Bart's Comet Written by John Swartzwelder Directed by Bob Anderson =============================================================================== Production code: 2F11 Original airdate in N.A.: 5-Feb-95 Capsule revision C, 3-Jan-96 =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Blackboard :- Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does. Cursive writing does not mean/ at cutoff. Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro. Couch :- In black-and-white, everybody runs in and, rather than sit down, waves their hands around in circles; they all have Mickey Mouse gloves on. {ddg} =============================================================================== > Did you notice... =============================================================================== ... the observatory's phone number is 325-6753? ... Waldo is inside the shelter too? ... the chihuahua next to Bart when the comet lands? Tony Hill: ... Skinner has previously caned Bart? ... Springfield's observatory is staffed round the clock? ... the balloon is able to buoy Skinner briefly? ... Springfield has both morning and evening papers? ... the penguins fly away? ... the animal guesses were related to the characters: Wiggum's pig, Bart's cow, Lisa's pony? ... Ned sings the female version of "Whatever Will Be, Will Be"? Don Del Grande: ... Comet Bart Simpson was found at Right Ascension 4 hours 12 minutes, Declination 8 degrees 7 minutes? ... the professor's last name is Frink? Warren Hagey: ... Professor Frink wears canvas shoes? ... Nelson has Milhouse in a headlock in the shelter? Aaron Varhola: ... in the rock-throwing scene, one of the twins is left-handed, Nelson is left-handed, Jimbo is right-handed, and Groundskeeper Willy shoots left-handed? Vaughn Jett: ... Skinner says that Bart has "impeded science" by putting the banner on the balloon? ... the Springfield Shopper calls the people of Springfield "Springfieldianites"? ... Dr. Hibbert believes a female sheep is a goat? Dave Hall: ... there are no teachers with the students during the balloon release? ... Bart's slingshot, firecrackers and cherry bomb? ... Marge throws away food? ... all the lights are on when Bart leaves the house? ... Bart rides through the oil on the driveway? ... Martin, Sherri and Terri are sitting next to Wendell? ... Lisa doesn't have a nickname? ... Lisa is the only female member of the "Super Friends" club? ... the SNPP cooling towers can be seen from the school cafeteria? ... Moe's Tavern is the only structure labeled in the miniature town? ... Quimby refers to the comet as "Mr. Comet"? ... no one, not even Maggie, wears a seat belt? ... the same repeating background scenery as Homer drives home? ... Springfield has an armory? ... how clean Springfield's streets are? ... Flanders' bomb shelter has a picture of a Dove that reads "Peace"? ... all those people know Flanders had a bomb shelter? ... Quimby doesn't have his bodyguards in the shelter? Jon Bigelow: ... the sign reads "ONLY BRIDGE OUT OF TOWN" until it blows up, whereafter it reads "BRIDGE OUT"? Matthew Kurth: ... the touch-tone telephone in the couch gag? ... the VCR in the couch gag? ... the cable box on top of the VCR? =============================================================================== > Voice credits =============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Willy, Homer, pilot 2, Abe, Quimby, hysterical man, Arnie Pie, Barney, Krusty) - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Email, Todd) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (pilot 1, Warren, Moe, Dr. Frink, congressman, Wiggum, Apu) - Harry Shearer (Skinner, early morning DJ, Report Card, Jasper, Lovejoy, Kent, House Speaker, Ned, Hibbert, Otto, McAllister) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Jimbo, observatory woman, Database) - Maggie Roswell (Ham, Maude) =============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references =============================================================================== + "Airwolf" {wp} - jets' radar system very similar to that in futuristic helicopters in "Airwolf" + "Back to the Future" {mk} - alarm clock at 4 a.m. - Bart biking out of the garage similar to Marty McFly - Dr. Frink's model which catches fire, similar to the Hill Valley model + "The Three Stooges" - the three wise men in the sky look like them + Twilight Zone episode "The Monsters Are Coming to Maple Street" {el} - shelter with neighbors trying to get in + "Gilligan's Island" {ddg} - one person leaves a shelter, and the others follow, just before the shelter is destroyed + "The Doris Day Show" {jl} - the theme song is sung by Ned - Day runs over the hills in her show, just like the Springfieldianites =============================================================================== > Previous episode references =============================================================================== - [MG20] OFF takes to a bomb shelter {mk} - [7F23] The Leftorium {av} - [8F01] Springfield's senator reappears {av} - [8F02] (the Monkey's Paw) a shadow appears over Jeb Springfield {mk} - [9F14] Skinner screams "Nooo!" {wch} - [1F11] "School is for losers!" {av} =============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun =============================================================================== - Sign: {mk} HI! I'M BIG BUTT SKINNER - Items in Bart's pockets: {mk} - slingshot - dollar bills - baseball - balloon plans/photos - smoke bomb - firecracker - penny - quarter - Springfield Shopper headline: {dh} - PREZ SEZ: "SCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS" - The Super Friends' gestures upon meeting Bart: {dh} - Ham: hand to chest - Email: hand wave - Cosine: head nod - Report Card: puts pencil in shirt pocket - Database: shakes eyeglasses - Lisa: raises eyebrows - Springfield Shopper headline: {dh} - ROCKET TO KICK COMET'S TAIL - subheading: Mayor Visits City - List of gay people (first provided by {th} and {gg}; listed most fully by {ddg}): - MATT GROENING, Executive Producer - KEN TSUMARA, Animation Co-Producer for Gracie Films - GEORGE MEYER, Co-Executive Producer - JOEL KUWAHARA, Assistant to the Producers - BILL OAKLEY, Supervising Producer - ELIZABETH JACOBS, Assistant to Mr. Mirkin - JOSH WEINSTEIN, Supervising Producer - JANE O'BRIEN, Assistant to the Producers - ANNETTE ANDERSEN, Assistant to Mr. Groening - JENNIFER CRITTENDEN, Staff Writer - MIKE SCULLY, Producer - DOMINIQUE BRAUD-STIGER, Post Production Assistant - GREG DANIELS, Producer - Produced by JOSEPH BOUCHER - AL JEAN, Consulting Producer - PING WARNER, Post Production Assistant - MIKE REISS, Consulting Producer - CRAIG FEENEY, Assistant to the Producers - Produced by RICHARD RAYNISS - DON GILBERT, Assistant to the Producers - DAVID MIRKIN, Executive Producer - JACQUELINE ATKINS, Assistant to the Producers - CHRIS LEDESMA, Music Editor - MARK McJIMSEY, Dialogue Sound Editor - Music by ALF CLAUSEN - ALISON ELLIOTT, Post-Production Supervisor - Produced by DAVID SILVERMAN - DAVID COHEN, Story Editor - Only the top half of the last name appeared, so I'm not sure if it's correct: N. VYOLET DIAZ (no reference in the credits) - Note that the writer's and director's names are absent... - Outside the shelter: {ddg} - Willy, Dolph, Skinner, Jimbo, Nick Riviera, Captain McAllister, Otto, Carl, Quimby, Apu, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Krusty, Dr. Hibbert, Barney, and Nelson - When everybody enters, also inside (besides the Flanders and Simpsons) are Reverend and Mrs. Lovejoy, Mrs. Hibbert, Milhouse, Lenny, Kearney, Patty, Selma, and Waldo (as in "Where's...") - When everybody leaves, Mr. Largo and Sideshow Mel are there as well =============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs =============================================================================== The string Bart pulls on the weather balloon only appears when he pulls it, and it's only tied to one side, yet things extend down from both sides of the balloon. {ddg} When Skinner screams, twelve of his upper teeth are visible -- all of them molars. {ddg} When Skinner throws his head back to yell "Nooo!!" the children can be heard laughing, but those behind him aren't moving. {mk} Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen _discovered_ Helium, along with Joseph Norman Lockyer; nobody _invented_ it. {ddg} Willy pulls the shotgun out of thin air. {dh} When Bart connects the generator to his rear wheel, the wheels turn in place quickly; Bart may move slower than usual, but the wheels should turn just as slow. {ddg} The American Flag should not be displayed at night unless lit by a spotlight. {mk} The clouds are moving too quickly. {dh} There's no constellation called "The Chariot Race", unlike Orion the Hunter and Cygnus the Swan. {ddg} Cygnus (the Swan) is not near Orion in the sky. Orion is a winter constellation, and Cygnus is visible in the spring. {av} When they show Orion, Betelgeuse and Rigel (the upper left and lower right stars in the constellation) should be the brightest ones. {av} Skinner's cellular phone only has nine buttons. {th} The redialed phone number differs from the original number. Why would Principal Skinner trust Bart with his cellular phone? {mk} If Bart first sees the comet going to one side, it shouldn't be headed straight for Earth the next day, and it shouldn't be close enough to be seen with the naked eye in broad daylight. {ddg} Nobody at the dinner table has a knife, yet there's some sort of sliced meat on their plates. {ddg} Forks vanish from the table. {dh} Lisa isn't at the Super Friends table when it is first shown...and why isn't Martin there? {ddg} Different camera angles show different positions for the students in the school cafeteria. {dh} Email's bow tie changes color in one scene. {dh} A gambrel roof couldn't hold lawn chairs securely. {th} The Speaker of the House stands to preside; a flag hangs behind the rostrum; there is no standing