Sideshow Bob Roberts Written by Bill Oakley & Josh Weinstein Directed by Mark Kirkland =============================================================================== Production code: 2F02 Original airdate in N.A.: 9-Oct-94 Capsule revision F, 12-Dec-95 =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Blackboard :- None due to shortened intro. Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro. Couch :- The family's eyes all run in in darkness -- and when the lights come on, the bodies run in after the eyes. The bodies sit down on the couch and lean forward, sticking their eyes in their sockets with a popping sound. Recycled from 1F06. =============================================================================== > Did you notice... =============================================================================== ... one of the names on the voters list was "Stampy"? Dave Hall: ... Carl leaves his stir stick in his coffee? ... Maggie doesn't have her pacifier at breakfast? ... Maggie doesn't want to eat what Marge was giving her? ... the huge map of the world at the Republican Party headquarters? ... the satellite dish on top of the Springfield Retirement Castle? ... one of the Retirement Castle's residents is waving an IV bag? ... Quimby needs someone to pick up the phone for him? ... sideshow Bob shakes a fish out of his hair? ... Springfield has a gallows? ... in the TV prison Ad, one of the prisoners looks like Richie Sakai? ... the van with the satellite linkup in front of Springfield Community Center? ... even Quimby's body guards leave him when Quimby loses the election? ... the on-site outhouses in front of the Simpson garage? ... the error in the Hanna-Barbera copyright disclaimer (in the closing credits)? (The 2nd "and" should be "are".) Don Del Grande: ... the clocks behind Birch Barlow say (from left to right) Los Angeles, Springfield, New York, Boston (although the clock faces are not shown)? ... Bart was going to shoot off fireworks indoors? ... when Lisa is driving, she can't see over the dashboard? ... when Bob calls the radio, he says he's in South Springfield? ... Sideshow Bob's middle name is Underdunk? ... Birch Barlow, Rainier Wolfcastle (McBain), Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, and Burns' chief lawyer are Republicans? ... Homer must be fatter than we imagined if he can absorb the weight of a wrecking ball trying to smash down his house? Aaron Varhola: ... Maggie has Mr. Teeny, a Care Bear, and green Binky in her crib? Matthew Kurth: ... even Joe Quimby listens to Birch Barlow? ... Quimby has a set of golf clubs behind the closet door? ... Quimby has a cannabis plant under a growing lamp in his closet? ... Lisa is at the "Gripe at the Mayor Night" at the Springfield Retirement Castle? (she's right behind Jasper) ... Lisa calls Quimby "Uncle Mayor"? ... Jimbo once again imitates Beavis & Butt-Head? ... the prisoners released via the escalator and ski lift in SSB's commercial are cheering when they reached freedom? ... SSB keeps the floppy disks with the fraud records in his hair? Tony Hill: ... Sideshow Bob wears a hard hat? ... Smithers doesn't exhale smoke? =============================================================================== > Voice credits =============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Quimby, Abe, "sexy dames" man, Barney, Krusty, coxswain) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (KBBL announcer, Carl, Skinner, Chinese principals, Marty, Moe, man in Quimby ad, man in Bob ad, Fred Flintstone, man in Hall of Records) - Harry Shearer (Lenny, Birch Barlow, Jasper, prison guard, Burns, senator, Dr. Hibbert, Ranier Wolfcastle, Kent Brockman, Smithers, judge) - Special Guest Voice - Dr. Demento (himself) - Kelsey Grammer (Sideshow Bob) - Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz) - Larry King (himself) - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel) - Also Starring - Henry Corden (Fred Flintstone {rl}) - Pamela Hayden (Jimbo, Milhouse, Kindergarten teacher) =============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references =============================================================================== + "Bob Roberts" - episode title - Bob campaigning at an elementary school and appealing to kids with stunts, like Bob Roberts playing guitar there {mk} - Sideshow Bob walks in wrapped in a US flag, just like movie poster + Rush Limbaugh - Birch Barlow an obvious takeoff: similar name, appearance, speaking manner, political views + Alcatraz {av} - Springfield prison looks like it + Disney's "The Little Mermaid" {mk} - Bob's hair and the design on his shirt right after the fish falls out is reminiscent of the ending of Ariel at the end of the "Part of Your World" number - note Mickey Mouse ears in cloud over his head + Arnold Schwarzenegger's Republican-ness - McBain (an Arnie takeoff) being at the Republican Headquarters + Bush's "Willie Horton" commercial {bwd} - Sideshow Bob commercial similar + First Nixon/Kennedy debate (1960) - logo on camera is early 1960's CBS logo {mk} - see comments section + Dukakis/Bush debate (1984) - see comments section + "Citizen Kane" {bwd} - "Bob" backdrop, just like "Kane" backdrop - Smithers appearing as "Deep Throat" {rl} + "All the President's Men" - overhead pullback of Lisa in Hall of Records - Smithers posing as man in shadows, Hal Holbrook + "A Few Good Men" - Bob: "You can't handle the truth!" just like Nicholson + Allenwood Minimum Security Prison {av} - it's called "Springwood Minimum Security Prison" =============================================================================== > Previous