Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One                      Written by Bill Oakley & Josh
                                                                    Weinstein  
                                                      Directed by Jeffrey Lynch
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F16                       Original airdate in N.A.: 21-May-95
                                                  Capsule revision H, 22-Feb-97
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- This is not a clue...or is it?
              This is not a clue.../ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family run past a constantly-repeating background
              which includes the couch and TV.  Recycled from 2F07.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
    ... "Mystery Science Theater 3000" playing on TV at Moe's?
    ... Burns' holster is empty when he falls on the sundial?
    ... Burns' hands point at "W" and "S" (or is that "M" and "S"?) when
        he falls on the sundial?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... how bright the sun is at the beginning of the episode?
    ... the trench coat in Skinner's office?
    ... Skinner's briefcase is almost empty?
    ... Leopold is at Oil Appreciation Day?
    ... Kearney calls Lisa a nerd?
    ... the large electric lights surrounding Burns' oil rig?
    ... the absence of "El Barto" graffiti on the animal hospital
        statues?
    ... Abe's wedding picture above his bed at the home?
    ... Burns calls Smithers by his first name, "Waylon"?
    ... the cigar box has hinges?
    ... OFF has a picture of SNPP in their living room?
    ... only Lenny doesn't look away when Burns asks if anyone has the
        nerve to stop him?
    ... Burns' gun is visible in the holster when he hangs off the
        lamppost?
    ... both of the Simpson cars in the parking lot?
    ... the shot comes from behind and to the right of Marge?
    ... a shot gets fired during the Gracie Films trailer?
    ... the clock strikes three when Burns falls onto the sundial?
    ... the sundial has compass points marked on it?

Don Del Grande:
    ... the basement of Springfield Elementary is built directly on
        earth?
    ... Mr. Burns' pinball machine sounds at least twenty years old?
    ... Mr. Burns is 104 years old?
    ... the tents outside the Springfield Retirement Castle after it
        falls into the hole?

Dave Hall:
    ... Skinner enters the classroom just a little after 7:00?
    ... Willy is reading a kid's book?
    ... the Custodial Department is a closet?
    ... Willy keeps an axe in his "closet"?
    ... Willy is a groundskeeper, yet he buries the gerbil in the school
        basement?
    ... the green vapor rising from the SNPP cooling towers?
    ... the goggle outline on the oil expert's face?
    ... Skinner throws like a girl?
    ... Lenny and Carl aren't wearing ID badges?
    ... Burns recognizes Guillermo even though his face his covered?
    ... Chalmers smokes cigars?
    ... Chalmers lights up even though there are no ashtrays in
        Skinner's office?
    ... Tito Puente seems to be Lisa's new musical mentor?
    ... Smithers isn't wearing his ID card when he enters Skinner's
        office?
    ... the diploma on Skinner's wall reads "W.  Seymour Skinner"?
    ... Homer and Lisa are using spoons to eat their dinner?
    ... the crow call whenever someone is on Burns' balcony?
    ... the Simpson family portrait includes the pets?
    ... Bart is sharing an ice cream cone with SLH?
    ... Maggie is alarmed for her brother?
    ... the lions with bandages and an arm-sling in front of the animal
        hospital?
    ... the picture of "Dogs Playing Poker" at the animal hospital?
    ... Lunch Lady Doris isn't smoking in this episode?
    ... Homer's pupils shrink after he rereads Burns' thank-you note?
    ... Barney isn't holding a beer mug?
    ... Moe's last name is Szyslak?
    ... Moe keeps a sawed-off shotgun behind the bar?
    ... the satellite dish on top of the Springfield Retirement Castle?
    ... Abe sleeps with his dentures in his mouth?
    ... Smither calls Burns "Monty"?
    ... Homer isn't wearing his seat belt?
    ... Homer uses yellow spray paint?
    ... Homer can see his handiwork in the dark?
    ... Patty and Selma aren't smoking?
    ... SLH places a paw on Bart's knee?
    ... Jebediah Springfield's picture hanging in the Town Hall?
    ... Lisa crosses her arms when she looks at Burns?
    ... where Sideshow Mel keeps his switchblade?
    ... Burns' remote has a very large range?
    ... Krusty only brought two suitcases on his six-week trip?
    ... Smithers walking away while Lunch Lady Doris is speaking?
    ... Maggie has a baby rattle?
    ... the box of bullets is missing from the cigar box too?

Chris Staves:
    ... the "Employee of the Month" photo behind Smithers is someone
        _other_ than Smithers?

Dominik Halas:
    ... the fluttering black shape in front of the air vent in Bart's
        class when he says "What reeks?"?
    ... the wall clock in Burns' office has roman numerals on it?
    ... this wall clock uses "IV" instead of the traditional "IIII" for
        "4"?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... the calendars in the SNPP are actually from May 1995 with May 1
        being a Monday?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... Burns remembers Bart as his would-be heir and not as the boy who
        saved his life?
    ... the blood on Mr. Burns' shirt (not on his jacket)?
    ... the crazy old man doesn't look away when Burns asks who has the
        guts to stop him?
    ... the small dot that appears in the lower-right corner of the
        frame when Skinner and Chalmers discuss what to do with the
        money?

