Homer the Great                                    Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                        Directed by Jim Reardon
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F09                        Original airdate in N.A.: 8-Jan-95
                                                  Capsule revision E, 22-Feb-97
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the
              principal.
              Adding "just kidding" do/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened into.

Couch      :- The family walk into the TV room from all directions,
              rather like the people in Escher's "Relativity" picture.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
Tony Hill:
    ... a basement window is visible, at first?
    ... Burns' Olmec head gift?
    ... Lenny's license plate is 829 EAG?
    ... Grampa is a card-carrying communist?
    ... spirits emerge from Homer's underwear?
    ... Homer bowls on lane 13?
    ... the calendar in Lisa's classroom shows that it's March?
    ... most of the graffiti said "graffiti"?

Dave Hall:
    ... the plumber keeps tobacco in his shirt pocket?
    ... Homer is carrying his lunch?
    ... Homer carries his Revenge List around in his back pocket?
    ... Carl and Lenny's chairs are monogrammed?
    ... Lenny can't keep a secret?
    ... Homer is drinking milk at dinner?
    ... Homer uses his brain in this episode?
    ... Homer uses _yellow_ paint to tail Lenny?
    ... the lit torches at the Stonecutter's temple?
    ... Homer's hair strands are sticking up after he falls from the
        ceiling?
    ... Moe can toss ~260 pounds of weight?
    ... Lenny's spittle?
    ... Grampa keeps his ID cards in a money purse?
    ... Krusty wears his clown stuff under his robe?
    ... the plumber doesn't wear a Stonecutter ring?
    ... Homer's chair doesn't vibrate like Lenny's and Carl's?
    ... the egg-council guy is at a Stonecutter meeting?
    ... Homer is barefoot when he puts on the rollerblades?
    ... Number One doesn't remove his headdress?  (I wonder if he's
        bald?)
    ... Chief Wiggum is actually a good shot in this episode?
    ... the artist's pinky is extended while he paints Homer?
    ... Homer's bowling ball has "Chosen One" written on it?
    ... Homer doesn't always wear his Stonecutter ring?
    ... Homer actually listens to Lisa's advice?
    ... Homer seesaws with seven kids?
    ... the family pets staring attentively at Homer?

Hubert Chen:
    ... the cat and the dog wag their tails out of phase?

Bailey Irwin:
    ... the graffiti heart containing the words "Graffiti + Graffiti"?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Homer sleeps on the right (as seen from above), as he did in the
        first season (and on "The Tracey Ullman Show")?
    ... Grampa Simpson is a Stonecutter _and_ a Mason?
    ... the Stonecutters painted the building from the top down, and
        painted over some of the windows?
    ... Lisa's whistle ring is on her left hand, Bart's is on his right
        hand, and both are on their index fingers?

Rick DeBay:
    ... the only non-"graffiti" word was BART?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... Homer's "Trackstar" brand 8-track player?
    ... the fifth symbol on the Stonecutter parchment is the Masons'
        symbol?
    ... the car parked to Homer's right in the parking lot after he
        becomes a Stonecutter has the license plate "3MI ISL"!  (Three
        Mile Island!)
    ... Number One calls Moe "Moe" instead of his number?
    ... Maggie is quite interested in the monkeys Homer has staging the
        Battle of Gettysburg?

Kathy Godfrey:
    ... Marge holds up four fingers plus one to represent "five"?

Arkadi Galon:
    ... Homer's shadow on the floor of the Stonecutters' temple when he
        was sprawled on the glass dome shows shadows even for his two
        hairs?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Abe, tavern owner, Krusty, Orville
      Redenbacher)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (plumber, Carl, Moe, Homer G., Washington, Mr. T)
    - Harry Shearer (Arnie Pie, Lenny, Skinner, Hibbert, Mr. Burns, man
      who kicks tavern owner, Jack Nicholson, George Bush)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Patrick Stewart (Number One)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (boy letting people into treehouse)
    - Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + M. C. Escher's "Relativity" picture
    - the couch scene
  + "Dukes of Hazzard" {av}
    - the General Lee is stuck in the traffic jam
  + California Egg Council commercial {ert}
    - some humorous TV ads put out by the Council depict eggs in prison
      running off with glee when they're set free
  + "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
    - Captain Picard refers to his second-in-command as Number One, and
      Patrick Steward (who guest-voiced) plays Picard
  + Prince's song "1999"
    - "Let us party like 'twas 1799!" sounds like "Tonight I'm gonna
      party like it's 1999"
    "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
    - looks like Homer's underwear get dropped into an ark
    - ghosts fly out
  + Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" {rl}
    - Lisa says "Beware the Ides of March", the same line as the
      Soothsayer
  + "The Last Emperor" {mk}
    - Homer in Chosen One garb, walking out to greet his followers
      (music as well)

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [MG32] OFF gets hypnotized (Homer says "five years ago", around the
  time of the Ullman shorts) {mk}
- [7F18] H2WHOA! is shown {av}
- [8F17] 912 is cited as the number to call for emergencies
- [8F23] Chairs at power plant look like Spinemelter 2000s {av}
- [1F01], [1F07] Someone tries to train monkeys {mk}
- [1F16] The Egg Council/Advisory Board is mentioned {av}
- [2F08] "Kids can be so cruel" is said

