Lisa on Ice                                              Written by Mike Scully
                                                       Directed by Bob Anderson
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F05                       Original airdate in N.A.: 13-Nov-94
                                                  Capsule revision F, 22-Feb-97
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- I will not dissect things unless instructed.
              I will not dissect things unless instruc/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- When the family sits down, the couch springs them off,
              sticking their heads firmly into the ceiling.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
    ... Homer's head makes a large dent in the range hood?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... Lisa pulls Jimbo's shirt over his head -- just like hockey
        players do when they fight?
    ... Snake's prisoner number is 7F20 -- the code of the episode in
        which he first appeared?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Bart's (new?) pajamas have "feet" and a buttoned-up "rear flap"
        (i.e. they're "Doctor Dentons")?
    ... Dolph's Newton has a green apple with a worm as its logo,
        instead of the Apple "rainbow apple"?
    ... Lisa tries to throw the note into the wastebasket with her left
        hand?
    ... Sherri, Terri, and the light-blue-haired girl with the glasses
        who sits behind Bart are at basketball and volleyball tryouts?
    ... everybody wears identical outfits, except that Lisa's shoes are
        black instead of blue at basketball?
    ... Marge dribbles the ball with both hands?
    ... when Lisa grabs the ketchup Bart passes to Homer, her necklace
        stretches; you can see space between the "pearls"?
    ... Moe calls Marge "Midge" and "Blanche"?
    ... Lisa's helmet and mask come off when Dolph and two teammates
        charge her?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... when Marge signs Lisa's Academic Alert card, it's still crinkled
        after being wadded up?
    ... Bart has a pet turtle?
    ... OFF doesn't have grounded outlets in their kitchen?
    ... OFF has a cubist (or at least post-impressionist) painting in
        their dining room?

Tony Hill:
    ... the death counter resembles slot machine wheels?
    ... the assembly is called at 11:24 a.m.?
    ... Milhouse wears his glasses outside his hockey mask?
    ... Lisa is allowed inside the boys' locker room?
    ... Apu has desert landscape paintings on his walls?
    ... Wiggum starts the riot, followed by the seniors?

Dave Hall:
    ... Bart is doing homework in front of the TV?
    ... the bags under Kent Brockman's eyes?
    ... the weather forecast map doesn't show which state Springfield is
        in?
    ... Bart landing on his butt when he slides down the banister?
    ... Martin sitting beside Wendell in the auditorium?
    ... Kearney needs a reminder for beating up Martin?
    ... Homer is left-handed while Marge is right-handed?
    ... the family don't wear seat belts?
    ... Maggie laughs at Homer's joke about killing Bart, too?
    ... the hockey player on the cake at Apu's?
    ... the tiny X on Snake's forehead?
    ... Maggie waving at Lisa?
    ... young Lisa didn't always wear her pearl necklace?
    ... Maggie looks really cute when she's mad?

Martin Landauer:
    ... although Snake's English is ostensibly Oxbridge English, it's
        Americanized because he says "like" in, "Those kids are, _like_,
        so sweet"?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Channel Six announcer, Homer, Abe, Krusty, Hans
      Moleman)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Kearney, Ralph, Nelson)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (weatherman, Wiggum, Apu, reporter, man on Monster
      Island, Snake, Moe)
    - Harry Shearer (Kent Brockman, Skinner, inauguration man, rink
      announcer)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Jimbo, Milhouse)
    - Tress MacNeille (Lisa's gym teacher)
    - Maggie Roswell (volleyball coach) [uncredited by accident?  - ed]
    - Russi Taylor (Martin, Uter, Sherri & Terri)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + "Darkwing Duck" {ab}
    - Bart says "I love being a S-s-s-simpson" in the style of Camille
      the Chameleon, who is also voiced by Nancy Cartwright
  + "The Mighty Ducks"
    - team name, "The Mighty Pigs", and their logo
    - three players bowling Lisa over in the net {av}
  + "Gamera" [as seen on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" - ed]
    - Homer returns Bart's small turtle, and Kenny owns a small turtle,
      Tibby, in the film
    - one of the monsters chasing Lisa in her future is a fire-breathing
      turtle, very similar to Gamera
  + "A League of their Own" {av}
    - Geena Davis catches a baseball in her bare hand (just like Lisa
      catching the puck)
  + "Slapshot"
    - similar ending: principal character, on ice, ignores riot

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [7G06] Lisa has a problem in gym class {av}
- [7F08] "If you lose, you're out of the family!"  (cf. "I'll kill
  you!")  {av}
- [7F08] Bart decides friendship is more important that winning {av}
- [7F08] Homer thinks of a tie as both sides losing {mk}
- [8F12] Moe the bookie {av}
- [8F16] The music from the "World Without Zinc" film is used {ab}
- [8F17] A book is tossed on the fire {av}
- [8F18] Marge is referred to as "Blanche"
- [9F01] Ganeesha, Apu's god, appears {dh}
- [9F08] Homer: "I like those odds!"
- [1F11], [2F04] Nelson justifies beating up Bart {av}