Tony Hill:
    ... this episode opens after a holiday weekend?
    ... Willy hits oil right after mentioning the bog?
    ... Chalmers smokes in Skinner's office?
    ... students progress directly from Springfield Elementary to
        Springfield High School, skipping junior high?
    ... Tito says "Ay, caramba!"
    ... there are twelve Burnses in Homer's car, as though they're a
        jury?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Willy, man 1 with package, Homer, chemist,
      Barney, Abe, man in kiosk, Quimby, Sideshow Mel)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph, Kearney)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (man 3 with package, "Priority?" man, Chalmers,
      chemist, Guillermo, kid from high school, veterinarian, Moe, "Man
      alive!" man, Quimby's aide, crazy old man, McAllister, Apu, Snake,
      Carl, Wiggum)
    - Harry Shearer (Skinner, Burns, man 2 with package, Smithers,
      Lenny, Otto, Ned Flanders, Hibbert)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Tito Puente (himself)
- Also Starring
    - Doris Grau (Lunch Lady Doris)
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Jimbo)
    - Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover, female chemist)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + "Dallas"
    - episode title a reference to 1979 "Dallas" cliffhanger "Who Shot
      J.R.?"
    "The Flintstones" {ds}
    - couch scene similar in style to Flintstones when they run
  + a Purolater Courier ad {mk}
    - similar to old commercial with John Moschitta as the fast-talking
      exec
    "The Beverly Hillbillies" {mk}
    - oil is discovered while performing a mundane task
  + Maynard G. Krebs {av}
    - "Maynard G. Muskievote" refers to this beatnik played by Bob
      Denver in "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis"
  + Edwin Muskie {av}
    - "Monty Python's Flying Circus" {wp}
  + the 1000g weight falling on Homer's head
    - "Maynard G. Muskievote" also refers to this Democratic
      Presidential candidate from 1972 who cried during a public
      appearance and doomed himself
  + the board game "Monopoly" {mk}
    - Burns mentions the Electric Company, the Water Works, and the
      hotel on Baltic Avenue -- these all refer to the game
  + "Mystery Science Theater 3000"
    - playing on the TV in Moe's
  + "The X-Files" {mk}
    - woman chemist who walks into bar looks and sounds like Scully
  + "Goldfinger" {rl}/{jp}
    - the device Burns uses to make the miniature appear is straight
      from "Goldfinger" {jp}
    - Smithers' look, and his jumping out of the way, are similar to the
      scene in "Goldfinger" {rl}
  + "Singin' in the Rain" {mk}
    - Burns twirling around the lamppost
  + Paul Simon's "Feelin' Groovy"
    - "Hello lamppost!  Whatcha knowin'?" lifted straight from the song
  + "Psycho" {ph}
    - scene of Homer imagining Burns taunting him in the car similar
      {jp}
    - music when Homer rushes Burns sounds the same {bw}
    - Burns' shadow (just before he gets killed) looks as though it
      grows a bun -- just like Norman Bates' mother had
    - dialog before he gets killed is similar
  + "The Cosby Mysteries" {bw}
    - Hibbert (a Cosby parody) talks about not being able to solve the
      mystery

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [7F02] Executive Washroom design carries over to Executive Spa {mk}
- [8F11], [9F05], [1F18] Willy bares his chest {mk} {dh}
- [8F15] the hippie teacher and the oriental teacher reappear {av}
- [8F17], [9F17] the veterinarian appears {ddg}
- [8F17] SLH is Burns' guard dog {dh}
- [8F22] birds fly quickly out of trees {dh}
- [9F14], [1F04] Bart is connected to the Three Stooges {rl}
- [9F14] Moe points at the camera, which is actually Barney (cf. Hibbert
  and Wiggum) {rl}
- [1F01] Maggie gives Burns back his teddy bear {dh}
- [1F04] The Three Stooges occur in the context of resurrecting the dead
  {mk}
- [1F04] "Dogs Playing Poker" appears {mk}
- [1F16] Bart being Burns' heir {dh}
- [1F20] Moe is seen with a sawed-off shotgun {dh}
- [2F18] Marge and burying things in the yard {dh}

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- Skinner finds Superdude at 7:04.  {mk}
- Sign: {mk}
    EXECUTIVE  SPA
    --------------
   Physical Fitness
         For
    Better Tyranny
 
- Newspaper: {mk}
     S P R I N G F I E L D   S H O P P E R
     -------------------------------------
     Daily News                       Free
     -------------------------------------
            A W F U L   S C H O O L
           I S   A W F U L   R I C H
 
- Some budget proposals: {dh}
    - Willy: crystal bucket and new dirty blanket
    - Lunch Lady Doris: new kitchen staff
    - Lisa: Tito Puente jazz class
    - Ralph: chocolate microscopes
    - Otto: double guitars
    - Skinner: more rubber stamps
- Burns goes to see Skinner at 4:58.  {mk}
- Sign: {mk}
            B U R N S
     C O N S T R U C T I O N  C O.
      "Building A Better Tomorrow.
          ..... For Him."
 
- Banner: {mk}
         OIL
     APPRECIATION
          DAY
 
- Sign: {mk}
     BURNS SLANT-DRILLING CO.
 
- Sign: {mk}
     SPRINGFIELD
       ANIMAL
      HOSPITAL
 
- Sign: {mk}
      QUIET
     HOSPITAL
       ZONE
 
- The clock reads 3:42 when the Simpsons are at the animal hospital.
  {mk}
- Sign: {mk}
     CANINE TRAUMA WARD
 
- Moe's liquor license: {mk}
     L I Q U O R   L I C E N S E
      - - - - - - - - - - - - -
       For Express Use Within
      Springfield Cmmty Limits
       MOE SZYSLAK
 
- Newspaper: {mk}
     S P R I N G F I E L D   S H O P P E R
     -------------------------------------
     Daily News                       Free
     -------------------------------------
            B U R N S   P L A N S
          S U N S H I N E   H A L T
 
                        Special Section:
                        Your Guide to
                        Perpetual Darkness
 