episode references =============================================================================== - [7G12] Bob framing Krusty for robbery - [7G12] Sideshow Bob's evil laugh before second commercial {av} - [7F01], [1F01] Citizen Kane is referenced {av} - [7F19] Lisa makes a comment about "the lowest common denominator" {av} - [7F20], [9F03], [1F16], [1F17] Simpson children driving cars {av} - [8F01] Lisa exposes political corruption {av} - [8F20] Bob attempting to murder Selma - [1F03] "No Fat Chicks" appears {av} =============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun =============================================================================== - Mayoral seal: "Mayor of Springfield - Corruptus in Extremus" {mk} - The flag on the right in his office has nothing visible on it {mk} - Some people at the Republican Party Headquarters: Burns, Smithers, McBain, Birch Barlow, a demon, Burns' lawyer, Dr. Hibbert, Antoine Tex O'Hara, Sideshow Bob {dh} - Sign: {mk} Tonight: Mayoral Debates Tomorrow: Mass Wedding of Cult Members - At the debate: {ddg} - Mr. & Mrs. Van Houten, Lenny, Carl - The Flintstone phone characters: {mk} - Fred, Wilma, Dino - Betty, Barney, Hoppy - Bamm-Bamm, Pebbles, Mr. Slate - Sign: {mk} Springfield Hall of Records Not the Good Kind of Records, Historical Ones - The sign says "Pay & Park & Pay" {mk} - Springfield Courthouse seal: "Liberty and Justice for Most, 1932" {mk} - When SSB gives his speech at the trial, the clock to his left reads 4:55. {mk} - Sign says "Springwood Minimum Security Prison" {mk} =============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs =============================================================================== KBBL is now a talk radio station and is at about 960 on the AM dial. (What happened to Bill and Marty?) {ddg} Why are there (at least) two clocks behind Barlow with the same time? {ddg} The radio in Homer's car only goes up to 1400 on the AM dial. {av} Lisa says that Sideshow Bob was arrested for framing Krusty in 1990; in "Krusty Gets Busted", Maggie is in the audience with Lisa when Bart exposes Bob, which is a pretty good stunt as Maggie, who's "currently" one year old (as always), wouldn't have been born for another three years...{ddg} After Bart yanks the radio's plug out of the wall, the radio keeps playing. {av} Quimby's aide starts writing "Matlock" on the expressway map before Quimby comes up with the name. {ddg} Since when does a mayor have pardon ability? And since when is Springfield Prison on an island (especially since Maggie ran into it once with the car)? {ddg} The "Springfield Shopper" that calls for Bob to be freed mentions a "No Fat Chicks" ordinance, yet the only levers in the voting booths are for the mayoral race. {ddg} Bart & Lisa move from the front to the back row during the schoolground debate. {dh} The SSB ad violates campaign laws because neither his voice nor image appears in it. {th} Bart gets sent back four grades, yet Lisa (who, if anything, was more responsible for sending him to prison the first time) stays in second grade. {ddg} Why does Smithers need a ride home? How did he get to the garage if not by car? {th} There are no lap belts in the car. {th} Lisa's backpack disappears. {dh} The phone book Bart reads has names Gaines, Getty, Gordon, and "A Gorilla" (not "Gorilla A", like it should be); it's hard to believe there's only one family in Springfield whose names fall between Gaines and Gordon. {ddg} Why would the Springfield phone book have Springfield beside each name? {dh} In [9F04], Snowball's gravestone was flat; here it is upright. {av} Bob holds up two binders but puts four on the judge's table. =============================================================================== > Reviews =============================================================================== Mark Harpt: The latest episode of the Simpsons was terrible. Why the rip on Republicans? Someone's very afraid of the upcoming elections. The media is back to their spreading of propaganda and misinformation. No wonder nobody trusts them anymore. Shane C. Erstad: All in all a fairly good episode -- not quite as good as last week but better than the rest of the season. [...] The Limbaugh stuff was done perfectly -- down to the tapping of the fingers and pauses. Eduardo Romo: No matter who wants to flame me, or this episode...I still loved it. Liberal, or conservative...it doesn't matter...it is still the most hilarious program on television these days (although, as someone posted earlier, Animaniacs is edging closer). Vaughn Jett: I was delighted with the first season 6 episode that didn't suck. I think Homer himself might have best described my opinion of the first 4 episodes of the season when he said, "THE DREAM IS OVER!!" [...] But now I'm relieved to see that the show isn't ruined forever. Jeff M. Lodoen: I wonder what the writers were intending. Was it good- natured ribbing or serious discourse. Are people who take it seriously and use the episode as a way of judging Republican (whew!) taking the correct view? But it was so overblown, that I _do_ take it as a joke. Irwin Bailey: Although I've enjoyed the show, it's been well over a year since I missed huge chunks of an episode because I was literally on the floor, paralyzed with laughter. Until tonight, that is. I was laughing so hard when I watched it on tape the SECOND time that I missed parts. Brian Phillips: The Simpsons seemed to give each side their lumps and was, for me, the funniest episode this season. Carl Mueller: SUCKED