the new "Muppets
    Tonight!"  They have also starred in five movies: `The Muppet
    Movie' (1979-two years after the ficticious `Muppets Go 
    Medieval'); `The Great Muppet Caper' (1981); `The Muppets Take 
    Manhattan' (1984); `The Muppet Christmas Carol' (1992); and `Muppet
    Treasure Island' (1996).  The two main Muppets (seen in the movie)
    are Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.  Contrary to `Medieval', the
    Muppet movies (as well as the TV shows) attract Grade-A stars."

Dyan Cannon... Mark Richey: "A minor star from the seventies who
    hasn't done much recently."

"Troy is a perfect gentleman like Bing Crosby or JFK"... Veronica  
    Marquez: "Bing Crosby was a famous singer while John F. Kennedy was
    a famous president, and any sane person knows that they were
    anything _but_ perfect gentlemen."

"The Greatest Story Ever Told"... Mark Richey: "an overblown Biblical
    epic from the sixties that managed to feature every major star in
    Hollywood (`The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed')

"Meet John Doe"... Mark Richey: "Good Capra film from the fourties
    about an `everyman' who is used by some politicians for their own
    evil purposes. (`Meet Joe Blow')"  It also starred the late
    Sterling Holloway, better known for lending his voice to Winnie the
    Pooh.  Like all his other works, he hated this film.

"Give My Regards to Broadway"... Mark Richey: "a classic song from some
    Broadway musical (`Give My Remains to Broadway')

"MacArthur Park"... a '60s song by Jimmy Webb, arguably one of the
    worst, pointless songs of all.  Previously referred to in "Lisa the
    Beauty Queen" where Sanjay's daughter Pamchuseta played it in the
    beauty pageant.  (Troy's agent, MacArthur Parker)

Zima... a clear alcoholic drink.  Mark Richey: "I don't know much about
    it since I don't drink, but David Letterman hates it."  It was a
    fad that disappeared but evidently still holds some aficionados,
    and is very difficult to get drunk on, BTW.

"Entertainment Tonight"... Mark Richey: "The nightly magazine show made
    up mostly of celebrity gossip, movie previews, reports on what the
    cast of `Friends' is up to, and Leonard Maltin's reviews
    
"Stop the World, I Want to Get Off"... Mark Richey: "a Broadway musical
    from the sixties."  Other failed refs abounded, including one from
    a certain person who said it was a line in "Stop That Train" by
    Vanilla Ice.  (For sake of saving that person's character, I won't
    give her name.)

"Rock 'N Roll Part Two"... Jason Hancock: "At the wedding, Homer's
    brain hums `Rock and Roll Part Two.'  The mostly instrumental song
    (with several `heys' thrown in) was a hit for Gary Glitter in 1972
    and is a popular song at sporting events.  I think Fox also used
    this song in promos for `Lisa on Ice' [2F05] last year."

"Mr. Toad's Wild Ride"... Mark Richey: "A ride at Disney World, based
    on `The Wind in the Willows'"

Buster Keaton... Mark Richey: "one of the greatest comic actors of all
    time."  Michael Keaton, aka "The Second Batman" is his son.

Fresca... a liquid drink claiming to be a soda which was discontinued
    in the '70s.

>> The Scoop on Planet of the Apes

Mark Richey says "Planet of the Apes" is "A cult sci-fi movie from the
    1960's starring Charlton Heston (in the Troy McClure role).  It
    spawned four sequels and two TV series.  It also wouldn't make a
    good subject for a musical."  It's about an astronaut in some sort
    of stasis who crashlands on a planet inhabited only by talking apes
    and humans who apes kick around.  It seems there were men on the
    planet before who were more intelligent.  Anyway, later the 'naut
    goes off and discovers the Statue of Liberty, which is proof
    that the planet is Earth, and men blew each other up during the
    war.  The famous "You blew it up" with the Statue of Liberty scene
    has been parodied many times, including in "Deep Space Homer".
    BTW, Phil Hartman played Charlton Heston in "A Star is Burns", and
    Heston played the astronaut, and Troy, who is voiced by Phil
    Hartman, took on Heston's role.  Well, it _is_ kind of a stretch...

For those of you who are wondering, Dr. Zaius is the cynical ape in
    the film, who is later revealed to be covering up all evidence of
    intelligent man.  He was _not_ made up for the rhyme...  You can
    also see Cornelius, but not Zira.  There is no attractive female
    ape.