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- The visible part of the warning slip: {mk}
 
  ...MIC WARNING
  ...ca imaegtsiad tsnhoji namreb
  ...ninul nosilla toi easlnpxit alne
  ...otilodivad at saeonarf trauts.
  ______________________
  PARENTS SIGNATURE
 
- Gym sign: {mk}
 
      Springfield
     Youth  Center
  "Building Unrealistic
    Hopes Since 1966"
 
- The Kwik-E-Mart Gougers: Jimbo, Kearney, Nelson, Uter, Milhouse, Lisa
  {av}
- The Mighty Pigs: Bart, Dolph, Ralph, Lewis.  {av}
- Rink sign: {mk} Tonight: Championship Hockey Tomorrow: Entertain
  Yourselves, Dammit!
- In the crowd at the final game: Homer, Marge, Maggie, Grampa, Jasper,
  Charlie, Lenny, Carl, Snake, Hans, Willy, and one of Quimby's guards
  {ddg}
    - Matthew Kurth adds, "Groundskeeper Willie is in the seat above and
      to the left of Marge, and Ms.  Hoover is three rows back from
      Marge at the championship game.
- A sign in the rink: {mk}
 
     MOE'S BAR
  The 70's Are Back
    So Let's Drink
     Like It.
 
- Another sign in the rink: {mk}
 
   Menthol
  Moose Says:
    "Smoke
   Laramies!

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
The opening scene shows a snowstorm outside the house, yet there's no
snow on the ground during the snowstorm, and no sign of snow, nor any
puddles, the next day.  {ddg}

The family doesn't have a fireplace where Bart throws the book.  {dh}

Mrs. Krabappel's clipboard appears out of thin air.  {dh}

Wendell changes seats in the auditorium.  {dh}

Bart can't be enrolled in as many subjects to be (near) failing in as
the stack of cards Homer signed would indicate.  {mk}

Lisa's hair has been demonstrated to be as soft as anyone else's; why
would it puncture the ball?  {mk}

After Bart takes the slapshot at Milhouse in the first game, the blue
line he skates to turns red.  {av}

Sometimes the goal crease is shaded blue, sometimes not.  {ddg}

When Jimbo dumps the puck into the Pigs' zone in the first game, the
goal line is blue.  It's red in real hockey.  {av}

Just before the pile-up that sends the puck slowly into the net under
Milhouse, a player smacks the puck down the other end of the rink.  The
puck looks as though it's on the boards, not on the ice.

When the puck goes slowly across the ice and underneath the tied
Milhouse, the linesman in the background signals "wash-out" (in this
case, "not offside"), but he's not standing over any line like he's
supposed to be.  {ddg}

How could the puck slide that far on its own?  {th}

Bart's turtle disappears.  {dh}

Bart and Lisa switch places when Apu looks up at them.  {dh}

It's not like Marge to lie about having Milhouse's teeth.  {ddg}

How did Marge _get_ Milhouse's teeth, anyway?  {mk}

Why is Bart at Apu's apartment when he's not on their team?  {mk}

Marge says "play the basketball" and "Harvey Globetrotter", yet she
knows what a "Shaq Attaq" is.  {ddg}

The Simpsons don't have a basketball hoop over the garage.  See other
episodes.  {dh}

It's daylight during "the basketball" scene, yet it is dark outside when
the clock in Lisa's room read 4:37 p.m.  And the "Cops" marathon is an
hour old.  {th}

When Marge flips the light on and off in Lisa's room, up is on and down
is off, but when Homer does, it's the other way around.  {mk}

Homer shouldn't be able to pick up Marge's pie with his bare hands if
she had just taken it out of the oven.  {dh}

Snake is serving time in the Springfield City Jail (as opposed to the
Springfield Penitentiary).  {ddg}

When Wiggum lets the prisoners out, we _don't_ see Snake run out along
with them, yet he's at the game.

Why would Grampa Simpson buy groceries?  {th}

The building behind the sign that says "TONIGHT: CHAMPIONSHIP HOCKEY"
looks more like the Springfield Auditorium than the Springfield Skating
Rink.  {ddg}

Moe knows Marge's name in [1F20]; why does he forget it now?

When Bart scores on Lisa in the final game, he passes two blue lines in
the Gougers' zone.  {av}

In the same scene, Bart is depicted skating away from a goalie wearing
_green_.  But it should be a goalie wearing his own color -- blue.

