Lemon of Troy                                        Written by Brent Forrester
                                                        Directed by Jim Reardon
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F22                       Original airdate in N.A.: 14-May-95
                                                  Capsule revision E, 22-Feb-97
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- The first amendment does not cover burping.
              The first amendment does not cover bu/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- In black-and-white, everybody runs in and, rather than sit
              down, waves their hands around in circles; they all have
              Mickey Mouse gloves on.  Recycled from 2F11.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
Tony Hill:
    ... Bart sees the wet cement sign eight cars away?
    ... Bart fantasizes about himself being smarter than Lisa?
    ... Bart can outthrow the pro baseballer?
    ... the grass is greener on the other side of the city line?
    ... Springfield and Shelbyville share a common border?
    ... a high waterfall is near Springfield?
    ... the Shelbyville skateboarder needs people to launch him?
    ... the Shelbyville zoo has at least ten tigers?
    ... Ned's RV has a satellite dish?
    ... the turnips look somewhat like the hemp Shelbyville mentioned?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Milhouse and Lewis don't appear to add any water to the lemon
        juice to make their lemonade.
    ... Shelbyvillians drink Fudd beer?
    ... the significance of the title comes from Homer's quip about the
        Trojan Horse?
    ... when the boys cross the line into Shelbyville, Milhouse has to
        drag Todd in, and Lisa is flying a kite with someone she's never
        been shown with before?
    ... Shelbyville has a Speed-E-Mart with a Korean owner?
    ... Shelbyville has Joe's Tavern with an owner who looks like Moe?
    ... Shelbyville Elementary has a female Willy?
    ... Shelbyville's answer to Bart wears the same things that Bart
        does, except that he has long pants and a purple (rather than
        red) cap?

Dave Hall:
    ... Todd, Martin and Data spend their time dancing around the lemon
        tree?
    ... the SNPP cooling towers can be seen from the lemon tree?
    ... the Springfield kids mostly wear shorts while the Shelbyville
        kids mostly wear pants?
    ... Shelbyville kids are mean?
    ... the burning tire yard?
    ... Milhouse has a kiddie swing set?
    ... Data's shirt sticks out of his pants?
    ... Data is in Bart's class?
    ... both Milhouse's and Data's eyeglasses are red?
    ... the apple on Mrs. Krabappel's desk?
    ... Martin doesn't have pens in his pocket?
    ... Milhouse wears red shoes with his camouflage clothing?
    ... Todd's fear of crossing over into Shelbyville?
    ... the Shelbyville's fire hydrant leak?
    ... Todd praying?
    ... Todd moves back a step when Milhouse says he's going to explode?
    ... Shelbyville has a statue of the town founder like Springfield?
    ... Homer pushes Ned into the RV?
    ... only the men climb into Ned's RV?
    ... the stop sign at the bottom of the hill?
    ... the outdoor antenna on Joe's roof?
    ... even Martin has his own Shelbyville twin?
    ... Homer doesn't wear an undershirt?
    ... Homer's hair strands are rooted at both ends?
    ... we only see Maggie at the dining room table?
    ... we don't see Nelson's dad in this episode?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... the model of the PT-109 (the boat John F. Kennedy was stationed
        on in WW II) in Milhouse's room?
    ... Shelbyville's Homer sounds like Walter Matthau -- just like
        Homer used to in season one?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Isotope player, Abe, Martin2, man 2 at
      gas station, Abe2)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Shelby)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Dr. Frink, man 2 in future, Milhouse2, Shelbyville
      Manhattan, Mr. Van Houten, big brother of Shelbyville lemonade
      boy, Nelson2, man 1 at gas station)
    - Harry Shearer (man 1 in future, Jebediah Springfield, Flanders,
      man 3 at gas station, Homer2)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (future tour guide, Milhouse, Database)
    - Tress MacNeille (?)
    - Maggie Roswell (Mrs. Van Houten, Shelbyville lemonade boy)
    - Russi Taylor (Martin)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + the Trojan horse legend
    - episode title
    - lemon tree glows and children dance around it like the garden of
      the Hesperides (tale of Heracles) {bk}
    - Homer's joke about no one having done anything like what they do
  + Cuyahoga River in Cleveland {th}
    - it caught fire (in 1969), like the lake near Springfield
  + "Alice in Wonderland" {tk}
    - Milhouse disappearing into the bushes makes him look like the
      Cheshire Cat in the Disney movie
  + Shakespeare death speeches {av}
    - Milhouse: "Is this the end of Milhouse?" sounds as though it's
      from Shakespeare (contrast to 9F04: "Is this the end of Zombie
      Shakespeare?")
  + Prince's "When Doves Cry"
    - Milhouse's line: "This is what it feels like when doves cry" is a
      paraphrase from the song
  + "The Road Warrior"
    - kids on hill watching other kids on bikes circling tree