>> Lyrics for "Stop the Planet of the Apes: I Want to Get Off!"

Thanks to Frederic Briere for the transcription.

	"The Dr. Zaius Song"

	     Ape: Help, the human's about to escape.
	    Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
	    Apes: [gasping] He can talk!
	    Apes: [in unison, rythmed]
		  He can talk
		  He can talk
		  He can talk
		  He can talk
		  He can talk
		  He can talk
	    Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

		   [funky beat of "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing]
Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me Dr. Zaius!
	    Apes: [in unison]
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		  Oh... Dr. Zaius
	     Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

	    Troy: What's wrong with me?
	   Zaius: I think you're crazy.
	    Troy: Want a second opinion.
	   Zaius: You're also lazy.

	    Apes: [in unison]
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		  Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
		   [one ape starts breakdancing]
		  Oh... Dr. Zaius
	     Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

	    Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
	   Zaius: Of course you can.
	    Troy: Well I couldn't before!
		   [plays piano]

	"You'll Never Make a Monkey Out of Me"    
	
	    Troy: [singing]
		  I hate every ape I see
		  From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
		  No you'll never make a monkey out of me

		  Oh my God, I was wrong
		  It was Earth all along
		  You've finally made a monkey

	    Apes: Yes we've finally made a monkey

	    Troy: Yes you've finally made a monkey out of me
	    Apes: Yes we've  finally made a monkey out of you

	    Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

=======================================================================
> Reviews
=======================================================================
[since this episode was very controversial I included a few reviews
 that I otherwise would not put in.  --ed]

Dale G. Abersold - At first, I thought I'd review this episode harshly:
    it seemed perfunctory, produced only to fill out a full season.  In
    retrospect, however, the heavy-handed satire on Hollywood (like
    [2F17]) is less memorable than the character portraits: Selma and
    Troy as a pair of sad, pathetic people.  Still not great, but not
    awful.  Jeff Goldblum's cameo was just fine.  Grade: B-.

Erik Berliner - This one had a couple of pretty good jokes, and the
    Planet of the Apes scene was classic.  But it had too much reliance
    on Troy's trademark lines, and not enough on the rest of the story, 
    or a much needed subplot.  There was so little of OFF in the plot
    that the episode was almost boring.  Yet again Selma is married to
    a man who is using her.  Not original, or very well done either.
    This season appears to be hit or miss.  This one was a miss.
    Still, a bad Simpsons is better than a good anything else.  C-

Jeff Beuck - This episode was 100 times better than last week's lame
    episode where Bart finds the creator of Itchy and Scratchy.
    Definitely an A-.  

Chris Courtois - "A Fish Called Selma" was an interesting experiment in
    turning over the show to peripheral characters, which yielded good,
    but not great results. I only wish it hadn't been to the exclusion
    of the regular cast.  Bart and Lisa had 3 lines each. While many of
    the gags were funny, and the very cynical view of celebrity
    marriage (and Selma's willingness to accept it up to a point)
    echoed back to the biting satire of the first few seasons, the
    episode also had a been-there, done-that familiarity. I found it
    pretty funny the first time, but it didn't hold up well on a second
    viewing. A B+

Don Del Grande - A-minus - one of the better episodes, although not
    quite up to 3F16.  (And for those of you who remember my complaints
    about "Lisa's Wedding": THIS is how you show a wedding.)  It might
    have been better had they not used the obvious "Selma walks off"
    ending, but since the alternative was for them to stay married,
    there wasn't much choice, was there?

Oliver Dueck - I just saw the new episode, and, man, was it bad! This
    has to be the worst of the season. We saw almost nothing of Homer
    or Bart, and the story line was pretty stupid.  The funniest parts
    were the musical pruduction of "Planet of the Apes," and the end
    news broadcast announcing McClure's new movie. However, I give it
    an F.

Jason Hancock - This episode just didn't catch me the way last week's
    did.  As usual, it had its moments, particularly the Muppets movie
    parody at the beginning.  But the plot was simply a recycling of
    other romance episodes with very few laughs (yawn).  Selma falls in
    love, gets married, learns it's a sham, divorces -- it's been done
    before, folks!  On top of that, Troy's catch phrase gag was
    overdone.  Oh, well; maybe next week's show will be better.  Grade:
    C-.