Typical goof of hearing clapping and cheering from a visibly quiet
audience.  {dh}

Freeze-frame the crowd as Bart and Lisa skate off the rink - one of the
angry mob changes from black to yellow repeatedly!  {mk}

Snake only has one pocket on his shirt during his speech, while the
inmate next to him has two.  {mk}

The hockey rules are odd.  (see comments section)

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Aaron Varhola: A very good episode; clean ref's, gags that work, and I
    liked Lisa's transformation into a gung-ho goalie.  Some may
    consider the ending sappy, but I liked it; it showed good continuity
    with Bart and Lisa's behavior toward each other when things get
    serious.  [...] An A, but just barely.

Rick Diamant: My main problem wasn't that Homer didn't have enough good
    lines, he had way too many BAD lines.  He was just plain mean
    throughout the show, and never redeemed himself.  It sort of
    reminded me of when he was giving Marge the business about having a
    gambling problem, but he was like that the whole show.

Marc Singer: It's rare for the animation to make or break an episode for
    me, but the swill they showed last night was terrible.  And it was
    too bad, because it was otherwise a pretty decent episode.  Homer is
    still far too stupid, but the rest was good.  A great ending, and
    Snake is hilarious as always.

Carl Frank: Animation was _excellent_, but plot had few, if any
    references, and not even many "Homerisms" ("Now they're both
    losers").  Maggie taking a brief turn at shot blocking was nice.
    Lisa and Bart at the end was similar to 7F08.  Overall ranking: B-
    (mostly for the animation).

Gary Meadows: How to make this a B+ episode: go back to your tape and
    simply delete all instances of Homer.  So many elements, yet Homer
    kept popping up being a jerk.  I figured that I'd put up with it and
    Homer would redeem himself in the end, instead we got a bunch of
    crap about how both of his kids were losers.

Al Wesolowsky: I absolutely loved Lisa's transformation into one tuff
    goalie and the panache with which she handled the shots coming her
    way.  And what about Maggie getting the spirit of competitive
    violence, furrowing her little brow and glaring at the action?

Charles D. Hall: Grrrr!  Who was responsible for last night's
    monstrosity?  He should be forced to apologize on the air, and then
    be fired from the show, sterilized, and sent to live like an animal
    in the sewers below Los Angeles for the rest of his life.

Don Del Grande: A-minus - definitely one of the better episodes, with a
    nice violent touch on the telegraphed "Bart and Lisa are friends as
    the game ends in a tie" ending.  I was surprised none of the players
    made fun of Lisa being a girl (Marge and Homer were the only ones to
    mention it).

Carl Mueller: The stories are no longer clever, instead they're complete
    crap.  I think they are trying to fill an obvious lack of story
    creativity with gags, and it's getting REALLY old.  Duh, me lose
    brain?  Why I laugh?

Bailey Irwin: The only nice thing I'll say about this episode is that a
    few of the throwaway lines and gags were quite good.  But a handful
    of isolated jokes don't atone for a completely unoriginal and
    unbelievable plot that violated most of what we know about Homer,
    Marge, Lisa and Bart, and just plain wasn't funny.  My grade: D.

Warren Hagey: This was a great episode.  I'm glad to finally see some
    hockey.  The conflict between Bart and Lisa was wonderful, and
    Homer's treatment of his children was all too realistic.  Homer once
    again makes the show, but Apu and Chief Wiggum as the coaches were
    splendid as well.  A-.

Matthew Kurth: This episode seemed to be fighting itself, almost as if
    it wasn't sure whether to be from season five or from season three.
    There were several great moments, but a lot of things that just
    weren't right.  The resolution lifted from 7F08 didn't help.  An
    episode that tried to be a 10, but didn't quite make it. 8/10

Tony Hill: This was a fabulous episode, the sappy ending
    notwithstanding.  The chants of "Kill, Bart"/"Kill Bart" were OFF's
    sinister best.  The riot was simply that.  I give "Lisa on Ice" an
    A.

Yours truly: Hmm.  I'm torn.  On the one hand, there were lots of
    unrealistic things (the bullies on a sports team, Lisa playing in
    male hockey, Homer's behavior), but there quite a few classic scenes
    ("Competitive violence!" being my favorite).  I think it's a C-.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> The Butthead Memorial Auditorium

This is referring to the MTV cartoon, "Beavis and Butthead".  Aaron
    Varhola writes, "This is also a veiled reference to an incident in
    Greenwood, South Carolina, where children decided to name a new
    elementary school `Springfield Elementary School'.  I wonder where
    they got that idea.  :) (See Simpsons Comics #3 and #5 for the
    story)."

>> Lisa's future as President

Don Del Grande says that "I now pronounce you President of these United
    States" is not part of the inauguration ceremony.  "When the
    President is done taking the oath, the presiding officer (usually
    the Chief Justice of the United States) usually shakes the
    President's hand and adds congratulations."

>> Realistic hockey rules

Don Del Grande lists the national high school rules for hockey and
    contrasts the rules in this episode.