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- Sign: {mk}
 
 STERN LECTURE
   PLUMBING
   "I Told You
        Not To
    Flush That"
 
- Label: {mk}
 
  ECONO - SAVE
  BUDGET STOOL
 Factory Second
 
- Homer's Revenge List: {th}
    - Bill of Rights
    - Grandpa
    - fat free lard
    - gravity
    - Emmys
    - Darwin
    - H2WHOA!
    - Billy Crystal
    - God
    - Soloflex
    - the boy
    - Stern Lecture Plumbing
    - Econo Save
- Banners in the Stonecutters' building, left to right: {av}
    - Stick of dynamite
    - Sledgehammer
    - Wrench
    - Chisel/spike
- The Stonecutter members: {mk}
    - Homer
    - Lenny
    - Carl
    - Abe
    - Dewey Largo
    - Seymour Skinner
    - Julius Hibbert
    - Charles Montgomery Burns
    - Herman
    - Chief Wiggum
    - Moe the Bartender
    - Hershel Krustofski (Krusty)
    - Sideshow Mel
    - Mr. Van Houten
    - Waylon Smithers
    - "Number One"
    - Kent Brockman
    - Joe Quimby
    - Groundskeeper Willy
    - Steve Guttenberg
    - Jasper
    - Barney
    - Apu
    - Adolf Hitler
    - Homer Glumplich
    - (some green alien)
    - (the Egg Council guy)
    - Scott Christian
    - Asst.  Superintendent Leopold
- The sacred parchment writing: {cw}
    - BSTUPUI, STETERUNTOUR
    - COMAE, ET VOX FAUCIEUS MAESIT
- The Stonecutter World Council members present: {th}
    - Orville Redenbacher
    - Jack Nicholson
    - Lawrence Tero (Mr. T)
    - George Bush

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
How could the cat's meows be heard when it is underwater?  {dh}

Homer pulls the pan from thin air.  {dh}

The sound of the helicopter's rotor blades during Arnie's radio
broadcast don't sound as though it had crashed.  {dh}

The parking lot behind the back yard conflicts with many, many episodes,
most notably 1F22.  {th}

Isn't Bart supposed to be on the school bus by the time Homer has to be
at work?  {mk}

The space around Homer's parking spot closes in on him.  {dh}

Homer's ID card is missing from his shirt.  {dh}

In other episodes, Homer's chair has been nicer than that stool.  {dh}

As Homer adds "Econo Save" to the list, his last E appears fully drawn
in one frame before he's actually finished writing it.

The buttons on the Buzz Cola machine are on the left.  Most pop machines
have the buttons on the right, underneath the coin slot.  {av}

The dining room layout is different.  {th}

Things appear and disappear from the dining room table.  {dh}

In the first shot of Grandpa having dinner with OFF, he has something to
eat, and a napkin.  But after that shot, there is nothing on the table.
{ag}

The Stonecutter meetings are Wednesday nights.  But Moe's already busy
Wednesday -- he reads to the homeless then.  See 9F14.  {dh}

I thought it took more than following two people just once to one place
to be considered "stalking".  {mk}

Lenny's coffee cup turns into an egg sandwich.  {dh}

Homer's already saved everyone's life in 8F04.  {dh}

It appears to me that membership is signified by a ring.  Where's
Grampa's ring?  {mk}

Number One's book disappears.  {dh}

Despite the water flowing in the basement for days between plumber
visits, the water level does not rise.  {ddg}

The plumber's wrench disappears.  {dh}

Homer's rulebook disappears.  {dh}

When Homer drives through the tunnel under the freeway, the paintings on
the left are all different in the first shot.  In the second, there are
no paintings on the left side, and all the paintings on the right side
are copies of the Mona Lisa (which was also one of the paintings on the
left in the first shot!)  {mk}

The stripes on the shields on the Stonecutter Mugs go from diagonal to
horizontal and back to diagonal.  {ddg}

The Declaration of Independence signing scene is incorrect.  (see below)

During the Stonecutters' song, Number One can be seen raising his cup
and singing along with the others (at least twice).  But when the song
finishes, Number One's cup disappears.  {ag}

Homer has never had that birthmark before.  (Why wouldn't Dr. Hibbert
have seen the birthmark during a physical?  Or Lenny, Carl, Mr. Burns,
or Smithers during showers at the plant or the plant physical?  And why
wouldn't Grampa have noticed it and mentioned it to the Stonecutters a
long time ago?  {av})

Why would Homer wonder if there's a God?  He met him in 9F01.