Patrick Hayden - I for one think the episode was a refreshing change,
    the change many have asked for.  This episode had a lot of great
    moments-"Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off" had me
    ROTFL for the first time in a long time.  Now, the show was
    desperately in need of a subplot, and the laughs dimminished after
    the wedding, but it was a better parodying of Hollywood culture
    than "Radioactive Man" was.  So all in all, I would say that this
    is the brightest spot in a long time.  I give it a well-deserved B.

Haynes Lee - Last week Roger Myers was exposed as a plagiarist and now
    Troy McClure is exposed as a phoney? Probably next week the
    bumblebee guy will be exposed as an illegal immigrant. There has
    been way too much deconstructionism this season.  Also, the fish
    fetish was carried way to heavy for one single episode. Let
    everybody keep on guessing like with Smithers.  GRADE: C-

Veronica Marquez - A below-average episode raised to above par by some
    very hilarious scenes, i.e. Dr. Zeyus.  Wish we saw more of the
    Simpsons, though... after all it is "The Simpsons", isn't it?  B-

Daniel McCoy - This one's almost not worth reviewing in my opinion.
    It was a case of too many missed opportunities.  Troy in a full
    length show turned out to be a bore.  Was it just me or did they
    forget to give him much of a personality?  Also the fish joke was
    just _tiresome_.  It was just flat and repetative, and this is from
    someone who thought the rake scene in Cape Feare was classic!  Even
    things like the Planet of the Apes musical have been done better in
    other episodes.  Sad.  D+

John Murray - Grade: A.  Finally another good episode. It seems this
    season is bouncing between good and bad episodes.  This episode had
    a good plot, and a great choice of characters, that combined to
    make to make it good.  Using Troy, and the running gags, with the
    fish scandal and Troy's trademark "you my remember me from" lines
    said by him and people talking to him added the comedic value to
    this episode.

Damian Penny - Once again, they came up with a great plot that SHOULD
    have been funny - Troy McClure marrying Selma to overcome rumors of
    his bizarre sexual fetish (which I won't even try and explain) -
    but the whole show came across as forced.  There were a few big
    laughs, including the Troy McClure/Muppets movie and the "Planet
    of the Apes" musical, but mostly this one was a bit flat.  As
    someone waiting for an episode centred around McClure, I was a bit
    disappointed.  Grade: B-

Norman J. Landis - [responding to the above] You know, I kinda had the
    same problem.  Everything about the episode pointed to greatness,
    but I somehow was left a wee disappointed.  But yet I found it to
    be a VERY GOOD episode.  And so, emotions aside, I give it a B+,
    which is an A+++ compared to just about every other TV show.

Vasant Ramamurthy - I'd just like to say that tonight's episode sucked!

Jeff Reis - For me the past 2 episodes have shown stirrings of a
    return to form.  The writers are obviously making an effort to be
    more freewheelingly goofy and gag-driven rather than forcing out
    the inane plot contrivances that have marked too much of this
    season. They're not all the way back yet but there were some big
    laughs..."Leper in the Backfield" was hilarious (what a mother
    lode of McClure films!) and the uprooting of Buster Keaton's star
    for Troy's had me howling. Much more attempt at pop culture satire
    (and a healthy dose of self-parody) has made the last two episodes
    way above the season's rather low average. Tonight's ep was a
    solid, refreshing B. 

Mark Richey - Hmmm...Normally, when I complain about the lengh of a
    plot, there isn't enough for an episode.  This one, however,
    suffered from too much, leading to an abrupt, unsatifiying ending.
    The laughs in this episode petered out after the wedding, though.
    However, the funny parts (the musical, the second date) are among
    the funniest scenes this season.  Grade: B

Benjamin Robinson - An unusual episode, in that it focused almost
    entirely on the show's supporting cast.  Skewers Tinseltown's
    shallowness and manipulative nature, but without the insiders-only
    attitude that marred "Radioactive Man (2F17)."  Jeff Goldblum does
    well in a role as McClure's sleazy agent. (B+)

Rick Senger - At first blush, fairly weak, but viewing number two
    revealed greater depth.  Highly atypical with almost no Simpsonian
    family interplay, yet after 145 shows, this detour was refreshing/
    welcome.  Still, no break-out laughs, although the Dr. Zeus song
    and Homer's brain humming the bye bye music when we expect him to
    queer the wedding was pretty damn funny.  B-