flag; and the members do not have desks. {th} Amendments to bills in Congress are voted _separately_ from the bill being amended; they are not automatically attached. {ddg} They were trying to decide whom to throw out of the shelter because it was stuffed too full for the door to be shut, but Flanders opened the door to get out. {vj} When Marge first appears on the hilltop with Flanders, Maggie is nowhere to be seen. {ddg} Springfield Elementary has a fallout bomb shelter in 9F18. (At least Skinner and Willy would have used it?) {dh} In a Tracy Ullman short, the Simpsons have a bomb shelter too. {rc} =============================================================================== > Reviews =============================================================================== Tony Hill: It's another A! I'm beginning to develop the theory that OFF thrives on implausibility. Even the scientific goofs couldn't detract from the rich humor of this episode. This had the most consistent plot of any recent episode. Don Del Grande: A - second-best of the season, behind the Halloween Special. John Swartzwelder finds the groove once again after a slightly lackluster "Itchy & Scratchy Land" and "Homer the Great". Dave Hall: Nothing really bothered me about this episode -- it was awesome! John Swartzwelder has another notch in my book of favorite writers. Martin Crim: Tonight's episode was an embarrassment and a disappointment. If I were trying to get a friend hooked on The Simpsons, I would never show them that episode. The plot was extremely lame and contrived. There were a couple funny moments, but that was all. Joe Manfre: what the hell? I seem to remember when Simpsons episodes had plots which related to rather than hopelessly contorting real life. This continued in the recent trend of episodes being little more than jokes barely strung together by a thin, unbelievable plot. Christine Tiplady: This episode was a KLUNKER. No exploration of characters or real issues; just a wild premise. The Simpsons is still one of the funniest shows going, but it takes more than that to make it the truly amazing show it usually is. Martin Abela: Now this is more like it! The comedy was there, but we also had some drama thrown in for good measure. Good use of the ensemble cast (Flanders, Skinner). Most of all: Homer actually shows some positive traits. I am amongst those who feel he has been depicted as an idiot once to often. Warren Hagey: I thought that this was a great episode from beginning to end. The balloon and the fighter jets were great, as was "E-mail", ..., "Lisa". The only scene that I found lacking in any major way was Bart's actual discovery of the comet. A. Aaron Varhola: A strong effort. Not that funny, but a well-developed, compelling storyline, and the gags didn't detract from the plot; much like "Bart's Girlfriend". The episode also showed more depth on repeated viewings; I liked it better the second and third time around. B+. David Sobecki: I never thought an episode of the Simpsons could be that bad. I can honestly say it's the only one I've ever even considered saying it was into this one today. John J. Wood: Grade: C+. After a promising start (Bart's prank on Skinner), this episode treaded downhill fast. Although a hard-to- fathom storyline was carried well, again most of the jokes were either flat, stale, or UNclever. Jon Bigelow: This episode was only mildly amusing. There were some good gags ("Firing Sidewinder missile", Moe: "Oh, dear God NO!"), but they were outnumbered by lame ones (superfriends). Homer didn't have any good lines, either. I'd give this one a "C". Matthew Kurth: In some ways a remake of MG20, this one stands as one of the better "whacky object" stories. Not particularly brilliant, but satisfying. 7.5/10. Yours truly: Hmm, another weird one. Can't say I found it sidesplittingly funny like other John S. episodes. As always, had its moments: the fighter planes, notarized(!) photos, Frink and his models, and the wonderfully ironic list of gay people. Grade: C. =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> Principal Kahoutek Skinner refers to a Kahoutek who beat him to a phone to report a discovery. Tony Hill notes, "The Kahoutek comet appeared in December 1973/January 1974 and was much less brilliant than its advance publicity." >> Astronomy in this episode Bob Yantosca goes into great detail: "Skinner's scope looked like a 60mm (2.4") refractor on an altitude-azimuth mount. The eyepiece was seated in a `star diagonal' or prism, which bends the light path 90 degrees, to avoid awkward viewing angles when pointing the telescope near the zenith. As with all telescopes, the image should have been upside down. The star diagonal will also cause an additional left/right inversion in the image. Right Ascension is essentially celestial longitude measured eastward from the Vernal Equinox (the point where the Celestial Equator crosses the Ecliptic, or the Sun's path on the sky). Right Ascension is