Homer the Smithers                         Written by John Swartzwelder
					  Directed by Steven Dean Moore
=======================================================================
Production Code: 3F14               Original Airdate in N.A.: 25-Feb-96
					  Capsule revision B, 19-Apr-96
=======================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis {sp}
=======================================================================

    Before taking a vacation, Smithers makes sure to find a replacement
    who won't outshine him. That would be Homer, who succumbs to job
    stress as Mr. Burns' assistant.  Voices: Harry Shearer, Dan
    Castellaneta, Hank Azaria, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley
    Smith

=======================================================================
> Opening Sequence
=======================================================================

>> COUCH SCENE

      Like Shriners, the family scoot around in little carts for a
      while before pulling back in formation in front of the TV and
      honking.

	(Recycled from 3F02.)

=======================================================================
> Did you notice...
=======================================================================
   ... Smithers was using a Macintosh?  (But Greg Franks {gf} points
       out it had no mouse.)
   ... Smithers hangs out in a bar without _any_ apparent women, i.e.
       a gay bar, proving Smithers is gay?  (Let's end this waste of
       bandwidth now.)
   ... Moe's phone number is 764-8437?  (But Mark Richey {mar} points
       out that 7 might be used to contact an outside line, making
       it 648-4377.)

Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.:
   ... Lenny is drunk?  He slurs his speech and all.
   ... Burns and/or Smithers apparently don't call it orange juice,
       since the first foodstuff is waffles and the last is zwieback?
   ... Burns looks at the camera while Homer reads to him the fate of
       his car/cube?
   ... Smithers drops the phone?
   ... Burns hits the Cray with a crowbar?
   ... no one is at Moe's when Burns calls?
   ... OFF eats spaghetti, rolls, and mashed potatoes for dinner?
   ... Smithers now has a steel rod instead of a spine?
   ... Mother Burns looks a lot like Burns?
   ... Mother Burns has a Western accent?

Jose Lafaurie:
   ... Burns drinks Postum, so he's really old?  (see below)

Haynes Lee:
   ... SNPP has a two-fence perimeter similar to prisons?
   ... Smithers computer has two ribbon cables coming out of the
       monitor?
   ... the bag of donuts has the Lard Lad Donut Boy?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Burns' car is equipped with either (a) two separate phone lines,
       one in the driver's compartment and one in the back, or (b) one
       line with two extensions that can be used as an intercom?
   ... the machine Burns kicks looks like a Cray X-MP?
   ... the telephone rings 48 times before Homer picks up, which
       translates to about five minutes?
   ... the Love Tester is back in the corner of the bar?
   ... Burns litters with shredded _environmental_ papers?

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... one of the members of the conga line bears an uncanny
       resemblance to Buddy Hodges (the original Fallout Boy)? (see
       below)
   ... Moe is really paranoid about crank calls?
   ... Homer is hanging out at Moe's at midnight.

Jason Hancock:
   ... Burns drinks out of a spoon?
   ... Burns lies to Congress?
   ... Homer likes the Little Rascals?
   ... the picture of the Cat in the Hat in Burns' bedroom?
   ... Burns wears dentures?
   ... Smithers wears his work uniform while on vacation?
   ... on Burns' phone, the letters are below the numbers?
   ... this is the first time since 9F06 that someone calls Moe?
   ... Moe's is open after midnight?
   ... the Duff clock at Moe's chimes like a grandfather clock?
   ... Bobo's right eye is missing?

John Murray:
   ... the drag race was dedicated to Lance Murdock?
   ... Smithers was able to stick his head in the water cooler?
   ... Burns' belch sounds just like Barney's?
   ... the corn flakes ignite for no reason?
   ... Burns thinks donuts are an ethnic food?
   ... Burns' mother is 122 years old?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Maggie raises a clenched fist with the others at the end of
       the Lance Murdock tribute announcement?
   ... the family walking out behind Homer is doing so with identical
       arm motions?
   ... Mr. Burns is 104 and his mother is 122, so she was 18 when she
       gave birth?
   ... the entire time Homer is working as Burns' assistant, he always
       wears a tie with his shirt, even at home?
   ... Smithers' vacation site has no women at it?
   ... Homer hits Burns with his right hand?
   ... after Homer knocks Burns out, his babbling includes the words
       "Let's Get Ready To" (but without "Rumble)?  See below.
   ... Maggie eats dinner the second time with her hands?
   ... Maggie reaches out at the fruit basket at the end?

Mark Richey:
   ... Mr. Burns now uses maces as weapons?
   ... the fully stocked bar in the limo?
   ... the ashtray beside the computer?
   ... there is no fire damage in the office?
   ... Homer knows that dodos are extinct?
   ... the pineapples in Smithers' bag?
   ... Homer takes Smithers' bet?

Greg Franks:
   ... the water cooler in Burns' office has both hot and cold taps?
   ... Smithers' computer does not have a mouse?
   ... while Homer is at Burns' house making breakfast and bathing
       Burns he is wearing a long sleeved shirt?
   ... Homer put a whole egg on the kabob stick?
   ... OFF has two piggy backs on the bottom shelf of their curio
       cabinet?

Damian Penny:
   ... Burns' kitchen seems to have nothing but ancient appliances, but
       also has a microwave?
   ... at home, Mr. Burns still uses a rotary-dial telephone?

Dominik Halas:
   ... Ms. Mellon leaving the speedway?
   ... the ambulance at the speedway?
   ... Mr. Burns almost runs over Jasper, who is about to mail a 
       letter?
   ... Maggie is eating with her hands?
   ... Homer thinks Mr. Burns' first name is Montel?
   ... Smithers knows the combination to Mr. Burns' wall safe?

Veronica Marquez:
   ... most of the signs in the Dragway are in Deco font?
   ... Burns eats zwieback which is a dried-up, tasteless excuse for
       bread?
   ... Moe at first didn't recognize Bart as his crank caller in 8F09,
       he thought it was Jimbo in 9F06, and now he thinks it's Burns?
       (Is Moe deaf?)
   ... Mother Burns has hair on her chin?
   ... Burns calls his mother "Mater", German for "mother"?

Frederic Briere:
   ... the Corn Flakes box has absolutely no logo or picture on it?
   ... Barney's life-time supply of Duff he won in 2F31 is just not
       enough for him?