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [7G05] Bart organizes a militia {th}
- [7G09] Ned's RV appears {dh}
- [7F05], [8F08] Springfield War Memorial Stadium is shown {dh}
- [8F04] Krusty walkie-talkies are used {dh}
- [8F04] Homer pulls a Homer and correctly notes the legendhood of the
  Trojan Horse story {av}
- [8F08], [8F12], [8F21], [9F12] The burning tire yard appears {dh}
- [8F19] Fudd beer appears {dh}
- [2F05] Bart: "I know you are, but what am I?"  {av}
- [2F11] Database appears {th}

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- Shelbyville Daily - "Once a week, every week."  {dh}
- Disguise kit:
 Baron von Costume's
  DELUXE DISGUISE
        KIT
 
- The fake tattoos: {dh}
    - Kill
    - Destroy
    - Motor Cycle
- Speed-E-Mart signs: {dh}
    - Fudd $8.99 case
    - Buzz Cola 69 cent Gal
    - No Littering

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
The dining room table looks weird in the establishing shot.  {dh}

Both Bart and Homer use both hands to hold their forks to eat.  {dh}

Marge's Isotopes hat magically appears on the dinning room table.  {dh}

Somehow Bart skates inside the stadium without knowing it.  {dh}

Milhouse doesn't have his backpack with him when he first runs off to
the Lemon tree.  {dh}

The tree stump beside the Lemon tree appears out of nowhere.  {dh}

In 9F15, Grampa says Shelbyville was originally called Morganville, but
in this episode, it's named after its founder.  {th}

The girl who usually sits behind Bart (with light blue hair and green-
lens glasses) disappears as the class heads out the door.  {ddg}

Todd isn't in Bart's class, so why was he with the others when they were
following Nelson?  {ddg}

All the kids leave the class but only some show up at the lemon tree.
{dh}

Todd's voice sounds different than it usually does.  (It can't be that
the voice actress wasn't there, as Nancy Cartwright is Todd's voice.)
{ddg}

Milhouse's fence switches from flat tops to points when Bart jumps over
it.  {dh}

Database appears out of nowhere at the town line.

Bart, Milhouse and Martin's backpacks vanish after they hide behind the
wall.  {dh}

Todd's periscope vanishes in some scenes.  {dh}

Martin's pens appear only when he's about to pounce on the kid.  {dh}

A second spray can appears in Bart's hand.  {dh}

The rear of Bart's skateboard is raised higher than usual.  {ddg}

If Bart knew the title of "Rocky VII", why didn't he just remember that
it was the seventh film?  For that matter, why didn't the person who put
up the sign just exit out the door through which Bart entered?  {ddg}

Why is Flanders' RV parked outside the Simpsons' house?  {dh}

When Ned pulls into the gas station, the door (which isn't usually on
the driver's side anyway) disappears.  {th}

Milhouse2's line about Bart's wig is done in the wrong voice.

Bart's paint disappears while he was skating.  {th}

The kid tailing Bart seems to disappear into the pavement while he
skates.  {th}

The note in the tiger den moves from between doors VII and VIII to being
on door VIII.

Data gains a backpack.  {dh}

The lemon tree appears to be planted in the impound lot in some scenes.
{dh}

The RV is well past the hospital, but Ned pulls in without making a U
turn.  {th}

The sliding gate isn't moving while Ned is trying to start the RV.  {th}

In 2F13, the only way out of Springfield was across the bridge; why is
there now an archway with a road leading into Shelbyville?  {wp}

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Ricardo Lafaurie: I found this episode quite funny, arguably the best of
    the sixth season for me (though I haven't seen the finale yet.)  The
    Gleaming the Cube reference and the Shelbyville reverse population
    was funniest for me.  Grade: A-.

Tony Hill: This was one of the better eps of this season!  The raucous
    "classic Bart" comedy was enhanced by the fact that there was only
    one plot.  If they created more episodes along this line, I'm sure
    there would be less whining in alt.tv.simpsons.  I give it an A!

Don Del Grande: C-plus - the jokes weren't very funny, and the story
    didn't particularly go anywhere, especially at the end.

Eric Stein: Well, it was an okay episode.  A little on the stupid side
    (at points, so stupid, it was funny).  I better see some improvement
    to the show, or it will be history soon.