really, really, really bad. Without a doubt it was the worst episode ever. The Simpsons new 'direction' is clear, and I don't like it one bit. I'm really starting to feel stupid taping this show. Grade: E- Carl Frank: What can you say. . .by far, the best of the season. Even though I am a registered Republican, the parody was excellent. [... ] Overall grade: A-. Perhaps there's some hope for this season after all. Tom Celentano: I was a little offended by the attacks on Rush and 'Republicans' at first, but then realized this is not to be taken seriously. What bothered me more is that this episode was no funnier than the others this season. It had amusing moments, and the satire was good as always. But there were almost no LOL lines or gags. James Hempel: BEST OF THE YEAR. It was timely, fitting in nicely with the current election season. I am a staunch Republican, but still found the humor unoffensive and hilarious. I thought the Rush Limbaugh character was right on the money. Rich Haan: Well I must say I was a bit disappointed with this episode. Not so much for the political portrayals (I'm Libertarian), but because, with a name like _Sideshow Bob Roberts_, I expected great things. [...] Overall grade: B. Mark Graban: Count me in as another republican who found the show hilarious! Maybe I've been brainwashed by the liberal university establishment... Tiare L. Williams Hey, you guys aren't alone. I'm a Republican, and I wasn't offended, as untrue as the show was. I mean, it's only obvious, and it's only humor - Remember humor, folks? The Archie bit was weird. I liked it. Marc Singer: "Sideshow Bob Roberts" was the first *really* good Simpsons episode in a looooooong time...god, I hope the rest of Season Six is like this one and not the first four (since only one of those first four was a "real" Season Six episode, I'd say chances are good that we're in for one hell of a season). Don Del Grande: B - it was a good episode, but just didn't seem that funny. Eric Perozziello: The really sad thing is that the episode had no humor value, and was a blatant attack on political views...in a cartoon! Welcome to sleazy politics in the nineties. Aaron Varhola: An instant classic. Just on the rung below "Moaning Lisa" and "Last Exit to Springfield". Snappy lines, clean references, mostly good gags, probably the most banal Grampa story ever, deadly political satire, and a lot of subtle touches that work, such as proper timing of the scenes. A+ Matthew Kurth: Sideshow Bob saves The Simpsons! Everything was absolutely on-target with this one. I can't list enough superlatives, so I won't. Bob's not attempting to kill Bart was conspicuous by its absence, though. Near perfection. 10/10! Tony Hill: Not up to the level of the other SSB episodes. The political jabs were quite keen, but the comedy was a bit muted. There seemed to be too much disjointed lampooning. The more subtle political refs we get from time to time are more clever. I give it a B-. Yours truly: A strong showing, and different from the other Sideshow Bob shows -- perhaps better. If I lived in the US, I'd be a Democrat, but I don't think the painting of the Republicans was unfair. It's just a cartoon, people. An amusing, exaggerated satire. Grade: B+. =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> Famous people in this episode Tony Hill explains: - Birch Barlow is an obvious takeoff on Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh is the current reigning conservative talk show host, having displaced Morton Downey Jr. from that role. - Oliver North was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the Iran-Contra scandal. He is currently running as a Republican for the U.S Senate from Virginia. [he was defeated - ed] - Stacey Koon was convicted of conspiracy to violate the civil rights of Rodney King. He was fired from the Los Angeles Police Department. [they call him "Koons" incorrectly in the episode - ed] - Joe Camel is a cartoon character under constant fire from anti- smoking groups. As a result of his activity, Camel Cigarettes are now a top seller in the U.S. for the first time in 60 years. >> "Gung Hay Fat Choy" Don Del Grande says this translates as "Happy New Year". >> Archie Comics Tony Hill notes, "Moose, Archie, Reggie, and Jughead tossed Homer out of Archie's jalopy. They and their friends have been students at Riverdale High for some 50 years." >> Debate similarities Keith Smith writes, "Quimby looked sweaty and haggard in the debate with Bob. In the first televised 1960 debate between Nixon and Kennedy, Nixon `lost' the debate in many viewer's eyes because of his appearance. He had just got out of the hospital and the camera and his makeup made him look haggard. He also sweated quite a bit and Nixon himself has said that his appearance may have cost him the debate." He continues, "The Rush Limbaugh character asked Quimby if he would have the same views on crime if his own family were victims. During the 1988 debates, Bernard Shaw challenged Dukakis' soft views on crime by asking him if he would feel the same way if his wife were the victim. Dukakis' seemingly emotionless answer made him appear somewhat cold and callous." >> Smithers' sexual orientation Yes, it seems certain now. Smithers speaks of ultra-conservative conflict with his "choice of lifestyle". Looks as though he's gay. >> Groening quotes Internet! One poster on alt.tv.simpsons, Paul S. Galvanek, felt the entire episode was an unnecessary attack on the Republican Party. His posts were voluminous, scathing, and badly spelled; Matt Groening actually quoted many of them directly