=======================================================================
> Cast
=======================================================================

>> Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Moe, Chief Wiggum, beer shipment deliverer)
   - Harry Shearer (announcer, Burns, Smithers, Lenny, Dr. Hibbert)

>> Also Starring
   - Tress MacNeille (Mother Burns)

=======================================================================
> Movie, Music, and other References
=======================================================================
	
+ King Cobra Malt Liquor {ddg}
    - "King Pin Malt Liquor" on the race cars
  "The Flintstones"
   - "Mr. Johnson or Johnstone"
+ "Relax (Don't Do It)", by Frankie Goes to Hollywood {hl}
    - an '80s dance tune playing when Smithers calls Burns the second
      time
+ "Swimming with Sharks" {bc}  
    - Burns throws pencils in Homer's face and yells at Homer like
      Frank Whaley to Kevin Spacey
  Billy Budd {dga}
    - Homer punching Burns like Billy strikes Claggart
+ Michael Buffer, boxing ring announcer {ddg}
    - Trademark "Let's get ready to rumble" said by Homer (see DYN)
  "X-Men" {vm}, {vr}
    - the scene of Smithers punching Homer and getting his hand stuck is
      from comic X-Men where Cyclops punches the Blob and gets his hand
      stuck, and Blob starts jabbing him.
  "Terminator II: Judgement Day"
    - others say the scene is from this movie, but I dissent.
+ "A Clockwork Orange"
    - Burns falling out the window like Alex attempting to "snuff it"
      in the film {jl}
    - Burns in casts on a bed, awating peanuts from Smithers with
      the mouth opening exactly like Alex in the film

=======================================================================
> Freeze Frame Fun
=======================================================================

>> Sponsors of some of the drag racers {bjr}

      Amalgamated Pornography
      Duff Beer
      the FOX network {ddg}
      Kingpin Malt Liquor
      Laramie Cigarettes
      Cop Stopper Exploding Bullets {ddg}

>> Junior Jumble {bjr}

      O  D  G

      O
      -  -  -

      E  H  T

	    O
      -  -  -

      T  I

	 O
      -  -

      E  H

      O
      -  -


      When you solve this (the solved words are DOG (or GOD {sjb}), 
      THE, IT, and HE (duh)), the final jumble consists of D-E-T-H (or
      G-E-T-H {sjb}), which doesn't form any common word.

>> Some things Burns hits on his drive home {jh}

      Stop sign
      Fire hydrant
      Full garbage can
      Mailbox
      Street Sign

>> Movers

    NEAT & TIDY
    Piano Movers

>> Technical Credits (if you care)

    Overseas Animation: Anivision {ddg}
    Assistant Director: Dominic Polcino {vm}
    Animation Timers: Chris Loudon, Michael Polcino {vm}
    Storyboard: John Rice, Martin Archer, Ted Mathot {vm}

>> Miscellaneous FFF

- License plate of the Airport shuttle: 600ZP {sjb}
- Burns' office number is KL5-5246. {sjb}
- When Smithers and Homer are fighting, Burns employs a loud noise,
  water, and a stick to break them up (all used to separate dogs
  fighting) {sjb}

=======================================================================
> Previous Episode References
=======================================================================
- A Clockwork Orange references:
  - 7G05: Bart uses the adjectives "terrible, ghastly"
  - 8F17: SLH being strapped by its body and eyes and forced to
	  watch disturbing films while Burns drops things in his eyes
  - 8F18: Bart says "I got a pain in me gulliver" to try to get out
	  of going to school
  - 9F04: Bart dresses up as the malchik Alex
  - 9F14: the cupcake scene = the scene where Alex reaches for the
	  woman's breasts
  - 3F14: Burns falling out of window and requesting peanuts/steak
	  with his mouth
- [7G02] Ms. Mellon appears
- [7G03] Someone attempts suicide {jl}
- [7G04] Burns reads off of cue cards in an employee event {vm}
- [7F02] Homer takes Smithers' job
- [7F05] Employee night at a sports venue {dh2}
- [7F05] Burns drinks Duff Beer {jh}
- [7F05] "I'll wither and die!" {fb}
- [7F06] Truckasaurus' announcer's voice is heard {fb}
- [7F06] OFF visit Springfield Speedway {jh}
- [7F06], [8F10], [9F11] Lance Murdock is mentioned
- [7F09] Zoom-out with dramatic music as someone is laying unconscious
  {fb}
- [7F10] Burns drives his own car, hitting something/one along {fb}
- [7F14] Bart tries to get someone to do his homework for him {fb}
- [7F18], [1F16] Burns takes a bath/shower {fb}
- [7F18] Burns enjoys kiddie sections in the newspaper {vm}
- [7F23] A legitimate phone call to Moe {jl}
- [7F21], [9F06] Buddy Hodges appears (see below)
- [8F06] Bart makes fun at Homer's new job {fb}
- [8F06] Homer misses sleep due to his new job {fb}
- [8F09], [9F06] Moe can't recognize the voice of the prank caller {vm}
- [8F12] A supercomputer is seen {vm}
- [8F23] Barney is heard fighting outside Moe's {fb}
- [9F01] Homer doesn't know what to do in case of fire {dh2}
- [9F15] Smithers reminds Burns of Homer's involvement in his life {fb}
- [9F17] Burns tries to pull the plug on someone {fb}
- [9F18] Homer's giant orange cowboy hat {ddg}
- [1F01], [2F16] Bobo appears {jh}
- [1F01] Burns' mother is seen {fb}
- [1F02] Burns can afford to sleep on his post {fb}
- [1F04] Burns associated with Dracula {sjb}
- [1F10] Homer wearing a big goofy cowboy hat {hl}
- [1F12] Smithers' outside-of-work attire is seen {vm}
- [1F16] A lot of things splatter on the windshield
- [1F21] Burns has German relatives {vm}
- [2F08] Smithers attends a gay bar like Homer in a lesbian bar {jh}
- [2F08] "Here comes the airplane" {fb}
- [2F09] Burns gets hit in the face
- [2F16] Burns' age said to be 104 {jl}
- [2F16] Smithers is fired
- [2F20] Burns gets involved in racing {fb}
- [3F04] Lard Lad Donuts is seen
- [3F04] Homer gets hit in the butt by a cone {fb}
- [3F06] Wiggum calls Burns "Mr. B"
- [3F06], [3F11] Anachronistic Burns (cf. the Postum [see below]) {jl}
- [3F11] Burns: "I pickled the figs myself", cf. "I smashed the beans
  myself".