     Town Meeting Friday
 
- Cigar box top: {mk}
        *  *
     TWO  STARS
       CIGARS
 
    - and "Habana" on the side
    - box has four loose bullets, the gun, and a box of bullets with one
      showing inside it
- Audience at town meeting, left to right, back to front, east side:
  {mk}
    - ???  -- Barney Gumbel -- ???  -- ???  -- ???
    - ???  -- ???  -- Comic shop guy -- Tito Puente -- Dewey Largo --
      Horatio McAllister
    - ???  -- ???  -- Waylon Smithers -- ???  -- Ned Flanders -- Maude
      Flanders
    - ???  -- Hans Moleman -- Edna Krabappel -- Elizabeth Hoover --
      (another teacher) -- Lionel Hutz
    - Lunch Lady Doris -- Mr. Winfield -- Sylvia Winfield --
      Groundskeeper Willy -- Oprah Winfrey -- ???
    - Julius Hibbert -- Mrs. Hibbert -- ???  -- Skinner's Mom -- Seymour
      Skinner -- ???
    - Patty Bouvier -- Selma Bouvier -- Abe Simpson -- Marge and Maggie
      Simpson -- Lisa Simpson -- Bart Simpson
    - Jacqueline Bouvier -- Jasper -- crazy old man -- Carl -- Lenny --
      Homer Simpson
- Audience at town meeting, left to right, back to front, wast side:
  {mk}
    - Otto Mann -- ???  -- ???  -- ???
    - Sideshow Mel -- Mrs. Van Houten -- Milhouse Van Houten -- Mr. Van
      Houten
    - Rod Flanders -- Todd Flanders -- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon -- Sanjay
      Nahasapeemapetilon
    - ???  -- Princess Kashmir -- Snake -- ???
    - ???  -- (drunk at bar) -- Moe -- (drunk at bar)
    - ???  -- ???  -- Herman -- ???
    - Ruth Powers -- ???  -- Helen Lovejoy -- Timothy Lovejoy
    - ???  -- ???  -- ???  -- ???
- Cars in Town Hall parking lot, among others: {mk}
    - Patty & Selma's Volkswagen Kubelwagen
    - Marge's station wagon
    - Homer's car
    - Mayor Quimby's limo
- The crowd at the sundial, left to right, front to back: {mk}
    - Chief Wiggum -- Bart Simpson
    - Helen Lovejoy -- Julius Hibbert -- Groundskeeper Willy -- Patty
      Bouvier -- Moe -- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon -- Marge and Maggie
      Simpson -- Ned Flanders -- Otto Mann
    - Tito Puente -- Mrs. Hibbert -- Selma Bouvier -- Barney Gumbel --
      Edna Krabappel -- Jimbo Jones -- Krusty

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
Willy's shovel disappears.  {dh}

The girl with light blue hair and green-lens glasses who sits behind
Bart now has blonde hair and clear-lens glasses.  {ddg}

Bart's classroom is on the second floor, not Lisa's.  {mk}

Bart's classroom is directly underneath Lisa's...but the oil gusher goes
through the front of Mrs. Krabappel's room and the back of Miss
Hoover's.  {ddg}

The calendar in the conference room has eight columns and four rows.
{dh2}

The express package doesn't have a To: address, and the return address
is on the wrong side of the envelope.  {mk}

When Burns' first lackey hands off the envelope, it has what appears to
be an "Air Mail" sticker justified right just above the word "LETTER"
but it isn't there when Monty hands it off.  {mk}

The package changes from having the lettering on the long way of the
envelope to the short way, and back again.  {mk}

The button on Burns' desk used to be for the chute to India in 1F07.
{mk}

A one-kilogram (1000-gram) weight falling from a tall ceiling should
hurt Homer more than that, especially if an edge hits him first.  {ddg}

Burns says "I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps", but
the captions give it as "electric" instead of "metric".  {rl}

There's no sign of oil anywhere when Skinner checks the damage on the
roof.  {dh}

Burns reads the back page of the Springfield Shopper, yet the oil story
appears on the front page.  {dh}

Why on earth would the Executive Spa lead into an _employee's_ elevator?
And why would Burns ride with the employees?  {mk}

The other employees in the elevator have their ID badges on, but Homer
doesn't.  (His says "Hello, my name is Homer Simpson".)  {mk}

Chalmers' cigar doesn't appear lit in some scenes.  {dh}

In 8F03, Skinner _did_ have a secretary.  {dh}

Skinner says that Monty Burns is 104, but in 7F02 Burns claims to be
only 81.  {mk}

Skinner's briefcase disappears in one scene.  {dh}

Burns' knit cap vanishes after he throws it down on the desk.

Burns leaves Skinner's door open when he leaves, but it is closed in
some scenes.  {dh}

Skinner's door changes color.  {dh}

Smithers fires the stapler in the wrong direction for staples to land on
top of Skinner's briefcase.

Marge's legs are drawn improperly in the establishing shot of dinner.
{dh}

At dinner, Bart and Lisa both eat right-handed.  {ddg}

Since when is Lisa (and not Martin) the school's top student?  {ddg}

Mrs. Krabappel's earrings are missing in some scenes.  {dh}

How did the pipe get from the school's derrick to the oil if the hole
didn't go straight down?  {ddg}

If Burns' well didn't start gushing until after the oil level had dipped
below the school well's pipe, how did the oil level drop?  {ddg}

How did SLH get into the treehouse?  {dh}

The Flanders' garage is missing when Homer swears.  {dh}

Burns' scale model of the town changes size.  {dh}

Burns' office rug changes shape and size.  {dh}

The model of where the mountain is in relation to the town hall differs
from the actual location.  {cpm}

One of Burns' guards jumps out of nowhere.  {dh}

Abe's newspaper vanishes.  {dh}

When Bart is first shown gripping the pistol, his right hand is around
the barrel; when the scene shifts to show Marge, Bart's right hand is
now underneath the bullet chamber.  {ddg}

The whole front yard of the Town Hall vanishes when Krusty arrives.
{dh}

Wouldn't blocking out the sun cost more money than Burns would be making
from the extra electricity?  {dh}

As Mr. Burns is walking on the sidewalk after the sun is blocked, he
casts one shadow, and that seems to be from a faraway light source.
{ws}

Burns' gun changes appearance in some scenes.  {dh}

Burns' jacket is buttoned up in some scenes.  {dh}

Homer's car is missing its license plate.  {dh}

Jimbo magically appears at the tree near where Burns gets shot.  {jry}

The compass directions on the sundial indicate the town hall faces
south, yet why is the setting sun visible looking out the doors?  The
town hall should face west, in that case.  {th2}

After this, the sundial rotates to the correct orientation.  {th2}

Krusty isn't wearing his bow tie when he first arrives, but later he is.
{js}

The Sun rises from the east and sets to the west.  Burns' sun-blocker
isn't nearly mobile enough to block the sun for the whole day.  {jp}

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
James Bennie: It seems everyone's so preoccupied with who shot Monty
    that no one's bothered to say (especially since this group has been
    full of posts bashing the last few episodes) that this was a great
    episode!  Some of the dialogue between Smithers and Monty was
    fabulous.

Sarah Trombley: I really liked this episode.  The sense of drama was
    skillfully created, and the jokes largely character-driven instead
    of merely surreal.  A promise of improvement for the next season?

Don Del Grande: A - but it just misses out to the Halloween Special for
    "best episode of the season".  How can Part Two top this?