in his 28-Oct-94 "Life in Hell" strip. The strip is reproduced here. Thanks to Mike Worden for typing this in. Panel 1: Groening bunny sits at his laptop. Thought balloon - "I feel depressed and listless today. Think I'll check out the ol' Internet." Panel 2: (tap tap tap) Read my newsgroups. Select alt.tv.simpsons Read new messages. Panel 3: (Reads message) In one of the most obscene efforts at mass character assassination in television history, the entire thirty minutes of last night's "Simpsons" episode were dedicated to expressing every false and liberal-inspired misrepresentation of the Republican Party ever created by a Democratic spin doctor. Panel 4: (message continues) You have no clue how riled up I am, but the companies that sponsored the pile of garbage last night might be getting a hint this week. Dirty lying scumbags like Groening need to be confronted by their hypocrisy and slanders. Panel 5: (continues) There is nothing amusing, no satire, in attempting to smear the Republican Party with the actual and very serious crimes known to have been committed by the Democratic Party. Panel 6: (continues) Despite the best efforts of the Groenings of this world and the losers who support them, to slander their opponents every chance the get, they're just five short weeks away from finding out the hard way that people are wise to their crap. Panel 7: (continues) Don't let the sleaziest least ethical elements of the left wing in television get away with slandering the Republican Party and its members. Attacks on you and the values you represent should not go unanswered. Panel 8: (continues) I would get such a kick right about now in seeing Groening writhing in pain as he dangled by a section of his intestine from a tree. At the very least I'm hoping for a sloooooow painful death via some horrible illness of his nervous system, on that allows him to remain fully aware until his very last breath. Panel 9: Groening bunny smiles. Thought balloon - "Why do I feel so suddenly refreshed?" =============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary =============================================================================== % [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of % Ricardo Lafaurie.] % % The scene opens with a shot of the KBBL radio building. No sports, no rock, no information, For mindless chatter, we're your station! -- KBBL radio's jingle, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The scene shifts to Homer eating donuts at the power plant. Announcer: KBBL talk radio. And now Springfield's favorite conservative and author of the well-selling book, "Only Turkeys Have Left Wings." Ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow. Carl: Ecch! That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot. He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity! Can you believe that? Lenny: Yeah, switch the station. I consider myself politically correct, and his views makes me [shivers] uncomfortable. Homer: Nonononono, guys...I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruity" [Lenny and Carl walk off] -- but for some reason this Birch Barlow really speaks to me. [chomps, chews] [scene shift to inside KBBL; Birch chows on donuts too] Barlow: Good morning, fellow freedom-likers. Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government, the fifty-first state... -- Less-than-subtle parodies, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Barlow: You know, there are three things we're never going to get rid of here in Springfield: one, the bats in the public library -- [scene switch to man opening card catalog and screaming as bats fly out] -- two, Mrs. McFierly's compost heap -- [scene switch to huge compost pile and Mrs. McFierly rocking nearby with a shotgun, cackling] -- and three, our six-term mayor, [scene switch to Quimby watering a marijuana plant] the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, spendocrat Diamond Joe Quimby. Quimby: Hey: I am no longer illiterate. -- Slow but steady self-improvement, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Barlow: Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby Quagmire, you ask, oh reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree-huggers who would rather play hackeysack than lock up the homeless. -- Those wonderful conservative theories, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The scene shifts to Simpson kitchen with Bart eating, Lisa taking % notes, and Marge feeding a resistant Maggie. Marge: [hearing radio] Mmm...this sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you _know_ I don't like controversy in this house. Lisa: I don't like him either, Mom, but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project. Bart: You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects. [condescending] Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. [displays a bundle] Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. [takes bundle, douses it in sink, throws it away] [at school] Skinner: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fatt Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. [motions to Bart] [Bart looks at Edna and groans as she gives him "F"] Princ. 1: All week, he promise big firework display. Princ. 2: Bad student. Princ. 