=======================================================================
> Animation, Continuity, and other Goofs
=======================================================================

* In one of the drag races, the "Pre-Staged" and "Staged" lights are 
  lit before the dragsters are lined up; the "Staged" lights only light
  up when the dragsters' front ends touch a light beam so they can be
  lined up exactly 1/4 mile form the finish.  {ddg}

+ Burns didn't drink out of a spoon in 7F05, when he chugged down
  a tub of Duff with Homer at the baseball game.  {bjr}

c When Smithers was telling the race drivers to "keep it in first gear"
  the caption read "no audio".

+ Burns has already tried beer in 7F05, gotten drunk in 7F01, and
  shown his knowledge of ether in both 8F02 and 3F10.  {fb}

= The mace is not on the hook when Lenny scares Burns.  {fb}

+ If Burns doesn't know how to use a phone (which I'm pretty sure he's
  used before, too) how come he has one in his limo?  {mar}

* There is no connection between the monitor and the CPU on Smithers'
  computer.  {ddg}

c Smithers says "He's in an important meeting and can't be disturbed",
  but the CC says "interrupted" instead of "disturbed".

= Most of the fire disappears without a trace between acts.  {dh2}

+ Burns wants a dodo egg, but he used the phrase "dead as a dodo" in
  7G04.  {jl}

* Burns shouldn't have been able to talk legibly when he didn't have
  any of his dentures in his mouth. {ddg}

= When Homer gets up to cook Burns' breakfast, Marge's gown changes
  from yellow (making it look as though she's gone gownless that
  night) to light purple.  {bjr}

- When Marge woke up at 4:30, the bottom of her eyes were green.  {ddg}

- When Marge fell back asleep, her lips turned green for a moment when
  you could see her teeth.  {ddg}

+ Homer knows how to use a microwave.  {mar}

- Maggie's head is blue in the living room picture.  {dp}

- When Burns throws the book at Homer, it first hits Homer just above
  his right eye, but then continues forward and hits him in the back of
  the head.  {ddg}

c The captions simply say "( yelling )" when Burns says "You're a
  travesty of a troke of an assistant!"

+ Burns being 104 is consistent with 2F16, but not with 7F02 where
  he said he was 81.

= Mr. Burns pulls his hand back when he sees Homer in the mirror, but
  in the next shot, the mirror is instanteously back outside the door.
  {dh2}

+ There shouldn't be any kind of table in front of the door from
  which Mr. Burns could pull a coffee pot.  {dh2}

+ Moe's Tavern's phone number was 555-1236 in 7F15.

- Moe's bar is unusually un-"dank" when Burns calls.

+ Monty Burns already knows how to drive!  See 7F01, 7F10, 3F11.  {bjr}

= The paper shredder disappears.  {dh2}

+ Lisa is seen eating meat at both dinners. {ddg}

* The shape of the corner pockets on the pool table at Moe's make it
  impossible for any balls to fall in.  {ddg}

+ If I'm not mistaken, this was the first episode featuring Burns'
  mother (in the present).  If he moved in with a grisled, heartless
  billionaire, why would he still have contact with his birth mother?
  (If it was his foster mother, explain the remarkable resemblance!)
  {js}

= Mr. Burns' phone is at first beside his blotter, then partly atop it,
  then in the middle of the blotter.  {dh2}

= When Smithers hits Homer with the phone, it's black, but it's blue
  in all other scenes.  {dh2}

+ In all other episodes, the stuffed polar bear is a good distance from
  the window; not nearly close enough to the window for it to fall
  through it if it were tipped over.  {jl}

= The polar bear isn't near the window in all shots except for the ones
  where Burns climbs upon it.

+ In 1F01, Bobo was all moldy and worn-out; unless he was somehow
  restored, he miraculously looks much cleaner now.  {jh}

c Burns says "I'm completely self-reliant now" but the CC says "self-
  sufficient" instead of "self-reliant".

=======================================================================
> Comments and other observations
=======================================================================

>> Postum, the Breakfast Drink of Champions

Jose Lafaurie remarks, "Burns has got to be old... Postum is a coffee
    substitute invented by Charles W. Post (of Post Cereals) in 1896.
    He promoted it as the healthier substitute to coffee, and even
    offered cash prices to people who were able to switch their
    friends to Postum.  He also stayed at the Battle Creek Sanitarium,
    run by John H. Kellogg, and published a pamphlet entitled `The
    Road to Wellville' which showed how to stay healthy by using
    his products.  Incidentally, a (very bad) movie was made out of
    Kellogg's health spa in a movie named after that pamphlet.  I'm
    unsure if they still sell Postum now."

>> "Lying to congress" (So what else is new?)

Haynes Lee says it refers to "last year when around a dozen tobacco
    representatives told Congress bear-faced that they do not believe
    that smoking causes cancer."

>> Lady Burns' Lover

From Benjamin Robinson:  "President Taft succeeded Theodore Roosevelt
    in office during the early 1900's, so Mr. Burns' mom would indeed
    have to be very old today.  Of course, she could have had her
    affair with the former President during Taft's post-Presidential
    tenure on the Supreme Court, which would have made her a little
    younger."  Mark Richey adds that Taft was our largest president,
    weighing in at over 300 pounds.

>> President References (This is time I could be working...)

Dominik Halas says, "The shocking revelation of Mrs. Burns' affair
    makes Taft the (AFAIK) 25th President to be somehow referenced on
    the Simpsons.  As yet unreferenced are John Adams, James Madison,
    James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren, James K. Polk,
    Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Ulysses S. Grant,
    James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, Warren G. Harding,
    Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, and Harry S Truman."

>> Smithers and His, ah, Musical Preferences

Benjamin Robinson observes, "Boy, the writers must _really_ be getting
    tired of the `Is Smithers Gay?' thread.  Not only does Smithers
    call Burns from an obviously gay disco, but the song in the
    background is `Relax', from Frankie Goes to Hollywood.  One song
    obviously cannot be used to prove or disprove homosexuality
    (especially since this one was a big hit with the general public),
    but `Relax' has been closely associated with the gay community.
    The first video of this song supposedly showed a trip to some sort
    of gay leather bar.  This was promptly banned on British TV, and
    if they ever showed this version of the video in America, then I
    missed it."  The modified video showed Frankie Goes to Hollywood
    in a black stage with lots of lights.

Haynes Lee adds, "That song was used in the slightly more tasteful
    movie `Body Double' starring Melanie Griffith. It was the back-
    ground music of a love scene shot during a porn movie."