Scott Matheson: This was definitely the BEST episode of the season, and
    one of the best I've seen, period.  The entire guerilla strike team
    angle, the Martin & Nelson scene where Nelson half-heartedly bails
    Martin out of a beating, and Lisa's line: "Bart's teaching guerilla
    combat in Shelbyville" were all great.

Michael Campbell: I thought it was a really well-written episode.
    Especially enjoyed the focus on Milhouse and Nelson.

Christine Tiplady: This was a good episode because of the kid stuff: the
    whole big standoff across the town line, and the wonderfully biting
    kid-style war of words, "Takes one to know one".  And the strange
    familiarity of seeing the neighborhood next door, where the hydrants
    are yellow and they drink Fudd beer!

Scott Fujimoto: This is the first episode I've enjoyed since "Lisa's
    Wedding."  It's essentially an "alternate Springfield" idea, but the
    writers managed to keep it fresh throughout the episode.  Most of
    the jokes worked, and I liked how the Roman Numerals joke was
    reworked later on.  And I liked the focus on the kids.  Grade: B.

Dan Saltzstein: I thought this past week's episode was absolutely
    hysterical.  My roommates and I watched it three times in a row,
    each time laughing, commenting on how many brilliant moments there
    were.  I could literally go from the opening moments to the end and
    have a funny bit from every sequence.

Aaron Varhola: It's good to see some plot after the past few weeks.
    This episode was similar to "Bart's Girlfriend"; a well-crafted
    plot, not hilarious, but solid and ironic, particularly with the
    Springfielders' Shelbyville doubles.  Grade: B+/B.

Yours truly: A fine episode.  I enjoyed the development of Shelbyville
    as the evil opposite of Springfield, with everyone having a
    counterpart.  Loved Martin skipping around Nelson and singing.
    Grade: B.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> Music in this episode

Tony Hill writes, "`When Doves Cry' was a hit song for Prince from the
    1984 film `Purple Rain'.  This season, we've had almost as many
    Prince jokes as we had Kennedy jokes last season.
    
    `What a Wonderful World' was written by George David Weiss and
    George Douglass.  It was a hit for Louis Armstrong in 1968 and again
    twenty years later when it was used in the film `Good Morning
    Vietnam.'"

>> The Trojan RV

Tony Hill says, "The trojan horse story is generally believed to be
    false, so Homer was correct."

>> More "Where is Springfield"

Tony Hill states, "Lemons only grow in the southern parts of the U.S.,
    and overland settlers generally came from the east."

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Frederic Briere.]
%
% It's a beautiful day for skateboarding.  Bart skates happily downtown
% when in the far distance he notices a sign.

 Bart: [gasps] "Wet cement"!  Is there any sweeter sign?  Well, maybe
       "High voltage".
        [skates towards it]
        [a safe full of jewels falls in front of him; he hops it]
Frink: Hello, son.  You want to try the flying motorcycle I just
       invented?
 Bart: No time.
Frink: OK -- [takes off]
-- Bart with a mission, "Lemon of Troy"

% Bart arrives at the cement and kneels before it.

    Bart: This is for the ages.
           [flash to futuristic city with people crowded around]
           [the word "Bart" is etched in the concrete]
   Woman: Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery.  Who was
          Bart?  And how did he manage to write his name in solid
          cement?
   Man 1: He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa -- about
          whom we know nothing.
   Man 2: Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology!
           [shoots a ray; Bart materializes]
    Bart: Ay, Caramba!
           [everyone applauds]
           [Bart pulls out a yoyo and starts using it]
Everyone: Ooh!  Aah.
   Man 1: What's normal to him amazes us.
   Man 2: He will be our new god.
Everyone: Yay!
-- The world according to Bart, "Lemon of Troy"

% Back in the present, Bart writes his name in the wet cement.

 Bart: Oh, good: somebody's shadow.  I'll just turn and brag about my
       work.  [turns] Aah!
Marge: Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property!
 Bart: It was an accident!
-- It was the best of times, "Lemon of Troy"

% At dinner, Marge scolds Bart in front of the rest of the family.