Dominik Halas: I was laughing from the blackboard lines on.  This was
    truly a well done episode, worthy of being a season finale.  It is
    definitely up there with the other excellent episodes this season,
    like Lisa's Wedding and Sideshow Bob Roberts.  Grade: A.

Aaron Varhola: Oakley and Weinstein got away with broad portrayals of
    Mr. Burns as the amoral megalomaniac we know and hate, and Homer as
    the unwitting drone we remember from the first season.  This episode
    had to be made carefully, and it was; clues point to a number of
    suspects, and we get to see more of Smithers as a person.  A.

Scott Fujimoto: Well, speculations on who did it aside, I thought this
    show was pretty funny.  Lots of laughs (Skinner trying to fast-talk
    Chalmers, Burns not recognizing Homer).  Plus we get to see Burns at
    his fiendishly best.  All in all, a lively episode.  Grade: A/A-.

Benjamin Robinson: Lost in the rush to solve the Burns whodunit is the
    fact that this was a very good episode in its own right.  The most
    interesting point is that the writers actually were able to build
    _suspense_ as Mr. Burns systematically alienated the whole town.
    The real mystery is why all of this season's episodes couldn't be
    this good (8/11 -> A).

Ricardo Lafaurie: B+ - Now here's a good development - Burns gets what's
    been coming to him for a looong time!  Besides all that, it's a
    great episode except for Homer (the idea of killing him is a mite
    dumb) and Tito Puente (who stunk in here).

Tony Hill: I think the plot was rather well-done, except Homer's motive
    seems a bit far-fetched.  The Pete Porter gag was useless to the
    plot, and "not your idea" was not only the best line in the show, it
    showed Homer on a cognitive level he doesn't usually reach.  Despite
    the dearth of humor, I give it a B.

Yours truly: Second-best show of the season behind "Lisa's Wedding".
    The characterization was stellar, the jokes were top-notch, and
    everyone has a plausible motive.  I don't see how part two can
    possibly be better.  Grade: A+.

===============================================================================
> "Lisa Simpson is Comics Star"
  (from the NY Post, 25-Apr-95, typed in by Bill Walko)
===============================================================================
[Simpson comics] helps keep [Matt Groening] stoked about "The Simpsons"
as it completes its season, which will end Sunday, May 21, with a "Who
Shot Mr. Burns?" cliffhanger.

Groening indicates that "Simpson" producers have gone to [great]
extremes to preserve the mystery.  "We've got our misleads and fake
script pages -- even a little misleading animation," he says.

Anxious not to repeat some of the great missteps in cliffhangerdom,
Groening says, "I guarantee you it's not a dream."

Nor have the "Simpsons" producers imported a character they can
conveniently write off as the trigger-figure.

"It's a character on the show," Groening teases.  "I don't want to
exclude anyone.  I feel like Janet Reno."

While less-animated series have hit the creative wall by their fifth
years, Groening says "Simpsons" writers and producers have sketched out
a 1995-96 season that will maintain zaniness but revive emotional
undertones from earlier seasons.

Among the plot twists for next season: Homer's mother, is not, as we've
thought, dead.

Groening is uncertain whether there'll be anymore crossover visits with
former "Simpsons" producer Conan O'Brien.

Bart has made a cartoon visit to "Late Night" and Groening says he
hasn't been invited back to the real-life "Late Night" since his visit a
few months ago.

Says Groening, "I don't think Conan wanted to be reminded of his shady
past."

===============================================================================
> "Tying the Knots and Twisting the Plots"
  (from Entertainment Weekly No. 274, 12-May-95, typed in by Bill Walko)
===============================================================================
A season finale offers many a character a chance to settle old scores --
or rack up new ones.  Nearly every citizen in Springfield, having long
suffered at the hands of the sinister nuclear power plant owner, becomes
a suspect when "The Simpsons" poses the question, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?"
"We advise you to tape it and go through it frame by frame, not unlike
the Zapruder film," says executive producer Dave Mirkin, "and see if you
can come up with a theory of who shot Mr. Burns and why."  The answer
won't be revealed until the September season premiere and elaborate
precautions have been taken to guard the secret.  "Simpsons" creator
Matt Groening says, "We planted some misleads along the animation
assembly line, so that even if someone sneaks a peek, they're in for a
rude surprise."  Mr. Burns does survive.  "Fortunately, he hasn't
learned anything from the experience of being near death, which I do
admire," says Harry Shearer, Burns' voice.  "It accords with my sense of
how people are.  You can shoot them and they don't even learn."

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> "My Weekly Reader"

Willy the janitor is reading one of these at the start of the episode.
    Matthew Kurth opines, "This is a reference to the childrens'
    publication `Weekly Reader', a weekly digest of current events with
    review and other questions based on the reading."

>> Slant drilling

Brian Phillips says that slant drilling is hideously illegal in Texas,
    hence the joke about Burns advertising the fact that he's doing it
    on a sign with large letters.

>> "Feelin' Groovy"

Tony Hill writes, "`Feelin' Groovy,' also known as the `59th Street
    Bridge Song,' was written by Paul Simon for a Simon & Garfunkel
    album, "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme" in 1967."

>> Three o'clock

3:00 seems to be featured prominently in this episode:

    - The clock on the wall when Bart writes his punishment says 3:00.
    - The TV in Moe's bar features an ad for "Pardon My Zinger", which
      airs at 3:00; also, Smithers watches "Pardon My Zinger".
    - Burns says the sun will set at 3:00.
    - The clock bell rings 3:00 when Burns gets shot.

>> Where is Springfield?

Tony Hill notes, "The fact that the school apparently had the mineral
    rights suggests it's not in one of the states which once belonged to
    Mexico, since in those states, the mineral rights belong to the
    state."  Also, "The game `Monopoly' [which Burns refers to] is set
    in Atlantic City, New Jersey."  Lastly, "Grampa seemed to know
    intuitively 1) that an earthquake was in progress and 2) to go into
    the doorway.  This suggests that Springfield is along the Pacific
    Rim, or perhaps in southeastern Missouri."

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Frederic Briere.]
%
% (Huge special thanks to Gary Goldberg for doing a lot of work on this)
%
% The scene opens on the front of Springfield Elementary.  Principal
% Skinner enters the double doors, silhouetted.