>> Burns' age (Perhaps we should cut him in half and count the rings)

Benjamin Robinson observes, "Mr. Burns is said (again) to be 104 years
    old.  No doubt many people will count this as a goof, since in an
    earlier episode (7F02) Burns said he was 81.  I'm inclined to
    believe the 104-year age, however.  Most of Burns' cultural
    references, even before the recent spate of `archaic Burns' jokes
    [which continue, see above --ed], seem to be from the turn of the
    century.  Furthermore, Burns is easily enough of an egomaniac
    to blithely shave two decades off his age.  I think Skinner just
    stumbled across the correct age somewhere (permanent records,
    maybe?) and let the rest of the world in on the secret."

>> Anchors aweigh to "Ahoy, hoy!"

This was an old greeting used on the phone.  Benjamin Robinson says,
    "When the phone was first coming into popular use, a problem
    arose:  What to say when you answer it?  Several alternatives
    were suggested, and one of them was `Ahoy!'  It looks as though
    Burns stuck with that, even as the rest of the world had moved
    on to `This had better be good' [or `What?!' --ed]."  Jason
    Hancock further adds that according to Cecil Adams' book "More
    of the Straight Dope" (1988) it was common to say this when
    answering the phone and was replaced by "Hello" as the time
    progressed.  Greg Franks adds that Alexander Graham Bell said
    this was the proper way to answer the phone.

>> Is Mother Burns the oldest woman in the world?

Jason Hancock and Mark Richey say "yes".  Jason Hancock: "The oldest
    living person in the world, Jeanne Calmert of Arles, France,
    celebrated her 121st birthday on February 21, 1996.  According to
    an Associated Press story dated February 22, `the Guiness Book of
    World Records lists Calmert as the oldest living person whose birth
    date can be authenticated by reliable records.'  If Mrs. Burns is
    indeed 122, as Smithers said she was, then she would be the oldest
    person in the world -- given that she has the sources to back it
    up."  She also smokes, BTW.  Maybe there is something in this
    moderation thing... (kidding!)

Haynes Lee says "no".  He reports that there exists a 124-year-old
    person, though he doesn't say whom.

>> Buddy Hodges: The Mystery Revealed

Buddy Hodges being gay was alluded to in 7F21, ``Three Men and a Comic
    Book'', where he cries because Dirk Richter was a "wonderful man".
    Someone looking just like him (with a tan; maybe he spent time in
    that resort before) appears in 9F06 as the salesperson of the
    Winfield estate.  As I see it, many fleeting celebrities,
    especially the one-hit wonders, later take on some inane job.
    Buddy Hodges probably became a salesperson.

=======================================================================
> Reviews
=======================================================================

Dale G. Abersold - After a poor first act, this gave me the biggest
    laughs I have had since the fifth season.  Personal biggest laughs:
    Lisa admonishing Bart for taking advantage of Homer, which she
    then tries herself; and the fight scene between Homer and Smithers.
    Hysterical!  Grade: A (A+ if the first act were better)

Frederic Briere - Finally!  Among the last 7 episodes, this was the
    first to really make me laugh; not at the top of my lungs, mind
    you, but it came without any effort.  Even if satire was nearly
    absent, there were some great lines of meta-humor which made this
    episode quite entertaining.  Grade: B.

Scott Burgmeyer - Grade: A.  This episode was great... I loved the
    phone messages about the car ("You have 30 minutes to move your
    car...") The show had many hidden plots (i.e. Smithers at a
    gay resort?  etc.)  This was a great show.

Anthony Dean - Overall, I thought this was a fairly good episode.  The
    scene with Homer punching Mr. Burns during one of Burns' critical
    tirades was great!  I would give this episode a B+.

Don Del Grande - B-plus - definitely the best of the February Sweeps
    episodes, although the ending could have been better (although I
    can't think up a decent ending for this story)

Dominik Halas - This episode was a great disappointment.  Homer,
    unfortunately, returned to complete idiocy, and Mr. Burns was at
    times simply pathetic.  Very few of the jokes were actually funny,
    and somehow, the whole structure of the episode felt off.  Grade:
    D.

Jason Hancock - WOW!  For the first time since 3F10, I can say that
    I liked this episode!  Barney's gag at Moe's had me laughing for
    the first time since Bart's round of Lee Carvallo's Putting
    Challenge.  There were other good gags too, including Burns'
    "prank" call to Moe's and the references that sohuld answer the
    "Is Smithers gay?" question once and for all.  Grade: A

Jeff Langr - All in all, not a great episode.  But I loved the
    Clockwork Orange bit at the end with Burns smacking away for more
    food.  Also for all the homocurious out there I would think the all
    male conga line answers the question.  Enough already.  B-

Haynes Lee - A typical you-can't-flop-with-Homer episode.  It was nice
    to see Smithers and Burns back.  However the phone prank scene
    fell flat.  Grade: A

Holly Loth - Ok, what's the story?  Tonight's episode sucked.  I think
    I laughed out loud maybe twice, and even then it wasn't what I'd
    call a guffaw.  And I've been noticing a distinct new trend in
    this direction this season (with a few exceptions).

Veronica Marquez - Been there, done that.  Not funny at all, except
    for that Clockwork Orange reference, but we had to wait to the end
    for that.  It Stunk Like Limburger.  D-.

John Murray - Grade: A-  What ever happened to the sub-plots?  This
    episode would be great if it had a sub-plot that was just as great
    as the main one.  But still a great episode.  Overall lots of
    really funny lines.  Anything Mr. Burns does is funny and they were
    able to use this without abusing it.  A good sub-plot would allow
    for some characters to be added, but this episode didn't really
    need it, especially compared some other ones this season.

Damian Penny - After a couple of subpar episodes, I was glad to see
    this one - just the thought of Mr. Burns trying to fend for himself
    without Smithers is funny, and it was made even better by Homer's
    total ineptitude as his new assistant.  Best of all, though, were
    the scenes of Smithers' vacation, which should FINALLY clear up the
    "homosexual v. Burns-sexual" flame wars once and for all!  Plus,
    the return of Bobo!  Grade: A-

Mark Richey - I don't know what it was about this episode.  Maybe it
    was the obvious plot recycling.  Maybe it was because Homer was
    dumber than usual.  But this episode just sat there.  It wasn't 
    really bad, it wasn't really good.  It was just there.  A few
    amusing things, a lot of dumb stuff.  I hope it gets better next
    week.  Grade: C.