In the pool game, the cue ball changes color after striking the front
ball of the rack; also, all 16 balls go into a pocket, which is a foul
(OOPS - a foul EXCEPT when the Chosen One does it).  {ddg}

Miss Hoover's door should be on the other side -- see 9F03, 7F19, 7F02.
{mk}

In Miss Hoover's classroom, the calendar (which says "March") goes from
five weeks (which is normal) to four, and Lisa begins in the second
column from the wall but is soon in the third.  (Also, Lisa and Janey
are in the front row this time.)  {ddg}

The lockers should be full-length rather than half-length -- see 1F07,
8F15.  {mk}

Bart paddles Homer right-handed, and Lisa is ready to paddle him left-
handed.  It should be reversed.  {av}

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Tony Hill: This was a positively zany and unpredictable episode.  Homer
    shines at his moronic best.  Some of the gags detracted from the
    credibility but not the humor of this episode.  Best of all, we
    added a new song to our repertory.  I give "Homer the Great" an A.

Matthew Kurth: On its own, this episode is pretty good.  However, it
    discards continuity almost completely and is just too over-the-top
    for me.  The outstanding drinking song stole (and saved) the show.
    7/10

Mike Kraus: What a great episode tonight.  One of my favorites in a long
    time.  Seems like a pretty great idea for men of a town to have a
    club like that.  Maybe the name we should call Simpsons fans is
    Stonecutters!

Dave Hall: I liked it.  Two thumbs up.  Patrick Stewart was great.
    There was a lot of DYN/FF stuff in this episode.  I'm sure a lot of
    you guys/gals are busy right now listing them.

Warren Hagey: I think it was great, IMHO the best this season.  The
    repetitive jokes were excellent and Moe's objection to the oath is
    the funniest thing I've heard in my life.  A+

Bailey Irwin: The best shows combine Homerish goofiness with blistering
    social satire and a kind of Pythonesque surrealism.  It's been done
    before, but tonight may be the first time they've done all that in
    ONE plot, with the elements overlapping totally.  Brilliant.  A+.

Marc Singer: It was decent, but I left it feeling it was decidedly
    average.  Perhaps most irritating was the fact that by the time they
    really got to the interesting part of the episode, Homer as Chosen
    One, it was already 2/3 over.  Not a bad show, but not a great one
    either.

John J. Wood: This is the first time I've ever been disappointed by a
    episode with "Homer" in its title.  First, the plot was simply too
    UNbelievable.  Second, many of its gags just didn't work: They were
    either predictable, stale, cheesy, or just plain embarrassing.
    Grade: C.

Don Del Grande: In line with the subject material, this episode pulls a
    "gentleman's B"; good overall, but nothing really stood out.  For
    once, it had a decent ending.

Yours truly: Hmm.  Swartzwelder usually writes excellent episodes, but I
    didn't enjoy this one much.  I hate to say it, but the continuity
    errors were glaring and wrecked my enjoyment a little.  Thank God
    for the Stonecutter's song!  Grade: C-.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> Parchment translation

Bob Yantosca makes his best effort at translating the parchment:
    
    OBSTUPUI STETERUNTOUR
    COMAE, ET VOX PAUCIBUS MAESIT.

    - OBSTUPUI: (noun) loosely derived from 'obstupesco', to be
      dumbfounded.  I take it to mean "the dumbfounded" or "the
      astonished".
    - STETERUNTOUR: No such form in Latin.  The verb must come from
      'sto, stare, steti, status' (to stand).  The closest forms I could
      find are:
        - STARENTUR: Imperfect Subjunctive Passive (they might be stood)
        - STANTUR: Present Active Passive (they were stood)
        - STENTUR: Present Subjunctive Passive (let them stand)
    - COMAE: (noun) plural of 'coma', hair.  In English 'hair' is a
      collective noun, but in Latin, the plural is used.
    - PAUCIBUS (adj).  Dative plural of 'paucus' (to the few, to a few)
    - MAESIT: (verb) obviously derived from 'maereo' (to mourn).
      Confusing because there shouldn't be a 'maesit' form unless maereo
      is declined 'maereo, maerere, maesi, maesum', which is irregular.
    - So, putting it all together, and substituting for STANTUR for
      STETERUNTOUR (this makes the most sense), we get (drumroll,
      please):
      
      The hair of the dumbstruck [people] is stood on end;
      And a voice mourned to the few.

>> Errors in signing the Declaration of Independence

Matthew Kurth notices, "Actually, when the Declaration of Independence
    was signed, the signers' intent was to sever ties to and post
    grievances against King George, rather than create a democracy - at
    the time they had no idea what form the government would take.
    Furthermore, the Second Continental Congress created 13 independent
    states, rather than a single nation."

>> Orville Redenbacher

Tony Hill asserts, "Orville Redenbacher is an entrepreneur who founded a
    popcorn company.  He sold out twenty or more years ago, but
    continues to serve as the commercial spokesperson for his product."

>> Mr. T

Tony Hill explains, "Mr. T was a character in the short-lived series
    'The A Team' in the 1980s.  It's unfortunate that he'd want to kill
    Homer, after Homer wrote a song about him.  'I pity the fool who
    doesn't like he,' as the song was quoted in 'Homer's Barbershop
    Quartet.'"

>> Who _isn't_ a Stonecutter?