Skinner: Ah, is there nothing so intoxicating as the school hallway at
         early morn?  [sniffs] Hmm, school normally doesn't smell so
         rank.
          [sniffs under his arm] Ah, washbasin fresh.  That funk must be
         coming from one of the classrooms.
          [enters a classroom; groans, covers nose with hankerchief]
          [sees gerbil in cage] Aw, poor fellow: crushed by his own
         waterbottle.
-- Skinner discovers the death of Superdude, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part
    One"

% Groundskeeper Willy reads "My Weekly Reader" in a custodial closet and
% chuckles when Skinner enters with a box.

Skinner: Willy, some time over the holiday weekend the beloved grade
         four gerbil, uh, Superdude, lost his life.  I need you to air
         out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.
          [Willy looks inside the box, gets a whiff]
  Willy: Gah!
          [cut to Willy digging a hole in the dirt]
         Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial.  Me own father
         got thrown in the bog.
-- With seventeen bullets in him, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% The groundskeeper notices black liquid oozing up from the bottom of
% the hole.  "What in the name of St. Ephisiocratus..." he begins as the
% ground shakes.  It splits, an oil gusher exploding from the hole,
% knocking Willy off his feet.
%
% In the fourth grade classroom, Mrs. Krabappel sprays a deodorizer over
% the gerbil cage.  The other kids hold their noses.

    Bart: Yuck!  What reeks?
  Nelson: [smug] Smells like one of Van Houten's.
Milhouse: It does not!
           [an oil gusher explodes between Bart and Milhouse]
           [the tiles under Ralph Wiggum's desk shake]
   Ralph: Miss Hoover?  The floor is shaking.
  Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you thought the --
           [gusher explodes through the ceiling, taking Ralph with it]
-- No Snagglepuss sightings this time, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Meanwhile at the power plant, Burns sits at the head of a long table
% with men in suits all eyeing him attentively.

    Burns: Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of
           utmost importance.  I need to send this parcel with the
           profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena.  And it
           absolutely, positively _has_ to be there overnight.
            [hands the package to the man to his right]
    Man 1: Pete Porter, pass it on.  [hands it on]
    Man 2: Pasadena promptly.  [hand it on]
    Man 3: Package to parcel processing, pronto.  [hands it to Smithers]
            [Smithers runs into the parcel processing room]
 Smithers: Forgot prende asked for highly pressing package of power
           plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena.
Attendant: Priority?
 Smithers: Precisely.
-- Pressing parcel processing, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% The attendant rises and rushes envelope to man at a desk.  The parcel
% changes hands several times until Homer ends up with it.  He glances
% at it and sprints to Mr. Burns' office.

Homer: [out of breath] Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
Burns: [sputters] My name is the return address, you senseless
       dunderpate.  Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: [thinking] Oh, I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't
       even know my name!  Well, that's gonna change right now!  [out
       loud] My name is Homer J. Simp -- ow!
        [Burns pushes a red button; a 1000g weight falls on Homer]
       -- son.
Burns: [muttering] Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it.  [sighs] I
       can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.
-- Talk to the Stonecutters, then, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% On the roof of Springfield Elementary, Skinner surveys the damage.

 Skinner: My lord, such destruction.
           [sees Chalmers climbing up onto the roof]
          Superintendent Chalmers, er, how are you going?
Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word
          "exploded" I immediately though of the word "Skinner"?!
 Skinner: [makes awkward noises of protest]
 Chemist: [holding a flask] Congratulations, gentlemen.  Your custodian
          struck oil.  You're standing on top of the richest elementary
          school in the state!
           [the two men look surprised and elated]
          We also found this.  [hands Skinner oil-coated gerbil]
 Skinner: Thank you, Superdude.
           [hurls the carcass away]
-- The magical divining gerbil, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Burns reads the news in the Springfield Shopper at the fitness center.

   Burns: A non-profit organization with oil...I won't allow it!
           [camera pulls back to show Burns with his feet up on a tandem
          exercise bike and Smithers pedaling]
          An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleedingheart
          and Maynard G. Muskievote!
Smithers: [panting] Sir, have you had [pant] enough...[pant] exercise
          for this morning?
   Burns: [getting up] No.  Let's go another twenty miles.
Smithers: [groaning] Oh...
           [Burns begins playing pinball in another room]
-- Ever since he was a young boy..., "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% {After exercizing, the two men enter an elevator, Smithers limping a
% little.}

    Burns: {Hello Lenny...Carl...Guillermo.  Hello, um, uh, er...}
           {[Homer waves his nametag back and forth]}
           {Ooh, uh...}
           {[the door opens; Smithers and Burns leave]}
    Lenny: {Don't take it so hard, Homer.  He's always screwing up
           people's names.}
Guillermo: {Yeah.  At the picnic, he thought my son Renaldo was my son
           Rolando.  Can you believe that?}
-- In the elevator, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% In Skinner's office, Seymour holds up a newspaper for the recalcitrant
% Chalmers.

 Skinner: Superintendent, we made the front page today!
           [holds up newspaper, covering word "Awful" in headline]
Chalmers: Uh, what's that say under your hand there?
 Skinner: Hmm?  Oh, it's an unrelated article.
Chalmers: It's an unrelated article?
 Skinner: [nodding] Mm hmm.
Chalmers: Within the banner headline?
 Skinner: Yes.  [puts the newspaper down] Now, to redirect our
          conversation slightly, I had a few ideas on how to spend this
          oil money.
Chalmers: Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship.
           [both burst out laughing]
 Skinner: Oh, mercy.  Seriously though...
-- No 78th-grade readers yet, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

Skinner: Before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and
         faculty have a few suggestions.
  Willy: I want a crystal bucket for my slopwater and a brand new filthy
         blanket.
          [Skinner stamps "Approved" on his clipboard]
  Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the
         kitchen.  I want to hire a new staff.  ["Approved"]
   Lisa: I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department.
         We've got a really great instructor lined up.  [opens door]
Skinner: [with Chalmers] Tito Puente!
          [Tito plays his bongos]
   Lisa: He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo
         circuit and settle into a nice teaching job.
   Tito: Man, it will be my pleasure.  Lisa has told me all your
         students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.
   Lisa: [nervous laugh] Let's go now, Mr. Puente.  ["Approved"]
  Ralph: Chocolate microscopes.  ["Approved"]
   Otto: You know those guitars, that are like, double guitars, you
         know?  ["Approved"]
Skinner: More rubber stamps.  ["Approved"]
-- The basic necessities, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