Dan Ryazansky - Wow!  Finally, a great episode!  One of the best ever,
    IMHO.  Homer punching Burns was hilarious and one of the best
    scenes ever!  And Burns has a mother who is alive!  And Smithers
    IS gay!  (Is there any doubt now?)  Excellent!  Excellent!
    Excellent!  A+

Jim Smith - Another great episode.  It seemed more like sixth season
    stuff (which I regard as the most consistent, not necessarily best)
    that the rest from 1996.  It was on the level with "Marge Be Not
    Proud", "King-Size Homer", and "Mother Simpson".  Grade: A+

Yours Truly - The first act was a little off, but the episode slowly
    regained itself and became one of the all-time great Burns
    episodes for me.  Especially the "Clockwork Orange" reference
    that I've been dying to see.  I give this episode an A-.

AVERAGE GRADE: B/B+ (3.22)

=======================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {fb}
=======================================================================
% It seems that Mr. Burns is holding yet another employees-wife-and-no-
% more-than-three-children night, this time at the Springfield Dragway.

Smithers: [on mike] Testing, testing for Mr. Burns.
	  [to Burns] Here you go, sir, I've warmed up the crowd for
	  you.
   Burns: [in a wooden voice] Welcome employees. Come in!
	   [Smithers holds him a card]
	  The whole night's entertainment is on me.
	   [takes another card] Monty Burns!
	  [all cheer]
-- Burns' moving speech, "Homer the Smithers"

% Everybody takes their seats, Homer wearing a huge foam hat.

Announcer: Welcome, welcome, welcome to an evening of exciting
	   quarter-mile action, action, action! Our first race is a
	   benefit for daredevil Lance Murdoch, Murdoch, Murdoch, who's
	   hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver, liver, liver!
	    [crowd cheers]
    Homer: All right! Liver!
-- Ask the connoisseur, "Homer the Smithers"

% Two hot rods take place on the starting line.  Marge admires the 
% hot rods and asks the kids, "Boy, it sure would be fun to car-pool
% in one of those, huh kids?  I'd be a real hot rod mama, wouldn't I?
% Huh?"  Bart responds with "You missed the race, mama."  Marge watches
% the cars cross the finish line. "Mmm, I wish I'd pay more attention."

% Meanwhile, Smithers is giving Burns a teaspoon of Duff.

   Burns: Smithers, this beer isn't working. I don't feel any younger
	  or funkier.
Smithers: I'll switch to the tablespoon, sir.
-- As long as the bubbles don't burn your tongue, "Homer the Smithers"

Announcer: Coming up next, our feature race: the Nuclear Power Plant
	   Championship. Plant plant!
    Burns: Ah, at last. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars.
	    [watches the 2-second race]
    Burns: Oh, damnation, tell them to go slower!
 Smithers: Yes sir.
	    [meets the drivers]
	   Hi guys. Uh, can we keep it in first gear for a couple laps?
	    [they take off again, at an awfully low speed]
    Burns: [excited] Go! Go!
	   [mean] Slow down.
	    [the two drivers reluctantly look at each other, but do so]
	    [after crossing the line, they release their parachutes,
	     which don't even open]
    Burns: Excellent.
-- After all, I paid for this, "Homer the Smithers"

% The night is over and everyone walks away. Smithers is about to drive
% Burns home, but is asked to change his #1 "novelty foam hand" for a
% smaller one, as it is "ludicrously oversized".
%
% As Smithers goes away, Lenny happens to walk by and decides to thank
% his boss.

   Lenny: [drunk] Eh, Burnsie. This was some swell shindig. Thank you
	  very much!
   Burns: [frightened] Smithers, what's happening?
   Lenny: [even drunker] I had a great time. I just want to shake your
	  hand.
	   [Terrorized, Burns rolls up the window]
	  [his face stuck on the window] You're the greatest!
   Burns: Smithers, help!
-- The dangers of holding employees nights, "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers comes back to save Burns and escorts Lenny away, but cannot
% prevent him from turning back and giving a thumbs up to his boss. A
% frightening view.
%
% Along on the road, Burns comes out from under the seat.

   Burns: You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers.
	  And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread.
Smithers: I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
   Burns: Don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always
	  had my mace.
Smithers: Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you and
	  I'll never forgive myself.
	  [bangs his head on the steering wheel] Never, never, never...
	   [Burns rolls up the window between himself and Smithers]
	  [muffled] Never, never, never...
	   [phone ringing]
	  [on phone] Never, never, never!
-- Loyal and persistent, "Homer the Smithers"

% The next morning, at Burns' office.

Smithers: Good morning, sir! To make up for my failure last night, I
	  alphabetized your breakfast; you can start with the waffles
	  and work your way up to the zwieback. And, to prevent
	  newsprint from rubbing off on your hands, I've laminated
	  today's newspaper.
   Burns: I appreciate the thought, but my pen won't write on this. How
	  am I supposed to do the Junior Jumble?
Smithers: Oh, I can't even grovel properly! I'm a buffoon! I don't
	  deserve to live on your planet anymore!
-- By all means necessary, "Homer the Smithers"

% He swipes the head off the water fountain and proceeds to try to
% drown himself. Fortunately for him, Burns drains all the water by
% holding down the cold water button.

   Burns: Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a
	  long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you I'll wither
	  and die!
   Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.
-- Nothing can stop him, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: But what would you do without me, sir?
   Burns: Thuh! I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me.
	  [burps] You see?
-- You made your point, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Now, I insist that you take a vacation, just as soon as a
       temporary substitute can be found.
	[leads Smithers to the door and closes it]
       [from behind the door] Sheesh.
-- Smithers is overworked, "Homer the Smithers"

% That night, Smithers stays late at his office, busy working on his
% computer.

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me.
	  Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word
	  [types] "Incompetent"...
	   [computer reports: 714 matches found]
	  714 names? Better be more specific. [keeps typing] "lazy",
	  "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly"
	   [computer searches, then reports: 714 matches found]
	  Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
-- His reputation precedes him, "Homer the Smithers"

% At home, OFF is shoving down their food as usual...

I think Smithers picked _me_ because of my motivational skills.
Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
-- Homer, Employee of the month, "Homer the Smithers"

 Lisa: You know Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real
       shot in the arm.
Marge: [comes in, holding a bowl] You know Homer, assisting Mr. Burns
       could give your career a real shot in the arm.
 Lisa: Mom, I just said that.
Marge: [sarcastically] Soooorry! Next time get your own darn corn.
-- Broken Record time, "Homer the Smithers"

% The next day, at SNPP, Homer is getting used to Smithers' office.