Marge: I can't believe you vandalized your own hometown, Bart.  What
       would Jebediah Springfield say?
 Bart: I think he'd be cool with it.
Marge: Oh.  Homer, will you please help me make a big deal of this?
Homer: What for?  Nobody cared when Bogart defaced that sidewalk in
       Hollywood.
-- Except Jebediah Hollywood, maybe, "Lemon of Troy"

Marge: Well, I'm just shocked by this whole family.  Whatever happened
       to good old-fashioned town pride?
 Lisa: It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.
Marge: Now just a darn minute.  This town is a part of who you are.
       This [holds one up] is a Springfield Isotopes cap.  When you wear
       it, you're wearing Springfield.  When you eat a fish from our
       river, you're eating Springfield.  When you make lemonade from
       our tree, you're drinking Springfield.
 Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.
Marge: Bart, you have roots in this town and you ought to show respect
       for it.  This town is a part of us all.  A part of us all.  A
       part of us all!  Sorry to repeat myself, but it'll help you
       remember.
        [later, Bart skateboards]
Marge: [in Bart's head] This town is a part of us all.  A part of us
       all.  A part of us all!
 Bart: Wow, that _does_ work.
-- Marge Mnemonic, "Lemon of Troy"

% {Bart skates past the practicing Isotopes.  "Hey," he calls, "gonna
% win some this season?"  A largish player calls back, "Gonna try."  He
% turns back to his teammate and throws the ball ineffectively towards
% him.}
%
% A plastic toy soldier descends into the waters of the river.  A fish
% takes the bait, to be hauled out by Nelson.

Nelson: When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats the German light
        infantry.
  Bart: Beautiful, aren't they.  [referring to the trout]
Nelson: Yup.  I'm gonna huck 'em at cars.
         [tosses one; it splats, tires screech, a crash is heard]
-- Ways to get aggression out, "Lemon of Troy"

% Milhouse and Lewis run a lemonade stand.

    Bart: Hey, Milhouse!  How's the lemonade business?
Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart.
           [Lisa holds a glass]
    Lisa: [to Bart] I don't even want any.  I just bought a pity glass.
Milhouse: [gasps] We've squozen our whole supply.  To the lemon tree!
-- Milhouse fail English?, "Lemon of Troy"

% Milhouse and Bart run off to the lemon tree.  They walk along a log
% across a river, then hop from stone to stone across another river
% (Milhouse gets a couple of soakers), then through a loose board in a
% fence (Milhouse gets hit on the head), then down a hill (Milhouse
% trips and bounces down it).  Through some bushes they spy the lemon
% tree, its aura palpable.  Database, Martin, and Todd dance joyously
% around it.  "Thar she grows," comments Milhouse with awe.
%
% Bart picks a lemon from the tree and sniffs it.

    Bart: You know, Milhouse, I've been thinking: this town ain't so
          bad.  Good friends, lots of lemons, numerous angel
          sightings...when you get right down to it, Springfield's a
          pretty cool place to live.
  Shelby: Springfield sucks!
           [a group of kids stands behind the Shelbyville town line]
    Bart: Hey!  Stop talking bad about my town, man.
  Shelby: Why don't you make me?
    Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.
  Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.
    Bart: Well, I know _you_ are, but what am I?
  Shelby: A garbage man.
    Bart: I know _you_ are, but what am I?
  Shelby: A garbage man.
    Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
  Shelby: A garbage man.
    Bart: Takes one to know one!
           [Shelby looks surprised]
Database: Checkmate!
-- Verbal sparring, "Lemon of Troy"

 Milhouse: Hey, kid: stop wearing your backpack over one shoulder.  We
           invented that, copycats.
Milhouse2: Uh, you copied us!
 Milhouse: Step over this line and say that!  I'll kick your butt!
           [quietly] ...at Nintendo.
            [Shelby tosses a rock over the line]
   Shelby: I just put a rock in your crummy town.
     Bart: That's a crud rock.  It belongs in Crudtown.
            [tries to lift it and fails; other kids laugh]
   Shelby: Look at the weak little baby.  You're stupid, you stupid weak
           baby!  C'mon, let's get out of here.
     Bart: Hey!  They're taking our lemons.
 Milhouse: We can't spare a single one!
            [the Springfield kids start hurling lemons at the other
           kids]
   Shelby: You just got citric acid in my eye!  You'll pay for that,
           Springfield.
      Abe: [seated nearby] Aw, some things never change.
 Milhouse: Hey, everybody.  An old man's talking!
-- Better pipe down and listen, then, "Lemon of Troy"

% They gather round to listen.