Smithers: [over intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary.
          There is one last student here to see you.
 Skinner: That's odd.  I don't have a secretary...or an intercom!  But
          send him in.
           [Burns enters dressed like Jimbo]
   Burns: Ahoy, there, Dean.  I understand you're taking suggestions
          from students, eh?
           [sits on desk; groans as his knee bends painfully]
          Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite
          corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy
          concern.
 Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns?
   Burns: Buh!
 Skinner: It _was_ naive of you think I would mistake this town's most
          prominent 104- year-old man for one of my elementary school
          students.
-- Burns tries his hand at skulduggery, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

   Burns: [menacing] I want that oil well.  I've got a monopoly to
          maintain!  I own the electric company, and the water works --
          plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue!
 Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.  This
          school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a
          blackhearted scoundrel like yourself.
   Burns: I see.  Then I'll just have to...attack you!
           [he flails like a sissy at the unflinching Skinner]
          I must have that oil.  [pants] Smithers...Smithers, help me
          subdue [pant] this beast.
Smithers: [walking in] Sorry sir, this was all I could find.
           ["fires" a stapler at Skinner]
          Take that, and that!
           [staples land uselessly on a briefcase]
 Skinner: Please don't waste those.
-- New fiduciary concerns, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 6:13]
%
% At dinner, the Simpsons discuss the news.

Marge: I'm happy for the school.  It sounds like this money's going to
       provide a lot of new opportunities.
 Bart: Big deal.  They didn't approve my idea; they said it was
       unfeasible.
 Lisa: It _is_ unfeasible to resurrect the dead, Bart.  And even if the
       Three Stooges _were_ alive I doubt they'd want to hang around
       with you.
 Bart: Oh yeah.  I guess they'd probably want to be with their families
       or something, huh?
Homer: Oh, I hate my job.  I mean, what's the point when your boss
       doesn't even remember your name?
Marge: I have an idea.
Homer: What?  What's your idea?
Marge: When my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent
       her a box of candy with his photo in it.  After that, she never
       forgot him.
Homer: That's all well and good, but it's not really _your_ idea, is it
       now, Marge?
-- Homer characteristically misses the point, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part
    One"

% Burns watches the work on the oil well proceed through binoculars.

   Burns: That's it.  Fumble about with your widgets and do-bobs.  It
          will all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to
          fruition.
           [looks through binoculars at his own drilling site: "Burns
          Construction Co.  Building a better tomorrow...for him"]
Smithers: Sir...[sighs] What I am about to say violates every
          sycophantic urge in my body, but I wish you would reconsider.
          This isn't a rival company your battling with: it's a school.
          People won't stand for it.
   Burns: Pish posh, it will be like taking candy from a baby.
           [sees a baby with some candy through the binoculars] Say,
          that sounds like a larf.  Let's try it right now.
-- A regular laff riot, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

Smithers: Er, um, there's some candy right here, Sir.  [points to a box]
          Why don't we eat this instead of stealing?
   Burns: Oh, very well.
           [they open it and start eating; a photo is slowly uncovered]
Smithers: Now look, there's a photo in here.
   Burns: Ah yes, I believe that's little Maggie Simpson, the baby who
          found my precious teddy bear Bobo.  Oh, and that Simpson mutt,
          my former guard dog.  Oh and um, that's uh, Bart Simpson, he
          was my heir for a brief period, you know?
Smithers: Yes sir, I remember.
           [later, they both look ill]
   Burns: Anything left?
Smithers: Uh, only the sour quince log, sir.
           [the log covers Homer's face]
   Burns: Ew!  Dispose of it.  And, uh, send a thank you note to Marge,
          Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.
-- The best-laid plans, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% A dedication ceremony takes place at Springfield Elementary.  Skinner
% stands at a podium in front of a crowd of parents and children.

Skinner: Today Springfield Elementary embarks on a new era: an era of
         unbridled spending where petrodollars will fuel our wildest
         educational fantasies.  These young minds will enjoy every
         academic advantage [chuckles] till they enter Springfield High
         School, which has no oil well.
    Kid: [from audience] We got an air hockey table!
Skinner: Fine.  Now to switch on our oil pump for the very first time,
         here's our top student, Lisa Simpson.
Kearney: [from audience] Nerd!
          [Lisa throws the switch]
          [a huge rumble is heard, but only a single drop of oil comes
         out]
Chemist: There's no pressure.  Someone else has tapped this well!
   Tito: Aye caramba!
-- Tito's stolen catch-phrase, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% The camera pans down through the earth, following the well pipe to
% where it stops just short of entering a large pool of trapped oil.
% There are straw sucking sounds as the camera pans left to another pipe
% sucking oil at an angle.  The camera follows this second pipe up to
% Mr. Burns' derrick, now lying at an acute angle to the ground.  The
% large sign in front now says "Burns Slant-Drilling Co."  Burns and
% Smithers stand next to the well wearing hardhats.

   Burns: Ah, soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its
          precious fluid.  Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?
Smithers: [not impressed] Ehh.
-- Burns watches his oil well, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% The ground rumbles and a mighty jet of oil bursts forth.  "Oil ho!"
% cries a worker.  "Huzzah!" cries Burns.  Bart and SLH are in the
% treehouse sharing an ice cream cone when they hear the rumbling.
% "Huh?" inquires Bart, just before his treehouse is destroyed by the
% gush of oil.  Bart stumbles through the wreckage, moaning, while SLH
% whimpers, his hind legs trapped under a board.  Maggie beckons Marge
% to the kitchen window.  When Marge sees the damage she exclaims, "Holy
% Christmas!"
%
% The Simpson family wait at the Springfield Animal Hospital.