measured in sexagesimal hours, minutes, and seconds. Declination is celestial latitude, measured from the celestial equator (0 degrees) to the North and South Celestial Poles (+90, -90 degrees, respectively). The Celestial Equator and Poles are the extension into space of the Earth's Equator and Poles. Declination is measured in sexagesimal degrees, minutes, and seconds. And, for the record, 6 hours RA, 12 degrees Decl. is in the constellation of Orion. Skinner could not have read RA and Dec from his telescope's setting circles, as his scope was on an Altitude-Azimuth mount. One's altitude and azimuth (direction from N) is not the same as one's latitude and longitude, after all! Altitude and Azimuth are relative coordinates, as they depend on your position. Latitude and longitude (or Right Ascension and Declination, if it's on the sky) are referenced to the celestial equator/poles so they are the same for all observers, regardless of position. To read RA and Dec coordinates from a telescope, you must have an equatorial mount, where one axis is pointed towards the North (or South) Celestial Pole. This also allows you to compensate for the Earth's rotation by moving the telescope about one axis only. Contrary to popular belief, astronomers at the big observatories do not look through the scopes directly. Instead, electronic or photographic detectors are placed at the `eyepiece' end of the telescope. In many cases spectra of the objects are obtained, rather than images. To officially report an astronomical discovery, Bart would have had to called, telexed, faxed, or emailed Brian Marsden at the Harvard Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, MA, not his local observatory. Bart would have also had to show evidence of the comet's motion with respect to the `fixed' stars over a period of at least one night, preferably several nights. Beginning January 1, 1995, comets (in addition to being named after their discoverers) are designated as follows: the year of discovery, an upper-case letter identifying the half-month of discovery, and a consecutive number indicating the order of discovery in that half- month. So if Bart's comet was the first comet discovered in the first half of February 1995, then it would be referred to as `Comet Simpson 1995 C1'. Comet tails typically point away from the Sun, regardless of which direction they are moving in. Some comets have two tails, an ion tail, which is swept away from the Sun by the Solar Wind, and a dust/gas tail. Comets do not make a flaming noise. Actually, they are very cold and consist mainly of dust and ice. :-) Even if the comet burned up in the atmosphere, it would have still done some damage. The shock wave and heat produced by the comet's passage through our atmosphere would probably have been intense enough to flatten stuff over a wide area. This is probably what happened in Tunguska, Siberia, in 1908, when miles of forest were flattened by a `fireball'." Bill Higgins adds some notes of his own. Skinner's first sighting, the balloon at 6-19-14-59, "is on a line between Gamma Gemini and Zeta Orionis, a triple star system." Bart's comet at 4-12-8-7 "is in Taurus, close to Mu Taurii and 46 Taurii." >> Super Friends For non-North-American viewers, the Super Friends was a Hanna Barbera TV cartoon series from the late 70s and early 80s that had all the big- name superheroes (Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman) and a few others (the Wonder Twins, Aquaman, Green Lantern) fighting crime as a unified body. >> Professor Frink and the Carter administration Tony Hill writes, "The reference to the Carter Administration was probably a poke at that president's MX missile basing plan. The idea was to build a huge rail system covering most of Nevada and Utah which connected many anti-ballistic missile silos, too many for the enemy to destroy in toto." >> Que Sera, Sera Tony Hill expounds, "`Whatever Will Be, Will Be,' also known as `Que Sera, Sera' was the Academy Award-winning best song of 1956. It was written by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans and was introduced by Doris Day. It was from the Hitchcock film `The Man Who Knew Too Much,' which was parodied by OFF last season." =============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary =============================================================================== % [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of % Frederic Briere.] % % The scene opens on Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner, decked % out in a lab coat and safety glasses, stands under a "Science Fair" % banner. Skinner: And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon! Children: Yay! Bart: Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo! Skinner: [to himself] "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening. -- Skinner, censurer, "Bart's Comet" % "Release the balloon," calls the beloved principal. Groundskeeper % Willy complies, snipping