   Homer: Um, is this the chair I'll be sitting on?
Smithers: Yeah.
	   [Homer plays with the chair]
	  Now, I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job,
	  but... actually it's just 2,800 small jobs.
   Homer: Uh huh. But this _is_ the chair, right?
Smithers: Your new duties will include: answering Mr. Burns' phone,
	  preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting
	  with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some
	  light typing.
-- Typing? My whole plan down the--, "Homer the Smithers"

% The phone rings...

Smithers: [answering] Montgomery Burns' office. Oh, hello Mrs. Burns.
	  I'll see if your son is available.
   Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must a hundred million years old!
Smithers: She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.
-- Does she watch `Matlock'?, "Homer the Smithers"

Smithers: I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a
	  very important meeting and can't be disturbed.
	   [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep]
-- A rested plant owner is a vigilant plant owner, "Homer the Smithers"          
	  
Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave
	  her for having that affair with president Taft.
   Homer: [chuckles] Taft, you old dog.
-- "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers is brushing Burns' teeth.

   Burns: [spits] Really Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your
	  replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he,
	  anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector
	  7-G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around
	  him in some way.
   Burns: Simpson, eh?
-- Rings a bell?, "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers is packing his luggage in the airport van.

   Homer: [yelling from his window] Uh, Mr. Smithers? I don't
	  understand 2,700 of my new duties.
Smithers: Well, the van's leaving; which one duty is giving you the
	  most trouble?
   Homer: Um... what do I do in case of fire?
Smithers: [muffled from inside the van] Sorry, can't hear you. Bye!
	   [the van leaves]
   Homer: [sits, then looks at Mr. Burns' office burning down]
	  Aw, just my luck.
-- When the fire starts to burn..., "Homer the Smithers"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 6'19"]
%
% Homer manages to get a hold on a fire extinguisher and put out the
% fire.

Burns: [gasps at his sight] Good Lord, Smithers, you look atrocious. I
       thought I told you to take a vacation.
Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement, Homer
       Simpson.
Burns: Ah yes, Simpson.
-- Well, they both have four fingers, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some
       steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system,
       and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: [taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part
       of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the
       things?
	[Burns looks at him meanly]
-- Efficiency at its best, "Homer the Smithers"

% Next morning, Homer wakes up at 4:30, and tries to put on his pants.
% Fitting his left leg into the pants' right leg poses no problem, but
% the absence of any possible way of reaching his goal from this very
% situation engenders a paradox too complex for his neural activity at
% this hour.

Lousy two-legged pants.
-- Homer's deep reflexions at 4:30, "Homer the Smithers"

Marge: Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't until 6.
Homer: I know, I'm taping it. I want to get to Burns' house bright and 
       early to make his breakfast.
Marge: Hmm, poor Homie. Poor, poor... [snores]
-- How compassionate, "Homer the Smithers"

% Homer walks in Burns' kitchen, and is lost by the diversity and
% complexity of all the equipment. "Hmm... one of these must be a
% breakfast maker," he wonders. Homer gets into the spirit: "Well, it's
% my job to cook him breakfast, and I'm gonna cook the best damn
% breakfast he ever ate." He tries to cook a shish kebab on the burner,
% but is puzzled when the whole thing ends up in flames. As his next
% attempt, he breaks the window of the microwave door, and inserts
% another shish kebab. The waves going through his arm don't seem to
% affect him, but this time it's the microwave which is burning. As a
% last resort, he pours some Corn Flakes and milk in a bowl, and gets
% annoyed when this breakfast ends up in the same way as his previous
% attempts.
%
% He finally comes up with a solution.

Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!
-- Mr. Burns, commenting on Homer's breakfast, "Homer the Smithers"

Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh... they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
-- Still needs to study `Advanced Marketing', "Homer the Smithers"

% Comes bath time...

Burns: Scrub harder. Got to get that layer of dead skin off.
Homer: [groans]
-- Burns' personal hygiene, "Homer the Smithers"

% Then it's denture-choosing time: "I think... the fangs today." Homer
% inserts the fanged denture, and Burns' jaw hangs in the air until
% Homer pushes it up.
%
% Later that day...

Burns: [from his office] Simpson? Simpson?
	[walks into Smithers' office]
       Did you get that report on the accounting department?
Homer: Yes sir, I did.
       [reads] "The accounting department is located on the 3rd floor.
       Its hours are 9am to 5pm. The head of this department is a Mr.
       Johnson or Johnstone."
-- `My report', by Homer Simpson, "Homer the Smithers"

% Yet a little later...

Homer: Here are your messages:
       "You have 30 minutes to move your car",
       "You have 10 minutes",
       "Your car has been impounded",
       "Your car has been crushed into a cube",
       "You have 30 minutes to move your cube".
	[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
-- More of a Frinkahedron, "Homer the Smithers"

   Homer: It's Mr. Smithers, he's calling for you.
Smithers: [on a beach] How's everything going there, sir? Well, I have
	  a lot of... free time on my hands. If you FedEx me your mail
	  I'd be happy to open it and return it to you.
   Burns: Everything's fine, Smithers. But this Simpson fellow seems to
	  be getting dumber by the minute, I've never seen anything
	  quite like it. Anywho, you just enjoy your vacation.
   Homer: [moans]
-- Nothing like being appreciated at work, "Homer the Smithers"

% That night at home, Homer can't keep his eyes open.

Homer: [snores]
 Bart: Look alive, Simpson, I'm not paying you to goldbrick.
Homer: [wakes up] Uh... Yes sir.
 Bart: Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show
       your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk tomorrow morning, sir.
 Lisa: Bart, leave Simpson alone! [whispering to Homer] Simpson, I need
       a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes sir.
Marge: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down
       and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I thing Mr. Burns wants me to do some long
       division.
Marge: [authoritatively] Simpson, lie down!
	[Homer does so]
       Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.
-- More obedient than the dog, "Homer the Smithers"

% As Homer sighs in relief and enjoys his rest, a loud bell can be
% heard, with Burns yelling "Simpson!".
%
% Homer rushes in Burns' manor, where Burns is ringing a tiny bell in a
% giant megaphone.