   Vet: Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky,
         [SLH walks out with his hind legs in a cast on rollers]
        and he's free to go.  His legs should be as good as new in a few
        months, but in the meantime he'll have to use the wheelabout.
  Bart: I'll get even with whoever did this to you, boy, I swear it.
   Vet: Whoops, almost forgot.  Wouldn't want you gnawing on those
        casts, eh boy?
         [straps a lampshade-like thing around SLH's neck]
Nelson: Ha ha!
  Bird: [in cage in Nelson's hand] Ha ha!  [whistles]
-- Like owner, like pet, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Skinner calls his staff into his office for a talk.

Skinner: I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and
         his slant-drilling operation.  The oil belongs to whoever
         pumped it first.
  Willy: What about all the expensive stuff we wanted?  Can we still
         have it?
Skinner: No!
          [Willy tears his shirt open and sobs]
  Willy: Blast it!
Skinner: In fact, to pay for the construction and operation and
         demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to
         eliminate all nonessential programs: music --
          [Tito punches through his bongos]
         -- and maintenance.
  Willy: Argh, I'll kill that Mr. Burns!  And, er, _wound_ that Mr.
         Smithers.  Out of my way!  [he storms out]
-- A man with a mission, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Lisa hears the news on the phone.

 Lisa: [on phone] Oh no, that's awful, Mr. Puente.  What?  Oh, he owns
       the nuclear power plant.  Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash too.
        [hangs up] Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad.  He did send me this nice thank-you card.
 Lisa: [reading it] "Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie."  Dad, this doesn't
       have your name on it.
        [Homer looks closely at the card, then lowers it slowly]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
        [the kids run out]
        [standing up] F --
        [a church organ plays a chord; birds fly away; everyone stops]
  Ned: Dear Lord!  That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.
-- And he's probably heard plenty, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% At Moe's bar, a haze hangs in the air.

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer.  Sure, I'm all dizzy and
        nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
         [a man at the end of the bar slumps to the floor]
   Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting loaded of them fumes I'm gonna have
        to charge you.
         [two scientists in ecosuits walk in]
   Man: Man alive!  There are, uh, men alive in here.
 Woman: [holding a beeping detector] I'm detecting over twenty different
        toxins in the air.
         [Barney belches; the beeping increases in speed]
   Man: All right, everybody out!  As long as Burns is pumping oil, this
        bar is closed!
   Moe: Damned Burns.  Let me just get one thing.
         [pulls shotgun from behind the bar]
Barney: Me too!
         [pulls gun from his side] Ah: now _there's_ the inflated sense
        of self-esteem!
-- Barney, NRA card-carrier, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% At the Springfield Retirement Castle, Abe's room shakes.
% "Earthquake!" he cries, standing in a doorway.  Just as the shaking
% stops, the whole building falls part way into the ground as the oil
% from the underground cavern is sucked out.  Several old people call
% out "Nurse!"
%
% Next day, Smithers surveys the damage to the town caused by Burns'
% drilling operation.

Smithers: Well, Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the
          Elementary School, the local tavern, the old age home...you
          must be very proud.
   Burns: [stuffing money into his wallet] No, not while my greatest
          nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and
          energy.  I call this enemy...the sun.
           [throws a switch; a control panel appears at his desk]
           [another button slides the floor off a model of Springfield]
          Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the
          sun.  I will do the next best thing...block it out!
           [another button raises a shield over the model town]
Smithers: Good God!
-- Burns' dastardly plan revealed, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

   Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running
          all day long!
Smithers: But Sir!  Every plant and tree will die, owls will deafen us
          with incessant hooting...the town's sundial will be useless.
          I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably
          fiendish.
   Burns: I will not suffer your insubordination.  There has been a
          shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying,
          Waylon.  And you will fall into line, now!
Smithers: [pained] No...no, Monty, I won't.  Not until you step back
          from the brink of insanity.
   Burns: I'll do no such thing.  You're fired!
           [Smithers walks out]
           [Burns starts crushing things in the model]
   Burns: [laughing] Take that, Bowlerama!  [stomp] Take that,
          Convenience Mart!  [stomp] Take that, Nuclear Power Plan --
          [stomp] oh, fiddlesticks.
-- Fiddle dee dee, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:53]
%
% In the Simpson kitchen, Homer reads the Springfield Shopper with
% headlines "Burns Plans Sunshine Halt", "Special Section: Your Guide to
% Perpetual Darkness", and "Town Meeting Friday".

Marge: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate -- selfish,
       even.
        [Bart and Lisa walk in]
 Bart: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?...Dad?...Homer!
       [pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
        [Abe and kids all scream]
 Lisa: Sorry, Grampa.  It's just that for a second it looked like Dad
       had melted.
  Abe: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now.  I ain't going
       back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that
       sinkhole.
        [Marge walks to the table with two bowls]
Marge: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
  Abe: [whining] I want a bib too!
-- No perks at home, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Homer drives his car to work, but ghostly apparitions of Burns appear
% around him, tormenting him.  "Smithers, who is that ignoramus?
% Smithers, who is that lollygagger?  Who is the blubberpot?  Who is
% that baffleweed?  Lummox?  Puddinghead?  Beanhead?  Goon?
% Goldbricker?  Goofball?  Drizzlepuss?  Fumblefist?"  Homer cries out
% "Stop it" in a litany until all the apparitions cover their eyes as he
% crashes through the gate to the nuclear plant.  "Just a minute," says
% the guard inside the kiosk, raising the stub of the gate.
%
% Inside a darkened Burns' office, spray painting sounds accompany
% Homer's chuckling.

Burns: [turning on the light] Who the devil are you?
        [Homer has painted "I am Homer Simpson" on the wall]
Homer: [rushing Burns and shaking him] Homer Simpson!
Burns: What?
Homer: Homer Simpson!
Burns: What are you talking about?
Homer: Homer...
Burns: You're not making sense, man!
Homer: Shut up!  Homer Simpson!
Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying!
Homer: My name is Homer Simpson!
Burns: You're just babbling incoherently...
Homer: My name is Homer --
        [three guards rush in, restrain Homer, and drag him away]
       Oh, you're a dead man, Burns.  Oh, you're dead!  You're dead,
       Burns!
-- Homer gets serious, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Because of the damage to the Springfield Retirement Castle, Abe moves
% into the Simpson home.  Bart helps him unpack his suitcase when SLH
% rolls by on his cart.