 Abe: Grampa's the name.  Did you know this tree dates back to frontier
      times?
Kids: Wow!  Frontier times. etc.
 Abe: Shut up!
-- Maybe intimate, but not interactive, "Lemon of Troy"

     Abe: It all began when Jebediah Springfield first came to these
          lands with his partner, Shelbyville Manhattan.
           [flash to pilgrims approaching a hilltop]
Jebediah: People, our search is over!  On this site we shall build a new
          town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast
          fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.
  Shelb.: Yes, _and_ marry our cousins.
Jebediah: I was -- what are you talking about, Shelbyville?  Why would
          we want to marry our cousins?
  Shelb.: Because they're so attractive.  I, I thought that was the
          whole point of this journey.
Jebediah: Absolutely not!
  Shelb.: I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right
          to marry their cousins.
Jebediah: Well, then, we'll form our own town.  Who will come and live a
          life devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I
          call rootmarm?
           [the people divide between Jebediah and Shelbyville]
     Abe: The town of Springfield was born on that day, and to mark that
          sweet moment, our people planted this lemon tree (lemons being
          the sweetest fruit available at the time).
-- From humble beginnings, "Lemon of Troy"

% In class, Mrs. Krabappel writes roman numerals on the blackboard.

    Bart: Those Shelbyville kids think they're so hot, but you know
          what?  They're not.
Milhouse: I really agree with you on this one, Bart.
    Edna: Class, please!  If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll
          never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted.
  Nelson: [bursting in] Everybody come quick!  Something's happened.  No
          time to explain.
           [all the children run out]
    Edna: No, children, no!  Your education is important.  Roman
          numerals, etcetera.  Whatever.  I tried!  [lights a cigarette]
-- Edna's best effort, "Lemon of Troy"

% The kids stop at a drinking fountain so Nelson can refresh himself.
% "Are you sure it wouldn't be faster," Milhouse pants, "to just tell us
% what happened?"  Nelson rebukes him: "No.  I said there's no time to
% explain and I stick by that."  They continue running until they get to
% the site of the lemon tree -- which has now vanished.

    Bart: The lemon tree's gone!
  Martin: And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville.
Database: Oh look, a clue.  A candy bar wrapper.
Milhouse: [contemptuous] Oh, they're _always_ eating candy in
          Shelbyville.  They _love_ the sweet taste.
    Bart: We got to get that tree back.
Database: Oh, you mean going to Shelbyville?  Heh, we'll never make it
          out alive.
    Bart: That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the
          backbone of our economy.  We'll get it back, or choke their
          rivers with our dead!
-- He meant "their dead", "Lemon of Troy"

% {At home, Marge vacuums under Homer's feet.}

Marge: {Where are you going, Bart?}
 Bart: {Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other
       day really got through to me.}
Marge: {[happy] Mmm!}
 Bart: {And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson.  [slams door]}
Marge: {I choose to take that literally.}
 Bart: {[outside] Death to Shelbyville!}
Homer: {Yes, Bart's a tutor now.  Tute on, son!  Tute on.}
-- Parental encouragement, "Lemon of Troy"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:40]
%
% Bart runs by Milhouse's place.  "Hey Milhouse!  Get your invasion
% supplies and let's go!"  Milhouse pulls a camouflage outfit from his
% closet and imagines putting it to use.  In his fantasy, he's being
% chased by some Shelbyville kids, but he steps in front of a bush and
% disappears.  The kids stop and look around, asking "Where did he go?"
% Milhouse calls, "Over here, my friends!"  His head moves to a
% different place and he sneers, "Or is it over _here_?"  His head keeps
% changing place and the other children's anger turns to fear.  "Yeah,"
% the real Milhouse says blissfully.
%
% At the town line, Bart assembles his men.

Bart: OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal
      sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and
      Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy.  And now,
      the time has come to cross this line into mystery and danger -- to
      step out of childhood and become men.
       [Bart steps over with trepidation]
       [the other kids follow]
       [in the background, Lisa and another girl cross the line freely
      while they fly a kite, giggling and cheering]
-- Bart delineates the roles, "Lemon of Troy"

% In Shelbyville, the troupe walk along.

  Bart: Remember: if you get lost, you can always find East by staring
        directly at the sun.
Martin: Here's a tip: put a pinch of sage in your boots, and all day
        long a spicy scent is your reward.
         [Nelson cuffs him]
-- Come home my bonny warrior, "Lemon of Troy"

 Milhouse: Oh my gosh!  Look: the fire hydrants here are yellow.
   Nelson: This place is starting to freak me out.
     Todd: [with a periscope] Danger coming...behind us!
            [they jump over a wall]
            [the Shelbyville's kids' dog growls]
Milhouse2: What is it, boy?  Is there something behind that wall we
           should beat up?
   Shelby: No time to check it out now.  We've got lemonade to sell.
            [they walk off]
Milhouse2: Huh.  Radical.
     Bart: They're getting rich off us!
 Milhouse: And the kid with the backpack said "radical".  _I_ say
           "radical".  That's my thing that I say!  I feel like I'm
           going to explode here...[shakes violently]
            [Todd steps back]
-- Milhouse's California roots, "Lemon of Troy"

% At home, Marge worries about where Bart could be.