1: Uh-uh...bad principal. -- "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Homer and Lisa drive in the car with the radio tuned to KBBL. Barlow: So, my friends, let's just junk those Dumbocrats and their bleeding-heart smellfare program. Lisa: Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? Homer: When _I'm_ driving the car, _I_ get to choose the radio station. When _you're_ driving, we'll listen to _your_ radio station. [scene switch to Lisa driving and smiling as she listens to John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire" theme] Homer: [moans] I can't take this any more! Let's switch back. -- Springfield, where the driving age is eight, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % They do indeed switch back as Barlow takes a phone call from a % listener. Barlow: All right, my friends, let's go to the phones. First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir. Bob: Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican party. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps, or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes. Lisa: [gasps] That sounds like Sideshow Bob! Homer: Yes, ma'am. Sideshow Bob, yakking it up on the old yak box. Lisa: Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. Homer: Phew! -- Lisa, making it easier on Daddy, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Lisa explains, with the help of flashbacks, who Sideshow Bob is. Lisa: Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Klown's sidekick. In 1990 he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail. Homer: Uh huh. Lisa: When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her. Homer: Oh, Side_show_ Bob. -- Placing the emphasis carefully, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % At home, Lisa enters Bart's room. Lisa: Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio! [turns it on] Marty: It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento. Bart: Aah! [tosses radio out window] Marty: And now, "The Funny Five"! Lisa: I meant your _other_ mortal enemy. Sideshow Bob. Bart: [gasping] Sideshow Bob? Oh. I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies. -- It's not clear which is more frightening, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Quimby holds "Gripe at the Mayor" night at the Springfield Retirement % Castle. He motions at a board with a layout for a new expressway. Quimby: And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants. [people gab amongst themselves] Abe: What's in it for us? Jasper: Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Quimby: Ahem, well, uh, what do you people like? Jasper: Sleep. Man: Sexy dames, and plenty of 'em. Abe: Maaatloock! [murmurs of assent] Quimby: Well, I suppose I could name it the "Matlock Expressway". [everyone cheers] -- His honor polls the electorate, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Bart listens to a walkman in class. Bob: [on the radio] But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spiky-haired little simpleton. Barlow: Mm hm, myopic. Or to say the least, intransigent. Now you mentioned some woes there. Bob: Well...you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. [scene switch to prison where a riot is taking place] Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they? [Bob ducks as a toilet smashes overhead] Oh, really, now! This _is_ a personal call. -- Inconsiderate rioters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Barlow: My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our liberal justice system, just like [reads lists] Colonel Oliver North, officer Stacey Koons, and cartoon Smokespeson Joe Camel. [scene switch back to Bart listening to walkman in class] Well, I've had it! I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free. Bart: Nooo! [class stops, looks at him] Edna: Well, _despite_ Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections. -- Bart's secret pro-apartheid agenda, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The scene switches to Moe's, where everyone listens to the radio. Barlow: [on the radio] My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail. Moe: All right, you heard the man. [pulls out a box] One grenade each. [hands them out] Barney: Moe, I think he meant through nonviolent, grassroots political action. Moe: Aw, geez, really, you think so? [pause] All right, give 'em back. [everyone moans] C'mon, everybody, give 'em back. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one? -- Fire in the hole, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The headline on the Springfield Shopper reads, "Bob Pardon: #1 Local % Issue", with a subheading, "Edges Out 'No Fat Chicks' Ordinance". % Quimby puts his fist down. Quimby: Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow. [dials phone] [scene shift to Bob leaving prison] By special order of the mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger. Bob: Aah! [falls off cliff into water] Guard: [calling down] Boat's on the other side. Bob: Yes, thank you. -- By the way, he was being sarcastic, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % [End of Act One. Time: 6:29] % % The scene opens at night with the camera moving towards a sinister- % looking castle with a sign, "Republican Party Headquarters". Inside, % a group of men sits around a table in a large room with a fireplace. % Smithers hands out martinis to Ranier Wolfcastle, Birch Barlow, and a % ghoul, who takes his bloody martini and slurps it down. Mr. Burns % walks in. Burns: Hail, brothers. Coranon Silaria, Ozoo Mahoke. [everyone answers "Mahoke"] Now, then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us. And if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby, we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy -- a true leader who'll do exactly as he's told. Barlow: Monty, I'm way ahead