Elson Trinidad noticed some notable absences from the ranks of the
    Stonecutters.  Here are his explanations:
    
    1.  Ned Flanders: Refuses to be involved in "evil, godless"
    activities.
    
    2.  Rev. Lovejoy: Ditto.
    
    3.  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Either the Stonecutters discriminate
    against Indians, or Apu could not afford to let go of the Quick-E-
    Mart every Wednesday night.
    
    4.  Snake: He is a stonecutter, but in a different sense.
    
    5.  Otto: Quit after finding out that Stonecutters don't get stoned.
    
    6.  Lionel Hutz: No lawyers allowed.

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Frederic Briere.]
%
% The scene opens on the Stern Lecture Plumbing van ("I told you not to
% flush that"), then focuses on the Simpsons' basement window.  A
% plumber stands in a foot of water in front of a leaky pipe.

Plumber: Looks like you got a leak.
  Marge: Could you start fixing it pretty soon?  The basement is getting
         awfully flooded.  And I think the cat's down there.
          [Snowball II meows balefully from underwater]
Plumber: Yeah, I probably won't be able to get the parts I need for two,
         three weeks and that's if I order them today -- which I won't.
  Marge: Oh, dear.
          [his pager beeps; he looks, it shows "Low Battery"]
Plumber: Hmm, emergency call.  Gotta go.  [starts to leave]
  Homer: What should we do until you get back?
Plumber: Ehh, put a pan down there.
          [Homer puts one down; it floats away]
  Homer: Aw, it didn't work!
-- A good use of $75/hour, "Homer the Great"

% On Homer's way to work, he gets stuck behind a huge lineup of cars on
% the freeway.

Homer: Lousy traffic jams...[laughs] the traffic report will get me out
       of this one.
        [turns on KBBL]
Arnie: [from a helicopter] This is Arnie Pie!  Looks like we got a
       little accident that's backing traffic up as far as this reporter
       can see.
        [camera pulls back; the helicopter is causing the jam]
-- At least he's not lying, "Homer the Great"

% Homer arrives at work quite late and pulls into the last available
% spot, right on the end of a row.  From the other side of a fence, Bart
% waves to him from his bedroom window: "Hi Dad!"  Homer makes
% dismissive noises and walks towards the power plant entrance.  As he
% gets close, Lenny and Carl pull up in their cars into parking spots
% right at the entrance.  "Hey," asks Homer suspiciously, "how come you
% guys got such great parking places?"  Lenny answers quietly, "It's a
% secret."  Carl tells him "Shh!  Shut up!"
%
% Homer walks to his station at work and sits on his chair, which
% promptly collapses.  He looks at the bottom of the stool, which reads
% "Econo-save budget stool: Factory Second".  "All right, Econo-save,
% you just made the list!"  Homer says menacingly, pulling out "Homer's
% Revenge List" and adding "Econo Save" to the end.
%
% He walks into the room where Carl and Lenny work and asks, "Hey!  Will
% you guys help me fix my -- " but stops when he sees them sitting in
% big, comfortable, vibrating chairs with their names on them.  "Hey...
% how come you guys got better chairs than me."  Lenny answers him
% again, "It's a secret!" and again Carl warns, "Shh!  Shut up!"
%
% At the soda machine, Lenny presses a ring with a special pattern onto
% it into a special place on the machine and gets a soda without paying
% for it.  Homer walks up, starts putting change in some change, and
% asks the boys if they want to go bowling tonight.  "Naw, we're busy,"
% replies Lenny, and Carl adds, "Yeah, we got, er, things to do."  "Like
% what?" asks Homer, slyly.  "Uh, it's a secret," says Lenny for the
% third time.  Carl, in the middle of drinking, stops and eyes Lenny,
% leaving Homer to say, "Shut up!"
%
% At dinner, Homer tells the family about his day.

Homer: So anyway, Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays and they
       don't tell me where they go.  It's like a conspiracy.
 Bart: A conspiracy, eh?  You think they might be involved in the
       Kennedy assassination in some way?
Homer: I do...now.  Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see
       where they go.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again.  It's so _illegal_.
       Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you
       thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge.  I'll be back in a minute
       [gets up]: I'm...[sly] going outside.  To..._stalk_...Lenny and
       Carl.  [realizes] D'oh!
-- Homer has a garden?, "Homer the Great"

% Homer's head pops up from some bushes, then disappears again.  He
% tiptoes up to Lenny's car, attaches a can of yellow paint to the
% trailer hitch, pokes a hole in the bottom of it, then jumps out of
% sight just in time as Lenny and Carl get in and drive off.  "Heh heh
% heh, all I have to do is follow the yellow drip road," Homer chuckles.
%
% The pair stop in front of a strange-looking building.  Homer's mouth
% opens wide in amazement.  Getting out, Lenny asserts, "There's our
% secret meeting place."  Carl agrees, "Yes.  Let's go inside."  "Sounds
% good," answers Lenny, and the two walk in.  A large man in a strange
% robe guards the door menacingly.  Homer walks up innocently, humming,
% and when the man blocks his entrance, he turns around quickly, still
% humming.
%
% Inside, a large open hall is filled with men all wearing the same odd
% robes.  Homer, not deterred, is sprawled over the glass-dome skylight.