Marge: It's almost lunch time.  Do you know where your brother is
       tutoring?
 Lisa: Pfft.  Tutoring?  The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla
       combat in Shelbyville.
Marge: Well, do you have a number where we can reach him?
 Lisa: No, Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville!
Marge: [gasps] Homer!  Come quick!  Bart's quit his tutoring job and
       joined a violence gang!
-- As opposed to a gang for peace and love, "Lemon of Troy"

% In Shelbyville, the trail of lemons peters out.

Database: Uh, the trail has become indistinct.  I suggest we split up to
          cover more ground.
    Bart: Good idea.  Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team.  Todd,
          you and Data are Team Strike Force.  Nelson, that leaves you
          and Martin.
  Martin: Team Discovery Channel!
  Nelson: [groaning] Oh...your wussiness better come in handy.
-- An unlikely pairing, "Lemon of Troy"

% The Springfield parents gather on the Simpson lawn to discuss the
% plight of their children.

       Ned: OK, folks, look: I called the police captain in Shelbyville.
            He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the
            morgue, he'll fax us.
 Mr. Van H: Oh, man, I _hate_ those Shelbyville jerks.
Mrs. Van H: Honey, _I_ was born in Shelbyville.
 Mr. Van H: And it tears me up inside!
     Marge: This is my fault.  I tried to teach Bart about town pride,
            but the power of my words filled him with a sort of madness.
     Homer: Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your
            one little speech.  If anything turned him bad, it's that
            time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear.
            _And_ let's not forget your little speech!
     Marge: Isn't there anything we can do?
     Homer: Yes there is!  Come on, everybody, let's go into Shelbyville
            and get those kids back ourselves.  I got an RV we can use:
            Flanderses!
  Everyone: Yay!  Let's do it. etc.
  Flanders: Well, OK, but you know, just go a little bit easy on --
     Homer: Pile in, everybody.  No time to wipe your feet.
-- Wouldn't want to waste valuable seconds, "Lemon of Troy"

% In Shelbyville, Martin and Nelson come across a boy making lemonade.
% Martin accosts him.

 Martin: OK, piglet, start squealing.  Where'd you get the lemons for
         this lemonade?
    Boy: Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix.  There's never been
         anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!
Brother: Hey, _nobody_ hassles my little brother.
 Martin: Hey!  And _no one_ manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Mundt.
         Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!
          [long pause; the kids look around]
 Nelson: Aw, jeez.  I never hang out with him, normally.
          [throws the brother off Martin]
 Martin: [skipping around Nelson and singing]
         Hark to the tale of Nelson,
         and the boy he loved so dear.
          [Nelson takes a swipe at him but misses]
         They remained the best of friends
         For years and years and years.
-- And there was much rejoicing, "Lemon of Troy"

% Bart watches a pair of boys through a telescope.

Milhouse: What are they saying?
    Bart: I'm not sure.
Milhouse: I thought you said you could read lips.
    Bart: I assumed I could.
-- Bart watches some kids from afar, "Lemon of Troy"

% Bart rues, "It's no use, Milhouse.  If we're going to find that lemon
% tree, I've _got_ to go undercover.  What I need is a new face."
% Milhouse pulls out "Baron Von Costume's Deluxe Disguise Kit" and
% grins, "You leave that to the Baron and me."
%
% Bart walks up to the Shelbyville kids wearing a black wig and with a
% scar on his right cheek.

   Bart: Hello, there, fellow Shelbyvillians.
Martin2: Wait a minute.  If you're from Shelbyville, how come we've
         never seen you at school?
   Bart: I don't go to school.
Nelson2: OK.  What's two plus two?
   Bart: Five.
Nelson2: Oh.  Story checks out.
-- Bart, diabolical, "Lemon of Troy"

   Shelby: We just got word there's Springfield kids in town.
            [all the kids growl]
     Bart: Curse those handsome devils!
   Shelby: We're going up to the bluffs to paint "Springfield sucks" in
           huge letters.  That way, whenever they look into Shelbyville,
           they will realize that they suck.
Milhouse2: Ho ho, radical!
 Milhouse: [on Bart's walkie talkie] Quit copying me!
   Shelby: You know, I wish there was a Springfield kid right now.  I'd
           fill his mouth with stinkbugs!
     Bart: No, not in my mouth!  ...uh, is what that kid would say.  To
           the bluffs!
-- Bart infiltrates the inner cadre, "Lemon of Troy"

% Ned pulls up at a gas station in his RV.