Christine Tiplady - This episode was of the lowest quality.  a) Not
    funny.  b)  No Simpsons in it, practically.  c)  Pat ending.
    The Planet of the Apes musical was good.  It had some comedic
    value.  But of course, they've already sent up Broadway musicals
    one too many times.  Troy McClure cannot carry an episode.  If I
    heard the phrase "remember [me] from such films as" one more time,
    the words would lose all meaning.  It works ONCE in an episode.
    Someone here said that contrary to the usual problem, this episode
    suffered from too MUCH plot.  I agree.  Too much of a plot that was
    devoid of interest.  Troy needs to fake liking Selma because people
    think he does something unspeakable with fish.  Oh yeah, that hits
    home.  a) We don't care about Troy McClure.  b) Basing an episode
    on the fish thing?  It barely worked as a one-liner.

Aaron Varhola - Can you make a Simpsons episode without the Simpsons?
    Surprisingly, yes. Good, but not spectacular, storytelling, decent
    emotion, emphasizing Selma getting burned again in love, and some
    spectacular parodies (the Planet of the Apes musical had me
    ROTFLMAO). However, the "I'm Troy McClure, You might remember me
    from such films as...." was done to death. B.

Yours Truly - I can't overemphasize how much I hated this episode.
    Not only did I hate it, but it was technically very bad as well:
    Next to no focus was given to OFF, which were given naught but a
    few token lines.  Troy's "You may remember..." line was overused
    (which stops getting funny after you've heard it twice.)  And
    just about everything in this episode has been done better in other
    ones.  I hoped this episode would focus on Marge's jealousy over
    Selma, which would make a better episode, but the new writer Jack 
    Barth failed at this.  To paraphrase Iago, "Boy, what pit did you
    drag this bum out of?"  It gets a D+.

AVERAGE GRADE: C/C+ (2.33)

=======================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {fb}
=======================================================================
    
    TV: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to Dyan Cannon,
	Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film: "The Muppets Go
	Medieval".
  Troy: Oh Princess Fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in
	marriage?
 Piggy: Oh, Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will!
	 [they kiss each other]
  Troy: [purrs]
Kermit: [in armor, wielding a sword] Unhand the swine, you swain! Come,
	Piggy. back to Hamelot.
 Piggy: Heck no, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquinted.
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% Troy and Kermit duel, but as Kermit grunts at the effort, it's quite
% obvious that Troy doesn't even bother to move his sword.
%
% Our favorite family is wathing this movie on TV.

 Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but
       man... [laughs] So to answer your question I don't know.
-- No deep thoughts yet, I see, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Bart: Why'd they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. Mmm, back in
       the '70s he was quite a teen heartthrob.
Homer: Yeah, who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?
Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say
       he does down at the aquarium. Why I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that
       type of thing with _fish_!
-- He may hold you to that, "A Fish Called Selma"

Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby or JFK.
-- Now who's being naive, Marge?, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Marge concludes: "I wonder where Troy is now."
%
% Answering her question, we get to follow a DeLorean bearing a "Follow
% me to Springfield Aquarium!" bumper sticker. Of course, the driver is
% Troy McClure, and he seems to have vision problems, as he knocks
% almost every parked car he can find. "Hey, these cars are all over the
% road!" he blames, just before a siren is heard from behind. He parks,
% and Chief Wiggum comes out of a police car.

Wiggum: All right, Captain Rush-Rush, out of the car!
	 [Troy slams the DeLorean's door in his face]
	Ow, I'm seeing stars here!
  Troy: No, just one! Hi, I'm Troy McClure; you may remember me from
	such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed", and "They Came
	to Burgle Carnegie Hall".
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% Wiggum doesn't remember Troy from such films.

Wiggum: License please?
	 [Troy hands his license]
	Says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on,
	Mister.
  Troy: You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses? It'd
	be a crime against nature!
	 [groans, then puts his glasses on, which are powerful
	 magnifiers]
Wiggum: [surprised] Gaa! Well, they do kinda make you look like a
	nerd... Tell you what, just go down to the DMV tomorrow, try to
	pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket but I'm uh...
	still gonna have to ask you for a bribe.
-- Professional as always, "A Fish Called Selma"

% The next day, at the DMV, it's still another day for Patty and Selma.