  Homer: [giggles] I can see everything and they're none the wiser!
          [the glass starts to crack, then it breaks and he falls in]
    Moe: An intruder!
Skinner: He will pay the ultimate price.
Hibbert: Yes...the ultimate price.
    Moe: Get outta here!  [tosses him out the front door]
-- "Ultimate" is relative, "Homer the Great"

% At work the next day, Homer confronts his two chums.

Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night.  Weird, strange,
       sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff!  And I want in.
 Carl: We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer.
Lenny: And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive!
 Carl: [sighs] Well, it was a real nice secret organization we had once.
-- And he'll tell two friends, and so on..., "Homer the Great"

Homer: Stonecutters, eh?  How do I join?
Lenny: There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a
       Stonecutter --
Homer: Next?
Lenny: -- or, save the life of a Stonecutter.
        [starts to eat a sandwich]
Homer: Hey!  [grabs it, stomps on it]
       I saved your life!  That egg sandwich could have killed you by
       cholesterol.
Lenny: Pfft, forget it, Homer.  While it has been established that eggs
       contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that
       they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human
       blood stream.
Homer: So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: Aw, you've got it all wrong, Homer.  It's not like that.
        [a man in an egg costume creeps, then runs, away]
Homer: You'd better run, egg!
-- The insidious Egg Council, "Homer the Great"

% Homer whines to Marge in bed.

   Homer: Why don't people like me, Marge?
   Marge: Mmm, everyone likes you, you're a wonderful person.
   Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for
          jerks?
   Marge: I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer.
   Homer: It is.  It's been happening to me all my life.
           [flashback to kids climbing into a treefort]
     Boy: Hey Billy!  Hey Joey!  Come on in.  There's plenty of room.
          Sorry, not you, Homer.
   Homer: Why not?
           [boy points to sign, "No Homers Club"]
          But you let in Homer Glumplich.
Homer G.: [pops head out window] Hyuck hyuck!
     Boy: It says no Homer_s_.  We're allowed to have one.
   Homer: Oh...
           [back to the present]
   Homer: I felt so left out.
   Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
    Bart: [walking by] We can?  Thanks, Mom!
    Lisa: [from another room] Ow!  Cut it out, Bart!
-- A license to ill, "Homer the Great"

% Homer continues to mope the next day at dinner.

Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.
 Lisa: What do they do there, Dad?
  Abe: I'm a member --
Homer: What do they do?  What _don't_ they do?  [laughs] Oh, they do so
       many things they never stop.  Oh, the things they do there, my
       stars.
 Lisa: You don't know _what_ they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.
  Abe: I'm a Stonecutter --
 Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us
       ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever!  It's five years later and I _still_ think I'm a
       chicken.  I'm a chicken, Marge!
Marge: I know, I know.
 Bart: Maybe we should be listening to him now.
-- Bart, the voice of reason, "Homer the Great"

  Abe: I'm a member!
Homer: Huh?
  Abe: What?
Homer: What?
  Abe: Huh?
 Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?
  Abe: Oh, sure.  Let's see...[pulls out wallet, starts going through
       it] I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist.  I'm the president of the
       Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason...ah, here it is.  The
       Stonecutters.
Homer: This is it!  My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son
       of a member.  I'll take this communist one too.  [walks out]
-- McCarthy, no Springfieldian he, "Homer the Great"

% Homer drags Abe into the next meeting.

Homer: Coming through!  Can't throw me out, my father's a member.  I'm
       in, I'm in.
Lenny: OK, OK, Homer, you're in.  Just don't point that..._thing_ at me.
Homer: [pushes Grampa over] Aw, thanks, Lenny.  When am I going to be
       initiated?
 Carl: As soon as Number One gets here.
Homer: [scoffing] Number One?  Heh heh, what kind of stupid weiner name
       is that?  [dumb voice] Hello, my name is Number One.  Hee hee...
       [tiring of it] and so forth.
-- Mockery has its day, "Homer the Great"

Lenny: We call each other by number, not by name.  Carl is Number
       Fourteen, I'm Number Twelve.  Burnsie's Number 29.
Homer: [incredulous] _You_ outrank Mr. Burns here?
Lenny: Sure.  Watch -- hey, 29, get over here!
        [Burns walks over; Lenny pinches his nose]
Burns: [shudders] Thank you, Sir.  May I have another?
        [Lenny kicks him in the butt; he falls over]
        [ominous] Patience, Monty...climb the ladder.
-- The sword of Damocles returns, "Homer the Great"

% An man walks out from behind the curtain on stage and stands behind
% the podium.

Homer: Is he the leader?
  Moe: Of this chapter.  There are chapters all over the world.  And, it
       has been foretold that some day, a Chosen One will --
Homer: OK, OK, I didn't ask for your life story.
-- Homer the sympathetic listener, "Homer the Great"

% The blindfolded Homer is led to the front of the stage by Moe.