    - Periods last 15 minutes; the clock said 20:00 at the start of the
      game.  (I find it hard to believe school kids would play 60
      minutes of hockey; they did play three periods.)
    - All players are required to wear face masks; only the goalies were
      wearing them.  Also, players are required to wear tooth guards
      (mouthpieces), but none are.
    - Falling or diving on the puck (other than the goalie) is a minor
      penalty, as is body-checking somebody (Bart) into the boards, as
      is body-checking the goalie (Lisa) in the crease.  (Note that
      there were a number of times players held the stick "high" (more
      than 4 feet/1.3m off the ground), especially when taking
      slapshots, but it's not a penalty unless a referee feels it is
      "likely to cause injury" or contact is made.)
    - If any game is tied after three periods, an eight-minute sudden-
      death period must be played before the game is declared a tie.
    - The clock does not run during a penalty shot; if the shot is
      missed, there is a faceoff in one of the circles in front of the
      fouling team's goalie.

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]
%
% Everyone but Marge sits in front of the TV.

 Announcer: It's "Channel Six Action News."
             [several explosions are shown]
      Bart: Ah, Action News.  The last place an impressionable kid can
            go for TV violence.
 Announcer: And now, here's your Action Anchor[tm], Kent Brockman.
      Kent: [jumping in, panting] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman!  Our top
            stories tonight: a tremendous _explosion_ in the price of
            lumber, President Reagan _dyes_...his hair, plus Garry
            Trudeau and his new musical comedy revue.  But first!  Let's
            check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on
            us like a shotgun full of snow.
Weatherman: Well, Kent, as of now the death count is zero.  But it _is_
            ready to shoot right up.
      Kent: Oh my God.  [shakes fist at heaven] Damn you snow!
-- Doing what's needed for ratings, "Lisa on Ice"

% Bart is jubilant upon hearing of the snowstorm.

      Bart: All right!  Snow day.  No school tomorrow!  [throws his
            schoolbook on the fire]
      Lisa: That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report.
            What if the weatherman is wrong?
      Bart: Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist.
Weatherman: Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me
            at the Springfield Laff'N'Brew, and burgers and fries this
            Saturday.  The forecast calls for a 75% chance of hilarity!
     Homer: I like those odds...
-- Professional barbequer too, "Lisa on Ice"

% The next morning at seven o'clock, Bart sleeps peacefully in bed when
% Lisa throws open his door and yells "Snowball fight!"  Bart wakes up
% groggily, only to be pounded in the face with a ball of snow.  Lisa
% chuckles unkindly, then takes off with Bart in hot pursuit.  She runs
% out the front door.

 Bart: You're going to eat a blizzard of...[looks around] unseasonable
       warmth?
 Lisa: I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer!  [laughs]
        [all the other kids around laugh]
Jimbo: Nice PJs, Simpson.  Did your mommy buy 'em for ya?
 Bart: Of course she did.  Who else would have?
Jimbo: [thinks] [menacing] All right, Simpson, you win _this_ round.
-- I know you are, but what am I?, "Lisa on Ice"

% No snow day, indeed.  Bart sits in class and frets about his
% unfinished book report.

   Edna: OK, it's book report time.  We'll do them alphabetically.
         Today it's A through M.
   Bart: I'm saved!  I love being a S-s-s-s-simpson.
   Edna: Let's see, we have no A's, so let's go right to the B's.  Bart?
   Bart: Huh?
   Edna: Hah!
   Bart: [slowly] Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't --
Skinner: [over PA] Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal,
         with a message from the Principal's Office.  All students
         please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead
         Memorial Auditorium.  [to himself] Dammit, I wish we hadn't let
         the students name that one.
-- Memorial?  Butthead's dead?, "Lisa on Ice"

% In the auditorium, Skinner speaks to the children.

Skinner: Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.  Test
         scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these
         academic alerts.  [hold stack of cards] You will receive one as
         soon as your grades start to slip in any subject.  This way
         your parents won't have to wait until report card time to
         punish you.
 Martin: How innovative.  I like it!
Kearney: Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin.
          [Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" which the Newton translates as
         "Eat up Martha"]
         Bah!  [throws Newton]
 Martin: [being bonked on the head] Ow!
-- Good ol' Apple Computer, "Lisa on Ice"

Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
  Ralph: I won, I won!  [walks on stage]
Skinner: No no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
  Ralph: Me fail English?  That's unpossible!
Skinner: Mundt, Nelson, you're failing History, Geography, and Math,
         but, er, you're doing quite well in Home Ec.
 Nelson: Hey, keep it down, man.  [uncomfortable] Ha ha.
Skinner: Simpson --
          [Bart gulps]
         -- Lisa.
   Lisa: [walking up] Grades are all I have!  What could I be failing?
         I'm smart and a teacher's pet.
          [gets card, reads it] Gym?!  That's the stupidest thing I ever
         heard!
          [balls up card, throws it towards garbage can, misses]
-- Well, failing basketball, anyway, "Lisa on Ice"

% At home, Homer signs one of the academic alerts.

Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning.  I
       really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew!  That's all of 'em.  [puts stack in front of Bart] And I'm
       so proud you didn't try to forge my name.  How about a present,
       son?
 Bart: Well, I _could_ use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
 Lisa: That's not fair.  Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting
       chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.
-- Homerian philosophy, "Lisa on Ice"

% Lisa asks her gym teacher what to do.

Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of
         those peewee teams outside the school.
   Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into
         vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams
         of glory?
Teacher: Look, I don't need this.  I inhaled my favorite whistle this
         morning!
-- Lisa talks to her gym teacher, "Lisa on Ice"

% So Lisa attends tryouts at the Springfield Youth Center.  At the
% basketball tryouts, the other children manage to dribble with their
% hands, yet Lisa can only do it with her forehead.  At the volleyball
% tryouts, someone serves to Lisa and she raises her arms to bump it,
% but it lands on a spike of her hair and deflates.  The coach walks out
% and mourns, "Children, that was our only ball.  They'll be no team
% this year."
%
% Lisa is despondent at home.

 Lisa: [sobs] Mom, this is really scary.  I'm going to get my first F
       ever.
Marge: Cheer up!  So you're not good at sports: it's a very small part
       of life.
Homer: [walking in, humming] Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports,
       sports, sports, sports...Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat
       today because he's a good guy at sports.
Marge: [whispering] I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight.
       How about letting her ride up front too?
        [Homer looks at Bart, who shakes his head]
Homer: Ehh, I tried.
-- Not very hard, as usual, "Lisa on Ice"

% In the car, on the way to the hockey arena, Bart sits in the front
% while Marge, Maggie, and Lisa are relegated to the back.

Homer: OK son, just remember to have fun out there today.  And if you
       lose, I'll kill you!
        [everyone laughs]
 Bart: [good-humored] Oh, Dad.
Homer: [looks menacingly at Bart]
 Bart: [cringes]
-- "Lisa on Ice"

% Chief Wiggum, coach of Bart's team (the Mighty Pigs), incites his team
% to beat the Kwik-E-Mart Gougers coached by Apu.  Milhouse plays goal
% for the Gougers, his glasses on outside his mask.  "I could have been
% equipment manager, but no..." he laments angrily.  Bart stickhandles
% flashily towards him, then winds up and takes a slapshot.  It hits
% Milhouse's mask right between the eyes, knocking him over.
%
% Apu helps Milhouse up, but the poor boy seems unconscious.  "Our
% goalie cannot stand up," Apu muses, then calls, "Tell you what: get
% some rope."  Milhouse is tied spreadeagled to the goalposts; he looks
% up briefly, only to have his head slump over again.
%
% A Pigs player slaps the puck down to the other end of the rink and a
% giant pile-up ensues.  The puck breaks free and slides slowly down the
% ice, straight towards Milhouse.  He blows at it feebly to impede its
% progress as Apu calls, "Defense, defense!  Come on, you call that
% blowing?"  But Milhouse can only watch helplessly as it slides under
% him into the goal.  The referee blows his whistle just as the buzzer
% goes with the score now 3-2.  "Oh yes!" cries Wiggum, "We won!  We
% won!  Um, unfortunately, because I bet on the other team, heh, we
% won't be going for pizza."  His team sighs.

Homer: Well, boy, you won.  So I'm going to live up to my side of the
       agreement: here's your turtle, alive and well.
 Bart: [taking it] Aw, thanks, Dad.  [they hug] How about some adulation
       from my little sister?
 Lisa: Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a
       concussion.
-- He didn't ask for _sincere_ adulation, "Lisa on Ice"

% Bart gets angry and positions himself in front of some garbage on the
% floor.  "Aw, you're just jealous because you!  Stink!  At!  Sports!"
% he tells Lisa, punctuating his speech with slapshots of garbage at
% her.  She blocks them all, yelling "Quit it, Bart!"  A can flies off
% and hits Apu in the head, whereupon he turns around and sees Lisa
% fending off Bart's attack.  "Ooh, you know I wonder...if her skills
% would transfer over to the game of hockey.  Well, only one way to be
% sure."  He throws a puck down on the ice and calls, "Heads up, little
% girl!" slapping it at her.  She screams and ducks, catching it in one
% hand.  She looks at it disbelievingly.
%
% Apu runs towards her joyously: "The goalie of my dreams!"  He hugs her
% and says, "Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke.  He
% goes back and hits another puck at her which she bats away with a
% stick.  It hits Milhouse who cries, "Hey!  Way to knock out my teeth."
% Apu encourages him, "Yeah, that's it, Milhouse, keep up the chatter."
%
% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:11]
%
% At dinner Homer feels the need to comment on Lisa's hockey talent.