  Abe: Hey, the lamp's running away!
 Bart: That's my dog, man!
  Abe: So long, lamp.  Now stop loafing and help your Grampa unpack.
        [Bart pulls out a cigar box and opens the top]
 Bart: [seeing a gun] Wow!
  Abe: That's my old Smith and Wesson.  If you're gonna play with it, be
       careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge: [walking in] Aah!  Bart, put that down!  Guns are very dangerous
       and I won't have them in this house.
        [takes it away]
  Abe: How can you have a house without a gun?  What if a bear came
       through that door?
Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to
       it.  [walks out]
  Abe: Geesh!  You should have fired into the air.  She would have run
       off!
-- Abe, ever practical, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% The meeting at the town hall features Diamond Joe at a podium
% surrounded by his bodyguards.

  Quimby: People, take it easy.  We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan
          to, uh, block out our sun.  It is time for decisive action.  I
          have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings,
          who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least
          give him the gist of it.
    Aide: [whispering] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
  Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you
          are stroking guns.  Therefore I will step aside and open up
          the floor.
           [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
Smithers: [crying] Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to...a
          friend.  But he fired me!  And now I spend my days drinking
          cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
 Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: {Ehh, it's not that bad.  I never miss "Pardon My Zinger".}
          {[Ned wraps a blanket around him]}
-- Weekdays at three p.m., "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

  Willy: {Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school.  And I'm
         too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.}
    Abe: {Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's
         collection of old sunbathing magazines.}
Old man: {You bastard!}
    Moe: I lost my bar!
 Barney: I lost his bar!
   Lisa: He robbed the school of music!
Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
   Tito: He robbed the school of Tito!
  Homer: He can't remember my name!
  Marge: He's causing us all to yell!  [Maggie sucks violently]
   Bart: Look what he did to my best friend!
          [camera pans to Milhouse eating cheezies]
         No, my dog!
          [SLH rolls in on his cart]
  Burns: [chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit.  Perhaps I
         can sell him a little oil?
-- Uncalled-for jokes, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% SLH growls at him.

      Bart: You twisted old monster!
             [runs at him; Burns pulls back his lapel and shows a gun]
     Burns: [scolds] I've decided to protect myself ever since I was
            attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.
     Homer: D'oh!
McAllister: Arr.  Burns, your scurvy schemes will earn ye a one way
            passage to the boneyard...
       Ned: I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.
       Mel: I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal
            machinations of hell's grim tyrant.  [flicks a switchblade]
      Otto: Yeah!
     Burns: Oh, you all talk big.  But who here has the guts to stop me?
             [camera pans across still audience]
            Mm hm.  Very well.  One last question: have you ever seen
            the sun set...at three p.m.?
McAllister: Aye, once.  When I was sailing 'round the arctic --
     Burns: Shut up, you!
-- Burns' diabolical plan unfolds, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% "Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!" he exhorts, pressing a
% button on a remote control.  A giant shield lifts out of a mountain
% and blocks out the sun.  Burns laughs uncontrollably as it does so.
% Krusty runs up the steps to the town hall in shorts with a suitcase
% and does his trademark laugh.  "I've been in Reno for six weeks.  Did
% I miss anything?"  When he sees everyone looking aghast, he turns
% around.  Everyone starts leaving in the gloom.

Doris: Eternal darkness.  Well, that's just great.
  Apu: Listen, someone's got to get that Mr. Burns.  Where is that gun-
       toting lowlife when you need one?
Snake: Sorry, I was in the can.
-- Even criminals have to go, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% Burns walks down the street and sighs, "Perpetual twilight, bathed in
% the glow of Burns brand electricity."  He jumps onto a lamppost and
% rhymes, "Hello, lamppost.  Whatcha knowin'?  I've come to watch
% your...power flowin'."
%
% Back at the town hall, Carl reaches for a jacket.  "That's odd," he
% remarks, "Mr. Smithers left his jacket behind."  The camera cuts back
% to an overhead view of Mr. Burns walking down the street and
% whistling.
%
% Otto, still in the Town Hall, observes, "Whoa, that's odd.  Principal
% Skinner left his mother behind."  Burns walks past a park bench
% humming.
%
% Marge loads Maggie into the station wagon.  She looks around: "That's
% odd.  Where's Homer?  And Bart?  And Lisa?  And Grampa?"  Mr. Burns is
% humming and walking down yet another street.  The camera cuts to the
% Simpson yard where the gun box sits open and empty atop a pile of
% dirt.
%
% Burns says to himself, "After all these years, things are finally
% starting to go my way.  I feel like celebrating."  He walks past the
% corner of a building; only his shadow is visible.  Suddenly, he stops
% walking.  Burns says, "I -- oh, it's you.  What are you so happy
% about?...I see.  I think you'd better drop it.  I said, drop it!"
% Some noises of Burns struggling are heard, after which he says, "Get
% your hands off!"
%
% The camera cuts back to Marge who asks, "Where is everybody?"  A
% gunshot is heard.  Burns stumbles from around a corner, gasping, a
% bullet wound on the left side of his chest.  Jimbo asks him, "Hey,
% man, are you OK?"  Burns stammers, "I won't dignify that with a
% response," then collapses on the sundial.

  Selma: Mr. Burns has been shot.
 Wiggum: Just a minute!  This isn't Mr. Burns at all!  It's a mask!
          [pulls at his face a little]
         Wait, it _is_ Burns.  Heh, his wrinkly skin, it...looks like a
         mask.
  Marge: I don't think we'll ever know who did this.  Everyone in town's
         a suspect.
Hibbert: Heh heh heh.  Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery.
         Can..._you_?  [points at camera]
          [camera pulls back to reveal that he's pointing at Wiggum]
 Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot, I mean, you know, it's my job,
         right?
-- To be continued, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:01]
%
% The music over the closing credits is somber and serious, the melody
% played by a single trumpet a la Taps (over a military drum beat).  A
% shot is heard during the Gracie Films music.
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh2} Dominik Halas
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th2} Tim Harrod
   {ph}  Paul Hodgdon
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {cpm} C. P. Moebius
   {jp}  Jussi Pakkanen
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
   {ws}  William Schneeberger
   {ds}  Dan Siemens
   {js}  John Smolka
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
   {bw}  Bill Walko
   {jry} Jeremy Yospin
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)