      Carl: Let the initiation begin.
Number One: All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith.  If you
            survive this five-story plunge, your character will be
            proven.
             [Homer whimpers]
       Moe: Happy landings!  [pushes him]
             [Homer falls two feet onto the floor; everyone laughs]
             [the floor collapses and Homer falls through with a yell
            and a crash -- five times consecutively]
     Homer: [from the bottom] I think I have to do it again.  My
            blindfold came off.
-- Playing by the rules, "Homer the Great"

% Number One leads the blindfolded Homer to the next test.

Number One: This ritual is called...Crossing the Desert.
             [Homer gets paddled on the butt by Hibbert, Skinner,
            Brockman, Krusty, Moe, Quimby, and Willy in succession]
Number One: And this, we call the Unblinking Eye.
             [he gets paddled by the same people in reverse order]
     Homer: Hey...have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is
            a lot like the Unblinking Eye.  And it's _exactly_ like the
            Wreck of the Hesperus.
Number One: And now, the final ordeal: the Paddling of the Swollen
            Ass...With Paddles.
-- Homer's initiation continues, "Homer the Great"

% At last, Homer takes the final oath.

     Homer: And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the
            secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated
            and my head be plucked of all but three hairs --
       Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everyone takes the same oath.  Welcome to the club, Number
            908.  You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters
            who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance
            that obscure the light of knowledge and truth.  Now let's
            all get drunk and play ping pong!
  Everyone: Yay!
       Moe: 'Cause he's already kind of heavy, you know, and --
-- Moe, who's never been on safari, "Homer the Great"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 9:04]
%
% Back in the Simpson basement, the pipe is still leaking.

Plumber: Well, to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part
         for you, so, uh, it's still going to be a couple of weeks.
  Homer: [sly] Oh, really?
Plumber: Yes...
  Homer: Really?
Plumber: Yes, yes.
  Homer: But what if I were to shake your hand in _this_ wise?
          [he and the plumber do a ridiculous handshake and pull up
         their shirts to reveal Stonecutters T-shirts]
Plumber: Whoa, I didn't realize you were a member!
          [fixes the pipe with one twist, fishes Snowball II out of the
         water]
-- Membership has its privileges[tm], "Homer the Great"

% On the way to work, Homer finds himself in a huge traffic jam again.
% "Heh heh heh, so long, suckers!" he calls, driving down a seldom-used
% road.  He stops in front of a big rock, pushes a Stonecutter garage
% door opener, and the rock splits in two, revealing a covered tunnel
% that leads straight to work.  Its walls are lined with paintings;
% Handel's "Water Music" plays over speakers.
%
% Homer parks at the plant next to the fence again.  Bart walks up on
% the other side and asks, "Same old space, huh, Dad?"  Homer affirms,
% "Yes, but they gave me these rollerblades so I can glide to the front
% door."  "Gliding" proves to be more like balancing with difficulty,
% but Homer laughs and says, "Sweet!" nonetheless.
%
% At Homer's work station, a workman brings in a new, nice chair for
% him.  Carl and Lenny watch.

Homer: Jealous?
Lenny: Well...no, we've got the same chair.
Homer: [smug] You're jealous.
Lenny: Your membership pack.  [hands it to him]
Homer: [pulls out a decal] What's this?
Lenny: You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets.
       And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet
       while they're working on you.
 Carl: Oh, and don't bother calling 911 any more...here's the _real_
       number.  [hands him a card with "912"]
Homer: Ooh!
-- 912 ain't no joke, "Homer the Great"

% {Homer reads to Lisa from the "Secret World History".}

      Lisa: {I _still_ don't believe all the founding fathers were
            Stonecutters.}
     Homer: {That's because you trust your stupid schoolbooks.  Here's
            what _really_ happened at the signing of the Declaration of
            Independence.
             [flash to signing]}
Washington: {And a nation is born.  Now let us party like 'twas 1799!
             [small kegs are rolled in; two men chug]}
  Everyone: {[chanting] Quaff!  Quaff!  Quaff!  Quaff!
             [a man lights a match, blows beer at it]
             [it makes a flamethrower and burns another man's wig]}
     Owner: {Please, sir!  You're destroying my establishment.}
       Man: {We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-
            life commoner.  [kicks him]}
     Homer: {[in the present] You want to see how Davy Crockett _really_
            died at the Alamo?  You must be eighteen...}
-- Or is that NC-17?, "Homer the Great"

% Marge walks in with a phone message for Homer, who drinks a beer on
% the couch.

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself You-Know-Who just invited you to
       a secret wink-wink at the you-know-what.  You certainly are
       popular now that you're a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah.  [reads from a book] "Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers,
       stein hoists, A.A. meetings, beer nights..." It's wonderful,
       Marge!  I've never felt so accepted in all my life.  These people
       look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the
       order in which I joined.  [sniffs tearily]
-- A true measure of worth, "Homer the Great"

% At the next meeting, everyone raises their glasses and sings.