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't --
       it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil
       wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.
Marge: I think women should be able to play any sport men play, but
       hockey is so violent and dangerous -- look at Milhouse's teeth.
        [open her hand]
 Bart: Mom, will you stop showing us those?
-- Marge's darker side, "Lisa on Ice"

    Lisa: I _have_ to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me
          for the rest of my life.
           [in the future, Lisa is being sworn in]
     Man: I now pronounce you President of these United --
Reporter: Stop the inauguration!  I just discovered our President Elect
          got an F in second grade gym class!
           [crows gasps; Lisa is handcuffed]
     Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster
          Island.  [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.
           [Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
    Lisa: He said it was just a name!
     Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.
-- Lisa's future, "Lisa on Ice"

% Milhouse knocks on the door with a dentist and asks, "Do you have my
% teef?"  Everyone looks at Marge, who closes her fist around them and
% says, "No..."
%
% At the next hockey game, Homer walks into the dressing room with Lisa
% to lay down some rules.

Homer: OK, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to
       make a few things clear.
 Lisa: [embarrassed] Please, Dad, I'll be fine
Homer: [makes negative mumbling noises at Lisa] I don't want anyone to
       give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no
       taunting -- [spots Uter]
        [guffaws] Look, that kid's got bosoms!  Who's got a wet towel?
        [chases Uter, laughing] Come here, you butterball.
 Uter: [screams] Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!
-- Uter and the chocolate explosion, "Lisa on Ice"

% During the game, at first Lisa feels unsure of herself and afraid of
% the puck.  Rather than stopping the puck to help her team, she fends
% it off as though frightened, which accomplishes the same effect.

       [Homer and Bart laugh]
Marge: [covering her eyes] I can't even watch.  I don't know how you two
       can sit her laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably
       scared to death.
Homer: We're laughing _with_ her, Marge.  There's a big difference.
 Lisa: [off-camera] Aah!
        [Homer and Bart burst out laughing again]
        [Marge looks disapprovingly at Homer]
Homer: [to Marge, quickly] With her.
-- Lisa's first hockey game, "Lisa on Ice"

% Lisa looks for some praise after the game.

 Lisa: You really think I did OK out there, Mom?
Marge: Absolutely, honey.  By blocking the net, I really think you
       helped your team.
-- Marge's trenchant insight, "Lisa on Ice"

% Homer drives the car around to get the family.

Homer: OK, little buddy: hop in!
        [Bart steps forward]
       Ah bah!  I mean my little _girl_ buddy.
 Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent
       competitive behavior.  However, I _will_ sit up front with you if
       it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: [kindly] OK, hon.  [she gets in]
       Sucker!  Competitive violence, that's why you're here!  [laughs]
-- Such a devious ruse, "Lisa on Ice"

% Lisa eventually learns to trade her fear of the puck for anger.
% Whereas she once stopped the puck out of fear, she now does so with
% verve, growling fiercely.  At a team party, Apu reflects on the
% season.

     Apu: We're having our best season ever.  And I would like to say
          that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh?
          It's all because of Lisa.
 Kearney: Let's hear it for Lisa!
           [Bart looks sullen]
Milhouse: Hey Bart, if Lisa's better than you at hockey, does that mean
          you're going to become better than her at school?
    Bart: [gasps] Maybe I will, Milhouse.  Maybe I will.
           [in class, Bart grins and puts up his hand]
    Edna: Who can tell me the capital of Spain?  Bart Simpson?
    Edna: [later] The square root of 36?  Bart Simpson?
    Edna: [later] Who freed the slaves?  Bart Simpson?
    Edna: [later] Bart Simpson?
    Edna: [later] Bart Simpson?
    Edna: [later] Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand?  You
          haven't had one right answer all day.
    Bart: Sorry.
-- A for effort, however, "Lisa on Ice"

          [Jimbo and Kearney restrain Bart]
  Nelson: [beating on Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
    Lisa: [punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head]
          Lay off, guys!  He's with me.
           [Kearney and Nelson back away]
   Jimbo: [points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be
          your sister's brother.
    Lisa: Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.
           [everyone points and laughs]
 Skinner: I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more!  [laughs]
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for
          protection..._and_ to be seen!
-- The new Simpson pants-wearer, "Lisa on Ice"

% At home, Homer looks in the fridge.

 Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad.  We missed the first two episodes of
       "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato.  We'd ask
       you to come, but...you know.
 Bart: Oh.
Marge: Bart, _I_ can spend some time with you.
 Bart: I don't know, Mom.
Marge: Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your
       mother.  I know: how about we play the basketball?  I'm no Harvey
       Globetrotter, but --
 Bart: Ohh...
       {[outside, Marge dribbles with two hands]}
Marge: {Watch out for the Shaq attaq!
        [throws the ball at Bart's face]}
 Bart: {Ow!}
Marge: {I told you to watch out...}
-- Marge O'Neal, "Lisa on Ice"

% Lisa becomes ever more bestial on ice.