  Ned: [nervous] Well, a friendly Springfield "Hello" there, neighbors.
       Uh, you know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your
       town.
Man 1: Missing children?
Man 2: Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.
Man 3: Maybe that why we beat them at football nearly half the time,
       huh?
        [everyone laughs as Ned drives off]
-- The laws of probability, "Lemon of Troy"

% Up at the bluffs, Bart gets badgered.

   Shelby: Quit stalling, kid.  Write "Springfield sucks" in giant
           letters.
            [Bart groans, starts to do so]
           His can control is excellent.
Milhouse2: Yes.  And that wig makes him look a lot like one of the
           Beatles.
            [they all gasp: Bart has written "Springfield rules,
           suckers!"]
     Bart: That's right: the stranger who walks amongst you is me, Bart
           Simpson!
     Kids: Huh?
     Bart: You know, Bart Simpson?
            [kids look at each other]
     Bart: From Springfield?
   Shelby: He's from Springfield!  Get him!
-- The jig becomes up, "Lemon of Troy"

% The kids advance on him.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:52]
%
% As the gang of children advance on Bart, they lick tattoos onto their
% arms that say "Kill", "Destroy", and "Motor cycle".

  Bart: I'll use these spray cans as jet packs and fly to safety.  So
        long, losers!
         [succeeds only in spraying his feet green]
        Heh heh heh...
Shelby: You're dead...
  Bart: Uh...hey look!  Someone's attractive cousin!
         [the other kids turn to stare]
-- Bart knows his captors, "Lemon of Troy"

% Bart snickers as he grabs one kid's skateboard and rides off to
% safety.  "So," says Shelby, "he thinks he can out-skateboard me, huh?
% Launch me, boys!"  His friends give him a push and off he skates, down
% the same path as Bart.
%
% Bart's first hurdle is a barrier which he successfully hops; Shelby
% navigates it equally successfully.  Bart barely ducks under a swinging
% wrecking ball; Shelby ducks under it on its return journey.  Bart
% skates through a length of pipe and out; Shelby performs the stunt
% with equal skill.  The boys skate past a Speed-E-Mart with a Korean
% owner, past Joe's bar (replete with Moe-lookalike standing outside),
% and Shelbyville Elementary School where Willy's female double
% admonishes them: "Slow down, you sidewalk-surfing cube gleamers!"
%
% Bart manages to pull ahead of Shelby, only to get tossed off his board
% upon hitting a patch of wet cement.  "I could sure use that flying
% motorcycle now," he rues, pulling at the board.  Dr. Frink flies by on
% it: "You had your chance!"  Bart runs through the fence into the
% Shelbyville Zoo, the Shelbyville kids in hot pursuit.  He locks
% himself into a building with a sign reading "Danger: Tiger feeding
% area".
%
% "Ah...safe at last!" he sighs.  He notices twelve doors with roman
% numerals on them, and a note attached to door VIII: "Caution: exit
% through door 7 only.  All other rooms contain man-eating tigers."  The
% tigers growl hungrily.  "Roman numerals?  They never even _tried_ to
% teach us that in school."  The Shelbyville kids pound on the door.

     Bart: [on walkie talkie] Milhouse!  What's seven in roman numerals?
 Milhouse: I'll tell you, Bart, but you really should end each
           transmission with the word "over".  Over!
Milhouse2: [snatching Milhouse's walkie talkie] Correction: the only
           thing that's over is this transmission.
 Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?
Milhouse2: [pause] But Milhouse is my name!
 Milhouse: But I thought I was the only one!
Milhouse2: [shakes head] A pain I know all too well.
 Milhouse: So this is what it feels like...when doves cry.
-- The boy formerly known as "Milhouse", "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: [into walkie talkie] Milhouse...Milhouse!
      _Now_ what do I do?
       [pounding on outside door gets louder]
      I got it...I got it!
       [opens door IX; a tiger springs at him; he slams it]
      I don't got it.  Think, Bart.  _Where_ have you seen roman
      numerals before?  I know...Rocky V ["vee"]!  That was the fifth
      one.  So, Rocky five plus Rocky two equals...Rocky VII!  "Adrian's
      Revenge"!
-- Bart reasons his way out of the tiger lair, "Lemon of Troy"

% And not a minute too soon.  The other kids burst in just as Bart
% escapes through door VII and locks it shut behind him.  "Oh, it's no
% use," he moans walking away, "I'm _never_ going to find that tree.
% This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over
% there.  Wait a minute...there's a lemon behind that rock!"  He picks
% it up and looks up: "The tree!"  Except its base is inside the
% Shelbyville Car Impound Lot.
%
% The gang of Springfield children assemble on a hilltop overlooking the
% impound lot.  The Shelbyville children ride around it on motorbikes
% while the Springfield kids look through binoculars at it.