Everyone: Who controls the British crown?
          Who keeps the metric system down?
          We do!  We do.
          Who leaves the Atlantis off the maps?  [shot of Carl]
          Who keeps the Martians under wraps?  [shot of Lenny]
          We do!  We do.  [shot of Martian]
          Who holds back the electric car?
          Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?  [shot of Steve]
          We do!  We do.
          Who robs cave fish of their sight?  [shot of Skinner]
          Who rigs every Oscar night?  [shot of Homer]
          We do!  We do.
-- The Stonecutters' call to order, "Homer the Great"

% Number One thanks everyone for the rousing chorus.

Number One: Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's
            1500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous
            occasion...we're havin' ribs.
             [everyone cheers as caterers roll carts out]
     Homer: Uh oh, I need a bib.  If I slop any on my shirt, I could
            lose the respect of my beloved bretheren.
Number One: So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the
            hallowed, sacred parchment.
             [everyone looks, gasps to see it gone]
     Lenny: Homer...[points at his "bib" -- the parchment]
     Homer: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Thanks, Lenny.  [wipes his mouth with it]
Number One: This is just appalling and outrageous!
     Homer: What, did I miss something?  [wipes his mouth again]
             [everyone murmurs angrily]
    Krusty: Oh...
       Moe: Oh, God!
     Lenny: Oh, Homer, no!  [Homer cleans his ears] This is outrageous:
            you can't do that!  [Homer blows his nose] No!
      Carl: You really are stupid.
-- Hallowed, sacred, slightly soiled parchment, "Homer the Great"

% The sacred parchment, now torn and smeared, is hung again on the wall.
% Homer is forced to leave the Stonecutters.

            [Homer hands over his robe]
Number One: And the official Stonecutter underwear too.
     Homer: Aw.  [hands it over]
             [Number One places them on a fire; ghosts fly out of them
            as they burn up]
     Homer: Please don't kick me out.  This society is everything to me.
            Please give me another chance.  I've learned my lesson!
            I've!  Learned!  My!  Les!  Son!  [pounds parchment five
            times in his misery]
             [everyone clamors for more punishment]
            Oh, sorry.
-- Homer "learns" another lesson, "Homer the Great"

Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration
            of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished
            from the stonecutters forever.  And as a final humiliation,
            you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of
            Shame.
             [someone snaps a metal collar around his neck]
             [he starts to walk out when everyone gasps and points]
   Hibbert: The mark!
     Homer: Oh, that.  It's just a birthmark.  And I'll thank you not to
            stare!
       Moe: He's the Chosen One!
             [everyone bows low before him]
Number One: You are the Chosen One whom the sacred parchment prophesied
            would lead us to glory!  Now to the top of Mount Springfield
            for the coronation!  Remove the Shone of Shame.
     Homer: Woo hoo!
Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
     Homer: B'oh!
  Everyone: Yay!  [they all run off]
             [Homer strains like anything with the new larger stone]
-- Rags to riches, "Homer the Great"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:50]
%
% Homer, newly dressed in a special outfit, runs out onto a stage and
% marvels as the rest of the Stonecutters bow down.  "Wow.  Mental note:
% don't overdo this," he says.  He walks off and everyone stands, but he
% then hops back out and everyone bows again.  And, in true Homer
% fashion, keeps running out and running in while everyone is forced to
% keep standing then bowing again.
%
% At home, an artist finishes painting a portrait of the Chosen One atop
% Mount Springfield with a heavenly light shining on him while the other
% Stonecutters stare with wonder.  The real Homer sits on the couch,
% dazed, his robes open, a beer in one hand.

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god.  And now I know there is
       -- and it's me.
Marge: You're not a god, Homer.
 Lisa: Remember Dad, "All glory is fleeting."
Homer: So?
 Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March."
Homer: No!
 Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not going to
       last forever.
Homer: Everything lasts forever.
 Lisa: Don't you see?  Getting what you want all the time will
       ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer: Remove the girl...
 Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now.  There are no lackeys
       around to carry out your every --
        [Bart covers her mouth, drags her away, then salutes]
-- Bart, Homer's lackey?, "Homer the Great"

% At the bowling alley, Homer bowls with the Chosen One ball.  He hits
% the pins well, but one pin wobbles then decides to stay up.  Chief
% Wiggum unholsters his gun and shoots it down.  "Another strike for the
% chosen one!  Hurrah!" calls the assembled group of Stonecutters.  "Woo
% hoo!" cheers Homer.
%
% At the pool table, Homer breaks, and all the balls follow roundabout
% paths to the right corner pocket.  "Well that's just an excellent
% break," comments Moe, and the others agree.  The camera pulls back to
% reveal a man tilting the table strongly.
%
% At the poker table, Carl shows a pair of tens, Wiggum a pair of kings,
% Lenny three twos, and Moe two aces.