   Burns: The telephone has been ringing for some time.
	  [severely] Answer it.
   Homer: [answers] Yello.
	  [to Burns] It's for you.
Smithers: [on a public phone] Mr. Burns, 48 rings, are you all right?
	  What did Simpson do to you?
   Burns: Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his
	  incompetent boobery. Terrible at everything, a complete
	  moron!
	   [Homer is still holding the phone]
	  But I'm not really free to talk right now.
	  Look, stop calling me and enjoy your vacation. And remember,
	  I want to see lots of pictures when you get back.
Smithers:  [obviously calling from a "men only" bar]
	  Uh, actually sir, picture-taking is not allowed at this...
	  particular resort.
	   [a conga line of men forms behind him]
	  Oop, I gotta go now, there's a line forming behind me.
	   [joins in]
-- Nah, it can't be what it seems, "Homer the Smithers"

% Homer reluctantly walks into another typical day in the life of 
% Burns' assistant.  Burns turns on his desk lamp and is blinded.
% "60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?", he yells.

% At night, in bed, Burns' nightcap is solidified into a cone, thanks 
% to Homer forgetting to use light starch, and Burns yells while
% poking Homer with it.

% He just never can be satisfied...

Burns:  [throws his glass at Homer]
       You call this Postum?
	[bashes a 5-feet high pile of paper]
Burns: You call this a tax return?
	[bangs a CRAY with his cane]
Burns: You call this a supercomputer?
-- Our referee in the Win 95 vs. OS/2 struggle, "Homer the Smithers"

% Burns keeps yelling and throwing things at Homer, who can stands no
% more; after a long yell of despair, he smashes his fist in Burns'
% face, sending him to the floor. Realizing what he's done, he whimpers
% in fear before he runs off home, shuts the door and sits against it.

Marge: Is there something wrong, Homie?
Homer: No.
Marge: Except?
Homer: Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
-- Just asking, "Homer the Smithers"

 Lisa: What happened, Dad?
Homer: I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.
 Lisa: Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really really hurt him.
Marge: Okay, maybe everything's all right, maybe if you go apologize he
       won't even fire you. If he's alive.
-- That's what the `better hospitals' are for, "Homer the Smithers"

% Homer knocks on the door at Burns' office, but gets no response. It
% seems to be empty, yet some rapsy breathing can be heard. After
% looking around, Homer pokes behind a plant, and sees Burns hiding.
% Both gasp at each other's sight.

Homer: I'm really sorry I hit you Mr. Burns. Here, let me put some salt
       on that eye.
Burns: [frightened] No, please, I can't bear another trashing. Just
       leave me be!
Homer: Yes sir...
	[walks away]
Burns: Must call Smithers, he'll protect me from this beast.
	[looks at his phone]
       I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't
       seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers...
       S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
  Moe: Moe's tavern.
Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon.
  Moe: Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name
       Waylon is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna
       pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can
       watch kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your
       tongue to paint my boat!
-- The hunter has become the hunted, "Homer the Smithers"

% Burns puts the receiver in a drawer, locks it, and sits back behind
% the plant.  He bemoans his fate.  "Oh, Smithers, if you could only
% hear me..."  Back at the resort, Smithers senses these words and
% stops driving his boat, sending a pyramid of water-skiing men into
% it.

% Burns slides a mirror under the door to monitor the enemy...

Burns: Praise God. I think the thug has finally gone home for the day.
       Now, I can make my escape...
Homer: [shows into the mirror] Hi, Mr. Burns! You want your coffee now?
Burns: Uh, no. I'm making it myself!
	[takes a coffeepot, rattles it]
       Hear that? The percolations are imminent. No need to come in.
       Uh... cease your ingress!
-- Whatever that means it ain't good, "Homer the Smithers"

% Homer walks in later, to see Burns surrounded by coffee, sacks and
% beans spilled almost everywhere.

Burns: Stay back Homer, approach no further, coffee's already made. I
       stomped the beans myself.
Homer: Uh, well, can I at least drive you home, Mr. Burns? It's 5:00.
Burns: No! I thought, uh, I thought I'd chauffeur myself this evening.
       Yes, that's what I thought. How difficult could it be? I'm sure
       the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and
       which the deceleratrix, hmm?
-- Yeah, somewhere on the back, "Homer the Smithers"

% Behind the steering wheel, Burns drives recklessly while slowly
% learning that he enjoys doing things for himself, wrecking several
% things and nearly crashing into Chief Wiggum, who congratulates Burns
% on his reckless driving.

% The next day at the office, it's a new Mr. Burns who shows up.

Homer: Would you like me to shred those environmental reports for you,
       sir?
Burns: Already taken care of.
	[shreds the reports and throw them out the window]
Burns: [chuckles] Capucino, Simpson?
	[phone ringing]
       [answers] Ahoy-hoy? No, you have the wrong number. This is
       4-2-*4*-6. I suspect you need more practice working your
       telephone machine. Not at all. Ahoy!
Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you?
Burns: No, Homer, you've already done more for me than any man. Your
       brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that
       being waited on hand and foot is OK for your average Joe, but
       it's not for me.
-- But at least you can afford it, "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers comes just in time to see Burns hugging and thanking Homer.

Smithers: Oh my God! I knew I shouldn't have left...
   Burns: Ah, welcome back Smithers. Say, do you know Homer Simpson, he
	  pitched in around the office while you were away. Bang-up
	  job, Simpson, but I guess it's back to your trusty post in
	  sector 7-G.
Smithers: [sighs in relief] You heard the man, Simpson.
   Burns: Ah, and my dear dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at
	  all.
	  You're fired. Ta!
   Homer: [to Smithers] *You* shouldn't have gone away in vacation.
-- Then who'll release the hounds?, "Homer the Smithers"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 15'41"]
%
% At home, OFF is yet again chomping that so-called food of theirs.

Marge: Cheer up, Homie.
Homer: I just feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job
       was all he had. Imagine how _you'd_ feel Marge if you got fired
       from the... those... things that... you do.
Bart: Quick Mom, whip up a cake before Dad fires ya!
-- She can still take back her job at Mr. Burger, "Homer the Smithers"

% But Lisa comforts him: "Mr. Smithers is a resilient man, I'm sure he
% can get a great job at any corporation he wants."
%
% And indeed, he is about to enter the AT&T office -- which reveals to
% be NEAT & TIDY: Piano Movers. "Meet your new piano mover" he says,
% followed by his predictable visit to the hospital.  Hibbert tells
% Smithers that he'll need a steel rod for a spine.