Grampa: [to Selma] Hello Marge. [to Patty] Hello Marge.
 Selma: [groans] How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew
	their licenses?
 Patty: They carpool, that's the problem.
	 [stamps Grampa's license]
Grampa: Hey! I came here to get this revoked!
-- The passionate life of a DMV employee, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Troy McClure walks into the DMV, which brings murmurs from the crowd.

Hibbert: Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at
	 the aquarium.
  Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
   Tony: No, what I said was: "He sleeps with the fishes". You see...
  Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of
	 dingamagoo...
-- And it doesn't look pretty on the way out, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Next thing Selma knows, Troy is standing in front of her. "Whoa...
% Troy McClure!" she utters. Troy just stands there gazing at her
% beauty, until he recalls his glasses and puts them on. The shock to
% harsh reality is brutal.

 Troy: [surprised in disgust] Uh... Hello, beautiful! John Law tells me
       I might need to wear these glasses.
Selma: You? [giggle] Nonsense! You're Troy McClure! I remember you from
       such films as "Meet Joe Blow" and "Give My Remains to Broadway".
       Stars like you don't need glasses.
	[Troy smiles suggestively at Selma, who smiles back at him]
Patty: Yech!
-- That's still some improvement over Barney, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses, and
       read the top line? [points to an eye chart]
 Troy: Err... W... 7... star... pound... uh...
       Look, Ms... [looks at Selma's name plate] Bouvier, as an actor I
       depend on my remarkable looks.
	[Selma smiles silently]
       If you could find in your heart to pass me, I'm sure I could
       find some way to repay you.
Selma: [gulps] Mubble.
 Troy: Say, by buying you dinner?
	[Selma smiles with joy and stamps his license several times]
 Troy: That took a lot of class.
-- His charms are still working, "A Fish Called Selma"

% That night, they're having dinner at the Pimento Grove, a very chic
% restaurant, with many pictures of celebrities as part of the decor.
% Selma seems to be having fun, but Troy is yawning of boredom.

Selma: All these celebrities on the walls; I'm just know a big star
       like you is up there somewhere.
 Troy: Uh, yes, I'm over there... [vaguely points somewhere]
Selma: [as she browses the walls] Hmm... Uh... Huh-uh. Hmm?
	[finally finds Troy's picture on the pet door]
       Oh!
-- "Cats", anyone?, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Troy: So, working at the DMV must be very interesting.
Selma: Well, uh... I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from
       scratching my butt all day.
       [clears throat]
       Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working
       on now?
 Troy: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot
       cheaper than _going_ to the movies.
-- But it's just not the same, "A Fish Called Selma"

% At the end of their not-so-enchanted evening...

   Selma: Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain. I had a
	  pretty good time.
    Troy: [sounding tired] Yeah, me too. You need a ride, somewhere...
Reporter: Hey, get a load of this: Troy McClure and what looks like a
	  date!
	   [many reporters gather and take pictures]
    Troy: Here you go, boys: a little something for page one.
	   [kisses Selma on the cheek]
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% Actually, the picture is printed on "Page Ten" of the Springfield
% Shopper, following the crossword puzzles; nevertheless, it is noticed
% by many people.

Lenny: Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy
       McClure?
Homer: Pft... Troy McClure. He's a washed-up movie star, he could be
       dating washed-up supermodels.
Lenny: Ho, I don't know. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish
       weren't true after all.
 Carl: Ah, this changes everything; I'd pay to see him in a movie now.
       If only that were possible.
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% Meanwhile, Troy is in his futuristic house, built on top of a pole,
% and on the verge of crumbling. Reflecting his tastes, the master
% bedroom is composed of a coral bed, surrounded by aquariums. The
% phone rings as he is applying the knowledge of a book titled "Bean-
% Bag Furniture Repair" to his own bean bag.

Parker: Troy, my man, it's MacArthur Parker.
  Troy: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker _my_ agent?
Parker: Heh heh, just checking in, my friend. So how's my favorite
	client?
  Troy: We haven't spoken in eight years...
Parker: Yes... So I saw the papers today Troy, looking good, that
	wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work.
  Troy: You haven't found me work in _twelve_ years!
Parker: [chuckles] Oh you, Jury duty is work.
-- The duty or the movie?, "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: And listen, you keep getting seen in public with human females,
	and I can get you work in the _entertainment_ industry.
  Troy: Hmm... [looks at the article] Hey...
	 [dials]
	Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me
	from such dates as last night's dinner.
-- The running gag continueth, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Troy's takes her to the Ugli, and this time reporters are surrounding
% them.