of you. If you'll just open that door you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. [door opens to reveal a water cooler; everyone applauds] [the cooler bubbles] Senator: What'd it say? Barlow: No, no, no, Bob. Bob, come in! Bob: [enters wrapped in a US flag] A fine "Mahoke" to you all. Hibbert: Why, he's even better. Ranier: I agree. I like the human touch. -- At the Republican Party headquarters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % At Springfield Elementary there's a "The Candidates Speak on % Education" event. Skinner lectures the students who are assembled out % on the lawn. Skinner: Now, students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully-choreographed media event. Now this means there is to be no wising-off, no face-making, and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph. Ralph: [through a full mouth] Yes, sir. -- The candidates speak at Springfield Elementary, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Bob: Hello, children. [with malice] Hello, Bart. Bart: Eep. Bob: Young friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused about your school system. Do you know what he does? He flip-flops. [does backflips; children marvel] Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. [walks funny; children clap and cheer] He wants to sell your future short. [shrinks, walks sideways; children clap more] Lisa: Hmm. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're going to have to stoop to the lowest common denominator. Bart: I can do that. [they jump into Quimby's arms] Quimby: Aah! Help! I'm being attacked by...things! [cameras turn from Bob juggling to Quimby] Lisa: [chilidishly] [giggles] Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. Kent: More important than _coal_?! Quimby: [uncertain] Uh, yes. -- Kent "living in the 19th century" Brockman, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Someone grabs Bart from Quimby's arms and drags him into a limousine. % Inside, Bart struggles as two men hold him. Bob sits across from % them. Bob: That was a _big_ mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. -- Bob chides Bart for his stunt, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Bob snaps his fingers. The two men next to Bart reach inside their % suits menacingly as Bart frets. They pull out a red, white, and blue % elephant and a "Vote Bob" button and put them on Bart, then toss him % out of the limo on his front lawn. The limo speeds away as Archie's % jalopy pulls up in front of the Simpson house; Homer is tossed out by % Moose who warns him, "Duh, stay out of Riverdale." % % A TV commercial for Quimby is shown. Singers: Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really sink, [a garbage truck with a "Vote Quimby" ad empties a bin] We wouldn't have a tire yard, or a mid-size roller rink. [Quimby grins next to burning tires, then roller skates] We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap, [Quimby grins through noose, then smiles next to trap] It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed. [Quimby surveys damage sadly, then shrugs and smiles] Voice: Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. Paid for by the "Mayor Quimby for Mayor" Mayoral Committee. -- A campaign ad for Diamond Joe, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Bart and Lisa do their part, handing out bumper stickers outside. Bart: [to passers-by] Hey Four-eyes! Vote Quimby. Hey Beardo! Vote Quimby. Lisa: This time he's the _lesser_ of two evils. Jimbo: Uh, yeah, yeah. I love Grimby. Uh, can I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude? [Bart gives him some] [Jimbo walks back to shopping cart with Milhouse inside, taped up with bumper stickers, and covers Milhouse's eyes with one] All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey. [Kearney pushes the cart down a hill] Milhouse: Aah! What's happening?! -- Moe Grimby for mayor?, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % {Sideshow Bob listens to gripes at the Springfield Retirement Castle.} Abe: {That Quimby fellow promised to build us a Matlooock Expressway. How're you going to top that, smart guy?} Bob: {Hmm. Well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the rest of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.} Abe: {Hot ziggety-zam! Me first. [old people surround Bob, grinning] Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A!" he'd say, then "B". "C" would usually follow --} Bob: {[groans] Oh...} -- A tough promise to keep, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % A TV commercial for Sideshow Bob is shown. [scene shows prisoners going in a revolving door and coming out immediately] Voice: Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob -- a man twice convicted of attempted murder. [scene shows prisoners leaving on escalator and ski lift] Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor. -- A campaign ad for Sideshow Bob, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The Springfield Community Center holds mayoral debates. The camera % descends towards the table of panelists. King: The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on...Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. [audience hoots and hollers] King: Oh... -- Enacting the status quo, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Offstage, Bob gets a blowdry and comb. He glances at some cue cards, % then tries on a couple of smiles before selecting one and walking out. % Quimby, meanwhile, looks terrible. He sneezes into a hanky. Quimby: [with a cold] I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. [Bart hands him some pills; Quimby eats a handful, then stumbles on stage] Lisa: I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there. Bart: Don't worry...he's taken a million of these capsules. [box says "Extra-Drowsy Formula"] -- Eep, indeed, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % First question goes to Birch Barlow. Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining! [audience laughs and claps] Lisa: There's no councilman Les Whinen. Bart: [chuckling] Good line, though. Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you're well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that _your_ house was ransacked by thugs, _your_ family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much _blood_ on the knob -- Quimby: What is your question? Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir. -- The Springfield Mayoral Debates, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Quimby groans and drips sweat. Lisa and Bart watch, aghast, then turn % to a TV broadcast of the Mayor. A ring of fire appears around % Quimby's head with a caption that reads, "Flames added electronically % by Channel Six". Quimby's hair, coincidentally, points up in two % places, giving him the appearance of having horns. % % It's election day. Homer steps behind the curtain in front of a % voting booth. Homer: [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart- killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob] Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. [votes for Bob] -- Springfield voters, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % At Quimby's headquarters, everyone watches anxiously as the results % come in. Kent: And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob, 100%, for Joe Quimby, 1%. And we remind you there is a 1% margin of error. -- The election results, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Everyone moans and leaves. A cleanup man sweeps for a bit, then grabs % a couple of bottles of champagne and runs out. The news goes live to % Bob headquarters for his victory speech. Bob laughs uncontrollably as % Kent observes, "And just look how happy he is!" % % [End of Act Two. Time: 13:29] % % Home and Marge are asleep in bed when a loud banging awakens them, % shaking the whole house. Homer: Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes! -- Homer is awakened by construction, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Maggie and her stuffed toys are bounced around in her crib to the % sound of loud thudding. Homer runs out in his pyjamas. Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. [camera pulls back to show expressway looming overhead] Now, I am a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons. Marge: Homer, we've got to stop them! Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger. And no one in my family's going to stand for it. [Abe honks horn from atop expressway] Abe: Move your goldurn house, son! -- No one except him, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % At Springfield Elementary, Bart opens his locker as Skinner % approaches. Skinner: Bart, by special request of the Mayor's office, you are going to be left back. Bart: Oh. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Skinner: Well, yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Bart: Kindergarten?! Edna: [pops champagne cork] Hah! -- A cause for celebration, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % On Bart's first day in his new class... Teacher: [slowly] Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Bart: [cocky] Triangle. Teacher: Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free play. Bart: Cool! I call the Flintstone Phone. [dials it] Fred: Yabba dabba do, I like talkin' to you! -- I'll bet you do, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % At dinner, Homer laments the construction of the new highway. Homer: We're going to lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls. Lisa: I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few. -- Sound reasoning, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % So Lisa heads off to the Springfield Hall of Records. Man: [carrying large stack of paper] Here you go: the results of last month's mayor election. All 48000 voters and who each one of them voted for. Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot. Man: Ehh. -- Secret, schmecret, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Lisa lugs the list off to a table and begins going through it. "OK, % Aaron A. Aaronson voted for...Bob. Aaron L. Aaronson voted for...Bob. % Arthur B. Ablabab voted for...Bob." But she groans, tiring quickly, % and falls asleep. % % A shadow approaches her and leaves an envelope in front of her. % Awakening, she notices the envelope, looks around, and seeing no one, % opens it and reads. She gasps. Bart: So whoever it is who wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight? Lisa: This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Bart: Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. Homer: Stuck-up Riverdale punks...think they're too good for me! -- Homer's greatest failing, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The children approach a shadowy figure with a cigarette. Man: You're on the right track. Follow the names. Bart: How the hell do you know? Man: [takes a drag] I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Homer: [pulling up in car, shines headlights] Hey, Mr. Smithers! Smithers: Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. [in the car] I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views, er, conflict with my...choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name: Edgar Neubauer. Find him, and you'll find your answer. -- At long last, the truth about Waylon J., "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % So Lisa and Bart grab the phone book and look for him. But they come % up blank. (Well, Bart, at least, finds someone called "A. Gorilla" % and laughs to himself.) They check the library in the NEU-NEZ card % catalog (and are surprised by the bats that fly out), but nothing % turns up. Lisa: This is hopeless. They're going to demolish our house for sure. We're going to have to move into a Motel Six. Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night! -- The quest for Edgar Neubauer seems hopeless, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Bart looks up, then runs off excitedly. Bart: Lis! Lis, come here, I found him! I found Edgar Neubauer. [points at a tombstone: "Edgar Neubauer: Beloved husband and old grouch (1831-1909)"] Oh my God...the dead have risen and they're voting Republican. Lisa: [gasp] No, Bart, don't you see? Dead people can't vote. [pulls out list, looks at another tombstone] Prudence Goodwyfe, died 1641. She voted for Bob too. [gasps] So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. [walking] Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob, look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas, Humphrey Boa-Gart...oh, my poor dead kitty, please not you too... [checks list, sees "Snowball I"] [angry] All right, Bob, now it's personal! -- The Mayor crosses the line, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The Springfield Shopper headline reads, "Call for Probe in Bob Flap", % with an editorial on "Why Not Let Dead Pets Vote?" The bulldozers % close in on the Simpson home. Marge threatens them with a rolling % pin, and at the last second they pull back. Homer holds onto a % wrecking ball and gets smashed into a wall. % % At the Town Hall, court is called into session. Lionel Hutz waits for % Sideshow Bob to be led into the room. The Mayor walks in as everyone % gasps, and he glances sideways at the Simpson children, who look away % nervously. Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? Bob: No, I did not. Hutz: [pause] Kids, help. [the judge shrugs] Bob: Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent motel pillows. -- I'd have preferred the term, "Unsoft, somewhat rotten motel head rests", "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Bob: Well Bart, Lisa...here I am. Lisa: I have a plan. I think we can trap him. [they walk up; Lisa takes a sip of water] You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. Bob: Indeed I am. Lisa: Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known: Birchibald T. Barlow! [Barlow stammers incoherently] You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? Bart: You were just Barlow's lackey. Lisa: You were Ronny to his Nancy! Bart: Sonny to his Cher! Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! -- Ringo "Excuse the lateness of my reply"?, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Bob can't stand it any longer. Bob: Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! [everyone gasps] There. Bart: We want the truth! Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth- handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities. Judge: Will you get to the point? -- "Sideshow Bob Roberts" Bob: Only _I_ could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it! Here, just look at these -- [pulls out binders and floppy disks] each one a work of Machiavellian art. Judge: But why? Bob: Because you _need_ me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run. Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest. Bob: What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did. -- Mayor Bob digs his own grave (and saves), "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % Lisa is jubilant as Bob is handcuffed. Lisa: Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house and you get to go back to the fourth grade. Bart: Oh, tomorrow we were going to find out who the dish ran away with. Lisa: The spoon, Bart. Bart: [gasps, smiles] Of course! -- Lisa wrecks the ending, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % The next day's headline reads "Toddlers Topple Mayor", with a % subheading showing Abe's picture with "Expressway Halt Rankles % Elderly". Bob crumples the paper in disgust. Bob: Someday I'll have my vengeance -- someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool -- [camera pulls back to "Springfield Minimum Security Prison"] Man: Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. [shot of men in sculling boat] Coxswain: Bob! Come along. We need an eighth to row against the Princeton alums. Bob: Princeton?! [groans] Coxswain: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke... -- No more teatimes with Snake, "Sideshow Bob Roberts" % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:58] =============================================================================== > Contributors =============================================================================== {ddg} Don Del Grande {bwd} Benjamin W. Dreyfus {dh} Dave Hall {th} Tony Hill {mk} Matthew Kurth {rl} Ricardo Lafaurie {av} Aaron Varhola =============================================================================== This episode summary is Copyright 1995 by James A. Cherry. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)