   Homer: Uh...I'm out.
    Carl: No, no no, Homer, you have the Royal, um...Sampler.  [three
          six ten jack king]
   Homer: [bored] Oh, I win again, don't I. Woo hoo.
           [everyone congratulates him]
          You know, I think you guys are letting me win.
Everyone: No!  No...
   Homer: From now on you want me to be honest with me.  I mean, I'm not
          perfect, right?
    Carl: Uh...y -- uh, yeah.
  Wiggum: Um, well, y -- na -- y -- na -- um --
     Moe: Um, y -- uh -- y -- n -- run!
           [everyone takes off]
-- A hard time with the truth, "Homer the Great"

% In Lisa's class at school, Skinner walks in.

 Skinner: [to Lisa] The Grand Exulted Leader requests a moment of your
          time.  [claps hands] Class dismissed!
Children: Yay!
  Hoover: Yay.
   Homer: [walks in] Lisa, you were right.  My happiness _is_ fading.
    Lisa: You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has
          isolated you from other human beings.
   Homer: What do you mean, isolated?
           [echo in the class: "ated...ated...ated...ated"]
    Lisa: Well, maybe you could reach out to the community and help
          other people.
   Homer: Hmm...I _could_ help others.  [slowly] I'll get a bunch of
          monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the civil war.
    Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people!
   Homer: Couldn't hurt...unless the monkeys start hurting people.
          Which they almost certainly would.
-- It was the best of times..., "Homer the Great"

% At the next Stonecutter meeting, Homer bangs his gavel as the crowd
% toast each other with beer steins.  They turn to face him and cheer.

Homer: Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson: helping others makes
       our own lives better and makes us better people.  So instead of
       just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use
       what we have to help the less fortunate.
        [crowd stares, dumbfounded; crickets chirp]
  Moe: He's gone mad with power like that Albert Schweitzer guy.
-- Albert, Adolf, what's the difference, "Homer the Great"

% So Homer starts a "Stonecutters Daycare Center" in front of the
% Stonecutter temple.  Homer seesaws with a bunch of kids at once;
% Barney is covered with children as he walks; Lenny and Carl play
% jumprope with a child.  At the top of a twirly tube slide, Moe calls
% "Whee!" and slides down with a child in his lap.  Only the child makes
% it to the bottom, though, as Moe calls out, "Ooh, for the love of God!
% Somebody get the jaws of life."
%
% Herman throws a ball at a child with his arm, and Monty Burns tries to
% push a child in a swing.  "Higher!" screams the hardly-moving child,
% "Higher!"  Monty intones, "Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little
% urchin," and pushes hard.  He forgets to move out of the way, though,
% and gets smucked in the face first, then the back of the head.
% "You've won this round," he concedes, only to get smacked by the child
% again.
%
% Homer assembles the crew to repaint an apartment building covered with
% graffiti.  The superintendent walks out and kisses Homer.  "It looks
% so much better...a beautiful sky blue," she admires as a helicopter
% crashes into it.
%
% At home, the pets watch Homer with respect as he talks to his family.

     Homer: You were right, Lisa: I've never felt so spiritually
            fulfilled.  And with my brothers the Stonecutters behind me,
            this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.
       Moe: We've got to kill him!
Number One: Take it easy, Moe.  Let's hear from the Stonecutter world
            council before we act too rashly.
   Orville: Kill him.
 Nicholson: Kill him.
     Mr. T: Kill the fool!
      Bush: I'm afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and Mr.
            Can't we just do something to his voice box?
-- Sage World Council advice, "Homer the Great"

Number One: We might as well face the truth: as long as we're
            Stonecutters, he will control our lives.
       Moe: Maybe...but _maybe_ we don't want to be Stonecutters no
            more.
             [a crane removes a "Baskin Robbins" sign and replaces it
            with "Abandoned Store"]
Number One: Silence!  I now call to order the first meeting of the
            ancient mystic society of...No Homers.
             [George Bush unveils a logo]
  Everyone: Yay!
     Homer: [knocking] Hey fellahs, can I join?
Number One: Sorry...no Homers.
  Homer G.: Hyuck hyuck.
-- No Homers, plural, already!, "Homer the Great"

% So Homer calls a meeting at the old Stonecutter meeting hall.

    Homer: Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the
           Battle of Gettysburg.
            [camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed monkeys]
    Marge: [walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with
           these globus monkeys.  Somebody's going to get parasites.
    Homer: Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.
    Marge: Oh, Homey.  You know, you _are_ a member of a very exclusive
           club.
    Homer: Black panthers?
    Marge: No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and
           only two of those members have special rings.
Bart+Lisa: Yeah!
            [they blow on their whistle rings]
    Marge: I meant our wedding rings!
-- "Homer the Great"

Homer: You know, Marge, you're right.  The Simpson family is the best
       possible club I could belong to.
        [group hug]
        [at home, Bart paddles Homer]
Homer: This club better be worth it!
        [Bart paddles Homer more]
Marge: All right, all right.  It's Lisa's turn.
-- Democracy in the Simpson family club, "Homer the Great"

% [End of Act Thre.  Time: 21:04]
%
% Over the credits, the Stonecutter theme song plays.  When the Gracie
% logo appears and the woman says "Shh!", Carl's voice says, "Shut up!"
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {ag}  Arkadi Galon
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {ert} Elson Trinidad
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
   {cw}  Chris Wong
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)