 Lisa: Milhouse!  Knock him down if he's in your way.
       Jimbo!  Jimbo, go for the face!
       Look!  Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard.  Hack the bone!  Hack
       the bone!
Homer: Wow...eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster!  Just think of all
       the time I've wasted on _you_!  [points at Bart]
        [realizing] Er, well, not...wasted, uh...I love you.
-- Homer backpedals, "Lisa on Ice"

% After the game, Bart lies dejectedly on Lisa's bed and listens to all
% the praise she receives.

Marge: Let me give my special little winner a big, _big_ hug.
 Lisa: [tired] Ma, I think I'm all hugged out, heh...aw, one more.
        [Marge hugs her again]
        [Lisa walks into her room, turns on the light]
 Bart: Hello, queen Lisa.
 Lisa: Bart!  What are you doing in my room?
 Bart: Lisa, certain differences -- rivalries, if you will -- have come
       up between us.  At first I thought we could talk it over like
       civilized people.  But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr.
       Honeybunny.
        [holds up stuffed rabbit in one hand, head in the other]
 Lisa: Bart, that was _your_ cherished childhood toy.
 Bart: Aah!  Mr. Honeybunny!  [tries to repair it, kisses it]
Homer: Quiet down, Bart!
-- "Lisa on Ice"

% Lisa orders her brother to leave.

Lisa: Bart, just get outta here.
Bart: Hey: it's a free country.  _You_ get out.
Lisa: That doesn't make sense.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get out, get out!
-- Sibling rivalry, "Lisa on Ice"

 Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this: [windmills arms]
       If you get hit, it's your own fault.
 Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this.  [kicks] And
       if any part of you should fill that air, [kicks] it's _your_ own
       fault.
        [they walk towards each other, then start fighting]
Marge: Oh, I better go check that out.  Now Homer, don't you eat this
       pie!
Homer: OK...[Marge leaves] All right, pie, I'm just going to do this.
       [chomps air] And if you get eaten, it's your own fault!
        [walks towards pie, chomping air, and hits head on range head]
       Ow!  Oh, my -- aw, to hell with this.  [grabs pie, eats it]
-- "Lisa on Ice"

% Marge walks upstairs to find the children fighting.

Marge: Stop it, stop it, stop it!  [flicks light on and off]
 Bart: Mom, that is _really_ annoying.
 Lisa: Bart started it.
 Bart: Uh uh, Lisa started it.
Marge: I don't care _who_ started it.  I don't ever want to see you two
       fighting like that ever again.  We love you both: you're _not_ in
       competition with each other.  Repeat: you are not in competition
       with each other.
Homer: Hey!  Apu just called.  This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
       Bart's team.  You're in direct competition.  And don't go easy on
       each other just because you're brother and sister.  I want to see
       you both fighting for your parents' love!
        [flicks light on and off]
       Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!...
-- How not to encourage your children, "Lisa on Ice"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:49]
%
% At the Springfield prison...

Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs.  I'm
        going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game
        _if_ you promise to return to your cells.
 Snake: Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right...all right, I'll sweeten the deal.  You can see the
        game, you don't have to come back, _but_: you have to promise
        not to commit any more crimes, OK?
 Snake: No.
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes.
         [turns the key, lets them out]
-- The best cop in Springfield, "Lisa on Ice"

% {At school, Sherri and Terri chant while playing jump rope.}

Sherri+Terri: {At seven tonight the games begin,
              Bart vs. Lisa: who will win?
              Their father's fat and their mother's thin,
              And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin!}
         Abe: {Hey!  [sniffs himself] That's "Obsession" for men.}
-- Perfume _does_ have a strong alcoholic component, "Lisa on Ice"

% It's dinnertime before the game.

Homer: [eating] Pass ketchup.
        [Bart winds up, slaps it with his knife]
 Lisa: [catches it] You'll have to do better than that tonight, _chump_.
        [Bart hits relish towards her and she ducks]
Homer: [catches it] I asked for ketchup!  I'm eating salad here.
Marge: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.
-- Anti-controversy and anti-aggression, "Lisa on Ice"

% Moe walks in.

  Moe: Hello.
Homer: Moe, what are you doing here?
  Moe: What?  What, a bartender can't come by and say hi to his best
       customer?  Hey, hey there, Midge.  Oh, gee, I like what you've
       done with your hair.
Marge: You caught me at a _real_ bad time, Moe.  I hope you understand
       I'm too tense to pretend I like you.
  Moe: Uh, and how are the little kids doing?  I mean, _really_, how are
       they doing?  Any disabling injuries, something, say, that the
       gambling community might not yet know about?  [grabs Bart's leg]
       Come here, let me see those knees.
Marge: [stands up] Moe, I think you should leave.  [forces him out]
  Moe: But Blanche, you gotta help me out here, please!  I'm 64 grand in
       the hole!  They're going to take my thumbs!
-- Moe's Italian, er, Sicilian, roots, "Lisa on Ice"

% During the pregame warmup, Bart skates up to Lisa.