  Martin: Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!
Milhouse: We'll never get the tree back now.
    Bart: Keep your voices down, boys: we didn't come this far to get
          found out.
   Homer: [parting the bushes] Found 'em!  You kids are in _big_
          trouble, running away from home like this!
    Bart: But they stole our lemon tree.
   Homer: I don't care what excuse you've got.  _Nothing's_ going to
          stop me in the middle of this speech.  You're gonna -- lemon
          tree?!
-- Nothing except the hallowed lemon tree, "Lemon of Troy"

% Homer goes down to the impound lot gates to argue with Shelby's
% father.

 Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our
        forefathers.  Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
Homer2: Bust in here and take it?  You must be stupider than you look.
 Homer: Stupider like a fox!
         [tries to climb the fence; fails]
         [panting] I'm OK.
         [tries again; fails again]
Homer2: [chuckles] Don't you get it, Springfield?  It's over.  You lose!
        Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.
         [bites into a lemon; his face contorts at the bitterness]
-- So much for his teeth enamel, "Lemon of Troy"

% On the ride back, everyone is disappointed.

Homer: This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield.  If
       anybody wants me, I'll be in the shower.
 Bart: There's got to be a way to get that tree back...hey, look!  A
       hospital.  Pull in there!  [yanks the wheel]
Homer: Aah!  Oh, great, now I'm upside down.
-- Damn RV showers, "Lemon of Troy"

% Homer2 rides along later and sees the RV parked in the hospital zone.
% "Some thoughtless human being has parked in a hospital zone!" he says,
% driving his toe truck over and hitching the RV to it.  He drives the
% RV into the impound lot, shuts the gate on it, and parks his toe truck
% at home.
%
% Later that night, some shadows creep out of the RV.  "Hee hee hee, no
% one in history has ever done anything _this_ clever," chuckles a
% shadow that sounds like Homer.  They strap the tree to the roof of the
% RV.  "I'll get the gate," says Bart, but as soon as he opens it, an
% alarm goes off.  A ferocious dog runs after Bart, growling.  Homer
% assures Bart he'll take care of it, throwing the dog a steak.  It
% leaps in the air, catches it, and continues after Bart.  "Faster, son!
% He's got a taste for meat now!"  Bart jumps into the RV just in time
% as the dog's snout deforms the metal.

Homer2: Get out here, son.  There's a doin's a-transpiring!  Let's shut
        the gate and seal them in!
  Bart: Gun it, Flanders!
   Ned: It won't start.  Something's draining the battery.
 Homer: [using the oven] Sorry.
-- We eat first, then escape later, "Lemon of Troy"

% They drive toward the rapidly closing gate, barely scraping their way
% out (they lose a bumper and a tire).  Flanders moans, but Bart is
% ecstatic.

      Bart: We made it!
  Everyone: Yay!
     Homer: Woo hoo!
      Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
Bart+Homer: Eat my shorts!
       Ned: Yes, eat _all_ of our shirts.
             [Homer2 and Shelby shake their fists at them]
    Homer2: Ooh, you lousy Springfielders, you -- shake harder, boy!
-- That'll learn 'em, "Lemon of Troy"

% As the RV drives through the gate to Springfield, the tree catches on
% the archway and falls off.  They have to back up to get it.

     Abe: And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of
          Springfield.  They had brought the sacred tree back to its
          native soil, and though Flanders was stuck with the impound
          fee, he could easily afford it.
Milhouse: More lemonade, Bart?
    Bart: Absolutely.
           [Milhouse squeezes a tiny bit of juice in a glass]
Milhouse: [pouring sugar in] Say when.
     Abe: There are over fourteen parts of the lemon which are edible...
    Abe2: And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of
          Shelbyville.  They had banished the awful lemon tree forever,
          because it was haunted.  Now let's all celebrate with a cool
          glass of turnip juice.
-- That's why you buy juicers, "Lemon of Troy"

% The kids all grimace as they drink their turnip juice.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:59]
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {tk}  Torsten Kracke
   {bk}  Brandon Kremer
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)