its string. Everyone cheers as the balloon % rises except for Bart, who pulls a string, smiling. Two flaps on the % balloon unfold, one with Skinner's head and arms holding a "Hi, I'm % Big Butt Skinner" sign, the other with Skinner's legs. The children % all point and laugh. "Nooo!" cries Skinner, running after it. Bart: I don't think I really captured the eyes. Milhouse: Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection -- _if_ you have a failing. Skinner: Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions! Children: Yay! [start throwing rocks at it] Skinner: [hearing clanking noises] Uh, careful, children, that's my car... -- Bart pulls a weather balloon prank, "Bart's Comet" % Nelson and Jimbo, hearing that it's Skinner's car, purposely throw big % rocks straight at it and laugh. Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon. Willy: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky] [two fighter planes fly overhead] Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now. [screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"] [screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"] Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane] Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care! Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask. [their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground] -- Pros and cons of deficit reduction schemes, "Bart's Comet" % Back at the school, Skinner rues his misfortune. Skinner: Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen. Now to find out who did this...Bart! Empty your pockets. Bart: Empty _my_ pockets, you say? [does so] Well, certainly, but I fail to see how -- Skinner: [picking something up] Hmm...blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you _making_ the dummy...and an alternate wording for the _banner_, "Buttzilla". Bart: Race you to Utah, Milhouse. Milhouse: OK. -- Exit Bart, "Bart's Comet" % Skinner grabs Bart. Skinner: I'm going to punish you for this, Bart -- and it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now _aid_ science. Yes...starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy, taking down measurements, carrying equipment, and so forth. 4:30 in the morning. Bart: There's a 4:30 in the morning now? -- Bart's twelve-hour days, "Bart's Comet" % The next morning, Bart's radio turns on at precisely 4:00. DJ: Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there _is_ no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody. Bart: [groans] Oh... {[walks to his parents' room]} {Mom, will you make me breakfast?} Marge: {[mostly asleep] There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. Just rinse it good.} {[downstairs, the pets watch TV]} {TV: Come home, Lassie. Here, boy! Come on, girl.} {[the pets see Bart coming and quickly turn the TV off and pretend to sleep]} -- The secret nocturnal lives of pets, "Bart's Comet" % Bart opens the garage and drives his bike off to school. On his way, % he observes, "Still dark...better use the generator." He engages it, % but the pressure on his tire is so great that he has to struggle to % move forward at all. % % He meets Skinner in a field near the school. Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention...[chuckles] Science has it all. Bart: Is that the telescope we're going to be looking through? Skinner: Yes, but you won't be looking through it: I forbid it, heh heh. But you don't _need_ a telescope to enjoy astronomy, Bart: there are all the constellations you've heard so much about. [pointing] There's Orion, the swan, the chariot race -- Bart: Why don't they look anything like their names? Skinner: Well, you do have to use your imagination. Look: there's the three wise men. [points to Curly, Larry, and Moe] -- Wise at slapstick, maybe, "Bart's Comet" Bart: Who names these things [the constellations] anyway? Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me. Bart: And you've never found anything? Skinner: Once...but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kahoutek...[a cloud covers the moon; scary music plays] I got back at him, though...him and that little _boy_ of his. [the music ends] Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me. -- The former green beret and his tricks, "Bart's Comet" Skinner: Now, this morning we're going to be mapping a small square of sky that's thought to be empty. It's my hope that it's not. Bart: So what am I supposed to do exactly? Skinner: Just write down my findings as I give them to you. Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees twenty-two minutes declination: no sighting. Bart: [bored] Mm hmm. Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees twenty-three minutes declination: no sighting. Bart: Mm hmm. [later] Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees fifty-eight minutes declination: no sighting. Did you get that one Bart? Bart: Hell no? Skinner: Good. -- Gripping astronomy, "Bart's Comet" % Skinner spots something and gasps with excitement. Skinner: My stars! Give me the phone. [dials 325-6753] Woman: [at observatory] Check out 6-19-14-59. [man at telescope does so] [the Skinner weather balloon comes into focus] Skinner: No, there's no need to do that...it's already named after me. -- Skinner the observator, "Bart's Comet" Skinner: It's coming pretty close to the ground, maybe I can catch it. Don't touch the telescope, Bart. A slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work. [runs off] Bart: [looks at telescope, grins, spins it] Woo! Pirates off the port bow, all hands on deck! [looks through it] Hey... [pushes "redial" on the phone] Hello, observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7. Skinner: [catching the balloon] Ah, got you, my rumpy doppelganger. [floats to ground next to Bart] I've got it! I -- what are you doing? Give me that phone! Woman: [on phone] Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Skinner: Nooo! [lets go of balloon by accident] Noooo! [paperman rides by, throws paper in front of him] [headline: "Prez Sez: school is for losers"] Nooooo! -- A chapter of accidents, "Bart's Comet" % [End of Act One. Time: 6:38] % % At dinner that night, everyone chows down. Homer: {And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.} Lisa: {Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.} Homer: {Yeah...except I forgot to go to work.} {[everyone looks at him silently]} Marge: What did you do today, Bart? Bart: What _didn't_ I do? [hands his mother a newspaper] Marge: [reads comet] "Boy Discovers Comet"... Lisa: What? Marge: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the `Bart Simpson Comet'." [gasps] Oh, honey, I'm so _proud_ of you. Bart: But then, you've _always_ been proud of me. Marge: [pauses] Yes... -- Well no, actually, "Bart's Comet" % The next day at lunch, Bart carries his tray past a table of children. Ham: Won't you join us, Bart? Bart: [looks around] Uh...I guess so. Database: As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group. Welcome to Super Friends. Bart: Huh? Kids: Welcome, Super Friend. Ham: I am called Ham, because I enjoy ham radio. This is Email... Cosine...Report Card...Database...and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. Bart: [finishing a mouthful hurriedly] Well, I'm done eating. Goodbye. Kids: Goodbye, Cosmos. -- Bart's not as cool as Green Lantern, "Bart's Comet" Database: Perhaps some night you could show us your comet. Bart: [pointing] There it is right there. Database: I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart. Now truly, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope. Bart: But you don't _need_ a stupid telescope. It's right _there_. [the kids look and gasp as they see it] Email: Oh no, no, no, this isn't right at all! Database: It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed. Bart: Huh? Lisa: Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in its path will be killed! Bart: I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small, _right_ from the beginning. Report Card: We must alert the proper authorities. Email: To the observatory! -- The comet's threat is discovered, "Bart's Comet" % The Super Friends ride their bikes off to the observatory, singing "We % are the Super Friends." Their newest member goes, "Shut up!" One of % the astronomers focuses the telescope on the comet and intones "Dear % God!" The other says, "Warren, we've talked about you hogging the % eyepiece." Abe: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years. Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk...trouble abrewing. -- The air raid siren blows, "Bart's Comet" % Diamond Joe Quimby calls a meeting at the town hall. Quimby: Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld...field. [everyone claps politely] First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield. [a couple of people clap] You don't need to applaud that. -- The mayor calls a town meeting, "Bart's Comet" Quimby: Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, Jerry. [first slide shows arrows pointing to "Springfield" and the "Comet"] [second slide shows collision of two and an arrow pointing to "Moe's"] Moe: Oh, dear God, no! [third slide shows smoking crater with arrows pointing to "Charred Bodies"] Quimby: Fortunately we have a plan: Professor Frink? Frink: Nn-hey, good evening, ladies and -- Man: [hysterical] Quit stalling! What's the plan? Frink: All right, just take your seat, just take your seat. [pulls a sheet off a model of the city] Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement for various reasons which we won't go into here, nn-hey, we have planned this defense for the city: [flicks a switch] as the comet hurtles towards the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. [little models of the comet and rocket demonstrate] [the comet explodes and catches "Moe's" on fire] Moe: Oh, dear God, no! -- Moe, loser either way, "Bart's Comet" % "And