Bart: Good luck tonight, _sis_.  I'll try not to hurt you.
Lisa: Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head.  [pulls out a
      rabbit's head on a pendant]
Bart: [gasps] Mr. Honeybunny!  You inhuman monster.
Lisa: You want a piece of me?
       [they start slugging each other]
 Apu: [pulling them apart] Hey.  Hey!  Stop it, stop it!  Conserve your
      precious hatred for the game.
-- Sound advice, "Lisa on Ice"

% Homer, Marge, and Maggie watch from the stands.

Homer: Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it: you like Lisa best!
Marge: No!
Homer: Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you?
Marge: No!
Homer: Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best.  What's she ever done?
       Nothin' for nobody.
        [Maggie jumps up and catches a ketchup bottle headed for Homer's
       head]
Marge: Homer, we can't root for one child over the other.  You wouldn't
       like it if the kids played favorites with us.
        [on the ice]
 Bart: Hey, Mom!  Look at me, Mom!
 Lisa: Hi, Mom!  Over here!  Mom!
Homer: [chuckles] Hi kids!
-- Just before the big game, "Lisa on Ice"

% The red carpet rolls out.

Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown.
   Krusty: [singing] Oh say, can you see
           La la la, da da light,
           What so proudly we yah,
           La la yah...oh.  I shouldn't have turned down those cue
           cards.
-- At least the flag is right-side up, "Lisa on Ice"

% The game begins.  Bart wins the face-off against Jimbo and makes a
% dash for the net.  Lisa looks determined.  Stopping just outside the
% blue line, he takes a huge slap shot -- which beats the goalie!  "I
% love Bart!" yells Homer.
%
% On another breakaway, Bart takes another huge slap shot -- which Lisa
% gets her glove in front of.  "No, wait!  I love Lisa!" yells Homer.
% "Beer?" he says upon seeing Marge return from the concession stand,
% "Oh, Marge!  I love you!"
%
% Three players check Lisa into the net, and the crowd cheers.  Bart
% gets the puck only to be slammed into the board, and the crowd cheers
% again.  Hans Moleman trips down the stairs, and the crowd points and
% cheers.  With 1:07 left in the third, the score knotted at three,
% Jimbo makes a break, only to have the puck stolen by Bart.

           [on the ice, Jimbo trips Bart]
    Marge: He tripped my boy!  I demand vengeance.  I want vengeance!
Announcer: Jimbo Jones, called for tripping.  The penalty shot will be
           taken by Bart Simpson.
    Homer: Oh my God, Marge.  A penalty shot with only four seconds
           left.  It's your child versus mine!  The winner will be
           showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed
           until my throat is sore!
-- Homer, caring parent, "Lisa on Ice"

% Bart skates to center ice and puts his stick down emphatically.

    Wiggum: Kill her, boy!
       Apu: Stop him dead, little girl!
Bart crowd: _Kill_, Bart!  _Kill_, Bart!  _Kill_, Bart!
Lisa crowd: Kill _Bart_!  Kill _Bart_!  Kill _Bart_!
-- Bart takes a penalty shot, "Lisa on Ice"

% Bart and Lisa look around at the angry crowd, then Bart stops,
% remembering a time when he lifted baby Lisa up to the cookie jar so
% she could get a cookie for him.  Lisa remembers a time when she
% clapped happily as a young Bart made finger shadows for her in front
% of a tilted lamp.  Bart thinks of Lisa helping him bandage his knee
% after a skateboarding accident.  Lisa remembers eating ice cream by
% the wading pool and dropping her scoop, only to have Bart give her a
% scoop of his.
%
% Both children smile, throw aside their equipment, and hug.  "Great
% game, Lis."  "Great game, Bart."  The buzzer sounds

  Man 1: What the heck is a tie game?
  Man 2: Tie game?
Woman 1: What the hell?
Woman 2: This is outrageous!
  Marge: Oh, I've never been so proud of them.
  Homer: [weeping] They're both losers.  Losers!
    Abe: Rip-off!
   Hans: We paid for blood!
 Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!
    Abe: Good idea!
-- A good-old hockey riot, "Lisa on Ice"

% Everyone rips into things and pummels each other.  Bart and Lisa skate
% slowly down the ice, arm-in-arm.

Snake: Those kids are, like, so sweet.  [sobs] If only they had had
       peewee hockey when I was a lad.  [sniffs] Oh well.
        [grabs crowbar, rips seats apart]
-- Yet another lesson lost, "Lisa on Ice"

% The final shot shows people punching one another and fires burning
% inside the arena.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:03]
%
% The theme music over the credits is played on an organ so that it
% sounds as though it's from a hockey game.
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {ab}  Arthur Brandt
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)