% Next try is the Springfield Dragway.

Smithers: [on mike] Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action at the
	  Springfield Dragway. It'll be motorized mayhem mayhem mayhem.
	  [softly] Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right,
	  fair enough. I suppose you know your business.
	  [loud] Get ready for fun, fun, fun!
	  [soft] I... The people are already here, we don't... need to
	  keep hustling them like this, do we?
	  [angrily] Let go of me... Where are you throwing me?
	   [trash noises]
-- You're fired, fired, fired!, "Homer the Smithers"

% And guess where he ends up?  At Moe's Tavern.

Smithers: Uh, hello. You got a "Help Wanted" sign on the window?
     Moe: Yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer
	  delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely
	  off the truck.
Smithers: I'll just... wait out back until then.
  Barney: I look forward to working with you!
-- Does it takes credentials?, "Homer the Smithers"

% But Homer knows him better. "You can give up on yourself, and take
% the Barney-guarding job like so many have contemplated in our darkest
% moments, or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that
% can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back."
% Smithers admits he's right, but he's going to need Homer's help.
% Their conversation is interrupted by the 12 strokes of midnight.
% "Oh my God!" Moe yells, as the beer delivery truck is ransacked by
% Barney.  Moe can't bear to watch.

% At SNPP, Homer and Smithers are preparing their plan.  Smithers is
% planning to make Burns talk to his mother, whom he hates, and when
% she tears into him, Smithers will save the day.

% So Smithers calls Mrs. Burns.

Mrs. Burns: [on phone] Whot?
  Smithers: Hello, Mrs. Burns? This is Waylon Smithers. I have your son
	    Montgomery on the line...
Mrs. Burns: That improvident lackwit? Always too busy stridin' about
	    his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him
	    what-fors 'till he cries brassafrax!
-- We finally know where he gets it from, "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers puts her on hold.

Smithers: [chuckles] Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the
	  call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him I'll rush in and
	  save the day.
   Homer: Got it.
	  [pushes Speaker] I'm transfering a call in to you, Mr. Burns.
   Burns: [on intercom] No problemo!
   Homer: [hesitating between the four buttons] Uh... Ooh... Uh...
	   [pushes Disconnect]
	  [hearing the dial tone] Oh oh.
   Burns: [from his office] Ahoy-hoy? Hoy?
   Homer: [in falsetto] Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother.
Smithers: [whispering] No...
   Burns: Urg... Oh, hello mater. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on
	  you and all, uh... who could've known you'll pull through
	  and... live... for another 5 decades? Ohh, is my face red!
Smithers: [to Homer] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more
	  dessicated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!
   Homer: [cracking falsetto] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to
	  say I don't love you. You are a bad son Montel...
   Burns: [behind him] So...
   Homer: [screams]
   Burns: Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers, you must
	  have put him up to it. I'm glad I fired you.
   Homer: Ya really blew it this time, Smithers.
-- I didn't do it, "Homer the Smithers"

% Smithers can't take it anymore; he jumps on Homer and the two of them
% fight in Burns' office, choking each other.  "Stop that, stop that at
% once, you're fighting!", Burns pleads.  But that won't stop them.
% Homer delivers a punch to Smithers, who pulls on his hair strands in
% return.  "Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson!" Smithers yells, and
% Homer responds in kind by throwing a punch. Smithers counterattacks
% with a punch aimed at Homer's stomach, but his fist is stuck in that
% blob of fat. Homer takes the opportunity to taunt Smithers' head, but
% shouts out a well-deserved "D'oh!" when his opponent bites him.
%
% Burns tries to get their attention by blowing a paper bag, throwing a
% glass of water on them, and poking them with a stick.  Smithers
% "teaches" Homer how to use a phone by repeatedly slamming him with
% the receiver. Frightened, Burns finds refuge on top of his stuffed
% polar bear.
%
% Homer runs towards Smithers shouting "I'll show you!", but Smithers
% knows a few tricks: he opens Burns' safe and slams the door into
% Homer's face. Stunned, he walks back and hits the bear, which falls
% through the window and crashes into the ground, bringing Burns with
% him.  "Oh my..." Smithers says.

% That night, at his manor, Burns is resting at bed, wearing several
% casts.

Smithers: [feeding him] Here comes the endangered condor into the power
	  lines... I've got Bobo hot from the dryer. Careful not to burn
	  yourself on his eye.
   Burns: I don't need you to do any of this. I'm totally self-reliant
	  now. What I would like though is a Spanish peanut.
	   [Smithers hands him one]
	  Skin?
	   [Smithers skins it and puts it in Burns' mouth]
   Burns: [chewing] It's a remarkable thing, in the short time you were
	  gone, I learned to be completely self-reli...
	   [Smithers feeds him another peanut]
	  ...ant.
	  Oh, and as for that brutish fellow who knocked me out the
	  window, see that he gets what's coming to him.
Smithers: I already have, sir.
	   [Homer and his family enjoy a huge "Thank You" basket]
    Bart: What did you get that for?
   Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window.
    Bart: Makes sense to me.
    Lisa: Did he die?
   Homer: What am I, a doctor?
-- Looks like it's back to our wacky adventures, "Homer the Smithers"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21'28"]

=======================================================================
> Contributions
=======================================================================

{dga} - Dale G. Abersold
 {fb} - Frederic Briere
{sjb} - Scott Burgmeyer 
 {bc} - Ben Cohen
 {gg} - Gary Goldberg
{ddg} - Don Del Grande 
 {gf} - Greg Franks
{dh2} - Dominik Halas 
 {jh} - Jason Hancock
 {jl} - Jose Lafaurie
 {hl} - Haynes Lee
 {vm} - Veronica Marquez
 {dp} - Damian Penny
 {sp} - Serge Polishchuk
 {vr} - Vasant Ramamurthy
{mar} - Mark Richey
{bjr} - Benjamin Robinson
 {js} - Jim Smith

=======================================================================
> Legal crud
=======================================================================
The above compilation of observations, quote summaries, statistics, and
other miscellaneous information copyright 1996 Chips-Fey Productions.
Not to be used in a public forum without explicit permission from the
author (Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.) or his brother Jose Lafaurie.

Any quoted material above remains property of the original authors;
mainly, quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The
Simpsons, and copyright to Twentieth Century Fox.  The compilation is
copyrighted to Frederic Briere.  So don't sue.