that will be the end of Mr. Comet," forecasts Quimby. Everyone % cheers and leaves the hall. Once outside, they point at the comet and % laugh derisively -- all except Lisa, who looks around, worried. Homer: Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed, didn't you hear what that guy in the building said? Lisa: But Dad, don't you think -- Homer: Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? Lisa: No, Dad, I don't think -- Homer: There's that word again. -- Homer doing what he does best, "Bart's Comet" % A newspaper headline reads, "Rocket to Kick Comet's Tail". The comet % looms large in the sky as everyone on the street looks up at it. At % the Springfield Armory, the rocket (with a panel saying "Caution: aim % way from face" on the side) is raised on a platform and pointed % towards the sky. The Simpson family sit on lawn chairs on their roof. Marge: Homer, what if this doesn't work? Homer: Well, then I have a backup plan. See? While the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going -- [twiddles his thumbs, hums a goofy tune] Bart: {[interrupts] Dad! The plan.} Homer: {I'm getting to that! So anyway, they're going -- [twiddles his thumbs more, hums more]} Bart: [interrupts] Dad! Homer: So anyway, we get in our car and take the bridge out of town, all the while they're still going -- [twiddles his thumbs and hums again] Lisa: [interrupts] Dad, they're firing the rocket! Homer: [knocked backwards by the blast] All right! -- The alternate plan cut short, "Bart's Comet" % The rocket climbs into the sky as everyone oohs and aahs. Up, up it % flies, straight up to the comet...and passes right in front of it, % down, down onto the only bridge out of town, destroying it. Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed. Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man. Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer, argh... -- Religion, opiate of Homer, "Bart's Comet" % [End of Act Two. Time: 12:40] % % Kent Brockman delivers the news. Kent: And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high, and lost control of its servo guidance mechanism, leaving us with some...[checks watch] six hours to live. So, let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the Sky! Arnie: With the bridge gone and the airport unfortunately on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars. It's a silent testament to the never-give-up and never-think- things-out spirit of our citizens. Kent: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress. Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of -- Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill? [everyone boos] Speaker: Bill defeated. [bangs gavel] Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work. -- Kent Brockman shows his true color: pink, "Bart's Comet" Kent: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay. [a list flashes by hurriedly] Marge: Turn it off! Homer: [copying down the list quickly] Just a second... -- Homer and his useless lists, "Bart's Comet" Homer: What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet -- big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere and what's ever left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head. Bart: Wow, Dad, maybe you're right. Homer: Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow. [everyone groans] OK, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter. Lisa: We have a bomb shelter? Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of _his_ family. [the family goes outside] Homer: [pounding on a door] Flanders! Open up. -- Homer, living vicariously through Ned, "Bart's Comet" Ned: Heidy-hoeroony, neighbor. What can I do you for? Homer: Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter. Marge: Homer! Ned: Uh oh, I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families. Homer: No deal. Out. Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer! -- Homer rejects the first offer, "Bart's Comet" % The shadow of the comet looms over the city hall. It looms over the % zoo, to the frightened protests of the animals. Some penguins look at % one another and then suddenly develop the ability to fly. A boy % working on his bike in the street leaves it there and hides under a % park bench. Other people abandon their cars in the middle of the road % and run for cover. % % In Ned's bomb shelter, the two families sit around, bored. Marge: [checks her watch] One more hour. Homer: An hour? I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet? [someone knocks on the door] Ah, there it is. [Ned answers it; the rest of Springfield stands outside] Ned: Well, howdily-doodily, neighbors. Shouldn't you be in your shelterinis by now? Moe: [menacing] We haven't got shelterinis. We want in yours! Ned: Well, ho ho, the shelter's kind of full. Moe: [not realizing] Really? Oh. Well, we'll just go off some place and die then. Thanks. [everyone walks off] Ned: Wait! You know, I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle _or_ stay alive, but...oh, what the hey. [everyone barges in] -- Moe's bargaining tactics, "Bart's Comet" % The shelter is very crowded indeed with everyone there. Homer: I can't get the -- [struggles] -- I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out. Lisa: [muffled] I'd get out but I don't know where I am. Barney: Hey! Somebody's touching me. Skinner: I am. Barney: [happy] Oh, OK. -- Ned's shelter brims over capacity, "Bart's Comet" % Krusty, ever resourceful, comes up with a plan. Krusty: OK, OK, let's figure out who should stay. The world of the future will need laughter, so I'm in. Moe: And they'll need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e., me, and someone'll have to run the power. You can do that, Homer. Homer: [uncertain] Uh, yeah...I can do that. [the comet looms ever closer] Lovejoy: OK, let's start again. We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip -- that's Mrs. Lovejoy -- -- Predicting the future world necessities, "Bart's Comet" Homer: Wait a minute: we all know the one thing we won't need in the future! Left-handed stores. That's you, Flanders! [whispered to Rod & Todd] I'm terribly story. [to everyone] Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him. [whispered] I'm sorry, please forgive me. [to everyone] So let's kick Flanders out. [whispered] Sorry. Ned: Well sir, sounds fair. Toodleloo, everybody; I'll scream when the comet gets here. Maude: Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddy. Ned: No, sweetheart, you...you stay here because -- Maude: [quickly] OK. Ned: I might go mad with fear out there, so Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in. Todd: OK, Dad. [weeps] Ned: OK. [sings on his way out] Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see... -- Ned, closed fatalist, "Bart's Comet" % Moe suggests something to lighten the mood. Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea: we can play a game to pass the time. Er, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem: [makes some unidentifiable noise] Wiggum: It's a pig! Bart: It's a cow, man. Lisa: It's a pony. Krusty: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats. Selma: There are no lady goats: a lady goat is a sheep. Hibbert: I believe she's right. Otto: You're crazy. McAllister: Arr, what's it to you? Otto: What's it to _me_? [everyone starts arguing] Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? [Ned still sings "Que Sera, Sera" outside] Say, Moe, was it a duck? [everyone argues again] -- The final hour before the comet hits, "Bart's Comet" % Homer calls for order. Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you -- especially his children. I'm going out there! [goes out, slams door behind him] [pops his head back in] It was a baby ox. Moe: He's right, you know. Skinner: [surprised] About the ox? Moe: About everything, dammit. Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too. Apu: If you are going, I am going. Barney: Me too! [everyone assents and leaves] -- Never-think-things-through, indeed, "Bart's Comet" % Ned stands alone on a hilltop, singing to himself. Ned: [singing] When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: Everyone: [joining in] Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera -- Quimby: [pointing at the comet] Run! -- Forced bravado, "Bart's Comet" % The comet speeds towards Springfield, through the polluted atmosphere. % Chunks of it start to fly off. "Look!" cries Marge, "It's breaking % up!" yells Lisa. The rapidly diminishing-in-size comet punctures the % Skinner weather balloon, then places a direct hit on Ned's bomb % shelter -- destroying it in a pile of masonry. Bart: Cool. [picks up what's left of the comet] Lisa: We're saved! Everyone: Yay! Selma: Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life. [she and Patty light a cigarette and puff contentedly] Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen again. -- Moe's miracle cure, "Bart's Comet" % Lisa is astounded. Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet. Bart: But what's really amazing, is that this is _exactly_ what Dad said would happen. Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right. Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too! -- Homer "Nostradamus" Simpson, "Bart's Comet" % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:57] % % Over the closing credits, an orchestral version of "Que Sera, Sera" % plays. =============================================================================== > Contributors =============================================================================== {rc} Ryan Claycamp {ddg} Don Del Grande {gg} Gary Goldberg {wch} Warren Hagey {dh} Dave Hall {th} Tony Hill {vj} Vaughn Jett {mk} Matthew Kurth {jl} John Laviolette {el} Eric Lin {wp} Werner Peeters {av} Aaron Varhola =============================================================================== This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)