Troy: That's right boys, Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought
      someone with him!
-- That's flattering, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Troy: [laughing] That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a
       funnier anecdote. [laughing] All right, now you tell one.
Selma: Well, not much happens to me. But I once had dinner with a movie
       star, and it was the most wonderful night of my life.
 Troy: Really? Who was it, George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.
-- Watched him in "The Babysitter", too, "A Fish Called Selma"

% As Troy misses the point, Selma feels an urge to smoke a cigarette.
% However, she merely has the time to light one before everyone around
% looks at her in disgust.

   Man: Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema...
Server: Please, don't smoke in our restaurant; we don't serve
	contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs...
-- He's got a point, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Ashamed of ruining their evening, Selma walks out to sob and smoke
% her cigarette. "Got a light?", asks Troy behind her. They both smoke
% (and cough), to Selma's pleasure.
%
% At Marge's home, she tells her and Patty about her love story. She
% says he's taking her out to a special screening of his latest film.
%
% Next Friday, the Route 18 Flea Market and Drive-In features his
% latest film, which is, in fact, The Muppets Go Medieval. Of course,
% they're the only car parked in the whole lot.

You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming out of you.
-- Selma on a date, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming out of
       you... Oh, I'm all out.
 Troy: Here, try one of my cigars.
Selma: [does so] My God! It's like five cigarettes at once! Oh, my head
       is swimming!
 Troy: That's not cigars, baby: that's love.
	[in echo with the movie dialogue]
       No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.
Piggy: Whoa...
Selma: Whoa...
 Troy: Oh Princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in
       marriage?
	[shows Selma a wedding ring]
Piggy: Oh, Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will!
Selma: Oh, Troy,           I will!
	[Troy slips the ring to her finger, then they kiss]
 Troy: Just a second baby.
	[sprays breath freshener in her mouth, then resumes kissing]
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 8'43"]
%
% Troy's wedding generates a lot of attention, even from Entertainment
% Tonight.

ET Man: '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his
	dreams. We may rememb... woman? Huh, okay! We may remember Troy
	from such films as "The Verdict Was Mail Fraud", and "Leper in
	the Backfield".
	 [clip of Troy as a football player]
	 [he catches the ball, backs up, and then his arm breaks off]
  Lori: [laughs, then stops brutally] With his high-profile romance,
	Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his carrer.
	And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for
	some very choice roles.
ET Man: Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up
	deviant, eh Lori? [chuckles] All right...
-- Entertainment Tonight, no worse than usual, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Preparing for the wedding, Selma is moving to Troy's house.

Selma: Make sure my iguana's okay.
 Troy: Selma, Jub-Jub is fantastic. He's everywhere you wanna be.
	[shows Selma her room]
       Welcome to your new home baby, it's fantastic.
       Garbage collection is Monday; if you want to throw out a box,
       you have to cut it up.
-- Damn P.C. recycling thugs, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: It's so modern... it's ultra-modern, like living in a
       not-to-distant future.
 Troy: Now you make yourself at home here, I'll be sleeping downstairs
       in the visitors center.
Selma: Oh... okay.
 Troy: I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis; it comes
       on at 10. [winks]
-- But I wanna watch MacGuyver, "A Fish Called Selma"

	 [phone rings]
Parker: Troy! Mac Parker. Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes?
  Troy: Uh... the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And _you_ are
	starring... as the human.
  Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!
-- He does look like a human, too, "A Fish Called Selma"

% It's the premiere of "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get
% Off!" in Springfield, and everyone is gathered to witness the
% comeback of Troy McClure.

 Bart: [in admiration] This play has everything!
Homer: Oh, I love legitimate theater.
-- They're butchering the classics!, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Troy: Thank you, it's great to be back. I just want to say, I wouldn't
       be here without the support of a very special lady; my always
       outrageous fiancee Selma. Take a bow, sugar beet!
Selma: [shy] Oh... well... oh...
Homer: Down in front!
-- You with the hair, "A Fish Called Selma"

% At Troy's house, the kids and Homer are enjoying the pool.

Troy: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with
      water. Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle.
Lisa: Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel
      Fight: the Blinding of Larry Driscoll.
Troy: You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.
Lisa: Uh-huh...
-- The fascinating story of Troy McClure, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal
       husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us.
	[Marge looks disappointed]
       Oh, come on! Guess which one.
Homer: I know, I know; it's Selma, right?
-- He knows his flaws, "A Fish Called Selma"

% At Moe's, Homer is teaching Troy about how to get drunk.

 Troy: [drunk] Yeah, it's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made
       some movies about WW II.
Homer: Ah, hell... Well, what about Dracula?
 Troy: Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're
       gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.
Homer: Troy buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna
       marry a guy like Selma?
-- Has she gone through sex change yet?, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Troy whispers the reason in Homer's ear, and seems to find the
% situation very funny. Homer, on the other side, looks disturbed.
%
% Anywho, the wedding is still being held, and at Springfield Botanical
% Gardens over that.

 Rev.: And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier, take the fabulous
       Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband?
Selma: I already told you, yes.
 Rev.: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy
       matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
	[zoom in on Homer's head]
Brain: [singing to himself "Rock 'N Roll Part Two"]
       Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah, dah-dah!
       Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah!
-- And that's only 10% of his brain capacity, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Rev.: I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss... each
       other.
	[as Troy turns himself to smile to the cameras, Selma ends up
	 kissing him on the cheek]
Selma: This is the best day of my life.
 Troy: It's a good day for me too, baby. Now smile, we're gonna be on
       every newstand in the country!
-- That's what I meant too, "A Fish Called Selma"

% That night, at bed...

Homer: Hey, look what I snagged, Marge: the candy bride and groom from
       the wedding cake!
	[swallows them painfully, as they seem to be made in metal]
	[he finally succeeds, as we hear a little splash]
       Mmm... pointy.
-- Mmm... ulcer, "A Fish Called Selma"

Marge: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.
Homer: That reminds me, Troy said something interesting last night at
       the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the
       marriage is just a sham to help his carreer. Well, enough talk
       -- let's snuggle.
-- Caring Homer, "A Fish Called Selma"

Marge: What? Oh my God!
	[Homer turns off the light]
	[we can still see Marge's eyes in the dark -- as in any cartoon]
Homer: Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.
	[Marge does so]
       There.
-- Meta-humor at its best, "A Fish Called Selma"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 15'16"]
%
% At Aphrodite Inn, MacArthur Parker is reading the Springfield
% Shopper, of which Troy's Wedding made the front page.

This better be important, it's my wedding night. I'm trying to sleep!
-- Troy's views on wedding nights, "A Fish Called Selma"

   Parker: Hey sleep is for has-beens, my friend, and you're about to
	   have a very crowded schedule. This marriage scam is paying
	   off big time.
Bartender: Phone for you.
     Troy: T.McC.
    Selma: Troy, darling, come to bed. I wanna the Troy McClure I
	   remember from such films as "Make-Out King of Montana" and
	   "The Electric Gigolo". [chuckles]
-- Urgh..., "A Fish Called Selma"

  Troy: Yeah, in a minute... darling.
	 [hangs up]
	Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp
	my style.
Parker: Oh, who cares, the offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you
	for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
  Troy: Those sick freaks?
-- Look who's talking, "A Fish Called Selma"

Parker: Okay, then get this: I think they want you to play McBain's
	sidekick in... brace yourself, the new McBain movie!
  Troy: McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea world!
-- More shameless promotion, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Meanwhile, Marge and Patty try to tell Selma that Troy is just using
% her, but she doesn't want to admit it. She runs away to find Troy and
% find answer to her questions.

Selma: [menacing] Is this a sham marriage?
 Troy: Sure baby, is that a problemo?
-- Fair enough, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: You _married_ me just to help you carreer?
 Troy: You make it sound so sordid, look: don't we have a good time
       together?
Selma: Yes, but...
 Troy: Don't you have everything you ever wanted here? Money, security,
       a big hot flat rock for Jub Jub?
-- Just what everyone would want, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: But... don't you love me?
 Troy: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only
       difference between our marriage and any one else's is: we know
       ours is a sham.
-- When you look at it this way..., "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Are you gay?
 Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have
       is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be
       hidden from the public at all cost. You see...
Selma: Stop!
-- Aw, we were just about to hear it all, "A Fish Called Selma"

% But Troy insists on the fact that it's easy, and that she would go to
% the right places and meet the right people. Who would turn down such
% an offer?

Troy: Sure, you'll be a sham wife, but you'll be the envy of every
      other sham wife in town!
-- Wow, what a bargain!, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Selma accepts, and the merry couple assists to the inauguration of
% Troy's sidewalk star, replacing Buster Keaton's.

Troy: One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so
      watch out... Laszlo Panaflex.
-- That's some tough competition, "A Fish Called Selma"

ET Man: Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to co-star
	in the big new McBain pic, Mc Bain IV: Fatal Discharge.
	 [phone rings]
Parker: Oh, you're watching?
  Troy: Mac, you gotta get me that part!
Parker: I will, but you gotta do something for me; problem is the big
	parts these days are all going to family men.
  Troy: But I already got married!
Parker: Yeah, for a role like this, you gotta pour it on. You and your,
	er, wife have gotta have a baby.
  Troy: A baby, eh? What do I do?
Parker: I'll send you over a pamphlet. Listen, you can't buy that kind
	of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby,
	which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the
	deductible which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part
	which you will if you have a baby.
  Troy: C'est Troi Bien!
Parker: Okay. Now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana,
	Dakota or Florida, they're taken...
  Troy: Hmm... Oregon?
Parker: Oh, Pacific North-West, very hot.
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% At Ugli, Selma is pondering the question.

Selma: Having a child? That's a big step.
 Troy: You bet it is, think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie,
       but maybe my own fragrance: Smellin' of Troy.
-- Troy's illusions of grandeur, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Selma: Hmm... It is probably my last chance to be a mommy.
Waiter: Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?
  Troy: You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!
-- "A Fish Called Selma"

% So, that night, Troy and Selma are trying the best they can; Selma in
% bed, and Troy in the bedroom's door frame.

Selma: Er... come here, tiger!
 Troy: [growls, but doesn't know what to do next]
Selma: Mmm... would you like some wine?
 Troy: Yes!
	[comes and drinks both his and Selma's glasses]
	[goes back to the door]
       [growls]
Selma: Er... why don't you come over here, and make yourself more
       comfortable?
 Troy: No... why don't _you_ come over here and make _yourself_
       comfortable?
-- He _does_ need to learn the basics, "A Fish Called Selma"

 Troy: I'm sorry, this whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby
       would be so much work?
Selma: Having a baby isn't supposed to be work, it's supposed to be an
       expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each
       other.
 Troy: Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad,
       remember how alive with pleasure they said we were?
-- He's supposed to get it someday, "A Fish Called Selma"

Selma: Hmmm... Look, I'm sorry. A loveless marriage is one thing, we're
       not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family
       is something I just can't do.
 Troy: [relieved] Great, we'll adopt! I'll call my agent, he'll find
       some kid who wants in on the deal.
-- Macaulay Culkin or Tiffany perhaps, "A Fish Called Selma"

% Selma says goodbye to Troy: "I'll always remember you, but not from
% your films." She walks away with Jub Jub.

Come on Jub Jub. Let's go home and I'll microwave you some nice
roaches.
-- The perfect evening in perspective, "A Fish Called Selma"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21'31"]

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly-divorced
comeback-kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in McBain
IV to direct and star in his own pet project: The Contrabulous
Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? 20th
Century Fox is betting... it will.
 [20th Century Fox theme plays]
-- Entertainment Tonight covers Troy's dumb project,
      "A Fish Called Selma"

=======================================================================
> Contributions
=======================================================================

{kab} - Kevin Bowman 
 {fb} - Frederic Briere
{ddg} - Don Del Grande 
 {jh} - Jason Hancock
 {hl} - Haynes Lee
 {vm} - Veronica Marquez
 {jm} - John Murray
 {dp} - Damian Penny
 {sp} - Serge Polishchuk
{mar} - Mark Richey
{bjr} - Benjamin Robinson 
 {bs} - Bill Szczuka
 {my} - Mike Yurkus

=======================================================================
> Legal crud
=======================================================================
The above compilation of observations, quote summaries, statistics, and
other miscellaneous information copyright 1996 Chips-Fey Productions.
Not to be used in a public forum without explicit permission from the
author (Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.) or his brother Jose Lafaurie.

Any quoted material above remains property of the original authors;
mainly, quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The
Simpsons, and copyright to Twentieth Century Fox.  The compilation is
copyrighted to Frederic Briere.  So don't sue.